Family Ties (2010)

By Danielle SteelFAMILY TIES • BIG GIRL • SOUTHERN LIGHTS • MATTERS OF THE HEART • ONE DAY AT A TIME • A GOOD WOMAN • ROGUE • HONOR THYSELF • AMAZING GRACE • BUNGALOW 2 • SISTERS • H.R.H. • COMING OUT • THE HOUSE • TOXIC BACHELORS • MIRACLE • IMPOSSIBLE • ECHOES • SECOND CHANCE • RANSOM • SAFE HARBOUR • JOHNNY ANGEL • DATING GAME • ANSWERED PRAYERS • SUNSET IN ST. TROPEZ • THE COTTAGE • THE KISS • LEAP OF FAITH • LONE EAGLE • JOURNEY • THE HOUSE ON HOPE STREET • THE WEDDING • IRRESISTIBLE FORCES • GRANNY DAN • BITTERSWEET • MIRROR IMAGE • HIS BRIGHT LIGHT: The Story of Nick Traina • THE KLONE AND I • THE LONG ROAD HOME • THE GHOST • SPECIAL DELIVERY • THE RANCH • SILENT HONOR • MALICE • FIVE DAYS IN PARIS • LIGHTNING • WINGS • THE GIFT • ACCIDENT • VANISHED • MIXED BLESSINGS • JEWELS • NO GREATER LOVE • HEARTBEAT • MESSAGE FROM NAM • DADDY • STAR • ZOYA • KALEIDOSCOPE • FINE THINGS • WANDERLUST • SECRETS • FAMILY ALBUM • FULL CIRCLE • CHANGES • THURSTON HOUSE • CROSSINGS • ONCE IN A LIFETIME • A PERFECT STRANGER • REMEMBRANCE • PALOMINO • LOVE: POEMS • THE RING • LOVING • TO LOVE AGAIN • SUMMER’S END • SEASON OF PASSION • THE PROMISE • NOW AND FOREVER • PASSION’S PROMISE • GOING HOME

To my beloved, precious children,

Beatrix, Trevor, Todd, Nick,

Sam, Victoria, Vanessa,

Maxx, and Zara,

of whom I am so proud,

to whom I am so grateful,

for whom I live my life,

with whom life is a joyful adventure!

May the ties that bind us be

ever gentle and ever strong!with all my love,

Mommy/D.S.

Contents

Other Books by this AuthorTitle PageDedicationChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 6Chapter 7Chapter 8Chapter 9Chapter 10Chapter 11Chapter 12Chapter 13Chapter 14Chapter 15Chapter 16Chapter 17Chapter 18Chapter 19Chapter 20Chapter 21Chapter 22About the AuthorCopyright

Chapter 1

Seth Adams left Annie Ferguson’s West Village apartment on a sunny September Sunday afternoon. He was handsome, funny, intelligent, fun to be with, and they had been dating for two months. They had met at a Fourth of July picnic in the Hamptons, and he was as excited about his career as Annie was about her own. He had graduated from Harvard Business School two years before and was enjoying a meteoric rise at a Wall Street investment bank. Annie had graduated from Columbia Architecture School six months before, and she was reveling in the excitement of her first job with an important architecture group. It was her dream come true. And the handsome pair had spotted each other across a crowded room, and it was infatuation at first sight. It had been a great summer so far, and they were already talking about renting a ski house together with some of their friends. They were falling in love and looking forward to good times ahead.

Annie was having the time of her life: weekends with Seth, passionate lovemaking, happy times on the pretty little sailboat that he had just bought. She had it all, new man, new home, first big step in the career she had worked so hard for. She was on top of the world, twenty-six years old, tall, blond, beautiful. She had a smile that could have melted the world, and a lot to smile about. Her life these days was everything she had dreamed of.

She had to force Seth to leave that afternoon after another perfect weekend on his boat, but she had work to do. She wanted to spend some time on her first big project for a client meeting the following day. She knew she had to blow their socks off, and the plans she had been working on were meticulously done, and her immediate supervisor had shown a lot of respect for her ideas and was giving her a chance to shine. Annie was just sitting down at her drafting table when her cell phone rang. Although he had only left the apartment five minutes before, she thought it might be Seth. He called her sometimes on his way home, to tell her how much he already missed her.

She smiled, thinking of him, and then saw from the caller ID that it was Jane, her older sister by ten years. The two sisters were crazy about each other, and Jane had been like a mother to her since their parents had passed away when Annie was eighteen. Jane was happily married, lived in Greenwich, Connecticut, and had three adorable children. The two sisters looked almost like twins. Jane was a slightly older version of Annie, and she was looking forward to meeting Seth. He sounded like a keeper to her. All she hoped for Annie was that she would find someone as wonderful as her own husband Bill and be as happily married one day. Jane and Bill Marshall had been married for fourteen years and still acted like they were on their honeymoon. They were role models Annie hoped to emulate one day, but for now she was focused on her brand-new career, in spite of the delightful distraction provided by Seth for the past two months. Annie wanted to be a great architect one day.

“Is he there?” Jane asked conspiratorially, and her younger sister laughed. Jane was a freelance illustrator of children’s books and a proficient artist, but she had always been more interested in her husband and children than in her career. Bill was the publisher of a small but respected publishing house. They had spent the weekend in Martha’s Vineyard, closing up their summer house, and enjoying a romantic weekend away from their three kids.

“He just left,” Annie answered.

“Why so early?” Jane sounded disappointed for her.

“I have to work. I have a big presentation tomorrow, to an important client, and I wanted to work on the plans.”

“Good girl.” Jane was infinitely proud of her little sister. She was a star in her eyes. “We’ll be home in a couple of hours. We’re just leaving now. Bill is pre-flighting the plane. It was gorgeous here this weekend. I hate to close the house.” They loved the Vineyard, and so did their kids. They’d bought the house when their oldest, Lizzie, was born. She was twelve now, and the portrait of her mother. Ted was eight and looked just like Bill, with the same sweet nature and easygoing style. And Jane liked to say that her youngest, Katie, came from another planet. At five, she had opinions about everything, was incredibly bright, and was fearless. She was an old soul in a child’s body, and she always said that she and her aunt Annie were best friends. “How’s the weather in New York?” Jane asked her conversationally. It was hurricane season, but the weather at the Vineyard had been good.

“It’s been hot and sunny all weekend, but they say there’s a storm coming in tonight. It doesn’t look like it to me,” Annie answered.

“They’re expecting a storm here too—the wind picked up an hour ago, but it looks okay so far. Bill wants to get home before it starts.” He was waving to her from the plane then, and Jane grabbed her styrofoam cup of coffee and walked toward him, as she wound up the conversation with Annie. “I’ll call you when I get home. Don’t work too hard …. I love you. Why don’t you bring Seth out to dinner next weekend?”

“I’ll try. I may have to work, depending on how the meeting goes tomorrow. I love you too. Call me later,” Annie said comfortably as they hung up and she went back to work. She spread out the plans and studied them carefully. She could see a few adjustments she wanted to make, just subtle ones, but she was a perfectionist and wanted everything to be flawless the next day. She began slowly and meticulously making the changes she had thought about all weekend.

Jane got into the plane that was her husband’s pride and joy. He had been a Navy pilot, and in love with planes all his life. This was the biggest one he’d had. It was a Cessna 414 Chancellor that seated eight. It was perfect for them, their three children, and their babysitter Magdalena when she came to the Vineyard with them, which left room for two friends, or the mountain of shopping bags and suitcases that Jane always dragged back and forth between Greenwich and the Vineyard. The plane was a luxury, but it meant more to Bill than their house and was his most beloved possession. Jane always felt totally safe when Bill was flying, more so than on any commercial flight. He kept his license current and was instrument rated.

“Get your ass in here,” he said jokingly, as she pushed one more shopping bag into the plane. “There’s a storm coming, and I want to get us home before it hits.” The sky was darkening as he said it, and Jane’s long blond hair was flying in the wind. She hopped in, and he leaned over and kissed her, and then concentrated on the dials in front of him. He had clearance to leave, and they had instruments if the weather got socked in. Bill put the headphones on and talked to the tower as Jane pulled a magazine out of her bag. She loved trashy gossip magazines and reading about famous actresses and their romances and breakups, and discussing them with Annie as though the celebrities were their friends. Bill loved to tease them about it.

He carefully watched the sky as they took off in a stiff wind, and he rose quickly to the altitude he’d been assigned by the tower. They would be landing at Westchester County Airport in roughly an hour. It was an easy flight, and he had to pay attention to the traffic around Boston. He chatted amiably with the tower several times and smiled at Jane. They’d had a nice weekend. As much as he loved them, it was nice to get away from the kids and have her to himself.

“Annie sounds serious about her new guy,” Jane reported as he laughed.

“You’re not going to be happy until you marry her off.” He knew his wife well, and they both knew he was right. “She’s still a kid, and she just started her first job.”

“I was twenty-two when I married you,” she reminded him. “Annie is twenty-six.”

“You weren’t as serious about your career as she is. Give her a chance. She’s not exactly an old maid.” There was no way she ever would be. She was young and beautiful, and men were always pursuing her. But Bill was right—Annie wanted to get her career as an architect squared away before she settled down, which sounded sensible to him. And she loved being an aunt, but wasn’t ready to have kids.

Jane noticed that Bill was looking distracted then, and concentrating on the darkening sky. The air got choppy, and Jane could see that they were heading toward a storm. She didn’t say anything to Bill, she didn’t like to bother him when he was flying, so she looked out the window and then opened her magazine and took a sip of her coffee. A moment later, it splashed in her lap as the plane started to bounce.

“What was that?”

“There’s a storm coming up,” he said, with his eyes on the dials, and he let the controller know they were hitting a lot of chop, and got clearance to drop to a lower altitude. Jane could see a big airliner flying above them on their left, probably coming in from Europe, heading to Logan or JFK.

Their plane continued to bounce even at the lower altitude, and within minutes it grew worse, and Jane saw a bolt of lightning in the sky.

“Should we land?”

“No, we’re fine,” he smiled reassuringly, as it started to rain. They were over the Connecticut coast by then, and Bill turned to say something to her just when an explosion hit their left engine like a bomb, and the plane tipped crazily, as Bill concentrated on the controls.

“Shit, what was that?” Jane said hoarsely. Nothing like that had ever happened before, and Bill’s face was tense.

“I don’t know. It could be a fuel leak. I’m not sure,” he said tersely, as his jaw clenched. He was fighting to control the plane as they lost altitude rapidly, and with that the engine caught fire, and he guided the plane down looking for a clearing to land. Jane said not a word. She just watched as Bill fought to level them out again, but he couldn’t. They were listing badly and heading down at a frightening speed as he called in to the controller and told him where he was. “We’re going down, our left wing is on fire,” he said calmly, and Jane reached out and touched his arm. He never took his hand off the controls, and he told her he loved her. They were his last words as the Cessna hit the ground and exploded in a ball of fire.

Annie’s cell phone rang again just as she was erasing a change she had spent an hour making on the plans. She didn’t like it and was delicately changing it back. She was concentrating intensely, and then glanced at her phone lying on the drafting table. It was Jane, they had obviously gotten home. She almost didn’t answer it, she didn’t want to break her concentration, and Jane always wanted to chat.

Annie tried to ignore it, but the ringing was annoying and persistent, and finally she picked it up.

“Can I call you back?” she said as she answered, and was met by a flood of Spanish. Annie recognized the voice. It was Magdalena, the Salvadoran woman who took care of Jane and Bill’s kids. She sounded frantic. Annie knew these calls well. Magdalena had her number for when Bill and Jane were away. She usually only called Annie when one of the kids got hurt, but Annie knew that her sister would be home within minutes, if she wasn’t already there. She couldn’t understand a word Magdalena said in rapid Spanish.

“They’re on their way home,” Annie reassured her. Usually it was Ted who had fallen out of a tree or off a ladder or bumped his head. He was an active boy and accident prone. The girls were a lot more sedate. Lizzie was almost a teenager, and Katie was a fireball, but she was more verbal than athletic and had never gotten hurt. “I talked to Jane two hours ago,” Annie said calmly. “They should be home any minute.”

With that, Magdalena exploded in another torrent of Spanish. She sounded as though she was crying, and the only word Annie understood was la policia. The police.

“What about the police? Are the kids okay?” Maybe one of them really had gotten seriously injured. So far it had only been small stuff, except for Ted’s broken leg when he fell out of a tree at the Vineyard and his parents were there. “Tell me in English,” Annie insisted. “What happened? Who got hurt?”

“Your sister … the police call … the plane … ” Annie felt as though she had been shot out of a cannon and was spinning in midair. Everything was in slow motion, and she could feel herself reeling at the words.

“What did they say?” Annie managed to grind out the words through the shards of glass in her throat. Every word she formed was a physical pain. “What happened? What did the police SAY?” She was shouting at Magdalena and didn’t know it. And all Magdalena could do was sob. “TELL ME, DAMMIT!” Annie shouted at her, as Magdalena tried to tell her in English.

“I don’t know … something happen … I call her cell phone and she not answer … they say … they say … the plane catch fire. It was the police in New London.”

“I’ll call you back,” Annie said, and hung up on her. She finally got a police emergency number in New London, that referred her to another number. A voice asked her who she was, and after she told them, there was an interminable silence on the other end of the phone.

“Are you nearby?” the voice wanted to know.

“No, I’m not nearby,” Annie said, torn between a sob and an urge to shout at this unknown woman. Something terrible had happened. She was praying they were only hurt. “I’m in New York,” she explained. “What happened to the plane?” She gave them the call numbers of Bill’s plane, and a different voice came on the phone. He said he was a captain, and he told her what she didn’t want to know and never wanted to hear. He said the plane had exploded on impact and there were no survivors. He asked her if she knew who was on the plane.

“My sister and her husband,” Annie whispered, as she stared blindly into space. This hadn’t happened. It wasn’t possible. This couldn’t happen to them. But it had. She had no idea what to say next so she thanked the captain and hung up. She told him he could contact her at her sister’s home in Greenwich and gave him the number. And then she grabbed her purse and walked out of the apartment without even turning out the lights.

Later, she could not remember getting into her car or traveling to Greenwich in a driving rain. She had no memory of it whatsoever. The promised storm had hit New York. She left her car in the driveway in Greenwich and was drenched when she got to the house. Magdalena was crying in the kitchen. The kids were upstairs watching a movie, waiting for their parents to come home. And when they heard the door slam as Annie walked in, they came running to see their mom and dad, and what they saw instead was her, standing dripping in the living room, her hair plastered to her head, the tears running down her face like rain.

“Where are Mom and Dad?” Ted asked, looking confused, and Lizzie stared at her with wide eyes. The moment she saw Annie standing there, she knew, and her hand flew to her mouth.

“Mom and Dad … ,” Lizzie said with a look of horror, and Annie nodded as she ran halfway up the stairs to them and put her arms around all three. They clung to her like a life raft in a stormy sea, as the realization hit Annie with the force of a wrecking ball. Now all three of them were hers.

Chapter 2

The next days were a total nightmare. She had to tell them. Lizzie was devastated. Ted hid in the garage after he heard the news. Katie cried inconsolably. And at first Annie had no idea what to do. She went to New London to speak to the police. The wreckage of Bill’s plane was charred beyond recognition. There were no bodies, they had been blown to bits.

Somehow she managed to make the “arrangements.” She held a dignified funeral for them, and half of Greenwich came. Bill’s publishing associates came out from New York to pay their respects. And Annie had called her office and explained that she needed to take a week or two off and couldn’t make the presentation.

She moved into Bill and Jane’s house and went back to the city to get her things. The new apartment she loved was history. It had only one bedroom, and she didn’t want to uproot the children so soon, so she’d have to commute to the city. Magdalena agreed to move in. And Annie had to adjust to the idea that suddenly she was a twenty-six-year-old woman with three children. Jane and Bill had talked to her about it, that if anything happened to them, she would have to step in for them. Bill had no close relatives, and Annie and Jane’s own parents were dead. There was no one to take care of them now except Annie, and all four of them had to make the best of it. There was no other choice. And Annie’s vow to Jane the night before the funeral was to devote her life to their children and do the best she could. She had no idea how to be a mom, all she had ever been was a fun aunt, and now she would have to learn. She couldn’t even imagine stepping into their shoes, and she knew she was a poor substitute for parents like Bill and Jane, but she was all they had.

Seth had the grace to wait until a week after the funeral before he came to see her in Greenwich. He took her to dinner at a quiet place. He told her he was crazy about her, but he was twenty-nine years old, and there was no way he could take on a woman with three children. He said he had had a terrific time with her for the past two months, but this was way, way over his head. She said she understood. She didn’t cry, she wasn’t mad at him. She was numb. She said nothing after he explained the situation to her, and he drove her back to the house in silence. He tried to kiss her goodbye, and she turned her head away and walked into the house without a word to him. She had more important things to do now, like bring up three children. They had become a family overnight, and Seth wasn’t part of it, and didn’t want to be. She couldn’t imagine a man who would. She had grown up instantly the moment the plane had hit the ground.

* * *

Nine months later, in June, at the end of the school year, Annie moved them into the city, to an apartment she had rented, not far from the one she had just moved into when her sister died. This one had three bedrooms. And she signed the kids up in school in New York. Lizzie had turned thirteen by then, Ted was nine, and Katie six. Since she had been with them, Annie had done nothing but rush from work to home, to be with the kids. She spent the weekends taking Katie to ballet and Ted to soccer games. She took Lizzie shopping. She started Ted at the orthodontist and went to school meetings when she wasn’t working late. The architecture firm she worked for had been understanding about it. And with Magdalena covering for her, she managed to stay on top of her projects. And eventually she even got a promotion and a raise.

Bill and Jane had left their children comfortably provided for. Bill had made some good investments, the house in Greenwich sold for an excellent price, and so did the one on Martha’s Vineyard, and there had been an insurance policy for the children. They had what they needed financially, if Annie was careful with it, but they didn’t have a mom and dad. They had an aunt. They were patient with Annie while she learned. There were some bumps and some sad times for them all at first, but in time they all got used to the hand they’d been dealt. And Magdalena stayed.

In time, Annie got them through high school, through their first romances, and helped them apply to college. By the time he was fourteen Ted had decided to go to law school. Lizzie was obsessed with fashion and wanted to be a model for a while. And Kate had her mother’s artistic talent, but unlike the rest of them, she marched to her own drummer. She used her allowance to get her ears pierced at thirteen, and then her belly button, to Annie’s horror. She dyed her hair blue and then purple, and at eighteen she got a tattoo of a unicorn on the inside of her wrist, which must have hurt like hell when she got it. And she was a talented artist like her mother. She got accepted at Pratt School of Design and was a very capable illustrator. She looked like no one Annie had ever known. She was tiny, fiercely independent, and very brave. She had strong beliefs about everything, including politics, and argued with anyone who didn’t agree with her, and wasn’t afraid to stand alone. She had been a handful in her teens but eventually settled down once she got to college and moved into the dorm. Ted had his own apartment by then, and got a job after college, before he went to law school. Liz was working for Elle. Bringing up her sister’s children had been Annie’s vocation and full-time job. She had no other life but theirs and her work.

At thirty-five, Annie had opened her own architecture office, after nine years with the same firm. She loved what she did and preferred residential jobs to the big corporate ones she had done for years. After four years in her own firm, she had found her niche. And she was stunned by how much she missed the children when they moved out. It gave the term “empty nest” new meaning, and she filled the void in her life with more work instead of people.

She hadn’t had a date for the first three years the children lived with her, and after that there had been some minor relationships, but never a serious one. She didn’t have time. She was too busy taking care of her nieces and nephew and establishing herself as an architect. There was no room for a man in her life. Her closest friend, Whitney Coleman, scolded her for it regularly. They had been friends since college, and Whitney was married to a doctor in New Jersey, with three kids of her own, younger than the Marshall children. She had been a source of endless support for Annie, and invaluable advice, and now all she wanted was for Annie to think of herself. She had thought of everyone else for thirteen years. The time had moved like a bullet in the night. The early years had been a blur, but after that, Annie had truly enjoyed the children she had raised. She had lived up to the vow she had made Jane and she had gotten the children grown up, and all three were doing well.

“Now what?” Whitney said to her after Kate moved into the dorm. “What are you going to do for yourself?” It was a question Annie hadn’t asked herself in thirteen years.

“What am I supposed to do? Stand on a street corner and whistle for a guy, like a cab?” She was thirty-nine years old and not panicked about being single. She didn’t mind. Things had turned out differently than she’d planned, but she was happy.

The kids were all good people, her architecture firm was a success, and she had more work than she could handle. She was doing well, and so were they. Ted had just applied to law school and had gotten a new apartment with a friend from college, and at twenty-five, Liz had just landed a job at Vogue, after working for three years at Elle. Each of them was on a career path. Annie had done her job. The only thing she didn’t have was a life of her own, other than work. They were her life, and she insisted that was all she needed.

“That’s ridiculous!” Whitney said irreverently. “You’re not a hundred years old, for chrissake. And you have no excuse not to date now—the kids are grown up.” She had fixed Annie up with several blind dates, none of which had worked out, and Annie said she didn’t care.

“If I’m meant to meet a guy, it’ll happen one of these days,” she said philosophically. “Besides, I’m too set in my ways now. And I want to spend holidays and vacations with the kids. A man would interfere with that. And it might upset them.”

“Don’t you want more in your life than just being an aunt?” Whitney asked her sadly. It didn’t seem fair to Whitney that Annie had sacrificed her own life for her sister’s children, but she didn’t seem to mind, and she was happy as she was. Her own biological clock had run out of batteries years before, without a sound. She had three children she loved and didn’t want more.

“I’m happy,” Annie reassured her, and she seemed to be. The two women met for lunch when Whitney came into the city, usually to go shopping. And Annie went to New Jersey for the weekend once in a while, after the kids were gone, but most of the time she was too busy working on weekends to go anywhere. And her work was beautiful. There were several handsome townhouses on the Upper East Side that she had renovated, spectacular penthouses, and several beautiful estates in the Hamptons, and one in Bronxville. And she had turned a number of brownstones into offices for clients. Her business was booming and continued to grow. She had just turned down a job in Los Angeles, and another in London, because she said she didn’t have time to travel. She was happy working in New York. And basically she was happy with her life, and it showed. She had done exactly what she wanted and what she’d promised. She had accompanied her nieces and nephew from childhood to young adulthood, and she didn’t mind the sacrifices she’d had to make at all. And by the time she was forty-two, Annie was one of the most successful architects in New York, and loved practicing on her own.

It was the day before Thanksgiving, on a freezing-cold morning, as Annie walked through the gutted interior of a townhouse on East Sixty-ninth Street with a couple who had hired her two months before. The house represented an enormous investment for them, and they wanted Annie to turn it into a spectacular home. It was hard to visualize as they climbed over the rubble the workmen had left after taking out several walls. Annie was showing them the proportions of the newly enlarged living room and dining room and where the grand staircase was going to go. She had a unique talent for combining ancient and contemporary designs and making it look both avant-garde and warm, although it was hard to imagine right now.

The husband was questioning her intensely about the costs, and his wife was looking anxious now that she saw the state of total chaos the house was in. Annie had promised them it would be complete in a year.

“Do you really think you can get us in by next fall?” Alicia Ebersohl said nervously.

“This contractor is very good. He’s never let me down yet,” Annie said, smiling pleasantly at them. She looked calm and unruffled, as she stepped over several beams. She was wearing gray slacks, stylish black leather boots, and a heavy coat with a fur-lined hood. She still looked considerably younger than she was.

“He’ll probably bring it in at twice the price. I had no idea we were going to destroy this much of the house,” Harry Ebersohl commented with a look of dismay.

“We’re just making room. You’re going to need these walls for your art.” She had been working closely with their interior designer, and everything was in control. “Three months from now you’ll start to see the beauty of the house emerge.”

“I hope so,” Alicia said softly, but she no longer looked so sure. They had loved their friends’ house that Annie had done, and had begged her to take this job, and once Annie saw the house she couldn’t resist, although she already had too much on her plate as it was. “I hope we didn’t make a mistake with this house,” Alicia said, as her husband shook his head in despair.

“It’s a little late to be saying that now,” he grumbled as they went back downstairs and headed toward the front door. When they opened it, they stepped out into an icy blast, and Annie pulled the fur hood up over her blond hair. Both Ebersohls had already commented to each other how pretty she was, and that she apparently was good at what she did too, from everything they’d heard.

“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Annie said easily, as she walked them to their car with the plans under her arm.

“Our kids are coming home tonight.” Alicia smiled. Annie knew that both of them were in college, one at Princeton, and the other one at Dartmouth, a girl and a boy.

“So are mine.” Annie smiled happily. She couldn’t wait. All three had promised to stay with her over Thanksgiving, as they always did. Her favorite times were when they came home.

“I didn’t know you had children.” Alicia looked surprised as Annie nodded. She never talked about her personal life, just the job. She was the consummate professional in every way, which was why they had hired her. The information that she had children startled both Ebersohls.

“I have three. Actually, they’re my nieces and nephew. My sister died in an accident sixteen years ago, and I inherited her kids. They’re grown up now. The oldest is an editor at Vogue, my nephew is in his second year at law school, and the youngest is in college. I miss them like crazy, so it’s a treat for me when they come home.” Annie was smiling as she said it, and the Ebersohls looked amazed.

“What a wonderful thing to do. Not everyone would have taken that on. You must have been very young.” She hardly looked thirty now, but they knew her age from her credentials on her website.

“I was very young.” Annie smiled at them. “We all grew up together, and it’s been a great blessing for me. I’m very proud of them.” They chatted for a few more minutes, and then the Ebersohls got in their car and drove away. Harry was still looking worried, but Annie had promised him the work would come in at the price she’d quoted them, and Alicia was talking excitedly about the grand staircase when they left.

Annie glanced at her watch as she hailed a cab. She had five minutes to get to Seventy-ninth and Fifth to meet with a new client. Jim Watson had just bought a co-op and didn’t know exactly what he wanted. All he knew was that he wanted it to be fabulous, and he wanted Annie to make magic with it. She was meeting with him to give him some ideas. Jim was recently divorced and wanted a fantastic bachelor pad. It was a shift of mental gears as she rode uptown, and just before she got there, her cell phone rang. It was Liz. She sounded nervous and rushed. She always was. She had recently become the jewelry editor at Vogue, and she had just gotten back from Milan. She had come home to be with Annie and her siblings for Thanksgiving. It was a sacred date for all four of them. Annie was going to cook the turkey as she did every year.

“How was Milan?” Annie asked her, happy to hear her voice. She worried about her. Liz worked so hard, and she was always so stressed. She never had time to eat and had been much too thin for the past three years. It was the look everyone aspired to at Vogue.

“It was crazy but fun. I ran around for four days. We spent the weekend in Venice, which is dismal in the winter. And I spent a day in Paris on the way back. I picked out some great pieces for the shoot I’m doing next week.” If possible, she worked even harder than Annie, or just as hard. “Can I bring Jean-Louis tomorrow?” she asked Annie, and knew she would say yes. The question was just a formality, out of respect. Annie had welcomed their friends and significant others for all the years they’d lived together and since. “I didn’t know he was coming. He just flew in today. He has a shoot here this weekend.” They had met while working together in Paris, and Jean-Louis kept a loft in New York for his frequent visits. He was a successful photographer and almost identical to all the men Lizzie had had in her life. They were either photographers or male models, always handsome, never too deep, and Liz never got too attached. Annie often wondered if losing her parents had made Liz gun-shy about getting too close to anyone. Her romances never lasted long. She was surprised that Jean-Louis had been around for a while. Lizzie had been going out with him for six months.

“Of course you can bring him.” Annie had only met him once. He seemed nice enough, but she hadn’t been too impressed.

“What time should we come?”

“Same as every year. Come at noon, lunch at one. Or you can come home tonight if you want. Ted and Katie are spending the weekend.”

“I promised Jean-Louis I’d stay with him,” Liz said, sounding apologetic. “I’m going to help him with his shoot, unofficially. I’m pulling some jewelry for him today.”

“He’s a lucky guy,” Annie said, and meant it, and not just because Liz was helping him with his work. Liz always gave better than she got. The men she got involved with were always selfish and spoiled, and Annie worried that she sold herself short. She was a beautiful, talented, intelligent young woman. It shocked Annie sometimes when she realized that at twenty-eight, Liz was two years older than she had been when she inherited all of them. And in some ways Liz seemed so young. And she never seemed to think about marriage or settling down. Annie realized that she hadn’t set them much of an example on that score, since all she did herself was work, and take care of them when they were young. They had rarely if ever seen her with a date. She had kept the few men in her life well away from them, and there hadn’t been many anyway, and none she had cared about seriously. The last man she had been crazy about had been Seth, sixteen years before. She had run into him once a few years ago—he was married, lived in Connecticut, and had four kids. He had tried to explain to her how bad he felt that he hadn’t stepped up to the plate for her when her sister died, and she had laughed and brushed it off and told him she was fine. But it had given her a little flutter to see him. He was as handsome as he’d been before, and she had told Whitney about it. It all seemed like ancient history now.

Liz was in the process of apologizing to Annie that Jean-Louis hadn’t brought decent clothes with him, since he’d be working, and Annie assured her it didn’t matter. None of the men in Liz’s life ever owned a suit. Whether successful photographers or famous models, they always showed up in ragged clothes, with long hair and beards. It was the look she seemed to like, or the one most prevalent in her milieu. Annie had grown used to it over the years, although she would have loved to see her with a decently dressed guy with a haircut, just once.

In contrast, Liz was always stylish beyond belief and gave Annie fashion tips and even occasionally brought her clothes. It was always fun to see what Liz would wear. Annie’s style was simpler and more practical than hers. She felt too old now for wild clothes, and she had to wear things she could get around her job sites in without freezing or falling on her face in stiletto heels. Liz was tall, like her late mother and her aunt, and never wore anything less than six-inch heels. They were considered running shoes at the magazines where she had worked.

“See you tomorrow,” Lizzie said, as Annie arrived at the address on Fifth Avenue and took the elevator up to the top floor where Jim Watson was waiting for her, looking slightly dazed. He was suddenly terrified that the place was too big for him, and he said he had no idea how to decorate it without his ex-wife’s help. Annie assured him she would take care of everything for him, and she took some sketches out of her briefcase, and as he looked at them, he smiled. Annie had imagined the perfect bachelor pad for him, even before he knew what he wanted himself. He was thrilled. And she walked through each room describing it to him, and bringing her ideas to life.

“You’re amazing!” he said happily, and unlike Harry Ebersohl, he wasn’t worried about the cost. He just wanted something that would impress his friends and the women he wanted to date. And better than that, Annie was going to give him a home. She promised him a delivery date of nine months. And they stood on the terrace together looking out at Central Park as it started to snow.

He was forty-five years old, and one of the richest men in New York. He was looking at Annie with interest, as she talked to him about the apartment. She was completely oblivious to the way he was looking at her. Any other single woman her age would have been doing her best to charm him, but she was always professional with her clients. All he was to her was a job. It made no difference to her whatsoever that he had a yacht in St. Barts and his own plane. She was interested in the apartment, not the man. Annie was friendly but totally businesslike in her manner. He suspected that she had a husband or boyfriend, but he didn’t dare ask.

Annie left an hour after she arrived. She promised to send him plans within two weeks and wished him a happy Thanksgiving. She was totally clear on what he wanted and what she was going to do for him. He told her he was leaving for Aspen that night, to spend the holiday with friends. And he stood at the window, watching the snow fall on Central Park after she left.

The apartment was silent and empty when Annie got home, just as it was every night. It was so different now than when the children still lived there. There were none of Kate’s clothes on the floor, strewn around the living room. Ted’s TV wasn’t on. Liz wasn’t dashing in and out, brandishing a curling iron, late for whatever she was doing, with no time to eat. The fridge wasn’t full. Kate’s briefly vegan meals weren’t left all over the sink. The music wasn’t on. Their friends weren’t there. The phone didn’t ring. The house was empty, neat, and clean, and Annie still wasn’t used to it, even three years after Kate had left for college. Annie suspected that it was a void she would never be able to fill. Her sister had given her the greatest gift in life, and time had slowly taken it from her. She knew that it was right for them to grow up and leave, but she hated it anyway, and nothing made her happier than when they came home.

She went out to the kitchen and started organizing things for the next day. She had just stacked the good plates on the kitchen counter, getting ready to set the table, when she heard the front door slam and what sounded like a load of bricks being dumped in her front hall. She gave a start at the wall-shuddering sound and stuck her head out the kitchen door, as Kate dumped her backpack on the floor where her books lay. She had an enormous artist’s portfolio in one hand and stood grinning at Annie in a black miniskirt, a black hooded sweatshirt with a shocking pink skull on it, and silver combat boots that Annie knew she had found at a garage sale somewhere. She was wearing black-and white-striped tights that made her look like a punk Raggedy Ann, and her short jet-black hair stood up all over her head. What saved the whole look was her exquisite face. She came bounding across the living room and threw her arms around Annie’s neck. The two women hugged as Annie beamed. This was what she had lived for, for sixteen years.

“Hi, Annie,” Kate said happily, then planted a kiss on her cheek and bounded toward the fridge. The look of bliss on her aunt’s face said it all.

“Am I happy to see you! Are you vegan this week?” Annie teased her.

“No, I gave it up. I missed meat too much.” She helped herself to a banana, sat down on one of the kitchen chairs, and smiled lovingly at her aunt. “Where’s everyone?” she asked as she peeled the banana and stuffed a chunk of it into her mouth. The way she did it made her look about five years old instead of twenty-one.

“Ted should be here any minute. And Lizzie is coming tomorrow. She’s bringing Jean-Louis.” Katie looked unimpressed, went to get a CD out of her backpack, and put it in the machine that had been silent since the last time she’d been there. It was one by the Killers, which sounded like the rest of her music to Annie.

“I got a new tattoo, wanna see?” she asked proudly as Annie groaned.

“Can I still ground you at twenty-one?” Annie asked as Katie pulled up her sleeve to show off a colored Tweety Bird on her forearm. “You should get one too,” Kate teased her. She knew how much her aunt hated them. “I designed it myself. I did some designs for the tattoo parlor, and they gave me this one for free.”

“I’d have paid you double not to do it. How are you going to feel about having Tweety Bird on your arm when you’re fifty?”

“I’ll worry about it then,” Kate said, looking around the familiar kitchen, and obviously happy to be home. “I’ll set the table,” she volunteered. And when Annie went to get the tablecloth out of a drawer in the dining room, she saw Katie’s belongings spread all over the front hall. It looked good to her. The house was much too pristine without them. She loved the mess, the noise, the music, the funny hair, the silver boots. It was everything that she missed.

They were setting the table together when Ted walked in half an hour later. He was wearing a heavy parka, a gray crew-neck sweater, jeans, and running shoes and had come straight from school. His hair was short, and he was clean shaven, a tall, handsome boy with dark hair and light gray eyes. He looked preppy and wholesome and of no possible relation to Katie, with her wild clothes, row of pierced earrings, and brand-new Tweety Bird tattoo. She showed it to him, and he made a face. The girls Ted went out with were always blond and blue eyed and looked like his mother and aunt. It was hard to believe that he and Katie had grown up in the same house.

He gave his aunt a warm hug and turned the TV on to a hockey game. He didn’t want to miss the end. They ordered pizza for dinner, and the three of them laughed and chatted at the kitchen table when it came. Ted talked about law school, and Annie showed them some of the work she’d brought home in her portfolio, and it was very good. She had real talent. The TV and music were both on. The table was set for Thanksgiving, and as Annie looked at the two young people in her kitchen, all was well in her world. Katie’s things were still in a heap in the front hall at midnight, when Annie finally picked them up and took them to her room. There was a time when she would have complained about it and scolded Kate for the mess she made. Now it warmed her heart to see it, and she was just happy to have them home.

Chapter 3

Annie was up before dawn the next morning, moving silently around the kitchen, as she made the stuffing, put it in the turkey, and then slid the huge bird into the oven. She checked the dining room, and the table she and Katie had set the night before looked lovely. She was back in bed by seven, and decided to get a little more sleep before they all got up. She knew that Ted and Katie would sleep late.

Annie managed to get two more hours’ sleep before her friend Whitney called and woke her at nine.

“Did I wake you? You’re lucky. The boys have been driving me crazy for the past two hours. They’ve already had two breakfasts, the one I made them, and the one they made themselves.” Annie smiled when she heard her and stretched in her bed. She even slept better when the kids were home. She could no longer imagine what her life would have been like without them. Whitney always said that without her two nieces and nephew, Annie probably would have been married and had kids of her own. Annie wasn’t as sure. She might have just concentrated on her career. Since Seth, no Prince Charming had ever come along. At least not so far. Just a few men she had gotten briefly involved with but never fallen in love with. And within a short time the relationships had fallen apart. She had too much else to do to devote herself to a man, and their existence in her life always interfered with her main commitment, to her sister’s children. There had been no room for them and a man too. “Are all three of them home?” Whitney asked her.

“No, just Ted and Katie. Liz is staying with her boyfriend.”

“Is this one serious?” She would have loved to have a daughter and envied Annie the two girls. All her boys wanted to do was play sports. She missed having a daughter to fuss over, but hadn’t dared try again for fear of having a fourth son, and always said that that much testosterone under one roof would have done her in. Three sons and a husband were enough for her.

“He looks like all the others,” Annie said, referring to Jean-Louis. “He commutes between New York and Paris, and Liz works so hard she doesn’t see him much. She’s focused on her career.”

“Guess who she takes after,” Whitney teased her. “You’ve set a lousy example to these kids. It’s about time you gave them a healthy role model and found a guy.”

“I keep writing my name and phone number in public bathrooms, but no one calls.”

“That’s pathetic. Fred has a friend I want you to meet. He’s a really nice guy. A surgeon. Why don’t you come on New Year’s Eve? He’ll be here.”

“That’s not a night for blind dates. Besides, I don’t want to leave the kids.” It had been her battle cry for years.

“Are you kidding? They’ll probably all be out with friends. They don’t want to spend New Year’s Eve with you. At least I hope not.”

“I don’t know their plans,” Annie said vaguely. She didn’t want to meet a stranger on New Year’s Eve. It would be too depressing. Annie had had too many blind dates over the years, and none of them had panned out. Friends had been fixing her up with losers for years.

“Well, keep it in mind, because they’re going to ditch you for their friends, I promise. I’d be surprised if they didn’t. You can spend the night with us.” Whitney and Fred gave a New Year’s Eve party every year, but it was never fun for Annie. Everyone was married, except for the creeps they set her up with. And as much as she loved Whitney, and had for years, being the wife of a doctor in New Jersey didn’t make for an interesting social life. Annie always wound up feeling like the odd man out at Whitney’s parties, or a freak for being single at forty-two. People just didn’t understand how busy she had been for all those years. And now that the kids were grown up, she was busy with her business. She had no time to go out looking for a man and no longer really cared.

“You’ve done what you promised your sister. Now give yourself a break. Come to New Year’s Eve.”

“I’ll let you know,” Annie said vaguely. She had the unpleasant feeling that Whitney was going to insist. She usually did. “So who’s coming to Thanksgiving?” she said, trying to change the subject and distract Whitney from her own nonexistent personal life.

“The usual suspects. Fred’s sister and her husband and kids, and his parents. Her twins destroy my house. You’re lucky yours are civilized and grown up.”

“Believe me, I miss the stage you’re at with yours,” Annie said nostalgically, with a wistful tone in her voice.

“You just don’t remember what it was like. God save me from teenage boys.” Whitney sounded rueful, and they laughed. “I’ll come in for lunch next week. And I want you to think about New Year’s Eve. He’s a great guy.”

“I’m sure he is. I just don’t have time.” Or the desire to meet another one of Fred’s dreary friends. They just weren’t fun, and there was no reason to think that this one would be any different. They never were. If she was going to fall for a man, Annie wanted it to be someone great. Otherwise, why bother? She had decided years before that she’d rather sit home alone than go out with a dud, just for the sake of going out. And everyone tried too hard on New Year’s Eve and drank too much, including Fred. Whitney thought he walked on water, which was nice. Annie’s role models for relationships were her late sister and brother-in-law, who had been madly in love until the end. She didn’t want less than that for herself or even for their kids. She had talked about them a lot to their children over the years, and there were photos of Jane and Bill everywhere. She had kept their memory alive for all of them.

Annie got up to go check on the turkey, and Ted wandered in a few minutes later in pajama bottoms and a T-shirt, looking like an overgrown boy. At twenty-four, he was a handsome man, like his father. And when she checked, the turkey was looking good and turning brown.

“Do you need help?” Ted offered, as he poured himself a glass of orange juice and handed one to his aunt.

“I think I’m fine. You can help me carve.”

“That’s good. It’s great being here. I get tired of living with three guys at my apartment. They’re all such slobs.”

“Like your sister,” Annie said with a rueful smile as they sat down at the kitchen table.

“Actually they’re worse than Kate.” Ted grinned.

“That’s scary,” Annie said, as her younger niece walked into the room. Her spiky hair was standing up straight, and she was wearing a flannel nightgown with skulls all over it.

Annie made them both scrambled eggs and then basted the turkey, as the two young people thanked her for the breakfast and devoured it.

“It’s nice to be home,” Kate said happily, as Annie smiled at her and leaned over and kissed her.

“It’s nice for me too,” Annie said softly. “This place is a tomb without you.”

“You need to meet a guy,” Kate said firmly, and Annie rolled her eyes.

“You sound like Whitney. She says hi by the way.”

“Hi to her,” Kate said easily, and then Annie saw that she had Tinkerbell on the other forearm.

“What is that?” Ted commented with a look of disapproval that his sister was familiar with. “A tribute to Disney?”

“You’re just jealous,” Katie said, and then put her plate in the dishwasher. “I think Annie should get a tattoo. It would give her a whole new look.”

“What’s wrong with my old look? Besides, it would scare my clients.”

“I’m sure they’d love it,” Katie insisted. “Don’t listen to Mr. Clean here. He wouldn’t know style if it bit him on the ass. He’s stuck in 1950. Leave it to Beaver.”

“That’s better than the cartoon fest on your arms. What’s next? Cinderella or Snow White?”

“I think I should get an eagle on my chest,” Annie said pensively, as Katie grinned.

“I’ll design it for you if you want. You could do a butterfly on your back. I did a great one for the tattoo parlor last week. They’ve already used it for two people.”

“There’s a career goal for you,” Ted commented drily. “Tattoo artist. I’ll bet Mom and Dad would have loved that.”

“What do you know?” Kate looked annoyed by the comment. “Maybe they would have thought law school was boring. They had more pizzazz than that.”

“They would have been proud of you both,” Annie intervened in the discussion, and basted the bird in the oven again. “We should probably get dressed.” It was eleven o’clock by then.

“No rush. Liz will be an hour late and act surprised. She always does,” Katie commented.

“She has a lot to do.” Annie defended her.

“She just can’t tell time. Who’s she bringing?” Ted asked with interest.

“The photographer she’s dating. Jean-Louis.”

“Oh. A frog. He can watch football with me.”

“Lucky guy,” Kate teased her older brother. “Football is such a redneck sport.” Ted looked murderous for a minute, and then he laughed. Katie had known how to get his goat ever since she could talk, and it was no different now.

A few minutes later they all disappeared to their rooms and emerged again at noon. Ted was wearing gray slacks, a blazer, and a tie and looked heartbreakingly like his father to Annie. They were almost clones. And Katie looked like a more dressed-up version of herself. She was wearing a black leather miniskirt, a black fur-trimmed sweater that Annie had bought her, and black tights and high heels, and she’d put gel on her hair to spike it more, and wore makeup, which she rarely did. She looked beautiful, while still being faithful to her very individual style. And Annie was wearing a soft brown cashmere sweater-dress and high heels.

It was nearly one o’clock when Liz walked into the apartment. She was wearing black leather pants, a white Chanel jacket, and towering high heels. Her blond hair was pulled back in a sleek bun, and she was wearing small diamond earrings that she had borrowed from the shoot, and they were glittering fiercely on her ears. The man who walked in behind her looked like a homeless person she had picked up on the street. He was wearing torn sneakers, jeans with holes in them, and a black hooded sweatshirt with holes in it too. His uncombed hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and he had a beard. He was smiling and relaxed as he walked into the room, and he had brought flowers for Annie. His manners were impeccable, and his appearance was totally out of sync with Liz’s. She looked like one of the models from the magazine, and he looked like he had been shipwrecked for a year. And his French accent lent charm to his appearance. He kissed Annie and Katie on both cheeks and shook Ted’s hand. He was personable and friendly, and within minutes, they all forgot how he looked. He was one of the most successful young photographers in Paris, and in great demand in New York. He didn’t seem to care at all about what he wore, nor did Liz. She was obviously happy to be with him, as Annie silently wished her niece didn’t have a weakness for men who looked like that. They all stood around the kitchen while Ted carved the turkey, and then they sat down in the dining room, as Kate lit the candles, and Liz and Annie brought in the food. It was a feast. And by the time they got up from the table, they could hardly move.

“I think it was your best Thanksgiving ever,” Ted complimented Annie, and she beamed. The turkey had been perfect. She had improved her culinary skills over the years, mostly by trial and error.

Ted turned to Jean-Louis then and invited him to watch football with him. The young photographer was only a few years older than Ted but was far more sophisticated. He had talked about his five-year-old son at dinner. He had never been married to the boy’s mother but had lived with her for two years, and they had remained friends. And he said he saw the boy as often as he could. He was planning to spend Christmas with him. And Liz was meeting Jean-Louis in Paris the day after. She had a major jewelry shoot there after the first of the year, and she was going to spend a week with Jean-Louis between Christmas and New Year’s. Annie was intrigued to hear he had a son and wondered how Liz felt about it, but she didn’t seem to mind. It seemed so grown-up for Liz to be dating a man with a child. But she was old enough to take it on if that was what she wanted. Annie wasn’t quite sure. Liz seemed no more serious about Jean-Louis than she had about the look-alikes who came before him. And he seemed no more serious about her, although he was very flirtatious with her, and Annie found them kissing passionately in the kitchen. She suspected the relationship was about sex and enjoying each other’s company. It made her feel old to see it. And for a moment she wondered if Whitney was right. Annie had put that part of her life away on a shelf and forgotten all about it. But it seemed like too much trouble to remember. Those games belonged to youth. Watching Jean-Louis and Liz suddenly made her feel ancient. She had traded her own youth for surrogate motherhood to her sister’s children. Even now it seemed like the right thing to do, and a fair trade, and she didn’t regret it.

Ted and Jean-Louis went to watch TV in the living room, while Jean-Louis extolled the virtues of soccer, but he seemed to enjoy the American sport too. There was much hooting and cheering and yelling from in front of the TV, while the three women cleared the table, and Liz commented to her aunt and sister what a nice man Jean-Louis was. Kate was inclined to agree and liked his looks, and Annie admitted he was a little too scruffy for her, but she knew that was the desirable look of the moment. She had seen enough of Liz’s friends to be aware of it, and it no longer shocked her, but it didn’t appeal to her either. She preferred Ted’s clean-cut style to Jean-Louis’s.

The three women stood in the kitchen and talked while they cleaned up, and by the time they finished, the football game was over. Jean-Louis commented about what a fantastic meal it had been, the best he had ever eaten. And he won Katie’s heart by admiring her tattoos. They all agreed it had been a perfect Thanksgiving, and Jean-Louis seemed to revel in the warm atmosphere. And he touched Annie by saying what a wonderful woman Liz was. It was obvious that he was very taken with her, and he charmed everyone. After they left, Ted, Annie, and Kate watched a movie on a DVD, and it was midnight when they finally got up to go to bed.

Annie came in to say goodnight to Kate a few minutes later and was surprised to find her lying on her bed, still dressed, talking on the phone. She sounded animated and looked happy, and Annie discreetly left the room. She went to say goodnight to Ted, and he kissed her and thanked her for the wonderful Thanksgiving. He seemed grateful to be home. And when she went back to Kate’s room, she was off the phone, with a mysterious expression. She looked like the proverbial Cheshire cat.

“New romance?” Annie asked her. She didn’t like to pry, but she tried to keep abreast of what was happening in their lives. Kate nodded vaguely in answer and didn’t meet her eyes.

“Maybe.”

“Do I know him?”

“No. Just someone I know from school. It’s not a big deal.” But her eyes said something different. Kate had always been very private and somewhat secretive, and more inclined to serious relationships than casual ones. She had gone out with the same boy all through high school, but they broke up when he went to college on the West Coast. She hadn’t had a serious boyfriend in three years, but something told Annie that this one might be. Katie looked dreamy eyed as she kissed her aunt goodnight.

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Annie said as she kissed her niece, and Katie just smiled.

Chapter 4

As it had been for several years now, it was an adjustment for Annie when her nieces and nephew left after the Thanksgiving weekend. Ted went back to his apartment, and Kate to her dorm on Sunday night. The house felt like a tomb, and the only thing that cheered her was knowing that they would stay with her again over Christmas, which was only a month away. After so many years of living with them, and as her main focus and only personal life, she lived for the times when they were together. She hated to admit it to anyone, even Whitney, but it was true.

It was a relief to get back to work on Monday morning. She had four client meetings set up in one day and visited two of her job sites during lunch. And she didn’t get back to the apartment until eight that night. She was so tired, she looked at some plans and notes she’d made during meetings with clients, and then took a bath and went to bed. She was almost too tired to miss the kids, never bothered to eat dinner, and barely noticed the darkened rooms and silence in the apartment. It was the drug she had always used to counter loneliness and pain, total immersion in work.

The Monday after the Thanksgiving weekend was a busy day for Liz too. She had an important jewelry shoot for the March issue, and she had pulled major pieces from all over the world. The theme was Spring, and all the jewelry she was using was in flower designs, leaves, and roots, from their most important jewelry advertisers, and some new designers that Liz had found herself. There were three armed guards at the shoot, and four of the currently most important models in the world. One of them had agreed to pose naked, literally covered in jewels. And the photographer they were using was major too. They were having fun on the set, trying things on and playing with them during breaks.

Jean-Louis stopped by when he finished his own shoot. Liz and her group were working late.

“Pretty shot,” he said admiringly from the sidelines, as he stood next to Liz. She was wearing black leggings and a T-shirt, her long blond hair pulled back in a ponytail, no makeup, and high-heeled Givenchy sandals they had made especially for her. She looked tired and stressed. They had been working since eight o’clock that morning, and she’d been at the photographer’s studio at six to set things up. Usually she would have had an assistant do it, but the pieces they were using were of such enormous value that she felt she should be there herself.

Jean-Louis put his arms around her and kissed her. They had been dating for months, with frequent breaks since they lived in separate cities, and they both traveled constantly for work. They tried to get together in Paris or New York once or twice a month. It seemed to work, and neither of them had time for more of a relationship. They were both rising stars in their fields.

Liz’s secret dream was to be editor of Vogue one day, and she knew that getting there was still years away. She had to make her mark as an outstanding editor first. And the stories she did now were key. Jean-Louis was successful but more relaxed about his work. He told her that she took life too seriously, but Liz always had. Life had gotten very serious for her on a September Sunday when she was twelve. And she had been intense about everything ever since. The one thing she never did was relax. She never took anything for granted, and she never got too attached. The only people she felt she couldn’t live without were her brother, sister, and aunt. The men in her life came and went. Jean-Louis had accused her several times of being cool and detached. The Ice Princess, he called her. She wasn’t, but she was standoffish with men. It was easy to understand why. She had told him she had lost her parents as a child, but she never went into detail. Her night terrors afterward, the nightmares she had had and sometimes still did, the years of therapy to get over the loss, were none of his business. All she wanted from Jean-Louis was to have fun, and she liked that they worked in the same field. The men she went out with were always related to fashion. Other people didn’t understand the crazy world in which she lived, and how passionate she was about her work. Her aunt Annie felt the same way about what she did and had been a role model for Liz as she grew up. Her directive to Liz had been to follow her dream and do whatever it took to do it well. Liz had always tried to live by those rules and was highly respected in the world of fashion as a result. Her ideas were innovative, bold, and fresh.

It was nearly midnight when they took the final shot. Jean-Louis had gone home to his loft by then, and Lizzie promised to come by when they finished. There was a cheer in the studio when the photographer shot the last roll and gave a war whoop of satisfaction with the last shot. The pictures they got were going to be great.

It took Liz and two assistants another hour to wrap up all the jewels and mark the boxes. The three armed guards accompanied her back to her office, where she put everything in the safe. She got to Jean-Louis’s place at two. He was listening to music and drinking a glass of wine as he waited for her. And he was standing naked in his living room, with his long, lean splendid body, when Liz helped herself to the key he kept behind the fire extinguisher outside his door and walked in. He hid it there because he was always losing it. Half the models in town knew where to find that key. But for now the key was only for her. She didn’t mind how little time they spent together, but the one thing she cared about was that they were exclusive to each other and slept with no one else. And Jean-Louis had agreed. He had no need for a long-term commitment. When he wanted a different woman, he left and found one. But neither of them had any desire to go elsewhere for now. However inadequate Annie thought he was for her, Lizzie was satisfied. Jean-Louis fit perfectly into her high-flying, fast-moving, glamorous world, and he was just as comfortable with her.

He smiled as she walked in, and silently held out a glass of wine. And as she came to him, and he stripped her thin layer of clothes off, he became rapidly aroused. He lowered her gently onto the couch, and they made love there. They were both breathless and sated when they were through.

“You drive me crazy,” he said happily, his head thrown back, as she ran a graceful finger along his beard, down his neck, and then let her fingers drift slowly down. “Don’t … ,” he said, catching her hand and smiling at her. “If we make love again, I’ll die.”

“No, you won’t,” she whispered, and kissed him where it mattered most. They worked hard, played hard, and the sex was great. Better because they weren’t together all the time. There was still excitement and mystery and hunger between them, which fueled the fires of their passion. He had never told her that he loved her, and she never wondered if he did. She wasn’t ready for that, with anyone, and never had been. She cared about him and liked him and enjoyed him, but at twenty-eight she knew she had never been in love. Something always held her back. The fear of loss. This way she had nothing to lose if he ever left her, except great sex. She would have missed him, but she never wanted to experience the wrenching agony of real loss again, and she did everything to avoid it. She called the kind of relationship she wanted “intimacy without pain,” but her therapist said that there was no such thing. Not real intimacy, or love. There is no love without risk, she had said, which was precisely why Liz had never loved any man. She was committed but never owned. And when it no longer felt right, or got too close, she moved on. Her aloofness was a challenge to most men, and to Jean-Louis. They wanted to possess her and to make her fall in love. She never did. Or not yet. She wondered if one day she would, or if that part of her had died when her parents’ plane went down when she was twelve, the part of her that was willing to be vulnerable and take risk.

“I’m crazy for you, Liz,” Jean-Louis said, as they started to make love again in the candlelight in his loft.

“Me too,” she said softly, her blond hair falling like a curtain across her face, with one enormous blue eye peeking through at him. She was happy he hadn’t said he loved her. It was a step she didn’t want to take. He wasn’t in love with her either, he was in like and lust with her, which was all she wanted from him. She put her lips on his then, and they kissed. They fell asleep in each other’s arms afterward, on the couch, as the candles flickered and gently went out, as Liz lay against Jean-Louis and sighed peacefully in her sleep.

Ted’s Monday after the Thanksgiving weekend was not a happy one. It was one of those days when everything went wrong. The water had been turned off in his building for an emergency repair, so he couldn’t take a shower when he got up. His roommates had finished the coffee and not replaced it. He missed two buses and then a subway, when he tried that to get to school, and was late to class. And when the assistant professor handed back their papers on a quiz from the week before, he had gotten several answers wrong and got a miserable grade. The guy sitting next to him had BO, and by the time class was over, he was in a rotten mood, from the lousy grade on the quiz he had actually studied for, and the unpleasant seat.

He was leaving the class with a glum expression, when the teacher signaled him. The professor who normally taught the class was on sabbatical, writing a book, and she had taken over his duties for a year. Her name was Pattie Sears. She was an attractive woman with long curly hair who wore jeans and Birkenstocks with socks and T-shirts that showed off her breasts. He had noticed it when he was bored in class. She looked to be in her early thirties and was sexy in a wholesome, natural way.

“I’m sorry about the grade on the quiz,” she said sympathetically. “Contracts are a bitch.” Ted smiled at what she said. “I flunked them the first time I took the class myself. Some of the rules just don’t make sense.”

“I guess not. I studied for it. I have to read those chapters again,” Ted said diligently. Throughout his entire school and college career, he had always had good grades. And other than the recent quiz, he was doing well. He was in his second year at NYU Law School.

“Would you like some help? Sometimes if you prepare it with someone to give you some guidance, it helps. I don’t mind.” She had warned them of a quiz the following week, and he didn’t want another bad grade.

“I don’t want to bother you,” he said, looking embarrassed. She had put on a heavy jacket and a woolen hat. There was something homespun and friendly about her. He could easily imagine her chopping wood and building a fire in Vermont, or making soup from scratch. “I’ll read the chapters, and if I feel like I’m not getting it, I’ll ask you after the next class.”

“Why don’t you come by tonight?” she said, and her eyes were warm and kind. Ted hesitated, and now he felt even ruder turning her down. She was offering her help, and he didn’t want her to feel that he didn’t appreciate the gesture, but it seemed strange to go to her house. They had never spoken to each other outside of class. “My kids are asleep by eight. Why don’t you come by at nine? We can knock out the prep for the quiz in an hour. I’ll give you some pointers about contracts, and show you some things that are key.”

“All right,” he said hesitantly, not wanting to intrude on her private life. She had already jotted down her address on a piece of paper and handed it to him. He saw that she lived in the East Village, not far from the university, in a run-down neighborhood. “You’re sure you don’t mind?” he asked, feeling like a kid. She seemed so motherly to him, although she probably wasn’t that much older than he was. “I won’t stay long.”

“Don’t be silly. Once the kids are in bed, I’ll have plenty of time.” He nodded and thanked her again, and his day went better after that. He was relieved that she had offered to help him, he knew he needed it in this one class. He had another class afterward, then went to the library to do some studying, and stopped to eat dinner in a diner, before his appointment at the assistant professor’s house at nine. He arrived at her building five minutes early, and it was freezing outside so he went in. The building smelled of urine and cabbage and cats, and he rang the bell and took the stairs to the third floor two at a time. Seeing the building made him realize how little money she must make at her job, and he wondered if he should be offering her some kind of tutoring fee for helping him, but he didn’t want to insult her. He rang the doorbell, and he could hear children laughing inside. Apparently they hadn’t gone to bed on time, and Pattie looked flustered when she opened the door to him. She was wearing a pink V-neck sweater, jeans, and bare feet, and her long curly blond hair made her look younger than she was. And the little girl standing just behind her looked like a miniature of her, with ringlets and big blue eyes.

“This is Jessica,” Pattie said formally as she smiled at him. “And she doesn’t want to go to bed. She had cupcakes after dinner, and she’s on a sugar high.” She was seven and the cutest kid Ted had ever seen, and as he talked to her for a few minutes, her brother Justin whizzed past them, “faster than the speed of sound,” he said as he flew by. He had on a Superman cape over his pajamas, and Jessica was wearing a pink flannel nightgown that looked well worn.

“It’s my favorite,” the little girl explained, and then followed her mother and Ted into the living room, where Justin flew over the couch and landed on the floor with a loud thud.

“Okay, you two, that’s it. Ted and I have to do some studying, and I don’t care how many cupcakes you had, it’s time to go to bed.” It was already an hour past their bedtime, and the living room looked a shambles, with toys all over the place. The apartment was small. There were two bedrooms, the living room, and a kitchen, and Pattie said it was rent-controlled. The university housing office had found it for her, and she was grateful to have it. She said the babysitter she used lived downstairs, and since the divorce it was a perfect arrangement. She promised to return in five minutes after she put the kids to bed. And in the end it took half an hour, while Ted read his contracts book and made a list of questions for her.

By the time he finished his list, Pattie had reappeared. Her hair fell around her face in soft curls, and her cheeks were flushed from playing with the kids. “Sometimes they just don’t want to go to bed,” she explained. “They were with their father for Thanksgiving. We have joint custody, and there are no rules at his house, so when they get back here, it’s always a little nuts. By the time they calm down and shape up and get sane again, they go back to him. Divorce is tough on kids,” she said, as she sat down next to Ted and looked at his list. The questions were intelligent and made sense, and she had a clear answer for all of them. She showed him examples and flipped through the book to point out what he needed to study and learn by rote. She clarified some important points for him and an hour later Ted sat back on the couch, looking immensely relieved.

“You make it seem so simple,” he said with admiration. She was a good teacher, and he liked her style. She was an easy, warm person, a bright woman, and obviously a good mother from what he had seen. She was like Mother Earth as she tucked her feet under her, and smiled at him. She had a lush body and seemed limber and graceful and explained to him that she had done yoga for years. She taught it privately sometimes and said that she did everything she had to to make ends meet. Her ex-husband was an artist and couldn’t even pay child support. She was carrying it all herself. Ted admired her for her openness and courage. She didn’t say anything nasty about her ex-husband, and she seemed to accept her life as it was, and it had been kind of her to help him. He felt like he should pay her something for the tutoring help but didn’t know what, and he didn’t want to insult her.

He was about to get up to leave, so as not to impose on her further, when she offered him a glass of wine. He hesitated for a moment, not sure what he should do. She somehow made him feel boyish and inept, and next to her he felt awkward. And so as not to offend her, he accepted the glass of wine. She poured him some inexpensive Spanish red wine and poured another glass for herself.

“It’s pretty good for cheap wine,” she commented, and he nodded. It was good, and it was pleasant sitting there with her. He stretched his long legs out under the coffee table, and she brushed against him as she set down her glass on the table and turned to smile at him. “You’re young to be in law school,” she said warmly. “Did you come right in after college?” They both knew that that was rare—most law students worked for a few years before entering law school.

“I’m not that young. I’m twenty-four. I worked as a paralegal for two years. I had a great time and it convinced me I wanted to go to law school.”

“I clerked for a family law judge during law school. It convinced me I wanted to teach. I’d never want that kind of responsibility, screwing up people’s lives and making decisions for them.”

“I’d like to be a federal prosecutor when I grow up,” Ted said, half teasing, and half serious.

“That’s pretty tough stuff. I’m thirty-six, and all I want to be when I grow up is happy and able to stop worrying about how to pay my rent. That would be great,” she said, and took another sip of wine. Their eyes met over the glass, and there was something smoldering in hers. He didn’t know what it was, but it was mesmerizing, as though she had the secret of the ages in her possession and wanted to share it with him. As he looked at her, the difference in their ages disappeared like mist.

They didn’t say anything for a long moment and Ted was about to thank her again for her help with the contracts class, when without a word she leaned toward him, put an arm around his neck, and pulled him close to her. She kissed him then, and as she did, he felt as though his lips and soul and loins were on fire. He had never felt anything like it before. He started to pull away and then found he couldn’t stop. It was as though he had been drugged. She was the drug, and he wanted more. When they finally drifted away from each other, all he wanted was to go back, and he slipped a hand under her sweater and touched her breasts. She didn’t seem to mind at all, and her hand was resting lightly on his crotch, which bulged at her touch. He felt as though he had suddenly gone insane. Pattie was smiling at him, as she pressed closer to him and kissed him again.

“What about your kids?” he asked as he reached hungrily into her jeans and devoured her mouth. Worrying about her children was the last sane thought he had.

“They’re asleep,” she whispered, and he was aware of silence from the second bedroom. They had finally worn themselves out. But Pattie and Ted had come alive, as though they were being held together by an electric current that was drawing them to each other. He couldn’t keep his hands off her, and she unzipped his pants and was cradling him in her hands. “Let’s go to bed,” she whispered, and without hesitating, he followed her to her bedroom. It was the only place he wanted to be, as Pattie locked the door and literally tore his clothes off him, as he peeled off hers. All he wanted now was to be inside her, and he couldn’t get there fast enough as they fell onto her bed, and she teased and taunted him unbearably until she let him get there, and then suddenly she turned around and swallowed him whole, letting him pleasure her, and then she turned again and took him into her, and Ted felt as though he had been sucked into another world and turned inside out. He had never known sex like that in his life. He was dizzy and light-headed when they finished and lay panting on the floor, where they had wound up.

“Oh my God … ,” Ted said. He had been so excited that he almost felt sick, and all he wanted was more. She was a drug. “What happened?” He sounded as dazed as he felt as he squinted at her in the dark, and they climbed back into her bed. His long athletic body was glistening with sweat, and so was hers. Hers was full and lush, and every inch of her was like a heady, warm embrace, like some kind of magic elixir that he could no longer live without.

“I think they call that love,” Pattie said softly in the dark. They had tried not to make too much noise so as not to wake her kids, and they were whispering now. He wasn’t sure he agreed with her word choice. He didn’t know her well enough to love her, he didn’t know her at all, but it was the wildest sex he could ever have imagined and an experience he knew he would never forget.

“I’m not sure that’s love,” he said honestly, “but it’s the best sex I’ve ever had.” He ran a hand down her stomach and between her legs and touched the place that had just welcomed him so warmly and given him so much joy.

“Is that all it was for you? Just sex?” She sounded disappointed, and he laughed softly in the dark.

“It was some kind of world-class explosion,” he tried to describe it. “The Hiroshima of lovemaking, or Mount Vesuvius or something.” It had never happened to him like that before. He could only imagine that it must be how people felt on psychedelic drugs, which he had never tried.

“I’ve wanted you since the first time you walked into my class,” Pattie whispered, and as he saw her in the moonlight streaming through her bedroom window, she suddenly looked like a little girl, with masses of soft curly blond hair and huge eyes. She looked innocent and sweet, not like the femme fatale who had taken him to the heights of seduction only moments before. She seemed to have many faces and facets, which only helped intrigue him more. He was surprised to hear that she had noticed him in class.

“I didn’t think you even knew who I was.” There were two hundred students in the class, and Ted was always low key and often sat in the rear.

“I knew exactly who you were,” she said as she kissed his neck and pinched his nipple at the same time. It aroused him faster than he thought. The little girl was morphing into the sex goddess again, and moments later they were rolling on the bed, and he tried every position that Pattie directed him to try until he could stand it no longer and they exploded violently at the same time. Afterward he could hardly speak.

“Pattie … what is this?” he said weakly. “What are you doing to me? I think you have me under your spell.”

“I told you … ” Her laughter was a tinkling sound like tiny bells. “This is love … ”

“I think it may kill me if we don’t stop for a while.” But she was relentless, she aroused him and teased and tormented him and satisfied him again and again. They didn’t stop till dawn, until he finally fell asleep with his head resting on her breast, and she gently caressed his hair, as she would have a child. She tucked the covers around him and gently kissed the top of his head. It was the most incredible night he had ever spent.

Chapter 5

When Ted awoke the next day at noon, Pattie had already left. There was a pot of coffee for him, some bagels, and a note, “See you in class. I love you, P.” He realized with dismay that he had missed two early classes that morning, and when he staggered to the kitchen, he could hardly walk. He had no idea what had happened to him the night before. She had bewitched him. She had the effect of a sorceress on him. She looked and seemed so motherly and wholesome, and with one kiss she turned into a tigress, and after that a child. He told himself that it couldn’t happen again. It was too trite to be sleeping with his professor, and yet as he drank the coffee, all he could think of were their acrobatics of the night before, and he was aroused just thinking about her. He felt temporarily insane.

He took a shower then and got dressed, smoothed out the covers on the bed, grabbed his coat, and ran down the stairs of her foul-smelling building. He didn’t even care. He was almost late to her class and was the last person in as he hurried to his seat, and he found himself staring at her during the lecture, remembering the night before. She was wearing the same pink sweater she had worn the previous night, and she turned several times to look at him, with a glance that flicked over him and ripped right through his soul. He had an erection all through her class and waited for it to calm down before he got up to leave. When class ended, she walked over to him with a smile and looked down at him. He could feel everything tighten when she spoke. They were the only ones left in the classroom, and for a crazy moment he wanted to make love to her right there. She took his hand and pressed it between the legs of her jeans. He grabbed her and looked at her with utter amazement. Overnight she had turned him into someone he didn’t even know. He was a stranger to himself as much as he was to her.

“You must be a witch,” he whispered as he looked up at her, and she shook her head.

“No, I’m just yours. You own me now, Ted.” She said it so simply that it would have touched him if the words weren’t so odd. Suddenly everything around him was new.

“I don’t want to own anyone,” he said honestly, trying to keep a grip on sanity before he lost it again with her. “I just want to be with you again.” He felt like a kid with her, until he entered her and turned into a man he had never even dreamed he could be. This was a part of life that went way, way beyond the ordinary experiences he had had till then. He had broken up with a girlfriend six months before, because he didn’t want to get serious with her. Now this was a whole new world, with a woman who was much, much more experienced than he. It was a heady feeling, as she leaned over and gently rubbed the bulge in his jeans and pulled him to his feet. He stood with his arms around her, clinging to her, like a child lost in a storm.

“I love you, Ted.” She said it so fiercely that it unnerved him, and he was almost beginning to wonder if this was what love was. Maybe she really knew.

“Don’t say that. You don’t know me yet. Let’s get to know each other and find out what this is.” He tried to reason with her, but nothing that was happening made sense.

“This is love,” she whispered in his ear, and he was willing to believe her if it would get him to her bed again. “Let’s go home,” she said as they walked out of the room.

“What about your kids?” He was worried about them. He didn’t want them to become aware of what he was doing with their mother, and it unnerved him knowing they were there. He had forgotten it eventually the night before, but he didn’t want to do that again. It didn’t seem right to him.

“They’re with their dad tonight,” Pattie said with a girlish grin, and Ted looked at her and smiled. “He picked them up at school. They’ll be with him for two days.” It was good news to both of them, and she and Ted walked home to her place at an ever-quickening pace and raced up the stairs to her apartment. He was already slamming her against the door as she unlocked it, then kicked it closed, and they both flew into the living room and fell on each other on the couch. The night they spent together was even wilder than the one before. And the next day, neither of them went to school. They both called in sick and made love night and day. Pattie commented that you had to be Ted’s age to make love as often as that, but she was there with him every time. As their bodies writhed and joined and blended together, neither of them thought or cared about their age. All Ted wanted now was her.

When Pattie’s children came back from their father’s, Ted went to his apartment for the first time in three days. The nights he had just spent with her felt like a tidal wave, and he had been washed up on the shore. He looked like he’d been on a three-week drunk when he finally got home. He was grateful that none of his roommates were in. He hadn’t been to school in three days. Pattie had promised to give him an A in her class no matter what he did, but that didn’t feel right to him. He had to get back to school. She had finally gone back to work that afternoon.

She called him an hour after he got home. He was lying with his eyes closed on his bed.

“I can’t stand it. I have to see you.” Pattie’s voice sounded ragged on the phone, and he smiled, thinking of her.

“We may have to go everywhere like Siamese twins.” The day before he had actually carried her to her kitchen, still deeply plunged into her. He fed her grapes and strawberries, sat her on the kitchen counter, and finished it there. There was nothing they hadn’t tried in the past three days. Thanks to Pattie, his sexual education was now complete, or maybe it was just beginning.

“Can I come over?” She sounded desperate.

“Where are the kids?” He always worried about them. He didn’t want them to be upset in any way because of his wild affair with her.

“I can leave them with Mrs. Pacheco downstairs for a couple of hours. What are you doing?”

“Lying on my bed. My roommates should be home soon, but you can come over if you want.” He had his own room, although the walls were paper thin. It didn’t even occur to him that they might be startled by her age. He had stopped thinking about the difference in their ages the first night. Sex had leveled the playing field between them.

She was there half an hour later, after dropping the kids off and taking a cab to his place. She got there before his roommates, and they made love frantically for two hours before she had to leave. They had never left his bed or his room. They hardly talked to each other, except when they were too exhausted to make love again, but Pattie said they were kindred spirits, and he believed her. What other explanation could there be for this? He could think of no other.

“See you tomorrow,” she said dreamily as she left, and he kissed her. He was so exhausted that five minutes later he was sound asleep, and he never got to all the studying he had to do and had promised himself he would do that night. He’d have to make up for it the next day. He had so much catching up to do now.

Ted caught up on some of his work for the next two days, and they were both miserable. But she had papers to correct too. She wanted to come over for a couple of hours, and he wouldn’t let her. He knew they wouldn’t be able to tear themselves away again, and he had to study for final exams in a couple of weeks. He had promised to take her to dinner at the Waverly Inn on Friday, and they were both looking forward to it. He wanted to spend a normal evening with her, talk to her across a dinner table and get to know her, not just have wild abandoned sex wherever they could on every surface in her apartment. He wanted to have a relationship with her and try to figure out what this was. Was it just an animal attraction they couldn’t control, or was it what Pattie kept saying, that it was love? Ted wanted to find out, and he wanted to take her to dinner and act like a civilized adult with her, not just a sex maniac on a rampage. Pattie was touched that he wanted to take her out, and the kids were back at their father’s for the weekend. With their joint custody arrangement, the children went back and forth every couple of days, which gave Ted and Pattie time to be together, and a little breather in between.

Their dinner at the Waverly Inn started out perfectly, with a nice table and a good dinner. Ted ordered wine for them. He was showing off a little and wanted to demonstrate how sophisticated he was, but Pattie didn’t care. She never took her eyes off him all evening, and they were both aching to go home long before dessert.

“Maybe we’re just not ready to go out yet,” Ted said, as they hurried home. The idea had been good, but practically they couldn’t keep their clothes on, stay out of bed, and keep their bodies away from each other long enough to have a decent meal or get to know each other. Ted locked the front door behind them, and they never made it a step farther. He spun her around, gently laid her down on the carpet, and shoved her skirt up. She was begging for him as he took her right there, and then carried her to the bedroom with their clothes strewn across the floor. They didn’t leave the apartment again after that for two days, until her kids came home. Ted left five minutes before Pattie’s ex-husband dropped them off, and he went back to his own apartment, exhausted and happy and missing her.

Annie called Ted several times over the weekend, but his phone always went to voice mail. She finally called Liz and Kate, who was out with friends.

“Have you heard from your brother?” she asked them both the same question. He usually checked in with her every few days, and this week he hadn’t, and she thought it was strange. “I hope he’s okay.” Maybe he was sick. But he was never too busy to call her, and she hadn’t heard a word from him since the Sunday after Thanksgiving when he’d left. Kate said he hadn’t called her, and Liz said the same and that she’d had a busy week herself. They all had, and things were going to be even busier before Christmas and over the holidays.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Liz reassured her. “He’s probably just busy with school. He was complaining about it the other day. Law school is really tough.”

“Maybe he has a new girlfriend,” Annie suggested, sounding pensive, and Lizzie laughed.

“I don’t think so. After he broke up with Meg, he’s been pretty careful not to get too involved with anyone. I think it’s just school.”

“I guess you’re right.” The two women chatted for a few minutes, and Liz said that Jean-Louis was going back to Paris over the weekend. She was flying over to meet him the day after Christmas, spend a week with him, and then she had to work. She was trying to get him assigned to her shoot. It would be fun working with him if she could. “Is this getting serious?” Annie asked, and Liz just laughed at her.

“I don’t know what you’d call it. Neither of us goes out with anyone else, so it’s exclusive, but we’re not making plans for the future or anything. We’re too young for that.” Annie wasn’t so sure. Some women were ready to settle down at twenty-eight. Others weren’t. Lizzie wasn’t. And Jean-Louis didn’t seem to want to settle down either. They were having too much fun in their own lives. And Jean-Louis had apparently not felt too young to have a son, since he had a five-year-old at twenty-nine. It made Annie nervous to realize that he had been Ted’s age when he had a child. She couldn’t even imagine it. Ted still seemed like a kid to her. And so did Kate at twenty-one. And Annie couldn’t see Liz with Jean-Louis long term. He just didn’t seem like the right man to her. He was no better or worse than the others Lizzie had gone out with. She always went out with someone who, like her, wanted no commitment. Annie had other dreams for her, like a serious man who would take care of her. And Annie couldn’t imagine Jean-Louis as anyone’s father, nor as the husband Lizzie deserved. And at twenty-eight it wasn’t unreasonable to be thinking about her future. Annie didn’t want her to end up alone like her. It worked for her, but she wanted something more for Liz. Jean-Louis wasn’t it. Ted and Kate were far too young to worry about long-term partners yet. They were still just kids, and still in school, but Liz was an adult.

Annie finally reached Ted on Sunday night, when he got back to his apartment, and she was relieved to hear him, although he sounded a little sick.

“Are you okay? Do you have a cold?”

“I’m fine.” He smiled at her concern. He couldn’t help wondering how she would react to Pattie, but he wasn’t ready to share the news of her arrival in his life yet, so he kept it to himself. “I’m just tired. I’ve been working really hard all week.” He certainly had, but not in the way Annie thought.

“At least you’ll get a nice break over Christmas,” Annie said kindly, which reminded Ted that he had talked to Pattie that week about going skiing with him after Christmas. She had said she’d have to check with her ex-husband about his taking the kids, and Ted was looking forward to taking a trip with her, if they could stay out of bed long enough to get on skis.

Annie reminded Ted to come home for dinner anytime he wanted and suggested it for the following weekend, but he was vague. She didn’t know why, but Annie had the distinct impression that there was something he wasn’t telling her, and suddenly she wondered again about a new girl in his life. Annie smiled at the idea and wondered if it was someone at law school with him.

Ted knew only too well, when he thought about it later, that not in a million years would Annie suspect that he was involved with a thirty-six-year-old assistant law professor with two kids. And he knew for sure that he wouldn’t be able to tell her for a long time. First he had to get used to the idea himself.

Chapter 6

The days before Christmas were, as always, utterly insane. Annie had five job sites under construction at once, two with completion dates just after the new year. She visited all five of them every day. It snowed twice the week before Christmas, which made it nearly impossible to get around. She had Christmas shopping to do for her nieces and nephew, her assistants, and Whitney and her brood. Two new clients insisted on meetings, and she had to come up with a set of preliminary plans for one of them. It was predictable preholiday chaos, and she was always worried she wouldn’t get everything done. And to complicate matters further, her favorite clients, the Ebersohls, had announced that they had decided to get divorced and were planning to sell the new house. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, since remodeling or building a house brought out the worst in everyone. It was a painful process, and a perfect setting for endless arguments. Alicia Ebersohl had called her in tears to tell her that Harry was filing for divorce. The house on Sixty-ninth Street was completely torn up, which would make it difficult to sell. Annie was disappointed to hear it, but much more so for them.

And Liz was almost as busy at the magazine. By Christmas, she was finishing up her work for the March issue and already starting on April. She was trying to get everything done before she left for Paris. And she was missing Jean-Louis. He had been especially sweet since his recent trip to New York and was calling her several times a day. He said he could hardly wait for her to come, and she was excited about it too. After spending Christmas with the family, Liz was planning to leave the next day. And Jean-Louis promised that he and his son would be waiting for her. She was bringing the boy a beautiful antique train that had been modernized to run on batteries. And a very handsome watch for Jean-Louis.

Ted spent every moment he could with Pattie before the holidays. The ski trip they’d been planning fell through, since her ex-husband was going away himself and wouldn’t take the kids, so they were going to be stuck in New York. Ted was planning to spend time with them, but he had strong feelings about the propriety of staying at her apartment when her children were there, and Pattie agreed, although it was a sacrifice for them.

Ted had final exams and got passing grades, although they were noticably lower than usual. And he was embarrassed when he discovered that Pattie had given him an A in her class that he felt he didn’t deserve.

“Is that because I earned it,” he asked her honestly, “or because we’re having an affair?”

“We’re not having an affair,” she answered quietly. “I’m in love with you. But yes, you deserved the grade too.”

“I’m not sure if I believe that,” but he would never know. And Pattie was always adamant about correcting him when he talked about their “affair” or their sexual relationship by saying that they were in love. Ted had not yet said the words, and he knew that when he did, the woman he said them to would be in his life forever. Until then, in his mind, they were having an affair. Lately Pattie cried whenever he said that to her, and she looked deeply wounded by his words. He didn’t want to mislead her, and he wasn’t sure if he was in lust or in love.

He had hardly talked to Annie and his sisters since Thanksgiving. He just didn’t have the time, and he was always with Pattie now, whenever he wasn’t asleep or in school. She wanted to know when she was going to meet his family, and Ted had told her gently but firmly that it was too soon. He knew that he cared about Pattie, but he hadn’t figured out yet what was happening between them. And he knew without a doubt that his aunt and sisters would be extremely shaken up by her age and the fact that she had kids. Ted wasn’t ready to face the hurdle of their opinions yet. And Pattie was hurt by that too. She said she didn’t want to be the secret in his life, and she reminded him just before Christmas that that wasn’t fair to her. She wanted to be front and center in his life, not hidden in a closet. She said she was better than that, and she was extremely upset that he had told her he wouldn’t be able to see her on Christmas. He was going to be at home with Annie and his sisters, and there was no way he could invite Pattie to come by with her kids. Annie would have had a fit, and he wasn’t willing to deal with that yet. Annie had no idea she existed, let alone that she was an older woman with two kids.

“So what am I supposed to do?” Pattie asked him plaintively when he stopped by on Christmas Eve. She had been crying for the past hour about him leaving her. “What do you expect me to do? Just sit here alone with my kids?”

“What would you normally do, if we hadn’t met? What did you do last year?”

“Hank had the kids, and I cried myself to sleep.” Ted looked upset, but there was no way he could spend Christmas with her. And at least her ex wasn’t taking the kids this year, so Ted knew she wouldn’t be alone.

“I’ll try to come over the day after Christmas, or Christmas night.”

“And what about later tonight?” Pattie asked, dabbing at her eyes.

“I can’t. I told you, we have dinner at home and go to midnight mass.”

“How touching, and how un-Christian to leave the woman you love sitting at home alone.”

“You’ll be with Jessica and Justin,” he said gently. “And I can’t do anything about it. My aunt wouldn’t understand if I went out tonight. It’s our tradition.” She made him feel like Scrooge.

“You sound like you’re twelve years old,” Pattie complained, and then she looked disappointed when he gave her a beautiful white cashmere sweater that had cost him a fortune. She didn’t say it to him in words, but the message came across clearly that she had hoped for something like a ring, a promise ring of some kind. She had been talking about it for days, giving him strong hints, but Ted felt it was too soon. They had only been dating for four weeks, and as much in love as Pattie said they were, it still seemed very new to Ted. There was plenty of time for a ring of some kind later. He was not thirty-six years old like her, he was only twenty-four, and this was only the second serious relationship he’d ever had.

The compromise they finally came to was that he would try to drop by for a while on Christmas night, but he had already warned her that he couldn’t spend the night, whether her kids were there or not. Pattie had been talking about paying Mrs. Pacheco to have them sleep in her apartment if he came by, but he said he would have to go back to Annie’s after a few hours. She would be suspicious of what he was up to if he didn’t.

“Maybe it’s time for you to grow up,” Pattie said unkindly. “You fuck like a man, maybe you should act like one too.” He was hurt by what she said, and she was looking petulant when he kissed her goodbye and left. She said she’d give him his present when he came back on Christmas night. And there was an edge to her voice as she said it. He took a cab to Annie’s, and Kate was already at the apartment when he got there. When she saw him walk in, she looked intently at her brother.

“Wow, what are you so pissed about? You don’t exactly look like the spirit of Christmas. What did you get Annie?”

“A cashmere shawl, and a personalized hard hat. It’s really cute, I think she’ll like it.” He hadn’t answered his sister’s question about why he was angry. He had been upset about Pattie and what she had said when he left her, because he couldn’t spend Christmas Eve with her. She refused to understand that he just couldn’t, and he hated to leave her on a sour note, but she had still been pouting and gave him the cold shoulder when he left. It had seriously upset him, particularly when she’d told him to act like a man. “I’m not pissed, by the way. I just had an argument with one of my roommates before I came here. He’s an asshole.”

Kate didn’t say anything to him, but she had the odd feeling something else was bothering him. “Annie will love the hard hat, and the shawl sounds cool too.” She smiled lovingly at her brother.

“What did you get her?” For a minute it felt like being kids again, while they wrapped their gifts for her together.

“I didn’t get her anything,” Kate said with a serious expression.

“You didn’t?” Ted looked stunned. That wasn’t like her. Kate was always generous with them all, despite a limited allowance. But she was always very creative about how she spent it.

“I made her something,” she said, and Ted smiled, thinking back to the old days, when he had made Annie a table in wood shop, and Lizzie had knit Annie a sweater with gigantically long arms. And Annie had worn it on Christmas Day. She had worn their macaroni necklaces too, and everything they gave her.

Kate went to get her portfolio then and carefully took out three large panels with watercolor paintings on them. She turned them around one by one, and Ted caught his breath in amazement. Sometimes he actually forgot how talented his younger sister was, just like their mother. She had done exquisite portraits of each of them to give Annie, and the likenesses were absolutely perfect, even the self-portrait she had done.

“They’re gorgeous, Kate,” Ted said, studying them at close range. They were flawless, but they also had all the softness of paintings, and didn’t look like they’d been done from photographs. She had done them from memory, and each one was a painting he knew their aunt would treasure. “They’re really fantastic!”

“I hope she likes them,” Katie said modestly, and then put them carefully back in the portfolio. She was going to wrap them that night and offer to frame them afterward for Annie. “So what have you been up to?” Katie asked him casually after she put away the paintings and they both collapsed on the couch. Annie had put up a Christmas tree for them, with all the favorite decorations they loved. She had spent a whole day and night doing it the previous weekend.

“Nothing much. Just papers and exams,” he said, and as Kate looked at him, she knew that he was lying. Something was up, and he wasn’t telling. Her woman’s intuition told her it was a woman. She couldn’t wait to tell Liz and Annie. And they had already all agreed that he had hardly called any of them since Thanksgiving.

“What about you?” Ted asked, trying to get the attention off himself. “New pierces, new tattoos, new men?”

“Maybe,” Katie said cryptically. She had her own secrets too.

“Oh?” He looked intrigued. “Which one?”

“Maybe all three,” she said, and then laughed as Ted flipped on the TV. They were watching Miracle on 34th Street when Annie got home, carrying her briefcase and two bags of groceries of things she had forgotten to order that morning. They always had a simple dinner on Christmas Eve, and she prepared a turkey on Christmas Day, just as she did on Thanksgiving. She had tried to make goose one year and it was awful, so they stuck with turkey.

Ted got up and took the two bags into the kitchen for her, and Katie went to kiss her aunt hello. Annie looked exhausted and breathless. She had been at one of her construction sites an hour before, to resolve a problem between the contractor and her clients. She still had the plans in a roll under her arm and tossed them on her desk before taking off her coat.

“Merry Christmas, everyone!” Annie called out to them both, took off her coat, and turned on some Christmas music. Katie complimented her on the tree, and Ted poured them each a glass of eggnog, which was another family tradition. Annie usually added a drop of bourbon to hers, but Kate and Ted liked it plain, just the way they had drunk it as kids. They were all talking animatedly when Liz walked in, carrying three shopping bags full of presents. She always bought the most extravagant gifts of all, and they loved them. Liz was in high spirits as they all wished each other a merry Christmas, and after admiring the tree, and singing to the music, they all cooked dinner together. It was a perfect Christmas Eve. Liz had promised to stay there until she left for Paris, and Annie loved having them all home.

They sat chatting at the kitchen table until nearly eleven, then got ready to leave for midnight mass. Kate noticed Ted making a call as she walked past his open bedroom door. And she heard him leave someone a message. He sounded upset and looked worried when he joined the others in the front hall. She had made a call herself when she went to get her coat, but it had been friendly and short, and she’d promised to call the next morning. Tonight was a family time that was important to all of them.

They took a cab to St. Patrick’s, where they went to midnight mass every year. Only Annie took communion, and as she did every year, they watched her light candles for Bill and Jane. She knelt at one of the smaller altars after she did it, bowed her head, and prayed, and there were tears running down her cheeks when she stood up. It always brought tears to Kate’s eyes to watch her. She had never asked, but she knew who the candles were for. Her parents weren’t forgotten, and Annie had been wonderful to their children ever since they’d been gone. Ted gave Annie a hug as she slipped back into the pew, and Kate gently held her hand. Liz was looking strikingly chic as usual, in a huge white fox hat and an elegant black coat with tall black leather boots. She reminded Annie so much of Jane at the same age. She was more stylish than her mother had been, but her face was almost the same. It made Annie’s heart ache sometimes to see it. She still missed her.

They sang “Silent Night” at the end of the mass, and afterward they walked out onto Fifth Avenue and took a cab home. Annie made them hot chocolate with marshmallows, and then finally everyone went to bed. And after they did, Annie filled their stockings with little thoughtful presents and wrote them funny notes from Santa, reminding each of them to clean their rooms and wash behind their ears, and on Kate’s Santa letter she added a note that she would find coal in her stocking next year if she got any more tattoos. And then Annie went to sleep in the peaceful apartment, grateful that all the people she loved most in the world were home and sound asleep in their rooms. It was her favorite night of the year. It didn’t get better than this.

Chapter 7

On Christmas morning Annie got up early to put the turkey in the oven, and she called her friend Whitney, as she had for so many years. They wished each other a merry Christmas, chatted for a few minutes, and Whitney reminded her again to come on New Year’s Eve, but Annie still insisted that she didn’t want to go to New Jersey if one of the kids would be home alone. She never minded staying home on New Year’s Eve, it had never been a night that meant much to her, and she hated to be around people getting drunk, with no one to kiss at midnight, which made her feel more alone than staying home.

“I’ll see,” Annie promised Whitney. “I have to see what the kids are up to. Lizzie is going to Paris tomorrow, but the other two will be here. And as far as I know, neither of them has any plans.”

“Well, come if you can,” Whitney said warmly. “We’d love to have you … and have a merry Christmas, Annie. Give my love to the kids.”

“And mine to Fred and the boys.”

Annie lit the Christmas tree then, so it would be festive and bright when the others got up. A little while later Kate emerged from her bedroom, looking sleepy, in a rock star T-shirt, and her spiky hair sticking up straight. Annie noticed then that she was wearing a tiny diamond in her nose, which was new. She didn’t say anything to Kate about it, but she would never get used to her pierces and tattoos.

“Santa left me a cool note,” Kate commented then with a yawn as she smiled at her aunt.

“Really? What does it say?” Annie feigned innocence, as she always did, and particularly had when they still believed in Santa Claus. She had gone to great lengths to preserve the myth for them. She had wanted them to have all the joy and magic in their lives that they deserved.

“Santa said he loves my new Tinkerbell tattoo, and he just got one himself. He got a huge tattoo of Rudolph on his ass. He promised to leave me a picture of it next year.” Katie grinned.

“That is not what the note from Santa says!” Annie said with a disapproving look. “I read the note myself when I got up!”

“Yes, it is!” Katie insisted, and ran to get the note. She had written one herself with a funny drawing on it, of Santa with the Rudolph tattoo on his bare behind. Annie burst out laughing when Kate handed it to her, and then taped it up on the fireplace, just as Liz wandered out in a man’s pajama top that looked sexy with her beautiful long legs. Annie was wearing an old flannel nightgown and a pink cashmere robe. And Ted emerged a few minutes later wearing boxer shorts and a T-shirt. Comfort was the order of the day on Christmas morning, not elegance. And a few minutes later they all exchanged gifts in front of the brightly lit tree.

Kate’s paintings of the three of them were a huge hit, and for her brother and sister she had done a portrait of Annie. She had done portraits of her parents too, from photographs, but she had left them tacked on the wall in her dorm room. She hadn’t wanted to upset anyone by bringing them home. Annie loved the three beautiful portraits of the children, and Katie promised to have them framed for her. Annie said she was going to take down a painting and put them up in the living room. There were tears in her eyes as she hugged Kate. And Ted and Liz loved the portrait of Annie.

Ted’s gifts to everyone were a big hit too, and Annie put her personalized hard hat on immediately. Liz had given Annie and Kate beautiful gold cuff bracelets, and an elegant Cartier watch for Ted, with a sporty rubber diver’s band.

And afterward they all had breakfast in the kitchen. Liz had half a grapefruit as usual and was thinner than ever. Katie had granola, and Ted made eggs sunny side up for Annie and himself. The smell of bacon was delicious, and the turkey in the oven was turning golden brown. It occurred to Annie as she watched them talking and laughing with each other that they had a life of fragments of loaves and fishes. Somehow she had managed to bring up three children, not her own, with no idea of what she was doing, and they had turned out wonderfully, they all loved each other, and they enriched her life in ways she never would have dreamed. She felt very lucky as she put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and silently thanked her sister for the three terrific children she had inherited from her. They had filled her life with love and joy ever since.

Everyone went to their rooms for a while after breakfast. All of them had friends they wanted to call. Ted closed the door to his room while he called Pattie, and she finally picked up this time, although she still sounded very upset. He wished her a merry Christmas.

“You should be here with me and the kids,” she said mournfully, and a moment later she was in tears again.

“I have to be with my family today,” he explained again. She just didn’t seem to get it, or didn’t want to. There was no way he would have been anywhere but here today. And after only four weeks it wasn’t fair of Pattie to expect him to ditch his family for her. He was upset that she had made such a fuss about it, but he offered to come to see her late that afternoon. He had presents he wanted to give them. He promised to call Pattie as soon as he thought he could get away.

“Have a nice day,” she said, still sounding hurt and disappointed, and he didn’t apologize to her again. She had to understand that his family was important to him. “I love you, Ted,” Pattie said sadly. She sounded as though she had lost her best friend.

“I’ll see you later,” Ted responded. He still wasn’t ready to tell her that he loved her, and surely not as an apology for spending Christmas with his sisters and aunt. He was upset but not feeling guilty, and it bothered him that Pattie was so possessive of him.

Ted looked more relaxed when he came out of his room again. At least this time Pattie had talked to him.

“Love troubles?” Liz asked him with a raised eyebrow, and he shook his head, surprised that she had guessed and not anxious to open up to her.

“Why would you say that?” Ted commented to his older sister.

“You never close your door when you’re on the phone, unless you’re fighting with a girl. Someone new?” she asked with interest, and he shook his head.

“No, just someone I’ve gone out with a few times.” He could just imagine the look on her face if he told his older sister she was thirty-six years old and had two kids. “I might go see her this afternoon,” he volunteered, and Liz nodded. It didn’t sound unusual to her, and she had to go back to her place and pick up a few things for her trip too.

While they were talking, Annie had wandered into Katie’s room to thank her for the beautiful portraits again. She truly loved them. She noticed a book on Katie’s desk, about Muslim culture and customs. It wasn’t the sort of thing that Katie usually read. She had never been much of a reader, and her taste ran more to biographies of contemporary artists and rock stars. And she’d never had an interest in other religions before, or even her own.

“That looks interesting,” Annie said, picking it up. “Are you taking a class in Eastern religions? It might actually help us to understand some of the conflicts in the world today.”

“I borrowed it from a friend,” Katie said, and turned away. Annie went back to the living room to join the others then. They had all dressed nicely for lunch, and Ted was wearing a coat and tie as he always did for family events. She had always insisted that they dress properly for the holidays when they were children.

Liz was wearing a simple little black wool dress, although it barely reached her thighs. Annie was wearing her favorite red Christmas dress, and Katie appeared a moment later in a red leather skirt, Raggedy Ann stockings, red combat boots, a fuzzy white sweater, and Christmas balls hanging from her ears as earrings. She was definitely her own person, but she had just proved to all of them again what a talented artist she was. And Annie was impressed by the book she had seen in her room. She liked to see that Kate was interested in different things and cultures. Kate was a freethinker and never borrowed anyone’s ideas without checking them out for herself first. She was a totally independent individual. Annie had tried to open as many doors to them as she could. She had never wanted them to live in a narrow, limited world. And she loved the fact that each of them was so different. Of the three, Ted was the most traditional, and Katie the least. She thought that Jane and Bill would have been proud of them too.

The conversation was lively at their Christmas lunch table, and Annie poured them each champagne. They were all old enough to drink, and rarely did to excess, although Ted had had his occasional sophomoric moments during his first two years in college, but now they were all adults, and reasonable about how much they drank.

Liz said she was excited about going to Paris and spending time with Jean-Louis. The shoot she was doing in the first week of January was an important one and was being done by a famous French photographer, with important jewels from all over Europe. The Queen of England had even lent them a piece, which Lizzie was planning to put on the cover. She talked animatedly about it. Only Ted was a little quieter than usual, and Annie could sense that something was bothering him, but whatever it was, he didn’t want to share it with them.

He watched a little football after the meal, and then he stood up and said vaguely that he was going out for a while to see friends. He waited to see if anyone objected, and when they didn’t, he went to his room and picked up the wrapped gifts for Pattie’s kids. He had bought each of them a game. He wasn’t sure what kids liked at that age. He had already given Pattie her gift, in case he hadn’t been able to get out on Christmas Day.

He put on his coat and bent to kiss Annie while she chatted with Kate and Liz, and he looked very serious. He had left the gifts for Jessica and Justin at the front door, so as not to draw attention to them.

“I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” he promised, picked up his keys on the hall table, and the gifts for Pattie’s kids, and left.

“What’s eating him?” Liz asked the others, and Katie said she had no idea. He hadn’t said anything to her, although she had heard him arguing with someone on the phone in his room.

“Sounds like a girl to me,” Annie suggested calmly. “He’s being very quiet about it.”

“He always is,” Liz volunteered, and they all agreed that he seemed to be unusually so this time.

“If he keeps seeing her, she’ll show up eventually. Maybe she’s funny looking or weird or something,” Kate suggested.

“Yeah, like with a lot of pierces and tattoos,” Liz teased her, and they all laughed. Whatever Ted was up to, they all assumed correctly that he would tell them about it when he was ready to. For now it was a mystery, and he wanted it that way. And Annie respected them all too much to try and pry it out of him.

Ted ran up the stairs in Pattie’s building as fast as he could. He had promised her he’d try to be there by five, and it was nearly six. But he hadn’t been able to get away before that. He hadn’t wanted to run out on Annie and his sisters on Christmas. Their traditions were important to all of them, and to him too.

He rang the doorbell, and for a long moment she didn’t answer, and Ted was worried that she might not let him in. She had said she’d be there. He felt suddenly like a very young boy who was in trouble. It was an unfamiliar sensation to him. He had always been responsible and well behaved. Annie had very rarely been angry at him, and when she was, it was hot, clear, and direct. She gave a short blast, and it was over. She had never dragged it out, held a grudge, or been passive-aggressive with any of them. Pattie seemed to be punishing him for spending Christmas with his family. And then finally she opened the door to him with a pained look. It was obvious that she’d been crying, and she burst into tears and threw herself into his arms the moment he walked into the room. Ted was stunned.

“How could you leave me alone today?” she said accusingly, and he looked around and didn’t see her kids.

“Where are Jessica and Justin?” he asked, looking baffled.

“I sent them to the movies with Mrs. Pacheco. I wanted to be alone with you when you came.”

“I brought some little presents for them,” he said, setting the gift-wrapped boxes down on the table. “And I didn’t leave you alone, Pattie. You were with your kids, and I was with my family. I couldn’t just walk out on them.” He sounded calm and reasonable, but her hysteria and demands on him concerned him. It was too soon in the relationship for her to expect so much.

“So you walked out on me instead,” she said softly.

“I didn’t walk out on you,” he corrected firmly. “And we’ve only been dating for four weeks.”

“I’m in love with you, Ted.” He would have been more convinced if she hadn’t said it to him the first night. For him, love was something that grew slowly over time, not something that burst into full bloom on the first night. He was growing more and more attached to her, but he still wanted to be sure that it was love and not just fabulous sex.

He was pleased to see that she was wearing the sweater he had given her, although she hadn’t seemed excited about his gift and wanted something else from him. She forgot that he was twenty-four years old and a student, and a white cashmere sweater was a big gift for him. Annie had been thrilled with the cashmere shawl he had gotten from the same place. But Pattie had made it clear she wanted a promise ring. The very idea of that had stunned him. It wasn’t appropriate after only four weeks. She was going much too fast for him, and it made him uncomfortable. Even a man her own age wouldn’t have been ready to move that quickly.

As he looked at her tenderly, she handed him his gift. And as he took off the wrapping, he was ill at ease to see that it was some kind of jewelry box. He gasped when he opened it—it was a beautiful old gold man’s watch, and not at all the kind of thing he would wear. He was wearing the Cartier diver’s watch from his sister, which was much more age appropriate. And he was even more uncomfortable seeing that Pattie’s was an expensive gift.

“Do you like it?” Pattie asked hopefully. “It was my father’s.”

“It’s beautiful,” he said quietly, closing the box, without putting it on his wrist. “But I can’t accept it. That’s a really big gift, and it was your father’s. You can’t just give that to someone like me.”

“Why not? What do you mean?” She looked hurt.

“You hardly know me. What if we break up? You don’t want me going off with your father’s watch. You should keep that for Justin one day.” Just as his own father’s watch was waiting for him, but he had never worn it yet. Annie had it in a safe for him.

“Then don’t break up with me,” Pattie said, sounding pathetic. “I want you to have it, Ted.”

“Not now,” he said gently, and silenced her with a kiss. And a moment later the predictable happened, their clothes were in a heap on the floor, and the tensions of the past two days had found release. Their passion overwhelmed them both, and they lay breathless, first on the couch and then in her bed, clinging to each other insatiably. He couldn’t get enough of her, and she seemed desperate in the way she made love to him, as though she wanted to swallow him whole and become a part of him.

It was ten o’clock when Mrs. Pacheco called her and asked if she could bring the children home. She wanted to go to bed. They had totally forgotten the time, and Ted still hadn’t left. They dressed hurriedly, and a few minutes later Jessica and Justin rang the bell, and Ted gave them their gifts as soon as they walked in. They loved the games, and Pattie looked happy and relaxed again. The past few hours had convinced her that Ted was still addicted to her. She had been terrified that she had lost him and had made him miserable as a result, punishing him for going home.

“I have to go,” he whispered to her, and she shook her head. She wanted him to stay, but her kids were home, and he didn’t want to do something crazy with them there. Instead he wished them all a merry Christmas, kissed her, put on his coat, and hurried down the stairs. He wanted to get home. He didn’t know why, but tonight had made him sad. She seemed so desperate, and her father’s watch had been too big a gift. It hadn’t touched him, it had scared him. He had left the gold watch on the dresser in her bedroom. They weren’t married or engaged, he didn’t even know if he was in love. He liked her a lot and he wanted to be with her, and their lovemaking was extraordinary, but he didn’t want to become her prisoner either, and sometimes there was a hint of that. He took a big gulp of air as he hailed a cab and got in. She had been sexier than ever, but for the first time in a month of making love to her, he was relieved to leave. He wasn’t sure why he felt that way, but he suddenly felt as though Pattie were suffocating him.

The others were asleep when he got home. It had been a long day. When Ted left, they had watched a movie, and after that Kate and Annie had played Scrabble while Liz finished packing for Paris, and then they all went to bed.

Ted tiptoed in when he got home. Annie had left the Christmas tree lit for him, and he sat down on the couch and looked at it, thinking of where he had just been. It was so exciting and intense being with Pattie, but the white heat of her passion seared him at times. And all he could think of now was that it felt good to be home, in the apartment where he’d grown up, with the people he loved. Pattie was like a wild fantasy he couldn’t get enough of. But this was real. He sat in the living room, feeling like a kid again, smiling at the Christmas tree, and happy to be home.

Chapter 8

On the day after Christmas, Ted slept till almost noon. Lizzie left the house at ten in the morning for a one P.M. flight to Paris, and Annie was at her desk, working on some plans for Jim Watson’s apartment, when Kate wandered in and asked if she could have a friend over for pizza that night. She was always considerate about asking if she could have people in, and Annie was happy to have her entertain her friends. She had always been very welcoming to all of them.

“Of course. You don’t have to ask, but thank you anyway.” And then she looked at her and smiled. “Is this a new love interest you haven’t told me about?”

“No, he’s just a friend.” But Annie knew better than that after being a surrogate parent for all these years. New boyfriends and girlfriends were always announced as friends. “We might go to a movie, or stay here.”

“Do whatever you like. I have some work to do. I can stay in my room.”

“You don’t have to hide.” Kate smiled at her. “I’m not fifteen. I’m not ashamed of you.”

“Well, that’s nice to know. I was pretty embarrassing there for a while.”

“You’ve improved,” Katie said magnanimously with a broad grin.

“What’s his name?”

“Paul. He goes to my school. He’s really talented. He wants to be a graphic artist one day, but he’s really good at fine arts. His parents want him to learn something practical, like design.”

“How old is he?”

“Twenty-three.” It seemed like a reasonable age to Annie, and she nodded.

“I’ll be happy to meet him. I like it when you bring your friends home.” Katie nodded and went back to her room and called Paul. He said he’d come over around five. And after she talked to Paul, Ted emerged from his room. He looked exhausted. His sexual adventures with Pattie were wearing him out. Pattie had just called and invited him out to lunch with her kids. There was still snow on the ground in the park, and she had suggested a snowball fight or maybe skating for the afternoon. He liked the idea and had agreed.

He left the house an hour later without telling his aunt or his sister where he was going. He just said he was meeting friends and didn’t say when he’d be back. Annie wasn’t surprised, and it didn’t bother her. She didn’t keep track of his every move, and at twenty-four, he had to feel free to come and go when he stayed with her.

Katie went out for a while too. She wanted to check out the sales at her favorite stores, and she came back to the apartment shortly before five. Annie was still working at her desk and had been there all afternoon. The doorbell rang a few minutes after Katie got home, and she went to let him in. Annie could hear them talking and laughing in the living room, and Katie had put some music on. It was the Clash, which Annie actually liked.

They had been there for an hour when Annie walked through the room. She was on her way to make a cup of tea and intended to casually say hello, and she smiled at the handsome young man who stood up and held out his hand to shake hers. He was much more polite and poised than Katie’s usual friends. He introduced himself with impeccable manners, and he was wearing a blazer and a tie, which was unheard of among Katie’s cohorts. He was a beautiful young man with jet-black hair and deep honey-colored skin and eyes the color of onyx. Annie realized that he was probably from the Middle East, or maybe Indian, and suddenly she remembered the book about Muslim culture that she had seen in Katie’s room. She had obviously borrowed it from him. And she hadn’t said a word to Annie about him before he came. He was extremely polite as he shook hands with Annie. He seemed very mature for his age, and he was a far cry from Kate’s tattooed and pierced friends from art school who wore drooping jeans and torn T-shirts with uncombed hair.

In an effort to make him feel welcome, Annie offered him a glass of wine, and he smiled and said he would prefer a cup of tea. It was a welcome change from the vast quantities of beer Katie’s friends always consumed when they came to visit.

The two young people followed Annie into the kitchen while she made the tea. Katie helped herself to a Coke, and Paul chatted easily with Annie. As she served him tea, Paul explained that his parents were Iranian, from Tehran, but they had all been in the States since he was fourteen. He said he still had family there but hadn’t been back to his native country for a visit in nine years, since they left, and added that he was an American citizen, as were his parents. He spoke without any trace of an accent and seemed very polished and adult and also very respectful in the way he spoke to Annie. Katie’s eyes shone brightly every time she looked at him, and Annie’s heart fluttered a little as she watched them.

They were young and very sweet, and Paul was clearly a wonderful young man, but Annie was concerned that their cultures were very different. Katie looked like she was in love, and if so, Annie couldn’t help wondering how his parents felt about Katie, with all her pierced earrings and tattoos and her very liberated ways. She was too young to take any romance too seriously, but if in fact she was serious about this, Annie wondered if Paul’s parents were concerned. In terms of their origins, Katie and Paul came from two different worlds. And Katie looked a lot wilder than she was. Annie was used to it and knew what a good kid she was. But for strangers who didn’t know her, Katie’s look could have been quite a shock, particularly for the parents of a boy as polite and conservative-looking as Paul.

All Annie could hope for her was that this was a happy romance but not a lasting relationship that would challenge them too much. But the look in her niece’s eyes said something very different. Annie had never seen her look like this at any boy. And Paul was not a boy, he was a man. Annie could easily see everything that Katie loved about him, but that didn’t mean that a serious relationship between them at their age would be easy. And Annie knew that relationships were challenging enough without adding extreme contrasts to the mix, and backgrounds that were so culturally different in their traditions. It was hard enough to make a relationship work with someone who had grown up in all the same ways.

Annie was still thinking about it when she went back to her room and sat staring at the plans on her desk. She didn’t know what to think—it was the first time she had ever seen her in love, and she was worried for Kate. They were both fine young people, and she didn’t want them to get hurt.

Katie and Paul watched a DVD in the living room and ordered pizza. And Annie didn’t see Paul again before he left. She had quietly closed her door to give them privacy, but she was worried about it all night and had called Whitney to confide in her.

“What are you so freaked out about? She’s not marrying him, for God’s sake,” Whitney scolded her. Talking to her about the kids was always a reality check for Annie. Whitney was always practical and sensible.

“But what if she does marry him? He’s a Muslim. She’s a very rebellious, totally liberated American girl. I’m sure his parents must be concerned about it too, if they’ve met her. Marriage is hard enough without adding cultural and religious differences to it.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, don’t be so old-fashioned. People marry into different cultures all the time. And who says they’re getting married?” Whitney laughed at her and tried to give her some perspective. Annie was already imagining them married. This was Kate’s first serious romance. “First of all, he sounds like he’s totally Americanized. And she’s not marrying him. They’re both kids, and they go to the same school. This is dating, not marriage. She’s twenty-one, and he sounds like he’s intelligent. You said he’s handsome, decently dressed, and has lovely manners. He sounds like a great guy. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. He sounds terrific. And if you want to have a laugh, think of the heart attack they’ll have when his parents see Tweety Bird and Tinkerbell tattooed on her arms, not to mention the ten earrings on her ears. I don’t think they’ll be calling you tomorrow to arrange a marriage. Why don’t you just relax for a while?”

“I’m worried about that too, about his parents, I mean. What if they don’t appreciate what a sweet kid she is and judge her by her looks, which I’ll admit, even scare me at times? I hate her tattoos. And she is serious about this. I can feel it. I know her. I can tell. She’s reading books about his culture,” Annie said in a subdued voice. “That’s fine with me, but not if she’s doing it so she can get married.” Annie was getting way ahead of herself. All she could think of now was the future and the potential difficulty of integrating their two worlds.

“Okay,” Whitney said calmly, “when I was fourteen I wanted to be a nun, and my brother wanted to convert to Judaism so he could have a bar mitzvah, and have a big party to celebrate. None of those things happened, and I don’t think Katie is going to move to Iran. Besides, he’s an American. He probably doesn’t want to live in Iran either, for whatever reason. This is his home now.”

“He says he still has relatives there. An uncle and aunt, and a lot of cousins. What if he moves back and she goes with him?” Annie didn’t want to lose her to anyone, in any country. Katie was still her baby.

“I have a cousin in Iceland,” Whitney added. “I’m not moving there. Annie, you have to let go. You did a fantastic job with them, they’re wonderful and your sister would be proud of you, but they’re grown up. They have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. Maybe one of them will marry someone you hate one day, but I don’t think any of them are ready to get married yet, not even Lizzie, and she’s old enough. And if they really fuck it up and do make a horrible mistake, which can happen to anyone, from any culture, you still have to sit back and watch from the sidelines. It’s their life. What you need is a life of your own. You can’t hang on to them forever and live theirs or stop them from making mistakes. That’s the deal. Once they grow up, they belong to themselves, not to us. It’s horrible, and I’m going to hate it with my boys when one of them comes home with some raving bitch, but it’s going to be their life, and their turn, not mine. Annie, you’ve got to get a life. You put in sixteen years for them, you fulfilled your vow to Jane and then some. Now get off the bench and get back in the game yourself. I want you to find a guy.”

“I don’t want a guy. I’m happy the way I am. I want them to be happy, and I’m not just going to sit here with my mouth shut if they screw up their lives or make some dumb mistake.”

“You can’t stop them,” Whitney said firmly, and Annie hated hearing it and even more knowing she was right.

“Why not?”

“Because we don’t have that right. It’s not healthy for you, or for them. They’re grown up, whether you like it or not. You made your mistakes, let them make theirs.”

“What mistakes did I make?” Annie asked, sounding surprised.

“You gave up your life for them,” Whitney said gently, and Annie didn’t answer. She had, but it had been the right thing to do at the time, and she had no regrets about it. The last sixteen years had been the best years of her life. And the hardest thing for her to adjust to was that it was over now. She had done her job. It was time to open the cage and let them fly, even if Katie wound up living far away or in a different culture. If that was the choice she made, no one could stop her, nor had the right to. Not even Annie.

“I don’t know if I can just sit back and watch,” Annie said honestly.

“You have no other choice,” Whitney said simply. “Your job is over. They’re going to lead their own lives no matter what.” It was a bitter pill to swallow. It was hard enough living with the empty nest. Watching them make decisions that might cause them unhappiness later was even harder. “You’ve been lucky so far, and you’ve done a good job. I don’t think they’re going to screw it up now. And if they do, you can’t stop them. All you can do is help them pick up the pieces later, if they let you. And Katie could be just as unhappy marrying a guy from Paris or London or New Jersey.”

“I hate this part,” Annie said miserably, “where what they do now impacts their future. The stakes are so much higher as they get older. It was so much easier when they were little.”

“No, it wasn’t. You were scared shitless you were doing it wrong with someone else’s kids. You’ve just forgotten.”

“Maybe I have,” Annie said sadly. “He’s a nice boy,” she said about Paul. “I like him. I just don’t want her to wind up halfway around the world, living in Tehran. I don’t want to lose her.”

“Have a little faith in Katie. She’s not going to want that either. She’s very close to all of you, and she’ll probably wind up living in New York. Besides, Paul lives in New York, and so do his parents. Stop imagining that she’s marrying him and moving around the world. You’re driving yourself crazy for nothing.” Whitney tried to calm her down, and Annie knew that what she had said was true. As agonizing as it was, she was going to have to learn to let go one of these days, and maybe that time had come, whether she liked it or not.

She was sitting on her bed thinking about it when Katie walked into the room. Paul had left. She had a dreamy look on her face and smiled shyly at her aunt. Annie’s heart sank when she saw her. She had never seen anyone so in love. And being that much in love put her at serious risk for a broken heart if things didn’t work out as she hoped. And at twenty-one, no romance was likely to be forever. The last thing Annie wanted for her was to see her get hurt or even disappointed. She would have liked to keep her in a cocoon and protect her for the rest of her life.

“He’s a nice boy,” Annie said cautiously, not sure what else to say to someone who looked like she was floating on a cloud. “He has beautiful manners, he’s intelligent, and he’s very good looking, and he seems like a nice person.”

“He’s a wonderful person,” Katie said, instantly defending him, as though she thought she had to.

“I’m sure he is,” Annie said quietly, venturing into dangerous waters. “But he comes from a very different culture. It’s something for you to consider.” Katie glared at her with instant hostility in answer, ready to go to war, which was what Annie was afraid of. She didn’t want to lose her yet to, or over, this boy or any other. Nothing was worth that.

“What difference does it make? He’s American. He lives in New York, and he’s not going back to Iran, except to visit. His life is here, just like mine.”

“That’s good. But he may have different ideas than you do. His family isn’t American, or his relatives in Iran. I know you don’t think so, but that makes a difference. If you married him, how would you raise your children? What would he or his family expect of you? You’d always feel like an outsider or a foreigner. Katie, if you’re serious about him, you have to think about that. You come from different backgrounds. It worries me for you.” Annie was as honest with her as she could be in voicing her concerns.

“I can’t believe how bigoted you are. What bothers you? That his skin is darker than mine? Who fucking cares?”

“Of course not. But I’m concerned that his ideas are different than ours, maybe too different. His parents may think so too, about you.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Katie said with a look of youthful contempt. “You don’t even have a man in your life. You never have. You live like some kind of nun, for chrissake. What do you know about loving someone and building a life with them?”

“Not much,” Annie admitted with tears in her eyes. Katie had hit hard, and low. “I just want you to understand what you might be headed for. It’s true for any relationship. Backgrounds, family customs, and traditions do matter between two people, even if they love each other. I just want what’s best for you.” She didn’t respond to the rest of what Katie had said. She didn’t say that she had lived like a nun because she raised three kids at twenty-six, and the man she’d been in love with at the time had dumped her because she had taken on three children who weren’t her own, or that she hadn’t had time to take anyone seriously since, because she was too busy driving carpool and going to the orthodontist and soccer games. She said none of that and focused the conversation on Katie and Paul, where it belonged.

“I’ll do what seems right to me,” Katie said, staring at her in fury, and Annie nodded, remembering Whitney’s warnings to her an hour before, that it was their lives and they had a right to make their own mistakes and she had to let go. She was trying, but it was hard. And who knew if her relationship with Paul was a mistake? Maybe it wasn’t.

“I love you, Katie,” Annie said quietly in response, and with that Katie stormed out of her room and slammed the door. All Annie wanted for her was a good life.

Annie lay in her bed that night, thinking about Katie and what they’d said. And she wondered if she was wrong. Maybe she had no right to say anything. Paul seemed like a good person, maybe that was enough. Maybe coming from two different cultures didn’t matter and she was wrong. What right did she have to tell Katie who to love and how to live? Maybe Katie would be happy with him. Who was she to judge? And Katie was right about some of it. Annie did live like a nun. For all intents and purposes, her life as a woman had ended at twenty-six. And at forty-two, it seemed too late to get it started again. She had traded a life with a man for them, and she didn’t regret the trade. She had no history of relationships to draw from. And all she knew about the Iranian culture was what she’d read. It wasn’t the life she would have chosen for Katie, but she had a right to choose it for herself.

And as Annie lay in bed, she thought about Ted too, and wondered about the mystery woman who was distracting him. He had seemed dazed through all of Christmas and had disappeared on Christmas night. She had never seen him like that. And she was convinced that Liz was wasting her time with men like Jean-Louis. Liz was having fun and enjoying her career, but guys like Jean-Louis were never going to take care of her, they were too obsessed with themselves. It was hard watching the three of them grow up.

Annie had a headache when she woke up the next day. Ted and Katie were both already out, and neither had left her a note about their plans. She knew that at their age, they didn’t owe her explanations about where they went, and she had no right to ask. Thinking about both of them, Annie made herself a cup of tea and went out for a walk. Whitney called on her cell phone, and she told her about the argument with Katie the night before.

“She’s got to defend the relationship, no matter what she really thinks. She can’t admit to you that you’re right or that she may have questions about it herself. None of us want to admit that we’re not sure of what we’re doing. It’s easier for her to attack you. And saying what you think isn’t such a bad thing. Katie knows that your heart is in the right place. Now just back off and see what she does. And have a little fun yourself for a change. Are you coming to New Year’s Eve? It might do you good to get out of the house for a night.”

“I don’t want to ditch them on New Year’s Eve.”

“Hello? Are you kidding? We’ve been over this before. They’re going to ditch you. They’re grown up. They’ve got their own plans. And I want to introduce you to Fred’s friend. He’s a terrific guy.” As Whitney said it, Annie remembered Katie’s comment of the night before, that she lived like a nun. She was forty-two, not ninety-five. Maybe Katie and Whitney were right. At least she had to try. She didn’t want to die alone, and if she had another forty or fifty years ahead of her, a little companionship might be nice.

“Okay. I’ll come,” Annie said, as though she had just agreed to have her liver pulled out through her nose.

“Great!” Whitney sounded thrilled. “You can spend the night. You shouldn’t drive back alone. Think of it, this may be the beginning of a hot romance and a whole new life for you. You’re going to love this guy.” It had been years since Annie had agreed to a blind date, long enough to forget how disappointing they were. But at least it was something to do on New Year’s Eve. And Whitney was right. The kids probably had their own plans.

Annie didn’t see Ted or Katie until the following day, and she mentioned to them both that she was going to Whitney and Fred’s on New Year’s Eve. Had they objected, she would have canceled, but as Whitney had predicted, they both said they had plans with friends. Annie didn’t say another word to Katie about Paul. She had said enough, and Katie was still angry at her when Annie left for New Jersey on the afternoon of New Year’s Eve.

Chapter 9

Annie arrived at Whitney and Fred’s house in Far Hills at six o’clock. There had been very little traffic, and she made good time. She had brought a simple black evening dress and hung it in the backseat. Their three boys were playing basketball in the backyard when she arrived. They were fourteen, sixteen, and seventeen, and all three of them looked like Fred, with freckles and red hair. They were all sports nuts like their father, and their oldest son was currently applying to college. He wanted to go to Duke and do pre-med, like his father. The boys waved to her when she arrived.

Fred was an orthopedic surgeon and had done well. He wasn’t a man whom Annie would have chosen, but Whitney was happy and had a good life with him. He had a big ego and had always been impressed with himself, but he was a good father and husband, a good provider, and a responsible person. Annie had always respected him for that.

As she walked into their house after Whitney hugged her, Annie saw that the dining table was beautifully set with gleaming silver and crystal, and there were white flowers and silver streamers everywhere. The evening looked more elaborate than she’d expected.

“How many people are you having?” Annie asked, feeling nervous. She knew that most of their friends were married and were part of a tight circle of people who lived in Far Hills, and many of them were physicians like Fred. She always felt a little strange in their midst, like an outsider or some kind of freak. She tried not to think of it now.

“We’re having twenty-four,” Whitney said as she helped carry Annie’s things to her room. It was a beautiful guest room, and Whitney had thought of every detail. “How was Katie when you left?”

“Still pissed. I’ve hardly seen her for the past few days. She said she had plans with friends. I didn’t ask, but it’s probably Paul.”

“She’ll be fine,” Whitney said. “Take a day off. Have some fun yourself tonight. The guests are coming at seven. We’ll sit down to dinner at eight or eight-thirty.” It didn’t give Annie much time to get dressed. And she sank into the tub a few minutes after Whitney left the room. She had promised herself she was going to make an effort and get into the spirit of the evening.

Annie blew her hair dry and did it in a French twist. She put her makeup on carefully and stepped into the black dress. And she wore a pair of high-heeled sandals with feathers on them that Lizzie had bought her in Paris. And she put on diamond earrings that she had bought herself. She checked herself in the mirror before she left her room and decided that her fashionable niece Lizzie would approve. And she carried a small black satin clutch. Annie looked sleek and sophisticated as she left her room, just as the first guests arrived and walked into the living room. They were a couple she had met before. He was an orthopedic surgeon like Fred, and his wife was a friend of Whitney’s with kids the same age, and Annie remembered that they always drank a little too much.

The couple looked Annie over as she walked in, and the wife had the smug, condescending look that some married women give single ones, as though they feel sorry for them. Annie wouldn’t have traded her own life for hers, but she chatted amiably with them, as other guests continued to arrive. By eight o’clock everyone was there. People arrived promptly in the suburbs, unlike big cities where everyone was late. And she hadn’t figured out which one her blind date was yet. All the men in the room had paunches and looked middle-aged, and most of the women were slightly overweight. Whitney was too, although she was as tall as Annie and carried it well. Annie always suspected that the excess weight was because most of the women drank a little too much wine. Annie had a better figure than anyone in the room. And she was intrigued to discover that the women ignored her, and the men stood in clumps with each other, discussing business or medicine. The men acted as though the women didn’t exist, and the women didn’t seem to care and talked about shopping, tennis, or their kids.

“Did you see him?” Whitney asked as she stopped to chat with Annie for a minute, then drifted away again. She was busy with her guests. She had introduced Annie to a few people, all of them couples. And Annie had figured out that she and her blind date were probably the only single people in the room. But she hadn’t spotted him yet. All she knew from Whitney was that he was fifty-two, a surgeon, drove a Porsche, and was divorced. It would have been hard to identify him from that description unless she’d seen him get out of his car alone.

The women in the room were wearing cocktail dresses or evening gowns, and the men were in black tie, but no one looked really chic, and they seemed a little overdressed. It was five minutes before they sat down to dinner when Whitney brought him over to meet her and introduced her to Bob Graham, the man she was dying for Annie to meet, and as she saw him, Annie’s heart sank. He looked like every bad blind date she’d ever had, and he looked her over like a piece of meat. He told her immediately that he was a surgeon and specialized in heart-lung transplants, and he looked as though he expected applause. He looked moderately athletic but still had a paunch and several chins. And he’d had very bad hair plugs done the year before when he got divorced. Annie would have preferred it if he were bald, and she tried to remind herself to be a good sport and give the poor guy a chance. What if he were the nicest man on the planet and had bad hair plugs? It would be worth putting up with his hair if he were a wonderful human being, and maybe he was. Or fascinating. Or funny. Or extremely smart. Anything was possible. She saw him staring at her diamond earrings, and he cut to the chase.

“You’re divorced?” Alone at her age, he assumed she was.

“No. I’ve never been married,” she said, smiling at him, wondering if that made her sound racy or like a loser.

“Nice earrings. Your ex-boyfriend must have been a generous guy.” She was startled by the comment and had never had a boyfriend who bought her anything other than meals or a scarf.

“I bought them myself,” she said, smiling at him, as Whitney herded them into the dining room like sheep, and the heart-lung surgeon sat down next to her. He ignored her completely for the first half of dinner, while he discussed his most recent surgery and hospital politics with two men across the table. And the man on her left had his back turned to her and was in earnest conversation with the woman on his other side. They had reached the dessert course when the heart-lung man turned to her again, as though he had just remembered she was there. She expected him to ask what she did for a living, since she had listened to him discuss his own work all night.

“I’m building a house in the Cayman Islands,” he said, totally out of context. “I’ve got a ranch in Montana, and I needed someplace in a tax haven. I keep my boat there now. Ever been to St. Barts?”

“No, I haven’t,” she said, smiling at him. “I hear it’s lovely.”

“I just sold a house there. I made double my money in two years.” She wasn’t sure what to say to that, and she was fascinated by the fact that he still hadn’t asked her what she did or anything about herself. It was all about him. “I just got back from safari in Kenya with my kids. We were there over Christmas. We went to Zimbabwe last year. I liked Kenya a lot better.” He made conversation easy, there was none. He asked no questions, didn’t care about her opinions, her life experience, her holidays, or her job. “I got some fantastic photographs while we were there.” He also wasn’t interested in world events, only his own, and Annie listened to him in amazement.

Whitney beamed at her from across the table. She looked as though she had had a lot to drink, and so had everyone else. The dinner had been excellent, provided by the best caterer in Far Hills, but no one seemed to care. All they talked about was the wines. Fred had brought out his best and knew a lot about wine. And so did Bob. He told Annie then about the wine cellars he had at his house and how well stocked they were with the best French wines. Then he told her about his boat and how big it was. He said he had some great art on the boat, and then he commented that he’d given some of it to his ex-wife. By the time they left the table after dinner, Annie had never opened her mouth. The man to her left apologized for not speaking to her as they stood up, and Bob drifted off to talk to Fred and several of their colleagues without a word to her.

She felt like the invisible person in the room. The women were afraid of her because she was thinner, better dressed, and prettier than they were, and the men didn’t care. Bob Graham could have talked to himself in the mirror all night and had just as much fun. She suspected he probably normally dated younger women who were impressed by his money, his boat, or his Porsche. She was impressed by none of it, and all she wanted to do was go home. And she was stuck there for the night. She was sorry she had come. Sitting home alone would have been better, but now she had to put a good face on it, for Whitney’s sake if nothing else.

“Isn’t he great?” Whitney whispered to her as she drifted past her on the way to talk to the women she played tennis with every day. She and Whitney had been friends for years, and Annie loved talking to her, but when she saw her here, she realized how little they had in common, and how different their lives were. Whitney had never worked since she married Fred twenty years before, right out of college. She already had two babies when Annie inherited Jane’s family, and Whitney had given her invaluable support and advice. What they shared was history but not much else. And Annie hated their friends. She always forgot how much until she visited her in New Jersey, which she didn’t do very often. Most of the time they saw each other in the city when Whitney came in to go shopping, and she was okay one on one. But here, in her natural habitat, with these smug, self-satisfied, pompous people, Annie wanted to scream and run out of the room. The best part of the evening so far had been the food.

Everyone continued drinking until midnight, and Fred counted down, and then everyone screamed and blew little horns that Whitney had produced right before midnight. And then they all kissed, wished each other Happy New Year, and twenty minutes later they all went home. Whitney was totally drunk by then, and Fred went up to bed without saying goodnight to either of them.

“Bob said you were great,” Whitney assured her, slurring her words, and Annie hated seeing her like that. She wanted her to be better than this, to be different, but she wasn’t. She was one of them. And the fabulous blind date had been another bad joke. Annie had forgotten, since the last one, just how bad blind dates could be. She always swore she wouldn’t do it again, but Whitney had pushed her, and after what Katie had said, she thought she should at least try again.

When Whitney went out to the kitchen to pay the caterers, Annie slipped quietly into her room, took off her clothes and makeup, slid into bed, and turned off the light. And all she wanted was, not a man, but to turn the clock back to when her nieces and nephew were young. They had had such happy times, drinking ginger ale, and staying up till midnight on New Year’s Eve, and falling asleep with all three of them in her bed. Those were the New Years she missed. Not dates like Bob Graham. As she drifted off to sleep, she wished she were at home. She was much lonelier here, with Whitney and her friends, than she would have been alone.

Ted’s New Year’s Eve with Pattie was tender and sweet. They cooked dinner at her apartment, and she had dropped the kids off at their father’s, who had just gotten back to town. They toasted each other with champagne, and their lovemaking was alternately wild and gentle, and at midnight they turned on the TV and watched the ball in Times Square come down, and then they made love again. It was a silly, funny evening, full of the passion he had discovered with her in the past month. And she startled him by asking him if he would ever move in with her.

“What would your kids think?” he asked, looking surprised. He had never lived with a woman, just roommates, and his sisters and aunt. He wasn’t sure he was ready to move in with a woman, and he felt awkward about her kids.

“They would think we love each other,” Pattie said in answer to his question, but he was well aware that it would be a heavy responsibility to bear. What if it didn’t work out? What would it do to her kids? They had already been through a divorce. He didn’t want to jeopardize them, and he said as much to her, but she wouldn’t listen. She was oblivious to his concerns. “Why wouldn’t it work out?”

“We need more time,” he said sensibly, and she just smiled, as though she knew all the secrets of the world. She told him she loved him a thousand times that night, and he made love to her again and again. It was the most exciting New Year’s Eve he’d ever had. They both got drunk on champagne and eventually fell asleep in each other’s arms, as the sun came up on a new year.

Paul and Katie spent New Year’s Eve at Annie’s apartment. She had spent the night at his place before. His roommate had a girlfriend who had her own apartment, and conveniently, he was gone most of the time with her. But this time, Paul stayed with Katie. They made dinner in the comfortable kitchen, watched movies, and kissed at midnight, and they made love in her bed. He was gentle, loving, and respectful, and she knew that everything Annie was concerned about with different cultures didn’t apply to him. He was as American as she was, no matter where he’d been born. And he was the kindest man in the world, and Katie was deeply and totally in love for the first time in her life.

Paul was terrified that Annie might come home in the middle of the night, and Katie kept reassuring him that she wouldn’t be back till the next day. He made Katie lock her bedroom door anyway. He didn’t want anyone to walk in on them. And Katie lay peacefully in his arms as they talked late into the night, about all the things they cared about, their hopes and fears and dreams. He said he wanted to take her to Tehran one day to visit his family there. He wanted to go back to see it again himself. He had so many memories there, and his family, but he wanted to live in the States. He just wanted her to see his country one day, and Katie wanted that too. She wanted to know everything about him and see where he lived as a child.

Paul had introduced her to his parents, who had been extremely polite to her, although a little chilly at first. Paul had explained to her that they always hoped he would eventually marry a Persian girl. But he assured Katie that they would fall in love with her in time, when they got to know her better. It was the same thing that Katie had said about Annie, that she needed to get used to their relationship, and especially the fact that Katie had grown up.

But Katie didn’t think about her aunt at all that night. Her heart and mind were full of Paul, and the life they were going to share. It was a new year, a new world, a new life with him. And the differences their families were concerned about didn’t exist for them. The only world they cared about was their own.

Chapter 10

Annie could hardly wait to leave Far Hills the next day. She didn’t want to be rude and leave before Whitney and Fred woke up. She was up and dressed by nine A.M., and it was ten when Whitney and Fred appeared. She joined them in the kitchen for breakfast, for a recap of the night before. And they both looked painfully hung over. Annie had had very little to drink and felt fine.

“So what did you think of Bob?” Whitney asked hopefully as Fred read the paper. He didn’t seem to care about the ill-fated blind date either way. That was Whitney’s deal, not his.

“He’s a very interesting man,” Annie said diplomatically, not wanting to hurt Whitney’s feelings by saying what she really thought, that he was an egomaniac and a pompous ass and a crashing bore. “He told me all about his safari in Kenya over Christmas, the ranch in Montana, his boat, the house he’s building in the Cayman Islands and the one he just sold in St. Barts. He has a lot to say.” But only about himself.

Whitney was getting the picture and looked cautiously at her friend. She realized that there was a lot Annie wasn’t saying and she was being polite. Listening to their conversation, Fred got up and walked into the other room. It sounded like girl talk to him. “I’ll admit, he’s a little full of himself, but he’s really a great guy. He gave his wife a fortune in the divorce.” Annie wasn’t sure that made him such a great guy, unless all you wanted was money and a divorce. If you wanted conversation and a real human being, he wouldn’t be an option.

“That’s nice for her,” Annie said vaguely as she sipped her coffee.

“She left him for the golf pro at the club. It was a terrible blow to his ego, and he’s been going out with a lot of young women. They’re just after his money. What he needs is a real person.”

“Is that his assessment or yours? He’s probably having fun with the young women,” Annie said sensibly. She really didn’t care.

“They’re all gold diggers, I’ve met them. He deserves someone better.” Annie wanted to tell her that he didn’t. He deserved whatever he got, and wearing his wallet on his sleeve, he was going to find women who were after that. Maybe all he wanted now was to buy one. But he was of no interest whatsoever to her. It was obvious from everything she didn’t say. She had found him utterly revolting. “I’m sorry,” Whitney said—she could tell what Annie had thought of him from the look on her face. “I guess he’s not really your style. I just hoped he would be. He’s the only single guy I know. Everyone out here is married.” And Annie wouldn’t have wanted any of them either, from what she’d seen the night before. She had never seen a more unattractive group of men in her life, and their wives hadn’t been much better. All they had talked about all night was money. “Did you tell him you’re an architect?” Whitney asked her, and Annie laughed.

“He never asked. He talked about all his houses and possessions. I just let him talk. He wasn’t interested in me, and I wasn’t interested in him. It’s awfully hard to fix people up. I think if it happens, it just has to fall on you. I’ve never had a blind date that worked,” she said to Whitney with a forgiving look. She knew her intentions had been good, even if she was delusional about Bob.

“Maybe you should try Internet dating,” Whitney said forlornly. She really wanted to help. She hated knowing that Annie was alone, especially now with the children gone. She knew how hard that was for her and what a void it had left.

“I’m not looking for a date, or a man, or a husband. I’m fine the way I am,” Annie said. “And I don’t have time anyway. I have ten major jobs backed up right now. Honest, Whit, I’m fine. It’s not a high priority for me right now.” And Whitney knew it hadn’t been, for too long.

“It hasn’t been for sixteen years,” Whitney reminded her. “You have to think of your future. You’re not going to be young and beautiful forever, and you don’t want to wind up alone.” It didn’t sound bad to Annie, if the alternative was Bob Graham.

“Alone isn’t so bad.” Annie smiled at her. “I’m not unhappy. I just miss the kids. But that’s going to happen to you one of these days too. They all grow up and leave sooner or later.”

“I’m dreading it,” Whitney confessed, as Fred walked back into the kitchen and heard what she said.

“I’m not,” he said with a grin. “As soon as the last one leaves, we can start traveling, and doing everything we couldn’t do for the last twenty years. We’ll be able to go away without worrying if they’re totaling the car, or getting alcohol poisoning playing beer pong, or will burn down the house. I can’t wait until we’re done,” he said happily.

“I don’t think women see it that way,” Annie told him. “It’s a huge loss to us when they leave. The kids were my best job for all these years. And suddenly I’m obsolete. Thank God I never gave up my day job, or I’d really be lost now.” Whitney understood perfectly, which was why she kept trying to find her a man.

Annie got up from the table then and went to get her things. She said goodbye to Fred and thanked Whitney for a nice time and got into her car with a sigh of relief. She couldn’t wait to get home. She felt stupid for having come out at all and for thinking that this blind date would be different. She reminded herself, as she had before, never to do it again. But in a couple of years she knew she’d forget and let someone sucker her into another blind date. She hoped that this time she’d remember just how bad it had been.

As Annie left New Jersey, Katie and Paul were making breakfast in Annie’s kitchen. They had gotten up early and dressed. Paul wanted to be gone before Katie’s aunt got home. He didn’t know how she’d react to his spending the night, and he had sensed her reservations about him, although Katie had been gentle in discussing it with him. Both of them were disappointed by their families’ reservations but not surprised.

“She thinks we’re from two different worlds,” he said sadly. He had seen it in her eyes, although she had been kind to him and he liked her.

“She’ll get over it,” Katie said quietly. “The real problem with Annie is that she thinks I’m still a child. She worries about me a lot,” Katie said fairly. “She was pretty young when my parents died, and she took care of us like a mother. I think it’s hard for her to give that up now and realize we’re grown up.”

“She seems like a good woman,” Paul said, and then leaned over and kissed Katie. “I love you. You’re a good woman too,” he said, smiling at her. He had agreed to come back that afternoon. He just didn’t want Annie to know that he’d spent the night. He didn’t want to get Katie in trouble either. And his timing was perfect. Paul left the apartment ten minutes before Annie came home. Katie had washed the dishes and put them away, and she was making her bed when Annie walked in and wished her a happy new year.

“What did you do last night?” she asked Katie. She had wondered if Katie would let Paul spend the night, but she could see that that hadn’t happened. Her room was in perfect order, and there was no sign of Paul.

“We went out with friends. It was no big deal. I was home pretty early,” Katie said as she finished making her bed and they walked into the living room together. “How about you? Did you have fun?” Katie no longer seemed to be angry at her, and Annie laughed and told her about the blind date.

“I think it was the worst one so far. I’d rather be a ‘nun’ forever than go out with guys like that,” Annie said, and Katie looked embarrassed by her comment.

“I’m sorry I said that. I was upset.” She hadn’t liked Annie expressing her concerns about Paul. He was wonderful to her and such a kind man, and she wanted Annie to be as excited about their relationship as she was and have no hesitations whatsoever, which was a lot to expect, no matter who he was. Annie was always protective of her. Too much so, Katie thought.

“It’s fine, you’re right. I do live like a nun. Where’s Paul, by the way?”

“He’s coming over later,” Katie said casually, trying to sound as though his being there all the time was a common occurrence.

“That’s nice,” Annie said sincerely. “He can stay for dinner if you want.” Annie liked him and wanted to get to know him better, since he was obviously so important to Kate. But she also knew that traditions ran deep, even in a new generation and another country. “Where’s your brother?” she asked Katie.

“I don’t know. He vanished. He was probably out with friends last night. And wherever he wound up, I’m sure he’s still asleep.” Katie went back to her room then and called Paul and told him he could come back anytime he wanted and her aunt had invited him for dinner. He sounded relieved.

“She didn’t figure out that I spent the night?” he asked nervously.

“Nope. I put away all the dishes. She got home right after you left.”

“I’ll come over after I have lunch with my parents,” he promised, and then Katie lay down on her bed, listened to music, and thought about him. She was the happiest she’d ever been in her life.

* * *

Ted and Pattie woke up at two in the afternoon, when her ex called to say he was dropping off the kids. Ted said he wanted to leave anyway. He didn’t think they should see him there too often, and they might suspect he had spent the night. He wanted to keep up an appearance of propriety for them.

“I have to get home,” Ted said as he turned on the shower, and Pattie stood in the bathroom doorway, watching him and admiring his body.

“Why?” Pattie questioned him, as she stepped into the shower with him. “Why do you have to go home? Why don’t you just stay here with us?”

“I want to spend some time with my sister and my aunt,” he said honestly. Sometimes he felt as though she were trying to take over his life. She wanted him there all the time.

“Wouldn’t you rather be here?” she asked, pressing her body up against his, as the water ran down their faces, and as she cradled him in her hands, he sprang to life again. She had an instant effect on him, like magic.

“Sometimes I’d rather be here,” he said as he kissed her, and fondled her breasts in his hands. She used her own to guide him inside her. “And sometimes I like to be with them too,” he whispered into her hair, but Annie and Kate were rapidly fading from his mind. Pattie had a way of pushing everything out of his head but her, and she straddled him as they made love in the shower. The effect was instant and explosive, and he could hardly bear pulling away when it was over. Her diligent applications of soap kept him aroused for even longer. “I’m never going to get out of here if you keep doing that,” he warned her, and she laughed.

“That’s the idea.”

He pulled away from her then and looked down at her, putting words to something he often wondered. “What do you want with a kid like me?”

“I’m crazy about you. I’ve never been in love like this in my whole life.” She looked young and vulnerable as she said it.

“Why? I’m not old enough to be a father to your kids. I’m not ready to be a husband. I still have to finish law school. I feel like I’ve grown up since I met you, but I still have a long way to go.”

“Then take me with you. We’ll grow up together.”

“You’re already grown up,” he reminded her. “You’re a mom, and you’ve been a wife … I’m just a kid.”

“I don’t care as long as you’re mine.” And then she said something that terrified him: “I’m never going to let you go.”

“Don’t say that,” he said softly as he dried himself and stepped into his clothes. He felt trapped when she said things like that, and he didn’t want to be her hostage, no matter how exciting she was. He wanted to be with her by choice. Sometimes there was an aura of desperation about Pattie that unnerved him. Their relationship was so much more intense than any he’d been in before.

“It’s true,” she said as she looked at him sadly. “I’ll die if you leave me.”

“No, you won’t,” he said sternly. “You have kids. You can’t think like that.”

“Then don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said softly, “but don’t say things like that. It scares me.” She nodded and kissed him hard on the mouth.

He left minutes before her kids got home, and hailed a cab to take him to Annie’s. And he turned back and waved as Pattie watched him from the window. Her eyes never left the cab until it disappeared.

In Paris, Jean-Louis and Liz were planning to pick up his son Damien to spend the day and night with him. They had had dinner with friends of Jean-Louis the night before. Lizzie had been having a wonderful time since she arrived. He had a beautiful little apartment on the Left Bank on the quais, with a terrace overlooking the Seine. She loved watching the boats drift by and looking across the city. When she came here to work, she stayed at the Four Seasons or the Bristol, but it was much more fun and more romantic staying with him. And she was looking forward to meeting his son. Jean-Louis was planning to take him to the park with her and had promised him a ride on the carousel.

Lizzie was getting ready in his funny old bathroom, with the round oeil de boeuf windows, when she opened a drawer looking for a fresh roll of toilet paper, since they were running out. She was startled to see several pairs of women’s underwear and a lacy black bra. None of it was hers. She wasn’t sure if it was a relic of his past, or something more current, but she took it all out and tossed it on the bed, where Jean-Louis was watching a soccer match on TV between Paris F.C. and Saint-Germain.

“I found these in the bathroom,” she said casually as he glanced away from the TV for just a second, and Paris F.C. scored a goal. He heard the crowd cheer and looked back at the TV immediately as he talked to her. He had seen the lacy underwear sitting on the bed. He looked undisturbed.

“You’ve discovered my secret,” he said, smiling at her. “I wear them when you’re not here.”

“Very funny,” she said with a faint tremor in her stomach. She was normally not jealous, but they had agreed to be exclusive, and she wanted to be sure they were still on the same page. “Do these belong to anyone you know?” It was unlikely that a perfect stranger had come to his apartment and left her underpants and a bra in a drawer.

“Probably Françoise. I’m sure they’ve been here for years and she forgot them when she left. I never look through those drawers. Just throw them away. If she hasn’t asked for them in four years, she doesn’t need them now.” Françoise was his son’s mother, and it sounded reasonable to Liz, and she smiled at him as she tossed them in a wastebasket under his desk. It didn’t look it, but he had a cleaning woman who came once a week. His apartment was as disorderly as his clothes.

“We’re out of toilet paper, by the way,” she informed him as she continued to get dressed, relieved by his simple undramatic explanation. She hated jealous scenes, and it was nice to know he wasn’t cheating on her. It wasn’t the love affair of the century, but it was a comfortable arrangement for both of them.

“There’s a roll in my desk. Bottom drawer.” The incongruous location for toilet paper was typical of him. His housekeeping skills were nil. “I know that sounds crazy, but I forget where I put it otherwise.”

She had put on jeans and a sweater by then, and sexy high-heeled boots, and she looked rail thin. She wound a raspberry-colored pashmina around her neck and put on a black fox coat she had bought in Milan. She looked very stylish for the park and the carousel, and he smiled at her admiringly as he turned off the TV and got up off the bed. He was happy—his team had won. He was taking her to lunch at the Brasserie Lipp before they picked up his son. And Liz was curious to meet the boy and get a look at his mother. She was an extremely successful model Jean-Louis had lived with for two years, and he had remained on good terms with her. They had split up before the boy was a year old, four years before, and she’d had several boyfriends since Jean-Louis.

Liz ate a salad at the famous old brasserie on the Boulevard St. Germain, while Jean-Louis ate a heavy German meal. And at three o’clock they were at the apartment building where Françoise lived on the rue Jacob. She was twenty-five years old, and she looked about fifteen when she opened the door. She was even taller than Liz and stood six feet tall in bare feet, with huge green eyes, flawless skin, and a long mane of red hair. Damien’s hair was the same color as his mother’s, but otherwise he was the image of Jean-Louis. He smiled up at his father with a delighted look, and then looked quizzically up at Liz, and Jean-Louis introduced her and said she was his friend. Françoise was looking at her with the same curious expression as her son. She shook Lizzie’s hand and asked if they wanted to come in.

The decor of her apartment was decidedly Moroccan, with leather poufs on the floor, low tables, and couches that had seen better days and were covered with colorful shawls. Her housekeeping skills were about the same as Jean-Louis’s. There were magazines, loose photographs, her modeling portfolio, half-drunk bottles of wine, and shoes everywhere.

Damien seemed like a happy, easygoing child as he ran to hug his father, and then kissed his mother when they left.

The two women had looked each other over with interest, but said very little. Lizzie had the feeling that Françoise wasn’t thrilled to see her, but she didn’t seem overly upset either. Jean-Louis had said that they had always had a very open arrangement when they lived together and had never been entirely faithful to each other. He had told Liz that she was the only woman he had promised monogamy to, and he considered it an enormous concession and a big commitment from him. Until then, monogamy, his own or his partner’s, had never been important to him. He believed in living in the moment, and seizing opportunities when they arose. And he teased Lizzie frequently about how American she was, and what puritans Americans were. But she stuck by her rules. She didn’t want her boyfriend sleeping with anyone else. She had never had any evidence to the contrary, and when she called him at home at night in Paris, when she was in New York, he was always alone. Liz had been intrigued to see him with Damien’s mother when they met. They seemed friendly and nothing more. He had told Liz right from the beginning that he and Françoise were good friends, and she trusted him. He had never lied to her yet.

They went to the Bois de Boulogne, and it was cold, but they ran around a lot and played ball with Damien. He was very cute, and Liz made a big effort to speak to him in French, and all three of them rode the carousel. And afterward they went to Ladurée on the Champs Élysées for hot chocolate and pastries. Damien loved it, and even Lizzie succumbed and had macarons and a cup of tea. They went back to Jean-Louis’s apartment after that, and Liz gave Damien the train she’d brought. He loved it, and once he tired of playing with it, Jean-Louis put on a Disney DVD for him in the bedroom, in French, and the two adults talked quietly in the living room. It had been a perfect day. Lizzie had wanted to meet his son for a long time, but it had never worked out until then. This was the first time she had had leisure time in Paris—she was always so busy when she came, organizing shoots and flying in and out with no time to spare.

“I wish he stayed with me more often,” Jean-Louis said wistfully. “He’s such a great kid, but I’m never here. Or not for long anyway. Françoise travels a lot too. Her mother comes up from Nice to take care of him but she’s been thinking about sending Damien to live with her, now that he’s really starting school. It’s hard for him to bounce around between the two of us, and her mother takes good care of him. Françoise was really too young when he was born. We thought it was a great idea at the time when she got pregnant, but we probably should have waited.” He smiled at Liz then. “But then he would never have been born. I guess destiny makes the right decisions after all.” It seemed odd to her to leave something as important as the decision to have a child to “destiny.” She had never felt ready to have a baby so far, and she couldn’t imagine doing that for many years. She was too involved in her career, and so were Françoise and Jean-Louis, but they didn’t seem to care.

“Won’t he miss you both terribly if you send him to live with his grandmother?” She felt sorry for the boy, being shuttled between two very independent people who had had him when they were too young, and a grandmother in another city.

“It would be better for him. She has more stability than we do, and Françoise has two sisters, in Aix and Marseille. He would see his aunts and uncles and cousins. We don’t have time to get him together with other kids, except at nursery school, or the day care where Françoise takes him. You were brought up by someone other than your parents. It doesn’t seem to have hurt you,” he said practically, but what he didn’t see and had never understood was how marked Lizzie had been by her parents’ death, no matter how wonderful Annie had been to them. It wasn’t the same as growing up with a mom and dad, and it had been a crushing loss for her. And perhaps it was even worse if your parents chose to send you away. How would you explain that to yourself later on?

“We had no choice. My parents died. But Damien might feel really abandoned by the two of you. I suffered terribly from the loss of my parents all through my teens. I think I blamed them for dying, although I loved my aunt a lot and she was terrific and like a mother to me. But she’s not my mother, she’s my aunt.”

“We’ll explain it to him later on.” Jean-Louis smiled at her as he lit a Gitane. “Françoise isn’t ready to give up her career. And she can only do what she’s doing, at this level, for a few more years. It would be a shame for her to stop now. And I can’t. I’m sure he’ll understand,” Jean-Louis said confidently. Liz wasn’t so sure how he’d feel later about parents who hadn’t been willing to make the necessary adjustments for him and thought only of themselves. In some ways she thought they treated him like a toy. She was still grateful for the sacrifices Annie had made, which she was even more aware of now. She couldn’t imagine what her life would be like if she had been raising three children now, of the ages she and her siblings had been when Annie got them at twenty-six. Liz didn’t think herself capable of it, now or at any age, which made her admire Annie even more for all she’d done.

“I couldn’t do it either,” Liz said fairly, “but I wouldn’t have a kid. I don’t want to screw up someone else’s life.”

“We’re not,” Jean-Louis assured her, blind to what they weren’t doing for the boy. And with that Damien walked into the room. The movie had finished, and he was hungry. Jean-Louis put some cheese and pâté on a plate for him, and opened a box of the macaron cookies they had bought that afternoon at Ladurée. And Damien seemed perfectly content with that. He lived on pizza and sandwiches when he was with his mother. His father always had better things to eat. But he didn’t look unhappy or malnourished, and he was easy to be with. He had learned early to adjust to the grown-ups around him and not cause any trouble. If he did, they sent him away. Liz thought it was a hard life for him and not one she would have wanted to give a child, nor the one she had had with her aunt, who had adjusted herself to them and given them a secure, happy childhood. Annie always talked about how lucky she was to have them. Lizzie was more grateful than ever for her now, in the context of her own life, and how hard it was for her to juggle what she had on her own plate. And she was sure it wasn’t easy for Françoise and Jean-Louis either. But Damien was paying the price for it. She never had. She had had a perfect childhood, under the circumstances. And even with that, she was shy of long-term commitments now. She had never told a man she loved him, for fear that if she did, he might die or disappear, and she didn’t think she had ever been in love. She was still asking herself the question about Jean-Louis. She was attached to him, and she enjoyed him, but to her love was something much deeper than this, from which there was no turning back. She had never given up her option to end a relationship or leave. And this was the extent of the commitment she wanted for now. She couldn’t even imagine having a child with him. And surely not at twenty, as Françoise had done. Jean-Louis often said that he’d like to have another one sometime. Liz was not planning to volunteer.

Lizzie played cards with Damien for a little while, and with his new train again, and then Jean-Louis put on another DVD. And eventually the irresistible little boy with the big green eyes and red hair fell asleep on his father’s bed, and Jean-Louis scooped him up and put him on the narrow bed he had set up for him in a tiny room, where he stayed when he was here. They were taking him back to Françoise the next day.

Liz and Jean-Louis spent a quiet evening talking and drinking wine after Damien fell asleep. They talked mostly about fashion, and the editors and photographers they knew, the politics at various magazines, particularly hers, and their careers. They were comfortable and compatible, had the same interests, knew many of the same people, and worked in the same milieu. It was an ideal situation for both of them. And a perfect way to spend New Year’s Day. She cuddled up next to him when they went to bed that night. She didn’t want more than this, and she liked staying with him in the funny little attic apartment in Paris, and the loft in New York. They didn’t make love that night because Lizzie didn’t want Damien to walk in on them, and there was only one bathroom in the apartment, although Jean-Louis assured her he wouldn’t hear anything and never woke up during the night, but she didn’t want to risk it and traumatize him. She felt responsible for him while she was there.