Capturing Peace

Chapter Twelve

Coen—­November 5, 2010

HUDSON AND I stood back behind Saco for almost an hour after everyone had left the cemetery. The ser­vice had been short, and painfully heartbreaking, but nothing could compare as we watched the world’s smallest coffin be lowered into the ground.

There was nothing like it. No words to describe it.

Olivia screaming that Brody was a murderer had only served to have her hauled off by her father, and to have Brody collapse on himself as grief consumed him.

Never in my life had I wanted to hit a woman until that moment.

Stepping forward, I put a hand on Saco’s shoulder, and waited to see if he would respond. He didn’t. He stood there, still as stone, staring at the fresh mound of dirt.

“This wasn’t your fault,” I told him a few minutes later. “There’s nothing you could have—­”

“Don’t let them go,” Saco mumbled. “They could be gone tomorrow. Be with them, enjoy them, love them while they’re here.”

I nodded but didn’t respond. I didn’t want to talk about Reagan and Parker with him now, not when we were staring at his son’s grave. I didn’t want to talk about what I’d thrown away, and was trying so hard to get back, when the person he loved most in the world was gone.

Instead, I took a step back, knowing he wasn’t ready to leave this place yet. Glancing at Hudson, he gave me a look and I nodded. We’d have to take Saco from here soon, or he’d drive himself crazy. He needed to keep grieving, but he needed to do it away from where he looked like he was about to lie down and never leave.

I’d called Reagan at least a dozen times a day every day since I’d shown up at Hudson’s place, but she’d never once picked up. Hudson had even let me use his phone, but she’d hung up the second she heard my voice. And every time, I felt like I was closer and closer to losing them for good.

After I told Hudson about the call from Saco and the story about my client’s relationship, and how those conversations had started the worries and insecurities that had snowballed out of control into what went down in Reagan’s apartment, he’d understood. He’d punched me again the second we got out of the airport in Oregon, but he’d understood. He knew I’d made a mistake, and he knew I’d do anything to get them back. But there was only so much I could do while I was a ­couple states away, and right now, Hudson and I needed to be there for our brother.

Reagan—­November 7, 2010

MY BODY STIFFENED when I felt my phone start vibrating in my back pocket. Looking over to where Parker was playing with my dad, I pulled the phone out and locked my jaw when Coen’s name, and a picture of the two of us flashed on the screen.

I sat there staring at the screen until the voice mail finally picked up, and a deep sense of longing filled me—­as it did every time he called.

“Are you ever going to answer that boy’s calls?”

My head jerked up to where my mom was staring at me from across the table, and my brow furrowed. “Ever? Don’t say that like it’s been years or something. It hasn’t even been a week.”

“That doesn’t answer my question, sweetheart. He’s called you five times since you got here this morning, and I know that’s not unusual for him right now.”

She was counting? Pressing down the lock button, I held it until I could turn my phone off. Parker was here, I was with my parents, and Keegan was with . . . well, he was with friends. No one would need to get in touch with me who couldn’t wait.

“Reagan,” Mom prompted.

“No, Mom, I don’t think I will ever answer his calls.”

The disappointment was clear on her face and in her tone. “He said he needed time to think. He said he needed some space. To me, that’s not even asking for a break, maybe he just wanted to be alone for a little while, and you took it the wrong way.”

I raised my eyebrows and brought my hand up to point at myself, but didn’t make it all the way before pointing at my phone instead. My jaw shook as I whispered, “I took it the wrong way?” Clearing my throat, I straightened in the chair and shook my head. “No, I didn’t take anything the wrong way. Those were some of the words he said, but his meaning was crystal clear.”

“Reagan, you push men away, it’s what you do.”

“I pushed him, and he pushed right back. I stopped pushing him months ago. I did not want him to leave, Mom. You have no idea how much it destroyed me to watch him walk away from us.”

She leaned forward and extended her arm on the table toward me. “But he’s calling. He’s calling all the time. That doesn’t sound like a man who doesn’t want you.”

Neither did his voice mails. “He walked away once, Mom. That’s all I need to know.”

“Reagan. You tried walking away in the beginning too.”

An agitated huff blew past my lips and I rolled my eyes. “To protect my son. Not because I didn’t want a relationship.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Whose side are you on, Mom?”

“Parker’s,” she said without missing a beat. “I’m on Parker’s. I want the world for you, Reagan, but you’re being childish. I had my reservations about Coen in the beginning, but he is the best thing to ever happen to you and my grandson. And, yes, he made a mistake, but he’s trying to come back, and you’re stopping him. You’re stopping my grandson from having the father he deserves.”

“If Austin had tried coming back, would you have wanted me to give him another chance?”

My mom scoffed. “Of course not. But he didn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved, and he did not love Parker. Coen claimed Parker as his son without a second thought, and without realizing it, the day Parker was rushed to the ER. Even when we mentioned it to him, he still didn’t catch it for a few seconds. That is why I know he deserves another chance.”

I sat there in shock for a few moments before I was able to compose myself. And just when I started to ask my mom what exactly had happened, Coen’s words drifted through my mind. “I’m not your husband, he’s not my fucking child. It is not my job to take care of you!” Looking at my son smiling as he played on the floor—­completely oblivious to everything happening around him—­I shook my head sadly as a few tears slipped down my cheeks. “You must’ve been mistaken.”

Coen—­November 10, 2010

IT’D BEEN ALMOST a week and a half since I’d walked out of Reagan’s apartment, and even though I still called at least twelve times a day, she wasn’t talking to me.

Hudson and I had come home from Oregon late Sunday night because Hudson had to be at work again on Monday, and even with trying to catch Reagan at her apartment, I hadn’t seen her either. Now I was outside the building she worked in, parked next to her car, and was waiting for her to walk outside at any moment.

The second she walked outside I stepped out of my car and waited for her to see me. Her hazel eyes briefly glossed over me before doing a double take, and she froze on the middle of the sidewalk. With a step back, she froze again, and I watched as her chest started rising and falling roughly.

I knew she needed to get to her car. She needed to go get Parker from school, so she couldn’t just avoid me, and it was clear in her eyes. She wanted to run, but she knew she couldn’t.

Walking to where she still hadn’t moved from, I stopped in front of her and looked into her lifeless eyes. “Please talk to me. You’ve been avoiding me for over a week, and there’s so much I need to say.”

She didn’t respond. Her face had no emotion, just like her eyes. And it was killing me to know I’d made her look like that.

“I was wrong to say what I said, I was wrong to try to make you think you were the problem. I was freaking out and—­” I cut off when she quickly tried to walk around me, and I caught hold of her arm. “Reagan, please! I’m sorry, I know I fucked up. I know that. I got scared for a split second, that doesn’t mean you should just shut me out.”

She turned on me, and I hated that instead of sadness or anger, I saw pity in her eyes. “Me shut you out? You ran from us, Coen, what do you expect from me?”

I nodded and let go of her to run my hands roughly over my head. “For a second. I ran for a goddamn second. I love you, Reagan. I love Parker. Don’t take the two of you from me.”

Biting down on her bottom lip, she shook her head slowly as she began turning back around. “You did that all by yourself.”

“Reagan, I am right here, and I am begging you not to do this. Just talk to me about what happened, let me explain, and for Christ’s sake, stop acting like you don’t care.”

“It’s not that I don’t care, I’m protecting him,” she ground out as she kept walking.

“I thought we were done with that bullshit. I thought we were done with you pushing me away because you’re scared of what could happen in the future.”

She didn’t stop walking, and she didn’t look back at me.

“Reagan, talk to me!”

“You’re right,” she said, and suddenly whirled on me. “We are done with all that bullshit. We were done with it the day you told me you couldn’t promise me a forever.”

“Babe—­”

“You were right about that too, Coen.” Straightening her back, she hardened her hazel eyes at me. “You couldn’t promise me a forever any more than I could promise you one. And I’m not taking us away from you because I’m scared you’ll run. You already fucking ran, Coen. You already ran, and now you’re regretting it because you lost the one thing that could silence your demons.”

My body went rigid and my eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

She huffed a sad laugh, and that look of pity deepened. “I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. I was so consumed in everything you are—­and so blinded by the bullshit you fed me—­that I never really noticed why you fought so hard for us. It wasn’t because you loved Parker. It wasn’t because you loved me. It was because I chased away what you can’t escape in here,” she said, and touched my temple with her fingers. “It was because I was a means to forget about all that for a little while.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“You told me—­”

“I know what I fucking said, Ray! And it’s true—­you do silence them. But that is not why I fought for us. You completely captivated me because of what being near you can do to me, but I fought for us because I fucking loved you. I’ve always loved you. I want to marry you, I want to adopt Parker so I can legally be his dad, I want to give you as much of a forever as I have.”

She shook her head sadly and stepped away from me. “And there you go trying to blind me with your words again. You’re an artist, Coen, through and through. What you see of the world through your camera, and the words that come from your mouth. But I’m not buying it anymore. I’m done letting you use us so you can have a few moments of peace from your fucked-­up mind.”

My head jerked back and mouth opened, but nothing came out.

“The demons in there?” she said after taking a ­couple steps away. “They’re ruining you. You’ve allowed them so much freedom that they now control your life. And you may not be able to see it, Coen, but I can. Because of them . . . you’re toxic. I can’t have someone like you in my son’s life.”

I stumbled back a step like she’d hit me, and watched her get in her car and drive away as my legs threatened to give out beneath me.

My entire world was being ripped away from me, and once again, I was the only one to blame.