Remember Me?

Chapter 20

So that’s it. I am the official licenser of Deller Carpets designs. I had a meeting with the lawyer yesterday and another one this morning. Everything’s signed and the bank draft has gone through. Tomorrow I meet with Jeremy Northpool again, and we sign the contract for the Porsche deal.

As I arrive home I’m still powered up by adrenaline. I need to call all the girls, fill them in on developments. Then I need to think where we’re going to base ourselves. We need an office, somewhere cheap and convenient. Maybe Balham.

We could have fairy lights in the office, I think in sudden glee. Why not? It’s our office. And a proper makeup mirror in the loos. And music playing while we work.

There are voices coming from Eric’s office as I walk into the flat. Eric must have arrived home from Manchester while I was with the lawyer. I peep around the open door to see a roomful of his senior staff grouped around the coffee table, with an empty cafetiere at the center. Clive is there, and the head of HR, Penny, and some guy called Steven whose role I’ve never been able to work out.

“Hi!” I smile at Eric. “Good trip?”

“Excellent.” He nods, then gives a puzzled frown. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I’ll…explain that later.” I look around the faces, feeling generous after my successful morning. “Can I bring you all some more coffee?”

“Gianna will do it, darling,” says Eric reprovingly.

“It’s okay! I’m not busy.”

I head into the kitchen, humming as I make a fresh pot, sending quick texts to Fi, Carolyn, and Debs to let them know all went well. We’ll have a meeting this evening, and talk everything through. I’ve already had an e-mail from Carolyn this morning, saying how excited she is, and listing a load of new ideas and possible contacts for more exclusive deals. And Debs is gagging to take on PR.

We’re going to make a good team, I know we are.

I head back to Eric’s office with a full pot and discreetly start pouring it out while listening to the discussion. Penny is holding a list of personnel names, with figures scribbled in pencil at the side.

“I’m afraid I don’t think Sally Hedge deserves a raise or a bonus,” she’s saying as I pour her a cup of coffee. “She’s very average. Thanks, Lexi.”

“I like Sally,” I say. “You know her mum’s been ill recently?”

“Really?” Penny makes a face as though to say “So what?”

“Lexi made friends with all the secretaries and junior staff when she came into the office.” Eric gives a little laugh. “She’s very good at that kind of thing.”

“It’s not a ‘kind of thing’!” I retort, a little rankled by his tone. “I just got talking to her. She’s really interesting. You know, she nearly made the British gymnastics squad for the Commonwealth games? She can do a front somersault on the beam.”

Everyone looks at me blankly for a second.

“Anyway.” Penny turns back to her paper. “We’re agreed, no bonus or raise this time, but perhaps a review after Christmas. Moving on, Damian Greenslade…”

I know this isn’t my business. But I can’t bear it. I can just imagine Sally waiting for the news of the bonuses. I can just imagine her thud of disappointment.

“Excuse me!” I dump the coffeepot on a handy shelf and Penny stops talking in surprise. “I’m sorry, can I just say something? The thing is…a bonus may not be much to the company. It’s peanuts to the bottom line. But it’s huge to Sally Hedge. Do any of you remember what it was like to be young and poor and struggling?” I look around at Eric’s managers, all dressed in smart, grown-up clothes with their smart, grown-up accessories. “Because I do.”

“Lexi, we know you’re a tenderhearted soul.” Steven rolls his eyes. “But what are you saying-we should all be poor?”

“I’m not saying you have to be poor!” I try to control my impatience. “I’m saying you have to remember what it’s like, being at the bottom of the ladder. It’s a lifetime away for all of you.” I sweep my hand around the room. “But that was me. And it feels like it was about six weeks ago. I was that girl. No money, hoping for a bonus, wondering if I’d ever get a break, standing in the pouring rain…” Suddenly I realize I’m getting a bit carried away. “Anyway, I can tell you that if you give it to her, she really will appreciate it.”

There’s a pause. I glance at Eric, and he has a fixed, livid smile on his face.

“Right.” Penny raises her eyebrows. “Well…we’ll come back to Sally Hedge.” She marks her paper.

“Thanks. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Carry on.” I pick up the coffeepot and try to creep out of the room silently, only stumbling briefly on a Mulberry briefcase that someone’s left on the floor.

Maybe they’ll give a bonus to Sally Hedge and maybe they won’t. But at least I said my bit. I pick up the paper and am just flicking through to see if there’s an “Offices to Rent” section, when Eric appears out of his office.

“Oh hi,” I say. “Having a break?”

“Lexi. A word.” He walks me swiftly to my bedroom and closes the door, that horrible smile still on his face. “Please don’t ever interfere with my business again.”

Oh God, I thought he seemed pissed off.

“Eric, I’m sorry I interrupted the meeting,” I say quickly. “But I was only expressing an opinion.”

“I don’t need any opinions.”

“But isn’t it good to talk about things?” I say in astonishment. “Even if we disagree? I mean, that’s what keeps relationships alive! Talking!”

“I don’t agree.”

His words are coming out like bullet fire. He’s still got that smile on, like a mask, as if he has to hide how angry he really is. And all of a sudden, it’s like a filter falls off my eyes. I don’t know this man. I don’t love him. I don’t know what I’m doing here.

“Eric, I’m sorry. I…won’t do it again.” I walk over to the window, trying to gather my thoughts. Then I turn around. “Can I ask you a question, since we’re talking? What do you really, genuinely think? About us? Our marriage? Everything?”

“I think we’re making good progress.” Eric nods, his mood instantly better, as though we’ve moved on to a new subject on the agenda. “We’re becoming more intimate…you’ve started having flashbacks…you’ve learned everything from the marriage manual…I think it’s all coming together. All good news.”

He sounds so businesslike. Like he might suddenly produce a PowerPoint presentation with a graph going up to show how happy we are. How can he think that, when he’s not interested in what I think or any of my ideas or who I really am?

“Eric, I’m sorry.” I heave a deep sigh and slump down on a suede armless chair. “But I don’t agree. I don’t think we are becoming more intimate, not really. And…I have something to confess. I invented the flashback.”

Eric stares at me in shock. “You invented it? Why?”

Because it was that or the whipped cream mountain.

“I suppose I just…really wanted it to be true,” I improvise vaguely. “But the truth is, I’ve remembered nothing this whole time. You’re still just a guy I met a few weeks ago.”

Eric sits down heavily on the bed and we lapse into silence. I pick up a black-and-white photograph of us at our wedding. We’re toasting each other and smiling, and outwardly blissful. But now I look more carefully, I can see the strain in my eyes.

I wonder how long I was happy for. I wonder when it hit me that I’d made a mistake.

“Eric, let’s face it, it’s not working out.” I sigh as I replace the picture. “Not for either of us. I’m with a man I don’t know. You’re with a woman who remembers nothing.”

“That doesn’t matter. We’re building a new marriage. Starting again!” He’s sweeping his hands around for emphasis. Any minute he’s going to say we’re enjoying “marriage-style living.”

“We’re not.” I shake my head. “And I can’t do it anymore.”

“You can, darling.” Eric switches instantly into “concerned husband of deranged invalid” mode. “Maybe you’ve been pushing yourself too hard. Take a rest.”

“I don’t need a rest! I need to be myself!” I get to my feet, my frustration bubbling to the surface. “Eric, I’m not the girl you think you married. I don’t know who I’ve been these last three years, but it hasn’t been me. I like color. I like mess. I like…” I flail my arms around. “I like pasta! All this time, I wasn’t hungry for success, I was hungry.”

Eric looks totally bemused.

“Darling,” he says carefully. “If it means that much to you, we can buy some pasta. I’ll tell Gianna to order some-”

“It’s not about the pasta!” I cry out. “Eric, you don’t understand. I’ve been acting for the last few weeks. And I can’t do it anymore.” I gesture at the massive screen. “I’m not into all this high-tech stuff. I don’t feel relaxed. To be honest, I’d rather live in a house.”

“A house?” Eric looks as horrified as if I’ve said I want to live with a pack of wolves and have their babies.

“This place is fantastic, Eric.” I suddenly feel bad for slagging off his creation. “It’s stunning and I really admire it. But it’s not me. I’m just not made for…loft-style living.”

Aargh. I can’t believe it. I actually did the sweeping, parallel-hands gesture.

“I’m…shocked, Lexi.” Eric looks truly pole-axed. “I had no idea you felt that way.”

“But the most important thing is, you don’t love me.” I meet his eye straight on. “Not me.”

“I do love you!” Eric seems to regain his confidence. “You know I do. You’re talented and you’re beautiful…”

“You don’t think I’m beautiful.”

“Yes, I do!” He seems affronted. “Of course I do!”

“You think my collagen job is beautiful,” I correct him gently, shaking my head. “And my tooth veneers and my hair dye.”

Eric is silenced. I can see him eyeing me up incredulously. I probably told him it was all natural.

“I think I should move out.” I take a few steps away, focusing on the carpet. “I’m sorry, but it’s just…too much of a strain.”

“I guess we rushed things,” Eric says at last. “Maybe a break would be a good idea. After a week or two you’ll see things differently, and we can think again.”

“Yeah.” I nod. “Maybe.”

It feels weird, packing up this room. This isn’t my life-it’s another girl’s life. I’m stuffing the absolute minimum into a Gucci suitcase that I found in a cupboard-some underwear, jeans, a few pairs of shoes. I don’t feel I have any right to all the beige designer suits. Nor, to be honest, do I want them. As I’m finishing, I sense a presence in the room and look up to see Eric in the doorway.

“I have to go out,” he says stiffly. “Will you be all right?”

“Yes, I’ll be fine.” I nod. “I’ll take a cab to Fi’s house. She’s coming home early from work.” I zip up the suitcase, wincing at its sound of finality. “Eric…thanks for having me. I know this has been hard for you too.”

“I care for you deeply. You must know that.” There’s genuine pain in Eric’s eyes, and I feel a stab of guilt. But you can’t stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat. I stand up, rubbing my stiff back, and survey the massive, immaculate room. The designer state-of-the-art bed. The built-in screen. The dressing-room for all those millions of clothes. I’m sure I’ll never live in such a luxurious place again in my life. I must be crazy.

As my gaze sweeps over the bed, something crosses my mind.

“Eric, do I squeak in my sleep?” I ask casually. “Have you ever noticed?”

“Yes, you do.” He nods. “We went to a doctor about it. He suggested you douche your nasal passages with salt water before retiring, and prescribed a nose clip.” He heads to a drawer, brings out a box, and produces a gross-looking plastic contraption. “Do you want to take it with you?”

“No,” I manage after a pause. “Thanks anyway.”

Okay. I’m making the right decision.

Eric puts the nose clip down. He hesitates-then comes over and gives me an awkward hug. I feel like we’re obeying instructions from the marriage manual: Separation (parting embrace).

“Bye, Eric,” I say against his expensive scented shirt. “I’ll see you.”

Ridiculously, I feel near tears. Not because of Eric…but because it’s over. My whole, amazing, perfect dream life.

At last, he pulls away. “Bye, Lexi.” He strides out of the room and a moment later I know he’s gone.

An hour later, I really have finished packing. In the end, I couldn’t resist stuffing another suitcase full of La Perla and Chanel makeup and body products. And a third full of coats. I mean, who else will want them? Not Eric. And I’ve kept my Louis Vuitton bag, for old times’ sake.

Saying good-bye to Gianna was pretty hard. I gave her a huge good-bye hug, and she muttered something in Italian while she patted my head. I think she kind of understood.

And now it’s just me. I drag my cases to the living room, then glance at my watch. There’s still a few minutes till the taxi’s due. I feel like I’m checking out of a posh boutique-style hotel. It’s been a great place to stay, and the facilities were amazing. But it was never home. Even so, I can’t help a massive pang as I step out onto the huge terrace for the very last time, shading my eyes against the afternoon sun. I can remember arriving here and thinking I’d landed in heaven. It seemed like a palace. Eric seemed like a Greek god. I can still conjure up that amazing, lottery winner’s euphoria.

With a sigh, I turn on my heel and head back inside. I guess I didn’t have the perfect life handed to me on a plate, after all.

Which probably means I was never Gandhi.

As I’m locking the terrace door it occurs to me I should say good-bye to my pet. I flick on the screen and click onto “Pet Corner.” I summon up my kitten and watch it for a minute, patting a ball, cute and ageless forever.

“Bye, Arthur,” I say. I know it’s not real, but I can’t help feeling sorry for it, trapped in its virtual world.

Maybe I should say good-bye to Titan, too, just to be fair. I click on “Titan” and at once a six-foot spider appears on the screen, rearing up at me like some kind of monster.

“Jesus!”

In horror I recoil backward, and the next moment I hear a loud crash. I wheel around, still shaken-to see a mess of glass, earth, and greenery on the floor.

Oh great. Stunning work. I’ve knocked over one of those bloody posh-plant things. Orchids, or whatever they are. As I’m staring at the wreckage in dismay, a message flashes up on the screen, bright blue on green, over and over.

Disruption. Disruption.

This place is really trying to tell me something. Maybe it is pretty intelligent, after all.

“I’m sorry!” I say aloud to the screen. “I know I’ve disrupted things, but I’m going! You won’t have to put up with me anymore!”

I fetch a broom from the kitchen, sweep up all the mess, and dump it in the bin. Then I find a piece of paper and write Eric a note.

Dear Eric,

I broke the orchid. I’m sorry.

Also, I ripped the sofa. Please send me an invoice.

Yours, Lexi.

The doorbell rings, just as I’m signing, and I prop the page up against the new glass leopard.

“Hi,” I say into the phone. “Can you possibly come up to the top floor?”

I might need some help with my cases. God knows what Fi will say; I told her I was only taking a shoebox full of essentials. I head to the outside landing and listen to the lift coming up to the penthouse floor.

“Hello!” I begin as the doors start opening. “I’m sorry, I’ve got quite a lot of-” And then my heart stops dead.

It’s not the taxi driver standing in front of me.

It’s Jon.

He’s wearing off-duty jeans and T-shirt. His dark hair is sticking up unevenly and his face looks all scrumpled as though he slept on it wrong. He’s the opposite of Eric’s immaculate, Armani-model groomedness.

“Hi,” I say, my throat suddenly dry. “What…”

His face is almost austere; his dark eyes as intense as ever. I’m suddenly reminded of the very first time I met him, down in the car park, when he kept studying me as if he couldn’t believe I didn’t remember him.

Now I can understand why he looked so desperate when I told him about my marvelous husband Eric. I can understand…a lot of things.

“I called you at work,” he says. “But they said you were at home.”

“Yeah.” I manage a nod. “Some stuff has happened at work.”

I’m all twisted up inside. I can’t meet his eyes. I don’t know why he’s here. I take a step away, staring at the floor, winding my hands around each other tightly; holding my breath.

“I need to say something to you, Lexi.” Jon takes a deep breath and every muscle in my body tightens in apprehension. “I need…to apologize. I shouldn’t have pestered you; it was unfair.”

I feel a jolt of shock. That’s not what I was expecting.

“I’ve thought about it a lot,” Jon continues rapidly. “I realize this has been an impossible time for you. I haven’t helped. And…you’re right. You’re right.” He pauses. “I’m not your lover. I’m a guy you just met.”

He sounds so matter-of-fact, there’s a sudden lump in my throat.

“Jon, I didn’t mean…”

“I know.” He lifts a hand, his voice gentler. “It’s okay. I know what you meant. This has been hard enough for you.” He takes a step closer, his eyes searching for mine. “And what I want to say is…don’t beat yourself up, Lexi. You’re doing your best. That’s all you can do.”

“Yeah.” My voice is clotted with unshed tears. “Well…I’m trying.”

Oh God, I’m going to cry. Jon seems to realize this, and moves away as though to give me space.

“How’d it go at work with the deal?”

“Good.” I nod.

“Great. I’m really pleased for you.”

He’s nodding like this is the windup, like he’s about to turn and leave. And he doesn’t even know yet.

“I’m leaving Eric.” I blurt it out like a release. “I’m leaving right now. I’ve got my suitcases packed, the taxi’s coming…”

I don’t mean to look for Jon’s reaction, but I can’t help it. And I see it. The hope rushing into his face like sunshine. Then out again.

“I’m…glad,” he says at last, carefully measured. “You probably need some time to think everything over. This is all still pretty new for you.”

“Uh-huh. Jon…” My voice is all thick. I don’t even know what I want to say.

“Don’t.” He shakes his head, somehow managing a wry smile. “We just missed our time.”

“It’s not fair.”

“No.”

Through the glass behind Jon, I suddenly see a black taxi turning into the entrance. Jon follows my gaze, and I see a sudden bleakness in the cast of his cheekbone. But as he turns back, he’s smiling again. “I’ll help you down.”

When the bags are all packed into the taxi and I’ve given the driver Fi’s address, I stand opposite Jon, my chest tight, not knowing how to say good-bye.

“So.”

“So.” He touches my hand briefly. “Look after yourself.”

“You…” I swallow. “You too.”

With slightly stumbling legs I get into the cab and pull the door to. But I can’t yet bring myself to close it properly. I can’t yet hear that horrible final clunk.

“Jon.” I look up to where he’s still standing. “Were we…really good together?”

“We were good.” His voice is so low and dry it’s barely audible; his face full of mingled love and sadness as he nods. “We were really, really good.”

And now tears are spilling down my cheeks; my stomach is wrenched with pain. I’m almost weakening. I could fling open the door; say I’ve changed my mind…

But I can’t. I can’t just run straight from one guy I don’t remember into the arms of another.

“I have to go,” I whisper, turning my head away so I can’t see him anymore; rubbing furiously at my eyes. “I have to go. I have to go.”

I pull the heavy door shut. And slowly the taxi pulls away.