Maybe This Time

Sixteen

By the time Andie pulled up in front of the Victorian, North and Carter were already carrying in the couch with its bolsters, past shrieking kids in their Halloween costumes.

“It’s Halloween,” Andie said to Alice as she helped her with her seat belt. “Next year, we’ll dress up, too. And see? Dennis is even here. Carter’s helping to carry the couch in.”

Alice nodded and slipped out of her seat, still clutching Rose Bunny.

“I’ll get your comforter,” Andie called to her, and Alice nodded and walked toward the house.

Andie got out and met Lydia on the walk.

“Is she all right?” Lydia said, watching Alice’s straight, sturdy little back. “She seems quiet.”

“It might just be the change,” Andie said, watching Alice go up the steps to the porch. “Kids aren’t good with change. I don’t know.”

“Well, she’s safe now,” Lydia said briskly, and went toward the house.

Flo went past carrying a box for Carter and said, in passing, “I still think there’s an Emperor in this somewhere.”

“I’m sure there is,” Andie said, and then Southie said, “How’s Alice?”, and Andie turned and saw him carrying Carter’s box of art supplies toward her.

“Very quiet,” Andie said.

Southie shook his head. “That’s not our Alice. North said Carter was quiet, too, but he’s always quiet.”

“Maybe not this quiet,” Andie said, and followed him into the house.

She found Alice standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking around.

“You okay, honey?” she said.

“I like this wallpaper,” Alice said solemnly.

Since the wallpaper was a faded red Victorian nightmare of a pattern, Andie said, “Oh, good. Your room is upstairs.”

Alice went up the first two treads and then stopped to look into the reception room.

Andie craned her neck to look, too. They must have moved the old couch out because Dennis’s green striped settee was in its place, its bolsters snugged against its arms.

“Good night, Dennis,” Alice called.

Good night, Alice. Welcome to Columbus.

Alice nodded and went up the stairs, and Andie followed.

“Here’s your room,” Lydia said, opening a door, and Alice stopped on the threshold.

Andie looked past her to see pale blue walls and ceiling painted with clouds, and a white four-poster bed draped in a blue-sequined chiffon canopy.

“Do you like it?” Lydia said, and Andie thought she was actually anxious about it.

“It’s bee-you-tee-ful,” Alice said, sincerity in every syllable, and then she crossed the room and sat down on the bed and bounced a little. “I love it.”

Lydia smiled, and Andie walked across the hall to the other open door.

Carter sat on a solid wood bed, his striped comforter already thrown across it, but he was staring at the wall on the other side of the door, so Andie stepped in to see what he was looking at.

A huge drawing table with an adjustable lamp was in the center of the wall, flanked by floor-to-ceiling shelves filled with art supplies and books.

“North had a local art store do it,” Lydia said from behind her. “I thought it was overdone, but evidently not.”

“You okay, Carter?” Andie said.

He looked at her, his face drawn. “It’s great.”

“What’s wrong?” she said, and he shook his head.

“This is really great,” he said, and he sounded sincere.

“Give him some time to settle in,” Lydia said.

“Sure,” Andie said, and gave him one more anxious look before she went to help unpack the cars.

They’ll be okay, she told herself, everything’s fine, the nightmare’s over, they’ll be okay.

When they were unpacked, they ordered pizza in, and then Alice said, “We should play Go Fish, I will teach you,” and Southie said, “What are we, amateurs?” and they played Go Fish for an hour, North bringing gravity to the game, shaking his head solemnly at Alice because he had no eights.

I’m happy, Andie thought, it’s all right now, and when the kids were ready for bed, she stood in the hall between their rooms and said, “Really, it’s all right now.”

Carter went into his room, but Alice said, “Okay,” and hugged her.

“Love you, Andie,” she said when Andie tucked her in, and Andie said, “Love you, too, baby,” and went downstairs to the reception room.

“Dennis?”

Yes?

“Are you feeling all right?”

I can’t feel anything. I’m dead.

“Right, sorry. I just wanted to make sure-”

A light in the office caught her eye and she took a couple of steps so she could see through the doorway.

North was in there, sorting through papers, but when he looked up and saw her, he dropped them. “How are the kids?” he said, as he came around the desk to meet her.

“Weird. Also, from now on you are out of here every night at five o’clock, no exceptions. Dinner with me and the kids every night.”

She braced herself for the argument to come, but he said, “How about six? I meet you and the kids in the dining room for dinner, we help them with their homework and play Go Fish until eight, the kids go to bed, and then it’s you and me.”

She lost her breath for a moment. “I thought you’d argue.”

“Am I stupid?” He put his arms around her. “That was a long, cold ten years you were gone, Andromeda.”

She held on to him, amazed all over again that she had him back. “Yes, it was. What about the practice?”

“Southie’s got a law degree. It’s time he used it. We can cut our client list. Beyond that, I don’t care. I’m done living for the firm.”

“God, I love you,” Andie said, stretching up for his kiss, and then she heard Dennis cough out in the reception hall and say, It would be good if I had something to read.

“Dennis is out there,” Andie said to North as he leaned down to kiss her.

“Right. Dennis is on the couch,” North said, clearly not buying that Dennis was on the couch. Being possessed hadn’t done a thing for him.

“You don’t have to believe it, just accept it.”

“I accept it,” North said, letting go of her. “Look, I have to go through this stuff to get caught up on what I’ve missed. Are you going to take it personally if I do that now?”

“Nope,” Andie said. “Lydia left bananas for me, so I am going to go make banana bread in my kitchen. I missed that kitchen.”

“So if I meet you upstairs in an hour, I get hot banana bread and sex?”

“The bread definitely,” Andie said. “The sex, I don’t know. I might not be in the mood. You know me.” If you’re there, I’m in the mood.

“I know you,” North said and kissed her, and she cuddled close and thought, It really is okay. It really is, and kissed him back.

I’m right here, Dennis said. At least give me something to read and close the door.

“Dennis needs some attention,” she told North and went out into the reception room. “Books would be useless, Dennis, you can’t turn pages.”

Maybe a computer screen.

“You can’t scroll.”

Fine, I’ll just sit here in the dark.

“Don’t be passive aggressive, Dennis, it’s unattractive. I will work something out for you, I swear. For tonight, just… explore your options. Maybe you have hidden talents.”

Unlikely.

“Good night, Dennis,” Andie said, and looked back through the office door.

North said, “One hour. You upstairs, naked with banana bread.”

“You’re on,” Andie said, and went down the hall to the kitchen she’d left ten years before.

Everything was going to be different this time. Except her banana bread.

The kitchen was just as she’d remembered it, and Lydia’s bananas were exactly the right amount of brown. She got out her mixing bowl and reached for the radio, a good station this time, she thought, since they were back in Columbus-

The cold knifed through her, and she gasped, and May was everywhere, flowing through her veins, staring out from behind her eyes, filling her, blotting her out.

Stop! Andie said, but no words came out because May had taken her tongue.

May stretched Andie’s body to feel it move. “God, this is good.”

Get out, get out, get out NOW! She gave a frantic shake for air and light, but May smothered her, held her.

“Oh, please. I gave you every chance. I told you I wouldn’t quit, and you really thought I’d just give up?”

Andie pushed back frantically, trying to push May out, and May laughed as she expanded her hold, and Andie’s world went black and white, full of icy cold filling her like the taste of poison.

“You really think you evicted me that night at the house with North? I quit because you threw up, you idiot. You have no idea what I can do. You think Crumb put the salvia in your tea? Half the time you were talking to her, it wasn’t her at all, it was me!”

NO, Andie screamed, but she was blocked everywhere she turned, her own thoughts drowning in May’s-

“Andie?” Alice said, and May turned around to see the little girl in her nightgown.

Run, Andie thought, but Alice couldn’t hear her.

“I want to make banana bread, too,” Alice said, pulling a chair over to the counter.

“We can’t, honey,” May said brightly. “See? The bananas are all brown.”

Alice froze climbing onto the chair.

“We’ll get new yellow ones tomorrow,” May went on, but Alice was backing away. “What’s wrong?”

Run, Andie screamed at her.

“Nothing,” Alice said. “I’m just very tired. We’ll make banana bread tomorrow.”

She walked out of the kitchen calmly, and then Andie heard her on the stairs. Running.

“I blew that one,” May said. “What’d I do wrong?”

Get out of my body! Andie screamed at her.

“You have two choices here,” May said. “You can share this body with me, or you can fight me and I’ll smother you and take it all for myself. Which, frankly, is what I’d like. I know it’s mean, but a girl has to live.”

Stay away from Alice! Stay away from my kids!

“Hey, they were my kids first. I love those kids. I’ll take good care of them. And I’ll be better to North than you ever were. I’ll like the things he wants to give me, I’ll like being his wife.”

NO, this is MY LIFE, Andie raged, but she could feel the sound echo as her body felt farther away, and her view of the world became scratchier, like a battered old black-and-white film.

“You weren’t even using it. Don’t be a dog in the manger.” May smiled at her reflection in the dark window over the kitchen sink. “It’ll be all right. In a little while, you won’t even know. I held on to Crumb too long once and she almost stroked out. I think the part that’s you will just… fade away. You said you’d rather die than be a shadow.”

You’re not going to do this, I’ll stop you-

“You can’t. This is one thing you can’t fix. So just go toward the light, honey. I have it on very good authority that there’s something wonderful over there.”

“Who are you talking to?” North said from the doorway.

May whirled around. “Nobody! Just myself. You know what a flake I am!”

“I never thought of you as a flake.”

He came into the kitchen and May went to him and put her arms-My arms, Andie thought-around him.

Andie thought, He’ll know, but she knew he wouldn’t, there was no way he could know, he didn’t believe in ghosts, and May had been studying her for a month, watching the two of them together for four days, and she was smart. May wouldn’t make mistakes.

“Boy, are you cold,” North said and rubbed her arms.

“Make me warm then,” May said and kissed him, pressing her-MY!-body against him.

North kissed her back, the deep, longing kiss that always made Andie’s knees weak, and she could feel May respond, feel her own body respond, but it wasn’t her. NO, it’s not me, it’s not me, STOP!, but when he pulled back, he looked deep into her eyes, and she thought, He can’t see me. He couldn’t see me when it was me, he’ll never see me now.

North pushed against her with his hips, trapping her against the counter, his body hard on hers, and Andie thought, She’s winning, she was drowning in black and white, the cold immobilizing her, as if she were trapped in May’s cold, dead body…

“Tell me what you remember,” he said to her.

“What?” May said, and he kissed her again, and she smiled.

“Tell me what you remember about us,” he said, “tell me what you’ve missed.”

You don’t remember anything, Andie taunted her. You don’t know him. You don’t know us.

“I missed this,” May said, grinding her hips against his. “I missed you, lover.”

“Tell me something we did that you want to do again, something just for us.” He smiled into her eyes.

“Uh, dancing. I love dancing with you. And… baking. And…”

You don’t know, Andie said, and grew a little warmer, not warm, but not quite so freezing cold, as May began to panic.

“I don’t care about the past, make love to me,” May whispered to North, sliding her hand down his chest. “You know you want to.”

North caught her hand. “Not even when you were alive,” he said and held her as she jerked away. “I want Andie back. Now.”

Oh, thank God!

Andie could feel May’s grip loosen more from the shock. He knows, Andie taunted her, trying to find her way back. He knows you’re not me. He doesn’t love you-May’s grip loosened more-He’ll never love you-Almost, almost-He loves me!

“North, are you crazy?” May said, fighting back. “This is me. This is Andie. I love you!”

“You don’t know a damn thing about love,” North said, colder than Andie had ever seen him.

“I could learn,” May said, pressing against him now. “You could teach me. I could love you-”

He loves me, Andie whispered inside May’s head. He loves me. It’s me he wants to kiss good night.

“You’re not my wife,” North said, gripping her harder.

“It’s her body,” May was saying desperately. “It’s all you need. I’m more fun. I have her body-”

“You’re not her,” North said, his face grim as he held her, “and I will send you to hell to get her back.”

May tried to yank away, and Andie felt the cold grow again. “Well, you can’t. There’s nothing you can do. I’m Andie-”

“You’re Aunt May,” Carter said from behind them, and North turned so that Andie could see him coming toward them, his lighter in his hand, Alice crying behind him.

“I’m sorry, Andie,” Alice said. “I’m sorry.”

Look what you’re doing to Alice! Andie said, trying to find whatever humanity was left in May.

Carter’s face was stolid. “She made us hide a piece of her hair in Alice’s Walkman before we burned the rest of it.”

Look what you’re doing to Carter!

“Shut up!” May screamed.

“I’m sorry,” Alice cried. “Andie, Andie, I’m sorry.”

You’re torturing Alice, Andie whispered to May.

“I’m Andie,” May said, desperate now. “I’m Andie.”

“You promised,” Alice sobbed. “You promised you wouldn’t do this, you promised!”

She doesn’t love you, Andie whispered. You betrayed her, you lost her love, you’ve lost everything now. Nobody loves you, you’re a monster, nobody loves you-

“No!” May said, but she was weakening, Andie could feel warmth again, and color flickered in front of her now.

North said to Carter, “What do we have to do?” and Carter held out his hand to Alice.

Alice hesitated, then put her Walkman on the table and unsnapped the blue leatherette cover.

“No,” May said, lunging for it, but North held her, and Andie took back more of herself as they struggled, surrounded by people who loved her.

They love me, she whispered. They want me. Who do you love? Nobody. Who kisses you good night? NOBODY.

“Carter.” May reached for him, but North grabbed her arm. “Carter, please, I deserve to have this. I love you.”

“So does Andie,” he said, cold as ice. “And she’s alive. Let go. Or…” He clicked his lighter and the flame spurted high.

“No!” May said.

“Do it,” North said to Carter, and Carter took the curl, and May screamed, “NO!” and slammed her elbow into North’s stomach, shoving him back, falling as she ripped the lighter from Carter’s hand. Carter caught her, held her, wrapping his arms around Andie’s body and saying, “Andie! Andie!” as May struggled to reach the curl. Andie held on to the sound of Carter’s voice, and clawed her way back into her body, fighting May now with everything she had, and then she saw Alice holding the curl, weeping, little Alice, tears streaming down her face as she looked at them, and then Carter said, “There!” nodding at the lighter, and she picked it up from the floor, and flicked it open, and the flame shot up.

“Alice, no!” May howled, like the cry of a creature hurled over an abyss, and then Alice put the curl into the flame and held it while it seared her fingers, staring at Andie, and Andie felt the flame everywhere, blue and red, and then she was back in her body, clinging to Carter as the world swung around, and she screamed at May, “Go toward the light, damn it!” and May cried out, “There is no light!”

And then May was gone, heat rushing back, color and sound, and Andie was free again.

“Andie?” Carter said, and she put her head on his shoulder, exhausted and dispossessed, and said, “It’s me,” and saw North boosting Alice up on the counter and running cold water over her burned fingers.

“Andie?” Alice said, her voice full of tears.

“You saved me,” Andie said to her, her voice shaky as she held on to Carter and fought the nausea that was swamping her. “You and Carter. You were so brave, and you saved me.”

“She’s gone,” Carter said stolidly. “Right?”

“Yes,” Andie said. “It’s over.” She took a deep breath. “And now I’m going to throw up.”

She shoved herself up off the floor and bolted for the powder room, and behind her she heard North say, “Good job, Carter,” while he cooled the burn on Alice’s fingers.

After throwing up everything she’d eaten all day and then standing under a hot shower in the attic bathroom for twenty minutes, Andie pulled herself together, toweled off, brushed her teeth, put on her pajamas, and came out to face North who was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for her in the quiet night.

“You okay?”

“I will be.” She went over and sat down beside him, and he put his arm around her.

“Well, the good news is, now I believe in ghosts.”

“You knew it wasn’t me,” she said, and felt the tears press against the back of her eyes again.

“Of course I knew,” he said, sounding insulted. “I asked the questions just to make sure, but I could see it wasn’t you from your eyes. It was obvious.”

“She looked just like me. She was me.”

He moved his arm against her neck and pulled her over to him and kissed her on the top of the head. “She wasn’t anything like you. Should we get you a doctor? Did she strain your heart?”

Andie looked up at him, tears in her eyes. “Whatever she did to my heart, you fixed it.”

“You sure?”

“I’m positive,” Andie said, and he kissed her again, solid and sure, and she thought, He knows me, and kissed him back.

“Get into bed,” he said finally. “You need rest.”

“I need you,” she told him. “But I need to see Alice and Carter first.”

“I talked to them. I told them what they did was brave and that they saved you.” He tightened his arms around her. “They really are amazing kids.”

“You have no idea,” Andie said.

“Well, I’m going to. I’ll have years with them to find out.” He stood up. “Want me to go with you?”

Andie shook her head and stood up, too. “I’ll just be a minute. Don’t wait up. Make the bed warm for me.” She tried a smile, and he bent and kissed her again, and she thought, Oh, thank God, he knows me, and then she went downstairs to the kids’ rooms.

“Carter?” she said, knocking softly on his door, and he said, “Come in.”

He was sitting on his bed, holding his bandaged hand, looking exhausted, but finally at peace.

“That was really brave,” she began, and he shook his head.

“I should have stopped it.” He sounded older, serious, and Andie got a glimpse of the adult he’d become. “I knew she wasn’t gone, but-”

“She was your aunt,” Andie said, coming to sit on the side of his bed. “She was the last family you had left.”

“She was dead,” Carter said. “And she wasn’t the last. We have you. And North.” He tried to make the last two words casual, but there was respect there.

“Yes, you do,” Andie said, vowing not to cry. “And Southie.”

“And Lydia,” Carter said, not sounding as sure, and Andie laughed and then he did, too. “No, she’s cool.”

“She’s a good person to have on your side,” Andie said. “Like you’re a good person to have on mine. I’ll never forget this, Carter.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Never. Now go to sleep. You’re starting school next week.”

“Already?” he said, appalled, and she laughed again and ruffled his hair and made him duck away.

“Sleep tight,” she said, and went to talk to Alice.

Alice’s room was empty.

Andie felt a clutch of panic and then got a grip. Alice would not run away, Alice would not leave the house, Alice would never leave Carter, Alice-

She heard voices from below and went to the head of the stairs. There was light in the hallway, as if from another room, and she went down to the ground floor and into the law office’s reception room.

She’s in the office, Dennis said.

“Did she tell you-”

About May? Yes. Sorry, I never saw her. I was in the van with North and Carter. She must have been in the car with you. And then she didn’t come in here-

“She wasn’t stupid. What’s Alice doing?”

Talking to Merry.

“Who the hell is Merry?”

I don’t know. They’re in the office. I’m stuck to the couch, remember?

“Right.” Andie went to the door of North’s office, trying not to panic. She was really too damn tired to panic.

Alice was sitting in the chair across from North’s desk, talking to North’s desk chair. “I’m not going to remember all of that,” she said. “I’m eight.”

“Remember what?” Andie said, and Alice turned around and smiled, all her tension gone, and Andie thought, She’s all right, she smiled.

“Merry has a lot of stuff he wants me to tell Bad.”

“Merry who?” Andie said, keeping a wary eye on the empty desk chair. “Nobody named Merry…”

Something moved in the desk chair and she saw, in flickers, the patterned waistcoat, the cigar, and heard a fat under-the-breath laugh that she hadn’t heard in over ten years. “Uncle Merrill?”

Alice looked across the desk and then back at Andie. “He says you’re looking good, Andie.”

Andie looked at the desk chair, trying to organize the shifting shadows there. “You’ve been there for ten years?”

Alice listened and nodded. “He has a lot of stuff he wants to say.”

“Yeah, well, North has a few things he’d like to say to you, too. And also, I know about Southie. What the hell were you thinking?”

Alice listened and then said, “He says not to be such a prune. Why are you a prune?”

“Prude,” Andie said. “Merrill, you should meet Dennis, he’s out in Reception. I doubt if you’ll bond, he’s a good guy, but later on, I’ll kill a deck of cards and you can play gin. Don’t cheat. For now, Alice goes to bed.”

Alice got up. “It was very nice meeting you, Merry,” she said, and then walked over and took Andie’s hand. “I’m very sorry,” she said, looking up at Andie, but she seemed confident now that she was loved.

“You did the right thing,” Andie said, knowing she meant May. “And it’s okay now. From now on everything’s going to be…” She looked back at North’s desk chair that was swiveling gently, and then in the other direction, into Reception at Dennis’s couch. “… normal.”

“That’s good,” Alice said and went up the stairs with her, and when Andie tucked her into bed, she said, “I like this room. Can I draw on the walls?”

“You’ll have to negotiate that with Lydia.”

“Oh, hell,” Alice said and scooted under the covers with Rose Bunny.

Two minutes later, Andie crawled into North’s warm bed and sighed in relief.

North slid his arm under her shoulders and pulled her closer. “Everything okay?”

“Everything is perfect,” she said, cuddling against him. “Well, almost. Your uncle Merrill has been haunting your office for ten years.”

“Joke?”

“No, for real. I can’t see him, but Alice can. He has a lot to tell you, Alice says.”

“Yeah, well, I have a lot to tell that old bastard, too,” North said. “I suppose this means he’s been watching everything I’ve done since he died.”

“Including all the sex we had on that desk. Knowing Merrill, he’ll probably be critiquing your style and my thighs.”

“There is nothing wrong with my style,” North said, running his hand down her side. When he reached her hip, he said, “And there’s definitely nothing wrong with your thighs.”

She laughed and he kissed her, and she thought, Thank God I found my way back to him, and then he held her tighter, and she said, “North?”

“I didn’t have a damn clue how to save you,” he said. “If the kids hadn’t been here, she could have-”

“We’d have found a way,” Andie said. “She wasn’t just up against us, she was up against Fate. We’re supposed to be together. Will you marry me again?”

His hand tightened on her hip, and when she went up on one elbow to meet his eyes without blinking, saying, “I’m sure, I really am,” he said, “Yes.”

“Good,” Andie said, snuggling down into the covers he’d made warm for her. “We should have the wedding here. Small ceremony, just family. That way Merrill and Dennis can come, too.”

“Wonderful,” North said, and turned out the light.

“You going to sleep?” Andie said, putting her hand on his chest.

“You had a rough night,” he said and kissed her on the forehead.

“Not that rough,” Andie said, and pulled his mouth down to hers, kissing him hard.

“Now we’re back to normal,” North said, and Andie wrapped herself around him and thought, Now I’m home, and made love with her husband in the attic, while her family slept below.

It was close to midnight, the clock ticking loudly in the dark kitchen, the game of solitaire on the big table lit only by one steadily burning candle, when Mrs. Crumb lifted her head to listen.

“You’re back, are you?” She gathered up the cards and began to shuffle them.

How the hell did I get back here?

Mrs. Crumb stopped shuffling long enough to hold up the old church envelope that had been on the bulletin board by the phone. “I cut an extra lock of hair from your head that night you fell through the railing. You died bad. I thought I might need it if you walked.”

Jesus Christ-

“You know I don’t like that kind of language.”

Fuck you. You don’t even belong here. They threw you out.

Mrs. Crumb shrugged. “They’re never coming back. They’ll never see this place again. I got my social security to live on.”

So now I’m trapped with you? Goddammit!

Mrs. Crumb pushed the envelope toward the other side of the table. “You don’t like it, take me and make me burn it.”

The silence stretched out.

“That’s what I thought. From now on, you just remember, any time I want to, I can snuff you out like a candle.”

After a moment, the candle on the table flickered as if somebody had passed behind it.

Mrs. Crumb nodded. “That’s what I thought.” She leaned back and got the card rack from the drawer behind her and put it in front of the chair across from her.

“It’s my deal,” she said, and began to pass out the cards.