Queen Of This Realm

A Man of Much Wit and Very Little Judgment

MY LIFE CHANGED FROM THAT TIME. ONE THOUGHT WAS uppermost in my mind. It bewildered me—but not for long. It was so dazzling, so truly wonderful, so remote—and yet it was possible. One day I could be Queen of England.

After having been known as the bastard daughter of the King, of no great significance, scorned and kept in mended garments, sent from place to place at the convenience of others, I had become of no small consequence. Henceforth people would treat me in a different manner. I began to see it immediately. I noticed the covert looks. Be careful, said their eyes. She could be Queen one day.

I was savoring what a glorious sensation power can be. I was being given just that faintest glimmer of that which my father had enjoyed since the days when he was eighteen years old and became the King. To rule a country— a great country—what a destiny! And it could be mine.

This new state had come about because of the conditions of my father's will. I was to receive three thousand pounds a year—riches for me—and a marriage portion of ten thousand pounds. True, I could only marry with the consent of the King—my little brother Edward now—and his Council. Edward would be easy enough to handle, but what of the Council? No matter. There was no question of marriage yet. But if any man tried to marry either my elder half sister Mary Tudor or myself without the consent of the Council, serious charges would be brought against him and my sister and me. That did not greatly concern me, for being not yet fourteen I had no mind to risk any lives for the sake of a romantic marriage.

The crown, of course, would go to Edward. If he died without heirs, it passed to Mary; and if Mary should die, then I was the next in line, although the Catholics believed that my father had never really been married to my mother and I was a bastard! As this will was made a year or so before my father's death, he had stated that before Mary or myself would come any heirs he should have through Katharine Parr—adding ominously “or any future queen.”

I could not stop myself from summing up the situation, turning it this way and that. Edward was very young and frail. I wondered whether he would marry and could be expected to get healthy offspring. Mary? Well, Mary was thirty-one and unmarried. Would she find a husband? Most certainly. And if she bore a son, what hope had I?

So I warned myself again and again that I must not be overdazzled by even the remote prospect. I must rejoice that it was a possibility and prepare myself to play a waiting game.

My father was buried at Windsor and his heavy body had to be lowered into the grave by means of a vise worked by sixteen of the strongest men of the Yeomen of the Guard. The members of the King's household had stood around his grave, the Queen's old enemy Gardiner with the Lord Chamberlain and Lord Treasurer among them. In accordance with custom they broke their staves over their heads and threw them down into the coffin.

So passed the great King who had astonished the world by breaking with Rome and bringing about the biggest religious controversy ever known, who had had his will all his life, who had married six wives and murdered two of them—and God knows there might have been a third victim but for her adroitness and his failing health—all this and yet they mourned him. Was it because in spite of all his cruelty and his ruthlessness he showed great strength? Above all things, it seems, men admire strength. He was sentimental too and he had a conscience which would never let him rest. What strange contradictory characteristics were his! Yet, withal, men mourned his passing and turned regretful, fearful eyes to the new boy King.

There was a macabre story about something which had happened just before his burial. Kat told me this hesitatingly, pretending she could not tell and having to be forced to do so.

“People are whispering about it,” she said. “I cannot say that it is true, but there are those who saw—”

“Come on, Kat,” I said more imperiously than ever for was I not a potential heiress to a throne? “I command you to tell me.”

Kat raised her eyes to the ceiling, a frequent gesture.

“And I dare not disobey my lady's command. On the way to Windsor the cortége broke its journey at Sion House and there the body rested in the chapel. It was at Sion House, remember, that poor Katharine Howard stayed when they were taking her to the Tower. Poor child, they say she was almost mad with fear, for did she not have the example of her cousin to remind her of what lay in store for her? Well, the coffin burst, for the King's body was too great for its fragile wood, and the King's blood was spilt on the chapel floor. Now this is the shocking part. Are you sure you want me to go on? Very well. A dog was seen to run forward and lick the blood clean and although they tried to draw him away he snarled and refused to budge until there was not a speck of blood on the floor.”

“Kat, where did you hear such a tale?”

“My dear lady, it is being whispered throughout the land. You do not know of this because you were not then born but when the King was thinking of ridding himself of his first Queen, one Friar Peyto who cared nothing for what might befall him stood in his pulpit and declared that the King was as Ahab and that the dogs in like manner would lick his blood.”

“What a terrible story!”

“Tis terrible times we live in, sweet lady. The Lady of Aragon suffered greatly and was there any one of the King's wives who did not? Your own beautiful mother so desperate… And we saw the terror of the last Queen for ourselves, you and I.”

“Kat, how dare you talk so about my great father!”

“Only because commanded to do so by one who may well herself be mistress of us all one day.”

Kat was smiling at me, and because she was Kat and said such words I could forgive her anything.

I told her she was the most indiscreet person I knew and I hoped she did not chatter to others as she did to me. She was as excited as I was about my prospects and being less thoughtful and logical than I, she believed that I was almost on the throne.

“The little King is very sickly,” she said. “He won't make old bones. And as for Mary, I sometimes think she does not enjoy good health. Whereas you, my precious one, are full of vigor. I said to John Ashley only the other day, ‘Our girl is destined for greatness. I feel it in my bones.'”

“You are the most foolish creature I ever knew and I wonder that I love you. If any heard you express such sentiments, what do you think they would say of you? You would be accused of ill-wishing the King and you know I love Edward dearly.”

“I don't think John Ashley wants to be rid of me yet,” said Kat flippantly, “so he won't betray me. Nor will you, my lady, for I cannot see you ever reaching that stage when you would not want your Kat there to look after you—throne or not.”

“Oh Kat, do have a care,” I said, laughing.

She would take no heed. It was not long before she was talking about a marriage for me.

“Well, 'tis a merry state and one necessary to a woman.”

“All women?” I asked.

“All women, my clever lady.”

“I am not so sure. What of my mother? Do you think she thought what a blessed state it was when she was on her way to Tower Green? Did Katharine Howard think it so when she ran screaming through the gallery? And what of Katharine Parr when she was confined to her bed in mortal peril? Do you believe they thought it then?”

“You are talking of queens.”

“Queens—or those who may be queens—must surely take special care before they embark on matrimony.”

“Marriages are usually made for queens, dear lady.”

“I have a fancy that I shall make my own, if indeed I ever decide to make one.”

“I know one who would be very happy to take you.”

“Who is that?”

She was conspiratorial and her voice had sunk to a whisper. She put her lips to my ear.

I flushed. I could not pretend that I had not noticed him and that I did not think him one of the most exciting men I had ever seen. He was tall, extremely good-looking and more than that had an air of gallantry and indefinable charm. There was only one man at Court who could fit that description: Thomas Seymour.

“Ah, my lady,” went on the incorrigible Kat, “I see that you are inclined to look with favor on this very desirable gentleman.”

“You see much which is not there, Kat Ashley,” I reprimanded her. “And how do you know he might have plans regarding me?”

“Because I have eyes, my lady, and I have seen his own linger on you with much affection.”

Was it so? And how did Thomas Seymour regard me? When he looked at me with that affection which Kat had perceived, did he see me wearing a crown? Was he, brother to that very Jane who had supplanted my mother, uncle to the frail King, looking out for his future?

“If he asked for your hand, Princess, would you take him?”

“You are impertinent, Kat Ashley,” I said and I slapped her face.

She put her hand to her cheek. “And you, my lady, are hasty with your hands,” she said.

I put my arms round her and kissed her. “I'm sorry I did that, but you can be very aggravating sometimes. I do not want to hear any more about Thomas Seymour.”

“Do you not?” said Kat. “Shall we then discuss the weather or the new blue silk you have…or your embroidery?”

“You would be safer talking of such things.”

She laughed and I laughed with her and she went on to tell me that Sir Thomas Seymour had been created Baron of Sudeley and made Lord High Admiral. “The late King left him two hundred pounds in his will and I verily believe, my lady, that had His Majesty lived there would have been the honor of marriage into the King's family for him. The King loved Thomas Seymour … and who would not love such a fine, witty and handsome gentleman?”

“I believe there are some who do not love him.”

“Oh, that brother of his—the Duke of Somerset if you please now. He is the big man. He has the King in his charge. They say Thomas is a little jealous of his brother.”

“They say, Kat? It seems to me that it is Kat Ashley who says this and that, and she is the very mistress of gossip throughout this land.”

“And who profits from what I discover more than my lady?”

That was how we talked and there was hardly a day when Thomas Seymour's name was not mentioned between us.

I had to admit I was thinking a great deal of him. I had known for some time that he was interested in me… even before my father's death. He was my brother's favorite uncle. I believed that Edward was not very fond of the elder Seymour. Edward Seymour, Duke of Somerset to give him his newly acquired title, was a man of immense ambition and extreme ruthlessness. Now that my father was dead, he had become Protector of England and was in a position of complete authority. It was natural that Thomas, the younger brother and favorite uncle of the young King, could not happily accept a subordinate position.

However the Seymours were the important family in the country now. They had nothing to fear from the Howards. Surrey had been beheaded and the Duke, his father, was still in the Tower; his death warrant was to have been signed on the night before the King died, but the King being too weak to add his signature to the documents, the execution had been waived, though Norfolk continued a prisoner.

Almost immediately after that conversation with Kat, a letter arrived through her from Thomas Seymour. She brought it to me with an air of intrigue, and when I opened it and saw from whom it came, my hands trembled.

It was brief and to the point. The Admiral had long admired me. He was a little older than I but age was unimportant when love reigned. He admired my beauty more than that of any other and was asking me to give him my hand in marriage.

I was overcome with emotion. I had to admit I had been a little fascinated by the Admiral. He was the most attractive man at Court and, having been a person of little importance for so long, I was very susceptible to admiration. I was not beautiful enough to be sure of my attractions. I had youth, of course, and a fine clear skin, milk-white and fair; I had good reddish hair, the same color as my father's, and I resembled him in my appearance. He was a handsome man but what is handsome in a man is not necessarily attractive in a woman. I had lively tawny eyes to match my hair but my eyelashes were too fair; my nose was long rather than short, but I was thankful that I had not inherited my father's mouth, which was small and cruel and had been really the most expressive of his features. I wished I had inherited my mother's appearance with the attributes of my father—not all, of course—but the best, those qualities which had made him a good sovereign. I think I had to some extent, but how I wished I had my mother's ravishing and singular beauty! Perhaps because of a certain lack of assurance as far as my personal charms were concerned I always wanted to hear them proclaimed. So with Thomas Seymour's letter before me I tried to convince myself that I was loved for myself and that his affections had nothing to do with the fact that I was the King's daughter who might one day inherit a crown.

Kat was in a state of twittering excitement and tried to get me to reveal the contents of the letter. I would not, but she guessed. She went on and on talking of the good looks of the Admiral, how my father had singled him out for favor, and how she was sure that had the King lived he would have betrothed me to him by now.

I listened and thought about the Admiral. My brother Edward was very fond of him. He would certainly have the favor of the new King. But Edward was in leading strings and it was not the Admiral who was holding them but his brother. There were moments when I allowed myself to dream silly girlish dreams, when I thought how pleasant it would be to listen to the Admiral's compliments and allow myself to believe that I was the most desirable girl in England.

But there was another side to my nature—that shrewd observer who had never allowed any event of importance to be passed over. I hesitated while I brooded on what the future might bring and at last I came to my conclusions. I would not be fourteen until September. I had a great deal to learn and I was in a most unusual position.

I took up my pen and wrote to Thomas Seymour telling him that I had neither the years nor the inclination to think of marriage at this time, and I was surprised that anyone should mention the subject to me at a time when I was entirely taken up with mourning my father to whom I owed so much. I intended to devote at least two years to wearing black for him and mourning him; and even when I arrived at years of discretion, I wished to retain my liberty without entering into any matrimonial engagement.

When I had written it, I read it through once and hastily sealed it. Then it was dispatched.

I had moved with my household to the Dormer Palace of Chelsea which my father had built after he had possession of the Manor of Chelsea. It was a charming place with gardens running down to the river. I was looking forward to being there with my stepmother for we had always been good friends and I was delighted that the Council had decided that she should have charge of me.

I was feeling very excited. Ever present was the realization that I could have a glorious future and in the meantime I would have the attentions of the most handsome man at Court. It was a pleasant prospect. But my good sense insisted that it would be folly to agree to any engagement with Thomas Seymour. If the Council were against it—and I felt sure that Somerset would never agree to it—we should both be in trouble. The Admiral was a daring sailor and might be ready to risk that sort of trouble for the sake of a crown. I was not. I was vulnerable because I was so young but I had acquired one bit of wisdom inasmuch as I realized I was too young and inexperienced to put myself in a dangerous situation. Perhaps I was by nature cautious— the opposite I was sure of my dashing Admiral. But I had seen what folly women exposed themselves to for love.

Kat tried to persuade me to accept him with constant references to his charms. He was adventurous both at sea and in the ladies” boudoirs. “You'll have a very accomplished lover, my lady,” she said, and although I told her that I most certainly would not have him and had written him to tell him so, she did not believe me. “My lord is not a man to take no for an answer,” she declared. “We shall see…”

She talked and I listened—I must admit, with mounting excitement.

“He'll come courting, I know it,” she said.

And I realized that although I was averse to marriage, to be courted seemed to me a rather pleasant and exciting pastime.

My stepmother was delighted to receive me.

I complimented her on her appearance for she looked younger than I had ever seen her look before and there was a brightness about her. She looked like a girl though she must be thirty-four or -five years old. Then I considered how she had lived as Queen of England, the butt of my father's irritations; I thought of her dressing that leg which must have been revolting at times, of the manner in which he used to put it on her lap and expect her to nurse it; I remembered most of all that hysterical fit of weeping in her bedchamber when she must have felt the axe poised ready to descend on her defenseless neck. No wonder she had become young again.

What an example of the joys of single blessedness! For the first time in her life she was free. She said how happy she was to have me with her. We would sit together over our embroidery and she would talk to me of the Reformed Faith just as she did when Edward, Jane Grey and I were in the royal household. It was not such dangerous talk now for the Reformed Party was in the ascendant. Sometimes she mentioned Edward and shook her head over him. He was so young for such responsibility.

I replied that Edward was not allowed to have much responsibility. There were those who told him exactly what to do.

“Meaning Edward Seymour,” said my stepmother, her lips tightening a little.

“Who else?” I asked. “Who commands the King but his uncles and their family?”

“It is Lord Hertford—now the Duke of Somerset—who sets himself up as master of us all,” she replied. “And his wife would do the same if she could. I never could abide Anne Stanhope—a greedy, ambitious woman, highly suitable for Somerset, I dare swear. Oh, it is my lord Somerset who is our King now. I have always thought that my lord Admiral should share the responsibility of looking after the King. I am sure he would prefer Thomas to Edward Seymour.”

I agreed that he would.

My stepmother had grown pink with annoyance. She really did dislike the Duchess.

“Do you know,” she went on, “I verily believe the elder Seymours plan to marry their daughter to the King.”

“They would never do that,” I said. “He should have someone royal.”

“They say how interesting it would be to have another Jane Seymour as the Queen.”

“Jane Seymour the first was not so fortunate,” I cried. “She bore Edward but did not live to see him grow up.”

“Edward is very fond of Jane Grey,” said my stepmother tentatively. “She is such a clever, good girl.”

“Oh yes,” I replied with a touch of asperity, “she is a model of virtue.” I was a little tired of hearing of the brilliant scholastic attainments of Jane Grey. I could challenge her in that field, of course, but I could not match her saintliness and it was that which irritated me. Jane Grey has no spirit, I used to say.

My stepmother understood and laughed at me. “Edward thinks so, I am sure,” she said.

“I wish I could see him more often,” I went on. “I wish he would come here and we could all be as we used to be.”

“He is the King now, Elizabeth.”

“Well, why should he not live with the Dowager Queen?”

“If he were a little younger…”

“Everyone is saying if only he were a little older! Poor Edward, I don't think he is half as happy as he was when we were all together.”

And so we talked and very often I was tempted to tell her of Thomas Seymour's proposal and that I had seen fit to refuse him. But I never did. Something seemed to warn me to keep it to myself.

One evening Kat was seated at the window. It was dark and I was just on the point of retiring to bed. She stood up suddenly in a state of great excitement and cried: “My lady, I saw him!”

“Saw whom?” I demanded.

Her eyes were round with wonder as she whispered: “My Lord Admiral.”

“At this hour! I don't believe it.”

I was at the window. She went on whispering: “I thought he was going in at the main door, but he moved away—round to the side…”

“I believe you dream of the Admiral. Really, Kat, if Mr Ashley knew he could be jealous, and certainly very angry that his wife should talk in such an unseemly fashion of another man.”

“Oh, he would know it is not for me that the Admiral comes into the Palace.”

“And suppose it was the Admiral? For whom should he come sneaking into the Palace?”

“For one fair lady…my lady Elizabeth… whom one day I am going to call Her Majesty.”

“Kat, you are mad. If you talk so, you will find yourself lodged in the Tower one fine day. Have you no sense? How could you have seen him at this hour?”

“I would know him anywhere.”

“Let us wait and watch awhile. If he has come calling at this time of the evening, my stepmother will soon send him away. I'll swear it was one of the grooms you saw going round to the back of the Palace. You conjure up images of that man out of nothing.”

“My lady, did you ever see a groom who looked like my Lord Admiral?”

“No.”

“Then wait with me. He will come out in a moment. He will look longingly at your window. Perhaps he will climb the ivy. Shall we let him in, my lady?”

“Sometimes I wonder whether I am your governess not you mine. If it were known what a frivolous creature you are and the mischief in which you try to involve me, you would not stay a day longer in this household.”

“I'll try to be sober, my lady, but with such as you, with such a gallant admirer…it is not easy.”

We waited at the window for quite an hour but no one emerged.

I told Kat she had been carried away by her fancies.

THE WEEKS BEGAN to pass quickly. Spring had come and it was beautiful at Chelsea. I used to ride with a party in the fields and gallop along by the river. People came out to see me ride past. They would smile and curtsy and some shouted: “God Bless the Princess.” That was sweet music in my ears. The people's approval was very precious to me. I loved the sun on the river and the green fields. England! I thought. My country! To be Queen of England! I could ask no greater prize from life than that.

Once I met Thomas Seymour at Blandel's Bridge, which was also known as Bloody Bridge because it was the haunt of robbers who thought nothing of slitting a traveler's throat for the sake of his purse.

Thomas bowed low and gave me such a look that there could be no doubt of his feelings for me. I asked him if he was on his way to the Dormer Palace and he said that he was but since he had met me in the fields, might he be permitted to ride with me?

I knew this would be dangerous and if we were seen, which we almost certainly would be, it would give rise to gossip, and what if that reached the ears of the Council? So I haughtily refused permission. He bowed his head in submission and I whipped up my horse. I had thought he would pursue me. Surely that was what one would expect of a reckless admiral. But when I looked round he had disappeared.

I was tingling with excitement.

It was a few days later when my stepmother and I were seated over our needlework and she dismissed all her attendants so that we were alone together. She began to talk to me about her life in a strange sort of way, telling me things which I knew already.

“I am not an old woman,” she said, “and until now I feel that I have never been young. I was little more than a child when I was given in marriage to Lord Borough of Gainsborough. He seemed very old to me. His children were older than I. I was his nurse until he died. You would think, would you not, that I would have been allowed a free choice. But I was given to Lord Latimer. He, too, was elderly, and I was a wife and stepmother all at once. It seemed to be my fate… until now. I suppose I seem old to you, Elizabeth. You are so young. Imagine, not yet fourteen years old! Oh, I think back to the days when I was fourteen. I had my dreams. And then my first marriage. I was terrified, Elizabeth. Can you imagine a girl little more than a child to be given to an old man? But my Lord Borough was kind to me … so was Lord Latimer. I had my stepchildren but none of my own. It was something I longed for—a child of my own. And when Lord Latimer died I was thirty years old and I told myself, I am free.”

“Then you married my father.”

She nodded and I wondered afresh why she should be telling me this which I knew so well. There was a reason I was sure. She was leading to something which she was finding rather hard to tell me. I listened patiently.

“I thought,” she went on, “now I shall marry for love. There was one man, and I was not the only one who considered him the most attractive man at Court. There is really something rather magnificent about him. We would have been married. But the King chose me… and because of that Thomas had to leave Court.”

“Thomas,” I repeated.

She smiled tenderly. “Thomas Seymour and I were all but betrothed before my marriage to the King. But I became the Queen. Sometimes I dream of those years …” She shivered. “I have had dreams, Elizabeth.”

“I understand.”

“Nightmares when…”

“Please don't talk of it. It distresses you, my lady. I understand.”

“You know I came within a day of death.”

“Yes,” I said quietly.

“Only those who have undergone such a trial could know what that means. Perhaps with some it is different. They can face the axe… and some worse. To do it for one's faith I suppose would be different. There was Anne Askew. You remember her.”

“Yes. She was burned to death.”

My stepmother covered her face with her hands. “She was a saint, Elizabeth. I am not made of the stuff martyrs are made of.”

“Perhaps none of us knows what stuff we are made of until we are called on to face the supreme test.”

“You are a wise child. That is why I talk to you. I want you to know before it becomes common knowledge. I want you to understand.” She had lowered her hands and was looking at me. Now her emotions had completely changed. No longer was she looking back; she was looking forward, and the radiance had returned to her face. “I could not wait any longer,” she went on. “I was afraid, Elizabeth, that happiness would once more be snatched from me. I had to seize it and … he said we must. We would marry and tell afterward.”

“Marry! You cannot mean…”

She was laughing now. She looked lovely for she was a beautiful woman, particularly now that the little signs of age which had begun to appear when she was looking after my father and had lived in fear of losing her life seemed to have been wiped from her face. She looked almost like a girl.

“Yes,” she said, “Thomas and I were married secretly.”

“Thomas!”

“Thomas Seymour, Lord Sudeley. He always loved me… all the time I was married to the King. And I loved him, but of course we dared not show it. I was entirely faithful to the King. But as soon as I was free… Elizabeth, do you know, he asked me a week after the King's death.”

A week after the King's death! It must have been when Thomas Seymour had my own letter refusing him!

I felt numbed by the shock.

Oh the wickedness, the perfidy of men!

IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE for them to keep their marriage secret and there was great indignation among the Council, none being more incensed than the bridegroom's brother, Somerset. The marriage was an insult to the late King, it was said. What right had the Queen to marry so soon? Did she hope to foist the son of Lord Sudeley on the country as an heir to the throne? That would be an act of treason.

However it was soon clear that my stepmother was not pregnant.

Thomas had been clever in getting the consent of the young King to his marriage. I could imagine that scene. My little brother, who was quite overwhelmed by his magnificent and charming uncle, would readily give his consent to anything he asked; and although the Council, headed by Somerset, was infuriated by the insolence of the Admiral and what they called the reckless behavior of the Dowager Queen, they could not inflict punishment for something to which the King himself had given his consent. However, they could make life as uncomfortable as possible for the newly married pair.

In the first place Queen Katharine's jewels were confiscated. They were the property of the Crown, said Somerset. Thomas would not accept that, and Katharine, who would follow him in all things, declared her intention of fighting to keep them. They were very valuable, and Thomas, I was beginning to understand—though perhaps in my heart I had always known it— was rather fond of possessions. The Duchess of Somerset—whom my stepmother called “that odious Anne Stanhope”—refused to carry the Queen's train at ceremonies, a duty she had performed when Katharine had become the Queen. She declared she would not accord the same homage to her husband's younger brother's wife.

This was the beginning of the great animosity between the brothers. At the root of this was Thomas's determination to marry the King to Jane Grey while the Somersets coveted the role of Queen of England for their daughter Jane.

There was strife then in the Seymour family itself. Thomas did not care. He was one of the most reckless men I ever knew in the whole of my life.

Now that the marriage was acknowledged it meant that Thomas Seymour joined our household. I guessed this would prove to be a matter of some embarrassment to me. How should I feel living under the same roof as a man who had asked me to marry him and within a few days had proposed to my stepmother?

“Only a blatant adventurer would have done such a thing,” I said to Kat. “There is your fine gentleman!”

Kat was bitterly disappointed, but still she could see no wrong in the Admiral. I told her she was a very stupid woman and I gave her a slap or two during those few days after I had received the news. It relieved my feelings. She had talked of him constantly; she had made me think of him and see him as the handsome hero of romance.

I called him “The Buccaneer of the Bedchamber,” which amused Kat.

I said: “After all he has done, after the way in which he has deceived my stepmother, you still talk about him as though he were a god.”

“There is no one like him at Court,” insisted Kat. “He is indeed a man.”

I wanted to be alone to think about him, yet I wished I could get him out of my thoughts, but I could not dismiss him as easily as I wished. If he had not been so good-looking, so commanding, so light-hearted and amusing, I could have hated him. But if I showed my fury that would indicate that I cared enough to be angry. I must not show my feelings. What effect that would have on a man such as he was, I could well imagine. He believed himself to be so attractive that whatever he did he could never be anything but irresistible.

Kat told me that Thomas Parry wanted to talk to me. Sir Thomas Parry and Kat were the best of friends, I think largely because they were both inveterate gossips. John Ashley was quite different, far more sober than either of them, and much cleverer. I often wondered why he had fallen in love with Kat, but perhaps it was because she was so different from himself.

Tom Parry looked rather sly; his lips were pressed together as though the words were ready to tumble out and he was trying to restrain them in order to savor the full effect they would have on me.

I said impatiently: “Come on, Thomas, what is it?”

“My lady, this news…it has been a shock to us all.”

A shock? Had it? I thought of the Admiral's nocturnal visits to the Palace. It must have been he whom Kat had seen skulking round to the back on that night. Forestalling his marriage, no doubt, the rogue.

“Come, Parry, you have not asked me to see you to tell me that.”

“He took the Queen, my lady. But I think he would rather it were the Princess.”

“What Princess?”

“My lady Elizabeth herself.”

“Stop talking of me as though I am not here. What is it you have to say? Say it quickly and stop hedging.”

“It was the day after the King's death, my lady. The Admiral came to me …” He hesitated.

“Came to you? For what purpose?”

“He wished for a detailed account of your possessions and felt I was the one to give it.”

“I see,” I said. “Why was I not told?”

“The Admiral made me swear secrecy, my lady.”

“Oh, I see. You serve him, do you? I thought you were my servant.”

“I am, my lady, with all my heart, but I thought it could only mean that he was seriously contemplating matrimony with you and that seemed a great and marvelous thing.”

“And you think my possessions satisfied him then?”

“He seemed as satisfied with them as he is with your person.”

“I suppose you and that gossip-monger Kat Ashley think I should feel honored to be so well endowed by my late father that I can attract the attention of the Admiral?”

“Kat Ashley and I agreed that he was as enamored of you as your possessions.”

“Master Parry, have you ever wondered what it would be like to occupy a cell in the Tower?”

“My lady!”

“Look to it,” I said. “You may discover one day. You should be more cautious and guard well your tongue. You are a simpleton, Tom Parry—and Kat Ashley with you.”

I went out for I could bear no more. He had weighed up my possessions, considered them worthy of his attention and then proposed marriage. When I had refused he had immediately gone to the next on the list.

Was that not enough to infuriate any woman particularly when—it had better be confessed—she had quite a fancy for the handsome philandering rogue?

I could see that I had betrayed my feelings too much. I had not yet mastered the trick of hiding them. Parry had gone straight to Kat and I was sure he would tell her that I was angry because of the marriage and had secretly wanted Thomas Seymour for myself.

They were a pair of scandalmongers and I was often exasperated with them both. But they so obviously loved me, and I believe I was more important to them than anyone else; and for that reason I could never be annoyed with them for long. Sometimes I trembled for their lack of wisdom. How right I was soon became clear.

MY SISTER MARY wrote to me asking if I would like to leave the household of the Dowager Queen and Thomas Seymour for she was sure that to live with those who had conducted such a misalliance would be distasteful to me.

Mary was at Wanstead whither she had come from Norfolk. She was seventeen years older than I and therefore must be much wiser. She was, however, a very firm upholder of the Catholic Faith, and her desire to see it again established in England clouded her judgment and from time to time put her in considerable danger. I knew that she was horrified by the attitude of the Council toward religion for now they were mainly supporters of the Reformed Faith she considered anathema. Edward himself had always inclined strongly toward it, so I could see that I must on no account set myself beside her, for if there was later to be a choice of religion I must be free to take whichever course would help me best. I had long decided that preoccupation with the method of worshipping was not so important as faith itself and I did not intend to become involved in it or committed to any doctrine to my detriment.

I knew Mary well enough to understand that she would want the throne, not for her own aggrandizement, but for the opportunity of bringing England back to Rome. I could see great dangers for the realm in that determination, but I knew that devout Catholics—among them men like Gardiner—would agree wholeheartedly with Mary.

Thomas Seymour had written to my stepsister asking her to give her blessing on his marriage to Katharine Parr and Mary was very angry. He had written as though the marriage had not taken place, but she knew very well that the Queen was already his wife for she had her spies to keep her informed. She considered the marriage outrageous—in fact almost criminal because our father was so recently dead. How could Katharine have so quickly forgotten her husband? she would ask. I could understand Katharine's need. I had seen her terror under my father's rule and I knew of the irresistible—or almost—wiles of the Admiral. Perhaps I was more worldly than my sister even though she was seventeen years older. Perhaps I understood our stepmother's desire for marriage as Mary never could.

She had extended this invitation to me. I was so young, she wrote. It was wicked to submit me to such an embarrassing and unfortunate situation. I could come and stay with her for as long as I wished.

Life with Mary, my pious sister! I imagined it. Prayers! Morning, mid-day, afternoon and evening… and no doubt in between! “My dear sister, I am going to instruct you in the ways of truth …” I was fond of Mary in some ways. She had been remarkably kind to me despite my mother's displacement of her own. Oh, but I could not bear to be in her household. Whereas here I was at Chelsea with the stepmother to whom I was devoted, with my tutors, with this pleasant easy-going household… and the Admiral. If I were honest I must admit that I was looking forward to some encounters with that plausible and fascinating man.

But I must not offend Mary and I should have to pen my refusal very carefully. Mary could easily be Queen for I had heard secretly that the King's health was certainly not improving since he had come to the throne. Mary Queen…a Catholic country again! I must indeed tread very warily. But on one point I had made up my mind. I was not going to leave the exciting place Chelsea had become.

I wrote several drafts. Words were so important, and the wrong ones could wreak irretrievable damage. I began by deploring the marriage. It was as abhorrent to me as it was to her, but I did feel that my sudden departure from Chelsea might create a difficult situation. There was a powerful party guiding the King, and the Protector was a Seymour. My position was not very safe, nor, I reminded her, was hers. We had to walk very carefully in these dangerous times. Moreover our royal father had appointed Katharine Parr as my guardian and to leave her would be going against his expressed wish. I knew my good sister would understand my feelings and much as I should enjoy being with her, I felt that my place was in the household of my stepmother—in spite of this unfortunate marriage.

I was rather pleased with that. It was my first real lesson in diplomacy.

I was looking forward with great excitement to the future.

SOON AFTER MY fourteenth birthday the household moved to Hunsdon. I was really finding life very stimulating. Learning was always a great pleasure to me and I spent a lot of time with my books, but there was a certain time for frolicking; and it was really a most unusual household because Thomas Seymour was part of it.

I was amazed at first to find that I could forgive him for his mercenary actions and for going at once to my stepmother when I had refused him. After all, I reasoned, he had asked me first. That, said my wiser self, was because you had the hope of a crown. You are not without means either.

No. But Katharine was richer, and he still asked me first, retorted the foolish romantic part of me.

I felt impatient with myself. That was Kat Ashley's reasoning.

The truth was that Thomas was an adventurer, a lovable, charming man but an adventurer. He watched me closely and sought opportunities for being with me. When he could, he would come upon me alone. That was what he liked best. He would touch my hair and comment on its brightness; sometimes his hand strayed to my throat. He was always ready to seize opportunities and I knew that if ever I gave him one he would take it with both hands. He wooed me in a way with his eyes and his gestures; and even when my stepmother was present he would keep up a bantering conversation—in which she would join—and I wondered why she could not see what his intentions were. He flirted blatantly with me and then he would pretend that I was only a child and that was why he behaved as he did; and she seemed to take that for truth. Fourteen is not too young for a girl to take a lover. That was what he wanted, I knew. That was his intention all the time.

Kat noticed it and giggled about it. She made whispered conspiratorial comments when we were alone. I really do believe that if I had been agreeable she would have helped me make clandestine arrangements with him. Kat wanted excitement all the time and she never gave any heed to what the consequences might be. As for myself I must admit that I was enjoying these situations. It occurred to me that it could not have been better. I did not want to marry and place myself in danger and possibly jeopardize my chances of taking the crown. What I wanted was to have all the fun of courtship without coming to the usual climax. In fact I wanted to be in a constant state of being wooed, and never won.

And this was what life was offering me.

Thomas enjoyed it too, for marriage was quite out of the question. Wasn't he married already? Unable to get the Princess, he had taken the Queen. He was enamored of me. There was no doubt of that. I supposed there must be some fascination in seducing a royal virgin for a man who has become blasé in his amours. He was always teasing me and he would make Katharine join in and she seemed to think it was delightful that her husband should be so fond of me. I was like a daughter, she said. In fact she had always thought of herself as my mother rather than my stepmother.

And so we went on during the autumn days of that year which had begun with the death of my father.

Jane Grey had become part of our household. She joined me in the schoolroom. I was not really jealous of her scholastic attainments. Mine were more than enough for any tutor to marvel at and Jane was inclined to hide her light under a bushel while I let mine blaze forth like the midday sun. It was true. Jane was quiet and retiring, almost apologizing for her very existence; whereas I was growing more imperious every day, blossoming under Thomas Seymour's admiration.

I was a little annoyed when he showed too much attention to Jane. He never actually flirted with her. Thomas was too clever for that. Jane might not have understood his meaning but she would have been horrified if she did. It seemed to me that Thomas showed a different side of himself to us all. He was the loving and tender husband to Katharine; he was benignly avuncular with Jane; and to me he was the reckless adventurer who was ready to risk everything for a smile—and more if he could get it—from me.

I laughed at him. I was very contented. I had become wise enough to know that this was the best way of enjoying his company.

Kat knew exactly why he wanted Jane Grey under our roof.

“She is destined for our little King,” she said. “Thomas will get his revenge on his brother who is putting forward his own daughter Jane. But it is our Thomas who has the King's ear and I'll swear King Edward will go the way Uncle Thomas wants him to.”

“He is a very scheming man,” I said severely.

“Bless him. Let him be. He's the most handsome gentleman at Court…or at any court, I might say. He is charming to all, and men like that should be forgiven their sins.”

Such a state of affairs could not continue. I should have known that. The Admiral was growing more and more reckless and I was becoming more and more fascinated. It surprised me that, loving my stepmother as I did, I could have indulged, to the extent I did, in this covert if innocent relationship with her husband; but his admiration was so stimulating and our teasing meetings gave a spice to my days. Moreover there was Kat to giggle with. She made up fantastic and titillating stories about the Admiral and myself, and I would lie in my bed and listen to them while we laughed together. I knew that I was in a dangerous situation, but life would have lost its savor if that danger had been entirely removed.

I was growing out of childhood. Less than a year ago I had not thought of the possibility of wearing a crown; and in addition the most fascinating man at Court was enamored of me. I was after all only just fourteen, so I have the excuse of youth to offer.

We were approaching a climax. Perhaps it began on that day when I had my new dress. It was a black velvet which Kat said was a little old for my years. But I adored it. It made my white skin look whiter and it seemed to set my hair on fire by its very contrast. It was low-cut and I looked at least two years older in it. I longed to see Thomas's face when he beheld me in it. The dress was a kind of challenge. You can't pretend I'm a child anymore, it said.

I tried it on one afternoon and preened before Kat.

“You look like a queen already,” was her comment. “My word, you're going to be a haughty one. We shall all have to look to our heads when the great day comes.”

“Stop your nonsense, Kat,” I commanded.

At which she fell onto her knees and in mocking fashion raised her eyes imploringly to my face. I burst out laughing. “Kat, you are the most foolish woman I ever knew.”

“Fools are often loved more than the wise,” she replied. “Perhaps that is why my mistress loves me. But I love her even more dearly and we all know she is the wisest creature in all Christendom.”

“Get up, idiot,” I said, “and tell me whether my skirt hangs correctly.”

She scrambled to her feet and arranged the folds of my dress with loving care.

“You look wonderful,” she whispered. “But not my little girl anymore. Why, see who has come into the garden. My lord and lady. He is looking at her most tenderly. See how she leans on his arm.”

I looked with Kat. There they were walking together, looking loverlike, his arm through hers. He was saying something and she was smiling up at him. He looked as magnificent as ever.

“The peacock!” said Kat indulgently. “Look at his jewels! Those rubies must have cost a fortune. The dear Queen looks drab beside him, does she not? The peahen to his peacock.” Her eyes sparkled with mischief. “Are you going down to show them your gown?”

That was just what I was planning to do. I turned to Kat and we laughed together.

“Let us see what the naughty man has to say of your gown,” said Kat.

I did not need to be persuaded.

When he saw me approaching, the Admiral bowed ironically and my stepmother smiled at me.

“What has happened to the Lady Elizabeth?” said Thomas in a voice of wonder. “Do you see what she is wearing, Katharine? Do you allow your stepdaughter to dress up as a lady of mature years while she is yet a child?”

“Pray do not talk nonsense,” I said. “I am past fourteen.”

“Oh, is that so?” said Thomas, opening his eyes very wide. “I don't like the dress, do you, Katharine? Do you think it is a little er…revealing?”

Katharine said: “It is very becoming, Elizabeth. It does make you look older though. Thomas really likes it. He is only teasing.”

Only teasing! He came close to me and would have laid his hands on me, but I eluded him and went to my stepmother. I was suddenly a little frightened. There was a purpose in his eyes which alarmed me. Their brilliance was disconcerting; he put out his tongue a little and licked his lips. His eyes seemed to burn right through me.

“I wanted to know how you liked my gown,” I said, looking intently at my stepmother. “Kat, like you, thought it was becoming but a little too old for me.”

“I suppose she is right, dear,” agreed my stepmother. “But you have to grow up one day, don't you? Pray do not do so too quickly.”

“It is no use pleading with the Lady Elizabeth,” said Thomas. “She will have her own way, and if she says she will grow up quickly, she will endeavor to do so, unless…”

I regarded him coolly but my heart began to hammer against my bodice and I wondered if he noticed.

“Unless what, my lord?” I challenged.

He came close to me… There was a look of such intense desire in his gleaming eyes that I thought my stepmother must surely be aware of it. “Unless,” he said, “we stop her.”

I held my head high. I was enjoying this. I had rarely felt so excited and because my stepmother was present I felt safe.

“Pray do not attempt to do that,” I said.

Then he did an extraordinary thing. He took the jeweled dagger from his belt and, holding it up, pointed it toward me.

“Thomas!” cried my stepmother in amazement.

“This child must be taught a lesson. What say you, Katharine. Shall we allow her to command us, eh?”

I moved close to my stepmother. He approached and picking up my voluminous skirt he slit it from hem to waist.

There was a silence which seemed to go on for a long time. My stepmother and I were too astonished to move. Then I heard him laugh and he went on cutting my skirt. Then his hands were on the bodice. If he had attempted to cut that, he might have cut me. I felt his hands tugging at it and then it was torn down the front and it fell away from my shoulders. I was exposed in my petticoats.

“Help me, Katharine,” he said. “We will show this wayward daughter of ours. I am going to cut this gown into ribbons and nothing will stop me.”

The Queen was laughing. She said: “Oh Thomas, you take your games too far.”

“Come, Katharine, hold her,” he commanded.

She put her arms about me holding me tightly and I allowed myself to stand still while he finished his work on the dress. An irresistible excitement possessed me.

“You…you…” I panted. “You have ruined my dress!”

“And shown you what I feel,” he said. “We have done that, haven't we, Katharine?”

“You are such a boy, Thomas,” she said.

“You have ruined my dress,” I repeated in mock anger. “You will have to pay for a new one.”

“Most willingly and I will make sure that it is of my liking.”

I think my stepmother must have become aware of watching eyes from the window.

“Elizabeth,” she said, “you are half naked. You had better go in at once. What will they think?”

“They will think that I am a man who will have his way,” said Thomas, and I am ashamed to say that the ambiguity of his words was thrilling to me.

“Not with me,” I said; then realizing that my stepmother was right and I could not remain in the gardens thus, I turned away and ran across the lawns into the Palace.

Kat was waiting for me, agog with excitement. She had, of course, seen it all.

SOON AFTER THAT INCIDENT my stepmother told me that she was expecting a child. She was so happy but I felt a great pity for her as well as the tenderness she always aroused in me. I could not help wondering whether she was aware of the manner of man she had married. She did not appear to be, and it struck me that she deliberately closed her eyes to his true character. What did she think of his flirtation with me? She called it “teasing” as though it was the kind of behavior which was natural between an indulgent parent and a stepdaughter of whom he was fond. How could she have been so blind?

That disgraceful scene in the garden was the beginning of the change in our relationship. It was almost as though he was telling me that he had finished with the preliminary stages, the foreplay, of his courtship of me. He was clever; he knew that I was aware of his intentions and he also knew that my feelings for him were far from indifferent.

We were in a highly dangerous situation. If he reached the climax toward which he was moving, he would do more than endanger his marriage, he could commit a crime against the State. I was no longer merely the bastard daughter of the King. Under the late King's will, I was in line to the throne if anything happened to Edward, and if Thomas carried out his intention, which was surely seduction, that could be treason and he could lose his head. Did he know this? Of course he did, but danger was the breath of life to him. He was reckless by nature, ambitious and confident. What was he thinking of, besides seducing me? I was not so simple as to believe his plans did not go beyond that. To marry me? To share a throne with me? But he had a wife. Wives could be removed. I sometimes wished I did not possess such a logical mind.

What amazed me about myself was that knowing this … being fully aware of the ruthless ambition of this man, I could still be fascinated by him and want him to go on pursuing me.

I used to lie in my bed sometimes and think of him under the same roof.

Kat Ashley slept in my bedroom. I was glad of that, for much as I enjoyed these amorous skirmishes with him, I did not share his desire to bring them to the usual conclusion. I would preserve my virginity until I was absolutely certain that to relinquish it would not impede my climb to power. Therefore I needed protection from assault, and if I could be sure of that, I was very happy to continue with the game.

One early morning I was awakened by the sound of stealthy footsteps and the door of my bedchamber was slowly opened. Thomas! I thought and looked for Kat who was not there. She must be with my other ladies as it was nearly time for me to rise. I thought of running to the adjoining chamber but it was too late.

The bedcurtains had parted and Thomas stood there in his nightgown and slippers. He was smiling down at me. I gasped and sitting up pulled the bedclothes up to my chin.

“My lord,” I cried. “How dare you!”

“There is nothing I would not dare for the Lady Elizabeth,” he said.

“Go away. My ladies will see you.”

“They will see a fond stepfather coming in to say good-morning to his little stepdaughter.”

“Surely it is customary to dress in a fitting fashion before doing so.”

“Are you and I concerned with what is fitting, my adorable red-headed Elizabeth?”

“Go at once. I will not tolerate such…”

“Loving attention,” he finished. “And how will you stop me? Don't you think you have played your reluctant game long enough?”

“I do not understand you, my lord.”

“Then I will enlighten you.” And with that he leaped onto my bed and grasped me in his arms. He kissed me full on the lips in a manner which bewildered me, and I felt I ought to scream for help and yet…I did not want to. On the other hand I was afraid because I had no intention of letting any man dominate me.

“Thomas!” The door had opened and my stepmother stood there.

Thomas was in complete command of the situation, and it occurred to me then that he must have had practice in extricating himself from similar predicaments.

He turned to smile at her. “Look at this child, Katharine. She is in an ill temper this morning and refused to say good-morning politely to her stepfather. I looked in to say it and she glares at me and spits like a wild cat. What shall we do to punish her? Come, Katharine, help me.”

With which he began to tickle me until I screamed for mercy, but I knew I was safe because of my stepmother's presence. He insisted that she join with him which she did and we were all laughing together until we were exhausted.

“Really, Thomas,” said my stepmother. “You behave like a schoolboy.”

He tried to look suitably boyish, and it was only when his eyes met mine that I saw the familiar gleam in them. It was the gleam of passion, not contrition for his behavior.

How long could it go on? I asked myself. Why did my stepmother not see it? But perhaps she did and deceived herself. People were like that. They did refuse to see what they did not want to.

KAT SAID TO ME: “Mr Ashley is most disturbed.”

“And why?” I asked.

“He says the Admiral's conduct toward you is unseemly.”

“And what did you say to that?”

“I said he was a gallant gentleman and you were a very beautiful young lady and so… these things happen.”

“And what then?”

“He had heard of the cutting of the gown.”

“Which you told him doubtless, as you saw it. Do you think I did not know that you were watching from the window?”

“Well, that was mentioned and the romping in the bed chamber.”

“My stepmother was there… she joined in the romp.”

“Poor lady! But Mr Ashley says it is my duty to speak to the Admiral. I should put myself in the right, he says.”

“What does he mean?”

“Mr Ashley is a very serious gentleman. He would always know what should be done.”

“Well, are you going to speak to the Admiral?”

“I am afraid Mr Ashley insists that I do. But if you forbade me to…”

“I would not presume to come between a husband and his wife.”

“Only when it is a handsome Admiral,” said Kat; and got her face slapped for her insolence. But she was accustomed to my sudden onslaughts, and they were quickly forgotten.

I was very interested to hear what the Admiral would say to Kat and demanded she give an account of the interview.

“He looked so handsome,” she said. “He was in purple velvet, and he has the most well-turned legs I ever saw on a man.”

“We know full well what the Admiral looks like. It is his words I am interested in.”

“He seemed surprised when I told him that people were whispering about what was happening between you and him, my lady. He said: ‘How so? Is she not as a daughter to me?' I mentioned the rompings and he said, ‘May not a man joke with his stepdaughter?' I told him that Mr Ashley was of the opinion that it was dangerous for the Princess Elizabeth to be involved in such scandals, and he said that the Princess was a child and had a fondness for childish games and jokes and he and the Queen were only indulging in these to amuse her. He said they wanted you to be happy in your home. That was why they lived simply at Chelsea. He and the Queen had no thought but for your good. He spoke so beautifully and he was so kind to me. He said if I heard any more ill-natured talk I should tell him who was responsible for it. He knew that I was his friend and that I would always speak well of him with you. It was just a display of fatherly affection, and I am sure Mr Ashley will be satisfied with his reply.”

“Kat,” I said, “I love you but there are times when I think you one of the most foolish women I ever knew.”

She looked at me roguishly. “Go on with you,” she said. “You will have your jokes.”

IT WAS INEVITABLE that the time must come when even Thomas would not be able to go on deceiving his wife. One afternoon when the household was quiet, I had gone into one of the small chambers to read a book which William Grindal had given me to study.

I had not been there long when I heard the sound of stealthy footsteps outside the room. Experience had taught me to guess who was coming. He must have seen me enter the room and had come after me. I was faintly alarmed for we were in a rather isolated part of the palace, but that overwhelming excitement was taking possession of me. This time there was fear with it.

I stood up clutching the book against my bodice as he entered.

“Ha,” he said. “I've caught you.”

“My lord,” I stammered, “please go. I have to read this book. It is a lesson for Mr Grindal.”

“I have lessons to teach you which are more important than those within Mr Grindal's scope,” he said, and with that he was beside me. “Caught!” he went on. “Do you know, we are alone now. Isn't it time we stopped this game of feigned reluctance?”

“It is not feigned,” I said.

“We shall see.”

He had seized me, and I was aware of the strength of the man and my own vulnerability. I wanted to fight him off and yet I did not. He had slipped my bodice from my shoulders.

“No, no!” I screamed, for something within me told me that this must go no farther. And yet on the other hand a part of me was hoping that it would.

I was saved by my stepmother, and was often in the years to come to thank God and my good fortune for her timely arrival, though at that moment I wanted to fade away in my shame.

She stood in the doorway, her dear good face creased with unhappiness. Her body was unwieldy now because she was about six months with child. She must have been suspicious of all that romping, the cut dress, the tickling, the boisterous games. Perhaps she could no longer go on pretending to herself and must at last accept her philandering husband for what he was. In any case she had caught him now… and me with him.

All my desire for the Admiral faded. I felt sick and wretched and overcome with shame. How could we have hurt her, she who had shown us nothing but loving kindness? She cried: “Thomas!” and there was a world of misery in her voice.

I stood before her, my face flaming red. He was silent. There was nothing he could answer now. I tried to pull my dress back over my shoulders.

She said: “Elizabeth, I think you had better leave us now.”

I tried to look at her pleadingly, but she would not meet my gaze; she was looking at me with such utter sadness that I thought it would haunt me forever more.

“Go,” she said to me, and the coldness in her voice made me want to weep.

I went to my room. I lay on my bed. Kat came to me and tried to question me. Angrily I dismissed her. I felt sick and ill. My head was aching violently. That was the beginning of the headaches which were to plague me for the next few years. I believe they were brought about by my extreme distress.

I lay there, hating the Admiral, but most of all hating myself.

IT WAS SOME HOURS before my stepmother sent for me. She was very composed but completely aloof.

“I think,” she said, “that you should prepare to leave at once. You realize that you can no longer stay under this roof.”

I hung my head. I could not bear to see the pain in her face.

“You will need to make ready for your departure. I wish you to be gone by the end of the week. I would speak with Mistress Ashley. You will go to Sir Anthony Cheshunt. You may be his guest until it is decided what residence is best for you.”

“My lady, you have been so good to me.”

She held up her hand to silence me. “I wish you to go as quickly and quietly as possible. I will speak to your governess. Pray ask Jane Grey to come to me now.”

She was not like my dear stepmother. She was a remote stranger now. I could understand the misery she was enduring and it grieved me doubly to know that I was partly the cause of it.

I left her and sent Jane Grey to her. Then I conveyed the message to Kat and told her that the Queen wished to see her.

Kat came back to me, red-faced and in a mood of depression.

“What has happened to my lady?” she asked. “She has never spoken to me thus before. She accused me of not taking good care of you. She said I have allowed you to behave with levity and in a manner unbecoming to a princess and that I have neglected my duty. We are to leave immediately, as soon as we can be ready to depart. What does it mean?”

“You may well ask,” I said angrily. “You know the Admiral has shown some fondness for me.”

“Who does not know that? Coming into your bedchamber indeed! So that is it!”

“Yes,” I said, “that is it. The Queen came into the little chamber and found me in his arms.”

Kat's mouth fell open and she regarded me with horror.

“Don't stare at me like that!” I shouted. “You know… You encouraged him.”

“Oh no, my lady. I—didn't want it to get to that!”

“Go away, Kat,” I said, and as I turned my head I saw Thomas Parry standing in the room. Unable to curb his curiosity he had come to see why the Dowager Queen had sent for Kat.

“Go away, both of you!” I cried.

They went out and I put my hands to my throbbing head and wept.

I FELT BETTER at Cheshunt but I was wondering all the time what was happening at Sudeley Castle where my stepmother had gone to await the birth of her child. The Admiral was with her. I wondered what he had told her about that encounter with me, how he had explained the lover-like embrace? I had no doubt that he would have done his plausible best to talk himself out of a distressing situation; but somehow I did not believe that even he would be able to do it this time.

Being Katharine Parr she would not upbraid him publicly and would doubtless try to give the impression that all was well with them. She was not going to give Anne Stanhope the chance of rejoicing in her humiliation. There was something else too. In making advances to me, Thomas was not only committing a moral offense; in view of my position his actions could be a crime against the State. Katharine would be well aware of that. She loved him truly, I believed, and whatever sins he committed she would never place him…or me for that matter…in danger.

I tried to imagine what their lives would be like at Sudeley Castle. At least, I thought, if she is thoroughly disillusioned with her husband, she has the child, and I knew how desperately she had always wanted to have a child of her own. I prayed that she would have a successful confinement and that the child would bring her that joy which Thomas and I with our reckless behavior had snatched from her.

I began to feel a little easier. I was beginning to see what a lucky escape I had had, and lying in my bed night after night I warned myself that never again must I permit myself to indulge in such folly just for the sake of temporary sensations of pleasure. I made that vow to myself then.

The sad death of my tutor William Grindal took my mind off my stepmother for a time. I had been fond of him and he had been such a good mentor to me; but to my great joy Roger Ascham begged for the post and his request was granted. He was so delighted with me. He told me that my French and Italian were as good as my English; and that if I could not converse quite as well in Greek as I could in Latin, that too would come with practice. We read all of Cicero together and a great deal of Livy, and each morning we would spend some hours studying the Greek Testament and Sophocles. I could scarcely wait to get to my books, and it was as it had been when Edward, Jane Grey and I had vied with each other over our lessons. Moreover Master Ascham had a love of music which rivaled my own so this was an additional joy. I discovered to my gratification that he said he had never known such learning in a person of my age and that it was one of the greatest pleasures he could ever know to instruct me.

So, gradually, I began to think less of what was happening to the Queen and the Admiral. Lessons with Roger Ascham, and lighter moments with my beloved Kat, helped time begin to pass tolerably well.

August was turning toward September and I was again thinking of Katharine. This was the time when the child should be born.

“We must have news soon,” I said to Kat.

I was right. A few days later we had a visitor at Cheshunt. It was a servant of the Admiral whom I remembered as Edward. I saw him coming and hurried down to the hall to hear what he had come to tell, and I knew at once from his melancholy countenance that it was not good.

“Oh Edward,” I cried. “How is my lady? What of the child?”

“The Queen gave birth to a fair daughter,” he said. “My lady Elizabeth, I have grievous news of the Queen.”

“She is dead,” I said slowly.

He nodded. “My lord is a sorrowful man.”

“Oh Edward,” I said, weeping, “not the good Queen my friend. How was it? I pray and trust she did not suffer.”

“She suffered greatly, my lady. But the child is well. We thought that my lady's joy in the child would restore her quickly to health. But seven days later… that was the end.”

I could not speak. I could only remember that the last time I had seen her, she had ordered me to leave her house. I was overcome with sorrow and remorse. Sorrow for my loss in her whom I had loved, remorse that I had given her cause for grief.

I bade the servants look after Edward and I went to my room. I pulled the curtains about my bed and lay down with a heavy heart.

SOON I HEARD the whole story from Kat. She had managed to prize it from Edward, the messenger. I was shaken with further remorse, and into my sorrow for the death of my stepmother there crept a certain uneasiness akin to fear.

“The Admiral was with her at the end,” said Kat. “He was most tender and loving and did all he could to make the Queen comfortable. And when the child was born…a girl… and you know how he wanted a boy, and indeed astrologers had all told him that he would have a boy…he showed no anger and declared that though he had prayed for a boy, now that he had this girl she was exactly what he had wanted. The Queen was grievously ill, but it was thought that now she had her child she would get better quickly. But she did not. She wandered in her mind. Lady Tyrwhit was with her and she saw and heard it all. The Queen seemed to have lost her love for the Admiral and she cried out to Lady Tyrwhit, ‘I am most unhappy because those whom I have loved love me not. They mock at me. They laugh at my love. They wait for my death so that they may be with others. The more good I do to them, the less good they do to me.'”

I shivered. “Did she really say that to Lady Tyrwhit?”

“She did indeed, my lady. There were witnesses. The Admiral was quite put out and said she wandered in her mind. He sat on the bed beside her but she shrank from him as though she feared he might do her some harm. ‘I shall die,’ said the Queen. ‘I have no wish to live.’ The Admiral talked of their child, but she turned away from him.”

“I do not believe this, Kat,” I said. “She loved him dearly.”

“That was before…”

“Be silent, Kat.”

“Yes, my lady,” said Kat meekly.

After a while she went on: “My lady, should you not write a letter of condolence to my lord Admiral?”

“Do you think he needs condolence, Kat?”

“It is the custom and it would show correctness.”

I could not shut out of my mind the thought of him as he had looked at me in the chamber. And his wife Katharine had seen that! What had those weeks been like while she waited for the birth of her child, the child of her faithless husband? Condolence? How much had he ever really cared for Katharine Parr?

“No,” I said firmly. “I will write no letter of condolence because I do not think he needs it.”

“I shall write to him then,” she said and waited for me to forbid it; but I did not. Let her write or what she wished.

She did and I allowed the letter to be sent.

THE WEEKS PASSED. Rumor abounded and it chiefly concerned the Admiral and myself.

It was widely believed that now his wife was dead, the Admiral would marry me. I was not at all sure how I felt about that. If the Council gave their consent, perhaps there would be no reason why the marriage should not take place. Sometimes I was rather inclined to romanticize about that prospect. On the other hand, I drew back; I had no desire to be dominated by a man. I preferred those little skirmishes, those approaches and timely retreats. It seemed to me that while they persisted, it was the woman who was in control; it was she who said no. Once she had said yes, it would appear that she gave up her power and submitted. Look at my dear stepmother who had given her heart so freely. It was a battle between the sexes, and I was beginning to realize that I was of a nature which preferred conquest to being conquered.

And yet… the Admiral was a very exciting man.

If only I were a little older. Fifteen is really very young, and a knowledge of Greek and Latin does not help one to solve the problems which arise between a man and a woman.

Kat was excited.

“He keeps on the Queen's household,” she whispered. “Perhaps he wishes to have that ready and waiting for his new bride.”

“Methinks she would want to choose her own,” I said curtly.

“Oh yes…in time, but just at first…”

“You talk as though a new marriage is imminent.”

“Who shall say?” said Kat dreamily.

I knew that she and Parry gossiped constantly. Mr Ashley tried to curb his wife's chatter, but who could stop Kat? If I could not, no one could.

Parry even had the temerity to ask me whether, if the Council approved, I would marry the Admiral.

I hesitated for a second or two. I knew I must speak with caution even in my own household, so I said: “When the time comes to pass, I shall do as God shall put into my mind.”

“The Admiral will surely ask for you, my lady,” went on Parry. “I know that the matter is on his mind for he has spoken to me, as your cofferer, of your estate and possessions and the number of persons you keep in your household and of their cost to you.”

“He seems to take a great account of these matters,” I said coldly.

“He does indeed, my lady, and he is pleased that you are to have three thousand pounds a year as arranged in your father's estate. He asked so many questions about your lands and whether they were on lease or whether you had them for the term of your life that he must indeed be serious. I told him that these were matters beyond my knowledge.”

I was silent. The Admiral is a rogue, I thought. But I had always known that. Had I not seen him with my stepmother? And I knew what his plans were for me.

I would be wise to have nothing to do with the man.

“There is one other matter, my lady,” went on Parry. “The Admiral has asked me to suggest to you that you write a letter to his brother's wife. She has a great influence with her husband, and the Admiral thinks it would be an excellent idea if you sought her friendship. He has it in mind that you might be successful in persuading her—and through her, her husband—that you have a great eagerness for a marriage with the Admiral.”

“I do not believe he said that, Parry,” I said angrily.

“By my faith he did, Madam.”

“Then,” I retorted with indignation, “you may tell him that I will do no such thing.”

I dismissed him, feeling very uneasy. I wondered how much he knew of what had happened. That Kat Ashley was very well informed I had no doubt, and of course she could never stop her tongue wagging.

I SENT FOR HER.

“What have you told Parry?” I demanded. “Do you often speak of me?”

“My lady, he was in the household. He would have seen much for himself.”

I gripped her arm so hard that she winced. “But you have tattled,” I said. “You have told him, have you not, why we left the Queen's household so hurriedly?”

“Well, my lady, he asked so many questions…”

“And you told him! That was traitorous to me.”

“My lady, he would never tell. I made him swear secrecy and he said that if he were torn asunder by wild horses, he would never tell a soul.”

I dropped her arm, but my fear deepened. “There are times,” I said, “when I am uneasy about the Admiral. And all to do with him.”

“No need to be, my lady. He is a lovely gentleman. Parry and I agree that there is no other man in the world we would want for you.”

I was very unsure. The handsome gentleman did not have the same charm for me when he was absent. Then I could see all manner of dangers arising from my association with him. And as he seemed as equally interested in my possessions as in myself, I had no doubt that these possessions included a possible crown of England. I knew I had to tread very warily.

DURING THE NEXT WEEKS I was to realize as I never had before how many awesome dangers lie in wait for those who have a claim, however slim, to the crown.

It was a cold day in January when I was at Hatfield that I heard Thomas Seymour had been arrested. I retired to my room; I could not stop shivering and my head was aching so violently that I had to lie down. Kat came to me and lay on the bed with me and we talked of the Admiral.

Kat said: “It is that brother of his. He was always jealous because the Admiral is so much more handsome and popular.”

I answered: “Methinks the Admiral is not without envy of his brother either. But watch your tattle, Kat. It can be dangerous now… more so than ever.”

I think even Kat realized that.

We learned what charges had been brought against him. Indeed he had played a very reckless game. I knew he had always wanted to get command of the King and to marry him to Jane Grey, who would be as meek as young Edward; they would have been perfect puppets in the hands of Thomas Seymour who longed to govern the realm.

But one does not govern a country with good looks, fair words and jaunty manners. One needs subtlety and judgment, and it seemed to me that Thomas had neither of these very necessary qualities.

He had made an enemy of his own brother who, as Protector of the Realm, was the most powerful man in the country. He had resented the fact that his brother Somerset should have power over the King simply because he was the elder uncle when he, Thomas, was the King's favorite.

We heard that he had sought to turn the King against Somerset. Edward had been kept short of money and Thomas had supplied him with some. Somerset had laid down a stern rule in Edward's household because he thought it necessary for the upbringing of this important boy. Thomas had visited him, condoled with him and, most foolishly and recklessly, had discussed with him the possibility of ridding themselves of Somerset—killing him, if necessary, it was reported—so that Edward could be a real king with Uncle Thomas beside him to help him rule.

Somerset had some time before quarreled with his brother over the marriage to Katharine Parr, and when Katharine died the matter of her jewels was revived. They belonged to the Crown, said Somerset; but Thomas would not relinquish them.

Thomas had believed—as he had shown in his domestic life—that his charm would always extricate him from difficult situations. He always kept several irons in the fire—to see which way to jump. He could control Edward—or he could marry me. Therefore he was quite ready to take on his powerful brother. He started to gather a group of friends who saw an advantage in overthrowing Somerset and setting up Thomas in his place. He boasted that he would create “the blackest parliament that ever was in England,” words which were overheard and repeated to Somerset and the Council. He began to collect arms at Sudeley Castle. He had become involved with Sir William Sharington, who was the Vice Treasurer and Master of the Bristol Mint. Sharington was later found to have brought about a tremendous fraud by buying church plate and turning it into coins with two-thirds alloy, and in addition he had falsified the records of the Mint, which had enabled him to rob the Crown of some four thousand pounds. The Admiral had discovered this, but instead of bringing Sharington to justice, he had blackmailed him into continuing the fraud—and giving the greater part of the profit to Thomas to help raise an army of mercenaries.

Sharington, however, while feigning to accept these terms, went to Somerset and confessed what he had done and what the Admiral was forcing him to do. Sharington was pardoned. He had given the Protector what he needed—that evidence which would allow him to arrest his brother as a traitor.

So Thomas Seymour, my would-be lover, was in the Tower.

I thought about him a good deal, and there was a terrible misgiving in my heart. I was old enough to realize that because it was known that he wished to marry me, and because of my position in line to the throne, I could be drawn into this.

I HAD BEEN RIDING in the woods, my thoughts still with Thomas Seymour. I wondered whether the Protector would stand by and see his brother condemned to death. After all there was a blood tie between them. Did men, for ambition's sake, forget those early days when they had played together in the same nursery?

My brother Edward had told the Council that Thomas had indeed bribed him with money, and he admitted to the conversations they had had about the Lord Protector. I wondered at Edward. He was such a calm, serious boy, and I thought he had loved Thomas. How could he have betrayed him—and without a show of reluctance? I did not understand my brother. In the nursery days he had seemed so loyal. Yet it was true that Thomas had used and exploited him. It was long since I had been close to my brother. They had taken him away and made a king of him. A boy king vulnerable to the wiles of these shrewd Seymours as I was beginning to characterize them.

When I reached Hatfield House, a quietness seemed to prevail. The grooms took my horses and I went into the house. A strange man and woman came to greet me. The man bowed; the woman curtsied, while I looked askance from one to the other.

“My lady,” said the man, “I must tell you that I am Sir Robert Tyrwhit, and this is my wife. We have been sent by the Lord Protector to have charge of your household.”

“I…do not understand.”

“There have been changes,” he said.

“Changes! Without consulting me?”

“Yes, my lady.”

“I shall want some explanations.”

“Your servants John and Katharine Ashley with Thomas Parry have left Hatfield.”

“Left! But they were here—”

“They left on our arrival.”

“They left! Without my permission! This is my household. I give orders here.”

“No, my lady. I have orders from the Protector and the Council. My lady will take the place of Mistress Ashley.”

“Where is Kat Ashley?”

“My lady, she is on her way to the Tower of London for interrogation.”

The hall seemed to swim around me. My head was pounding and I could feel one of my dreadful headaches coming on.

He went on: “Her husband and your cofferer Parry are with her. They are to be questioned too.”

“But… for what reasons?”

I disliked the man Tyrwhit. He looked at me slyly. “You might know the answer to that question better than I do, my lady.”

The man was insolent. How dared he be! And then I understood that he had reason for being so. I was, as I had feared I might be, under suspicion. His very presence meant that I was, in effect, under his guard even in my own house.

He turned to his wife. “Pray help the Princess to her chamber. This has been a shock to her.”

Lady Tyrwhit came to me and laid a hand on my arm. I shook her off angrily.

“I will know more of this.” I remembered that I was still the late King's daughter. “I shall demand an explanation.”

“You will get it very soon, I have no doubt, my lady.” There was a threat in his words and I felt limp with horror, and although I had had my misgivings I was taken by surprise.

One thought kept hammering through my aching head: Be calm. Be careful. You are in acute danger.

HOW WRETCHED I WAS without Kat! I dearly loved the frivolous creature and I was very anxious for her. And Parry … foolish Parry who couldn't even keep his household accounts in order, how would he fare under questioning, under torture even?

I hated Lady Tyrwhit, mostly because she wasn't Kat. I glared at her and refused to talk to her except when it was necessary. She was a patient woman and she showed no resentment. In fact she behaved rather like a jailer and even at such a time I recognized that hint of hesitation which all displayed when dealing with someone who had a claim to the throne. It suggests that they do not really believe one will ever reach that exalted position—but caution bids them play safe in case one should.

I do not remember how many days passed before Sir Robert Tyrwhit came to my bedchamber. He had sheaves of paper in his hand. These were, he explained, the confessions of Parry and Katharine Ashley.

I took them and read them. It was all there… the rompings, the tickling in bed, the cutting of the dress, the morning visits to my bedchamber in his nightgown with bare legs. They had told everything. Parry had said that wild horses could tear him asunder and he would not tell. How different was the true case.

I did not blame them. I just thought of them—and particularly of Kat— in some dark dungeon waiting with trepidation the hour of questioning, no doubt dreading in terror the terrible means that could be used to prize information from them. The thought of Kat on the rack was more than I could bear. I forgave them… readily… for telling all they knew.

I was ill and rather glad of it. I could shut myself away in my bedchamber and with good excuse, and only answer Lady Tyrwhit when absolutely necessary. I remembered that she had been lady-in-waiting to my stepmother and had been present at her death-bed when Katharine had accused the Admiral of wishing her ill and to be with others. And that meant me. I could understand then that vague attitude of triumph that I, who had caused her beloved mistress so much anguish, was now suffering myself.

Then I began to realize that there was some good in Lady Tyrwhit. She was better than her odious husband in any case.

The whole country was talking about Thomas Seymour. He had always caught people's attention because of his presence and good looks; and I had noticed that people like little better than to see those who were mighty brought low.

They talked more of his matrimonial ventures than his treason to the Crown. The affair of the Bristol Mint was not so interesting as what his life had been like with the Dowager Queen. It was proved that he had tried for me first—and to my horror and astonishment that he had also had his eyes on the Princess Mary and Lady Jane Grey, all not without some claim to the throne. Had he poisoned his wife? it was being asked. She had accused him on her death-bed of wanting to be rid of her. Had he not had his eyes on the Princess Elizabeth?

How do these matters become public knowledge? There are spies everywhere, as every royal daughter knows. The distressing nature of malicious gossip is that it is embellished as it passes along. It grows like a living evil, like a malevolent disease.

They were destroying my reputation. Seymour and I had been lovers, they said. I had had a child by him. One account had it that a midwife had testified that one dark night she had been taken to a house blindfold so that she would not know where she was going. She saw nothing in the house but candlelight, but she did know that she had delivered a fair young lady of a child. There was an even more horrible version. It claimed that the child had been taken away and destroyed.

I accepted the fact now that I had been entirely foolish in allowing the Admiral to pay court to me when he was married to my stepmother; I had been duped. But the monstrous nature of these accusations infuriated me.

After much reflection, I rallied my courage. Though fearful, I wrote a carefully worded letter to the Lord Protector in which I told him that I trusted and believed in his good will toward me. I asked him directly to make a declaration that people should refrain from circulating falsehoods about me, for they must know that they were falsehoods, and I was sure they would wish to protect the King's sister from such calumny.

As a result of that letter, the Council replied that if I could point out these people who were spreading lies about me, they should be suitably punished.

It was at least some slight consolation.

I fretted for Kat. I wanted her with me. I missed her love and her gossip. I decided to plead with the Protector for her return. I could not bear to think of her a prisoner in the Tower.

“My Lord,” I wrote,

“I have a request to make… peradventure you and the Council will think I favor her evil doing, for whom I shall speak, which is Katharine Ashley, that it would please Your Grace and the rest of the Council to be good unto her. Which thing I do, not favor her in any evil (for which I would be sorry to do), but for these considerations that follow, the which hope doth teach me in saying that I ought not to doubt but that Your Grace and the rest of the Council will think that I do it for other considerations. First, because that she hath been with me a long time, and many years, and hath taken great labor and pain in bringing me up in learning and honesty; and therefore I ought of very duty speak for her; for Saint Gregorie sayeth, ‘that we are more bound to them that bringeth us up well than to our parents, for our parents do that which is natural for them that bringeth us into the world, but our bringers-up are a cause to make us live well in it.' The second is because I think that whatsoever she hath done in my Lord Admiral's matter, as concerning the marrying of me, she did it because, knowing him to be one of the Council, she thought he would not go about any such thing without he had the Council's consent thereunto; for I have heard her say many times that she would never have me marry in any place without Your Grace's and the Council's consent. The third cause is, because that it shall, and doth, make men think that I am not clear of the deed myself but that it is pardoned to me because of my youth, because that she I loved so well is in such a place…

“Also, if I may be so bold and not offending, I beseech Your Grace—and the rest of the Council to be good to Master Ashley, her husband, which because he is my kinsman I would be glad should do well.

“Your assured friend to my little power, Elizabeth.”

I hoped my appeal would not fall on deaf ears. I did have some faith in Somerset. He lacked all the charm and good looks of his brother, but I believed him to be a just man and honest as far as men can be when the acquisition of power is the main object of their lives.

I felt numbed when a friend whispered to me that the Admiral was condemned to death. That spy Tyrwhit would be watching me closely. I must prepare myself to show no emotion when the news was brought to me of his execution.

It arrived on a blustery March day. I had steeled myself. When Tyrwhit came to me, he was not alone. He wanted evidence of the manner in which I received the news so that he could report with corroboration to his masters.

“My lady,” he said, “this day Thomas Seymour laid his head upon the block.”

They were watching me, all of them. I clasped my hands. They did not tremble.

I said clearly, for I had rehearsed the words: “This day died a man of much wit and very little judgment.”

Calmly I took my leave of them and went into my chamber.