Ready or Not

Top ten reasons the next time you’re in a position to save the president’s life, you might want to reconsider:

10. Everywhere you go afterward, you will be harassed by Johnson Family Vacationers.

9. You could get asked to go on Oprah and after saying no a million times, decide to do it to promote awareness of the issue of child slavery, which actually does exist, even in America, and then spend the whole time crying because Oprah asked about Mewsie, the kitten you had when you were ten who died of feline leukemia.

8. While working at your part-time job to make enough pocket money to support your lead pencil habit, people returning copies of Men in Black II ask you if you know the real truth about Area 51, seeing as how you have an in at the White House, and all.

7. You will have to spend all of your free time in the White House press office, signing photographs of your own head for fans.

6. Don’t even think about ever setting foot in a McDonald’s again. You will be mobbed.

5. Everyone you know will ask you if you can get them the president’s autograph.

4. You will find old past due notices from your local library that you thought you threw away for sale on eBay because everyone wants to own a piece of you.

3. You might fall in love with his son, and start dating him.

2. Which could make it extremely awkward when the president asks you to support his Return to Family program, and you find out that it violates your personal right to privacy.

And the number-one reason you might want to reconsider saving the life of the president of the United States:

1. You might get mad at him and accidentally announce to the world on national television that you’ve had sex with his son. Even though you haven’t.

Yet.