Baby proof

eight

The follow-up phone calls come fast and furious, and it is clear, by the pattern and intervals between messages, that the callers are in cahoots: Maura, Daphne, Dad, Maura, Daphne, Dad. My mother's messages are more random-just as she always is.

I take my time before I phone anyone back, which is a good decision because I can tell they've moved beyond their hysteria when we finally talk. I can also tell that they've come up with a unified party line-we just want what's best for you, and although we dearly love Ben, we are on your side. I credit Maura's fancy Upper East Side therapist, Cheryl Fishstein, for this reaction. Being rational and calm is never the first instinct in my family.

The only comment that throws me for a loop is Daphne's request to contact Ben.

"And say what?" I say.

"And say that I'm sorry you guys couldn't work things out… That I'll miss him… Maybe ask him how he's doing… But I'll only call if it's okay with you."

I tell her that she can do whatever she wants, but I don't want to hear the details of their conversation-which will likely revolve around how much both of them want babies. (In point of fact, Daphne actually started this conversation with the report that she got her period; I think I know Daphne's menstrual cycle better than I know my own.)

"Has his family contacted you?" she asks.

I tell her no. It occurs to me that this should hurt my feelings, but for some reason it doesn't. I think Ben's family respected me and liked me, but I never sensed real warmth between us. So their silence now is not a big surprise. And I think to truly get your feelings hurt, something has to come as a surprise. (Maybe this is why I'm immune to my own mother's actions.) I'm sure Ben's mother will send me a note at some point on her formal, monogrammed stationery. She's probably just reviewing her Anne Landers clippings for what exactly one should say to one's ex-daughter-in-law. Unless she's too busy getting started on her quilt for Ben's firstborn, that is.

The following Saturday afternoon I am traipsing across the Brooklyn Bridge with Michael in a throng of walkers, runners, and bikers, as he swears to me how therapeutic the view will be at the halfway point. We are here because yesterday at work I confessed that I was a little bit depressed. He stood across from my desk and said, "Of course you are. It would be weird if you weren't depressed."

Then he said he had an idea of something that might cheer me up, did I have plans for the next afternoon? I told him no, when you shift from married to divorced as abruptly as I have, it tends to do a number on your weekends. I told him that Jess and I had planned on making it out to the Hamptons, but she had a last-minute "business trip" (which is really a boondoggle to see Trey). Michael told me to be at his place in Alphabet City at ten. I sensed that it was a pity-invite but decided not to let pride get in the way of a good time. And Michael is always a good time.

So this morning, we met near his apartment, and now here we are on the Brooklyn Bridge pedestrian walkway. It is a hot June day-hotter than June usually gets in New York-and it's made even warmer by the sunlight reflecting off all the steel. Our pace is sluggish, and people pass us on both sides.

I keep thinking of how this is my first summer without Ben in a very long time. My first change of season without him. I haven't spoken to him at all in almost two months. Our divorce is final-the papers came in the mail a few days earlier, arriving without ceremony or fanfare. I filed them along with my birth certificate and social security card in a green hanging file marked important documents. And that was that.

I am thinking of the word ex-husband now-how both sad and oddly sophisticated it sounds-while Michael is saying something about the bridge's foundation being made of wood.

"You'd think the wood would rot and decay, wouldn't you?" Michael says.

"Yeah," I say. "But Venice is built on wood and it's a hell of a lot older than this."

"Good point," he says. "Maybe the bacteria that rots wood needs air to live?"

"I dunno," I say.

Ex-husband. Ex-husband. Ex-husband.

"So you've crossed this bridge before?" I ask Michael.

"Yeah. A few times… including a few days after September eleventh. It really gives you a sense of perspective. You'll see what I mean," he says. "It's the urban equivalent of going on a hike. Very peaceful."

I look ahead at the stone Gothic towers and backdrop of cobalt-blue sky, crisscrossed by a lacework of suspension cables. It creates an awesome visual effect, but I still tell Michael that I've always put the Brooklyn Bridge on par with the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

"New York landmarks are typically better on a postcard. Or from above on an airplane," I say, swerving to avoid full-body contact with an obese, wheezing man in a Derek Jeter jersey. "Away from the grime and crowds."

Michael smiles knowingly. "You can be a bit of an elitist, you know."

"I'm hardly an elitist," I say.

"Well, with comments like that one, I'd say you're certainly not down with the people," he says. I can tell he's mentally preparing his checklist of examples. Most people can't think of examples in the clutch, but Michael can always conjure up a good set of facts to use against you.

"I'm down with the people," I say.

Sure enough, he says, "Nuh-uh. You don't like amusement parks. You don't like fans who wave those big Styrofoam fingers at Knicks games. You wouldn't be caught dead in Times Square on New Year's Eve."

"Neither would you," I say. "Name someone we know who would?"

He holds his hand up and walks at a faster clip. "And," he says, signaling his grand finale, "you hated Titanic. For God's sake, I don't know another chick who hated Titanic. It's practically un-American to hate Titanic."

"I didn't hate it," I say, thinking of the Oscars from years ago. "I just didn't think it was best-picture material."

"You're not down with the people," he says again.

I think for a second and then say, "I take the subway. You can't get much more down with the people than that."

"Mere convenience."

"No. I actually like the subway."

"Bullshit. I've watched the way you gingerly hold on to the pole," he says, imitating my grip. "And make sure your legs don't touch the person next to you. And you use that antibacterial gel afterward."

I shake my head. "So I have a mild case of OCD… What's your point, anyway?"

"My point is… your standards are too high."

"In movies? Public transportation?"

"In general."

I have the distinct feeling we are about to cover my personal life. Michael's been telling me for weeks that I need to get back on my horse. Check out Match.com. Pick up a random, pretty stranger at a bar. I told him that I wasn't interested in random guys, pretty or otherwise.

"I know Ben was the man and all…" Michael says. The way he says it makes me think that he doesn't think Ben was the man at all. "But-"

I interrupt him and say, "I knew this was about my love life. Jeez, Michael, I've only been divorced for a few days."

He looks over his shoulder as if we're being followed and says, "I know. But you've been separated for longer… And in my experience, after a bad breakup-and I think a divorce qualifies-it helps to just go ahead and get the first hookup over with. Take the plunge."

"Are you volunteering?"

He looks at me and grins. "Are you taking volunteers?"

"No, I say. I'm not."

"I didn't think so… But if you change your mind, I'd be up for it."

"Are you trying to tell me something, Michael? Have you been secretly in love with me all these many years?" I joke back, giving him a sideways once-over. He is wearing a canary-yellow T-shirt, Adidas flip-flops, and khaki cargo shorts that show off his long, sinewy calves. There's something about the confident way he walks, slightly bow-legged, that hints at high marks in bed.

He smirks. "Nah. Don't worry. I'm not trying to get all Harry Met Sally on you or anything… I just think you should know that I'm always willing to help out a friend."

"Help me out?" I say. "Aren't you in a bit of a drought yourself?"

"Six weeks does not a drought make," he says. Then he clears his throat and says, "Look. I'm just saying that I think you're very attractive. A solid eight. So if you need a volunteer or anything, I'm here for you."

"Gee," I say. "Who needs the view from the Brooklyn Bridge with that kind of pep talk?"

Michael smiles as he leads me over to the side of the bridge. "This is a good spot," he says.

I follow him and look across the sparkling water toward Manhattan. The skyline is stunning, even without the World Trade Center. Around us, people are snapping photos and pointing out landmarks. I look down the bridge toward Brooklyn and see a teenaged girl flash a peace sign and then blow a kiss at a boy approaching her. I imagine their earlier conversation: Meet me on the Brooklyn Bridge, baby. I close my eyes, listen to a helicopter overhead, and feel a breeze against my face.

After a long moment, I reach into my pocket for my wedding ring, which I brought with me at the last minute. I give it one last look, running my hand along the inside engraving-FOREVER, BEN. Then I roll my shoulder back and forth to loosen my muscles before chucking it overhand into the East River. I am proud of my nongirly, hard throw, a benefit of having no brothers and a father who adores baseball; he poured all his effort into me. I try to keep my eye on it to see the precise spot it drops, but lose sight of it about halfway down, the platinum band getting lost in the background of the pewter-colored river.

"Was that what I think it was?" Michael says. He looks impressed.

"Yup," I say, squinting down at the water.

His black eyebrows arch high over his Oakleys. "Rather Titanic-esque, huh?"

I laugh. "See that? Rose and I have a lot in common."

"Seriously. That was a strong move," Michael says.

"Thanks."

"Almost makes me want to kiss you," he says. "The cherry on top of your little ceremony, ya know?"

I consider his proposition for a moment and the fact that it might add a little texture to our friendship. Whenever I get that inevitable question, the one always posed to male-female friends: "Have you two ever kissed or anything?" I can say, "Indeed we have. Once upon a time, right after I hurled my wedding ring off the Brooklyn Bridge." It would make a good story in my romantic repertoire, one that Jess would surely enjoy-particularly because she thinks Michael is hot. Besides, maybe a simple kiss, like my symbolic ring toss, could serve as a catalyst of sorts.

Even though I think Michael's mostly kidding, I fleetingly study his full lips and think I'm going to do it. But I hesitate one second too long, leaving the realm of spontaneity and entering into awkward territory. I decide it's for the best. Why complicate my life by kissing a friend, especially a friend from work?

I look back toward the skyline and shrug noncommittally. "Would you settle for getting loaded in Brooklyn?" "Sure," Michael says. "Twist my arm."

We cross the bridge into Brooklyn, not breaking stride once until we arrive at Superfine, a restaurant on Front Street that Michael says has great food and a good, casual atmosphere. The tables are all full so we sit in the bar in a blast of blissful air-conditioning. I curl my legs around my stool as Michael asks the bartender, an older woman wearing pigtails (which I think is a frightful combination), what they have on tap. She rattles off our choices. Nothing grabs our fancy so we order two Heinekens in bottles. Michael says we'll be starting a tab. I gulp my first beer quickly, more for thirst than taste. Then, while Michael sticks with beer, I ramp it up with a dirty martini. Michael raises his eyebrows and smiles.

We order one burrito, and split it because it's huge. We also share an order of fries. Despite the food, I still catch a strong buzz quickly. Time begins to fall away, along with any thoughts of Ben. Michael and I talk about the books we're working on and people at work. Then I tell him the latest scoop on Jess's relationship with Trey, knowing that she wouldn't mind. Jess is very open with details of her life.

I remove a vodka-soaked olive from my toothpick and pop it into my mouth, telling myself to slow my pace. I need to stay in the buzzed, lighthearted zone and out of the morose, drunk one. Of course, that's a tall order when you're dealing with martinis. And the more I drink, the more my thoughts drift back to Ben.

At one point, I can't help blurting out, "I didn't think I'd miss him this much."

Michael runs his hand along the sides of his glass and then wipes the condensation on his shorts as he says, "So what exactly went down there anyway?"

I answer quickly, "We wanted different things."

He rolls his eyes. "Jesus, Claudia. That's worse than the 'we grew apart' song and dance."

"Fine," I say. "Ben wanted a baby."

"And you?"

I pause and then say, "I didn't-don't-want a baby."

"What do you want?"

Nobody has ever posed the question quite like this before, and I have to think for a minute before I can answer. "I want a really good, committed relationship. I want close friends and good times. Like right now… I want freedom to do my job well without feeling guilty or beholden to anyone. I want freedom generally."

"Oh," Michael says, and then takes a long swallow of beer. "I see."

"Tell me what you're thinking," I say, recognizing that you're more likely to invite or tolerate criticism when someone isn't so free with it.

"I don't know," he says. "It's just that… being married cuts down on your freedom. Having a husband-or a relationship at all-puts constraints on you. You handled that fine. I don't think I could deal with those sorts of constraints. It's why I had to call it quits with Maya," he says, referring to his ex-girlfriend. It was Michael's most serious relationship to date, one that he ended when she demanded a ring-or at the very least, a key to his apartment. He continues, "I was so afraid that I wouldn't be good at it that I didn't even want to try… It seems to me that you left Ben more because of fear than anything else."

"Fear of what?" I say.

He shrugs and then says, "Fear of failure. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown."

I look at him, feeling dizzy.

"And yet, here you are anyway…" he says, his voice trailing off.

He doesn't have to say the rest. I know the rest. Here I am anyway, facing all of the above. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of the unknown. And right here, in a bar under a bridge in Brooklyn, I feel a very small pang of regret.

Michael says he has to get back home, that he has a hot date tonight. Actually, he doesn't say it's hot, but I assume that part. Michael only dates hot women. So we take the subway back to Manhattan and part ways on the Lower East Side.

"Are you going to be all right?" Michael asks.

"Yeah," I say, kissing his cheek. "Thanks for today."

"It was my pleasure," he says, tipping an imaginary hat.

As we say good-bye, I wonder if, come Monday morning, I will confess to Michael the very stupid thing I'm about to do.