Almost Perfect

Chapter 20

One woman's dream is another woman's nightmare, so be careful what you wish for.

– How to Have a Perfect Life

"What have I gotten myself into?" Maddy wondered aloud as she sat at the desk in the camp office. She could be signing prints for Sylvia's catalog, getting ready for trade shows and gallery appearances, working on new originals. Instead, she was sitting before a computer, creating a spreadsheet that was turning into a disaster.

Why had she taken this job?

Not that she had any grounds to complain. She'd made sacrifices to help Nigel with his business. How could she do less for Joe? Joe might not be sick, but if she loved him, she owed him the same level of commitment.

If only she could get this stupid spreadsheet to work!

She dropped her head to the desk in despair, only to have her forehead crack against the keyboard.

Ouch! She raised up, rubbing her brow. Then her eyes widened at her computer screen, which seemed to have gone haywire. All the numbers in all the little boxes were ticking down like the timer on a bomb about to go off. "No! Stop! What'd I hit? Undo, undo!"

She frantically punched keys, until suddenly the numbers reversed, going up now, faster than the national debt. She froze in shock, watching it with horrified fascination.

Up until now, she'd always thought she was good with computers. She'd quickly learned that having an innate ability with graphic design software did not mean she had the same ability with bookkeeping software. Truth was, she made a much better business owner's wife than she did an office manager.

She'd done well helping Nigel run his business all those years because they'd had Betty manning the front desk. All Maddy had to do was carry files back and forth, boost morale, and keep tabs on how things were going. After the past two weeks, she was convinced Betty was the eighth wonder of the world for being able to run an office so smoothly.

Just then she heard Joe's pickup pull into the parking lot. He was back from meeting Derrick at the airport. Panic shot through her. She hit the monitor casing a few times in a desperate effort to stop the wildly growing numbers, then tried punching keys, ESCAPE! DELETE! UNDO!

Two truck doors slammed. Boot heels crunched on gravel.

She jumped out of the chair and onto the desk to block the computer screen with her body just as Joe stepped into the office. A tall, leanly muscled black man came in behind him.

"Hey, baby," Joe said, then frowned in curiosity at where she was sitting. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Not a thing."

Looking skeptical, he gestured to the other man. "Meet Corporal Derrick Harrelson."

"Hello, Derrick." She started to extend a hand in welcome but caught Joe trying to look behind her. She quickly shifted, reclining sideways. "We meet at last."

Derrick's eyebrows shot up, making her realize she was sprawled on the desktop like a lounge singer on a piano. "So you're, um, Maddy." He flashed a smile full of white teeth. "It's good to finally meet you." He sent Joe a look of approval.

Joe frowned at her. "You're sure everything's all right here?"

"Fine." She grinned. "Completely, one hundred percent under control."

"Because if you need help, I can ask Mom to come down and-"

"No!" She plastered her back against the computer screen. "I've got it. Seriously."

"Okay then." He hesitated. "I guess I'll leave you to it while I show Socrates to the Chief's Lodge."

"All right." She wiggled her fingers as they headed out the back door. "Good to meet you, Derrick."

The moment they were out of sight, she jumped back into the chair and looked at the screen.

The numbers had stopped going haywire. Which would have been a relief. Except that now all the little boxes were blank.

Heart racing, she pulled up the e-mail server and shot a post off, praying that at least one of her friends was online.

Message: Help! I'm making a mess and I don't know how to stop!

Amy: Calm down. I'm here. What's the newest bookkeeping disaster?

Christine: I'm here too. Lord, Maddy, when are you going to stop digging this hole deeper and start climbing out?

Amy: Ignore her. Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll try to walk you through it.

Christine: What's wrong is she won't TALK TO JOE!

Maddy: Is there an echo in here? That's all I hear anymore. Talk to Joe. Talk to Joe. Well, I'm sorry, it's not that easy! Especially when I'm messing up his business. I want out of this job so badly I could scream.

Christine: So tell him!

Maddy: What, say "Joe I love you and by the way I quit"? Yeah, that's a great start to becoming a husband/wife team running a business together. No, I have to fix this first. Help him get the camp going. And pray for the day he can afford an office assistant who understands bookkeeping. Maybe by then I'll be married and pregnant and I can quit to raise children.

Christine: I canNOT believe you said that! Another woman, yes, but not independent Maddy. Besides, if you can't say "I love you" you'll never get to say "I do."

Maddy: I told you, we're getting there in our own time and way. You don't have to make it sound like we've been dragging it out for years. I've only been here three and a half months.

Amy: Excuse me. Can we stick to the current problem, please?

Maddy deleted all of Christine's posts before responding just to Amy: I'm afraid I did something serious this time. See, I thought maybe if I opened Carol's files to see how she keeps the books for the summer camp, I could figure out how to do this. And I guess I sort of hit something I shouldn't have. Because, well, now all the numbers in all the little boxes are sort of… gone.

Amy: Oh dear.

"What have I gotten myself into?" Joe asked the world at large as he and Derrick headed for the

Chief's Lodge. "Do you think you could be more specific?"

"Maddy!" Stopping, he flung a hand toward the office.

"Ah, that narrows it down some, but I'm afraid not enough."

"I can't believe I hired her as our office manager."

"I don't know." Derrick scratched his cheeky looking back toward the office. "She looks pretty" good sitting on a desk to me. And she did a fantastic job with our promo material."

"Except she's completely incompetent at running an office." With his hands on his hips, he stared at his feet. After days of denial, the full magnitude of his blunder settled over him. "I'm going to have to fire her."

"Whoa, my man. I thought the plan was to marry her."

"It is!"

"Then might I suggest you propose before you fire her."

"Yeah." A dry laugh escaped. "Good plan."

"No, not 'plan.' " Derrick held up a finger. "Advice. I think you've done enough planning with this situation."

"No, I just need a new plan." He resumed walking, his mind racing. If only Maddy's art career would take off, he could encourage her to quit. Maybe he could do something there to help out. "Yeah, that's what I need. A new plan."

Groaning loudly, Derrick fell in step beside him.

Thank God for days off, Maddy thought as she packed for the party in Taos. If she had to spend one more minute reading software manuals that made no sense, her head would explode. Why couldn't she figure out how to make it all work? Although anytime she dealt with numbers, her brain turned to Teflon. The only reason she'd kept her math grades up in school was because of Joe and then Amy helping her.

No wonder he'd been shocked to learn she was such a good student in all her other courses.

As for the current situation, at least Joe never yelled at her the way her father yelled at her mother for every mistake, large or small. Joe just came quietly along behind her and fixed things.

Which made her feel awful. She was supposed to be helping him. Instead she was causing him more work.

Well, tomorrow they were heading for Taos, where she'd see her friends for the first time in months. Maybe if she sat down with Amy, they could figure out what she was doing wrong.

Comforted by the thought, she pulled two dresses from the closet to add to her growing pile of potential outfits for the night of the show. They were both simple, jersey knit, a flattering, forgiving fabric that could be dressed up or down. Stepping before the mirror that hung on the bathroom door, she held the hangers under her chin. The short red? Or the long black? Black was always great. Artsy. Sophisticated.

Funereal.

How appropriate.

Without warning she burst into tears. Loud, wet sobs shook her whole body.

Pressing the heel of her hand to her eyes, she wondered what was wrong with her lately. She always seemed on the verge of singing with joy or bawling her eyes out. If she hadn't just ended her period, she'd swear she was pregnant or PMSing.

She had no reason to be this way. Things were going great with Joe. Every day they were moving in the right direction, getting one step closer to the day when she would be able to say the words that felt like a living entity, trapped inside the center of her chest and struggling to get out. Christine was right; if she couldn't say "I love you," she'd never say "I do."

God, it hurt, physically hurt, not to voice those words. Once that happened, though, once she told him she loved him, maybe the rest would work out.

Who was she kidding? The rest would never work out. She was doomed to spend the rest of her life chained to the desk in the camp office, mucking up Joe's books and being miserable.

That thought drew her up short, had her sniffing back tears.

She wasn't miserable. She was happy! And she needed to stop all this stupid crying.

Moving to the sink, she splashed water on her face as her breathing steadied. She had a growing relationship with a man she adored. A new life helping him with his business. So of course she was happy.

As for her art, she hadn't given it up completely. Once the boot camp was up and running, she'd get back to it.

Lifting her head, she caught a look at her dripping face in the mirror. Good grief, she looked like hell. The curse of being a redhead was that her face turned blotchy at the first sign of tears. She ducked back down for a few more splashes of cold water, then reached for a hand towel and dared another look.

Okay, better, she decided. Not great, but not so noticeable.

She heard the slamming of a truck door and jolted. Was Joe already back from his trip into town? He and Derrick had gone to buy lumber for their obstacle course. A quick glance at the clock told her more time had passed than she'd realized. And here she was standing in nothing but her underwear so she could try on outfits as she packed.

She checked the mirror again, fluffed her hair, tried out a smile. Passable, she decided, then grabbed her robe and headed for the door. She opened it just as he reached the landing. "Hey, you're back. Great. You can help me decide what to pack."

He didn't take her into his arms for a kiss, as he normally did, or comment on her lack of attire. In fact, he didn't even return her smile.

"Do you mind if I come in?"

"What?" Since when did he ask to come in? "Of course not." Stepping back, she watched him stride to the middle of the room, wearing camouflage pants and an Army green T-shirt. His shoulders were set in a rigid line. "Is something wrong? You look upset."

He turned to face her. "I wanted to show off your artwork to Derrick, so we stopped by the gallery while we were in town."

Alarm snaked up her spine. "Oh?"

"Maddy-" He stared at her as if he'd never seen her before. "What the hell are you doing?"

"W-what do you mean?"

"Do not look at me like that!" Controlled anger vibrated in his voice. "Like you don't know what I'm talking about. Sylvia told me."

"Told you what?" Why was he so angry? What had Sylvia said?

"Everything!" He turned on his heels and paced. "I've spent the last several weeks thinking your career had somehow tanked before it even had a chance to take off, which made no sense to me. And now I learn it didn't tank. You thre.w it away! I can't begin to tell you-to explain what that means-how I feel- Christ! I can't even talk."

"Joe, I-" His fury had the blood draining from her face. "I told you, that's not the most important thing to me. Yes, I would have loved to accept her offer, but this is more important."

"This?" He shook his head, staring at her. "What 'this' are you talking about?"

"You and me." She took a step toward him. "I told you, I want a chance to make this work."

"Wait." He raised a hand to hold her off. "I thought you were talking about your art career. Why didn't you tell me you were talking about us?"

"I did. I told you I wanted to stay here and make this work."

"You could have been a bit more clear about what you meant."

"Joe-" Frustration and fear had her heart racing. "You made me promise not to say it aloud unless I meant it, so I've been too scared to say it, scared you won't believe me. You didn't believe me before, even though it was true, and I don't know if you'll believe me now. I don't care, though." The pressure in her chest rose up to fill her throat. "I'm tired of not saying it. I love you! All right. There! I said it."

"And this is how you show it?" He gestured toward her. "By lying to me?"

"What?" She gaped at him. Why wasn't he saying he loved her too? "I didn't lie to you."

"Well, you sure as hell weren't being honest. Omission is a type of lie. What I can't figure out is why. Why didn't you tell me what was going on with Sylvia? And why in the world would you pass up such a great opportunity? That makes no sense. Are you insane?"

"Because… I had to make a choice. Last time, I chose my art, my independence, myself. This time, I chose you."

"Who's asking you to choose?" His hands went up in frustration. "Have I ever asked that of you?"

"No, but…" Why was he so upset? Didn't he understand? "It didn't seem fair for me to go off chasing all that. This is more important than that. You're more important than that."

"Fair? You're not making sense." He drew up short. Held a hand out. "Wait. No. Tell me I'm wrong. You think I'm settling for less than I want. Poor Joe got shot and had to leave the Rangers. He's not good enough for what he really wants. He has to settle for half a life. A less important life than being a successful artist."

"I didn't think of it that way. Exactly." But she had. Oh God, she had!

"Fuck! I'm right." He turned his back to her, visibly struggling to rein in his temper before he faced her again. "Damn it, Maddy, you've been working with me for weeks on this. How could you not see how much I want this? How could you think I was settling, when in fact I've found something I really want to do? I'll never make a lot of money, but what I do with those kids matters. And what I'm going to do with adults matters too."

"I do see that. And I want to be a part of it. That's why I chose to stay and help."

"Well, pardon me for pointing this out, but you're not that much help."

"I can't believe you said that." The words struck her square in the chest and had her earlier tears springing back to her eyes. "I'm not stupid. I can learn."

"I didn't say you were stupid, and don't you dare cry on me." He shook a finger at her face, making her cry harder. "I'm too furious right now to deal with tears."

"Then don't insult me, because it hurts." She swiped at the wet trails running down her cheeks. "And I cry when someone hurts me."

"What do you think I'm feeling?" He stared at her with pain in his eyes. "Do you think what you did doesn't hurt? You've been pandering to me for two months!"

"I wasn't pandering to you."

"The hell you weren't! You thought I couldn't handle it if you became successful. Did you think I'd resent you?"

She bit her lips, which was answer enough.

"Jesus!"

"It's not like that. It's-" She couldn't seem to think straight. "It's about priorities. You're the one who broke up with Janice because she picked her career over family, and you're the one who said long-distance relationships were hard."

"What?" He pressed fingertips to his forehead. "Okay, first of all, Janice has nothing to do with us, especially since there are thousands of women who have careers and still manage to make family a top priority. And second, when I said long-distance relationships were hard, I was thinking about you moving back to Austin and how much I didn't want to fly back and forth constantly just to see you- even though I was fully prepared to do that."

"You were?"

"Yes, damn it! But instead, I offered you a job to keep you here. Frankly, I'm beginning to think flying back and forth would have been easier."

"Don't insult me!" She balled her fists, angry now too.

"You insulted me by thinking my male ego couldn't handle it if you became successful."

"I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, well, I am too." He shook his head with a look of disbelief. "I really thought we had a chance this time."

Fear hit her like a bolt of lightning. "What are you saying?"

"That I can't be with a woman who keeps things from me. Especially when she thinks so little of me that she thinks she has to be less in order to make me feel like I'm more."

"I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to put you first."

"I never asked you to. And you never gave me the chance to tell you to go for it. Or didn't it occur to you that we could have worked all this out?"

Her body started shaking. "Are you saying we can't now?"

"I don't know! I can't think straight. Jesus!" He turned away from her, as if he couldn't bear to look at her. "I think you should go to Taos alone. Maybe we can talk when you get back."

He strode toward the door.

"Joe, no! Don't go!"

He stopped with his hand on the doorknob.

Tears coursed down her cheeks. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. Please don't leave me."

He turned back, came toward her with longstrides and pulled her hard into his arms. "Goddamn it." His eyes blazed into hers. "I don't want to lose you. Not again. It nearly killed me the first time. I don't want to lose you all over again."

His mouth crushed down on hers, full of fear and fury. She kissed him back, weeping. His mouth left hers, kissing the tears from her cheeks.

"You don't have to lose me," she whispered hoarsely. "I won't let you. I love you."

Her head spun as he lifted her and laid her on the bed, coming down with her. I won't let you lose me. She caressed the hard lines of his face as he jerked at the belt of her robe. When his hands shook, she helped him untie it. I love you!

Desperate to touch him, she pulled his T-shirt free from his pants as he jerked the robe down her arms. She freed her arms and removed her bra, then gasped as his mouth moved to her breasts, hungry and demanding. She stroked his shoulders, feeling the hard muscles bunch as he jerked off her panties and tossed them to the floor.

Everything inside her clamored with need, but it was a need driven by fear rather than desire, a need of the heart, not the body.

When she was naked beneath him, he freed his erection and drove into her. She gasped at the shock of it, the hard invasion into dry flesh. Until that moment she hadn't even noticed her lack of response. Her eyes snapped wide in pain to find him frozen above her, his weight braced on straight arm.

Horror filled his eyes. "Oh my God. Maddy." He came down over her, cradling her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He rained kisses over her face and tried to ease his body from hers.

"No, don't!" She clamped her legs about him, pulling him back. "Don't leave me."

"Okay, I won't move. Am I still hurting you?"

"Don't leave me." She lifted her hips, forcing him deeper, biting her lip against the increase in pain.

"Maddy, baby, hold still. I'm hurting you."

"I don't care." The physical pain began to ebb, while the pain in her heart grew. "Don't leave me." She kissed his jaw as her hips continued to move, back and forth. Slowly she warmed and softened around him. "Please."

"Maddy, you have to stop."

She felt his whole body strain with his effort to hold still against her. He straightened his*arms again, gathering his strength and will to pull out of her.

"Stay." She looked up at his taut face, into his dark eyes as she lifted her hips into him, held him fully and deeply inside her.

"Maddy, I can't-" With a curse, he turned his head, his jaw clenched.

Stay with me. Love me. On one slow glide, she let her hips fall, slowly, slowly, till he almost slid from her body, then she lifted again. When she held him fully once more, squeezing tightly around him, his head fell back.

"Oh God." His restraint broke. He moved in her, with her, his whole body working like one big wave, riding toward fulfillment, release. Lowering over her, he held her, comforting her even as he pounded harder into her. She tightened her arms about him and welcomed every jarring thrust, needing him so much, tears came back to her eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing the tears away as his body gathered, focused, drove him toward its own selfish goal. Some small, functioning part of his brain knew her own release was a long way off, but his body didn't care.

The climax hit him with such a vicious punch that his body jerked from the force of it, then trembled as the pleasure kept on and on. When the storm ended, he collapsed against her, fearing his heart would thunder out of his chest.

His mind cleared by degrees, became aware of her arms wrapped tightly about him, her tear-stained face buried against his shoulder.

Mortified, he realized he was still hard from the adrenaline pumping through his body. Not as hard as before, but enough to cause her discomfort if she was raw. How could he have done this? Even though she'd encouraged him, there was no excuse for continuing once he realized she wasn't aroused.

Hating himself, he eased from her, wincing when she winced. He shifted to lie beside her, brushed the hair back from her face. Looking at her, meeting her eyes, was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Her eyes were red from crying, filled with pain, but no accusation. "How badly did I hurt you?"

"You didn't really. Not the way you mean." She blinked against a fresh rise of tears. "Will you hold me?"

He felt as if a giant fist reached inside his chest and squeezed around his heart. "Of course."

She snuggled against his chest, burrowing into him as his arms went around her. Reaching past her, he gathered the bedspread and covered her, tucking it between their bodies. He rubbed her arms, struggling with what to say. Before he could decide, her breathing evened out and she fell asleep.

He lay a long time, holding her, listening to her shallow breaths, still aching with anger and confu-sipn. Even in this, this mindless eruption of angry sex, she'd put herself aside for him. He wanted to shake her and comfort her and never hurt her again.

Most of all, he wanted to understand her. Which, of course, he never would.

Could he live with that, though? Live with a woman who had the power to rip out his guts with-out even realizing what she was doing? She would never intentionally hurt anyone, but God in heaven, she'd hurt him. She'd goddamn eviscerated him. And he wasn't sure she even got that.

He shifted to see her face, relaxed now in sleep but still ravaged by her tears. What am I going to do with you, Maddy?

Long minutes later, he rose, righted his clothes, and moved quietly toward the door.

"Joe?" She stirred behind him. "Don't go."

"Maddy-" He couldn't even turn to face her. "I can't talk right now. Go to Taos without me. We'll talk when you get back."

The following morning, Joe stood at the kitchen sink, his mind still numb with confusion. Renewed pain stabbed him when he looked out the window just as Maddy drove by. She glanced over long enough for their gazes to meet, and then the car carried her on, down the hill toward the gate.

A part of him was still so angry he wanted to throw his coffee mug into the sink and shatter it into a million pieces, while another part wanted to break down and cry as openly as she had.

Out of nowhere, the image of the Colonel sprang to mind, adding a ripping sense of grief to the pain already inside him. "I wish you were here, Dad. So you could tell me what to do."