Never Trust A Lady

Chapter 10

“What nice guys,” Jane said as she paused to wave at the moving van lumbering off in the direction of the harbor.

Tom, who was holding the door for her, merely grunted. She cast him one quick glance as she slipped past him into the warmth and bustle of the restaurant, but he was avoiding her eyes.

She sighed inwardly and wondered, as she often did, why things always had to be so difficult between men and women, and why, in her case, at least, she always had to be the one to smooth things out, make things work. I’m just as tired and hungry as he is, she thought resentfully. And I didn’t exactly ask to be mixed up in all this.

She thought it was reasonable enough that Tom had been moody and preoccupied since they’d left the ferry terminal. Jane had emerged from the ladies’ rest room to find him hunched over the pay phone, his face looking like a thundercloud. She’d figured he was probably checking in with his superiors, or headquarters, or whoever it was he answered to, filling them in on the latest developments in the case of the missing…whatever it was. Which couldn’t have been very pleasant for him. In any case, she’d given him a wide berth.

And when he’d finally joined her, she’d tried hard to be cheerful and positive, making light of their situation. laughing about the moments following their discovery in the back of the moving van, barefoot and blinking, breathing hard and clinging to each other like orphaned babes in the woods. And it had been funny, watching the poor man-whose name, they learned, was Isaac-as Tom offered his Interpol ID and an explanation of sorts, watching his expression transform from hostile suspicion to disbelief, then to a sort of good-natured uneasiness. “As if,” she’d said to Tom, “any minute he expected Allen Funt to pop out from behind all those boxes and shout, ‘Smite-you’re on ”Candid Camera“!’”

As for what had happened between them in those minutes just before Isaac had rolled back the door of the van…well, Jane wasn’t any more eager to talk about that than Tom was. At least not then. Not now. She was still too shaken; she knew she’d experienced some sort of trauma-to her body and soul, her emotions, her heart-but it was too soon to tell what the consequences were going to be. For now, she just wanted to guard and protect the wounded parts of herself as best she could.

Meanwhile, she was good, had always been good, at pretending things were normal when they were anything but, at smiling and making friendly conversation and going on as if nothing had happened.

But it had happened. Oh, it had. And she was becoming weary of carrying on the charade all alone.

The restaurant they’d chosen, of the many that lined the only highway on the island, was called Teach’s Pub, a reference, Tom told her, to the notorious pirate Blackbeard, who’d supposedly been killed somewhere near here. A casual, friendly and well-lit place, it was busy on a Saturday night even in the off-season, with people calling out to each other and a basketball game going on a big-screen TV. The smells of good things cooking made Jane feel a little faint.

“Okay?” Tom asked her as they were settled at a table, with menus spread in front of them and a promise of coffee to come.

Already hungrily poring over the menu, Jane wasn’t sure whether he was asking after her own well-being, or for her approval of the table. She looked up, smiling vaguely, and nodded-and found that he was meeting her eyes for the first time since they’d left the back of the moving van. Her heart shuddered and began to pound.

Okay? No, she wanted to say, of course I’m not okay. You idiot. You jerk. You dropped a hand grenade into my life, and I will never be the same.

“I wonder if they have she-crab soup here,” she murmured, diving back into the menu.

They didn’t, of course, so she ordered clam chowder instead.

“Is that all?” Tom asked her while the waitress hovered. “I promised you a seafood dinner.”

“You bet me a seafood dinner,” Jane said with a small smile. “And I was smart enough not to take you up on it. If I had, I guess I’d owe you one, wouldn’t I? Anyway,” she added, with a wider smile for the waitress as she handed back the menu, “I only have room for so much, no matter how empty I am to start with.”

Tom ordered a medium-rare steak and French fries. “I’m not big on seafood,” he explained in response to Jane’s raised eyebrows. “Never have been,”

“Funny,” she said thoughtfully as she watched the waitress walk away with the menus tucked under her arm, “that you live on a boat.”

“I wasn’t after the fishing.” She looked at him, drawn by the growl in his voice, and found that he was staring fiercely out the window now, at the jumble of umbrella tables on the deserted deck. “I was looking for a particular life-style, is all. Simple. Uncomplicated. Uncluttered.”

“Solitary,” murmured Jane.

His eyes flicked at her. He shifted uncomfortably as he reached for his cigarettes, looking around for No Smoking signs. Jane slid the table’s ashtray over to his side, saying nothing. After he’d lit his cigarette and smoked in silence for a few minutes, he transferred that passionate glare to her and said in a cracking voice that might have been blamed on the smoke, “My wife had died.”

Having already guessed as much, she only nodded and said softly, “You wanted to get away from the memories.”

He didn’t reply. The waitress bustled by, dropping a basket of rolls on their table in passing. Jane took one and buttered it, bit into it with a sigh. Tom smoked on in silence. Intensely aware of him, Jane chewed and swallowed, discovering only then that her throat already had a lump in it. Damn him, she thought, furious. Damn him.

She looked away, her eyes pricking with the tears she couldn’t allow herself to shed. She wondered if he’d done it deliberately, picking a time and place for such revelations when emotions could not be allowed to run rampant.

Almost as if he’d heard her thoughts, he broke that charged silence with a cough and said, “About what happened-” Jane made a reflexive motion of protest, which he overrode by increasing the intensity, not the volume, of his voice “-between us, back there…”

“It’s okay,” said Jane faintly. “I understand.” Is it better, she bleakly wondered, or worse, talking about it like this, in a crowded, well-lit place? If we were somewhere in private, would I fall apart? Make a fool of myself? Again?

Blessedly, the waitress arrived with coffee just then. Jane doctored hers with artificial sweetener and creamer and made a neat pile of the trash, conscious all the while of Tom’s brooding presence across the table, and of his expression, black as the brew steaming unheeded before him. She wondered how she would swallow past the lump that was still wedged in her throat, and whether her hand would shake when she lifted her mug.

“I don’t-” he said, just as she began, “I know-” And it was she who paused and said politely, “Go ahead.”

He looked at her for a moment, and she thought she’d never seen eyes so intense. Then he smiled unexpectedly, his mouth slipping awry in that poignant and so familiar way of his, and he shrugged and said, “That’s just it-I don’t know what to say.”

Jane laughed. Unevenly. I don’t dare pick up my coffee, she thought. My hands will shake and I will spill it for sure. Lightly, she said, “It’s okay, really. I know what you were trying to do. And congratulations-it worked very well. I didn’t get seasick”

He shifted in his chair. “Well, I think there was more to it than that.”

She couldn’t for the life of her think what to reply. It would have been easier, she thought, if he’d just shrugged off what had happened between them in the van, made nothing of it. Pretended it hadn’t mattered. And then, perhaps, she could have done the same.

Heat engulfed her, setting her cheeks on fire. Don’t do this, she pleaded silently. Don’t do this to me.

“I think I got a little carried away,” he said, lopsidedly smiling.

“1 think we both did.” Jane lifted her mug and, supporting it with both hands, lowered her mouth to the rim. She closed her eyes as fragrant steam misted her hot cheeks and sweet warmth filled her insides, and thought that from now on, as long as she lived, she would always remember this particular cup of coffee. Just as she remembered the piece of cherry pie that had been sitting before her when she’d uttered the words, “David, I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

She lowered her cup and smiled brilliantly at the man across the table. “No big deal. Completely understandable, under the circumstances. I consider my honor unsullied, and I promise not to cringe and blush every time I look at you.” At least, I hope I won’t. Oh, God, I hope.

“I sure wouldn’t want that.” And studying her, he added with unexpected and devastating softness, “I’d really miss your smile.”

“Here you go,” the waitress trilled, blowing in like a nor’easter, dispersing the sultry, weighted atmosphere that had settled over them with gusts of good cheer and wonderful fragrances. And as she briskly deposited plates and bowls in their proper places and left them with instructions to “Enjoy your meal!,” Jane thought what a relief it was, for a time, to have to deal only with a hunger so uncomplicated, and so easily assuaged.

After the waitress left, for a while they did just that, other needs put aside while they attended with silent concentration to one perhaps even more fundamental. Perhaps. Because, with an empty bowl and a full stomach, Jane found her thoughts returning to-if indeed they’d ever really left-that other hunger, the one so rudely, so voraciously awakened by the gentle press of this stranger’s mouth on hers. By the weight and warmth of his body, the electrifying caress of his fingers. The hunger that, once awakened, stubbornly refused to creep back into hibernation.

Tom Hawkins… Always a fast eater, having disposed of her bowl of chowder while her companion was barely beginning his assault on his steak, she watched him narrowly through the steam from her refilled coffee cup and thought how strange it was that features so forbidding and irregular should have become, in so short a time, so pleasing to her eyes.

Man From Interpol… How alien that sounded, without reality, like the title of a book, or a movie. And how impossible now to think of him that way. Now he was just…a man, a flesh-and-blood man, in need of a shave, a shower and a good night’s sleep, a man who had covered her with his jacket and watched over her while she slept, a man whose hands had touched her in intimate places, a man whose tongue she’d tasted.

A man who played games in which the stakes were human lives.

How could this have happened? she thought. To me.

“I think,” said Hawk, pushing aside his plate and reaching for his coffee, “we’d better talk about what we’re going to do.” He felt much better for having a decent meal under his belt, much less off balance, much more in control. A good night’s sleep, he thought with dogged optimism, and I’ll be back on track again.

Jane was nodding, regarding him steadily, as she had been for a while now, across the rim of her coffee mug. She’d been hiding behind that damn mug, it seemed to him, ever since they’d sat down. Which was probably just as well. Her eyes were bad enough, dark and disturbing as the sea just before a storm, but vulnerable, too, and smudged with shadows. He wasn’t sure that in his own exhausted state he would have been able to look at her mouth and have the willpower and concentration to block out the way it had felt…tasted… Or to stop himself from thinking about how much he wanted to taste her again.

He lit a cigarette, then said, “I still don’t think there’s much use trying to get back to the mainland tonight. It would take us till morning to get anything accomplished anyway. Better we check into a motel here, get some rest I’ve, uh, arranged for a flight out in the morning.”

She’d been nodding, going along with him, but when he said that, she pulled up, looking surprised. “A flight? You mean, an airplane?”

“Yeah, there’s an airstrip here.”

“Air…strip. You mean, a small plane.”

He quirked a smile at her. “Little one.”

She murmured, “Oh,” and her eyes flicked sideways in a way that made him uneasy.

“Don’t tell me-you get airsick.”

Her eyes were wide, the smudges under them making her seem very young and apprehensive, like a child contemplating a Ferris wheel. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in a little plane before.”

He felt a sudden and unsettling tenderness toward her, which probably accounted for the brusqueness with which he said, “Hey-don’t worry. You’re gonna love it”

The funny thing was, he realized as he stubbed out his cigarette, reached for the check and shoved back his chair, that he knew it was true. Once she got used to the idea, she would love flying, the adventure of it, the breathtaking thrill, the excitement. And it wouldn’t make any difference to her if she did get airsick, she’d enjoy it anyway, just because the experience was new. And how was it he knew so much about her, when he actually knew her barely at all?

“My kids are never going to believe this,” he heard her mutter as she followed him to the cash register.

He turned to scowl at her, one hand in his pocket, groping for change. “You got kids?” Of course she had kids. The woman practically had a sign around her neck that said MOM. Just another thing he’d managed to forget while he was doing the tongue tango with her back there in the truck. One more reason why he had to forget about it, put it out of his mind.

Sure. The way he could forget the taste of a ripe peach, or a fine, sweet Tuscany wine.

“Two daughters,” she said, hitching her tote bag onto her shoulder. “Lynn’s in college and Tracy’s a senior in high school. What about you?”

He didn’t reply, pretending his business with the cashier was occupying so much of his attention that he hadn’t heard the question. Because another thing he’d come to understand about her in the brief time he’d known her was that she was too polite-or maybe too sensitive-to ask again.

He turned from the register with a frown to inquire as he tucked away his wallet, “You need to call? Let somebody know where you are?” Like your husband, he thought, and put the leaden feeling in his chest down to tiredness.

The question had been meant to distract, and it did, even though he had a feeling she knew perfectly well what he’d done. She made a wry little grimace. “I tried, from the terminal.” Then, with a smile and a shrug, “It is Saturday night. I got the answering machine. I left a message-just told them I’d call tomorrow. Even if they had tried to reach me at the hotel, I don’t think they’d worry. They’d just assume I was out seeing the sights in Washington, or maybe having dinner, or something.”

As he held the door for her, he played back what she’d said, frustrated to realize he still didn’t know whether or not she had a husband, angry with himself for wanting to know. And damned if he was going to ask her.

“We’ll call the hotel,” he said, “as soon as we get settled in here. Take care of checking out. You’re probably going to want to have your things sent.” He reached for her tote bag, shrugged it onto his own shoulder. He did it unthinkingly, an automatic response to something he’d all but forgotten, like hearing a song he hadn’t thought of for years and discovering he still knew the words. “I can have somebody from headquarters take care of it for you, if you like.”

Again he felt her eyes flick at him, quickly and then away. “Thank you. I’ll try the hotel first. If there’s any problem…” She let her words trail off into nothing.

They were walking unhurried in the cold March night, the breeze damp and sea-smelly, the sandy pavement gritty underfoot. Jane suddenly shook herself and wrapped her arms across her body as if she was cold, but when she spoke it was in a soft, ecstatic voice, full of wonder and a fierce kind of joy. “How quiet it is here, have you noticed? No man-made sounds at all, only nature. And look how bright the stars are. It reminds me of when I was a child. the mountains…the desert… I wish-”

She would have left it there, but for some reason, not knowing why he did, he prompted her, “You wish…?”

She shrugged and laughed her low, self-deprecating signature laugh. “Oh, just that I guess I wish I’d known then how lovely it was-the desert, I mean. I hated it-fealty. I wanted to go…somewhere else. Anywhere else. And everywhere else. I wanted to see the whole world…backpack all over Europe, see London, Paris, Rome, Madrid. And I was so afraid I was never going to get to see any of it, except for that damn desert.”

“Well, there you go,” said Hawk gruffly. “See how wrong you were?”

“Yes…” But he thought she sounded sad. After a moment, in a different, lighter tone, she said, “This was one of the places I dreamed of going, do you know that? The outer islands…I’d read about the wild ponies, you see. And the Atlantic Ocean…wow, it seemed as far away as Mars.”

Restless and reaching for his cigarettes, he said dryly, “It’s okay now, I guess. Not so nice in the summertime. Sure as hell not quiet.”

He could feel her eyes touch him with that brightening look of hers. “Oh-have you been here before? Really?”

Kicking himself, he drew hard on his cigarette and exhaled with the answer. “Yeah, I’ve been here.”

He was here with his wife. As soon as the thought touched her mind, she knew it was true, just as she knew his wife must also be the childhood friend whose name he refused to speak. The friend and wife whose death had cast him into a lonely exile of grief from which he couldn’t seem to find his way back. How did she know? She just did. She knew.

Compassion filled her, spreading like Novocain through her heart so that she no longer felt her own pain. Softly, knowing what a risky thing it was, she asked, “Was it your honeymoon?”

He threw her a startled look, drew one last time on his cigarette and tossed it to the ground, extinguishing it with the toe of his shoe before walking on. She was surprised when he answered, and thought he was, too. “Not my honeymoon.” He laughed, a sound like the creaking of an old structure swaying in the wind. “We weren’t married, just…together.”

She held her breath, held back the questions she wanted to ask. It was a long time before he went on, almost as if she wasn’t there at all, and he was talking only to himself.

“This is where we decided to do it, finally. Decided to get married. We’d been together forever-since we were kids. We’d talked about it before, but…I guess we were both afraid of ruining a good thing.”

“What changed your mind?” Jane dared to ask, as softly as she knew how.

They were walking on a quiet street lined with picket fences, beneath the branches of enormous live oaks. She thought it was like being in some ancient, ruined cathedral, except that there was light now from some of the houses they passed, distant music, canned laughter from someone’s TV.

“Children,” said Tom, after she’d given up hope of an answer. “We decided, since we both wanted kids, we should get married first.”

“You have children?”

Unable to trust his voice, Hawk only nodded, knowing she’d misunderstand.

It had been a long time since he’d hurt this bad, not since those first terrible weeks and months, after the shock had worn off and before he’d learned other ways to numb the pain. Part of him wanted to hate the woman beside him, this woman whose gentle insistence was like a dentist’s probe on an exposed nerve. But he couldn’t. He knew he could have put an end to her probing, could have cut her down as he’d cut down so many before her, coldly, cleanly, bloodlessly as a surgeon’s scalpel. But he didn’t.

And when she fell silent for a time, he was bewildered to find that there was a part of him that was sorry.

They’d come back to the highway, the lights of the motel he’d telephoned from the ferry terminal visible up ahead of them, before she spoke again. It was late and cold; few people were still out and about She was hugging herself, and he imagined she must be shivering. So he was surprised by the softness, the easiness of her voice when she said, “You must have lovely memories of this place.”

Memories? Memories weren’t lovely, they were his enemies. But…yes, he remembered the little house they’d rented, he and Jen. They’d spent the weekend walking hand in hand on the beach, looking for shells, strolling the unpaved street under the great old oaks, looking at gravestones in the family cemeteries. They’d been like children playing house. They’d fought some and laughed some and made love in the quiet afternoons.

He reached for his cigarettes instead of answering.

“You should treasure them,” she went on, her voice sighing gently across his auditory nerves. “I always think that good memories are like beloved keepsakes. You put them away and keep them safe-but not buried so deeply you can’t get at them when you need them. They don’t cause you pain, they bring you pleasure. Sometimes a little sadness, too, when you bring them out and look at them. But you’d never want to lose them, and you wouldn’t trade them for gold or diamonds.”

He could only nod, his jaw clenched so tightly it hurt. Unable to look at the woman beside him, he plunged ahead of her, across the street and into the brightly lit motel lobby.

Jane insisted on registering separately, paying with her own credit card, though he’d offered to put it on his expense voucher. They had adjoining rooms on the second floor, his smoking, hers non. They smiled through the formalities, chatting with the desk clerk but not with each other.

They climbed the stairs together in silence, Hawk once again carrying the tote bag. He waited while she unlocked her door and turned on a light, then stuck his head in for a cursory check of the room before he handed over her bag.

She thanked him in a polite, expressionless murmur, then cleared her throat and said, “Um, what time do I need to be ready in the morning?”

“Plane should be ready to go at eight.” His voice was like a cement mixer full of rocks. “I’ll knock on your door at seven-we can go get a bite first, if you want to. Need a wake-up call?”

She shook her head and held up her bag. “I have my little travel alarm.”

Absolutely devoid of makeup, her mouth looked vulnerable as a child’s. Looking at her. Hawk felt something inside him begin to loosen, to ease and soften, like a balloon that had been filled to the danger point slowly deflating. He had a sudden urge to touch her. And then he did, even though he knew it wasn’t wise.

When he touched the side of her cheek with his fingertips, he felt her tremble. “Get some sleep,” he said softly, and letting his hand drop to his side, stepped back out of her doorway. “Good night.”

“Good night,” she whispered as he turned away. But she hadn’t closed her door yet when he suddenly turned back, his heart beating hard and fast.

“Her name was Jennifer,” he said. “My wife. She and our son, Jason, died when a terrorist’s bomb went off on a meny-go-round in Marseilles. In April. Seven years ago next month.”