Octavia

Chapter Twelve

When I woke next morning I felt overwhelmed with shame. In the past when I’d got drunk, I’d just shrugged it off as part of the Octavia Brennen image. Now I curled up at the thought of last night’s performance — barging in on those people half naked, behaving atrociously, abusing their hospitality, and then the humiliation of Gareth putting me across his knee and, worst of all, throwing up in front of him and having to be put to bed.

Oh God, I groaned in misery, as I slowly pieced the evening together, I can’t face him. Yet, at the thought of slipping off the boat unnoticed, it suddenly hit me that if I did I might never see him again. It was like a skewer jabbed into my heart.

Oh no, I whispered in horror, it can’t have happened! I couldn’t hate someone so passionately, and then find overnight that hatred had turned into something quite different — something that looked suspiciously like love.

I couldn’t love him, I couldn’t. He despised me and thought I was the biggest bitch going, and the nightmare was that, if we had been starting from scratch, I could have pulled out the stops, knocked him over with my looks, even fooled him into thinking I was gentle and sweet. I’d done it often enough before. But now it was too late. He’d seen me, unashamedly pursuing Jeremy, knew so many adverse things about me that I hadn’t a hope where he was concerned. It was funny really, the biter bit at last.

Finally I dragged myself out of bed. A shooting star was erupting in my head, waves of sickness swept over me. My face was ashen when I looked in the mirror. I was still wearing last night’s make-up, streaked with crying; my mouth felt like a parrot’s cage.

I staggered down to the horrible dank loo which reeked of asparagus pee and wondered whether to be sick again. Even cleaning my teeth was an ordeal. Somehow I got dressed, and crawled along to the kitchen. Gussie was cooking kippers of all things.

‘Hullo,’ she said. ‘You disappeared very suddenly last night. Gareth said you felt faint from the heat, so he brought you home. You’re not pregnant or anything awful?’

I smiled weakly and shook my head. That was one problem I was spared.

‘What did the rest of you get up to?’ I asked.

‘Nothing much. We stayed up very late dancing on the lawn, it was so romantic in the moonlight. Then Lorna came back and had a drink on the boat. You were fast asleep by that time. Later Gareth took her home. We didn’t hear him come in.’

I felt sweat rising on my forehead. The thought of Gareth and Lorna wandering back through the meadowsweet with that great moon pouring light on them drove me insane with jealousy. The smell of those kippers was killing me. Suddenly I saw a pair of long legs coming down the steps.

‘I’m going on deck,’ I said in a panic, and bolted back through my cabin and the saloon, out into the sunshine at the far end of the boat.

I sat down, clutching my knees and gazing at the opposite bank. A water rat came out, stared at me with beady eyes and then shot back into its hole. Lucky thing, I thought. I wish I had a hole to crawl into. The wild roses which had bloomed so beautifully yesterday were now withered by the sun and hung like tawdry party decorations that had been up too long.

I heard a step behind me and my heart started hammering. I was appalled by the savagery of my disappointment when I realized it was only Jeremy.

‘Hullo,’ he said sulkily, sitting down beside me. ‘Are you feeling better?’

‘Yes thank you.’

‘Gareth gets all the luck. Why don’t you feel faint when I’m around? I wouldn’t have minded bringing you back here on your own and putting you to bed.’

Something in his voice pulled me up sharply. ‘I felt faint,’ I snapped.

‘And I’m sure Gareth made you feel better. His restorative powers are notorious, you know.’

‘It wasn’t like that,’ I said angrily. ‘If two people absolutely don’t fancy each other, it’s Gareth and me.’

‘So you keep telling me,’ he said. ‘I’m wondering if the lady isn’t protesting a bit too much.’

‘Breakfast’s ready,’ said Gareth, appearing suddenly in the doorway.

‘I don’t want any,’ I said, blushing scarlet and wondering how much of our conversation he’d heard.

Jeremy got to his feet.

‘I’ll come back and talk to you when I’ve had mine,’ he said, following Gareth down the steps.

Two minutes later Gareth reappeared.

‘Here’s your breakfast,’ he said, dropping four Alka Seltzers into a glass of water. He waited until the white discs had completely dissolved, then handed me the glass.

‘Thank you,’ I muttered, quite unable to meet his eyes. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’

‘Skip it,’ he said. ‘Everyone makes a bloody fool of themselves from time to time.’

‘But you stopped everyone else finding out. I thought. .’

‘. . I’d go back and tell everyone you’d puked your guts out. I’m not that much of a sod.’

I looked at him for the first time. He looked very tired; there were dark rings under his eyes. I wondered what he and Lorna had been up to last night. It was as though he’d read my thought.

‘Lorna’s coming over for lunch,’ he said. ‘She’s dying to meet you again. She’s still at the age when she’s immensely impressed by beautiful women.’

Wow, that was a backhander.

‘I’ll attempt not to disappoint her,’ I said, trying to keep the resentment out of my voice.

He laughed. ‘Don’t pout, it doesn’t suit you.’

The Alka Seltzers eased my headache to a dull throb. I wished it could have as easily cured my heart.

Lorna arrived about twelve-thirty. She’d taken a great deal of trouble with her appearance and was wearing a rust coloured T-shirt which matched her hair. She looked very pretty, but somehow I thought she’d looked more attractive when she’d roared in on us unawares the day before.

‘Hullo,’ she said, sitting down on the deck beside me, ‘I’m sorry we didn’t have time to talk yesterday and that you felt horrible. Mummy always forgets to open any windows. Everyone was so disappointed you went. All the men were wild about you, and everyone who rang up to thank us this morning wanted to know who you were.’ Her voice was suddenly wistful. ‘The country hasn’t seen anything as gorgeous as you in a hundred years.’

Suddenly I found myself liking her. I realized there was no bitchy motive behind her remarks, just genuine admiration.

‘I’m afraid my dress was a bit outré for the country,’ I said. ‘I hope your parents didn’t mind?’

She shook her head violently. ‘Oh no, they thought you were wonderful. It’s typical of Gareth to turn up with someone like you. I always knew he would in the end. I’ve had a crush on him for years, you see. I’d always hoped he’d wait for me, but now he’s got you.’

‘Oh no he hasn’t,’ I said quickly. ‘There’s nothing between us at all. We’d never met before this weekend. I’m Gussie’s friend. We were at school together.’

‘You were?’ Her face brightened. ‘Then you and Gareth aren’t. .?’

‘Not at all. He just discovered I was feeling bloody and brought me home.’

‘Oh,’ she said happily. ‘That does cheer me up. I do wish I could do something romantic like fainting when he’s around, but I’m far too healthy.’

I laughed wryly. She wouldn’t have enjoyed what I’d endured last night.

‘Mind you,’ she went on confidingly, ‘he did kiss me on the way home last night. But then I expect he kisses most girls.’

The sun was making me feel sick again. I moved into the shade. She asked me endless questions about my life in London and the people I knew.

‘Do you actually know Mick Jagger?’ She couldn’t hear enough about it.

‘I’m coming to London soon. I’ve just finished a typing course, and I’ve got to look for a job.’

‘Come and stay,’ I was amazed to find myself saying. ‘My flat’s huge. You can have a bed for as long as you like.’

‘Goodness,’ she went all pink. ‘May I really? It’d be marvellous, just for a few days until I find somewhere. And I wonder, could you tell me the best place to buy clothes? I mean my mother’s super, but she’s never been much help in that way.’

A moment later, when we were joined by the others, she immediately told Gareth I’d asked her to come and stay. I expected him to discourage her, but he merely said, ‘Good idea, why not?’

Why had I done it, I wondered, as I escaped to help with lunch. Was I trying to prove that I could be nice occasionally, or was I unconsciously trying to impress Gareth by getting on with one of his friends, or was it merely that I wanted to keep some link with him, however tenuous, after tonight?

I had a great deal of difficulty forcing anything down at lunch. I couldn’t even smoke, which is a sign of approaching death with me. I was paralysed with shyness by Gareth’s presence. Every time he looked at me I jerked my eyes away. Why couldn’t I bring any of the old magic into play? Glancing sideways from under my lashes, letting my hair fall over my eyes, pulling up my skirt to show more leg, leaning forward so he could see down my shirt, which would always be buttoned a couple of inches too low. Overnight I’d suddenly become as gauche as a teenager. I didn’t even know what to do with my mouth — like the first time one wears lipstick.

To make matters worse, Jeremy was watching me like a warder. He no longer held any charm for me; he was so anxious to please, he’d lost all the lazy, take-it-or-leave-it manner that I’d found so irresistible a week ago. Immediately we’d finished eating, I leapt up to do the washing up. Anything to get away from that highly charged atmosphere.

‘Leave it,’ said Jeremy. ‘For goodness sake, Octavia, relax.’

‘What a bore we’re going back to London tonight,’ grumbled Gussie. ‘It’s been such a lovely restful weekend.’

A smile flickered across Gareth’s face.

‘You must have so much planning to do for the wedding,’ Lorna said. ‘I love weddings.’

Jeremy’s leg suddenly pressed against mine. I moved it away.

‘Your hair’s gone a fantastic colour in the sun,’ he said.

‘Is it natural, I can’t remember?’ said Gussie.

I was about to say ‘yes’ — I’d never admitted to anyone before that it was dyed — when I caught Gareth’s eye and, for some strange reason, changed my mind.

‘Well, let’s say my hairdresser helps it along a bit.’

Gussie picked up a daisy chain she’d been making. The threaded flowers were already wilting on the table. Lorna looked out of the porthole at the heat-soaked landscape. Any moment one felt the dark trees might move towards us.

‘It’s like one of those days people remember as the end of something,’ she said, ‘The last before the war, the day the king died.’

Gussie split another daisy stalk open. ‘Don’t frighten me, you make me think something frightful will happen tonight.’

A mulberry-coloured cloud had hidden the sun.

‘I think it’s going to thunder,’ said Jeremy.

Gussie put the daisy chain over his head. It was too small and rested like a coronet on his blond hair. He pushed it away irritably.

‘Oh, you’ve broken it,’ wailed Gussie.

I couldn’t stand the tension any longer. I got to my feet and stretched.

‘Where are you off to?’ said Gussie.

‘I’m going to wander up-stream.’

‘We’ll come with you,’ said Jeremy standing up.

‘No!’ I said sharply, then tried to make a joke of it. ‘I like walking by myself. I feel my Greta Garbo mood coming on.’

‘We’re going to Lorna’s parents for tea,’ said Gussie.

I didn’t join them. As I wandered through the meadows I tried to sort out what I really felt. It’s the heat and the proximity I kept telling myself. You’ve fallen for Gareth because he’s the first man to pull you up. It’s a challenge because he doesn’t fancy you — just as Jeremy was a challenge until you’d hooked him. But it was no good. Wanting Jeremy had been but a child’s caprice for a forbidden toy, nothing compared with the desperate need I felt for Gareth.

I wandered for miles and then sat down under a tree. I must have dozed off, for the shadows were lengthening when I woke up. I couldn’t face tea with the Hamiltons, teacups balanced on our knees, having post mortems about the party; so I went back to the boat. No one was about. I packed my suitcases, tidied the saloon and washed up lunch. I was behaving so well, I’d be qualifying for my girl guide badge at this rate.

Then I heard footsteps, and someone jumping on to the deck. I gave a shiver of excitement as a tall figure appeared in the doorway. But it was only Jeremy. Once more I felt that crippling kick of disappointment.

‘Why didn’t you turn up for tea? I’ve been worried about you.’

There was a predatory look in his eyes that suddenly had me scared and on my guard.

‘I fell asleep and when I woke up I realized it was late, so I came back here.’

‘And by telepathy I knew and followed you,’ he said.

‘Are the others coming?’

‘Not for ages. Gussie’s discovered a grand piano, so she’s happy strumming away. Gareth and Lorna have gone off for a walk together.’

My nails were cutting into the palms of my hands. Last night Gareth had kissed her. God knows what else he might get up to on a hot summer afternoon. I picked up some glasses.

‘Where are you going?’ asked Jeremy.

‘Putting these away.’

For a second he barred my way, then stood aside and followed me through into the saloon. Very slowly I stacked the glasses in the cupboard. When I turned round he was standing just behind me. He put his hands on my arms.

‘No,’ I said sharply.

‘No what? I haven’t done anything yet.’

‘Then let me go.’

‘The hell I will!’

His fingers tightened on my arms.

‘I want you,’ he said. ‘Ever since I first saw you, I’ve been burning up with wanting you.’

‘What about Gussie?’ I asked feebly. ‘We were going to wait till we got back to London.’

‘Oh come on now. You, of all people, don’t give a damn about Gussie, and at this moment in time, neither do I.’

He bent his head and kissed me, forcing my mouth open with his tongue.

‘No!’ I struggled, completely revolted. ‘No! No! No!’

‘Shut up,’ he said. ‘Don’t play the little hypocrite with me. We all know your reputation, darling. You wanted me, don’t pretend you didn’t, and now you’re going to get me, hot and strong.’

Desperately, I tried to pull away from him.

‘Let me go!’ I screamed.

But he only laughed and forced me back on to one of the bench seats, shutting my protesting mouth with his, tearing at the buttons of my shirt.

Suddenly a door opened. ‘Knock it off you two,’ said a voice of ice.

Jeremy sprang away from me. ‘What the fuck. .’

‘For God’s sake pull yourself together. Gussie’s just coming,’ said Gareth.

But it was too late, Gussie came bouncing into the saloon.

‘Darling love, I missed you. Hullo Tavy, did you get lost?’

Then, with agonizing slowness, she took in the situation, looking at my rumpled hair and torn shirt, the buttons of which I was frenziedly trying to do up, the smeared lipstick on Jeremy’s face, the chair knocked over, the papers strewn all over the floor.

There was a ghastly pause.

‘Octavia,’ she whispered in horror. ‘You of all people, how could you? You swore you weren’t interested in Jeremy. I thought you were a friend of mine. And as for you!’ She turned to Jeremy, ‘Don’t you think I want to marry you after this.’

She tugged at her engagement ring but it wouldn’t come off. Finally she gave a little sob and fled out of the cabin.

‘Go after her!’ said Gareth. ‘Say you’re sorry, that it didn’t mean anything — at once,’ he rapped out at Jeremy.

I collapsed into a chair, my heart pounding, my face in my hands. ‘Oh my God, how terrible!’

‘And you can belt up,’ Gareth snarled at me. ‘You’ve done enough damage for one afternoon.’

‘I tried to stop him, really I did.’

‘Don’t give me that. There’s no need to explain yourself. You were just running true to form.’ And he walked out of the saloon, slamming the door behind him.

The awful thing was that we still had to pack up the boat and Lorna had to drive us to the original mooring twenty miles away, where Jeremy and Gareth had parked their cars. Gussie insisted on sitting in the back with Gareth and sobbing all the way. Jeremy and I, loathing each other’s guts, had to sit in front with Lorna.

When we finally got to where the cars were parked, Gussie refused to drive back to London with Jeremy. Gareth didn’t even say goodbye.

God, how ironic, I thought miserably, it’s worked out exactly as I planned it should. Gussie and Jeremy breaking up and Jeremy driving me back to London. But instead of being in each other’s arms, we were at each other’s throats. Jeremy looked grey beneath his suntan, all the bravado and panache seemed to be knocked out of him. The trees by the roadside fell away and rushed back in clumps.

‘You’ve got to talk to Gussie,’ said Jeremy. ‘Tell her it was all your fault. All right, I admit I tried to pull you this afternoon, but my God, I had provocation.’

‘I know you did,’ I said listlessly. ‘I’m sorry. I thought I wanted you so much; then when it came to the crunch, I found I didn’t after all.’

‘Yeah well, it’s the same with me. I was crazy about you, but now I realize I’m in danger of losing Gus, it all seems a terrible mistake. It’s the ill-wind department, I suppose. Takes a jolt like this to make you realize how much you really need someone. She’s so straight, Gus.’

I’d seldom seen a man more shattered.

‘Tell her it was your doing,’ he pleaded. ‘Tell her how much you led me on. It’s no skin off your nose.’

‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll talk to her. But it’s no good trying to see her until tomorrow.’