Happy Birthday: A Novel

Chapter 16

Two weeks after Valentine’s Day, April was standing on the sidewalk outside the restaurant, signing for the delivery of the new dishwasher she’d had to buy. She had her apron off and there was no hiding it anymore. Everybody knew she was pregnant. She hadn’t told anyone who the father was except Ellen and her parents. And it was clear to her entire staff that she was facing it alone. They were being very nice to her, and helping her whenever possible. Two of her older waitresses in particular were being very motherly to her and said they wanted to give her a shower for the baby. Others were offering to lend her equipment she would need, and Jean-Pierre brought tears to her eyes when he gave her an antique cradle for the baby that he had found at a garage sale. It still didn’t seem real to her, although the baby kicked her constantly. But she couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have a child of her own once it was born. Most of the time, she tried not to think about it, and just went on about her work and running her business. She was exactly six months pregnant.

She was walking back into the restaurant, with her head down, following the men carrying the dishwasher, when someone behind her touched her shoulder, and she turned around and found herself looking up at Mike. He looked very serious and very somber as he tried not to look at her stomach, but he had been shocked by its size when he saw her. She looked to him as though she were about to have the baby, which he knew she wasn’t. But her belly was huge now. It had popped out in the last month, and all pretense of hiding it was over. She was a very obviously pregnant woman.

She looked at Mike uncomfortably and had no idea what he was doing there, and he seemed as though he didn’t know either.

“Hi” was all he said for the first minute. And then “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” she said noncommittally. “How are you?” She hadn’t seen him in more than two months, since the fatal day at the doctor’s when he had walked out and told her he just couldn’t do it. She hadn’t heard a word from him since, and hadn’t called him. She respected his right not to participate if that was how he felt about it. She had given him that option right from the beginning, when she told him.

“I’ve been all right. I’ve been thinking about you. Could we take a walk for a minute?” She nodded, and knew the others would deal with the dishwasher. Jean-Pierre was in the kitchen, and he had become more than just a sommelier. He did a lot of extra odd jobs to help her, and he scowled the moment he saw Mike and didn’t say hello. She and Mike started walking around the block together. She didn’t want the others to see her with him or listen to them talking. No men ever came to see her, and she didn’t want anyone to guess that he was the father of the baby, although Jean-Pierre had already guessed. But no one else had.

“I’m sorry I was such an asshole at the doctor’s,” Mike said simply. She nodded and didn’t look up at him. She didn’t really want to see him. But her heart was beating faster as she walked along beside him. And the baby was kicking like crazy. She had noticed that it did that whenever she got upset or excited about something, good or bad.

“It’s all right,” she said quietly. “I shouldn’t have asked you to come. You took me to dinner once, and all of a sudden, I wanted you to see our … the baby.” She didn’t want to offend him by calling the child theirs. It wasn’t. It was only hers now. She wanted it. He didn’t. Or she had accepted the baby, and she knew he never would. He had made that clear at the doctor’s and in his text message after, and his disappearance and silence since.

“I wanted to see it. That’s why I went,” he said as they stopped walking and sat down on a stoop. She looked him in the eye then for the first time, and it nearly tore her heart out. “And it was so real when I saw the sonogram, that it scared the hell out of me,” he continued. “It just seemed like more than I could handle.”

“I know,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, suddenly looking agitated. “That’s what I came here today to say. I’ve been thinking about it for two months, and I know we didn’t want this, either of us, but it happened. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe it’s destiny. I thought you were terrific the night I met you, even as drunk as I was. That’s why I went to bed with you. And I think I was starting to fall in love with you when I got to know you better and met your family. And that scared the hell out of me too. You’re everything I’ve avoided all my life. I spent five years with a woman and never really loved her, even though I said I did. That’s why I wouldn’t marry her and have kids with her. And you haven’t asked me for a goddamn thing. Nothing. When I walked out on you, which was rotten of me, you didn’t call, you didn’t plead, or beg or whine. You didn’t send me nasty emails and tell me what a jerk I am. You just went on with your life, dealing with this all alone. That’s pretty goddamn brave. You have more decency and integrity than anyone I know. I’ve thought of you constantly for the last two months, and our baby. And yes, it is our baby. It’s as much mine as yours, even if I ran away and was a coward. I was so goddamn scared we’d turn into my parents one day. And it took me two months to figure out that that’s never going to happen. You’re not my mother, you’re nothing like her. You’re everything she wasn’t and couldn’t be. And thank God, I’m not my father. And this baby isn’t going to be like my brother, dead at fifteen, because nobody ever took care of him or loved him. This is a whole different ballgame. April, you’re a wonderful woman. And I don’t know if I’m worthy of you, but I’d like to try to be. I’d like to see if we can make this relationship work. It’s a little bit ass-backward starting out with a baby, and then trying to figure out if we like each other. But if we do, maybe we can be a family one day. And even if we can’t, whatever happens, I’m this baby’s father. And who knows, maybe it’ll turn out to be the best thing that ever happened. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here, but if I promise not to be a shit and run out on you again, would you be willing to see me and see how this works for a while, and maybe we can figure out what we’re doing?”

“You don’t have to do that,” she said softly. “You don’t owe me anything. We were both stupid that night in September.”

“You were less stupid than I was. You thought you had the pregnancy thing covered.”

“I still forgot a pill or two, even without the effect of the antibiotic.”

“Then we were both stupid.” He smiled at her. “And even if I don’t have to do this, I want to. I want to get to know you, and the baby.” He looked nervous then, and she looked unsure about what he was saying. She had given up on him by then, and he could see it in her eyes. “Will you let me? I don’t deserve another shot at it, but I’d like to try. And if it scares the shit out of me and I can’t handle it, I’ll tell you. I won’t just run out on you like I did last time. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and I think that might make a difference.” She was impressed by the lengths he had gone to, to try to face this with her. His going to the therapist seemed like a major step to her and almost made her want to try, but she wasn’t sure. She wondered if he was capable of making a real commitment and staying involved.

“Did you come to see me because your therapist told you to, or because you wanted to?” She looked up at him with big wounded green eyes that ripped his heart out.

“He doesn’t know I’m here. I made the decision by myself last night.” She nodded, and then she looked at him again. She was happy to see him, but didn’t want to be too much so. She knew that if she hadn’t been pregnant, she probably wouldn’t have given him another chance. But she was pregnant, and in spite of her concerns and reservations about Mike, she loved him. The baby was a tremendous bond.

“Why don’t we just see what happens?” she said hesitantly, not wanting to trust this too quickly. It was all she could offer him. She wasn’t sure if she could trust him, or if she even wanted to. But she didn’t want to lose him again either. Neither for the baby, nor herself. She wanted this to work. She had a huge investment in their relationship, in her womb.

“Will you let me take you to dinner? Or visit you at the restaurant?” She nodded, and he looked enormously relieved as she stood up. He knew that her willingness to try again was more than he deserved. She looked as though she were hiding a basketball under her shirt, and he smiled. Without thinking, he reached a hand out and touched her belly from where he sat on the stoop, and was stunned when it kicked him, hard. “Does that mean he likes me or he’s mad at me?” he teased her. It touched his heart now that he had felt the baby kick.

“Maybe both,” she answered, smiling slowly. She was happy he was back, even if she was afraid he’d run away again. “And what makes you so sure it’s a boy?”

“A girl would be okay too. Is that what you want?” She nodded.

“That would be easier if I’m alone.” He nodded too. He understood. He wasn’t making any promises yet, just opening a door for both of them. It was a door he had been terrified to touch before, and now he was finally prying it slowly open. The hinges on it had rusted years before.

They walked slowly back to the restaurant, and he stood in front of it with her. “I’ll call you. Could you do dinner tomorrow night?” She nodded.

“Thank you for coming, Mike. That was brave of you. Very brave.” She knew how hard it must have been for him, and he had come anyway. Whatever happened, he had done the right thing, or was trying to, and so was she, by giving him a chance.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said softly, and then awkwardly, he bent to kiss her cheek, touched her shoulder, and walked away. And as April walked back into the restaurant, she was smiling, and wiped away the tears rolling down her cheeks.

As he said he would, Mike called her the next day. He asked her what kind of food she liked to eat these days, and she requested something bland. She had heartburn now most of the time. He suggested an Italian restaurant they both knew and liked. He said he’d pick her up at eight. And he was there promptly. She was waiting in her restaurant, and went outside when she saw him arrive.

The restaurant they were going to was nearby, and they walked there easily. He asked about her restaurant, and she inquired about his work. They had lost the ease they had previously had with each other. But by the end of dinner, with a glass of Chianti for him, they both started to relax. He told her some funny stories about restaurants he’d reviewed, and one where he swore they’d poisoned him. They talked about her family, and she told him about Jack and her mother. And eventually, they strolled back to her place. They were both surprised by how long they had sat and talked. It was almost midnight. But they had a lot of ground to cover in a short time. He invited her to go to a play with him the following weekend. The theater critic at the paper had given him the tickets, and he thought it was something she’d enjoy. It was a musical comedy that was a current smash hit. She hadn’t been to the theater in years.

The week after that, he took her to the movies, and for a hamburger afterward. They met at Central Park one afternoon and took a walk. And she invited him to dinner at the restaurant one Sunday night. He ordered pancakes again, and they both laughed. After three weeks of seeing a lot of each other, they were enjoying each other as they had before, even if only briefly. The stiffness had disappeared, and he had put his hand on her belly several times, and loved to feel the baby kick. She told him that if he spoke to it, it could hear him talk and would recognize his voice when it was born. He found that hard to believe, but lowered his face near her belly, and talked to it and said it better be nice to its mother, and that he was lucky to have her as his mother and that she was a fabulous chef. He was still convinced it was a boy. And one afternoon, they started talking about names. He liked Owen for some reason, and she Zoe. And then they decided they both liked Sam if it was a boy.

“Sam Wyatt has a nice sound to it.” She smiled up at him. They had had another nice evening together, and were coming back to her place late, after they had seen a movie. The restaurant was already closed, and everyone had gone home.

“I was actually thinking of Sam Steinman,” Mike said.

“It goes well with both,” she said diplomatically, not wanting to count on anything, but their time together was going well. They held hands now in the movies or when they walked, and even at the dinner table, but he hadn’t dared to kiss her yet.

“Do you want to come in for a glass of wine?” she offered when they got to the restaurant. “Or a cup of tea?” It was a balmy March evening, with unseasonably warm weather. It felt like spring. The following week she would be seven months pregnant, and she felt like she was getting bigger every day. The doctor said the baby was big.

“A cup of tea would be nice. I love the French decaf vanilla tea you have.”

“So do I,” she said with a smile, and unlocked the door. They turned on the lights in the kitchen, and she made them both a cup of the vanilla tea, and they sat on stools at the kitchen counter and drank it. They talked about the movie they’d seen, and disagreed amicably about the director’s message. It had been a Polish film and had a very dramatic ending. She squirmed as they sat on the stool. It was harder for her to perch there now, with what felt like a beachball on her lap.

“You look uncomfortable,” he said with a look of concern. But she didn’t want to mess up any of the freshly set tables in the dining room.

“Do you want to come upstairs?” she suggested. She had bought two ancient overstuffed chairs at Goodwill while he was gone. Her mother had a fit when she saw them and told her to throw them away and that she’d buy her new ones, but April liked them, as she did the rest of her decrepit furniture. She said she didn’t need anything better.

Feeling somewhat hesitant, Mike followed her up the stairs, and they each sat in one of the big easy chairs and drank their tea. He had enjoyed the evening with her. And then without even knowing he would or if they were ready, he leaned over and kissed her. He had wanted to for weeks, but hadn’t dared. He got on his knees next to her and held her.

“April, I’m so sorry, I’ve been such a fool,” he whispered. He wanted to make it up to her in every way he could. He kissed her again, and she reached up to him with every ounce of her being.

“Will you sleep with me?” she asked him, and he was stunned.

“Do you want me to?” She nodded. She wanted to lie with him and feel their baby between them. She wanted him to hold her. She didn’t need anything else from him.

He kissed her again, and they slowly took their clothes off and got into her big comfortable bed. He had only been there once before, and it had changed their lives forever.

Her body looked beautiful to him when he saw it. She was as lithe and thin as she had ever been, and in the center of her was the enormous roundness of their baby. He ran his hands over her belly, and felt it kicking him again, and then he pulled her close to him, and lay with her, and in a few minutes, he was horrified to realize that he was aroused, and wanted her very badly. This time it wasn’t drink or just raw sexual desire, it was much more than that. It was love.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her long dark hair, which she had loosened from its braid so it fell over her shoulders.

“It’s okay,” she said, guiding him, and he moved away from her, terrified to hurt her. She turned and smiled at him and touched his face. “It’s okay,” she said again.

“We won’t hurt the baby?” She shook her head and smiled.

“It’s allowed.”

He was very cautious with her, but he wanted her desperately. All the love and feelings he had held back for years came pouring out of him and into her, and their lovemaking was gentle and exquisitely sensual and erotic, and in the end, they both forgot the baby and plunged into the depths of passion for each other with total abandon, and then he lay peacefully and held her.

And then suddenly in the darkness of her room, he laughed. “April, I love you, but I think we must both be crazy. We’ve made love twice in our lives. Once drunk off our asses, and the second time with you seven months pregnant. Maybe one day we’ll do it like normal people.” He was a little shocked by what they’d done, but he had loved it.

“That felt pretty normal to me,” she said, and giggled like a kid. It sounded like silver bells to him in the darkness.

“I’m not doing it again tonight,” he warned her, “or the baby will come out and hit me.” In fact, the baby hadn’t moved while they were making love, and she had the feeling it was sleeping. And as Mike caressed her again, and the same urge rose in him, she made a liar of him a few minutes later.