Private Pleasures

Chapter Eleven

Grey glanced at his watch as he cut through the courtyard located in the center of the Wilshire Plaza, and picked up his step. He was nearly half an hour late for the final fitting appointment with his tailor for the custom-made suits he'd ordered.

His entire life had become a blur since seeing Mariah again. He went through the motions of work and everyday life, but his brain was in a fog, unable to remember something as simple as an appointment or a business meeting. Thank God he had Jeanie to prod his memory and keep him from totally sinking into the depths of his misery.

A baby. They were going to have a baby, or rather, according to Mariah, she was going to have the baby. On her own. Without his help or input. She'd made it clear that she neither expected, nor wanted, anything from him.

And so, without a fight, he'd walked away from Mariah and their child, and had spent every day since convincing himself he'd done the right thing. Both mother and child deserved better than what he could offer them, like emotional stability and a secure family environment filled with happiness and love. How could he give either when all he'd ever experienced was hostility, resentment and neglect? The fear of failing as a husband and father was always at the surface, rearing its ugly head, taunting him with powerful, ugly memories he had no defense against.

So why couldn't he shake the awful feeling that he was making the biggest mistake of his life?

Pushing that haunting question from his mind because he had no logical answer, he rounded a large fountain in the center of the courtyard and focused on the men's department store within sight.

He heard a whimper and a gulping sob, and automatically glanced around the area for the distraught sound while still keeping up his clipped pace. The courtyard was bordered with benches for weary shoppers to rest, and planter boxes with lush green foliage sectioned off individual alcoves. It was early afternoon on a weekday, and there was a sparse number of shoppers around the plaza. In fact, he didn't see anyone in the courtyard.

The pitiful whimpering sobs reached him again, the sound soft, but unmistakable. Frowning, he slowed his steps and glanced in the alcoves as he passed them. When he found the source of the distressing noise, he stopped, but made no move to advance toward the little girl huddled into the corner between the bench and planter box. When she saw him, she pulled her legs up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her knees. She watched him warily, fearfully, as silent tears streamed down her smooth cheeks.

She was a little thing, he thought, with honey brown hair that shimmered to her shoulders and big, watery blue eyes that grabbed at something deep inside him. Judging by her small size, he estimated her age between four and six.

She was obviously lost and scared. At the moment, he could relate. It was akin to how he felt-out of his element and antsy to be on his way.

But as uncomfortable as the situation made him feel, he couldn't walk away and leave the little girl, hoping that whoever she belonged to eventually found her.

He took a tentative step toward the little girl. She shrank from him, her whole body trembling. Her whimpers increased, and his stomach twisted with dread. God, was he that threatening? He supposed to someone a third his size he'd seem like a giant. Or did children have a sixth sense about people who weren't adept with kids?

The thought was disturbing.

Shoving his hands into his slacks' pockets, he glanced around for help, but they were alone. Not a frantic mother in sight, or even a person of the female persuasion who'd know how to handle such a crisis. Since he couldn't leave the little girl alone, he was on his own. He grappled for the appropriate resources in dealing with a lost child, and his mind drew a blank.

"Are you okay, honey?" he asked in a soft, gentle tone. Stupid question, considering the girl was clearly distraught, but it was all he could think of as an icebreaker.

"I want my mom," she whimpered, her chin quivering.

He shifted casually, a subtle move that eased him closer. "Where is your mom?"

"I don't know." She sniffled, her expression bleak. "I only stopped at the toy store to look in the window, and when I looked back up, my mom wasn't there."

And most likely, the little girl's mother had eventually glanced down expecting to find her daughter by her side, and was met with the shocking discovery that her little girl was gone. No doubt, her mother was hysterical with worry.

The little girl started crying again, making Grey feel helpless and way out of his element. The first thought that drifted though his mind was, what would Mariah do? The answer came easily. She'd comfort the little girl.

Forcing himself closer, despite how the girl's sobs shook him up, he hunkered down in front of her. She was so little, so vulnerable. So sweet and innocent. Without thinking, he gently brushed a soft strand of hair from her face, startled by the odd protectiveness that rippled through him.

He swallowed hard. Oh, man, if he experienced such sensitivity and empathy with a child he didn't even know, he could only imagine how much more powerful the emotion would be with his own child.

His child. The child Mariah carried. The revelation sent his mind reeling.

"My name is Grey," he said, attempting to establish some familiarity between them and chase away her apprehension. "What's your name?"

"B-B-Brandi," she stuttered.

He smiled, the last of the tension easing from his body. "Well, that's a beautiful name for such a pretty little girl. What do you say you come with me and we'll go look for your mom?"

Her gaze turned skeptical, and she swiped her tears from her cheeks. "I'm not supposed to go anywhere with strangers."

"That's a very good rule," he told her, knowing he'd want his own child to be just as educated. "But I don't want to leave you here all by yourself. There's an information booth a little ways from here, and I'm sure they can locate your mom for you, but you have to come with me."

He straightened, held out his hand and waited, knowing there was little he could do if Brandi refused to go with him. If she didn't, he resolved to stay with her until someone found them.

Tentatively she reached out and placed her tiny, soft hand in his much larger one, believing his promise. Believing and accepting him. That first touch and the way she curled her fingers so hopefully around his hand made his heart catch in his chest. Those big blue eyes, just moments ago brimming with tears, now shone with a trust that nearly brought him to his knees. She was depending on him to deliver her safely to her mother. There was no way he was going to let her down.

Adjusting his long stride to meet her much shorter one, he walked with her to the information booth and reported the incident to the young woman working there. The woman assured him that the little girl had been reported missing, and that security and the girl's mother were searching the plaza. Picking up a two-way radio, she called off the pursuit.

"They're at the other end of the plaza," the young woman said. "As soon as they locate Brandi's mother, they'll be here." She glanced over the counter at the little girl clinging to Grey's side. "Would you like to sit behind the counter with me until your mother gets here?"

Brandi shook her head and curled her fingers tight around Grey's hand. "No, I want to stay with Mr. Grey."

The woman glanced at Grey, and deciding he met with her approval, she smiled. "Very well."

Spotting an ice-cream shop across from the information booth, Grey glanced back at Brandi and said spontaneously, "What do you say we get an ice cream while we're waiting?"

A beatific smile wreathed the little girl's face, and she nodded eagerly. "I like chocolate," she announced.

Grey laughed. "Then chocolate it is."

Minutes later they were sitting side by side on a wooden bench next to the information booth, each holding a single-scoop chocolate ice-cream cone. The simplicity of the situation seeped through him, warm as sunshine. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten an ice-cream cone, and that he was doing so with a child, and enjoying it bewildered and delighted him.

He was going to be a dad. The startling thought rushed out of nowhere, but it came with an abundance of emotion and a yearning he'd tried his best to ignore since learning Mariah was pregnant with their baby. A child conceived out of the love he and Mariah shared.

The longing for the impossible grew stronger with each passing day. Today it had surpassed anything he'd ever experienced, all because of a lost little girl. To help her, he'd played a role, a parental role he hadn't believed himself capable of. He'd been gentle and patient, despite his fears. And once they'd gotten over their initial wariness of one another, the rest had come naturally.

The prospect of raising a child made his insides clench with apprehension, but the thought of missing the opportunity to share in special moments like this with his son or daughter hurt much, much more. His own childhood had been less than ideal, full of painful memories that he'd never forget, that would always be a part of who he was. But as a result of what he'd experienced, he never, ever wanted his child to feel the kind of hurt and disillusionment he had. Never wanted his son or daughter to think he didn't love them.

And he would love them, he realized with startling clarity. Already did. He wanted to experience their smiles and laughter. To play ball with a son, or attend his daughter's ballet recital. Dammit, he wanted to be a part of their lives on a daily basis and share every stage of their development.

He wanted to make a difference to them, just as he'd made a difference to this little girl who'd so openly trusted and accepted him.

You're a better man than your father ever was. You're kind, gentle and loving… Mariah's words whispered through him, soothing the last of his doubts. She believed in him. She was strong, nothing even remotely close to his own weak, spineless mother. Mariah loved fully, without reservation, without conditions.

And she loved him. How could he fail with her by his side, guiding him and learning the ropes of parenthood right along with him?

He'd been a fool to walk away. What Mariah wanted was so simple, and something he'd yearned for his entire life, but had done his best to deny: to be part of a family, one filled with hopes and heartaches, good times and bad, respect and trust…and love.

He wanted it all. But would Mariah forgive him for being such an idiot and not realizing sooner that everything he'd ever wanted in his life started and ended with her?

Brandi patted his arm to get his attention, and he glanced from the chocolate handprint on his sleeve, to the little girl's face, smudged with sticky ice cream. He waited for a spark of irritation over the stain she'd left on his shirt, something to indicate he truly was his father's son and had a temper to match, but the only thought that came to mind was that his shirt was washable.

Pure relief flooded him, and at that moment, he knew he'd fight until his last breath for Mariah and his child.

"Thank you, Mr. Grey," Brandi said softly, gazing up at him with something akin to adoration. "You're very nice, and I like you a lot."

A lump the size of a baseball lodged in his throat, and he cleared it away before he embarrassed himself. "And you're the sweetest little girl I've ever had the pleasure to meet." He tapped his finger on the tip of her nose, and when she giggled, he melted inside.

"Brandi!"

The frantic cry caught both Grey and Brandi's attention. When Brandi saw her mother running toward her, she scrambled off the bench and flew into her mother's arms.

The woman was crying and squeezing the little girl fiercely, protectively. "Thank you so much for taking care of my baby," she said, meeting Grey's gaze over her daughter's head. "One minute she was right next to me, and the next, she was gone. I've never been so scared in my entire life!"

Grey smiled, clearly picturing how he'd first found Brandi, crying and so frightened. "I think the feeling was mutual."

The reunion was sweet. And so were the strange but wonderful emotions sweeping through Grey. He knew he'd never see the little girl again, but he would never forget her.

"Buckle up."

Mariah cast Grey an annoyed look, but did as he requested, considering he was already backing his Cherokee out of the parking spot next to her BMW. She never knew what to expect from him anymore, since the day he'd barged into her office two weeks ago demanding she allow him to be a part of his child's life. She couldn't help but wonder what had brought about the sudden change of mind.

She sighed, feeling impatient and weary. "Grey, you can't keep kidnapping me every time we get into an argument."

He slid on his sunglasses and merged into traffic. "I'm not kidnapping you."

"Then what do you call that stunt you pulled back in the parking lot? "Get in the car and please don't make a scene," she said, reciting his exact words.

A grin curved his mouth. "Hey, I was polite about it. There were people around-I didn't want them listening to our conversation. Since you didn't argue and got into the car, I figured you felt the same way."

She ground her teeth at his logic. "Jade will be expecting me back at the office in an hour."

"Jade can wait. This can't." He stopped the car at a red light, and glanced at her. "We need to talk, Mariah."

She could only see her reflection in his glasses, but his intense gaze burned through the lenses like a laser. She'd been so emotional lately, she knew she'd bawl when that "talk" made her think about how hopeless and tangled their situation was.

"I don't want to talk," she said, her tone firm.

"Fine, then you can listen."

She didn't want to listen to what he had to say, either, but other than jumping from the vehicle, she had no choice. Determined not to say a word or contribute to this conversation in any way, she focused her attention out the passenger window.

He turned onto the freeway on-ramp. "You know I want to be a part of my child's life-"

Her head snapped around and she cut him off before he could complete his sentence. "I told you I wouldn't deny you that." So much for being quiet and unresponsive.

A small smile quirked the corner of his mouth. "Good, because I'm not giving you a choice."

She bristled in irritation. Who did he think he was that he could make ultimatums like that? The baby's father, that's who. He had every legal right to demand equal time with his child.

"I want to be a part of your pregnancy, too."

"You do?" she asked doubtfully and a little suspiciously.

"Yeah." Excitement laced his voice. "I can go with you to the doctor's appointments, can't I?"

"Yes." She nearly choked on the word, but knew she couldn't deny Grey the chance to hear the baby's heartbeat, and maybe see the baby move within her belly. She blew out an aching breath. Sharing the stages of her pregnancy with Grey was going to be joyful, as well as painful. She wondered if she'd survive this new unorthodox relationship they were establishing, one based on their mutual responsibility to the child inside her and nothing more.

"And how about those classes where they teach you to relax and breathe that funny way?"

"Lamaze." That's where she firmly drew the line. La-maze was too personal and intimate an experience, one that required touching. How could she concentrate on her breathing technique in class when the man she loved but couldn't have was rubbing her back or gently caressing her belly? Her focus would be on him, not the lessons she needed to learn.

"Jade is going to be my coach," she said, hoping to dispel any notion or obligation he felt to be by her side during those laboring hours.

"No way," he said adamantly. "No offense to Jade, but I want to be there when the baby's born."

Feeling drained and uncertain about this whole part-time parent stuff, Mariah rested her head on the seat. "Grey, you don't have to do this-"

"I want to do this. I insist on doing this." He exited the freeway and came to a halt at the Stop sign at the base of the off-ramp. He transferred his gaze to her for a second to give her the full effect of his grim expression. "You're not going to make my participation in this baby's life difficult, are you?"

She shivered in apprehension, wondering if he'd go so far as to sue for custody if he didn't get his way. "Of course not," she said, her temper rising. "I just don't want you to think that I'm going to make demands on your time."

He smiled very slowly, erasing that intimidating expression. "You won't have to, because I'm going to be around a lot."

Great, just great. She rubbed her forehead as the car rolled forward, moving onto surface streets. "I know you're busy, Grey. I don't expect you to see the baby every day-"

"I'll make the time. Every day."

Mariah took a deep calming intake of air. There was little she could say to his insistence on being a daily part of his child's life. She wanted that for this child, to know its father and spend time with him on a regular basis. But how was she going to survive seeing Grey every day, knowing that he had a life separate from hers-one that didn't include her, only their child?

He pulled into his driveway and cut the engine in front of his enormous, elegant two-story house. She stared up at the structure, a house built and designed for a bachelor with no intentions of getting tied down to a wife, and certainly not a child who would track dirt onto his light-colored carpet and leave toys strewn from one end of his impeccably clean house to the other. No, a family hadn't been in Grey's future thinking, and she worried how father and child would adjust when she wasn't there to smooth out the awkward moments between them.

The warmth of Grey's large hand beneath her blouse, then sliding down the waistband of her stretch pants startled her out of her thoughts. Her breath caught sharply and she grasped his wrist, though he didn't seem inclined to remove his hand from the taut curve of her belly. Their gazes locked, his so full of wonder and awe she wanted to cry.

"Grey…" Her voice quivered, as did her body. She'd missed his touch, and hated that she was so weak she didn't have the will to pull his hand away.

His fingers probed her firm stomach. "I've been wanting to do this since the day at your office, but I was afraid you'd sock me one." He smiled ruefully.

Her grip on his wrist relaxed, foolishly giving him free rein to explore her stomach. "What makes you think I won't now?"

He chuckled, the deep, sexy sound making her shiver. "I'll take my chances, sweetheart," he said, his voice amused. "Have you felt the baby move?"

She smiled, wanting nothing more than to share her body's changes with Grey. "Yes."

His eyes sparkled enthusiastically. "What does it feel like?"

How could she explain such an indescribable sensation? "It feels like a butterfly fluttering around in my belly, with a few swift jabs for good measure." Without thinking of the implications, she slid her palm over the back of his hand and guided him lower, to the spot where their baby liked to fuss and kick about the most.

His gaze dropped to her heavy breasts, taking in the changes there while his fingers drew lazy circles on her belly. Gradually he dragged his gaze back up, stopping briefly on her mouth, then onward to her eyes.

"You look beautiful like this, you know," he said huskily.

He was melting away her defenses by attacking her weak points-her desire and love for him. "Grey, don't do this-"

He cocked his head innocently, making him more irresistible than he already was. "Do what?"

Swallowing the thick need gathering in her throat, she withdrew his hand from beneath her blouse, which he allowed without protest. "Make this arrangement any more difficult than it already is."

"Is there something wrong with telling a woman she looks beautiful? Especially when that woman is carrying my child?"

Yes! she wanted to scream. Especially when this woman's heart had been shattered into a million pieces, and probably would never recover. Biting her lip to keep the words from escaping, she turned her gaze away from him.

With a gentle, persuasive pressure of his fingers on her chin, he brought her face back toward him again. "I haven't stopped wanting you, Mariah," he said, his voice soft and sincere. "If anything, the time we've been apart has only intensified my feelings toward you. Made me realize exactly what was missing from my life."

She pulled her chin from his grasp, trying not to soften to his will. It proved to be one of the most difficult feats of her life. "What are we doing here, Grey?" she asked tiredly.

He stared up at the house for a long, quiet moment, then said, "There's something I want to show you. Will you come with me?"

She opened her mouth to say no and request that he take her back to Casual Elegance. But there was something in his eyes, a combination of hope and anticipation that changed her answer to yes. At her nod, he released a relieved breath, quickly climbed out of the car, and came around for her.

With her hand secured within his, she followed him inside the house and up the staircase to the second floor. All the while she sensed the coil of nervousness in his body with every step he took. He paused at the guest bedroom, his free hand resting on the doorknob.

Mariah frowned. What was so spectacular about his guest room that so obviously had him tied up in a knot of tension? He slowly opened the door…and then she knew.

Nothing had prepared her for what she saw or the overwhelming emotions tumbling through her. He released her hand, and as if drawn by invisible strings, she tentatively stepped inside the newly redecorated room.

A nursery. Oh, God.

A whitewashed crib, matching changing table and dresser replaced the queen-size canopied bed and armoire that had occupied the room before. A rocking chair was positioned near the window, a big, soft teddy bear with a huge red bow sitting in the seat.

Her chest tightened when she realized the wallpaper was the one she would have chosen-a carousel of plump, whimsical zoo animals shaded in soft pastel colors. Everything matched the design, from the crib set and border running along the top of the room, to the diaper holder and the curtains framing the window. Obviously the room had been professionally decorated, but how had Grey known this was the design she'd envisioned for her own nursery?

Despite herself and the pain slowly invading her body, she moved into the room and toward the crib. She touched one of the stuffed animals hanging from the mobile, and the attached music box tinkled out a strain of "You Are My Sunshine." There was no doubt her baby would be happy here, in this delightfully decorated room.

A sob of despair broke from her. Tears blurred her vision, but she managed to blink them back. Dammit, this just wasn't fair!

"What, you don't like it?" At some point Grey had moved beside her. "Jade swore this was the pattern you said you wanted for the baby's nursery."

"Oh, it is." Damn Jade, anyway. How could her sister betray her this way?

"Well, then?" He clearly wanted an explanation for her emotional outburst.

She forced a smile, which was shaky at best considering she was dying inside. This part-time custody was going to kill her. "I'm sure the baby will love it."

He pushed his hands into his trouser pockets. "I'm hoping so, since he or she will be spending so much time here."

She stared at him in sudden horror. Had he gone through so much trouble with the nursery because he was considering full-time custody? The thought made her blood jell and her defenses rise. "You have every right to see this child as often as you'd like," she said in a voice that belied the fury steaming within her. "But I refuse to allow this baby to be raised by a nanny."

"A nanny?" An infuriatingly gentle smile touched his mouth and entered his eyes. "Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you-"

"Tell me what?" she demanded haughtily.

"That I want you to live here, too."

She tried, but failed to contain the hysterical laughter bubbling in her. "That's quite a convenient arrangement for you."

"Yeah, I guess it is." He shrugged nonchalantly. "But then why wouldn't I want my baby and my wife living in my house?"

White-hot anger swirled within her, hazing his words. "You know how I feel about living with you, and I resent the fact that you'd use this baby to…to…" His comment slowly seeped through her tirade, and her heart nearly stopped. "What did you say?" she breathed, afraid to believe, to hope.

"I said-"

"But do you mean it?" she asked swiftly, as if Grey speaking the words out loud would somehow dilute their meaning.

"Yes, I-"

"You really want to get married?"

He separated the distance between them, wrapped one arm around her back and hauled her to him, using his free hand to cover her mouth. "Yeah, I really want to."

"Mrmph-"

"Hush, Mariah," he said gently. Then, as if knowing what assurances she was searching for, he went on. "I want to get married, not because I think it's the right thing to do, or even because of the baby. It's because I love you, and I'm miserable without you. I want to be that person you grow old with, the person who shares your hopes and dreams."

This time when she looked into his eyes she didn't see any of the doubts or fears that had plagued him for so long. No, he was finally free of past burdens, free to love and be loved. She didn't think it possible to feel so much joy-Pulling his hand from her mouth, she smiled up at him.

"You're pretty darn close to making all my dreams come true." He folded her into his embrace and rubbed his cheek against her hair, speaking near her ear. "I was so afraid of falling in love, but you know what? That fear doesn't compare to the fear of losing you. I know it won't be easy, being a husband and a father, but I'm going to do my damnedest to make sure you don't regret marrying me."

Mariah lifted her head to look up at him, content and secure in his arms. "How could I, when I've waited my whole life for you?"

He sank his fingers into her hair and tilted her face up to his for a tender kiss. He sighed against her lips, then grinned. "Thank God I came to my senses in time."

"Yeah, you were a little slow in coming around." She wound her arms around his neck, pressing herself against the muscular heat of his body. "Are you sure this is what you want? Marriage and a baby?"

His eyes gleamed like gold. "Absolutely, without any doubts."

She toyed with the collar of his shirt, needing a deeper explanation for Grey's change of heart. "What changed your mind?"

He told her about a lost little girl he'd found, and how that one incident had changed his entire outlook on his future, and his ability to be a good, caring father.

"I want to give my son or daughter everything I never had as a child," he continued, his voice deep with conviction, "unconditional love. My undivided attention. A father they can be proud of. I want to make a difference in my son or daughter's life. And your strength and love will help me along the way. I'll probably need as much guidance as our child, but I know I can do this with you at my side."

She smiled, realizing that he'd finally come to terms with his past-and wanted to make a better childhood for his own baby. "I'm with you every step of the way."

He brushed the back of his knuckles across her cheek, his gaze reverent. "I want us to be the family I never had, and the family you've always wanted."

"Oh, Grey," she whispered. This time, the tears that filled her eyes were of pure happiness. "I do love you."

"Yeah, I love you, too. And that's a guarantee you can count on," he murmured. He sealed his vow with a breath-stealing kiss that left no doubts in her mind, or her heart, that he was in this for the long haul.