Big Girl: A Novel

“That happens to brides sometimes. She sounds completely unreasonable.”

“She is. She wants her dream wedding. And she shouldn’t be marrying this guy at all. She’ll wind up like my mother, and I don’t want that to happen to her.”

“You can’t alter that,” the doctor reminded her. “The only person you can control is yourself.” Victoria was beginning to understand that, but it was painful to watch Grace become just like their parents. Victoria felt better when she left the psychiatrist’s office. She spent an hour on the treadmill when she got home, and then she went to the gym.

Victoria came back at eight o’clock, and she was so exhausted, she went to bed. Gracie had sent her two texts that day, thanking her again. Victoria felt guilty about being so upset about the weekend. Although Gracie had thought it was fabulous, it hadn’t been fun for her. She could hardly wait for the wedding to be over, so they could spend some decent time together again. It was going to be a long eight months.

The next day Victoria went to Weight Watchers before she went to work. She confessed her sins to one of the counselors and submitted to the weigh-in. She had already lost two of the pounds she’d gained on the weekend, which was a relief, and she was back on track again.

She taught three classes back to back before lunch, and she was just leaving her classroom and heading for her office, when she saw one of her students crying in the hall. The girl had a look of despair on her face, and she darted into the ladies’ room when she saw Victoria coming, which worried her. She followed her inside and found her in the bathroom alone.

“Are you okay?” Victoria asked her cautiously. The girl’s name was Amy Green, she was a good student, and Victoria knew from the grapevine that the girl’s parents were getting divorced.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Amy said, dissolving into tears again. Victoria handed her several tissues, and Amy blew her nose and looked embarrassed.

“Is there anything I can do?” The girl shook her head, speechless with despair. “Do you want to come to my office for a few minutes, or go for a walk?” Amy hesitated, and then nodded. Victoria had always been nice to her, and Amy thought she was “cool.”

Her office was only a few doors away, and Amy followed her. Victoria closed the door as soon as Amy walked in, and she waved her to a chair. Victoria poured some bottled water into a glass and handed it to her, while Amy dissolved into uncontrollable sobs again. Things weren’t looking good. Victoria sat quietly waiting for her to calm down. And then finally Amy looked at her in utter terror.

“I’m pregnant,” she sobbed. “I didn’t even know. I just found out yesterday.” And it was easy to guess who the boy was. She had been dating the same one for two years, and he was a nice kid. They were both graduating in June. It suddenly pushed all thoughts of her sister’s wedding from Victoria’s mind.

“Have you told your mom yet?” Victoria asked quietly, handing her more tissues.

“I can’t. She’ll kill me. She’s upset about the divorce.” Her father had left for another woman, and Victoria had heard rumors about it. “And now this. I don’t know what to do.”

“Does Justin know?”

Amy nodded. “We just went to the doctor. We used a condom, and it broke. And I stopped taking the Pill because it made me sick.”

“Shit,” Victoria said, and Amy laughed through her tears.

“You can say that again.”

“Okay, shit.” This time they both laughed, although it was no laughing matter. “Do you know what you want to do about it?” It was a decision she would have to make with her parents, but Victoria could listen.

“I don’t know. I’m too young to have a baby. But I don’t want to have an abortion. Will they kick me out of school?” She looked panicked, and was suddenly sorry she had told her.

“I don’t know,” Victoria said honestly. In her seven years at the school, she had never dealt with this before. She knew other students had gotten pregnant, and she had heard about it, but she had never been in the front lines or the first to know. Those things were usually handled by the counseling staff, the dean of students, or the headmaster. She was just an English teacher, even if she was the head of the department. But she was a woman and could relate to this young girl, although it had never happened to her. And she hated not to have Amy graduate. She had a real shot at Yale or Harvard, and all the first-rate schools she had applied to. “Maybe we can work something out.” She knew they had never allowed a pregnant student to attend classes. “I think you need to talk to your mom first.”

“It’ll kill her.”

“No, it won’t. Things like this happen, to lots of people. You just have to find the right solution, whatever that is. That’s up to you and your mom. Do you want me to talk to her with you?”

“No. I think she’d be mad I told you first,” Amy said with a sigh, and took a sip of the water. She had calmed down. But she had some tough decisions to make. She was seventeen years old, and had a bright future ahead of her, without a baby. With one, it would be a lot harder. “Justin said he’d talk to her with me. He wants me to keep it, and maybe we can get married one day.” She looked sad as she said it. She didn’t feel ready for a baby, or marriage, but the alternative sounded worse to her.

Victoria jotted her cell phone number down on a piece of paper and handed it to her. “Call me anytime, at any hour. I’ll do anything I can to help. And if you talk to Mr. Walker, maybe I can help out there.” She didn’t want her to get kicked out or suspended. She wanted her to finish school, which was what Amy wanted too.

They left her office together a few minutes later, and Victoria gave her a hug before Amy went to find Justin in the cafeteria. And she saw them leave school together after lunch. She hoped she was going home to see her mother. And the following day she didn’t come to school. And then Amy called her. She said they were meeting with Mr. Walker that afternoon after school, and she asked Victoria to be there. She agreed to do it, and she was waiting outside his office when Amy and her mother arrived. Amy looked as if she’d been crying, and her mother looked bleak. Amy smiled as soon as she saw Victoria, and her mother thanked her for coming.

The headmaster was expecting them, and stood up as soon as they walked into the room. He looked surprised to see Victoria, and invited them all to sit down. He looked concerned. He hadn’t heard of any problem Amy was having at school, and he had no idea why they were there. He assumed it was something to do with the divorce, and hoped she wasn’t changing schools. She was an excellent student, and they would be sorry to lose her if she did. He looked startled when Mrs. Green told him that Amy was pregnant. He looked instantly sorry for her. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, but it was always a tough situation for the student and the school. Mrs. Green said the baby was due in May. And then she amazed Victoria and the headmaster by saying that Amy had decided to keep it. Her mother was going to take care of the baby when Amy went to college in the fall. She had applied to Barnard and NYU, and could stay home with the baby. Amy’s mother was being very supportive about it, and Amy looked less upset than she had two days before.

“What we need to know,” Mrs. Green said as calmly as she could, “is if Amy can stay at school here, or if we have to remove her from the school.” It was one of their biggest fears at the moment and would probably impact whether she went to college if her senior year were completely disrupted.

“Amy, how would you feel about being here?” the headmaster asked her directly. “Would that be too hard on you, with everyone talking and aware of your situation?”

“No. Since I’m keeping the baby anyway.” She smiled gratefully at her mother, and Victoria could see that it hadn’t been an easy decision, but she thought they had made the right one. She thought having the baby and giving it up would be a huge mistake and much more traumatic to Amy than the adjustments she would have to make now. And if her mother was willing to help, she could go on with her life. “I’d rather stay here,” Amy said honestly, and the headmaster nodded. He had never allowed a pregnant student to stay in school, but he didn’t want to destroy her academic career either. He had a responsibility to her as well as the other students. He was trying to figure out how soon it would show.

“I could put you on independent study, but the college that accepts you might not like it. When is the baby due again?”

“The first of May,” Amy told him.

“We have a long break in April for spring vacation,” he said, thinking out loud. “That will take us to the end of April. What if you stay until spring vacation, and stay home after that to have the baby? Then you can come back to school by the end of May to take final exams and graduate with your class in June. It won’t disrupt you too badly academically, and I think we can make it work here. I’ve had students stay out longer with mono. And I don’t want you to blow senior year. This will be a first for us, but we can live with it if you can,” he said, looking at both of them, and Amy nodded and started to cry again. She was so relieved. Victoria hadn’t said a word, but she had been there to support her. Amy’s mother thanked the headmaster profusely, and they left the room a few minutes later. Justin was waiting for them outside, looking worried. Amy smiled at him the minute they came out, and he put his arms around her as her mother and Victoria watched. He was very sweet to her and very protective, and Victoria was hopeful for them both. Maybe things would work out, with her mother’s help.

“They’re letting me stay,” Amy told Justin, beaming. “Mr. Walker was really nice. I’ll stay till spring vacation and come back after the baby for final exams and graduation.” Justin looked like a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders too. They were both really good kids, and everyone was committed to help them.

“Thank you,” Justin said to Victoria and Amy’s mother.

“I didn’t do anything,” Victoria corrected immediately, and Amy intervened.

“Yes, you did. You listened to me the other day, and helped me get up the courage to tell my mom. We went to see her right after I saw you.”

“I’m glad,” Victoria said quietly. “I think you’ve all made some good decisions, and some very challenging ones, I’m sure.” There was no ideal resolution, but this was the best they could all do.

“Thank you for your support,” Amy’s mother said to Victoria in a choked voice, and the three of them left the school a few minutes later to go home.

It made Victoria think of her sister. She was glad nothing like that had ever happened to her. She knew it could happen to anyone. And Mrs. Green was being particularly understanding about it. Amy and Justin were handling it well too, and being very brave. She was still thinking about them when she went home that night. Amy came to Victoria’s classroom to thank her again the next day. Justin was glued to her side, as he had been for two years, and Amy looked better than she had in days. It was going to be an interesting school year with a pregnant student in their midst. And as the headmaster had said, it was a first. Victoria couldn’t help thinking that there was never a dull moment with kids.

Chapter 19

As she did every year, Victoria flew to L.A. for Thanksgiving. It was going to be different this year because Harry had agreed to join them. It was a prelude to what it would be like when he and Gracie were married. And when Victoria got to the house on Wednesday night, her mother was in a flap setting the table with their best linens and Gracie was nowhere to be seen. She and Harry were out having dinner with his sister, who was going to her in-laws’ the next day. Their parents were away, so Harry was having Thanksgiving with the Dawsons instead. And her parents were acting as though a head of state was going to be with them. Their best everything was being used, which seemed silly to Victoria. But she helped her mother set the table as soon as she arrived. They were using her grandmother’s linens and crystal, and Christine’s own wedding plates.

“Gee, Mom, do we really have to go to all this trouble for him? I can’t remember you ever using these plates before.”

“I haven’t in twenty years,” she admitted sheepishly. “Your father wants me to. He thinks Harry is used to only the finest, and he doesn’t want him to think we don’t have nice things.” It gave Victoria a sudden urge to turn Thanksgiving into a backyard barbecue and use paper plates. It seemed so pretentious to go to such lengths for a twenty-seven-year-old kid, who was about to be family after all. But her parents were showing off. Harry would probably have been just as happy with their everyday plates, which he had seen before, and were perfectly fine. It turned their holiday into a much bigger deal than it usually was.

Gracie came home at midnight and raved about how adorable Harry’s sister was, and what a good time she’d had with them, although she’d met her before. But they were going to be sisters-in-law now. His sister supposedly had a nice husband and two children. And Victoria missed the days when Gracie talked about something other than the Wilkeses and the wedding. And she still hadn’t accepted the fact that she had to wear the brown dress at the wedding. It was impossible to get Gracie’s feet on the ground these days and talk about anything other than the wedding.

“Maybe you should get a job,” Victoria said sensibly. “It would give you something else to think about till the wedding.”

“I don’t think Harry wants me to,” Gracie said meekly about the job.

“She doesn’t have time,” their mother added. “She has too much to do for the wedding. We still have to order the invitations and pick out everything for her registry in three stores. Harry wants to find an apartment, and she has to help him with that. We’re still waiting for the sketches from Vera Wang, and Oscar de la Renta is also doing some sketches of wedding gowns that would go with the bridesmaid dresses. She hasn’t picked the cake. We have to meet with the caterer, the florist. We need a band. We’re not sure about which church. And then she’ll have to have fittings for the dress, be photographed in it. There will probably be counseling at the church. She doesn’t have time for work. She’ll be busy every day with the wedding.” Victoria was exhausted just listening to the list, and her mother looked it. It had become a full-time preoccupation for both of them, and seemed ridiculous to Victoria. Other people managed to work and get married. But not Gracie.

“This must be costing a fortune,” Victoria commented to her father the next morning while her mother was basting the turkey, wearing a white wool Chanel suit and an apron. They had gotten very fancy. Victoria was wearing gray wool slacks and a white sweater, which seemed like enough for their usual Thanksgiving. They didn’t normally get this dressed up or make as much effort. But a new day had dawned ever since Gracie was engaged to Harry. Victoria thought it was absurd and inappropriate, and didn’t want to join in.

“You’re damn right it’s costing a fortune,” her father confirmed. “But they’re a very important family. I don’t want Gracie to be embarrassed. Don’t expect something like this if you ever get married,” he warned her. “If you find some guy to marry, you’d better elope. We couldn’t do this again.” She felt as though he had slapped her. As usual, she was being informed that Gracie deserved a wedding fit for a princess, but if she ever married, which her father considered unlikely, she’d better plan on eloping, because they weren’t giving her a wedding. How nice. And how clear. Welcome to second-class citizenship, again. The family was going first class, and she had to go steerage. They were always singling her out to be different and “lesser than” everyone else, or a failure. She wondered why they didn’t just put up a sign on the door to her room, “We don’t love you.” Her parents said it every way they could, and for a minute she was sorry she had come home. She could have had Thanksgiving with Harlan and John at her apartment. They were having friends over that day, and she was sure she’d have been more welcome than she was here. She couldn’t have felt less welcome and less loved after what her father had just said. She didn’t mention the wedding again. It was becoming a sore subject with her, even if it was the only thing her sister ever thought of now. And when Harry arrived at noon, it got worse.

Everyone got nervous and started running around. Her father served champagne instead of wine. Her mother was anxious about the turkey. Victoria was helping in the kitchen, and Harry and Gracie went outside and were whispering and giggling, while her parents made fools of themselves. And once they got to the table, her father and Harry talked politics. Harry told them what was wrong with the country and what should be done to fix it, and her father agreed. Every time Gracie started to say something, Harry cut her off, or finished the sentence for her. She had no voice and no opinions, and none were allowed about anything but the wedding. It was no wonder she talked about it all the time, it was the only thing Harry would let her talk about. Victoria had always found him annoying while they were dating, but he was insufferable now and pompous beyond belief. Between Harry and her father, she wanted to scream. Gracie played stupid all the time now, to please Harry, and her mother kept running back and forth to the kitchen. Victoria didn’t have an intelligent conversation with anyone all afternoon. And she finally walked out into the backyard after the meal to get some air. She was horrified by what Gracie was getting herself into. And when she came outside to find Victoria, her older sister looked at her in despair.

“Baby, you’re smarter than this. What are you doing? Harry doesn’t even let you say anything. How can you be happy like this? There’s life after the wedding. You can’t be with a man who runs you over all the time and tells you what to think.”

“He doesn’t do that,” Gracie said, looking upset by what her sister had said. “He’s wonderful to me.”

“I’m sure he is. But he treats you like a doll with no brain.” Gracie looked shocked, and she started to cry as Victoria tried to hug her, and Gracie wouldn’t let her.

“How can you say something like that?”

“Because I love you, and I don’t want you to screw up your life.” It was as blunt and honest as she could be, and she thought it needed to be said.

“I’m not. I love him, and he loves me. And he makes me happy.”

“He’s just like Dad. He doesn’t listen to Mom either. None of us do. We just listen to him. And she goes out and plays bridge. Is that who you want to be when you grow up? You should have a job and something intelligent to do now. You’re a smart girl, Gracie. I know that’s a sin in this family. But in the real world, it’s a good thing.”

“You’re just jealous,” Gracie said angrily. “And you’re mad about the brown dress.” She sounded like a petulant child.

“I’m not mad. I’m disappointed you’re making me wear something that I’ll look awful in. But if it’s important to you, I’ll wear it. I just wish you’d have picked something I’ll look good in too, not just your friends. It’s your wedding, you call the shots. I just don’t want you to give up your brain at the altar and trade it for a wedding ring. I think that would be a very bad trade.”

“I think you’re being a bitch!” Gracie said, and stomped back inside, as Victoria stood outside and wondered how soon she could leave and fly back to New York. The next plane wouldn’t be too soon for her. They were so busy showing off for Harry and trying to impress him that the holiday had been totally destroyed for her. She went back inside and had coffee with the others, and Victoria didn’t say anything. Gracie was sitting on the couch next to Harry, and a few minutes later Victoria went out to the kitchen to help her mother do the dishes. They all had to be washed by hand, they were so delicate. Her father stayed in the living room to talk to Harry. It had been a hard day for Victoria. They felt even more like someone else’s family now. Everyone had a place and a role here except her. Her role was that of misfit and outcast, and it wasn’t one she enjoyed.

“The turkey was good, Mom,” she said as she dried the dishes.

“I thought it was too dry. I got nervous and left it in too long. I wanted everything to be perfect for Harry.” Victoria wanted to ask her why. What difference did it make, if he was going to be family? He wasn’t a king or the pope. She had never seen so much fuss made for anyone who visited them before. “He’s used to all the finer things in life,” her mother added with a smile. “Gracie will have a wonderful life with him.” Victoria wasn’t so sure. In fact, she was sure Gracie wouldn’t if he never let her finish a sentence or say a word. He was a handsome, intelligent man from a wealthy family, but Victoria would have preferred being alone forever to being married to him. She thought her sister was making a terrible mistake. He was insensitive, opinionated, domineering, full of himself, and he seemed to have no respect for Gracie as a person, just as a decoration or a toy. She was marrying their father, or maybe worse.

Victoria didn’t say another word about it for the rest of the day and evening, and she tried to make peace with her sister the next day. They met for lunch at Fred Segal’s, which had always been one of their favorite places, and Gracie still looked unhappy about what Victoria had said the day before. But she warmed up halfway through lunch. And Victoria was so upset, she ate a full plate of pesto pasta, and the entire basket of bread. She realized that being around her family was what made her eat excessive amounts, but she couldn’t help herself.

“When are you going back?” Gracie asked her as Victoria paid the check. Gracie looked as though she had forgiven her by the end of lunch, which was something of a relief. She didn’t want to leave on bad terms.

“I think I’ll go back tomorrow,” Victoria said quietly. “I have a lot of work to do.” Gracie didn’t argue with her. She knew they were out of step with each other these days. Gracie thought it was just the pressure of the wedding, but Victoria knew it was deeper than that, and it made her sad. She felt as though she were losing her baby sister to “them.” That had never happened before, and Harry had added his weight to theirs, and he was one of “them” too. Victoria felt like an orphan as never before, and it was the loneliest feeling in the world. For once, food wouldn’t dull the pain. She hadn’t even eaten dessert on Thanksgiving, and she usually loved pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Her father didn’t notice Victoria’s abstinence, but if she had eaten dessert, he would have commented on that, and the size of the portion she took. There was no winning with them. It was hopeless.

She made a reservation for a flight on Saturday morning, and she had dinner with her parents on Friday night. Grace was at Harry’s, and Victoria called her when she left. They all said they’d see her at Christmas, but she had made a decision. She wasn’t coming back to L.A. for Christmas. She didn’t tell them, but she knew there was no point. There was nothing for her to come back to. She’d be there for the wedding, and not before. She was going to spend Christmas with Harlan and John. That was her home now, not this. It was a major step for her. She felt like she had lost her little sister, who had been her only ally for years, and no longer was.

Her father took her to the airport, and Victoria kissed him goodbye. It was an empty feeling as she looked at him. He told her to take care of herself, and she knew he probably meant it. She thanked him, and walked toward security and didn’t look back. She had never been as relieved in her life as when the flight took off and she left L.A. The plane headed toward New York, and she knew she was going home.

Chapter 20

The days between Thanksgiving and Christmas were always chaotic at school, but Victoria made sure she checked in at Weight Watchers every week, no matter how busy she was. No one was in the mood to work. Everyone was anxious to go on vacation, and once exams were over, all anyone talked about was what they were doing for the holidays. There were trips to the Bahamas, visits to grandmothers in Palm Beach, or relatives in other cities. There were ski trips to Aspen, Vail, Stowe, and a few who even went to Europe to ski in Gstaad, Val d’Isère, and Courchevel. They were definitely rich-kid vacations in fancy locations around the world. Victoria was startled to hear one of her students discuss her holiday plans. She was talking about it to two other girls as they packed up their things after class, and Victoria couldn’t help overhearing. The girl’s name was Marjorie Whitewater, and she blithely announced that she was having a breast reduction over Christmas. It was a gift from her father, and the other two girls were asking about it. One of them laughed and said she was having the opposite procedure. Her mother had promised her breast implants, as a graduation present next summer. All three girls seemed to take their assorted surgical procedures in stride, and Victoria looked up with a start.

“Isn’t that very painful?” Victoria couldn’t resist asking about the breast reduction. It sounded awful to her, and she knew she wouldn’t have had the courage to do it. And what if she didn’t like the result? She had complained about the size of her breasts all her life, but getting rid of them, even in part, sounded like a major step to her. She had thought about it over the years, but never seriously enough to do it.

“It’s not that bad,” Marjorie answered her. “My cousin had it done last year. And she looks great.”

“I had a nose job when I was sixteen,” one of the other girls said. It was a serious medical discussion about the benefits of plastic surgery among teenagers. Victoria was startled by their nonchalance and knowledge about the various operations. “It hurt,” she admitted about the nose job, “but I love my new nose. Sometimes I forget it’s not the one I was born with. I hated my old nose.” The other two laughed, and Victoria shyly spoke up.

“I hate my nose,” Victoria confessed to the three students. It was a fascinating conversation. She had happened into it accidentally, but she was part of it now. “I always have.”

“Then you should change it and get a new one,” one of the girls said easily. “It’s not a big deal. My surgery wasn’t too bad. My mom had a face-lift last year.” The others were impressed, and Victoria was mesmerized by what they said. It had never occurred to her to change her nose. She had said it jokingly, but she’d never actually considered it an option for her. She wondered how expensive it was, but she didn’t want to ask the kids.

She said something to Harlan about it that night. “Do you know any plastic surgeons?” she asked him casually, as they cooked dinner together. They were having vegetables and steamed fish, and she was being good about her diet, and she was beginning to shed the weight she had wanted to lose for so long.

“Not really. Why?”

“I’m thinking of getting a new nose.” She said it like a new hat or a pair of shoes, and he laughed.

“When did that happen? You’ve never mentioned that before.”

“I was listening to some of my students after class today. They’re an absolute encyclopedia of surgical procedures. One got a new nose two years ago. Another one is having a breast reduction over Christmas, as a Christmas gift no less. And the other one is getting breast implants next summer, for graduation. I felt like I was the only one in school with my original parts. And these are just kids,” she said in amazement.

“Rich kids,” John added. “None of my students get nose jobs and implants for Christmas.”

“Anyway, I don’t know how expensive it is, but I was thinking of treating myself to a new nose over Christmas. I’m not going home, so I’ve got the time.”

“You’re not?” Harlan was surprised to hear that she was staying in New York. “When did you decide that?”

“At Thanksgiving. My family is too crazy these days with the wedding. And now that my sister’s fiancé is part of it, I’m outnumbered. There are too many of ‘them’ and only one of me. I’m not going back till the wedding.”

“Have you told them that?”

“Not yet. I thought I’d tell them closer to Christmas. I just thought I’d ask about the surgeon. I didn’t want to ask the kids in school.”

Harlan didn’t say anything, but he gave her three names of plastic surgeons the next day. He had gotten them from people he knew who said they were pleased with their work, and Victoria was thrilled. She called two of them the next day. One was leaving on vacation over the holidays. And the other one, a woman, gave her an appointment for the end of the week. They referred to it as rhinoplasty, and she told Harlan she felt like a rhinoceros going in to get her horn removed, and he laughed.

She went to see Dr. Carolyn Schwartz on Friday afternoon. She had a bright cheerful office on Park Avenue, not far from school, and Victoria walked over after her last class. It was a cold sunny day and a nice walk after being cooped up in school. Dr. Schwartz was pleasant and young. She explained the procedure to her and how much it cost. Victoria was impressed by how reasonable it was. She could actually afford it, and Dr. Schwartz said that she’d be pretty bruised for about a week, and then it would start to fade. She could cover it with makeup when she went back to school. She had an opening on her surgical calendar the day after Christmas, and Victoria looked at her for a long moment and then grinned.

“I’ll take it. Let’s do it. I want a new nose.” She hadn’t been as excited about anything in years. The doctor showed her computer printouts of possible noses for her, after taking a photograph of her profile and full face. Victoria said, after looking at all of them, that she wanted a variation of her sister’s nose, so she’d look like part of the family. And the doctor suggested a modification of it to suit Victoria’s face. Victoria said she would drop off a photograph of her sister the following week, after she went through some photographs she had at home. She had always thought that Gracie had a gorgeous nose, unlike hers, which made her look like a Cabbage Patch Doll, she said, and the doctor laughed. She assured her that it was a fine nose, but they could do better. With the help of the computer, she showed her several possibilities, and Victoria liked them all. Anything seemed better to her than the nose she had.

When Victoria left her office, she felt as if she were walking on air. The nose she had hated all her life, and that her father had made fun of, was about to go. So long, nose.

She told Harlan and John about it as soon as she got home. They were stunned that she had already made the decision and had an appointment to get it done. The only problem, she explained, was that she’d need someone to pick her up at the hospital after the surgery. She looked at them hopefully, and John said he’d be there, since he’d be on vacation too.

She had discussed liposuction with the surgeon too, which sometimes seemed like an easier option than all her dieting, and a quick fix. But when Dr. Schwartz described it to her, it sounded more unpleasant than she’d thought, and she decided against it, and stuck with her plan for a new nose.

The last days of school were fraught with the usual tensions and preholiday excitement. She had to press her students to complete assignments and get them turned in. She urged them all to work on their college essays during vacation, and she knew some would, and most wouldn’t, and then there would be a mad scramble in January to get them done before the deadline the colleges imposed.

And there was a major drama in the last week of classes, when one of the juniors was found using drugs at school. He was doing a line of coke in the bathroom, and one of the other kids turned him in. His parents had to be called, and he was suspended. The headmaster handled it, and the parents agreed to put their son in rehab for a month. Victoria was glad that it wasn’t one of her students, and she didn’t have to get involved. It sounded like a mess to her. She had her own students to worry about. She was keeping an eye on Amy Green, who was doing good work in school, and her pregnancy still didn’t show, and probably wouldn’t for a long time. And all was going well for her.

Victoria finally told her parents the week before Christmas that she was not coming home for the holidays. They said they were disappointed, but they didn’t sound it to her. They were busy with Gracie and Harry, and they were planning to have dinner with the Wilkeses before they left for Aspen for the holidays.

Gracie called her and was genuinely upset that she wasn’t coming, and to justify it, Victoria confessed that she was getting a new nose, and Gracie was shocked, but amused.

“You are? Why? That’s so silly. I love your nose.”

“Well, I don’t. I’ve been stuck with Dad’s grandma’s nose all my life, and I’m turning it in for a new one.”

“Whose nose are you getting?” Gracie asked her, still shocked, and disappointed that she wasn’t coming home. But she understood it better now. Her sister didn’t tell her that even without the rhinoplasty, she wouldn’t have come. There was no need to say that.

“My own, kind of an individualized version of yours and Mom’s,” Victoria said, and Gracie laughed. “We picked it out on the computer, and it suits my face a lot better than the one I have.”

“Will it hurt a lot?” Gracie sounded worried for her, which touched Victoria. Gracie was the only one who ever cared about her, no matter what.

“I don’t know,” Victoria said honestly. “I’ll be asleep.”

“I mean after.”

“They’ll give me pain pills to take home, and she said I’ll be pretty bruised for several weeks. And slightly swollen for many months, although most people won’t see it. But I have nothing planned anyway, so this is a good time. I’m doing it the day after Christmas.”

“There goes your New Year’s Eve,” Gracie said sympathetically, and Victoria laughed.

“I have no one to spend it with anyway. So I’ll stay home. I think Harlan and John are going skiing in Vermont. I’ll be fine. You can come keep me company if you want.”

“Harry and I are going to Mexico over New Year,” she said apologetically.

“Then I’m glad I’m staying here.”

“Send me a picture of your new nose. After it’s not blue anymore.” They talked about it for a few more minutes, and afterward Victoria was in a good mood and decided to go to the gym. It was bitter cold outside, but she didn’t want to get out of the routine. She was being very good, and using the treadmill at home too.

The doctor had told her that she wouldn’t be able to exercise at first after surgery, so she wanted to do all she could beforehand. She didn’t want to get out of shape while she was nursing her nose.

It was starting to snow when she got to the gym, and it looked like Christmas around the city. People had their trees up, and she was planning to get one with Harlan and John that weekend. They were having friends over to help them decorate it. And Victoria was thinking about it as she rode one of the Exercycles, and she noticed that the man on the one next to her was exceptionally rugged and good-looking, and he was talking to a beautiful girl on his other side. Victoria stared at them for a few minutes, mesmerized. They were an extremely handsome couple, they looked like they got along very well, and they laughed a lot. For a lonely moment, she couldn’t help envying them the relationship they obviously shared. She was wearing her iPod so she couldn’t hear what they were saying, but their faces as they looked at each other were warm and loving, and watching them tore at her heart. She couldn’t even imagine having a man who looked like that in her life.

The man exercising next to her had piercing blue eyes and dark hair, and a square jaw and chin with a deep cleft in it. He had broad shoulders and long legs, and she noticed that he had nice hands. She was embarrassed when he turned and smiled at her. He had sensed her staring at him, so she looked away. And then she noticed him looking at her again, and admiring her legs when she got off the bike. She was wearing leggings and a sweatshirt, and he was wearing a T-shirt and shorts. And she thought that their relationship must be very secure for the woman he was with not to get upset when he looked at her like that. She seemed not to be bothered at all. Victoria had smiled at him, and then left the gym to go home. She could hardly wait for her vacation to get her new nose. She hated to miss time at the gym, but she promised herself to work twice as hard on her workout program as soon as she could start again. With a newly toned, slimmer body and a better nose, she could hardly wait for her new life to begin. She was smiling to herself, thinking about it and feeling hopeful as she left the gym that night.

Chapter 21

Victoria spent a quiet Christmas with Harlan and John at the apartment, and although she missed Gracie, she was happy not to have to travel during the holidays, or deal with her family’s hysteria over the wedding. It was still six months away, and everyone was already nuts, particularly her parents. It was the first time she hadn’t gone home, and it felt strange, but peaceful.

She, Harlan, and John exchanged presents on Christmas Eve, as she did with her family usually, and they went to midnight mass afterward. The traditions hadn’t changed, just the people and the venues. It was a beautiful mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, and although none of them was particularly religious, they found it very moving, and they came home and had tea in the kitchen and went to bed. And she talked to Gracie several times the next day. She was shuttling back and forth between their parents’ and the Wilkeses’. And Harry had given her diamond earrings for Christmas, which she told Victoria were gorgeous.

On Christmas night, Victoria was extremely nervous about what was going to happen the next day. They had given her pre-op instructions. She couldn’t eat or drink after midnight, couldn’t take aspirin. She had never had surgery before and didn’t know what to expect, other than a nose that she loved at the end of it, or at least not one that she hated as much as she had her present one all her life. She couldn’t wait for the change. She knew it wouldn’t transform her and suddenly make her beautiful, but she knew she would feel different, and that a major irritant that had embarrassed her for years would be altered. She kept looking in the mirror and couldn’t wait for it to be altered. She already felt different. She was shedding the things that had made her unhappy, or trying to, and she was proud of herself for not going home for Christmas, as she had every year. Thanksgiving had just been too awful. And the Christmas she spent in New York was easy and warm at least, with her roommates.

It was sad, but her parents were just too hard for her to be around. Their overt, covert, and subliminal message was always the same: “We don’t love you.” For years she had tried to turn that around, and she couldn’t. Now she no longer wanted to try. It was her first step toward health. And the rhinoplasty was another. It had deep psychological meaning for her. She wasn’t condemned to be ugly and ridiculed by them forever. She was taking control of her life.

Victoria got up early and walked around the apartment nervously before she left. The tree was sitting in a corner of the apartment, and she wondered how she’d feel when she got home. Not too bad, she hoped. She hoped she wouldn’t be in terrible pain or feel sick. And she was scared to death when she took a cab to the hospital at six A.M. Had it been for anything else, she might have backed out and canceled. She was terrified when she walked through the double doors into the same day surgery unit. And from then on it was like being sucked into a well-oiled machine. People greeted her, had her sign papers, and put a plastic ID bracelet on her wrist. They drew blood, took her blood pressure, and listened to her heart. The anesthesiologist came to talk to her, and reassured her that she would feel nothing and be asleep. They wanted to know about any allergies she had, which she didn’t. They weighed her, put her in a surgical gown, and had her put on elastic stockings to avoid blood clots, which seemed odd to her, since they were operating on her nose, not her knees or her feet, and the stockings felt funny and went from her toes to the top of her thighs. And she hated the weigh-in, because on their scale she had gained three pounds, even if she insisted on taking off her shoes to be weighed. The war for her weight was not won yet.

Nurses and technicians came and went, someone put an IV in her arm, and before she knew what had happened, she was on the operating table, and her surgeon was smiling at her and patting her hand, while the anesthesiologist talked to her, and seconds later she was asleep. Nothing happened after that, and she woke up feeling incredibly groggy while someone far, far away kept saying her name over and over again.

“Victoria … Victoria … Victoria? … Victoria …” She wanted them to be quiet and let her sleep.

“Hmm … what …” They kept waking her up as she tried to go back to sleep.

“Your surgery is over, Victoria,” a voice said. She fell asleep again, and then someone put a straw in her mouth and offered her a drink. She took a sip, and slowly she began to wake up. She could feel tape on her face, and it felt strange, but she wasn’t in pain. They gave her oral pain-killers after she woke. She spent the day in and out of sleep. And they made sure she was warm enough. They finally told her that she had to wake up if she wanted to go home. They cranked up the bed and made her sit up, while she nodded off again. And then they gave her Jell-O, and she looked up and saw Harlan standing next to her bed. John had a cold, so he didn’t come.

“Hi … what are you doing here?” She looked at him in surprise and felt drunk. “Oh yeah … that’s right. I’m going home … I’m kind of out of it,” she said apologetically, and he grinned.

“I’ll say. I don’t know what they’re giving you, but I want some.” She laughed and felt a sharp twinge in her face when she did. He didn’t tell her that the bandages on her face looked like a hockey mask. They’d been putting ice packs on her face all day. And a nurse came in to help her dress while Harlan waited outside. She was in a wheelchair still looking sleepy when he saw her again.

“How do I look? Is my nose pretty?” she asked him groggily.

“You look gorgeous,” Harlan said, exchanging a smile with the nurse. She was used to groggy patients. Victoria was wearing sweatpants and a top that opened down the front, which they had told her to do, so she didn’t pull it over her head. The nurse had put Victoria’s shoes and socks on, after taking the elastic stockings off, and her hair was disheveled and pulled back in an elastic band. And they had given her pills to take with her in case she was in pain when she got home. Harlan left her in the lobby with the nurse while he went to get a cab and was back in less than a minute. Victoria was shocked to see that it was dark outside. It was six o’clock, and she had been there for twelve hours. The nurse rolled the wheelchair right out to the cab, and Harlan helped Victoria in, settled her on the seat, and thanked the nurse. He hoped Victoria hadn’t heard her warn him that she was a big girl, so he didn’t try to lift her. He knew how she hated that expression. It was one of the painful mantras of her childhood. She didn’t want to be a “big girl,” just a kid then, and a woman now.

“What did she say?” Victoria frowned as she looked at him.

“She said you look like you’ve been on a two-week drunk, and she wishes she had your legs.”

“Yeah,” Victoria nodded seriously, “everyone says that … they want my legs … great legs … fat ass though.” The driver smiled in the rearview mirror when he heard her, and Harlan gave him their address. It was a short drive home, and Victoria dozed with her chin on her chest, and once she snored. It was not a romantic vision, but Harlan loved her. She had become his best friend. He woke her when they got there.

“Okay, sleeping beauty. We’re back at the castle. Get your gorgeous ass out of the cab.” He wished he had the wheelchair at the house, but she didn’t need it. She was a little disoriented and woozy, but he got her in the elevator and into the apartment in minutes, and led her to the couch, so she could sit down while he took off his coat and her own. John came out of their bedroom in a bathrobe, and smiled when he saw her. She looked like an alien in the bandage that covered most of her face, with two holes for her eyes and a splint to protect her nose. She was quite a sight, but he made no comment about it to Victoria and hoped she wouldn’t look in the mirror. There had been cotton packing in her nose all day, but very little bleeding. And the nurse had removed it before she left.

“Where do you want to be?” Harlan asked her gently. “On the couch or in bed?” She thought about it for a long moment.

“Bed … I’m sleepy …”

“Are you hungry?”

“No, thirsty …,” she said, running her tongue over her lips. The nurse had given her Vaseline to put on them. “And cold,” she added. They had put warm blankets on her at the hospital all day, and she wished she had one now.

Harlan brought her a glass of apple juice with a straw, as they had told him to do. Victoria had several pages of post-op instructions for the coming days. And a few minutes later he led her to her room, helped her undress and put her pajamas on, and five minutes later she was sound asleep propped up on pillows in bed to elevate her head, and Harlan was back in the living room with John.

“Wow, she looks like a train wreck,” John whispered to Harlan, and he nodded.

“They told her to expect a lot of bruising and swelling. She’s going to have two big shiners tomorrow. But she’s happy, or she will be. She wanted a new nose, and she got one. It may not look like a big deal to us, but I think it’s a big deal to her psychologically, so why not?” John agreed. They spent a quiet evening on the couch, watching two movies, and every so often Harlan would go in and check on Victoria. She was sound asleep and purring softly. And somewhere under the bandages she had the new nose she wanted. Santa Claus had brought it to her the day after Christmas. It was a gift she had wanted all her life.

The next day Victoria woke up feeling like she’d been in a rodeo all year. She ached, she was tired, she felt as though she had been drugged. There was a dull ache in her nose. She decided to have breakfast and take a pain pill, but she wanted to eat something first so it didn’t make her sick. By sheer habit, she opened the freezer and was staring at the ice cream when Harlan walked in.

“I don’t think so,” the voice of her conscience said right behind her when he saw what she was looking at. “You have a fabulous new nose. Let’s not go crazy with the ice cream, shall we?” He closed the freezer door, opened the fridge, and handed her the apple juice. “How do you feel?”

“So-so, but not too bad. Kind of woozy. I’m a little sore. I’m just going to sleep today, and take the pain medicine.” She wanted to stay on top of it so it didn’t get too bad. The swelling had gotten worse, which they had warned her would happen for the first few days.

“Good idea,” he said. He made some whole wheat toast, covered it with a low-fat synthetic dairy spread, and handed it to her. “Do you want eggs?” She shook her head. She didn’t want to lose track of her diet in the coming days, especially while she couldn’t exercise.

“Thanks for taking care of me yesterday,” she said, trying to smile, but there was tape on her face and it felt odd. She felt like the man in the iron mask, and she couldn’t wait to get the bandages off in a week. They were annoying, and she was afraid to look in the mirror. She had made a point of not doing so in her bedroom, or when she went to the bathroom. She didn’t want to scare herself and knew she might, and you couldn’t see her nose anyway. It was all covered up under the bandages and splint.

Victoria slept for the next two days and hung around the house after that. It was a quiet time, she had no plans, and she had done the surgery over the holidays so she could take it easy. Harlan brought her movies, and she watched TV a lot, although she had a headache for the first few days. She talked to Helen, but she didn’t want to see anyone except John and Harlan. She didn’t feel up to it and was afraid she looked too scary. And by New Year’s Eve she was feeling pretty good and didn’t need the pain pills. Harlan and John had gone skiing in Vermont by then, and she spent the evening alone watching TV and loving the idea that she had a new nose, even if she hadn’t seen it yet. Gracie called her from Mexico that night. She was at the Palmilla Hotel in Cabo with Harry and some of his friends, and she said it was fabulous. As his fiancée and soon-to-be wife, she had a golden life now. Victoria didn’t envy her, though, because she wouldn’t have wanted to be there with him, but Gracie sounded ecstatic.

“So how’s the new nose?” Gracie asked her. She had called several times that week, and sent Victoria flowers, which was very sweet. Victoria had been touched by the gesture. Their parents knew nothing of the surgery, and Victoria didn’t want them to. She was sure they would disapprove and make rude comments about it. Gracie had agreed to keep it secret.

“I haven’t seen it yet,” Victoria admitted. “They’re taking the bandages off next week. Supposedly, except for the bruising and some swelling, it should look pretty good. They said I’d be back to normal, relatively, within a week or two, except that I’ll still be tired. But I can cover the bruising with makeup.” They had told her that she would only have a Band-Aid on her nose after that, but all the bandages and stitches would be gone within a week or two. “Are you having fun?” She suddenly missed her baby sister terribly.

“It’s fantastic here. We have an incredible suite,” Gracie said, sounding happy.

“You’re going to be one spoiled brat as Mrs. Wilkes,” Victoria teased her, but she didn’t begrudge it to her. She liked her own life better in some ways, and her job. At least no one was telling her what to think, do, and say. She couldn’t have stood it. Gracie didn’t seem to care, as long as she had Harry. It was the same pact with the devil that their mother had made, and Victoria felt sorry for them both.

“I know,” Gracie tittered in answer to the remark about being spoiled. “I love it. Well, let me know how the nose looks.”

“I’ll call you immediately when I see it.”

“Your old one was fine,” Gracie said again. It wasn’t hideous, just round.

“My new one will be better!” Victoria said, happy about it again. “Have fun in Cabo. I love you … and Happy New Year!”

“You too. I hope it will be a good year for you too, Victoria.” Victoria knew she meant it, and wished the same for her. They hung up, and Victoria settled back to watch another movie from the couch. And at midnight she was sound asleep. It had been a quiet New Year’s Eve for her, and she didn’t mind at all.

Chapter 22

Dr. Schwartz took Victoria’s bandages off eight days later and said she was very pleased with the result when she saw it. It was healing nicely. Victoria had been brave enough to see her face-mask bandages in the mirror by then, and she thought she looked ghoulish, though for a good cause. She didn’t regret the surgery for a minute, and when she saw the result unveiled, she was thrilled, despite the bruising, and slight swelling. The doctor pointed out where the swelling was and where she could expect improvement, but all things considered, it looked great, and Victoria let out a squeal of delight. The surgeon had done a fantastic job. And the patient was ecstatic. She said she already felt like a new person.

The only shocking thing, and Victoria wasn’t surprised, since she had been told to expect it, was the extent of the bruising, which was severe. She had two huge black eyes, and bluish discoloration that went down most of her face. But the doctor assured her that it would go away soon, was normal, and she could start covering it with makeup in a few days. She said she’d be quite presentable by the time she went back to school in another week. And it would continue to improve after that as the swelling went down and the bruising disappeared. It would continue to look even better over several months. She put a Band-Aid over the bridge of Victoria’s nose and sent her home. She said she could go back to normal activity, within reason. No sky diving, water polo, or touch football, she teased her. No contact sports. She told her to be reasonable and not do anything where she might hit her nose, and when Victoria inquired, she said that she could go to the gym, but again be sensible about it and not overdo. No jogging, no strenuous exercise, no swimming, no extreme workouts, which Victoria didn’t want to do anyway. It had been freezing outside all week. And the doctor added “no sex,” which unfortunately wasn’t an issue for her at the moment.

Victoria was so happy with the result that she bought a big Caesar salad on the way home, and ate it in the kitchen. She had lost a few pounds from not eating much while she was sleeping her way through her recovery, and the pain pills had killed her appetite. She hadn’t even eaten ice cream, and just to be on the safe side, Harlan had thrown it away again. He called it her “stash.” In the Chutes and Ladders of weight loss, it set her back at zero again every time.

She put on her gym clothes after she ate the salad, and walked the several blocks to the gym, in leggings, gym shorts, an old Northwestern sweatshirt, a parka, and a pair of beat-up old running shoes. Harlan and John were still skiing in Vermont, and the day was crisp and clear in New York despite predictions of snow.

She signed in at the gym, and decided to ride the exercise bike, and put it on the easiest setting since she hadn’t exercised in a week and wanted to start slow. She put her iPod on and was listening to the music with her eyes closed as she pedaled rhythmically along. She didn’t open them until she’d been on the bike for ten minutes, and was startled to see the same very good-looking man sitting next to her whom she’d seen there before Christmas. This time he was alone, without the beautiful woman who’d been with him, and he was looking at Victoria when she opened her eyes. She had forgotten what her face looked like after the surgery, with all the bruising, and she wondered why he was staring at her, and then she remembered and was embarrassed. He was looking sympathetic and pained for her. He said something and she took the iPod out of her ear. He had a light tan on his face as though he’d been skiing, and she was struck again by how handsome he was.

“What does the other guy look like?” he teased her lightly, and she smiled, suddenly acutely aware of the bruises on her face and remains of two black eyes. And she wondered if he had guessed why. He looked more serious then as he chatted with her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make a joke of it. It looks painful. It must have been a nasty accident. Car or ski?” he asked matter-of-factly. Victoria hesitated, with a look of confusion, and she didn’t know what to say. Nose job sounded a lot worse to her, and would have made her feel foolish to a stranger.

“Car,” she said simply as they pedaled along.

“I figured. Did you have your seatbelt on, or was it the air bag? People don’t realize how easily you can break your nose with an air bag. I know several people who have.” She nodded as a blanket yes and felt really stupid. “I hope you sue the hell out of whoever hit you,” he said, still sympathetic, assuming immediately that it was the other guy’s fault, not hers. “Sorry. I’m a lawyer. I get litigious at the drop of a hat. There are so many drunk drivers on the road over the holidays, and bad ones, it’s a wonder more people don’t get killed. You were lucky.”

“Yes, I was.” Very. I got a new nose, she thought to herself, but didn’t say it.

“I just came back from skiing in Vermont with my sister. She was with me the last time I saw you. The poor thing was minding her own business and got hit by a kid out of control on a snowboard and broke her shoulder. She came out from the Midwest to spend the holidays with me, and now she goes back with a broken shoulder. It’s really painful. She was a good sport about it.” Victoria was staring at him, with the information that the beauty he’d had with him was his sister. So where was his wife? She checked, and he had no wedding ring on, but a lot of men didn’t wear them, so that meant nothing. And even if he wasn’t married or didn’t have a girlfriend, she couldn’t imagine him wanting her, even with her new nose. She was still a “big girl,” even with a smaller, better nose.

He pointed to her sweatshirt then. “Northwestern? My sister graduated from there.”

“Me too,” Victoria said in a hoarse croak, which had nothing to do with her surgery. She was too dazzled by him to speak.

“Great school. Shit weather though. I wanted to get out of the Midwest after growing up there, so I went to Duke.” It was in North Carolina and one of the best schools in the country, Victoria knew. She tried to help her students get in there all the time. “My brother went to Harvard. My parents still brag about it. I couldn’t get in,” he said modestly with a grin. “I went to law school at NYU, which is how I wound up here. What about you? Native New Yorker or other?” He was chatting away as they rode the bikes, and it felt very surreal to her, riding along next to this gorgeous man who was telling her about his family, his education, where he came from, and asking about her. And he acted like her face was normal and not black and blue, and she didn’t have two black eyes. He looked at her as though she was pretty, and she wondered if he was blind.

“I’m from L.A.,” she answered his question. “I moved here after college. I teach at a private school.”

“That must be interesting,” he said pleasantly. “Little kids or big ones?”

“High school seniors. English. They’re a handful, but I love them.” She smiled, hoping she didn’t look like a ghoul. But he didn’t seem to think so, and didn’t look bothered by it at all.

“That’s a tough age, judging by myself anyway. I gave my parents a tough time in high school. I stole my dad’s car and totaled it twice. That’s easy to do on black ice in Illinois. I was lucky I didn’t get killed.” He mentioned after that that he had grown up in a suburb of Chicago, and she could guess that it was an affluent one. Despite the workout clothes, he looked well heeled, had a good haircut, was well spoken, polished, polite, and was wearing an expensive gold watch. She looked like a bum, and always went to the gym that way, and hadn’t had a manicure in over a week. It was the one luxury she always indulged in, but she hadn’t gone since the surgery. She didn’t want to scare anyone, explain her bandages, and she wasn’t going out anyway. Now here she was next to the most gorgeous man she’d ever seen, and she hadn’t combed her hair and didn’t even have nail polish on.

Their bikes stopped at almost the same time, and they both got off. He said he was going to the steam room, and with a warm smile he stuck out his hand.

“I’m Collin White, by the way.”

“Victoria Dawson.” They shook hands, and after a few inane words, she picked up her things and left, and he headed to the steam room, and stopped to chat with a man he knew along the way. Victoria was still thinking about him when she walked home. She felt good after some exercise at the gym, and he’d been nice to talk to. She hoped she would see him again.

Her doctor was right, and by the time she went back to school, she could cover most of what was left of the bruising with makeup. There was a faint shadow still around her eyes, but she looked pretty good, and the swelling had come down a lot around her nose. Not all the way, but close. And she loved her new nose. She felt like she had a whole new face. She couldn’t wait to see her parents in June and watch their reaction, if they noticed. The difference seemed enormous to her.

She had just taught her last class of the day, after helping half a dozen students with the college essays they hadn’t finished and were now panicked about, when three of the girls were lingering in the classroom, talking. One of them was the student who had had the breast reduction over Christmas, and the same threesome who had discussed it before. They were best friends. They went everywhere together at school.

“How did it go?” Victoria asked cautiously. She didn’t want to be too intrusive. “Not too painful, I hope.”

“It was great!” the girl said, pulling up her sweatshirt and exposing her bra, since there were no boys in the room at the time. “I love my new boobs! I wish I’d done it sooner!” And then she looked at Victoria intently, as though seeing her for the first time, and in some ways she was, parts of her anyway. “Omigod! You did it!” She was staring at the middle of Victoria’s face, and the other two girls looked too. “I love your new nose!” she said emphatically, and Victoria blushed to the roots of her hair.

“Can you tell?”

“Yes … no … I mean, you didn’t look like Rudolf before. But it’s a definite subtle difference. That’s how it’s supposed to be. People aren’t supposed to shriek and know you did it. You’re just supposed to look better and no one can figure out why. Your nose is great! Watch out though, it’s addictive. My mom does something all the time. Chin implants, botox, new boobs, lipo. Now she wants to reduce her thighs and calves. I’m happy with my boobs,” the girl said, looking pleased.

“And I love my nose,” Victoria admitted happily, since they were all so much more sophisticated than she was, and familiar with the process. “I actually decided to do it after talking to you. You made me feel brave. I’d never dared to do it before.”

“Well, you did good,” she congratulated her, and gave Victoria a high-five.

They all left the room together, and passed Amy Green and Justin in the hall. She smiled broadly at Victoria. She hadn’t admitted the pregnancy yet at school, and it still didn’t show, although it would soon. She was young and her muscles were tight, and she was dressing carefully to conceal it. Justin was constantly with her protecting her like a security man guarding the Hope diamond. They were sweet to watch. “He follows her around like a puppy,” one of the girls said, rolling her eyes as they walked by.

Victoria thanked the girls again for their good advice and went to her office to pick up some files she wanted to take home. She was touched by their praise of her new nose. She loved it too. She wondered for a minute then if she should have a breast reduction too, and then she remembered what the girls had said, that plastic surgery was addictive and some women didn’t know where to stop. She was going to stop here, with her nose. She’d have to work the rest off the hard way, and she was working at it steadily. The wedding was five months away.

She ran into Collin White again that night at the gym, and they chatted easily as they rode the bikes. He told her what law firm he worked at on Wall Street and that he was a litigator. It was an important firm, and his job sounded interesting to her. And she told him where she taught. He had heard of the school. They talked about nothing in particular, and when they got off the bikes, he surprised her and asked her if she wanted to go for a drink across the street. She looked as big a mess as she had before, and couldn’t believe that he’d ask her anywhere or want to be seen with her. He asked her again as though he really meant it, and she nodded, put on her coat, and followed him across the street, wondering why he’d want to have a drink with her.

They both ordered wine, and she asked how his sister’s shoulder was after the snowboard accident.

“Painful, I think. Those things take a while, and you can’t do much with a shoulder, except time. She was lucky she didn’t need surgery when it happened.”

He asked more about the school where she worked then, and why she’d gone into teaching, and about her family. She told him she had a sister who was seven years younger, had just graduated from USC the previous June, and was getting married in five months.

“That’s pretty young,” he commented, looking surprised. “Especially these days.” He had told her he was thirty-six, and she said she was twenty-nine.

“I think so too. Our parents got married at that age, right out of college, but people did that more then. Nowadays, nobody gets married at twenty-three, which she will be in June. I was hoping she’d wait, but she won’t. It’s all about the wedding. My whole family is temporarily insane,” she said with a rueful grin. “At least I hope it’s temporary. They’re driving me nuts.”

“Do you like the guy she’s marrying?” he asked, looking at her closely, and Victoria hesitated for a long time, and then decided to be honest. “Yes. Maybe. Well enough. But not for her. He’s very domineering, and opinionated for a young guy. He doesn’t let her open her mouth and thinks for her. I hate seeing her give up her personality and her independence just to be his wife.” She didn’t say that he had a huge amount of money, and didn’t think it appropriate to do so. And that wasn’t the point. She wouldn’t have liked Harry any better for Gracie if he’d been poor. The money made him pompous. But his own personality made him controlling, which was what Victoria didn’t like about him. She wanted more for Gracie than that.

“My sister almost married a guy like that. She dated him for three years, and we all liked him, but not for her. They got engaged last year, she was thirty-four, and she’s all wound up about getting married and having babies, and she’s scared to death she’ll miss the boat. She finally realized what she was getting herself into, and they broke up two weeks before the wedding. It was a mess. She was really upset, and my parents were great about it. I think she did the right thing. It’s tough for women,” he said sympathetically, “at a certain age, that time clock starts ticking like a bomb. And I think a lot of women make bad decisions because of it. I was proud of my sister for bailing out. You saw her here. She’s thirty-five, and she’ll find the right guy, hopefully in time to have kids. But she’s better off alone than with the wrong guy. It’s not easy to meet good people,” he said thoughtfully. Victoria had a hard time believing that a woman who looked like his sister didn’t have ten men running behind her waving wedding rings, or at least wanting to date her. “She hasn’t met anyone since they broke up,” he added, “but she’s over it, and she says she won’t go back to him. Thank God she woke up.”

“I wish my sister would,” Victoria said with a sigh. “But she’s a kid. She’s twenty-two, and she’s all excited about the dress and the wedding and the ring. She’s lost sight of what’s important, and I think she’s too young to get it. And by the time she does, it’ll be too late, and she’ll be married to him and sorry as hell.”

“Have you said that to her?” He looked interested in what she said.

“Yes. She doesn’t want to hear it and gets all upset. She thinks I’m jealous. And believe me, I’m not.” He believed her. “And my parents are no help. They’re big fans of the match, and they’re impressed by who he is.” She looked pensive then. “And he’s a lot like my father. That’s a tough one to fight.”

“You’re swimming upstream on that one,” he said wisely. “All you can do is say it and leave it at that. And maybe it’ll work for her. You never know,” he said philosophically. “People want different things and not always what we think they should have, or want for them.”

“I hope it works, but I doubt it,” Victoria added, looking sad for her sister.

“Are you two very different? Other than the age difference.” He got the feeling they were. Victoria appeared to be a smart, sensible woman with her feet on the ground and a good head on her shoulders. He could tell just by listening to her. And her younger sister sounded flighty, young, and spoiled to him, and maybe headstrong and impulsive too. He wasn’t wrong.

“She’s more like my parents,” Victoria said honestly. “I’ve always been the odd man out. I don’t look like them, think like them, or act like them, or want the same things. Sometimes it sounds like we didn’t have the same parents. We didn’t actually, because they treated us very differently, so her life experience and her childhood were completely different from mine.” He nodded as though he understood, and she had the feeling that what she was saying wasn’t unfamiliar to him.

He looked at his watch then and asked for the check. “I’ve enjoyed talking to you,” he told Victoria, as he paid it. “Would you like to have dinner sometime?” he asked with a hopeful look as she stared at him. Was he crazy? Why would he want to go out with her? She thought he was much too good for her. “Like next week?” he added more precisely. “Just something easy, if you’d like that.” He didn’t want to snow her with a fancy restaurant. She was a kind person and easy to talk to. He wanted to spend a real evening with her, getting to know her, not show off and try to impress her. He wanted to know more about who she was. He liked what he’d heard so far. And he liked her looks, even with her bruised face.

“Yes, of course, I’d like that,” she blurted out when he looked as if he expected an answer. She didn’t add “Why?” She could only assume that he wanted to be friends, and liked having someone to talk to. This was obviously not a date.

“How about Tuesday? I’ve got a partners’ meeting Monday night.”

“Of course … yes … sure …” She felt like an idiot burbling at him.

“Could I have your number or your e-mail?” he asked politely, and she jotted them down and handed them to him. He put them directly into his phone, and slipped it back into his pocket with the piece of paper, and thanked her. “I’ve really enjoyed meeting you, Victoria,” he said pleasantly, while she tried not to focus on how handsome he was. It was too unnerving.

“Me too,” she said weakly. This was very odd. She liked him, but she thought a man like him shouldn’t even be talking to her. He should have been with some drop-dead-gorgeous beauty, like his sister, who had no dates. Go figure. The world was too strange.

They left each other in front of the gym, and she walked home, thinking about him and trying to figure out why he had asked her to dinner. She told Harlan about it when she got home, and explained that it wasn’t really a date, he just wanted to be friends.

“How do you know that?” Harlan looked surprised by what she said. “Did he say so?”

“Of course not. He’s too polite. But it’s obvious. You should see the guy. He looks like a movie star, or a business mogul, or an ad in GQ. And look at me.” She pointed to her workout clothes. “Now you tell me, would he date a woman that looks like me?”

“And he was wearing black tie at the gym?”

“Very funny. No. But guys like him don’t date women like me. This is friendly, not a date. Trust me. I know. I was there.”

“Sometimes romances start out that way. Don’t rule it out. Besides, I don’t trust your interpretation. You don’t know shit. All you know is your parents telling you that you’re not deserving, you’re not worthy, and no one will ever want you. Believe me, tapes like that play so loud, you can’t hear anything else. Even when it’s clear otherwise. I’m telling you, if this guy has any brains at all and eyes in his head, he knows you’re smart, funny, a good person, bright as hell, good looking, have fucking unbelievable legs, and he’d be the luckiest man in the world if he got you. So maybe this guy is no fool.”

“It’s not a date,” she insisted again.

“I’ll bet you five bucks it is,” Harlan said firmly.

“How will I know if it is?” She looked confused, while Harlan pondered the question.

“Good point, since your radar is out of whack and you have no decoding skills. If he kisses you, obviously it’s a date, but he won’t if he has any manners, on a first date. He sounds smarter than that. You’ll just know. If he asks you out again. If he looks interested. If he makes nice little gestures, touches your hand, looks like he’s enjoying you. Oh fuck, Victoria, just take me with you, and I’ll tell you if it’s a date.”

“I’ll figure it out for myself,” she said primly. “But it isn’t.”

“Just remember, you owe me five bucks if it is, by any of the aforementioned criteria. And no cheating. I need the money.”

“Then start saving, because you’re going to owe me five bucks. It’s not a date.” She was sure of it.

“Don’t forget your new nose,” he teased her. “That could swing the vote.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” she said, laughing. “The second time he saw me, I had bruises all over my face and two shiners, and I wasn’t wearing makeup.”

“Oh my God,” Harlan said, rolling his eyes. “You’re right. It’s not a date. It’s true love. Double the ante. Make it ten.”

“You’re on. Start saving.” He gave her a brotherly shove as they both left the kitchen and went back to their rooms. She had a stack of papers to correct. And the mystery of whether Collin White had asked her for a date would be solved soon enough. They were having dinner in five days. He hadn’t asked her out over the weekend, which made her wonder if he had a girlfriend. She had been through that with Jack Bailey, and hoped it wasn’t another situation like that. But this was nothing. She was sure. Just dinner with a friend. And it was less scary that way anyway.

Chapter 23

Five days later, on the day Victoria was supposed to have dinner with Collin White, she had to do one of those painful duties that sometimes went with her work. The father of one of the students had died suddenly of a heart attack on a ski slope in New Hampshire, and she had to go to the funeral, along with the headmaster and several other teachers. The family was devastated, and the youngest son was one of her seniors. There were four children in the family, and all of them had gone to Madison. It was a family that everyone loved, and she went to the funeral as part of a group with Eric Walker and a number of other teachers. It was very sad, and the eulogies were extremely moving when each of the children got up to speak, and everyone cried. Victoria’s heart went out to her student. She put her arms around him and hugged him afterward, when they all went back to the family’s apartment on Fifth Avenue. She had taught his older brother and one of his sisters too, in her seven years at the school, and liked them all. The oldest sister had gone to Madison before Victoria got there, and she was married now with two kids. Their father had been relatively young and in good shape, and his sudden death had been a terrible shock to all, and most of all his children.

It was a sobering experience, and Victoria spent the rest of the day quietly, and she tried not to think about it when Collin came to pick her up at seven. But she told him about it anyway, and he said he had an uncle who had died suddenly. It had been terrible for the family, but he said it was a great way to go, healthy, in no pain, just gone, after a great life. He made a good point.

She met him downstairs, and they took a cab to a restaurant he knew and liked in the Village. She had heard of it and it was hard to get in. The Waverly Inn. It was lively, and the food was good, the atmosphere was wholesome, fun, and the food mostly American. They both ordered steaks, and she had to fight herself not to order the macaroni and cheese to go with it, which he said was great.

“I’ve been on a diet since I was born,” she confessed when she ordered steamed spinach instead. “My parents and sister are thin and can eat whatever they want. Apparently I inherited my great-grandmother’s genes. She was a ‘big’ woman, as they say. I’ve been fighting that battle all my life.” She found it surprisingly easy to be honest with him since she viewed him as just a friend. Her clothes were loose on her now, so she could talk about it, without the usual shame and guilt over what she’d eaten. She’d been good for months, and it showed. She was determined to get down to a size ten by the wedding, and she was close. And after that, she’d have to stay there, which was like circling in airspace with a 747.

“People are so obsessed with that these days. As long as you’re healthy, what difference do a few pounds make? Crazy diets. Thirteen-year-old girls on magazine covers who wind up in hospitals because they’re so anorexic. Real women don’t look like that. And who wants them to? No one wants a woman who looks sick or like she’s been liberated from a refugee camp. All through history, women are supposed to look like you,” Collin said simply, and he looked as though he meant it, and not like he was trying to butter her up. She stared at him in disbelief. Maybe he was crazy. Or liked big women. It made no sense to her.

They had an interesting conversation about art, politics, history, architecture, the latest books they’d read, the music they liked, the foods they hated. Brussels sprouts for both, and cabbage. She said she had tried a cabbage soup diet with great results that reversed immediately. And then they talked about their families, and Victoria told him more than she meant to. She told him about being named after Queen Victoria because her father thought she was so ugly and it was a great joke, and she told him about the remark that she was the tester cake and Gracie the perfect recipe. Collin looked at her in horror when she said it.

“It’s amazing you don’t hate her,” he said, looking sympathetic.

“It’s not her fault. It’s them. And she looks just like them, so they think she’s perfect. And she is gorgeous, I have to admit. She looks something like your sister, in a smaller version.” It was a standard of perfection Victoria had never achieved and knew she never would.

“Yeah, and my sister hasn’t had a date in a year, so that’s no guarantee of happiness either,” he reminded her. Victoria still found that hard to believe. “People who say things like that to their kids shouldn’t have them,” he said seriously.

“True. But they do anyway. Anyone can have kids, whether qualified or not, and many people aren’t. My father thinks it’s funny when he makes cracks about me. I did a couple of years of therapy a few years ago, and then I took two years off. I went back last summer. It makes a difference. Intellectually at least you get that it’s about their being flawed, not you. But in your gut, you remember all those things they said when you were five and six and thirteen, and I think you hear it in your head forever. I tried to drown those voices in ice cream,” she confessed. “It didn’t work.” She had never been as honest with anyone in her life, and he seemed completely nonjudgmental about it. She really liked him and hoped he was being sincere, although she was leery of everyone now after the experiences she had had with dishonest men, like Jack Bailey and a few others. Her dating life had not been a happy one thus far.

“I have a strange relationship with my parents too,” he admitted. “I had an older brother who was the perfect son. Perfect athlete. Perfect student. Perfect everything. Harvard undergrad, captain of the football team, Yale Law School, top of his class. He was a fantastic kid and a great guy, and a wonderful brother. He was killed by a drunk driver on Long Island on the Fourth of July weekend, right after he found out he had passed the bar, the first time of course, with flying colors. It took me three times to pass it. And I kind of lumbered along in the middle of my class. Duke and NYU did not cut it with my parents, compared to Harvard and Yale. I’m not a jock and never have been. I keep in shape and play some tennis and squash, but that’s about it. Blake was the golden boy. Everyone loved him. He was my older brother. I was always in his shadow as a kid. And the world stopped for my parents when he died. They never recovered, either of them. My father retired, and my mother kind of withered up. No one has ever measured up for them since. And I sure don’t. My sister kind of skated under all that because she’s a girl. But they figure I’m a bad trade for Blake. He wanted to go into politics eventually and probably would have done well. He was kind of Kennedyesque, with a huge amount of charisma and charm. I’m just a regular guy. I lived with someone a few years ago, and it didn’t work out, so now they’re wondering what’s wrong with me that I’m not married. As far as they’re concerned I’ve been kind of a poor second best all my life, or I don’t qualify at all, compared to my brother. It’s rough being around them and feeling like you never measure up. He was five years older than I, and he died fourteen years ago. I’d just graduated from college, and I’ve been a disappointment to them ever since.” He hadn’t had the tough childhood she’d had, but he had had a hard road for fourteen years and she could see it in his eyes, that terrible feeling that you’re not good enough to be loved by the people you love most, and eventually by anyone else. She knew it well. “I’m not as ballsy as you are. I’ve never gone to therapy and I probably should. I just accepted the mantle my brother left behind. I tried to be him for a while, and I couldn’t. I’m not him. I’m me. Which is never good enough for them. They’re sad people.” And he wasn’t, which was the good news. But he had lived with the same toxic messages she had, for different reasons. And from some of the self-help books she’d read, she thought he might have survivor guilt in some form.

“I always feel like my parents should be holding up a sign, ‘We don’t love you.’ It would be more honest.” She smiled at him, and he laughed. The visual was so perfect, and exactly what he felt about his parents. Their life experiences were amazingly similar and dovetailed well. They had a lot in common, given difficult relationships with their parents, which they had striven to survive well, and remain healthy people. Both of them felt as though they had made important discoveries about each other by the time the evening ended. He put an arm around her on the way back in the cab, but he didn’t try to kiss her, which was a plus for him. She hated being pawed by strangers who thought you owed it to them because they paid for dinner. He didn’t do that, and she respected him for it. And before they got back to her building, he asked her if she’d like to have dinner again. He said he hoped she would, and apologized for broaching such serious subjects with her on a first date. But for both of them it was real life, and a relief to share it with someone who understood.

“I’d love to have dinner with you again,” she said sincerely, and he suggested that Saturday night, which in theory dispelled the worry that he had a weekend girlfriend, unless he was seeing her on Friday, Victoria reminded herself. Jack had done that. But Collin was not Jack. He was great.

He kissed her on the cheek and saw her to her elevator, and said he’d call her the next day. She was smiling when she walked into the apartment, and Harlan beamed from ear to ear when he saw her. John had already gone to bed.

“I owe you ten bucks,” she said as she walked in, and beat him to it.

“How do you know?” He looked intrigued.

“Fantastic conversations, great evening, great guy. Arm around me in cab on way home. Touched my hand twice at dinner. Doesn’t care if I’m fat or not, he likes ‘real’ women. And invited me to dinner Saturday night.” She was beaming, and he reached over and hugged her. Harlan was always hugging and kissing her. John was always a little cooler with her, it was just his nature, and he was less comfortable with women. He had a horrible mother who used to beat him, and put him off females forever. Everyone has their scars.

“Shit,” Harlan said after he hugged her, “you owe me fifty. Maybe a hundred. That’s better than a date. It’s a real guy. He sounds fantastic. When can I meet him? Before the wedding. Yours, I mean. Screw Gracie’s.” They were both laughing, and she peeled a ten-dollar bill out of her wallet and handed it to him. She had a date! And with a terrific guy! He had been worth waiting nearly thirty years for, although it was much too soon to know what would happen. It might go nowhere, and even if it did, it might fall apart. Real life.

Collin called her right before she went to sleep that night and told her what a great time he’d had, and couldn’t wait to see her again. She felt exactly the same way about him.

“Sweet dreams,” he said before he hung up, and she smiled as she lay in bed with the phone still in her hand after they did. Sweet dreams indeed.

Chapter 24

Victoria’s second date with Collin was even better than the first. They went to a fish restaurant in Brooklyn and had fresh lobster wearing big paper bibs. The restaurant was noisy and fun, and they enjoyed each other. Their conversations were just as meaty as before, and they both felt comfortable talking about themselves and who they really were, and exposing themselves to each other. They started meeting at the gym in the evenings and talking about their day as they rode the bikes. They were totally at ease. He always hugged her and kissed her on the cheek, but it had gone no further and she was fine with that, and liked it.

For their third date, he took her to the ballet because she said she enjoyed it. They went to an exhibit at the Met on a Sunday, and brunch after. He took her to the opening of a Broadway play. She was having a ball with him, and Collin was very creative about where he took her. It was always well thought out and something he thought she’d enjoy.

And after their night at the theater, he looked uncomfortable for the first time when he asked her to dinner. He warned her that it was an evening she might not like, and not likely to be exciting, but he wanted to ask her anyway.

“My parents are coming to town. I’d like you to meet them. But they’re not a lot of fun. They’re just not happy people, and they’ll talk about my brother all night. But it would mean a lot to me if you met them. What do you think?”

“I think they’ve got to be a lot better than mine,” she said gently. She was touched and flattered that he wanted her to meet them.

And when she did, they were everything he had said and worse. They were good-looking, aristocratic people, and they were intelligent. But his mother looked depressed, and his father looked broken by life and the son he had lost. His shoulders drooped, and their faces and lives were colorless. It was as though they didn’t even see Collin, and only the ghost of his brother. All subjects led back to him, and all mention of what Collin was doing led to an unfavorable comparison to his brother. Collin couldn’t win. In their own way they were as bad as her parents, and just as depressing. She wanted to put her arms around Collin and kiss the hurt away after they dropped his parents off at their hotel, but he kissed her instead. It was the first time he had, and everything she felt for him poured out of her, all the compassion and sympathy and love. She wanted to heal all the old hurts he had suffered, and the loneliness of his parents’ rejection of him. They talked for a long time afterward about how hurtful it was for him, and he was grateful for her support.

John and Harlan had already gone to bed when Victoria and Collin went back to her apartment and they talked and kissed for several hours. She disliked his parents almost as much as she did her own, although his had an excuse and hers didn’t. Hers just didn’t like her. His were mourning their son. But either way they had been unkind and unloving and rejecting to the point of being cruel, and in both cases had convinced their own children that they were unlovable. And both of them would carry the scars of it forever, as so many people did. To Victoria, it seemed like one of the worst crimes perpetrated by parents, to convince your own child not only that you didn’t love them, but that they were unworthy of it, and no one else would ever love them either. It had been the curse of her life, and of Collin’s too.

And that night they managed to give each other the love, comfort, and approval that they deserved and had needed for so long. It had been a meaningful evening for both of them. Very much so. And she was no longer telling Harlan everything that happened on their dates. She was developing an allegiance to Collin, which seemed right. And he felt the same way about her. He would only tell his sister so much whenever she called. He wanted to protect Victoria too, and the budding relationship they shared. They were both respectful and discreet.

The next dinner they shared after his parents’ visit was an important one for both of them. It was silly and hokey, and Victoria was embarrassed that it meant so much to her, but it did, and Collin got that. It was Valentine’s Day, and he took her to dinner at a small romantic French restaurant with delicious food, although she ate sensibly. The dinner was wonderful, and afterward they went back to his apartment, not hers. He had champagne for her, and a little gold bracelet with a small diamond heart on it that he put on her wrist, and then he kissed her, and it was the perfect time and place for both of them. She melted into his arms, and a moment later into his bed with him. Their clothes disappeared, and all the lonely years they had lived through until then without each other. And the one thing they both knew, when the evening ended, was how much they were loved. They felt worthy of it, and lovable at last.

From then on their life together took on an everyday quality. They went out to dinner, stayed home, did laundry together, went to the gym, spent nights at his apartment or hers, went to movies, and managed to blend two real lives into one. It all worked, better than either of them could ever have dreamed.

And it was Collin’s idea to take a week off and go away with Victoria for spring break. Gracie was begging her to come to L.A., but Victoria didn’t want to. She knew that her family would spoil it for them, and if they stayed together, he’d have to meet them soon enough. She dreaded introducing him to her parents, and had discussed it several times with her shrink, who was happy for her.

“Why are you afraid of having him meet your parents?” the psychiatrist asked, puzzled by her resistance. And the relationship was going so well. Better than Victoria had ever dreamed.

“What if my parents convince him of how unworthy and unlovable I am, and he decides they’re right?” She looked panicked as she blurted it out.

“Do you really think that’s going to happen?” the doctor asked, looking her in the eye, and Victoria shook her head.

“No. But what if it does? They’re so convincing.”

“No, they’re not. The only one they’ve ever convinced is you. No one but their own child would believe them, which is why what they do is so cruel. No one else would buy into it or has. And Collin sounds a lot smarter than that.”

“He is. I just worry about what they’ll say, and that they’ll humiliate me in front of him.”

“They might. But if they do, I guarantee he won’t like it, and will think even less of them. Have you invited him to your sister’s wedding yet, by the way?” Victoria hadn’t mentioned it.

“Not yet. But I’m going to. I don’t want him to see me in that brown dress that looks so horrible on me. It’s embarrassing.”

“You can still get her to let you wear something else. It’s not too late,” the therapist reminded her.

“I tried. She won’t let me. I just have to suck it up and wear it. But I hate for Collin to see me looking awful.”

“It sounds like he loves you anyway. The brown dress won’t matter to him.” The doctor was sorry Victoria wouldn’t confront her sister about it.

Her sex life with Collin was also terrific, but she had been embarrassed about her weight at first. Even with her weight down she was bigger than she wanted to be, and there were plenty of extra rolls here and there and some jiggle. She didn’t want him to see it, and always turned out the light. She kept covered up and ran to the bathroom in the dark, or wore a robe. Until one day he finally convinced her that he loved her body exactly the way it was, he reveled in it, he worshipped it, he loved every inch of her womanly body, and she actually believed him. He looked at her like a goddess whenever he saw her naked. He made her feel like the queen of sex and the high priestess of love. Nothing had ever been as exciting in her life, and once she began to realize how he felt about her, and believed him, they were in bed all the time. She had never had so much fun in her life, and the desperation came out of her diet. She ate sensibly, and she stayed away from ice cream and the really fattening stuff, and was diligent about going to Weight Watchers. But above all, she wanted to shout from the rooftops that Collin loved her. She was lovable after all. She had never been as happy in her life, and Collin felt the same way too. He basked in the warmth of Victoria’s love, approval, and admiration, and thrived. It was all he had been missing in his life for years. Their life together was a watered garden where everything grew lavishly. The love they shared was a beautiful thing for both of them.

Just before spring break, Victoria had attended a baby shower for Amy Green. She was due to have the baby any minute, and would no longer be attending classes until after it was born. It had been touching to see her so big, with her mother hovering nearby. Amy looked happy, and the arrangement at school had worked well. And she’d be back after the baby, in a few weeks, to take final exams. She’d been accepted at Harvard and NYU. And she had decided to stay in the city, so she could be with her baby and her mother, who was going to help her. And Justin was going to NYU too. It had worked out perfectly for them. He had moved in with her and her mother for the last few months of the pregnancy, with his parents’ approval, although they hadn’t been thrilled at first. But Amy’s family had been reasonable, and it was touching to see young people trying so hard to do the right thing. They had both just turned eighteen. And Victoria had told Collin about them. She loved sharing all aspects of her life with him, and he did the same about his work, and was anxious to introduce her to his friends. Together they were more than they each were alone. They didn’t take away from each other, they added all that they were.

Collin surprised her with a wonderful old remodeled Connecticut farmhouse he had rented for them for spring break. It was private and lovely, and supremely comfortable. It was like playing house for both of them. It was next to a quaint village. They went for long walks, rented horses and rode through the countryside, cooked together at night, and made love all the time. They hated to give back the house when the time was up. It had been perfect.

Everything was going smoothly in both their lives, until a week after they came back from spring break. Victoria was at Collin’s when the call came on her cell. It was Gracie, and she was crying so hard that Victoria couldn’t understand a word she said. From her end of the conversation and the questions she was asking, Collin could tell that something was wrong, but neither of them knew what. She thought maybe one of her parents had died, or Harry. Gracie was incoherent, and Victoria was starting to panic.

“Gracie, calm down!” she shouted at her, and the sobbing continued, and then the story tumbled out.

“He chhh … chhheated on me,” she said, and then dissolved in floods of tears again.

“How do you know?” Victoria asked sharply, thinking that maybe it was a blessing if it kept her from marrying the wrong man. Maybe this was meant to be, and not such a bad thing, however devastating for Gracie.

“I saw him leaving a building with a woman. I was driving to Heather’s house to show her sketches of my dress, and I saw him. He was walking out of the building with her, and he kissed her, and then they got in his car and drove away. He told me he had to meet with his father about some business, and he lied.” She was racked with sobs again. “And he didn’t go home last night. I called him and he didn’t answer the phone.”

“Are you sure it was him?” Victoria asked sensibly.

“Positive. He didn’t see me. My car window was open, and I could even hear them laughing, I was that close. She looked cheap, but I’ve seen her before. I think she’s one of his father’s secretaries.” Gracie was crying like a child.

“Did you tell him you saw him?”

“Yes. He said it’s none of my business, we’re not married yet, and he’s still a free man. And if I bug him about it, he’ll cancel the wedding. He said that’s why my ring is so big, so I keep my mouth shut and stay off his back.” It was a horrible thing to say, and Victoria was shocked. It confirmed who she already thought Harry was, and worse.

“You can’t marry him, Gracie. You can’t marry a man who treats you like that. And he’ll cheat on you again.” Collin had the drift by then, and sat down on the couch next to Victoria with a worried look. He hadn’t met her younger sister, but he felt sorry for her already. She was just a kid.

“I don’t know what to do,” Gracie said, sounding like a lost child.

“Cancel the wedding. You have no other choice. You can’t marry a guy who’s already cheating on you now, sleeping around, and tells you to keep your mouth shut because he gave you a big ring. He doesn’t respect you.” Or himself apparently, Victoria thought to herself. And Collin was nodding approval of what she said. The guy sounded like a creep. He wouldn’t have wanted his sister marrying him either.

“I don’t want to cancel the wedding,” Gracie sobbed. “I love him.”

“You can’t let him treat you like that. Look, why don’t you come to New York for a few days? We’ll talk. Did you tell Dad?”

“Yes. He said men do that sometimes, it doesn’t mean anything.”

“That’s bullshit. Some men do. Decent men don’t if they love their wives. I guess it can happen, but not like that, with some bimbo two months before your wedding. That’s not a good sign.”

“I know.” She sounded devastated and lost.

“I’ll get a ticket. I want you to come tomorrow.” It was too late that night.

“Okay.” Gracie sounded docile between hiccups, and was still crying when she hung up. Immediately after, Victoria called the airline, booked a ticket, and texted Gracie the information. She was willing to take a few days off school if she had to, to spend time with her sister. This was important. She couldn’t marry Harry. There was no question about that. And Collin agreed with her when she told him what had happened.

“This is only the beginning. If he’s already cheating on her now, he’ll never stop. He probably has all along, and she just didn’t know it,” Collin said, and Victoria agreed. He’d had plenty of opportunity, with his family, on trips to Europe, on bachelor party weekends. Collin was right, if Harry was a cheater, Gracie was in for a miserable life. They were still talking about it when they went to bed that night.

The next day Victoria waited till a decent hour to call her between classes. Gracie had just gotten up, after crying most of the night. She said Harry hadn’t called, and the last time she had talked to him, he had again threatened to cancel the wedding, as though Gracie had done something wrong by calling him on his behavior and telling him what she’d seen.

“Let him,” Victoria said harshly. She hoped he would.

“I don’t want him to cancel it,” Gracie said, weeping again, and Victoria was panicked. She couldn’t marry this man. He hadn’t even apologized for what he’d done, and showed no remorse, all of which were terrible signs. He was a badly behaved rich boy who did what he wanted, and was threatening his future wife instead of prostrating himself at her feet, begging her forgiveness, which would have been a start, and maybe still not enough. It wouldn’t have been for Victoria.

“Just get on the plane. We’ll talk about it here. Tell Mom and Dad you want to visit me. Besides, I want you to meet Collin.” She had told her all about him, although this didn’t seem like a good time for them to meet.

“What if he gets madder because I go to New York?” She sounded panicked.

“Gracie, are you nuts? What if he gets madder? He cheated on you. You’re the one who’s supposed to be mad. Not him.”

“He said I was sneaking around, spying on him.”

“Were you?”

“No, I was going to see Heather to show her my dress sketches,” she explained again.

“Exactly, so he’s full of shit. And a cheater. Come to New York.” She reminded her of the flight time, and Gracie had ample time to make it.

“Okay. I’ll come. I’ll see you later,” she said, sounding nervous, but she wasn’t crying. Victoria had put her on a noon flight out of L.A., and it was due to land at JFK at eight P.M. New York time. Victoria was planning to go to the airport to get her. She was going to take a seven o’clock shuttle, which she had already booked. Her cell phone rang at six P.M., while she was at her apartment, getting organized for Gracie, and changing her sheets.

It was Gracie on the phone, and Victoria was confused. “Where are you? Are you calling from the plane, or did you land early?”

“I’m in L.A.” She sounded upset and guilty. “Harry just left. He said he’ll forgive me and he won’t cancel the wedding if I drop this whole thing, and don’t do it again.” She sounded like a robot, and Victoria felt nuts.

“Do what again? Get cheated on? What is he talking about? What are you not supposed to do again?” Her voice was shaking out of anger and concern for her sister. Harry was turning the tables on Gracie and blaming her, when he was so blatantly at fault, not her sister.

“Spy on him, and accuse him of things.” She was crying, but Victoria couldn’t hear it. “He says I don’t know what I’m talking about, and all he did was kiss her, and it’s none of my fucking business anyway.”

“Is this who you want to marry?” Victoria was shouting. She was alone in the apartment and at her wits’ end.

“Yes,” Gracie said sadly, and then started to sob. “I do. I don’t want to lose him. I love him.”

“You’re never going to have him, except in name, if he’s already cheating on you. That’s not enough. He’s blackmailing you into silence, Grace. He’s telling you that if you call him on his shit, even if he’s wrong, he’ll abandon you. He’s an asshole!” Gracie just cried harder.

“I don’t care. I love him!” She was suddenly angry at her sister, instead of her future husband, for making her face the truth, which was too frightening for her to deal with. “He says he won’t cheat on me when we’re married.”

“Do you believe him?”

“Yes! He wouldn’t lie to me.”

“He just did,” Victoria pointed out in a tone of despair. “He was out with another woman two nights ago. You saw him. And he didn’t go home. You told me so yourself. Is that the life you want?”

“No, he won’t do that. He said so. He’s just having wedding jitters.”

“Wedding jitters don’t make you a cheater, or they shouldn’t. And if they do, there shouldn’t be a wedding.”

“I don’t care what you say,” Gracie said venomously. Victoria was dragging her into the light of truth, and she was doing everything to escape and take solace in Harry’s lies. “We love each other, and we’re getting married. And he’s not a cheater.”

“No, he’s a great guy,” Victoria said caustically, “This is disgusting, and you’re the one who’s going to pay the price.”

“No, I’m not,” Gracie said. “It’s going to be fine.” Victoria knew it wouldn’t, and Gracie didn’t want to hear it.

“Are you coming to New York?” Victoria asked in a dead voice.

“No. Harry doesn’t want me to. He says I have too much to do here, and he’d miss me too much.” And he didn’t want his naïve future wife influenced by her wiser older sister, who wasn’t snowed by him. Victoria could figure that out easily.

“I’ll bet. He just doesn’t want you talking to me. Do whatever you want, Gracie. Just know that I’m here for you.” And she knew that sooner or later, her little sister would need her. It broke her heart. And she couldn’t help wondering, as they hung up, if this had happened to her mother too. Maybe her father had cheated on her too at some point, and that was why he was willing to give Harry a pass. He shouldn’t have otherwise, for his daughter’s sake, money or not. Money wasn’t going to give her happiness if Harry was a cheater or a bad guy. But he liked the prestige the alliance gave him by reflection.

Victoria thought about calling her father, but it seemed pointless. He wouldn’t listen to her either. He was too invested in Gracie’s marriage, for the wrong reasons. The three of them were in collusion to get her married to Harry Wilkes, come hell or high water. And it sounded like hell to Victoria. She called Collin and told him what had happened, and he was upset for her. He knew how much she cared about her sister, and this sounded like a bad situation to him.

“It’s a shame your parents aren’t being smarter than this.”

“They’re fools, and they like his name. And she’s a very foolish child. She thinks that if she loses him, there will never be anyone else like him. She’s going to be miserable with him one day.” Collin didn’t disagree. And she was depressed about it that night. She sent Gracie a text telling her that she loved her, but she didn’t call her. There was nothing she could say, except the truth.

And Dr. Watson wasn’t much help the next day. She said the same thing she had all along, even now, after Harry had cheated on Grace, or it looked that way.

“These are her decisions,” she reminded Victoria, “and her life. I agree fully with what you’re saying. He’s blackmailing her, he’s controlling, and he’s probably dishonest. But she’s the only one who can stand up to that and either change it or walk away. You have no part in this.” She was definite about it, and it made Victoria angry at her too. She felt helpless.

“So I have to sit by and watch?” Victoria had tears of rage and frustration in her eyes.

“No, you have to lead your own life. Concentrate on your life with Collin, and I’m glad it’s going well. There is nothing you can or should do about your sister’s life, or her marriage. This is entirely her choice, whether good or bad, and no matter what you think.”

“Even at twenty-two, when she doesn’t know any better and needs guidance?” Victoria cringed at what Dr. Watson was saying, especially because it was true.

“That’s right. She’s not asking you for guidance. She’s telling you to back off.” Victoria knew the therapist was right, which only made her fight harder.

“So she can buy into his lies?” She looked outraged.

“Yes, if that’s what she wants to do, and apparently it is. I don’t like it either, and hearing stories like this disturbs me too. But your hands are tied.”

“I hate this.” She was fiercely upset by Gracie’s marrying him. But she didn’t want to lose her relationship with her sister over this, and she knew she could. Harry had her sister blackmailed into silence, aided and abetted by her youth and neediness and their father’s narcissism and greed. He wanted his daughter married to a Wilkes, at any price, so he could show off. And Gracie was afraid to lose Harry. Victoria was afraid her sister was about to lose herself, which was worse.

The next jolt after that was a call from Grace a week later. As maid of honor, she wanted Victoria to plan a “destination bachelorette weekend” in Las Vegas for her, with all ten of her bridesmaids, including Victoria, which sounded hideous to her. When Victoria inquired, Gracie said everything was great with Harry and changed the subject. She had been threatened into the silence he wanted, even with her sister. If Gracie was worried, she wouldn’t admit it. All she wanted was for Victoria to organize what sounded like a ghastly weekend to her. She really didn’t want to organize it or go, and she didn’t want to enable her marriage to a jerk, but she didn’t have the guts to refuse either.

“Don’t people just go out to dinner anymore for a bachelorette party? Who has time for a destination weekend?” Only people with a lot of money who didn’t work, which was not the case for her.

“No, people do destinations now. Harry had his in St. Bart’s last week. They went for five days,” Gracie said, and Victoria didn’t want to imagine what had gone on there.

She sighed loudly, unhappy with the plan. “Send me a list of what you want, and I’ll see what I can do. Isn’t there someone else who can do this? I work, Gracie, and I’m dealing with the time difference. You’re all on the West Coast, and none of you work.” All of her bridesmaids were spoiled rich girls being supported by their parents, or still in school.

“You’re the maid of honor, you’re supposed to do it,” she said stubbornly, and Victoria felt guilty. The relationship as sisters was strained to the max these days over this wedding.

“When do you want to go?” Victoria asked, sounding discouraged.

“In May,” Gracie said happily, oblivious to her sister’s discomfort.

“Okay. I’ll take care of it. I love you,” Victoria said sadly, and hung up. Gracie had promised to send her all the names and details. And she said their father was paying for that too. He was shelling out big time for this alliance, and would have done none of it for Victoria, she knew. He had even said so to her and told her to elope if she ever found a husband.

Fortunately, in spite of all the stresses over the wedding, things were going well with Collin, but Victoria didn’t consider it good news when she got a call from her mother, saying that her father had to see a client in New York and they were coming in for two days. That was all Victoria needed, and they knew about Collin, so she knew they’d want to meet him. And she had met his parents. She hated the things she knew her father would say about her. She told Collin that night.

“Will you have dinner with them with me?” she asked him with a woebegone look, and he smiled and kissed her.

“Of course.”

“And while we’re on the subject, there’s something I want to ask you.”

“The answer is yes,” he teased her. “What’s the question?” He knew how upset and anxious she was these days, and he felt sorry for her. She was worried for her sister, justifiably, from all he’d heard.

“Will you go to my sister’s wedding with me?” she asked, and he smiled at her.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

“Everyone else looks gorgeous in the bridesmaid dress, and I look like shit in it. Be prepared. You won’t be proud of me,” she said with tears in her eyes.

“I will be proud of you, and to be with you. And you couldn’t look like shit if you tried. When are your parents coming, by the way?”

“In two days.” She made it sound like the end of the world, and it was to her. Her father would make a fool of her in front of the man she loved and prove how unlovable she was. And what if Collin believed him? It didn’t occur to her that it would make her father look bad and not her. Collin knew just how lovable she was.

She made the calls for Vegas the next day, although Dr. Watson reminded her that she could refuse to if she wanted to. But she didn’t want to disappoint Gracie. She never did.

And her parents arrived in New York the day after. They were staying at the Carlyle, and invited her and Collin to the Bemelmans Bar for drinks. As it turned out, her parents had to dine with her father’s client and didn’t have time for dinner with them, which was a blessing. Drinks would be enough. She knew her father could destroy her in five minutes—he didn’t need a whole evening to do it.

She could see immediately how impressed her father was with Collin, and how surprised he looked, as though he couldn’t believe that Collin would be with someone like her. Victoria couldn’t believe it either, but he wanted to be with her and had proven it abundantly for the last four months.

Everyone was on their best behavior, and they’d been chatting for half an hour when her father commented that he hoped she was watching what she ate so she’d fit into the maid of honor dress her sister had ordered for her. Victoria stiffened when he said it.

“I’ve lost weight, Dad,” she said quietly, “and we go to the gym every day.”

“I’m sure you’re a good influence on her,” he said, smiling broadly at Collin, who looked guarded as he waited to see what would come next. “Watch out for the ice cream, though,” he said with the laughter she hated. Neither he nor her mother had noticed the weight she’d lost, nor her new nose, which Collin didn’t know about either. She’d never told him. She didn’t think he needed to know. He turned to Collin then and told him what a great guy Harry was, and how pleased they were about the marriage.

Victoria spoke up in a clear voice then. “No, he’s not a great guy, Dad. He cheated on her, and you know it.” Her father looked startled for a minute, to be called on it. He looked at Victoria intently.

“Just some harmless high jinks,” he said blithely. “All boys do things like that before they get married. It takes the pressure off.” He winked at Collin, as though he would agree with him. Collin did not return the wink.

“How can you let her marry someone who is already cheating on her before the wedding?” Victoria said, looking upset, as her mother pretended not to hear her and sipped her drink, staring into space. She had checked out.

“Just a little lovers’ quarrel, and a misunderstanding, I’m sure,” her father insisted, still smiling. Victoria wanted to blow a gasket, but she didn’t. She knew there was no point arguing with him. He wasn’t going to agree with her, and he fully approved of the marriage, no matter what Harry did. And Collin looked undismayed by the scene. He looked pleasant and strong, and his whole demeanor conveyed the fact that he was Victoria’s ally and no one else’s. Her father got the message that she had an ally now, and anyone who attacked or belittled her would be dealing with Collin too. It came across loud and clear, even without words. Her parents left shortly after, and told Collin it had been great to meet him.

“They weren’t as bad as usual,” Victoria said as they left the Carlyle and walked toward her neighborhood. It was a balmy evening, and they were holding hands. She was stressed just from seeing her parents, and everything else that was happening these days, over which she had no control.

“They didn’t fool me,” Collin said quietly. “I heard him about the dress, the weight, the ice cream, and he doesn’t give a damn if Harry cheats on your sister. He wants her married to a rich boy. He thinks it makes him look good. Just like my parents thought all of my brother’s accomplishments made them look good, so they could brag about him, and mine were never good enough. I know exactly what these people are like,” he said as he looked at Victoria sympathetically. He could see what she had dealt with all her life, and the toll it took on her. She looked unhappy and uncomfortable in her own skin as they walked along. And she seemed tense and withdrawn when he kissed her on the way home. It was as though she was pulling away from him too. He could see it in her eyes. He stopped walking, and he looked at her.

“I’m not the enemy, they are. I hear them. You’re not good enough so no one could ever love you. Come here,” he said, pulling her into his arms and looking into her huge blue eyes that were the same color as his own. “I love you. You are lovable. They’re idiots. And I love everything about you, just the way you are. Now that’s my message to you. It’s not theirs. It’s mine. You are the most lovable woman I’ve ever known.” As he said it, he kissed her, and tears of relief slid down her cheeks, and she sobbed in his arms. He had just told her everything she had waited to hear all her life, and had never heard before.

Chapter 25

When Victoria got to school the next day, there was a huge bunch of blue balloons in the lobby that one of the students had brought in. There was a big sign up on the bulletin board. Amy Green had had her baby, a little boy. He weighed six pounds eight ounces, was nineteen inches long, and his name was Stephen William. Victoria was happy for her, and hoped it had gone well. She was sure she would hear all about it from some of the girls. The school was buzzing with the news all day.

Victoria heard later in one of her classes that Justin had been in the delivery room with Amy, with her mother. They hadn’t known the baby’s sex before, so that had been a surprise for them, and mother and baby were supposedly doing well, and going home in another day. She was hoping to be back at school in two weeks, three at the most. The school had really made it work for her. Victoria was planning to go and visit her when Amy felt up to it. The girls who talked to her said she felt great, and the delivery hadn’t been too bad. Victoria was relieved. They were young, but at least they were seniors, not freshmen. It was a long shot, but they had a chance at making it work, especially with Amy’s mother’s help and support.

During one of her breaks, Victoria had more calls to make on the Vegas trip, and she called her sister about it that weekend. Gracie sounded calmer than she had during the discovery of Harry’s cheating. And it had been neatly swept under the rug, per Harry’s wishes. Everyone was cooperating with him on that, especially the bride and her parents, which Victoria didn’t think was the way it should be at all. But she was trying to detach from it. Collin and she went to the gym every morning, not because he was concerned about her weight, but because he said it would help her with stress, and it seemed to. She was feeling less anxious again, and she gave Gracie all the details she had arranged for the Vegas bachelorette weekend, which she still thought was a bad idea, or not one she’d enjoy anyway. She would have much preferred a quiet weekend in Santa Barbara with Gracie and her friends, at the Biltmore or the San Ysidro Ranch. But they were young, and they wanted to play.

She had booked rooms for all of them at the Bellaggio, two girls to a room, and the girls all had to give Gracie their credit card numbers. Victoria had made dinner reservations, and gotten tickets to Cirque du Soleil. She would be flying in from New York, and the others from L.A., arriving on Friday night and leaving on Sunday morning, when they checked out of the hotel. She had done her job as maid of honor, and her sister was happy with the plan, and apologized for putting pressure on her about it.

“It’s okay. This is your big moment,” Victoria said, trying to be a good sport about it, which she always was. And in this case, doubly so, since she disliked Harry so much and was so worried about her sister. She felt as though she were leading her to her own execution, but it was what Gracie wanted. And Dr. Watson was right. It was Gracie’s life.

“I’ll do it for you one day,” Gracie said, sounding more like herself. Victoria knew she was under a lot of pressure, not just with the wedding, but from Harry, who was calling all the shots, and more so every day. A number of things had been changed to suit him. He was taking her to the South of France on their honeymoon. First to the Hôtel du Cap in Cap d’Antibes, and then to St. Tropez, where he wanted to meet up with his friends, on his honeymoon with Grace.

“I hope you won’t be doing it for me in Vegas,” Victoria laughed, relaxing a little.

“How’s Collin?” Gracie was anxious to meet him, and she couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen her sister since Thanksgiving. It was the longest they had ever gone without seeing each other, and a lot was changing for both of them.

“Terrific.”

“Dad liked him,” Gracie commented, which surprised Victoria, since Collin had sat there like a vigilante protecting her, and had sent out a strong subliminal message to her father. Maybe he hadn’t gotten it or pretended not to. “He was surprised he was with you. He said he seems like a successful guy, and thought he was more likely to be with another lawyer, and not a schoolteacher. But he liked him.” The putdown was clear. She wasn’t good enough for Collin. Now the messages were coming with Gracie. She was not only Harry’s puppet, she was their father’s.

“Maybe he likes me,” Victoria said quietly. She felt totally secure in his love now, and it was a great feeling.

“Mom says he’s very good-looking.”

“Yes, he is. I’m sure that surprised Dad too. I’m sure he expects me to be dating someone he considers a loser like me.”

“He’s not that bad. Don’t be so hard on him.” Gracie defended their father, and Victoria wouldn’t enter that conversation with her. She knew it was pointless. He was giving Gracie a big wedding and everything she wanted, and she was buying the party line, from him and her future husband. And he was the father who had always been nice to her and adored her. And if she was willing to be Harry’s enabling handmaiden, she was willing to be her father’s too. She and her mother had that in common now, and Victoria was at the opposite end of the spectrum. She was the freedom fighter taking a stand for the truths no one wanted to hear. And Collin was her ally now, not Gracie. Those days were over, and would never come again if she married Harry, and it looked like she would. Victoria missed the relationship she had once had with her sister and no longer did, and she was more grateful than ever to have Collin.

She finished up the details with Gracie for the Vegas trip, and then she spent a peaceful weekend with Collin. She was going to Las Vegas the following weekend. She wasn’t looking forward to it. It wasn’t her idea of a fun trip.

She went to visit Amy Green and her baby before she left. He was adorable and tiny, and Amy looked happy. She was nursing him, and was going to pump when she went back to school. It was only for a few weeks before summer vacation. Justin was there too, and looked like a proud papa as he held the baby while Amy chatted with Victoria. She had brought them a little blue sweater and booties, and Amy put them on him like a little doll. It was odd watching these two young kids as parents now. Babies having babies, but they both seemed mature and responsible with their son, and her mother was always hovering nearby to help them. It was an ideal situation for Amy and Justin, and had given her mother new life after the divorce. It looked like a blessing for all.

The next day Victoria flew to Las Vegas after school. She had promised to call Collin, and he knew how she was dreading the trip. She was sure Gracie’s friends would drink a lot, play, gamble, go crazy, and pick up boys, since none of them were married. She felt like a chaperone on one of her senior school trips. They were a bunch of twenty-two- and twenty-three-year-olds prepared to go wild. And she felt like the old lady in the group, about to turn thirty.

The one nice thing about the trip was that Victoria got to see her sister, and Gracie threw herself into her arms when she arrived. She checked out Victoria’s new nose and said she liked it.

The girls had started drinking before she got there, and some of them had already played the slot machines and won a little money. They all went out to dinner, and afterward they wandered through the casino, which was a strange, artificially lit world, full of bright lights, no windows, excited people, money changing hands, and girls in sexy costumes passing out free drinks. Some of it was wasted on the girls, but they loved the atmosphere and had already discovered that there was good shopping in all the hotels, particularly theirs, and lots of single men roaming around the casino and hotel.

Victoria felt as though she had to stay with them all evening, and she was exhausted and bored. They were mostly silly and had too much to drink, and flirted with the men they saw, except for Gracie, who behaved. Harry called her all night to check on her. It was two o’clock when Victoria finally got to her room. She was the only one who didn’t have a roommate and didn’t want one. Gracie was rooming with her best friend. And Victoria couldn’t call Collin when she finally got to her room because it was too late in New York, although she had texted him several times and he had responded with encouraging messages to hang in. It was a marathon weekend, but she felt it her duty as maid of honor, and Gracie was visibly loving every minute of it. She was like a kid in Disneyland more than a bride.

The next day was chock-full with shopping, lunch, gambling, massages, manicures, pedicures, a swim in the pool, dinner at Le Cirque, Cirque du Soleil, which was a spectacular show, and finally back to the casino till three A.M. It was easy to lose track of time there, as there were no clocks and time seemed to stand still, which was what the casinos wanted. And some of the girls stayed up all night, and got blind drunk, but Gracie didn’t. And Victoria slipped away at three and went back to her room to sleep.

They all met for a late brunch the next day, and then Victoria left the group to go back to New York. The others were leaving later, and she kissed Gracie before she left. Some of her friends had ferocious hangovers, but all of the girls said they’d had fun.

“You did a great job,” Gracie thanked her. “I guess I won’t see you till the wedding,” she said wistfully. “I really miss you.”

“I’m coming out a few days early to help you,” Victoria reassured her. And then they hugged again, and Victoria left, grateful to be going home to New York. It had been a very long weekend. It hadn’t been terrible, and there had been no mishaps, but she hadn’t had fun either. Going to Las Vegas was not her idea of a good time. And Collin had told her several times how happy he was not to be there. She chatted with him on the phone, as she waited at the airport for her flight. He was going to meet her at his apartment, and he had promised her an early night. She needed it. And she had a big project at school the next day. It was the annual school play. They were doing Annie. It was a huge production, and she had promised to help backstage, with scenery and costumes, just as she had in high school. She had missed all the dress rehearsals that weekend. But she was sure someone would fill her in. From what she had seen so far, it was going to be great. And they had a final dress rehearsal on Monday morning. The big opening for parents and guests was Monday night. And one of her students was the star of the show, with a voice worthy of Broadway. Collin had said he’d try to come.

She had never been as happy to see anyone as she was to see him that night. She folded into his arms with relief. She had been anxious and felt as if she were on duty all weekend, trying to make everything go smoothly for her sister, and some of the girls weren’t easy. They were spoiled young women who were used to getting their way. But in spite of that everything had gone well. And Collin got into bed with her after they showered together. They made love, and five minutes later Victoria was asleep, as he tucked her in with a gentle smile. He had missed her.

They both left early the next morning. She had some things to do in her office before she went to the auditorium to start helping with the stage production. And she was there till noon while they set up, ran through all the musical numbers again, and Victoria was pushing scenery around with the students when she backed up, trying to make room for another big piece of scenery that was coming through. She stepped backward to avoid being knocked over, and before she could stop herself, she had fallen off the stage and lay flat on her back. There was a collective gasp as everyone saw it happen, and she was unconscious for a minute, and then she came to, and reassured everyone that she was fine. But she didn’t look it. She was deathly pale, and when she tried to stand up, she couldn’t. She had an excruciating pain in her leg, which was at an odd angle from her body. She insisted she’d be all right, but Helen went to get Mr. Walker and the school nurse, and they called 911. Victoria was mortally embarrassed when the paramedics walked in and put her on a stretcher. She had tried to get up, and she couldn’t, and she had gotten a nasty bump on her head when she fell. And in the ambulance, they told her that it looked like her leg might be broken, and she told them that was impossible, she hadn’t fallen that hard, but Helen, who had gone in the ambulance with her, said she had, and hit her head hard too. They wanted to do some X-rays and a CT scan of her head.

“This is so stupid,” she said, trying to be brave about it, but she felt nauseous and her blood pressure was low. And she called Collin and told him what had happened. He promised to meet her at the hospital right away. She told him he didn’t have to.

“I know you think you’re not worthy of it, you goof. But I love you, and I’m coming up. I’ll find you when I get there.” She started to cry when he said it. She was scared, and relieved that he was coming, but she would never have asked him to.

He found her in the emergency room when he arrived. They had already seen on the X-ray that her leg was broken, although it was a simple fracture and didn’t need surgery, just a cast, much to her relief. And she had a mild concussion, and all she needed for that was rest.

“Well, you did quite a morning’s work, didn’t you?” Collin said ruefully. He was worried about her, but relieved it wasn’t worse, and she didn’t say it, but she was thrilled she hadn’t hurt her new nose. And after they set her leg and put the cast on it, Collin took her home and set her up on pillows on the couch. He brought her mushroom barley soup and a tuna fish sandwich to eat. She had crutches, and they told her they would take the cast off in four weeks, about ten days before Grace’s wedding.

Collin had to go back downtown for a pretrial meeting at his office that he couldn’t get out of, but he promised to be back as soon as he could. She thanked him, and he kissed her, and flew out the door, and then she called Harlan at work and told him what had happened.

“You klutz,” he teased her, and she laughed, but it hurt. They said it would for a few days. She called Gracie too, and she and Harry sent her flowers, and Harlan brought her a stack of magazines when he came home. And an hour later, Collin walked in with a cooked chicken and grilled vegetables from Citarella for all of them, and kissed his patient.

“Sorry. I came back as soon as I could. We’re trying to settle the case.” She felt like a queen surrounded by her court as they all fussed over her, and Collin stayed with her that night. She was in a lot of pain, and he gave her the pain-killers and rubbed her back in bed.

“You’re a good nurse,” she said, thanking him. “I’m sorry. This is so stupid.”

“Yeah, I figured you did it on purpose.” He smiled at her. She had been sorry to miss the play, but she was in too much pain to go, and she was sorely disappointed. And she was annoyed that she’d have to be on crutches. At least the cast was due to come off before the wedding, if it healed well. It was a headache she didn’t need. Her mother had called her that night too, and left a message on her voice mail that she was sorry to hear about her leg.

She hobbled into school the next day, and all the students helped her get around. Helen and Carla came to check on her in her classroom, and Eric Walker stopped by to say hello. Everyone was happy to see her back, and they said Annie had gone fabulously. And at the end of the day she was really tired, and took a cab home. She realized on her way back to the apartment that she was not going to be able to exercise for the next month, and she was terrified she would gain weight. She said as much to Harlan when he got home. Her vow to herself had been to lose twenty-five pounds by June, have a life, and a man she cared about. She had a life now, with Collin, and she had never been happier. She had lost eighteen pounds and looked great. But she had wanted to lose the last seven pounds before the wedding and it would be hard now, hobbling around on crutches, unable to exercise, and lying on the couch.

“You just have to be careful not to eat crazy,” Harlan warned her. “No ice cream. No cookies. No pizza. No bagels. No cream cheese. Especially since you can’t move around much.”

“I won’t, I promise,” she said, although she had a small urge for ice cream that night when her leg hurt. But she didn’t ask for any, and she didn’t go near the freezer. But she had two helpings of pasta for dinner, which tasted great. And she vowed not to do it again. No comfort foods in the next month. Or she’d look like a blimp at the wedding, and prove her father right, that she was hopeless.

She shared her concerns with Collin, and he told her that whatever she gained while she was on crutches, she could lose again once she could exercise, and so what if she didn’t.

“You don’t need to worry about it. You’re a beautiful woman, and one dress size is not a big deal, one way or another.”

“It is to me,” she said sadly. “And I don’t want to look like a brown cow in that dress.”

“That dress doesn’t sound like you, no matter what size it is. I can’t see you in brown,” he said cautiously, although women’s fashions were not his area of expertise.

“You will soon,” she said unhappily, worrying about her weight. She wanted to visualize herself into thinness. She had bought a pale blue chiffon dress for the rehearsal dinner, with a silver bolero and high-heeled silver sandals. It was very flattering and slimming, she was happy about that, but her dress for the wedding still upset her. It was a total no-win for her.

“We can have a ceremonial burning of the dress after the wedding,” Collin said with a sympathetic grin. “I would love you in a burlap bag, so don’t worry about it.” She smiled at him, and they kissed. They stayed at her apartment for a few days until she felt better, and then they went back to his, which was easier for him, and it was closer to his office.

He broached an interesting subject with her one Sunday afternoon at his place, two weeks after she’d broken her leg. “What would you think about our getting a place together one of these days? We could look for it this summer.” Up till now they had been going back and forth between apartments. They had been dating for five months, and their relationship was so solid that they both felt ready to make the move, and then see what developed later. “How does that sound to you?” Until then, when he was preparing a trial and working late, he stayed at his place. The rest of the time he stayed with her during the week, and she stayed with him most weekends.

“It sounds good,” she said peacefully, and leaned over and kissed him. He had signed her cast six times, and Harlan twice, and John added his name in red. And every kid in school had signed it at least once. Helen said it was the most decorated cast in New York, and looked like an art exhibit, or an example of graffiti. “I like that idea a lot,” Victoria said about living with him.

“So do I. Will Harlan and John be upset?” he asked with a look of concern.

“No. I think they’re both doing okay now, and can afford to keep the apartment without me. They might like the space.” He nodded. And they were in no hurry to find their own place. Collin wanted to start looking at the end of June, early July.

They told Harlan and John a few days later, when they went back to the apartment. Harlan said he wasn’t surprised. He had been expecting something like that, or an announcement of their engagement, he said with a mischievous look at Collin, who just laughed and smiled at Victoria. They hadn’t talked about it yet, but it had crossed his mind. His sister had said the same thing, and she wanted to meet Victoria that summer. There was time. There was no need for them to do anything in a hurry. They were enjoying what they had. They had both waited a lifetime for it, and were savoring every moment. And his sister had just met someone too. Collin hadn’t met him yet, but he sounded perfect for her. He was a widowed doctor with two young kids, and his sister said they were really cute. Five and seven. Life had a way of working out. The lid-for-every-pot theory seemed to work, if you waited long enough and were patient. Victoria was now a firm believer in it. They agreed to start looking for an apartment together after her sister’s wedding, when she was no longer in a cast and on crutches and could get around. He had a lull between trials, and she’d be out of school then. She could hardly wait.

Victoria got her cast taken off three days after school closed for the summer. The leg felt a little weak and wobbly, but she had to do physical therapy and exercise, and they said that would strengthen it. And in the meantime, she had to be on her feet for the wedding. She could put her full weight on her leg, but it didn’t feel strong. And she couldn’t overdo at the gym yet. She had to do therapy first.

She didn’t say anything to anyone, but the day she got the cast off, she walked into her bathroom and weighed herself, and as soon as she did, she sat down on the edge of the tub and burst into tears. She had been careful, but not totally. There had been some pasta on bad nights when her leg hurt and she needed comfort food, a couple of pizzas, the occasional ice cream, cheese and crackers, and there had been mashed potatoes and some delicious meat loaf Harlan had brought home from the deli. And it all added up. It spelled out that, immobilized as she had been and unable to exercise at the gym, she had gained back seven of the eighteen pounds she’d lost. So instead of losing twenty-five pounds for the wedding, she’d lost eleven. She knew she might be able to knock off another three or four if she tried hard and did a regime of special herbal teas before the wedding. So now she was going to be wearing an unflattering dress that didn’t suit her, and she’d be fat. She sat there and cried, and as she did, Collin walked into the bathroom.

“What happened?” He looked worried. “Is your leg hurting?”

“No, my ass is,” she said, looking angry at herself. “I gained seven pounds with my stupid broken leg.” She was embarrassed to admit it to him, but he could see that she was crying, so she’d told him.

“You’ll lose it, and who cares,” he said, and then he had an idea. “I’m throwing your scale away. I don’t want your whole life dictated by what you weigh. You look great. I love you. And if you gain five pounds or lose ten, who gives a fuck? I don’t.”

“I do,” she said unhappily, and blew her nose in a tissue, still sitting on the edge of the tub.

“That’s different,” Collin said. “Then do it for you, don’t do it for me. I don’t care. I love you the way you are, whatever size you happen to be.” She looked at him with a smile.

“How did I get lucky enough to find you? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me at a gym,” she said.

“We earned each other, by being miserable for a long time. We deserve to be happy,” Collin said, and leaned down to kiss her.

“And loved,” she added, and then he kissed her again, and she stood up and he took her in his arms.

“When are you leaving for L.A., by the way?” He knew it was soon, now that she had her cast off. That was what she had been waiting for, and the green light from her doctor. And now she had it.

“In two days. I hate to leave before you do,” Victoria said with a sigh, “but Gracie says she needs me.”

“Just watch out for your parents. They bite,” he warned her, and she laughed. He was right. “It’s a little bit like swimming with the sharks. And I’ll be out on the Thursday before the wedding. I tried to come out earlier, but I can’t. I’ve got to try and settle this case if I can before I come out.”

“I’ll be fine,” she said bravely, and he kissed her again.

In the end, Victoria spent the weekend with him in New York, and she left on Monday for L.A. Collin was due to arrive three days later. She assured him confidently that she could deal with her family on her own for three days—she’d been coexisting with them for nearly thirty years.

Gracie met her at the airport and drove her back to the house. She said that all her bridesmaids were in town. The dresses had been altered and tried on and were perfect. The caterer was organized. The florist was on track. They had picked their music for the church and the reception, and hired the band. She loved her dress, and Vera Wang had done it in the end. She went down her whole checklist, and everything was fine, and then she remembered that her sister hadn’t tried her dress yet.

“You should try it when we get back to the house,” Gracie said, with a worried look. “Do you think you’ll need it altered?” she asked, glancing over at Victoria next to her in the car. She looked about the same to her, but you couldn’t always tell.

“No, I’m not much thinner than I was,” Victoria said, looking discouraged.

“I meant bigger,” Gracie said hesitantly, and Victoria shook her head. That was how they all thought of her, as an ever-growing mountain that never got smaller, only bigger. She’d lost a pound since she took off the cast, but no more than that. She wasn’t exercising enough to make a difference, even without carbs.

And when they got there, their mother was at the house, checking gifts off a list. There were piles of silver and crystal in fancy boxes. They had turned their dining room into a warehouse.

Her father was at the office, and Victoria didn’t see him till that night. When she did, he hugged her and commented that she looked well. With him, healthy and well were always synonyms for bigger and fatter. She thanked him, said he did too, and walked into the other room. She hadn’t seen him since he met Collin in New York. And she remembered Collin’s comment about sharks and steered clear.

She managed to tread water for three days until Collin arrived. They had a family dinner that night, for both families, which was fairly benign. And the rehearsal dinner was the next day at the Wilkeses’ country club. The wedding reception was being held at the Dawsons’ swim and tennis club in a huge garden, under an enormous “crystal” tent that had cost a fortune. Five hundred and forty guests had accepted.

The morning that Collin was due to arrive, Victoria got a few minutes alone with her sister and asked her once and for all if she wanted to go through with this and if she was sure about Harry. And if so, she promised to forever hold her peace. Gracie looked at her solemnly and said that she was sure.

“Are you happy?” she asked her. She didn’t look it. She looked terribly stressed, and whenever Harry was around she was jumping through hoops to please him. If she married him, that was what her life was going to be like from now on. It was what he thought he deserved. Victoria hated it for Gracie.

“Yes, I am happy,” Gracie answered, and then Victoria sighed and nodded her head.

“Okay. I’m on board. That’s all I want for you. And you can tell him from me that if he ever makes you unhappy, I will personally kick his ass,” Victoria said, and Gracie laughed nervously. She was afraid her sister meant it.

“He won’t,” Gracie said seriously. “I know he won’t!” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself.

“I hope you’re right.”

Victoria didn’t bring it up again after that, and she was relieved when Collin arrived. Harry went to considerable lengths to impress him and charm him, and Collin was polite and went along with it, but Victoria could see that Collin didn’t like him. And she didn’t either. But they were stuck with him now. For better or worse.

The rehearsal dinner was a monumental affair, done by the fanciest caterer in L.A., with all the most important people there. The Wilkeses were extremely gracious, and they made an effort to make all the Dawsons feel at home, and they said all the nicest things about Gracie. She was young, of course, but they said they thought she was the perfect wife for their son. And Jim Dawson went on and on ad nauseam about how much he loved Harry. And there were endless speeches at dinner, some of them clever, and most of them very boring. Victoria was going to have to say a few words too, but she was doing it at the wedding, as older sister and maid of honor.

Victoria was looking beautiful in the pale blue chiffon gown she had bought for the occasion. And Collin had complimented her several times. Her father had had quite a few drinks, when he came over to Victoria and Collin after the rehearsal dinner started to break up and people were milling around. He had on his hale-and-hearty voice, which Victoria knew was usually a bad sign, and when he was most likely to take potshots at her. She wanted to warn Collin as her father walked over, but she didn’t have time. He was standing on top of them before she could say a word.

“So,” he said, looking at Collin as though he were fourteen and had just shown up to take Victoria out for the first time, “you’ve made a good choice here. Victoria is our smart one. Gracie’s our beauty. Smart women are always interesting to have around.” It was his first shark attack of the night. She hadn’t seen him talk to Collin till then. And there was blood in the water. As usual, it was hers. Collin looked at him pleasantly as he put an arm around Victoria’s shoulders and pulled her close to him. She could feel his strength as he held her, and his protection. And for once in her life, she felt safe. She always did with him. And loved.

“I’m afraid I don’t agree with you, sir,” Collin said politely.

“About smart women?” He looked surprised. Usually, his opinions were never challenged, no matter how outrageous, inaccurate, or insulting. No one ever bothered.

“No, about your family beauty and brain. I’d say Victoria is both, beauty and brain. You underestimate her. Don’t you agree?” Her father stammered for a minute, and then nodded, not sure how to respond. Victoria almost laughed, and she squeezed Collin’s hand in silent thanks. But her father wasn’t willing to let it go at that. He didn’t like being contradicted or interfered with while belittling his daughter.

He gave a hollow laugh, which was another bad and familiar sign. “It’s amazing how genes skip generations, isn’t it? Victoria looks exactly like my grandmother, she always has, and nothing like us. She even has my grandmother’s build, coloring, and nose.” He was hoping to embarrass her, because he knew how much she had hated her nose all her life. It was his revenge for the protection Collin provided her. Innocently, Collin leaned closer and studied Victoria’s nose, and turned to her father with a puzzled expression.

“It looks very much like her mother and sister’s nose to me,” Collin said honestly. And of course it did, thanks to Dr. Schwartz, but Collin didn’t know that, as Victoria blushed. Her father looked annoyed and looked closer himself, and he had to admit, to himself if not to Collin, it did look like Gracie and her mother’s nose.

“Strange, it used to look just like my grandmother’s,” he muttered. “She’s a big girl like my grandmother though,” he said with a malevolent glint in his eye. It was the description she had loathed since she was a child.

“Do you mean tall?” Collin asked with a smile.

“Yes, of course.” Her father recanted for the first time ever, and then without further comment, he slunk off into the crowd. His barbs had been as sharp as ever, but this time they had missed their mark. It was obvious to her father that Victoria didn’t care, and even more so that Collin loved her. Her father had lost the target of his jokes and putdowns forever. Victoria sighed as she watched him find her mother and tell her it was time to go.

“Thank you,” Victoria said quietly to Collin. She would have liked to confront her father herself, but she was still afraid to. There was too much water behind that dam. Maybe one day, but not now.

Collin had an arm around her as they walked to where the valet parkers had the cars and limousines. “I can’t believe the shit he says about you,” he said, looking annoyed. “What’s with the nose?” he asked looking puzzled, and she burst out laughing as they waited for the car and driver Collin had hired for the night.

“I had a nose job during Christmas vacation. That was the car accident when I met you,” she said, looking embarrassed at having kept it from him out of vanity until then. But she didn’t want any secrets from him, now or ever; so she made a clean breast of it, and was relieved. “I hated my nose, and he always made cracks about it. So I fixed it. I never told them, just Gracie. Neither he nor my mom noticed when I saw them in New York, or now.” Collin couldn’t help smiling at her admission.

“That was a nose job when I met you?” He looked amazed. “I thought it was a horrible accident.”

“It was my new nose,” she said, looking half proud and half shy.

He studied it for a minute with a grin. He had had a fair amount to drink too, or he wouldn’t have taken on her father. He didn’t usually do that. But his putdowns of Victoria irritated Collin beyond belief. “It’s an extremely cute nose.” He complimented her. “I love it.”

“I think you’re drunk,” she said with a laugh. She had enjoyed watching him subtly take apart her father.

“Actually, I am drunk. But not dangerously so.” He stopped to kiss her, and then their car and driver showed up and they got in. He was staying at the house with her, so they were bound to run into her father again, but they went into her room quickly when they got back. And Collin was so tired, he was asleep in five minutes. Victoria lay with him for a while, and then she went to find Gracie in her room.

She poked her head in the door, and Gracie was sitting on her bed and looking a little lost. Victoria went in and sat down next to her, as she used to when they were kids. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Nervous about tomorrow. I feel like I’m going to his family and losing ours,” she said, looking anxious. Victoria wouldn’t have considered it a loss, except for Gracie, but she knew Gracie did. She loved her parents. And they loved her.

“You won’t lose me,” Victoria reassured her. “You’ll never lose me.” Gracie hugged her without saying a word. Gracie looked like she was about to cry, but she didn’t. Victoria couldn’t help wondering if she was having second thoughts about Harry. She should. But she didn’t admit it if she did. “The wedding will be fine,” Victoria said soothingly. But sadly, the marriage would not, or at least Victoria doubted it.

“I like Collin,” Gracie said, to change the subject. “He’s really nice, and I think he loves you a lot.” It was easy to see, he took wonderful care of her, and looked at her adoringly like he was the luckiest man in the world.

“I love him a lot too,” she said happily.

“Do you think you’ll marry him?” It looked that way to her, and Victoria smiled.

“I don’t know. He hasn’t asked. It’s too soon. We’re happy like this for now. We’re going to get an apartment together this summer.” They were moving slowly, but Gracie was about to become a real married woman in a few hours. She seemed much too young to her sister to take such a big step, especially to Harry, who was going to control every aspect of her thought and life. It made Victoria sad for her. But this was what she said she wanted, and the price she was willing to pay to be with him.

“I’m sorry about the brown dress,” Gracie said suddenly, with a guilty look. “I should have picked something that suits you better. I just liked the dress. But I should have thought about you.” Victoria was touched that Gracie realized it and told her, as she gave her a forgiving hug.

“It’s okay. I’ll get even with you when I get married. I’ll pick something you look like shit in.” They both laughed and chatted for a while, and then Victoria hugged her and went back to her room. She felt sorry for her little sister. She had the feeling she wasn’t going to have an easy life. A moneyed one for sure, but not necessarily a good one. All she could do now was hope for the best for her sister. They were each responsible for their own lives.

Victoria got into bed next to Collin, smiled at him, and then cuddled up with him and went to sleep. For the first time in her life, she felt safe in her parents’ house.

Chapter 26

On the morning of the wedding, the house was bustling with excitement and activity from the moment everyone got up. There was breakfast laid out in the kitchen so people could help themselves. Collin and Victoria took theirs out to the garden so they didn’t get in anyone’s way. Gracie was having a manicure and pedicure in her room. The hairdresser came to do all the women in the house. All Victoria wanted was a simple French twist, so she went first.

The wedding was set for seven o’clock that night, but people came and went all day. All the bridesmaids were there from lunchtime on, and Victoria couldn’t get near her sister, so she left them alone, and did whatever she could to help her mother. But everything seemed in surprisingly good control. And Gracie’s wedding gown was laid out in her mother’s room. Her father had been relegated to the guest room to dress, and everyone seemed to have something to do. There were a million phone calls and deliveries, and Collin volunteered to man the doors and phones. Victoria’s father disappeared for a while, and then came back, but he never said a word to Victoria all day, nor to Collin. He had gotten a dose of his own medicine the night before, and Victoria was glad. It was about time. And Collin had done it well, with style and finesse. With his protection, her father would think twice before attacking her again.

And by five o’clock the countdown had begun. The hairdresser did Gracie’s hair. All the bridesmaids had been done. And at six o’clock they all slipped into their dresses. Victoria took a deep breath and put hers on, and one of the bridesmaids zipped it up, while another one held it closed, and Victoria held her breath. She didn’t look in the mirror. She could feel how it looked. She could hardly breathe, even with the weight she’d lost, and her breasts were tightly compressed and poured out of the strapless dress. It was excruciatingly tight, and the zipper almost didn’t close. And she knew just how ugly it looked on her, but she really didn’t care. Collin loved her, and if it wasn’t the best dress for her, it wasn’t important. She had found brown satin shoes to match and slipped them on. The heels were high, and she suddenly looked like a very tall woman. But a good-looking woman. She felt like she had come into her own in the last year, not just because of Collin, but the efforts she’d made to free herself of the past and the damage it had done. Collin had happened because she was ready for him. She had made the changes, and he had arrived—the changes weren’t because of him. She felt sure of herself suddenly even in the dress that didn’t suit her. She looked beautiful, and shone from within. She put on a little more blush, and the color of the dress didn’t look quite so bad with her pale skin.

She went in to her sister, and her mother was just slipping the elaborate white lace gown over Gracie’s head. Her mother was dressed in a dark beige taffeta gown with a jacket, and she looked elegant and demure. She was still a beautiful woman. Sometimes Victoria forgot that. And the minute the enormous white lace dress fell over Gracie’s tiny body, she looked like a princess. She was wearing her engagement ring that looked like a headlight, and the diamond earrings Harry had given her. And his mother had given her a string of large pearls with a diamond clasp as a wedding gift. She seemed much too young to be wearing all that jewelry, and Victoria was reminded of when they played dress-up when they were children, but Gracie looked lovely. She was the perfect bride, and when her father walked in a few minutes later, he started to cry. He was overwhelmed by the vision of her in her wedding gown. She had always been his baby. And she always would be. And she was Victoria’s baby too. Gracie looked around the room at her family, and she was about to cry too, but her mother warned her not to ruin her makeup. Gracie felt as though she were leaving them all forever and setting out in the world, on unfamiliar waters. It was a scary feeling, especially for such a young girl. She appeared vulnerable and fragile and childlike in the dress, as her mother settled the long veil on her head.

Victoria and her mother helped her down the stairs and carried her train. And then she was getting into the car with her father to go to the church to marry Harry. Her father came unglued as they drove away, and Gracie leaned over and kissed him. She had a father that Victoria had never known, and would have loved to have. But now she had Collin instead.

And then Victoria and her mother got into the town car waiting to take them to the church. Collin had left a while before and she would see him there.

And once at the church, everything happened in good order. Harry was waiting at the altar. The bridesmaids preceded Grace in the elegant brown dresses, and Victoria walked down the aisle right before Gracie. Her eye caught Collin’s as she glided past him, and he smiled, looking proud. And their father walked Gracie down the aisle in solemn, measured steps.

They exchanged their vows, and Harry put a diamond band on Gracie’s finger, and then they were pronounced man and wife. They kissed as Victoria cried, and they walked back down the aisle beaming. It had happened. It was over. The wedding that had driven them all crazy for a year was under way. And the reception was as spectacular as her parents had wanted, and Gracie had dreamed of. She came to kiss Victoria as the reception began, after the photographs and the receiving line. She just wanted a minute with her big sister.

“I just want to tell you that I love you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me all my life. You always take care of me, even when I’m a brat, or I’m stupid … thank you … I love you … you’re the best sister in the world.”

“So are you, and I’ll always be here for you. I love you, baby … I hope you’ll be happy.”

“So do I,” she said softly, and she didn’t look as sure as Victoria would have wanted. But if it didn’t work out, they’d deal with it and know what to do. Sometimes you just couldn’t figure it out beforehand, no matter how hard you tried.

Collin sat next to Victoria at the reception, at a long table with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Victoria made her speech, and everyone applauded. She and Collin danced all night. Harry and Gracie cut the cake. And Victoria even danced with her father once. He looked dignified and handsome in his dinner jacket and black tie. And for once he made no ugly comments about her—they just danced as he spun her around the floor, and then he turned her over to Collin again. It was a beautiful wedding. And Gracie was an exquisite bride. And much to Victoria’s relief, for tonight at least, and maybe forever if they were lucky, Gracie and Harry looked happy. There was no way of knowing if it would last, for them or anyone. All you could do was your best.

She was dancing with Collin when they announced that Gracie was going to throw the bouquet, and asked all the single women to assemble on the dance floor. Grace stood on a chair, waiting to do it, and all the single women started to approach. Victoria’s mother glided past Victoria as she was about to join them and gave her a reproving look.

“Let them have it, dear, they’re all younger than you are. They’ll all get married one day. You don’t even know if you ever will.” In a single sentence, she had dismissed Collin as a real possibility, and told her that not only was she likely to be a spinster but she really didn’t deserve the bouquet. She was undeserving again, and unlikely to be loved since they never had. Victoria could feel herself shrink back to the edge of the crowd, as Gracie tried to wave her forward, but her mother’s message had been a powerful one. Collin had seen her mother say something to her, and the look on her face afterward, but he was too far from her now to have heard what was said. Whatever it was, he could tell that it had devastated her, and he could see her collapse inwardly, as she stood with her arms down, as Gracie got ready to toss the bouquet. She was watching her older sister as she did, and she took careful aim with an arm like a pitcher, and the bouquet flew through the crowd like a missile heading straight for Victoria, but her mother’s words had hit her too hard. Victoria felt frozen and couldn’t lift her arm, and Collin stood there, watching her, as did Gracie, willing her to reach out and grab it. All she had to do was hold out her hand and catch it, if she only believed she deserved it. Collin felt a searing pain at the agony he sensed that she felt, and he said the words aloud that he was thinking. “You’re lovable!” he said to Victoria, even though she couldn’t hear him. And as though she had, her face broke into a smile, and in a split second she reached out and grabbed it. She held it aloft and everyone cheered, and Collin loudest of all. Victoria looked over at him at that moment, and he gave her a thumbs-up with both thumbs, just as Harry lifted his wife from the chair and they went upstairs to change. They were leaving for Paris on his father’s plane that night.

Collin made his way through the crowd to Victoria, and she was beaming at him when he got there. He still didn’t know what her mother had said to her, but he knew it was hurtful, and this time he didn’t want to know. All he wanted to do was shield her from those wounds forever. She was still holding the bouquet.

“We’ll put that to good use one of these days,” he said, gently taking it from her, and setting it down at their table, and then he swept her onto the dance floor and held her in his arms as they danced away. She was a beautiful woman. She always had been. She just didn’t know it, and now she did. And as she looked up at him, she knew just how much she was loved.

About the Author

DANIELLE STEEL has been hailed as one of the world’s most popular authors, with over 590 million copies of her novels sold. Her many international best sellers include Southern Lights, Matters of the Heart, One Day at a Time, A Good Woman, Rogue, Honor Thyself, Amazing Grace, and other highly acclaimed novels. She is also the author of His Bright Light, the story of her son Nick Traina’s life and death.

Visit the Danielle Steel Web Site at www.daniellesteel.com

a cognizant original v5 release october 17 2010

Big Girl is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2010 by Danielle Steel

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Delacorte Press, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

DELACORTE PRESS is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc., and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Steel, Danielle.

Big girl : a novel / Danielle Steel.

p. cm.

eISBN: 978-0-440-33952-6

1. Young women—Fiction. 2. Overweight women—Fiction. 3. Self-realization in women—Fiction. 4. Parent and child—Fiction. 5. Domestic fiction. I. Title

PS3569.T33828B54 2010

813′.54—dc22 2009042885

www.bantamdell.com

Book design by Virginia Norey

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