My Not So Perfect Life

I’m not quite up to rejoining the merry singsong round the campfire. So I wander along to the kitchen, thinking I’ll have some tea—to find Demeter sitting at the table, dressed in dry clothes with a towel turban round her head.

“Oh.” I stop dead. “Hi.”

“I just bumped into Biddy,” says Demeter. “She told me I might find you here. Katie, I need to apologize. I didn’t mean to betray your confidence.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine.” I shrug awkwardly. “I was planning to tell my dad, anyway. It just forced my hand a bit.”

“Even so. I shouldn’t have, and I’m truly sorry.” Demeter fiddles with her sleeve for a few seconds, her face drawn. “I gather I owe you thanks too,” she adds, darting me a glance. “I hear you were very helpful with Coco. Hal told me.”

“Right.” I nod. I can understand that. Poor Hal seemed a bit freaked out by the whole thing. He probably saw his mum and couldn’t help blabbing the whole story.

“And I don’t know what you said to them, Katie, but Hal had put a bouquet of flowers on my bed. He’d gathered them from the garden, so I’ll have to apologize to Biddy,” she adds with a short laugh. “And Coco was—” She breaks off, her eyes wide. “I’ve never heard Coco so conciliatory. So mature.”

“Well, I guess she’s started looking at the world from your point of view a bit more. Demeter…” I hesitate. How on earth do I put this? “I think you could be a bit tougher on your kids,” I say at last. “I think they take you for granted.”

There’s a long pause. Demeter is still twiddling at her sleeve. She’s going to wear it away to a shred if she doesn’t stop.

“I know.” She breathes out. “But it’s not easy. I barely ever see them. I feel so guilty. So when they ask for things I just want to please them.”

“You’re a totally different person with your kids from how you are at the office.” I try to impress this on her. “Totally different. And not in a good way.”

“I know.” She looks a bit bleak. “But when we have such a short time together, the last thing I want is to cause a row….”

“It can’t be easy,” I say. “With your husband away and everything…I overheard your conversation in the barn,” I add bluntly. “Sorry.”

“No. Don’t worry. We weren’t exactly discreet.” Demeter exhales strongly. “That situation is definitely a work-in-progress.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again. “I mean…I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.”

“It’s fine.” She leans back in her chair, her eyes closed as though she’s tired, and I see the fine lines round her eyes. “No, it’s not fine, it’s difficult. Getting the balance between two careers and children…” She exhales, sitting back up again. “James has been trying desperately not to want this big job, because of the pressure it would place on me. Meanwhile, I’ve been so preoccupied by work, I haven’t even noticed. But we’ll get there. Maybe rethink everything—” She cuts herself off. “Anyway. What am I saying? It won’t be a problem anymore, will it? From now on I’ll be around at home all the time.” She gives me a bleak smile. “One advantage of losing my job.”

“What?” I say in horror. “Don’t say that. It’s not going to happen.”

“Oh, Katie, you’re very sweet, but I can’t dodge the bullet anymore. Alex and I have agreed to leave the subject for this evening, but tomorrow…” She shrugs. “He wants a meeting at ten A.M. to go over some of the official stuff. The package, waivers…that kind of thing. There’s a process when someone leaves a job,” she adds wryly. “As you know.”

“So you have another chance!” I say eagerly. “He can un-fire you. No one heard him tonight, there weren’t any official witnesses, nothing’s been signed…I mean, have you actually legally been fired?”

“It’s irrelevant.” Demeter shakes her head. “I will be.”

“Only if you accept it. Only if you don’t fight your corner. Didn’t you look at the other emails in the bag?”

“Yes. But they’re mostly very old. I hadn’t realized. So.” She lets her hands drop. “I have nothing.”

“Listen, Demeter.” I flip on the electric kettle, feeling my energy return. “I reckon Sarah’s been seriously messing with you. Not just your emails, but your calendar…your messages…everything. She’s been trying to make you doubt yourself.”

I’m remembering Sarah saying in that calm way, “It was Tuesday, Demeter. Always Tuesday.” And Demeter staring back with that panicky, swivelly-eyed look.

“I’ve wondered about that myself,” Demeter says after a long pause. “It all makes sense. I didn’t realize because it was so gradual. It was just a few tiny slips at first. Emails going astray…documents deleted…calendar mix-ups…I would think I’d given Sarah an instruction and she would insist, point-blank, to my face, that I hadn’t. But then the errors got bigger. Worse. Mortifying.” Anguish flickers over her face. “I didn’t dare draw attention to my blunders. I really thought I had…something. I googled dementia every week.”

“That’s wicked!” I say furiously. “She needs to lose her job!”

“But who would believe it?” Demeter sounds desperate. “I barely believe it myself. I mean, I know I’m genuinely absentminded, especially when I’m stressed. I forget to send emails, I forget to tell James things….And the way I treated you, Katie…” She puts her hands to her cheeks. “Again, I’m so sorry. I was so pressured that day. I felt as though the whole world was going mad, including me.”

“It’s fine,” I say, really meaning it.

“I looked back in my diary for that day, you know,” Demeter adds, a little bleakly. “Sarah had put a check mark against Talk to Cat, as if I’d done it. And I doubted myself so much, I thought…I honestly thought…” She looks suddenly agonized again. “How could I have doubted myself so much?”

“But don’t you see?” I say fervently. “That’s what she played on. You’re naturally scatty and you’re insecure about it, and she knew it. She’s evil and we need to catch her.”

“There’s no proof.” Demeter shakes her head. “A lot of it would be her word against mine. And I’m sure she’s been very clever and covered her tracks.”

“No one’s that clever,” I retort at once. “We could get a computer forensics person—”

“You think anyone’s going to allow a computer forensics person in the building?” Demeter gives a stark laugh. “You saw Alex’s reaction, and he’s supposed to be on my side. Everyone else at Cooper Clemmow will want me gone with minimal fuss. I’m just a middle-aged, embarrassing problem. They’ll give me a nice package….” She trails off.

She sounds so defeated. This isn’t Demeter. This crushed, acquiescent woman can’t be Demeter. I won’t let it be.

“Demeter, you need to fight! When they expect you to give up, that’s when you should put your foot down and double your speed.”

“That sounds familiar.” Demeter frowns faintly. “Is that a quote?”

“It’s from Grasp the Nettle,” I admit, a bit sheepishly. “I bought a copy after all. Discounted.”

“Oh!” Demeter’s face lights up. “It’s good, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is. Especially the chapter on Don’t let your bitch assistant win, because you’re not just letting her win, you’re letting the axis of evil win.”

Demeter gives a little laugh, but I don’t smile back. I’m deadly serious.

“If you won’t fight this battle, then I will. Whatever it takes.” I come over to the table, trying to imbue her with some spirit. “But you can’t let them sling you out with the rubbish. You’re the boss, Demeter.”

“Thank you.” Demeter puts out a hand and squeezes mine. “I appreciate that.”

“Have you told your husband?” I say, as the thought suddenly occurs to me.

“I’ve filled him in.” Demeter sighs. “But he can’t really comprehend it. His first reaction was, ‘We’ll sue them.’ That’s very James.” A little smile comes to her lips. “But there’s not a lot he can do to help in Brussels, to be honest.”

“OK.” I nod. “So, here’s what we do. We plan all night and have a meeting tomorrow morning, early.”

Demeter shakes her head disbelievingly. “You really think we can win round Alex?”

“We have to win him round.” I force myself to let a pause elapse before I add, as casually as I can, “Do you know where he is?”

“Right now, you mean? Don’t know.” Demeter scrutinizes me. “I’ve been wondering something. Are you two…”

“No.” I feel the color rush to my cheeks. “I mean, we…we…” I clear my throat and get up to make my cup of tea.

“Oh God,” says Demeter, watching me. “You are. I thought so. Oh Christ. You’re not smitten, are you?”

“No!” My voice leaps up like a fish. “Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous—”

“Katie, listen. Don’t get smitten.” She sounds almost urgent. “Protect yourself. Don’t let him into your heart.”

“Why not?” I try to ask as nonchalantly as possible.

“Because you’ll get hurt. Alex is—” Demeter breaks off, wrinkling her brow. “He’s adorable. But he’s incapable of commitment. What he loves is novelty. New cities, new ideas, boom-boom-boom. Right now you’re the latest novelty, but before long…”

I remember Alex on the office roof, darting about, enthusing about virtual experiences as if they were the real thing. Then I thrust that thought from my mind. Because it’s irrelevant.

“Look, Demeter, it’s fine,” I say, as robustly as I can. “It isn’t serious. I don’t expect it to go anywhere, it’s just a bit of…you know. Fun.”

“Well, as long as that’s all it is.” Demeter eyes me doubtfully. “But I’ve known a lot of his girlfriends and I’ve seen a lot of broken hearts. You know his nickname? It’s ‘One-Way Alex.’ Because once he’s off, he doesn’t come back. He’s like a one-way ticket round the world; never touches the same ground twice. I’ve seen bright, intelligent girls, waiting and hoping…” She shakes her head. “They know deep down he’ll never come back.”

“So why do they hope?” I can’t help asking.

“Because it’s human nature to hope for impossible things.” She eyes me shrewdly. “You’re in marketing. You know that.”

“Well, don’t worry.” I tear my gaze away from hers. “I have no expectations or hopes or anything. Like I say, it’s just a bit of fun. Fun.”

“OK.” She nods once, then looks at her watch. “I’d better get back to Hal and Coco. See you in the morning. Thanks, Katie.” She stands up, then comes over and kisses me on the cheek. As she does, there’s a knock on the kitchen door.

“Hi,” says Alex, coming in. “Oh, hi, Demeter.”

“Hello, Alex.” She shoots him a mistrustful look. “What do you want?”

“Came to see Katie.”

His eyes meet mine and the intent in them is so visceral, I catch my breath. I have an immediate flashback to the meadow. For a moment I can’t quite speak for lust.

“Hi,” I manage.

“Are you OK?”

“Fine.”

My whole body is quivering, wanting a whole, delicious, uninterrupted night with this man who turns me to jelly. I want his touch. But I want his voice too. His thoughts and his jokes…his worries and sadnesses…his theories and wonderings. All the secret parts of him that I never guessed existed.

“Well, I’ll let you get on with it,” says Demeter, standing up. “Whatever you’re up to.” And she shoots such a reproving glance at Alex, I almost want to giggle.

“Demeter, it’s fine,” I say as she reaches the door. “Really. What you said just now…” I gesture surreptitiously at my heart. “I won’t.”

But Demeter shakes her head wryly. “You think you won’t.”