For All You Have Left

Chapter Thirty-Six Six Months Later

Once the words were said, somehow, it had made it all real. And I can’t help but notice that Jorgen had been the only one who had made me want to make it all real — to pull off the Band-Aid and start to heal. I wanted to heal for him.

I take the marriage license from Hannah and lay it into the cardboard box. Then, she hands me Andrew’s championship ring, and I catch its blue jewel sparkling in the light from the open window. My something blue. I always kept it in a little shoebox tucked away inside my closet. I take the championship ring now and the little diamond wedding ring, and I put them together into a small ring box and then lay the little box next to the marriage license.

“Here, this too,” Hannah says, handing me a little, metal pin.

I shake my head and take the pin. “No, that can stay out,” I say. “That’s actually my fiancé’s.”

Hannah just smiles back at me.

“Well, then, I think we’ve got everything,” she announces.

“Hey,” I hear a familiar voice call out from the other room.

“We’re in here,” I say.

I stretch a piece of packing tape over the top of the box.

“What about your name?” Hannah asks.

I stop running my hand over the tape and look up at her.

“I’ve been Ada for so long now. I don’t even know what it’s like to be Logan anymore.”

I think the truth is that I feel more alive being Ada and maybe also that Logan is in some way my last piece of Andrew. And there’s still a tiny piece of me that wants to leave him something.

Jorgen is standing in the doorway now. I meet his eyes, and I think he reads my mind.

“I’ve only known you as Ada,” Jorgen says. “I’ve always loved Ada.”

I slowly let go of a smile before I look back at my sister. “I’m Ada, Hannah.”

Hannah seems to understand because she gives me her look of approval.

Amsel comes in then and Jorgen pats him on the shoulder.

“Ada,” another voice calls out from the other room. “I’ve brought a lot of hands to help you move.”

The voice comes from a petite, very pregnant brunette who squeezes into the room and plants her feet in front of Amsel. Amsel puts his arm around her and kisses her on the lips.

“Thanks, Erin,” I say.

“We’ll have you all moved out and in your new home in no time,” she says, eyeing up Jorgen.

Jorgen finds my eyes, and a crooked smile dances to life on his face.

God, I love him.

“Red?”

I open my mouth, and he sets an M&M onto my tongue.

“Mmm,” I say. “Red tastes good.”

He laughs and pours more of the candies into his hand.

“Green.”

“Put it back,” I say.

I stretch my leg to where the metal links of the porch swing connect, and with my bare toes, I play with the delicate, little chains. The house is quiet now. Everyone’s gone home. Boxes are scattered in every room. There are even a few, which didn’t quite make it into the house, stacked up next to us. I turn my head in Jorgen’s lap and look out onto the field in front of us. There’s a summer breeze gently pushing the wildflowers and the tall grasses back and forth. It almost looks as if the grass is waving. I smile and turn onto my side and nuzzle back into Jorgen’s lap.

Off to the left, there’s a narrow, white-graveled driveway. It starts close and meanders to a line of apple trees, then disappears. The sky is a beautiful mix of blue and pink watercolors fading into each other at the base of the tree line. It looks more like a painting than real life. That’s my view from this porch swing — simple, untouched, exactly how I always saw it. There’s a lot to do to make this little patch of earth a home, but I can’t wait to make it a home with Jorgen.

I feel his hand come down and gently brush a piece of my hair back from my face.

“What are you thinking about, Ada Bear?”

His voice is soft and thoughtful.

“About our little house in the country,” I say.

I turn onto my back again and stare up into his beautiful sky-blue eyes.

“You know, I always saw it this way,” I go on. “I saw the tall grass and the apple trees and the long, gravel driveway. I saw it all from this porch swing. And when I looked up into the eyes of the man I was resting in…”

I stop and start to smile.

“I saw your face,” I say. “I know now it was you all along.”