Faking It

Chapter 12

“OKAY, EXPLAIN THIS to me again,” Tilda said later that afternoon when she got home after underpainting too damn many water lilies. “Ford Brown is a contract killer?”

“Nadine bugged the phone in his apartment but didn’t put a tape recorder on it,” Gwen said, holding an ice pack to her forehead with her right hand and a drink with a purple umbrella in it in her left. “She swears she heard him talking to Clea Lewis about Davy and that it sounded like they were talking about killing him.”

Tilda sat down next to her on the couch. “Well, I suppose it’s possible. She took his money and she knows he’s coming back for it. And I think it’s a lot of money. But isn’t there some horrible penalty for killing an FBI agent?”

“Oh, God,” Gwen said. “And I rented a room to him.” She looked at the drink, sighed, and drank a slug of it. “Hard to believe that a week ago, I thought any change would be good.”

“You know, it just doesn’t seem probable,” Tilda said. “Of course, neither does the FBI thing. What did Davy say?”

“He’s been gone all day,” Gwen said. “I don’t know where…” She straightened. “You don’t suppose he’s already-”

“No,” Tilda said. “I don’t think he’s that easy to kill. I’ll talk to him when he comes in.”

Gwen put the compress down. “Exactly what is going on with the two of you?”

“Exactly nothing,” Tilda said. “We’re helping each other recover lost property. Then he leaves for Australia and I go to Cleveland to paint a Starry Night in a bedroom.”

“I’m sorry,” Gwen said and offered her the compress, but not the drink.

“Don’t be,” Tilda said. “This is exactly the way I want it. Men screw everything up.”

“Yeah,” Gwen said, looking at the umbrella in her drink. “I know that. I just wasn’t expecting a killer doughnut.”

“Well,” Tilda said. “There’s always Mason. I know he’s with Clea, but that’s not going to work out, he’s too sweet.”

“Mason wants the gallery, not me,” Gwen said. “I’ll stick with Double-Crostics. They’re annoying, but they don’t court you for real estate or try to kill your tenants.”

“Good point,” Tilda said and watched her mother drift back out to the gallery.

BY TEN that night, even Tilda had begun to fret, so she was relieved when Davy came in the bedroom door, carrying two big plastic bags.

“Pillows,” he said, emptying the bags on the bed. “Four of the best that money can buy.”

“Thank you,” she said. “That was thoughtful. Is it possible that somebody might have hired someone to kill you?”

“That’s the rumor.” Davy stripped off his shirt. “Hell of a day.”

“Nadine already talked to you?”

“Nadine?”

“Nadine tapped Ford Brown’s phone and now she thinks Clea Lewis hired him to kill you.”

“The cowboy?” Davy said. “Huh. Could be.”

He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, and Tilda thought about throwing something at him. She picked up a pillow and then decided it was too good to waste on him and went downstairs to find pillowcases instead. By the time she came back, he was in bed and Steve was under the covers again.

“Come here, Vilma,” he said, patting the sheets.

“I have a headache,” Tilda said. She tossed him two pillowcases and began to cover the two that were left.

“You know, I’ve never heard a woman actually say that until now,” Davy said, picking up a pillow.

“New experiences are good,” Tilda said, and covered the second pillow. Then she slid into bed and sank back. “Oh, these are really good.”

“So am I,” Davy said. “You want to tell me what’s wrong here? Because I could have sworn you made it Sunday night.” He flipped one covered pillow behind him and started on the next one.

“I did.” Tilda slipped a little farther under the covers. “Thank you. Good night.”

“Matilda,” Davy said. “Talk.”

Tilda frowned at him. “Me, talk? I tell you a guy two floors down is going to kill you and you don’t bat an eye. What is it again that you do for a living?”

“ ‘I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork,’” Davy said.

“Grosse Pointe Blank,” Tilda said. “This is not a movie.”

“I find it hard to believe that Ford Brown is trying to kill me.”

“And that’s because…?”

Davy shrugged. “What’s he waiting for?”

Tilda thought about it. “Instructions?”

“That must be it,” Davy said. “Since this may be my last night on earth, how about-”

“No,” Tilda said.

“You want to explain this to me?”

She tried to frown at him but the sheet was in the way. “Hey, I can not want to.”

“Yes, you can,” Davy said. “I just want to know why. Come on.” He smiled at her. “Talk to me.”

Tilda shook her head, her mouth under the covers. “I’m much too worried about Ford gunning you down. If I was under you, he’d get me, too.”

“He’s too efficient for that.” Davy leaned closer, his smile still in place. “Tell you what. Ten minutes. I’ll beat my own best time.”

“Really not in the mood.”

“Five minutes.”

“Davy.”

He sighed and pushed himself up in the bed until he was leaning against the wall, the new pillows bunched behind him, and he looked damn good shirtless in the moonlight. “Okay, then tell me why, so I don’t make whatever terrible mistake I made again.”

“You know you didn’t make a mistake.” Tilda slid deeper into the bed, and Davy pulled the sheet down so her face was uncovered.

“It’s hard to hear you under there. Come on up and talk.”

Tilda closed her eyes. “I have to paint tomorrow, and I need my sleep.”

“So tell me and get it over with. Where’d I screw up?”

Tilda thought, Tell him something so he’ll shut up, and shoved the covers down. “Okay, if I tell you, you have to promise not to get insulted or wounded or mad.”

“Oh, this is going to be good,” Davy said, sounding unconcerned.

“Listen, there’s a reason people lie to each other,” Tilda said, feeling waspish. “It keeps them from killing each other.”

Davy pulled her pillows out from under her head.

“Hey!”

Then he piled up her pillows against the headboard and patted them. “Come on. My ego can take damn near anything.”

“Well, that’s true.” Tilda sat up and scooted back against the pillows. “Okay, but you asked for it. I tried to be polite. It’s embarrassing.”

“Well, spit it out and get it over with.”

“No, that’s it. That’s what’s wrong. You. Sex. The whole thing. It’s embarrassing. And dangerous.” She turned to find Davy looking at her with his “you’re insane” look. “I don’t know you very well, okay? I met you five days ago. I don’t know anything about you and all of a sudden there you are.”

“There I am,” Davy said, sounding mystified.

“You know.” Tilda pointed to the south. “There.”

“That’s where the good stuff is. You’re overthinking this.”

Tilda looked straight ahead. “I know what I feel.”

“Because,” Davy went on as if she hadn’t spoken, “if you think about it too much, you’ll never do it.”

“Not true,” Tilda said, exasperated.

“I mean, when you think about what you’re actually doing-”

“Which I don’t want to.”

“-let alone what you sound like-”

Tilda winced. “I hadn’t thought about that.”

“-it makes you wonder how anybody can videotape themselves-”

“Oh, God.” Tilda sank down into the bed, trying not to imagine a videotape of the couch.

“-although I’m up for that if you are.”

Tilda sat up. “Are you nuts?”

“Why?” Davy said, startled.

“Do you pay any attention to me at all?”

“Well, I’d like to,” Davy said. “But you have a headache.”

“Not that kind of attention,” Tilda said, warming to her subject, “although I could point out that you don’t pay a lot of attention there, either.”

“Hey,” Davy said. “I paid attention.”

“Yes, to what you were doing,” Tilda said. “Not to me.”

“You were what I was doing.”

“It’s not like you talked to me. It’s not like you made eye contact.”

“My mouth was full,” Davy said, sounding annoyed. “And my head was between your thighs. You want eye contact, you’re gonna have to lean down.”

“I told you that you wouldn’t like it,” Tilda muttered, settling back against the pillows.

“Okay, let’s cut to the chase,” Davy said. “You came, right? No faking.”

“Yes.” Tilda stared at the skylights.

“And it was good, right? No small stuff. The real thing.”

“Yes.”

“Well, I guarantee I’ll get you there again,” Davy said, exasperated.

“I don’t want you to,” Tilda said. “That’s my point.”

“You don’t want to come.”

“I don’t want to come with you,” Tilda said. “I don’t know you, and you’re a stranger, and you’re dangerous and you’re… down there… and I’m moaning and acting like an idiot and saying God knows what and then you’re inside me and the next day I can’t even look at you.”

“Okay, so we won’t talk during the day,” Davy said, the voice of reason.

Tilda glared at him. “Is that supposed to be funny?”

“No,” Davy said, mystified. “I’m trying to be accommodating. It’s not like you’re seeing anybody else who’s doing this for you.”

Tilda turned back to the skylight. “I can do it for myself.”

“Not like I can do it for you,” Davy said, and she turned to him, amazed by his arrogance.

“Hey, I can give myself orgasms that blow me out of bed, thank you. My vibrator’s electric. It plugs in, Sparky. Now can I get some sleep?” She stopped when she realized she’d finally made him speechless. “Look, don’t take it personally-”

“You’d rather have a vibrator than me,” Davy said.

“It’s a good one,” she said, trying to soften the blow. “It’s not battery-operated. It plugs in.” When he didn’t say anything, she added, “Eve gave it to me for Christmas ten years ago, so I’ve had it a while and…” She trailed off as she watched his face.

“You’re in a long-term relationship with an appliance,” Davy said.

“Hey.” Tilda straightened. “I never have to talk to it, it never makes me feel embarrassed, and it never lets me down.”

“You know, you could say the same thing about me if you weren’t so uptight,” Davy said. “Jesus.”

“I am not uptight,” Tilda said.

“Louise is not uptight,” Davy said. “You are winched to the eyebrows.” He shook his head. “Eve gave you the vibrator. What did Louise give you? A sailor?”

“They went in on it together,” Tilda said icily. “So now you have your answer. Satisfied?”

“Oddly enough, no” He took a deep breath. “Look, this is not a problem. I’m an open-minded man. How about a threesome?”

“What?” Tilda said, outraged.

“You, me, and the machine,” Davy said.

“No,” Tilda said, heroically refraining from throwing something at him. “I do not want a threesome. Now, may I please go to sleep?”

“Honey, I don’t think you ever wake up.” Davy got out of bed.

“Oh, right, because I don’t want you, I must be half-dead.” Tilda slid down in bed. “Your ego astounds me.”

Davy stopped at the end of the bed. “When was the last time you had sex?”

“Sunday,” Tilda said savagely, under the covers.

“With somebody besides me,” Davy said with exaggerated patience.

“That is none of your business,” Tilda said.

“You can’t even remember.” Davy picked his jeans up off the floor. “You’re so damn busy running around being good, you can’t even remember the last time you were bad.”

“I remember the last time you were bad,” Tilda muttered into the blankets.

“Okay, fine.” Davy zipped up his pants and grabbed his shirt. “Where’s your purse?”

“What?” Tilda sat up as he shrugged on the shirt and found her purse on the dresser. “What are you doing‘!”

“Taking twenty bucks,” Davy snapped. “You’ll have it back by morning.”

“That’s my money!” Tilda said, trying not to notice how good he looked with his shirt open.

“You’re going to sleep,” Davy said. “You’re not going to need it tonight. Not unless you tip the vibrator.”

“I knew you couldn’t take that,” Tilda said. “I knew you’d be this way.” When he opened the door without answering her, she said, “Wait a minute, where are you going?”

“To play pool,” Davy said. “I’m going to sink something in a pocket tonight.” Then he slammed the door, taking her twenty with him.

“Men are so sensitive,” she yelled at the door, trying not to think about how good he’d looked, enraged in the moonlight. She punched the pillow he’d given her. She was really tired of his nothing-bothers-me routine, and he was way too dangerous to bed, but…

He was damn fun to look at when he was mad. She could tell he was mad even before he started yelling, just watching the muscles in his arms. And he did have skills.

Oh, hell, she thought. If he’d stuck around for another couple of minutes, he could have talked her into the threesome. Which was why he was so dangerous; he could talk her into anything. The more she thought about him, the madder she got, and the madder she got, the more she tapped her toes on the foot of the bed, until she finally gave up and pulled out her dresser drawer and plugged in her longest-running relationship.

Say what you would about General Electric, it got you where you needed to go without taking your money and slamming the door.

DAVY QUIT when he was a hundred ahead, mostly because he was so mad, he was playing stupid. “That’s what happens when you let women in your head,” he muttered to himself, and his mark said, “Ain’t that the truth.”

The walk back to the gallery didn’t help, and when he was standing in the downstairs hall, going up to Tilda didn’t appeal, either. What the hell was her problem, anyway?

He looked at the basement door. There was something down there that she kept locked up. Well, that was Matilda for you, nobody got in below. “Except me,” Davy said and went upstairs to bang on the door of the room he’d rented.

“What?” Simon said when he finally answered, looking sleepy.

“Take a break,” Davy said. “I need you to open a lock. Louise can spare you for five minutes.”

“Louise isn’t here,” Simon said. “I have high hopes for tomorrow, however. What do you want unlocked?”

“Basement door.”

“Not a problem,” Simon said and went back inside the room.

When he came back with his tools, it took him longer to walk down the two flights to the ground floor than it did to open the basement door.

“It really is a shame you’re retired,” Davy said. “You’re an artist.”

“I know,” Simon said. “But I really dislike prison. So you’re expecting to find something interesting down there?”

“I have no idea,” Davy said. “Let’s go.”

He flipped on the light at the head of the stairs, prepared to encounter one of those pit-of-hell basements that are usually under very old buildings, and saw white cement steps leading down to an immaculate hallway, so brightly lit the place glowed.

“There is definitely something interesting down there,” Simon said.

Davy frowned. “Already you know?”

“Somebody spent money,” Simon said. “Not on this lock, but…” He pushed past Davy and went down the steps and Davy followed him. The stairs ended in a short hall painted as white as Tilda’s bedroom, and Simon stopped to listen. “Air cleaner.”

“It’s cool.” Davy looked around. There were two doors facing each other across the hall and a row of empty bookcases at the end but otherwise the place was empty.

“Temperature controlled,” Simon said. “They’re storing something valuable down here.”

“Paintings?”

“That’s the obvious guess,” Simon said, looking at the door on the left. “Hello.”

“Hello what?” Davy said. “This was supposed to be my good time.”

“This lock they spent money on,” Simon said, bending down.

“Can you get in?”

“Given enough time and enough motive, yes,” Simon said. “I don’t have either. It’d be a bugger. Go seduce the combination out of Tilda. It’ll be a lot faster.”

“You don’t know Tilda.” Davy turned to the other door. “How about this one? Can you pick it?”

Simon reached over and turned the doorknob, and it opened. “The first rule of B and E. See if it’s unlocked.”

“Is there a reason everybody’s busting my chops tonight?” Davy said, and shoved the door the rest of the way open. He flipped on the light and the big room glared back at him, stretching half the length of the building, full of white sheets draped over God knows what, the walls, floor, and ceiling all the same flat white. “This family’s aversion to color is downright scary.”

Simon nodded. “Louise wears red. I think. It’s hard to see color in the dark.”

Davy raised his eyebrows. “Louise doesn’t like the lights on?”

“It’s the only thing she doesn’t like,” Simon said. “Considering everything else she’s said yes to, it’s not much to ask.”

“You’re an accommodating man.” Davy pulled on the first dustcover. “Jesus.”

Snake eyes stared back at him from a blue and green wing chair. What he first took for stripes were snake bodies, undulating over the wings and down the seat, each body striped again in more colors, purple and silver, their little snaky heads turned toward him, grinning at him dark-eyed with evil intent.

“Reminds me of Louise,” Simon said.

Davy pulled the next sheet off and found a chest of drawers painted pink with blue-eyed daisies lined up innocently across the drawers, their curly yellow petals making them look like happy little suns.

“Reminds me of Eve,” Davy said.

He lifted the next sheet and found a table painted with sly-looking blue flamingos while Simon uncovered several chairs from different dining sets covered in campy yellow and orange butterflies. They moved through the room, finding a table painted with red spotted beagles, a chest of drawers slathered with lime-green snails, at least a dozen footstools painted with frogs and fish and mice, one perversely decorated piece of furniture after another until they reached the back wall and flipped back the last and largest dustcover and found a bed with a tree painted on the headboard, its spreading branches framing two human figures, one blond, one brunette.

Davy started to laugh. “Okay, I’m getting this bed for my sister.”

“Why?” Simon said.

“Because that’s her and the stuffed shirt she married,” he said. “She’ll love it and he’ll hate it. It’s perfect.”

“I don’t think that’s Sophie,” Simon said. “I think that’s Tilda. And Andrew.”

Davy stopped laughing. “Oh.” Then he shook his head. “I don’t think it’s anybody, but it’s going to be Sophie and Phin.”

“Handpainted bed,” Simon said. “That’s about a thousand bucks you don’t have.”

“What?” Davy said, suddenly alert.

“Handpainted furniture,” Simon said. “It’s expensive.”

“How expensive?” Davy said.

Simon shrugged. “It’s labor intensive. I’m sure they’ll give you a break on the price… What?”

Davy scanned the room, trying to count while his thoughts climbed all over each other to reach the same conclusion. “How many pieces of furniture are down here?”

Simon shrugged. “Forty. Fifty. Why?”

“I think the Finster Era is over,” Davy said and headed for the door.

TILDA WAS deep asleep when Davy turned on the light and said, “Rise and shine, Snow White, we need to talk.”

“No,” she said, half-asleep, putting her pillow over her head to shut out the light. “No, I don’t want to have sex, no.”

“Surprisingly, neither do I.” He sat on the bed and pulled the pillow away. “Wake up, Judy, we’re gonna put on a show in the barn.”