Breakaway

Chapter Eighteen

She called his cell phone, but he didn’t answer. She drove to his apartment, but he wasn’t home. Remi stood on the street in front of his apartment building, biting her lip, wondering if he was with Brianne. She had no idea where Brianne lived and she didn’t think she had the nerve to go there anyway. The other place he could be was the arena. They were likely practicing for tomorrow night’s game.

When she walked in the front doors of the arena, she gazed around in wonder. The cavernous, empty building was such a contrast to the way it was during a game, packed with people, buzzing with noise and energy. A few of the food places were open, but only a couple of people sat drinking coffee near the donut shop. As she crossed the concrete floor, she could hear noises from the ice, the crack of a stick against the puck, the duller thud of the puck hitting the goalie’s pads, the scratching of sharp skates on ice, echoing voices.

“Go, go, go!” she heard a voice yell, presumably the coach. She approached one of the entrances and stood there looking down at the ice. Sounds echoed in the arena, bouncing off empty seats and the rafters high above.

The players skated around in some kind of drill, taking turns with the puck racing to the net. They weren’t wearing their uniforms, so she couldn’t find Jason. She walked down a few steps lower, right behind the bench in the section she’d sat in during the games she’d attended, searching for him with her eyes.

Frustrated at how they all looked alike, her eyes finally lighted on one of the biggest guys, who’d just skated to the bench and stood talking to the coach, his hands resting on the top of his stick. There he was.

She blinked, clasped her hands together and watched him. She couldn’t hear what he was saying, just the animated tone of his voice and the coach nodding.

And then he looked up at her.

She froze. Her fingers tightened around themselves and she held his gaze.

He’d stopped talking and then the coach turned his head to see what Jason was staring at. He said something to Jason, who nodded, eyes still on Remi.

Her stomach flipped and flopped and her hands shook.

“Okay we’re done!” the coach yelled. Some of the players ignored him and kept skating around, one of them gave another a playful body check and another fell to the ice as if exhausted and lay there spread-eagled. Remi smiled faintly.

Jason took his gloves off and beckoned to her. She slowly stepped down the wide concrete steps, watching him, until she was right at the boards beside the bench.

“Hi,” he said. “What’re you doing here?”

“Looking for you.”

“Oh.”

He was even huger than usual, the skates adding inches to his height, the equipment adding bulk to his body.

“I wanted to talk to you, but this probably isn’t a good time.” Seeing the intensity of the practice reminded her of the importance of the game tomorrow night. She probably should have just left him alone until the playoffs were done.

“We’re done.”

“Yeah, but…the game tomorrow…I don’t want to distract you…”

A glimmer of a smile passed over his mouth. “Yeah. That’s what Coach just said to me. Don’t get distracted.”

“I’m sorry.” She turned to leave.

“Wait.” She turned back to him. “I’ll be more distracted if I don’t know why you came here. Gimme fifteen minutes to change and shower.” He lifted his arms and his mouth quirked up. “You don’t want to come near me until I shower. Trust me.”

She nodded.

“I’ll meet you on the concourse,” he said. “By the donut shop. Okay?”

His eyes regarded her watchfully and she noticed his fingers were shaking too when he stuffed his gloves under one arm to skate off the ice.

What was she doing? She might be crazy. But she had to tell him some things. Some important things.

She ordered a coffee that she didn’t want and sat alone at a small table sipping the tasteless liquid. She heard the Zamboni rev up and drive onto the ice, its motor humming as it circled the surface. A couple of guys emerged from a door across from her and she didn’t know who they were, but they looked like hockey players, bearded and damp. Looked like nobody shaved during the playoffs. That wasn’t a tradition she was completely in favor of, but oh well.

Then Jason came out, his face darkened with his beard, longer than stubble now. On him, it looked good. Remi shook her head. His hair too was damp from shower. He wore his leather jacket and a pair of jeans and sneakers.

She watched him look for her, then spot her, and she swore he was relieved when he did. He started toward her with his long, athletic gait. Her heart swelled in her chest so big it hurt. God, she loved this man.

Her eyes smarted and she blinked hard. She was not going to cry anymore. Dammit.

“D’you want to stay here and talk?” he asked, stopping in front of her so she had to look way up in to his face. “Or go somewhere else?”

“Um…maybe we could go somewhere else.”

“My place is close. We can walk.”

“Okay.” She’d just leave her car. She could come back for it later.

They emerged into afternoon brightness, blinking a little after the gloomy arena, the downtown streets busy with traffic and pedestrians. They started down the sidewalk toward Jason’s apartment building, only a few blocks away.

The sun warmed them with increasing strength and the breeze that lifted Remi’s hair felt gentle like spring.

“So what did you want to talk about?” he asked. Their hands swung at their sides as they walked and she wished he would take her hand and hold it. But he didn’t. She pressed her lips together, stomach a mass of twisting nerves.

“Let’s just get to your place,” she said, not even sure what she was going to say to him. “How did your practice go?”

“It was okay. Everyone’s kinda tense. We lost again last night.”

“I know. I watched.”

“Oh.”

“But you played well.”

“Yeah, I did okay.” He shook his head. “But we gotta get our shit together tomorrow night or we’re done.”

“You can do it.”

He looked at her and smiled. “Thanks. Maybe you should come to the game. Last time I think you brought me luck.”

She laughed. “I doubt I did.”

They rode up the elevator in his high-rise building, her remembering the first time she’d been there and they’d been all over each other. Her tummy did a little flip low down. Her breathing shallow, she tried to focus on drawing air into her lungs.

Jason led the way in. Sunlight flooded through the wall of windows, the view beyond spectacular, all the way to Lake Michigan in the hazy distance. She smiled at all his exercise equipment taking up half the space, the other half filled with leather couch and electronic equipment.

“Have a seat,” he said, his jaw tight.

She sat on the couch and set her purse on the floor. “So.”

He sat beside her, but not touching, eyeing her as if she was alternately a bomb that might explode or a meal he wanted to devour.

She twisted her fingers together again. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Uh-huh.”

Hell. She’d already said that.

“I’ve been doing some thinking. About you and…Brianne.” She forced the name out through stiff lips. “And the baby.”

He leaned back and lifted a brow. “Really? Me too.”

Was that sarcasm? She licked her lips. “Maybe this is none of my business, but I don’t want to see you make a big mistake.”

He frowned. “Like what?”

“Like…I know you want to do the right thing and I know you’re going to take responsibility and be a father to your child, but…oh shit.” Tears filled her eyes again.

“What, Remi?” Now he leaned forward and reached for her hands. His were big and warm on her clammy ones.

“Dammit,” she sobbed. “All I do is cry lately. I hate this!” She drew in a shuddering breath. “I know you want to take responsibility and man up to the consequences of your actions and all that, but Jase, I don’t think getting back together with Brianne is the right thing for you. For any of you, even the baby.” She grimaced at him, brows drawn down, sniffing. “I’m sure Brianne is a lovely person,” she continued. “But don’t you think it would be a big mistake to get back together with her for the sake of your baby?”

“Yup.”

“Because I… What?” She stared at him.

“Yup, that would be a huge fucking mistake,” he agreed, regarding her soberly. “I already figured that out, Remi.”

“You did?”

“Hell, yeah. Big mistake. Huge motherfucking mistake.”

“Oh.”

He smiled at her. “You telling me this because you still want me for yourself?”

She snuffled out a laugh. “Actually, no.”

“What?” He scowled.

“I do love you Jase.” She touched his cheek. “You told me you couldn’t be with me, and if that’s how you feel, I respect that. I’ve done a lot of thinking too. But my main reason for coming here and talking to you was just to keep you from making that mistake, from sacrificing too much. Not to try to hold on to you.”

“I was coming to see you after the practice.”

“You were?”

“Yeah. To tell you I’d realized I couldn’t get back with Brianne. To see if you still wanted me.” Her heart expanded in her chest, stealing her breath as she watched his face. “But…big ‘but’…” He paused. She met his agonized gaze. “I don’t know if I can ask that much of you.”

“Ask what?”

“Brianne has to be in my life,” he continued, voice low. “She’s going to have my baby. It’s not what I would have chosen, but it’s there. Somehow we’re going to have to be parents to this child together. Not married. Not as a couple. But somehow. We talked about it today.”

“You did?”

“Mmm.” He let out a long sigh. “I couldn’t go back to her. I just couldn’t. I knew how miserable we both would be. That wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“I know! That’s just what I was thinking too!” She palmed his beard-roughened cheek. “That’s what I came to tell you!”

“You came to save me from that?” His eyes twinkled.

“Yes.”

“Oh, Remi. I love you so much.”

She looked down at her hands, then up. “I love you too, Jase.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Remi,” he said quietly. “I told you we couldn’t be together because I hadn’t figured things out, but now I have, I…I want to be with you. But my life is so screwed up. It’s a lot to ask, but d’you think you could still be with me?”

She nodded, lips quivering, almost afraid to believe what she was hearing. “Oh god yes! I love you, Jase! I know this won’t to be easy. Not for any of us. I hate it—I fucking hate it—that she’s having your baby. It makes me feel sick when I think about it. I’m not going to deny that.”

He nodded somberly. “I hate it too,” he said. “Because I wish it was you who was pregnant.”

“Oh.” Her heart missed a beat, then accelerated unevenly. Oh god, she wished that too. But she’d come to some other realizations lately too. “Oh Jase.”

Their eyes met and held and then he hauled her onto his lap and she melted against him as he kissed her, tipping her chin up and slanting his mouth across hers. She pressed into him, held on tight to him, kissed him back hungrily, desperately, deeply.

When they drew apart, breathing heavily, he rested his forehead against hers.

“You said this was the worst thing that could happen,” she said. “But it’s not. I know that now. It’s really not.”

“Yeah. I know.” He cupped the back of her head and she felt his hand trembling. “But it’s going to be hard,” he said roughly. “I’m going to want to share custody of the baby. I’m going to want to spend time with him or her. I have a weird job and I travel a lot and I’m not sure what that’s going to look like. I’ll help Brianne financially of course, not that she needs it, but I will.”

“Of course.”

“That’s not an issue, but…being a father…I don’t know how the hell to do that.”

“I don’t think anyone does,” she whispered, stroking her fingers through his hair. “Until they’re doing it. You just do it. And do the best you can.”

“I can do it if you’re with me,” he said. “If you’re sure. Like I said, it’s a lot to ask of you.” He drew back to look at her and uncertainty darkened his eyes. “I’ve already asked so much of you. Putting up with puck bunnies and paparazzi and injuries.”

“I’m sure.”

He hugged her tightly again. “Thank Christ. I can’t wait until we have babies of our own.”

Her heart stuttered. “Well, I hope you’re not in a hurry for that.” She smiled and met his eyes. “The funny thing is, all I’ve ever wanted is to be a mother. I love kids. I love babies. I love looking after people. As you know.” She gave him a roll of the eyes and he smiled back at her. “But…you made me see it, Jase. I…” Her throat tightened. “I’ve been holding on to Jasmine and Kyle, protecting them too much, doing too much for them…because you were right.” It was hard to say the words out loud never mind admit them in her own head, but she did it. “I liked being needed. When they both moved out, it was devastating for me, because my whole life was wrapped up in them, looking after them. That’s who I was. But I’ve decided I need to find out who I am before I become a mother.”

“Oh.” His eyes filled with understanding. “Oh, Remi. You’re an amazing person. You have so much love inside you, so much caring. I told you before, you’ll be an awesome mom.”

“I will.” They both laughed. “But first I want to do things for me. I want to have fun. I want to have love. With you.” She kissed him. “I want to ride Ferris wheels and build teddy bears. I want to travel. Will you take me places, Jase?”

“I’ll take you anywhere you want.”

They kissed again, long and sweet and clinging. Remi shook and burned inside for him, a huge swelling of relief and love and longing for him inside her.

“I’ve been acting like such an idiot,” Jason murmured against her hair long moments later. “So unprofessional—letting my personal life interfere with my professional life. Dan had to ream my ass the other day to make me see straight. I was letting everybody down.”

“Yeah, you were kind of acting stupid.”

“I hope I haven’t messed up my Stars for Reading for next year. I love doing that. Helping those kids.”

“People will have forgotten by then. Or you can help kids some other way.”

He grimaced. “And I almost lost you.”

“Almost.” She smiled, trailing her fingers down the side of his neck and under the collar of his shirt. “I’m sorry I wouldn’t talk about it. I had to think things through. I was upset when you told me and I had to calm down and get rational again. It’s hard to be rational when you’re all emotional. It hurt so much, Jase. It still does. That she’s having your baby when that’s all I wanted.” Somehow telling him that, sharing that with him, made the pain lessen just a bit. Not much, but a bit.

“It will happen, I promise you. Whenever you’re ready.”

Her throat closed up again and she nodded.

“And I wasn’t exactly rational when I went out and got stupid drunk and then dropped my pants in a restaurant.”

“Please don’t do that again.”

“I won’t.” He gripped her tightly. “I promise, I won’t. That was the last time I ever act so irresponsibly. Without thinking through the consequences of my actions. I’ve been such an irresponsible idiot.”

“No you haven’t.” She grabbed hold of his shirt and gave it a sharp tug. “I don’t want to hear you say things like that. You got drunk and did a stupid thing, but you are not stupid. And you are not irresponsible. You didn’t blame anyone else for what you did that night, you took responsibility for your actions. You showed up every week to help those kids read. You take responsibility for every loss your team has. Yes, your job is a game, but you take it seriously—you know you have responsibilities to the team, to the owners, all the businesses that depend on you and especially the fans. And you’re taking responsibility for your child.”

She took a breath and let it out, long and slow. “I was ready to let you go,” she said softly, breathing in the fresh, masculine scent of his recent shower. “Because I knew you had to look after your child. I know parents have to make sacrifices for their children. But there are some sacrifices that you shouldn’t have to make. And I didn’t want you to do that.”

“I’m glad you realize how special I am.”

She swatted his chest, but laughed. Then her cell phone rang. She leaned down to grab her purse from the floor and dug around in it for the phone. It was the realtor.

“We have to get together to go over this offer,” he said.

“Oh, yeah.” She sighed, not wanting to move off Jason’s lap. “Okay. I’ll meet you at my place in an hour.”

“Who was that?” Jason asked as she snapped the phone shut.

“My realtor. I listed the house and there’s an offer already.”

Jason had gone very still. “Uh…Remi…”

Regretfully she slid off him and stood, straightening her sweater.

“The offer…” He stood too. She looked up at him, tipping her head to one side. “The offer is…from me.”

She gave her head a shake. “What?”

He held her gaze.

“You made an offer on my house? You want to buy my house?” She squinted at him.

“Yeah.” He smiled, showing lots of white teeth, and shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “I saw the For Sale sign and realized you’d decided to sell. Uh…are you okay with selling it? ‘Cause I kinda had the feeling your sister was pressuring you to do it.”

“I’m okay with it now.” She sighed, pushing her fingers through her hair. “I’m sad about it, yeah. I love that house. It was our home. But I realized you were right and I need to let them deal with the consequences of their decisions. If things with Jasmine and Ethan don’t work out, I’ll be there for her, sure, but she’ll have to deal with it. And Kyle too. He wants to go away this summer. If things don’t go well at college, he’ll have to figure out what he wants to do with his life.” She paused. “It’s hard. I still feel I should be there for them.”

“You will be.”

“Yeah. But not rescuing them. Just supporting them. There’s a big difference.” She straightened her shoulders. “And I already started looking for an apartment near school. But Jase…” She frowned. “Why would you buy the house?”

“So you can live there.” He stepped toward her. “I didn’t know if we’d ever be together at that point, but I hated to think of you being forced to leave your home. I know you love that house. So I just had the crazy idea that I’d buy it and you could live there.”

Her breath stuck, her heart pattering, feeling very warm and dizzy, she just stared at him. She could not believe what she was hearing. He wanted to buy the house? For her? That was crazy.

Crazy nice.

“You can’t do that,” she breathed, trying to get air into her lungs.

“Why not? I can afford it. It’d be like an investment. Real estate’s supposed to be a good investment, that’s what my financial guy tells me. Plus there’s some tax benefit or something.” He waved a hand. “Which I definitely need.”

“I…I don’t know what to say.” Her mind wobbled, words clogged up in her tight throat. Nobody’d ever done anything like that for her. She was always the one looking after everyone else.

He shrugged. “You don’t have to say anything. But…” He looked endearingly uncertain, big shoulders up at his ears. “Maybe…if you think it’s rushing, you can just stay living there and I’ll keep my apartment, but maybe one day…I could move in with you there. When you’re ready.”

Her heart expanded, ready to burst out of her chest. “Oh, Jase.”

He pulled his hands out of his pockets and took one giant Jason-sized stride toward her and set his hands on her waist. He kissed her, a slow, gentle kiss. “I want to marry you. I want you to have my babies. I want to live together even though I know I’m asking a lot of you. My life’s not easy—lots of travel, lots of stress—”

“Lots of injuries,” she murmured, remembering how nervous she got for him every game. Would she ever get used to that?

He made a dismissive face. “And on top of it we’re going to have a child who’s not always with us and you’re going to have to put up with my ex being in our lives but…god, Remi, that’s a lot to ask. But it’s what I want.”

“Lots of women do it,” she murmured. “People divorce, have blended families. It’s not easy, but it’s not like we’re the only ones it’s ever happened to.”

“Yeah.” He breathed out a long slow exhale. “After all you just said, though, I don’t want to pressure you or rush you. I understand. I’ll wait until you’re ready.”

“Thank you, Jase. I would like to wait a while before we live together. And I know it won’t be easy sometimes. But we’ll make it work. Right?”

“Right.” He hugged her close. “I feel bad dragging you into a mess like this. You didn’t ask for this. All you wanted was fun.”

“No,” she said, smiling up at him through her tears. “All I wanted was you.”