Racing Savannah

Chapter 16. The Walk of Shame

“I knew I was in trouble when I woke up and Luke Skywalker was staring back at me.”

I’m sitting with Vanessa at Foothills Diner, sharing a slice of rhubarb pie with her. She said she desperately needed to talk to me, so here I am.

I pound a fist on the table. “I told Rory to get rid of those sheets! I knew something like this might happen…So you saw the sheets? Does that mean…?”

“It means that I accidentally fell asleep in his bed last night and his parents found us this morning and they called my papa and my brother! It was mortifying!”

I sit back and cover my mouth. “And, uh, what happened…?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t, um, clothed.” Her hand shakes as she sips her coffee. “Remind me never to drink champagne again, okay?”

“Oh man, I’m sorry. Did you get in trouble with your grandfather and brother?”

“Ty wanted to fly home from Arizona to ‘kill Rory’ but then Papa reminded him he had a game today and it wouldn’t be a good thing if the backup quarterback disappeared just to go kill somebody.”

“Were Mr. and Mrs. Whitfield pissed?”

Vanessa taps her fork on her plate. “His dad made jokes, but like, his mom? She seemed really disappointed in me. I overheard her telling Rory that girls like me aren’t ‘girlfriend material.’”

“What the hell does that mean? Girlfriend material?”

“I’ve only had one serious boyfriend my entire life. But Mrs. Whitfield seemed to be under the impression I sleep around all the time. I’ve only slept with one guy!”

I clear my throat. “Well, now you’ve slept with two, right?”

Her face goes red. She shovels another bite of pie in her mouth and yells for the waitress. “We’re gonna need more pie over here. ASAP! So…what happened to you last night?” she asks. “You ran off pretty quick.”

“Well, umm…”

“Spill.” Vanessa lifts her coffee mug to her mouth, giving me a look that says, I just told you I woke up in a boy’s bed and Star Wars sheets were involved.

“Jack and I fooled around,” I say softly, making Vanessa squeal. Other Foothills patrons glare at us, including a couple of trucker guys. But after they get a good look at Vanessa and her Amazon bod, they smile and sit up straighter.

“And?” she says.

“It was great,” I whisper back. “But Mr. and Mrs. Goodwin stopped by and I had to hide in the closet.”

“The closet.”

“Yeah, and Jack has tons of cowboy boots. And then we made out some more in the closet.”

Her mouth drops open and then she smiles. “So, are you guys, like, gonna hook up again…or get together…?”

“No idea,” I say. “I don’t even know what Jack wants yet. His dad would be pissed. My dad would be horrified.”

She pops another bite of pie into her mouth. “Do you want something with him?”

I find myself slowly nodding. I want, I want, I want.

“Be careful…Jack rarely has serious girlfriends,” Vanessa says slowly, cradling her cup. “Although you did make out with him two weekends in a row. That’s a record for Jack.”

I change the subject. “What about you and Rory?”

“I’m so embarrassed,” Vanessa says quietly. “I’m afraid Mrs. Whitfield’s never gonna let me come back over to her house. You know what she said to me? ‘I wish Rory’s younger brothers hadn’t seen you here. What kind of example does that set?’”

“Did Rory get the same lecture?” I ask.

“No, his Dad just sent him outside to clean something called a manure collector before church.”

I cringe and take a drink of coffee. “I’m sure Mrs. Whitfield was just shocked,” I say. “I mean, all moms are protective, I imagine.”

Not that Vanessa or I would know anything about that. Several years ago her parents were in a car crash: her father died on the scene and her mom died a while later from her injuries.

“It’s just ’cause I look like this,” she mumbles. “It’s like, nobody ever bothers to get to know me. It’s all about my looks. They think I must be evil because I’m pretty. Or they think I have the perfect life—when really I just miss my parents…”

I’m about to tell her that no one thinks that her life is perfect, but hell, I’ve thought it myself. We don’t know what other people are thinking. We never will unless we ask.

“I’m your friend,” I tell her. “And if Mrs. Whitfield doesn’t see how great you are, then screw her.”

Vanessa looks up and gives me a small smile. “I just hope Rory doesn’t want to end stuff…you know? I haven’t heard from him since this morning…I thought he would’ve found a way to call.”

“Don’t worry. He really likes you…”

She grins, looking into her coffee cup. “So how’d you end up in bed with Jack Goodwin last night?”

“How’d you end up in bed with Rory and Darth Vader?” I fire back.

“And Chewbacca.”

I groan, laughing.

We finish off two more pieces of rhubarb pie and dish up all our gossip, and the pie tastes a little sweeter than usual.

Vanessa has this prehistoric plaid couch the color of Halloween.

Orange, red, gold, and more orange.

She invited me over to her house after we gorged ourselves on pie, and now here I am, gazing around at a tiny house with brown shag carpet and frayed curtains. Family pictures cover the walls and end tables.

“This is cozy.”

Vanessa sprawls out on the Halloween couch. “My brother, Ty, keeps trying to buy Papa this house that looks like a castle, but we like it here. But Papa did agree to that TV.” She points at a flat screen. “Ty always thinks we should have the best, no matter if it’s practical or not.”

“Do you miss Ty?”

Vanessa nods slowly. “He wanted me to move out to Arizona with him, but I didn’t want to change schools senior year. And I can’t leave Papa. I’d miss him too much…he’s like, my best friend.” She glances away, embarrassed. I’ve never heard somebody call a grandparent a best friend. Awesome.

“Couldn’t your grandfather go with you?”

“He loves it here. He likes his job at the pajama factory. And besides, I’m going to college at Middle Tennessee state.”

The house smells a little musty because it’s old, but it’s full of warmth, and it amazes me that a guy who came from this life went on to play for the Arizona Cardinals. He took his talents and ran. And now Vanessa is seeing the benefits and doesn’t have to worry about money anymore. I don’t want to worry about money anymore. But the NFL is on an entirely different echelon than horse jockeying.

College could give me new opportunities like Ty had. Maybe I should consider going to talk to the guidance counselor.

Vanessa and I sit down to watch a movie and she tells me how glad she is I moved here and that it’s easy to talk for real with me. She admits that she and Kelsey have more of a surface-level friendship because Kelsey never lets people get close, which sort of shocks me. That girl is such a mystery.

Vanessa and I are still talking when the doorbell rings. She stands to answer the door, revealing Rory. They look at each other for a long moment before he launches himself into her arms, kissing her cheeks and lips and holding her tight. She wraps her arms around his neck and presses her forehead to his.

Jesus, it’s like they’re already in love.

“Are you in big trouble with your mom?” Vanessa asks. “Does she hate me?”

“If she does, it doesn’t matter,” Rory says. “I want you. Like, I want to date only you and I just…” He pauses to take a deep breath, looking into her eyes. “I like you so much.”

“I’m really sorry I fell asleep last night.”

“I’m sorry I let us drink so much champagne,” Rory says with a nervous laugh.

“Never again.”

“Agreed.”

I’m getting a warm feeling watching them. He doesn’t care whether his parents like Vanessa or not. They want each other, so they’re going to be together. I love that.

What would happen if I told Dad and Cindy that I want to be with Jack? Would Jack make sure his father doesn’t fire my family? Would Jack tell his father about us?

I love Jack’s confidence, his smirk, his sense of humor, the way he cares for his little sister, the way he loves his animals, he edits his mom’s cookbook, he helped me pour water at dinner that night. I just like him.

I want Jack, and I shouldn’t let anybody—not even myself—get in the way of it.

When I get home, I find Dad and Cindy sitting on the couch, looking at a baby name book she borrowed from Mrs. Goodwin.

“Shortcake, what do you think of Arya?” Cindy asks.

“I like it, but it sounds too medieval,” I say, squeezing onto the couch on the other side of Dad. I lean against his arm, rest my chin on his shoulder, and look down at the book with him.

“What about something modern?” I ask. “How about Marriott?”

Cindy laughs. “We are not naming the baby after a hotel chain.”

We flip through the book for a while longer, checking out names like Crimson (love it!), Katherine (Cindy’s choice), and Nina (Dad thinks it’s sweet).

I sigh, snuggling closer to Dad, resting my head on his shoulder. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course,” Cindy says, snapping the book shut.

“You have to promise you won’t get mad or jump to conclusions or anything.”

“We promise,” Dad says, taking my hand. “But you’d better not be pregnant.”

“Jesus Lord, Dad! You need to get a filter.”

“That’s true.” Cindy gently taps his arm. “So what’s going on?”

I look around to make sure nobody else is nearby listening in. “Um…here’s the thing. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Jack…and I want to try dating him—”

“No,” Dad says, shaking his head fast.

“But I really like him.”

“I told you not to start anything with him.”

How do you tell your dad it’s too late? It’s not like I’d tell him Jack and I have already been to third base together.

“How could you disobey me?” His voice is angry and full of hurt. “You know the Goodwins don’t want us interfering with their lives. They don’t even want us in their house!”

Cindy pats his knee. “Shhh.” She gives me a disappointed-mom face, even though she’s not my stepmother yet. “After what happened with Moonshadow, I don’t want to see you hurt again. Being with Jack might seem good today, but that could change.”

Memories of kissing Jack one night and then having him back off the next day fill my mind. He played Abby Winchester. He probably wrote Kelsey Painter off too. But I could be different, right?

“But it’s my decision,” I say. Breakups are always a possibility, but without him, life will feel like riding a super slow mule. “I want this.”

Dad and Cindy exchange a long look. Finally he lets out a long sigh. “We can’t afford for you to a make a decision that’ll mess up our jobs right now, understand?” He sets his jaw. “Ever since we moved here, every decision you’ve made has been selfish or dangerous—with your jockeying and exercise riding and looking at colleges on the computer or dating my boss’s son. You know I can’t afford to send you to college—” Dad’s voice breaks. “Rory Whitfield is a nice guy. Why don’t you date him?”

“I’m never gonna like Rory like that—”

“Our lives,” Dad starts, blowing into his cupped hands. “We’re never gonna have lives like the Goodwins. I don’t know what ideas this place is putting into your head but it needs to stop before you get hurt and Cindy and your little sister get hurt too, got it?” His tone is fiercely mean and serious.

My hands and lips are trembling. I feel queasy. A stabbing pain rushes up my arm and into my chest. I start shaking all over.

Dad has never spoken to me like this. Ever.

Growing up, Dad told me stories about how his father, my papa, never could keep a steady job as a groom and they bought all their groceries with food stamps. Didn’t Dad start working at Cedar Hill because he wanted a better life? What’s so wrong with me going after something better?

“Can I still be a jockey?” I ask through clenched teeth, curling my hands into fists.

“I said you could until something else bad happens, didn’t I?” Dad runs a hand through his hair, grasping it tightly.

Cindy says, “We just worry about you, Shortcake—”

“Stop calling me Shortcake!” I burst. “Only Mom and Dad are allowed to call me that!”

Cindy looks down at her stomach and starts crying. Dad’s face immediately softens and he tells her he loves her and the baby.

Yvonne appears in the doorway with wide eyes, holding her needlework, looking at the three of us. She gives me a wink and a nod before disappearing back toward her room.

I stand up on shaky knees. “I’m going for a walk.”

“Stay away from Jack Goodwin,” Dad calls out.

I jet out the door, ignoring Dad, pulling a sucker from my pocket and jabbing it into my mouth.

I make it all the way to Greenbriar pasture before I start sobbing.

It’s late on Sunday afternoon, and everyone’s enjoying post-church supper with their families so the racetracks are deserted. Only a few farmhands are around, monitoring the grazing horses. I open the gate, and Star immediately jogs over to me, whinnying softly. He doesn’t stop to show me respect; he buries his nose in my neck and sighs.

“I love you too,” I whisper into his mane.

How could Dad yell at me like that? Doesn’t he care what I feel for Jack? It’s not like I ever yelled at him when he got Cindy pregnant when there’s no way in hell he could afford another kid. And I haven’t been selfish at all. Of course, Dad doesn’t know I asked Mr. Goodwin to supplement Cindy’s paychecks with my own…

Jack’s three dogs bound up, panting and slobbering all over the place, chasing each other around the cedar trees. I turn to find Jack looking over his shoulder toward the manor house.

“I was hoping I’d find you here,” he says, the corner of his mouth lifting into a subtle grin. “This is becoming our spot.” He gestures at the pasture.

I nod, giving him a little smile.

“What’s wrong?” he whispers.

I shake my head, not ready to talk yet.

“Let’s walk,” he says. I follow him out the gate and toward the lake. Star snorts, upset that I’m leaving him behind.

Jack leads me down to the lake with his hounds in tow. There, he wipes the tears out from under my eyes and I curl up against his chest. That gives him the opening he needs, I guess, because soon we’re kissing and his hands are in my hair and I’m running my hands under his T-shirt, dragging my fingertips over his abs. It’s a warm September evening and the stars are just beginning to peek out. Twilight.

“If I take your clothes off, Jasper will steal them,” Jack murmurs between kisses, as he unsnaps my bra, leaving my shirt on.

“Wouldn’t want that,” I say softly, laughing.

We lie down together in the grass, him straddling my hips, reenacting what we did last night. He unbuttons my jeans and slides them down until they’re hooked around one of my ankles, and he kisses and touches me until I’m tingling all over. But we go a step further, doing something I’ve never done.

“Are you sure?” he whispers, threading his fingers through my hair, and I nod. I take him in my hand and go down on him—because I want to. It’s awkward and I’m scared I’m doing something wrong, but I love feeling close to him. He seems to like what I’m doing…

When we’re both finished, he presses his cheek to mine and whispers, “Are you feeling better?”

I nod, snuggling against his chest.

“I’m sorry we got interrupted last night,” he says softly. “I’ll have to take you up to our weekend cabin in Kentucky sometime soon, so we can have privacy…”

I love the idea of being his houseguest at their cabin. I’ve never been there, but I heard Jodi telling Cindy about it. Jodi said it was about the prettiest place she’d ever seen, covered in ivy like straight out of a fairy tale.

I smile into Jack’s shoulder, close my eyes, and enjoy the sounds of water lapping gently against the banks. “Jack?”

“Hmm?” he mumbles, playing with my hair.

“If I were to, like, go see the guidance counselor tomorrow at school…would you, um, come with me?”

“What are you going to talk to her about?”

“I was looking at some colleges online but I don’t know if any of them will work for me…because Dad can’t pay for any of it.” I suck in a deep breath, embarrassed out of my mind. “And if the guidance counselor says something I don’t understand I thought maybe you could help me?”

Jack kisses my head. “Sure. I can do that. But don’t you think you should bring your dad, not me?”

I grasp his T-shirt and twist it, holding on tight. “I talked to him and Cindy a little while ago, and my dad brought up college when I was telling them about me and you and how we might be together and I don’t think he wants me to apply—”

“You told your dad and Cindy about us?” He sits up straight, knocking me off his chest. I bring myself to a sitting position and start to resnap my bra. Why’s he acting so skittish? “Why did you do that?”

“I like talking to my dad,” I say quietly.

“You told him what we did last night?” he exclaims.

“No, no,” I say, waving my hands. I swallow hard, feeling tears burn my eyes again. “I just told Dad and Cindy that I like you and I’m not gonna stay away from you like they want me to.”

“I wish you would’ve talked to me before just announcing we’re, like, a couple or whatever,” Jack says, dragging a hand through his hair. He looks seriously pissed.

“I didn’t tell him that!” I nervously pick blades of grass. “I told them I like you…and wanted to be with you, that’s all.”

Jack lets out a long breath. “Look, I’m glad you feel that way, but we can’t have a real relationship.”

“We can’t?” I whisper.

“You know we can’t. I thought you wanted to be together…like, in secret. As friends with benefits.”

Did he really just say friends with benefits?

“Like, we’d hook up, but we’d never go out on dates and stuff?”

“Yeah. We’d be together on the down low.”

Did he really just say down low?

“Why can’t we just try it for real? See what people say?”

Jack won’t stop clutching his hair. “Is your father gonna tell my dad? You can’t let him tell my father! I have to show him I’m a good owner who respects his staff.”

Tears have already begun to drip down my cheeks. I wipe them away as quickly as I can. If he didn’t hold all the power before, he does now. I gave it to him.

“I’ll make sure my dad doesn’t say anything,” I say quietly.

“Good, because my dad hasn’t finished the Paradise Park deal yet. If the Winchesters think I’m dating somebody else, it’ll ruin everything for Dad.” Jack shakes his head. He looks pissed.

This is one of those bad memories that’s going to play on repeat over and over in my head. Like the memories of Moonshadow. I can’t believe I shared her story with Jack. Maybe I was right before. Rich people are all alike. Only care about their goddamned money. Only care about what’s best for them.

I dig my fingernails into my palm, trying to decide the best thing to say. Something I won’t regret when I look back on this moment.

It’s weird. I’ve never felt so many things at once. Anger. Shame. Sadness.

More humiliation than I’ve ever experienced.

But mostly pride for what I’m about to do.

“I won’t do this in secret,” I say. “It’s terrible that a business deal is dependent on you playing Abby Winchester. I hate that a deal is more important than my feelings. Do you have any idea how shitty it’s gonna feel to tell Dad and Cindy that they were right about you?”

“What about me?” he mumbles, his nostrils flaring.

I laugh harshly. “They said you lose interest in girls after a couple days and that I wasn’t anything special. They’re right. If I were special, you wouldn’t want to keep me a secret.”

“It’s not that, Sava—”

“Save it,” I reply, crossing my arms across my stomach. I feel sick. I can’t believe what I just did with him…and then this happens. “You may not respect me, but I respect myself enough to not do this with you. I hope your dad gets his racetrack and I hope it’s worth what it’s costing you: me.”