Daredevil’s Run

Chapter 5

Matt heard the shouts as he went over the side, and ignored them.

Surfacing, he yelled, “Throw me the line!” He shut out of his mind the vision of his brother’s face peering down at him, pale with shock and fear, and focused on Alex’s furious one instead. “Dammit, Alex, give it to me-now!”

Then the bag was arcing through the air above him, and he reached up and snagged the line and got it around his chest and snugged up tight. He got a bead on the head he could just see drifting toward him, riding the current at what seemed an impossible speed, and struck out swimming crosscurrent to intercept. Swimming harder than he’d ever done in his life, knowing if he missed the rendezvous…

Missing the rendezvous wasn’t an option.

Then he had the man in his arms.

“Hold on, buddy-I’ve got you.” Did he say it out loud, or only in his mind?

He felt Tahoe’s broad body, slippery and cold in its wet suit, turned him and hugged him tight to his own chest. He felt the pull of the rope fighting hard against the pull of the river, and let others fight that battle while he concentrated on keeping the river guide’s head above water. He could hear yells of encouragement above the rush and roar of the river, coming closer and closer, and then hands were reaching for him, reaching down to grab hold of Tahoe’s arms.

Matt lifted from below with all his strength, and with everyone pulling from above, they managed to pull the big man into the boat without capsizing it. For a moment, then, Matt clung to the side of the boat and rested his forehead against the giving rubber fabric and hauled air into his lungs in great hungry gulps. Then he let himself lie back in the cradle of his life vest and give in to the rocking of the current, while a wave of euphoria washed over him.

You did it, man. You’re not done yet. Not by a long shot.

“Hey, buddy, were you planning on getting back in the boat?”

It was Cory, grinning, reaching down to him. He reached up with his gloved hand and took his brother’s hand and felt a leap in his chest because that felt so good. Then Sam was there, too, grabbing hold of his life vest, and with the help of the two of them, Matt got himself hauled up and over the side. Sprawled in the bottom of the boat and breathing hard, he threw off the safety line, raked back his wet hair and said, “How is he?”

Alex didn’t answer. She had the first-aid kit open and was trying to stem the flow of blood from a gash in the big man’s scalp with a wad of gauze bandage. Trying to keep her hands from shaking.

She’d never lost a client. Or a guide. But today-

Today you would have. She tried the mental equivalent of clamping her hands over her ears, which didn’t keep her from hearing any better than it did in the actual physical world. If it hadn’t been for Matt.

Tahoe lifted a hand to his head and growled feebly, “Cut it out. I’m okay-just a scratch.”

“Like hell,” Alex growled back, batting his hand away. “This is gonna need stitches-at least. Probably a concussion. And look at your arm. No-jeez, don’t move it! Looks like it could be broken.” She threw a furious look over her shoulder at the rest of them. “Get those paddles in the water. We’re taking out. There’s a spot just downriver. I’ll need to call for a chopper. No way he’s gonna be able to finish the run.”

“What? Hey, wait-I’m okay, Alex-”

She jerked back to Tahoe. “Shut up-I mean it. I’m your boss, remember? One more word and you’re fired. I swear to God.”

You almost lost him, Alex. You couldn’t have reached him with the boat in time, not with only three other paddles in the water. If Matt hadn’t gone in…

If Matt hadn’t been here…

We wouldn’t be on this damn run!

Furious, she snatched up the oars. “Forward-right! Left-back!”

She’d let the roar of the river and the splash of the oars and the rush of her blood through her veins drown the voice in her head. The one that kept saying his name.

Mattie…Mattie…

Matt knew the spot where they took out for the emergency pickup. He wondered if Alex remembered.

They’d scouted it, the two of them, back when they were first talking about adding the Class V run. They’d decided it was too small and too close to the start of the run for a camping spot, but would do for an emergency take-out. Like this one.

They’d also discovered a cozy little nook behind the boulders that lined the river’s edge. A protected spot, with a thick carpet of sun-warmed pine straw over which they’d spread every article of clothing they had, and it had still been prickly as hell. Matt had done the chivalrous thing, of course, which Alex gave him no credit for since she liked being on top anyway. But afterward, she’d made him roll over and she’d kissed the places where the pine needles had left their marks on his skin. Kissed and licked them…every single one.

He wondered if Alex remembered. He sure as hell did.

He’d elected to stay in the boat with Tahoe while Alex hiked up to higher ground to find a signal for the satellite phone. Cory and Sam had gone off in opposite directions to find some privacy, after having been reminded of the two basic rules of wilderness comfort stops: One, watch for rattlesnakes, and two, leave no trace. Matt and Tahoe had made desultory conversation for a while, until it became obvious the guide was in some serious pain and not really up to the effort.

So he’d had plenty of time to think about it. To remember.

To remember making love in the warm pine needles and then swimming naked in the icy-cold river, whooping and shrieking like kids. Lying on the rocks in the sun afterward to warm up, and forgetting to put sunscreen on the exposed places. Singing Bruce Springsteen songs and Alex teasing him about being old enough to remember when “Born to Run” first came out…

To remember the day the memories always returned to, sooner or later. Their last day, as it turned out.

It was a good day. We were so excited, driving up to the meadow. Talking about how great it was going to be, adding rock climbing to Penny Tours’s schedule, and how the meadow would make a great base camp. We spent the night there in the shadow of the Devil’s Fortress, made love under the stars. I can still remember the way her skin smelled…the way her mouth tasted. We were good together, when we weren’t arguing.

It had been so good that day. Which was probably why he’d gotten to thinking about making it official.

Thinking about it, he could probably have gotten away with. Talking about it-that was his big mistake.

He could see Alex coming back down the hill in a hurry, slipping and sliding around the boulders and bull pines. She joined him, only a little out of breath, with her long dark braid over one shoulder and wisps of damp curls sticking to her flushed face. Her skin was all warm colors…autumn colors: golden tan, cinnamon brown and the deep blush pink of old roses.

And it hit him then, with the sharp sense of loss he’d thought he was long past: he was never going to make love with her in that secluded spot among the boulders again. Never go there, with her or anyone else, or even see it…ever again. He’d have to be able to walk to do that.

“Okay, the chopper’s on its way.” Alex tipped her head toward Tahoe, who was leaning back against the side of the boat with his injured arm cradled across his waist, and lowered her voice. “How’s he doing?”

“Hangin’in,” Tahoe replied, without opening his eyes.

“Hey, Alex.” Matt felt restless, antsy all of a sudden. He nodded toward his chair. “Think you can help me with that?”

She looked startled, opened her mouth, then closed it again and shrugged. “Sure.” Carefully not looking at him. “What do I do? Just…You want it-”

“Just lift it out of the boat. Unfold it. Set it down as close to the boat as you can.”

His insides cringed, and if he’d been able, he’d have done what his body’s defense system yearned to do-get the hell away. But he’d learned a long time ago he couldn’t run away from what was. It is what it is, Alex.

He clamped his teeth together and focused on what had to be done.

Alex picked up the chair and lifted it out of the boat. It was surprisingly light. She unfolded and placed it carefully on the hard-packed decomposed granite, mentally steeling herself for whatever came next.

It is what it is, Alex. He’s obviously okay with this, why can’t you be?

Because it hurts, dammit.

And if you let him see how much it hurts, you’ll never forgive yourself.

“Okay,” she said, straightening up and planting her hands on her hips, all business now. As if this were any other client. As if.

Looking at him was like looking straight into the sun. She wanted to close her eyes. Look away. “What now?”

He smiled at her, crookedly, as if he knew. “Just steady it. And stand by in case I need you.”

Oh God, please don’t make me watch this.

But she did watch. Watched him push his body up with the sheer strength of his arms and shoulders until he was sitting on the tube. Watched him swivel and reach for the chair, brace and maneuver himself into it. And somehow, it wasn’t awful at all. It was…amazing.

She’d expected to feel pity. Instead, she felt awe. She’d expected-no, feared-she’d feel revulsion, but instead she felt stirrings deep inside…an awakening of emotions she hadn’t allowed herself to feel in a very long time.

She was used to being around athletic, physically fit people, but even so, Matt’s arms and shoulders, chest, back and torso were…amazing. Rock-solid, sculpted muscle. His body was…beautiful.

“What?” The belligerence was reflexive, because she realized she’d been staring, and Matt was sitting there watching her with that crooked grin on his face. And a gleam in his eyes that made her insides quiver.

“What’s the matter, Alex? Didn’t you ever see a paralyzed man get into a wheelchair before?”

She shrugged and turned as he did, falling in beside him as naturally as if he’d been walking. “Not from a boat, anyway.”

He gave a snort. “It is-”

“If you say ‘It is what it is’ again, I’m gonna smack you.”

He laughed.

They moved slowly, away from the boat, as far as the terrain would allow. When they reached the place where piled boulders blocked the wheelchair’s path, Alex leaned her backside against the sun-warmed rock and scanned the rugged hillside. “So, where are the others?”

“Went looking for privacy.”

“What about you?” She didn’t look at him. “You don’t need-”

“Nah, I’m fine.” Alex tilted her head, cut her eyes at him. He grinned, then shrugged. “I’m okay for now.”

She laughed, and it felt good. Almost as good as she remembered it being with Matt. When they weren’t arguing. She drew a deep breath, knowing they were about to do it again.

“I’m canceling the run,” she said, at the same exact moment he said, “You’re not canceling the run.”

She let out the breath, and again they spoke together.

“Matt-”

“Alex-”

Alex raked her hand over the top of her head and muttered, “God, you’re just the same. Stubborn…”

“Hell, yeah, I’m stubborn.” There was an angry edge to his voice. “I didn’t get to this point with this thing-” he pounded the gloved heels of his hands on the wheels of his chair “-by quitting when things got tough.”

And yet, you did. You quit on me, dammit.

But she didn’t say that out loud, and silence fell like a wall between them.

Ah, hell. Matt closed his eyes and counted. Why does it always have to be like this between us, Alex? As close as we were-once-were we ever honest with each other?

He took a deep breath and said softly, “Alex, be honest-do you really want to quit? Don’t you want to keep going, too?”

She gave a short laugh. Looked at the ground, then at him. And did he imagine it, or had her eyes kindled for just a moment, the way they did sometimes, like live coals when a soft breath touches them?

She looked away again, nodding. “You did good out there,” she said stiffly, not looking at him. “Really good. You saved him-you know that, don’t you?”

“We did. We were good together, weren’t we?” Like old times. He waited for her to say it: I’ve missed you. I need you here. I want you to come back.

But she didn’t say it. Instead, Alex shaded her eyes and looked skyward, and they both listened to the staccato beat of the fire department chopper, making its way steadily toward them up the river canyon.

“I thought sure she was going to cancel the rest of the run,” Sam said. “Didn’t you?”

Cory didn’t reply.

They were standing on a huge boulder overlooking the river, arms around each other’s waists, watching the helicopter bank sharply and begin its long gradual climb out of the canyon. Down below them they could see Alex and Matt at the river’s edge, getting the boat ready to put in.

“Wonder why she didn’t?” She craned to look up at her husband. “Think maybe that’s a good sign?”

She felt him exhale. Looking out across the river, he said, “Lord, I sure do hope so.”

“You’re worried, aren’t you? Why-because of the accident? Seemed like Matt handled that real well.”

“You’re forgetting the reason you were in that kayak to begin with. I don’t know, Sam. Seems like too many things going wrong.”

Because she didn’t want to think too much about how it had felt, being at the mercy of the river, she poked him teasingly in the ribs. “Are you being paranoid, Pearse? Or just superstitious?”

He didn’t tease her back. The gravity of his voice sent a chill down her spine. “Not paranoid or superstitious, but maybe a wee bit…suspicious.”

She pulled away from him a little. “Pearse? What are you thinking?”

He glanced down at her, then quickly away. “I don’t know. I mean, you’d tell me if-”

The doubt in his voice jolted her. “Jeez, Pearse, you can’t think-no!”

“Tell me the truth, Sam.” His body felt rigid next to hers. “This isn’t the Philippines all over again, is it?”

“Listen to me,” she said, and her voice was low and even. “That was before you were my husband. I’d tell you if I had anything goin’ on. Especially if there was any chance it might put your brother in danger. I don’t know how you could think I wouldn’t.”

He exhaled, and she felt him relax as he kissed the top of her head. “I don’t. Not really.”

Her own heartbeat slowed to its normal rhythms and the prickles faded from her skin. But she wasn’t quite ready to let him off the hook. “Why would you mention it, then?”

“Because it sure does seem like somebody doesn’t want us to make this run,” Cory said quietly. “And I can’t for the life of me think why-or who.”

There were no more incidents, no more mishaps that day.

Because of the wait for the chopper, it was later than normal when they put in for the night, so everybody volunteered to help Alex with the food prep. She’d warned them it would have to be a wilderness camp, since a lot of their gear had had to be left behind with the malfunctioning oar boat. They’d have to make do without the folding table and chairs and tents. Nobody seemed to mind.

Cory and Sam unloaded supplies from the boat while Alex got the fire going and set up the camp stove and oven. She had baked brie, toasted sourdough bread and fresh raspberries ready by the time the unloading was done. Meanwhile, Matt made margaritas for everybody. Alex thought it was probably a toss-up, which was appreciated more.

It may have been partly the fault of the margaritas, but Alex realized she was actually enjoying herself. It was weird, but it felt almost like being part of a warm family gathering-at least, the way she’d always imagined that experience would be. Cory and Sam were telling stories about each other, affectionate or hilarious, embarrassing, maybe, but never mean, cracking each other up and making it impossible for anyone listening not to laugh along with them. Matt and Alex listened and laughed, and it felt so good to her, watching Matt laugh. Seeing that smile she remembered. So good.

Meanwhile, potatoes roasted in the coals and an apple pie baked in the Dutch oven, and Matt tended the grill, waiting for the right moment to put on the thick, lean beef tenderloin steaks. Fresh green salad stayed cold and crisp in the cooler, along with plenty of tequila and margarita mix and whipped cream for the pie. A few yards away, the river chuckled peacefully to itself on its way down the canyon, and an owl hooted in the gathering dusk.

I’m happy, Alex thought in surprise. Here, tonight, with these three people, I…am…happy.

And it came to her, because she knew at this moment how it felt to be happy, that she had not been for a very long time.

After dinner, Alex adamantly refused Cory and Sam’s offer to help with the cleanup.

“Okay if we go for a walk?” Cory then asked with studied innocence.

“Sure,” said Alex, wondering why they felt they had to ask.

He and his wife exchanged a secret look and went off, holding hands. Alex called after them, “Watch out for rattlesnakes. And don’t get lost…” Their laughter drifted back on the twilight breeze, and Alex felt a sharp pang of envy.

Then it hit her. That secret look. Could it be, that the reason for this whole crazy run…Could it be?

No.

But she hadn’t imagined it.

Her chest prickled. Her heartbeat quickened and heat flooded into her cheeks. She glanced sideways at Matt, wondering if he’d caught the look. Wondering if he had any idea what his brother and sister-in-law were up to.

“What?” he said, and she looked away quickly.

“Nothing…” She hitched in a breath. “They’re sure being good sports.”

“What’d you expect?” Matt’s smile was crooked. “None of this was your fault.”

“Yeah, but not everybody would have been so understanding.” She paused. “They even seem to be enjoying themselves.”

He bent down to open the cooler…dropped in a foil-wrapped package of leftovers and closed it again. He gave a short laugh as he straightened. “I imagine they’ve been in worse situations. A helluva lot worse. I mean, steak, margaritas and apple pie? Jeez, Alex.”

She felt the warmth leave her and a chilly disappointment take its place. She looked away and said distantly, “I just meant…Sam getting dunked…Tahoe almost-”

“I know what you meant. Sorry.” Matt’s voice was gentle. Then, in a different, almost conversational tone, “My brother’s seen some stuff. Did you know he spent several months in an Iraqi prison?”

“No!” Her braid snaked over one shoulder as she jerked her eyes back to him. “Really? Good Lord.”

“Yeah. And Sam’s kind of closemouthed about what it is she does, exactly, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been in a hairy situation or two herself. You know she’s a pilot, right?”

Alex shook her head. She was remembering Cory’s words, that day in the office, when he’d come to ask about Matt. “…I almost lost her, trying to keep my secrets.”

“Cory told me there were stories there-about her, the way they got together.” But she hadn’t asked. She hadn’t been able to think about anything except the fact that Matt was back in her life. After five years…

“Probably more than one,” Matt said dryly, and Alex smiled, remembering his brother had said almost the same thing. “What?” he demanded, seeing her smile.

Again, she shook her head and said, “Nothing.” Because there was so much she wanted to say and knew she never would.

She finished packing away the remains of dinner, silently handing things to Matt to put in the cooler. Securing the camp, setting up for breakfast. Doing things she’d done hundreds of times before. Things they’d done together, she and Matt, so many times before.

The ache inside her came from nowhere and quickly became intolerable.

Just before it turned, in self-defense, to anger, she heard the crunch of wheels on the hard-packed earth and felt the nearness of Matt’s body in the growing darkness.

“Alex.” His voice came barely above the whisper of the breeze in the pines. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” She said it more loudly than she meant to, turning to lean her backside against solid rock and fold her arms across her middle. “Jeez, Matt, I wouldn’t know where to start. You, this crazy run, Tahoe almost getting-”

“Yeah, look, why don’t you forget about the stuff I already know, and just tell me what it is you’re not telling me?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re worried, and it’s not just about me, or making a Class V run you’ve made dozens of times before.” He listened to her silence. Finally, sheer frustration made him add, “Come on. You used to tell me everything, Alex.”

“Yeah,” she shot back, breathless and angry, “used to.” She shifted restlessly, and in silhouette he saw her look up at the deepening sky, at the stars just winking on up there.

“Back there at the put-in,” he gently prompted, careful not to push too hard, “you were upset, and it wasn’t-” he held up a hand to forestall her retort “-just because the boat failed. Booker T and Tahoe weren’t happy, either. What happened, Alex?”

She hissed out a breath, unable to stop herself. “Somebody-” Her voice caught, and she cleared her throat and went on, tense and edgy. “Somebody filed the valve fitting.”

“What?”

“Just enough so it had a slow leak. Couldn’t have happened before we packed up the bus yesterday, because we’d have noticed it during the safety check. So it had to have been later. Last night sometime.”

“Wait.” He held up a hand now because he couldn’t seem to get a grip on the words he was hearing. “You’re telling me you think somebody deliberately…”

“Sabotaged the boat. Yeah, that’s what I’m telling you.”

“Come on, Alex. Who’d do such a thing? Why?”

“You think I haven’t asked myself that at least a hundred times?” She lifted her arms and let them drop. “God. It’s just not possible.”

“Okay, you know what they say. If you eliminate the impossible, the alternative, no matter how improbable…So, what’s the alternative? You missed the damage when you checked it-you all did.”

She didn’t reply. He couldn’t see her face, but he could hear misery and self-blame in her silence.

“Don’t beat yourself up,” he said softly. “It happens.”

“Yeah.” And she muttered something under her breath as she turned her head away.

He could feel her tension, almost hear it, like a humming in the air. Knowing she was an instant away from walking off and leaving him there, he reached out and caught her hand. “Talk to me, dammit.”

Her silence was impenetrable, her wrist like steel in his grasp. But the feel of it…the warmth, the wiry strength of it…the softness of her skin, touching his for the first time in so damn long. He gentled his grip, stroked his thumb over the tendons at the base of her palm, and wondered what would happen if he were to bring her hand to his mouth and put his lips there instead. Juices pooled at the back of his throat, and he felt like a starving man, starving for the taste of her…the smell of her.

“Matt…”

She was pulling against his grip, and reluctantly he let her go. But not before he felt her tremble. She took one step away from him, jerked back, lifted one hand toward him, then wrapped it with the other across her body. When she spoke it sounded as if the words were choking her. “That’s what happened, isn’t it? That day. I didn’t check it. And I should have. I didn’t-”

“Didn’t-what?” He shook his head, trying to understand. She was talking nonsense. “Check what? What day?”

She took a step back toward him, then retreated, so upset he could see her shaking. “The day you fell. Your gear. I should have double-checked it. If I had-”

“What?” Sudden anger sent his voice off the scale. “What in the holy hell are you talking about? You think you were supposed to check my gear? What are you, my mother? Now I need you to check up on me?”

“It sure looks like you did!” She spat the words at him like an angry cat.

Matt shook his head, gave an incredulous bark of laughter. “Do you even know how insulting that is? You think you should have double-checked my gear…why? Because you think I was careless? Why-oh, wait, because we were arguing? Because I suggested maybe we should get married? Because I asked you if you loved me?” He paused, not really expecting an answer. In the silence he could hear her breathing. In a voice heavy with irony, he went on. “Maybe it was a question I shouldn’t have had to ask after five years, and sure, I know it was lousy timing. But do you really think I’d be so upset over it, I’d forget to check out my gear?” Again, he tested her stubbornness. Finally, softly, he said, “I’ve been over it a thousand times in my mind, Alex. I swear to you, the gear was okay. I checked it thoroughly.”

She answered him, a whisper of misery. “Then why did it fail?”

She waited, but he had no answer for that. He hadn’t had one for five long years.