Changes

Peter looked hurt. “I tried.”

“I know you did. But you're not a Mommy.” She leaned over and kissed him, and they sped off the lift at the top of the mountain. It was nice having time to talk to her husband. They had too little of it in L.A., and they were both always exhausted. But here, even in a few hours, she felt as though they had made contact again. And she glanced back once or twice as they skied down the slopes, to make sure that the others were all there. She recognized them all by their color combinations and their outfits. Jessica and Val in matching yellow ski suits, Mark in black and red, Pam in red from head to toe, and Matthew in royal blue and yellow. She had worn a fur jacket and hat and black ski pants, and Peter was entirely clad in a navy stretch suit. They were a colorful bunch.

Toward the end of the afternoon, they all went inside for cups of hot chocolate, and then they went back out to the slopes. And this time the young people took a different trail from Mel and Peter, but by then Mel was confident that they were all good skiers and could take care of themselves, even Matthew, and she knew that Jessie would keep an eye on him, if Pam didn't. It was heavenly skiing beside Peter in the crisp mountain air, and on their last run they raced each other down the trail. Peter won by several yards and Mel was breathless and laughing when she joined him at last.

“You're terrific!” She gazed at him with admiration. He seemed able to tackle anything he wanted, and to do it well.

“Not anymore. I was on the ski team in college, but it's been years since I took it seriously.”

“I'm glad I only met you now. I could never have kept up.”

“You're not bad.” He smiled and swatted her behind with a leather glove, and she giggled and they kissed, and then they left the slopes and took off their skis, and waited for the kids at the bottom. It seemed a long wait, but eventually, they all came down. First Mark, then Jess, Pam, Matt, and Val in the rear this time. She seemed much slower than the others, and Jess turned back several times to watch her, as Mel narrowed her eyes and watched them.

“Is she all right?”

“Who?” He had been watching Matt. The boy was making amazing progress.

“Val.”

“Right behind Mark?” He couldn't see the color of her hair in the white woolly hat, and he had mistaken Jess for her sister.

“No, she's the last one, still a little ways up, in the same suit as Jess.” He looked and they both saw that she faltered once or twice, stumbled, caught herself, and then continued downhill, narrowly missing two skiers and flying between them. “Peter …” Instinctively Mel grabbed his arm as they watched. “Something's wrong.” But almost as she said it, Val seemed to loop crazily for a moment, regain her balance, and then she began weaving as all of them watched, and suddenly she fell just before the end of the slope, she fell sideways and her bindings released, but she lay facedown in the snow, as Mel rushed to where she lay and Peter followed. He knelt quickly beside the unconscious girl, pulled her eyelids up, looked at her eyes, felt her pulse, and looked at Mel, unable to comprehend what had happened to her.

“She's in shock.” Without saying more, he unzipped his jacket and put it on her, and by reflex Jess did the same and handed hers to Peter, as the others stared at her in disbelief and Jess knelt beside her and held her hand. Peter looked around the group, hoping that the ski patrol would see them soon. “Does anyone know what happened? Did she have a bad fall, hit her head? Could she have broken something? Even a bad sprain?” Mark was strangely silent and Pam shook her head as Matt began to cry and clung to Mel. And then suddenly Mel gave a shout as she watched her daughter's inert form, there was a huge red stain spreading up from where her trouser legs met, and even the snow around her was red.

“Peter, oh my God….” She pulled off her gloves and touched Val's face, it was like ice, but it was a cold that came from within.

Peter looked at his wife and then down at his stepdaughter. “She's having a hemorrhage.” And mercifully at that moment the ski patrol arrived, and two powerful young men wearing red and white arm bands knelt beside Peter.

“Bad fall?”

“No, I'm a doctor. She's having a hemorrhage. How fast can you get a stretcher for her?” One of them pulled out a small walkie-talkie and gave a red alert and their exact location.

“It should be here pretty quickly.” And almost before he had finished speaking, a stretcher on a sled appeared in the distance, with two men skiing with it. Mel was kneeling beside Val, her own jacket on top of the unconscious girl now, and she could see that in spite of their efforts her lips were turning blue, and Mel eyed Peter frantically.

“Can't you do anything?” They were eyes filled with tears and accusations, and he looked at Mel almost with desperation. If they lost her, Mel would never forgive him. But he was absolutely helpless.

“We have to stop the bleeding, and get her a transfusion as quickly as we can.” He turned to the boy from the ski patrol then. “How close is the nearest first-aid station?” The patrolman pointed to the very foot of the hill. It was barely more than a minute from where they stood. “Have you got plasma?”

“Yes, sir.” Val was already on the sled, and she had left a huge puddle of blood in the snow behind her, as the whole family followed the sled to the little shelter.

Peter turned to Mel again. “What's her blood type?”

“O, positive.”

Jessie was crying softly by then, as was Pam, and Mark looked as though he would be the next one in need of the sled. They unloaded Val as quickly as they could and carried her inside. There was a trained nurse there, and a doctor had been called. He was out on the slopes, bringing down a man with a broken leg, but Peter quickly propped Val's hips higher than her head, and the nurse helped him pull off her clothes as the others stood by. They began the plasma and an I.V., but Val showed no sign of coming around, and Mel's face was grim and filled with terror.

“My God, Peter …” There seemed to be blood everywhere and she turned to Jess suddenly, remembering Matthew, staring wide-eyed at his stepsister. “Pam, take your brother outside.” She nodded dumbly and left as Mark and Jessica stood by, clinging to each other with a viselike grip, as Peter and the nurse fought to save Val's life and Mel watched.

The doctor arrived only minutes later, and added his efforts to Peter's. An ambulance had been called, and they had to get her to the hospital at once, it was obviously a gynecological hemorrhage, but there was no way of knowing how it had started or why.

“Does anyone know …” The doctor began, and Mark stunned them all by stepping forward and speaking in a trembling voice.

“She had an abortion on Tuesday.”

“She what?” Mel felt the room spin around her as she stared at Mark and then Peter, and he caught her just before she fell. The nurse brought smelling salts, and the doctor continued to work on Val. But it was obvious that only surgery would stop the bleeding, and even that wasn't sure now. She had lost massive amounts of blood, and Peter looked at his son in horror.

“Who in God's name did this?”

Tears stood out in Mark's eyes and his voice trembled hideously as he faced his father. “We didn't want to go to anyone you knew, and that ruled out just about everyone in L.A. Val wanted to go to a clinic. We went to one in West L.A.”

“Oh, for chrissake … do you realize they may have killed her?” Peter was shouting in the tiny room and Mel began to sob as Jess clung to her mother.

“She's going to die … oh my God … she's going to die …” Jessica had totally lost control at the sight of her dying twin, and it brought Mel to her senses to see what was happening around her.

She spoke to Jess in a brutal voice, and hers was the only voice one heard in the tiny shelter. “She's not going to die, do you hear me? She's not going to die!” She said it as much to God as to those in the shelter. And she glanced from Mark to Jess in sudden fury. “Why in hell didn't any of you tell me?” There was only silence as she looked at Mark. It would have been too much to expect of them, to tell her, and then she turned to Jess. “And you! You knew!” It was a vicious accusation.

“I guessed. They never told me.” But her tone was as filled with fury as her mother's. “And what difference would it have made if we had told you? You're always too fucking busy with your job and your husband, and Pam and Matt. You might as well have left us in New York, you might as well—” But she was silenced by a sharp crack across the face from her mother which sent her sobbing into the corner as the shriek of the ambulance suddenly echoed in the distance, and a moment later they were busy bundling Val into it, with two attendants and Mel beside her.

Peter spoke quickly to his wife. “I'll follow you in the van.” He ran outside, leaving all their skis at the shelter. They could come back later, that was the least of their problems now. He started the engine, and the others silently hopped in. Jess and Mark beside him in the front, and Pam and Matthew in the back, and no one said a word as they drove to the hospital in Truckee. It was Peter who first broke the silence.

“You should have told me, Mark.” It was a quiet voice in the silent car, and he could only begin to imagine what his son was going through.

“I know. Dad, will she make it?” His voice trembled and there were tears pouring down his face.

“I think so, if they get her there quickly. She's lost a lot of blood, but the plasma will help.” Jessica sat between them in stony silence, the mark of her mother's hand still on her face, and then Peter looked down at her, and touched her knee with one hand. “She'll be all right, Jess. It looks worse than it is. It's impressive as hell when you see a lot of blood like that.” Jessica nodded and said nothing. And when they reached the hospital in Truckee, they all piled out of the car, but the young people got no farther than the waiting room. Peter and Mel went inside with Val while they prepped her, and Peter opted not to scrub and watch the surgery so he could stay with Mel while they waited. A gynecological surgeon had been called, and Peter assumed he knew what he was doing. They were told only that she was in grave danger, and that there was a possibility that a hysterectomy would have to be performed. They wouldn't know till they got inside, how bad the damage was. Mel nodded dumbly and Peter led her outside to wait with the others. She stayed noticeably away from Mark, and Jess kept her distance from her, and after a while, Peter went to his older son and gave him twenty dollars and told him to take the others to the cafeteria and get something to eat. Mark nodded and left, with the rest of the group in tow, but none of them were hungry. All they could think of was Val, on the operating-room table. And when they were gone, Mel turned to Peter with tears streaming from her eyes and sank into his chest with a wail of despair. It was a scene he saw every day in the halls of Center City, but now it was happening to them … to Mel… to Val, and he had the same feeling he had had when Anne had died, of being utterly helpless. At least now he could help Mel. He held her tight in his arms, and made soft soothing noises.

“She'll be all right, Mel … she'll be—”

“What if she can never have babies?” Mel was sobbing uncontrollably in his arms.

“Then at least she'll be alive and we'll have her.” That would be something to be grateful for at least.

“Why didn't she tell me?”

“They were afraid to, I guess. They wanted to work it out for themselves.” It had been admirable but foolish.

“But she's only sixteen.”

“I know, Mel … I know …” He had suspected a while before that she and Mark had finally made love, but he hadn't wanted to say anything to upset Mel. And he realized now that he should have had a talk with Mark. He sat thinking about it all as they came back from the cafeteria and Mark slowly approached Mel and his father. Mel looked up at him miserably and continued to cry and Mark sat down and looked at her, in as much pain as she.

“I don't know what to say … I'm sorry … I … I never thought … I would never have let her …” He bowed his head in lonely grief as the sobs racked him, and Peter's heart went out to him as he took him in his arms with Mel, and suddenly Mel and Mark were clinging to each other and crying, and then Jessica was there too, and Pam and Matthew. It was a hideous scene, and the doctor came out and looked at them with a groan. Peter saw him first and disengaged himself from the others. He went to speak to the surgeon quietly, as Mel watched with terrified eyes.

“How did it go?”

The surgeon nodded, and Mel held her breath. “She was lucky. We didn't have to remove her uterus. She just had a monstrous hemorrhage, but there's no permanent damage. I wouldn't suggest she try an abortion again though.” Peter nodded. Hopefully not.

“Thank you.” He extended a hand, and the two surgeons shook hands.

“I was told you're a doctor.”

“I am. Cardiac surgery. We're from L.A.” The other surgeon narrowed his eyes, clapped a hand to his head and grinned.

“Oh shit. I know who you are. You're Hallam!” He was so excited he could hardly stand it. And then he laughed. “I'm glad I didn't know that before we went in. I'd have been a nervous wreck.”

“You shouldn't. I couldn't have done what you just did.”

“Well, I'm glad to have helped.” He shook Peter's hand again. “Honored.” Peter knew then that there would be no bill, and he was sorry, the man had done a fine job and he had saved Val's life and the lives of her future children, and maybe even Mark's. He wondered if this would end the romance now, or if it would pull them together closer. It had certainly pulled the family together in the last hour, and as they sat and waited for Val to come out of the anesthetic, they began to come alive again. They talked and joked a little, but the atmosphere was generally subdued. It had been a heavy dose of reality for them all to live through. And before Val ever woke up, he took Pam and Matthew back to the condo. Mark and Jess had insisted on staying with Mel, and they wanted to see Val, but the other two looked worse than Val by then. Peter had insisted on taking them home no matter how much they protested.

“We want to see Val,” Matthew whined.

“They won't let you, and it's late, Matt.” His father was gentle but firm. “You'll see her tomorrow, if it's allowed.”

“I want to see her tonight.” Peter led him outside and Pam followed with a last look at the others, and when Peter returned Val had just woken up and was back in her room, but she was too groggy to understand what they said to her. She just smiled and drifted off and when she saw Mark, she reached for his hand and whispered, “I'm sorry … I …” And then she went back to sleep, and an hour later they all left and went back to the condo. It was almost midnight and everyone was exhausted.

Mel kissed Jessie good night and held her close for a long moment before she went to bed, and Jessica looked at her mother with sad eyes. “I'm sorry I said what I did.”

“Maybe some of it was true. Maybe I have been too busy with the others.”

“There are a lot of us now, and there's a lot on you. I know that, Mom …” Her voice drifted off, remembering another time, another place … when they didn't have to share her quite as much as they did now.

“That's no excuse, Jess. I'll try to do better from now on.” But how much better could she do? How many more hours were there in a day? How could she give each one what they needed, do her job, and even have time to breathe? She was a mother of five now, and the wife of an illustrious surgeon, not to mention coanchor-woman on a TV news show. It barely left her time to breathe. And her daughter had accused her of being more interested in her stepchildren than in her own. Maybe she was trying too hard to please them all. She kissed Mark good night too, and then fell into bed with Peter, but as tired as she was, she couldn't sleep. She lay awake for hours thinking of what Jess had said, and of Val lying in the snow covered with blood. Peter felt her shudder beside him.

“I'll never forgive myself for not knowing what was going on.”

“You can't know everything, Mel. They're almost grown-up people now.”

“That's not what you said today. You said they were as grown up as Matthew.”

“Maybe I was wrong.” It had shocked him to realize that his son had almost had a baby. But Mark had turned eighteen in August. In truth, he was a man. “I know they're young, and they're too young to be doing what they are, making love, and getting pregnant and having abortions, but it happens, Mel.” He sat up on one elbow and looked down at his wife. “They tried to work it out, you have to give them credit for that.” She wasn't ready to give them credit for a damn thing, nor herself.

“Some of what Jessie said was true, you know. I've been so involved with you, and Pam and Matthew, I haven't had much time for them.”

“You have five children now, and a job, and a bigger house to run, and me. Just how much can you expect of yourself, Mel?”

“More, I guess.” But she was exhausted at the thought.

“How much more can you do?”

“I don't know. But apparently I'm not doing enough, or this would never have happpened to Val. I should have seen what was going on. I should have known, without being told.”

“What do you want to do? Play policeman? Give up your job, so you can drive car pools?”

It wasn't a very appealing thought, and they both knew it, but a little while later Mel answered in a small voice. “That's what Anne did though, isn't it?”

“Yes, but you and she are different women, Mel. And I don't think she ever really felt fulfilled, if you want to know the truth. The difference is that you do. It makes you a happier person.” It was a nice thing to have said, and she turned to him with a smile as they lay in the dark, with only the moonlight outside, casting soft shadows on them.

“You know, you make me feel better, Peter. About a lot of things. Most of all myself.”

“I hope I do. You make me feel better about me. I always feel that you respect what I do.” He took a deep breath. “Anne never really approved of what I did.” He looked at Mel with a small smile. “She thought transplants were disgusting and wrong. Her mother had been a Christian Scientist, and she always had a basic distrust of the medical profession.”

“That must have been hard on you.” He had never told her before, and she was intrigued by the information.

“It was. I never fully felt I had her approval.”

“You have mine, you know, Peter.”

“I know that. And it means a lot to me. I think that was one of the first things I liked about you. I respected you, and I could feel that you respected me.” He smiled and kissed the tip of her nose. “And then I fell in love with your sexy legs and great ass, and here we are.”

She laughed softly in the darkness, amazed at how strange life was at times. Only hours before she had been hysterical, sure that she was about to lose her daughter, and now they were lying in the dark exchanging confidences and talking. But she realized something that she hadn't been aware of before. She and Peter had become friends over the past few months, best friends, and she had never been as close to anyone, woman or man. He had broken through the walls she had built over the years, and she hadn't even noticed. “I love you, Peter Hallam, much, much more than you know.” And with that, she yawned, and fell asleep in his arms, and when he looked down at her, he saw that she was smiling.

CHAPTER 29

Peter took Mark and Jess and Matthew home on Sunday night, and Mel stayed in Truckee with Val. They gave up the condo and she took a room in a motel, and walked to the hospital every day, and on Wednesday the doctor said she could fly home with her mother. Surprisingly, it was a nice time for both of them, and they talked to each other as they hadn't in years, about life, about boys, about Marie, about sex, about marriage and Peter, and Mel's life. And when they landed in Los Angeles on Wednesday night, Mel felt that she knew Val as she never had before. And she only wished that she had that kind of time with them more often, without having to go through the trauma that they had just endured.

Val seemed in pretty good shape mentally as well. She felt terrible about having done away with an unborn child, but she had decided that having a baby at sixteen would have ruined her life and Mel couldn't disagree with her. It would have changed her whole life, and forced her into a lasting relationship with Mark, which may not have been what she would want later. She had admitted to her mother that she was ready to let go of him for a while, and see other boys. The intensity of their relationship scared her, and she didn't want the same thing to happen again. Mel was pleased with her conclusions, and maybe it had been a costly lesson that would serve her well for the rest of her life. She would never be cavalier about birth control, or getting involved in a sexual relationship without giving it serious thought. But Mel was sorry that she had to go through such misery. She had described the abortion to Mel, and Mel was astounded by her courage, and she told her as much.

“I don't think I could have done it.”

“I didn't feel like I had a choice. And Mark was there.” She tried to shrug it off, but they both knew she never would. Mel had held her close and they had cried, as Val told her.

“I'm sorry, baby.”

“Me too, Mom … I'm so sorry …” She returned to L. A. contrite, and Mel noticed that night at dinner that she treated Mark more like a brother now, and he didn't seem to mind. There had already been a subtle change between them, and it was for the best. Peter had noticed it too, and mentioned it to Mel that night. “I know.” She nodded. “I think the big romance is over.”

“That's just as well.” Peter smiled tiredly. He had had a long day, and been in surgery for five hours that morning. He had come back to real life and a mountain of work waiting for him at Center City. “We can let him loose on the neighborhood now and wish him luck. I never realized what an agony it was to have daughters.” Even though he had done his share of worrying about Pam, but not in quite the same way as one worried about Val. It was that damn body of hers that worried one so. “It's a damn shame she's not ugly.”

Mel grinned. “Tell me about it. I've been getting gray hair over it for years.”

But by the next day she was back to getting gray hair in the newsroom. Paul Stevens had created all kinds of chaos while she was gone. She had called in sick for three days, and when she came back on Thursday morning, he had done everything he could to sabotage her. Fortunately, the producer knew what Stevens had in mind, and that he hated Mel with a passion, so he hadn't done any real damage. But it was depressing to hear the gossip he had circulated about her, and to hear the trouble he had tried to create, by claiming she was hailed as a royal bitch in New York, and everyone there had hated her guts, that she had screwed her way to the top, and any other bit of filth he could think of. Mel reported it all to Peter that night, and he was livid for her.

“Why, that little sonofabitch …” He had clenched a fist and Mel smiled tiredly at his reaction.

“He really is a bastard.”

“I'm sorry you have to go through that.”

“So am I. But there it is.”

“Why does he hate you so much?”

“Mainly, the difference in money, and also because he doesn't want to share the limelight. He hasn't had a coanchor in years and he doesn't want one. Neither have I, but I figure you have to adapt to the situation. I'd like nothing better than to get rid of him, but I figure that it's not worth the aggravation.”

“Too bad he doesn't figure the same thing.”

“Isn't that the truth.”

And on and on it went for the next month, so much so that Mel began to feel ill most of the time, she had headaches, and a knot in her stomach that never went away, and she began to dread going to the station. She did as many interviews as she could, just to get away, but nowadays she was also trying to spend more time with the girls, particularly the twins. Jessica's speech hadn't gone unheeded at the time of Val's abortion. She had accused her mother of being more interested in Peter's children than them and now Mel was trying to shift the balance. But she sensed that Pam seemed to feel put aside, and she noticed her ganging up on her with Mrs. Hahn whenever she could, and to alleviate that, Mel attempted to include Pam with the twins whenever possible, but it was difficult to keep everyone happy, and lately she had been feeling so lousy that it was difficult to meet their needs and hers too. And she was out shopping with Matt one day when she actually had to sit down and catch her breath. She was so dizzy and nauseous that she thought she was going to faint in Safeway. She made him promise not to tell his father, but he was so upset he told Jess, who immediately told Peter when he came home. He glanced thoughtfully at Mel over dinner and then questioned her about it that night.

“You sick, Mel?”

“No, why?” She turned away so he wouldn't see her face,

“I don't know. A little bird told me that you didn't feel so hot today.” He was looking worriedly at her when she turned around.

“And what did the little bird say?” She wanted to feel out how much Peter knew.

“That you almost fainted at the grocery store.” He pulled her down on the bed next to him and looked closely at her. “Is that true, Mel?”

“More or less.”

“What's wrong?”

She sighed and stared at the floor and then back at him. “That asshole Paul Stevens has been driving me crazy. I think I might have an ulcer, and I've been feeling lousy for the past few weeks.”

Peter looked at her unhappily. “Mel, will you promise me you'll have it checked out?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, but she didn't sound sure. “I really don't have time though.”

He grabbed her arm. “Make time then.” He had lost one wife, and couldn't bear the thought of losing another. “I mean it, Mel! Either that or I'll check you into the hospital myself.”

“Don't be silly. I just got dizzy.”

“Have you eaten?”

“Not in a while.”

“Then it might have been that. But I want you to check it out anyway.” And he noticed now that she had lost weight, her face was drawn and she looked pale. “You look like hell.”

“Gee, thanks.”

He leaned over and took her hand. “I'm just worried about you, Mel.” He pulled her close. “I love you so damn much. Now will you call tomorrow and have someone check you out?”

“Okay, okay.” And the next morning he gave her a list of names, of internists and specialists. “You want me to see all of them?” She looked horrified and he smiled.

“One or two will do. Why don't you start with Sam Jones, the internist, and let him figure out who else you should see.”

“Why don't you just check me into the Mayo Clinic for a week?” She was teasing but he was not amused. She looked even worse than she had the night before.

“I just might.”

“The hell you will.”

She made an appointment with Sam Jones for that afternoon. It would have been a four-week wait, except that when she told the nurse who she was, miraculously, they found a spot for her that day. She stopped in at two P.M., and she had to be at work by four, and Jones used every minute that he could, to take blood, do urine tests, go over her, take down a history, listen to her lungs, take her blood pressure. She felt as though he had touched and prodded every inch of her by the time he was through.

“Well, so far, you look all right to me. Tired maybe, but basically healthy. But let's see what all the lab tests say. Have you been feeling run-down for very long?” She told him all the symptoms she'd had, the queasiness, headaches, the pressure she was under at work, the move from New York, the change of jobs, Val's abortion, getting married, and adjusting to a whole new set of kids, while living with the ghost of Peter's late wife, in the house she still didn't feel at home in.

“Stop!” He fell back in his chair with a groan, clapping a hand to his head. “I'm beginning to feel queasy too. I think you've just given your own diagnosis, my friend. I don't think you needed me at all. You need six weeks on a sandy beach.”

She smiled at him. “I wish. But I told Peter all it was was nerves.”

“You may be right.” He offered her Valium, Librium, or sleeping pills and she declined them all. And when she saw Peter that night, she told him what Sam Jones had said.

“See, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just overworked.” They both knew that anyway, but he still wasn't convinced. He was inclined to be overly cautious about her, and Mel knew that.

“Let's see what the lab tests say.”

She rolled her eyes and went to put Matthew to bed. Pam was listening to her stereo, and the girls were doing homework in their room. Mark was out. The grapevine had told Mel a few days before that he had a new girl friend, a freshman at UCLA, and Val didn't seem bothered at all. There was a boy in her class she said was “really cute,” and Jessica had finally found someone she liked who had taken her out on two movie dates. All was well with all of them for once. She returned to Peter with a happy sigh. “All's quiet on the Western Front at least.” She reported on them all and he was pleased. Things were finally settling down after all, or so he thought. But neither of them was prepared for the news they got the next day.

Mel forgot to call Dr. Jones before she left for work, and there was a message for her to call him at home when she got in. Peter saw the message first and called Sam himself, but his old colleague and friend would say nothing at all to him. “Have your wife call me when she gets home, Pete.”

“For chrissake, Sam, what's wrong?” He was terrified but Jones would not relent, and Peter pounced on Mel the moment she walked through the door. “Call Jones!”

“Now? Why? I just walked in, can I at least hang up my coat?”

“For chrissake, Mel …”

“Jesus.” She looked at the worried look in his eyes, wondering what he wasn't telling her. “What's wrong?”

“I don't know. He won't tell me a thing.”

“Did you call him?” She looked annoyed.

He confessed. “Yes. But he wouldn't tell me anything.”

“Good.”

“For chrissake …”

“All right, all right.” She dialed the home number he had left, and Mrs. Jones went to get her husband. Peter hovered over Mel but she waved him away. She and the doctor went through the usual amenities before getting down to why he had called her.

“I didn't want to tell Peter before I told you.” He sounded serious and Mel held her breath. Maybe Peter was right. Maybe something awful was wrong with her. “You're pregnant, Mel, but I thought you'd like to tell him that yourself.” He was beaming at his end, but Mel was not at hers. She wore a glazed expression and Peter stared at her, convinced it was bad news. He sank slowly into a chair and waited until she hung up.

“Well?”

It was difficult to fend him off. He was just sitting there, watching.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing much.”

“Bullshit!” Peter leapt to his feet in the front hall. “I saw your face. Now are you going to tell me yourself or am I going to call him back?”

“He won't tell you a thing.”

“The hell he won't.” Peter was beginning to steam, and Mel felt as though she were in shock. She stared at him and stood up.

“Could we go in your study and talk?” He said not a word but followed her in and shut the door. She sat down again and stared at him. “I don't understand it.”

“Tell me what he said, and I'll try and explain it to you, Mel, but for God's sake tell me what's wrong.”

And this time, she smiled. He was expecting complicated results, but there was nothing complicated about what Jones had told her. The only thing complicated about it was what it was going to do to her life, “I'm pregnant.”

“You're what!" He stared at her in disbelief. “You're not.”

“lam.”

And suddenly he grinned. “Well, I'll be damned. You are?”

“I am.” She looked as though she'd just been run over by a train, and he came to her side and pulled her into his arms.

“That's the best news I've had in years.”

“It is?” She still looked shocked.

“Hell, yes.”

“For chrissake, Peter, that's all we need. We're already drowning in the responsibilities we have. And a baby? Now? I'm thirty-six years old, we have five children between the two of us …” She was horrified at the thought, and he looked crushed.

He tried to sound matter-of-fact as he asked, “Will you abort it?”

She stared into space remembering what Val had said about going to the abortion clinic with Mark.” I don't know. I don't know if I could.”

“Then there's no decision to be made, is there?”

“You make it sound awfully simple.” She stared at him unhappily. “But it isn't as simple as all that.”

“Sure it is. You have a maternity clause in your contract. You told me so.”

“Christ. I forgot.” And then she began to laugh as she remembered how amused she had been at that. And suddenly it all seemed very funny to her. She began to laugh and laugh and laugh and Peter kissed her cheek and took a bottle of champagne from the wet bar. He popped the cork, and poured a glass for each of them and toasted her.

“To us.” And then, “To our baby.”

She took a sip and set it down rapidly again. It made her queasy almost at once. “I can't.” She literally turned green before his eyes, and he set down his own glass and came to her.

“Sweetheart, are you all right?”

“I'm fine.” She smiled and leaned against him, still unable to believe the irony of it all. “I have daughters who are almost seventeen, and I'm pregnant. Would you believe …” She began to laugh again. “I can't even figure out how it happened, unless you put a hole in my diaphragm.”

“Who cares? Look at it as a gift.” He looked soberly at his wife. “Mel, I deal with death every day of the week. I fight it, I hate it, I try to outsmart it by putting plastic hearts in people's chests, pig's valves, and valves from sheep, I do transplants, I do anything I can to cheat that old boy Death always watching over me. And here you are, with a precious gift of life, given to us gratuitously. It would be criminal not to appreciate that.”

She nodded quietly, touched by what he had said. What right did she have to question such a gift? “What'll we tell the kids?”

“That we're having a baby, and we're thrilled. Hell, I thought you were sick.”

“So did I.” She smiled, feeling better again now that the champagne was far from her lips. “I'm glad I'm not.”

“Not half as glad as I am, Mel. I couldn't live without you.”

“Well, you won't even have to try.” And with that, Matthew came and pounded on the door to announce that it was dinnertime and before they went into the dining room to eat, Peter called them all into the living room and made a little speech.

“We have something exciting to tell you all.” Peter beamed and looked at Mel.

“We're going to Disneyland next week!” Matt filled in and everyone laughed and began to offer their best guess. Mark thought they were building a tennis court, Pam thought they were buying a yacht, the twins decided on a Rolls-Royce, and a trip to Honolulu, an idea of which everyone approved, and each time Peter shook his head.

“Nope. Not quite. Although Honolulu does sound nice. Maybe at Easter time. But we have something much more important to tell you than that.”

“Come on, Dad, what is it?” Matthew was dying to know, and Peter looked straight at him.

“We're having a baby, Matt.” And then he looked at them all, and Mel watched their faces too, but they were no more prepared for the reactions they got from the kids than they had been for the test results from Sam Jones.

“You're what?” Pam leapt to her feet, clearly horrified, and she stared at Mel in disbelief. “That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.” And with that she burst into tears and fled to her room, as Matthew looked at them with trembling lips.

“We don't need another kid around here. We've already got five.”

“But it might make a nice friend for you, Matt.” Peter looked at him as tears filled the child's eyes. “The others are so much older than you are.”

“I like it like that.” He followed his sister to his room, and Mel turned to her own children, to see Val dissolve in tears.

“Don't expect me to be pleased for you, Mom.” She stood up and her copious bosom heaved. “I just killed my baby two months ago, and now I suppose you expect me to be pleased about yours?” She ran from the room in tears, and Mark shrugged, but he didn't seem to think it was much of an idea either, and Jessica simply stared at them, looking stricken. It was as though she knew how much they already had on their backs, and couldn't understand how they could even consider taking on more. And the worst of it was that Mel thought she was right. She went upstairs with the excuse of checking on her twin and Mark disappeared too, and they sat alone in the living room, as Mel wiped tears from her own eyes.

“Well, so much for that.”

“They'll come around.” He put an arm around his wife, and looked up to see Hilda Hahn staring at them.

“The dinner is getting cold.” She looked fierce, and Mel stood up, obviously depressed. The children were all in an uproar at the prospect of another child, and she was still having problems at work. Somehow it all seemed like more than she could cope with right now, and they went in to dinner, as Mel felt her heart drag. And she looked up to see Mrs. Hahn staring at her.

“I couldn't help overhearing the news.” Her heavy German accent always grated on Mel's nerves, there was nothing warm or kindly about the way she spoke, unlike the other German women Mel had known. And she stared at Mel again now. “Isn't it dangerous to have a baby at your age?”

“Not at all”—Mel smiled sweetly—“I'm only fifty-two.” Knowing full well that Mrs. Hahn was fifty-one. And Peter smiled at her. Anything that Mel did now was okay with him. And he didn't give a damn how their kids behaved, he was thrilled and he wanted Mel to know it. But she couldn't eat dinner, all she could think of were the children and their reactions. She went up to see them, but all doors were closed and nowhere did she get a warm reception. When she came downstairs to their bedroom, Peter insisted that she lie down and she laughed at him. “I'm only about four or five weeks pregnant, for chrissake.”

“Never mind. You might as well start out right.”

“I think we did that in the living room about two hours ago.” She sighed as she lay on their bed. “That was some reception we got, wasn't it?” Their reactions had cut her to the quick, and left her feeling unprotected and unwanted and alone.

“Give them a chance. The only ones who really have grounds to be upset are Val and Matt, and I'm sure they'll both survive the shock.”

“Poor Matt.” Mel smiled thinking of him. “H e wants to be our baby, and I don't blame him a bit.”

“Maybe it'll be a girl.” Peter looked thrilled and Mel groaned.

“Not another one. We already have three.” She was already adjusting to the idea and the miracle of it seemed remarkable to her. They talked about it that night for hours, and he kissed her tenderly the next morning before he left. But when she went down to breakfast and saw Matt and Pam and the twins, she felt as though she had ventured into the enemy camp. She looked around at them and felt despair wash over her. They would never adjust.

“I'm sorry you all feel this way.” Val wouldn't look her in the face, and Jess looked intensely depressed, Matthew wouldn't touch anything on his plate, and when Mel looked into Pam's eyes she was terrified by what she saw there, it was hatred and fury mixed with terror. It was as though she had run away to a distant place in her head where Mel could no longer reach her.

Of all of them, Pam was by far the most upset. And Mel tried to talk to her about it that day when she came home from school, but when Mel went up to her room, she slammed the door in Mel's face, and locked the door. And even when Mel pounded on it, she wouldn't open it again.

Theirs became a house filled with grief, and hurt and anger. It was as though they each wanted to punish her, each in their own way, Mark by never being home, to his father's despair, the twins by keeping away from her and shutting her out, Matt by whining all the time and having trouble in school, and Pam by turning off and skipping school. They called Mel four times in as many weeks that Pam had disappeared before her second class, and when she questioned the child about it, she shrugged and went upstairs and locked her door. And her final act of viciousness was to hang her mother's portrait boldly over the bed in Mel and Peter's room. When Mel came home one day and saw it there, she gasped and stared.

“Did you see her do this?” she asked Mrs. Hahn, as she held the portrait of Anne in trembling hands.

“I see nothing, Mrs. Hallam.” But Mel knew that she had. And when they called Mel from Pam's school again to tell her that she had cut class again, she decided to stay home that day and wait for her to turn up. But by four o'clock she still had not. And this time Mel began to wonder if there was a boy involved. At five o'clock, she sauntered in with a grin on her face, amused that Mel had waited for her all day long, and when Mel took a good look at her, she could see that the girl was stoned. She sent her to her room after confronting her, then left for the newsroom. Later, she told Peter what she thought.

“I really doubt that, Mel. She's never done that before.”

“Take my word for it.” But he shook his head. He didn't believe his wife, and when he questioned Pam, she denied everything Mel said. Pam was beginning to cause a serious rift between them, and Mel felt she was losing her only ally now. Peter always took Pam's side against her. Her home was filled with enemies, and it wasn't even her home, and now Peter was on his daughter's side. “Peter, I know that she was stoned.”

“I just don't think she was.”

“I think you should talk to her school.” And when Mel attempted to discuss it with Val and Jess, they were distant but polite. They didn't want to get involved, nor did Mark. Mel was a pariah now, to all of them, because of the unborn child she was carrying. She had betrayed them.

And two weeks later when the L.A.P.D. called, it was an empty victory. She had been right. Pam had been caught buying a lid of grass from some kids downtown when she should have been in school. Peter went right through the roof and threatened to send her to boarding school, but again the child turned on Mel. “You turned him against me. You want me sent away.”

“I want no such thing. But I want you to behave, and I think it's about time you did, time you stopped cutting school every other day, and smoking grass, and behaving like a little beast around this house. This is your home and we love you, but you can't behave any way you want. In every society, in every community, in every home, there are rules.”

But as usual, Peter let Pam off the hook, put her on restriction for a week and let it go at that. He didn't back the position Mel took and two weeks later, Pam was picked up again. This time she got even more attention than before, and Peter called up her old shrink. A series of appointments were set up and he asked Mel if she could get Pam there. And the result of that was that Mel had to almost drag her there four times a week, break her neck to get to work, and run home again at night, trying to pay some attention to Matt and the twins. And all she wanted to do was sleep, between throwing up the heavy meals persistently prepared by Mrs. Hahn.

“This is what the doctor likes,” she'd say as she put another plate of sauerkraut in front of Mel, and finally after a month of it, she wound up in the hospital one Friday night with bleeding and cramps, and her obstetrician looked at her soberly.

“If you don't slow down, you're going to lose the baby, Mel.”

Tears filled her eyes. Everything was a fight these days. “I don't think anyone would give a damn.”

“Would you?”

She nodded her head, tired, sad. “Yeah. I'm beginning to think I would.”

“Then you better tell everyone around you to shape up.”

Peter came to see her the next day, and looked mournfully at her. “You don't really want the baby, do you, Mel?”

“Do you think I'm trying to get rid of it?”

“That's what Pam says. She says you went horseback riding last week.”

"What? Are you crazy? Do you think I'd do that?”

“I don't know. I know this interferes with your work, or you think it will.” She stared at him in disbelief, got out of bed, and packed her bags. “Where are you going?”

She turned to look at him. “Home. To kick your daughter's ass.”

“Mel, come on … please …” But she checked out of the hospital, and went home, climbed into bed, despite all of Peter's apologies, and that afternoon she went downstairs and ordered Mrs. Hahn to make chicken and rice that night, something she could eat for a change, and she literally lay in wait until all the children came home. By six o'clock they were all there, surprised to see her again. And when they came downstairs to eat, she was waiting at the table, with eyes of fire.

“Good evening, Pam.” She started with her. “How was your day?”

“Fine.” She attempted to look confident, but she kept glancing nervously at Mel. “I understand that you told your father I went horseback riding last week. Is that true?” There was dead silence in the room. “I repeat. Is that true?”

Her voice was low. “No.”

“I can't hear you, Pam.”

“No!” She shouted at Mel, and Peter reached for his wife's arm.

“Mel, please, don't upset yourself …”

Mel looked him right in the eye. “We need to clear the air. Did you hear what she said?”

“I did.”

Mel turned back to Pam. “Why did you tell your father a lie? Did you want to make trouble for us?” Pam shrugged. “Why, Pam?” She reached out and touched the girl's hand. “Because I'm having a baby? Is that so awful that you have to punish me? Well, I'll tell you something, no matter how many babies we have, we'll still love you.” She saw Pam's eyes fill with tears while Peter kept his grip on her arm. “But if you don't knock off the shit you've been pulling ever since I moved in, I'm going to kick your ass from here to the other side of town.” Pam smiled through her tears and looked at Mel.

“Would you really do that?” She sounded almost pleased. It told her they cared about her, still.

“I would.”

Mel looked around the rest of the table then. “And that goes for the rest of you too.” She softened her voice as she looked at Matt. “You're always going to be our baby, Matt. This one will never take your place,” but he didn't look as though he believed her. And then she turned to the twins. “And you two.” She looked specifically at Val. “I didn't plan the timing of this to hurt you, Val. I couldn't know what was going to happen any more than you planned what happened to you, and the two of you have been totally insensitive about how I feel, and I think it's lousy of you.” She turned to Mark then, “And frankly, Mark, I'm surprised to see you here tonight. We don't seem to see much of you anymore. Did you run out of funds so you had to eat here for a change?”

“Yeah.” He grinned.

“Well, I think you ought to keep in mind that as long as you're living at home, you have a responsibility to this family to be here more than once a month. We expect to see a little more of you than we have lately.”

He looked startled by what she said, and subdued as Peter watched. “Yes, ma'am.”

“And Pam”—Peter's only girl looked at her cautiously— “From now on you take yourself to the shrink. You can take the bus just like everyone else. I'm not going to drive you all over town. If you want to see him, you can get there by yourself, but I'm not going to drag you there by the hair. You're almost fifteen years old. It's time you took some responsibility for yourself.”

“Do I have to take the bus home from school?” Matt piped up hopefully. He loved the bus, but Mel smiled and shook her head.

“No, you don't.” She looked around the table then.” I hope I've made myself clear to all of you. For your own reasons, you've all behaved like little beasts since your father and I told you that I was pregnant, and personally I think it stinks. I can't change what you feel, but I can change how you act, and I'm not willing to accept the way you've been treating me, all of you”—her eyes even took in Mrs. Hahn—“there's room for everyone here, for you, for me, for your father, this baby, but we have to be nice to each other. And I'm not going to let you go on punishing me”—tears suddenly sprang to her eyes and overflowed—“for this unborn child.” And with that she threw down her napkin and went upstairs, having touched not a morsel of food, but at least she had proved a point with that too, and Mrs. Hahn had actually produced salad, and roasted chicken, and rice. Peter looked around at all of them. They looked embarrassed and subdued, as well they should have, and they knew it.

“She's right, you know. You've all been rotten to her.”

Pam tried to stare him down, but it didn't work, and Mark squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, as Val hung her head.” I didn't mean to …”

Jess spoke up too. “Yes, you did. We all did. We were mad at her.”

“It isn't fair to take it out on her like that.”

“It's okay, Dad. We'll be good now.” Matt patted his father's arm and they all smiled, and a few minutes later Peter took a plate up to their room where Mel lay crying on their bed.

“Come on, sweetheart, don't get so upset. I brought you something to eat.”

“I don't want to eat. I feel sick.”

“You shouldn't get excited like that, it's bad for you.” She turned around to look at him in disbelief.

“Bad for me? Do you ever think how bad for me it is to have everyone in this house treat me like shit?”

“They'll shape up now.” She didn't answer him. “And you shouldn't be so hard on them, Mel. They're just kids.”

She narrowed her eyes and looked at him. “I don't count Matt because he's six years old and he has a right to be mad about this, but the others are practically adults, and they've stomped all over me for the past month. Pam even told you a blatant lie so that you'd think I was trying to lose our child, and you believed her!” Suddenly she was raging at him, and he hung his head, and then finally he looked at her.

“Well, I know this baby will interfere with your work, and you didn't want it at first.”

“I'm not even sure I want it now. But it's there for chrissake, and that's another thing. Just where do you think we're going to put it in this house?”

“I hadn't thought of that.”

“I didn't think you had.” She looked depressed. She didn't want to fight with him, but in his own way he was hurting her too. She spoke more quietly to him. “Can we finally sell this place?”

He looked horrified. “Are you out of your mind? This is my children's home.”

“And you built it with Anne.”

“That's beside the point.”

“It's not to me. And there's no room for our baby here.”

“We'll add on a wing.”

“Where? Above the swimming pool?” It was an absurd idea and he knew that.

“I'll call my architect and see what he suggests.”

“You're not married to him.”

“And I'm not married to you. You're married to that fucking job you bitch about so much.”

“That's not fair.”

His rage continued. “And you wouldn't give it up for a day, would you? Even if it cost you our child …” You could hear their voices across the house.

“It won't.” She leapt off the bed and confronted him. “But you and the children will if you don't all get off my back and start doing something for me for a change. They want to shit all over me for daring to get pregnant, and you want to squash me into your old life, while your daughter puts her mother's portrait over my bed.”

“Once. Big deal.” He looked unimpressed.

“That thing shouldn't even be in this house.” And then she stared at him. It had gone too far. “And neither should I. In fact”—she stalked to the closet and pulled out a valise and threw it on the bed, then marched to her chest of drawers and began throwing things into the open suitcase—“I'm getting out until you all think this thing out. Those kids, all of them, damn well better behave, and you'd better stop treating Pam like a little wilting flower with a head of glass or she's going to wind up a junkie or some other crazy thing by the time she's sixteen. There's nothing wrong with that kid that a whole lot of discipline won't cure.”

“May I remind you that my daughter is not the one who got pregnant earlier this year.” It was a low blow and he knew it as soon as the words were out. But it was too late to turn back now.

Mel stared at him with hatred in her eyes. “Touché. And we can thank your son for that.”

“Look, Mel … why don't we calm down and talk …"H e was suddenly frightened by the look in her eyes, and he knew she wasn't supposed to get upset, but she had made him so angry.

“You're half right at least. I'm going to calm down, but we are not going to talk. Not now anyway. I'm walking out of here tonight, and you can manage the kids on your own. In fact, you can sit here and figure out what you want to do about them, this house, and me.”

“Is that an ultimatum, Mel?” His voice was strangely still.

“Yes, it is.”

“And what do you do in the meantime?”

“I'm going away to make up my mind about a few things myself. What I want to do about living in this house, whether or not I want to quit my job, and if I want to get rid of this kid.”

“Are you serious?” He looked shocked, but she suddenly looked frighteningly calm.

“I'am.”

“You'd get rid of our child?”

“I might. You all seem to assume that I have to do as I'm told, what's expected of me. I have to be here day after day, I have to put up with Mrs. Hahn, I have to take anything the kids dish out, I have to live with Anne's pictures staring me in the face, I have to drive Pam to the shrink day after day, I have to have this baby no matter what … Well, guess what? I don't. I have choices to make too.”

“And I have nothing to say about any of it?” He looked furious again.

“You've said enough. You defend Pam every time I open my mouth. You tell me how marvelous Mrs. Hahn is and I tell you I hate her guts, you tell me this is your house, and you assume that I have to have our child. Well, I don't. I'm thirty-six years old and frankly I think I'm too old for this. And I'm much too old to be taking this kind of shit from anyone, you, or the kids.”

“I wasn't aware I'd been giving you shit, Mel.”

She looked sadly at him. “I've changed my whole life for you in the past six months, given up my job, my home, my town, my independence. I have a job out here which may or may not work out, but is something of a step down for me, and working with a real sonofabitch. You don't seem to appreciate any of that. And for you, everything is status quo. Your kids still have their own rooms, own house, pictures of their mom everywhere, their housekeeper, their dad. The only inconvenience is that now they have to put up with me. Well, if any of you expect me to stick around, maybe you'd all better start thinking about what changes you're going to make. Or I may make a few big changes and go home.”

He looked terrified but his voice was firm. “Mel, are you leaving me?”

“No, I'm not. But I'm going away for a week to think things out for myself, and decide what I want to do.”

“Will you have the abortion while you're gone?”

She shook her head and fought back tears. “I wouldn't do that to you. If that's what I decide, I'll tell you first.”

“It's getting awfully late for that. There would be a risk involved.”

“Then I'll have to take that into consideration too. But right now, I'm going to think about what I want, not what you want, or you expect, or what makes you comfortable or the kids needs. I have needs too, and no one has given two shits about them in a long time, not even me.” He nodded slowly, devastated that she would leave, even for a week.

“Will you let me know where you are?”

“I don't know.”

“Do you know where you're going?”

“No, I don't. I'm going to get in the car and drive, and I'll see you in a week.” She was leaving him with a lot to think about. She wasn't going to be the only one thinking things out that week.

“What about your work?”

“I'll tell them I'm sick again. I'm sure Paul Stevens will be thrilled.”

And he knew that he had to say something to her then, before she left, before she threw it all away in her head. “I won't be, Mel. I'll miss you terribly.”

She looked sad as she walked away with her valise. “So will I. But maybe that's the whole point of this. Maybe it's time we both figured out how much this all means to us, how much it's worth, how much we're willing to pay for what we want. I don't know anymore, I thought I did, but suddenly I wonder about it all, and I need to think it out.” He nodded, and watched as she walked out the door, and a moment later he heard the front door close behind her. He had wanted to take her in his arms, to tell her he loved her more than life itself, that he wanted their child, but he had been too proud, he had only stood there. And now she was gone. For a week. For longer? Forever?

“Where's Mom?” Val looked in, in surprise, as she passed their room.

“Out.” He stared at her. “Gone.” He decided to tell her the truth. He would tell them all. They deserved to know. They had played a part in it too. They were all responsible for how she felt. He wouldn't take the blame alone, although he realized now that a good part of it was his. He had been so damn stubborn about the house, about everything. She had made all the changes required for their new life, and he had made none. She was right, it wasn't fair. He looked sadly at Val now, who didn't seem to understand.

“Gone? Gone where?”

“I don't know. She'll be back in a week.” And then Val simply stood and stared at him. She understood. They'd all gone too far. But they had all been so damn mad at her, and she had been too. It didn't seem worth it now.

“Will she be okay?”

“I hope so, Val.” He walked into the hall and put an arm around her as Jess came up the stairs and looked at them.

“Did Mom go out?”

“Yeah.” Val answered for him. “She left for a week.” And as the rest of them came up the stairs, they heard what Val said, and they simply stood where they were and stared at him.

CHAPTER 30

When Mel left the house that night, she simply got in the car and drove, with no set plan of where to go, no one she wanted to see. All she wanted to do was get away, from her house, her job, their kids, and him. And for the first fifty miles, all she thought of was where she was leaving from, not where she was going to.

But after that, she began to relax, and suddenly after almost two hours, she stopped for gas, and grinned to herself. She had never done anything quite as outrageous in her life, as she had done in walking out on him. But she couldn't take anymore. Everyone was pushing her, and it was time she thought of herself instead of all of them. Even as far as this baby was concerned. She didn't have to do a damn thing she didn't want to do. She didn't even have to live in that house if she didn't want to. Hell, she made a million bucks a year, she could buy her own goddamn house, she told herself. She didn't have to live with Anne's ghost, if she didn't want to, and she already knew that she did not. And as she began driving again, with a full tank of gas, she began thinking of all the changes she had made in her life in the last six months, and how few changes had been required of Peter. He still worked in the same place, with the same people who respected his work, slept in the same bed he had slept in for a number of years. His children hadn't been moved out of their home. He even had the same housekeeper. The only thing that had changed for him was the face he kissed before he left the house for work, and maybe he didn't even notice that. And as Mel pulled into Santa Barbara, she began to steam again, and she was glad she'd left. She was only sorry she hadn't done it before, but who had time, between driving Pam to her shrink, trying to pacify the twins, keep a remote eye on Mark, and play Mommy to Matthew, and hold Peter's hand when his transplant patients died, not to mention doing interviews, specials, and the six o'clock news every night, it was a wonder she had time to dress and comb her hair. To hell with all of them. Peter, the kids, and Paul Stevens. Let him anchor alone for a while, they could always say that she was sick. To hell with them. She didn't care.

She pulled into a motel and paid for a room, which looked like it could have been anywhere in the world, from Beirut to New Orleans, when she glanced at the rust-colored shag rug on the floor, the orange vinyl chairs, the spotless white tile bathroom, the rust-colored bedspread. It was definitely not the Bel-Air, or even the Santa Barbara Biltmore, where she had stayed years before, and she didn't give a damn. She took a hot bath, turned on the TV, watched the news when it came on at eleven o'clock, by habit more than desire, and turned out the light without calling home. Screw them all, she thought to herself, and for the first time in months she felt free, to do what she wanted to do, to be herself, to make up her own mind without considering a living, breathing soul.

And then suddenly as she lay in bed, she thought of what was inside of her, and realized that even here she wasn't totally alone. The baby had come with her … the baby … as though it were already a person separate from herself … She lay a hand on her stomach, which had been so flat a month before, and now there was a small but distinct bulge where the hollow between her hip bones had been. And it was odd to think what would happen if she went on with the pregnancy. The baby would become real to her, she would feel it move in about six weeks … for a tiny moment, there was a tender feeling deep inside her, and then she let it go. She didn't want to think of that right now. She didn't want to think of anything. She closed her eyes and went to sleep, without dreaming of Peter, or the children or their unborn child, or anything. She just lay in bed in the motel room and slept, and when she woke up the next day, the sun was streaming into her room, and she couldn't remember where she was at first, and when she looked around and realized where she was, she laughed to herself. She felt good, and strong, and free.

And when Peter woke up that morning in Bel-Air, he reached over to the other side of the bed, instinctively feeling for her, and when his hand and leg met smooth, empty sheets, he opened one eye, and then he remembered with a sinking heart that she was gone. He turned over and lay staring up at the ceiling for a long time, wondering where she was, and remembering why she had gone. It was really all his fault, he told himself, you couldn't blame the kids, or Paul Stevens at her job, or Mrs. Hahn. It was that he had done everything wrong from the first. He had expected too much of her, expected her to change her entire life … for him. And he knew she regretted everything she'd done, as he lay there reproaching himself. He thought of how much she loved her life in New York, and wondered how he had even dared to think she could give that up. A job that any man in the country would have drooled to have, a house she loved, her friends, her life, her town …

And as Melanie began driving slowly north, she thought of Peter's face the first time they had met, those endless first days during the interview, the exhausting hours they shared when the President had been shot … his first trip to New York. She began to think not so much of what she'd had there, but what she'd gotten in exchange … the first time Matt had climbed into her lap … a look in Pam's eyes once or twice … the moments when Mark had clung to her and cried when Val almost died on their skiing trip. Suddenly it was difficult to exorcise them all from her life. Her anger now was directed more at the twins, at Jess for expecting too much of her, for expecting her to be there for everyone and especially for her, at Val for resenting this baby in her mother's life because she hadn't been able to have her own.

She owed them more than that. But how much more did she have to give? No more than she had already given them, that was the tragedy of it, and it wasn't enough, she knew. And now there was one more pair of eyes to look into hers one day and tell her that she didn't have enough to give to him, or her … and there was nothing at all left of herself. It exhausted her to think of it, and she was relieved when she saw Carmel at last. All she wanted to do was check into another motel and go back to sleep again … to get away … to dream … to escape …

“When's Mommy coming back?” Matthew stared glumly at his plate, and then at the rest of them. No one had said a word since they had sat down to dinner that night. It didn't feel like Sunday night without her. It was Mrs. Hahn's day off, and usually Mel made them all something they liked to eat. She talked and laughed and listened to them, kept an eye on everyone, and spoke about what she had lined up in the week ahead, knowing full well that everything would change before the week was halfway out. But she would tease and joke, and manage to include everyone, or try to. Matthew looked up at Peter then, his eyes filled with reproach. “Why did you make her go away?”

“She'll be back.” Jessica was the first to speak, as tears filled her eyes. “She just went away for a little rest.”

“Why can't she rest here?” He looked accusingly at her. She was the only one who would speak to him. The rest of them seemed to have been struck dumb, but Mark addressed him now.

“Because we all wear her out, Matt. We expect too goddamn much of her.” Mark looked pointedly at Pam, and then let his glance take in everyone, and after dinner Peter heard him shouting at Val. “You blamed her for goddamn everything … that you had to leave New York … your friends … your school … you even blamed her for what happened to us. It wasn't her fault, Val.” But the pretty little blonde sat down and cried so hard that he didn't have the heart to go on. Peter walked slowly up the stairs to Val's room, and found them all sitting there except for Pam, who was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling with the radio on. She had wanted her to go. She admitted it to herself, even if she wouldn't have told her shrink. She wanted her own mother back. But she understood now that that was never going to be. It was either Mel or this incredible emptiness, the same way it had been when her mom was first gone, with only Mrs. Hahn there for them, and suddenly Pam knew that wasn't what she wanted, for them, or for herself. She got up and walked into the twins' room and found the others there, even Matt, sitting sadly on the floor.

“Boy, this room is small.” She looked around. Her room was twice that size. Val and Jess didn't say anything, but they turned as they saw Peter in the doorway.

“Yes, it is.” But it only reminded him of what Mel had said, that the twins had never shared a room in their life. And here, they were squashed in like orphans, while Pam had a room twice the size. Had everything she said been true? Most of it, he told himself. Not all of it. But too much for him to be able to discard all that she had said.

“A double room?” The man at the motel in Carmel asked.

“No.” She smiled tiredly. “A single will be fine.” He looked at her sorrowfully. They always said that, and then a guy and two kids would make a mad dash into the room, thinking he wouldn't know that they were there. And they probably had a large slobbering dog. But this time he was wrong. She took her small overnight bag out of the car, walked inside and closed the door, and lay down on the bed without looking around. It was almost identical to the room she'd had the night before. There was a sameness to everything new as she lay down in another orange vinyl room with a rust-colored shag rug, and went to sleep from sheer exhaustion.

“Dr. Hallam?”

“Hmm?” A nurse had spoken to him, and he sat in a cubicle with a stack of charts, grateful that they had only had two bypasses to do that morning.

“Is something wrong?” She was terrified of him. He was a great man and if she made a mistake, her neck would be on the line, but he only looked at her and shook his head with a tired smile.

“Everything is fine. What about Iris Lee? Is there any reaction to the drugs yet?”

“Not yet.” She had had the transplant two weeks before, and everything seemed to be going well, but Peter didn't have a lot of hope for her. They hadn't gotten a heart in time, and had had to put a child's heart piggyback with her own. Sometimes the technique had worked well for him, but Iris had been so frail, in her case it had been a desperate move, and he had been expecting the worst for days. And this time, Mel wouldn't be there for him. It was like in the days after Anne's death. He was alone now. And even lonelier than he had been when Anne died.

“Jess?”

“Yeah?”

Val lay on her bed after school, while Jessie sat at the desk in their room. “Do you ever wish we'd go back to New York?”

“Sure.” She turned to look at her twin. “Lots of times. There's nothing wrong with that. We lived there for a long time.”

“Do you suppose that's where Mom went?” She had been thinking about it all day.

“I don't know. I don't know where she'd go. She might even be in L.A.”

“And not call us?” Val looked horrified and Jessie smiled.

“Would you call us if you felt like that?”

Val shook her head. “I guess not.”

“Neither would I.” She stared out the window then with a small sigh. “I blamed everything on her, Val. Everything. It was so fucking unfair, but all the decisions were hers. She always used to ask us what we thought about things, and this time she just went ahead, and pulled us out of school, moved out here …” She thought about it for a long time. “I guess I was pissed at her for taking the decisions out of our hands.”

“She must have thought she was doing the right thing.” Val looked sad and Jess nodded her head and looked at her.

“The bitch of it is that she did. I like Peter, don't you?”

Val nodded her head again. “All I could think of when I heard we were moving out here was Mark.”

Jess smiled. “I know that. It sure didn't help me much while we were leaving New York. Mom had Peter, you had Mark. And I had shit.” She grinned. It didn't seem so awful now. She liked their school, and she had met a nice boy a month or so before. For the first time in her life, she had met someone she really cared about. He was twenty-one, and she had a feeling that her mom was going to have a fit, especially after what had happened with Val and Mark. But she knew that this was going to be someone special to her, and she sat staring into space with a distant smile.

“What are you grinning about?” Val had been watching her. “And you sit there with a happy smile. What's up?”

“Nothing much.”

But instantly Val knew. Jess may have gotten the better grades, but Val knew men. She zeroed in on her sister with narrowed eyes. “Are you in love?”

Jess looked at her with a smile. She hadn't want to tell her yet. “Not yet. But I met someone nice.”

“You?” Val looked stunned, and Jessie nodded, unwilling to say more. But Val didn't look impressed. “Just watch out.” They both knew what she meant, and Val had been right. She'd learned one of the toughest lessons of life, and she wouldn't forget.

Mrs. Hahn served them dinner silently that night, and Peter didn't get home till nine o'clock. Matthew was already in bed, tucked in by Jess, Pam, and Val, and Peter went upstairs to check on them. “Everyone all right?” They were a quiet group, but everyone nodded as he went from room to room. He had had a rough day but there was no one to tell, he stopped in the twins' room and stared at Jess. “Any word from your mom?” She only shook her head and he went back downstairs, just as Mel drove up San Francisco's California Street on Nob Hill, and checked into the Stanford Court Hotel. It was a refreshing change from the motels she'd been staying at, and the room was all done in gray velvets and silks and moiré, and she collapsed on the bed with a tired groan. She felt as though she had been driving for days and days and days, and she reminded herself to slow down a bit. She hadn't made her mind up yet, and she didn't want to lose the baby before she did. She had a responsibility to it, if it was going to live. She lay awake thinking about it that night, about how angry Val had been, Jess's fury over just how many changes she expected them to make … Pam's hostility and ploys for attention for herself, even poor little Matt's hurt, and Peter's expectation that she would have the baby in spite of it all, as an antidote to his constant bouts with death in the operating room. It all seemed terribly unfair. She had to have it, or not have it, for all of them. Once again, the issue was them and not herself.

She walked through Chinatown the next day, and then drove to Golden Gate Park, and wandered through the flowers. It was almost May … May … she had met Peter almost a year before, and now here she was, and when she got back to the hotel, she took her little phone book out of her bag, dialed 8 for long distance, and called Raquel. It was eight o'clock in New York and they hadn't heard from her in months, Mel didn't even know if she had a job. Or she could have been out, but she picked the phone up on the first ring.

“Hello?” She sounded as suspicious as she always did and on her end Mel grinned.

“Hi, Raquel, it's me.” It was like calling home from far away in the old days, and she had to remind herself not to ask how the twins were. “How are you?”

“Mrs. Mel?”

“Of course.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, I just thought I'd call and see how you were.”

“I'm fine.” She sounded pleased. “How are the girls?”

“They're wonderful.” She wouldn't tell her about Val. She was all right now. “They like their school, everything seems to be working out.” But as she said it, her voice trembled and tears filled her eyes.

“Something's wrong!” It was an accusation this time, and Mel felt tears rise in her throat.

“Absolutely not. I was in San Francisco for a few days and I got lonely for you.”

“What are you doing there? You still working too hard?”

“No, it's not as bad. I only have to do the six o'clock.” She didn't tell her what an agony the job had been. “And I'm just here to take it easy for a few days.”

“Why? You sick?” She had always been to the point and Mel smiled. What was the point of fooling her?

“To tell you the truth, you old witch, I ran away.”

“From who?” She sounded shocked.

“Everyone. Peter, the kids, my job, myself.”

“What's happening to you?” It was obvious that she disapproved.

“I don't know. I guess I just needed some time to think.”

“About what?” She sounded angry at Mel now. “You always think too much. You don't need to think.” And then, “Is your husband there?”

“No, I'm here alone.” She could just see Raquel's face, and she wondered why she had called, but she had wanted to hear a familiar voice and she didn't want to call home.

“You go home right now!”

“I will in a few days.”

“I mean now. What's wrong with you? You going crazy out there?”

“A little bit.” She didn't want to tell her about the baby yet. She still needed time to make a decision about that. And there was no point telling anyone if she was going to get rid of it. In L.A., she could always say that she lost it because she worked too hard, and no one knew at work yet.” I just wanted to know if you were all right.”

“I'm fine. Now you go home.”

“I will. Don't worry about me, Raquel. I send you a big kiss.”

“Don't kiss me, go home and kiss him. Tell him you're sorry you ran away.”

“I will. And write to me sometime.”

“Okay, okay. And give my love to the twins.”

“I will.” They hung up then and Mel lay on the bed for a long time. Raquel didn't understand any better than they did. In her mind, Mel belonged at home, no matter what they said or did. It was her place. And the truth was that she thought so too.

She ordered room service that night, had a hot bath, and watched a couple of hours of TV. She didn't feel like going out. There was nowhere she wanted to go, and at eleven o'clock, before the news came on, she dialed, got a long-distance line, and held the phone in her hand for a long time. Maybe Raquel was right … but she didn't want to call unless she wanted to … She dialed the number, not sure yet if she'd hang up or speak to him, but when she heard his voice, her heart leapt as it had almost a year before.

“Hello?” She could tell that he hadn't been asleep yet. And she hesitated for one beat.

“Hi.” It was a cautious sound.

“Mel?”

“No. Chicken Delight. Yeah, it's me.”

“For God's sake, are you all right? I've been worried sick.”

“I'm okay.”

He didn't dare to ask, but he had to now. “The baby? Did you … did you get rid of it?”

She sounded hurt.” I told you I wouldn't do that until I told you what I'd decided to do.”

“And did you decide?”

“Not yet. I haven't really given it a lot of thought.”

“Then what the hell have been you thinking about?”

“Us.”

There was a long pause. “Oh.” And then, “S o have I. I've been a real sonofabitch, Mel. The kids think so too.”

“No, they don't.” She smiled. He had been breast-beating while she was gone, and that really wasn't the point. “That's silly, Peter. We both had a lot of adjustments to make.”

“Yeah, and I let you make them all.”

“That's not entirely true.” But it was in part, and he knew it now. She didn't totally want to take the truth from him. “One of us had to move, ourselves, our kids, had to give up our old lives. And it was impossible for you. It was my choice.”

“And I let it go at that. I let everything fall on you. I even expected you to step into Anne's shoes. It makes me sick when I think about it now.”

She sighed. He wasn't entirely wrong, but there was more to it than that, and she knew that now. “And in a way, I think I expected to continue my old independent life, to make all my decisions for myself without consulting you, bring up my kids the way I want, and coincidentally yours too. I expected you and your children to throw out all your old ways at once because I told you to. And that wasn't right.”

“It wasn't wrong.” He sounded desperately contrite and she was touched.

“Maybe we were both half right and half wrong.” She smiled.

He wasn't smiling yet. She wasn't home. And he still didn't know where she was. “Where does that leave us now?”

“A little wiser than we were.”

He wasn't sure what she meant. “And you, Mel? Are you going back to New York?” He heard her gasp.

“Are you crazy?” And then, “Are you throwing me out?”

This time he laughed. “I don't know if you remember this, but last time I looked you ran away. In fact, I don't even know where you are.”

She smiled at that. She had forgotten to tell him when she first called. “I'm in San Francisco.”

“How did you get there?” He seemed surprised.

“I drove.”

“That's too far, Mel.” He was thinking of the pregnancy, but he didn't want to tell her that.

“I stopped in Santa Barbara and Carmel on the way up.”

“Do you feel all right?”

“I'm fine.” And then she smiled as she lay on her bed at the Stanford Court. “I miss you a lot.”

“Well, that's nice to hear.” And then he finally dared to ask. “When are you coming home?”

“Why?” She sounded suspicious again and he groaned.

“Because I want you to clean the place and mow the lawn, you horse's ass. Why do you think? Because I miss you too.” And then he had an idea. “Why don't you stay there for a few more days, and I'll meet you there.”

Melanie's face suddenly burst into a smile. “That's a nice idea, love.” It was the first time she had called him that in a long while and he beamed.

“I love you so much, Mel. And I've been such a fucking ass.”

“No, you haven't. We've both been. So much happened in so little time. And our work puts so much pressure on us both.” He couldn't disagree with that.

“What do you want to do about the house? Do you still want to move? I will if you want us to.” He had thought about it a lot in the past few days, and he didn't want to give up the house he loved, but if it meant that much to her, and there really wasn't enough room for the twins, unless maybe they exchanged rooms with Pam, and he knew she'd have a fit. “What do you think?”

“I think we should stay where we are for a while, and let everyone settle down before we make any more changes at all, and that goes for Mrs. Hahn too.” He was relieved at what she said and he thought she was right. They all needed time to settle down now. So everything was resolved, except her miseries at her job, and what to do about their unborn child. “Do you really want to come up here?”

“Yes, I do. I feel like we haven't been alone for years. We even took the kids to Mexico on our honeymoon.”

She laughed at that. “Whose idea was that?”

“All right … mea culpa … but anyway, a romantic weekend sounds fabulous to me right now.”

“I'll do my best. Keep your fingers crossed.”

She did and he called her back the next day. He had gotten two surgeons on the team to split the weekend and cover for him. It had taken a little negotiation, but he had been so intense about it that they had both agreed.

“I'll be there in two days,”

“Good.” And she needed that much time to herself to think about whether she wanted an abortion or not. She really wasn't sure. “How are the kids, by the way?”

“Fine. And really beginning to appreciate you.” And so was he. He could hardly wait to see her on Friday night. It was like the days when she was living in New York, only worse, because he knew what he was missing now. And he told her so. “I miss you too, Mel, more than you know.” It had been a ghastly week for him. And Iris Lee had died that day, but he had expected it, and he didn't tell Mel that. They had their own problems now, without adding another thing. He was more worried about her, than his patients now. “Are you feeling all right?”

“I'm fine.”

And he didn't ask her if she'd made up her mind yet. And the next day she took a long walk in Muir Woods, and tried to think about what she wanted to do. Again and again she came back to what she had told Val … “I don't know if I could have done what you did …"I t was not a condemnation, whatever Val might have thought at the time. There was something about aborting a child at her age, married to a man she loved, with plenty of money between them both. There was no reason for it, no way she could explain it to herself, and perhaps there would be no way she could live with it. “But do you want the child?” she asked herself, and that was where she got hung up. She wasn't sure. But what an ugly luxury to dispose of a life because she wasn't in the mood, it didn't fit in with her job, it annoyed her other kids … and there they were again … the all-powerful others in her life, husband, children … what she owed them. What did she owe herself! And suddenly she heard her own voice in the woods. “I want this child.” She was so startled that she looked around, as though to see who had spoken those words, but she knew she had. She felt a thousand-pound weight lift off her heart and she smiled. She looked at her watch. It was time for lunch. She had to take care of the baby if she were having it … I want this child … the words had been so strong and sure, and so was she as she made her way back to her car, walking through the woods.

CHAPTER 31

As she stood at the gate waiting for him, Mel felt the dampness in her palms, and the same nervousness she had felt a year before. It was like starting all over again, except that it would be better this time. He was the third one off the plane and she flew into his arms. It had been an endless week.

“Oh, Mel…” Tears filled his eyes and he was beyond words as he clung to her. He didn't even care what she did about the baby now. He wanted her and only her … and no more so than she wanted him.

“God, I missed you so much.” But as she pulled away from him, smiling and with tears in her eyes, he saw that she looked better than she had in months. She looked rested and relaxed and the frown between her brows was gone.

“You look wonderful, Mel.”

“So do you.” And then she looked down at the zipper in her slacks that had barely closed and was straining now. “I've gained a little weight here and there.” He wasn't sure what to say and she smiled at him. “I've decided that …” She felt strange saying the words. Who was she to decide about a life. It was what she had said to him a long time ago. God decided that, he didn't, and neither did she. “The baby's going to be fine.”

“It is?” He wanted to be sure he understood what she meant.

“Yes.” She beamed.

“Are you sure?”

“I'am.”

“For me?” He didn't want her to do that. She had to want it too, and it was a lot to ask, given the fact that they had five others at home, and the ultra-demanding job she had.

“For myself, for you, for us … for all of us …” She blushed and he took her hand. “But mostly for me.” She told him what had happened when she was walking in the woods and tears filled his eyes as he pulled her close to him again.

“Oh, Mel.”

“I love you.” It was all she could say, and arm in arm they walked outside, and shared a weekend like no other they had ever shared.

They started the drive home slowly Sunday afternoon, and took Route 5 so it wouldn't be quite as long, and by ten o'clock they were home, and as she looked at the house, Mel felt as though she had been gone for years. She stood outside for a moment or two and just smiled, but Peter took her hand and walked her inside. “Come on, kiddo, let's get you to bed. That's a long drive for you.” He was treating her like Venetian glass and she smiled at him.

“I think I'll live.” But as soon as she stepped inside the house, there was an explosion of sound. The kids had heard them drive up, and Pam had looked outside and given a horrendous squeal.

“They're home!” She was first down the stairs, and threw her arms around Mel. “Welcome back!” It wasn't welcome home, but it was close. And the twins hugged her, and Mark, and Matthew woke up from all the noise and wanted to sleep in her bed that night. When they had all finally returned to their rooms again after almost an hour of chatter and noise and talk, Mel lay on their bed and looked at Peter with a happy smile.

“They're all good kids, aren't they?”

“They have a good mother.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and took her hand in his. “I promise, Mel. I'll do everything I can to make things easier for you.” But there was only so much he could do, and that night he got a call at two A.M. He was back on call, and one of his bypasses needed him at once. And the next time Mel saw him again was when he came home at noon to change his clothes. She had the house back in control, had told Mrs. Hahn what she wanted served for dinner that night, and Peter noticed with a grin that Mrs. Hahn did not look pleased. But she made no complaint to him. And Peter changed his clothes and hurried off to work, just as Mel left. She smiled and waved as they pulled out of the driveway in their separate cars. Pam was getting herself to the shrink alone that day, as she had done the week before when Mel was gone. Mark had said he'd be home after dinner but not too late, since he had exams the next day, the twins were playing tennis with friends, but would be in by five o'clock. Mrs. Hahn was picking Matthew up at school, as she had a year before, and Mel was off to work for the first time in a week, and when she got in, even Paul Stevens's viciousness couldn't dampen her spirits today. Everything felt too damn good.

But at six forty-five, after she had done the news, the producer sought her out and found her in her office, jotting down some notes before she went home. He walked in and closed the door, and Mel looked up.

“Hi, Tom. Is something wrong?”

He hesitated and Mel felt a chill. Were they firing her? Could they? Had Stevens finally won? “Mel, I have to talk to you.” Oh shit.

“Sure. Sit down.” She waved him to a chair. The office didn't feel like home yet but it was all she had there.

“I don't know how to tell you this, Mel …” Her heart stopped. My God, she was being canned. She had been the biggest newsroom star at the network in New York, she had won four prizes for the documentary interviews she'd done and that little prick had gotten her canned.

“Yes?” She might as well make it easy for him, she just hoped she didn't cry, and all she wanted was to go home to Peter now. To hell with their fucking job and their lousy show. She'd go home and have the baby and take care of their kids.

“I don't want to frighten you.” That didn't make sense. “But we've had several threats …” She looked blank. “They started coming in during the week you were gone. And they began again today.”

“What kind of threats?” She didn't understand. Was that little sonofabitch threatening to quit? Let him then. The ratings would soar. But she didn't want to tell Tom that yet.

“Threats on your life, Mel.” She stared at him.

“On me?” It had happened once in New York, years ago, some kook didn't like the piece she'd done and called the network for months, threatening to strangle her, but eventually he'd gotten bored or given up. Mel looked amused. “At least someone's watching out there.”

“I'm serious, Mel. We've had problems like this before. This is California, not New York. We've had several assassination attempts on presidents out here.”

She couldn't help but smile. “I'm flattered, Tom, but I'm hardly in those leagues.”

“You're important to us.”

She was touched. “Thank you, Tom.”

“And we've hired a bodyguard for you.”

“You've what? Oh that's ridiculous … you don't really think …”

“You have children, Mel. Do you want to take that chance?” His question stopped her dead.

“No, I don't, but …”

“We didn't want to frighten your husband while you were gone, but we think it's serious.”

“Why?” She still looked amused. It happened in their business all the time.

“Because we got a call last week, and the man said there was a bomb in your desk. There was, Mel. It would have gone off in exactly one hour, when you opened your desk, and blown us all to kingdom come, if you'd been here.” Suddenly she felt sick.

“They think they might know who it is. But in the meantime, while they figure it out, we want you safe. We were very glad that you were gone last week.”

“So am I.” She felt an unconscious twitch in her left eye as she spoke, and she looked up to see a tall stern-looking man walk into the room. Tom introduced him at once. He was her bodyguard, and two others had been hired as well. They wanted her escorted whenever she came and went, and they left it up to her, but they thought she should have them at home as well. It was no secret who she was married to, and anyone could look them up. The bodyguard's name was Timothy Frank and as he left the building at her side, she felt as though she had a wall with her. He was the biggest, broadest, toughest man she'd ever seen. And she thanked him when he got her home. She had been asked to leave her car at the station that night, and go home with Tim in the limousine. And as she rolled up, she saw Peter was home.

“Hi.” He looked up from some papers he was going through, and smiled. It was so good to have her home again, but the frown was back, and she looked extremely strained.

“Trouble at work?”

“You might say that.” She looked dazed. Tim had left again with the limousine.

“What's wrong?” She told him then about the bomb and he stared at her. “My God, Mel. You can't live like that, and neither can we.”

“What do you expect me to do?”

He hated to say the words, but she was pregnant now, and it was just too much strain for her. Even if they caught the guy in a week or two, just knowing that it could happen again would put too much pressure on her, and on him. He didn't want her going through that. And if they didn't catch the guy … He shuddered at the thought, and stood up to close his study door. He stood there, looking down at her. “I think you should quit.”

“I can't.” Her face turned to rock. “It happened once in New York and I didn't quit then. I won't do it for a reason like that.”

“What reason do you need?” He was shouting at her. Life never seemed to get off their backs, patients dying, unruly kids, bomb threats, unexpected pregnancies. It was almost more than he could stand to think about as he looked at her. “What if someone bombs this house and one of the children is killed?”

She winced at his words and turned a faint shade of green. “We'll have bodyguards round the clock.”

“For five kids?”

“God damn it, I don't know …” She leapt to her feet. “I'll stay in a hotel if you want me to. But I won't quit my job, because of some fucking lunatic. For all I know it's Paul Stevens just trying to scare me off.”

“Is that what the police think?”

She had to be honest with him. “No, they don't. But they also think they know who the guy is.”

“Then take a leave until they pick him up.”

“I can't, Peter. I can't, dammit. I have a job to do.” He walked over and grabbed her arm. “You'll get killed.”

“I've taken that chance before.” Her eyes blazed. He couldn't make her quit her job, not after all these years. It was part of who she was, and he had promised to respect that, for better or worse.

“You've never taken that chance with my child's life. Think of that.”

“I can't think of anything anymore.”

“Except yourself.”

“Fuck you.” She walked out of the room and slammed the door, and went upstairs, and he didn't speak to her again that night. Things were off to a great start again, and the children sensed the tension in the house. She called the producer of the show that night, and accepted his offer of bodyguards, for herself, her husband, and the kids. It would take an army to keep them safe, but the station was willing to pay for it. And she told Peter about it when they went to bed. “They start tomorrow morning, at six.”

“That's ridiculous. What am I supposed to do? Do rounds with a bodyguard?”

“I don't think the problem is you. Maybe he could just go with you when you go outdoors. The real problem is me.”

“I'm aware of that.” He felt sick at the thought. And the next morning, at breakfast, she explained it to the kids. Their eyes were wide as she explained, and she assured them that they'd all be safe and in a few days the man would be caught. It was just something they had to live with for a little while. Matt thought it was fabulous, Mark was embarrassed to have to take a bodyguard to college with him, and the girls looked terrified. But as they each left for school with the policeman assigned to the task, Mrs. Hahn sought Mel out upstairs.

“Mrs. Hallum?” She always pronounced it that way, and Mel turned to speak to her.

“Yes, Mrs. Hahn?” Peter called her Hilda now and then, but Mel never did. And there was no “Mrs. Mel” as there had been in New York with Raquel.

“I wanted to tell you that due to the circumstances, I quit.”

Mel stared at her. “You do?” Peter would be shocked, and possibly even angry at her. She was wreaking havoc on their house and it was not her fault.

“I really don't think you're in any danger here, and as I explained to the children this morning, there will be full protection here at all times.”

“I've never worked in a house where there had to be police before.”

“I'm sure you haven't, Mrs. Hahn. But if you'll be patient for a little while …” She owed it to Peter to at least try.

“No.” She shook her head decidedly.” I won't. I'm leaving now.”

“With no notice at all?”

She shook her head, looking at Mel accusingly. “Nothing like this ever happened before when the doctor's wife was here.” The doctor's wife being Anne of course, the real Mrs. Hallam as opposed to Mel. And now Mel couldn't help pushing her a little, with a barely concealed grin. She was hardly heartbroken to see the woman go. She had hated her from the first.

“Things must have been pretty dull here then.” She looked nonchalant and Hilda Hahn was clearly horrified. She didn't even offer to shake Mel's hand.

“Good-bye. I left the doctor a letter in my room.”

“I'll see that he gets it then. You don't want to stay long enough to say good-bye to the children yourself?” That seemed mean to Mel, but she knew that they'd survive.

“I don't want to be in this house for another hour.”

“Fine.” Mel looked unperturbed and watched her go, and she almost shouted hallelujah as the front door closed. But that night, Peter was a little less than thrilled.

“Who's going to run this place, Mel? You don't have time.” She searched his eyes for accusation, but it was more concern.

“We'll find someone else.” She called Raquel, but she still refused to come out, and she urged Mel to be careful with the girls. “In the meantime, I can do it myself with the kids.”

“That's great. Someone is out there planting bombs with your name on them and you have to worry about doing laundry and making beds.”

“You can help too.” She smiled.

“I have other things to do.” And a bodyguard to endure. The entire situation wore on his nerves as the days wore on and the bomber wasn't caught. There had been four more threats, and a defective bomb was found in Mel's desk, and at long last even Paul Stevens felt sorry for her. He knew she was pregnant now, and there were dark circles under her eyes from lying awake at night, wondering if the man would be caught. He would in time, they always were, but how long would that be?

“I'm sorry this is happening to you, Mel.” He finally called a truce one day and held out a hand.

“So am I.” She smiled tiredly after they went off the air. The bodyguard had stood close by during the entire time. She was constantly aware of him, and in the morning when the kids left for school, the house seemed to be full of cops. It was driving Peter nuts and they were fighting all the time. He had almost gotten used to his own man, but the others seemed “de trop” for him. “It goes with the turf, I guess,” she told Paul.

He looked sadly at her. “You know, I used to envy you.”

“I know.” She smiled. And she knew why. “But at least you don't have to contend with this.”

“I don't know how the hell you stand the strain.”

“Mostly, I worry about the kids … my own … his … if something happens to one of them, I'll never forgive myself.” It had been going on for a month by now, and she was seriously beginning to think she ought to quit. She hadn't said anything to Peter yet, because she didn't want to get him started, or let him think that it was sure. But she had promised herself that if the bomber wasn't caught in the next two weeks, she would quit.

Paul Stevens looked horrified as he contemplated it all. “If there's anything that I can do …” She shook her head and said good night, and went home to her family, but it wasn't the casual group it used to be. There were unmarked police cars outside, and inside the house everyone was aware of the danger that lurked near them every day.

“Do you think they'll catch him, Mom?” Matthew asked her that night.

“I hope so, Matt.” She held him on her lap, praying that the danger would not touch him … or any of them … she looked from him to Pam to the twins. Mark was out. And that night Peter talked to her about it again.

“Why don't you quit?”

She didn't want to tell him that she was thinking the same thing. “I'm not a quitter, that's why.” But she had thought of something else. “What if we go away?”

“Where?”

It was June by then, and she thought of it with a sigh, as she looked at Peter hopefully. “What about taking everyone to Martha's Vineyard for a while?” She hadn't rented the house this year, but maybe she could still get it for a few weeks, or rent another one. But he shook his head.

“That's too far away for you.” She was four months pregnant by then, and just beginning to show. “And I'll never see you if you go there. Why not something nearby?”

“That defeats the whole purpose of the trip.” She was exhausted by the whole idea, and she was staggered by what the station was spending on bodyguards, but nobody begrudged them to her. And it certainly wasn't their fault they got on her nerves. That morning as she poured a glass of milk for Matt, one of the men had asked her to “Step back from the window, please.” It certainly reminded one day and night of what was going on, and the threat to their lives. “What about Aspen again?” She looked hopelessly at Peter then.

“I don't think the altitude is good for you.”

“Neither is the tension here.”

“I don't know. I'll think about it today.” And so did she. Suddenly all she wanted to do was run away again. She had lived with the nightmare for a month and she couldn't stand it anymore. She went to work that afternoon, and sat at her desk, her bodyguard just outside the room, and suddenly she looked up and saw the producer staring down at her with a smile.

“Mel, we've got good news for you.”

“You're sending me to Europe for a year?” She smiled, and for the first time, she thought she felt the baby move. They hadn't mentioned her pregnancy on the show because they were afraid that the madman who was hunting her would do something even worse to her if he found out. So the secret she was carrying remained invisible and unknown beneath her desk.

“Better news than that.” The smile grew wider and she saw Paul Stevens in the hall looking at her benevolently.

“You're giving Paul my job.” Paul grinned and nodded yes as Mel laughed. They were almost friends now, as a result of the agonies of the past month.

“They caught the lunatic who's been threatening you.”

“They did?” Her eyes grew wide and filled with tears. “It's all over then?” He nodded and she began to shake.

“Oh my God.” She put her head down on her desk and began to sob.

CHAPTER 32

“Well, my love,” Peter looked happily across at her, as they sat beside their pool; all the kids were out, and they had peace again. “What'll we do for fun this week?” He smiled at her. “No one can accuse us of having a dull life at least.”

“God forbid.” She lay back and closed her eyes. She knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to go to Martha's Vineyard and lie in the hot sand, but all the kids had other plans by then, Peter was tied up with his work, and she had agreed to forfeit her vacation that year, and take maternity leave instead. The baby was due around Thanksgiving, and she was leaving work on October first.

“I have an idea, Mel.”

“If it involves anything more than falling into the pool, don't tell me now.” Her eyes were closed as he smiled at her, and walked slowly over to where she sat.

“Why don't we look at some houses today?” She opened one eye.

“You're kidding of course.”

“I'm serious.”

She looked absolutely amazed. “You are?”

“Well, much as I hate to admit it, there's nowhere to put the new baby, except maybe in the garage, and I think a whole lot of construction would drive us nuts. The twins need their own rooms …” Mel knew how hard it was for him to admit mistakes, and she held out her arms. He knew how badly she had wanted to move out of Anne's house, and she had long since given up.

“Wouldn't you rather stay here? I really wouldn't mind. We can figure something out for a couple of years, and Mark will be gone soon.” He had decided to go east to college for his junior and senior two years, which meant he had only one more year at home, and Jess already knew she wanted to go to Yale if she could get in … “The kids are practically grown-up.”

“That's nice for them. I wish I could say the same for me.”

“You're the nicest man I know.” She kissed him gently on the lips and he let his fingers drift up her leg. “Hmm … Do you suppose anyone can see us here?”

“Only a neighbor or two, and what's a little passion between friends?”

He took her inside then, and their lovemaking renewed the bond between them. Afterward he brought her lunch on a tray, and she lay in bed looking comfortable and happy and relaxed. “Why are you so good to me?”

“I don't know. I must love you a lot.”

“Me too.” She smiled happily. “Did you really mean that about a new house?” The idea delighted her, but she didn't want to push. She knew how much the old one meant to him and how much effort he had put into it, standing behind Anne. But in Mel's mind, it would always be Anne's house, not even his, but Anne's. Even now.

“Yes, I did.” She beamed and finished lunch, and then they got up and went for a drive, and here and there they saw a house they liked, but none of them were for sale.

“You know, it could take us years to find the right place.”

“We have the time.”

She nodded, feeling relaxed, and enjoying the Sunday afternoon. The next weekend was the Fourth of July. And it was then that they saw the perfect house for them. “My God!”—Mel looked at Peter as they walked around for a second time—“it's huge.”

“This may come as a shock to you, Mrs. Hallam, but we have six kids.”

“Five and a half.” She smiled, but there were rooms for each of them, with studies for both Peter and Mel to use whenever they worked at home, there was a handsome garden, an enormous pool, and little pool house for the kids to use with their friends. It had absolutely everything they wanted and it was still in Bel-Air, which Peter preferred.

“Well, Mrs. Hallam?”

“I don't know, Doctor. What do you think? Can we afford it?”

“Probably not. But once we sell my house we can.” It was the first he had admitted it was his, not theirs, and Mel grinned. She loved the new house. “Why don't we make a down payment on it?” But it was a project in which they would both have to invest, otherwise they couldn't manage it, and that suited Mel just fine. She wanted something that was equally theirs, hers as well as his, and she still had her money from the house in New York to invest. They put their house on the market the following week, and it didn't sell until Labor Day, but the other one was still there.

“Let's see.” Peter glanced at the calendar as they closed on the new house. “The baby's due November twenty-eighth … today is September third … you go on leave from the network in four weeks. That gives you exactly two months to get this place in shape for us, and with any luck at all we'll be in by Thanksgiving.” He looked totally matter-of-fact and Mel laughed at him.

“Are you kidding? It'll take months.” Even though the place was in perfect shape, they wanted to paint and change the wallpapers, alter the garden here and there, they had to pick out fabrics and order drapes … new carpeting … “Dream on.”

Peter looked surprised. “Don't you want your baby born in the new house?” In truth, she did, the nesting instinct was strong, but she still had three major interviews to do before she left on her four-month leave.

“It's your baby too, by the way.”

“Our baby.” And with that, his beeper went off, and the real estate agent stared at them.

“Don't you two ever stop?”

“Not much.” Mel smiled. They were almost used to it after being married for eight months, during which time he had done nineteen heart transplants, countless bypasses, and she had done twenty-one major interviews and the news five nights a week. And predictably, the show's ratings had gone up. Peter had gone to call his office in another room just then, and he came rushing back and kissed Mel good-bye.

“I've got to go. We have a heart.” It was a donor they had desperately been waiting for, and he had almost given up hope. “Will you finish here?” She nodded and he vanished, and they heard his car speed away, as the real estate agent shook his head again and Mel only smiled.

CHAPTER 33

“… and thank you, God, for my Grandma”—he looked around sheepishly and grinned as he lowered his voice— “and my new bike. Amen.” The entire Thanksgiving table laughed. Matthew had turned seven that week, and his grandmother had given him a brand-new red bike. And then suddenly he clasped his hands again and squeezed his eyes shut. “And thank you for Mel too.” He looked apologetically at Val and Jess after that, but it was too late to start again. Everyone was dying to attack their food. Peter had already carved the turkey, and Pam had cooked her favorite recipe for candied yams. The twins had helped with the rest, and everyone was in a festive mood, including Mel, who claimed she had no room for anything. The baby felt huge now. Peter had teased her for the past two months that it was twins again, but the doctor swore that it was not. He could only hear one heart this time, and despite her age, she had opted not to have the amniotic-fluid test, so they had no idea what the baby was. But whatever it was, it was large. It was due in another two days, and most of all, Mel was grateful to have Thanksgiving with them. She had been worried that she would be in the hospital by then. And although they had a new housekeeper, she had wanted the day off, so Mel had cooked the dinner herself.

“Seconds anyone?” Peter looked around with a contented smile. His latest transplant patient was doing well. And they had moved into the new house three weeks before. They could still smell fresh paint all around them, but they didn't seem to mind. Everything looked beautiful and fresh, and each of them had their own rooms, even the new baby whose room was already filled with toys they all had bought. Matthew had contributed a teddy bear and an old set of cowboy guns, and without saying a word to Mel, Pam had knitted a little dress for the baby to wear home from the hospital. She had been desperately nervous about doing it right, and the entire family knew about the project except Mel, who cried when she opened the gift on her last day at work, when she came home, feeling the letdown of her last Friday-night news for a while.

It had taken them all almost a year to settle down, and in some ways they never would. She would always be dashing off to cover the news, and Peter would be gone at two A.M. to try to repair another damaged heart. But there was something different between them all now. It was a stronger bond than had been there before. They had survived a lot in a year, the threats on Mel, the disastrous romance between Val and Mark … the new baby … the threat the new marriage presented to them all … even the ghost of Anne. Mel had brought the portrait with them; it hung in Pam's room now and it looked well there, and her furniture from New York was unpacked and out of storage at long last.

“Happy, love?” Peter smiled down at her as they sat by the fire in their room. The children were all downstairs in the huge playroom near the pool, playing games and having fun. And Mel looked up at Peter and took his hand.

“Yes, except I ate too much.”

“It doesn't even show.” They both laughed at the enormous bulge which seemed to shift slightly from side to side as Mel watched the baby kick. It seemed to do that constantly these days, and she was ready to be rid of it. Especially after tonight. With Thanksgiving done, she felt free to have the child, she told Peter as they went to bed that night. “Don't say that tonight, or he'll hear you and come out.” They both laughed and went to bed, and two hours later, Mel got up and felt a familiar pain in her lower back. She got up and sat down in a chair, but all she wanted to do was walk around. She wandered downstairs and looked out into the garden that would be pretty the following spring, but already looked nice now, and sat down in their living room, feeling it was their home, and not just his or hers, but something they had built together and started fresh, like a whole new life.

She went back to their bedroom then, and tried to lie down again, but the baby was kicking too hard and suddenly she felt a short searing pain in her lower abdomen and she gave a small gasp. She sat up and waited to see what would come next, and suddenly there was another pain, and with a feeling of exultation, she touched Peter's hand.

“Hmm?” He barely stirred, and it was only four o'clock.

“Peter.” She whispered his name after the third pain came. She knew it would be hours, but she didn't want to be alone. She wanted to share the excitement of it all with him. This was the moment they had waited for, Peter most of all.

“What?” He suddenly picked up his head and looked at her more seriously. “Maybe it's just a false alarm.” She looked down at her enormous stomach and laughed, but the laughter was brief as another pain came, this time joined with a searing arc that shot across her back. She gasped and grabbed his hand, and he supported her as she breathed. And when the pain was over he looked at the clock. “How often are you getting them?”

She laughed again and looked at him with love in her eyes. “I don't know. I forgot to look.”

“Oh my God.” He sat up in bed. Hearts he knew, but babies were something else to him, and he had been secretly nervous about her for nine months. “How long have you been up then?”

“I don't know. Most of the night.” It was five o'clock by then.

“How long were you in labor with the twins?”

“Hell, I don't know. That was seventeen and a half years ago. A while, I guess.”

“You're a big help.” He sat up, still keeping an eye on her. “I'll call the doctor. You get dressed.” She had another pain this time, and it seemed longer than the ones before. He was panicking but he didn't want it to show. He did not want to deliver his own child at home. He wanted her at the hospital in case anything went wrong. “Go on.” He helped her up, and she came back a minute later with a vague look.

“What'll I wear?”

“For chrissake, Mel! Anything … jeans … a dress …” She was smiling to herself as she padded off again, and then the waters broke, and she called out to him from the bathroom where she stood wrapped in towels. The obstetrician told Peter to bring her in right away, and they left a note for the kids on the kitchen table where they'd all see it when they got up. “Gone to pick baby up at hospital, Love, Mom” she wrote with a smile, as Peter urged her out the door. “Will you hurry up?”

“Why?” She looked supremely calm and Peter envied her.

“Because I don't want to deliver our child in our new car.” He had finally sold Anne's Mercedes and bought a new one for Mel.

“Why not?”

“Never mind, smartass, never mind.” But he had never felt closer to her as he drove the familiar route he drove so often late at night, and as he walked her into the hospital and wheeled her into the maternity ward, he was unbearably proud.

“I can walk, you know.”

“Why walk if you can ride?” But the banter barely covered up all that he felt for her. A thousand thoughts were rushing through his head and he was praying that everything was all right. The baby looked awfully large to him, and he had been wondering about a Caesarean. He asked the obstetrician about it again just outside the labor room, and his old friend patted his arm.

“She's fine, you know. She's doing just fine.” By then it was almost eight o'clock, and she had been in labor for five or six hours.

“How much longer do you think it'll take?” He spoke sotto voce so Mel wouldn't hear and the doctor smiled.

A while.”

“You sound like Mel.” Peter glared at him and they went back inside. Mel said she wanted to push, and the obstetrician said it was too soon, but when he looked again, he saw that things had progressed by leaps and bounds in the last half hour, and he had her wheeled into the delivery room, where she turned red-faced and pushed ferociously as Peter and the nurses urged her on.

“I can see the baby's head, Mel.” The doctor crowed and she beamed.

“You can?” Her face was dripping wet and her hair looked more than ever like flame against the white drapes, and Peter had never loved her more, as she pushed again, and suddenly they heard a cry. Peter took one long step to see the baby born, and the tears poured down his face as he smiled.

“Oh, Mel … it's so beautiful …”

“What is it?” But she had to push again.

“We don't know yet.” Everybody laughed and then suddenly the shoulders came out, the body, hips, and legs … “A girl!”

“Oh, Mel.” Peter returned to her head and kissed her full on the mouth and she laughed and cried with him, and they handed the baby to her. He knew how much she had wanted a boy, but she no longer seemed to remember that as she held her daughter in her arms, and then suddenly she made an awful face and grabbed Peter's arm, as someone gently took the baby from her.

“Oh … God … that hurts …”

“It's just the placenta now.” The doctor looked unconcerned, and then Peter saw him frown, and a ripple of panic ran down his limbs. Something was happening to her, and she was in hideous pain again, even more so than before.

“Oh … Peter … I can't …”

“Yes, you can.” The doctor spoke softly to her as Peter held her hand, and he wondered why the hell they didn't put her out and see what was wrong, and suddenly as she pushed with all her might there was another wail and Peter's eyes grew wide, and Mel stared at him, already knowing what had happened.

“Not again …” Peter still didn't understand and the doctor was laughing now, and suddenly there was another wail, and then Peter knew, and he began to laugh too. She had had twins again, and no one knew, just as they hadn't with Jess and Val. She looked up at him half rueful, half amused. “Doubles again.”

“Yes, ma'am.” The doctor handed the baby to Peter this time, who held him with a look of awe and then presented him to Mel to hold. “Madam”—the love spilled from his eyes as they met hers—“your son.”

Published by

Dell Publishing

a division of

Random House, Inc.

1540 Broadway

New York, New York 10035

Copyright © 1983 by Danielle Steel

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the Publisher, except where permitted by law.

The trademark Dell® is registered in the U.S. Patent and

Trademark Office.

eISBN: 978-0-307-56637-9

August 1989

a cognizant original v5 release october 19 2010

Table of Contents

CRITICAL RAVES FOR DANIELLE STEEL

Also by Danielle Steel

Books by Danielle Steel

Acknowledgment

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 19

CHAPTER 20

CHAPTER 21

CHAPTER 22

CHAPTER 23

CHAPTER 24

CHAPTER 25

CHAPTER 26

CHAPTER 27

CHAPTER 28

CHAPTER 29

CHAPTER 30

CHAPTER 31

CHAPTER 32

CHAPTER 33