Finding Forgiveness

Chapter Two

“How is he?” Ben didn’t even look up at the doorway to his office, guilt riding him with red-hot spurs. He hadn’t been able to force himself to go to the hospital to see Dave. He knew what he’d find there. Hell, he’d seen his father in that position often enough. There’d be excuses and tears, maybe a lot of anger, but no real change.

Alcoholics never changed, not until they acknowledged what they were.

Still, it hurt something deep inside to know his mate hurt that badly and there was nothing he could do about it.

“I want to see you in my office, Ben.”

Ben blanched. Rick’s voice was lethal. He looked up to find icy blue eyes fixed on him, the tension in his Alpha’s muscles all too apparent. Rick was spoiling for a fight and looking at his Marshall like he was the punching bag. “Yes, sir.” Ben put his pen down and followed Rick into the Alpha’s office. He stopped short when he saw Chela, Ted, Belle and Jamie Howard, the Halle Puma’s doctor, seated in the room. “Rick?”

Rick moved to his desk but kept his back to Ben. Not good. “If this wasn’t a mate thing I’d be Outcasting you right now.”

Ben’s knees shook. Outcast? Him? What the hell? “May I ask why?”

Rick’s fist slammed down on the desk as he turned on his Marshall. “WHY?” Ben flinched. “My best friend and Beta is in the hospital because of you, and it’s not the first time!”

Something, the indefinable it that made Ben the Poconos Pack Marshall, cracked under the lash of Rick’s anger. From the widening of Rick’s eyes he felt it too, felt that first tentative break in the Alpha-Marshall relationship. Ted gasped, his Second also feeling a minute break in their relationship.

Ben was terrified for more than his mate now. If Rick Outcast him, nothing would save him. The Pack was all that kept him sane in the face of his mate’s addiction.

“Rick, allow me.”

Ben swallowed. Belle, the Poconos Luna, was smiling at him with that inane, vacuous look that meant she was contemplating something mean and probably painful. Her blonde hair was mussed, like she’d been running her hands through the thick, shoulder-length mass. Her green eyes were blank and sparkling.

He was in for a world of hurt. When Belle looked this innocent heads rolled. Or wished they’d rolled. His eyes automatically scanned her hands, searching for the air horn she usually carried.

Rick glared at him before nodding. He remained standing, all of his attention centered on Ben and Belle. His shoulders were tensed as if…

Fuck. He thinks I’m going to hurt Belle. What the hell was going on?

“Ben?” Seemingly delicate fingers snapped in front of his face, but Ben knew better. Those fingers could grow into sharp claws in an instant. “Look at me, Benny.”

Ben turned his attention to his Luna. Belinda “Belle” Lowell was arguably the most dangerous member of the Pack, and she wasn’t even Wolf. She was a Puma, and a former member of the Halle Pride. She limped toward him, the tap-tap-tap of her cane loud in the otherwise silent room. “You’ve been a very naughty boy, Benny.”

Ben saw movement behind the Luna. Rick was handing everyone but him earplugs.

Oh, crap.

Belle patted his cheek, her claws out enough that he could feel the sharp tips. “Someone I care about is very sick, and you did this to him.”

He felt compelled to answer. This wasn’t the first time he’d felt the blame for someone else’s alcoholism. “He’s the only one who can stop drinking, Belle. I can’t force him to.”

Everyone in the room froze. From the stunned, even astonished looks on everyone’s faces, apparently they didn’t know Dave was an alcoholic.

“WHAT?” Rick roared. Ben’s eyes crossed. Damn, his Alpha was loud. “Dave is not a drunk!”

Denial. He’d seen it before in loved ones, but he knew better. “Rick, he’s hung over a lot.”

Belle’s eyes were narrowed. Fury rode her features. “Have you smelled alcohol on his breath?”

“No.” Because he never allowed himself to get close enough. If he did he was afraid he’d shake the man. God, how could Dave do that to himself? To Ben? It was better to just stay away.

“When was the last time you saw Dave with an alcoholic drink?” He opened his mouth to respond, but Belle stopped him. “And I mean you were one hundred percent, no way to confuse Coke for rum and Coke, positive.”

He realized he didn’t know for certain, other than the night of the Alpha pair’s mating celebration over a year ago. But as she’d said, it was so easy to hide alcohol in something much more innocuous looking. Hell, his father had been a master, a fucking virtuoso at hiding his drinking. “I don’t know.”

“Belle, hold on. Maybe it would help if I explained a few things to him.” Finally, the one person in the room he’d be able to relate to. Dr. Howard took a step forward, placing a hand on Belle’s shoulder. “If it comes from me he might be able to understand it a little bit better, especially if he’s been laboring under the delusion that Dave’s an alcoholic.”

Ben gaped at the doctor. He had the sinking feeling that the foundation of his world was about to be rocked to its core. “What’s going on?”

“David Maldonado does not suffer from alcoholism. In fact, his condition is exacerbated by the consumption of alcoholic beverages.”

Everything within Ben froze in horror. Condition.

Condition?

“What’s wrong with my mate?”

Belle laughed, the sound harsh. “Oh, so now he’s your mate.”

He closed his eyes. He deserved that. If Dave’s headaches were caused by something other than what he’d thought…if all the different ways he’d shoved the man away had actually made things worse, the way Rick had implied…he deserved a lot more than the Luna’s scorn. “Doc?”

“Do you know what a migraine is?”

“A migraine?” Ben frowned. Is that all that was wrong with Dave? “It’s a bad headache.”

The doctor sighed. “Yeah. That’s what most people think and, in typical cases, they’d be right.” He settled on the edge of Rick’s desk, his hands on either side of his hips. His blond hair gleamed in the light streaming in from the window behind him, giving him a halo effect. “Migraines are a lot more common in women than in men, and people who don’t suffer from them think they’re just headaches. Sometimes they even misdiagnose the problem and think they’re sinus headaches when they’re actually migraines. Those are the ones that are the most common. What Dave suffers from goes a lot deeper than that.”

Ben gestured toward the empty chair in front of Rick’s desk, relieved when his Alpha nodded his consent. It was either sit on the chair or collapse on the floor. “I’ve felt what Dave feels, and they’re more than ‘just’ headaches.”

“David suffers from unusually bad migraines, the kind you hear about and wonder how someone can live through them. Left untreated they can lead to much more serious problems.”

Ben felt the blood drain from his face. He’d felt the migraines, known the pain Dave was in. “You said I made them worse.”

Jamie nodded. “Yeah. Stress is one of Dave’s triggers.”

Triggers. Like Ben had shot him. “What other things trigger Dave’s migraines?”

“Sodium nitrates seem to be one of the main culprits. Hot dogs, lunchmeat, red wine—they all contain sodium nitrates. Dave can’t eat them at all or he runs the risk of getting sick.”

Ben nodded. He’d see to it that Dave never touched another fucking hot dog as long as he lived. “What else?”

“We’re not sure. Even eliminating most of the sodium nitrates from his diet doesn’t seem to have lessened the severity of the migraines. Common triggers can be controllable things, like reducing stress levels, avoiding certain foods like alcohol and aspartame. Or they can be uncontrollable, like weather changes. With the severity of Dave’s migraines the most we can hope for is to reduce their frequency and the intensity with which they strike. All I know for certain is he’s got to be under more stress than he’s letting on.”

Ben felt that right down to his soul. “Which means it’s my fault he’s in the hospital right now.” He’d done more than stress the Beta out. He’d essentially pointed the gun at Dave’s head and pulled that particular trigger.

“Damn straight,” Rick growled.

Ben accepted that. He closed his eyes, the pain of what he’d forced his mate to suffer washing through him. “This has been going on since he was fifteen?” When the doctor nodded again Ben damn near moaned like a wounded animal. “When can I see him?” He had a lot of making up to do. It would serve him right if Dave wanted nothing more to do with him. He’d treated the man like shit for all the wrong reasons, when he should have been trying to help him through his suffering.

Damn it. Once again the memory of his father had tainted something that was supposed to be good. How could he have been so stupid?

“Dave doesn’t want you at the hospital, and I agree with him.” Ben accepted the doctor’s words. He’d have to wait until Dave returned to begin making amends. “You could inadvertently add to the stress. Right now I’ve got him on tranquilizers, pain relievers and anti-nausea medication, and we’re monitoring him due to the increased risk of stroke. He’s been rehydrated intravenously.”

Thank God he was sitting down, because he was shaking so badly there was no way his legs could have held him. “What do you mean, stroke?” His voice was shaking. Holy hell, this was a lot more serious than Rick and Belle had let on.

“Dave’s official diagnosis is status migrainosus. The blood vessels in his brain are dilated, which increases the risk of stroke.”

He put his head between his knees. In about two seconds he’d be joining his mate in the hospital.

“We’ve got things under control but I don’t need his treatment disrupted. He’s calm, the pain is manageable and he’s conscious.”

“Are you sure I can’t see him?” If anything happened to Dave (anything more, his conscience growled) he’d never forgive himself.

“He specifically requested that you be kept away.” Ben winced, his wolf howling in despair. “I’m sorry, but you two aren’t mated. From what I understand you’ve denied the mating several times already.”

“My father was an alcoholic. A rotten one. I thought…” He sighed. “It doesn’t matter what I thought. I should have known.”

“You should have asked.” Rick sat behind the desk, the fury gone from his face, replaced by concern. Rick was one of the few who knew about Ben’s childhood. One of Rick’s first official acts as Alpha had been to Outcast Walter Malone.

Ben could already feel the soothing balm of Rick’s acceptance, knew the Alpha had begun to forgive him. The way Belle was studying him, he knew he’d have more explaining to do to the Luna and the rest of the Pack leaders. How would he explain to them about the hell his father had put him through? There were few scars on his skin, but there were more than enough scars on his soul.

“We’ve been doing what we can to keep Dave healthy, but you need to stop pushing him.”

“Yeah. I get that.” He scrubbed the back of his head before sitting up. “What’s his treatment going to be? How do we get this under control other than diet and stress reduction?”

The doc shook his head. “I can’t share that with you.”

“Because he told you not to?”

“Because you’re not his mate, so doctor-patient privilege applies.”

Ben took a deep breath and leashed the growling wolf within. “I’ll be rectifying that situation as soon as possible.”

“No. You won’t.” Rick leaned forward. “The doc said no stress, so I’m telling you. You will not stress out my Beta any more than you already have. I find out you’ve pushed anything on him or forced him into something, and I swear to God I will Outcast you so fast you’ll bounce down the mountain.”

Ben swallowed hard. Each and every person in the room blamed him for what was happening to Dave. Including himself. “The headaches started when he was fifteen. Why has it taken so long to figure out what’s wrong with him?”

Rick leaned back with a sigh. “You remember how much of an isolationist my grandfather was.” Rick’s grandfather, the old Alpha, had been unwilling to even discuss going outside the Pack for anything. Maybe if Rick’s father had lived it would have been different. Rumor had it Roger Lowell could talk his father into just about anything. But Roger and his mate had died in a car accident while Rick was still a baby, and Rick’s grandfather had completely closed the Pack off from the outside world. “He thought simply shifting back and forth would solve Dave’s problems. No way he’d let Dave go see a doctor no matter how much Dave’s folks pleaded with him. Hell, I got punished more than once for trying to get the old man to relent. He was convinced channeling his wolf would fix everything that was wrong with Dave.”

It hadn’t. The headaches had grown worse over the years. That was one of the reasons Ben had been so certain they were hangovers. That and the fact that he’d caught the man drunk on a few occasions. Thinking back he realized he could count on the fingers of one hand the times Dave must have truly been drunk. Could those strange, floaty times when Dave’s head pounded and he seemed so disconnected have been associated with the migraines?

“Now that we have access to a doctor we’re finding out more and more about what’s wrong with him. It never occurred to me to take the man’s hot dogs away.” Rick winced, because Dave did love his hot dogs. Come summertime you could find him with one in his hand and a can of soda in the other, laughing and having a good time.

Despite everything Ben had done to shove Dave away the other Wolf had remained a decent human being, playful and fun-loving. He’d caught Dave’s wistful looks, the longing there plain to see, but he’d turned away from it over and over again.

No more. Dave was his mate, and he was hurting, and it was past time for Ben to do something about it.

“That’s all I can tell you without permission.” Jamie shrugged. “Until the two of you resolve your mating issues, there’s nothing more I can do.”

“And I’m telling you to stay the fuck away from him until the migraines are under control. Got it?” Rick glared at Ben again. “In fact, I’m thinking I might send you into New York for a few days. The Coyotes want to negotiate a pass-through treaty and I’m inclined to send you and Chela to deal with it.”

A pass-through treaty would grant each Pack the right to enter the other’s territory without the need to stop and make nice. It would mean more Coyotes spending time at the lodge, even becoming regular customers if it worked out. It also meant that Ben would more than likely be gone until after Dave came home and had a chance to settle in. It would also give everyone’s temper a chance to settle down.

As plans went, it wasn’t a bad one. The urge to go to his mate’s side despite the doctor’s warnings and Rick’s threats was damn near overwhelming. Having the time to come up with a way to make things up to his mate would be appreciated, and knowing he was earning back his Alpha’s approval would calm his wolf. “I’ll go.” He stood, his hands shaking. “But you have to promise me that all bets are off if Dave is in any danger.”

“Ben—”

“No.” He glared at his Alpha, who snarled back. “If it was Belle, what would you do?”

“I did what was right.”

Ben’s jaw clenched. Rick had done what he’d thought was right, leaving his wounded Luna in Halle despite the fact that the mating hadn’t been completed. Belle had needed her own doctors and the hospital in Halle to heal the damage she’d received defending a Pridemate from a stalker. Now that the Halle Pride leaders had agreed to allow the Pack to use their facilities, Rick could allow his Packmates to go back and forth to see one of the few shifter doctors in the area. Hell, with the coming treaties with the New York Coyote Pack, odds were they’d have access to more and better facilities than even Halle had. Ben bet the Halle Pride would have their own representatives talking to the Coyotes. Cats might be lazy by nature, but Max Cannon, the Pride’s Alpha, wasn’t one to let grass grow under his feet.

Ben eyed Belle. “Will Max have anyone at these talks?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. He doesn’t inform me of his plans.” She smirked. “But he does know to keep your ass away from Dave.”

Of course he did. Belle and the Halle Puma Curana, Emma, were friends. Ben resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I give you my word, I will not approach Dave until he’s returned from the hospital. I won’t give you any promises beyond that.”

Her eyes narrowed dangerously. “Ben.”

“No. It’s the best we can hope for.” Rick’s hand slid across Belle’s hip. “It was what I could promise you, after all.”

She shook her head, but Ben knew the memory of her mate’s claiming had soothed her. Rick had marked her within an hour of her arrival at the Red Wolf Lodge, making her both Pride and Pack. He’d then handed her Lowell’s Restaurant, the Lodge’s steak house, to manage, fulfilling her dreams of owning and operating her own restaurant.

“Ben? Go pack. You’re out of here as of tomorrow morning. You too, Chela. And don’t fuck this up. It could mean big things for both the Lodge and the Pack. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Sure thing, boss.” Ben sighed and left the room. He debated going back to his office, but fuck it. He was taking the rest of the day off to pack and plan. Watching his Alpha with his Luna never failed to cause him pain and pride. Pride, because Belle really was the best Luna, despite her feline handicap, the Pack had ever had. Pain, because he didn’t think he could have that kind of closeness with his own goofy mate. The man was a perfect foil for Rick’s stern Alpha persona. People spoke to the Beta in a way they did not with the Alpha, more comfortable with Dave’s easy-going ways and hidden strength. Everyone revered the Alpha pair, but they all adored Dave.

Even him.

He remembered one of the few times he’d allowed his guard down around the Beta. They’d been bringing Belle home to Rick, her wounded hip still bothering her from what he could tell. She’d been in therapy for months before the Pride doctors had released her for what she called Lunatic duty.

He snorted, amused, and threw on his lightweight suede jacket. He could still hear the sound of Dave’s laughter, his jokes, even his taunts. He strode out of the main lodge and headed for the back cabins reserved for “employees”. Little did the paying customers know that these cabins were the nicest homes in the area.

Belle had tried not to laugh as the lodge’s sign came into view. “Red Wolf Ski Lodge and Spa, hmm?”

Ben had grinned, still tickled by the name Rick’s great-grandfather had picked for the place. Talk about throwing their presence in the oblivious humans’ faces!

“Like it?” He chuckled when she snorted. “Most of the big ski resorts around here shift into water parks for the summer, but people mostly come here from New Jersey, New York and Philadelphia for the skiing. Recently we upgraded some of our facilities to be more wheelchair accessible.”

Dave had started filling in the gaps, the love he had for the place clear in his voice. Ben wouldn’t have admitted it, but he loved the lodge all the more when Dave spoke of it. “We have a full gym, a day spa, babysitting services offered by some of the Pack females, and even a small golf course. All of it sits on about three thousand acres, a third of which is forested. Hiking and horseback riding are popular in the spring in this area. We just warn the humans to beware of wild animals. Right now, our only guests are shifters; Rick arranged it that way because…well, you’ll see.”

The Red Wolf Lodge was a huge wood and stone building. It looked like a mountain cabin on steroids. It was long, two stories high, with a vaulted, dark gray roof barely visible under the snow. The doors of the hotel rooms could be seen through the railings of the huge deck that ran all around the second story. Belle had stared through the front windshield with wide, disbelieving eyes. “Where are the cabins?”

Ben took one hand off the steering wheel and started pointing. “The cabins are around the back. If you follow the road to the right, it leads to them. Follow the road to the left, and it takes you to our banquet facilities.”

She turned back to Dave. “Banquet facilities?”

As the event coordinator for the Lodge, Dave was intimately familiar with all the Lodge’s party facilities. Ben was the money man, his sole job to keep the Lodge operating in the black. The two frequently butted heads over Dave’s more extravagant ideas. “Winter weddings are pretty popular up here. Wait until you see the room. With the fairy lights lit, it looks like a winter wonderland.”

Ben had flicked a glance at Dave, and the urge to tease his mate had been overwhelming. He’d gone with it, hoping it would also soothe his new Luna’s nervous energy. “Damn, Dave. You’re such a girl.”

Belle had covered her mouth, but not before Ben saw her smile in the rearview mirror.

“What?” Dave had been shocked, not just by the comment. Ben never teased the other man, preferring to avoid him whenever possible.

“Fairy lights?” Ben’s brows had risen. It had been all he could do not to laugh out loud.

“Isn’t that what they’re called?”

“Yeah, but… I mean, real men don’t say fairy lights. Call them Christmas lights, or, I dunno, string lights.”

The Beta’s eyes had narrowed dangerously. “Are you questioning my masculinity?”

“All I’m saying is, if I see you dancing around in a tutu, I’m not gonna be surprised.”

“Asshole.”

“Fairy.”

Dave’s eyes had twinkled, hope making them brighter. “I’m gonna kick your ass when we get out of the Pack meeting.”

“You can try, Tinkerbell. You can try.”

Belle leaned forward. “Dave?”

“Hmm?” He stopped glaring at Ben long enough to turn towards her.

Belle grinned and kept her voice low, but not so low Ben couldn’t hear her. “I think he likes you.”

She sat back and waited for the explosion.

“Oh no. No way.” Ben’s face was beet red as he pulled up outside the lodge. He couldn’t let this go any further. He already regretted putting that hope on Dave’s face. He’d known it was a hope he could never fulfill. They’d both just have to live on the mate dreams, because until Dave got his drinking under control there was no way Ben could be with him.

Dave had leaned over, an evil look in his eye. One hand fumbled the door open behind him. “Admit it, sweetie. You want my ass.” He blew Ben a kiss before hopping out of the truck, sprinting for the front of the lodge before Ben could even turn the truck off.

Ben had scowled after the Beta as he exited the car, but now, gods, now he wished he’d chased the man down, admitted how much Dave was right, and taken his mate then and there. The weeks and months since then had been pure torture as once again he did his best to keep his distance.

And he had no one to blame but himself. If he could get Dave to forgive him he’d be everything his mate needed, no matter what.

Ben stalked from the lodge, the scowl on his face warning away the few “employees” who attempted to approach him. The scent of spring, of green growing things and raw, rich earth, failed to soothe him. Nothing but Dave, safe and in his arms, could ease him today.

Ben opened his cabin door and headed right for his bedroom. Too bad he wasn’t going to enjoy it for too much longer. If Dave refused him, he had no doubt Rick would see to it that Ben left the Pack.

Permanently.