Bungalow 2

Tanya ran back and kissed Peter again, and then rushed into the airport with her tote bag. She was the last one on the plane, and sat back against her seat and closed her eyes while she thought about the weekend. It had been wonderful being home with the girls and Peter. She hated to leave again.

She turned her cell phone off as they taxied down the runway, and she dozed as they lifted off. She slept all the way to L.A., and only woke up when they landed. It had been a busy, emotional weekend and she was tired, and drained by her argument with Meg. She wondered if she'd ever forgive her, or if things would ever be the same with them again. She hoped so. Megan was slow to forgive and could hold a grudge forever. Tanya was still thinking about her when she walked out of LAX and hailed a cab. She hadn't even told her driver she was coming in. She would have felt silly coming in from the airport in a limo. She felt strange availing herself of all the perks in her contract.

She was surprised to find that the bungalow looked comfortable and familiar when she walked in. She had brought a few more photographs from home, of Peter and the kids, and one of Alice with James and Jason. She had talked to Jason that weekend and he sounded happy. He was so busy in his new college life that he wasn't calling any of them. The girls had complained about it.

She called Peter the minute she sat down. She called on his cell phone, and he was still having dinner with Alice. Tanya talked to her, too, and it made her feel lonelier than ever knowing that they were together and she was alone. She wanted to be having sushi with them. Alice said it was no fun without her and they missed her. Tanya told Alice about the photograph of her she'd brought with her. And then they went back to their dinner, and Tanya turned on the TV. She felt strangely alone.

She took a bath in the enormous tub and turned on the Jacuzzi. It helped relax her. And afterward she turned on her computer, and worked on the script some more. She had a meeting the next day to discuss the producer and director's notes, and the following day they were meeting with the stars to do the same.

It was going to be a busy week assimilating everyone's notes and trying to incorporate them in the script somehow. She was looking forward to the process and to hearing their comments. She worked on it till nearly two A.M., and left a wake-up call for seven. She had to be at the studio on Monday morning at eight-thirty.

Tanya felt as though the phone rang the moment her head touched the pillow. She woke up with a start, and then lay back with a groan after her wake-up call. She missed Peter, so she called him. He was up and getting ready, and about to make breakfast for the girls. Hearing him made her feel guilty that he was there with them and she wasn't. They had a long road ahead of them, of breakfasts and dinners he'd have to make, and nights she wouldn't be there. A whole school year of them. She felt as though she were facing a prison sentence without them, as she and Peter chatted briefly before they started their day.

“I miss you so much,” Tanya said sadly. “I feel like shit that you have to do all the work.”

“You've been doing it for eighteen years, so what's the big deal if I do it for a few months.” He sounded rushed but sweet.

“I think I married a saint,” she said gratefully. He was being amazing.

“No, you married a guy who can never get eggs, juice, and cereal on the table simultaneously. I'm basically a dyslexic cook, so I gotta go. Play nice in the sandbox today.”

“I hope they do, too.” She was nervous about this first big meeting. They were going to get down to business, and maybe pull her work apart. She had no idea what they'd do or say. This was all new to her.

“You'll be fine. Don't take any shit from them. What I've read so far is great.”

“Thanks, I'll call you when I get out of the meeting. Good luck with breakfast … and Peter …” There were tears in her eyes as she spoke to him. “I'm sorry I'm doing this. I feel like such a lousy wife and mom. You're a hero to let me do it.” She still felt so guilty for being away, and leaving him all the domestic responsibilities she normally handled and had for nearly twenty years.

“You're the best wife I've got. And you're a star to me.”

“You're the star, Peter,” she said softly. She could hardly wait for the weekend so she could go home again.

“ 'Bye, be good … love you …,” he said, and rushed off the phone, as she went to brush her teeth and comb her hair.

She ordered breakfast from room service, a far cry from the hasty meal Peter had gobbled with the girls. Her driver and limo were waiting for her outside. And she was at the studio promptly at eightthirty. Douglas hadn't arrived yet. Max Blum was already there.

“Good morning, Tanya. How was your weekend?” he said pleasantly, carrying a heavy briefcase that looked like it was about to explode as he set it down in the conference room where they had sent them. They had rented office space from one of the TV networks for the duration of the picture. Tanya had been assigned an office, too, but she'd told them she preferred to work at the hotel. It would be more peaceful and less distracting to write in the bungalow.

“Too short,” Tanya said sadly. She was missing Peter and the kids more than ever today, after a taste of them over the weekend. “How was yours?”

“Not bad. I went to a couple of baseball games, read The Wall Street Journal, Variety, and The New York Times, and had several very intellectual conversations with my dog. We stayed up pretty late, so he was too tired to come to work today. It's a dog's life,” he said as a secretary offered them both coffee, and they both declined. Max was carrying a Starbucks cappuccino, and Tanya had had enough tea at the hotel. As they chatted amiably, Douglas walked in, looking as always like the cover of GQ. He even smelled good, and had had a fresh haircut over the weekend. He always looked impeccable, even at that hour of the morning. Max looked rumpled, disheveled, his jeans were torn, his Birkenstocks were ancient and worn, his socks had a hole in them, and what little hair he had looked as though he had forgotten to comb it. He looked clean, but a total mess. Tanya was wearing jeans, sweatshirt, and running shoes and hadn't bothered to wear makeup. This was work.

They got down to the notes immediately. There were several scenes Douglas wanted changed, and one Max had a problem with. He said it moved too quickly, and showed none of the deep emotions of the actors in the scene. He wanted her to rewrite it to rip people's hearts out. “Make 'em bleed,” as he put it. And as the morning progressed, she and Douglas got into an argument about one of the characters and the way Tanya had portrayed her. He said the character was boring, and he didn't bother to mince words. “I hate her,” he said bluntly. “Everyone else will, too.”

“She's supposed to be boring.” Tanya defended her work heatedly on that point. “She's a fatally boring woman. I don't think I even mind if you hate her. She's not a nice person. She's tedious, a whiner, and she betrays her best friend. Why the hell would you love her?”

“I don't. But if she's got the balls to screw over her best friend, then she must have some personality in there somewhere. At least give us some of that. You wrote her as though she's dead.” He was almost insulting, and Tanya finally backed off. She would make some changes to the character in question, but she didn't feel right doing everything he said. In the end, Max stepped in and suggested a compromise solution. Still boring, not nice, but maybe a little more fire and visible bitterness and jealousy, so the ultimate betrayal made more sense. Tanya said she could live with that, and she was exhausted by the end of the meeting. It was nearly three o'clock by the time they had gone over everyone's notes, and they hadn't stopped for lunch. Douglas thought eating would be distracting. Tanya could feel her blood sugar dropping and her spirits plummeting by the time they walked out of the meeting.

“Good meeting, everyone,” Douglas said cheerfully as they got up. He was in great spirits, and Max had been nibbling some candy bars and nuts he'd brought with him. He had worked on several movies with Douglas and knew how he worked. Tanya didn't. She felt drained, and her feelings were a little hurt by some of the things Douglas had said. He had packed some tough punches and offered no apology for it. His only interest was in making the best picture possible, whatever it took, and no matter whose teeth he had to rattle to get it. In this case, they had been hers. She wasn't used to his style, or to having to justify her work to that extent and fight for it. The producers of the soaps she wrote for were far more easygoing.

“You okay?” Max asked her as they left the building together. Douglas had run out for an appointment, and they were all meeting back there the next morning to meet with the stars as well. Tanya was beginning to dread it. This was harder than she'd thought, and she still didn't have a handle on what to do with the character Douglas hated so much. She was going to work on it that afternoon and night. It felt like preparing for an exam. His words had been fairly harsh.

“Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired. I didn't eat much breakfast. I started to fade about an hour ago.”

“Always bring food when you take meetings with Douglas. He works like a maniac, and he never stops to eat. That's how he stays so thin. To him, lunch is purely a social event. If it's not on his calendar, he doesn't eat. People around him drop like flies,” he teased.

“I'll know for tomorrow,” she said, as he walked her to her limo.

“Oh no, tomorrow is different,” he explained. “Tomorrow we've got stars. Stars have to be fed, on cue, and extremely expensive specially catered meals if possible. Directors and writers don't have to eat. You can beg something to eat from the actors' plates. Maybe they'll throw you some caviar or a chicken leg.” He was exaggerating, of course, but not entirely. “It's always good to have an actor or two at a meeting. I try to request it. That way the rest of us get fed.” She laughed as she listened. It was like being taught the ropes by an upperclassman at school. She was grateful for his help and good humor. “I'll bring Harry tomorrow, too. No one wants to feed an overweight director. They always feed a dog. He looks truly pathetic, and he whines a lot, and drools. I tried it once, the drooling thing, and they asked me to leave the room and threatened to report me to the union, so I just bring him instead.” She laughed out loud at his comments, and he told her not to be discouraged about the rewrite or even Douglas's tough comments. It was standard operating procedure with him, on all movies. Some producers were a lot tougher than Douglas, and demanded rewrites constantly. She was wondering what kind of comments she'd get from the actors, and how carefully they'd actually read the script. The actors on the soaps she wrote for just went on stage and winged it. Everything they did here, for a feature film, was going to be a lot more precise.

She spent seven hours working on the script, addressing all of Douglas's comments, as well as Max's. She ordered scrambled eggs and a salad from room service, and at midnight she was still at work. She called Peter when she finished. She hadn't gotten to call the girls before that, the time just slipped by, and she knew they'd be asleep by then. He was still awake, reading, and waiting for her call. He suspected when he didn't hear from her that she might be writing, so he left her alone and waited to hear from her.

“So how was it?” he asked with interest. He figured she'd had a full day or she'd have called.

“I don't know.” She was tired as she stretched out on her bed to talk to him. “Normal, I guess. Douglas hates one of my characters. I've been rewriting all her scenes all night. I think I've made her worse. He thinks she's too boring. We had a meeting until three o'clock, without stopping for breaks or food. I thought I was going to keel over by the time we finished. I've been working my ass off in the room ever since. And I don't think I've fixed it. We meet with the actors tomorrow for their notes.”

“Sounds grueling,” he said sympathetically, but he knew she had expected it. And she was a workhorse anyway. She never gave up on a problem till she fixed it, in writing or all else. It was one of the many things he admired about her.

“How was your day?” she asked, happy to hear him. She had missed him terribly all day, even when she was working. The week looked like a long stretch ahead. “I missed calling the girls. I was working and didn't see the time. I'll call them tomorrow.”

“They were fine. Alice brought us lasagne, and her famous pound cake. We pigged out. I made the salad. I got off easy tonight.” Which was a good thing, since he had had a long day himself, working with a new client on some tough problems that were surely going to wind up in litigation.

“Did Alice stay for dinner?” Tanya asked casually, and was surprised to hear she had. It was nice of her to bring them food, and she was grateful for it. But admittedly, Tanya had been there for her every second for months when her husband died. “I owe her big time after this. If she keeps it up, I'm going to have to cook for her for the next ten years.”

“I have to admit, it was helpful. And she took Meg to her soccer game. Molly needed the car. Alice saved my life. I couldn't leave work in time, so I called her. She was just leaving the gallery and said it was fine.” Tanya had done the same for her kids many times over the years, but she was grateful anyway. In some ways Alice helping them out assuaged her guilt, but in other ways it made it worse. She liked knowing that someone was picking up the slack for the girls, and helping Peter, but it also made her feel guiltier than ever for not being there to do it herself. She was just going to have to live with it for the duration. And at least Alice was there for them. More than anything it was a lifesaver for Peter, and Tanya was especially grateful for that. He couldn't do it all himself. He had too much to do at work.

They talked about other things after that, and then they both had to get off the phone, although Tanya would have liked to chat with him forever. They both had early meetings the next day, and needed to get some sleep so they had their wits about them. She promised to call him earlier the following night, and asked him to give her love to the girls. She felt almost like a stranger saying it to him. It was completely foreign to her to be away from her children and sending them her love. In her own mind more than his, she was supposed to be there to give it to them herself.

Tanya was back in the same conference room the next morning, and this time Max arrived with his dog, if you could call it that. Harry was closer to the size of a small horse, but he was very well behaved, and sat in the corner, with his gigantic head on his paws. He was so well trained that after people's initial surprise over his size, no one noticed him at all, until food appeared in the room, and then he sat up looking alert, whined loudly, and drooled profusely. Max gave him treats to eat, and everyone else gave him table scraps, and then he lay down again and went to sleep. Harry was an extremely polite dog. Tanya complimented Max on it halfway through the meeting.

“He's actually my roommate, not a dog,” Max said with a grin. “He was in a commercial once. I put the money in the stock market, and he's done very well. He pays for his half of the rent. I think of him as more of a son.” She could see that he did.

The meeting was long and arduous. Douglas ran it extremely well, with Max's help. And Tanya was very surprised at the copious notes the actors had made. Some were very sensible, which made good points, and others were totally disorganized and irrelevant, but for the most part they all had something to say, and something they wanted changed. The biggest problem was dialogue that didn't “feel like them,” and then she had to work with them to find ways of saying the same thing in most cases, in ways they felt better with. It was a long tedious process, and Douglas got irritated with all of them more than once. His stress level seemed to be high in meetings, and he and Tanya got into another argument about a different scene involving the same character he hated and that they'd battled over the day before.

“Oh for chrissake, Tanya,” he shouted at her, “stop defending the bitch. Just fucking change her!” Tanya was more than a little startled, and was silent for a while after that, while Max shot her encouraging glances. He could see that Douglas had upset her and hurt her feelings.

Douglas himself stopped to talk to her after the meeting, as the actors were filing out. It was nearly six o'clock, and there had been carts of food in and out of the room all day. She could see what Max had meant. Even scones, whipped cream, and strawberries at four o'clock, and a hell of a lot of sushi and tofu all day long.

After the meeting all the actors were heading for the gym, or for sessions with their trainers. Tanya just wanted to go back to the bungalow and collapse. She was beyond exhausted, from concentrating on what everyone had said all day, and trying to work with them on making changes in the script.

“I'm sorry I was a little rough on you today,” Douglas said smoothly. He looked as though nothing had happened, but Tanya felt like she'd been hit by a bus and he could see it. “These meetings with the actors drive me nuts. They pick on every word and detail, and worry about how they sound when they say it. It's in their contract that they can request changes in the script, and I think they all feel they didn't do their job if they don't ask you to rewrite every scene for them. After a while I just want to strangle everyone. These meetings over the actors' notes always take forever. Anyway, sorry if you got the blunt end of my temper.”

“It's okay,” Tanya said easily. “I was tired, too. It's a lot of minutiae, and I'm trying to preserve the integrity of the script and keep everyone happy.” It wasn't always easy, and he knew it. He had done this hundreds of times over the years, on dozens of scripts. “I've been working on the character you hate so much, and I don't think I've solved the problem yet, but I'm trying. I think the snag here is that she doesn't strike me as boring. I see all the undercurrents in her, all the hidden thoughts and intentions, so I get that she's not as boring as she looks. Or maybe I just identify with her, and I'm as boring as she is.” Tanya laughed as she said it, and Douglas shook his head with a smile. Tanya was grateful he had stopped to talk to her to relieve the pressure. He had intimidated her considerably for the past several hours. It wasn't fun. This was better.

“That's not how I would describe you, Tanya. You're anything but, and I hope you know it.”

“I'm just a housewife from Marin,” she said honestly, and he laughed out loud.

“Try that on someone else. Helen Keller maybe. That housewife thing is the game you play or the mask you wear, I'm not sure which one yet. But I can tell you one thing I know for sure, it's not who you are. If it were, you wouldn't be here. Not for a hot minute.”

“I'm a housewife on loan from my family to write a script,” she tried again. He remained unconvinced.

“Bullshit. Not even close. I don't know who you fool with that one, Tanya, but it wouldn't be me. You're a sophisticated woman with a fascinating mind. Casting you as a housewife in Marin is about like putting an alien from another planet in a job at McDonald's. They may be able to do it, but why waste all that mind and talent?”

“It's not wasted on my kids.” She didn't like what he said or how he perceived her. It bothered her. She was exactly what she said she was and how she appeared, and took pride in it. She loved being a mother and housewife and always had. She enjoyed her writing, too, especially now, and the challenge of it. But she had no desire to become a Hollywood person, and it sounded like that was what he was intimating, that she belonged there and not in Ross. And that was not what she wanted. She knew she would never do it, except this one time as a lark. After this she was going home and staying there. She had already made up her mind on that.

“The tides have turned, Tanya, whether you like it or not. You can't go back. It doesn't work. You've been here a week and you've already outgrown it. You did before you came. The day you made the decision to do the film, it was done, the die was cast.” His saying that made chills run up and down her spine. It was as though he were saying that her way home had vanished, and she wanted reassurance that it had not. Every time Douglas said something like that, it made her want to run into Peter's arms. Being around Douglas, she felt like Bess with Crown in Porgy and Bess. What Douglas said was terrifying and mesmerizing at the same time. She wanted to go home. “You were very patient with all the actors today,” he commended her. “They're an unruly lot.”

“I thought Jean's comments were very good, in relation to her character. And Ned's made sense, too,” Tanya said fairly, ignoring everything Douglas had said. She wasn't going to argue the point with him about whether she should be a housewife or not. He didn't get a vote, except for the duration of the film. After that, she didn't care what he thought. He had no power over her life, nor was he clairvoyant or a shrink. He was obsessed with Hollywood, and she was not. He was drunk on the power he had. She was learning that about him, even though he expressed it subtly at times, and showed his hand at others, depending on what worked best for him in the situation they were in. He was a pro to watch, like a tennis player at Wimbledon.

She went back to the hotel afterward, and worked on the script for hours that night. She managed to get some of the changes in. Others were harder to effect. She called Max several times the next day to discuss it with him, and he told her not to worry about some of it. Some of the changes and subtle alterations would happen on the set, farther down the road. Max was by far the mellowest person she was dealing with, and she appreciated his ever-calm perspective about everything. He was very easygoing, and supremely knowledgeable. It was a perfect combination, unlike Douglas, who exuded tension and an obsession with control, which she found difficult at times.

It was a busy week for her in L.A., and for Peter at the office. He was starting a trial the following week. And Tanya continued to meet with Max, Douglas, and the cast, and work on the script. Much to her chagrin, they scheduled meetings for all day Saturday that they said were important for her to attend, and on Thursday afternoon she had to call Peter and say she couldn't come home. She asked if he and the girls could come down instead.

“Damn, Tan …I wish we could. Molly has a big soccer game. I know Megan has plans. Some big deal she's going to in the city with John White, so she won't want to come. And I have so much work to take home this weekend, I'd be a nervous wreck, unless I was sitting in the room working the whole time. I don't think this is the right weekend.”

“Mine looks like that, too,” she said sadly. “I hate not seeing you and the girls. Maybe I should just fly up Friday and spend the night. I have to be back for a meeting on Saturday at nine A.M. Maybe I can take a six o'clock plane.”

“That's crazy,” he said sensibly. “You'd be exhausted. Just let it go. You'll be home next weekend.” She hadn't expected them to schedule weekend meetings quite this quickly, although she had been warned it could happen. But not this soon. It depressed her that she couldn't go home, no matter how much work she had to do.

She called the girls and apologized to them herself that night. Megan's phone was off, so she left a message on voice mail. Molly was in a rush and said it was fine. Tanya felt like hell, and Peter was on a conference call when she called him, and couldn't talk. Three strikes, you're out. She even called Jason after that, to see if he wanted to come to L.A. for the night, and he had a hot date and didn't want to come, although he thanked her for the thought and said he'd love to do it another time, just not that particular weekend.

She spent Friday and Saturday in meetings with Max, Douglas, and the cast, and individually with Jean to discuss the motivation of her character with her. Jean took her work very seriously, and wanted to get into the head and skin of the person she was playing. Tanya felt completely drained by Saturday night when she got back to the hotel at eight o'clock, and even more so when she found a message from Douglas, asking her to call him back. “Shit, what now?” she muttered to herself. She had seen a lot of him all week and had had enough. He was such a powerful persona that a little went a long way. But he was the producer of the film, so she had no choice. She called him back on his private line at home, which was the number he had given her to call. It was a compliment that he had. It made her a Hollywood insider instantly, not that she cared.

“Hi. I just got in and found your message,” she said, trying to sound more cheerful than she felt. She missed Peter and the kids, and she knew that all of them were out. “What can I do for you?” she said, wanting to get off fast. She wanted to lie in the tub and soak. If it didn't seem so extravagant, she'd have asked for a massage. She'd earned it, but it seemed like a frivolous expense to her, and she didn't want to take advantage of her deal. A soak in the tub was enough.

“I figured you'd be upset about not getting home this weekend. I was wondering if you'd like to come hang out by the pool tomorrow and lie in the sun, if you do that.” He laughed. She had a light tan, so he figured that she sat in the sun, either at home or in Tahoe. “Totally low-key. The Sunday Times, and no conversation if you don't want. It gets a little old being at a hotel.” He was right, it did, but she wasn't sure she wanted to spend the day with him. He was her boss, after all. And she couldn't just lie there and ignore him, although she had to admit a day at his pool sounded appealing. Being at the hotel pool with all the starlets and models trying to pick up men was a little wearing, and she felt totally out of place not wearing a thong and six-inch-high heels. She felt like a country bumpkin next to them, although she'd treated herself to a pedicure earlier in the week, one night while she was working, and paid for it herself. It had made her feel better, and the manicurist had worked while she read her revisions on the script, so it didn't interfere with her work, and was a boost to her spirits. Every woman she saw in L.A. had perfect manicures, and she felt a little less out of place.

“That's a very kind offer,” she said to Douglas. “I don't want to intrude on your Sunday though.” She hesitated, not sure whether to decline or accept. She never felt totally at ease with him, unlike Max, who was becoming more and more like a big brother. Douglas was anything but that. He was a power broker, and always on the make in some way. It was stressful to be with him. She couldn't imagine him relaxing on a lazy Sunday or any other time.

“You won't intrude. We'll ignore each other. I never talk to anyone on Sundays. Bring whatever you want to read. I'll provide the pool and the food. And whatever you do, don't comb your hair or wear makeup.” He had read her mind. She didn't want to get dressed up to come and see him. She couldn't imagine him sitting around with his hair sticking up though. Far from it. Max, yes. Douglas, never.

“I may take you at your word, if I come,” she said cautiously. “It's been a long week. I'm tired.”

“This is only the beginning, Tanya. Save your strength, you'll need it later. By January and February, you'll laugh at how easy these days were.”

“Maybe I should go home and jump off the bridge now,” she said, feeling daunted and slightly depressed. Not seeing Peter and her children made her feel even more down. And she was beginning to wonder if she was equal to the task.

“You'll be used to it by then. You'll take it in stride, believe me. And all you'll want when it's over is to do it again.” He always sounded certain of that, because it was true for him.

“Why is it that I don't believe you when you say that?”

“Trust me. I know. Maybe we'll work on another picture together one day,” he said, sounding confident and hopeful, as though it were a foregone conclusion. They hadn't even started this one yet. But everyone wanted to work on Douglas Wayne movies. Actors and writers begged to get hired for his films again and again. It was an almost sure way to get an Academy Award, which was what it was all about for the pros. It had a certain appeal to Tanya, too, but right now all she wanted to do was learn the ropes and survive it, not embarrass herself, and do a decent job. It had been a challenge for her all week, and she'd been discouraged more than once. “So, are you coming over tomorrow? How about eleven o'clock?”

She hesitated for a fraction of an instant and then gave in. It would have been too complicated to say no, so she didn't. “That would be fine. Thank you,” she said politely.

“See you then, and don't forget. No makeup. And don't comb your hair if you don't want.” Yeah, sure, she thought to herself, as Megan would have said. Whatever.

But the next day, she took him at his word, to some extent anyway. She wore her hair in a neat braid but didn't put on makeup. It felt good not to make any great effort, although she hadn't gotten particularly dressed up all week. No one did at the meetings, even the actors. But she had been more careful than she was now. She wore a faded T-shirt that was Molly's, flip-flops, and her oldest, most beatenup jeans. She took a stack of papers she wanted to read, a book she'd been meaning to start for a year, and the New York Times crossword puzzle, which was one of her favorite pastimes. And she took a cab to his house. She had given her driver the day off, it was Sunday after all.

Douglas let her in himself, and noticed the cab as it pulled away. He was wearing an immaculate T-shirt and perfectly pressed jeans and black alligator sandals. He didn't have a hair out of place, and the house was remarkably quiet. There were no servants around, unlike the night she had come to dinner, when there had been armies of them everywhere waiting on the guests. The house was silent and peaceful, and he walked her out to the pool and invited her to sit down, lie down, or do whatever she wanted. He had a stack of newspapers for her on a table next to a chaise longue. And he disappeared a moment later.

He reappeared, and without asking if she wanted it, he put a drink in her hand. It was champagne and peach juice, a Bellini, one of her favorite drinks, although it was a little early for that, but it was mild.

“Thank you,” she said with a surprised smile, and he put a finger to his lips with a serious look.

“Shhh!” he said sternly. “No talking. You came here to relax. We can talk later if you want.” He settled into his own chair then on the other side of the pool. He read the paper for a while, and then let his chair down and lay in the sun after lathering sunblock on his face and arms. He never said another word to Tanya, and eventually she felt comfortable reading and doing her crossword puzzle, and sipping her Bellini. It was actually a lovely way to spend a Sunday, much to her surprise.

She had no idea if he was sleeping or not, but Douglas lay there without moving for a long time, and eventually she lay down and dozed in the sun. She could hear birds chirping and the sun was warm but not too hot. It was a beautiful September afternoon, and she felt totally relaxed. She was startled when later, she opened her eyes and saw him standing next to her, looking down with an easy smile. She felt as though she had been asleep for hours.

“Did I snore?” she asked sleepily, and he laughed. It was the first time she had ever felt relaxed with him. It was nice. And so was he, this time. It almost made her wonder if they could be friends. Before this she would have never thought it possible. She was seeing a different side of him.

“Loudly,” he teased her in answer to her question. “First, you woke me up. Then the neighbors complained.” She laughed at what he said. He set a plate down next to her, with sliced fruit and salad on it, and a little wedge of cheese with crackers. “I thought you might be hungry when you woke up.” He was being incredibly attentive, and she had to admit, it was enjoyable. She was feeling lazy and spoiled. He was a wonderful host, and had done everything he said he would, including leaving her alone, and not even talking. He disappeared again then after that, and a moment later she heard him playing the piano in the music room off the pool. It had a glass wall that slid back, and after she ate, she got up and wandered into the room. He was playing a complicated Bach piece, and paid no attention to her. She sat and listened to him, amazed by his skill and talent, and finally he looked over at her.

“I always play on Sundays,” he said with a happy smile. “It's the best part of my week. I really miss it when I don't.” She remembered that he had trained as a concert pianist, and wondered why he hadn't pursued it. He had truly amazing talent. And he obviously loved it. “Do you play an instrument?” he asked with interest.

“Just my computer,” she said with a shy smile. He was a most unusual man, with a wide range of abilities and interests.

“I built a piano once,” he informed her as the piece came to an end. “It actually worked. I still have it. It's on the boat. It was a lot of fun to make.”

“Is there anything you can't do?”

“Yes,” he said, nodding emphatically. “Cook. Eating bores me. It seems like such a waste of time.” It explained why he was so thin, and never stopped for lunch during meetings. “I do it just to stay alive. Some people treat it like a hobby. I can't stand that. I don't have the patience to sit at a dinner table for five hours, or to cook for twice as long. Aside from that, I don't play golf, although I can. That bores me, too. And I never play bridge, although I used to. People get nasty and petty about it. If I'm going to fight with someone or insult them, I'd rather do it about something I care about, not a hand of cards.” What he said made sense and made her laugh.

“I feel that way about bridge, too. I played in college, and I haven't played since, for that reason. Do you play tennis?” she asked him for no particular reason, other than conversation, as he started another piece on the piano, which required less concentration than the first one.

“I do. I like squash better. It's faster.” He was a man of little patience who moved at top speed in all things. He was an interesting person to study, and she thought about putting someone like him in a short story sometime. She could do amazing things with a character with so many facets.

“I've played squash, but I'm not great at it. My husband plays, too. I'm better at tennis.”

“We'll play sometime,” he said, as he focused on the music for a while and she enjoyed listening to him. Eventually, she went back to the pool to lie down so she didn't disturb him. He seemed to be lost in the piece. It was another hour before he stopped playing and wandered out.

“I loved listening to you play,” she said with admiration, as he sat down in a chair near her. He looked energized and refreshed and his eyes were bright. Playing always did that to him. It was easy to see why he loved it. He was so good at it, and a real pleasure to listen to.

“Playing the piano feeds my soul,” he said simply. “I couldn't live without it.”

“I feel that way about writing,” she confided in him.

“I can tell by the way you write,” he said, looking at her. She looked comfortable and relaxed, which she wouldn't have thought possible when he invited her to spend the day at his pool. He had surprised her, and it had been a lovely, totally easy day. She felt restored. “That's why I always wanted to work with you, because I knew from reading you that you had that kind of passion and love for your work, just like I do with the piano. Most people don't have that. I knew you did from the first piece I read. It's a rare gift, for both of us.” She nodded, flattered, and didn't comment. They sat in silence for a while, and then she looked at her watch. She was surprised to see it was five o'clock. She had been there for six hours and the time had flown by.

“I should go. If you call a cab, I'll go back to the hotel,” she said, starting to gather up her things and put them back in her bag. He shook his head at the mention of the cab.

“I'll take you back.” It wasn't far, but she didn't want to bother him. He had done enough. It had been a perfect day, and her grief and guilt over not seeing Peter and the children had vanished.

“I'll be fine in a cab,” she insisted.

“I know you will. But I'm perfectly happy to drop you off.” He walked inside to get his keys and a moment later emerged, as she stood up. He walked her into the garage, which was so immaculate it looked like an operating room, and opened the door of a silver Ferrari. She got in on the passenger side, as he started the car, and a moment later they were heading back to her hotel. They rode in comfortable silence, after the relaxing afternoon they had spent together. Although they had said little, she felt as though they had made friends. She had learned new things about him that afternoon that previously she hadn't even guessed, and loved listening to him play the piano. It had been the high point of her afternoon.

The Ferrari slid under the roof covering the driveway at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and he looked at her with a smile. “It was a great day, Tanya, wasn't it?”

“I loved it,” she said honestly. “I feel like I had a vacation.” It had been the next best thing to going home, which she hadn't expected at all, and surely not with him. She had always felt tense when he was around. Today she had even slept across the pool from him, and read for hours without talking. There were few people she could do that with, other than her husband. It was an odd thought.

“So did I. You're the perfect Sunday guest, other than the snoring of course,” he teased her, and then laughed.

“Did I really snore?” She looked embarrassed, and he pretended to look mysterious.

“I won't tell. I'll turn you over next time. They say that works.” She laughed, and didn't really care if she had, which was even more amazing. In a single afternoon, she had gotten comfortable with him. It was going to make working with him a lot nicer from now on, having seen this side of him. “Do you want to have dinner tonight?” he asked her casually. It was a spur-of-the-moment thought. “I was going to grab some Chinese takeout. We could eat it there, or I could bring it back to the hotel. We both have to eat, and it's not as dreary, having dinner with a friend. Any interest?” It sounded good to her. She'd been planning to order room service while working at her computer. Chinese takeout sounded like more fun.

“Sure. That would be nice. Why don't you bring it here?”

“Perfect. Seven-thirty? I have some calls to make, and I swim laps every night.” He seemed to keep active and was very athletic. It explained how he stayed so trim and fit.

“Sounds fine to me,” Tanya said easily.

“What do you like to eat?” he asked politely.

“Spring rolls, sweet and sour anything, beef, shrimp, whatever you like.”

“I'll get an assortment of stuff,” he promised. She thanked him, got out, and he sped off with a wave in the sleek silver car.

Tanya went in and showered, and checked her messages. There was a call from Jean Amber about the script. When Tanya called her back, she was out. She called Peter and the girls then. They had just come in from a baseball game. They were Giants fans, and had season tickets. They were all in a good mood, and no one seemed too upset that she hadn't come home. She was both relieved and saddened by it all at once.

“How was the game?” she asked with interest.

“Great! We won, in case you didn't watch it on TV,” Peter told her, sounding jubilant.

“I didn't. I went to Douglas Wayne's house for the day.”

“How was that?” Peter sounded surprised.

“Fine. Surprisingly easy. Good for work relations, I hope. He was very nice. We hardly said ten words to each other all day.” She didn't tell him no one else was there. She was about to, but Molly got on the phone.

“Hi, Mom, great game. We missed you. We took Alice, to thank her for all the dinners she cooked for us. And Jason came home for the game.”

“I thought he was busy,” Tanya said, feeling left out suddenly. “I called him Thursday, and he said he had a hot date.”

“She canceled, so he drove up to go to the game.” It occurred to Tanya that he hadn't called her when the date got canceled. He went home to Ross instead to go to a baseball game. They'd all been there together, with Alice, and she was alone in L.A. “He drove back after the game. He'll be back in Santa Barbara tonight.” It was still a weird feeling to know that her whole family had gone to a baseball game and had fun without her. She felt like a kid who didn't get invited to a birthday party. But she was working in L.A. It wasn't their fault, it was hers, and she could hardly expect them to stay home in her honor.

She talked to Megan after that, and she sounded fine. Alice got on the phone and said they were all doing well and they missed her, and so did she, and to get her ass home next weekend so they could gossip. Tanya laughed talking to her, and then talked to Peter again briefly. They were about to order pizza, standard Sunday-night fare. “I miss you,” she reminded him, and he told her he missed her, too. She realized when she hung up that she hadn't mentioned she was having dinner with Douglas. There was nothing meaningful about it, she just liked telling Peter what she was doing, so he felt part of it. But she told herself it was so insignificant that she forgot.

She just had time to take a bath and change before Douglas showed up with their dinner. She put on clean jeans and another T-shirt, and when she opened the door to the bungalow to him, she was in bare feet. She stepped aside, and he walked in.

“I know this bungalow. I stayed here once, when they were redoing my house. I like it,” he said, looking around.

“It's very comfortable,” she said easily. “It'll be fun when the kids come down.” She took out plates in the kitchen, and they helped themselves from the five cartons he'd brought. He had gotten everything she liked, including something with lobster, and shrimp fried rice. They sat at her dining table, and made their way through the easy meal. “Thank you. That was perfect. You have definitely spoiled me today.”

“I have to take care of my star writer.” He smiled at her. “We can't have you getting homesick and pining away here, or running back to Marin.” He was teasing her, but she didn't mind. “I thought I'd show you that we have Chinese takeout here, too.” And then he remembered the fortune cookies and handed one to her. He groaned when he saw his. “Did you put this in here when I wasn't looking?” She shook her head, and he handed it to her to read.

“â€A good friend will be good news today.” She read it aloud and looked at him with a smile. “That's nice. It sounds about right.”

“I always want them to be more exciting, but they never are. What's yours?” Douglas asked with an amused look.

She read it and raised an eyebrow as she did.

“What does it say?”

“ â€A job well done is its own reward. Not too exciting, either. I like yours better.”

“Me too.” And then he smiled at her again. “Maybe you'll win an Oscar for the script.” He hoped she would. And Best Picture for him. It was his goal. It always was.

“That's not what it says,” she pointed out to him, and cleaned up the mess from their dinner.

“Next time we should write our own.”

He helped her throw the empty cartons away, and a few minutes later he left. She thanked him for dinner, and he told her he'd had a great day. So had she. His fortune cookie was right. A good friend had been the good news of the day. For the first time since she'd met him, she felt like he could be. And what an interesting friend he was.

Chapter 8

Tanya went home to Ross for the next two weekends, and she loved being with Peter and the kids. She had lunch with Alice one Saturday, and they chatted and gossiped about the people Tanya had met. Alice was as titillated by it as the girls.

“I'm surprised you even bother to come home anymore,” Alice teased her. “It's mighty dull around here compared to all that.”

“Don't be stupid,” Tanya growled at her. “I'd much rather be here with Peter and the kids. It's all fantasyland down there. Nothing is real.”

“Sounds real enough to me,” Alice said with open admiration. She was happy for her friend that her career was going so well, and she was having this experience, and she assured her that her children were doing fine. She calmed all of Tanya's fears that they would never forgive her. Alice said that even Megan spoke of her with pride, which came as a surprise to her mother.

“She hardly talks to me anymore. She's been mad since last summer.” Tanya was relieved by what Alice had just said. She was around the girls a lot more than Tanya was these days, and seemed to know their state of mind better, so Tanya trusted what she said.

“She's not as mad as she wants you to think. She's just punishing you for a while. Don't pay any attention to her, she'll back off.” Tanya was pleased to hear it and mentioned it to Peter when she went home. He agreed.

“She's just putting you through hoops. She's been fine around here,” he reassured her, and when Megan came home a little while later, Tanya smiled at her as though everything were fine between them. She asked Megan something inane about school, and Megan glared at her as though she had offended her again. She was even angrier when her mother suggested they start doing her college applications together. Megan said she wanted to do them with Alice, which was a slap in Tanya's face, which really hurt her. It was an indisputable rejection. “I'd like to at least look at them with you,” her mother said gently, and Megan flatly refused to. “Maybe next time I come home,” Tanya said hopefully, and Megan shrugged in answer.

“Whatever,” she said and stomped upstairs, as Tanya's heart ached, and she tried not to let it upset her. At least Molly wanted to do hers with her mother, and had already shown Tanya several essays.

“I guess I haven't finished my hoops course yet,” she said to Peter with a rueful look and he grinned.

The first weekend in October Tanya came home, as did Jason from UCSB, and they all went to the World Series. It was between the Giants and the Red Sox, and the games were terrific. The Giants were winning when she flew back to L.A. with Jason. She sent him back to Santa Barbara in her limo, which he thought was embarrassing but cool. The whole family truly enjoyed spending their time together.

And the second weekend in October, Peter and the girls flew to L.A. and stayed at the bungalow with her. The girls loved it, and Jason came down on Saturday for the day. He stayed until after dinner.

Tanya and the girls went shopping on Melrose, and they all had lunch at Fred Segal's. She took them to some funny little shops she'd found, and they had a ball, while Peter and Jason lay around the pool, and Jason admired the women. They had dinner at Spago and ran into Jean Amber, whom the twins thought was gorgeous. She had given Tanya a big hug and made a fuss over Megan and Molly, and she flirted with Jason. He was blushing when she walked away. They were all overwhelmed at meeting her.

“I'll introduce you to Ned Bright the next time you come down, after we start the film,” Tanya promised. Shortly after, another hot star walked in, and all three kids stared in disbelief. They went back to the hotel afterward, and had a drink at the bar, Cokes for the kids since they were minors, and several more stars walked in. Tanya didn't know them, but the kids recognized them. By the time the girls got back to the bungalow, they couldn't believe all the stars they'd seen. They were both squealing with excitement. Jason had just gone back to school in his mother's limo again.

“Wow, Mom, this is so cool!” Molly said with wide eyes, and for the first time in ages, Megan hugged her and was smiling, too.

“Thanks, Mom, for bringing us down here,” Megan said generously. Alice was right. All was nearly forgiven. The weekend in L.A. had clinched it. They missed having her at home, but they had to admit, this was a lot of fun. They could hardly wait to do it again, and meet Ned Bright and the other stars.

The one who seemed less enthralled with it was Peter, who looked somewhat daunted when the girls disappeared into their room, giggling, and he and Tanya went to bed in theirs. He looked tired. It had been a long day, and he'd had a long week. They had settled a tough case.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” she asked, rubbing his back when they got into bed.

“Just tired.” The day hadn't been as much fun for him as it had been for his daughters, and he had hardly seen Tanya all day. She'd been busy shopping with the girls. And all the stars they'd seen didn't mean anything to him. He didn't know who most of them were, they were mostly actors and actresses who were cult figures to kids, not adults, although even he knew who Jean Amber was, and admitted readily that she was gorgeous. And she seemed to be crazy about Tanya. She acted like they were best friends. But only because they were working on a picture together now. It would all be forgotten in six months. Tanya had no illusions about that.

Peter looked at her as they lay in bed together, and Tanya was upset to see him look sad. “How are you ever going to come back to Ross after all this, Tan? We can't compete with your life here.”

“You don't have to,” she said quietly. “You win the contest hands down. This means nothing to me. It's just exciting to do the work. I don't give a damn about the life.”

“You think that now,” he said, looking at her. “You've only been here for six weeks. Wait till you've been here for a while. Look at how you're living. You have your own limo, you live at the Beverly Hills Hotel in your own bungalow, stars crawl all over you. This is heady stuff, Tan. It's addictive. Ross is going to look like Kansas to you in another six months.” He looked seriously worried.

“Kansas is what I want,” she said firmly. “I want us. I love our life. I couldn't live here on a bet. It would drive me nuts.”

“I don't know, Cinderella. When the coach turns into a pumpkin again, it could be tough.”

“I'm turning in my glass slippers the day we finish the film, and I'm coming home. And that's it. This was a one-time deal, not a way of life. I wouldn't trade what we have for anything in the world.”

“Tell me that in seven months. I hope you still feel that way then.” It upset her that he was thinking about it, and she was still sad after they made love. There was something subdued about him, as though he felt defeated, and unable to compete with her new life. His fear was exactly what Douglas had said, that her life in L.A. would be addictive and she would never want to go back. Alice had said it too the last time Tanya was in Ross. What were they all talking about? Didn't they get it? She wanted to go home when it was over, not stay here. That seemed like a very bad trade to her. But Peter acted as though he didn't believe her. He still looked unhappy, and he was quiet the next morning when they went to the Ivy for brunch.

The girls looked happy on the terrace, particularly when Leonardo Di Caprio sat at the next table and smiled at them. And Peter warmed up a little after they ate. Tanya sat close to him, held his hand, hugged him, and kissed him every chance she got. She couldn't get enough of him. She missed him so much when she was in L.A. But he didn't seem to believe that she preferred her old life. All she could do was prove it to him, when the movie ended and she went back. It annoyed her that everyone was so convinced she'd want to stay. She knew better than that, even if they didn't. And the only one she cared about thinking that was Peter. She didn't want him worrying about her falling in love with her so-called new life. It wasn't a new life in her mind, it was just a visit, a sabbatical she was taking in L.A., for the sake of her career. She had no other interest in it.

They went back to the hotel after lunch and hung out at the pool for a while. The girls swam while Peter and Tanya lay on lounge chairs and talked. He ordered a screwdriver, which was unusual for him, and Tanya was still worried about him. She had the feeling that he was panicked about her. The less he said, the more upset she felt.

“I'm coming home when this is all over, sweetheart. I don't like it here. I'm here to work, and that's it. I love our life in Marin.”

“You think that now, Tan. But you'll be bored out of your mind there after this. And the girls will be gone next year. You'll have nothing to do.”

“I'll have you,” she said gently. “And our life. My writing. This isn't a life here, Peter. It's a joke. I just wanted the experience of doing a screenplay for a movie. You're the one who told me to do it.” She reminded him of that, and he nodded, but he was sorry now he had. He was only just beginning to realize the risk he had taken. He looked worried all the time.

“It scares me now, Tan. For us. I just can't see you feeling the same about anything after this is over.” He looked near tears as he said it, and she was shocked. She had never seen him look so shaken.

“How shallow do you think I am?” she asked unhappily. “Why do you think I come home on weekends? Because I love it there, and I love you. That's my home. This is my job.”

“Okay,” he said, taking a breath, wanting to believe her. He thought she meant what she was saying. He just didn't know how long she would feel like that. Sooner or later the life she was living here would get to her, he thought, and it would dawn on her that the world was her oyster, and her old life in Marin wasn't enough. He didn't want that to happen, but he couldn't imagine now that it wouldn't. He hadn't fully understood until then what her life would be like in L.A. while working on the movie. It was a lot more glamorous than he had thought. It was hard to compete with all that.

The girls got out of the pool and joined them then, and they couldn't pursue the conversation, which was just as well. They were going around in circles, and Tanya could see that Peter still wasn't convinced. Time would prove everything she was saying to him, but in the meantime he was a lot more worried now than he had been. She put her arms around him and held him close to her when they were back in her room in the bungalow.

“I love you, Peter,” she said softly. “More than anything.” He kissed her, and Tanya clung to him for a long moment. She didn't want him to go. The girls walked into the room then and reminded them that they had to leave for the airport soon. Tanya felt as though the weekend had reassured them and frightened Peter. She could see in his eyes that what he had seen there had disturbed him profoundly. He was quiet on the way to the airport, and looked distracted when he kissed her goodbye.

“I love you,” she reminded him again.

“I love you, too, Tan,” he said, smiling sadly. “Don't fall in love with it down here, I need you,” he whispered. He looked so vulnerable it almost made her cry.

“I won't,” she promised him. “You're all I want. I'll be home Friday.” And she knew that this time, no matter what happened, she had to go home for the weekend. She wanted him to know that no matter what happened down here, who she met or what she saw, or how appealing they tried to make it, above all, and more important to her than anything, she was his wife.

Chapter 9

Tanya went home, as promised, for the next two weekends, and Peter seemed to calm down. The fact that she came home every Friday night, as they had planned for her to do, seemed to reassure him. He admitted that the weekend in L.A. had unnerved him, but as soon as he saw her in Marin again, he felt sane. The life she led in L.A. wasn't one he wanted to be part of. And she continued to try to convince him that neither did she. All she wanted was the thrill of writing a feature film, and after that she was coming home. Life seemed almost normal again when she came up every weekend. She missed two important meetings to do it, but she said nothing about it to him. She told Douglas and Max that she just couldn't stay. She said she had to get home to her kids. They didn't like it, but as long as they hadn't started shooting yet, they were willing to let her go.

They started shooting on the first of November, and from then on her life was insane. They shot days, nights, location scenes, worked on soundstages they had rented, and sat in folding chairs on street corners during night shoots, while she worked frantically on the script to make changes. She was winging it a lot of the time. Jean proved to be difficult to work with, while Ned was a dream. She could never remember her lines, and wanted Tanya to adjust them for her. Tanya worked closely with Max on every scene, while Douglas came and went and observed frequently.

The first weekend after shooting started, she miraculously managed to go home. And if anything happened on the set, she promised to be available on the phone. She assured them she could make changes from there, and send them by e-mail. But for the next two weekends after that, there was no way she could go. Four scenes had to be rewritten, they were shooting out of sequence, and they were tackling some of the most difficult scenes in the film. Max promised her that she could take weekends off later, but for now he needed her right there. She had no choice. The girls were unhappy about it and Peter didn't sound pleased either, but he understood it, or said he did. He was starting a trial in a few weeks, and was buried at the office, too.

Tanya hadn't been home for two weeks when she got home for Thanksgiving, and she almost cried with relief when she walked in the front door. It was Wednesday afternoon, and Peter had just bought everything they needed for Thanksgiving. Her flight had been delayed for two hours due to bad weather, and she had been panicked she wouldn't get home. Jason was due home that night. He was driving up with friends. Alice's son James was driving up from Santa Barbara that weekend, too.

“God, am I glad to see you guys,” Tanya said, as she set down her bag in the kitchen. “I thought they were going to cancel my flight.” She felt as though she hadn't seen them in a million years, and it had only been two weeks. Peter looked thrilled to see her, and walked over to her to give her a hug.

“We're happy to see you, too,” Peter said as the girls helped him unpack the groceries. He had bought everything Tanya had told him to. She was going to start cooking their turkey before dawn the next morning. It was huge.

Molly came over to hug her, and Tanya noticed instantly that Megan looked particularly grim and had red eyes. She looked so upset that Tanya didn't want to say anything to upset her. She gave her a kiss, and Megan didn't say anything. A few minutes later she disappeared.

“Did something happen?” Tanya asked Peter quietly, as they finished in the kitchen and went upstairs.

“I'm not sure. She went over to see Alice after school. She just walked in before you did. Molly and I bought the groceries without her. Maybe you should ask Alice. Megan doesn't tell me anything.” Or her mother anymore, Tanya couldn't help thinking. A year before, that wouldn't have been the case, but things had changed since she started working in L.A. Now Alice was Megan's confidante, and Tanya was her absentee mother, who was no longer privy to her private griefs and joys. She hoped that would change again one day.

She and Peter talked quietly for a while, catching up. She told him about progress on the set, and the kind of pressure they were working under, dealing with crises and problems, and the usual insanity that seemed to be standard fare. It was interesting at least. And a little while later, Molly walked in and explained that Megan had broken up with her boyfriend. He had cheated on her with another girl. She said that Megan was next door talking to Alice about it, and as she said it, Tanya's heart sank. She felt as though she were losing her daughter to her best friend. She knew it was unreasonable to think that way, she was grateful to Alice for standing in for her, but it hurt her feelings that Megan no longer wanted to confide in her. It wasn't something you could demand, or even criticize her for, Tanya knew it was something she had to earn. Losing that was the price she was paying for not being around. She felt lucky that Molly still talked to her. And she felt stupid for it, but she felt suddenly jealous of Alice and the relationship she had with Megan. Tanya's loss had been Alice's gain. Megan didn't come home until dinnertime. Tanya had to call Alice and ask her to send her home.

“How is she?” Tanya asked her, sounding worried.

“Upset,” Alice said gently, happy to hear from her friend. “She'll be okay. It's standard teenage stuff. He's a little shit, but they all are at that age. He just did it with her best friend, so it seems worse to her.”

“With Maggie Arnold?” Tanya sounded horrified. Maggie had always been such a nice girl.

“No,” Alice said, sounding very knowing. “With Donna Ebert. Megan and Maggie haven't been on good terms for months. They had a falling-out the first week of school.” Tanya knew nothing anymore, which made her feel worse. And Alice knew it all. Tanya was completely out of the loop.

They had a quiet dinner in the kitchen that night, and the girls helped her set the dining room table for the next day. They took out the good crystal and china, and a tablecloth they used every year that had been Peter's grandmother's. Megan said nothing to her mother about the agonies she'd been going through. She just did what she had to do, and then went to her room. She treated Tanya like a stranger. She wasn't even angry at her. She just seemed distant and indifferent whenever Tanya tried to talk to her. She had completed half her college applications with Alice by then, without ever showing her mother a word.

“I'm fine, Mom,” she said, brushing her off. They had lost whatever ground they had gained in L.A., and the weekends Tanya came home after that, when things were better. But in the weeks that Tanya hadn't been able to come home, after the film started shooting, she had lost her connection with Megan again. Tanya felt unable to bridge the chasm between them, and Megan did nothing to help. She just stayed sealed off and at every opportunity went to her room. It made Tanya's heart ache, and she felt like a failure as a mother, despite Molly's constant reassurance that that wasn't the case. The difference between the two girls' reactions to her was extreme. It was a relief when Jason walked in after dropping off his friends, and went straight to the fridge. He kissed his mother on the way.

“Hi, Mom. I'm starving.” She smiled at the familiar greeting, and offered to make him chili. He looked delighted at the suggestion, and sat down at the kitchen table with a glass of milk. It made Tanya feel useful to cook for him. He chatted with Molly about school, while Tanya emptied a can of chili into a pan and put it on the stove. Peter walked in, and there was a festive atmosphere in the room, as they all chatted with each other. A few minutes later Megan walked in.

She looked at her brother, and told him her news before she even said hello to him. “I broke up with Mike. He cheated on me with Donna.” She still hadn't said a word about it to her mother. She shared her sorrows with everyone but her. Even the next-door neighbor had heard it first.

“That sucks,” Jason said sympathetically. “He's a jerk. She'll dump him in a week.”

“I don't want him back after that,” she said, and talked to him about it while he ate. They were all in the kitchen together, but Tanya felt left out. She felt like an invisible person in her family now, whereas before everything had revolved around her. They had all needed her. And now they had learned too well to manage without her. She felt utterly useless, except to open a can of chili for her son and heat it on the stove. Other than that she served no useful purpose. She glanced over at Jason, and he was talking to Peter about his ranking on the tennis team, between bulletins from Megan about her love life. No one was talking to Tanya. She felt as though she didn't exist. Without even intending to, in most cases, they had shut her out.

She sat down at the kitchen table with them, and entered their conversations where she could. Eventually, Jason got up and put his dishes in the dishwasher. He left the kitchen with the girls, all three of them talking animatedly about ten things at once. They were a lively group. And then he glanced over his shoulder and called back to his mother.

“Thanks for the chili, Mom.”

“Anytime,” she called back, and looked over at Peter, still sitting there and watching her.

“You're so much more efficient than I am. I make a mess of the kitchen every night.” He smiled at her, happy to have her home. It had been a long two weeks since he'd seen her last. But he knew how crazy it was for her on the set.

“It feels so good to be home,” she said, smiling at him. “And weird, too,” she admitted. “I feel like the kids don't even know who I am anymore. I know it's stupid, but it really bothers me that Megan tells Alice all about her love life, and she doesn't say a word to me. She used to tell me everything.”

“She will again when you come home. They know you're busy, Tan. They don't want to bother you. You're making a movie. Alice has nothing else to do and she's right here. The gallery is fun for her, but it doesn't take up a lot of her time. She misses her kids, so she loves spending time with ours.”

“I feel like I've been fired,” she said sadly, as they walked slowly upstairs to their room. They could hear Jason and the girls in his room, laughing and talking. He had put his music on. The house had come alive again.

“You haven't been fired,” Peter said gently as they closed their door. “You're just on leave. That's different. When you come home, they'll be all over you again. As much as they will with anyone now. They're all growing up.” It was true, and that depressed her, too. She was suffering from empty-nest syndrome, and the worst of it was that she had left the nest first, or before the girls anyway. It defied the natural order of things. It was no wonder Megan resented her. Tanya didn't blame her a bit, and felt overwhelmed with guilt.

“I feel like such a lousy mother. Particularly with her leaning on Alice.”

“She's a nice woman, Tan. She won't give her bad advice.”

“I know that. That's not the point. The point is that I'm her mother, Alice isn't. I think Megan has forgotten that.”

“No, she hasn't. She just needs someone to talk to around here. A woman. She doesn't talk to me about that stuff either.”

“She could call me on my cell phone any time. Molly does. So do you.”

“Give her a chance, Tan. She took it harder than the rest of us when you left. She's forgiven you. She just got out of the habit of talking to you.” Tanya nodded. It was true. And it hurt like hell to hear the truth.

She felt like she had lost one of her kids. Molly had never wavered, and Jason still called her every few days to chat, when he had nothing better to do, or needed advice about school. In some ways, he was closer to her than to Peter. But Megan had disassociated herself from her mother almost completely. Tanya couldn't help wondering if the rift between them would ever repair. All she was good for now was to introduce her to movie stars. Other than that, she had almost no relationship with her daughter. Tanya couldn't believe how much it hurt. A lot. More than that. She felt as though she had lost a leg or an arm. And it had to be painful for Megan, too. She didn't even know how to broach the subject with her. Peter said to just give it time. But Tanya wasn't convinced that was the solution. She had lost her daughter to Alice. It wasn't Alice's fault, or even Megan's, it was her own.

“Try not to let it upset you,” Peter told her kindly. “I think it will get better when you come home.”

“That's months from now,” Tanya said, looking depressed. “They've almost finished their college applications, and I wasn't even here to help them.” She sounded mournful, and felt guilty yet again. She felt as though she were missing everything important. Romances, breakups, college applications, colds, and all the daily details of their lives that they now shared with Alice and Peter and rarely with her. It bothered her even more than she had feared it would.

“I've been working on their applications with them,” Peter reassured her, “for the past two weekends. And I know Alice has, too. I think they're planning to finish them over Christmas vacation. You can give them a hand then, or some advice about their essays. But I think they're in good shape.”

“Is there anything Alice doesn't do?” Tanya snapped, feeling grumpy, as Peter met her eyes. The separation was hard on all of them. They had known it would be from the start. It was just harder to live with than any of them had expected. Tanya had been afraid of this, that it would impact her relationship with her children, or with him. At least so far it hadn't with Peter, or even Molly. Megan was a direct casualty of the movie her mother was making. Tanya was afraid Megan would never forgive her.

“It's not Alice's fault,” Peter chided her gently, as Tanya sat down on their bed with a sigh.

“I know it's not. I'm just frustrated. And I feel guilty. It's my fault, not anyone else's. Thanks for letting me whine.” He was always a good sport, about everything. She knew just how lucky she was to have him. She never took him for granted. If it weren't for him, her Hollywood odyssey wouldn't have been possible at all, although she realized now that she was sorry she had done it. It was possible that the price tag was going to be too high, if it cost her her relationship with even one of her children. But it was too late to turn back now. They just had to go forward and make the best of it.

“You can whine to me anytime.” Peter smiled at her, and sat down on the bed next to her to give her a hug. “What time are you getting up to cook the turkey?”

“Five o'clock,” she said, sounding tired. She had been getting up earlier than that some days to be on the set, or staying up later. It was a crazy process and an insane way to live. She could see too why few people in the industry had healthy relationships or sound marriages. The lifestyle was just too strange, and precluded any kind of normalcy. And the temptations surrounding it were enormous. She had already seen several romances start on the set, even among people who were married to others. It was as though the people working on the movie forgot all other ties except to those they were working with at the time. It really was like setting sail on a cruise, or a trip to another planet. The only people who seemed to be real to them were those they saw every day. They forgot everything and everyone else, and lived in the tiny microcosm of their movie set. It hadn't happened to Tanya, and she knew it wouldn't, but she was fascinated, and somewhat horrified watching them.

“Wake me when you get up,” Peter said. “I'll keep you company when you start the turkey, if you want.”

Tanya looked at him and shook her head. “How did I ever get so lucky?” she said, kissing him. “No, I'm not going to get you up. Are you kidding? You need your sleep. But thank you for offering.”

“You need your sleep, too. Besides, I enjoy hanging out with you.”

“So do I, with you. It won't take me long. I'll come back to bed.”

They went to bed shortly after, and Tanya cuddled up next to him until she got up. He slept with his arms around her, as he always did, and a peaceful look on his face. He was happy to have her home, as happy as she was to be back. Despite her sense of failure and loss with Megan, it felt wonderful to be home.

Tanya got up on schedule to put the turkey in the oven, did everything she had to do, and went back to bed for another four hours. She slept as close to Peter as she could get, and when she woke up, they were a tangle of sheets, blankets, legs, and arms. It was so much nicer than sleeping alone in her bedroom in the bungalow in Beverly Hills. She stretched, and smiled as she looked at him. It was the perfect beginning of their day.

“It's nice to have you home, Tan,” he said happily. They made love then, and got up shortly after that. Peter showered and dressed and went downstairs. Tanya followed him down in her robe, to check on things in the kitchen. She was surprised to see Megan sitting at the kitchen table engrossed in a serious conversation with Alice, who had made herself a cup of coffee. Alice looked totally at home in the kitchen, and surprised when Tanya and Peter walked in. She had a book next to her on the table, and looked at Peter with an easy grin.

“I brought you back your book. It was great. Funniest thing I ever read … Happy Thanksgiving, by the way,” she said to both of them, but Tanya once again had the feeling of being an invisible person in her own life. Almost as if she had died and come back as a ghost. For a minute, she had the impression that Alice had looked right through her.

“Can I make you breakfast?” Tanya offered, trying not to feel resentful or jealous of the deep conversation she and Megan were obviously having.

“No, thanks. I already ate. James and Melissa were up at the crack of dawn.” Jason and Molly were still asleep. They had stayed up late. Only Megan was up, after a nasty phone conversation with her exâ€best friend Donna early that morning that she had just told Alice about. Alice had come to the kitchen door with Peter's book, and was about to leave it there, when Megan saw her and asked her to come in. She told her all about her conversation with Donna after that. “That's a gorgeous turkey you've got in the oven, Tan,” Alice said admiringly. “I couldn't find a decent one this year. They were all gone.” She chatted amiably as Tanya poured Peter a cup of coffee, made tea for herself, and they sat down at the kitchen table with their daughter and neighbor. Peter asked her about the book, and Alice told him again how much she had loved it, and how funny she thought it was. He seemed pleased.

“I told you it was just your cup of tea. He wrote another one that's even funnier. I have to look for it. It's upstairs somewhere. I'll give it to you later,” Peter said, with the comfortable tone of great familiarity.

Listening to him chat with Alice, Tanya wasn't sure a casual observer would have been able to figure out which of them he was married to, except that he had just made love to her. Barring that, he seemed equally comfortable with both women, and there was a tone of intimacy between him and Alice that suddenly unnerved her. She knew he wasn't sleeping with her, but he was certainly familiar and comfortable with her. Almost too much so, for Tanya's taste. They seemed to have gotten friendlier since Tanya left for L.A. She was in and out of the house constantly, checking on the girls, bringing all of them food, or had them over to dinner at her place. She had become more family than friend to the children, and even to Peter. And Tanya realized now that Alice's name came up in almost every conversation. She had either brought them something, done something for them, or gone somewhere with one or both of the girls. It was a huge help to Peter, but it also irked Tanya.

She sat looking at her now, and asked herself a question. She thought she knew the answer to it, but she wasn't quite as sure as she might have been before September. She decided to ask Peter later, and went on sitting at the kitchen table, listening to them, until Alice finally got up and left, and went back to her own house and children. Megan left the kitchen almost as soon as she did. There was a moment's silence in the kitchen after she went upstairs, as Tanya looked at Peter, hoping her fears were unfounded. She had never questioned him before, not even in her own mind. And she felt guilty about it now. This was all her fault, she knew, and no one else's. But Alice certainly seemed to have become comfortable in their house, and with Peter, far more than she ever had been before.

“I know this sounds crazy, and more than a little paranoid,” Tanya said carefully, as she looked at him. They had made love less than an hour before, and everything seemed fine. But you never knew. People did stranger things. Maybe he got lonely without her, and he knew Alice had been looking for a man since Jim died. “But you're not having an affair with her, are you? I'm sorry to even ask you that, but it's beginning to feel like she's moved in.” She had never been as evident in their lives before, no matter how close she and Tanya were. Alice had never been as close to Peter, and now she was.

“Don't be ridiculous,” Peter said predictably. It was the appropriate answer, as he stood up to get himself another cup of coffee. Tanya was watching his face. “Whatever made you think that?”

“You guys see a lot of her during the week, and you're over at her house a lot. She's practically adopted Megan. I felt like I was walking into her kitchen just now when we walked in. I never felt that from her before. As though you and the kids belong to her, and not to me. Women are funny that way. They get possessive of the men they sleep with, and even their families.” She looked troubled as she said it, and he shook his head.

“She's been a big help while you're away. But I don't think she has any illusions about me and the kids. She knows you're coming back.” There was something about the way he said it that made Tanya feel uneasy.

“What does that mean? That she knows she has to give you back when I finish the movie, or that nothing is happening now?” There was an ever-so-subtle difference, a nuance that Tanya had picked up from him that she didn't like.

“I'm not sleeping with her. How's that for a simple answer?” Peter said succinctly, and then put his cup in the sink. He kept moving around. Tanya wasn't sure why, although the subject was uncomfortable for them both.

“Good. That's simple. I'm glad,” she said, leaning over to kiss him on the mouth. “I'd be extremely upset if you did. Just so you're clear about that.” He looked at her strangely then.

“What about you, Tan? Are you tempted in L.A.? Has anyone crossed your path that you'd want to have a quick fling with, or even a long one, for the duration of the movie? I know a lot of crazy stuff happens on movie sets, and you're a beautiful woman.” She smiled at what he said, and didn't hesitate for a beat when she answered.

“No. Not for a minute. You're the only man for me. They all look like shit compared to you. I'm in love with you.” Still. After twenty years. He looked pleased.

“I'm in love with you, too,” he said softly. “Don't be mad at Alice. She's lonely, and she's nice to our kids.”

“I just don't want her being overly nice to you. She acts like I don't exist when you're around,” Tanya commented again.

“She's a good friend. I really appreciate her help. I couldn't manage without her sometimes. She keeps an eye on things when I can't get home early enough. And the girls like her a lot. They always did.”

“I know. I like her, too. I just worry. It's hard being away five days a week.” It had turned out to be much harder than either of them had thought it would be. After only two months it was rough. And Tanya was worried about missing weekends with them during the shoot. She was determined to get home as often as she could, but knew it wouldn't always be possible, as it hadn't been in the last two weeks. And she sure as hell didn't want him having an affair as a result. They both had to be strong. She was. And she could only assume he was, too, no matter how lonely Alice was, or how helpful with the girls. Tanya was getting strange vibes from her, and Alice had seemed slightly uncomfortable with her. Tanya had wondered if it was guilt. Apparently not. But she was glad she had asked, to clear the air. She was relieved by his response. She wasn't going to bring it up again. Once was enough.

She checked on the turkey again. It looked fine. And then she went upstairs to shower and dress. She heard Jason stirring in his room when she went up. It was nice to have him back. She smiled as she went back to her own room. It was an hour later when she came back downstairs, and by then Jason was in the kitchen, talking to his dad. She offered to cook him a light breakfast, she didn't want him spoiling his appetite for their turkey dinner, which they were planning to eat midafternoon. But he said he had already grazed adequately in the fridge. He had had cheesecake and leftover chili for breakfast. It was a perfect meal, in Jason's eyes.

At one-thirty they were all in the living room, dressed for Thanksgiving. And at two they sat down in the dining room. Peter carved the turkey, and they all agreed that the meal was better than usual this year. The turkey was one of the best they'd had. And as Tanya looked around the table at them, and said grace, as she did every year, she was grateful that they were together, that they loved each other, and that they had much to be thankful for again this year.

“Thank you for our family,” she said softly before she said amen. And silently, she asked God to protect them in her absence.

Chapter 10

Leaving home on the Sunday after Thanksgiving was one of the hardest things Tanya had done in a long time. She felt as though she had just gotten home and settled in, when it was time to leave them all again. She and Molly had had some delicious moments together, and it was so good to have Jason home again. And on Saturday afternoon Megan had finally told her everything that had happened with Mike. The confidences she shared, the obvious disappointment in her eyes, and the fact that she was opening up to her mother again nearly made Tanya cry. And she and Peter seemed closer than they had been in a long time. It had been a perfect holiday weekend. It nearly killed her to pack on Sunday afternoon, and go back to L.A. on Sunday night. She looked miserable when Peter drove her to the airport in a driving rain, and he looked equally unhappy.

“God, I hate to go back,” she said, as they approached the airport. She wanted to tell him to turn around and go home and she'd quit the movie. She was really sorry now that she'd made the commitment. She felt that Peter and the girls really needed her at home. And she needed them just as much. “What do you think would happen if I quit?” She'd been thinking about it all weekend.

“They'd probably sue you, for what they've paid you so far, and damages to the movie. I don't think it's a great idea. Speaking as your lawyer, I'd have to advise against it.” He smiled sadly at her, as he moved into the lane marked “departures.” “As your husband, I have to admit I love the idea. I think you'd better listen to the lawyer, not the husband, on this one. I think they play hardball in the major leagues. You could pretty much kiss your ass and your writing career goodbye.” It seemed like a small sacrifice to make, and almost worth it to her. “You don't want to get in a lawsuit, Tan. It would be a mess.” She nodded and fought back tears. “We'll make it work. It won't be forever. Just another six months.” It sounded like a life sentence to her, and to him as well. The movie seemed like a bad idea now. And her only choice was to bite the bullet, and get through it as best they could. Coming home was both easy and hard. It was nearly impossible to leave. Both girls had cried when she left, which nearly killed her. And Peter looked like someone had died, which was how she felt. What a huge mistake this had turned out to be. She didn't want to go back.

“The Christmas hiatus starts in three weeks, thank God. I'll be off for three weeks.” It was the same three weeks as the kids' Christmas vacation, so at least she'd be around while they were out of school, and for a few days after. Only Jason's vacation was longer, but he was planning to go skiing with friends when she left. “I'll come home next weekend if I can.”

“Maybe I can come down for a night if you can't. The girls can stay with Alice.” Peter didn't want to leave them alone in the house.

“I'd love that,” she said, as they pulled up to the curb. She had only hand luggage as always and nothing to check. “I'll let you know if I have to work next weekend.”

“Just take care of yourself, Tan,” he said, holding her tight. “Don't work too hard … and thank you for a wonderful Thanksgiving. We all loved it.”

“Me too …I love you …,” she said, and he kissed her. There was an aura of desperation between the two of them. She had felt it when they made love that morning, as though they were both drowning, and being pulled away from each other by the currents.

“I love you, too. Call me when you get in.” People behind them were honking and she had to get out. She stopped for a minute and looked at him, and then leaned back into the car to kiss him, as a traffic guard told him to hurry up and move on. He drove away a minute later, and she went inside with her bag.

They delayed the flight shortly after that. She left three hours late, and didn't get to the hotel until after one A.M. She called Peter from LAX when they landed. The weather had been awful on the flight, and it was raining in L.A., too. Everything about her return seemed depressing. She missed Peter and the girls already, and she was dreading going back to the set. She wanted to go home. She turned the key in the lock of the bungalow, and was surprised when she walked in. The night maid had left all the lights on, and soft music playing. Everything looked beautiful and warm and welcoming, and instead of like a lonely hotel room, she was surprised to find that it felt like home to her now, too. There was a bowl of fresh fruit on the coffee table, some pastries and cookies, and a bottle of champagne from the management. It was cozy and warm, and she sat down on the couch with a tired sigh. It had been an endless trip. And now that she was back, it didn't feel as bad as she had feared.

She walked into the bathroom, and the huge bathtub looked inviting. She put bath salts in and turned on the Jacuzzi, and sank into it five minutes later. She hadn't had dinner, and had a headache, and then she realized she could call room service and order anything she wanted. A club sandwich and a cup of tea sounded like a gift from heaven. When she got out of the tub, and put on her cashmere bathrobe, she called room service, and ten minutes later her sandwich and tea arrived. She smiled to herself, realizing that this wasn't quite the punishment she remembered. There were a few advantages at least, and some luxuries that made it tolerable. She turned on the TV while she ate, and watched an old Cary Grant movie, and then climbed into the bed, with perfectly pressed sheets. She missed having Peter's arms around her, but aside from that she spent a warm, comfortable night and felt rested when she woke up in the morning to a brilliantly sunny day. Sunlight was streaming into the room. And as she looked around, she felt surprisingly at home. This was her own private little world, separate from her family and home. It was so odd having two lives, one where she loved to live, with people she loved, and another where she worked. Maybe it wasn't as bad as she thought, she told herself, and she'd be home for vacation in three weeks. With luck, she'd get home that weekend, too. For a sudden instant, she felt almost schizophrenic about it, as though she were one person there, and a different one here. It was the first time she had felt that way.

She called Peter, and he was already on his way to work, fighting traffic on the bridge. He had left early that morning, and had a call holding on the other line. She said she'd call him that night when he got home, and told him she loved him before he clicked off. And then she got up and dressed for work.

There was the usual chaos on the set when she got there, and people seemed in good spirits after the four-day break over Thanksgiving. Max looked happy to see her, and even Harry wagged his tail when he saw her. It felt a little bit like coming home, just as it had when she walked into the bungalow the night before. She felt slightly guilty for what she was feeling. It wasn't nearly as bad as she remembered when she was in Ross with Peter and her children. She felt pulled now between two vastly disparate worlds. The good news was that she could have both. The confusing part was that it made her feel like two people, and she was momentarily unsure which one she was. The writer or the wife and mother. She was both. The wife and mother were what mattered most to her. But this wasn't bad either. She felt like a traitor, as she sat down in a chair next to Max and patted Harry. They both seemed like old friends now.

“So how was domestic bliss over Thanksgiving?” Max asked her, and she smiled.

“It was great. How was yours?”

“Probably not as blissful as yours, but not bad. Harry and I had turkey sandwiches and watched old movies on TV.” His kids were in the East, and he didn't want to fly cross country for a few days, so he had stayed in L.A., but he was going to see them for Christmas.

“I nearly didn't come back,” she admitted to him. “It was so nice being home with them.”

“But you did, so at least we know you're not crazy. Douglas would have sued your ass from here to forever,” Max said quietly.

“That's what Peter said.”

“Smart man. Good lawyer. You'll see, the picture will be over before you know it. And then you'll want to do it again.”

“That's what Douglas says. I don't think so. I like being home with Peter and the kids.”

“Then maybe you won't do it again,” Max said philosophically. “That might be true in your case. You're saner than the rest of us, and you have something worth going home to. For a lot of people, this is all there is. And it screws up the rest of your life, so there's nothing to go home to. We're all trapped on a desert island and can't get off. You were smart to live the life you have till now. You're a tourist, Tanya. I don't think the movie business will ever be your life.”

“I hope not. It's too crazy for me.”

“That it is.” He smiled, and then started giving orders to get people moving. They started shooting again half an hour later, once the lighting was set and the actors were ready.

They didn't finish till midnight, and Tanya called Peter from the set, so it didn't get too late for him. She had to walk away to call him, and spoke in a whisper. He said he'd had a good day and the girls were fine, and she told him what they'd been doing. It had been kind of a fun day. And then she had to get off and go back, Jean was having trouble with her lines again. She always did. Tanya had rewritten them a hundred times, and she still couldn't get them right. It was painstaking work.

It was one o'clock when she got back to the hotel, and two before she unwound and could get to sleep. The days were crushingly long. And she saw Douglas on the set the next day. He asked her how Thanksgiving had been, and she said it had been fine. He had flown to Aspen for three days to see friends. He had a very nice life.

He invited her to a party on Thursday night, as they had a short shooting schedule, and she hesitated. She didn't really want to go out. She wasn't in the mood. She was happy in her bungalow at night after work. Going to some fancy party with Douglas seemed like a lot of trouble, but he insisted.

“It'll do you good, Tanya. You can't work all the time. There is life after work.”

“Not in my life.” She smiled.

“Then there should be. You'll enjoy it. It's a screening of a new movie. It'll be a very casual evening, with some fun people. You'll be home by eleven.” In the end, she agreed to go.

And he was right. It was fun. She met some of the biggest stars in Hollywood, two famous directors, and a rival producer who was one of Douglas's closest friends. It was a star-studded evening, and the film was great. The food was good, the people were pretty, and Douglas was great company. He introduced her to everyone, and saw to it that she had fun. And when he brought her back, to thank him she invited him in for a drink. He had champagne, while she had tea and thanked him for the evening.

“You need to do more of that, Tanya. You need to meet people here.”

“Why? I'm doing a job, and then I'm going home. I don't need to make connections down here.”

“You're still so sure you're going home?” He looked cynical about it again.

“Yes, I am.”

“Very few people do. I could be wrong. You may be one of them. I don't know why, but I have the feeling you won't want to in the end. I think you know it, too. That's why you fight it so hard. Maybe you're afraid you won't want to go home.”

“No,” she said firmly. “I want to go home.” She didn't tell him that she nearly hadn't come back after Thanksgiving.

“Is your marriage really that good?” he asked, a little more determined and daring, after the champagne.

“I think it is.”

“Then you're a lucky woman, and your husband more fortunate still. I don't know any marriages like that. Most collapse like soufflés. Particularly with the pressures of long distance, and all the temptations that Hollywood provides.”

“Maybe that's why I want to go home. I love my husband, and our marriage. I don't want to screw it up for all this.”

“Good lord,” he said, with the look that made her think of Rasputin, or had in the beginning. She knew him better now, although he still had a wicked streak and loved to play devil's advocate. But he wasn't as dangerous as she first thought. He just looked it. “A virtuous woman. It says in the Bible that a virtuous woman is worth more than rubies. And surely a lot more rare. I've never had a virtuous woman,” he said, pouring himself another glass of champagne.

“I'm sure you'd find it very dull,” she teased him, and he laughed.

“I'm afraid you're right. Virtue is not my strong suit, Tanya. I don't think I'd be up to the challenge.”

“You might surprise yourself, with the right one.”

“I might,” he conceded, and then looked at her intently and set down his glass. “You are a virtuous woman, Tanya. I actually admire that about you, much as I hate to admit it. Your husband really is a lucky man. I hope he knows it.”

“He does.” She smiled at him. It had been a nice compliment coming from him. He knew the difference. Virtuous women weren't his thing. He was a player, and always had been. But he respected her now that he had come to know her. And he enjoyed her company. He had had a very pleasant evening, and so had she. She felt no pressure from him anymore. Ever since the day they had spent at his pool, and eating Chinese takeout afterward, she had felt as though they were friends.

He got up a few minutes later, and she thanked him for taking her out.

“Anytime, my dear. It pains me to admit it, but I think you're a good influence on me. You remind me of what's important in life. Kindness, integrity, friendship, all those things that I usually find so boring. You never bore me, Tanya. On the contrary. I rise to the occasion, and have a much better time with you than a lot of other people I know.” She was both flattered and touched.

“Thank you, Douglas.”

“Goodnight, Tanya.” He kissed her on both cheeks and left.

She went to call Peter. Douglas had been true to his word. It was eleven-thirty, and she was surprised when Peter's phone went to voice mail. She called him on the phone at the house instead of his cell phone, and Molly said he was next door with Alice. He was fixing a leak in her basement. She said it was flooding, and Alice needed help. Tanya didn't want to bother him there, and told Molly to have him call when he got in. Tanya lay down on her bed then to wait for his call, and fell asleep. She woke up with the lights on in the morning, and called him. The girls had just left for school, and she was due on the set in twenty minutes.

“Did you fix the leak?” she teased him. “You're a good neighbor to have.”

“Yes, I am. She has about a foot of water in her basement. It's a hell of a mess. A pipe broke. I couldn't do much about it. We drank mojitos instead.”

“What's a mojito?” Tanya sounded surprised. Peter was drinking more than he used to. She had noticed it in L.A. when he came down with the girls.

“I don't know. Some crazy Cuban drink. With mint. They taste good.”

“Did you two get drunk?” She sounded worried, and he laughed.

“Of course not. It was just more fun than wading around her basement, up to my knees in water. She wanted to try them out on me.” Tanya had the same question in her mind that she'd had over Thanksgiving, but she didn't ask him again. She had said she wouldn't. And she didn't want to get paranoid. She had been out with Douglas the night before, and nothing had happened between them. There was no reason anything would have between Peter and Alice either. They were just making the best of a tough situation. It was hard being alone as a married person. And as Douglas said, you couldn't stay home every night. There were worse things than drinking mojitos with Alice, and she knew Peter wouldn't do any of them. She did wonder if Alice had a crush on him though. Peter was such an innocent, and such a straight shooter, he was liable not to notice if that were the case. Alice was barking up the wrong tree.

“I've got to get to the set. I just wanted to give you a kiss before you left. Have a nice day.”

“You too. Talk to you later.”

Tanya hurried to shower and dress and get to the set, and when she got there, they had just put out a small fire started by the lights. The fire department had come and Harry was barking frantically. It was more chaotic than usual, and nearly noon by the time they got the set lit right and started rolling. As a result they worked till nearly three A.M., and she couldn't get off the set to call Peter and the kids. It was one of those endless days that happen on movie sets. She fell into bed when she got home, and had to be up four hours later. It turned out to be a crazy week, and she couldn't get home that weekend or the next one. But the week after, their Christmas break started. By the time she got home, she hadn't seen Peter since Thanksgiving. It had been nearly three weeks. He was thrilled to see her when she walked in.

“I feel like I'm home from the wars,” she said breathlessly as he picked her up and spun her around. She looked over his shoulder and saw Alice. She had walked in behind him and was looking at Tanya. “Hi, Alice,” Tanya said, smiling at her.

“Welcome home,” Alice said, and left a minute later.

“Is she okay?” Tanya asked, looking concerned.

“She's fine. Why?” Peter looked distracted, as he helped himself to a glass of water. He had just come from next door and looked happy to see her, as happy as Tanya was to see him.

“She looked upset.”

“Did she? I didn't notice,” he said vaguely, and then their eyes met. It was a point in time like two planets colliding, and exploding in midair. Tanya looked into his eyes and saw everything. This time she didn't need to ask the question. The answer had been in Alice's eyes, not his.

“Oh my God.” Tanya felt as though the room were spinning around her. She looked at him, and she didn't want to know, but she did. “Oh my God … you're sleeping with her …” This time it was a statement, not a question. She didn't know how or when it had happened, but she knew it had. And still was. Tanya looked into his eyes again. “Are you in love with her?” He was a fool, but not a liar. He couldn't lie to her again. He set down his glass in the sink, turned to look at her, and said the only thing he could. It was the same thing he had said to Alice minutes before Tanya walked in.

“I don't know,” he said, as his face went pale.

“Oh my God …” Tanya said again, as he walked out of the room.

Chapter 11

The days over Christmas vacation were a nightmare for Peter and Tanya. At first he didn't want to talk about it with her, but there was no other choice. He owed her at least that much. Tanya was afraid to leave the house, she didn't want to run into Alice. Alice stayed clear of both of them, and made no appearances at the Harris house. Neither Peter nor Tanya wanted their children to know.

“What does this mean?” Tanya asked Peter finally, sitting in the kitchen, when all the children were out. They had gone to a Christmas party, and so far she and Peter were making an enormous effort to hide what was going on. She had been home for three days by then. Tanya felt as though her world had come to an end. With good reason. He had cheated on her with her best friend. It happened to others, but she had never really believed it could happen to them, despite her question to Peter about it over Thanksgiving. She had totally trusted him. Peter just wasn't that kind of man, or so she thought. But apparently, he was. He had hardly spoken to her since she'd been home. In three weeks, everything had changed. Tanya was looking at him across the table, her eyes filled with despair. His own misery was equally apparent. He felt as though he had murdered her. She had lost six pounds in three days, which was a lot on her tiny frame. And her eyes looked ravaged, they were two deep green holes with dark circles under them. He looked just as bad. No one had seen Alice since the day Tanya had gotten home, and their chance meeting in the kitchen, when suddenly it all came clear.

“I don't know what it means,” he told Tanya honestly, hanging his head. He felt overwhelmed. “It just happened. I never even thought about it. I'd never been attracted to her. I think we just got used to being together while you were away. She's been a big help with the kids.”

“And with you apparently,” Tanya said grimly. “Did she put the make on you, or was this your idea?” She told herself she didn't want to know the details, and yet part of her did.

“It just happened, Tan. We went over for pizza. The girls came back here to do homework. I don't know …I was lonely …I was tired … we opened a bottle of wine, and the next thing I knew we were in bed.” He looked sick, and so did she.

“And when was that exactly? While you were telling me how much you love me, and I was calling you every time I could get off the set? How long has this been going on?” It was a horrifying thought, whenever it had been. She wondered just how long she'd been a fool, and for how many weeks or months he'd been lying to her. She had suspected it over Thanksgiving, and told herself she was paranoid. So had he. Was he lying then? She wanted to know that at least. Just how big a liar was he?

“It was after Thanksgiving. Two weeks ago.” He nearly choked on the words. And she had been gone for three. She hadn't been able to get home. The only thing she knew now for sure was what a colossal mistake it had been to go to L.A. to make the film. If it destroyed her marriage, she was never going to forgive herself, or him.

“Was it a one-time thing, or has it happened again?”

“It happened a couple of times,” he said vaguely. “We're both lonely, I guess. She needs someone to take care of her.” He sounded unspeakably sad, for all of them. Nothing would ever be the same. It was Tanya's worst fear. She had never expected this, neither from him nor from Alice. She couldn't conceive of doing it to them.

“I need someone to take care of me, too,” Tanya said, as she burst into tears.

“No, you don't,” he said, looking at her strangely. “You don't need me, Tan. You can move mountains, you always could. You're a strong woman, you have your own life and a career.” She looked shocked at what he said.

“I'm making this movie because you told me I should. You said it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I shouldn't miss it. I didn't just go off to have a career. That's always been a low priority for me, and you know it. You and the kids always came first, and still do.” He looked as though he didn't believe her, as they faced each other across the table. At that moment in time, the Grand Canyon was narrower than the gap between them.

“I don't think that's true anymore. Look at the life you lead down there. Face it, Tan, you're never going to want to come back here.” He looked convinced.

“Don't you give me that shit, too. There's nothing about that life I want. That's not who I am. I wanted to work on the project, just once, for the hell of it. But that's all. Nothing's changed for me. My life is here.”

“Whatever,” he said, and sounded just like Meg. Tanya had an overwhelming urge to slap him, but restrained herself. It was obvious that he didn't believe anything she'd said. But she wasn't at fault. He was. She was working in L.A., but she wasn't sleeping with anyone. Only him.

“What are you going to do? What do you want, Peter?” she asked, and held her breath while he sat hunched over the table and stared first at her hands, then at her.

“I don't know. This is all very new. I didn't see it coming, and Alice didn't either,” he said honestly. Tanya looked like a stranger to him now. He had never seen her this angry before. In truth, she was heartbroken, but it came out of her mouth as rage.

“I don't believe that,” Tanya said angrily. “I think she went after you, and the kids. She saw her opportunity as soon as I left. She's been working Megan since last summer.”

“She's not working her, she loves her.” He defended Alice, which didn't sit well with her, and only made things worse.

“And what about you?” Tanya asked hoarsely as tears rolled down her cheeks. “Are you in love with her?”

“I don't know what I am, other than confused. I've never cheated on you once, Tan, in twenty years. I want you to know that.”

“What difference does it make now?” she sobbed. He reached out to touch her hand, and she pulled it away.

“It makes a lot of difference to me,” he said, looking anguished. “This would never have happened if you hadn't gone to L.A.” It was so unfair to blame her now, but he did anyway. And privately, so did she.

“And now what am I supposed to do? I didn't want to go back after Thanksgiving, and you told me if I didn't I'd get sued.”

“That's probably true.” It was too late now anyway. The damage had been done, and he had decisions to make. They both did.

“What are you going to do now with Alice?” Tanya asked him, sounding panicked. “Is this a fling, or something more? You said you didn't know if you were in love with her. What does that mean?” She could hardly get the words out of her mouth, but she wanted to know. She had a right to, if he did.

“It means what I said. I don't know. I love her as a friend, and she's a wonderful woman. We have a great time with the kids, and we see things the same way. There are a lot of things I love about her, but I had never thought about this before. And I love you, too, Tan. I've meant it every time I said it. But I also can't see you living here anymore. You've outgrown your life here. You don't know it yet, but I saw it when I went to L.A. You're one of them now. Alice and I are much more alike. We have more in common now than you and I.” His words were brutally painful and damning, as Tanya stared at him with wide eyes.

“How can you say that?” She looked horrified. “That's so unfair. I'm working on a movie. I'm writing it. I'm not in it, I'm not a star. I'm the same person I was when I left here three months ago. It's so unfair of you to assume that I bought into all that bullshit and am never coming back here or I'd be unhappy if I did. That's not what I want. I want the life we always had. I really do love you, and I have not been fucking around in L.A. I wouldn't do that, nor would I want to,” she said, looking hurt.

“It's hard for me to believe you'd ever want this life again,” he said, looking mournful. It was his excuse for what he'd done.

“So what does that mean? You hire another wife before I even quit the job? What have you been doing, holding auditions, ‑Housewife wanted, screenwriters need not apply’? What's wrong with you? And what's wrong with her? Whatever happened to decency, trust, and honor? She claims to be my best friend. What, does it suddenly make it okay to cheat on me, and betray me, just because I'm working on a movie in L.A.? With your encouragement, I might add.” Her eyes blazed as she looked at him, but beyond the anger was grief. Peter didn't know what to say to her. He knew she was right, but it didn't change anything. They couldn't unring the bell. He was having an affair with Alice.

“What are you doing here, Peter? And what are you going to do now?”

“I don't know.” He looked distraught as he said it. Alice had asked him the same question only that morning. In the blink of an eye, all three of their lives were a mess.

“Are you willing to stop seeing her, and try to put our marriage back together?” She looked at him long and hard, knowing she would never trust him again. And how would he avoid Alice, living right next door? The minute Tanya left for L.A., they'd be together again. She didn't trust either one of them anymore. This had been like a bolt of lightning that had struck her and their marriage. Where did you go from here? She wanted to know what Peter felt, if he even knew himself, which apparently he didn't. He was still too much in shock over what he had done, and the fact that Tanya had guessed it. It was like a tidal wave hitting their life.

“I don't know,” he said again. And then he looked her in the eye. They both looked devastated. “I want our marriage back, Tan. I want to go back to the way things were, before you went to L.A. But I also want to figure out what I feel for Alice. There must be something there or it wouldn't have happened. I was lonely and tired of juggling everything myself, but I don't think that's why it happened. Maybe there was more to it than that. It wasn't just a mistake or a random fuck. I wish I could say it was, but I'm not sure that's the case. I owe it to all three of us to figure that out.”

“And how do you propose to do that? Audition us in turn? Just how much leeway do you want here? You've just destroyed my life, both of you, my family, and everything I believe in. I trusted you … what am I supposed to do now?” she asked, sobbing openly. “What do you want?”

“I need some time to figure it out,” he said hoarsely. They all did. And Alice had told him she was in love with him, and had been since her husband died. She just never thought there was a chance for them, and now she did. He had no idea what to do with that information either. He was drowning in his own confusion and what both women were saying to him.

“Do you want me to quit the film now? I will,” Tanya offered and he shook his head.

“They'll sue our asses off, for your fees and damages. We don't need that headache on top of this. It'll just make a bigger mess. You have to finish the film.” He looked grim.

“While you and Alice go on screwing here all week while I'm in L.A. at work. What do you think your children are going to think of this? You're not going to look like a hero to them.”

“I know. I'm anything but. I get that. I feel like a complete asshole. Look, I fucked up. I slipped. I made a terrible mistake. I cheated on you. It happened. I can't take it back. But I also need to find out if it was a random mistake, or something more than that, that actually makes sense. I spend more time with her than I do with you now, Tan. We have more in common. We do the same things, have the same friends, want the same life. You're out in the stratosphere somewhere, doing something else. You wanted that. Be honest. Maybe all you wanted was the writing, but you got the whole ball of wax. You can't separate the two. The lifestyle comes with the work. You look mighty comfortable to me in that bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel. I don't see you running out to rent a studio in some cheap neighborhood, or taking the bus instead of the limo they give you. I think you like all that, and why not? You're earning it. But I can't see you giving that up in six months. My guess is you'll want another film, and another one … you'll never want this life or me again.”

“You have no right to make my decisions for me, or to tell me how I feel, or what I want. All I wanted was to come home at the end of it. And now you're telling me I can't, that there may not be a home, and someone else may have taken my place.”

“It happens, Tan,” he said sadly. “I didn't want this to happen either.”

“But you did it anyway. I didn't. I had nothing to do with this, except that I took a job in another city for nine months. I come home every chance I get.” She was begging him to be fair, but the situation wasn't. Just as life wasn't sometimes.

“It's not enough,” Peter said honestly. “I need more than a wife who comes home a couple of weekends a month. I need someone here with me every day. The last three months nearly killed me. I can't take care of the girls, work, cook, take care of the house. I can't do it all,” he said as he looked at her, and she looked angry again.

“Why not? I did. And I didn't cheat on you to relieve the stress, although I could have. I could be doing that in L.A., but I'm not.” She was sure that several people would have been happy to oblige her. She would never have done that to Peter. But he and Alice had done it to her. It was a double loss, her husband and her best friend, which made it doubly depressing.

“Look, let's try to keep a lid on this over the holidays. Let's try to calm down, and figure out what we feel. We're all screwed up and freaked out. I'll try to sort this out by the time you go back to L.A. I'm sorry, Tan, I don't know what else to do or say. I just need some time to think. We all do. Maybe we'll all get sane.”

“I'm sane,” Tanya said, looking him squarely in the eye. She was deathly pale. “It's you two who went nuts. Or maybe I did when I signed on for the movie. But I didn't deserve this,” she said, as tears filled her eyes again.

“No, you didn't. And I don't want to keep hurting you.” Now that it was out in the open, it had to be cleaned up one way or the other. He had both women pulling on him now, in opposite directions, and he was completely confused himself. “I'd rather we not tell the kids until we figure out what we're doing, if that's okay with you.” She thought about it for a minute and then nodded. They were fucked no matter what. There was no way their children weren't going to sense that something bad had happened. There would be inevitable stress between Peter and Tanya, and overnight Alice had become persona non grata in their house. That was going to be hard to explain. Their lies were going to have to be very creative over Christmas vacation. And whatever lies they told, their eyes told their own tale. Peter looked dead, and Tanya looked broken. Alice was hiding, and hysterical herself. She didn't want to be Peter's stand-in piece of ass while Tanya was away. She had told him that either he wanted an honest relationship with her, or it was over. She was relieved although embarrassed that Tanya had found out. But she said she had no remorse over what they'd done. She loved him, and Tanya finding out forced Peter to make up his mind about what he wanted and was doing, and step up to the plate. Alice had also told him that she was more than willing to sacrifice her friendship with Tanya for him. She loved him, and said she had for quite a while. It was yet another lightning bolt for him.

They were still sitting at the kitchen table when Megan and Molly walked in. They saw their parents and knew instantly that something had happened. Their mother looked devastated. They had never seen her look that way before, except when someone died. Their father got up, and took out the garbage. He needed some air.

“What happened?” Molly asked, looking at her mother, as Tanya put on a totally unconvincing happy face.

“Nothing. An old friend of mine from college died. I just heard the news, and I was talking to Dad about it. It made me sad, that's all,” she said, wiping away tears again.

“I'm sorry, Mom. Can I do anything?” Tanya shook her head, unable to speak, as Peter walked back in. As her eyes met his, he looked as distraught as she did, and Megan saw it. A few minutes later the girls went upstairs, and Jason walked in. He saw it, too, and conferred with his sisters an hour later. Their parents' bedroom door was shut, which was unheard of in the afternoon. They knew something was wrong, but they couldn't figure out what. They could sense that it was serious. Megan was afraid her mother wanted a divorce and was moving to L.A.

“I don't think so,” Molly said. “She'd never leave Dad, or us.” She was sure of it.

“There won't be an ‑us’; next year,” Megan reminded her. “And she left us this year. Believe me, she'd move. I think that's it. Poor Dad looked so upset.” She didn't know what had happened, but she already felt sorry for him.

“Mom looked just as upset as he did,” Jason pointed out to both of them. “I hope neither of them is sick.” They had fully understood that it was a life-and-death matter, or close to it, and all three children were deeply disturbed. In their own room, Peter and Tanya were arguing again, as quietly as they could, so the children wouldn't hear them.

By that afternoon, a pall had come over the house. It felt like someone had died there, and the funereal atmosphere hung over them for days. Tanya finally went out and bought a Christmas tree with Jason, to put them in the Christmas spirit. But she ended up crying while she was decorating it, and Molly saw her. She tried to find out what had happened, but Tanya wouldn't say. Everyone walked on eggs for the rest of the holidays, particularly Tanya and Peter, but the children as well. Tanya saw Alice in the driveway once, and Tanya turned and walked away. And when Megan asked her mother why they hadn't invited Alice over for a drink even once since she was home, Tanya gave her vague excuses and said they were all too busy. Megan confronted her on it immediately.

“You're jealous of her, aren't you, Mom? Because we're all comfortable with her and she's like a second mother to us. Well, face it, if you had stuck around for senior year, she wouldn't be doing all this. She's doing it because you bagged on us,” Megan said with the meanness and shortsightedness of youth. Tanya said nothing and hid her tears. But the same applied to Peter, she realized. If she hadn't gone to work in L.A., Alice wouldn't have been taking care of him either, or inviting him and the girls over for dinner several times a week. In other words, according to Megan, she had gotten what she deserved. Tanya wondered if it was true. But she had been in L.A. for four months, and lonely, too, and she hadn't cheated on Peter.

The atmosphere in the house stayed hostile and depressing all the way till Christmas Eve. They went to church together, as they always did. But this year they didn't join forces with Alice and her two children. They went separately. Only Megan complained about their not sitting with Alice, said she felt sorry for her, and she went to sit with her in church. Tanya spent the entire mass on her knees, with her hands covering her face, and tears running down her cheeks. Peter found himself staring at the two women during the service. The one begging him with her eyes to come and start a new life with her, the other mourning the old one. He had told Alice days before that he couldn't talk to her until he resolved this, it was too confusing, and now she looked panicked. The fallout from their brief affair had been like a tidal wave, and only seemed to be getting worse.

They barely made it through Christmas Day, and the children went skiing in Tahoe shortly after, and planned to spend New Year's Eve in the mountains. Tanya was sure they were relieved to get away. She was doing her best to cover up what was happening, but the masquerade was unconvincing, and by the time the kids left, she and Peter both looked as though they were ready for a nervous breakdown. And every time she couldn't account for his whereabouts, she was convinced he was with Alice. She no longer trusted him, and maybe never would again.

They chose not to acknowledge New Year's Eve at all, Tanya said she just couldn't. And they lay in bed and talked on New Year's morning. They had been in bed at ten o'clock the night before, but both looked as though they'd had no sleep. Tanya woke up feeling dead every morning, the moment she remembered what had happened. She no longer asked him what his plans were. She assumed that he would tell her when he knew.

They were lying side by side in bed, staring out the window. Tanya could see the corner of Alice's roof, and she lay looking at it in silence. Peter lay on his back and spoke to the ceiling.

“I'm going to end it with Alice,” he said somberly. “I think that's the right thing to do.” There was silence in the room. The right thing, as far as Tanya was concerned, was never to have done it. Ending it was the next-best thing.

“Is that what you want, Peter?” she asked softly. He nodded. “Do you think you can? Will she let you?” She knew better than anyone how tenacious Alice could be when she wanted something.

“She's being very reasonable. She says she's going to go away for a while. She has some things to do for the gallery in Europe. It'll give us a break. It's not like this has been going on forever.” He sighed. He hated discussing it with Tanya, but he knew he had to. She had been waiting to hear his decision for over two weeks, and so had Alice. He had told her the previous afternoon and she agreed. She wasn't happy about it, but she said she understood, and if he ever changed his mind, to let her know. The door would always be open to him. That only made it harder for him. He knew he needed to close that door to save his marriage.

“And what happens when she comes back?” Tanya asked, looking worried.

“We keep our distance for a while, I guess, until things get normal again.” But all three of them knew they never would. Tanya hadn't said anything to Alice, but she had no intention of ever speaking to her again. And she no longer trusted Peter when she went back to L.A. If not Alice, maybe now he would sleep with someone else. And once Alice came back from Europe, she had no faith in their ability to stay away from each other. It was a miserable situation for them all.

Tanya nodded in silence, and got up and showered. She couldn't throw her arms around Peter's neck and tell him she loved him. She didn't know what she felt anymore. Anger, rage, disappointment, fear, heartbreak, sorrow. She felt a multitude of emotions, none of them pleasant, and she wasn't even sure now if one of them was love. She hoped that in time their relationship would recover and bloom again, but she was no longer sure of anything. The situation had put up a wall between them. Peter made no attempt to scale the walls she'd built. He knew that could only happen with time, but it was a lonely place for him.

In the interest of repairing some of the damage, he invited her to dinner a few days before she went back to L.A. Alice had already left for Europe. And Jason had left for school that day. The vacation had been depressing, and incredibly stressful from beginning to end. Tanya agreed to go out with him, although she had little to say. They managed to limp their way through dinner, talking about the children, and as many inane topics as they could find. The evening wasn't fun for either of them, but they knew they had to start somewhere. They both carefully stayed off the subject of Alice. And in bed that night, Peter attempted to make overtures to her for the first time since she'd been home and had found out about his affair. But the moment he laid a gentle hand on her back, Tanya instantly stiffened. She turned away from him, and then back again, in the dark. There were tears in her eyes, but he couldn't see them. He could hear them in her voice.

“I'm sorry, Peter …I can't…not yet…,” she said softly.

“It's all right. I understand,” he said, and turned away from her. He hadn't put his arms around her in weeks, or told her that he loved her, which was all she wanted. All their conversations had been about Alice. She hung between them still as surely as if she had been lying between them in their bed.

And as he lay with his back to her, Tanya lay with her head on her pillow, looking at him with wide eyes, and wondering if anything would ever be the same again.

Chapter 12

Going back to L.A. was an even greater agony for Tanya this time. She hugged each of her children with tears in her eyes, and was so upset she couldn't even speak when she left. Even Megan looked somewhat sorry for her. Particularly since she had no female mentor now. She knew that Alice was going to be away for at least a month. She had called both girls to say goodbye. They didn't even know exactly where she had gone. The only one she had left her itinerary with was Peter, but he didn't share that information with anyone, and wasn't sure he wanted it himself. He didn't know if he trusted himself with it. After he wrote the numbers down, he thought better of it, tore the paper into little bits, and threw it away. He felt safer doing that, in case he weakened late one night, called her, and asked her to come home. He was determined to give her up, and was fairly certain that he could. As much as one knew anything in life, which he doubted more and more these days. It was hard knowing that Tanya no longer trusted him. She still looked devastated when he drove her to the airport and she put her arms around his neck.

“I still love you, Peter,” she said sadly. They had never managed to make love before she left. Every time she thought about it, all she could think of was his betraying her with Alice. It was going to take her more time to recover from the shock and feel comfortable with him again.

“I love you too, Tan. I'm sorry all this happened.” It had totally destroyed Christmas for all of them. No matter how hard they tried to hide it, their children had sensed easily that something was wrong. Both Peter and Tanya refused to discuss it, which only seemed to make things worse, and worried their children more.

“I hope it gets better soon,” Tanya said sadly.

“So do I,” he said honestly. He wanted their marriage to work again. He just wasn't sure how much damage had been done. Clearly, a lot.

“I'll be home on Friday, if I can.” And if she couldn't, she wondered to herself, what would happen then? Who would he sleep with? Where would Alice be? Would he find someone else? Tanya no longer felt safe. For twenty years she had trusted him totally. Now she trusted nothing and no one, and least of all him. It was a terrible feeling, and he could see it in her eyes. Every time she looked at him, he felt the white heat of reproach, and the weight of her aching heart. It was a lot to live with, and they were both relieved to be spending some time apart. The last three weeks had been too much. She hated to leave him and the girls, but she was glad to go back to L.A. For once, he was right. It broke her heart, but all she wanted was to escape.

She got back to her bungalow at eight o'clock that night, and this time even her cheery little rooms at the Beverly Hills Hotel looked depressing to her. She wanted to be home again, and yet she didn't. She wanted to be in Ross with him, the way it had been before. She wondered if it would ever be that way again. And now that she was back in L.A., in the bungalow, she was lonelier than ever, and missed Jason and the girls. She missed everything and everyone, and even herself. She felt as though she had lost herself in the last three weeks. The only thing she hadn't lost were her children, but she even felt out of touch with them. She didn't call Peter that night, and he didn't call her either. The silence was deafening in Bungalow 2. She didn't even bother to put on music. She just curled up in bed, asked for a wake-up call, and cried herself to sleep. In some ways it was a relief. She didn't have to worry about Peter lying next to her, and wonder what he was thinking, or if he had heard from Alice. Tanya felt as though she couldn't stem the tides. She didn't know if his promise to end the affair was sincere, or if he could live up to it. She had no idea what to believe. She had trusted him before, and her peaceful little world had come crashing down like a house of cards in the past three weeks.

She was relieved to get back to the set the next day, despite the early wake-up call. Max was the first one she saw, sharing a bagel with Harry. The dog wagged his tail the minute he saw Tanya, and she patted him with a tired smile.

“Welcome back,” Max said, smiling at her. It took him less than a second to see the shards of her heart in her eyes. She looked awful and had lost about ten pounds. He pretended not to notice. “How were the holidays?”

“Great,” she said in a flat voice. “How was New York?”

“Ice cold and snowy, but it was fun. I think I'm too old for grandchildren. Only young people should have grandchildren. They wore me out.” She smiled, as Douglas appeared with a stack of notes. Their last script changes were being distributed in a new shade of pastel colors. It was hard to keep track of the changes anymore, there had been so many.

“Welcome back to Hollywood,” he said, with a raised eyebrow. “Wonderful time in Marin?” he asked sarcastically. If so, she didn't look it. She was suddenly too thin. “You look like you haven't eaten since you left.” Thank you, Douglas. Never one to mince words, or hide what he thought.

“I had the flu.” She covered her tracks, and she doubted he believed her.

“That's too bad. Welcome back to work,” he said, and moved on. He stayed on the set all morning to see how things were going. They had some tough scenes to shoot, but for once Jean Amber remembered her lines. She looked blissful, and word had gotten out that she had spent the holidays in St. Bart's with Ned Bright. They both looked very happy, and the energy between them was electric in every scene.

“Ahhh, young love,” Max said with a grin as he walked off the set at lunchtime, having yelled “Cut! And print,” which meant he liked the last shot. He glanced over at Tanya, and realized that she looked even worse than he had first thought. He had never seen a human so pale. “Are you okay? If you're still sick, you don't have to come to work. We can call you at the hotel.”

“No, I'm fine. Just tired.”

“You lost a hell of a lot of weight.” He looked worried about her, and she was touched.

“Yeah, I guess,” she said vaguely, and pretended to concentrate on the script, as tears swam in her eyes. She didn't intend him to, but he saw them, and they spilled down her cheeks, as he quietly handed her a tissue.

“Looks like you had a fabulous time,” he said softly, as Harry watched the exchange with a puzzled look. Even he knew something was wrong.

“Yeah, really terrific.” She blew her nose and laughed through her tears, and then wiped her eyes. “Some vacations are less fun than others. This one wasn't so great.”

“This one must have been a lulu,” Max said dryly. “What did he do? Lock you in the dungeon and refuse to feed you? You know, there are 800 numbers you can call for that. I think the last one I called was 1â€800-D-I-V-O-R-C-E. It worked really well. They sent out a rescue truck and took the bitch away. Keep the number in mind in case he tries it again. Take your cell phone into the dungeon with you.” As he said it, she cried harder, and he handed her more tissues.

“It wasn't quite as bad as that.” And then she thought about it for a minute and was honest with herself. “Actually, it was worse. The whole damn vacation sucked, to tell the truth.” It felt good to say it to him.

“Sometimes holidays are like that. Mine usually are. It was nice this year spending it with my kids. Usually I volunteer in a soup kitchen or something. It makes me feel better to see people less fortunate than I, I realize I'm not so bad off. Maybe you should do something like that.” She nodded. “I'm sorry, Tanya,” he said in a soft, sympathetic voice, which only made her cry more. “Should I call a plumber? I think you have a busted pipe. You've sprung a hell of a leak there.” She was crying rivers, and he made her laugh again.

“I'm sorry. I'm a mess. I've been worse since I got back to L.A. Everything was so tense, and I had to put on a good front for the kids. Here, all I've done is cry since I got back last night.”

“As long as it helps. Big problems? Or small ones?”

“Big,” she said, looking him in the eye. Her eyes looked like bottomless pools of green pain. He hated to see it.

“Anything I can do to help?” She shook her head. “I figured. Maybe time will work it out.”

“Maybe.” If Peter was telling the truth, and Alice stayed away for long enough. And if she could get home on weekends. If not, God only knew what would happen, particularly once Alice got back. She didn't trust either of them anymore, and suspected she never would again, which was no way to be married. She looked at Max miserably and decided to confide in him. She hadn't told a soul since her discovery of Peter's affair. Her only confidants before that had been Peter and Alice. And she couldn't tell her kids. “I found out the day I got back to Marin, he had an affair with my best friend.” Her agony was in her eyes, as Max winced.

“Shit. That's nasty stuff. Did you walk in on them? I hope not.”

“No. I saw it in his eyes. I suspected it on Thanksgiving, but I don't think it had happened yet. Maybe I felt it coming.”

“Women are amazing about that. They always sense it. Guys never know for shit until it bites them on the ass. Women know. I hate that about them. You can never get away with anything. And then what happened?”

“We spent three awful weeks torturing each other. She went to Europe. And he says he won't start it again when she gets back. He claims it's over.”

“Do you believe him?” Max was flattered by her confidence. She trusted him, and valued his advice.

She shook her head in answer to his question. “Not anymore. And maybe never again. I'm afraid he'll go back to her when she gets home. He thinks I'll never come back from L.A. That I've got it under my skin, which is so unfair. He won't listen no matter what I say.”

“That's an excuse, Tan. If he wanted to make it work with you, he wouldn't care if you'd been a belly dancer in a harem, or had an affair with the King of England, or Donald Trump. Bottom line, if he wants to make it work, he would tell you to get your ass home when this is over, and forget Hollywood. Maybe he wants out. Or he's scared, or feels inadequate with you. Is she young?”

“No.” Tanya shook her head. “She's six years older than I am, two years older than him.”

“Then it must be love. No one goes after a woman two years older unless it is.” Max looked impressed.

“They're a lot alike, that's why I loved them both. She screwed me over totally. I think she went after him. She's been a widow for two years. And I'm gone all the time, as he pointed out. My kids think of her as an aunt. She gets along better with one of my daughters than I do. I think she was working it, and wanted him. My leaving to do this film is the best thing that ever happened to her. Shit luck for me.” He nodded, looking sympathetic.

“What does he say?”

“That he ended it.”

“Does he say he loves her?”

“He says he doesn't know.”

“I hate guys like that,” Max said, looking annoyed. “Either he loves her or he doesn't. How the hell can he not know?”

“He says he loves me, too,” she said, blowing her nose again. “I'm not sure I even believe that anymore.” Tanya felt as though her whole life had been destroyed, and she looked it. And in fact, it had. Max felt very sorry for her. She was such a nice woman, and had talked about her husband so much, and how much she loved him. He knew it must be an awful blow for her. And a fatal blow to her marriage, too.

“I believe that he loves you, Tanya,” Max said thoughtfully, stroking his beard. He always did that when he was thinking. “I mean, what guy wouldn't? He'd have to be deaf, dumb, and blind not to. And I also believe that he's confused. And probably loves you both, which is really pathetic of him, but it does happen. Men get mixed up a lot that way. That's why they have mistresses and wives.”

“Then what do they do?” she asked, feeling like a child as she listened to him.

“Depends on the guy. Some marry the mistress, some stay with the wife. He could be right about one thing, you know. You could outgrow him down here. I didn't think that would happen, and I figured you'd go scurrying back. But you never know, maybe you'll do another picture. Or maybe you'll dump his sorry ass if he dicks you around.” She smiled at what Max said.

“I'd still go home. I have no reason to stay here.”

“You could have a hell of a career in movies, if you wanted to. You did a great job with this screenplay. You're going to get a lot of offers after this picture is released. You'll have your pick if you want.”

“I don't. I like the life I had.”

“Then fight for it. Keep a leash on him. Go home. Kick his ass. Don't put up with any shit. And make him pay for what he just did. That's what my wives did to me when I got out of line.”

“And what did you do?” Tanya asked with interest.

“I divorced them as fast as I could. But my mistresses were always younger and cuter and a lot more fun.” They both laughed at his response. “In your case, if this guy has any brains, he'll hang on to you. If that's what you want, I hope he does. Has he ever done this before?” She shook her head. She did believe that. “Good. Then he's a virgin. He may never do it again. It could have been a one-time mistake. A slip. Just keep an eye on this woman, and don't believe a word either of them says. Trust your instincts, you'll never go wrong.”

“That's how I figured it out. I knew it the minute I saw them.”

“Good girl. Hang in. It may turn out okay. I'm sorry you had such a rough time.” She shrugged.

“Yeah. Me too. Thank you for listening.” As she said it, the dog barked and they both laughed again.

“He agrees with everything I say. He's a very smart dog.”

“And you're a very smart man, and a good friend,” she said as she leaned over and kissed his cheek, and Douglas walked by again.

“What are you two getting so cozy about?” He looked intrigued.

“She just proposed to me,” Max explained. “I told her she'd have to buy me. Six cows and a herd of goats, and a new Bentley. We were just concluding the negotiations. She's giving me a tough time about the goats. The Bentley was easy.” Douglas grinned, and Tanya laughed. She felt better after talking to Max.

“It looked pretty good to me this morning. What do you think?” Douglas asked him, and Max said he was pleased. The romance between Jean and Ned was working well for them. It had improved her performance immeasurably. It was a common thing. A lot of actors and actresses got involved during the shooting of a film. Kind of like shipboard romance. And when they docked, it was over. A few stuck, but most didn't. The cast was betting that this one wouldn't. Jean had a reputation for changing men like her shoes. And she had a lot of shoes. So did Ned. They were cut from the same cloth.

Douglas turned to Tanya then. “Do you want to grab something to eat tonight after we finish shooting? I want to talk to you about some changes in the script.” Tanya was tired, but she didn't think she should turn him down. Meetings with Douglas were command performances, even if they came in the guise of dinner.

“Sure, if I can look like this.” She didn't have the energy to go back to the hotel and change.

“You look fine,” he said, seeming not to notice. “We can go out for sushi or Chinese. I won't take long. I know you've been sick.” He had no reason to doubt it, she was very pale and had lost a lot of weight. She had no intention of telling him the truth.

They finished around eight o'clock that night. Douglas drove her to his favorite sushi bar, and she had her limo follow. He said he was going out afterward. Tanya was exhausted by the time they sat down to eat.

The changes he wanted to talk to her about were minimal. She was surprised he had wanted to do it over dinner. He said he wanted to catch up.

“So how was Christmas? Great with your kids?” he asked as they divided up the sushi and put it on their plates. He liked all the same ones she did.

“Yes, great,” she said, trying to convince herself, and forget what the vacation had really been like. “It was actually nice to come back to work today.” He watched her eyes as she said it, and saw something there.

“Why is it that I get the feeling there's trouble on the home front and you're lying to me? Tell me to mind my own business, if I'm too far off base.” She didn't want to confide in him, but she didn't have the energy to lie either. Maybe it didn't make any difference anymore.

“I'm not lying. I just don't want to talk about it,” she admitted to him. “To be honest, the holidays sucked.”

“That's too bad,” he said softly. “I was hoping I was wrong.” She wasn't sure if she believed him. He was such an advocate of her buying into the whole L.A. scene. But when he saw the devastation in her eyes, he felt sorry for her. “Serious stuff?”

“Maybe. Time will tell,” she said cryptically, and he nodded.

“I'm sorry, Tanya. I know how much your home life means to you. I assume it was a problem with your husband, not the kids.”

“Yes, it was. First time. It was kind of a shock.”

“It always is. No matter who you are. Trust issues. Relationships aren't easy, whether you're married or not.” He smiled at her over the last of their dinner. “That's why I avoid them at all costs. It's easier being a free agent, and keeping things light.” There was nothing light about her life, or her marriage, or the way she felt about Peter, and Douglas knew that. “I know that's not your style.”

“No, it's not,” she said with a sad smile. “I think coming down here put us to the test. It's a lot to ask to be gone for nine months, and only home for occasional weekends. It's been hard on Peter, and my girls. It's a shame it didn't happen next year. But it still would have been hard on him.”

“Maybe it will strengthen the marriage,” Douglas said as he paid the check. He didn't look as though he believed what he was saying, or even that he cared. Tanya was a foreign breed to him. He was fascinated by her, but he didn't really understand the value of the life she led, or why she wanted it so much. It sounded fatally boring and mundane to him. “Or maybe you'll find that you've outgrown each other,” he said carefully, “or that you've outgrown him.”

“I don't think that's the case,” Tanya said quietly. “I think this is just hard.” Harder yet now that Peter had added Alice to the mix. “We'll deal with it,” she said, and wished she was convinced. She was quiet as they left the restaurant, and stood on the sidewalk for a minute, discussing the script again, and then Douglas looked down at her gently.

“I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, Tanya.” This time he looked as though he meant it. He could see how upset she was, and he felt sorry for her. She was a nice person, and she looked genuinely pained. “It happens to us all. If I can do anything for you, let me know.”

“I'd like to really try to get home for weekends for a while, without letting down anyone here.”

“I'll do what I can,” he said, and then got into his car as she got into her limo. He roared off in the Ferrari, and she went back to the hotel. She felt lonely when she walked into her bungalow. She missed Peter, and called him on his cell. He picked it up right away, as though he were waiting for her call.

“Oh…hi…,” he said, as though he was surprised that it was her, and her heart sank.

“Who did you think it was?” She was instantly suspicious now.

“I don't know … you, I guess. I was just talking to the girls.” She wondered if he had been expecting a call from Alice, or even someone else. She hated how she felt about him now. She distrusted his every word. “How was your day?”

“Long. We were on the set till eight. I just talked to Douglas about the script over sushi. They keep wanting more changes.” She was going to stay home in the morning to do the work he wanted. The next three months until they finished the film looked like an endless stretch of road ahead of her. And two months of postproduction made it seem like an eternity until she could be home full-time again. She had no idea if their marriage would hold up to the strain. She was beginning to doubt it. She felt sick when she thought of the months ahead, and what Peter and Alice had done. She had never expected this to happen. She had thought they were solidly married forever, and now everything was up in the air. Even though Peter had agreed to end the affair with Alice, Tanya was terrified the damage he had done was too great. “How was your day?” She tried to sound normal when she talked to him, but nothing felt right anymore. They felt awkward with each other, and her voice was filled with pain.

“Long, too, but it was okay.” And then his voice softened. “I miss you, even though everything's a mess right now. I'm sorry, Tan. I'm sorry I fucked it all up.” He sounded near tears as he said it. He had gone back to their room and was sitting on the bed talking to her. He was lonely, and she was, too.

“Hopefully, we'll fix it.” Her voice was gentle. “I miss you too. I love you.” And then she had an idea. “Do you want to come down one night this week, for the night?” They needed something like that. A little romance in their lives, to strengthen the bond again.

“I don't think I can,” he said, sounding depressed. “I have meetings all week, and I don't want to leave the girls.” And now Alice wasn't next door to keep an eye on them, or help them if they had a problem.

“They could stay with friends,” Tanya suggested.

“I'll see. Maybe next week. This week is a killer.”

“It was just a thought.”

“It was a nice thought.”

“I'll try to get home this weekend. I promise. I said something about it to Douglas, that I really need to get home. I hope they don't schedule any meetings on Saturday. Even if they do, I'll come home right after.” She thought it was important to be home for the moment, to try and shore up the damage that had been done.

As it turned out, there were no weekend meetings that week. She didn't know if Douglas had done that for her, or they didn't need them. But she got out promptly on Friday afternoon, and was in Ross by dinnertime. Peter looked pleased to see her, and the girls were delighted to see their mom, and then went out with friends. She and Peter went to a little Italian restaurant they liked in Marin for a late dinner, and things felt almost normal when they came home. The week had done them good. The dust was starting to settle. They didn't make love that night, but for the first time in weeks they cuddled, and then finally the next morning they made love for the first time since his affair with Alice. It was sad but sweet, and there was a gentle, bittersweet quality to it, as though they were both reaching out and trying to find each other again. She had to force herself not to think that he had done the same things with Alice. She didn't let herself think about it, as she lay in his arms afterward and closed her eyes. He was afraid to ask her what she was thinking. He just wanted things to be all right between them again. He hoped they would be. All he could do was try to repair the damage he had done.

Tanya opened her eyes and looked at him. There was a small, sad smile on her lips. “I love you, Peter.”

“Me too,” he said, and kissed her gently on the mouth. “I love you, Tan … I'm so sorry.” She nodded, trying not to think that his I love you sounded like goodbye.

Chapter 13

Tanya made it home for three weekends in a row in January, and things started to feel normal with Peter again. She knew he was trying to make amends, and she was relieved to see week after week that Alice hadn't come back. It helped. She never wanted to see her again, which was of course impossible, since she lived next door. But the longer she stayed away, to break the spell, the better chance Tanya and Peter had to regain their marriage.

The fourth weekend she couldn't come home, but Peter said it was fine. He was preparing for a trial, the girls had plans, and the weather had been terrible all week. More than likely her flight would have gotten canceled or delayed. There had been storms up and down the state, and he said Tanya was better off in L.A. She had a lot of work to do, too. More script changes, and they were doing location shots for the next few weeks that were going to be difficult. They were estimating that the picture would end in six or seven weeks. She could hardly wait. She would be home then for two weeks, and then back to work on postproduction with the editors and Max. She had been in L.A. for five months by then, with roughly four more to go, maybe less. She felt as though she had given blood for this picture. Or maybe worse, her marriage. But things were slowly improving with Peter. Their three weekends together had helped them a lot, and Tanya was grateful she'd been able to get home.

At the end of the following week, she got a nasty case of flu, or food poisoning, and couldn't get home either. It was another week before she got home, which coincidentally was Valentine's Day. She had bought Peter a red tie with hearts on it, and a box of his favorite candy, and cute nightgowns for the girls and some T-shirts from Fred Segal's. She was carrying all of it in a shopping bag, when she got out of the cab in front of their house. She had wanted to surprise Peter, so she hadn't called him, and as she got out of the cab, she saw him coming out of Alice's house, and he had his arm around her waist. They were laughing when he looked up and saw Tanya staring at them. Tanya stood still for a moment, and then with her head down, she hurried into the house. She was standing in the kitchen, shaking, when Peter found her. He looked frightened.

“I see Alice is back,” Tanya said as she looked at him. She made no accusations, but they had looked totally at ease with each other, and she had noticed that Alice had a new hairdo. “When did she come home?”

“About ten days ago,” he said, sounding solemn. He knew what Tanya thought. It hadn't happened yet, but they had spent some time together and talked about what had happened two months before. They were both still trying to understand it, and figure out what it meant, if it had been an accident or something more important for either of them.

“Alice looks good,” Tanya said in a flat voice, wanting to ask if he had already slept with her, but she didn't dare. He could hear the question without her voicing it. It was obvious what she thought.

“Nothing's happened, Tan. She's sick,” he said with a serious expression. “She had a check-up when she got back, and they found a lump in her breast. She had a lumpectomy last week, and they're starting radiation in a few weeks.” He sounded worried, and Tanya looked into his eyes.

“I'm sorry to hear it. Does that change things for us again?” she wanted to know. She didn't want to ride this seesaw with him. Once was enough. He shook his head.

“I just feel sorry for her,” he said honestly. Tanya knew that was dangerous for them, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. Whatever he felt for Alice was between them, and if Tanya lost him to her now, she knew it was inevitable. Maybe it had nothing to do with her being in L.A. She couldn't tie him up forever. If he wanted out, he would find the way. Tanya felt defeated as she looked at him across the kitchen. She suddenly felt as though she had lost again. “I'm not going to do anything stupid, Tan,” he said gently. She nodded with tears in her eyes, picked up her things, and went upstairs. But in a flash, with Alice's return, everything had changed. She could feel it, or maybe all she felt was fear, both her own and Peter's.

He took her to dinner the following night for Valentine's Day, and she gave him his present. He wore the tie to dinner, and he gave her a cashmere sweater. She loved it, but she was anxious all weekend. Knowing Alice was next door again was like having the devil come to visit. Tanya wasn't sure how to win. If that was what Peter wanted, she knew there was no way to stop him, or to change the course of fate. The girls were happy Alice was back, although they could sense that something had happened between their friend and their mother. Neither woman talked about it, both avoided the subject, and both refused to look them in the eye whenever they asked questions. Alice just said they needed a break. And Tanya said nothing. But it was obvious that Tanya didn't even want to hear her name.

When Peter took Tanya to the airport on Sunday night, she was quiet and looked strained. He finally brought the subject up himself. “I'm not going to let anything happen, Tan. Alice and I talked about it. She knows I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Why don't you trust that, and go back to L.A. in peace?”

“Why is it that the only thing that comes to mind is ‑the road to hell is paved with good intentions’?” she said with a small, wry smile, and Peter laughed. It was certainly apt.

“Trust me.” She had trusted both of them before, and was well aware of what had happened. It was hard to trust them in such close proximity again. It was asking an awful lot of her. “You can put a tracking device on me, if you like. Or an alarm.” He was trying to lighten the moment, and Tanya smiled ruefully at him.

“What about a chip in your teeth?”

“Anything you want. I told her I'd take her to radiation treatments if she needs me to, when she starts them in a few weeks. But I'm not going to do anything more than that, I promise.” Tanya's heart sank at what he had just said.

“Why can't she get someone else to take her? She has lots of friends.” Alice was a gregarious woman whom everyone liked, and people had always been drawn to her, like a magnet.

“If she can manage without me, she will. She said everyone is busy.”

“So are you,” Tanya pointed out. “She's going to get her hooks in you again,” Tanya said with a look of anguish and despair. There seemed to be no way to keep them away from each other, and Alice needing help from him was exactly the kind of thing Tanya was afraid of and wanted to avoid. It was a perfect way to start their affair again. Sympathy, compassion, concern, pity. Tanya knew just how Peter worked, and so did their friend.

“Don't worry, Tan. It'll be fine,” he said, looking confident, as they drove into the airport, and a moment later they were at the curb.

Tanya looked at him with worried eyes, and felt a wave of terror engulf her. “I'm scared,” she said softly to him.

“Don't be. She's exactly what she used to be. A friend. The rest was a mistake.” Tanya nodded, and kissed him goodbye. A moment later she was on the sidewalk carrying her bag, and turned to wave. He waved back, smiled, and drove away. And as Tanya walked into the airport, she felt panic eat at her again. She thought about it all the way to L.A. on the plane and when she got back to the hotel. She had no idea what to do to protect Peter from Alice and finally realized she couldn't. It was up to him.

She called him on his cell phone shortly after, and it went to voice mail. By the time he called her back at eleven o'clock that night, she was so anxious she was feeling sick. She didn't want to ask him where he'd been, but she could guess.

“How was your evening?” she said instead. She had left a stupid message on his cell, and he knew what she was asking him.

“I went to a movie with the girls. We just got back.” She felt an instant wave of relief, followed by a second wave of fear. “Did Alice go with you?” She hated herself for asking, but had to know. She hated knowing she was back. It was a nightmare having her so close.

“No, she didn't. We didn't ask her.”

“I'm sorry, Peter.” She felt like someone she'd never been before, someone she didn't want to be. But she had no choice. Fear was in control.

“It's okay. I understand. How was your flight?”

“Fine. I miss you.” They were almost back where they had been before his brief affair with Alice. Her being back now stirred the pot again, and ugly things were coming up. Mostly panic and resentment, and the anger Tanya felt at having been betrayed by both of them. It still seemed fresh.

“I miss you, too. Get some sleep. I'll call you tomorrow.” She lay in bed for hours that night, wondering if he had sneaked next door, or if Alice was in her bed. It was becoming an obsession, and she hated herself for it. She knew he didn't like it either. Who would? But it was his own fault. Peter and Alice had created a mess that now all three of them had to live with. And Tanya was the innocent bystander in it all. She hated her role of unwitting victim, betrayed wife.

The picture heated up for the next month. They were nearing the end, and in the final frenzy of trying to get all the shots right, there was no way for Tanya to get home. They were in production meetings day and night, and she rewrote the script a thousand times. Even Max looked exhausted. It was the third week of March when Max held up a hand and said “Cut!” for the last time, and then the magic words, “It's a wrap, folks.” A cheer went up on the soundstage they were working on, and everyone danced around. Champagne was poured, and people hugged and kissed. Jean and Ned were still an item, but there were bets on the set that they wouldn't be for long. He was going to his next movie in May, and would be shooting in South Africa for six months. Douglas was working on another project, and so was Max. And Tanya wanted to go home. She hadn't seen Peter for two weeks, and he hadn't been able to come down.

She had two weeks off, which coincided perfectly with the girls' spring vacation. And then Tanya had to come back for six to eight weeks of postproduction. She would be all through in late May or early June, just in time for the girls to graduate. She had missed the entire year with them. The only consolation was that she'd be home when the girls got their college acceptances. At least there was that.

“Are you going to miss us, Tanny?” Max asked, sipping champagne, as he held a second glass for the dog. Douglas was shaking hands with everyone. There was an atmosphere of New Year's celebration all around them. The cruise was over for the cast. Only the editors and production people would be around for the next two months, working closely with Max, while he and Douglas meticulously looked over the final results. There would be some dubbing, looping, some voices they'd have to add, a lot of scenes they'd cut. The art of movie making was about to be exercised in minute detail, but first Tanya was going home.

By the time she got back to the bungalow to pack, it was too late to catch a flight, so she went home in the morning. She could hardly wait for two weeks at home with Peter and the girls. It was the longest span of time she'd been home since Christmas, which had been disastrous. And she'd worked like a dog ever since. She felt as though she'd been through the wars. She dreaded going back to L.A. for the last two months. She felt as though she had really earned her keep. All she wanted was to go home to Peter and the girls.

The house looked fine when she walked into the kitchen. It looked better than fine, it looked like home. She smiled broadly to herself, and loved being there when the girls got home. Even Megan seemed happy to see her there. She bought groceries, and cooked their favorite dinner. She had the table set and candles lit that night when Peter got home. It was hard to believe she hadn't seen him in more than a month. He smiled as he came through the door and saw what she'd done.

“It looks beautiful, Tan. That was nice of you.” He put an arm around her and hugged her, and when they went upstairs that night, she was hoping they'd make love. Peter was exhausted, and was sound asleep before she could take off her clothes. She was disappointed but there was no rush. She had two whole weeks ahead of her at home.

He was up when she woke up on Saturday, and already downstairs in the kitchen. He had made breakfast for her, the girls had gone out, and after she cleared the table, he suggested they take a walk. It was a beautiful, warm spring day. They drove to the base of Mount Tam and started walking. The way he looked at her made her uneasy, and she suddenly felt panic ripple through her again. They walked for the first ten minutes in silence, and when he saw a bench, he suggested they sit down. He looked as though he had something to say to her, and before he said a word, Tanya knew what it was. She wanted to run away and hide. But she couldn't. She had to at least pretend to be grown up. She was scared, and felt about five years old.

“Why is it that I have the feeling I'm not going to like what you're about to say?” Tanya said with a knot in her stomach. Peter looked down at his feet as he leaned over and played with some pebbles on the ground, and when he sat up again, she saw that he looked pained.

“I don't know what to say to you. I think you know anyway. I never thought this would happen. I still don't know how it did or why. But it did, Tan.” He was trying to make it fast and as painless as he could, but as he started, he realized that there was no way. It was going to be awful, whatever he did or said. “Alice and I got back together when she was sick, while she had radiation. I know it sounds crazy, but I think I want to marry her. I love you, it's not even about your being in L.A., or your not coming home for the past month. I think this would have happened anyway. I have the feeling it was meant to be.” She felt as though he had hit her with an ax. Her guts felt sliced in two. Her head was spinning, and her heart was somewhere in her shoes. She stared at him in disbelief.

“That simple? It's over? I haven't seen you in five weeks, and you decide that you and Alice were meant to be? How the hell did you come to that conclusion?” She was almost as angry as she was hurt.

“I realized how much I love her when she was sick. She needs me, Tan. I'm not sure you do. You're a strong woman. She isn't, and she's been through a lot of shit. She needs someone to take care of her.”

“Oh God …” Tanya leaned back against the bench, and closed her eyes. She couldn't even cry this time. Her body and mind hurt too much to even produce tears. She felt as though she were in shock. With all her suspicions, she had worried that he was sleeping with her, not that he was going to marry her, or decide it was “meant to be.” Tanya couldn't get her mind around the concept yet and wondered if she ever would. “I wrote a segment of a soap like this once. The producer thought it was too cheesy, so he made me cut the scene. Little did I know I'd be living it one day. Life imitating art, or some shit like that.” She stared at him in disbelief. “What's all that crap about my being so strong, and Alice needing you? Alice is a lot tougher than I. I think she set you up, Peter. She decided she wanted you, and she set out to get you the minute my back was turned. I think she's a lot stronger than you think.” He was so goddamned naéve, and they were both such shits. It was all Tanya could think. The fact that her life, such as she had known it for twenty years, was about to go out the window seemed much less important now than the fact that she had been totally betrayed by two people she loved, especially Peter. She felt set up, lied to, and betrayed by both of them. For the second time in three months. Maybe that was what he meant by “meant to be.” She felt “meant to be” screwed over by both of them. They had done a hell of a good job.

“So that's it?” Tanya asked as tears finally sprang to her eyes. They were long overdue. “It's over. You want out. You're going to marry her? What are you planning to tell our kids? That you're just moving next door, a simple change of address? How convenient for you.” She sounded bitter, and she had reason to be.

“She loves our kids,” he said, hating the way Tanya looked. He had watched the blood drain out of her face. He had been waiting to tell her for two weeks. Once he and Alice got back together, they were sure, especially while he took her to her radiation treatments every day. He hadn't said anything about it to Tanya on the phone. He knew what she had thought. And she had been right once again.

“Yes, she does love our kids,” Tanya agreed, wiping her eyes on the corner of her shirt. She didn't care how she looked. It didn't matter anymore. “And apparently you love her, and she loves you. How sweet. And what about me? What am I supposed to do? What does the spurned woman do in these instances, Peter? Step aside graciously and wish you the best? Do we go on being neighbors, and share the kids like one big happy family? What do you want from me?”

“Alice is going to sell her house, and we're going to move to Mill Valley. But it may take a while. I don't think I should move in next door. It might be confusing for the kids.”

“Nice of you to figure that out, not to mention confusing for me. When were you planning to tell the kids?” She thought of something then. Her head was spinning and her mind was going in a thousand directions at once, trying to make sense of what he'd said. “I think we should wait to tell them until after graduation in June. It's less than three months away. I'll be back at the end of May, after we finish postproduction, which means we'll only have to live together for a couple of weeks.” He had already figured out the same timing as she. “I also have no idea what we're going to do for the next two weeks. You can't move in with Alice, and I don't want to share a room with you.” She was looking at him like a stranger. She had come home looking forward to two weeks with him, and he had given her this news. It was shocking beyond belief.

“I can stay in Jason's room, if you want,” he said quietly.

“How will you explain that to the girls?” She had a point. He wasn't quite sure how to do that. “Maybe we'll just have to suck it up and sleep in the same room.” She wasn't looking forward to it, knowing what she did now. He belonged to another woman. Twenty years of her life were over. She had been canceled, like a TV show with bad ratings. Off the air forever. She tried not to think about the fact that she still loved him. If she did, she might have lain on the ground at the foot of Mount Tam and started to wail. She suddenly wondered if she'd have a nervous breakdown. But it was a luxury she couldn't afford. She'd just have to be grown-up about it, even if it killed her. For a moment, she thought it might. He might as well have shot her. She played his words over in her mind again, but they sounded just as crazy in her head as they had coming out of his mouth. He was leaving her and wanted to marry Alice. Maybe they were all crazy. It made no sense to Tanya. It never had. Everything that was happening seemed insane.

“I'll sleep on the floor,” Peter said quietly, reviewing their sleeping arrangements, which were the least of their problems. She nodded. It seemed suitable punishment for him.

“And we'll tell them after graduation,” Tanya said, and he nodded in confirmation. “Well, that's simple then. Anything else we need to discuss? Do I have to sell the house?” There was an edge of despair in her voice, and a load of bricks on her heart.

“Not if you don't want to,” he said grimly. She looked normal but was sounding crazy, or maybe the reverse. She was trying to mentally walk through all the details so she knew what she was facing. It was a way of staying busy so she didn't fall apart.

“I don't need alimony. I think you should pay for college. I guess that sums it up then. When's the wedding?”

“Tan, don't be like this. I know it's a shock. I don't want to drag this out. We could have waited to be sure it's the right thing, but I didn't want to mislead you. Alice and I need time to figure this out and make sure it works. But I'd rather do that living with her than living with you and pretending, or lying to you any more than we already have.”

“Of course. No, lying isn't a good thing,” she said, as tears rolled down her cheeks. “I definitely think you should move in with Alice. But actually, I don't want to go to the wedding.” In spite of herself, she was sobbing. He tried to put an arm around her to comfort her, but she pulled away from him and stood up. She wanted to preserve what dignity she had left. It was horrifying to realize they'd have to pretend to be married for the next two weeks during the girls' spring vacation. They were no longer married, as far as Tanya was concerned. He now belonged to Alice, and had for several months.

They drove back to the house in silence, with Tanya wiping the tears off her cheeks, and staring out the window. She kept saying the words in her head again and again. Peter was leaving her. He was going to live with Alice … with Alice … not with her anymore. She was going to live alone now with her children, except that they would be gone, too. She was going to be totally alone in September. No Peter, no children. All she had wanted all winter was to come home, and now there was no one to come home to. In this case, the story had a very bad ending. She would never have written it this way, but Peter and Alice had. In essence Peter had fired her. And all Tanya could think of as they drove back to the house and she got out of the car was that she wanted to die.

Chapter 14

The two weeks Tanya spent in Marin were agony from start to finish. She tried to put up a good front for the girls, and Peter was extremely civilized and humiliatingly sympathetic. In the five weeks she hadn't seen him, his entire life had turned around, and he now belonged to Alice. Tanya felt as though she was dazed all the time. She kept trying to figure it out, and how it had happened. She blamed herself for going to L.A. and working on the movie. And when she didn't blame herself, she blamed Peter. And of course Alice. She was relieved when she finally left for L.A., to start postproduction. She had lost more weight and had a hard look to her, which was really fear. She was hanging on by a thread by the time she got to the office to work with Max and Douglas. It was a relief to have something to do other than try to guess what her life would be like after Peter left her. For the two weeks in Marin, she kept asking him painful questions, like how much of their furniture he was taking. With the girls turning eighteen in June, the custody issues would be simple. They didn't even need visitation schedules. The kids could visit whomever they wanted. It was all so agonizingly simple. She still looked shell-shocked as she worked with Douglas and Max the next day. Max had noticed immediately that she looked terrible, and asked her about it at the end of the day, as she stuffed papers back into her briefcase. She had been distracted all day.

“Do I want to know how your break went?” he asked gently. He had already guessed. She looked about the same as she had after Christmas, only slightly worse. He could guess the outcome.

“No, you don't.” And then she decided to tell him. “He's moving in with the other woman, after the girls graduate in June. He thinks they're getting married. Apparently, it was ‑meant to be.’; My very own real-life soap. How cheesy does it get? You have to ask yourself that question.”

“Life is cheesy,” Max said sympathetically. He noticed that she seemed angrier than she had in December. And underneath the anger, heartbroken. He could see it. “It's amazing how tacky life is sometimes, even among allegedly civilized people. I guess we all behave like shows about people in trailer parks sometimes, whether we want to or not. It's why those agony shows work so well on TV.”

“I guess so,” she said, smiling wistfully at him. “I'll be okay. It just takes some adjustment.” He knew her kids were going to college at the end of the summer. She would be alone, which he suspected wouldn't be easy for her. Her family had been all she talked about all year. And now her husband was leaving. She was about to lose everyone she loved, in one way or another. And the husband, fool that he was, in Max's opinion, was going off with her best friend. Max couldn't help agreeing with her. It was tacky. And sad for her. He felt genuinely sorry for her.

“Sometimes the worst shit that happens to us turns out to be a blessing. We just don't see it at the time. One day you may look back and feel that way. On the other hand, one day you may look back and decide that this time in your life was truly fucked.” She smiled in spite of herself at what he said.

“I think that might be the case. I'm not enjoying this much.”

“At least we know you're sane. I think the only decent advice I have for you is that your salvation will be work. Mine has always been. When the love of my life died of breast cancer, the only thing that saved my ass and kept me sane was work. It's the only way to go.” Tanya nodded. She hadn't thought of that. She'd been thinking about their summer plans and what it would be like to go to Tahoe without Peter, after they told the girls the news, of course. And she had thought about taking them to college. They had gotten their college acceptances while she was home on vacation. The excitement of it had been totally obscured for her by her broken heart. At least the girls had been thrilled. Both girls had gotten into their first-choice schools. Megan was going to UCSB with her brother, and Molly was going to film school at USC. But Tanya had absolutely no idea what she would do after they left. She had thought she would finally have the chance to spend more time with Peter, but he would be doing that with Alice now. Tanya felt like a marble in a shoebox, rolling around aimlessly, with no anchor to keep her in place. All her anchors were about to leave. It was a terrifying thought. Max was right. The only thing she had left was work, and holidays with her kids.

She went home every weekend during postproduction. Their schedule was far more civilized now. She did her best to avoid Peter, who was spending a lot of time next door with Alice. And the girls asked her no questions. It was as though there were a minefield all around them and they knew it, and were being careful not to set anything off. She wondered what they thought. They would all know soon enough. She was dreading telling them and Jason in June. In the meantime she kept to herself, spent time with the girls on the weekends, and started writing extremely depressing short stories at night, an unusual number of them about death. In a sense, their marriage had died, and the only way she knew to mourn it was to write about it. Peter saw one of them on her computer one afternoon, read it, and cringed. She was in a very bleak state of mind.

Douglas met with her in the last week of postproduction in May and made an interesting suggestion. They had had easy dinners several times, to discuss work. He had invited her to his pool again, but she was gone every weekend save one, and that weekend she didn't accept either. She was too depressed. He was planning to produce another movie, with a different director this time, a well-known woman, who had also won many Oscars. It was an extremely depressing story about a woman who committed suicide, and he wanted Tanya to do the script. It suited her mood at the moment, but she had no desire to come back to L.A. In her heart of hearts, she thought her marriage had ended as a result of her working there on the film. It had left a bad taste in her mouth. All she wanted now was to go back to Marin. She told Douglas that over dinner, and he laughed.

“Oh, not that again, Tanya. For God's sake, you don't belong there. Go write short stories there for a while, and come back. Your days in Marin are over, or should be. You wrote a hell of a screenplay on this one, it might even win you an Oscar. And if it doesn't, the next one will. You can't escape your fate. Your husband will get over it. He made it through this year,” he said confidently. “He'll make it through the next.”

“Actually, he didn't,” Tanya said quietly. “We're getting divorced.” For once, Douglas looked stunned.

“You? The perfect wife? I can't believe it. When did that happen? You said you were having some problems after Christmas. I just assumed everything worked out. I have to admit I'm shocked.”

“Me too.” Tanya said, looking devastated. “He told me in March. He's moving in with my best friend.”

“How trite. See what I mean?” Douglas didn't miss a beat. “You don't belong there. People in Marin show no imagination. I want to start shooting this picture in October. Give it some thought. I'll call your agent and make a proposal.” Douglas was even nicer than usual to her after that and called her agent. Walt called her the next day, stunned over the money. They had offered her even more than before. Douglas wanted her on the picture, no matter what. But she was adamant. She had done L.A. and had no desire to come back. She didn't mind the work, but the fallout had broken her heart. She wanted to go home now and lick her wounds.

“You have to do this, Tan,” her agent said. “You can't turn down a deal like that.”

“Yes, I can. I'm going home.” The trouble was, she had no real home to go to now. She had a house, but there would be no one in it. When she went back to Marin the following weekend, she thought about it and realized how agonizing the house would be without her children. Once the girls left for college in late August, with Peter gone, she'd be totally alone. For the first time in her life. She called Walt on Monday and told him to accept Douglas's deal. She had nothing else to do. She signed the deal the following week. And when she told him, Peter was smug about it.

“I told you you'd go back.” But it didn't make him right. She would never have gone back if he weren't leaving her for Alice. In a sense, he had driven her back to L.A. She talked to Max about it, and he congratulated her for the right decision, and she knew he was right. However much she hated Hollywood, once Peter and the girls were gone, she knew that work would save her life.

The rest of the summer was one nightmare after another. She finished postproduction in the last week of May and went home to Marin. The girls graduated a week later, with all the usual pomp and ceremony and tenderness. Peter had the good taste not to bring Alice to the graduation. And the next day they told the children they were getting divorced. Everyone cried, including Peter and Tanya. Megan said she was happy about Alice, though sorry for her mother. She actually put her arms around her and gave her a hug. Molly was crushed about the divorce, and Jason looked shocked, although he was close to James, Alice's son, and was happy about that. The kids were all upset about it, though not as much as Tanya would have thought. They all loved Alice, and although they were sorry for their mother, in some ways it made sense to them. They secretly thought Peter and Alice were a better match, although they didn't say that to their mother.

She told them she was making another movie in October, and none of them was surprised about that either. They asked about Tahoe, and she said she'd go with them. Peter and Alice were going to Maine that week, to visit relatives of hers. It was all very civilized and well organized, and the children had the option to visit whichever house they wanted, Tanya's or the one where their father would live with Alice. It was going to be an easier transition for them than it might have been if he had married someone else. And the day after they told them, Peter moved out, to the house Alice had bought in Mill Valley. She had already been there for a month. Hers next door was in escrow, and he said it had sold to a family they'd like, with kids the same age. All was right in their world, almost. It was a time of transition. Only Tanya looked as though her life had disintegrated and caved in. She could hardly wait to get back to work to keep her mind off everything else. She hated every aspect of her life now, except her children. She knew she wasn't much fun for them, she was too depressed. But she finally seemed more like her old self again when they went to Tahoe. In spite of everything that had happened that spring, when they got there, they all had fun. Even Tanya, who was already working on the new script at night. It was a depressing story, but she loved it, and it suited her black mood at the moment. Douglas called her about it from time to time. She faxed him pages, and he loved the direction she was going. He thought this one would win her an Oscar for sure, if not the last one. This one was called Gone.

Peter and Alice both came when they dropped Jason and Megan off in Santa Barbara in late August. Tanya went in her own car. It was the first time she had seen Alice in months, and it was painful, but she got through it. They never spoke to each other. Peter looked far more uncomfortable than Tanya felt.

They took Molly to USC the week after. Tanya loved the idea that Molly would be in L.A., since Tanya was going to be living in Bungalow 2 at the Beverly Hills Hotel again. She moved in the day she dropped Molly off at her dorm. Molly came over to have dinner with her at the bungalow that night. They ordered room service and giggled like two kids. The bungalow felt like home to Tanya now. Tanya was surprised she had survived the last five months, they had been the hardest of her life, since Peter told her he was leaving her. And yet as impossible to believe as it had seemed at the time, she had survived it. And now she could get lost in another movie. Work was the lifeline she clung to. It was the salvation Max had talked about. He was right.

She saw Douglas at his office the next day, to talk about the film. She met the female director he had raved about. Tanya liked her, too. They were exactly the same age and discovered they had a lot in common. They had gone to UC Berkeley at the same time, although they had never met. Tanya was going to enjoy working with her. She felt like a pro now, after the previous year of her innocence. This was going to be a hard picture to shoot, but a lot of fun to write.

After the meeting, Douglas invited them both to lunch at Spago, and he drove Tanya back to the hotel afteward and asked her what she thought.

“I think she's a very interesting woman,” Tanya said honestly. “She's incredibly bright.” She wondered if Douglas had the hots for her, she was very attractive, but she didn't want to ask. It was none of her business, and he was discreet about the women he went out with. She knew he liked important women, who looked good on his arm. Trophies of sorts, though not the usual kind. He liked women with bright minds. Adele Michaels certainly fit that bill. They talked about her all the way back to the hotel.

“I'm glad you like her,” Douglas said comfortably. “How was your summer, by the way? I never asked.”

“Interesting,” she said honestly. She was more at ease with him than she'd been the year before. Everything had been new then, and she had felt intimidated by him. He was impressive certainly, but he didn't scare her anymore. They were almost like old friends. “Peter moved out. And in with his new girlfriend. The girls left for college. My nest is empty finally. Everybody flew the coop, including Peter and me.” She smiled ruefully, thinking of how times had changed in the last year. Now she was back here again. And Bungalow 2 was her home, for the making of another film. “I guess you were right. My days in Marin are over, for now anyway.” And possibly for good.

“That's a good thing,” he said confidently. “I could never see you there.” It had been perfect for her for twenty years, and for her family. Now she had to find her way and make a new life for herself. She was still adjusting to the concept. It still seemed shocking to her at times. “How about a day at the pool again this Sunday? Same rules apply. Conversation not required. We can both relax.” She knew life would get crazy on the new picture soon, and it sounded appealing. She had enjoyed it before, particularly when he played the piano. She hoped he would again.

“I'll try not to snore this time,” she laughed. “Thanks for the invitation.”

“Eleven o'clock Sunday. And sushi one of these nights. Maybe next week, before the insanity begins.” They had preproduction meetings coming up. Tanya was looking forward to them now that she had met Adele. It was going to be fun working with her.

She waved as Douglas drove away in his new Bentley, and then she went back to the bungalow. She worked on the script all afternoon, inspired by their meeting, and sat at her computer late into the night. She tried not to think of Peter when she finished work. It was odd being back in the bungalow, and no longer his wife. They had filed the divorce in June, it would be final in December. Twenty years gone, except for the kids, and a house she no longer wanted to go home to. He belonged to Alice now. And the bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel felt more like home. It was strange how life changed. And sad.

Tanya saw Molly on Saturday afternoon and took her out to dinner. Afterward she took her back to her dorm. They had had a nice time, and talked to Megan and Jason on Tanya's cell phone. It was nice knowing they were all close by, particularly Molly, whom she felt so close to. They had talked about the divorce over dinner. Molly admitted that she was still shocked about her father moving in with Alice and leaving her mother. It was hard to explain or understand. Molly told her mother she had to move on, no matter how hard it was. She asked her mother if she had any interest in dating, and Tanya told her honestly that she didn't. She couldn't even imagine going out or, worse yet, sleeping with someone else. She had been involved with Peter for twenty-two years in all. It seemed unthinkable to her to go out with another man.

“You'll have to one of these days, Mom,” Molly encouraged her.

“I'm not worried about it. I'd rather work.” After that they discussed the hot boys at USC. Molly had already met two she liked.

And after Tanya went back to the hotel, she lay in her bed that night, thinking about her conversation with Molly. The prospect of dating anyone seemed horrifying. Even though Peter was living with someone else, she still felt like his wife. She couldn't conceive of being involved with someone else. She had no desire to date anyone. All she wanted was to see her kids and work on the new film. As for dating, she told herself, maybe one day, but surely not yet. And maybe never.

The following morning, Tanya took a cab to Douglas's house, for their promised quiet Sunday at his pool. He was as hospitable as he had been before, the day was as relaxed, the weather was even more beautiful, and this time when he served her lunch, they chatted for a few minutes about the new picture, and then went on to other subjects. She managed not to sleep this time and swam in the pool. It was an easy, pleasant day. As tense as he was sometimes, on the set and in production meetings, she was surprised again by how easygoing he was at home, particularly on lazy Sundays at his pool.

“How are you doing with all these changes in your life?” he asked her in the early afternoon, as they sat in lounge chairs side by side. He was good company and had given her several words for the New York Times crossword puzzle. She was impressed by how proficient he was at it. He knew it had to be a big adjustment for her to be getting divorced, and an enormous disappointment after how staunchly she had defended her marriage. He had never expected it to happen to her, and he suspected she had expected it even less. He had no real idea what had happened, but he was sure it had been a major heartbreak for her. She looked thin to him, and sad sometimes, but she seemed to be doing remarkably well, and he admired her for it. He had invited her to the pool that day to cheer her up.

“Honestly?” she said, answering him. “I don't even know. I think I'm in shock. A year ago I thought I was happily married, with the most wonderful husband in the world. Nine months ago I discovered that he had cheated on me. Six months ago he told me he wanted a divorce to live with what was previously my best friend, and the woman he cheated on me with. And three months from now I'll be divorced. My head is spinning,” she said to Douglas as he nodded. It was quite a recital. The disintegration of her marriage had moved with the speed of sound. It seemed dizzying even to him and must have been agonizing for her.

“It's pretty amazing,” he agreed, “but you look like you're doing all right. Are you?” he asked with a look of concern. Sometimes, he could be a very nice man, especially on home turf. Out in the world, at a conference table or on a movie set, he could be tough as nails.

“I think I am. I'm not sure what the operating standard is here. How nuts am I supposed to feel? Because sometimes I feel pretty nuts. I wake up and think I dreamed it, and then the wrecking ball hits my gut again, and I remember that it's real. It's a pretty nasty way to wake up.”

“I've had times like that myself,” he confessed. “We all do. The trick is to get through them with a minimum of bitterness and damage. That's not as easy as it sounds. I'm still bitter about some of the bad experiences in my life, and scared to death as a result. I imagine you must feel the same. It sounds like all of it came as a big surprise.”

“It did. I thought I was happily married. Shows what I know. Don't ever ask me for relationship advice. I still think my husband …my ex-husband,” she said with effort, “went a little nuts. Not to mention my best friend, who demonstrated a total lack of integrity. As you put it, it was very disappointing.”

“Have you been out with anyone since?” He was always curious about her, and intrigued. He loved how bright she was. And how well she wrote.

She laughed. “That would be like asking Hiroshima survivors if they've been to any good bombings lately. I'm not exactly anxious to try again. This may have cured me forever. My daughter was telling me last night that I need to start dating. I don't think so,” she said, staring at the pool and looking dazed, thinking back over the past few months. It was mind-blowing when she really thought about it. She tried not to most of the time. “At my age I don't need to get married again. I don't want more kids. And I'm not even sure I want to date. In fact, I'm almost positive I don't. I don't want to take the risk of getting my heart broken again. What's the point?”