Different Strokes: Or, How I Wrote, Directed and Starred in an X-rated Movie

A Screenplay

1. Close-up of penis on erotic lamp. Hold this shot for a few seconds with only general room tone as background. We hear the sound of a gavel.

(OC) Ladies and gentlemen, lot number 453... (Camera pulls back slowly to reveal rest of statue.)

(Doubtfully.)... a lamp... (Camera continues pullback revealing AUCTIONEER.)

An unusually fine and rare example of its kind. Please consult your catalogues. May I have an opening bid of one hundred dollars? (Camera continues pullback revealing people sitting and standing in and around the room. The bidding continues as the AUCTIONEER continues calling for higher bids in increments of twenty-five dollars. People raise their hands occasionally to bid. The camera continues its pullback and now the POV has reached the last row. The camera begins a slow dolly to the right and holds steady after AUCTIONEER says:) I have five hundred, will you go five and a quarter. I have five hundred once. I have five hundred twice...

(SOPHIE jumps into frame, wearing a wild hat of bird feathers, etc. We see her from behind, back of head from top of hat to upper shoulders.)

One thousand goddamned dollars!

2. Exterior of the auction gallery. We pick up SOPHIE walking out with the package under her arm. Also at this point we begin our opening music. We have a montage at this point. Series of shots of SOPHIE walking in the Madison Avenue, Bloomingdale’s, Central Park South area. Then—

3. SOPHIE at the corner of 59th and 5th. (Medium long shot.)

4. Shot across the street from SOPHIE’S POV. We see the traffic sign flash “WALK.”

5. Medium shot from SOPHIE’S side. We see her in frame start to cross the street. She steps off the curb. We see a cab start to turn the corner.

6. Shot of SOPHIE from inside the cab, driver’s POV. The cab just misses her and we see SOPHIE stumble backward.

7. Same shot as #5. SOPHIE’S hat is cockeyed on her head. Zoom in to her face as she mouths the words “fuck you” and gives the cab the finger.

8. Freeze frame on this shot and first credit.

9. Continuation of montage sequence.

10. Long shot of SOPHIE with operating pile driver in the foreground. Focus shifts from the pile driver to SOPHIE. Zoom in to her face watching it go up and down.

11. Freeze frame and second credit.

12. Continuation of montage sequence.

13. Medium shot of doorman opening door for SOPHIE outside her apartment building. Pan down to his crotch.

14. Close on SOPHIE looking down at the doorman’s crotch. She licks her lips and leers.

15. Shot of penis on erotic lamp in close-up.

16. Close shot of doorman’s crotch.

17. Close on SOPHIE’S face licking her lips and leering.

18. Freeze frame and third credit.

19. SOPHIE in the hall outside her apartment She is walking down the hall toward her apartment door. Shot from behind.

20. Reverse of 19. The door of SOPHIE’S neighbor’s apartment opens. We zoom in to see the neighbor’s hand on SOPHIE’S arm. He is IRVING, a seventy-year-old man with a twenty-year-old libido. Dressed in a velvet smoking jacket, rimless glasses, right out of the nineteenth century. You get the type, the kind who wears a bathing suit with socks and shoes. He has a small wrapped gift in his other hand.

21. Shot of IRVING from POV SOPHIE.

Sophie, my little rose petal, how about a little...

(To herself.) Oh, my God. (To IRVING.) Irving, I can’t begin to tell you...

22. SOPHIE POV IRVING.

What a comfort it is for me to have you watching the hall.

...Come and view...

23. IRVING POV SOPHIE.

...the new French slides I just got for my stereopticon.

24. Two-shot.

(Holds out stereopticon. Looks through it, whistles, snorts, moves eyebrows, etc. Offers stereopticon to SOPHIE.) Ankles, knees, it’s all there out in the open.

Some other time, Irving, when I’m not in a rush. (Pushes him back into his apartment.) And...

25. SOPHIE POV IRVING.

...we’ll curl up on your davenport and titillate each other.

(As door is closing.) Oh

26. IRVING POV SOPHIE.

...you devil you, you... (Door closes.) FADE OUT

27. FADE IN. SOPHIE, in her apartment. Medium shot of lamp being placed on a shelf. Dolly back to reveal SOPHIE’S apartment. It is basically Victoriana. It is loaded with erotic, suggestive and downright pornographic this and that. As we watch she goes around the apartment dusting, cleaning, etc.

28. SOPHIE in medium close-up. She undresses a Barbie doll and a Ken doll, arranges them in the missionary posture.

Enjoy yourselves, kids. (She picks up a Little Brother doll, tweaks its cock playfully, sets it down. Then she picks up a Raggedy Ann doll and cuddles it. Music cue of mandolin playing “Those Were The Days.”)

29. Close on SOPHIE’S face. She is looking and remembering. DISSOLVE:

30. Same close-up as 29, but now SOPHIE is a thirteen-year-old, stereotyped of course. Quasi Fauntleroy outfit on. Big rouge marks on her cheeks. Pigtails, etc. Fade out “Those Were The Days” and fade in “The Good Ship Lollipop.” Pull back to see SOPHIE in Central Park near the swings in the playground. Music drops and SOPHIE begins humming “Good Ship Lollipop,” cuddling doll, etc.

31. Long shot of SOPHIE. Suddenly in frame appears the back view of a DIRTY OLD MAN. He begins to walk toward her. He is wearing a smarmy raincoat. He is humming a nothing sort of tune to himself in a deep, deep voice. As he gets closer to her, her singing and humming gets louder. SOPHIE notices him.

32. Shot of DOM POV SOPHIE. She stops humming, and watches the DOM approach. His humming gets louder. He stops.

Why, hello, little one! What a pretty doll.

33. Close-up SOPHIE. She’s listening, but saying nothing.

34. Same as #32.

...and what a pretty little doll you are. What’s your name, my dear? (Two beats.) What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?

35. Same as #33. SOPHIE still looking. She sticks out her tongue and gives a Bronx cheer.

(OC) Ahhhh, yes...

36. Two-shot. Dolly around to wind up in a two-shot favoring the DOM.

...perfectly lovely.

(Little voice throughout.) I’m not supposed to talk to strange men.

(Shot favoring him here.) That’s no problem, my dear. There’s nothing strange about me, is there?

37. Pan down DOM’S body from head to crotch. Hold two beats on his crotch.

38. Close-up on SOPHIE as she reacts.

Well...

If you’ll come with me for a little walk.

39. Two-shot favoring DOM.

...my sweet, I’ll give you a lollipop. (Whips five hundred and thirty-six lollipops from his pocket immediately, and just as quickly returns them.)

40. Close-up SOPHIE as she reacts.

Well...

41. Tracking shot of SOPHIE and DOM walking through the park.

What’s your name, my dear?

It’s Sophie.

Sophie. What a pretty name.

I think it sucks. (At this point they pass the camera and the camera pans as they pass.)

42. Tracking from the front. Two-shot.

And how old are you, Sophie?

I’m thirteen.

Thirteen!

Is that bad?

(During the DOM’S next line, we let them pass the camera and pan with them to get a two-shot from the rear. We see that the DOM’S hand is on SOPHIE’S ass.)

It’s fortunate for both of us, my dear, that I’m not the least bit superstitious. DISSOLVE:

43. Interior of the DOM’S furnished room. We begin our shot on typical children’s-style drawing on the wall. It is obscene but is still obviously done by a child. Hold this for two beats and then pullback and pan to a two-shot of SOPHIE and the DOM.

When am I going to get my lollipop?

First my dear, you’d better take off all your clothes...

44. Medium shot of DOM POV SOPHIE. He is stroking his crotch but catches himself doing it and stops.

...you wouldn’t want to drool all over your pretty dress.

45. Close-up SOPHIE. Pullback after her line to have a medium shot POV DOM.

Now I’ve heard everything. (She takes off all her clothes. Intercut shots of the DOM’S face.)

Well?

46. Two-shot.

First I’ll have some candy for myself, you little angel. (He puts her on the bed while speaking.)... Such a lovely little thing. Aren’t these delightful? Scoops of ice cream with cherries on top. (He works his way down her body with appropriate oohs and ahs, then stations himself between her legs. He is, of course, still fully dressed.) My God, that’s a pretty one!

It’s the only one I’ve got.

What an aroma! Cinnamon crumpets, maraschino cherries, mink musk...

Are you going to eat it or write a poem about it? (A good question, which he proceeds to answer with eager tongue.)

47. Close on DOM eating SOPHIE. Intercut with shots of her face as she delivers the lines.

A genuine dirty old man. You don’t know what a hassle it is to find a dirty old man these days. The hours I’ve spent in that stupid park, dragging that dumb doll around. And all I saw were cops and muggers... that feels wonnnnnddeeerfuuuulllll... I’ve tried to do it myself but I couldn’t ever reach... When I think of all the years I’ve wasted playing hopscotch and kick the can... Johnnie on the pony wasn’t too bad, but stilllllllll... The camera stays on SOPHIE’S face for the rest of this.

(Half singing, half talking as she gets closer to orgasm.)

ON THE GOOD SHIP...

LOLL — EE — POP...

WHAT A GREAT TRIP...

OH... DON’T STOP...

MAYBE HE’S A BUM...

BUT I THINK HE’S GONNA... MAKE...

ME... CCUuuMMMMMMM! (And she does just that.)

48. Two-shot.

I suppose it’s tacky of me to mention this, but whatever happened to that lollipop?

You’ve earned it, my little one. Here it is!

49. Medium shot of DOM POV SOPHIE. DOM standing as he triumphantly opens his raincoat to reveal that he is naked beneath it, his trousers being merely pants legs cut off and held in place by rubber bands; i.e., typical flasher’s garb. Naturally the actor hasn’t been walking around like this, but the audience doesn’t know this.

50. Close-up SOPHIE.

You call that a lollipop?

(OC) Play your cards right, my dear...

51. Two-shot favoring the DOM.

...and it could turn out to be an all-day sucker. (She gets ready to go down on him.)

But it’s so small...

It’s a magic lollipop, my dear. The more you eat, the bigger it gets.

I was thinking... (DOM puts her head in position.)

Eat first. Later, well talk. (As she goes down on him, he delivers all or some of the following dialogue. Some on camera, some off camera.)

Ah, that’s delicious... Careful, Sophie, keep your pretty little teeth out of the way... that’s much better... Oh, that’s much better... Are you sure you haven’t done this before? No, don’t answer, never talk with your mouth full... a natural talent... truly incredible... oooh, ah, etc.

52. Close on SOPHIE’S face. The DOM cums. Her mouth is open and there is a bead of semen on her chin.

53. DOM POV SOPHIE.

Swallow it, angel. It’s full of vitamins.

54. SOPHIE POV DOM. She swallows.

You know, I can see this as a turning point in my life...

(OC) You missed a drop. (She gets the blob of sperm on her index finger and puts her finger in her mouth.) DISSOLVE:

55. Close-up the mature SOPHIE in her apartment in the same position, her finger in her mouth. She takes her finger out of her mouth, looks at it, shrugs. She goes over to the lamp she has just bought. She begins to fondle and stroke the penis-spout. After a bit she kisses it. There is an explosion. SOPHIE’S face goes out of frame. Thick red smoke begins to appear from the spout of the lamp. There is another explosion.

56. Close-up SOPHIE reacting to all this.

57. The smoke clears and we have a shot of PLUTO JONES POV SOPHIE. He is super straight in a Brooks Brothers suit, sincere tie, slim attaché case in one hand. But he does have a Satanic beard, a pair of cute little horns, and a tail.

You rang?

58. Close-up SOPHIE, reaction shot.

Oh, my God! (She runs away from him.)

59. SOPHIE runs toward camera. Camera pans as she passes to end up in a two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE from behind SOPHIE, PLUTO has changed position.

You’re miles away.

60. Close-up SOPHIE over PLUTO’S shoulder.

What the hell... (She runs again.)

61. Same as #59.

You’re getting warmer.

62. Same as #60.

What the devil... (She runs again,)

63. Same as #59.

(Snaps fingers; explosion.) Much warmer.

64. Same as #60.

Well, I’ll be damned... (She stands there and slowly backs away from PLUTO, hands on hips, looking at him.)

65. PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

Bull’s-eye!

66. SOPHIE POV PLUTO. She walks to the bar to pour a drink. She speaks over her shoulder as she is pouring.

And just who or what are you supposed to be, anyway?

67. Two-shot.

PLUTO JONES. My card. (He proffers a card and hands it to SOPHIE, who is standing at the bar.)

68. Close-up of PLUTO’S card, which reads: PLUTO JONES/ HELL/Department of Sexual Fulfillment/Personnel Selection Division/Recruiter, 3rd Asst./Employee number 365566774774. Camera stays here long enough for this to be easily read.

Oh, my God... (Really drawn out.)

69. Medium close-up of SOPHIE. She is taking a sip of her drink and fingering the edge of the card to check its quality. She nods to herself, impressed. Pause two beats.

(She hands the card back to PLUTO, walks past him and the camera pans to the couch as she sits down. We are now in a two-shot favoring SOPHIE. She delivers the lines during her motion, ending as she sits down.) So what’s this got to do with me? I still don’t get it.

70. Medium shot of PLUTO POV SOPHIE. He moves to the couch and sits down as the camera pans and dollies to reframe for a two-shot.

Well that’s been the whole problem, hasn’t it.

What? Oh, I see. Very cute. So the question is what in the hell have you got for me?

Well, if...

And listen, sweetie, whatever you’ve got for me, it better be something better than what I’m used to getting. Know what I mean?

Well, Sophie, if it’s in Hell, I guarantee I can get it for you. (He has opened his briefcase. He has taken out fourteen thousand forms and is arranging them on the coffee table.)

71. The same, but time has passed. PLUTO’S papers are cluttering the table, his jacket is off, his tie loose, his sleeves rolled up. The ashtray is overflowing with cigarette butts, etc.

What mixes me up is the way things fit together. You came because I went down on that lamp, but you ain’t no genie with the light brown hair.

One myth can borrow from another.

Isn’t that plagiarism?

On a grand scale, it’s called research.

(Over her glass as she drains it.) Oh, it’s like that.

72. PLUTO POV SOPHIE. Fiddling still with papers. Businesslike.

No, actually it’s like this... (Snaps fingers; explosion.)

73. Same as #72. SOPHIE staring at her drink now full again. Looks for a second. Takes a sip.

Very convenient, that, very convenient.

74. PLUTO, as in #72.

Merely parlor games. (But he looks a bit proud, then again all business.) However, why don’t we get back to the deal I’m offering.

(OC) Deal? (Picks up forms, shuffles them.) That’s where we go from Aladdin to Faust. I sign on the dotted line. Then I get three wishes, and in return for that you’ve got a claim on my immortal soul.

Check and double-check. (He finds the right form, picks up the pen, uncaps it, leans forward, then pauses and PLUTO lets out breath he has been holding for quite some time.)

Wait a minute. There’s a trick here somewhere.

75. Shot of PLUTO’S reaction, eyes rolling heavenward, exhausted and exasperated.

76. Two-shot, focus on SOPHIE.

I mean, I could lay it out straight and pick up all the marbles. Three wishes. One: Eternal life. Two: Eternal youth and beauty. Three: Eternal happiness. Which leaves you playing with your tail, doesn’t it?

Let’s back up a couple of frames, SOPHIE. I think you missed the opening credits.

77. Cut to opening shot of #68, business card, as PLUTO reads:

“Hell.” Now, the whole corporation doesn’t have anything substantive to do with life, youth, beauty or happiness. For those subjects you’d have to deal with another firm entirely.

78. Close-up SOPHIE.

I see.

79. Two-shot favoring PLUTO.

“Department of Sexual Fulfillment.” That’s my specific territory. That’s what I can offer you. Three ultimate fantasies come true. Three trips around the universe. If it’s in Hell, I can give it to you. And if it’s sexy, Hell’s the place to find it... Take a look at this. (He hands her a document.) I’m sure it’s completely self-explanatory.

(Taking document.) Looks like my first wedding license. (It is a parchment scroll wrapped in a black ribbon. She unties the ribbon.)

80. Close on PLUTO’S face from a fake POV SOPHIE. He is nodding to himself and smiling. As we begin our pullback, zoom lens, he snaps his fingers and winds up holding a plate of ice cream in his hand. He begins eating. We continue the pullback and wind up on a shot of SOPHIE’S hands unrolling the document. PLUTO is still visible, out of focus, in the background. The document itself is heavily illuminated on the top and sides. The first letter is very ornate and the only words we can read are the first words of each paragraph which are the same: “Whereas.” There are several blank lines. The whole thing is out of the Middle Ages. We hold this shot for several beats.

81. SOPHIE POV PLUTO.

(Reading.) Let’s see. “Whereas the Damned hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part agrees and enters into covenant...”

82. Close-up PLUTO eating ice cream. Nodding as she reads.

83. Same as #81.

“...with the Lord of Evil hereinafter referred to as the party of the second part.” (She puts down the paper.) Pluto, what the hell is this?

Now, now, Sophie...

84. Two-shot.

...don’t get yourself excited. That’s really only legalese and...

(She has picked up the form and is reading again.) “...and eternal damnation of the immortal soul hereinafter referred to as part of the party of the first part...”

...only a carry-over from the days when people worried about that sort of thing. You know, (Ticks off on his fingers.) soul, salvation, sinning. You know, the three big S’s of the Middle Ages.

(Leans over to PLUTO. Then gets up to go to bar.) Look, Pluto, if I have a soul... (There is a knock on the door.)

85. Close on SOPHIE’S face. We start on the back of her head and she turns to the camera.

Oh, my God, it’s the rough riders again.

86. Medium shot of SOPHIE going to the door. Camera dollies behind her. She opens the door, and it’s no one else but—

Irving, it’s nice to see you up and around, but...

(Carrying a bigger gift this time.) Sophie, you little temptress...

87. Two-shot from behind IRVING.

...how about...

Irving, I can’t talk now, why don’t...

...try out my entire collection...

88. Same as #86.

...of vulgar expressions. (Gestures madly, one finger after another.)

I tell you what, Irving, you go back and get things ready...

...yeah, yeah, yeah... (Nodding.)

...we”ll curl up on your davenport and gesture at each other. (She begins closing the door.)

(As the door closes.)... you little vixen, you...

89. Two-shot, PLUTO and SOPHIE.

Later, Irving, later... (Rests her back on the closed door.) God, I need a drink. (Heads to the bar.)

A simple courtesy. Compliments of the company. (Snaps, etc.) Here you go.

90. SOPHIE POV PLUTO.

(Toasts PLUTO.) I expected nothing less. (She walks to the couch, camera follows and reframes for two-shot as previously.)

Who was that, by the way?

Someone even more unbelievable than you. (Drinks.) Now where were we...?

Discussing your...

...that’s right, my soul. Three wishes for my soul.

91. Two-shot, focus on SOPHIE.

I don’t know. I mean, what can you give me that I haven’t already had? I’ve been married ten times—

Eleven, according to our research department.

(Puzzled, then nods.) That’s if you count Walter, but he didn’t amount to much. We met through a lonely-hearts club. I claimed to be a virgin and he claimed to be forty-five.

92. Close on PLUTO, thoughtful.

93. Close on SOPHIE, remembering.

I’ll never forget our wedding night. I was about as close to virginity as he was to forty-five. I kept moaning that it hurt and he kept trying to strap a splint to it. The only thing that hardened were his arteries, and that was the end of that marriage...

94. Same as #92, with PLUTO getting increasingly thoughtful, and we DISSOLVE TO:

95. Same shot of attentive PLUTO, but he is not in SOPHIE’S apartment now. He is in MADGE’S office, but at first we see no detail because we are in too close. During SOPHIE’S next speech we back up, first to disclose more of PLUTO.

...the Shetland pony. That was in New Orleans and it was great being in show business until the night the pony’s platform broke.

I can imagine.

No, you can’t... (Camera pulls back further to disclose tape recorder on table beside Pluto.)

...Not unless you fell off a roof and landed on a broomstick.

96. Camera pulls back further to show us MADGE. She is a big, full-breasted woman. She smokes a cigarette in a long ivory holder. At this point, she is wearing a rather shapeless velvet robe. Early on in the recorded conversation the phone on her desk rings. She picks it up and says, “Yes, right,” a couple of times and hangs up. Then she stands and removes the robe, under which she is stark naked. We see her from PLUTO’S POV as the recorded conversation continues. In very businesslike fashion she moves about her office getting dressed in every ferocious S-and-M prop the Pleasure Chest can provide — anklets and wristlets, studded leather belts, etc. Puts on a pair of towering high-heeled boots. The whole number.

...And then there was the time I got raped by all those guys. Fifteen of the bastards, and they still couldn’t get me off. You can imagine how it wound up. They were the ones who had to call the cops.

Not that I’m not enjoying this, Sophie, but we’re wasting time.

You already know all this?

We have an extraordinary research department. Look at the pool we have to draw on. All the researchers and statisticians in the world — oh, maybe one or two of them might have signed with the other firm, but the rest of them wound up in Hell.

It figures.

What it comes down to is that you’ve had everything between your legs but a toll booth. But it doesn’t work for you anymore.

I don’t get off.

Well, I can get you off.

You?????

97. At this point MADGE is dressed to maim, if not to kill. She reaches over and shuts the tape recorder off.

It gets better, Madge. If you...

I was hoping it would. But it’ll have to wait for a minute. I’m on a tight schedule.

Oh?

98. MADGE POV PLUTO. She picks a dildo off the desk, uses it as a prop-cigar, does the Groucho Marx duck walk, and says, eyes rolling and all:

It’s my last chance to beat the other couples. (She takes the world’s most menacing whip from a hook on the wall and strides to the door. She goes out the door.)

99. Close-up PLUTO. We stay on him and watch his reactions as we hear horrible sounds from the next room; MADGE flailing with the whip and male and female screams.

100. The door, POV PLUTO, as MADGE comes in, briskly crosses to the desk and turns the recorder on again. During the rest of this she methodically undresses, winding up in the shapeless robe again, her air throughout one of business as usual.

I can’t get you off personally, but I can bring all my resources to bear. Three times, if necessary. That’s the terms of the agreement.

And in return you get my immortal soul.

That and nothing more.

I was never even sure I had a soul.

It’s just a carry-over from the days when people needed them. Like the appendix. The way human life has evolved over the years, the soul really isn’t important You don’t use it...

If you don’t use it, you gotta lose it.

Exactly. (The tape spins in silence, with MADGE and PLUTO drumming their fingers impatiently, waiting in suspense.)

Oh, hell. I’m probably damned anyway... And if all the sex is Hell’s department, what’s left for heaven? (SOUND of her signing the paper.)

You won’t regret this, Sophie.

I guess not. (Two beats.) You didn’t answer my question. What’s left for Heaven if Hell gets all the sex?

Oh, nothing much... Just all the love.

101. The camera has come in close for MADGE’S reaction to this last line of PLUTO’S. A grand sigh, and then she reaches to shut off the recorder.

Signed and countersigned. Good job. (She studies the document.)

102. Two-shot favoring MADGE.

Wait a minute. This is just an option agreement.

I know.

Something new?

It’s the latest thing the boys in Legal have dreamed up. A contract’s only valid if it’s equally binding upon both parties. Thus we have to fulfill our promise to satisfy Sophie sexually or the rights to her soul revert to her. I don’t pretend to understand all the whereases and thereinafters but it’ll hold up this way.

Of course it will. We’ve got the best damned legal department in existence. But they keep switching things around.

103. Close-up PLUTO POV MADGE.

It’s the same all over Hell. It’s just too crowded. Too cumbersome. The red tape you have to go through—

104. Close-up MADGE POV PLUTO.

— Filling out fifteen forms to requisition a few pounds of brimstone—

105. Close-up PLUTO POV MADGE.

— Going through a dozen channels for permission to strike a match—

106. Dolly and pan to a two-shot.

— All this bureaucracy. Well, honey, what can you expect? When you wind up with every lawyer who ever lived, and every thieving politician, and every pen-pushing government hack, what do you expect? I don’t want to keep you. You’ve got the devil’s own job ahead of you, getting that old bag’s rocks off.

Don’t I know it. (He stands up and gathers his papers, closes his attaché case. Then he walks over to the roaring fire which we have seen a lot of but which I forgot to mention earlier. He snaps his fingers. There is a small explosion, more like a wheeze. He frowns and snaps his fingers again, same result.)

Let me do it, honey. (She puts her hands alongside her breasts. We do a quick zoom to get tight on her breasts. We see nothing but them with her two hands alongside them. She snaps her fingers and there is an enormous explosion, thunder, lightning, etc.)

107. Wide shot of the room, PLUTO has disappeared.

108. Montage of New York By Night: PLUTO and SOPHIE getting in and out of cabs, walking in and out of nightclubs, lots of establishing shots, maybe a pan of Eighth Avenue hookers and massage parlors from a car window, etc.

109. Interior shot of a crowded East Side type singles bar. Camera starts on someone at the bar laughing. All beautiful people at the bar. Pan along the bar and then zoom in toward the rear where we see PLUTO and SOPHIE talking at a table.

110. Two-shot favoring PLUTO.

...computer printout of possible studs for you. The only thing...

(Interrupting.) Wait a minute. You’ve got computers in Hell?

Where else would computers go when they die?

It figures.

Thing is, they don’t work any better for us than they do on earth. One of our technicians fed in all our data on you and came up with—

Casanova? Don Juan?

111. Close-up PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

No, just twenty-four thousand invitations to renew his subscription to Life Magazine.

112. Shot of SOPHIE reacting. Pan and dolly to reestablish two-shot. She spills her drink all over her tits. PLUTO does a The-Moon-Is-Blue thing with a napkin, reaching to wipe it off, then pulling his hand back.

You could at least give an old girl a quick feel. (PLUTO snaps his fingers.)

Hey, you didn’t disappear. I thought you were embarrassed and decided it was time to split.

No, I was just freshening your drink. (SOPHIE looks down at her glass, and lo and behold, it’s full again. She shrugs and drinks.)

So the computer didn’t compute and the printout was a washout. But I think I’ve got something for you.

Oh, yeah? It better be good.

You can’t get better. Unless you’ve got something against Russians...

Well, Khrushchev wasn’t exactly my idea of a dynamite ball—

Not Uncle Nikita. We go back through the time tunnel to the greatest Russian of them all. The maddest, baddest swinger from Minsk to Pinsk. A legend, larger than life, more powerful than a mighty locomotive, more—

113. Two-shot favoring SOPHIE.

Yeah, right, the greatest discovery since the vibrating dildo. Who is this Moscow Mule, anyway?

The Mad Monk himself.

You don’t mean...

Rasputin. And now—

114. PLUTO in medium shot, POV SOPHIE. PLUTO is about to snap his fingers.

(OC) Wait a minute. (Her hand grabs PLUTO’S.)

115. Two-shot.

Pluto, for Christ’s sake, I can’t meet him like this. I gotta be young and beautiful or you can take the whole deal and shove it.

Almost forgot. I haven’t had much practice at young and beautiful. Let’s see, now. (He pulls out a leatherette memo book from his jacket pocket and thumbs through it, finds the right page, frowns a little, then executes a complex finger snap. There is a puff of smoke, and in SOPHIE’S chair we see the largest stuffed panda bear in America.)

Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. (We move back to see some of the rest of the place while PLUTO scratches his head and puzzles over his book of formulae. Absolutely no one in the restaurant takes any notice of the panda bear. We remain at a distance while other finger snaps produce one dumb thing after another — a bass fiddle, a four-foot pile of towels, a garden hoe, a filing cabinet, and ultimately SOPHIE herself. No one takes the slightest notice of these startling transformations.)

116. Two-shot.

Very funny. Very fucking funny.

117. Close-up of PLUTO wearing hangdog expression.

(OC) I suppose next I’ll show up as the balls on a brass monkey.

No, I think I’ve got the bugs out now. (He snaps his fingers, etc.) Take a look now.

118. Two-shot from behind SOPHIE. She has taken a mirror handed her by PLUTO. She is looking in it and playing with her face and hair. We begin a dolly around to get a two-shot and then a zoom to her face.

Oh, Pluto!

119. Close on PLUTO beaming in satisfaction.

Just the way you used to look.

(OC) Just the way I used...

120. Two-shot.

...to wish I looked. But these clothes. (A finger snap and she’s dressed to kill.) Pluto, you’re wonderful. But don’t snap anymore... If I looked any better than this I’d get arrested.

No more transformations. But now you’re ready for Rasputin.

Just so he’s ready for me.

Let’s find out (He snaps his fingers, puff of smoke, explosion, and so on.)

121. Establishing shot of RASPUTIN’S den. Sheepskins and steer hides cover most of the floor and completely cover a huge mattress. RASPUTIN wears a monk’s robe and is as large, bearish, and horrible as possible. He gnaws at a chicken bone, finishes it, looks at it, and throws it in a corner which is already loaded with these things. He picks up another one and begins to gnaw it.

122. Two-shot of SOPHIE and PLUTO. They are transparent. (Double exposure against black.)

(In a whisper.) Pluto, he’s an animal.

You don’t have to whisper. He can’t see or hear us.

How can he ball me if he doesn’t know I’m alive?

He’ll know when the times comes.

123. Low-angle wide shot of RASPUTIN. He has fallen to his knees and is going through an inarticulate prayer shtik that we hear. During this we do a slow zoom into his face.

Lord of All the Russias, keep me contented with the painful role of Thy servant. Let me rejoice in my simple comforts, the bare cell I must live in, the cold hard floor on which Thy servant sleeps, the crust of bread and cup of water which is his nourishment...

(OC) Who’s he kidding?

(Continuing.)... the deprivation of the senses, the melting away of the flesh until Thy servant is a scarecrow of skin and bones, the adherence to the code of piety, chastity and obedience...

(OC) Chastity???

Let me glory in never knowing the sins of the flesh, the pleasures of womanhood, the touch of their skins, the perfume of their loins, the swell of their thrusting breasts — (We have been zooming in until we are tight on his face. We then tilt down his body and discover that while he is renouncing the sins of the flesh he is pulling his pud. There is a knock on the door)

124. Wider shot of RASPUTIN. An up shot.

(He turns around.) Who interrupts me at my prayers? (Looks up.) What can I do? (To door.) Who comes to Rasputin!

125. Shot of the door, POV RASPUTIN. It opens and ANNA comes timidly within.

126. Shot of RASPUTIN, hands together, eyes fixed ceiling-ward.

It is Anna. Oh, blessed be the name of the Lord for taking such quick notice of his servant’s needs. And who is this with you?

127. RASPUTIN’S POV as a second girl, KARENINA, follows ANNA into the cell and closes the door.

My sister, Karenina.

128. Two-shot POV KARENINA.

There is a problem, yes. I see it now clearly and with the help of the Deity who allows me to look through his eyes. Come in, Anna, Karenina, come in, come in.

129. Three-shot POV PLUTO and SOPHIE. ANNA and KARENINA walk into the room. Rasputin ushers them to his bed, where they sit down. They never take their eyes off him. RASPUTIN speaks throughout. There is never a moment of silence. This following speech by RASPUTIN is done in a montage of angles and reactions by the girls.

Doubly blessed is the Lord’s servant. He makes me an instrument in his hand, a sword to strike away the sins of the flesh. Karenina, my dove, your sister has told me of you. And I can help you. I am entrusted with the responsibility of the holy destiny of Mother Russia, yes. It is so. But the country is the people and the people are the country and I am never too busy to help when I am called.

130. RASPUTIN, eyes burning in hypnotic intensity.

And so I am called, and so I am chosen. You have a problem, Karenina. You are troubled. Tell me what it is that bothers you.

I... uh... it’s hard for me—

And it will be even harder for you, my sweetling. I guarantee it.

(OC) Just so it’s hard for me, lover boy.

Gee, I don’t know how to say it.

Do You Masturbate?!?

131. Here a shot of KARENINA’S stunned reaction.

How did you know?

How did I know? How did I know? You sinful little girl, how could I fail to know?

(OC) Takes one to know one.

The signs are all over you. The tips of your ears. The thrust of your breasts. The glassy stare in your eyes. (He takes her hand and sniffs her fingers.)

And there are other signs as well. Yes, it is unmistakable. But you are fortunate, dumpling. It is I who have put my finger upon your problem, and the problem is where you in turn have been putting your finger. That is the problem. But there is a solution!

There is?

Indeed there is, with the help of the Most Holy One. You must stop this unspeakable practice at once! Do you know what you are doing when you masturbate? You are only playing with yourself! The problem is one of the precious bodily fluids leaving the body with nothing to replace it. But you must nourish yourself in accordance with the wishes of the All Powerful One who provides us with the food we eat...

(OC) I think we’re getting down to cases now.

...and therefore you must take into your body only that which flows from the bountiful wisdom of the Holy One Blessed be He. Take off your clothes. (She does so, completely transfixed.) And you, Anna, to assist in the successful transformation of this wayward unfortunate, throw off those garments which only conceal what the Holy One has given you. (She does.) Now both of you lie on this poor pile of rags that you may better prepare yourselves for the spirit of the Deity which now enters my body that it may flow into yours.

(OC) Rags my ass — he’s got a waterbed under there! (And so he does.)

And now open your thighs that I may see for myself what damage you have done by your selfish use of the sacred receptacle of the goodness that flows from the Holy One. (He gets on the bed so that his head is in the general vicinity of ANNA’S cunt. To KARENINA he says:) You have been doing this, have you not? (He fingers ANNA’S clit.)

Sometimes.

Show me what you do to yourself as I do it to your sister. (She hesitates, then begins fingering her clit.) No doubt you do this as well. (He dips his finger in and out of ANNA’S twat. KARENINA commences doing the same to herself. After a bit, both girls now getting pretty worked up, he withdraws his finger, sniffs it, sucks it. KARENINA, puzzled, withdraws her own finger, shrugs, and sucks it.)

(OC) I can practically taste it from here.

And perhaps you have done this as well. (He sticks his finger up ANNA’S asshole.)

KARENINA

No, I never did that. (She does now.) But I think I could learn to like it.

And, so aroused, no doubt you and your sister have exchanged kisses?

Yes.

Show me, please. (They kiss, mouth to mouth, and feel each other up.) And other sorts of places as well, perhaps. (They segue into a yummy sixty-nine.) Ah, yes. Yes. (He lets them groove awhile.)

132. Two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE as in 122.

How about that?

Are you kidding? I did better than that when I was nine years old.

133. Three-shot favoring RASPUTIN.

Stop this immediately! (They try to stop, they really do, but it’s torture for them. RASPUTIN dips a finger into both of their twats and they moan.) Now you recognize the evil you bring to yourselves by these acts. Now I can show you how to eliminate these impurities from your systems. For you see, (Throws off his robes; he is naked and has an erection.) this is what you should use! (RASPUTIN gets on the bed between the two girls and they begin an oral thing with his cock and with each other. We go to a whole sexual number with them, one on two, two on one, fucking, sucking, and all other assorted forms of sexual mayhem. During the course of all of this, we hear “I Am a Male Chauvinist” sung over the chorus of moans and groans. It is not necessary that RASPUTIN sing the song, nor is it necessary that it be accompanied on a balalaika. It would be nice, but not necessary.)

More sex. Last shot in the sequence is oral. RASPUTIN is fingering and eating both of them and they are sucking and kissing his cock together. He comes and they share it between them, lick it off each other’s faces, kiss each other, and finally ANNA and KARENINA, who have come six hundred and seventy-three times before coaxing an orgasm out of RASPUTIN, fall totally collapsed across the bed. They are really exhausted. RASPUTIN gets up, looks at them in disgust, goes over to a table and picks up a chicken leg. He starts to take a bite of it, notices it smells funny, goes through a sniffing routine and shrugs and starts eating it.

(OC) I wonder what’s wrong with the chicken leg.

(OC) You’ll never guess where I put it.

(OC) Sophie!

(OC) Well, I had to do something, didn’t I? But it didn’t even take the edge off.

134. Two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE. She is hot to give RASPUTIN a try.

Ready to try it?

Send me in, coach. (There is a finger snap, etc.)

135. Two-shot RASPUTIN in foreground, SOPHIE in back. He looks up at her, then goes back to his chicken leg. He waves her away without looking again.

Well, hello, tiger. If you like the taste of the chicken, I’ve got more of the sauce.

Office hours are over, go away.

Now come on, Rasputin, you mean to tell me you can’t spare some time away from that chicken leg for the best thing that ever came your way?

136. Close-up RASPUTIN POV SOPHIE.

See me Thursday. Next Thursday. Next Thursday about four o’clock. (Pause, then he remembers.) Don’t be late. I charge by the appointment, not the appearance.

137. Two-shot.

I had a shrink like that once. But instead of him shrinking my head I wound up shrinking something of his. Listen, Rasputin, I figure nobody lives up to his reputation, but your press agent has really been doing a number on the world.

138. Close-up SOPHIE, POV RASPUTIN.

What do you mean?

139. Two-shot.

I mean you’re supposed to be the greatest thing in sex since the discovery of the horizontal surface, and now you’re telling me that you can’t get it up until next Thursday. (He takes his first real look at her. He likes what he sees, but he’s all fucked out and so not interested.)

Here, take a good look. (She strips.) Pluto’s finest work, but for all the effect it’s having I should have come as a panda bear. (She goes over and sticks her box in his face.) Take a good sniff. Dip your chicken leg in it, you dummy. It’ll do me more good than anything else you’ve got. (He’s on his feet now, and pissed off.)

140. Close on RASPUTIN.

Do you dare to criticize my potency?

141. Close-up SOPHIE, POV RASPUTIN.

First I’d have to experience it. Then I’ll criticize it.

142. Two-shot favoring RASPUTIN.

Are you criticizing my organ? My organ? Do you dare to criticize the instrument of the Holy One?

143. Pan down his body to his crotch.

Look, let’s not make such a fuss over such a little thing.

144. Close-up RASPUTIN speechless with rage.

(OC) I mean, I guess once a week is enough for a man like you.

(He looks at her for the first real good look. He makes a decision while he speaks.) You’ll find me not unprepared. Certainly there is always a spare moment or two to handle special problems that are brought to my attention outside the more normal hours of daily audience. (He gets up and begins his performance. He obviously has done this a million times before and regards SOPHIE as a pushover.)

145. Close on SOPHIE. Oh-no look with a raised eyebrow.

Look, I’ve already seen the matinee per—

And as I stand here blessed with the special perception of the Deity Himself...

146. Two-shot.

...THE DEITY HIMSELF!!!! He has implanted in my mind the understanding that you have a particular problem, and thank you, Deity (Does his thank you shtik.) for sending this unfortunate to me for guidance...

147. Over RASPUTIN’S shoulder to SOPHIE. RASPUTIN continues talking throughout.

I hate to shatter your illusions...

...But before I am able to give you the special assistance you require there is a question I must ask...

...but the Deity didn’t have a damn thing to do with this.

148. Two-shot.

...so that I may better offer the unequaled wisdom flowing through my body directly from the Deity, who as you know has the most infinite of concern even for the most infinitesimal of his creatures...

149. Close on RASPUTIN. He moves toward the camera.

...do you masturbate?

150. From behind RASPUTIN. Medium close-up of SOPHIE.

Sixteen times every goddamn day.

151. From close on RASPUTIN, reframe for a medium two-shot.

You... you do?

Rain or shine. Day in and day out, in and out, in and out. (Mimes masturbatory motions.)

...you do?... (Surprised at her frankness.)... every day? (SOPHIE is nodding agreement. She is enjoying this.) Well then. (He is really taken aback.) Well then, there is only one course of treatment open to you.

And we both know what that is, don’t we?

Yes, definitely only one course of treatment. (He whirls to face her.) You must think only of distinct shapes and only in the primary colors. (He goes back to his chicken leg. He sits again on the floor and begins noisily eating. Camera zooms in and reframes SOPHIE in close-up.)

Definite shapes! Is that all that came down to you on your special pipeline to the infinite?

152. Two-shot. SOPHIE gets down on the floor next to RASPUTIN and shoves her face toward his.

I’ve heard better than that whispered in a public latrine.

Refrain from boiled beef for seventeen days.

If that’s all you’ve got for me, there goes your reputation.

What reputation?

The iron man of the bedroom. The only man with selective rigor mortis. (Stands up.)

153. Close on SOPHIE.

You know something? I think I’ve got you figured. All you’ve been doing is overcompensating for a subliminal virility anxiety.

154. Close-up RASPUTIN POV SOPHIE.

What means this — virility anxiety?

155. Close-up SOPHIE POV RASPUTIN.

It’s a polite way of saying you’re a faggot.

156. Close-up RASPUTIN POV SOPHIE.

(Really mad.) By the potent penis of Saint Peter of Parma, will you simply look at those two young women? (Indicates ANNA and KARENINA.) Personally saved from the eternal degradation of a life of sinful self-abuse. Personally brought to glorious fulfillment time and time again, beyond man’s power to count. PERSONALLY FUCKED INTO A BLIND STUPOR!!!

157. Two-shot.

Oh, be serious, Rasputin.

What do you mean?

158. Close-up SOPHIE.

What I mean is that those two could fuck themselves into a blind stupor with the stub of a Chanukah candle. They go through life in a state of preliminary orgasm. The question is whether you’re man enough for a woman like me, and I’m afraid I know the answer.

159. Close-up RASPUTIN.

All right. You have brought this on yourself. I will make you scream with pleasure until you perish from the draining of your precious bodily fluids. I will destroy you.

160. Two-shot.

I should live so long. (He throws open his robe.)

On your knees! (She shrugs, sinks to her knees.) Now worship at the throne of heaven!

161. Close-up SOPHIE POV RASPUTIN’S cock.

(Taking his cock between her fingers and shaking her head sadly.) So much for legend. (And she pops his cock into her mouth.)

162. Whole sexual montage of the two of them. After a bit of this and that on the floor, they go to the bed where ANNA and KARENINA have recuperated enough to get into the act. What happens is this: loads and loads of sexual numbers. Everybody getting into everything. ANNA and KARENINA fall out exhausted. RASPUTIN looking good in the stretch. Only one left. Two down and one to go. SOPHIE still in there strong. At this point he is screwing her from behind, pumping away like mad. We then have a shot of SOPHIE’S head POV RASPUTIN.

(She turns her head to him.) What’s the matter, is something the matter?

163. Close on RASPUTIN POV SOPHIE. Sweat, panting, the whole exhaustion number.

No, no no... Why? (Pull back to see RASPUTIN balling his brains out.)

I just thought for a moment there... I thought you moved.

164. More sexual this and that. Then the penultimate sex shot SOPHIE on her back at the edge of the bed, her feet hanging over. RASPUTIN standing between her legs and screwing. The camera undercranks so that they are balling in fast motion. In and out a mile a minute.

165. Close on SOPHIE’S face.

(She is bored to tears. Nothing’s going to happen and she knows it. Not only won’t she be able to get it off, she couldn’t even get it on.) Oh, my God.

166. Close on RASPUTIN’S face. He is a man thirteen point six seven inches from death. Dark circles under his eyes, sweat, a load of fresh gray hair.

167. Close on SOPHIE.

When am I going to see some of this super-duper screwing I’ve heard so much about?

168. Two-shot, still fast motion.

Pluto, this is impossible. Pluto, he could fuck me for another six months and all I’d get is seasick. Pluto, dammit, get me the hell outta here!!! (We hear the finger snap, and SOPHIE vanishes, and we stay on RASPUTIN, still grinding, as he comes to the realization that there’s no longer a woman under him, and he begins to collapse as we) FADE TO BLACK. CUT TO:

169. Interior of SOPHIE’S apartment. PLUTO and SOPHIE are side by side on the couch, both looking dejected. She’s naked.

You could have snapped my clothes back while you were at it.

I figured you wanted out of there in a hurry.

I wanted him out of me in a hurry, that’s for sure.

Did nothing for you, huh?

Let’s just say that he didn’t live up to my expectations. (She gets up, still totally nude; heads toward the bar.) God, I need a drink.

The work of an instant. (Snaps fingers, etc. SOPHIE has a drink in her hand.)

Pluto, how in the hell do you do that? (A knock on the door.)

Oh, my God, what a sense of timing. (Heads toward door. Stops, realizing she is naked.) Pluto, clothing, quick.

170. SOPHIE, POV PLUTO. Pluto snaps his fingers. Sophie is in a clown suit.

Pluto! (He snaps his fingers again, she is in more appropriate clothing. She goes to the door.)

(Opening the door.) What do you...?

(With a bigger gift than before.) Sophie, what do you... Sophie???? (Takes glasses off, cleans them, puts them back on.)

171. SOPHIE POV IRVING.

(Remembering she is young.) Irving, I can’t go into this now, let’s just...

172. Close on IRVING POV SOPHIE.

...I don’t believe... what, what... How did... (etc.)

(OC) Irving, will you please go back to your apartment and take your pulse. I’ll tell you about this later.

173. Two-shot favoring SOPHIE.

(Stammering throughout before this, but now really nineteenth-century lecherous.) Drink some absinthe and listen to my Paul Whiteman records. Read some Fanny Hill...

(Closing door.) Really pulling out all the stops, eh, Irving? Look, there’s no time...

174. Really close on IRVING, POV SOPHIE.

...just you and me...

175. Same as 162.

Later, Irving, later, we’ll curl up in your Morris chair and take each other’s blood pressure.

(As door closes.) Oooooh, oooooh, ooooh...

176. Two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE. SOPHIE walks back to the bar to pick up her drink. She takes a sip.

(Examines fingers.) I’m getting a callus on my thumb.

177. Close on SOPHIE.

Guess where I’m getting a callus, honey. Gee, Pluto, I’m not asking for too much, am I? I don’t expect orange lightning and bells ringing in my head. I’m not the woman from La Mancha dreaming the impossible dream. I’m not the girl from Ipanema. I’m not the little old lady from Pasadena. I’m not even Linda Lovelace, for Christ’s sake. All I’ve ever wanted is one normal, healthy, run-of-the-mill, usual, ordinary, everyday type of orgasm.

178. Two-shot.

Vaginal or clitoral?

Vaginal, clitoral, rectal, underwater, I don’t really give a damn.

Now Sophie, you know I’ll help you all I can. Your agreement with the firm entitles you to whatever setups you want.

179. Close-up of SOPHIE. Nodding, drinking.

180. PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

...and you have to make do with whatever you think up. There is a bit of latitude in the terms of the contract itself, and I’ll always help all I can.

181. Two-shot.

(She finishes her drink and puts it down.) Why Pluto, honey, that’s really very considerate of you. (Pause two beats.) Whhooooopppeeeee! (Runs to PLUTO and jumps on his lap. Puts her arms around him.) What about a little this and that, these and those?

182. Closer shot of the two of them.

(Flustered but gradually regaining his professionalism.) Look, Sophie. (He stands up and she stands with him. The camera reframes for a wider shot.) I deeply respect you as a human being but I’m here on a mission as a representative of the firm. (SOPHIE lets go of him, shrugs her shoulders and goes back to the bar.) Some of us observe and others participate.

183. Another two-shot.

(She is pouring a drink, and speaks with her head turned over her shoulder.) Well, whatever the case, Rasputin was an absolute zero.

184. Close on PLUTO.

You know, you need more than an ordinary man.

You’re telling me.

No, I mean it. You know, nonstop, enormous, the whole thing.

I thought Rasputin.

185. Medium close-up PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

...a real stallion, a thoroughbred...

186. Close on SOPHIE. She’s getting into it, too, now.

...doesn’t know when to stop, in and up to the goddamned end...

187. Close on PLUTO.

...a sure thing, an absolute winner...

188. Close on SOPHIE.

...the ultimate stud...

189. Close on PLUTO’S fingers and SNAP.

190. Close-up of a horse’s cock. Camera holds for a second, then pulls back to show the horse in a stall. Hanging from the stall is a sign which says “MAN O WAR.” Hold this for two beats.

191. Close on SOPHIE. Look of absolute disbelief changing rapidly to disgust.

Pluto!!!!!

192. Close-up of a roaring fire. Pull back to reveal MADGE’S office. She is on the chaise in her usual getup. She has a look of disgust like SOPHIE’S in the last sequence. PLUTO is pacing around a lot. She is reading PLUTO’S report. She puts it down and draws on her cigarette holder.

A real stallion, a thoroughbred.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

193. Another two-shot, this one favoring MADGE.

Pluto, the road to Heaven is paved with good intentions. (Pause one beat.) Well, Rasputin seemed like a good idea as well.

A complete disaster. A sexual Edsel. He ran her up his flagpole and nobody saluted.

You know, I suspect that no man is going to be able to satisfy her.

That’s why I opted for the horse. I thought.

194. Close on MADGE.

For brute force and endurance you can’t top Rasputin. For seduction, Casanova is in like Flynn. For whips and chains, the Marquis is unparalleled. And unperpendiculared as well. But no particular...

195. PLUTO POV MADGE, pacing and nodding.

...man will make any difference here. What she needs is a new role for herself, the fulfillment of a fantasy she never even knew she had. (Closes eyes.) I see Germany. A few years ago. In Berlin.

196. PLUTO, POV MADGE.

(Surprised.) You mean like Nazis? God knows we’ve got enough of them...

197. Two-shot favoring MADGE.

We’ve got them coming out of the woodwork. We never get any requests for them, but we’ve got a ton of them. But nobody living or dead would want to ball one of them, and I’ll tell you why. (She stands up and, after the music cue, sings.)

Hey, I like that. It’s catchy. (He joins her as they do a second chorus, and then a third chorus in which their voices are joined by as many voices as you can find. During all of this, you throw in a chunk of stock footage of storm troopers goosestepping, newsreel clips of Hitler, etc. with the voices singing over this dreck. Then as the song ends we are back in MADGE’S office where she and PLUTO are singing their brains out, doing a little goosestepping themselves. The song ends and MADGE flops back on the chaise. PLUTO plops into a chair. They are both laughing and out of breath.)

(Panting a little.) Before the Nazis... the Weimar Republic... Cabaret... Decadence...

198. Interior of an ice cream parlor. Shot begins on an enormous ice cream concoction, six hundred scoops of every flavor except uranium. Pull back to see PLUTO eating this mess. He and SOPHIE are sitting in a booth. This is a two-shot.

I’m sorry, Pluto, but you didn’t see the way that horse was looking at me.

I saw the way you looked at him.

Well, he reminded me of something.

199. PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

The Shetland pony? The time the platform broke?

200. Close on SOPHIE.

Jesus, don’t remind me. No, I was thinking that I balled a guy once on horseback.

201. PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

(Interested.) Oh?

202. SOPHIE POV PLUTO.

In the winter...

203. PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

(Shivering.) Oh.

204. SOPHIE POV PLUTO.

...in Florida...

205. PLUTO POV SOPHIE, still eating, happier.

Oh.

He was a jockey at Hialeah. He had crabs.

Oh.

He also had penicillin.

(Brightening.) Oh.

Which has no effect on crabs.

(Unbrightening.) Oh, right. No help there.

206. SOPHIE POV PLUTO. She is smoking a cigarette now.

None whatsoever. So I went home and passed them on to my third husband. That’s how he died.

207. PLUTO POV SOPHIE.

Crabs’ll get you every time.

208. Two-shot.

Eat you alive. DISSOLVE:

209. Same place, but we DISSOLVE to a shot of an over-stuffed ashtray. SOPHIE’S hand appears and stubs out a cigarette. Pullback and we see that PLUTO still has about half his ice cream. We are in a two-shot.

...before the Nazis, see. The Weimar Republic. Cabaret... Lotte Lenya... Kurt Weill... Liza Minelli... decadence...

And at the center of it—

At the center of everything, you.

What the hell, I’m game. I haven’t been back to show business since the number with the pony, but I’m still a trouper at heart. Let’s go. (PLUTO eats ice cream.)

What are we waiting for, Pluto?

Just a few more bites—

What is it with you and ice cream, anyway?

Well, it’s hard to get back home. You know, doesn’t keep well. One of the benefits of business travel is—

(Cutting in, impatient.) Pluto— (He manages one massive spoonful, snaps fingers, etc.)

210. Interior of a nightclub. The place is loaded with smoke. There is a bar at the rear and tables toward the front where there is a stage. The whole place has a bluish cast to it. Subdued lighting throughout. Each table has a red candle burning on it. There are lights in different colors on the walls. General hubbub, occasional almost recognizable words, etc. The first shot is on the bar where we see a beer mug get filled with draft and then get its head knocked off. The camera follows it down the length of the bar where it is finally grabbed and a woman takes a drink of it. There is a comedian on the stage, stand-up monologue type. The audience is the most blasé in the universe. He (the comedian) gets no applause, no laughter, only hostile stares from those who even bother to acknowledge his existence. This is a montage sequence.

(Mit German accent.) Funny thing happened to me in the theater last night. The guy next to me was masturbating. “Ignore him,” my friend says to me. So I said to him, “I can’t, he’s using my hand.” (Waits in vain for a laugh.) But seriously, folks, it’s really a pleasure for me to be here tonight. There’s no audience like a Berlin audience. Always laughing and happy. I mean, who ever saw a sour Kraut? (Waits in vain for a laugh.) Moving right along, this guy came up to me tonight and said to me, “Hey, mister, you want to get screwed?” So I said, “Yeah.” So he said, “Here, cash my check.” (Waits in vain for a laugh.) But really, folks, when I left here last night there’s this drunk outside the club. He hails a cab and leans over to the driver and asks him. These are all real conversations I’m reporting to you, folks. So this guy leans over to the driver and asks him, he asks him, “Hey, you got room in that cab for three kegs of beer?” So the driver says, “Sure.” So the guy leans in back and goes (Imitates guy throwing up disgustingly.) See what he did, he leaned into the cab and... (Trails off, still waiting for a laugh.) Well, I want to thank you all, folks, for being such a wonderful audience. You know, like Lady Godiva said when she got off her horse, “I come to my clothes.” You know, Lady Godiva was — Ha ha ha, okay, goodnight everybody, and God bless. (Throughout this dreck we have a montage of the totally bored audience. If one waiter happens to look like Hitler, that would be a nice touch. Now the EMCEE comes out, very bouncy.)

Isn’t he something, ladies and gentlemen? That was Crazy Otto, ladies and gentlemen, and let’s give him another great big hand. (Waits in vain for applause.) So it goes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a special Berlin welcome for the little girl you’ve all been waiting for, the star of our show, fresh from her engagement at the Scheisskopf Room of the exclusive Club Gotterdammerung, and now appearing live on our stage, that little bundle of dynamite, that vun-derbar Wehrmacht— (Fanfare.) Sophie!!! (A warm follow spot picks up.)

Leg at the split of the curtain. She comes on stage dressed right out of Cabaret, decadent make-up, etc. We see her, but what we hear is the audience suddenly beginning to pay attention. We have a shot of everybody staring at her, and then we close on her as she belts her big number. SONG: HE NEVER TOUCHED MY HEART

The audience loves the song all the way through and goes crazy at the end. SOPHIE vamps a guy in the audience and he does a double take. He is embarrassed, like when you were a kid and the magician called you to be a volunteer on stage. He gets up there finally and she begins to open his pants, etc.

Ach, my dear, I am a married man!

Well, I’m no virgin myself, honey.

But what will I tell my wife?

(Mit German accent.) Tell her you were only following orders. (That’s enough for him, and away they go. They wind up in some fantastic number and there is tremendous applause — throughout these sex scenes we intercut shots of the absorbed and appreciative audience. Then SOPHIE picks another volunteer from the audience, a painted-up doll whom we, having seen the script, know to be a TRANSVESTITE. SOPHIE and the TRANSVESTITE exchange a long groping kiss while the FIRST STOOGE stands behind the TRANSVESTITE and plays with his breasts and ass, etc.

It’s funny, liebchen. I don’t usually turn on to girls.

Neither do I, doll.

But there’s something about you that gets to me...

Maybe it’s... this!

And the TV lifts his skirt to display his cock, which gets wild applause from the audience, delight from SOPHIE, and the proper sort of shocked dismay from the FIRST STOOGE. They get into another delicious sexual number with the TV and the FIRST STOOGE both socking it to SOPHIE, the TV wearing as much drag as possible, just exposing his cock. Fantastic trio number and more applause. Then she gets three more guys on stage and they wind up in the flying wedge, which will not be described until we have confirmation of our international copyrights. Intercut shots of audience reaction throughout. The sequence winds up with all five guys coming in the aforementioned flying wedge. They’re destroyed, and we have a shot of the whole audience rising in a body and moving toward the stage, and SOPHIE hasn’t made it and isn’t going to, and she reacts in alarm to these dozens of potential fuckers approaching her, and

Pluto, um (Snap of fingers and away we go.)

Bit: The PIANO PLAYER who has accompanied her song also stays at the piano during the sex number, and plays various shit for us. We intercut shots of him at the piano, playing away but looking with longing at SOPHIE. Finally he can’t stand it, and leaps from the piano, tears off his clothes, and heads for the sex pile-up, and we have a shot of a player piano tinkling away without him.

211. Human chessboard. Start shot on a girl from above. A tight shot and pullback to reveal the entire thing. This can be staged anywhere we can get a floor with a large checkerboard pattern. There are sixteen white pieces and sixteen black pieces and they are just that — sixteen white girls and sixteen black girls occupying various squares on the board. We have a short montage among the girls. They all have worried expressions on their faces.

212. Same scene viewed from behind a window looking down on the chessboard. It is the interior of MADGE’S office and MADGE is looking down, studying the board. PLUTO is standing next to her. MADGE has a telephone in her hand. She has a public address mike in her other hand. She speaks into the mike and the telephone.

Bishop...

213. Shot of girl’s face on the board. MADGE’S voice is very boomy.

...takes pawn.

214. Shot of MADGE’S face through the window from the chessboard side of the window. A zoom in to her face. She is smiling sardonically.

215. Shot of the board POV MADGE. We see the BLACK BISHOP advancing on a WHITE PAWN.

216. Shot of the WHITE PAWN POV BLACK BISHOP.

217. Shot of the WHITE PAWN cowering on her square. Look of terror on her face. She is shaking her head and silently mouthing the words “no, no, no...” Then—

No, no, please, not me...

218. Short montage of the other pieces on the board. Facial close-ups. The black pieces are happy, the white pieces are sad. All are watching the WHITE PAWN.

219. Wider shot of the BLACK BISHOP reaching the WHITE PAWN.

220. Shot through the girls on the square and we see two guys with horns, tails, tridents, red body-stockings advancing also to the square. They lead the WHITE PAWN off. Dragging her and pulling her.

221. Close on the face of the WHITE PAWN as she is led off.

222. Overhead shot. Pullback to get MADGE and PLUTO in the frame.

223. Wider two-shot of PLUTO and MADGE. We can no longer see the board but the positions of MADGE and PLUTO are unchanged. There is a long horrible scream ending in death. MADGE and PLUTO turn from the window. She’s got the phone in her hand and she looks sorry-about-that about the girl’s death.

(To PLUTO.) So it goes. The breaks of the game. (Into phone.) I’ve got business, Gabriel. I’ll get back to you. (Hangs up phone.)

224. Another two-shot. MADGE folds into the chaise and proceeds to light another cigarette.

Quite a pair of lungs on that girl.

I noticed.

(Puff, puff.) I mean the lungs she was screaming with. Well, all in a day’s work. The cabaret number fell flat, huh?

You might say that.

225. PLUTO POV MADGE. He’s gotten up and is pacing again.

It was Rasputin all over again. She was into it a little more, but the outcome was no different. (Beat.) I’m almost afraid to tell you what she wants now.

226. Close on MADGE.

A Roman orgy.

227. Two-shot.

How did you...?

Pluto, honey, when you’ve been in this business...

228. Close on MADGE.

...as long as I have, you’ll learn to recognize a pattern. They always want a Roman orgy sooner or later. They start drooling at the mention of grapes. For a while we could at least talk the liberals out of it, but ever since they settled that strike in California...

229. Reaction shot of PLUTO. He’s amazed.

230. Wider shot of MADGE.

...it’s business as usual. You can’t have an orgy without grapes, you know. You can have all the orgies in the world without iceberg lettuce.

231. Two-shot.

I tried to talk her out of it. I really did.

You know what it costs to put an orgy together. You got any idea of the red tape involved? You have to damned near choreograph the whole number.

Well, you know how much paperwork this means for me.

Yeah.

She insists on it.

Yeah.

Says she’s got three wishes and this is her last wish and she’s wishing for an orgy and if we don’t like it we can go fuck ourselves.

Oh, yeah? Well, then that’s what she gets, bless her. Go do what you have to do, Pluto.

Yeah. (Snaps fingers, etc.)

232. Exterior on Fifth Avenue and Fifty-seventh Street. PLUTO and SOPHIE are walking down the street. There is music in the background which is similar to the opening music.

So an orgy it is. Things are almost all arranged.

It’s the only answer. It’s got to be the only answer.

Well, I’ll say this, what you’re getting is unique.

What!!!!!

UNIQUE. I said it will be unique.

Oh, I thought you said I was getting a eunuch.

233. Close on PLUTO as he hears this line. He winces from the pun.

234. Two-shot of PLUTO and SOPHIE. They have come to the curb and are waiting for the light to change. The guy next to PLUTO is impatient. He keeps waiting for the light to change. He keeps tapping his foot.

235. Close on PLUTO noticing the guy and then looking down to see the tapping foot.

You’ll make it this time, don’t worry.

236. Close on tapping foot.

237. Same as 226. PLUTO snaps his fingers.

You’ve got the whole firm behind you.

238. Close on SOPHIE looking over at PLUTO.

That’s a comforting thought.

239. Close on tapping foot, only now it’s tapping in dogshit.

240. Close on guy’s face as he looks disgustedly down at his foot.

241. Shot of the man doing the New York Stomp — i.e., scraping the shit off his foot, from behind and between SOPHIE and PLUTO.

You devil, you.

242. Close-up PLUTO, proud.

One likes to keep in practice.

243. Long shot from across the street to show PLUTO and SOPHIE stepping off the curb and walking toward the camera. He has taken SOPHIE’S hand and they are talking as they walk. We do not hear them because the traffic sounds and voice fade as we bring up the music.

244. We begin a short montage sequence as, at this point, the music comes on full. We follow with exteriors of PLUTO and SOPHIE walking back to the apartment building where SOPHIE lives.

245. Long shot down the hall of the apartment building. An up shot. PLUTO and SOPHIE are walking away from the camera toward her apartment door at the end of the hall. As SOPHIE passes by IRVING’S door, (PLUTO has already passed) we zoom in to get tight on IRVING’S arm coming out of his doorway and grabbing SOPHIE’S arm.

246. Two-shot as IRVING becomes visible.

What the... Oh my God, Irving, don’t you get tired of watching through your keyhole?

(He has a handful of money.) Look, Sophie, look what I have for you. You and me and my French post cards. All with English subtitles... (Sees PLUTO.) Sophie, who’s that? There’s not someone else, is there?

(Pushing him back in his apartment.) No, no, Irving...

247. IRVING POV SOPHIE.

(OC)... he’s just to warm me up for you. But, now I...

(The door is closing.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, and after that just you and me.

...on your davenport, Irving...

248. Close on SOPHIE.

...going all the way. DISSOLVE:

249. Interior of SOPHIE’S apartment. She and PLUTO are sitting on the couch. PLUTO has his bowl of ice cream and SOPHIE has a drink. As the scene opens, PLUTO gets up and, with his ice cream, walks from the couch to the shelves of erotica on the other side of the apartment

You know, Sophie, I’ve been thinking...

That’s a novelty.

Your fantasy life...

What about it?

Too much of it.

Oh, come on.

(Gestures.) All these books...

250. PLUTO in medium shot POV SOPHIE.

All these paintings, these statuettes.

251. Series of jump cuts of PLUTO in various erotic and ridiculous poses.

252. Same as 250.

You know, real sex could never match what’s in your head.

253. Two-shot favoring SOPHIE.

Look, Pluto, I know you’re thinking of me, but this one will do it. I just know it. Really.

I hope so.

254. The Roman Orgy. We open with MADGE at a table in a room other than the one used for the orgy scene itself. There is an enormous bowl of grapes in front of her and she’s glowering at it. A slave in a toga comes and takes the bowl away, and she glowers at where it was, then turns to look at the rest of the table. The camera shows us that it is the world’s longest table, filled with bowls of grapes. More slaves appear and take bowl after bowl away. MADGE continues to look singularly unhappy.

255. The orgy room itself. Close on SOPHIE’S face as someone feeds her a grape. Then the camera moves back to show her reclining on a chaise lounge with a nude slave girl kneeling beside her, feeding her more grapes, while a huge slave fans her. PLUTO is standing beside the couch wearing his usual straight clothes.

256. A montage of shots, close-ups of everyone in the world eating grapes. There will, throughout the orgy sequence, be an absolute minimum of wide or establishing shots to prevent the viewer from getting a good sense of geographic orientation. By staying in close on the various bits and pieces we create the illusion that this is being filmed in something the size of the coliseum. It is best if the viewer not tip to the fact that it is actually being filmed in something the size of a telephone booth. After the grape sequence, we begin to pick up shots of sexual activity. This sexual element develops gradually to convey the sense of an orgiastic atmosphere building spontaneously. The sex will be incredibly perverse, a Cook’s Tour of Krafft-Ebing. Everything will be intercut with everything else, along with plenty of reaction shots from SOPHIE as she walks around and almost but not quite joins in on the fun and games. In a sense, the scene is not specifically a turn-on. We will by now have reached the point in the film where the viewer is no longer receptive to erotic stimulation, so that it is more important for the sex scenes to be visually interesting than erotic per se. At the same time, this is the scene that will generate tremendous word-of-mouth publicity. “There’s this incredible orgy scene and you wouldn’t believe what they show, a girl nailed to a cross, a guy lying in a bathtub while girls piss on him, a girl being eaten out by an Old English sheepdog, a couple screwing and a guy standing next to them and masturbating on them, etc.” This will be the scene that pulls them into the theatres, but it will be anti-erotic in that it’s turning SOPHIE off and we communicate as much to the viewer. Thus, it’s erotic more in anticipation and in retrospect than in actuality. SOPHIE’S attitude as it evolves is not that this is a lousy orgy, but that’s everything she ever hoped for and fantasized about, and that it still doesn’t do anything for her. She’s not even moved to participate.

257. The final montage — the ultimate cum montage. Everybody comes. Everybody. It’s just one spurting penis after another in close-up, intercut with shots of SOPHIE’S face. Cum, face, cum, face, ad nauseam. One might legitimately call this the climax of the film.

258. Two-shot, PLUTO and SOPHIE, favoring SOPHIE. She’s disillusioned and he’s sympathetic. She runs toward him and he puts his arm very gently around her shoulders.

Pluto, take me home.

259. Interior of SOPHIE’S apartment. Start the sequence again on a close-up of PLUTO’S dish of ice cream. Pull back to reveal a two-shot. SOPHIE is over by her sexual this and thats and looking at them with noticeably less enthusiasm than she did in the beginning of the film.

Maybe you should have given it a try.

No way, Pluto. Everything I saw just turned me off more than ever. I’d seen it all before in different forms. I don’t remember who was the noblest Roman of them all, but he was nowhere to be seen.

260. Close on PLUTO.

If you knew what it took to put that orgy together. That was a big-budget operation, Sophie. The paperwork alone...

(OC) I appreciate that, Pluto.

261. Two-shot.

I mean it was a hell of a show to close in New Haven.

It was a flop. You can’t put the blame on the audience.

I guess not (Sighs.) Well, I have to hand it to you, Sophie, you did it.

Did it? The whole point is I didn’t do it.

262. Close on PLUTO.

You beat the devil. (Beat.) You signed away your soul, put it on the line and we had to renege on the deal, (As quoting.) “In the event of nonperformance by the assignee, all rights conveyed in this agreement revert permanently to the assignor.” In other words...

263. Close on SOPHIE.

(OC)... you’re out of it. You can call your soul your own again.

...I could have done that to begin with.

264. Two-shot.

True.

So I’m right back at square one. (She thinks and then reacts.) Hey, wait a minute, Pluto, I won’t buy that.

You ought to be happy. You had a couple of laughs, a few good scenes, and it didn’t cost you a cent. You...

265. Close on SOPHIE.

You think I’m going to let your firm weasel out on this? You think I’m going to settle for being a broken-down old slob again with my tits hanging down to my knees? (Towering over him, shaking a finger in his face.) No way, buster. You go home and read that contract over a little more closely. Fine print and all.

(Backing off.) I think I’ll have to, uh, consult a higher authority on this.

266. SOPHIE POV PLUTO.

(Is advancing on him, and he just manages to snap his fingers and disappear before she reaches him. We hold on SOPHIE. Her arm drops to her side. Her shoulders slump again and the emotion that she has been feeling leaves her. She seems the same way she did in the beginning of the scene. She walks out of frame and comes back dragging a large plastic garbage can. She picks a sexual artifact off the shelf, shakes her head at it, and shitcans it. She dumps a few more of them in the can and we slowly) DISSOLVE:

267. Interior of PLUTO’S office, a tiny, airless cubicle the size of a broom closet. There is a framed picture of the devil on the wall with a sign underneath saying “the boss.” The shot starts on a small sign on the front of his desk: “You don’t have to be crazy to work here but it helps.” PLUTO is sitting at the desk, using one finger to type out a form on a prehistoric typewriter. The phone rings, he answers it.

Yes?

Legal’s due for a roasting.

You mean...

We’re locked in. I went all the way to the top on this. (PLUTO glances at the picture of the devil.) He wasn’t happy at being disturbed, but the orders were clear.

And?

Basically, whatever Sophie wants, Sophie gets.

(Awed.) Carte blanche?

Not to mention Diner’s Club and American Express. An absolute blank check.

And when she wants something, and then it doesn’t work.

You give her something else.

This could go on forever. And this case has already lasted forever. Can’t they bring in somebody else?

You’re it, kiddo.

(Whining a little.) But I’ve got a vacation coming up next month. I’m booked into the Limbo Hilton for three weeks. I’ll lose my deposit.

So it goes.

But that’s Hell!

So what else is new?

268. Interior of SOPHIE’S apartment. It has been transformed. All the erotic crud is gone and there are pastoral things all over. Landscapes, statuettes of dogs, etc. SOPHIE is in a chair watching television, ideally the Dating Game or something like that. PLUTO appears in his usual fashion. We start our shot on one of the new-type figurines. We pull back to reveal the scene over the sounds from the TV.

Quite a change.

You know, Pluto, I’ve just about had it with the sudden appearances.

Do you expect me to walk back and forth between here and Hell?

You’d get mugged. But you could pop up in the hallway and knock on the door like a normal human being.

I’ll try it that way next time. Because it looks as though we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.

269. Two-shot favoring SOPHIE. She never takes her eyes off the tube.

You mean I win?

I don’t know what’s winning and what’s losing. As far as you’re concerned that is. All I really know is that I lose.

How?

(Bitterly.) I have to stay on your case until it’s resolved to your satisfaction. For however long it takes. If it takes a thousand years, then that’s how I spend my time for the next thousand years.

Oh, you poor guy!

(Bitterness softened by her sympathy.) Yeah, well, at least I’ll have my fill of ice cream.

(Moving toward kitchen.) Want some now?

I seem to have lost my taste for it.

270. PLUTO POV SOPHIE. He walks back to the couch and sits down, the camera follows and reframes another two-shot at this point.

Sophie, can I give you a suggestion as a friend? I’ve got, an ulterior motive, but I’d make the same suggestion anyway. Why not let them tear up the contract? You know, I couldn’t tell you this in advance, but Hell is no paradise. Why not get your soul back?

(Thoughtfully.) I’ve almost been thinking that way myself, honey. (Sits down next to him.) I’ve been going through some changes lately.

It shows. (Gestures around the apartment.) (There is a knock on the door.)

That must be Irving. Oh, why doesn’t he grow up? (She opens the door.)

271. Two-shot favoring IRVING.

Sophie my little dove... (He has the Mona Lisa in his hand.) Let’s be naughty.

Irving, Irving, don’t you realize it’s not that important?

...you and me...

(Gently pushing him out.) Irving, when was the last time you called your grandchildren, your great grandchildren?

272. SOPHIE POV IRVING.

Oh, Irving, appreciate the warmth of family.

Sophie, what’s the matter? Why don’t...

273. Two-shot favoring SOPHIE.

(Closing the door.) Call them long distance, Irving. Charge it to my phone.

274. Two-shot favoring PLUTO.

You know, I think the place looks one hundred percent better like this.

(Going back to the TV.) So do I. I got rid of everything. You should have seen me shlepping garbage out of here.

I could have done all that with a snap of my fingers.

Yeah, but you weren’t here. And I couldn’t summon you, because that lamp was one of the first things to go.

(Reflectively.) I never liked it

Neither did I. (Beat.)

275. Close-up SOPHIE.

Pluto? I think you’re sweet to suggest that I give up the whole thing. But I can’t quit now. I have to make another stab at it.

276. Two-shot.

Even if it costs you your soul?

Even if it costs me my soul.

Anything special in mind?

Uh-huh. I want the Boss.

(Uncertain.) The Boss?

The Man Downstairs. The Evil One. Satan, Mephistopheles, whatever you call him.

I generally call him Sir. But—

277. SOPHIE POV PLUTO. (Medium with a slow zoom to end the shot tight on her face at the end of the dialogue in the scene.)

You promised me, Pluto. You said anyone in Hell. And I think that’s still his address.

Yes, but—

Then that’s what I want.

Sophie, honey, are you absolutely sure? (Close on her face for a beat, then she nods yes.)

278. A void. There is a bed and that’s all. It is bathed in soft red light There is smoke coming up from the sides. A door opens and shuts with a heavy resounding, echoing sound. Footsteps. SOPHIE is waiting on the bed. We never see Satan... which saves hiring anybody to play him. We get SOPHIE’S awe at the sight of him. Everything is found out through SOPHIE’S reaction. The whole scene is done through a series of dissolving images and a really worked over, dubbed, echoed, and redubbed and reechoed sound track. The whole sequence lasts about two minutes. SOPHIE says or mouths or breathes “Oh, oh, oh,” then later as she really gets into it “Yes, yes, yes.” She says “God” about a hundred times. Then “Love” five times. And then in one shot she has a look of absolutely beatific angelic beauty on her face. She has had an orgasm, or is having one, and doesn’t make a sound except to breathe heavily. At this moment, in this shot, the light starts to yellow up and a glow appears around SOPHIE’S head which is in close-up. We begin a pullback to show that she is in a white robe, with wings, halo, harp, the whole number. She is on a cloud, or a damn good facsimile of one, as good as the budget will allow. Probably use dry ice on the same set as the devil’s bed. She plays the song and softly sings the music to “HE NEVER TOUCHED MY HEART.”

(Telephone.) Never lost one before, huh?

(Telephone.) Never.

It happens every once in a while.

He touched her heart.

And that was what she always wanted. I’ll tell you something — she was a bad candidate for us from the beginning. She wasn’t really hunting the big O.

She sure talked a good game.

That was all on the surface. She was tough and brassy and full of piss and vinegar but she was no sinner. It took the Evil One to give her an orgasm, and she turned him around and made a love experience out of it.

And went straight to Cloud Nine.

That’s the name of the game.

So she balled the devil and beat the devil. (Beat.) Well, I blew that assignment. The Boss did, too, in a manner of speaking, but you know who they’ll tie the can to. (Beat.) I should feel rotten about it, but somehow I don’t.

(Very gently.) Of course you don’t. You were half in love with her yourself, weren’t you, baby?

(After a beat.) Love? (Two beats, then brusquely.) That’s not my department.

ROLL CREDITS OVER SOPHIE AND MUSIC. FADE OUT AND END.