Charlie All Night

6

“Price-fixing drove the mom and pops out of business.” Charlie repeated, and Allie tried to distract him.

“Maybe if we had some food-”

“It’s illegal.” He fell back onto the bed so that his head landed in her lap.

Allie loved the weight of his head on her thighs, so she began to stroke his hair so he’d stay there. What a wonderful night it had turned out to be. The callers alone had been spectacular.

Charlie kept his eyes closed, obsessing over the show. “That one old guy said they didn’t do anything about it five years ago because they couldn’t get enough evidence. Did you hear him say that?”

“Yes, Charlie.” Allie said. “I can’t believe all those people called in. Who would have thought so many of those little-grocery owners would have been listening at midnight like that?”

“Who would have thought?” Charlie turned his head to glare up at her. “Did you have anything to do with that?”

“Well…”

Charlie sat up. “Did you call them?”

“No!” Allie tried to look outraged, but it was hard since she was at least partially guilty. “I didn’t know them. How would I have known them?”

“What did you do?” His tone brooked no babbling.

“What makes you think-”

“Because you play those phones the way Glenn Gould played the piano.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “You called Harry’s show and asked about carburetors and gears today, didn’t you?”

Allie glared at him. “Don’t you dare tell him that. I only called twice, all the others did it on their own.”

Charlie glared back. “Well, that was swell of you. Now, what did you do to me tonight?”

She took a deep breath, and he said, “Allie? The truth.”

Allie winced and surrendered. “Well, I did mention to the first guy who called in that if there were others like him, it would be a lot more effective if they called in, too.”

“Terrific.” Charlie collapsed back into her lap again. “Why don’t you just shoot me? I have to play ‘River of Dreams’ every hour because of you and now this.”

“You don’t want Samson to die, do you?”

“Sam now eats like you do. I don’t think death is an option anymore unless he ODs on formula.”

Allie was already pursuing another train of thought. “You know, that lawyer who called in about racketeering charges was something.”

Charlie moaned, his face hopeless.

Allie took pity on him. It was cruel to be happy when he was in hell. “Well, people called in about other things, too, remember. There was that guy who wanted to know what poem of Tennyson’s you quoted. And the lady who called in when you made fun of the way I eat and said all women should look like the ones in Rubens’ paintings.” Then she gave up and grinned in triumph. “And Johnson from the Tribune. I can’t believe the paper is sending out an investigative reporter. Isn’t it amazing how many people are listening to your show? It just shows how popular you are.”

“I don’t want to be popular,” Charlie said through his teeth.

Allie shifted on the bed as she prepared to move in for the kill. He was becoming a household word against his will; if she could talk him into helping her, she could take him national. “You know, Charlie. This may just be God’s way of telling you that you’re destined for success. I mean, there are DJ’s who would kill their mothers to get this kind of publicity, and you’re just doing it by luck. After this, your ratings are going to go through the roof.” He groaned and she stroked his hair again. “Just lie back and enjoy it, love. This is a free ride.”

Charlie closed his eyes and tried not to relax under her hand. He didn’t want publicity. He didn’t want high ratings. Those waves he wasn’t supposed to be making were at his knees and climbing.

But Allie wouldn’t understand unless he told her everything about why he was here.

And he wasn’t going to tell her everything. If he did, she’d join the investigation and they’d end up right where Bill didn’t want them, on the front page of the Tuttle Tribune.

He opened his eyes and looked up at her. “We have to keep this as quiet as possible.”

Allie glared down at him, exasperated. “Why? This is great. I just don’t see the problem.” Then her expression grew wary as she thought of something. “Well, come to think of it, I might see one problem.”

Charlie felt cold. “What?”

“Well, gossip has it that the FoodStops are mob-connected.”

Charlie sat up. “In Tuttle?”

Allie patted his shoulder. “It’s probably just gossip.”

“Oh, no. The mob would be just my luck.” He heaved himself off the bed and started for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“To drown myself in the bathtub.”

“Hey!” Allie protested. “Where’s the food? You said you’d stop at McCarthy’s on the way home.”

“I didn’t get any.”

“Well then, where’s the sex?”

Charlie opened the door and turned back to her. “You’re not getting any, either. I’m depressed.” He closed the door behind him.

Allie sat and listened through the wall until he turned the water on, and then she went in and seduced him in the tub so he wouldn’t drown himself.

Charlie was still down the next morning. He did snort at breakfast when he heard Mark on the radio introduce himself as “Mark All Morning”-“Well, he’s trying,” Allie told him-but then Joe passed him the Tuttle Tribune and the headline “Disk Jockey Sparks Investigation Into City Building” depressed him so much he only had two helpings of Joe’s yeast-raised pancakes.

“I suppose this isn’t the best time to tell you that you’re doing a promotional appearance tomorrow,” Allie said when he’d wiped the last of the syrup from his plate with the last of his pancake.

“In a pig’s eye.” Charlie stayed bent over his empty plate. “I told you-”

“You were interested in the college,” Allie said as persuasively as she could. “Harry’s going-”

Charlie’s head came up. “The college?” He thought for a moment. The college kids were joking about the stickers. It was a lousy lead, but it was something. “All right. I’ll do the college.”

The phone rang and Joe went to get it, while Allie stared it him in surprise. “You’ll do it?”

“Don’t push your luck,” he told her. “I’m not going to make a habit of this.”

Allie nodded, obviously cheered he was going. Then Joe came back and said, “That was Bill. He’d like to see both of you this afternoon at four.”

“Oh, hell,” Allie said. “Very probably,” Joe said.

Allie winced as Bill glared at them both with equal disgust. “What I want to know is who died and made you two Ralph Nader?”

“Ralph Nader’s still alive,” Allie said.

Charlie kicked her on the ankle. “It was an accident, Bill. We didn’t know…”

“Well, then shut up,” Bill roared at him.

“Now wait a minute.” Allie stood up, determined not to give in. She had a show to save, and for once, she was in the right morally, too. “That FoodStop person bought up half a dozen grocery stores and then cut prices below cost just to ruin the little stores. And when they were all gone, he raised prices and he’s been gouging Tuttle ever since. For five years. Anybody knows prices are cheaper in Riverbend, but only people with time and money can get there to stock up. He’s preying on the poor and-”

“Sit down,” Bill said and she sat.

“Do you know who the FoodStop person is?” Bill asked her with deceptive gentleness.

Allie stopped, sure she wasn’t going to like finding out who the FoodStop person was. “No.”

“Roger Preston.”

Oh, terrific. Allie’s chin came up. “Well, I hope you’ve won a lot of money off him in those poker games, because he’s a crook.”

Charlie slumped back in his chair. “You’re kidding. Another poker player?”

“I’m gonna be playing solitaire if you two don’t knock it off.” Bill snarled. He stabbed a finger at Charlie. “This is not what I hired you for.”

“Well, of course it is.” Allie went back into action, protecting her star. “This is exactly what you hired him for. I can’t wait to see the ratings.”

“Young lady-”

“And Beattie loved it,” Allie said, saving her killer shot for last. “Absolutely loved it.”

Bill closed his eyes. “I wish she’d go back to the garden club.”

“She’s going to do an editorial on the news tonight,” Allie said.

Bill’s eyes flew open. “No, she is not.”

“Well, you better tell her, then,” Allie said.

Bill leaned forward, scowling at them so hard his eyebrows meshed into one white strip of fur across his forehead. “You let me handle Beattie. And from now on, don’t answer the phone.”

“But Bill-” Allie stopped midsentence when Charlie took her hand and jerked her up out of the chair.

“You got it,” he told the older man. “No phones. Well tell people they’re down for the night. By Monday, everybody will have forgotten. Come on, Al.”

“Wait a minute,” Allie said, but he pulled her out of the office still protesting.

‘‘We’ve got a great show here,” she fumed at him. “And you’re shooting it in the foot. Why can’t you-”

“Repeat after me,” he said as he dragged her down the hall past Marcia, the afternoon DJ, and Mark who were arguing about something. “Controversy is bad.”

“Great show, Charlie,” Marcia called back to them. “Everybody’s talking about it.”

“Terrific,” Charlie muttered and picked up speed.

Allie looked back over her shoulder at Mark. He did not look happy. She tried not to feel good about that but it was hopeless, so she beamed at Mark as Charlie towed her away.

Life just kept getting better and better.

It was almost midnight when Charlie saw Allie wave to him through the glass. He was still annoyed with her, but it was hard to maintain. It wasn’t her fault he’d stumbled over the worst case of greed that Tuttle had ever seen.

He motioned her in.

“Nice boring show,” she told him, and he rolled his eyes at her.

“Don’t start. What have you got for me?”

Allie handed some papers over, and he frowned at them. “Here’s the title for that guy who wanted the Tennyson allusion. It was really Wordsworth. And here’s the print of Rubens’ Rape of the Sabines. I forget why you wanted that. This is radio.”

Charlie studied the print, a painting of ample bodies spilling all over a horse. “That woman last night who said it was okay you eat like a locust also said the problem with men is that all we look at are pictures of skinny women. She said if we put Rubens’ work up instead of Hugh Hefner’s, we’d all be better for it.” He held the print up beside Allie so that he could see them together and squinted between her and the print. “You need to put on some weight.”

“Good. I’ll start now.” She picked up what was left of the cheeseburger he’d brought into the booth with him and chomped into it. “You need anything else?”

“Nope.” The tape ended and he went back to the mike. “And now, for all you William Wordsworth fans who have probably been trying to call in on our dysfunctional phones and tell me that yesterday’s mystery quote was not Tennyson, ‘Getting and spending we lay waste our powers’ is from Wordsworth’s The World Is Too Much With Us. Will dashed off that little ditty in 1807, but it’s still relevant today.”

A pickle oozed out of the cheeseburger Allie was eating and flopped onto her blouse, leaving a mustard trail on the white rayon as it toppled over the swell of her breast.

“Oh, great,” Allie said next to the mike, and then winced at her mistake.

“And that was the voice of Alice McGuffey, my producer.” Charlie grinned at her. “Usually this is a one-man show, but Allie just dropped a pickle with mustard on her blouse. What’s the blouse made of, Al?”

“Rayon. Dry-clean only, hold the mustard.”

“Anybody out there with a surefire method for getting mustard out of rayon, call in and save Allie’s blouse. She doesn’t get paid enough here to buy a new one. Oh, you can’t call in, the phones are down. Well, write. And now a nostalgic wake-up call since it’s after midnight, bedbugs-2 Live Crew.”

Allie glared at him, and he shoved the cassette slide up while he tried to figure out what he’d done wrong this time.

“What?” he said to her. “It’s not my fault you ripped off my hamburger and got slimed with mustard.” He got out of his chair, stretched and sat down on the counter to get a better look at her. She was actually glowering. He moved back a little farther until his butt hit the soundboard. She was fun to watch when she was mad, but he was still a prudent man.

“2 Live Crew?” Allie sputtered. “You’re playing 2 Live Crew?”

“Yes, Allie,” Charlie said patiently. “I’m playing 2 Live Crew. It’s my show. I do the playlist.”

“I can’t believe it.” Allie smacked the hamburger down on the console. “And I thought you were an okay guy.”

“I am an okay guy. I have testimonials.” Charlie leaned back to enjoy the argument, since for once it wasn’t about making him a star.

Allie was visibly steaming. “2 Live Crew are sexist psychopaths and you give them airtime.”

“Hey, it’s a free country. The first Amendment…”

“The first Amendment doesn’t give men the right to sing about attacking women. It doesn’t give-”

“Well, actually, it does.” Charlie said, and Allie turned bright red. “Hold it.” Charlie warded her off with his hand. “Just hold it. You’re saying I should censor what goes on the air?”

“This is your show,” Allie steamed. “What you play reflects your tastes. You have a responsibility-”

“I have a responsibility to play music that appeals to a lot of different people. 2 Live Crew may not be my favorite group, but…”

“Oh. Right.” Allie was so mad her eyebrows fused over her nose. “A lot of different music? So when are you going to play Barry Manilow?”

Charlie snorted. “I will die before I play Barry Manilow.”

Allie leaned closer. “According to you, that’s censorship.”

“No, it’s not,” Charlie said, trying not to be annoyed. “I don’t object to what he’s saying. It’s just lousy music.”

“But you have a responsibility to play music that appeals to a lot of different people,” Allie pressed on. “You just said so.”

“Not Barry Manilow.”

“So you’ll play psychopathic music that advocates hurting women but you won’t play mediocre music that advocates loving them.”

“Allie, don’t twist this-”

Allie jerked back from him, glaring. “You know what you are? You’re just like Mark.”

Charlie jerked his head back, outraged. “Hey, watch your mouth, woman.”

“You have no respect for women. You’re amused by the woman’s movement and you think-”

“I love women’s movements. Come on, Allie…”

“Don’t patronize me,” Allie shouted. “I can’t believe you’re-”

“Ah, Allie, have a heart,” Charlie said. “It’s no big deal.”

“-such a yuppie scum dweeb,” Allie finished and stomped out of the room.

He started to follow her and then realized he couldn’t leave the booth. “Allie, come back here.”

Somebody moved toward the booth through the shadows of the production room, but it didn’t look anything like Allie.

“Uh, Charlie.” Stewart, the night engineer, looking more like a peeled egg then ever, came to stand in the doorway, looking sleepy but interested. “I was just in the break room, and I realized you probably didn’t know.”

“Know what?” Charlie frowned at him.

“You’re on the air.” Stewart shrugged. “It’s good stuff, but-”

“The tape can’t be over yet,” Charlie looked around frantically.

“It never started.”

“Oh, hell.” Charlie put the headphones back on. Sure enough, no 2 Live Crew. He looked at the mike slide and closed his eyes when he saw it was up. “Uh, for those of you listening at home, Alice McGuffey has just walked out in a huff. And for the record, she does a very nice huff. She overreacts, though. And now, let’s try that 2 Live Crew again, shall we? This is for all you yuppie scum dweebs out there who dig rap. There must be at least two of you.”

He punched the tape again and listened. Silence. “All right,” he said into the mike, “we won’t do rap. Seems we have a defective tape. Let’s try Elvis since he was on deck next, anyway.” He punched the next tape, shoved the slide up and heard absolutely nothing.

Then he looked at Stewart. “Go get me a tape. Any tape. Now.” Then as Stewart disappeared, he spoke into the mike. “Well, it’s a darn shame our phones are down because this would sure make one heck of a call-in topic. Send in those postcards, folks, and vote your preference, Manilow or Crew. Although, come to think of it, that is a pretty lousy choice. Maybe I’ll try something different.” He babbled on about some of the other choices he could have made, feeling like a fool and developing a real need for revenge on whoever had wiped his tapes. When Stewart came loping back and thrust a CD at him, he shoved it into the player. “Or we could play something good like this one.”

Frank Sinatra began to sing “My Way.”

Charlie looked at Stewart. “You’re kidding.”

“I like Frank.” Stewart shoved a handful of CDs at him. “Here’s more new ones. Want me to check to see if anything you’ve got in here has music on it?”

“That would be good.” Charlie put his head in his hands. “This is a disaster.”

Stewart dropped the new CDs on the counter and picked up the old tapes. “Not really. You had your mike slide shoved up so people could hear you talk. That’s good.”

Charlie looked at him as if he were demented, always a possibility with Stewart. “How is that good?”

“Because if you hadn’t, you’da had yourself some dead air. Nothing’s worse than dead air.”

Charlie shook his head. “I suppose not. What’s wrong with the tapes?”

Stewart picked up the one on the top of his stack and looked at it. “Doesn’t look like anything’s wrong. It’s one of our old tapes, all right. Must go back five or six years. Maybe it was too old.”

“I played it this afternoon,” Charlie said.

Stewart shrugged. “Maybe somebody erased it. I’ll check all of them, but I bet somebody did it on purpose. Not everybody likes you, you know. The mayor, for instance.”

Charlie snorted. “You trying to tell me that Rollie Whitcomb snuck in here and erased my tapes so I’d have dead air? Come on. The man can barely drive a car.”

Stewart shrugged again. “You asked.”

Charlie tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling. “So Allie and I just broadcast our 2 Live Crew fight to greater Tuttle. All right. That’s okay. I can’t possibly get in trouble for this. Unless the FCC bars ‘yuppie scum dweeb’, in which case, pay the fine. I’m covered on this. I am not in trouble.”

Somehow, though, he knew he was.

That was just the way his life was going.

Stewart left the booth. A few minutes later, while Charlie was figuring out the angles, the phone rang, and he picked it up out of habit.

Charlie got home that night, Allie was already in bed in the dark. He got a beer, undressed, and climbed in beside her, touching the cold can to her back.

“Get out,” she said and drew away from him.

“It’s the yuppie scum dweeb. Wake up.” He drank a third it the beer in one gulp and then put the cold can against his forehead.

“Go sleep on the couch.”

“Oh, no, Alice.” He put the can on the table beside the bed, turned on the light and rolled her over to face him.

“You can’t for a minute think I’m going to have sex with you.” She tried to push him away. “You can’t possibly…”

“After you left, Stewart, who has not been paying attention, noticed the phones were down. So he turned them on. We got over a dozen calls in less than an hour. Roughly speaking, fifty-five percent were in favor of you, forty-two percent were in favor of me and three percent wanted to know exactly what a yuppie scum dweeb was.”

“Send them your picture.” Allie rolled away from him.

He rolled her back. “One person suggested baking soda for the mustard on your blouse.”

“Why are we discussing this?” Allie asked, and the edge in her voice told him she was still mad and not just faking it.

Charlie sighed. “Because we have a meeting with Bill on Monday. For once in his worthless life, he was listening to the show to make sure we didn’t do anything stupid, and you go berserk on the air.” He shook his head and picked up his beer. “He was not happy when he talked with me.”

Allie rolled back over and buried her face in her pillow. “Good. Maybe you’ll get fired. Then you won’t have to worry about success anymore, and you can stop screwing up my life and the lives of those around you by playing Nazi music.”

“That does it.” Charlie picked up his pillow and stood up, pulling the quilt with him.

“Hey!” Allie sat up and grabbed for the quilt, but he was too fast for her.

“If you want me, I’d be on the couch,” he said over his shoulder.

“I may never want you again,” Allie yelled after him.

“Ha.” He turned to look down at her superciliously from the door. “You’ll probably be out on the couch with me by morning.”

“Ha yourself, you yuppie scum. Don’t hold your breath waiting. Your brain needs all the oxygen it can get.”

Charlie slammed the door behind him, and Allie flopped back down in the bed, put the pillow over her head and screamed with fury and frustration.