Palomino

38

For the rest of the week Sam stayed at the big house, never leaving the building, and for the first day not leaving her room. Norman had come to pick up Timmie's things to return them to the social worker for Timmie, but Sam had refused to see him. Josh was taking care of everything for her. Twice that morning Norman had knocked on the door. He had even tried to call her. But she didn't want to see anyone, except Timmie. She had just lost the last love of her life.

“Will she be all right?” Norm asked Josh with a look of sorrow, and the old man shook his head with tears in his eyes.

“I don't know. She's tough, but she's lost a lot. And this… you don't know how she loved him.”

Norman nodded sadly. “Yes, I do.” For the first time in his career, as he left the courthouse the previous evening, he had stepped on the gas as hard as he could in his Mercedes, and as he drove home at eighty miles an hour he had cried too. “I'd like to see her when she's ready. And I want to talk to her about an appeal. I think it would be worth it. This is an unusual case, because what she has against her is the fact that she is both single and crippled. But it's absolutely incredible that the court should find for a prostitute and a drug addict because she's a natural mother against a woman like Sam. I want to take this one all the way to the Supreme Court.”

“I'll tell her.” Josh looked as though he approved. “When I see her.”

And then suddenly Norman looked worried. “She wouldn't do anything crazy, would she?”

Josh thought for a while. “I don't think so.” He didn't know she had tried that once before in the hospital in New York. But this time she wasn't suicidal. She just wished she were dead, but some faint, irrational hope that one day she might get Timmie back kept her from doing anything truly crazy. Instead, she just lay in bed, without moving, without eating, only dragging herself to the bathroom, for two whole days. She just cried and slept and then cried some more when she awoke, and at the end of the second day she awoke to hear someone pounding on her door. She lay silently in bed, fully intending not to answer, and then she heard glass breaking and knew that someone had just come through her front door.

“Who is it?” She sounded frightened. Maybe it was a burglar, she wondered. But as she sat up in bed with a look of confusion and terror, the lights in the hall suddenly went on, and she saw Jeff with his shock of red hair. His arm was bleeding as he stood there and then he looked suddenly embarrassed, and as always he flushed beet-red. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you. I couldn't take it anymore, Sam. I haven't seen a light on in here for two days, and you didn't answer the other times when I came to the door… I thought maybe… I was afraid… I wanted to know if you were all right.” She nodded, smiling at him for caring, and then the tears came again and suddenly he was holding her tightly in his arms. The odd thing was that as he held her it was a familiar feeling, as though he had held her before, as though she knew his arms and his chest and his body, but she knew that it was a crazy thought and she pulled away from him and blew her nose.

“Thanks, Jeff.”

He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at her. Even after two days of just lying there, she looked lovely. And for just an instant he had a wild urge to kiss her, and as he thought of it he flushed bright red again. But as he did she was suddenly laughing through her tears and he looked at her in confusion. “What are you laughing at?”

“When you get embarrassed, you look just like a radish.”

“Thanks a lot.” He grinned. “I've been called carrottop, but never radish-face.” And then with a gentle smile, “You okay, Sam?”

“No. But I will be, I guess.” And then another trickle of tears coursed down her face. “I just hope Timmie'll be okay.”

“Josh says your lawyer wants to appeal it, all the way to the Supreme Court.”

“Yeah?” She looked cynical and angry. “He's full of shit. He doesn't have a chance of winning. The fact is that I'm a cripple and I'm single. They probably don't even care if I'm single, but I'm a cripple. That's enough. Prostitutes and drug addicts make better mothers than cripples, or didn't you know?”

“The hell they do.” He almost snarled it.

“Well, that's what the judge decided.”

“The judge sucks.” She suddenly laughed at the outrageous comment and then realized that she smelled beer on his breath. She frowned as she looked at the young redhead.

“You drunk, Jeff?”

He looked embarrassed and blushed again but he shook his head. “I just drank two beers. It takes more than that.”

“How come?”

“It just does. I usually don't get tight till five or six.”

“No.” She laughed at him. “I mean how come you drank the two?” She didn't like the men to drink around the kids and Jeff knew it, but she knew from the darkness outside that it was after hours.

“It's New Year's Eve, Sam.”

“It is?” She looked surprised and then counted backward… the hearing had been on the twenty-eighth, the verdict on the twenty-ninth, that had been two days ago. “Oh, shit. So it is. And you're going out partying?” She smiled gently at him.

“Yeah. I'm goin' over to the Bat Three. Did I ever tell you I used to work there?”

“No, but you seem to have worked on every damn ranch in the West.”

“I forgot to tell you about that one.”

“Are you taking a date?”

“Mary Jo.” This time he turned fire-engine red.

“Josh's girl?” She looked amused and he grinned at her.

“Yeah.”

“What did Josh have to say to that?”

“That he'd kick my ass if I got her drunk. But hell, she's almost nineteen. She's legal.”

“I'd watch out though, if I were you. If Josh said he'd kick your ass, he means it.” And then her face grew sober again. “How is he?”

“Worried about you.” Jeff's voice was gentle in the quiet room. “We all are, the ones who know. Your lawyer was here yesterday.”

“I figured he would be. To pick up Timmie's things?” Jeff hesitated and then nodded. “Did he get all his Christmas stuff?” She began to cry again. “I want him to have all of it.”

“He has it, Sam.” And then, not knowing what else to do for her, he took her in his arms and held her, and she lay her head against him and cried. He wanted to tell her then that he loved her, but he was afraid to. He had loved her the first time he saw her, with that incredible pale gold hair. But she was nine years older than he was and she never acted like she was interested in any man. He wondered sometimes if she could still do it, but he didn't even care, he just wanted to hold her and tell her he loved her one day. They lay like that for a long time, and then the tears stopped.

“Thank you.” She looked at him for a long, quiet time, stirred by his strength and his youthful beauty. “You'd better get out of here now or you'll end up spending New Year's Eve with me instead of Mary Jo.”

“You know something?” His voice was deep and sexy. “I'd like that.”

“You would, would you?” Her eyes were teasing but she could see that his were not. But she didn't think what she was suddenly feeling was what Jeff needed. He didn't need an older woman, and a cripple yet, on his hands. He was young. He had his whole life in front of him, filled with girls like Mary Jo. But she was suddenly so desperately lonely that she wanted to reach out to him, and before she did something foolish, she wanted him to go. “Okay, kiddo, go celebrate New Year's Eve in style.” She sat up in her bed and tried a smile.

“And you, Sam?”

“I'm going to take a hot bath, make myself something to eat, and come back to bed. I guess maybe tomorrow I'm going to have to come out of my hole and face the world.”

“I'm glad to hear it. For a while there you had me scared.”

“I'm tough, I guess, Jeff. Time does that to you.” Time, and heartbreaks, and loss.

“Does it? It sure makes you beautiful too.”

“Go on, Jeff.” She looked worried. “It's time for you to go”

“I don't want to leave you, Sam. I want to stay here.”

But she shook her head as she looked at him, took his hand, held it to her cheek, and then kissed the fingertips gently as she let it go. “You can't stay, Jeff.”

“Why not?”

“I won't let you.”

“You don't believe in ranchers and ranch hands mixing?” He bridled like a young stallion and she smiled.

“No, nothing like that, love. It's just that my life is behind me now and yours isn't. You don't need something like this.”

“You're crazy. Do you know how long I've wanted you?”

She put a finger to his lips. “I don't want you to tell me. It's New Year's Eve, people say things they shouldn't on nights like this. I want us to be friends for a long time, Jeff. Please don't spoil it.” And then, with tears in her eyes again, “I need you right now. You and Josh, and the children, but especially you and Josh. Don't do anything to change that. I just… I couldn't take it… I need you too much.” He held her once again then, kissed the top of her head, and then stood up and looked down at her.

“I'll stay if you want me to, Sam.”

She looked up into the brilliant green eyes and shook her head. “No, babe, it's okay. You go.” He nodded slowly then and stood looking at her for one last moment in the doorway, and then she heard his cowboy boots echo in the hallway and the front door close.