Love the one you're with

eight

I will never forget the moment when I knew that Andy was interested in me as more than just his sister's best friend, or even, for that matter, his friend. Interestingly, it didn't happen in New York, even though Margot and I saw Andy on a fairly regular basis, usually out at the bars for a few drinks, our group of friends mixing well with his.

Rather, I was in Atlanta, home with Margot and Andy for Thanksgiving, the three of us flying in the night before. It was well after we had finished the feast that Margot's mother, Stella, had prepared single-handedly (the Grahams' longtime housekeeper, Gloria, had been given the week off), and the worst of the dishes had been cleared and loaded into the dishwasher. Andy and I were alone in the kitchen after I had volunteered to wash the crystal and silver (and nobody objected, which made me feel even more welcomed), and Andy had quickly offered to dry-which I thought was particularly nice in a traditional family where the men seemed to have a complete pass on any domestic duties.

Meanwhile, Margot, her parents, and her brother James had all retired to the "TV den" and were watching The Shawshank Redemption. Incidentally, there were about three other rooms that could be called dens, but instead were called the game room, library, and family room. The entire house was grand and sprawling and filled with fine antiques, Oriental rugs, oil paintings, and other valuable heirlooms collected by way of exotic travels and deceased relatives. Yet despite how formal the house was, every room managed to feel cozy, which I attributed to the warm, soft lighting and the plethora of comfortable chairs to curl up in. Stella did not believe in a lot of things-store-bought salad dressings, regifting, hyphenated last names, for example-and a big one was uncomfortable seating. "Nothing ruins a dinner party faster than hard chairs," she offhandedly told me once. When she offered gems like this, I always had the feeling I should jot them down in a notebook somewhere to consult for future reference.

But in a house full of beautiful, comfortable rooms, the kitchen was probably my favorite. I loved the caramel-colored walls, the slate countertops, and the heavy copper pots and pans hanging from hooks over the island. I was enchanted by the picture window overlooking the back terrace and the stone fireplace beside which everyone congregated. It was just the sort of spacious, bright kitchen that you see in the movies. A kitchen featuring a large happy family with a strong yet traditional mother at the helm; a handsome, doting father; a gracious, well-groomed daughter; and a couple of good-natured sons who pop in to dip wooden ladles into simmering pots on the oversized Viking stove and praise their dear mom's-or dear housekeeper's-cooking. Everything about that kitchen was perfect-just like the family in it.

That is what I remember thinking as I plunged my hands into hot, soapy water and fished out two silver teaspoons. I was thinking how lucky I was to be here-that this was exactly how Thanksgiving was supposed to feel-except, perhaps, for the near sixty-degree weather.

My own family had disappointed me that year-which was not uncommon since my mother's death. My father tried for a few years to continue our traditions, but Sharon changed all of that-not in an ill-intentioned sort of way, but simply because she had her own children and her own way of doing things. That year, she and my father had gone to Cleveland to visit Sharon's son, Josh, and his new wife, Leslie, who was a former cheerleader from Ohio State, a fact that Sharon seemed exceedingly and disproportionately proud of. This left Suzanne and me to fend for ourselves, and although I was dubious about two single sisters creating a satisfying Thanksgiving, a holiday revolving around food, when neither of us was adept in the kitchen, I was willing to give it a go. Suzanne, however, was not. She made it clear to me that she wasn't going "to do the holidays this year." I wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but I had grown accustomed to her moods and knew that forcing a traditional Thanksgiving upon her was unwise. So I was beyond grateful when Margot invited me home with her.

I told Andy some of this now, as he asked about my family, careful not to sound bitter and betray my father and sister. Or worse, sound like Margot's pitiful, matchstick friend.

Andy, who had just strapped on a frilly blue apron, more for the comedic effect than any utilitarian purpose, listened intently and then said, "Well, I'm very glad you're here. The more the merrier, I always say."

I smiled, thinking that a lot of people use that expression, but the Grahams truly believed it, and so far today, at least a half-dozen friends had dropped by to say hello, including Margot's high school boyfriend, Ty, who had brought over two-dozen famed, pastel thumbprint cookies from Henri's, a long-standing Atlanta bakery. Margot denied it, but Ty was clearly still in love with her-or at least he was still smitten with her family. I could see how it could happen.

"You know," I said to Andy, "most families aren't like this."

"Like what?"

"Functioning," I said. "Happy."

"We fooled you," Andy said. "It's all a facade."

For a second, I was worried, nearly disillusioned. Was there a dark family secret I didn't know about? Abuse of some kind? White-collar crime? Or worse, a final-word, no-hope diagnosis, like the one that changed everything for my family? I glanced at Andy and saw his jovial expression, feeling awash with relief. My vision of the Grahams as, against all odds, well off and well adjusted was safely intact.

"Nah. We are pretty functioning… Except for James," he said, referring to his younger brother, the lovable screw-up of the family who at the time was living in the guest house in the backyard, hence earning the nickname Kato Kaelin. James had just lost another job-he had more "God-awful bosses" than anyone I had ever known-and had recently totaled at least his third fancy, free car. Yet even James's antics seemed to add only good flavor, the rest of the family simply shaking their head in fond disbelief.

Andy and I were quiet for a few minutes, our elbows occasionally knocking together as we worked, until he said, out of the blue, "So you ever hear from that guy you used to go out with? Leo, is it?"

My heart jumped. I had just thought of Leo earlier that morning, wondering if he was with his own family in Queens, or whether he was taking a break from the holidays, Suzanne style. I could see him pulling a similar stunt, particularly if he was on a tight deadline. Still, thinking about him was one thing, speaking of him was another. I took a breath, choosing my words carefully. I had the sense that I was going on record, and although I wanted to be accurate, I also wanted to come across as strong. "No," I finally said. "It was a clean break."

This was a bit of an exaggeration, given my grieving period, but I reasoned that it was clean on Leo's end. Besides, if you never contact someone even once after your final breakup, isn't it, by definition, clean? No matter what you feel like on the inside? I thought about the one occasion that I almost called Leo. It was right after September Eleventh. At most a week had passed, but the country-and certainly the city-was still in that awful haze of grief and fear. I knew that Leo's offices and home were nowhere near the World Trade Center, and that he seldom had an occasion to visit New York's financial district. But still. There were so many crazy stories that day-stories about people being in places where they normally weren't-that I started to imagine the worst. Besides, I reasoned to Margot, I was getting lots of calls from old friends, even minor acquaintances, who were checking on me. Wasn't it the compassionate, decent thing to do? After all, I might have had bitter feelings toward Leo, but I wanted him to be alive. My rationalizing got nowhere with Margot who convinced me that I couldn't, under any circumstances, contact Leo, and she did so with one simple, irrefutable argument: "He's not calling to check on you, is he?"

I added a bit more detergent to the running water, the scent of lemon filling the air, as Andy nodded and said, "Clean breaks are always good."

I murmured my agreement. "Yeah. I never really understood those people who are all buddy-buddy with their exes."

"I know," Andy said. "Someone's still holding a flame."

"Like Ty," I said, laughing.

"Ex-actly," Andy said. "I mean, c'mon, man, let the dream die already."

I laughed, thinking that I had certainly let the dream die with Leo, not that I had much of a choice in the matter.

"So," Andy came right out and asked next, "are you seeing anyone now?"

I shook my head. "No. Not really. Occasional dates here and there-mostly compliments of Margot. I think she's set me up with every straight, single man in the fashion industry… But nothing serious… What about you?"

I asked the question even though I basically knew his status-he was single again after a short stint with an off-Broadway actress named Felicia. Margot didn't know many details, only that they had broken up, and that she was pretty sure it was mostly Andy's doing. Apparently Felicia was too high maintenance-a drama queen even off-stage.

Andy confirmed with a chipper, "Single," as I handed him a crystal goblet.

He shot me a sideways smile that made me suddenly wonder if he was doing more than making small talk and helping with the dishes. Could Margot's brother actually be interested in me? Not possible, was my first instinct. It didn't matter that Andy was approachable, friendly, and somewhat goofy; he was still Margot's very cute, very successful, older brother, which made him feel, somehow, out of my league, or at the very least, off-limits. So I pushed any romantic thoughts of Andy out of my mind as we continued our rhythm of washing and rinsing and drying. Then suddenly, we were finished. And surprisingly, I was sorry we were.

"That about does it," Andy said, drying his hands, untying the apron, and folding it neatly on the counter. I pulled the stopper out of the sink and watched the water drain, slowly at first but then in a loud whoosh. I dried my hands and wiped down the counter with a monogrammed G hand towel. I had the sense that I was stalling, but stalling for what, exactly, I wasn't sure.

That's when Andy looked at me and said, "So. Ellen?"

Feeling somewhat nervous, I avoided his gaze and replied, "Yeah?"

Andy cleared his throat while he fiddled with a box of match-sticks on the counter and then said, "When we get back to the city… what do you say we go out? Grab some dinner or something… Just the two of us?"

There was no mistaking it-Andy was asking me out. My mind raced, thinking about the implications of going out with my best friend's brother. Wasn't it a risky proposition? What if we got serious and things ended badly? Would Margot take sides? Would our friendship survive? Or at the very least, would it be too awkward for me to ever return home with her? And so it occurred to me, in that second, to say no or to make up an excuse of some sort and avoid any potential conflict of interest. There were thousands of eligible men in Manhattan; why go down this road?

Instead, I looked into his blue eyes, icy in color, but warmer than any brown eyes I had ever known, and said coyly, carefully, "I think that plan has some potential."

Andy crossed his arms, leaned back against the island, and smiled. I smiled back at him. Then, just as we heard Margot making her way into the kitchen, he gave me a mischievous wink and whispered, "And just think. If all goes well… you've already met the family."

For the rest of the weekend, my excitement grew as Andy and I exchanged many knowing glances, particularly the following evening when Stella probed into her two sons' dating status.

"Isn't there anyone special?" she asked as we played Scrabble at the leather table in the game room.

James laughed and said, "Yeah, Mom. There are lots of special girls… If you get my drift."

"James," Stella said, shaking her always professionally coiffed golden head, and feigning exasperation for her middle child, as she spelled out the word gnomes with her remaining letters.

"Good one, Mom," Andy said adoringly. And then to me, "Do you know that Mom never loses this game?"

I smile, noting how Southerners drop the word my when talking about their parents. "I've heard that," I said, feeling both impressed and slightly intimidated by the Graham matriarch. In fact, winning board games was only one of the many things I'd heard about Stella over the years that contributed to her beloved, almost cult-like, status in her family. Smart, stunning, strong Stella. Charming and charmed, she certainly wasn't going to die of cancer-I was sure of it-but rather asleep in her own bed, at the ripe old age of ninety-four, with a smile on her face, and that perfect head resting on her silk pillowcase.

"That's 'cause she cheats," James said in his slow, deep drawl, an accent so much thicker than rest of the clan's-which I chalked up to his general slothfulness that permeated even his speech. He winked at me and said, "You gotta keep your eye on her real good, Ellen. She's a slippery one."

We all laughed at the preposterous image of the ever-proper Stella Graham cheating, while she shook her head again, her long neck looking particularly graceful. Then she crossed her arms across her gray couture dress, the heavy gold charms on her bracelet sliding toward her elbow.

"What about you, Andrew?" Stella asked.

I felt my face grow warm as I fixed my gaze on her Eiffel Tower charm, undoubtedly a gift from Margot's father, who I call Mr. Graham to this day, the only one not playing tonight. Instead he was reading The Wall Street Journal by the fire and occasionally consulting the dictionary and playing arbitrator of controversial words.

"What about me?" Andy said, evading his mother's question while looking simultaneously amused.

"He dumped Felicia," Margot offered up. "Didn't I tell you that?"

Stella nodded, but kept her eyes on Andy. "Any chance of reconciling with Lucy? Such a sweet, pretty girl," she said wistfully. "I loved Lucy."

James cracked up and then imitated Ricky Ricardo, "Luuuuuuuu-cy! I'm home!"

We all laughed again, while Andy shot me a fleeting, eyebrows raised, insider's look. "Nah. I'm over Lucy," he said, his bare big toe finding my stocking-covered one under the table. "But I do have a date lined up next week."

"Really?" Margot and Stella said at once.

"Yup," Andy said.

"Potential?" Margot asked.

Andy nodded as Mr. Graham looked up from the newspaper with minor curiosity. Margot once told me that her father's only wish was that Andy someday move back to Atlanta and take over his law practice-and viewed his marrying a Yankee as the only significant roadblock to his dream.

Sure enough, Mr. Graham peered over the paper and said, "Is she from the South, by chance?"

"No," Andy said. "But I think you'd all really like her."

I smiled, blushed, and looked down at my letters, taking it as a good sign that I had an F, A, T, and E on my rack.

So that's how Andy and I got our start. Which is why visiting Margot's family (whom I now refer to as Andy's family, having made the switch somewhere between our first date and marriage) always feels like a bit of a sentimental journey for me, like reading an old love letter or returning to the site of an early-relationship date. And I am thinking of all of this now, about a week after Margot's big baby news, as Andy and I fly to Atlanta for a weekend visit.

It is a smooth flight and there is not a cloud in the cobalt blue February sky, but I am still a bit on edge. I am a nervous flyer, perhaps inheriting the skittishness from my mother who refused to do so altogether. Not that my parents could ever afford to fly anywhere, a fact that pains me as I watch my father and Sharon jet off to Florida every winter, where they embark on their gaudy Caribbean cruises. I want my father to be happy, but sometimes it doesn't seem fair that Sharon gets to enjoy the fruits of my father's retirement-and the fact that I have long since learned that life's not fair doesn't really ease the blow.

In any event, the flight attendant now makes a chipper announcement that we are nearing Hartsfield-Jackson Airport and that we should return our seats and tray tables to their upright position. Andy follows instructions and repositions his USA Today crossword to his lap. He taps his paper with his pen and says, "I need a four-letter word for summit?"

"Apex," I say.

Andy shakes his head. "Doesn't fit."

I try again. "Acme?"

He nods. "Thanks," he says, looking proud of my crossword prowess. He is the lawyer, but I am the wordsmith. Like his mother, I now routinely kick his ass in Scrabble and Boggle-and really all board games. Which is fine by Andy-he has almost no competitive instinct.

As the plane softly swerves, I grip my armrest with one hand, Andy's leg with my other. I close my eyes, thinking again of that moment in the kitchen so many years ago. It might not be as titillating as striking a love connection with a dark stranger while sequestered on a murder trial, but in some ways it was even better. It had substance. A sweet, solid core. A foundation of friendship and family-the simple things that really mattered, things that lasted. Andy wasn't about mystery because I already knew him by the time he asked me out. Maybe I didn't know him well, and the knowledge I did have was mostly filtered through Margot-but I still knew him in some fundamental, important way. I knew where he came from. I knew who he loved and who loved him back. I knew that he was a good brother and son. I knew that he was a funny, kind, athletic boy. The sort of boy who helps with the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner, ulterior motive or not.

So when Andy and I went on our first date a few days later, we were much farther along than your average couple out on a first date. We were at least in fourth-date terrain, able to skip the autobiographical, get-to-know-you fare and just relax, have a good time. There was no pretense, positioning, or posturing, which I had grown accustomed to at the end of my relationship with Leo-and on so many bad first dates beyond. Everything felt easy and straightforward, balanced and healthy. I never had to wonder what Andy was thinking, or how he felt, because he was an open book, and so consistently happy. Moreover, he was concerned with making me happy. He was a polite, respectful Southern gentleman, a romantic and a pleaser at heart.

Somewhere deep down, I think I knew from the start that our relationship lacked a certain intensity, but not in a way where I felt something was missing. To the contrary, it felt like a huge relief never to fret-sort of like your first day of feeling healthy after a vicious case of the flu. The mere absence of feeling miserable was euphoric. This, I thought to myself as Andy and I gradually grew closer, was the way things were supposed to be. This was how love was supposed to feel. More important, I believed that it was the only kind of love that wouldn't burn out. Andy had staying power. Together, we had the potential to last forever.

I feel the plane begin to make its final descent as Andy folds his newspaper, stuffs it into the duffel bag at his feet, and squeezes my hand. "You doing okay?"

"Yes," I say, thinking that's the thing about Andy-I'm always at least okay when I'm with him.

Moments later we land safely in Atlanta, pulling into our gate several minutes ahead of schedule. Andy stands to retrieve our coats from the overhead bin while I turn on my phone to see if Margot has called. Our plan as of last night was to meet outside at Delta arrivals at nine-thirty sharp, but Margot often runs late or changes plans midstream. Sure enough, there is a blinking mailbox icon on my phone. One new message. I hit play, quickly realizing with both excitement and dread that the message is not from Margot. The message is from Leo. Leo, who, two weeks after our meeting, is apparently making good on his promise of a renewed friendship.

Flustered, I glance at Andy who is oblivious. I could easily listen to the whole message without his knowledge, and a guilty part of me is dying to hear what Leo has to say. Instead, I let him get no farther than, "Hey, Ellen. Leo here," before shutting off my phone and silencing him. I will not allow him to say more than that in Andy's hometown. In Andy's presence, period.