Lone eagle

It was a full two years after he'd come home and a year after he'd proposed to her that Kate sat him down finally and asked him a blunt question. Whatever he was thinking, she wanted to know.

“Are we ever getting married, Joe? Or have you decided to skip it entirely?” Even he had to admit that he'd been avoiding the issue. He had liked the idea when he talked to Clarke, and he saw some merit to it, particularly for Kate, given her history, but it just seemed so unnecessary to him, from his point of view at least. And the truth was, he finally admitted to her again, he didn't want to have children. He had thought about it repeatedly, and knew it wasn't for him. It just wasn't what he wanted out of life. All he wanted were his business and his planes, and Kate to come home to at night. He didn't want kids or need marriage. He didn't want to be that tied down. What he was doing was too exciting. The prospect of screaming babies in the house and diapers to change horrified him. He had hated his own childhood, and had no desire to share, much less deal with, someone else's. “Are you telling me that if we get married, you don't want kids?” It was the first time he had actually spelled it out for her. She knew he wasn't enthusiastic about them, but it had never occurred to her that he had made a firm decision. And he had never before shared that with her quite as directly. He thought it was better not to. And she had been so incredibly helpful in his business that he had no desire to lose her to some screaming brat. Marriage seemed ominous enough to him without adding children to it.

“I think that is what I'm saying,” he said honestly. He had never lied to her, he just didn't discuss it. “In fact, I know it. I don't want kids.” That decision had made him question the point of getting married, in spite of everything Clarke had told him a year before.

“Wow,” she said, sitting back in a chair in his apartment. She had no home of her own, just his sparsely furnished place, her hotel room, and her parents’ home in Boston. She felt as though she had been slapped after what he'd just said. “I've always wanted to have children.” It was a huge sacrifice for her to make for him, but she also knew how much she loved him, and she didn't want to lose him. Not after losing him for nearly two years during the war. She knew what that felt like. She wondered if he'd change his mind about having kids once they got married. It was a risk she could take, but he wasn't suggesting they get married either. All discussions of that had ended months before. “What do you think, Joe?” she asked him after he had told her about not having children.

“About what?” He looked at her awkwardly. He felt cornered by the questions she had asked.

“About marriage. Have you ruled that out too?” She was upset that he hadn't told her he'd decided he didn't want children. It seemed unfair not to have at least said so, but admittedly, he was busy and had other things on his mind. He thought of his growing empire all the time, and nothing else these days.

“I don't know,” he said vaguely. “Do we need to? If we're not going to have kids, why get married?” His walls had gone up and there was a look of panic in her eyes.

“Are you serious?” She was staring at him as though he were a stranger, and she was beginning to think he had become one. She wasn't quite sure when. But everything had changed again. She couldn't help wondering if his decision not to tell anyone the year before that they had decided to get married was so that he would have the freedom to change his mind. And apparently, he had.

“Do we have to talk about this now? I have an early meeting tomorrow.” He looked annoyed, and wanted the conversation to end. Just talking about it made him feel trapped, and worse yet, guilty for not wanting to marry her. And guilt was the one thing Joe couldn't stand. It struck terror in his heart, and it was a pain more acute than any he had ever known. It brought back each and every nightmare from his past, especially the echoed voices of the cousins who had relentlessly told him how “bad” he was as a child.

“This is our life we're talking about, our future,” Kate insisted, “I think that may just be important.” There was an edge to her voice that was like fingernails on a blackboard to him. Her tone reminded him of her mother instantly.

“Do we have to settle it tonight?” He was irritated, but she was more so. She could feel him withdrawing, which made her want to clutch at him, and only drove him away more. They were trapped in a deathly dance. She was feeling abandoned by him, and sensing that in her, and the panic it caused, made him want to run.

Joe wanted to escape, and hide somewhere to lick his wounds, but Kate wasn't wise enough to leave him alone. Panic was a powerful force she could not control.

“Maybe we don't have to settle it at all,” she said unhappily, and hearing her tone made him feel guiltier and even more desperate to flee. Joe felt guilt like a physical blow she was dealing him. “Maybe you just did settle it,” she said. “You're telling me you don't want kids, and you don't see any reason to get married. That's kind of a big switch in decisions, isn't it?” His decisions affected her entire future, and she suddenly felt even more panicky. She had been patiently waiting for the right time for him, for two years. And she had suddenly come to understand that there was no right time, as far as he was concerned, and never would be. Marriage was no longer an option for him. Or for her, as a result.

“I have a business to run, Kate. I don't know how much energy I'd have left for a wife and kids. Probably none.” He was frantically seeking refuge from her, and in his own way, his panic was as great as hers, but for Joe, it translated to something very distant and cool, which frightened her as much as her advances did him.

“What are you saying to me?” she said, as her eyes filled with tears. He was destroying everything she'd hoped for, and all her dreams with him. She had only come to New Jersey to work for him to facilitate their life together, and speed things up so they could settle down. But it was the business he was in love with now. And the airplanes. Always the planes. There were no other women in his life. His planes were his mistresses, his children, and his wives.

“I guess I'm saying that this is it,” he answered her finally, since she was pressing him. “This is as good as it gets, for me at least. I don't need the rest. I don't need marriage, Kate. I can't do it. I don't want it. I need to be free. We have each other. What difference does it make if we have a piece of paper? What does that mean?” It meant nothing to him, but it meant a lot to her.

“It means you love me and trust me, and care about me, and want to stay with me forever, Joe,” that was the key issue for her. And forever was a word that frightened him. “It means you stand up and say you believe in me, and I believe in you. It means we're proud of each other. Somehow I think we owe each other that by now.” He hated hearing that. It sounded painful to him. He felt like she was trying to nail him to the floor. Or the cross. He felt engulfed suddenly and overwhelmed by what she needed from him, and he was determined to protect himself at all costs. Even if it meant losing her.

“We don't owe each other anything, except to be here if we want to be, on a day-by-day basis. And if we don't want to anymore, we do something else. There are no guarantees.” Joe was shouting at her by then, which offended and frightened her. It was his way of trying to keep her at a safe distance. He was running away. What Kate saw, and felt, was that Joe was abandoning her, just as her father had, which only made her pursue him more.

“When did this happen?” she asked, her voice rising beyond what she intended, but he had pushed her too far. She felt as though she was spiraling down into an abyss. She felt desperate, frightened, and out of control. “When did you decide not to get married?” she asked plaintively. “When did everything change? And why didn't I understand that this was what you were thinking? Why didn't you tell me, Joe?” She was beginning to sob, and it was hard to breathe. “Why are you doing this to me?” He cringed, listening to her, and felt her words pierce him like knives.

“Why can't you just let it be?” he begged.

“Because I love you,” she said miserably. But he was no longer sure he loved her. Or if he ever could, enough to make up for her father killing himself when she was a child. By then, Joe felt as desperate as she. As desperate as she was to avoid his abandoning her. It was Kate who was actually causing him to flee.

“Can we go to bed now, Kate? I'm tired.” He looked like he was drowning. They both were. They were like two terrified children clawing at each other, and neither of them was able to be adult enough to stop. They were both too scared, she of abandonment, and he of being devoured.

“I'm tired too,” she said in a tone of despair. She felt lonelier than she ever had in her life. She went to take a shower, and she stayed in it for a long time. She felt shell-shocked and unloved as she stood there and cried. When she got into bed, he was already asleep. She got into bed next to him and looked at him for a long time, wondering who he was. She stroked his hair cautiously, as though he might attack her again, and he murmured in his sleep, and turned away. She knew that in spite of what he said, he loved her, and she loved him, maybe even enough to give up all her dreams. But she couldn't see how anymore. He was afraid of loving her. He felt safer running away. And all she wanted was to be close to him.

She had made a decision in the shower that night. She knew she had to leave before they destroyed each other. He was never going to marry her. It was time to go. Her mother had been right about him all along.

She told Joe the next morning, over breakfast. She said it quietly and reasonably, and succinctly. “I'm leaving, Joe.” Their eyes met across the table and he looked confused. He was still reverberating from the pain they had caused each other the night before.

“Why, Kate?” He looked shocked, but he didn't tell her not to go.

“After what you said last night, I can't stay here anymore. I love you. With all my heart. With all my life. I waited two years for you, unable to believe you were dead. I didn't think I could love anybody else after you, and I still don't. Not the way I love you. I never will. But I want a husband and children and a real life. You don't want the same things I do.” There were tears in her eyes as she spoke, but she was trying to stay calm, despite the sinking feeling of panic in her stomach, or the knife in her heart. She wanted him to take back everything he'd said the night before, but he didn't say a word.

Joe finished his breakfast silently, and then he looked at her. It was one of those hideous moments in a life that you remember forever, visually and word by word. “I love you, Kate. But I have to be honest with you. I don't think I ever want to get married. I don't want to. I don't want to be married to anyone, except maybe my planes. I don't want to be tied down. I don't want to be ‘owned.’ There's room for you here, if you want to share my work with me. But that's all I can give you. It's all I have to give. Me and my planes. I probably love them as much as I love you. Maybe more some days. I can't love you more than that, I'm too afraid. Kate, it's who I am, and all I have to give. I don't want kids. Ever. I don't have room for them in my life. I don't need them. And I don't want them.” Joe realized with regret that right then, he didn't want her either. She was too big a threat to him. He wanted his business and his planes, and her after that. But Kate was a twenty-four-year-old girl, and she wanted babies and a husband and a life, not just the opportunity to work for him. What he had just said to her struck her like a blow, and confirmed all of her worst fears.

“I don't want a business, Joe. I want children. I want you. I love you, but I'm going home. I guess I should have asked these questions a long time ago.” She felt like an utter fool. And she felt the same way she had the day her father died. Overwhelmed by immeasurable loss.

“I don't think I knew how I felt when we started the business. Now I do. Do whatever you have to do, Kate.”

“I'm leaving you,” she said simply, as their eyes met.

“Is it worth leaving the business?” He couldn't imagine her doing that. He thought she'd be crazy if she did. Didn't she understand what he was doing here? It was something that had never been done before, and he wanted to share it with her. It was the best he could give. But right then, she didn't care.

“It's not my business, Joe, it's yours.” He hadn't thought about that. That clarified things for him, or at least so he thought.

“Do you want stock?”

She smiled at him. “No. I want a husband. My mother was right, I guess. Eventually, it matters. To me anyway.”

“I understand,” he said, and believed he did. He wanted to. But they both had a lot to learn. Joe picked up his briefcase and looked at her. “I'm sorry, Kate.” After all they'd been to each other for seven years, in one form and another, he had to let her go. He wasn't willing to be forced into marrying her. He had too many other things to think about. In public life on the exterior, he knew that he had become an important man, but deep inside, no matter how important he was, he was still a frightened, lonely little boy.

“I'm sorry too, Joe,” Kate whispered.

It was like a death scene. Their relationship was dying. He was killing it. He had made disastrous choices about their life without even consulting her. But he felt he had no other choice.

He didn't kiss her goodbye. He didn't say anything. And neither did Kate. He just walked out the door with his briefcase, without looking back, as Kate watched him go.

13

KATE'S PARENTS KNEW she had come home for good, but they didn't know why. She never explained it to them, never said anything about Joe or what had happened in New Jersey. She felt too bruised and broken to discuss it with them. And she was crushed when he never called her. She kept hoping that he would wake up and miss her unbearably, and call to tell her that he wanted to marry her and have children with her after all.

But he meant what he had said. He sent her a small box of clothes a few weeks later, things she had forgotten in his apartment, and there was no note with it. Her parents could see how much pain she was in, but they didn't press her, although her mother suspected what had happened. Kate spent three months in the Boston winter, going for long walks and crying. And it was a painful Christmas for her. She thought of calling Joe a thousand times, and she desperately wanted to, but she wasn't willing to live with him as his mistress. In the long run, it would have made her feel like an outcast. She went skiing for a few days after Christmas, and came back to spend New Year's Eve with her parents. She didn't reach out to Joe, and he never called her. She felt as though part of her had died when she left him, and she couldn't imagine a life without him. But now she had to. She had taken a brave stand, and now she had to live with it, and make the best of it. She had no other choice.

She made an effort to see a few old friends, but she no longer seemed to have anything in common with them. Her life had been too entwined with Joe's for too many years. Not knowing what else to do, and determined to have a life of her own again, she decided to move to New York in January and take a job at the Metropolitan Museum, as an assistant to the curator in the Egyptian wing. At least it called into play her art history studies from Radcliffe, although these days she knew a lot more about airplanes. Her heart wasn't in it at first, but she was surprised to find, once she got there, that she loved her job, far more than she had expected. And by February, she had found an apartment. All she had to do now was get through the rest of her life. The prospect seemed grim and endless and depressing and incredibly empty without him. Night and day, she missed everything about him. Even when she was working, Joe was all she thought of. She read about him constantly in the papers. Seven years ago he had been in the news for setting flight records, and now the whole world was talking about him building fantastic airplanes. And when he wasn't working on them, he was flying them.

She saw in the paper in June that he had won a prize at the Paris Air Show. She was happy for him. And miserable, and lonely for herself. She was twenty-five years old, more beautiful than she knew, and her life was more boring than her mother's.

She never went on dates, and when people asked her out, she told them she was busy. It was just like when his plane was shot down, she was mourning him, and missing him intensely. She didn't even go to Cape Cod that summer because she knew it would remind her of him. Everything reminded her of him. Talking, living, moving, breathing. Even going to restaurants and eating. Cooking. It was absurd and she knew it, but he had become part of her essence. All she had to do now, she was convinced, was wait a lifetime to forget him. It could be done, she told herself, she just wasn't sure she could do it. She woke up every morning feeling as though someone had died, and then she remembered who. She had.

She had been in New York nearly a year when she was in the grocery store one day buying dog food. She had just gotten a puppy to keep her company, and even she laughed at herself and admitted that it was pathetic. She was checking out the different brands, when she looked up and was startled to see Andy. She hadn't seen him in more than three years, and he looked very grown-up and handsome in a dark suit and a Burberry. He had just come home from work and was obviously buying groceries. She assumed by then that he was married, although she didn't know that for sure.

“How are you, Kate?” he asked, smiling broadly. He had long since recovered from the blow she had dealt him, although even thinking about her had pained him for a long time, and he had thrown away all his pictures of her. But he was fine now.

“I'm fine, how've you been?” She didn't tell him that she'd missed him. Good friends were hard to come by, and it had been a long time since she'd had someone to talk to like him.

“I've been busy. What are you doing here?” He seemed happy to see her.

“I live here. I work at the Metropolitan. It's fun.”

“That's nice. I read about Joe everywhere these days. That's an incredible empire he started. Do you have kids yet?” She laughed at the question. It made an obvious assumption, which was not only incorrect, but now obsolete.

“No. I have a puppy.” She pointed at the dog food, and then decided to correct the assumption for old times' sake. “I'm not married.” He looked stunned when she said it.

“You and Joe didn't get married?”

“No. He's married to his airplanes. It was a good decision for him.”

“What about you?” he asked honestly. He had always been straightforward with her, it was one of the things she liked about him. “How was it for you, his decision, I mean?”

“Not so great. I left. I'm getting used to it. It's been about a year now.” It had been fourteen months, two weeks and three days, but she thought she'd spare him the details. “What about you? Married? Kids?”

“Girlfriends. Many of them. Safer. No heartbreak.” He hadn't changed at all, and she laughed at his response.

“Good for you. I'll see if I can find you some more. There are lots of cute girls working at the museum.”

“You among them. You look great, Kate.” She had cut her hair shorter, mostly out of boredom. Her big excitement these days were manicures and haircuts, and the dog.

“Thank you.” It had been so long since she'd talked to a man her own age for more than five minutes that she wasn't sure what to say to him.

“How about a movie sometime?”

“I'd like that,” she said, as they wheeled slowly toward the checkout. He had bought cornflakes and some soda, she noticed. And he was carrying a bottle of scotch he'd just bought at the liquor store. A bachelor's diet. “Shouldn't you at least have toast or milk with that?” she suggested and he grinned. She hadn't changed either. “Or do you just put the scotch on your cornflakes? I'll have to try that.”

“I drink it neat as a chaser.”

“What do you do with the soda?”

“I use it to clean my carpets.”

They were enjoying the banter that reminded them both of the old days at school, and he insisted on paying for her dog food. He had always been generous with her, and chivalrous and kind.

“Are you still working for your father?” she asked as they walked out of the store.

“Yes, it's worked out pretty well. He gives me all the divorce cases, he hates them.”

“That's cheerful. Well, at least I was spared that.”

“Maybe you were spared more than that, Kate. Men like that are never easy. Too brilliant, too creative, too difficult. You were so in love with him, I don't think you saw it.” She had, and she had loved it. Much as she had loved Andy as a friend, he had never seemed exciting enough to her. Joe was like a shining star, just out of reach, and always what she wanted, perhaps all the more because of that.

“Are you suggesting I look for a dumb one?” She was amused by the implication, but he was serious when he answered.

“Maybe just someone a little more human. He was hard to measure up to, and a tough act to follow. You deserve better.” She was grateful for Andy's kindness in reassuring her. He was such a wonderful, kind man, she was surprised he hadn't married. “I'll call you,” he said as they started to head in opposite directions. “How do I find you?”

“I'm listed, or call the museum.”

He called her two days later, and took her to a movie. And then ice-skating at Rockefeller Center. And out to dinner. They had been together almost constantly by the time she went home for Christmas three weeks later. She didn't tell her parents she'd seen him, she didn't want her mother to get excited. But she answered the phone when he called her in Boston on Christmas morning. And she was happy to hear him. It was almost like the old days, except she liked him better now. He was comfortable and easy and kind to her. He had none of Joe's brilliance, but he cared about her. Just as she had never gotten over Joe, he had never gotten over Kate completely.

“I miss you,” he said when she answered. “When are you coming back?”

“In a couple of days,” she said vaguely. She was disappointed that she hadn't heard from Joe for Christmas. He could have done that much. It was as though he had forgotten her completely, as though she'd never existed. She had thought of calling him, but decided it was better if she didn't. It would just depress her, and remind her of everything they'd had, and then lost.

“When did you start seeing Andy again?” her mother asked with interest when she hung up the phone.

“I ran into him a few weeks ago, in the grocery store.”

“Is he married?”

“Yes. And he has eight children,” she teased her mother.

“I always thought he'd be good for you,” her mother said.

“I know, Mom. We're just friends. It's better that way. No damage on either side.” She had hurt him badly three years before. And she was still wounded. And suspected she would be for a long time. Maybe forever. It was impossible to forget Joe. They had had too much together. And he represented a third of her lifetime.

She went back to New York after two days, and was happy to see her puppy. She had left her with a neighbor. And Andy called her almost as soon as she walked in the door of her apartment.

“What do you have? Radar?”

“I'm having you followed.” He asked her to a movie that night, and she went. And they spent New Year's Eve together, drinking champagne at El Morocco. It seemed very glamorous to Kate, and very grown-up, as she said to Andy.

“I am grown-up,” he said with amusement. He had gotten very sophisticated, and she couldn't help but compare him to Joe. Joe who was unusual and beautiful and sometimes awkward. But she had loved that about him. Andy was smoother, in ways that Joe didn't care about at all.

“I skipped the grown-up part,” Kate confided after her third glass of champagne. “I went straight to old age. Sometimes I feel older than my mother.”

“You'll get better. Time. It heals everything,” he said wisely.

“How long did it take you to get over me?” she asked, feeling slightly tipsy. But he didn't seem to notice.

“About ten minutes.” It had taken him two years, but he didn't tell her that. And he still wasn't over her, which was why he was spending New Year's Eve with her. There were half a dozen women he'd been seeing who were furious about it. “Should it have taken longer?”

“Probably not,” she said sadly. “I didn't deserve it. I was rotten to you.” She was getting slightly morose from the champagne she'd been drinking. And in spite of herself, she kept wondering where Joe was, what he was doing, and with whom that night.

“You couldn't help it, Kate,” Andy said, and meant it. “He was a great love, you were crazy about him, and he came back from the dead. It's hard to beat that. Better then than if we'd have been married.”

“That would have been awful,” she said, horrified.

“Yes, it would have. So I guess we were lucky. And you needed to get him out of your system once and for all.”

“What if I never do?” she said miserably, and he laughed at her.

“You will. But not if you become an alcoholic. You're drunk, Kate.”

“I am not,” she said, looking outraged, and a little vague.

“You are, but you're cute that way. Maybe we should dance before you pass out or get any drunker.”

It had been a nice evening, and she had a terrific headache the next day, but he brought her croissants and aspirin and orange juice at her apartment. Kate wore dark glasses while she made breakfast for them.

“Why didn't you bring your scotch and cornflakes? That would have been better,” she said mournfully, with her headache.

“You're turning into a lush,” he said as he played with her puppy and smiled.

“Heartbreak does that.” She burned the croissants, spilled the orange juice, and broke the yolks when she made fried eggs for him, but he ate all of it and thanked her afterward. “I'm a terrible cook,” she confessed.

“Is that why he left you?” It was the first time he had asked her.

“I left him,” she corrected, hiding behind the dark glasses. “He didn't want to marry me, or have kids. I told you, he's married to his planes.”

“He's a very rich man now,” Andy said admiringly. There were a lot of things one had to admire about Joe, his skill, his genius, his talent, but not his judgment about women. Andy thought he was a fool for not marrying Kate, but he was glad he had been.

“Why aren't you married?” Kate asked, sprawling out on the couch, and taking off the dark glasses finally

“I don't know. Too scared, too young, too busy. No one terrific. Since you. I ate worms for a while, and then I started having too much fun. I've got time. So do you. Don't rush it. I see too many divorces at the law firm.”

“Not according to my mother, about having time, I mean. She's panicked.”

“I would be too, in her shoes. You're not easy to get rid of. Just don't cook for them. Let them find out later. I'd forgotten what a lousy cook you are. I'd have made breakfast myself if I'd remembered.”

“Stop complaining. You ate everything.”

“Next time, scotch and cornflakes.”

They went for a walk that afternoon, in Central Park. It was a crisp winter day, and there was a thin blanket of snow on the ground, and Kate felt better when they got back to her apartment. They had taken the dog with them. It all seemed so comfortable and normal. He was easy to be with. Just like the old days. And that night they went to a movie. They were spending a lot of time together. And she was suddenly less lonely. It wasn't high romance, it was more like high friendship.

For the next six weeks, they saw a lot of each other. Dinners, movies, parties, friends. He came to have lunch with her at the museum. On Saturdays they went grocery shopping together, and he did errands with her. It was nice having someone to do things with. Kate realized in all her time with Joe he never had time for any of that. He was too busy building the business, although she had loved building it with him. But it was fun being with Andy. He had more time for her, and he enjoyed spending it with her.

On Valentine's Day he appeared at her apartment with a bouquet of two dozen red roses in his arms, and a huge heart-shaped box of candy.

“My God, what did I do to deserve all this?” she asked, grinning broadly. She had been missing Joe all day, and reminded herself that she had to forget him once and for all. Even after all this time, it still seemed like an insuperable challenge to her. It seemed incredible to Kate that someone she had loved so much for so long was perfectly able to live without her. It seemed so wrong, after all they'd been through, that they hadn't been able to work it out and end up together. They had each gotten tangled up in their own fears. It was depressing to realize that fairy tales didn't have happy endings, they had sad ones. It wasn't the way life was supposed to be.

“What are you looking so gloomy about?” He could see it in her eyes. She couldn't hide it from him.

“Feeling sorry for myself again.”

“How boring. Have a chocolate. Eat the flowers, whichever you prefer. Get dressed. I'm taking you to dinner.”

“What about all your other girlfriends?” She felt guilty monopolizing him. She was still in love with Joe anyway, it wasn't fair to Andy. But she also enjoyed him, more than she admitted. She hadn't been as sad lately. He was good for her.

“My other girlfriends are joining us for dinner. You'll love them, all fourteen of them.”

“Where are you taking me?”

“You'll see. It's a surprise. Wear something fancy. And try not to get drunk this time.”

“That was New Year's Eve, you turkey. Besides, I'm entitled.”

“No, you're not. Your time's running out. Besides, he loves his airplanes better than he loves you. Remember that.”

“I try to.” But lately, she didn't even mind that. She had been thinking about Joe a lot lately, and wondering if she had made the right decision. Maybe it didn't matter if he married her, or they had children. Maybe it was worth the sacrifice, just to be with him. But she didn't say it to Andy and she wasn't sure of that herself.

He waited while she got dressed, and there was a hansom cab waiting downstairs when they left her apartment. She was bowled over by it. It seemed incredibly romantic. And the horse clip-clopped along as they rode to the restaurant while passersby and cab drivers smiled at them. And she was cozy and warm under a heavy blanket, in the closed carriage.

The carriage turned on Fifty-second Street, and dropped them off at the ‘21’ Club, while Kate smiled at him.

“You spoil me.”

“You deserve it,” he said, as they walked into the restaurant. She was surprised to see heads turn as they entered. They made a very handsome couple. And a few minutes later, they were shown to a quiet corner table upstairs.

It was a wonderful evening and a delicious meal, and they were talking quietly when dessert came. He had ordered a tiny heart-shaped cake for her, and when she cut into it with her fork, there was something hard in it. She pushed the cake away with her fork, and saw that it was a jeweler's box.

“What's that?” she asked, looking puzzled.

“Better open it and see. Maybe there's something good in it. It looks pretty good to me,” but she could suddenly feel her heart race. And when she looked up at him, he was smiling, and spoke softly. “It's okay, Kate, don't be afraid… it'll be all right, you'll see.”

“What if it isn't?” She knew what he was doing and she was frightened. Joe had hurt her very badly, and she had hurt Andy. She didn't want to do that again, or make a mistake they'd both regret.

“It will be. We'll make it all right. It's up to us to do that, it doesn't just happen.” It was everything she had wanted, just not with the person she wanted. But maybe it worked that way, you only got half your wish in life, not the whole one. She no longer believed in happy endings anymore. And Andy's version was happier than most.

She very carefully opened the box, and licked the cake off her fingers, and as she opened it, she saw a diamond ring sparkling at her. It was an engagement ring from Tiffany, and Andy slipped it on her finger. “Will you marry me, Kate? I'm not going to let you run away this time. I think this is the right thing for both of us… and by the way, I love you.”

“By the way?” she said. “What kind of proposal is that?”

“A real one. Let's do it. I know we'll be happy.”

“My mother always said you were the right one.”

“My mother said you were a bitch when you dumped me,” he laughed and then kissed her. Kissing him was better than she'd remembered. And as she pondered it, she realized that she loved him. Not as she had Joe. She would never have that again. This was different. It was comfortable and easy and fun. They would make good traveling companions for a lifetime. Maybe you couldn't have it all in life. A great love. And passion. And dreams. Maybe in the end, one was better off with a small love and no dreams. Or at least that was what she told herself when she kissed him.

“Your mother was right, about me, I mean. I was horrible to you, and I'm so sorry,” she said after he kissed her.

“You should be. I'm going to make you spend the rest of your life paying for it. You owe me, big time.”

“I promise. I'll put scotch in your cornflakes forever. Every morning.”

“I'll need it, if you're cooking breakfast. Does that mean you'll marry me?” He looked hopeful and happy.

“I have to,” she said sensibly, “I like the ring. I guess that's the only way you'll let me keep it.” She was wearing it, and it looked beautiful on her. And as he smiled at her, he kissed her.

“I love you, Kate. I hate to say it, but I'm glad it didn't work out with Joe,” he said honestly, and she felt her heart ache. She wasn't glad, but she had to learn to live with it, and maybe Andy would help her. She hoped so.

“I love you too,” she whispered. And then she looked at him with a grin. “When are we getting married?”

“June,” he said decisively, and Kate laughed and threw her arms around him. She was happy, and she knew she'd made the right decision. Or he had.

“Wait till I tell my mother!!” she said, and they laughed.

“Wait till I tell mine!” Andy said as he rolled his eyes.

14

KATE CALLED TO tell her parents the day after Andy had proposed to her, and predictably, they were thrilled. Her mother was ecstatic and asked about plans for the wedding, and she was even happier when Kate told her they were getting married in June. This was the real thing. At last.

For the next four months, Kate and her mother were up to their ears in details for the wedding. Kate only wanted three bridesmaids, Beverly and Diana from Radcliffe, and an old friend from school. She selected lovely pale blue organza dresses, her mother came to New York to help her pick her wedding gown. It was elegant and simple, and Kate looked incredible in it. Her mother cried at the first fitting, and so did her father when he walked her down the aisle.

There had been four months of parties given mostly by friends of Andy's parents in New York, and another round of events in Boston in May. There were showers and luncheons and dinner parties. Kate had never had so much excitement in her life. And they had decided to go to Paris and Venice on their honeymoon. It was all incredibly romantic, and she kept reminding herself of how lucky she was.

Some secret part of her hoped to hear from Joe after her engagement was announced, as though he would sense what she was about to do, and return to stop her and reclaim her. But she was more sensible than that, and didn't really expect him to call. She realized that it was probably just as well. It would have cut her to the quick to hear his voice again. She tried not to let herself think of him often, but he crept into her mind late at night, and in the morning as she lay in bed, thinking of him. It had been their favorite time of day. He was always there, on the fringes of her life, and her heart ached instantly when she thought of him. She continued to wonder if she had done the right thing, if she should have sacrificed marriage and children to be with him. She still loved him as she always had, that was the hard part, but she kept telling herself she was doing the right thing. And all he cared about were his planes. She never told Andy, or anyone, how often she still thought of Joe.

The wedding was perfect, and Kate looked exquisite. The long satin wedding gown made her look like Rita Hayworth, and behind her was a long elegant lace train. She wore a full veil, and when Andy looked into her eyes as she reached the altar, he saw something tender and sad that touched him to the core.

“It'll be all right, Kate … I love you…,” he whispered, as two little tears spilled from her eyes. She couldn't have told anyone, and she knew she was wrong to do it, but all morning, she had been longing for Joe. She felt as though she were leaving him all over again. But she knew she'd have a good life with Andy, he was a kind man, and they loved each other. Not with passion, but with tenderness and understanding. Whatever she still felt for Joe Allbright, Kate knew she had made the right choice with Andy and would work hard to make it a marriage that worked for both of them.

The reception was at the Plaza, and they spent the night in a fabulous suite looking out over Central Park. It was lovely and romantic, and they were both exhausted after the wedding. They didn't even make love until the next morning. Andy didn't want to rush her, they had the rest of their lives. They had never made love to each other before the wedding, and he hadn't wanted to ask her if she was a virgin. He had never wanted to know the details of her long involvement with Joe and still did not. And she didn't offer any. It wasn't the sort of thing she felt she should talk about with her husband, and he wasn't sure if it was painful for her or not, but they enjoyed making love. She seemed innocent and shy and somewhat cautious, which he assumed was lack of experience on her part. In truth, it was more that it seemed odd to Kate to be in bed with him. They had always been friends. But with a little time and effort, she found that she was surprisingly comfortable with him. He was gentle and playful and tender, and desperately in love with her. And by the time they left for the airport that morning, they seemed less like young lovers than old friends. But it meant a lot to Kate to be at ease with him. What they shared had none of the pain or the passion or the fire of what she and Joe had shared. It was easy and friendly and funny, she trusted Andy completely, and her heart was far less at risk with him than it had been with Joe.

Her mother had suspected that Kate wasn't madly in love with Andy when she'd agreed to marry him, and it didn't worry her at all. She had said something to Kate about it during one of the fittings and told her that passion of the kind she'd had for Joe was a dangerous thing. If you let it, it owned and controlled you. She would be better off, her mother assured her, married to her best friend, and Andy was.

Their honeymoon was everything it should have been. They had romantic dinners at Maxim's and little bistros on the Left Bank, explored the Louvre, did lots of shopping, and went for long walks along the Seine. It was the perfect time, the perfect season, the weather was warm and sunny, and Kate realized she had never been happier in her life. And Andy was proving to be a gentle and skilled lover. By the time they got to Venice, she felt as though they had been married for years. He suspected by then that she hadn't been a virgin, but he never asked her about it. He preferred not knowing, and he didn't like asking her about things that reminded her of Joe. He sensed more than knew that it was still a sore subject, and suspected that it would be for a very long time. But she was his now, and no longer Joe's.

Venice was even more romantic than Paris, if that was possible. They ate delicious food, drifted around looking at the sights in a gondola Andy had hired, and they kissed for good luck as they passed under the Bridge of Sighs.

They went back to Paris for one night, and then flew back to New York. They had been gone for three weeks and it was the perfect honeymoon. They came home happy and relaxed and bonded to each other. And they were looking forward to a long and happy life.

Andy went back to work the day after they got back from Paris, and Kate got up to cook him breakfast. He showered and shaved and dressed, and when he walked into the kitchen, she had a bowl of cornflakes on the table and a bottle of scotch.

“Darling, you remembered!” he said, throwing his arms around her in movie star fashion, and then crunched a mouthful of cornflakes and downed a shot of scotch. He was a good sport and a nice person and had a warm and funny sense of humor. And best of all, he was crazy about her. “My father's going to think you've turned me into an alcoholic, if I go to work smelling of scotch. We've got meetings all day.”

He left for work and she stayed home to tidy up the apartment. She had given up her job at the museum the month before the wedding. Andy didn't want her to work, and at the time she had too much to do. But now she had nothing whatsoever to occupy her until he came home from the office in the late afternoon. And when he did, she was so bored that she dragged him into bed, and then suggested they go out to dinner, even when Andy was tired. She didn't know what to do with herself all day. She talked to him about going back to work, she had no idea what to do to keep occupied. Married life left her with too much time on her hands.

“Go shopping, go to museums, have fun, have lunch with friends,” he told her, but her friends were all either working or in the suburbs with their kids. She felt like the odd man out.

They had talked about getting a bigger apartment, but they both liked Andy's and for the time being it was fine. It had two bedrooms, so even if they had a baby, there would be enough room for all of them.

Three weeks after they got back from Europe, Kate smiled at him shyly over dinner, and told Andy she had news for him. He imagined she had done something fun that day, or talked to her mother or one of her friends. He was startled when instead she told him she was sure she was pregnant. They had only been married for six weeks, and she thought it might have happened the day after their wedding, the first time they made love.

“Did you go to a doctor?” He looked both thrilled and worried, cleared the table for her, insisted that she take it easy, and asked her if she felt sick or wanted to lie down, and Kate laughed.

“No, I didn't go to the doctor yet, but I'm sure.” She had felt this way before, five years before with Joe's baby, but she couldn't tell Andy that, and wouldn't have. “And it's not a terminal illness, for Heaven's sake, I'm fine.”

He made love to her ever so gently that night, afraid to do anything that might hurt her or the baby, insisted that she go to the doctor as soon as she could arrange it, and was disappointed when she wouldn't let him tell their parents yet.

“Why not, Kate?” He wanted to shout it from the roof, which she thought was sweet. He was even more excited than she was, and she was pleased. She wanted a baby, it was one reason she had left Joe after all, and this would be a further bond between her and Andy. This was what she had wanted, a real married life. And yet at the same time, with all the happiness she felt, and love she felt for Andy, there was always an empty space in her that she could never quite fill, despite all her efforts. She knew what it was, but not how to cure it. It was Joe. All she could hope was that the baby would fill the immeasurable void Joe had left in her.

“What if I lose it?” she said sensibly in answer to her husband's question. “It would be awful if everyone already knew.”

“Why would you lose it?” He looked puzzled. “Do you feel like something's wrong?” The possibility hadn't even occurred to him.

“Of course not,” she said, looking happy. “I just want to be sure that everything's all right. They say there's always a risk of miscarriage in the first three months.” Particularly if you got hit by a boy on a bike. Andy had never heard about the first three months being sensitive before.

Kate went to the doctor a few days later, and he told her that everything was fine. She told him, in confidence, about the miscarriage she'd had five years before, and he was disturbed that she hadn't had medical attention, but he felt it was an isolated incident, not due to any weakness on her part, but because she'd been hit by the bike. He told her to be sensible, rest, eat well, and not to do anything foolish like ride horses or skip rope, which made her laugh. And he sent her home with vitamins and some written instructions to share with her husband, and told her to come back to see him in a month. The baby was due in early March.

And as she walked home to their apartment, she strolled along the edge of Central Park, thinking how lucky she was. She was happy, loved, married, had a great husband, and she was having a baby. All her dreams had come true, and she knew finally that she had done the right thing when she married Andy. They were going to have a great life.

They told her parents about the baby finally when they went to stay with them for a week at the end of August, in Cape Cod. Her mother was beside herself with excitement, and her father was pleased for them.

“I told you he'd be perfect for her,” Elizabeth beamed at her husband after Kate and Andy went back to New York.

“Why? Because he got her pregnant?” Clarke teased her. He had been fond of Joe, but he agreed with her, Andy was the right husband for Kate, and he was happy for them.

“No, because he's a good man. And having a baby will do her a world of good. It'll ground her and settle her down, and make her feel closer to him.”

“And give her lots of work!” Clarke laughed. But she had nothing else to do. She was ready for a family. She was twenty-six years old, which was certainly old enough, and older than most of her friends when they'd had their first babies. Most of the girls she'd gone to school with already had two or three. There had been a wave of young people who'd gotten married right after the war, and were having babies every year to make up for lost time. Compared to them, and those who had gotten married before the war, Kate was off to a late start.

Kate felt well during her entire pregnancy And by Christmas, Andy said she looked like a balloon. She was nearly seven months pregnant, and she herself thought she was huge. She hadn't gained weight anywhere, it seemed, except around the baby, the rest of her looked elegant and thin. She went for long walks every day, slept a lot, ate well, and was the picture of good health. There was only one small scare on New Year's Eve. They went dancing with friends at El Morocco, they had an active social life these days, mostly with friends of Andy's, or people he met through work, and when they got home at two o'clock in the morning, she started having contractions. She felt guilty because she'd danced a lot and had several glasses of champagne. Andy called the doctor and he told them to come to the hospital right away, and when he checked her, the doctor told her he wanted her to stay for the rest of the night, just to make sure she didn't go into labor. Kate looked terrified, and Andy said he'd spend the night with her, and one of the nurses set up a cot for him next to her bed.

“How do you feel, Kate?” he asked as they lay there, she on the comfortable hospital bed, and he on the narrow cot beside her.

“Scared,” she said honestly. “What if I have the baby early?”

“You won't, I think you just overdid it a little. I think it was that last mambo that did you in.” She guffawed, and he grinned.

“That was fun,” they always had a good time together, and he was so good to her.

“Apparently, the baby didn't think so. Or maybe he did.”

“What if something happens and we lose the baby?” She rolled over on her side to look at him, and he reached up and took her hand and held it in his.

“What if you stop worrying for a few minutes? How about that?” And then he asked her something she hadn't been prepared for. He had been wondering about it for a while. “Why do you worry so much about losing the baby?” He met her eyes squarely with his. His were the color of melted chocolate, his dark hair was tousled, and he looked very handsome as he lay on the cot, looking up at her.

“I think everyone worries about that,” she said, and looked away from him.

“Kate?”

There was a long pause. “Yes?”

“Have you ever been pregnant before?” It was a question she didn't want to answer, but she also didn't want to lie to him.

The pause this time was even longer. “Yes,” she looked down at him sadly, she didn't want to hurt him, and was afraid that she had.

“I thought so.” He didn't seem too devastated by the information. “What happened?”

“I got hit by a bike at Radcliffe, and lost it,” she said simply, looking sad.

“I remember that, the bike incident, I mean,” he said pensively, “you had a concussion. How pregnant were you?”

“About two and a half months. I had decided to have it. I never told Joe while I was pregnant, or my parents ever. I told Joe about it much later, when he was home on leave.”

“Your parents would have loved that,” he said, looking at her. But it didn't matter, except that he was sorry for the pain she'd been through. But she was his now, and as she lay on the hospital bed talking to him, he smiled at the sight of her enormous stomach. “Everything's going to be fine this time, Kate. You'll see. We're going to have a beautiful baby.” He leaned over and kissed her as he said it, and she was reminded once again of how lucky she was to have him. She wouldn't even let herself think of Joe. Perhaps now, it would finally be over, maybe she could be free of him at last.

They left the hospital the next morning, hand in hand, and she spent the rest of the week resting. And after that she was fine, and had no more contractions, until early one Sunday morning, when she woke him. She had been lying in bed for two hours, while he slept, timing contractions. And finally, she nudged him.

“Hmm … yeah?… time for scotch and cornflakes?”

“Better than that,” she smiled at him, feeling remarkably calm, “time for baby.”

“Now?” He sat up with a start, looking panicked, and she laughed at him. “Should I get dressed?”

“I think you'll look silly going to the hospital like that. Cute though.” He had been lying in bed naked.

“Okay, okay. I'll hurry. Did you call the doctor?”

“Not yet.” She smiled at him as he hurried around the room, picking up clothes and dropping them. She looked like the Mona Lisa. And he looked nervous and disorganized, but very sweet.

Half an hour later, she was showered and dressed, her hair was neatly combed, and he looked slightly disheveled but very attentive. He had an arm around her and was carrying her suitcase. And when they checked into the hospital, the nurse said she was making good progress. And as soon as she said it, they dismissed Andy. He was sent to the waiting room to smoke with the other fathers.

“How long will it be?” he asked the nurse nervously as he left Kate.

“Not for a while, Mr. Scott,” she said, closed the door firmly behind him, and returned to her patient. Kate was getting uncomfortable, and she wanted Andy, but it was against hospital policy for him to be there. And for the first time then, she was frightened.

Three hours later, she was still making progress, but it was slow going, and Andy's nerves were frayed while he waited. They had gotten to the hospital at nine, and by noon he had heard nothing. And whenever he inquired, they brushed him off, it seemed to be taking forever for the baby to come.

It was four o'clock when they took her to the delivery room, which was right on schedule from their point of view, but by then Kate was miserable and crying. All she wanted was Andy. He hadn't eaten all day by then, and had seen other fathers come and go, and some who had waited longer than he had. It seemed like an endless process, and all he wished was that he could be with her. The baby seemed to be taking an eternity to get there, and he was hoping things would be easy for her. In fact, they weren't, she was having a big baby, and it was going slowly. It seemed interminable to both of them.

At seven o'clock that night, the doctors contemplated performing a cesarean section, but ultimately decided to let Kate continue to go normally for a while longer, and finally two hours later, Reed Clarke Scott appeared, named for both their fathers. He weighed just under ten pounds, and had a shock of dark hair like his father's, but Andy thought he looked like Kate. He had never seen anything more beautiful than Kate, lying in bed afterward with her hair combed, in a pink bed jacket, holding their sleeping baby.

“He's so perfect,” Andy whispered. The twelve hours in the waiting room, worrying about them, had nearly driven him crazy. But she looked remarkably calm and happy as she held Andy's hand, she was tired but she looked fulfilled and peaceful. Her dreams had finally come true. Her mother had been right. She had done the right thing, and now she was sure.

Kate and the baby stayed in the hospital for five days, and then Andy took them home with a nurse they'd hired for four weeks. He had bought flowers for her and put them all over the house, and he held the baby while she settled into bed in their bedroom. The doctor wanted her to have three weeks bed rest, which was standard for new mothers. And they had put a bassinet next to their bed, where the baby slept, and whenever he woke, she nursed him, as Andy watched in fascination.

“You look so beautiful, Kate.” He was thinking that they had both been worth waiting for. Good things were, in his opinion. And the baby absolutely delighted him. He was pink and round and perfect.

Kate was twenty-seven when Reed was born. She was a lot older than most of her friends when she had her first baby, but she was ready for him. She was calm and mature, and she was wonderful with him, and loved nursing. She felt as though she had waited an entire lifetime for this time in her life, and she thoroughly enjoyed it, and her husband. They had never been as happy in their lives.

15

REED WAS TWO AND A HALF MONTHS OLD in May when Andy came home from work one night, looking excited. He had been named to be part of a commission going to Germany to hear testimony in the ongoing war trials. They had been going for quite some time, and lawyers of varying specialties were being recruited for several months each. Andy had been getting various kinds of legal experience at his father's law firm, and being invited to participate in the war crimes trials was an enormous honor for him.

“Can I come with you?” Kate was excited, it sounded challenging and interesting and she wanted to be there to watch him work.

“I don't think so, sweetheart. We're going to be billeted in military barracks. The accommodations are bare bones, but the work is going to be wonderful.” He was thrilled to be going, although he hated to leave her and Reed.

“How long will you be there?” It occurred to her that it didn't sound like a two-day trip, maybe not even a two-week one.

“That's the hard part,” he said apologetically. He had considered it carefully before he accepted. They had wanted to know on the spot if he would do it, but he was sure that Kate would want him to be part of something so exceptional. It was an opportunity he had wanted, but never expected. “I have to be there for three or four months,” he said, looking unhappy, and Kate was startled.

“Wow! That's a long time, Andy.” And he was going to miss so much time with the baby.

“I asked if we can get away for a few days for a break, maybe in the middle, but they said it would be impossible. I'm going to be stuck there and none of the men are taking their wives. There are no accommodations for them.” For three or four months, it would be like being in the army, in the legal corps, but since he'd never done military service, or been in the war, he felt that this was an opportunity to serve his country. “I'm sorry, baby. We'll do something nice afterward, like take a vacation.” He wanted to take her to California because he had loved it there.

“Okay, well, I guess I'll just have to keep busy.”

“I think the young prince will take care of that for you.” He seemed to keep Kate on her toes tending to his needs and nursing. At least she had him, otherwise she would have been really lonely in Andy's absence. “Do you want to go to Boston and stay with your parents?”

Kate shook her head in answer. “My mother would love it, having Reed there. But she'd drive me crazy. We'll stay here and keep the home fires burning. Just don't forget to take scotch for your cornflakes.”

“Thank you for being a good sport about it, Kate,” he said, as he kissed her.

“Do I have a choice? Can I be bratty?” She smiled. She knew she'd miss him but she was pleased for him. It was an honor to be asked.

“You could be bratty, but I'm glad you aren't. I really want to do this. It's important work.” She had been a very good sport, and he loved her all the more for that.

“I know it is.” She respected him a lot for it, and wouldn't have done anything to stop him. “When do you go?” He still hadn't told her.

“In four weeks,” he said, grimacing, and she threw a pillow at him.

“You turkey. You'll be gone all summer.” And then some. He was leaving on the first of July and they had told the attorneys who had agreed to go not to expect to be back in the States until late October. They were coming from all over the country and flying to Germany on a military plane.

As Kate helped Andy organize his papers and pack in the ensuing weeks, she began to realize how lonely it was going to be for her, being in the apartment alone, with the baby. In a year of being married to Andy, she had gotten used to his company, and now she couldn't imagine being without him. Four months was going to seem endless, to both of them.

Two days later, on their first anniversary, he gave her a beautiful diamond bracelet from Cartier. She was bowled over. She had bought him a watch at Tiffany, but it wasn't nearly as impressive as the bracelet he'd given her.

“Andy, you spoil me!” She looked thrilled and he was pleased. He was good to her, and enjoyed doing it, he was happy with her, far more than even he had expected. She was a good wife, a wonderful mother, and a terrific companion. He loved being with her, and making love to her, and laughing with her. They truly were best friends.

“That's for being a good sport above and beyond the call of duty.”

“Maybe you should go away more often,” she said, smiling at him. They had a wonderful evening at the Stork Club.

And when he left on the first of July, they were both sad. She brought the baby when she took him to the airport and saw him off. There were five attorneys leaving from New York, on a military flight. The others were all coming from other cities. Andy kissed her and held her for a long moment before he left. He said he'd try to call her, but didn't think he'd have the chance too often.

“I'll write to you,” he promised, but she suspected more than he did that he wouldn't have time. It was going to be a long, lonely four months without him. As hesitant as she had been about marrying him, now she couldn't imagine a day without him in it. He kissed the baby, and her again, and then ran to catch the plane before he missed it. He was the youngest of the group leaving from New York, and the other wives all smiled at her, as she carried the baby out of the terminal. Reed was three and a half months old, and he would be doing all kinds of things by the time Andy saw him again. She had promised to take lots of pictures.

Kate spent the Fourth of July in New York, and it was sweltering. She and the baby hardly ever went out, since they had air conditioning, and the rest of the month was scarcely better. She would take the baby to the park early in the morning, and try to be home by eleven, and then they'd stay in all afternoon, and go out at the end of the day to get some air as the streets started to cool. But in spite of the baby, and the effort she made to keep herself busy, she was surprisingly lonely without Andy She missed him a lot.

She was pushing Reed in his pram late one afternoon, after they'd been to the zoo, and she wandered past the Plaza Hotel and down Fifth Avenue to look in the store windows. She had just crossed Fifth Avenue when someone dashed across the street and bumped into her. It startled her, and she looked up from checking the baby, they were still standing in the middle of the street, and she found herself looking into the eyes of Joe Allbright. She just stood there for a minute staring at him, she had thought of him so often and never expected to see him again, except in the newspapers.

“Hi, Kate.” It was as though they had seen each other that morning. Nothing had changed. He looked exactly the same. Except there was none of the hardness she had seen on that last day, none of the cruel words, or the disappointment. There was just that incredible face and those blue eyes boring into her, looking as though he'd been waiting for her, but she knew that was an illusion. He could have called her and never had. There were times when, even shy as he was, Joe could be incredibly charming. And he looked that way now. As though he'd been waiting for her for three years.

Horns were honking at them as the light changed, and he took her by the arm, as she pushed the pram, and escorted her to the corner. He helped her up onto the curb, and then smiled as he looked at the baby.

“Who's that?” he asked, with a look of amusement, as the baby crowed at him, as though he was happy to see Joe.

“That's my son Reed,” she said proudly. “He's three months old.”

“He's a handsome guy,” he said thoughtfully, and then smiled gently at her, “he looks just like you, Kate. I didn't know you were married, or are you?” The question would have been insulting from anyone else, but that was the way Joe was. To him, having a baby did not automatically mean one had to be married. He was a little advanced in his thinking, or maybe just backward. Sometimes it was hard to decide which.

“I've been married for a year, almost exactly.”

“You didn't waste any time having the baby,” he said, but that didn't surprise him. He knew that was what she wanted. She had made that clear when she left him. He hadn't seen her in nearly three years, but she looked no different. If anything, she looked better, as did he. He was thirty-nine years old, but no one would have guessed his age. He had an eternally boyish look about him, particularly with his sandy blond hair falling toward his eyes. He pushed it back, as he always had, in a gesture that Kate had always found endearing. She had thought of it a thousand times at night, when she cried for him. And now he was standing in front of her, and it was a strange, sad, empty feeling. She would have liked to be able to say she didn't care, and was unaffected by him, but she had the same odd clutch in the pit of her stomach, like a rock that was turning slowly. She had always thought that was what love meant. But she had never felt the rock in her gut with Andy. With him, she always felt peaceful. And now, with Joe standing inches from her, she felt intolerably nervous. He was just a piece of her past, she told herself. But a very big piece. There was the same electricity between them as he looked into her eyes. She wondered if those feelings ever went away.

“Who's the lucky guy?” he asked casually. He seemed to have no inclination to leave her.

“Andy Scott, my old friend from Harvard.”

“Your mother always said you should marry him. She must be happy.” There was a faint edge to his voice. He knew her mother had hated him.

“She is,” Kate said, feeling dazed. It was as though he exuded some strange scent that mesmerized her. She could already feel it, and told herself she had to leave. But she felt paralyzed, and lulled by his voice, and went nowhere. “She loves the baby.”

“He's a cute guy. The business is doing great, by the way.” She smiled at the understatement. It was one of the most important corporations in the country, and Andy had told her several times that Joe had made millions. The last thing she'd read about him was that he was starting an airline called AllWorld.

“I read about you a lot, Joe. Are you still flying as much?”

“As much as I can. I don't have enough time. I still test my own designs, but that's a different kind of flying. We're developing commercial airlines now, capable of transoceanic passages. Charles and I flew to Paris together a few weeks ago. But most of the time I'm stuck in the boardroom or my office. I have a place in town now,” he said. They were like old friends catching up on old times, standing on the corner shooting the breeze, except they weren't. The breeze they were shooting was a strong one, and there were dangerous currents in the waters they were wading into. Kate tried to tell herself that wasn't true, but instinctively she knew it was. “We have an office building here now, one in Chicago, one in L.A. I go to the West Coast a lot, but I'm actually in New York more than anywhere else,” he volunteered. He had been leaving his office when he ran into her on Fifty-seventh.

“You're an important man, Joe.” She remembered when he hadn't had anything, and she'd loved him then. In some ways he was different now. He had the aura of a man in power, and yet when he looked at her, he was still the same, awkward, shy, hesitating to look at her one minute, and then gazing directly into her eyes the next, as though he were looking straight into her soul and knew what she was thinking. There was no way she could avoid the power of his eyes.

“Do you need a lift somewhere, Kate? It's too hot for you to be out with the baby.”

“We were just getting some air. I live a few blocks up. I don't mind walking.”

“Come on,” he said, taking her arm, without waiting for her reaction. There was a car waiting across the street for him, and as though swept downstream on a rushing river, he pushed the pram across the street with the baby, as she followed, and before she knew it, she was sitting in the back of his car, holding the baby, the driver had put the pram in the trunk, and Joe had climbed in beside her. “Where do you live?” She gave him the address, and he told the driver, as she sat back against the seat next to him with her baby “I only live a few blocks from you. In the penthouse because it gives me the feeling I'm flying. So what about you, what are you doing this summer?”

“I don't know… we… I…” She was beginning to feel overwhelmed by him, he was so strong and so powerful that he just swept one along, like a riptide. She felt as though she were about to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. He had always had that effect on her. She had never been able to resist him, or the electricity she felt when she was near him. There was an intensity to it, and to him, that left her breathless. And much to her dismay, even after three years, it seemed no different. It was just the way she reacted to him, and the way he handled people, particularly now that he was so successful. He was used to getting everything he wanted. “I don't know what our plans are,” she said vaguely, trying to keep her wits about her, and not feel the effect of him. Being with him was like a drug, and sitting with him in the car she felt the tug of her old addiction. She knew she had to resist. She was married now.

“I was going to Europe next week,” he chatted as they drove uptown, “but I just canceled. I've got too much work here with the airline. We're having the same old union problems we had in the beginning in New Jersey.” He drew her instantly into his circle of familiarity, talking about things she knew about and had been part of. It was a clever way of reminding her she had been his before she was Andy's. And as he sat next to her, Joe looked over at her with the smile that had cut right through her from the first moment they met. He didn't know what he was doing, it was instinctive, just like the pull he felt toward Kate as he sat beside her. They were like two animals sniffing the air and circling each other. “You and Andy should come flying with me sometime. Would he like that?” Probably. With anyone but Joe. He was a little sensitive on the subject, with good reason. He more than anyone knew how much Joe had meant to her. And she had been honest with him about how hard it had been to leave him. He also knew that if she hadn't, she would never have married him. He had never been able to compete with the glamour of Joe Allbright, or the magic Kate felt for him.

She didn't know what to say, so she told the truth. In a matter of minutes, he had already thrown her. And as soon as she said the words, she was sorry. It wasn't smart to give Joe too much information. He was liable to use it.

“He's away, in Germany. He's one of the counsel in the war crimes trials.”

“That's impressive. He must be a good lawyer,” he acknowledged, but his eyes never left Kate's, and were asking other questions, to which she had no answers, and if she did, she wouldn't give them to Joe.

“He is,” she said proudly. And with that, the car stopped at her building, and she got out as quickly as she could. The driver took the pram out of the trunk an instant later, and she put Reed in it, as Joe watched her. He was always watching. He saw everything, he always had, even what she didn't want him to see. And she knew him just as well. They were each like the inside of the other, two halves forming a whole, and held together by a magnetic force so powerful that they could barely resist it. And never had before. But she intended to this time. He was out of her life and he was going to stay that way. For her sake, as well as Andy's. She stuck out a hand formally to him and thanked him for the ride. She was suddenly a little more distant and chilly. It wasn't fair really, she was angry at him for what she felt, and had felt for him. It wasn't his fault that she was so irrevocably drawn to him. It just was. But she assured herself that now it meant nothing to her.

“You know where to find me,” he said somewhat arrogantly. Half the world did. “Call me sometime. We'll go flying.”

“Thanks, Joe,” she said, feeling like a young girl again. She was wearing a skirt and blouse and sandals, and he could see that even after the baby, her figure was still perfect. He remembered it distinctly. Three years hadn't dimmed the memories, or the feelings. “Thanks again for the ride,” she said, as he stood watching her roll the pram into the building. She didn't turn back to look at him, or wave. And she hoped that their paths wouldn't cross again. She felt breathless when she and Reed got back to the apartment. The whole experience of seeing him had made her feel uneasy. She wanted to say something to someone, to hang on to something solid, to explain that she hadn't felt anything for him, that she was over him, and glad she had married Andy, and had Reed. It was as though she had to excuse herself, or defend what had happened. She wanted to convince someone that he meant nothing to her. But she knew that if she had, she would have been lying. It was just the same as it had always been, for ten years.

16

KATE WOKE UP the morning after she ran into Joe, feeling heavy She had had bad dreams all night, and woke when the baby cried, with an uncomfortable feeling, as though she had betrayed Andy And then over a cup of coffee, after she put Reed down for a nap, she told herself that she had done nothing wrong. She hadn't been inappropriate, hadn't shown any interest in him, hadn't encouraged him in any way, hadn't said she'd call him. But without knowing why, she felt guilty about seeing him at all, as though she had been responsible for running into him, or had planned it, which of course, she hadn't. It was an unpleasant sensation and stayed with her all day. And that night, after she'd written Andy a letter and enclosed photographs of Reed, the phone rang. It was probably her mother, she decided, as she answered. But the voice at the other end nearly ripped her heart out. It was that same velvet roll of thunder that had always had the same effect on her, and she had longed for, for years.

“Hi, Kate.” He sounded tired and relaxed. It was late. And he was still in his office.

“Hi, Joe.” She didn't offer anything more than that. She waited. She had no idea why he would call her.

“I thought maybe you were bored with Andy away.” It was a clever choice of words. He said “bored,” not “lonely.” She was both in fact, but she had no intention of admitting it to him. “Would you like to have lunch, for old times' sake?” He sounded gentle and youthful, and almost humble. And safe, which was deceptive. Even if he meant it, he was not, and never would be for her.

“I don't think so.” It wasn't a good idea, and she knew it.

“I've always wanted you to see the building here in town. It's incredible. One of the most beautiful in the country. You were in on the beginning, I thought you'd want to see where it all went after… after you…”

“I'd like to, but I don't think we should.”

“Why not?” He sounded disappointed, and it touched her. Danger! Danger! It was like a sign flashing. But she chose to ignore it anyway.

“I don't know, Joe,” she said, sighing. She was tired. And he was so familiar. It was so comfortable talking to him, it made her want to turn back the clock. It suddenly made her think of the two years of agony when everyone thought he'd been killed, and seeing him on the ship for the first time when he came back from Germany. There were so many threads left from those days, dangling off her heart, but it wasn't enough to hang on to. “There's been a lot of water under the bridge since I left New Jersey.”

“That's my point. I want you to see what the dam looks like. It's a beauty.”

“You're hopeless,” she laughed at him. But she was feeling more comfortable with him.

“Am I? Why can't we be friends, Kate?” Because I still love you, she wanted to answer. Or did she? Maybe it was just the memory of love that looked like the real thing. Maybe all it had ever been was an illusion. What she had with Andy was real love. She was sure of it. Joe was something else, an illusion, a dream, a hope that refused to die, a childish fairy tale that she always wanted a happy ending for and couldn't have. Joe was a disaster waiting to happen, and she knew it. They both did. “Have lunch with me … please… I'll behave. I promise.”

“I'm sure we both would,” she said firmly, “but why put ourselves through it?”

“Because we enjoy each other's company, we always did. What are you worried about anyway? You're married, you have a baby, a life. All I have are airplanes.” He tried to sound pathetic and she laughed at him.

“Don't give me that, Joe Allbright! That's all you ever wanted. More than you wanted me, in fact. That's why I left you.”

“We could have had both,” he said sadly, and this time he sounded as though he meant it. She hated him for saying it now. It was much, much too late.

“I tried telling you that, you wouldn't listen,” she said sadly.

“I was incredibly stupid and scared of getting tied down. I'm smarter now, and braver. I'm older. And I know what I lost when you left me. I was too proud to admit to you or myself then what you meant to me. My life has been meaningless without you, Kate.” Joe sounded just as he had when she loved him most and it was everything she had always wanted to hear from him. It was a cruel trick of fate to hear it now. Too late.

“I'm married, Joe,” she said softly.

“I know. I'm not asking you to change that. I understand that you've made a life for yourself. I just want lunch. A sandwich, an hour. You can spare me that. I just want to show you what I've done.” He sounded so proud of it, and as though he had no one to share it with, which was his own fault. She had to believe there had been other women since she left, but knowing him maybe not, or maybe no one important. He was consumed by his planes and his business. And he had long since been recognized as the world's most important airplane designer. He was a genius. “Will you do it, Kate? Hell, you can't have much else to do with Andy gone. Get a sitter and come to lunch with me, or bring the baby.” But she wouldn't have done that. She had already used several baby-sitters when she and Andy went out for the evening, and she had some good ones to call. She wouldn't have taken Reed to an office building, in case he disturbed the people working there.

“All right, all right,” she said with a sigh. It was like arguing with a kid. He was so damnably persuasive. “I'll do it.”

“You're wonderful, Kate. Thank you.” What difference did it make? she asked herself. Why on earth did he care if she saw his office? She had to keep reminding herself that she was married to Andy. “How about tomorrow?” he suggested.

She thought about it for a long moment, and then nodded. “Okay.” She wanted to get it behind her and prove that she could do it, without falling for him again, or wanting him, or being drawn to him. It had to be possible. It was like a reformed alcoholic proving to himself that he could walk past a bar without drinking. And she knew she could do it, no matter how appealing he was.

“Do you want me to pick you up?” he offered, and she declined. She said she'd meet him at the restaurant. He suggested Giovanni's, and she said she'd meet him at twelve-thirty

She arrived at the restaurant the next day, precisely on time, in a white linen suit, with her hair pulled back and a big straw hat she had bought at Bonwit Teller. She looked very chic, and Joe was waiting for her. He kissed her on the cheek, and several people looked at them. He was a very distinctive figure, and easily recognized after all the press he got, and she was a beautiful woman in a great hat. But no one knew who she was.

“You always made me look good,” he said as they sat down in a corner booth that gave them a little privacy.

“You do fine on your own,” she smiled at him. It was fun to go out to lunch, and she was surprised to realize that she hadn't done it since before the baby was born. With Andy gone, she had nothing to do except take care of Reed, and it was nice to be out in the world again like a grown-up. She loved Reed, but she had no one to talk to. Her childhood friends were all in Boston, and she had lost track of most of them during her years with Joe. Her passion for him and the time she'd spent helping him set up his business had isolated her from everyone she'd ever known. And in the time since, she'd gotten wrapped up in Andy's life and their baby. She hadn't had the time or desire to make new friends.

She and Joe talked about a thousand things at lunch, about his company, his designs, his problems, his latest airplane. And then they spent an hour talking about his airline. He was involved in a multitude of exciting projects. It was a far cry from her own life. She was leading a quiet, happy little life with her husband and her baby.

“Are you going to get a job now, Kate?” he asked her. He had been a perfect gentleman all through lunch, and she was surprised to find how comfortable she was with him.

“I don't think so. I want to be home with the baby.” But she had thought of it. Andy really didn't want her to, and for the moment she had agreed not to. She had enjoyed her job at the Metropolitan, but she had no burning desire for a career.

“He's a cute kid, but it must be pretty boring,” Joe said honestly, and she laughed.

“It is, sometimes. But it's fun too.”

“I'm glad you're happy, Kate,” he said as he searched her face, and she nodded. She didn't want to talk about that with him. It opened too many doors to the past, and she didn't think they should talk about Andy, it seemed disrespectful to her. She knew he wouldn't have liked her having lunch with Joe, but she had felt it was something she had to do to prove something to herself. And it had been harmless. All they had done really was talk about aviation. It was still his favorite subject, and she knew a fair amount about it, or used to. He had always valued her advice, and he had loved it when she worked in the business with him in the beginning. It was why she understood so much of what he was doing. But the business had grown exponentially since then. And she knew nothing about his airline, except what she read in the papers.

They got in his car when they left the restaurant, and she was enormously impressed when she saw his office building. It was an entire skyscraper filled with the people he employed, both for his design company and his airline.

“My God, Joe, who would have thought it would have grown into all this?” In five years, he had built an empire.

“It's kind of amazing when you think I started out as a kid hanging around an airstrip. That's what this country's about, Kate. I'm very grateful.” He sounded humble, which touched her a lot.

“You should be grateful.” She whistled when she saw his office, on the top floor, overlooking all of New York. It really was like flying. It was wood-paneled, and there were handsome English antiques around the room, and paintings that she recognized. He had some very important art, and extraordinary taste. He was a remarkable man, and well on his way to becoming one of the richest men in the world. But, she reminded herself, she could have shared all of this with him on his terms—no marriage, no children. But no matter what he had accomplished, or acquired, it still wasn't a life she would have wanted, no matter how much she loved him. Even more so perhaps because she did. She preferred what she had with Andy, and their baby. For Kate, it had never been about money. It had been about love and commitment and kids, which was what she had now. But not with Joe. She had made her peace with the idea that she couldn't have everything she wanted a long time since.

She walked into the conference room with him, and he introduced her to several people, including his secretary, who had been with him right from the beginning and was thrilled to see Kate again. Her name was Hazel and she was a very sweet woman.

“I'm so happy to see you! Joe says you just had a baby. You sure don't look it!” Kate thanked her, and they went back to sit in Joe's office for a few minutes. But she had to get back to Reed soon. She had told the sitter she would be back at three-thirty and it was nearly that now. And she needed to nurse him soon.

“Thank you for having lunch with me,” he said as she began to make noises about leaving.

“I think I wanted to prove to myself, as much as to you, that we can be friends.” It had been a formidable challenge. But she had met it well.

“And, did I pass the test? Can we?” He looked innocent and hopeful, and she smiled.

“You didn't need to pass the test, Joe,” she said honestly, “I did.”

“I think we passed with flying colors.” He seemed pleased.

“I hope so,” she said, looking prettier than ever beneath the big straw hat. Her eyes looked to him like they were dancing. Everything about her had always fascinated him. She was so full of life, and so young and so pretty. She had been everything he wanted in a woman. But she wanted more from him than he could give her, or any woman. She had wanted too much.

She stood up then and kissed his cheek, and he closed his eyes as he smelled her perfume. For an instant, it was painfully familiar, just as the feel of his skin was to her and the way he held her. There were a lot of things, maybe too many things, that they both remembered. The memories were under their skin and in their hearts and their bones.

“Let's have lunch again,” he said as he took her downstairs to put her in the car. He was sending her back uptown with his driver.

“I'd like that,” she said softly.

He closed the door of the limousine for her, and she waved as they drove away. He stood watching his car for a long moment, and then went back upstairs and sat down at his desk, and frantically began drawing airplanes.

It was a week later, on a hot night, when she sat in the air conditioning, watching television. The baby was asleep when the phone rang. It was Joe, and she was surprised to hear him. She had been relieved by how well their lunch went, and she was proud of herself about it. It had been bittersweet, and kind of fun, but not agonizing. And afterward, she had been happy to get home to her baby and a letter from Andy. Joe was entirely a thing of the past now.

“What are you up to?” he asked, sounding relaxed. He was at home, doing nothing, and he'd been thinking about her.

“I'm watching TV,” she said, still surprised to hear him.

“Do you want to go out for a hamburger? I'm bored,” he confessed and she laughed.

“I'd love to, but I don't have a sitter.”

“Bring the baby.”

She laughed at the suggestion. “I can't, Joe. He's sleeping. And if I wake him up, he'll cry for hours. Believe me, you wouldn't enjoy it.”

“You're right. I wouldn't. Have you eaten?”

“More or less. I ate some ice cream this afternoon. I'm not really hungry. It's too hot.”

“What if I bring a hamburger over to you?” he suggested as an option.

“Here?”

“Well, yes. Where else would I take it?”

It was an odd suggestion. It seemed strange to have him come to the apartment she shared with her husband, but on the other hand, they were both alone with nothing to do, and they were friends now. She could do this. She had proven it the week before.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” she asked him.

“Why not? We both have to eat.” It sounded reasonable, and finally she agreed. He knew the address, and he said he'd be there in thirty minutes.

He was there in fifteen, with two big oozing cheeseburgers in a white paper bag, just the way they both liked them. She hadn't had one like that in years, and as they dripped and dropped ketchup all over the place, and licked their fingers, they laughed at each other as they sat at the kitchen table.

“You're a mess,” he said, as he watched her. And she giggled, and sounded seventeen again.

“I know. I love it.” She handed him a stack of paper napkins, and eventually they both cleaned up the mess. And she offered him ice cream from her freezer. It was just like the old days, when he was staying at her parents' house in Boston, and afterward in New Jersey. She had missed that, although she had fun with Andy. Joe was like a giant bird who swooped down, and then settled in for a while, and after that took flight again and disappeared. But she had enjoyed seeing him again. She had forgotten what good company he was, and how much they liked each other. He loved her stories, and she made him laugh at silly things. She was good for him. She always had been. He had been good for her too, once upon a time, but she had worked hard to forget that. It had taken years.

After they ate, they watched TV. She was wearing sandals, and he kicked off his shoes, and she teased him when she saw there were holes in his socks.

“You're too successful to wear socks like that,” she scolded him.

“I don't have anyone to buy me new ones,” he said, trying to make her feel sorry for him, but she didn't.

“You like it that way, remember? Have Hazel do it.” But his secretary had other things to do, so he never got them. He just wore the socks with holes.

“I don't like it that way. I just don't want to get married so I can have decent socks. That's a high price to pay for socks without holes in them,” he said, as they sat on the couch and the TV chattered in the background.

“Is it, why?”

“I don't know. You know me. I'm afraid to be tied down. I'm afraid I'm going to miss something, or someone will take too much from me. Not money. But me. A part of me I don't want to give them.” He had always been afraid of that. It was the real reason he hadn't married her. But he wasn't afraid of her now. For some reason even he couldn't fathom, he finally trusted her. It had taken a long, long time.

“No one can take what you won't give them,” Kate said calmly.

“They can try. I guess I'm scared I'll lose me in the process.” He nearly had with her. She had taken a big piece of him with her, but he suspected she didn't know that. And he wished now that he could reclaim it, and her.

“You're too big to lose, Joe,” she said honestly. “I don't think you have any idea how big you are. You're enormous.” He was the biggest man she had ever known. He had an enormous spirit and a brilliant mind.

“I always think I'm invisible, or want to be,” Joe confessed, sounding like a boy.

“I don't think anyone sees themselves as they really are. In your case, you have a lot to be proud of,” she said generously. It was odd sitting there with him. If anyone had told her a month before that would happen, she wouldn't have believed them, but she was enjoying his company, and they were friends again. There was great comfort in it. For both of them.

“There's a lot I'm not proud of, Kate,” he confessed, looking boyish again, and it touched her heart. There was a side of him she had always loved, and knew she always would, and another side of him she had very nearly hated, the side that had hurt her so badly when she left. “I'm not proud of the way I treated you,” he continued, and she was surprised to hear it. “I was rotten to you before you left. I was working you too hard, using you, I wasn't thinking about you, just about myself. But you scared the hell out of me. You loved me so damn much, and it made me feel so inadequate and so guilty. So trapped, I guess. I just wanted to run away and hide. You were right to leave, Kate. It damn near killed me when you did, but I don't blame you. That's why I never called, as much as I wanted to. You were right to go. There was nothing in it for you. I couldn't give you what you needed. I didn't understand how lucky I was. It took me a long time to calm down and figure that out.” And by then she'd been long gone.

“It's nice of you to say that,” she said generously, “but it never would have worked anyway. I realize that now.”

“Why not?” He frowned, nothing woke Joe up more than a challenge.

“Because this is what I wanted,” she said with a wave around the apartment and in the direction of the baby. “A husband, a baby, a regular life. You need a lot more than that in your life, you need power and success and excitement and airplanes, and you're willing to sacrifice everything for it, even people. I'm not. This is what I wanted.”

“We could have had this, and more, if you'd waited.”

“Not from what you said then.”

“It was the wrong time for me, Kate. I was starting a business. That was all I could think of.” It was true, but she knew that his aversion to marriage and kids and responsibility ran deeper than he was admitting. She had seen it. She knew him better than he knew himself. He had been too terrified to let her in.

“And now?” she asked skeptically. “Are you dying for a wife and a bunch of kids?” She smiled at him. “I don't think so. I think you were right, you'd hate it.” She was convinced of it now.

“It depends on who the wife is. But no, I'm not looking. I found the right woman a long time ago, and I was foolish enough to lose her.” It was a nice thing to say, but it made Kate uncomfortable. There was no point talking about that now, and she didn't want to. But he didn't want to let it drop yet. “I mean that, Kate. I was an incredible fool, and I want you to know that.”

“Oh, I knew it,” she laughed at him, “I just didn't think you did.” And then she grew more serious. “I appreciate knowing how you feel about it, Joe. Things happen the way they're meant to.”

“That's bullshit,” he said bluntly. “They happen a certain way because we screw things up, or we're scared, or we're stupid, or just plain blind sometimes. It takes a lot of brains and courage to do things right, Kate, and not everyone has that. Sometimes it takes time to figure it out, and then it's too late. But you have to fix it if you can. You can't just sit back and leave things screwed up, and say that was how they were meant to be. Only fools do that.” And they both knew he was no fool.

“You can't change some things,” she said quietly. She understood what he was saying, but she wasn't sure she liked it. There was no point rehashing the past.

“You didn't give me enough time,” he said, looking deep into her eyes that were the same color as his own. They were like mirrors of each other. They were so alike in some ways, and so diametrically different in others. And it was all so perfect when it worked.

“I waited two years, after I left you, to get married,” she said sternly. “You had all the opportunity in the world to change your mind and come get me. And you didn't.”

“I was mad. I was scared. I was busy. I hadn't figured it out yet. But I have now,” he said pointedly, and she felt her heart do a somersault when she saw the look in his eyes. He wanted what they had had before, but now it belonged to someone else. That was hard for Joe. He always wanted what he couldn't have. “Look, Kate, I get it. I have a great life, I've built a solid business, but none of it means as much to me without you.”

“Joe, don't let's talk about this. There's no point.”

“Yes, there is, Kate,” he said, looking at her. “I love you.” And before she could say another word, he kissed her, and then put his arms around her as they sat on the couch. She felt as though she were drifting into another world with him, floating through space, as her heart soared, and a moment later she fell to earth as she pulled away.

“Joe, you have to go.”

“I won't until you talk to me about it. Do you still love me?” He had to know.

“I love my husband,” she said, looking away from him so he couldn't see her eyes.

“That's not what I asked you,” he persisted, and finally she looked into his eyes. “I asked you if you still love me.”

“I have always loved you,” she said honestly. “But it's not right. And it's impossible now. I'm married to someone else.” She looked agonized as she talked to him. She hadn't wanted this to happen. She had convinced herself they could be friends.

“How can you love me and be married to Andy?” Joe said, looking profoundly upset.

“Because I didn't think you loved me, you didn't want to get married…” She had gone over it a hundred times. A thousand. A million. And it was too late. “So you married the first guy who came along?” “That's a rotten thing to say. I waited two years.” “Well, it took me longer to figure it out.” He sounded like a child, but no matter what the words were, it didn't matter. What mattered was what she had felt when he kissed her, what she saw in his eyes when he looked at her, and felt in her heart. She was still in love with him and knew she always would be. Kate felt like she had been condemned to a life sentence, there was nothing she could do about it now.

“I can't do this to Andy,” she said simply. “He's my husband. We have a child.” She stood up with an unhappy expression. “It doesn't matter anymore what happened, what we did or said or why. We did it, we said it. I left, and you wanted me to go. If you didn't, you'd have stopped me, you'd have asked me to come back. That was all I wanted for two long years, for you to want me back. You were too busy playing with your airplanes to give a damn. And too scared to risk being swallowed up. And the truth is, I still love you. I always will. But it's too late for us, Joe. I'm married to someone else. I have to respect that, even if you don't.” She looked at him miserably then, and stood up. “You have to go. I can't do this to myself, or to him. He doesn't deserve this, and neither do I.”

“You're punishing me because I wouldn't marry you,” he said, as he stood up to his full height, and looked down at her with regret.

“I'm punishing myself because I married a man who deserves a real wife, not someone who has always been in love with someone else. That's not right, Joe. We have to forget each other. I don't know how the hell to do it, and by God, I've tried. But I swear, if it kills me, I'll do it. I can't be married to him and in love with you for the rest of my life.”

“Then leave him.”

“I love him, and I won't do that. We just had a baby.”

“I want you back, Kate.” He said it like a man who was used to having his way, and wouldn't settle for anything less.

“Why? Because I'm married to someone else? Why now? I'm not a toy, or an airplane, or a company you own or want to buy. I waited two goddamn years while everyone said you were dead in Germany somewhere. I was always there, waiting for you. I was just a kid, and I couldn't even look at anyone else. And I pined for you for a year three years ago after you told me you'd never get married. Why now?” She was crying, as he shook his head.

“I don't know. I just know that you're part of me. I don't want to live the rest of my life without you, Kate. We've come too far. We've known each other for ten years, we've been in love for nine.”

“So what?” she said unkindly. “You should have thought of that before. It's too late.”

“That's ridiculous. You don't love him. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?”

“Yes!” she said firmly, as the baby began to cry. “You have to go, Joe,” she said, still crying. “I have to feed the baby.”

“Aren't you supposed to be calm when you feed a baby?”

“Yes, but it's a little late for that.” He took a step closer to her then, and wiped her eyes. “Don't, please…” she cried harder, and he pulled her into his arms as she sobbed. All she wanted was to be with him, and she couldn't. It was a cruel twist of fate that he wanted her back. She couldn't abandon Andy and take their child, no matter how much she loved Joe. And she loved Andy too, but in a different way.

“I'm sorry… I shouldn't have come here tonight.” He felt guilty for the state she was in.

“It's not your fault,” she admitted, drying her eyes, “I wanted to see you too. It was so wonderful seeing you the other day, and being with you…. Oh Joe… what are we going to do?” she said as she clung to him. They were lost, and so obviously still in love.

“I don't know, we'll figure it out.” He held her and then kissed her. All she wanted was to be with him. She left him then to get the baby, and brought him out to lie between them on the couch. He was a beautiful baby, and Joe looked at him silently and then at her. “It'll be all right, Kate. Maybe we can see each other once in a while.”

“And then what? We'll always wish we were together. That's not a life.”

“It's all we've got, for now. Maybe it's enough.” But she knew it wouldn't be for long. They would always want more than just stolen moments and knowing that they loved each other and couldn't be together. It sounded like a lifetime of torture to her. He looked at her then, she looked so tormented, and so unhappy, and he knew she had to feed the baby. “Do you want me to go, or wait till you've fed him?” She knew he should go, but she didn't want him to. She didn't know when or if she'd see him again.

“If you want, you can wait.” She went in the other room, while he watched TV, and when she came back, Joe had fallen asleep on the couch. He had had a long day, and it had been an emotional evening for both of them. She looked more peaceful after feeding the baby, and Reed was sound asleep in his bassinet.

Kate sat watching Joe for a while, she touched his hair, and gently stroked his face. It was all so familiar. He had belonged to her for so many years, and she to him. They had so much history together, it was a powerful bond. She just sat there holding him for a long time, until after a while he opened his eyes.

“I love you, Kate,” he whispered, and she smiled.

“No, you don't. I won't let you,” she said in a whisper back to him, and he kissed her. They lay on the couch kissing for a long time. It was an impossible situation, with an impossible man. “You've got to go,” she whispered. He nodded, but made no move to leave the couch, and kissed her again and again, and after a while, she no longer cared if he left or not. She didn't want him to go. She didn't want to have left him, she didn't want to hurt Andy, or their son… she didn't want any of it to happen, but the force of what tied them to each other was stronger than they were. He picked her up in his arms and laid her on her bed. She knew she should tell him to go, but she couldn't. Instead, she let him peel away her clothes as he had so many times, and then he took off his own. They made love with all the longing that had haunted them for three years, and afterward, they fell into a deep, peaceful sleep in each other's arms.

17

WHEN KATE WOKE UP the next morning, she smiled feeling Andy beside her, and turned to face him, and when she did, she saw Joe. It hadn't been a dream or a nightmare. It had been the culmination of all the years she had loved him, and the three years they'd been apart. But she had no idea what to do now. They had to forget each other, she told herself, as she watched him slowly stir. The baby was still sound asleep.

Joe woke a few minutes later, and when he saw her, he smiled.

“Am I dreaming? Or did I die and go to Heaven last night?” It all seemed so simple to him. He wasn't married to anyone, and wasn't in danger of destroying anyone's life, except hers and his own. That was enough.

“You look disgustingly happy,” she accused him, but as she did, she snuggled close to him. The time they spent in bed, in the morning, cuddled close to each other, and talking, had always been her favorite part of their day. “You must have no conscience at all.”

“None,” he confirmed. He smiled as he kissed the top of her head. He hadn't been this happy in years, for that moment at least, all was well with the world. “Is the baby okay? Is he supposed to still be sleeping?” It was new to him.

“He's fine. He sleeps late,” she said, touched that he was concerned.

He began kissing her then, and they took advantage of the fact that Reed was still asleep to make love again. It was all like a dream. It was almost as though he had never left, except that they had both grown up in the past three years, and she was married and had a child. But what she shared in bed with Joe, and everywhere else, she had never had with any other man. All the feelings they had for each other ran deeper than either of them was able to understand. It was like some kind of primal pull. They had to be together. They were so different, so separate, each so unique, and yet in some part of them, they were as one. It needed no explanations and few words. Most of the time, it needed none at all. The words were only the external excuse for what they felt. The apologies they made. The promises they could no longer keep. The words didn't matter at all. It was the rest that bound them to each other's souls.

The baby woke up finally with a healthy cry. Kate nursed him while Joe took a shower, and afterward she made breakfast for them. He wanted to linger over breakfast with her, and he laughed when the baby grinned at him from his little seat. And then he said regretfully that he had a meeting that morning, and had to go. He would have loved to spend the day with them.

“Can you have lunch?” he asked Kate as he stood up and put his jacket on.

“What are we doing, Joe?” she asked him with deep, worried eyes. They still had time to stop. It could be one time, one moment that she could atone for, for the rest of her life. It was early enough to stop before they destroyed everything, and everyone in their wake. She had far more to lose than he. It was up to her to stop, she knew, but she couldn't bear losing him again. Deep in her soul she knew it was already too late.

“I think we're doing the best we can, Kate. That's all we can do. We'll figure it out as we go.” He had a way of not wanting to see the pitfalls that lay ahead, except when building planes.

“That's dangerous,” she said as she smoothed the lapels of his coat. She loved the way he looked, his height, his chiseled face, the cleft chin, the very male square of his shoulders, the eyes that followed her everywhere, the long legs. She was drunk on him. He was her dream, and had always been, since she was seventeen. It was too great a force to fight. And it was no different for him. He had been mesmerized by her since the first time he saw her, drawn to her like moth to flame.

“Life is dangerous, Kate,” he said calmly, as he smiled at her and then kissed her. He couldn't get enough of her, or she him. “Maybe it's not worthwhile unless it is. Good things come at a high price. I've never been afraid to pay for what I want, or believe.” But they were paying this time with other lives than just their own. “Do you want to meet me for lunch?” She hesitated, and then nodded. She wanted to be with him for as long as she could. She realized now that she had no choice.

“I'll get a sitter. Where do you want to meet?”

He suggested Le Pavilion, which had always been one of her favorite places, and they agreed to meet at noon. After he left, she nursed the baby again, and sat quietly on the couch. There were pictures of her and Andy all around the room, and a portrait taken at their wedding the year before. Being with Joe again made Andy seem like a distant dream. She knew she loved him, she reminded herself, he was her husband. But he always seemed like a boy in comparison to the man Joe already was. There was something about Joe that intoxicated her every time she saw him. He was right, it was dangerous, but at that exact moment in time Kate knew it was too late to turn back, and the risks seemed worth the happiness they shared.

She put the baby back in his bassinet, and called the sitter. And at noon, she met Joe at Le Pavilion, and walked in wearing a pale green silk dress, with a watery emerald pin her mother had given her years before. She looked beautiful and delicate, and the dress looked incredible with her dark auburn hair. Joe sat staring at her, as she walked across the room, just as he had ten years before. There was a certain danger in their being so visible and public, but they had discussed it and decided that their having lunch openly would seem less suspicious, if someone saw them, than if they appeared to be hiding somewhere.

“Aren't you Joe Allbright?” she whispered as she sat down next to him. And he grinned. He loved the way she looked and played and smelled, loved the way she sauntered across a room, totally unaware of how spectacular she was. Together, they made an extraordinary pair. They were not an obvious match, but they looked incredible together, and always had. It was part of the magic they exuded and shared.

“Do you want to go flying this weekend?” he asked her over lunch. She had always loved his planes, and she hadn't flown herself in three years. He told her he had a cute little model that had just been delivered the day before. “You'll love it, Kate,” he grinned, looking more than ever like a handsome boy.

“Sure.” She had nothing else to do. She was free for the next three and a half months, and she realized now that whatever happened after that, this time belonged to them. There was no point fighting it. She had abandoned herself to the fates. The tether that bound them could not be cut. Or at least not yet.

They stayed at lunch for a long time, and were very circumspect, and then he went back to the office and she went home. She was going to take Reed to the park, and she found a letter from Andy when she got home. It was so funny and loving, and he missed her so much, that it cut through her like a knife. She sat there holding it for a long time, crying. She had never felt as guilty in her life, and she knew that what she was doing was wrong, but she couldn't stop. No matter how much she cared about Andy, she needed to be with Joe.

She was quiet that night when Joe came back. He had had a busy day at the office, and he was tired. She fixed him a scotch and water and handed it to him, and then poured herself a glass of wine. The baby was already asleep.

“I had a letter from Andy today. I feel awful, Joe. If he ever finds out, this will break his heart. He'd probably divorce me,” she said, looking depressed.

“Good. Then I'll marry you.” He'd been thinking about it all day, and had almost made up his mind. But he had wanted to ponder it some more before saying anything to her.

“You're just saying that because I'm married to someone else. If I were free,” she smiled at him, “you'd run like hell.”

“Try me.”

“I can't.”

“Let's not talk about it, and enjoy the time we have,” he said calmly. Which was exactly what they did.

For the next month, they had lunch several times a week, dinner together every night, at home and out, went flying on the weekends, went to movies, talked, made love, laughed, and cocooned themselves in their own little world. Joe even played with the baby when he came home every night, and got wildly excited when he discovered Reed's first tooth. It was as though they were a perfect family, and Andy didn't exist. The only reminder of him was Andy's mother, who came to see the baby once a week, on Tuesday afternoons, but Kate was careful that there was never any sign of Joe's presence anywhere in the house. And when they went out, Kate and Joe were discreet enough for anyone to believe they were just friends and not romantically involved. But they felt more like husband and wife. They were an inseparable pair.

She wrote to Andy almost every day, but the letters were stilted and felt strange. She only hoped he didn't notice. Mostly, she talked about Reed, and said very little about herself. It seemed best that way. And what he had told her about the trials was fascinating. But he also told her how much he missed her and loved her and couldn't wait to come home to Reed and her. Each letter was like a slice to her heart. She had no idea what they would do, and she and Joe had agreed not to try to figure it out until the fall.

In August, she had promised her parents that she would spend a week with them in Cape Cod, but she hated the thought of leaving Joe. They had so little time. They were already halfway through the four months Andy would be gone. But she knew that if she didn't go to the Cape with the baby, her parents would know something was amiss, and might even come to New York and discover Joe living with her. He had moved in at the end of July. So she decided it was best to go. Joe said he'd keep busy while she was gone, and they agreed that she would call him. Her mother would have recognized his voice on the phone if he called. It was strange being so deceitful, and not something she was proud of, to say the least, but they had no choice. If this was what they wanted, what they felt they had to have, they had to play by what rules they could.

She'd already been at the Cape for five days, the night of their neighbor's annual barbecue. She left the baby with a sitter and went next door with her parents. She was in good spirits, and knew that in two more days she would see Joe. She could hardly wait.

She was having drinks on the terrace just above the dunes, when she turned around and saw him walk in. And mercifully, she looked appropriately surprised. In fact, she looked stunned. Joe had surprised her and come up to visit his friends, and had come to the barbecue with them. Their hosts were pleased to see him, and remembered him from several years before. Joe Allbright was not a man one forgot, and they hadn't. He was making his way slowly across the terrace, shaking hands and greeting people, when Kate's mother spotted him.

“What's he doing here?” she asked Kate.

“I have no idea,” Kate said, turning away, so her mother couldn't see her face. But she thought Joe had been foolish to come. It was tempting fate. And Kate wasn't sure either of them could pull it off.

“Did you know he was coming?” The inquisition started, as her father walked across the terrace to shake Joe's hand. He was pleased to see him, in spite of the rift between him and Kate. That was all behind them now, she was married to another man. The past was the past, or so he thought.

“Why would I know he was coming, Mother? He has friends here. He's been here before.”

“It just seems strange. He hasn't been here for three years. Maybe he wanted to see you.”

“I doubt it.” Kate had her back to him, but she could almost feel him approaching, and sense her mother watching them. She could only hope that they didn't betray themselves, but she didn't trust either of them, particularly herself. Her mother knew her too well.

Joe finally reached where she was standing, politely said hello to her mother, who shook his hand reluctantly and gave him an icy stare.

“Hello, Joe,” she said in frigid tones, and he gave her a warm smile.

“Hello, Mrs. Jamison. It's nice to see you.” She didn't answer, and then he turned to Kate. Their eyes met, and Kate kept an iron rein on herself as she said hello to him. “It's good to see you, Kate. I hear you had a baby. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” she said coolly, and moved away to talk to someone else. She knew her mother would be relieved, and hopefully put off the scent. She whispered as much to Joe when she stood next to him later on the beach. They were roasting hot dogs and hers were already burned. All she was interested in was talking to him. “It was crazy for you to come up here. If they figure it out, they'll have a fit.”

“I missed you. I wanted to see you,” he said, sounding earnest and young.

“I'll be home in two days,” she whispered back, wanting to kiss him or put her arms around him, or feel his around her. But she didn't dare even look at him.

“Your hot dog is turning to ash,” he whispered again and she laughed, and their eyes met for an instant. And when she turned away, she saw her mother watching them.

“She hates me,” Joe commented, as he handed Kate a plate. It wasn't totally inconceivable that they would talk to each other, but it was obvious that her mother didn't approve. She looked like she wanted him dead, or at the very least as far away from Kate as he could get.

In the end, her parents left early because her mother had a headache, and she and Joe went for a walk on the beach, as they had years before. They had history between them, a lot of it. Ten years was a long time, and counted for a lot. For them, if no one else. As long as they had never married, her mother discounted whatever they had ever felt. As far as she was concerned, they were wasted years, and she had often said as much to Kate. Kate didn't see it that way. They had been the best years of her life.

It was nice to just get away, and walk on the sand in the moonlight. They lay side by side far down the beach, and kissed, and held hands on the way back. They let go long before they reached the house, and once back, they were very circumspect. Kate left the party before he did, and her parents were already in bed, and Reed was sound asleep and didn't even want to be nursed. And Kate lay in bed, thinking about Joe. They had such a good time together, and such a good life. Everything they had each wanted had happened, her baby, his success, but there seemed to be no way to put it together, and if they tried to, someone would get hurt. It was like a Chinese puzzle, or a maze, but in this case, she knew, there was no way out.

She got up early with the baby, and her mother was in the kitchen, when Kate came downstairs trying not to make any noise, which was difficult with Reed. He was cooing and crowing and laughing and squealing, and she quietly closed the kitchen door and then saw that her mother was sitting quietly at the kitchen table, reading the local newspaper, and drinking a cup of tea.

She didn't raise her eyes as she spoke to Kate, but kept them on the paper, as Kate put the baby in his chair.

“You knew he was coming last night, didn't you?” her mother said in an accusing tone, and then finally looked up at her.

“No, I didn't,” Kate said truthfully. “I honestly had no idea.”

“There's something between you, Kate. I can feel it. I've never seen two people more drawn to each other. You can sense it even when you're standing across the room.” It was why Kate never seemed to be able to let him go, nor he her. “It's almost like some kind of animal fascination with each other. You can't leave each other alone.”

“I hardly talked to him last night,” Kate said as she handed a tiny piece of banana to the baby, and he put it in his mouth.

“You don't need to talk to him, Kate. He feels you, just like you feel him. He's a dangerous man. Don't let him near you. He'll destroy your life.” But it was already far too late. “It was rude of him to come here. He did it because he knew you'd be here. I'm surprised he had the gall… although nothing surprises me anymore,” she said angrily. She still thought Joe was a threat, particularly with Andy gone. And she was right.

“Nor me,” her father said cheerfully as he walked into the kitchen and kissed the baby, and glanced at his wife. He could see that she and Kate had had words, although he had no idea about what, and didn't care to guess. He preferred to stay out of their fights. “It was nice to see Joe last night. I've been reading about his airline, it's going to be a colossal success, and already is. He says they're going to open offices in Europe. Who'd have thought all of this would happen five years ago?” he said, looking impressed, as his wife put her cup of tea in the sink.

“I think it was rude of him to come,” her mother reiterated for her husband's sake, and he looked surprised.

“Why?”

“He knew he'd see Kate. She's a married woman, Clarke. He shouldn't be chasing her all the way to Cape Cod, or anywhere else.” Nor living with her, which he was, Kate thought. Her mother would have had her committed if she knew that. And maybe she should. “He knows that. He just did it to press himself on her.”

“Don't be silly, Liz. That's water under the bridge. That was years ago. Kate's married, and he probably has someone else. Is he married, Kate?”

“I don't think so, Dad. I don't really know.”

“I saw him talking to you on the beach,” her mother accused.

“There's no harm in that,” Clarke intervened. “He's a good man.”

“If he were, he'd have married your daughter, instead of making her wait for him for two years during the war and using her for two years after he got home,” his wife snapped. “Thank God Kate came to her senses and married someone else. It's a shame Andy wasn't here last night.”

“Yes, it is,” Kate said softly, but her mother saw something in her eyes she didn't like. There was something guarded and hidden, as though she had a deep secret, and everything in her told her it was Joe.

“You're a fool if you have anything to do with him, Kate. He'll just use you again, and you'll break Andy's heart. Joe's never going to marry anyone. Mark my words.” She had always said that, and so far she'd been right. But Kate also knew he wanted to marry her now, or so he said, although it was easier to say it now when she was married to someone else. After a while, she took the baby and went outside to sit in the sun on the porch. And as she looked up, she saw a plane doing loops overhead. It was easy to guess who it was. He was such a kid, but it made her smile.

Her father came out to see it, and grinned up at the sky. “Pretty little plane,” he commented, still looking up.

“It's his newest design,” Kate said before she could stop herself, and her father lowered his gaze to look at her.

“How would you know, Kate?” There was none of the accusation of her mother, only concern.

“He told me last night.”

He sat down next to her after that, and patted her hand.

“I'm sorry it didn't work out, Kate. Some things just don't.” He knew how much she had loved him, and how much pain it had caused her when they broke up. “Your mother's right though. It would be very wrong if you started things up with him again now.” He was suddenly worried about her. She looked so sad.

“I won't, Dad.” She hated lying to him, but she had no choice. And she knew what she and Joe were doing was wrong. But it seemed impossible to her to let him go. There wasn't a man in the world who made her feel as he did, in bed or out. It was as though he completed her, just as she did him. They each had the missing pieces the other needed to be whole. She had no idea what they would do when Andy got home, but at least it was another two months away. She and Joe had time to figure out what they were going to do then.

He was still flying around overhead, doing loops and rolls, and he did a terrifying stall, which made her put her hand over her mouth. She was sure he was going to crash. And her father watched her eyes. It was worse than he thought, and he was beginning to wonder if Liz was right, and something was going on after all. But he didn't want to ask Kate. She was an adult, and he didn't feel it was his place to pry.

She went back to New York the next day, and Joe called her the minute she got home. She scolded him for the stall that had terrified her, and he laughed. He knew he had been in no danger at all. He never was.

“It's more dangerous crossing the street in New York, Kate. You know that.” He was amused that she'd been concerned. “Did your parents give you a rough time?” He figured they would after seeing him at the barbecue, and he was right.

“Only my mom. She thinks something's going on.”

“Very observant,” he said admiringly. “Did you say anything to them?”

“Of course not. They'd be horrified. And I guess, when I think about it, so am I.” She had thought about it all the way home, and he didn't like the sound of her voice. She was consumed with guilt, Andy was so innocent in all this. He had no idea what was happening at home. Somehow, Joe felt he had seniority, and a right, because he had known her for so long. But it was Andy who had married her a year before, and given her a child. And it was Joe who owned her heart, and always had.

“Is it still all right if I come back tonight, Kate?” he asked her so humbly that it touched her heart. No matter how guilty she felt, there was no way she could bring herself to say no.

He came over half an hour later, and as always, they fell into bed. Their longing for each other was like a tidal wave, it swept everything in its wake, and left them gasping for air. Not being together for a week had seemed far too long.

September flew by as soon as Labor Day was past. Joe had to go to California for a few days, and then he flew to Nevada for a test flight. He invited Kate to come along, but she didn't think she should. There was no way to explain it if Andy called. He had only called once or twice in the two months he'd been gone, it was almost impossible for him to call, but he wrote to her faithfully every day.

By the end of September, Kate and Joe had been living together for two months. It had begun to seem comfortable and normal, as though they were married. He was so relaxed that one night, when her mother called, he almost answered the phone. Kate grabbed it from his hand before he could say anything, and they both looked startled when they realized what he'd almost done.

She flew with him every weekend, went to the factory with him, he asked her opinions and she gave him advice. And the people in his office had begun to treat her as his wife. But remarkably, they hadn't run into anyone she knew in restaurants or movie theaters, or even walking down the street. Part of their good fortune had been that many of the people she knew went away for the summer. But even after Labor Day there had been no chance encounters with people who might suspect she and Joe were having an affair. They had found an easy rhythm that worked for them. And then, in mid-October, Kate looked devastated when Andy called to tell her he was coming home. He told Kate how grateful he was, how well she had done, how uncomplaining she had been. Her letters had been wonderful, and he was dying to see her and Reed again. The photographs she'd sent were adorable, and Andy said the baby looked even more like Kate than before, except for the color of his hair. He told Kate that the trials he had participated in, in Germany, had gone extremely well. But he was anxious to wrap up his work in the next two weeks and come home.

Kate and Joe sat in the kitchen for hours, discussing it, the night he called.

“What are we going to do?” she asked miserably. Now that she had to face reality, she had never been so tormented in her life. Someone was going to get hurt, possibly all of them, even her son. There was no way out. There were choices to be made, and she and Joe had to come to some kind of agreement or decision in a matter of days.

“I want to marry you, Kate,” he said quietly. “I want you to get divorced. You can go to Reno and stay for six weeks. We could be married by the end of the year.” It was all she had ever wanted from him. But in order to do that now, she had to destroy Andy's life. It seemed a blow too cruel for anyone to take, and so unfair to him. He had done nothing to deserve this fate, and it wasn't his fault that she had fallen prey to Joe's charms again.

“I don't even know what to say to him,” she said, looking at Joe, and feeling sick over it. His parents were going to be distraught, and hers. But for Andy it would be the worst of all. And he had no suspicion whatsoever what was about to befall him.

“Tell him the truth,” Joe said practically. It was easy for him to be the winner in the piece. All he had to do was stand back and let Kate deliver the fatal blow. “What other choice do we have, Kate? Walk away from each other again? Is that what you want to do?” It was the only other choice they had, or else to continue a clandestine affair, and Kate knew the pressure and deceit of that would drive her insane, and Joe agreed. He wanted to live with her, be married to her, he even wanted to be with Reed, and if they were married, he would. “I feel sorry for him,” Joe said decently, “but he has a right to know.”

“Are you serious about getting married, Joe?” She still remembered her mother's words, and Kate knew him well. Joe loved his freedom and his planes. But he also loved her. And he was nearly forty years old. She believed he was finally ready to settle down and make a serious commitment to her this time, or so he said. She just wanted to be sure before she asked Andy for a divorce. Other than being devastated over losing her, she knew he would be heartbroken not to be living with his son.

“I'm serious,” Joe said emphatically. “It's time, Kate.” For her, it would have been time three or four years before. Or even five. He had taken his time getting there. And her parents would have been happier if they'd gotten married before or during the war. But whatever path they had taken to get there, he had arrived, and now he wanted her to do what she had to, to make it work for them. It was in her hands. He couldn't do more than assure her that he was serious, and wanted to marry her.

“I'll tell him when he gets home,” she said. She wasn't looking forward to it, but they both agreed, it had to be done.

She found a sitter, and they spent a weekend at a cozy inn in Connecticut in an out-of-the-way place. Joe had stayed there once before, and no one had bothered or intruded on him. It seemed the perfect hideaway for them. Often, people recognized him wherever they went, and with ordinary strangers, he introduced her as his wife. She didn't respond at first when the woman at the inn called her by Joe's name. She realized it was going to be strange to give up Andy's name. She had been calling herself Kate Scott for more than a year. It had been hard enough to adjust to giving up Jamison after twenty-six years. And now she would have another name. She felt as though she were on a merry-go-round. It was where she wanted to be, and had wanted to be for years, but now that it was happening, it all felt strange.

Joe moved his things out the night before Andy came home, but he spent the night with her anyway. The baby was teething and cried all night, Kate's nerves were raw, and by morning even Joe looked strained. All she wanted now was to get it over with. She was going to tell Andy that night, and she had already convinced herself that it was going to be a gruesome scene of heartbreak and regret.

She felt as though she and Joe had lived in isolation for four months. She had been avoiding whoever she knew in order to keep their secret, and she had seen none of her few friends. But so far, no one seemed to have figured out what was happening. And in the next few weeks, everyone would know. After she told Andy, she was going to tell her parents, and she knew that wasn't going to be a pretty scene. She had already played out all of it in her head, and with Joe. It was their destiny to be together, she knew. It had always been that way. She was just sorry that she was going to cause Andy so much pain. She never should have married him, she realized. It hadn't been fair to him. But she had never expected Joe to come back into her life again. And if he hadn't, maybe she and Andy could have made it work. They would never know. And at least, this way, she had Reed. Although Joe was certain he wanted Kate and Reed, he was still unsure about having their own kids. They had talked about it several times, and he wasn't convinced that having children would improve the quality of their life. But he was enough now for Kate.

Joe left for the office at nine the next day, and she was picking Andy up at the airport at noon. She had told Joe she'd call him when she could, but she didn't know if it would be possible that night. Out of respect for her husband, she had to see how it went. But she promised Joe she would call him no later than the next day.

They made love that morning before he left, and he kissed her one last time, and blew Reed a kiss.

“Try not to worry about it, sweetheart. I know you'll do the best you can. Better now, after a year, than five years from now. You're doing him a favor ending it this soon. He'll get married again and have a good life.” It irked her that Joe was so practical about it. It was easy being the winner. She was sure it was not going to seem quite so simple to Andy when he heard the news.

Kate took a cab to Idlewild at eleven o'clock. She had brought Reed with her, and she was wearing a plain black dress, and black hat. She realized that she looked a little funereal when she left the house, but it seemed appropriate. For them at least, this was not going to be a happy day

She checked the list of arriving flights when she arrived at the airport, and saw that his flight was on time. And then, holding the baby close to her, she went to wait for him at the gate.

Andy was one of the first passengers off the plane. He looked tired from the flight, and four months of hard work, but he smiled broadly the moment he saw his wife and son, and kissed her so hard he knocked off her hat.

“I've missed you so much, Kate!” He took the baby out of her arms and couldn't believe how much he'd grown. Reed was nearly eight months old by then. He had eight teeth and could almost stand up by himself. And as Andy held him, he reached for his mother and started to scream.

“He doesn't even know who I am anymore,” Andy looked crushed, and as they walked out of the airport, he put an arm around her. He felt as though he'd been gone for years. He not only felt as though the baby didn't know who he was, he could tell that Kate was ill at ease with him, and when he looked at her as they drove home in a cab, she looked strange. She said she was happy to see him, but she looked like someone had died. She asked him about Germany, and the trials, but when he tried to hold her hand in the cab, she pulled it away to look for something in her purse. She didn't want to mislead him more than she already had.

Kate made lunch for all of them when they got home, and put Reed down for a nap afterward. All she wanted was to get it over with. She couldn't wait. She didn't want to play out a farce with him. He deserved more respect from her than that.

“Kate, are you all right?” he asked after she put the baby to bed. She looked suddenly older and more serious in the somber black dress. He didn't know what had happened while he was gone, but he knew something had. The atmosphere around them seemed incredibly tense, and Kate kept avoiding his touch, his arms, his eyes.

“Can we sit down and talk?” she said, as they walked into the living room and she sat down on the couch. Andy sat down across from her, and all she could think of as she looked at him was Joe.

This was the worst thing she had ever done in her life, to anyone, she knew. When she had left Joe three years before, it had been an entirely different situation than walking out on a man who she knew loved her, and taking his child with her. But there was no escape now. They had to face the truth, both of them. She had been foolish to marry him and think that their love would grow, but she had meant well. She was very attached to him, and they had had lots of happy times. But all of it had meant nothing the moment she saw Joe.

“What's wrong, Kate?” Andy asked quietly. He looked upset, but he was very much in control. He looked as though he'd matured in the past four months. He had seen and heard of atrocities that had made his blood run cold. There was no way not to grow up with all the responsibility that had rested on him. And now he had come home to something even worse. He could see it in her eyes.

“Andy, I've made a terrible mistake,” she began, sitting well away from him. She didn't try to sit near him, or take his hand. And she wanted to get it over with as fast as she could, for both their sakes.

“I don't think we need to talk about this,” he suddenly cut into what she'd just said, and she looked surprised.

“Yes, we do,” she went on. “We have to talk about it. Something happened while you were gone.” She was planning to tell him that she had met Joe again, and that, as a result, everything had changed. But Andy was holding up a hand to stop her, as though he could turn back her words, and she saw something in his eyes she'd never seen there before. It was a kind of strength and dignity she had never known he was capable of, and he took the control of the situation away from her.

“Whatever happened, Kate, I don't need to know what it was. In fact, I don't want to know. You're not going to tell me. It's not important. We're what's important, and our son. Whatever you were going to say to me, don't. I won't listen to it. We are going to shut the door behind us now, and go on.” She was so stunned that for a moment, she couldn't say a word.

“But Andy, we can't…” She could feel tears filling her eyes. He had to listen to her. She was going to divorce him, and marry Joe. She didn't want to be married to Andy anymore. And Joe wanted to marry her. She wasn't going to lose him now, after all these years. But Andy had something to say about it, and she couldn't divorce him, unless he agreed. He had obviously figured it out, or enough to know that their marriage was on the line, and he was not going to lie down and let her roll over him. He had already made a decision about it, no matter how she felt. And as far as Andy was concerned, the subject was closed.

“Yes, Kate, we can,” he said in a tone that frightened her. “And we will. Whatever you wanted to say to me, you're going to keep to yourself. We're married. We have a son. We'll have more children soon, I hope. And we're going to have a good life. And that's all you're going to say to me. Is that clear? I probably shouldn't have stayed away as long as I did. But I think we did something important in Germany, and I'm glad that I was part of it. And now you're going to be my wife, Kate, and we'll go on from here.” Kate was stunned by the power of his words and the steel in his eyes. It was very unlike him.

“But Andy, please,” the tears were rolling down her cheeks. “I can't do this… I can't…” she sobbed. She was in love with Joe, and not with him. She had never felt so trapped in her life as she just had, listening to him. He was not going to let her out, she knew, no matter what she said. Her only choice then would be to run away with Joe, and live with him. She couldn't even take Reed with her if she wasn't divorced and didn't have custody. Andy might as well have put her in jail and locked her in. And they both knew he just had. She had not yet consulted a lawyer, she had wanted to tell Andy first, but she knew that she could not divorce him without grounds to do so. And she had none against him. Her hands were tied, unless he agreed. “You have to listen to me,” she pleaded with him. “You don't want me like this.” She was sobbing, and his eyes were hard.

“We're married, Kate. That's the end of it. You'll feel better about it in a while, and you'll thank me for this one day. You were about to make a terrible mistake, and I'm not going to let that happen to us. I can't. Now, I'm going to shower and take a nap. Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?” When she looked up at him, her eyes were bleak. She didn't want to go anywhere with him. She didn't want to be married to him. She was his prisoner now. Not his wife.

She never answered him about dinner, and he didn't wait to hear her response. He left the room and closed the bedroom door. He was shaking when he walked into the bathroom and locked the door, but Kate didn't know that. For the first time in the years she'd known him, she hated him. All she wanted was to be with Joe, but she couldn't leave her son. Andy knew he had her by the throat. She would never abandon Reed. And if Andy would not agree to divorce her, she was trapped.

When she heard him turn on the shower, she called Joe. He was in a meeting, but she asked Hazel to get him out, and a moment later, he was on the phone.

“What's up? Was it very bad?” He sounded worried. He'd been thinking about her all day, wondering how it had gone when she told Andy she was leaving him.

“Worse than that. He won't even listen to me. He won't give me a divorce. And if he doesn't, I can't take Reed.”

“He's just bluffing you, Kate. He's scared. Just hold firm.”

“You don't understand. I've never seen him like this. He says the matter is closed. It's done. He wouldn't even let me talk about it.” She hadn't even had the chance to tell him about Joe, which had seemed fair and she thought would convince him. But he wouldn't let her speak, and Kate felt as though he had surrounded himself with a wall of stone.

“Then take the baby and walk out,” Joe said, sounding stern. She felt trapped between the two men, like their pawn. “He can't force you to stay there.”

“He can force me to come back with Reed, if he takes me to court.” She sounded scared, and she was. The way Andy had looked at her, she knew she had good reason to be. Andy did not intend to lose her or his son.

“He won't. The two of you can stay with me.” It would be an even bigger scandal than it was, if she did. She knew she had to get Andy to agree with her, to let her out. It was the only way she could go.

“I'll talk to him tonight,” she said. He went back to his meeting, and she hung up as Andy got out of the shower. She called a sitter and agreed to go to dinner with him that night, but the atmosphere between them was extremely unpleasant when she did. He was icy with her and his tone was hard. He wanted her to know that he meant everything he'd said. She was hoping to convince him over dinner, but she got nowhere.

“Andy, please, listen to me…. I can't do this. You don't want to be married to me like this.” She was pleading with him. And in order to win him over, it suddenly seemed like the wrong time to tell him it was Joe.

“Kate, when I left, everything was fine. It was great. It's going to be great again. Trust me on this. You're hysterical, you don't know what you're doing, and I'm not going to let you destroy our life.” He was ice cold and firm, and she felt as though he had a grip on her throat. She could barely speak.

“Things have changed. You've been gone for four months.” She felt desperate as she tried to explain it to him. And she had an eerie sense that he knew what had happened and with whom. But he didn't seem to care. No matter what Kate did or said, Andy would not let her go. He didn't want to know who or why. He wanted to hear none of it, and they spoke not a word to each other as they went home in a cab. Kate felt almost as though she had lost her strength to move or walk or speak to him.

She got a sitter and went to Joe's office the next day. She was panic-stricken, and Joe was visibly upset. But she needed support and direction from him. It was as though Andy had grown into someone she didn't even know while he was in Germany. He was immovable and invincible. And she sat talking to Joe in tears.

“He can't just keep you there, Kate. You're not a child, for Heaven's sake. Pack your bags and get out.”

“And leave my son?”

“You can go back for him afterward. Take Andy to court, for chrissake.”

“And say what? That I cheated on him? I have no grounds for divorce. And he'll say that I abandoned my son. I'll never get Reed back again. They'll say I'm an unfit mother for having an affair with you and leaving my son. Joe, I can't leave.” Not unless Andy agreed.

“Are you telling me you're going to stay married to him?”

“What else can I do?” Her eyes looked like two dark blue pools of pain. “I have no choice. For right now anyway. Maybe he'll give in eventually, but right now he's refusing to be reasonable. He won't even let me talk about it.”

“Kate, this is insane.” She knew it was. But Andy had been very clever about it, and he was fighting like a tiger to keep her, whether she wanted to be there or not. She had to admire him for that. But however much she admired Andy, it was Joe she loved. He came around his desk and put his arms around her while she sobbed uncontrollably.

“I never should have left you three years ago,” she cried. Now she was trapped, and she realized that Andy would never let her out. She had lost her chance to be with Joe. And she wouldn't give up her son, even for him.

“I didn't give you much choice. I was a damn fool to let you walk out on me three years ago, and tell you you'd never be as important as my planes.” He still remembered the speech he'd made. Three years later, he knew how wrong he'd been, but for the moment at least, it appeared to be too late. “Do you want me to talk to him, Kate? That might put the fear of God into him. What about buying him off?” It was a crass idea, but Joe was willing to do whatever would work, but Kate shook her head.

“He doesn't need your money, Joe. He has his own. This isn't about money. It's about love.”

“Owning someone isn't love, Kate. That's all he's got. He owns you right now because of your son. It's the only hold on you he's got.” But it was a powerful one. He had checked it out with an attorney that day. If she left the boy, she ran the risk of losing him. And if she took him, Andy could force her to bring Reed back, unless she kidnapped him and disappeared. But that was impossible for either of them. She could hardly go into hiding as Joe's wife.

“I'm trapped, Joe. I can't get out,” she said miserably. She had felt so sorry for Andy for the past four months, and now he was squeezing the life out of them. He had their future in his hands and he was turning it to dust.

“Just wait awhile. You can't live like this forever. You're too young, and so is he. He'll give up eventually. He's got to want something more than this in his life.” He was fighting for his family, his wife, his son, and he wasn't willing to give any of it up, nor lose Kate.

Joe kissed her before she left, and she went home. And when Andy came home that night, she tried to talk to him again, to no avail. He lost his temper this time, and threw a porcelain candy dish at the wall. It had been a wedding gift from one of her friends and it smashed to smithereens, while Kate cried. She had expected Andy to be hurt but reasonable. She had never expected him to do any of this. There was no way out.

“Why are you doing this to me?” she sobbed, as he sat down across from her with a look of despair.

“I'm doing it to protect our family, since you won't,” he said, looking distraught. “Years from now, you'll be grateful I did.” But in the meantime, it was a nightmarish time.

And what Kate did not know, or even suspect, was that Andy had instantly surmised it was Joe. It was written all over her face. He remembered too well their college days when she had been deeply in love with him, and waiting for letters from him. It was the same look Andy had seen in her eyes when Kate told him Joe was not dead, and ended their relationship. He knew that look well. There was only one man in the world who could make Kate look and feel that way. And he knew he was seeing it again and precisely who had walked back into her life again. He didn't need to hear the words.

He was so certain of it that he didn't even bother to call Joe. He just showed up in his office the day after Kate had been there to tell Joe all her tales of despair. Andy strode right into Joe's office building, and asked his secretary to announce him. She looked more than a little stunned when she asked if Andy had an appointment, and he said no, but assured her that Joe would see him, and then he sat down to wait.

He was right. Less than two minutes later, the secretary led him into a staggeringly impressive office full of the art and treasures and memorabilia Joe had collected since the advent of his success. Joe did not rise to greet him, but sat watching him like an animal being stalked, from behind his desk. They had only met once years before. But they each knew who the other was, and why Andy was there.

“Hello, Joe,” Andy said calmly. His cool demeanor was a better hand of poker than he had ever played in his life. Joe was taller, older, smarter, more successful, and Kate had been in love with him for most of her adult life. He would have been an awesome opponent for any man. But Andy knew he had the winning hand, and for once Joe did not. Andy had their son. And Kate.

“This is an interesting move, Andy,” Joe said with a lazy smile. Neither of them showed what they felt. Both were angry, both felt ill used and put upon. Each would have liked to kill the other, and instead Joe waved Andy to a chair. “Can I offer you a drink?” Andy hesitated for a fraction of a second and then asked for scotch. He rarely if ever drank before dinnertime, but he knew that in this case it might help to steel his nerves. Joe poured it over the rocks himself and handed it to Andy before he sat down again. “Do I need to ask what brings you here?”

“I assume not. We both know. Not a very elegant move on your part, I might add,” Andy said bravely, and tried to pretend he didn't feel like a boy in Joe's office. In other circumstances, he would have liked to look around. The view was extraordinary and took in all of New York, with both rivers, and Central Park. “She's married now, Joe. We have a child. She's not going anywhere this time.”

“You won't win her this way, Andy. You can't force a woman to love you by holding her hostage. Why don't you just chain her to the wall? It's not as subtle but it works just as well.” Joe was not afraid of him, he didn't even hate him. He was an important man, and knew he had nothing to fear. He could have bought and sold Andy a thousand times, and to Joe that meant a lot. It was something he couldn't even have contemplated once upon a time. But those times had come and gone. Joe was on top of the world, and Kate was his, whether Andy held the key to her jail cell or not. He had never owned her heart as Joe did, or even at all, in Joe's eyes. She felt sorry for him, she pitied him, she had never loved him as she did Joe. She and Andy had never shared what they did, and never would. And as Joe looked at him, he pitied him. “Why are we here, Andy? Let's get to the point. What is it you want?” He still could not believe that Andy would refuse to let her go in the end, and felt certain that, with enough pressure from Joe and Kate, he would cave in. But he had no idea, nor had Kate till now, what a ruthless and determined fighter Andy could be. This time, he did not intend to lose, whatever it took.

“I want you to understand who she is, and what it is you're chasing after with such passion. I don't think you know what you're lusting after, Joe.” Joe was amused at the choice of words, and smiled from behind his desk, as Andy took a swig of the scotch.

“You think I don't know her after ten years? I don't want to shock you, but I'm sure Kate told you we lived together for two years.”

“As a matter of fact, she did, although it's somewhat indelicate of you to put it that way. I believe she was living at a hotel at the time.”

“If that's what she said,” Joe said noncommittally, but Kate had told Andy the truth. He just didn't like hearing it from Joe.

“And what were your conclusions after ‘living’ with her? I gather that you weren't anxious to marry her then. Why now?”

“Because I was a fool, as all three of us know. I was building my business, I had a lot on my mind. I didn't feel ready to take on a wife. That was three years ago. I didn't have time for her then. I do now.”

“Was that the only reason you didn't marry her? Or were there things about her that worried you, Joe? Was she too needy, too demanding, did you feel trapped? Did you want to run?” Kate had told him all of it when she and Andy met again, but Joe couldn't know that as he listened to him. He felt a vaguely familiar sense of what it had been like then, and they weren't pleasant memories for him. He had felt everything that Andy had described. It wasn't that Kate he wanted, it was the one she had become now. The one who appeared to understand what had gone wrong. “She's the same woman, Joe. She looks panicked every time I leave the house. She calls me everywhere I go. If I go out to lunch, she has my secretary track me down. When she was pregnant, she nearly drove me insane. I had to go home to see her in the middle of the day. Is that what you want? Is that the kind of time you have available, Joe? You must be a very successful man indeed to have that kind of time on your hands. You'll have to be with her night and day. How will you take her with you when you travel? She won't leave Reed. And she wants to get pregnant again. She wants more babies. And she'll get them with whatever ruse she has to use to see to it that that happens. I know Kate. She did it to me with Reed. I didn't mind. You will.” They were lies, all of them, but Kate had long since given him a map of all of Joe's terrors, and Andy was systematically playing each one of them. And he was winning. He could see it in Joe's eyes, although he felt some obligation to defend Kate. But he was scared. Andy could sense his terror heavy in the air.

“She's not in love with you,” Joe said firmly. “She'll be different when she's with me.” But he didn't sound quite as sure.

“Really?” Andy asked, as he finished his scotch. “How different was she in New Jersey?” He knew all about the fights that had brought them down, her panic over feeling abandoned, his terror of being engulfed. Kate had explained it all, in retrospect, to him. And Andy was using it all now. For a good cause, he thought.

“That was three years ago. She was a kid then,” but he no longer sounded quite as convinced. He wouldn't have admitted it to anyone, but he was beginning to wonder if Andy was right. He could feel a feather of terror tracing its way down his spine. Just listening to Andy describe her painted a picture of everything he didn't want, no matter how much in love with her he was.

“She's still a kid,” Andy said smugly, longing for another scotch, but he wouldn't have dared. The one had been just right to give him courage. But he didn't want to get sloppy now. He could see the worry in Joe's eyes. His demons had been reborn. “She'll always be a kid, Joe. You know what happened to her as a child. So do I.”

For once, Joe looked surprised. He was the better fighter of the pair, but this time Andy had him on the ropes. He was the small speedy devil who was going to bring down the champion, and he could already taste the prize. He didn't care what he had to do to keep her, but he wasn't going to lose her to Joe this time. No matter what. And he knew that if he played it right, Joe would never even tell her he'd been there. It was the perfect crime, and the only way to keep from losing her. He had to make Joe want to run.

“Did she tell you about her father?” Joe asked. There was a trace of hurt in his voice. Kate had never admitted it to him in ten years. All he knew he had heard from Clarke, that day in Cape Cod. But once again, Andy didn't hesitate to lie to him. She hadn't told Andy either, and he had learned it from Clarke too, shortly before they were married.

“She told me when we were in college. I've always known. We were good friends.” Joe nodded, and said nothing. “Do you know what that must have been like for her? How terrified she is of losing the people she loves? She couldn't survive without us. She couldn't live through a day on her own. She is the most dependent woman I've ever met, and you know it too. Do you realize that she wrote to me twice a day while I was in Europe?” Even that was a lie. She had written him hastily scribbled notes that only mentioned their son. Andy had suspected that something was wrong then, but there was nothing he could do about it from Europe. He had had to wait till he got home. “Do you have any idea how desperately insecure she is? How frightened? How unbalanced? I don't suppose she told you she tried to commit suicide after she left you in New Jersey.” As he said the words, Andy knew he had hit his mark. Kate had told him when they first met again how consumed by guilt Joe had been, how painful that had been for him. “Intolerable” was the word she used. And at what Andy had just said, Joe looked like he had just dropped to his knees.

“She what?” He was stunned.

“I didn't think she'd tell you. It was on Christmas, I think. We hadn't met again yet. She was in the hospital for a long time.” Andy was shameless. But he was a desperate man. And he was convinced that if he could get Kate away from Joe this time, she would be his for the rest of his life. But he didn't know his wife. The only way to have wrested Joe from her would have been to kill her or him. Anything less wouldn't have worked. She loved Joe that much.

“I can't believe that.” Joe looked appalled, and Andy looked sad. “A mental hospital?” This time Andy nodded, seemingly unable to speak he was so chagrined. But the poisoned dart he had aimed at Joe had done its job. The venom was coursing through Joe's veins. The very thought of her committing suicide because of him was more than he could bear. It terrified him and would have made him not only the bad little boy he had been accused of being as a child, but a truly evil man as an adult. And a hidden fragile part of him could not allow him to risk that, just as Andy had hoped.

“What are you going to do about her wanting more children? She told me only yesterday she wants two more.” Andy continued to hone in with blow after lethal blow.

“Yesterday?” Joe looked shocked. “I think you must have misunderstood. I've been very clear about that.”

“So has Kate. She's a lot like her mother, in a far subtler way.” Andy also knew from Kate how much Joe had hated Liz. “And we haven't spoken about the most important issue to me, my son. Are you really prepared to bring him up, to play baseball with him, to sit up with him at night when he has an earache or a nightmare or he throws up? Somehow, I don't see you doing that.” Andy was letting it all sink in. And Joe looked visibly sick. He and Kate had discussed none of those things. Or at least he thought they had. She had said she would be content with only one child, and would have a nurse for him so she could travel with Joe from time to time. But Andy was painting a far more vivid picture than she ever had. Particularly of Kate. The knowledge that she had attempted suicide when she felt abandoned by him three years before nearly drove him insane. It was guilt of the purest kind, and highly toxic to him. “So where are we now, Joe? I don't want to lose my wife, or my son's mother. I don't want her feeling abandoned when you travel and perhaps trying something foolish again. She's very fragile, far more so than she looks. It's in her family. Her father committed suicide after all. She could easily follow in his footsteps one day.” It was an evil trick to play on Kate, and such a cruel one. She had no idea what Andy was doing to her, in Joe's eyes, or to Joe. Andy was playing all Joe's worst fears like keys on a piano, and Joe was so anxious he could hardly speak. All he wanted to do was run, and all he could remember was Clarke describing her as a bird with a broken wing. Joe had no way of knowing that Kate had never even contemplated suicide, and no matter how unhappy she'd been over him, it had been the farthest thing from her mind. But Andy's ploy had accomplished just what he had wanted it to. No matter how much he loved her, Joe realized again now that marrying her was not a responsibility he could undertake. He had known that before. And Andy had convinced him with a few brief brushstrokes that he'd been right. He was gone.

“So where are we now?” Andy asked innocently, in the guise of talking man to man. But what he had done was not worthy of any man. It was something Joe would never, ever have done, to her, or anyone else. But his own fears were so rampant, he couldn't see Andy's ploy for what it was. The act of a desperate man. He took it as truth. And he wanted to cry as he sat at his desk.

“I think you're right. I think no matter how hard I try, the way I live my life, and have to with my work, will cause her irreparable damage. Imagine if she killed herself while I was on a trip.” He couldn't even bear thinking about it, the very idea made him feel sick, and overwhelmed.

“I think she could,” Andy said thoughtfully, as though weighing the possibility, as he met Joe's eyes. And all he could see in Joe's eyes was fear.

“I can't do that to her. At least you can keep an eye on her. Weren't you afraid to leave her when you went to Europe for four months?” Joe asked, looking puzzled for a moment, but Andy was quick to explain.

“My parents promised to keep an eye on her, and hers of course. And she sees her psychiatrist twice a week.”

“Psychiatrist?” Joe looked shocked again. “She sees a psychiatrist?”

Andy nodded. “I gather she didn't tell you that either. It's one of those dark secrets she keeps.”

“She seems to have a lot of them.” But he could see why. In his eyes, it wasn't something to be proud of, nor was her father's suicide. Her secrecy about that had set the stage for everything else Andy chose to say. Kate had never seen a psychiatrist in her life, as he knew full well, nor attempted suicide, nor chased after him when he went to work. Nor had he ever come home to her in the middle of the day. It was all lies. But it had worked. “I don't know what to say to her,” Joe said with a look of despair. He loved her, and she him, but he believed now that attempting to share his life with her would more than likely destroy her, or even kill her. It was a danger he was not willing to risk. And a guilt he could never have borne.

All Joe wanted now was to get Andy out of his office, and to be alone. He had never felt as unhappy in his life, not even when she left New Jersey. This was far, far worse. He had been so sure he was going to marry Kate, and that in time Andy would step aside. But he could see now that it was better for Kate if she stayed with him. It was safer for her, and best for their child. There really was no choice. And to signal that the battle was over, he stood up and looked dour as he shook Andy's hand.

“Thank you for coming here,” Joe said somberly, “I think you did the right thing for Kate.” He loved her too much to put her in jeopardy, and the fear of her committing suicide was too great a risk to take, not to mention the terrors Andy had awakened in him as well.

“So did you,” Andy said, as Joe showed him to the door of his office, and Andy left. And as the door closed, Joe went to sit at his desk again, and stare at the view. All he could think of was Kate as tears rolled slowly down his cheeks. He had lost her again.

Kate never knew what had happened between Joe and Andy that day. She never even knew that they had met. Andy came home quietly that afternoon and said nothing to her. But there was an air of victory about him that made her feel sick. Her jailer, who had once been her husband, was pleased with himself. And she hated him all the more. Any hint of love had vanished between them, and for her at least was forever gone.

Two days later, Joe asked her to lunch. They met at a small dark restaurant where they had gone to lunch before, and neither of them touched their food. He told her simply that he had thought about it, and knew that he could not drag her out of her marriage, at the risk of her losing her son. It was something he could not do. And listening to him, she could see the guilt in his eyes. He was in great pain. Far greater than she knew. All he'd been able to think of since seeing Andy was her attempted suicide three years before, and all because of him supposedly. It was more than he could stand. And so he was leaving her. It was an agonizing lunch for both of them, and afterward Kate cried all the way home in the cab. Joe had told her that they had to let each other go, had to forget each other. The pain had to end for both of them. He was afraid to say too much to her, for fear of driving her to suicide again.

And as she lay on her bed and cried after she got home, she knew she'd never see Joe again. She wished she were dead, but not enough so to take the matter into her own hands. The thought never even crossed her mind.

And Joe did what he knew best. He ran. He flew to California that night. And when Andy saw her when he came home from the office that afternoon, he knew that the deed was done. He had won, whatever the price.

18

THE ATMOSPHERE BETWEEN Andy and Kate was tense for months. They barely spoke to each other, she was obviously depressed, and she lost a shocking amount of weight. They hadn't made love with each other since he got home. She stayed as far away from Andy as she could. She talked to Joe from time to time. But just as he knew it would, the time and space between them began to force them apart, no matter how deeply they still felt for each other. Andy had executed his plan brilliantly. The fatal damage had been done. But Kate knew that no matter how long he kept her prisoner, he would never change what was in her heart. He lost her forever the moment he had forced her to stay with him, and blackmailed her with her son. She had stopped feeling anything, even sympathy for him. For Kate, it was over from that moment on. She hated him, and would have hated him more if she'd known what he'd said to Joe.

Things improved slightly after Reed's first birthday in March. Andy had been home from Germany for eight months by then, and it had been a very rough time.

Her parents had commented on it, but this time neither of them dared ask what was going on. Whatever it was that had happened to them, it had taken a tremendous toll.

They went to Cape Cod that summer, as they always did, and this time Kate and Andy slept in separate rooms. Andy could force Kate to stay married to him, but he couldn't force her to make love. Their life had become a nightmare, their marriage an empty shell. And Kate looked like a ghost as she walked around the house.

Kate stayed home from the barbecue that year, and when her parents came back, her father commented that Joe Allbright hadn't been there that year. As he said the words, Andy looked at Kate, and the look of hatred between them was so strong that Clarke was stunned. Her parents were in despair over what they'd seen after Kate and Andy went home.

Reed was walking by then, and when they got home, she called Joe, as she did from time to time, just to see how he was. Hazel said he was in California, doing test flights again, and Kate asked her to send him her love when he called. All she heard from him by then were cryptic postcards once in a while. They hadn't talked in a long time.

It was nearly Thanksgiving when Andy looked at her one night. The nightmare that their marriage had become had gone on for a year. “Is there any chance we could at least become friends again? I miss talking to you, Kate.” They had lost everything between them when he had refused to let her out. He had won an empty victory, all that was left of Kate now was a shell. “Why don't we at least try to be friends?” But even as he said the words, he saw in her eyes that there was no hope. She was gone. He had been her enemy for too long.

“I don't know,” she said to him honestly. In the past year, she had felt nothing for him. The only man she still cared about was Joe, and he was out of her life and back to his own, and his other love. His airplanes had become his passion again, and had always been. It was only for a brief time that he had finally understood he could have both. And now that she was gone, they were all he wanted, and all he had. There had been no other woman in his life.

They went to Andy's parents for the holidays that year, and after that, out of sheer loneliness, she at least began talking to him again. But that was all. She hadn't slept with him, or made love to him in eighteen months. She had moved into the second bedroom with Reed. They spent New Year's Eve with friends, and actually danced with each other, and Kate drank an inordinate amount of champagne. He actually heard her laugh that night, and she was so drunk she flirted with him on the way home. It was the most fun he'd had with her in a year and a half, and it almost reminded him of old times. He helped her out of her coat when they got home, and the strap of her dress slipped off her shoulder, and revealed parts of her he hadn't seen in far too long. He'd had a fair amount to drink himself, and suddenly found himself kissing her, and fondling her, and was amazed to feel her respond.

“Kate?…” He didn't want to take advantage of her when she was drunk, but the temptation was far too great, for both of them. They were married after all, and living a celibate life. She was twenty-eight years old, and he had turned thirty that month, and they had just spent one of the loneliest years of both their lives.

She followed him into the bedroom they no longer shared. She was still living in the bedroom next to his, and Reed was still sleeping in a crib next to her. He was twenty-one months old, and sound asleep when the sitter left that night.

“Would you like to sleep with me tonight, Kate?” Andy offered tentatively, and without a word, she took off her dress and slipped into his bed. He had no illusions that she was in love with him. They were two drowning people lost in a stormy sea, clutching at anything they could to survive. Each other, if all else failed.

Afterward, she hardly remembered making love to him that night. All she knew was that she'd woken up in his bed, and then scurried back to her own. When he woke up on New Year's Day, she was gone.

They both had fearsome hangovers and said very little that day. She was profoundly upset by what had happened the night before. She had vowed to herself fourteen months before that she would never sleep with him again. And she hadn't, until then. But she was so lonely, the champagne had unleashed a torrent of desire that had gone unquenched for too long.

They made no mention of it and went back to their separate solitude, and it was only at the end of January that she told him the news. She had been devastated when she found out. It was yet another bond to him, but she had long since given up hope of getting out. Andy had made it perfectly clear to her. He owned her for the rest of her life. And now, she was expecting another child.

He hoped it would bring them closer to each other, but it drove them even further apart. She was constantly sick, day and night. She took to her bed and stayed there most of the time. She was in bed all through the spring, and only got up briefly in the afternoons to take Reed to the park. Her illness was yet another way of shutting Andy out.

They dined in silence at night, and the only sounds in the apartment once Andy got home, were Reed's chatterings. Andy and Kate rarely spoke to each other anymore. And in June, Kate saw in the newspaper that Joe had gotten engaged. She called to congratulate him, and found he was in Paris. He never called her anymore. At twenty-nine, she felt as though her life was over. She was married to a man she felt nothing for, was having a child she didn't want, and had lost the only man she'd ever loved. The baby was due in September, and Kate didn't seem to care. The only joys in her life were her son, and her memories of Joe.

It was Andy who finally came to her, just before their second child was born. She was lying on her bed, reading late at night, Reed was in bed next to her, sound asleep. He had turned two in March, and was a beautiful, loving child. She looked up when she saw Andy come into the room. Looking at him now was like seeing a stranger. It was hard to imagine they'd ever been close or thought they were in love, or were even friends.

“How do you feel?” he asked, sitting next to her on the bed. It was the closest they'd been to each other in eight months. It was hard to believe it had been that way between them for almost two years. The only decent time they'd ever shared was their first year of marriage, before he left for Germany and Joe came back.

“I feel large,” she smiled. Talking to him was like talking to a distant friend, someone you had met years before and hadn't seen in a long time.

“I thought you'd like to know. I'm moving out after the baby comes.” He had made the decision weeks before, and rented an apartment that afternoon. He couldn't live that way anymore. Anything they'd ever shared or dreamed had long since died. And he knew now that he could no longer keep her like a bird in a cage. Her spirit had long since flown. The victory he had won over Joe was meaningless, he knew now. Kate had never been Andy's to lose. She was always Joe's.

“Why are you moving out?” she asked quietly, putting her book down.

“Why stay? You were right. It was a mistake. I'm sorry I got you pregnant on New Year's Eve. This complicates things for you.”

“Destiny, I guess. That word again.” It was the thing that made people come and go, or stay, or wish they could, and not make the right decision when they should. Chance. “The baby will be good for Reed,” she said quietly. “Where are you going?” It was like asking a fellow traveler on a train, not a man she had once loved. She was no longer sure she ever had. Probably not. They had been better as friends. She had just been so heartbroken after she left Joe. But they had both paid a high price for what they'd done.

“I should have listened to you two years ago,” he said. She nodded and said nothing. The two years he'd taken to agree to a divorce had cost her Joe. She wondered if he was married yet. The papers hadn't said, only that he'd gotten engaged several months before. And she had to respect that now. It was too late for them. And certainly for her, she felt. Andy had wasted her life, and destroyed her dreams. They belonged now to the woman who was going to marry Joe. And Kate had none.

“You were probably right to try,” she said to Andy, trying to be fair. But she had been too much in love with Joe to even consider it. The marriage to Andy had ended the moment she saw Joe again.

“Go back to him, Kate,” he said softly, looking like the friend he had once been as she watched his eyes. “I've never understood what you two had, or why, but whatever it is, it's powerful for both of you, you deserve to have it, if you want it that much.” She had all but died when he left. There was nothing left. She felt dead inside. “Tell him you're free now. He has a right to know.” Andy had spent two years feeling guilty over the lies he'd told Joe, particularly once he saw that Kate had closed all doors to him. But he had no idea how to undo the damage he had done to her, in Joe's eyes. And he didn't have the courage to tell Kate. But as much as she and Joe loved each other, or had, Andy suspected Joe would forgive her anything.

“He's engaged to someone else,” she said with somber eyes.

“So what?” Andy smiled. “We were married when he came back. If he loves you, he'll want you now, no matter what.”

“Is that how it works?” She smiled back at Andy for the first time in a long time. For two years, he had been her jailer and nothing more. Maybe now, in freeing her, they could at least be friends again. It was what he had hoped when he had decided to let her go. Even he wanted more. “It's too late for us.” Andy knew she was talking about Joe. “Our timing is pretty grim. He's engaged.”

“I remember when everyone thought he was dead, and you still believed he was alive. You've been dead for two years, Kate. You need a life again. All you've ever wanted was to be with him.”

“I know,” she said softly. “Crazy, isn't it? I always did. The first time I met him, I was hooked. It was the damnedest thing. Like some giant fishhook in my gut. We never seem to be able to cut the line.”

“Then don't. Swim back to him. Do whatever you have to do, but follow your dream.” He had, but the dream he had followed had belonged to someone else, and he knew it always would. She had always been Joe's and never his.

“Thank you,” she said, and he bent down to kiss her cheek.

“Get some sleep,” he said, and left her room.

She lay in bed thinking about Andy after he left her room that night. It was strange how little she felt, not sadness, not relief. She felt nothing at all, and hadn't for two years. She had been numb. She thought of what he'd said to her about Joe, and wondered if it was even possible anymore. Follow your dream… swim … fly… go to him… She smiled as she turned over and went to sleep. It was hard to believe that the dream would ever be hers. It had always been just out of reach. And it was again. He was engaged, or maybe even married by then. She felt she had no right to turn his life upside down again. Whatever he had now, he had a right to it. And it was odd to realize that in the end she had lost them both, Andy and Joe. Whatever Andy said now, out of guilt, she knew it was too late to call Joe. Her gift to him this time was to let him go.

Andy took her to the hospital when the baby came. It was a little girl this time. They named her Stephanie. And two weeks later, Andy moved out. It was surprisingly unemotional. Everything between them had been dead for so long that neither of them felt anything but relief.

Kate left for Reno with both children and a nurse when Stephanie was four weeks old. She stayed for six weeks, and came back on the train, divorced, on December 15th. She had been legally married to Andy for three and a half years, and in reality only for one. She heard from a friend that Andy was going out with someone else by then, and supposedly madly in love. She hoped he was. They had both been lonely for long enough. She wished for him that he would marry again and have more kids. He deserved a lot better than she'd given him, although they both loved Stephanie and Reed. He was going to see them every Wednesday afternoon, and alternate weekends. It had all been so neatly and quietly done, as though it had never happened at all. Now that it was over, it seemed like a dream. Her parents mourned the marriage far more than either she or Andy did. They had never fully accepted or understood why it died.

A week after they got back from Reno, she took Reed to buy a Christmas tree, and she felt like herself for the first time in years. They sang Christmas carols as they walked along, and when they got to the lot on the corner, Reed picked an enormous Christmas tree. She was telling the men where to deliver it, as Reed jumped up and down clapping his hands, when she saw someone get out of a car with his head down in the cold. It had just started to snow. He was wearing a hat and a dark coat, and she knew it was him even before he turned around, and as soon as he did, he saw her. It was Joe. He stopped and then smiled at her. They hadn't talked on the phone in months, or seen each other in two years.

As he walked toward her, she smiled in spite of herself. Destiny. There he was. Just seeing him reminded her of the magic they had always shared. Their paths crossed and then disappeared again, separately, and then suddenly there he would be. At the barbecue, on the ship, at the ball when she was seventeen. It had been twelve years since then. And just seeing him brought back the dream.

“Hello, Kate.” He had come to buy a Christmas tree. She didn't even know where he was anymore. California, New York. Somewhere else. She hadn't called or written to him. They had put each other through enough two years before. It was done, she had told herself. If nothing else, she owed him peace. But some power or force had intervened, and brought him back to cross her path yet again.

“Hello, Joe.” She smiled at him. It was so good to see him in spite of everything. He looked the same. And her heart ached at the sight of him.

“How's your life these days?” There was a lot he wanted to know, but it seemed awkward to ask with a lot of people milling around, and Reed standing next to her. He was old enough to understand what they said.

Kate laughed, remembering Andy's words before he left. Tell him. Call him. Find him. He had found her. She decided to jump in. “I'm divorced.”

“When did that happen?” He looked startled, but pleased.

“We got back from Reno last week. I took the kids with me.”

“Kids?” he seemed surprised.

“Stephanie. She's three months old. I got drunk last New Year's Eve.” It was a lot of information to share over a Christmas tree, after two years, and Joe looked amused. “What about you?”

“I got drunk last New Year's Eve too, but I don't have anything to show for it. I got engaged in June. Things are a little rocky these days. She hates my planes.”

“That won't work,” Kate said sensibly. She was basking in the pleasure of just looking at him. They both knew, just standing there, that nothing had changed. It was still there for both of them. Just the way it had been since the first day. What they had shared had been infinitely rare, and still was.

“Will we work, Kate?” he asked, as he moved closer to her. They had already put each other through a lot of pain. Maybe it was too late for them, there was always that possibility. Or the chance that they'd get lucky this time if they tried, if they dared. Maybe one day they'd have to be brave enough to take the chance, and do it right. And as he looked at her, all the terrifying things Andy had said about her two years before no longer mattered to him.

“I don't know. What do you think?” She was game. But she didn't want to say it to him.

There had been so much water under the bridge, oceans of it. Wars, and the empire he'd built, her marriage, their affair two years before, and now her divorce. They had come together and apart so many times, in so many ways, and yet the bond was still there, the magic, the flame. They could both feel it as they stood looking at each other in the snow.

“Go home, Mommy,” Reed said, tugging at her arm, he was getting impatient waiting around, and he didn't know who the man was.

“In a minute, sweetheart.” Kate gently touched the child's cheek with her hand.

“What do you say?” Joe asked, looking at her intently with his blue eyes, as his hat got slowly covered with the falling snow.

“Now? You want to know now?” She stared at Joe in disbelief.

“We've waited twelve years, Kate,” he said calmly. It seemed long enough to him.

“Yes, we have. If I had to give you an answer right now, I'd say we give it a try.” After she said it, Kate held her breath, not sure what he would think or say, or if her willingness would frighten him and make him run away. But he wasn't going anywhere this time. He looked down at her and stood firm.

“I'd say you're right. We're probably crazy. God knows if this would ever work. Our timing has been rotten so far, but maybe this is our time.” It had never been before. They were always wanting something different from each other than the other could provide at that moment. It was as though the fates had conspired to keep them apart. And now suddenly there they were. And with any luck at all, maybe this was finally the right time, for both of them.

“What about your fiancee?” Kate looked concerned. Andy had ended it for them two years before, maybe now she would. Or someone else.

“Give me an hour. I'll tell her the design has been canceled, she failed the test flight.” He smiled at Kate.

“What about kids?” She was curious about that in case she wanted more. It was a crazy conversation, but so typical of them. They were like lightning flashing through the sky, lighting up each other's worlds.

“You have two kids, I think. Do we have to settle all this right now? I didn't even know I was going to run into you. Is there a chance I'll ever see you again, so we can discuss the rest?” He was laughing at her. And she could see in his eyes that he was happy and no longer afraid. Or at least not then.

“That could be arranged.” She was grinning at him. Life had a way of taking the strangest turns. When you least expected it, you walked right into your dreams, and found yourself where you no longer expected to be. It had been the story of their lives till then.

“Same address?” She nodded. “I'll call you tonight. Just don't get married, or go back to Andy, or run away. Sit tight for a couple of hours and try not to get into trouble, will you please?” he said, looking firmly at her.

“I'll try.” All she could do was smile.

“Good.” He came over and put his arms around her, as Reed stared up at them, still wondering who he was. “Welcome back, Kate.” Her life had been a wasteland since they'd left each other, and his had mostly been filled with work and planes and recently a woman who got airsick in an elevator and hated flying with him, unlike Kate. Their lives had taken some very crazy turns, and some extremely unusual ones. There was the time he spent in Germany for nearly two years, and her marriage to Andy, and the last two lonely years before he finally let her go. It was hard to believe that their time had finally come. Neither of them was entirely sure it had, but it looked like it. And suddenly there didn't seem to be a moment to waste. He wasn't going to wait another twelve years to work it out. He wasn't going to let her get away this time, or run away himself. “I'll call you in two hours, and I'll come by tonight. There's something I have to do first.” Kate had already figured out what that was. He had an engagement to break. And for once, Kate didn't care what it took for him to come back. She just wanted him. They had climbed Everest to find each other again, and she wasn't going to share the prize with anyone. Joe was hers. She had earned the right to be with him fair and square.

He called her two hours later, and came by at eight o'clock that night after the children were asleep. They were so hungry for each other that they didn't waste any words. They closed her bedroom door and nearly devoured each other. They were like starving people, and they had been for far too long. It had taken them forever to get here, but they were safe at last. Or they hoped they were. It was impossible to know. But at least they had to try. There were no guarantees, there were only dreams, and as they fell asleep in each other's arms that night, they each knew they were where they wanted to be, and always had.

Joe played with Reed the next morning, while she fed the baby, and then they decorated the tree. He spent Christmas with them, and two days later, he and Kate went to City Hall. They went alone, hand in hand, with no friends and no witnesses, and no false hopes. And they called her parents when they got home. The suddenness of it came as a shock to them, but it was not a total surprise. Her mother reminded her father that she had finally lost a bet to him, over Joe marrying Kate. She had been convinced he never would.

“I never thought I'd see this day,” Liz said in amazement as they hung up the phone. And neither did Kate and Joe. It had taken so long, on an endlessly curvy road.

“Happy?” Joe asked her, as she cuddled up next to him in bed that night.

“Totally,” she said, with a broad smile. She was Mrs. Joe Allbright at last.

He lay looking at her for a long time that night after she fell asleep. Everything about her had always fascinated him, and now she was finally his. He didn't see how it could go wrong. It seemed like the perfect combination to him. He had always been her passion, and she was his dream. Her happy ending had come. And theirs.

19

THE FIRST DAYS OF Joe and Kate's marriage were blissful and exactly what they'd each expected them to be. They were happy and busy. She had hired a nurse to help take care of the kids, so she could have plenty of free time with him. She visited him at the office, gave him advice on some of his projects. She flew with him on weekends, and when he came home at night, he played with the kids. She went to California with him in January, and was enormously impressed by his entire operation there. She even went to Nevada with him, and watched him do his test flights, and afterward, he took her up for a spin. She loved all the wild and crazy things he did. And best of all, he was hers.

“It's a good thing I didn't marry Mary,” he said with a grin after a particularly dicey flight over the desert. He had dazzled Kate with a series of loops and stalls. She had always loved doing that with him. She said it was better than a roller coaster, and nothing he did, no matter how scary, ever made her airsick. She loved flying with him, no matter what he did, although she didn't fly herself anymore. It had been too long.

“She probably cooks better than I do,” Kate said cheerfully as she got out of the cockpit with him, and he had mentioned his ex-fiancé.

“That's for sure. She'd have thrown up all over me after that flight.” She had flatly refused to go up in a plane with him, and didn't even like hearing about what he did. He had known even then that getting engaged to her had been foolish, but he'd been bored and lonely when Kate stayed with Andy, and he wanted to prove to himself that he could have a life with someone else. But the only woman he'd ever really loved was Kate.

In his opinion, Kate had saved him from a fate worse than death, if he'd ever gone through with it, which he'd begun to doubt anyway. Kate was perfect for him, in every way. She loved flying, loved him, loved his planes. And she put something in his life that, without her, was never there. She was full of mischief and childlike spirit and fun. She trusted him and loved him. She was serious when he wanted her to be, and smarter than any woman he'd ever known, and most men. She loved him more than life itself, and he loved her. They had it all. And they made a couple so striking and so handsome that wherever they went, people stopped to stare. Everyone knew who he was, and his quiet, powerful style was the perfect counterpoint to her wit, charm, and poise.

She and her children moved into his apartment a month after they got married, and she brought her dog. There was enough room for all of them, and even the nurse for the kids. And little by little, she added pretty things to his apartment and feminine touches, which made it more livable for all of them. They were even talking about buying a house.

They talked about a lot of things. Nothing was sacred now to either of them. He had even brought up her “attempted suicide” one day. It had haunted him ever since Andy had told him about it two years before. And Joe told her how sorry he was. Kate had looked blank as she listened to him.

“What are you talking about?” She looked mystified by what he had just said.

“It's all right, Kate. I know,” Joe said quietly. But he didn't tell her how. He had never told her that Andy had come to see him that day. He didn't think she needed to know.

“You know what?” Kate asked, still sounding confused, and Joe thought she was being coy.

“That you tried to kill yourself, after we broke up years ago.” He had nearly forgiven himself for it, but not quite. He was still trying to make it up to her. He had felt guilty about it for the past two years.

“Are you nuts? I was out of my mind over you, but I wasn't totally insane. What on earth made you think I tried to kill myself?” The way she looked at him suddenly made him pause.

“Are you telling me you never tried to commit suicide, Kate?” She wasn't sure if he was angry or relieved, and neither was he.

“That's exactly what I'm telling you. That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard. How could you even think I would do something like that? I love you, Joe. But I've never been out of my mind. That's a terrible thing to do,” as she knew only too well. But there was a thunderous look on Joe's face as he looked pointedly at her.

“Did you ever see a psychiatrist?”

“No,” she looked startled. “Do you think I should?”

“That sonofabitch!” he said, exploding out of the chair where he'd been sitting, and suddenly pacing around the room in what looked to Kate like a rage.

“What are you talking about?” He was making no sense to her, but it all made perfect sense to him now.

“I'm talking about that rotten little bastard you were married to. I don't even know how to tell you what he did, or what a fool I was.” He felt even guiltier now for believing him. But he understood perfectly what Andy had done, and why. He had played right into every one of Joe's old fears. And Joe felt sick thinking about how he had taken the bait and the line. It had cost them both another two years of wasted time.

“Are you saying that Andy told you I tried to kill myself?” She stared at Joe in disbelief. “And you believed him?” She looked amazed as well as hurt.