Dazed

Chapter 9 Dark Side

The birds sing all around me while the sunlight filters through the large trees that surround my stone patio. As I rock in my comfortable padded chair, I sip my tea and stare at the wooded hills that lead to trails I have only walked with him. I’ve done so many things with Jagger I’d never done before.

I’m trying to ignore the tears leaking from my eyes as I move back and forth. My insatiable appetite for Jagger Kennedy has blurred my judgment, but not any longer. I can’t go on like this. I’m sure he’ll be here shortly, and once he arrives, I’ll be mature and break things off in a respectable way. I want to seem unbreakable, like the girl I’ve been so many times who broke up with her boyfriend because he just wasn’t right for her. But this time I’m anything but—my heart has already been shredded into a million tiny pieces.

“Hey, I’ve been calling you all afternoon.” His voice is warm, velvety, and smooth.

I take a slow, calm breath as I lean my head toward him and away from the sun. “Can you sit down?”

He’s standing in the doorway. “What’s wrong?

“We need to talk.” I can’t believe how calm I’m being.

“Why haven’t you answered your phone?” He places his arms on either side of my chair and leans forward.

I allow this last bit of closeness. One last sniff of his delicious scent that now seems marred by her scent. “Jagger, please sit down.”

He tips my chin. “I don’t want to sit down. I want to know what is going on.”

I want to turn my cheek and let his fingers skim my face, but I pull away. “I saw the two of you together today.”

He brings my gaze back to his. “Who are you talking about?”

“Jules. I saw you and Jules.” Her name burns my throat.

“That’s why I was calling you, to tell you Brett had called me at the last minute. Wait, how did you know I was there?” Panic flashes across his face, I see it clear as day.

I straighten my stance. My heart feels like it’s trying to break out of my chest. “Jagger, let’s not drag this out. You got what you wanted. You were amazing today. I’m sure you’ll get the role.”

He finally sits down. Stunned into silence, he just stares at me. “What are you talking about?”

I gesture between us. “You and I, this farce you’ve been playing all the while seeing her.”

“Aerie,” he says tightly. “What the hell is going on? How can you think that?”

I breathe in a breath that I don’t want to let out. Finally, releasing it, I spill it all. “I saw you with her weeks ago when you drove me to work. Then you disappeared that day. Now I see the two of you auditioning for lead romantic roles opposite each other. Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah, Kay claims you just up and left Jules without any reason. Did she really even cheat on you?”

Alarm fills his face. “First of all, who the fuck is Kay?”

“Kay Hudson. Jules’ sister,” I hiss.

His jaw drops, but again silence surrounds us for the longest time. “Kimberly is in California?”

I guess he calls Kay, Kimberly. “Yes, she’s my other half at the magazine.”

He scrubs his head with his fingers and his hair sticks up everywhere. “Kimberly doesn’t have a fucking clue why we broke up. And, yes, I saw Jules that morning I dropped you off. It was pouring rain and she didn’t have an umbrella so I walked her to the door. She told me she moved to LA, and I don’t even think I said hello. I was shocked she was here. I haven’t seen her since that day, until this afternoon.”

His voice is low and my heart is so full of pain that I don’t say a word in response. I just let him talk. “The day I saw her I drove around LA trying to decide if I should stay. Trying to determine if I could stay with her in the same town. Then I saw you walking out of the office and I had no doubt—I wasn’t going to leave California because of her. I didn’t have to. I felt nothing for her. But I knew I was going to stay because of you.”

“Jagger, I can’t do this. I don’t want to be the rebound girl,” I say in a low, squeaky voice.

“You are not a rebound. I love you,” he says stressing every word.

“But, Jagger, by definition, I am. Don’t you see? Jump out of one serious relationship into another—that’s the definition.”

“Jules and I had a different kind of relationship. It’s not in the least bit comparable to what you and I have.”

“Jagger, come on. We haven’t known each other long enough for you to know that.”

He scrubs his eyes. “You’re wrong. It’s not about the length of time, it’s about the way we feel when we’re together.”

“That makes no sense. You wanted to marry her. You obviously felt something profound for her.”

“Aerie, yes, I loved her, but all I’m trying to say is it was different. I did buy a ring, but I never asked her to marry me. I just couldn’t do it. Something about it didn’t feel right.” He takes a deep breath. “All she ever cared about was herself. It just took me a while to see it. She was going on more and more auditions. She’d become preoccupied with getting the next big role, but I never knew at what cost. She was up for a lead that she really wanted. She flew out here for a few days and when she came back she was a wreck. She didn’t get the part. I had to work late but got to her as soon as I could. When I did, she was a drunken mess. And, fuck, you want to know what she was upset about?”

I shake my head. His gray eyes are stormy and the pain on his face is excruciating. “That she’d let the director fuck her and didn’t get the part.

“I was done the minute she told me, but she wouldn’t let it end that easy. She pleaded forgiveness for what she called a momentary indiscretion. When I looked into her eyes that night all I saw was how selfish she really was. She had betrayed me and there was no taking that back.”

My heart aches for him but despite that I now know for sure what I am—I’m the rebound girl, and I have to get out. “Jagger, we’re over. I can’t do this.”

He rises to his feet. His jaw, his entire body, even his stance tightens. “Are you sure that’s what you want, Aerie?”

I nod, unable to talk.

“I haven’t been seeing her. Fuck, I told you I didn’t know she would even be there.”

I stand up and put my hands on his chest. I can feel his heart beating. Willing the tears to stay tucked away, I take a deep breath and know I have to let him go. “I’ll never be sure about us anymore, I don’t even think you can be sure, and I can’t live with that.”

His body tenses even more beneath my fingertips. His eyes start to swirl—stormy gray again as he stares at me maybe waiting for me to take it back, but I can’t. It’s true. It’s how I feel.

There’s a deep sadness flowing in waves between the two of us. Then, he turns and walks up the steps without another word leaving me feeling numb and alone. I finally let the tears I’ve been holding back fall like rain. And as the flickering of his orange shoelaces slapping against the floor begins to fade away, I’m left standing there staring at his disappearing image through the glass.