Loves Me, Loves Me Knot

Purl 18

“I think I fucked up.”

Gage took a swig of beer from the bottle in his hand, doing his best to block out the noise around him. The raised voices of bar patrons, the competing programs playing on two separate televisions, the clanking of glasses from people drinking and waitresses filling or clearing orders.

It all clumped and clanged in his head, adding to the pressure there, making him wonder if he should drink more in an attempt to block it out… or drink less to keep the sensitive tissues of his brain from becoming so susceptible in the first place.

Zack and Dylan were with him-on their usual night, at their usual table-and had been since around seven o’clock. It was now nearing midnight, and Gage was pretty sure he could accurately predict that Jenna was not going to show up, after all. It was Wednesday night, her knitting group’s meeting night, so she should have.

He’d followed the normal routine of meeting his friends with the sole purpose of being there when she came in with Ronnie and Grace. He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d planned to do or say once she arrived, but he suspected it would have involved embarrassing himself in some fashion.

Now, though, he was sort of pissed that she hadn’t shown up. Sure, she’d saved him public humiliation, but she’d also robbed him of the chance to see her, talk to her, do… something to make up for the way things had ended back at her aunt’s place.

It hadn’t been quite a week since he’d climbed on his Harley and headed back to the city, but it felt like months. Years, even. The longest four days of his life.

Every second of every minute since walking away from her-knowing it was really over and that they’d both finally said everything they had to say to each other-had made him feel worse. Made his insides tighten and his skin twitch.

If leaving had been the reasonable thing to do, he kept thinking, shouldn’t he feel better about it? When a decision was right, it was supposed to have a calming effect. You were supposed to breathe easier and find inner peace.

All he’d found was one more thing to keep him up at night. One more regret to add to his ever-growing list.

This was one regret, though, that he wasn’t sure he could live with. Each day that passed made him feel worse, made him wrack his brain for a way to fix what he’d broken.

Talking with his friends at the precinct had helped. For the first time in a long time, he’d opened his eyes a bit and paid attention to what was going on around him. Not job-wise, but deeper, in the personal lives of the men and women he worked with.

He’d spent years thinking law enforcement and family didn’t mix. Apparently, he was one of the few guys on the force who held that belief. Most of them were married; a lot of them, married or not, had kids. Many were divorced, sure-police work added a level of stress to relationships that most folks didn’t have to deal with-but he had to admit that his observations mostly turned up happy, normal family lives.

So why couldn’t he have that, too?

It was the first time he’d really let himself consider the possibility, and it didn’t sit well because it meant he’d been functioning about fifty points shy of the average IQ. Jenna had tried to tell him that all along, tried to convince him he could be a good husband, a good father, and a good cop.

He hadn’t believed her. Hadn’t trusted her-or himself-enough to believe they could have everything. He still wasn’t entirely confident of the feelings roiling around inside him, but he was coming around. He was starting to think maybe, just… maybe.

Which was why he’d wanted to see her tonight.

And why he was ready to admit he’d fucked things up royally.

“Oh, yeah?” Dylan responded. “What did you do this time?”

“I think I screwed up with Jenna.”

Zack, who was prickly as a cactus these days and had been drinking at a slightly faster clip than his friends, made a sound deep in his throat. “Ha! Join the club.”

“You screwed up with Jenna, too?” Dylan asked in an attempt to lighten the mood around the laminated table. He got a hairy eyeball for his trouble.

“You can’t please ’em,” Zack continued in a slightly louder voice than normal.

His words were becoming just slurred enough that Gage knew they’d have to take his keys and see that he got home some other way. “You buy ’em gifts, you give ’em a big ring, and you don’t cheat on them, redargless”-which Gage took to mean regardless-“of what they might think. But do they believe you? No! ’Course not. They see one naked woman in your bed and aumotatically assume you banged her.”

Slamming his beer down against the table, he nearly bellowed, “Well, I didn’t!”

Dylan cringed, and several heads turned in their direction, but Zack didn’t seem to notice… or care.

“We know that,” Gage reassured him.

When he’d first heard about Grace’s discovery of another woman in Zack’s hotel room on the road, he’d figured Grace had every right to be upset and break off their engagement. Gage was kind of a stickler for fidelity in a marriage and loyalty in all other aspects of life. Friend or no friend, he could never back a cheater.

Once Zack had told them his side of the story, however, Gage’s opinion had changed. He believed Zack when he said he hadn’t invited that woman into his room-or his bed.

It wasn’t Zack’s ranting and raving and the accuracy of the details each time he recounted what had happened that convinced Gage of his innocence, but the obvious anguish in his friend’s voice and demeanor. He was genuinely broken up about losing Grace; he loved her and had been faithful to her, no matter what she thought.

According to Zack, he’d been in the shower when both the strange woman and Grace had arrived at his hotel room. He’d answered the door when Grace knocked, but didn’t know how the other girl had gotten in. A stolen key card, a bribed member of the housekeeping staff… determined puck bunnies seemed to constantly come up with new ways to get close to the players.

It had been a cruel twist of Fate that brought Grace to the door at that very moment. If she’d been five minutes later, Zack had told them more than once, the woman would have been gone because he would have kicked her and her already discarded clothes out into the hall the minute he found her in his bed.

It was something Gage knew Grace needed to know-whether she chose to believe it or not-but wasn’t ready to hear just yet.

“Yeah,” Dylan agreed. “And once Grace has a chance to calm down and really listen to you, she’ll believe it, too. You just have to give her some time.”

Zack let out another snort, then turned his attention back to the bottle in front of him.

“So what did you do to land in the doghouse?” Dylan asked, getting back to Gage’s original comment.

Gage shook his head, running his thumb back and forth distractedly over the label on his Rolling Rock. “I’m starting to think I’ve been wrong about this whole ‘no kids’ thing.”

“Whoa.” Dylan’s eyes went wide and he rocked back an inch or two in his chair. Even Zack dragged himself away from his wallowing long enough to stare dumbly.

Gage felt his face heat at such close scrutiny.

“That’s quite an about-face. What changed your mind?” Dylan asked.

“I don’t know exactly,” Gage admitted, avoiding his friends’ intense gazes by keeping his own eyes slanted down at the tabletop. “I was so sure it was a bad idea. That refusing to have children and letting Jenna go was the right thing to do, the best way to keep everyone safe.”

He drew in a deep breath and threw himself back against his chair. “But I miss her. Being with her again reminded me of how things used to be and how lousy I’ve felt this past year and a half without her. Then I went in to work and started to notice how many of the other guys have kids and happy marriages. Other UCs, detectives, beat cops, the members of SWAT.”

Lifting his head, he met Dylan’s gaze, then Zack’s. “So if they can do it and aren’t afraid something awful will happen to their families, what am I so worried about?”

Dylan leaned in, resting his elbows on the table. “That’s what we’ve always wondered. We tried to tell you that just because bad things happen, it doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily happen to you. Or Jenna or any kids you have.”

Gage’s mouth curled into a self-deprecating grin. “Yeah, I’m getting that. I don’t think I wanted to hear it before, though.”

“You don’t think?” Zack countered. “You were like the Great Wall of China any time the topic came up. I always thought you were afraid something would happen to you and you’d end up leaving Jenna alone to raise whatever children you’d had, but I didn’t think it was worth ruining your marriage over.”

He paused to take a swig of his drink, shrugging a shoulder as he lowered the bottle back to the table before continuing. “I figure it’s better to be with the person you love for as long as you can than be without them forever.” Swiveling his head from Dylan to Gage and back again, his eyes crossed and he said, “That made sense, right?”

Zack might be well on his way to fall-down drunk, but a few of his brain cells were still functioning.

“Yeah,” Gage mumbled. “It does.”

He didn’t want anything to happen to him, to leave Jenna-or any children they might have-alone. And he sure as hell didn’t want anything to happen to them. But being apart was clearly making them both miserable.

What was the point? Why should they be divorced and miserable when they could be married and happy for as long as they were blessed to be together?

They-he-had already wasted too much time, idiot that he was; he didn’t want to waste any more.

Pushing to his feet, he dug out his wallet and tossed a couple bills to the table. “Can you get him home?” he asked Dylan.

Dylan looked surprised, but said, “Sure. Where are you going?”

“I have to find Jenna. I’ve got a couple years’ worth of stupidity to make up for.”

As far as plans went, it could have used a bit more… planning.

He’d stalked out of The Penalty Box full of gusto and determination. It wasn’t until he’d reached his bike and was strapping on his helmet that he realized he didn’t have a clue where Jenna was.

Thank God no one had been in the parking lot to see him remove his helmet, climb back off the bike, and walk back into the bar two seconds after he’d walked out.

To their credit, his friends hadn’t laughed at him-at least not until after he’d left again. Well, Zack had, but Zack was three sheets to the wind and would have laughed at his own shadow at that point.

After asking Dylan if he had any idea where Jenna might be or where the girls might have gone after their knitting meeting since they hadn’t shown up at the Box, his friend had pulled out his cell phone and called Ronnie.

Without telling her why he wanted to know, he’d found out that she and Jenna had gone to Grace’s apartment for a couple of post-meeting, non-Penalty Box drinks before heading home. Gage hadn’t stuck around to hear the rest of the conversation, but had headed back out, this time with a destination in mind.

Now he stood outside Grace’s apartment door, wiping his sweaty palms on the thighs of his jeans and hoping his heart didn’t jump out of his chest before he got a chance to tell Jenna everything he needed to say.

Sucking in lungfuls of oxygen, he braced his feet slightly apart and lifted a hand to rap on the door. He was about to knock again when the door flew open and Grace stood there, staring up at him. She was dressed in some floor-length white satin nightgown with a matching robe. With her blond hair and full face of makeup, she looked for all the world like a Marilyn Monroe wannabe. Stick one of those long black cigarette holders in her hand and she could have been a twenties starlet.

“Hey, girls,” she called back over her shoulder, “it’s a dick. Should we take a vote on whether or not to let him in?”

Something told him she wasn’t calling him a dick because he was an ace detective, but considering audacious was one of Grace’s regular settings, Gage didn’t waste time trying to decipher her comment.

A second later, Ronnie appeared a few feet behind her-still fully dressed in the skirt and blouse she’d worn to work, thank goodness.

Gage breathed a silent sigh of relief at the sight of her. Of the three of them, she hated him least at the moment and was probably his best shot at acting as a voice of reason with the other two.

But instead of smiling and telling Grace to let him in, Ronnie’s eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest. “I think we should let Jenna decide,” she said in a voice that swept over him like a blast from the deep freeze.

Uh-oh. This might not be as easy he’d hoped.

A second after that, Jenna walked into view. She was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans with pink appliqué butterflies running down one leg and a white, scoop-neck top with a butterfly high toward one shoulder. And the boa around her neck of course matched every shade of pink and white in the outfit, bringing it all together in Jenna’s own unique style.

A fist clutched his insides as he took in every detail, from her ruffled black hair to the painted pink toenails peeking out through the open toes of her wedge sandals.

She looked good… but she looked sad, and he vowed to do everything in his power to wipe the pain from her face.

“I need to talk to you,” he said, meeting Jenna’s gaze and speaking past the other two women who stood between them.

A heavy silence followed his words. He waited for her reply, but the longer she took, the more blood pounded through his veins.

Finally, Grace pushed away from the door and headed for the kitchen. “Since it doesn’t look like you’ll be leaving, can I get you a drink?”

He heard ice cubes falling into a glass and dragged his attention away from Jenna long enough to watch Grace stroll back toward him, drink in hand. She offered him the tall, clear glass of light brown liquid, and he nearly reached for it. God knew his mouth was as dry as the Gobi Desert.

At the last minute, though, he stopped himself, curling his fingers into his palm. “No. Thanks,” he told her slowly.

Lifting his eyes to meet hers, he saw a sparkle of amusement there and one corner of his mouth curved in response. “I learned my lesson last time. I’ll get my own beverages from now on.”

“Smart man.” She returned his amused half-smile with one of her own, then raised the glass in mock salute. “You might want to pass that tip along to Zack, by the way, because if I ever get the opportunity to slip anything into his drink, it won’t be a few harmless sleeping pills.”

That came a little too close to a threat on someone’s life for Gage’s cop sensibilities, but he wasn’t here to referee a lovers’ dispute; he had enough problems of his own along those lines.

Turning back to the matter at hand, he fixed his gaze once again on Jenna. He didn’t care if he sounded weak or ridiculous, he needed her to talk to him, to listen to him.

“Please,” he implored, tucking his thumbs self-consciously into two front belt loops. “Just for a minute.”

She exchanged glances with her two friends, but gave a stiff nod and started toward the doorway. Stepping into the hall, he shut the door on Grace and Ronnie to afford them a bit of privacy.

His breath hitched and the heart inside his chest literally ached, it was beating so fast and so hard against his ribcage.

Jenna, who had moved closer to the opposite wall to put some distance between them, didn’t seem to be having such problems. She was practically glaring at him, arms still crossed staunchly beneath her breasts and her lips pressed into a flat, humorless line.

“What do you want, Gage?” she asked in a tired voice.

He’d done that to her. Put the sorrow in her eyes and the slope of defeat to her shoulders.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he said, “I’m just going to jump in here, because I’ve wasted enough time already.”

Deep breath. A lick to dry lips while he tried to get his thoughts in order.

“I messed up, Jenna. You were right about everything, and I was too damn thick-headed to see it.”

She didn’t respond, simply stood there watching him, waiting for him to finish-or get to the point, whichever came first. To keep from grabbing her and pulling her in for a long kiss that might help to absolve him of his sins, he shoved his fingers into his pockets.

“I was a fool, Jenna. I was afraid of losing you to some of the things I’ve seen out on the street. So afraid that instead of holding you close and appreciating every minute we had together, I let it scare me into letting you go and letting our marriage collapse because of it.”

He thought he saw a flash of interest in her eyes and prayed he was on the right track, prayed he could convince her to take him back.

“I was wrong. Wrong and stupid and foolish, and every other word you can think of that spells I-D-I-O-T,” he admitted with a sorry shake of his head. “It took me a while-too damn long, I know-to realize that I can’t control what might happen. In the words of a man smarter than I apparently am, any one of us could walk outside and get hit by a bus tomorrow. It wouldn’t have a damn thing to do with our jobs or lifestyles or what kind of people we are.”

Dropping his head, he studied the black of his boots against the nondescript beige of the industrial hallway carpeting for a second, then took a deep breath, met her gaze again, and barreled on.

“I hate the thought of going through the rest of my life without you. Without ever knowing a minute of happiness because you aren’t there. I don’t want to live without you or without the children we’ll have together. I can’t tell you I won’t still worry-or have moments of sheer panic, frankly,” he added with a crooked, self-deprecating smile, “but I don’t want what I’ve seen as a cop to steal our future. Not for one more minute.”

Holding himself rigid, he waited for her reaction, waited to find out if his revelation had come too late to win her back.

And, dammit, he couldn’t tell. Her face remained impassive, her eyes narrowed with skepticism, but not giving anything away.

This was not going as well as he’d hoped, he thought with a mental cringe. On the way over, he’d envisioned the reaction his speech would receive. He’d tell Jenna he loved her and wanted her back, wanted a happy marriage and children with her, after all. And she would be so delighted and overwhelmed that she would give a little shriek of joy, throw her arms around his neck, and kiss him silly.

Clearly he’d made an error in his calculations.

The seconds ticked by in his head like the echo of a gong, and then it hit him: He hadn’t told her he loved her!

Shit. Mental head slap.

He’d been so focused on letting her know he’d come to his senses and wasn’t going to let fears about the future keep them apart any longer that he’d forgotten the most important part.

“I love you,” he blurted out.

Her eyes widened slightly at that, but if it was due to the declaration itself or the force with which he made it, he couldn’t be sure.

“I love you,” he repeated at a slightly lower decibel level. “I’ve always loved you, Jenna. Never stopped, not even when I signed the divorce papers and walked away. The last year and a half without you has been…” He thought about it, then blew out a frustrated breath. “I’d say ‘hell,’ but Hell is Disney World compared to how miserable I’ve been.”

Risking the pain of rejection that he knew could still come, he took a step forward and grasped her elbows. Her arms slid away from her midsection and fell to her sides, and he tugged her closer until they touched chest to chest.

Staring down at her, he whispered, “I’m sorry. I’ve put you through so much and wasted so much time. But I want to make it up to you. I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you’ll just give me the chance.”

His diaphragm constricted as he ran out of air. That was it; that was all he had in him. If she was going to forgive him and take him back, then she’d have to do it now because he didn’t know what else to do or say that might win her over. The ball was in her court, and all he could do was wait.

Unfortunately, the silence was killing him, scraping along his sensitized nerve endings like nails on a chalkboard.

And her expression gave away nothing. Her eyes were still dark and unreadable. Her lips were still drawn into a thin, tight line.

Fearing it was over and that his heartfelt speech had come too late to break through the thick wall of protection he’d put there to begin with, he released his hold on her arms and took a step back.

There was no pain, not yet. It was like that sometimes with trauma. Shock set in first, numbing the body and momentarily blocking the pain receptors in the brain. But soon enough, reality would kick in, and the knowledge that he’d lost Jenna again-just when he’d finally gotten his head on straight-would be agonizing.

He took a step, half-turning to begin the long, endless walk down the hall and away from her. He prayed she’d go back inside Grace’s apartment before his knees went weak and he did something less than manly like collapse or break down in pathetic sobs.

“You want babies?”

Her words came to him like an echo from inside a dark tunnel. At first he thought he’d imagined it, then he wasn’t quite sure he’d heard correctly.

Turning back around, he found her standing right where he’d left her, looking at him expectantly. She hadn’t slipped back into Grace’s apartment, and she apparently had asked him a question.

The most important question.

“Yeah,” he said, feeling a hitch in his chest that threatened to work its way up his throat. “I want babies. But not just any babies. I only want babies with you.”

Finally, he knew he’d said the right thing. Jenna’s eyes filled with tears, her lips quivered, and she launched herself against him before he could brace himself for the impact. He stumbled back a step, but caught her and anchored them both as his arms came up to wrap around her waist.

A ball of warmth burst low in his belly and spread out into every cell of his being. He hadn’t fucked up, after all; at least not permanently.

She’d listened to him, believed him, and-thank You, Jesus-forgiven him. The only time he could remember feeling this good or being this happy was on his wedding day.

He didn’t think he should mention it yet, but he intended to get her down the aisle again as soon as possible. And if she wanted to get started immediately on the baby-making part, he was ready, willing, and more than able.

After a few minutes of simply standing there, holding each other close, Jenna lifted her face from his neck and fixed him with narrow, serious eyes. “Never, ever do that again!” she told him in a watery voice, then gave his side a pinch for good measure.

“Ow.” He squirmed away from her lethal claws, then asked, “Never do what again?”

“Put me through something like that,” she nearly shrieked. “The silent treatment, the divorce, the not knowing what the heck you want and putting me through the wringer. Never, ever, ever-”

She came at him again with those two dangerous fingertips, and he jumped quickly to one side before she could make contact.

“I won’t,” he assured her. “I promise.”

With a slightly less homicidal demeanor, she snuggled up to him again, and he was more than happy to snuggle back.

“You were so sure when you left, so certain you were making the right decision. What changed your mind?” she asked, leaning into the circle of his arms at her back.

He thought about it for a moment, then replied slowly, “I think I finally… opened my eyes. After being with you again, then leaving you again… God, that is something I never want to repeat, let me tell you. I don’t think my heart could take it.” He shook his head, then made himself get back on track. “Anyway, I started to notice that a lot of the guys on the force have wives and families. They don’t shut themselves away from their loved ones or walk around petrified something will happen to them.”

She lifted a brow and annoyance started to seep back into her gaze. “Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to tell you all along?”

He made a face. “That would be the part where I admit to being a little dense.”

Her expression darkened even more. “A little?”

And then she pinched him. Again.

“Ow.” He rubbed at the poor, abused spot on his side, then said, “You’d better take it easy. If you keep battering me like that, I might not be in any shape to knock you up tonight.”

Her lips twitched with the urge to grin, but she held back, intent on holding his feet to the fire a while longer.

“Who says I want you to knock me up tonight?” she replied smartly, tipping her head in that come-hither way she had that used to drive him crazy-in all the very best ways.

“You’ve only been angling for kids for two or three years now,” he reminded her. “I figured you’d want to get started. And I, for one, am looking forward to some pretty amazing makeup sex.” He waggled his brows for emphasis.

She chuckled. “I’m okay with the makeup sex, but I think we should go a little more slowly with the rest. I want to be sure this is going to work out and that you’re not going to change your mind again.” She growled the last and aimed her curled fingers at his ribcage.

He sucked in his gut to avoid more potential bruising. “I won’t, I swear.”

Seeming to accept his word, she said, “And then I’d like to get remarried before we start having kids.”

“This from the woman who drugged me and tied me to the bed in an attempt to get pregnant?” he asked, brows lifted in doubt.

Her mouth twitched guiltily. “That’s when I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life and didn’t want to spend it childless. Now that I know you’re going to be there…”

She made the pinchy motion again and he rolled his eyes, grabbing her wrist and laying her palm flat on his chest so she couldn’t use it against him.

“I’m not in as much of a hurry. We have time.”

It wasn’t what he’d expected-part of him had expected her to jump his bones right there in the apartment complex hallway-but it sounded good to him.

With a grin, he leaned in to kiss her. Slowly at first, then deeper, until she was pressed to him like cellophane and his arms were bound around her so tightly, he was afraid he might break something.

When they pulled apart a long, long while later, he touched his forehead to hers and whispered, “So what do you say we go home-your place or mine, I don’t care-and at least get started on that makeup sex?”

She stepped into him again, arms around his neck, and gave a little hop, wrapping her legs around his waist. She trusted him to catch her, like so many times in the past. Which he did, by curving his hands under her butt.

“I say yes. I may even let you tie me to the headboard this time,” she teased just above his ear before giving it a tiny love-nip and then moving downward.

Her naughtily whispered words and her mouth on the side of his throat sent his cock jutting upwards, straining against the fly of his jeans. He was trying to hold on to his control here, but she’d be lucky if he didn’t toss her down right there in the hallway and strip her bare.

Between voracious, soul-stealing kisses, he managed to grate out, “Shouldn’t you tell your friends we’re leaving?”

She gave a half-hearted nod and he steered her none-too-steadily over to Grace’s door.

Jenna tapped, then yelled out, “Everything’s fine.”

Kiss.

“We’re leaving.”

Lick.

“I’ll call you later.”

Suuuck.

While his legs could still carry him, he headed for the elevator at the end of the hall. From her heightened position in his arms, she reached down to punch the button with her thumb, then turned back to him. Their gazes met and he saw his love for her reflected in those mossy-green depths.

“I love you,” he murmured, wanting to say it again and again so she knew the words were true.

Releasing her hold on his neck, she ran her hands through his short hair and whispered, “I love you, too. And we’re going to make it work this time.”

“Yes, we are,” he agreed with a knowing grin. “Yes, we are.”