Safe Harbour

“I'm a lot more worried that someone is going to put a bullet in your head.” It was blunt but expressed everything he felt. He hadn't felt as shaken by anything in a long time. Maybe not since Sally had told him that she was moving to Auckland with the kids. He was suddenly convinced that his newfound friend was going to die. And he didn't want that to happen to her, to Pip, or to him. He had a lot at stake now, and hadn't in a long time. He cared about both of them. His heart was at risk now too.

He put a log on the fire when they got back to his house. Ophélie had helped him wash the lunch dishes before they went out, and he stood staring into the fire for a long time, and then he looked straight at her. “I don't know what it's going to take to stop you from doing this crazy thing, Ophélie. But I'm going to do everything I can to convince you that it's a bad idea.” He didn't want to frighten Pip so he stopped talking about it, but he looked worried and upset for the rest of the afternoon, and he still was when they left. They already had a dinner date for Pip's birthday the following week.

“I'm sorry I told him about the homeless thing, Mom,” Pip said with obvious remorse as soon as they drove away from his house, and Ophélie glanced over at her with a rueful smile.

“It's okay, sweetheart. I guess secrets aren't a good thing.”

“Is it as dangerous as he says it is?” Pip looked worried.

“Not really,” Ophélie tried to reassure her, and believed what she said. She wasn't lying to Pip. She truly felt safe with the team. “We have to be careful, but if we are, it's fine. No one on the team has ever been hurt, and they want to keep it that way, and so do I.” Hearing that reassured Pip, and she looked over at her mother again.

“You should tell Matt that. I think he's really scared for you.”

“That's nice of him. He cares about us.” But the truth was that there were a lot of things that were dangerous in life. Nothing in life was entirely without risk.

“I love Matt,” Pip said quietly. It was the second time in two days she had said that about him, and Ophélie was silent on the way home. It had been a long time since anyone had cared about her in that protective way. Not even Ted. He hadn't paid much attention to her in recent years. He was too preoccupied with his own doings to worry much about her, but there was no reason to. The one Ophélie had always worried about, particularly after his suicide attempts, was Chad, and Ted hadn't worried about him either. He was for the most part extremely self-involved. But she loved him anyway.

Pip called Matt that night to thank him for the nice day at the beach, and after a few minutes, he asked to speak to Ophélie. She was almost afraid to pick up the phone, but she did.

“I've been thinking about what we talked about, and I've decided I'm angry at you,” he said, sounding almost fierce. “It's the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard, for a woman in your position, and I think you should see a shrink. Or go back to your group.”

“My group leader referred me to the Center,” she said sensibly, and he groaned audibly.

“I'm sure he never thought you'd join the outreach team. He probably thought you'd pour coffee, or roll bandages, or whatever it is they do.” He knew what they did. He had read the article she had given him. But he was obviously extremely upset.

“I promise you, I'll be fine.”

“You can't promise anyone that, not even yourself, or Pip. You can't predict or control what could happen out there.”

“No, but I could be hit by a bus crossing the street tomorrow too, or die in my bed of a heart attack. You can't control everything in life, Matt. You know that as well as I.” She was far more philosophical about life, and even dying, than she had been before Ted's and Chad's deaths. Dying no longer held the terror for her it once had. She knew that death was the one thing you could not control.

“That's less likely and you know it.” He sounded desperately frustrated, and after a few minutes they both got off the phone. She was not about to resign from the outreach team, and he knew it. He just didn't know what to do about it. But he stewed about it all week, and brought it up at Pip's birthday dinner again, after she went to bed.

He had taken them to dinner at a little Italian restaurant Pip had loved. The waiters had all sung “Happy Birthday” in Italian in resounding baritones, and he had given her some art supplies she'd been longing for, and a sweatshirt with “You're My Best Friend” painted on it. He had done the artwork himself, and she was thrilled. It had been a lovely evening, and as always, Ophélie was grateful to him. But she also knew what was coming next. She could see it on his face, and he knew she did. They were getting to know each other well.

“You know what I'm going to say, don't you?” he asked, looking serious, and Ophélie nodded, almost sorry that Pip had gone to bed.

“I suspect.” She smiled at him. It touched her that he cared about them so much. She cared about him too, and she realized each time she saw him how increasingly attached to him she was. She had come to expect him to be part of her life, and Pip's, in whatever form.

“Have you given it any more thought? I truly think you should resign from the outreach team.” He looked at her intently.

“I know you do. Pip said I should tell you that no one on the team has ever been hurt. They're careful and smart, and they know what they're doing out there. They're not fools, Matt, and neither am I. Does that reassure you at all?”

“No. All it means is that they've been lucky so far, and it hasn't happened yet, but it could, at any time. And you know that just as well as I do.”

“Maybe we have to have a little more faith than that. Maybe it sounds hokey to you, but I don't think God would let me get hurt doing something so worthwhile.”

“What if He's busy somewhere else on a night when you run into trouble? He has famines and floods and wars to take care of, not just you,” Matt said, and she couldn't help laughing, and finally he smiled.

“You're going to drive me crazy, you know. I've never known anyone as stubborn as you. Or as brave,” he said quietly, “or as decent. Or as foolish, unfortunately. I just don't want you to get hurt,” he said almost sadly. “You and Pip mean a great deal to me.”

“You mean a great deal to us too. You gave Pip a wonderful birthday,” she said gratefully. Her birthday the year before had been ghastly, only a week after her father's and brother's deaths. This one had been fun and as nice as Matt could make it. She was having a slumber party with four friends from school the following weekend, and she was looking forward to that too. But the dinner with Matt, and his gifts to her, had been a high point to her, and to Ophélie. She was just sorry that the outreach team and her work with them had become a bone of contention between them. She had no intention of resigning from the team, and Matt knew it. But he had every intention of continuing to reason with her about it, and put pressure on her to resign.

They finally got onto other subjects for the first time in a week, and they both seemed to relax over a glass of wine as they sat by the fire. It was so easy and comfortable being with him. She had never felt as at ease with any man in her life, not even Ted. And Matt was equally at ease with her. He looked happier when he finally left. He hadn't given up his pitched battle about her homeless work, and had no intention of doing so, but he also realized that he could have only so much influence on her, and for the moment it wasn't much. But he was doing the best he could, given the limitations of his role in her life.

And as she walked slowly up the stairs in the dark, to find Pip in her bed, as usual, she was thinking of him. He was a nice man, and a good friend, and she was lucky that someone cared about them. It had been a nice evening with him. Nicer than she wanted it to be in some ways. She worried sometimes that she was getting too attached to him, but she stopped herself from thinking of it. The situation between them seemed to be well in hand. He was her friend, and nothing more.

As he drove back to Safe Harbour, Matt was smiling to himself. He was a little shocked at what he had done before he had left her house, but it was for a good cause. The idea had only come to him as he sat next to her and happened to look past her at a photograph on the table. He had waited until she had gone to check on Pip, and then made his move. And as he drove home, thinking of the evening, and Pip's face when the waiters sang, there was a photograph of Chad in a silver frame lying on the seat, smiling up at him.

19

PIP AND OPHÉLIE DIDN'T SEE MATT AGAIN UNTIL THE father-daughter dinner nearly three weeks later. He was busy, so were they. He called to talk to Pip nearly every day. Ophélie tried to stay off the subject of the Wexler Center with him. She knew only too well how he felt about the outreach team. He wasn't angry at her, she knew, just frustrated that she refused to agree with him. And he worried about her, and Pip too.

He arrived for the father-daughter dinner in a blazer, gray slacks, a blue shirt, and red tie, and Pip looked proud when they left for the dinner, held in the gym at her school. Ophélie had dinner with Andrea that night, at a small sushi restaurant nearby. Andrea had hired a sitter, and was enjoying a few hours of being free.

“So what's happening?” she asked pointedly.

“I'm busy at the Center, Pip seems to be happy in school. That's about it for us. Everything's fine. How about you?” Ophélie looked well these days. Her work at the Center had done her good. Andrea could see it too.

“Your life sounds as boring as mine,” she said, with a disgusted look. “That's not what I meant, and you know it. What's happening with Matt?”

“He took Pip to the father-daughter dinner tonight,” Ophélie said innocently, teasing her friend beyond belief.

“I know that, you dope. What's happening with you and him? Anything?”

“Don't be ridiculous. He's going to marry Pip one day and be my son-in-law.” She looked pleased.

“You're sick. He must be gay.”

“I doubt it. But if he is, it's none of my business.” Ophélie looked unconcerned, and Andrea sat back with a frustrated look. She had recently started going out with one of her colleagues from the office, although Ophélie knew he was married. But that never seemed to bother Andrea. She'd been out with a lot of married men over the years, and said the arrangement suited her. She didn't want to get married, and didn't want a man underfoot all the time. But Ophélie had long since suspected that wasn't true. Especially now, with the baby, it would have been nice for her to get married. She just didn't have much faith that she'd find anyone anymore, and was willing to settle for whatever she could have, even if it was on loan and belonged to someone else.

“Don't you even want to go out with him?” It sounded unnatural to her. Ophélie was a beautiful woman, and she was only forty-two, nearly fortythree, but far too young to give up on men, and spend the rest of her life mourning Ted.

“Nope,” Ophélie answered quietly. “I don't want to go out with anyone. I still feel married to Ted.” And whatever she felt, or didn't, for Matt was irrelevant. They both liked the relationship as it was. Expecting more from it, or even allowing it to go there, if it did, was too high-risk for her. And she never wanted to spoil what they had now. But she said none of that to Andrea. Ophélie knew she would never have understood. She was far more given to self-indulgence than restraint, which Ophélie preferred.

“What if Ted didn't feel as married to you? What do you think he would have done if you had died instead? Do you think he would have carried a torch for you for the rest of his life?” Ophélie looked unhappy at the question. It brought up some old painful memories that Andrea was aware of. But it irked her to see Ophélie wasting her life. She didn't think Ted was worth it, no matter how much Ophélie had loved him. It just wasn't healthy for her to be alone forever because of him. And Ophélie was clearly determined to stay on the path of the celibate grieving widow for the rest of her life.

“It doesn't matter what he would have done,” she said quietly. “This is what I'm doing, and how I feel. It's what I want to do.” She had made a choice for herself, and was comfortable with it, no matter how kind and attractive Matt was.

“Maybe Matt just doesn't turn you on. What about the homeless place you work? Is there anyone there? What's the director like?” She was clutching at straws for her friend's benefit, and Ophélie laughed at her.

“I like her very much. And she's a woman.”

“I give up. You're hopeless.” Andrea threw up her hands.

“Good. How about you? What's this new guy like?”

“Just my cup of tea. His wife is having twins in December. He says she's brain dead, and the marriage has been in trouble for years, which is why she got pregnant. Dumb thing to do, but people do it. He's not the love of my life, but we have a good time together.” Until the babies came, and he fell in love with his wife again, or didn't. But it was no solution for Andrea, and they both knew it. She claimed she didn't want a “solution,” just an occasional roll in the hay to prove to herself she wasn't dead yet.

“He doesn't sound like the answer,” Ophélie said sympathetically, sorry for her. Andrea had made so many poor choices in her life, for such a long time.

“He isn't. It'll do for now. He'll be too busy when the babies come anyway. Right now, she's on bed rest, and they haven't had sex since June.” Just listening to her was depressing. Everything she described was all that Ophélie had never wanted. It was all about expediency and convenience and settling for less than she deserved, just to have a warm body in her bed.

As difficult as Ted may have been, Ophélie loved their marriage. Loved being married to him and loving him, and supporting him emotionally in their years of poverty, celebrating with and for him when he made it. She loved their loyalty, and the fact that they'd been together forever. She had never cheated on him, nor wanted to. And even if he had slipped once, she knew he loved her, and had forgiven him. It horrified her now to think that she was single again, and the dating world terrified her. She was much happier at home with Pip, than out carousing with men who were cheating on their wives, or even bachelors who wanted to stay that way, and were just looking to get laid. She couldn't think of anything worse. And she had no desire to spoil her friendship with Matt, hurt him, or get hurt again. She cherished what they had, just as it was. They were much better off as friends, no matter what Andrea thought.

He and Pip came home at ten-thirty that night. She looked happy and disheveled, her shirt had come untucked from her skirt, and he had his tie in his pocket. They had eaten fried chicken, and danced to rap music the girls had selected. And they both said they'd had a great time.

“I'm not so sure about their music,” he said, laughing with Ophélie, as she poured him a glass of white wine, after Pip went to bed. “Pip seems to love it. And she sure can dance.”

“I used to love to dance too,” Ophélie said with a happy smile. She was glad they had had a good time. As usual, he had saved the day for them. And Pip had gone to bed beaming from ear to ear. Ophélie suspected she had a crush on him, but it seemed harmless and reasonable to her. Matt wasn't even aware of it, which seemed a good thing. If he had known, it might have embarrassed Pip.

“And now? You don't love to dance anymore?” he asked with a broad grin as they sat down.

“Ted hated to dance, although he was a fairly decent dancer. I haven't danced in years.” And she realized now that she wasn't likely to again. Not the way she chose to live. Pip was going to have to do all the dancing in the family from now on. She told herself she was over the hill. The Widow Mackenzie was in seclusion, and intended to stay that way. It was one of the many things she accepted about her situation. She would never make love again either. She didn't even allow herself to think about it.

“Maybe we should go dancing sometime, just to keep your hand in. Or your feet,” he teased, and she smiled. She knew he was just being silly with her. He was in high spirits after his evening with Pip.

“I think my feet are pretty much past it by now. Besides, I agree with you about Pip's music. Pretty scary stuff. She puts on the radio every day on the way to school, and nearly deafens me.”

“I thought about that tonight too. Industrial injury at seventh-grade dance. It's okay, as an artist, it's no great loss. It would be tough if I were a composer or a conductor.” They went on chatting for a while, and for once, he didn't mention the outreach team, and she was relieved. Her work with them had been going well, and there had been no untoward events in recent weeks. More than ever, she felt safe and comfortable with them. And she and Bob had become good friends. She gave him gratuitous advice about his kids, although he seemed to be doing fine on his own, and she talked a lot about Pip. He had just started dating his wife's best friend, which she thought was sweet, and probably good for his kids, who were crazy about her. She was happy for him.

It was nearly midnight when Matt left. It was a beautiful starry night, and she knew it would be peaceful and lovely on his drive home. She envied him. She missed the beach. And then, just before he drove off, she waved and ran down the steps. She had wanted to ask him something.

“I almost forgot. What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” It was in three weeks, and she had been meaning to ask him for weeks.

“Same thing I do every year. Ignore it. I am the original Bah Humbug person. I don't believe in turkeys. Or Christmas. They're against my religion.” It was easy for her to guess why. Since his children had gone out of his life, she was sure the holidays were painful for him, but maybe with her and Pip, it would be all right, and a little more appealing to him.

“Do you have any desire to change that? Pip and Andrea and I are going to have it here. What do you think?”

“I think you're sweet to ask me. But I'm not very good at all that anymore. Too much water under the bridge, or under the turkey, as it were. Why don't you and Pip come out for the day, the day after? I'd like that, if you want to come.”

“I'm sure Pip would, and so would I.” She didn't want to press him about Thanksgiving. She could only imagine how hard it must be for him. Just as it was for her now. The holidays had been hateful the year before. “I just thought I'd ask.” She was slightly disappointed, but concealed it from him. He had already done more than enough for them. He didn't owe them anything.

“Thank you,” he said, looking touched in spite of his refusal of her invitation.

“Thank you for taking Pip to her dance,” she said, smiling at him.

“I loved it. I'm going to listen to rap music every day, and see if I can learn to dance. I don't want to embarrass her next year.” It was nice that he even thought that way, Ophélie thought to herself, as he drove off. He was indeed a nice man. It was funny how people learned to survive, she mused. One learned to make do, and to make shift, and substitute and rely on friends instead of mates and spouses. They became family to each other, huddled together like people in a lifeboat in a storm. It wasn't what she had expected to do with her life, but it worked. It gave them each what they needed. It wasn't the kind of family unit she'd once had, but it was all they had now, and what worked for them. Like it or not, they had no other choice, and she was grateful for the kind hands that appeared in the dark, and held theirs, like Matt's. She was infinitely grateful to him as she locked the front door, walked upstairs, and went to bed in the silent house.

20

THANKSGIVING WAS EVEN HARDER THAN SHE'D EX-pected. There was something brutal about the holidays without Ted or Chad. There was no way to dress it up, soften it, or pretend it was less painful than it was. And when she said grace to the small group at her kitchen table, expressing gratitude for all they had to share, and asking for God's blessing on her lost son and husband, she broke down and sobbed. Pip cried with her. And watching them, Andrea began to cry, and seeing all the misery around him, her baby William began to howl too. Even Mousse looked unnerved. It was so awful that after a minute Ophélie started to laugh. And they spent the rest of the day alternating between hysterical laughter and tears.

The turkey was respectable, but no one really wanted to eat it, and the stuffing was somewhat dry. It just wasn't a meal that anyone enjoyed. They had decided to eat in the kitchen, because at almost seven months, waving his chubby arms in his high chair, they knew Willie would make a mess. Ophélie was grateful they weren't in the dining room, where all she would have been able to imagine was Ted carving the turkey, as he had done every year, and Chad dressed in his suit, complaining bitterly about having to wear a tie. The memories and the loss were too fresh.

Andrea went home at the end of the afternoon with her baby, and Pip went to her room to draw. It had not been an easy day. She came out of her room just in time to see her mother about to slip into Chad's room, and she looked at her with pleading eyes.

“Please don't go in there, Mom, it'll just make you sad.” She knew what she did in there, lying miserably on Chad's bed, smelling what was left of his scent, and feeling his aura around her. She just lay there and cried for hours. Pip could always hear her through the closed door, and it broke her heart. There was no way she could take his place in her mother's eyes. And it was impossible for Ophélie to explain to her that it wasn't that she was inadequate or meant less than he had, it was simply a loss that no one could dim, a loss that nothing could replace, an unfillable void. No other child could fill it, but that didn't mean she loved Pip any less.

“I'll just go in for a minute,” Ophélie looked at her pleadingly as tears filled Pip's eyes, and then silently she went back into her room and closed the door. The look in Pip's eyes made Ophélie feel guilty for going into Chad's room, and instead she walked into her own room, and stood in her closet, staring at Ted's clothes. She needed something, someone, one of them, anything, an object, a touch, one of his jackets, a shirt, something familiar that still smelled of him, or of his cologne. It was an insatiable need that no one could understand unless they had suffered a similar loss. All that was left were their possessions and their clothes, the things they had touched or worn, or carried, or handled. She had worn his wedding ring for the past year, on a thin chain around her neck. No one knew it was there, but she did, and her hand went to it from time to time, just to reassure herself that he had in fact existed, that they had been married, and she had once been loved. It was almost hard to remember that now. It was an overwhelming feeling of panic at times, realizing yet again that he was gone, and would never return. She felt a wave of panic overwhelm her as she clutched one of his jackets to her face, as it hung in the closet next to her, and as though she could feel his arms around her, she took it off the hanger and put it on.

She stood in the closet, feeling like a lost child, as the sleeves hung down, and she wrapped her arms around herself. She could feel something rustle in one of the pockets as she did, and without thinking she reached inside. It was a letter, and for an insane moment, she wanted it to be a letter from him to her, but it wasn't. It was a single typed sheet someone had written on a computer, with an initial at the bottom of the page. She felt uncomfortable reading it since it hadn't been written to her, but it was something, some piece of him, something that he had once touched and read. And her eyes traveled slowly down the page. For a moment, she almost wondered if she'd written it herself, but she knew she hadn't, and she felt her heart begin to pound as she read what it said.

“Darling Ted,” it began, and it did not get better, but worse. “I know this has come as a shock to both of us, but sometimes the greatest blows turn out to be life's greatest gifts. This isn't what I intended either. But I believe it's what is meant to be. I'm not as young as I used to be, and to be honest, I'm afraid I won't get another chance, with you or anyone else. This baby means everything to me, more than anything in this world, because it's yours.

“I know this isn't what you planned, nor I. This started out as a little fun, a harmless thing between the two of us. We've always had so much in common, and I know how hard these last few years have been at home for you. No one knows better than I. I think she's mishandled things, for you, and for Chad, and more importantly between the two of you. I'm not even convinced he would have attempted suicide, if in fact he did, if she hadn't alienated you from him. I know only too well how hard this has been for you. And like you, I'm not all that convinced he really has problems. I have never truly believed the diagnosis, and I think it's possible that the so-called suicide attempts were only bids for your attention, maybe even asking you to save him from her. I think she has misjudged this whole thing since the beginning. And maybe the answer, if we wind up together as I hope we will and you say we might, is for her to keep Pip, and you and I to have Chad with us. He might be a lot happier than he is now, with her buzzing around him like a hornet, in a constant panic about him. That can't be good for him either. And he is a lot more like us, you and me, than he is like her. It's obvious to both of us that she doesn't understand him. Maybe because he's smarter than she is, maybe even smarter than we are. In any case, if it's what you want, I'd be willing to try it, and have him live with us, if that's what you decide.

“As for us, I firmly believe that this is only the beginning. Your life with her is over. It has been for years. She doesn't see it, or want to. She can't. She is completely dependent on you and the children. She has no life. She doesn't want one. She feeds off of you, and them, in order to give her life meaning. It doesn't have one. She'll have to find a life of her own, sooner or later. Maybe in the long run, this is what she needs, to jolt her into realizing how pointless her life is, how empty, and how little she has come to mean to you. She drains you. She sucks all the life from you, and has for years.

“This baby, whoever he or she will be, is our bond to each other, our link to the future. I know that you have made no firm decision yet, but I think I know what you want, as you do. All you have to do is reach out and claim it, as you claimed me. As you reached out nearly a year ago now. This baby would never have happened if it wasn't meant to be, if you didn't want us as badly as I do.

“We have six months to figure it out, to make the right moves, until the baby comes. Six months to end the old life, and start a new one. I can't think of anything more important, or better, or that I want more. You have my faith in you, my loyalty, my love for you, my admiration and respect for all that you are, and have been to me.

“The future is ours. Our baby is coming. Our life will begin soon, just as his will, or hers, although I feel sure it is a boy, just like you. God is offering us a new life, a fresh start, the life we have always wanted, between two people who understand and respect each other, two people who are in fact one now in this child.

“I love you with all my heart, and I promise you that if you come to me, when you come to me, because I believe you will, you will be happy as you've never been. The future, my darling, is ours. As I am yours, with all my love. A.”

The date on it was a week before his death, and Ophélie felt as though she were going to have a heart attack, and she fell to her knees as she read, and reread it yet again. She couldn't believe what she was reading, and she couldn't imagine who it could be. It was unthinkable. This couldn't have happened. It was a lie. A cruel trick someone had played on them. She wondered if it was a blackmail letter, as the coat slipped off her shoulders and fell to the floor as she held the letter in her trembling hand.

She clung to the wall to help herself up, and stared blindly ahead, still holding the letter. And then as she knew, as she thought of it, as it came to her, she wanted to die. The baby spoken of in the letter had been born, if it had been, six months after he died. William Theodore. She hadn't dared name him Ted, but she had come close enough. And it was not the honor she had claimed it was for her dead friend. The baby had been named for his father. Ted's middle name was William. All she had done was reverse the names. The baby was his, not from a sperm bank. And the letter could only be Andrea's. The single signed letter “A” was her initial, and she had even manipulated him about Chad, played into his desperate need for denial, and criticized her. The letter had been written by the woman who had claimed for eighteen years to be her best friend. It was beyond belief, beyond thinking, beyond bearing. Andrea had betrayed her. And so had he. All it could mean was that when he died, he hadn't loved her. He had been in love with Andrea, and had fathered her baby. Ophélie was still holding the letter when she went into the bathroom and got violently ill. She was standing over the sink, looking deathly pale when Pip found her. And she could see that her mother was shaking violently.

“Mom, are you okay?” Pip looked panicked. “What's wrong?” Her mother looked frighteningly ill, and so pale she looked green.

“Nothing,” she croaked, rinsing her mouth out. All she had thrown up was bile and a little bit of turkey. She had eaten almost nothing. But she felt as though she had retched up all her insides along with her heart and her soul and her marriage.

“Do you want to lie down?” Pip offered. It had been a horrible day for all of them, and now she was desperately worried about her mother. She looked like she was going to die, and wished she would.

“I will in a minute. I'll be fine.” Even she knew it was a lie. She would never be fine again. And what if he had left her? What if he had done that and not died? And taken Chad with him. It would have killed her, and maybe Chad, if they both had denial. But he was dead anyway. They both were. It no longer mattered. And now he had killed her, as surely as if he had shot her. The letter made a travesty of their marriage, not to mention her friendship with Andrea. She couldn't understand how anyone could do that to her, how she could be so insidious and so treacherous, so dishonest and so cruel.

“Mommy, go lie down, please …” Pip was nearly crying. She hadn't called her mother Mommy since she was a baby. And she was very frightened.

“I need to go out for a minute.” Ophélie turned to look at her daughter, and this time the robot had not returned, she looked like a vampire, with icy white face and red-ringed watering eyes. Pip almost didn't recognize her, and didn't want to. She wanted her mother back, wherever she had gone to in the last hour. Whoever this was didn't even look like her mother. “Can you stay here alone?”

“Where are you going? Do you want me to come with you?” Pip was shaking now too.

“No. I'll only be gone for a few minutes. Just keep the doors locked, and keep Moussy with you.” She sounded like her mother, but she didn't look it. And suddenly Ophélie had a singleness of purpose, and a power she never knew she had. She could understand suddenly how people committed crimes of passion. But she didn't want to kill her. She just wanted to see her, to take one last look at her, the woman who had destroyed their marriage, who had turned her memories of Ted and what they had shared to ashes. She couldn't even allow herself to hate him. Everything she felt, all the agony and horror of the last year was now focused on Andrea in a single moment of time, like a bullet. But the bullet had struck Ophélie and run straight through her. And there was nothing she could do to them to equal what they had done to her.

Pip stood at the top of the stairs looking frightened as her mother left. She didn't know what to do, or who to call, or what to say. She just sat on the steps, and pulled Mousse close to her. He licked her face, and her tears, as they sat there and waited for Ophélie to come back.

She drove the ten blocks to Andrea's house without stopping. She drove through crosswalks and stop signs, and one stoplight, and left her car parked on the sidewalk. She had made no call of warning, and she ran up the stairs and rang the doorbell. She had worn no coat over her thin shirt, not even a sweater, and she felt nothing. It took Andrea only a moment to answer the doorbell. She was holding the baby in his pajamas, and they both smiled the minute they saw her.

“Hi …” Andrea started to greet her warmly, and saw instantly that she was shaking. She had put the letter in her pocket. “Are you okay? Did something happen? Where's Pip?”

“Yes, something happened.” Ophélie stood in the open doorway, and pulled the letter from her pocket with hands that shook so violently, she could hardly control them. “I found your letter.” Her face got even paler, and was instantly matched by Andrea's. She made no attempt to deny it. They looked like two chalk women standing in the doorway, with the wind blowing in around them.

“Do you want to come in?” There were things to say, but Ophélie didn't want to hear them, and did not move from where she stood.

“How could you? How could you do that for a year, and pretend to be my friend? How could you have his baby and pretend it was from a sperm bank? How dare you say what you did about Chad to manipulate his father? You knew how Ted felt about him. It was all a manipulation, you probably didn't even love him. You don't love anyone, Andrea. Not me, not him, probably not even that poor baby. And you would have taken Chad from me, just to impress Ted, and he would have killed himself while you were playing games, using him as a lure. You're beyond pathetic. You're evil. You are the worst kind of human being. I hate you… you destroyed the only thing I had left… the belief that he loved me…he didn't… and you didn't love him either. I did. I always always loved him, no matter how rotten he was to me, or how much he wasn't there for me, or for his children…you don't love anything…my God, how could you do this?” She felt as though she were going to die standing there, but she no longer cared. They had destroyed her. It took them a year after his death, but even after his death, they had done it. Both of them. She couldn't even begin to understand why. “I want you to stay away from me… and from Pip… don't ever call us. Don't contact me. You're dead as far as I'm concerned. Forever. Just as dead as he is…do you hear me…” Ophélie's voice broke in a sob.

Andrea didn't argue with her, and she was shaking too, as she held the baby. They were both cold and in shock, and badly shaken, and Andrea knew she deserved it. She had worried endlessly about what he had done with the letter, but when it never surfaced, she assumed he had destroyed it, and hoped he had. But there was one last thing she wanted to say to the woman who had been her friend and never betrayed her.

“I want you to listen to me…I only have one thing to say to you other than that I am so sorry… I'll never forgive myself either, but at least the baby is worth it…it wasn't his fault.”

“I don't give a damn about you or your baby.” But the trouble was she did, about both of them, which was why this was so exquisitely painful, and even more so knowing that the baby was his…he even looked like him, she saw now…more than Chad had.

“Listen to me, Ophélie. And hear me. He hadn't made up his mind yet. He told me he didn't see how he could ever leave you, you had been so good to him in the beginning, and always, he knew that…he was a selfish man, he only did what he wanted to, and he wanted me, but I think he was only playing. We had a lot in common. I wanted him. I always did. And when I saw my chance, when you and the kids were in France, I took it. I grabbed it. He didn't. He walked right into it, but I'm not even sure he loved me. Maybe he didn't. He might never have left you. He hadn't decided. You have to know that. He did not die, having decided to leave you. He wasn't sure. That's why I wrote him the letter. I was trying to convince him. You can see that. He may well have decided to stay with you. I'm not sure he ever loved either of us, to tell you the truth. I'm not even sure he was capable of it. He was brilliant and narcissistic. I don't know if he loved me. But if he loved either of us, if he loved anyone, it was you. He said so. And I think he believed it. I always thought he was a shit to you, and you deserved better. But I do think, to the extent that he could, he loved you. And I want you to know that now.”

“Don't ever speak to me again.” Ophélie spat the words at her, and then turned, and on trembling legs she walked back down the stairs to her car. She had left it running on the sidewalk. She didn't look back at Andrea. She never wanted to see her again, and Andrea knew she wouldn't. Andrea was sobbing as she watched her drive off erratically, but at least she had told Ophélie the truth, as she knew it. Ted hadn't been sure what he was going to do. And he may have loved neither of them, but at least Ophélie deserved to know that he felt he owed her something, and might have stayed with her. Ophélie might well have been the winner and not the loser. But in the end, they had all lost. Ted, Chad, Ophélie, Andrea, and even her baby… all losers. He had died with the decision unmade, and instead of destroying the letter, he had left it for her to find it. Maybe he wanted her to. Maybe he expected her to. Maybe it was his way of manipulating the solution. Neither of them would ever know. But all Andrea had left to give her was the truth, that he wasn't sure, that he didn't know when he died…and that maybe… only maybe…he had loved her, as best he could.

21

OPHÉLIE NEVER KNEW HOW SHE DROVE BACK TO THE house, or how she got there. She parked the car in their driveway, and went inside. Pip was still sitting where she had left her on the steps, clinging to the dog.

“What happened? Where did you go?” If humanly possible, her mother looked even worse than she had half an hour earlier, and she felt sick again as she crawled up the stairs, and walked into her bedroom looking dazed.

“Nothing happened,” she said, with eyes that only stared, and a heart that had been gouged out with a single letter. They had done it together. He and Andrea. It had taken them a year, but they had finally killed her. Ophélie turned to look at Pip as though she couldn't see her. As though she was blind suddenly. The robot had returned, and it was utterly, totally broken, with sparks shooting everywhere, a system that had misfired and was self-destroying as Pip watched. “I'm going to bed now” was all she said to Pip, and then turned off the lights and lay there, staring into space. Pip would have screamed if she had dared, but she was afraid to make things even worse. She ran to her father's den then and dialed the phone. She was crying when he answered. He couldn't understand her at first, and he sounded unusually happy.

“Something happened… there's something wrong with my mother.” Matt came sharply to earth as he listened. He had never heard Pip sound like that, not even close. She was panicked, and he could hear the tremor in her voice.

“Is she hurt? Tell me quickly, Pip. Do you need to call 911?”

“I don't know. I think she's gone crazy. She won't tell me.” She described everything that had happened, and he asked to speak to her mother. But when she went back to her mother's room, the door was locked and she wouldn't answer. Pip was crying harder when she came back to speak to him on the phone. He didn't like the sound of any of it, but he was afraid to make matters worse by calling the police and having them break down the door. He told Pip to go back and knock again, and tell her he was on the phone.

Pip knocked for a long time, and she could finally hear a sound in the room. It sounded as though something had fallen down, like a lamp or a table, and then slowly she opened the door. She looked like she'd been crying, and still was, but she didn't look as crazed as she had half an hour before.

Pip looked at her in despair, and touched her hand as though to make sure she was real, and spoke in a shaking voice. “Matt's on the phone. He wants to talk to you.”

“Tell him I'm tired,” she said, looking down at her now-only child, as though seeing her for the first time. “I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry …” She finally understood what she was doing to her child, it was what they had done to her. “Tell him I can't talk right now. I'll call him tomorrow.”

“He says if you don't talk to him, he's coming in.” Ophélie wanted to tell her that she shouldn't have called him, but she knew Pip had no one else to call.

Ophélie didn't say another word, she walked back into her bedroom and picked up the phone. It was dark, but Pip could see the lamp she'd knocked over on the floor. It was the noise she had heard. She had stumbled in the dark.

“Hello.” It sounded like a voice from the dead, and Matt was as worried as Pip had been.

“Ophélie, what's happening? Pip is scared to death. Do you want me to come in?” She knew he would, all she had to do was ask, but she didn't want him or anyone else. Not even Pip. Not yet. Not right now. Or maybe ever. She had never felt so alone in her life, not even on the day he died.

“I'm all right,” she said unconvincingly. “Don't come in.”

“Tell me what happened.” He was firm, and strong.

“I can't.” It was the voice of a waif. “Not now.”

“I want you to tell me what's wrong.” She shook her head, and he could hear her sob. He was worried sick. “I'm coming in.”

“Please don't. I want to be alone.” She sounded saner again. She was coming in and out of some kind of hysteria, or panic, and he had no idea what it was.

“You can't do this to Pip.”

“I know…I know… I'm sorry …” She couldn't stop crying.

“I want to come in, but I don't want to intrude on you. I wish I knew what the hell is happening.”

“I can't talk about it now.”

“Do you think you can pull yourself together?” It sounded like she had snapped, and at that distance, he couldn't assess how bad it was. It sounded pretty bad to him. And he had no idea what had caused it. Maybe the holiday. Maybe she couldn't stand the reality of her double loss. What he didn't know was that it was now a treble loss, she had lost not only Ted and Chad, but all her illusions about their marriage as well. It was almost more than she could bear.

“I don't know,” she said in answer to his question.

“Do you want me to get help?” He was still thinking of calling 911. He thought of calling Andrea, she was closer, but a sixth sense he didn't quite trust told him not to call anyone.

“No, don't call. I'll be all right. I just need time.”

“Do you have anything you can take to calm down?” Although he didn't like that idea either. He didn't want her sedated and alone with Pip. That would be upsetting for her too.

“I don't need anything to calm down. I'm dead. They killed me.” She was crying harder again.

“Who killed you?”

“I don't want to talk about it. Ted is gone.”

“I know he is. I know …” It was worse than he thought, and for a minute he wondered if she was drunk.

“I mean really gone. Forever. And so is our marriage. I'm not even sure it ever was.” Andrea's reassurances meant nothing now.

“I understand,” he said, mostly to calm her down.

“No, you don't. And neither did I. I found a letter.”

“From Ted?” He sounded shocked. “Like a suicide note?” He suddenly wondered if he had killed himself and Chad. It would have explained how she sounded. Not much else would.

“A homicide note.” Ophélie was not making sense. But clearly, something terrible had happened.

“Ophélie, do you think you can get through the night?”

“Do I have a choice?” She sounded dead.

“No, you don't, not with Pip there. The only choice you have is whether I come into town or not.” But for once, he didn't want to leave the beach. He wanted to explain it to her, but not now. It had to wait.

“I can get through the night.” What difference did it make now? Nothing did, from her perspective.

“I want you and Pip to come out tomorrow.” It was what they had planned, and now more than ever, he wanted her there, or he would come in.

“I don't think I can.” She was being honest with him. She couldn't imagine driving to Safe Harbour. And he didn't like the idea either. She was in no condition to drive.

“If you're not up to it, I'll drive in. I'll call you in the morning. And I'll call you in an hour to see how you are. Maybe you should sleep alone tonight, if you're too upset. It sounds like you need some time to yourself, and this might be hard on Pip.” It already was.

“I'll ask her what she wants. You don't have to call me back. I'll be fine.”

“I'm not convinced yet,” he said, sounding strained, he was worried about both of them. “Let me talk to Pip.” She called Pip to the phone, and Pip took it in the den. Matt told her to call him if anything happened, and if things got too bad, to call 911.

“She looks a little better,” Pip reported, and when she went back to see her mother, Ophélie had turned the lights on in her room. She still looked deathly pale, but she was trying to reassure Pip.

“I'm sorry. I just…I think I got scared.” It was all she could say to explain what had happened to her. She was not going to tell her the story. Ever. Or that Andrea's baby was her half brother.

“Me too,” Pip said quietly, and crawled onto her mother's bed and into her arms. She felt icy cold, and Pip gently put a blanket on her to keep her warm. “Do you want anything, Mom?” She brought her a glass of water, and Ophélie took a sip, just to please the child. She felt terrible that she had frightened her so badly. She had nearly lost her mind, and had for a while.

“I'm okay. Why don't you sleep here tonight?” Ophélie took her clothes off and put her nightgown on, and Pip came back in her pajamas with the dog. They lay holding each other for a long time, and then Matt called. Pip assured him that everything was all right, and she sounded better, so he had to assume they were. It sounded as though it had been a rotten night for both of them. And before he hung up, he assured Pip that one way or another, he would see her the next day. And for the first time that night, Matt told Pip he loved her. He knew she needed to hear it, and he needed to say it to her.

Pip snuggled up to her mother then, and neither of them slept for a long time. Pip kept glancing up to check on her mother, and when they finally fell asleep, they slept with the lights on that night, to keep the demons away.

Matt's Thanksgiving had been at the opposite end of the spectrum from theirs. He had been prepared to ignore it, as he always did, or had for the past six years. He worked on Pip's portrait, and was pleased with the results. And then made himself a tuna fish sandwich. He liked doing everything he could to prove to himself it wasn't Thanksgiving Day. Even a turkey sandwich by coincidence would have been an affront. And he was washing the plate he'd eaten the sandwich on when he heard a knock at the door. He couldn't imagine who it was. He was expecting no one, and his neighbors never bothered him. It had to be a mistake. He thought of ignoring it, but the knock was persistent. So he finally strode to the door and pulled it open, and stared at the unfamiliar face. There was a tall young man standing there with brown eyes and dark hair, and he had a beard. The odd thing was that the face wasn't entirely unfamiliar to him. He realized with consternation that he had seen that face, in the mirror, years before. The experience was entirely surreal. It was like looking at himself. He had even had a beard at the same age. It was like looking at the ghost of Christmas past. And then the man spoke, and Matt felt a lump rise in his throat.

“Dad?” It was Robert. The boy who had been twelve the last time he saw him. His only son. Risen from the ashes of his life. Matt said not a word, but pulled him close to him and held him so tight he could hardly breathe. He had no idea how he had found him, or why he was there. Matt was just grateful he was.

“Oh my God,” Matt said, loosening his grip on him, unable to believe it had finally happened. He had always believed they would see each other again one day. He didn't know how or when, but he had always sensed that they would. “What are you doing here?”

“I go to Stanford. I've been looking for you for months. I lost your address, and Mom said she didn't have it.”

“She said what?” They were still standing in the doorway, and Matt waved him in with a puzzled expression. “Sit down.” He waved him at the weathered leather couch, and Robert sat down and smiled. He was as pleased as his father. He had promised himself he would find him, and he had.

“She said she lost track of you when you stopped writing,” Robert said quietly.

“She sends me a Christmas card every year. She knows where I am.” Robert looked at him strangely, and Matt suddenly felt sick.

“She said she hadn't heard from you in years.”

“I wrote to both of you for four years after you stopped writing, you and Vanessa,” Matt said, looking stricken.

“We didn't stop writing, you did.” Robert looked shocked.

“No, I didn't. Your mother said you didn't want me in your lives anymore, you only wanted Hamish. I'd been writing to you for three years by then, with no response. Eventually, she asked me if I'd let him adopt you, and I wouldn't. You're my children, and you always will be. But after three years of silence from you, I finally gave up. It's been another three years since then. But your mother and I always stayed in touch. She said you were both happier without me in your life, you and Vanessa, and wanted it that way. So I let you be.”

It took the entire afternoon to piece all of it together, but it was obvious what had happened, once each told the other their part of the story. It was obvious that Sally had withheld his letters, and told them he'd stopped writing. She had told Matt that his children no longer wanted contact with him. She had seen to it that Hamish replaced him, and possibly even lied to her new husband about it. She had cleverly and maliciously cut Matt out of their lives, she thought, forever, and cheated him of his children, and them of their father, for six years. It had been cleverly done, almost brilliantly, and had succeeded for the past six years. Robert said he had been looking for him since September, and finally found him three days before. It had been his Thanksgiving gift to himself to drive over and surprise him. His only fear was that Matt would refuse to see him. He had never understood why his father had abandoned them, and was afraid that he wouldn't want to see him now. He had never expected the reception he got or the story he had just heard. They both cried when they realized what had happened, and they embraced each other again and again as they sat beside each other on the couch. It was dark outside by the time all the mysteries were solved. And Robert showed him a picture of Vanessa, who was a beautiful, blond sixteen-year-old girl. They called her a few minutes later, Robert knew where she was, and for her it was three in the afternoon.

“I have a surprise for you,” Robert said mysteriously, overwhelmed by what he was about to do, and there were tears in Matt's eyes, as they held hands. “I've got a lot to tell you, and we'll talk about it later. I'll explain everything. But there's someone here who wants to say hello to you.”

“Hi, Nessie,” Matt said gently, and for an instant, there was silence on the other end of the phone, as tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Dad?” She still sounded like a little girl to him. She sounded just as she always had, only a little more grown up. And in a minute she was crying too. “Where are you? I don't understand. How did Robert find you?…I was always so scared you had died and no one knew. Mom never knew anything. She said you just disappeared off the face of the earth.” But not as far as she would have liked. What a vicious thing to do. And all the while, she'd been cashing his support checks and sending Christmas cards.

“We'll talk about it sometime. I didn't go anywhere. I thought you did. Robert will explain later, and so will I. I just wanted to tell you I love you… I've wanted to tell you that for the last six years. It looks like Mom played a little game with all of us. I wrote to you guys for three years and never got any answers.” He at least wanted her to know that.

“We never got your letters,” she said, sounding confused. It was a lot for any of them to absorb. A heinous crime had been committed by the mother they trusted, and the woman he had once loved.

“I know. Don't say anything to your mother. I'll talk to her about it myself. I'm just glad to talk to you. I want to see you,” he said hungrily. “I'll come over soon. Maybe we can all spend Christmas together.”

“Wow! That would be so cool.” She still sounded like an American kid, and a slightly older version of Pip. He wanted Pip and Ophélie to meet them too.

“I'll call you in a few days. We have a lot of catching up to do. You look gorgeous in the picture Robert showed me. You've got Mom's hair.” But fortunately not her heart. Or her twisted mind. He couldn't believe that the woman he had loved and been married to had cheated him out of his own children for six years. He couldn't think of anything worse. He couldn't even begin to imagine what had gone through her head. He had a lot to say to her, but he wanted to cool off first, or he knew he wouldn't even be coherent. He was going to call Hamish too. He assumed he'd been part of her plot, but Robert didn't seem to think he was, and still insisted he was a nice guy. At least he'd been decent to them. But what Sally had done was unforgivable. And he knew he never would.

He and Vanessa talked for a few more minutes and then she talked to Robert, and he tried to explain as much as he knew. It sounded incredible to them too, but Robert believed his father. He could see in his eyes that it was the truth, and he could also see what it had cost him. There was a depth of pain that Matt hadn't been able to hide in years, even from his son now. Seeing that, and knowing what had happened put Robert's relationship with his mother on the line, which was hard for him too.

Matt and Robert talked for hours and were still talking when Pip called about her mother. Robert listened intently to the exchange.

“What was that all about?” he asked, wanting to know everything about him now, including who his friends were and what his life was like.

“A widow and her daughter. Apparently, some-thing's wrong.”

“Is she your girlfriend?” Robert asked with a smile as Matt shook his head.

“No, she's not. We're just friends. She's had a tough time. Her husband and son died last year.”

“That's too bad. Do you have a girlfriend?” Robert asked with a grin. He was so happy just being there, he wanted to soak it all in. Matt had given him a sandwich and a glass of wine by then, but Robert was too excited to eat or drink.

“No, I don't have a girlfriend.” Matt laughed. “Or a wife. I'm a recluse.”

“And you still paint.” He saw the portraits of himself and his sister, and then stared at the one of Pip. “Who's that?”

“The little girl on the phone.”

“She looks like Nessie,” Robert said, looking intently at the painting. There was something mesmerizing about her eyes, and touching about her smile.

“Yes, she does. I painted that as a surprise for her mother, for her birthday next week.”

“It's good. Are you sure her mother's not your girlfriend?” There was something about the way he talked about her that made Robert suspicious.

“Absolutely sure. Now what about you? Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?” Robert laughed in answer and told him about his current love, his classes at Stanford, his friends, his passions, and his life. They had six years to cover, and cruised through midnight as they sat talking for most of the night. It was four A.M. when Robert fell into Matt's bed, and Matt slept on the couch. Robert hadn't intended to spend the night, but couldn't bring himself to leave.

And when he woke up in the morning, they started talking again. Matt cooked him bacon and eggs, and at ten o'clock Robert said he had to go, but he promised to come back the following week. He had plans for the weekend. Matt said he'd come down to see him at Stanford during the week.

“You'll never get rid of me now,” Matt warned, looking happier than he had in years. And so did Robert.

“I never wanted to, Dad,” he said gently. “I thought you'd forgotten us. The only way that I could explain it to myself was I thought you had died. I didn't think you'd stop writing for any other reason. I knew you wouldn't just walk away, no matter what. But I just had to know for sure.” He had used all kinds of ingenious means to find him, and his efforts had finally borne fruit.

“Thank God you found me. I was going to contact you and Nessie in a few years, and find out if you'd had a change of heart, and wanted to see me again. I hadn't given up, I was just waiting.” And there was the whole issue of what to say to Sally. But more importantly, what could she possibly say to him to explain what she had done? And what could she say to her children? She had deprived them of their father, and lied to all of them. It seemed an unforgivable sin, not only in Matt's eyes, but in her son's. She had a lot of reckoning to do. And justifiably, they would never trust her again.

Robert left reluctantly, finally, at ten-thirty on Friday morning. It had been the best Thanksgiving of Matt's life, and he couldn't wait to tell Ophélie and Pip. But he had to see what had happened to Ophélie first, and how she was. He dialed their number only seconds after Robert left. Matt felt like a new man, or the man he had once been. He was a man with children again. There was no feeling like it in the world. And he knew Ophélie and Pip would be happy for him.

Pip answered the phone on the second ring. She sounded serious, but not upset, and reported to him in an undertone that her mom seemed okay, or at least better than the night before. And then she went to tell Ophélie Matt was on the phone and wanted to talk to her.

“How are you?” he asked calmly when she came to the phone.

“I don't know. Numb, I think.” She didn't offer more.

“You had a hell of a night. Are you coming out?”

“I'm not sure.” She sounded indecisive and still shaken. But he was fully prepared to come into town if she wanted, it would have been harder the night before, with Robert there. But he would have, if necessary, and even brought his son with him. He could hardly wait to tell Ophélie and Pip what had happened.

“Do you want me to come in? It might do you good to come out here. We can take a walk on the beach. Whatever you prefer.”

She hesitated as she thought about it, and she had to admit, the idea appealed to her. She wanted to get out of the house, and away from everything that reminded her of him. She wasn't even sure yet what she was going to tell Matt. The whole thing was degrading, so shameful and humiliating. Ted had betrayed her, with her best friend. It had been the cruelest of all tricks, and Andrea had even been prepared to use Chad to destroy her. Ophélie knew it was a blow she would never recover from, nor forgive. And she knew Matt would understand that too. He had the same feelings about loyalty that she did.

“I'll come out,” she said softly. “I don't know if I want to talk. I just want to be there, and breathe.” She felt as though she couldn't breathe in the house, as though her lungs and her chest and her ribs had been crushed.

“You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. I'll be here. Drive carefully. I'll make lunch.”

“I'm not sure I can eat.”

“That's all right,” he said gently. “Pip will. I have peanut butter.” And pictures of his children to show them. Robert had left all the pictures he had in his wallet. They were the best gifts Matt had had in years. He felt as though someone had returned his soul. The soul his ex-wife had tried to destroy. But she never could. And for him, the healing had already begun. He couldn't wait to go down to Stanford to see him again the following week.

It took Ophélie longer than usual to dress and drive over. She felt as though she was moving under water, and it was noon before he heard them drive up. Things were worse than he thought, or maybe they just looked worse. Pip looked solemn, and Ophélie was visibly shaken and pale. She didn't even look as though she'd combed her hair. It was exactly the way she had looked when Ted first died. It was a familiar sight to Pip, who ran to Matt and threw her arms around him. She clung to him like a drowning child.

“It's okay, Pip… it's okay… everything's fine.” She clung to him for a long time, and then walked into the house with the dog. He looked at Ophélie then, and saw her eyes. She didn't move. She just stood there, without saying a word. And he walked over to her and put an arm around her shoulders, and together, they walked inside. He had put the portrait away, and Pip was looking around, wondering where it was, with a shy smile. Their eyes met conspiratorially, and he nodded, as though to tell her that it was all in good order, and done.

He made sandwiches for all three of them, and Ophélie never said a word all through lunch. And then sensing that she was ready to talk to him, he suggested to Pip that she take Mousse for a walk on the beach. She understood, and a minute later, she put on her jacket and they left. Matt didn't say anything. He just handed Ophélie a cup of tea.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “I'm sorry I was such a mess last night. It was a rotten thing to do to Pip. I felt like Ted had died all over again.” He had figured out that much, he just didn't know why it had happened.

“Was it the holiday?” She shook her head. She didn't know what to say to him, but she knew now that she wanted to share it with him. She walked over to where she had left her handbag, pulled out An-drea's letter, and handed it to him. He hesitated, holding it, wanting to ask her if she was sure she wanted him to read it, but he could see that she was. She sat down across from him at the table, with her head in her hands, as he began to read. It didn't take him long.

And when he had finished, he looked at her, and said not a word. Her eyes were bottomless pools of pain, and now he knew why. He reached out and took her hand, and they sat that way for a long time. As she had, he had figured out that the letter was from Andrea, and the baby was Ted's. It wasn't hard to figure out. But a great deal harder to live with, and understand. The cruelty of the timing was excruciating, that she should find out now after his death, and to learn that Andrea had used Chad to coerce Ted, if he even needed to be coerced.

It took Matt a long time to speak. “You don't know what he would have done. The letter makes it pretty clear that he hadn't made up his mind.” It was small consolation now. He had still had the affair with her best friend, and fathered her child.

“That's what she said,” Ophélie said, feeling wooden again. Her whole body felt like it was made of lead.

“You talked to her?” He looked stunned.

“I went to see her. I told her I never wanted to lay eyes on her again, and I don't. I never will. She's dead to me now, just like Ted and Chad. And I guess our marriage was dead too. I just didn't want to see it, just like he didn't want to know that Chad was sick. I had denial too. We were all stupid and blind, each in our own way.”

“You loved him. That's allowed. And in spite of this, he probably loved you too.”

“I'll never know now.” That was the worst of it. The letter had robbed her of the belief that Ted had loved her. It was a cruel trick.

“You have to believe he did. A man doesn't spend twenty years with a woman if he doesn't love her. He may have been flawed, but I'm sure he loved you, Ophélie. In spite of this.”

“He might have left me for her.” Although, knowing Ted, she wasn't sure, not even because he had loved her, but he didn't love anyone that much. Except himself. He might have left Andrea with his baby, and done nothing for her. It would have been possible for him. But it still did not mean that he had loved his wife. Perhaps he had loved neither of them, that was entirely possible too. “He had another affair years ago,” she told Matt in a stifled voice. She had forgiven him. She would have forgiven him anything. Until now. And this time they could not fix it, or talk about it, or explain. She had to live with it this time, all by herself. There would be no repairing it this time. The fabric of their entire life together had been torn to shreds in a single night, with one letter, and a betrayal by a friend. Damage beyond repair. “He had the affair when Chad first got sick. I think he hated me for that. That was his revenge. Or his escape. Or the only way he could cope. He did it while I was in France with Pip. I don't think he cared about the woman. But it nearly killed me. It was a lot happening at once. But he stopped seeing her. I forgave him. I always did. I forgave him everything. All I ever wanted was to love him and be his wife.” And all he had ever loved was himself. Matt could see it clearly, but didn't say a word to her. She had to come to her own conclusions and be able to live with them. Matt didn't want to wound her any more than she was. And the damage to her was so great, he didn't want to hurt her more. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Ophélie or Pip.

“You may have to let this go,” Matt said wisely. “It's only going to hurt you. He's out of it now. This isn't about him anymore, it's about you.”

“They destroyed everything, the two of them. Even from the grave, he managed to destroy our life.” It had been stupid of him to keep the letter and to leave it where she might find it. It made Matt wonder if he had wanted to get caught. Maybe he was counting on that to make her leave him. It was painful to imagine the drama that would have caused, and had, finally.

“What are you going to say to Pip?”

“Nothing. She doesn't need to know. This is between Ted and me, even now. At some point, I'll tell her that we won't be seeing Andrea anymore. I'll have to think of some reason to give her, or maybe just tell her that it's something I'll explain to her later on. She knows something terrible happened last night, but she doesn't know that Andrea was part of it. I didn't tell her where I went when I went out.”

“That was a good thing.” He was still holding her hand, and he wanted to put his arms around her, but he was afraid that she couldn't even tolerate that. She looked so broken and frail, like a little bird with both its wings broken, not even one.

“I think I lost my mind last night, or nearly did. I'm sorry, Matt. I didn't mean to burden you with this.”

“Why not? You know how much I care about you and Pip.” Or maybe she didn't. He had only just begun to realize it himself, and he knew it now as he looked at her. He had never cared about anyone as much in his life, except his kids. Which reminded him of what he hadn't told her yet. “Something happened to me yesterday,” he said softly, still holding her hand. “Although I unearthed a terrible betrayal too. I had a visitor yesterday, for Thanksgiving. It's the first real Thanksgiving I've had in years.”

“Who was it?” She tried to emerge from her misery to listen to him.

“My son.” He told her what had happened then as her eyes grew wide.

“I can't believe she did that to you, and her own kids. Didn't she think they'd ever find out?” She looked horrified. They had both been betrayed horrifyingly by people they had trusted and loved. It was the worst kind of betrayal of all. And she wasn't sure which was worse. It was a close match.

“Apparently not. She must have thought they'd forget me, or assume I was dead. They nearly did forget me. Robert and Vanessa both said they thought I was dead. He tried to find me, to be sure. And was amazed to find me very much alive. He's a great kid. I want you and Pip to meet him soon. Maybe we could spend Christmas together,” he said hopefully. He was already making plans.

“No more Bah Humbug?” she said with a smile, and he laughed.

“Not this year. And I'm going to fly over to see Vanessa in Auckland very soon.”

“How wonderful for you, Matt,” she said, squeezing his hand, and with that, Pip walked in, and smiled when she saw them holding hands. She took it to mean something other than it did, but was pleased.

“Can I come back yet?” she asked, as Mousse bounded in and got sand all over Matt's living room, but he insisted he didn't mind.

“I was just going to suggest to your mom that we go for a walk on the beach. Do you want to come?”

“Do I have to?” she asked, installing herself on the couch, looking tired. “I'm cold.”

“That's fine. We won't be long.” He looked at Ophélie then, and she nodded. She wanted to go for a walk too.

They put on their coats and went outside, and he put an arm around her and pulled her close. She suddenly seemed even smaller and so frail. They walked down the beach, and she leaned against him, as though for support. He was the only friend she had left, the only person she still trusted, and knew she could. She no longer knew what to believe about her marriage or her late husband. She no longer knew what to think or believe about anyone, but him. And she was so distressed over all that had happened, and what it meant, that they walked all the way down the beach together, with his arm tightly around her, and said not a word. It was enough just being with him.

22

MATT WENT TO SEE HIS SON THE MONDAY AFTER Thanksgiving, and stopped in to see Pip and Ophélie on the way home. Pip had just come home from school, and Ophélie had taken the day off from work. She was too upset to think. And she felt as though her whole life had changed. She had made a decision that morning to get rid of Ted's clothes. It was her way of throwing him out of the house, and punishing him posthumously for what he'd done. It was the only revenge she had left, but she also knew it would be good for her. She had to move on. She couldn't hang on forever to a man who had betrayed her and fathered another woman's child. She knew now that she was hanging on to her illusions and a lifetime of dreams. It was time to wake up, no matter how alone it made her feel.

She told Matt when Pip went to her room to do her homework, and he was afraid to say too much. He didn't want to tell her that he thought her late husband was a sonofabitch. It didn't seem fair. She had to come to those conclusions herself. And it was hard to let go now in death, after she had been willing to forgive him so much in life. She had been willing to tolerate almost anything from him. But Matt was pleased to see her making different decisions now, and silently approved.

And while he was there, he made a date with her for her birthday the following week. And as always, he included Pip. He always did. And always had, right from the first. After all, he and Pip had been friends first, as she often pointed out, which made him smile. It was true.

But he had picked a slightly more grown-up restaurant than usual for her birthday night. He wanted to take her somewhere special. She deserved a reward for all the misery Ted and Andrea had just put her through. And she told him that she'd had a letter from Andrea, which had been delivered by messenger that afternoon. It was a letter of abject apology, in which Andrea told her that she didn't expect to be forgiven, but wanted her to know how much she had loved her, and how sorry she was. For Ophélie, it was too late, and she said as much to Matt.

“I suppose that makes me an awful person. But I just can't. I never want to see or hear from her again.”

“That sounds reasonable to me.” He told Ophélie he was planning to call Sally that night, if she would talk to him.

“It sounds like we're both settling our accounts,” she said sadly.

“Maybe it's time.” He had been thinking all day about what he was going to say to his ex-wife. What did you say to someone who had stolen your children and six years of your life, not to mention the marriage and life she had destroyed before that? There was no restitution possible for that. Ophélie knew it too.

They talked for so long that Ophélie invited him to stay for dinner with her and Pip. He accepted, and helped her cook. And as soon as dinner was over, he left. But they had a date for her birthday the following week. Pip could hardly wait.

And he called Ophélie late that night, after he had called Sally. He sounded drained.

“What did she say?”

“She tried to lie about it,” he said, sounding amazed. “But she couldn't. I know too much now. So she just cried. For about an hour. She told me she was doing it for the children, that she thought it would be better for them to feel part of one family with Hamish, and to hell with me, I guess. I became dispensable. She decided to play God. There wasn't much she could say to clean it up, nothing in fact. I'm going to fly over and see Vanessa after your birthday next week. I'll only be there for a few days. And she said she'd send her over for Christmas if I like. I said I would. I'll have both of my kids with me.” He sounded deeply moved, and she was pleased for him. “I'm thinking of renting a house in Tahoe, to take them skiing. Maybe you and Pip would like to come. Can she ski?”

“She loves it.”

“What about you?” He sounded hopeful.

“I ski, but I'm not great. I hate the chair lifts. I'm afraid of heights.”

“We can ride them together. I'm not a fabulous skier either. I just thought it would be fun. I hope you and Pip will come.” He sounded sincere, but Ophélie was concerned.

“Won't your kids object to having strangers with them after not seeing you for so long? I don't want to intrude.” She was always cautious about his feelings, as he was with hers, unlike the people they'd been married to, who had been selfish and self-serving in the extreme.

“I'll ask them, but I can't imagine they'd mind, especially after they meet you and Pip. I told Robert about both of you the other day.” And he almost slipped and said he'd seen Pip's portrait, which was Pip's big birthday surprise for her.

And then Matt inquired if she was going out with the outreach team, as usual, the following night, and she said she was.

“You've had a tough few days. Why don't you give yourself some time off?” Like forever, he wished. He still hated her doing it, but she refused to listen to him.

“They'll be shorthanded if I don't go. And it will take my mind off of things.” They both knew that she now had a far deeper wound to heal, the loss not only of her son and husband, but now of her marriage and best friend as well. It compounded everything, and made it all seem much worse. But she seemed to be holding up, and Matt was relieved. The only thing he didn't like was that she was going out with the outreach team, particularly when she was distracted and tired, and more likely to get hurt.

But all went well. She had an uneventful night, as she told Matt when he called to check on her on Wednesday, and it was another quiet night when she went out with them on Thursday. They had come across several camps of kids and young people, some of them still decently dressed from when they left home, which tugged at her heart. And a camp of clean-cut-looking men, all of whom said they were employed but wound up homeless anyway. There were a lot of heart-wrenching stories on the streets. And Saturday was her birthday, which turned out even better than planned. It was everything Pip had dreamed. They celebrated at the house before they went out to dinner, and Pip was so excited she couldn't sit still. She and Matt went out to his car to get the portrait. Pip made Ophélie close her eyes, and then with a kiss and a flourish, she handed it to her. And Ophélie gasped. And then cried.

“Oh my God… it's so beautiful …Pip!… Matt…” She kept holding it and staring at it. It was a beautiful portrait, and he had captured not only her elfin face, but also her spirit. Each time Ophélie looked at it, she cried. And she hated to leave it when they went out to dinner. She could hardly wait to hang it up. Her reaction was everything Matt had hoped, and she didn't stop thanking him for it all night.

They had a lovely time at dinner, and he had arranged a birthday cake for her at the restaurant. It was a perfect birthday, and Pip was yawning when they got home. It had been a big night for her too. She had waited months for the presentation of the portrait, and her excitement and anticipation had worn her out. Ophélie was still holding it when Pip kissed her mother and Matt and went up to bed, and he was thrilled to see how happy Ophélie was with the gift.

“I don't know how I can ever thank you. It's the most beautiful present I've ever had.” It was truly a gift of love, not only from Pip, but from Matt.

“You're an amazing woman,” he said gently, as he sat next to her on the couch. And an honorable one, he knew, which had come to mean a great deal to him, particularly in light of what Sally had done to him, and what he now knew had been done to Ophélie. She was very rare, and so was he. But the people they had loved had also been unusually cruel.

“You're always so good to me and Pip,” she said gratefully, as he looked down at her and took her hand. He wanted her to trust him, and he thought she did, but he didn't know how much. And what he wanted to say to her was going to require a great deal of trust.

“You deserve to have people be good to you, Ophélie. And so does Pip.” He felt as though they were part of his family, and he was the only family she and Pip still had. It seemed as though all else had been lost.

And as he looked at her, he leaned toward her gently, and kissed her on the mouth. She was the first woman he had kissed in years, and she hadn't been touched by a man since her husband died. They were two fragile, cautious beings, like stars, floating gently through the skies. Ophélie was startled, she hadn't expected him to kiss her, but much to his relief, she didn't resist or pull back. She just seemed to hang there in the moment with him, and when he stopped, they were both out of breath. He had been afraid she would be angry at him, and he was immensely relieved that she was not, but she looked scared, as he pulled her into his arms and held her close.

“What are we doing, Matt? Is this crazy?” More than anything, she needed to feel safe. And she no longer did, anywhere in her life, except with him. And he felt safe with her too.

“I don't think it is,” he reassured her. “I've felt this way about you for a long time. Longer than I knew. I was just afraid to frighten you away if I said anything. You've been so badly hurt.”

“So have you,” she whispered, touching his face with a gentle hand, and thinking how pleased Pip would be. The thought of it made her smile, and she said as much to him.

“I'm in love with her too. I can't wait for you both to meet my kids.”

“Neither can I,” she said, sounding happy, and he kissed her again.

“Happy birthday, my darling,” he said, as he kissed her, and when he left that night, she thought that, without a doubt, it had been the best birthday of her life.

23

THE TUESDAY AFTER HER BIRTHDAY, OPHÉLIE WAS OUT with the outreach team, and Bob reminded her that she was being careless while they were checking what they called “cribs,” the boxes and structures people were sleeping in. They walked up to them, checked if people were inside and awake, and asked what they needed, but they needed to be vigilant while they did it, to avoid surprises. She had been dreamy eyed, and more than once turned her back on groups of young men who approached them. People on the streets were always curious about who they were, where they came from, and what they were doing. But being alert and cautious was vital to the team. The rules of the jungle applied at all times, no matter how friendly people appeared. For the most part, the homeless they encountered were gentle and kind, and grateful for whatever they got. But threaded among them were the inevitable dissidents, the troublemakers, and the predators who preyed on them, and wantonly took the little they had. It was painful to realize that for everything the outreach team distributed, a third or even half of it would be stolen by someone else. It was a world in which the honor code was survival, and little else. Ophélie knew that, as the others did. And all you could do, in helping them, was give it your best shot, and hope it made a difference.

“Hey, Opie! Watch your back, girlfriend. What's up?” Bob asked her with a look of concern as they headed back to the van after their second stop. He wanted to make her aware of it, so no one got hurt. The safety of the entire team rested on each one of them. And although they were casual at times, and joked with each other, and even those they helped, they still had to keep their wits about them and remain aware of the players. They had to anticipate the worst in order to prevent it happening to them. There were the inevitable stories of cops and volunteers and social workers who'd been killed on the streets, usually doing something they shouldn't have done, like going out to work on the streets alone. They knew better, but there was always the temptation to believe that they were exempt and couldn't be touched. Safety, for all of them, lay in being, and staying, alert.

“I'm sorry. I'll be more careful next time,” she promised apologetically, focusing more diligently again. She had been thinking about Matt.

“You better be careful. What's happening with you? You look like you're in love.” He knew, because he was. He was having a great time with his late wife's best friend. Ophélie looked at him and smiled as she swung into the van. He was right. She'd been out of it all night. She'd been thinking about Matt. And had been all day. Their kiss the night before had both delighted and rattled her. It was everything she wanted in some ways, and in others the one thing she didn't want at all. Vulnerability. Openness. Love. Pain. All of which had brought her to her knees when Ted died, and nearly killed her when she found Andrea's letter. For a moment, she thought it had. Now, more than anything, she was numb, as she tried to sort out what she felt. About Ted, Andrea, herself, and now Matt. It was a lot to absorb and try to understand. And at the same time it was so tempting to let herself free-fall into his arms and life.

“I don't know. Maybe,” she said honestly, as they headed toward Hunters Point. It was late in their night, when it was usually safer there. By then, a lot of the troublemakers had gone to bed, and the neighborhood had calmed down.

“There's a news flash,” he said with a look of interest. He had come to respect her and like her a lot in the nearly three months they'd worked together. She was smart and honest and solid and real, without artifice or arrogance. There was a simplicity and earnestness about her that had won his heart.

“I hope he's a good guy. That's what you deserve,” he said sincerely.

“Thanks, Bob,” she said, and smiled. She seemed uninclined to talk about it, and he didn't press her. They had an easygoing relationship and solid understanding of each other's rhythms. Sometimes they talked about serious matters. Sometimes they didn't. They were like police partners, they were compatible, respectful of each other, and trusted each other completely. Their lives depended on it. But she paid closer attention, and “watched her back,” as he put it, at the next stop and for the rest of the night.

But she realized as she drove home that night that she was worried about Matt. About what she was doing, and the door that had opened. More than anything, she didn't want to jeopardize their friendship, and a romance, if it went awry, might. She didn't want to risk that for him, or herself, or even more importantly for Pip. If she and Matt got involved romantically, and made a mess of it, it could spoil it all, and that was the last thing she wanted.

Even Pip noticed that she looked quiet and pensive the next morning in the car on the way to school.

“Something wrong, Mom?” she asked as she turned the radio on, and Ophélie winced at the volume, as she always did. It was a raucous way to start the morning. Pip worried less about her mother's moods these days. Whatever else happened, she seemed to recover from the bad days sooner. Although she still didn't know what had happened on Thanksgiving. All she knew was that it had something to do with Andrea. Her mother had told her that they wouldn't be seeing her again. Pip was shocked. But Ophélie refused to answer any questions. And when Pip asked her, “Ever?” Ophélie confirmed it. Ever.

“No, I'm okay,” Ophélie answered, but she didn't look convincing. And she had to struggle for concentration all that day at the Center. Even Miriam at the front desk commented on it. And when Matt called, he could hear it.

“Are you okay?” he asked, sounding worried.

“I think so,” she said honestly, which didn't reassure him. Her uncertainty was unnerving.

“What does that mean? Should I panic?” She smiled in answer.

“No, don't panic. I'm just scared, I think.” She wasn't sure if it was a timing or adjustment issue for her, or something deeper.

“What are you scared of?” He wanted to air it with her, so she'd feel better. He had been floating on air since he kissed her on her birthday. It was just exactly what he wanted, and hadn't known it. Although for a while now he'd been aware of his growing feelings for her, which were not by any means as casual as he'd pretended.

“Are you kidding? I'm scared of you, me, life, fate, destiny, good things, bad things… disappointment, betrayal, your dying, my dying…do you want me to go on?”

“No, that ought to do it. For now at least. You can save the rest till you see me. We can spend all day on it then.” It sounded like it was going to take that long. And then he got serious with her. He was sorry that she was so afraid, and wanted to share his sense of confidence with her. “What can I do to reassure you?” he asked gently, and she sighed.

“I'm not sure you can. Give me time. I just lost the last of my illusions about my marriage. I'm not sure I can handle much more than that. This may not be the right time.” His heart sank at her words.

“Will you at least give us a chance? Don't make any decisions yet. We have a right to be happy, both of us. Let's not blow it to bits before we start. Will you do that?”

“I'll try.” It was all she could do. In her heart of hearts, she thought he might be better off with someone else. Someone simpler, and who had been less brutally hurt than she had been, and again recently. At times, she felt so damaged. Yet with him she always felt peaceful, whole, and safe, which said a lot.

He came to town and had dinner with her and Pip that weekend, and on Sunday she and Pip drove out to the beach to see him. Robert had come up for the day from Stanford, and Matt was anxious for them to meet. Ophélie was enormously impressed. He was a lovely boy, and in spite of the years they had missed together, he was remarkably like Matt. As they often do, genes had won out, and in this case for the best. He spoke very openly about his mother's perfidy at one point, and he was obviously upset about it. But he seemed to accept, and even love her as she was. He had a very forgiving heart. Although he referred to the fact that Vanessa was furious with her, and hadn't spoken to her since she found out.

And by the time she and Pip went back to town, Ophélie felt better again. Matt had put an arm around her several times, and held her hand when they walked on the beach, but he didn't press her, or make it obvious to Pip that something was happening. He wanted to give Ophélie time to adjust. Their relationship, past, present, and future, was of vital importance to him, and he wanted to treat it cautiously, and give her all the time and space she needed to make room for him in her heart.

He was just about to pick up the phone on Monday night to call her, when it rang before he did. He was hoping it was her. She had looked happy and relaxed the day before, and sounded fine when he called her on Sunday night. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but he didn't. He wanted to tell her in person the first time he said it, and not on the phone. But it wasn't Ophélie when he answered, or even Pip. It was Sally, calling from Auckland, and he was terrified when he heard her voice. She was crying. And he thought instantly of his daughter, and was deathly afraid something had happened to her.

“Sally?” He could hardly understand her, but even after all these years, he knew her voice too well. “What is it? What's wrong?” All he could make out was “keeled over… tennis court …” and then with a sense of relief that was almost sinful, he realized she was talking about her husband, and not their younger child.

“What? I can't understand you. What happened to Hamish?” And why was she calling him?

She gave a horrible wrenching sob and then shot the words into the phone. “He's dead. He had a heart attack an hour ago on the tennis court. They tried to revive him, but…he was gone.” She started sobbing again, as Matt listened and stared into space, as the last ten years flashed before his eyes. Her telling him that she was leaving him, and then moving to Auckland. The realization that she had been having an affair with his friend, and had left their marriage for him… and then moving to Auckland with his kids… “Hamish and I are getting married, Matt,” the cannonball she had fired at his chest… and commuting for four years to see his kids, only to have her cut him off from them for the last six… and now she was calling to say Hamish was dead. He didn't even know what he felt, for his old friend turned traitor…for her…or himself…he couldn't even think.

“Matt? Are you there?” She was talking nonstop and crying in between, something about the funeral, and their children, and did he think Robert should come home for the services, Hamish had been so good to him… and her children from Hamish were so young…He felt overwhelmed.

“Yes, I'm here.” And then he thought of his son. “Do you want me to call Robert and tell him? If you think it will be too tough on him, I can drive down to Stanford.” It was odd how fate served one well in life at times. One father had just reentered his life in time for another to disappear. It was odd how those things happened.

“I already called him,” she said bluntly, with little thought for the effect on Robert. That was Sally.

“How did he take it?” Matt sounded concerned.

“I don't know. He was crazy about Hamish.”

“I'll call him,” Matt said quickly, anxious now to hang up.

“Do you want to come to the funeral?” Sally asked, with no concern whatsoever for the distance, the time involved, or his feelings as usual. If nothing else, Hamish had betrayed him, and damn near destroyed his life, with Sally's help.

“No, I don't,” he said bluntly.

“Maybe Vanessa and I will bring the children over for Christmas,” she said wistfully. “I don't think you should come to see her this week, unless you want to come to the funeral with us.” He had been planning to leave for Auckland to see Vanessa on Thursday, after six long, endless, empty years without his kids. But this obviously wasn't the right time.

“I'll wait. I'll come over as soon as things calm down, unless you send her here.” He said “send her,” not “bring her.” He hadn't liked the implication that Sally would come too. He had no desire to see his exwife again. “You have other things to think about right now,” a funeral to plan, a husband to bury, decisions to make, fresh lives to destroy. His feelings toward her were anything but friendly since her treachery had been exposed by Robert's return. He knew he would never forgive her for what she'd done.

“I can't even imagine what this is going to do to our business,” she said plaintively. She always had work on her mind, always had. Nothing had changed.

“That's tough, I know,” he said, sounding bitter, but she didn't hear it. “Just sell it, Sal. I did. No big deal. You'll find something else to do. No point hanging on.” They were almost the identical words she had said to him ten years before. But she no longer remembered them. No matter what incredibly insensitive life-altering comment she made, she never remembered it, or took responsibility for it later on. Other people's feelings and well-being never even appeared on her radar screen.

“You really think I should sell?” she said seriously, sounding interested, and all he wanted was to hang up and call his son.

“I have no idea. I have to go now. I'm sorry about Hamish. My condolences to his children. I'll let you know when I'm coming over to see Ness. Tell her I'll call her later myself.” And with that, he hung up.

He called Robert and got him in his room at Stanford. He wasn't crying, but he sounded subdued and a little forlorn.

“I'm sorry, son. I know you loved him. I always liked him too,” before he blew the bottom out of my life, Matt thought.

“I know he screwed up your marriage to Mom, but he was always really good to us. I feel sorry for Mom. She was a mess on the phone.” But not too big a mess to discuss the fate of their business with Matt. Her wheels were always turning to her own advantage. It was just the way she was, and had always been. And at the time, Hamish had been a better deal for her. He had more money, more toys, more houses, he was more fun, so she dumped her husband and moved on. It was still hard to take, and Matt knew it would always be. They had cost him too much, everything he'd ever loved and cared for. His wife, his kids, the business was less important to him, but the rest of it was a loss that could never be replaced. Ten heartbreaking years out of his life.

“Are you going over for the funeral?” Matt asked him, and Robert hesitated.

“I should, for Mom, but I've got finals. I talked to Nessie and she thinks Mom'll be okay if I don't. She's got a lot of people with her.” And seven other kids. Four of Hamish's, Vanessa, and two of their own. It was a sizable entourage, although he knew Robert was important to her too. “What do you think, Dad?”

“That has to be your decision. I can't make it for you. Do you want me to come down to Stanford?” Matt sounded and was deeply concerned for him.

“That's okay, Dad. I'll be fine. It's just kind of a shock… but not totally. He's had two heart attacks, and two bypass surgeries. And he didn't take great care of himself. Mom always said it would come to this.” He smoked and drank, and had been overweight for years. He was fifty-two years old.

“I'll come down anytime you want. Just call me. Maybe we can do something this weekend if you're not studying.”

“I've got study groups all weekend. I'll call. Thanks, Dad.”

Matt sat quietly for a moment, thinking about it, and called Ophélie. He didn't know why, but he was sad about Hamish, maybe because it affected his children, or maybe because he had once been his friend. He felt less sorry for Sally than he did for him.

He told Ophélie what had happened, and as he was, she was concerned for Robert, and for a strange female moment, she wondered what Sally's widowhood would mean to Matt. He had loved her once, passionately, and mourned her for the last ten years. And now she was free. It was unlikely anything would ever happen between them, but you never knew. Stranger things had happened. She was only forty-five years old, and she would be looking for a new man. And she had once loved him, enough to marry and have children with him.

“She said she might bring Vanessa over for Christmas, and to see Robert,” Matt informed her. “I hope she doesn't. I don't want to see her, just my kids.” He was disappointed about not going to Auckland to see Vanessa that week too. But this obviously wasn't the time. There was far too much going on, and Vanessa would be tied up with Hamish's family, her mother, and the other kids. She'd have no time to spend with him, and rightly so. Matt understood. After six years, he knew he could wait another week or two. It was better that way.

“Why would she come too?” Ophélie asked, sounding concerned.

“God knows. Maybe just to annoy me,” he said, and laughed. But it had been unsettling talking to her on the phone, and listening to her crying. It didn't move him any closer toward her, it just reminded him of how unhappy she had made him over the years. He had absolutely no idea that Ophélie was suddenly worried about her, and saw her as a potential threat to their budding romance.

The rest of the week was hectic for both of them. Things were tough on the streets with the holidays approaching. People drugged and drank more, lost jobs, and the weather was cold. They found four dead people in one night in the cribs they checked. As always, it was rugged, heart-wrenching work.

Matt drove down to Robert to see him. And he talked to Vanessa on the phone. And for no reason he could fathom, in the midst of all she had to do, Sally called him several times just to talk. He did not want to be her best friend, and he complained about it to Ophélie.

The only moment of peace for all of them was a sunny Sunday afternoon at the beach. She and Pip drove out to see Matt. Robert couldn't make it, he was still studying for exams. And Christmas was in less than two weeks.

The three of them took a long walk on the beach and Matt told Ophélie about the house he'd rented in Tahoe from Christmas till just after New Year's. He was going to go to Tahoe with Robert to ski, and he was hoping Vanessa would fly over too.

“Is Sally still thinking of coming?” she asked, sounding unconcerned, but wasn't. It surprised even her that the reappearance of his ex-wife bothered her so much, but it did. Particularly now that she was widowed too. Although even Ophélie realized it was more paranoia on her part, than anything real. Matt seemed in no way interested in her, but you never knew. Stranger things happened. Much stranger. Like her husband having a baby with her best friend. It had altered all her points of view.

“God knows. I don't care. I'll have someone drive Nessie up to Tahoe, if she comes. I have no intention of seeing Sally, if she's here,” which reassured Ophélie at least. “I'd love you and Pip to come up too. What are you doing for Christmas?” It was a sore subject for her this year, even more than it had been the year before.

“I don't know yet. Our family seems to get smaller and smaller. Last year we spent it with Andrea.” She'd been five months pregnant then. The thought of it made Ophélie shudder now, knowing that the baby was Ted's, and the travesty Andrea's friendship had been. “I think Pip and I will just spend it quietly. Maybe it would be nice to come up to Tahoe the day after. I think we should be alone together on Christmas Day.” He nodded, not wanting to intrude on her and Pip. He knew how sensitive she was about that, and it was a bittersweet time for them, full of memories that needed to be honored, however painful. “It would be nice to have something to look forward to the day after.” She smiled up at him, and Pip was so far up the beach that he bent his face down to hers and they kissed. And as he did, he felt a jolt of electricity run through him, which he instantly suppressed. He wanted more of her, but too much had been happening in the past few weeks, and he didn't want to rush his fences with her, or scare her off. They were proceeding with great caution, and no speed. He knew she still had a lot of trepidation about getting involved with him. She was not at all sure yet if she wanted to forge ahead. He had only kissed her a few times by then, and he was willing to wait, however long it took. Although he was aware that the passion he felt for her distracted him. He was equally well aware of all the trauma she'd been through, especially recently. And in spite of it, he could feel desire mounting in her too. Whatever reservations she had, she seemed to be growing ever closer to him.

They talked to Pip about Tahoe when she walked back to them, and she loved the idea. And by the time they left that day, Ophélie had agreed. And Matt had tried to extract yet another promise from her.

“I only want one thing for Christmas from you,” he said seriously, as they sat by the fire in his living room before she and Pip left.

“And what's that?” She was smiling at him. Pip already had his gift, and Ophélie still had to shop for him.

“I want you to resign from the outreach team.” He was serious, and she sighed as she looked at him. He had come to mean so much to her, but she still didn't know what to do about it, when, or if. She felt strongly about him, but her feelings were in constant conflict with her fears. But he wasn't asking for answers or promises. He never put pressure on her, except about this, which he did constantly.

“You know I can't do that, Matt, it's important to me. And to them. I know how right it is for me. And it's hard to get people to work on that team.”

“You know why?” he said, looking unhappy. “Because most people are smart enough to be scared out of their wits, and won't do it.” It had occurred to him more than once that maybe one of her reasons for doing it was some kind of subliminal suicide wish. But whatever her reasons, he was determined to prevail eventually, and get her to quit. He didn't mind her working at the Center, but he didn't want her on the streets. It wasn't a question of not respecting her, but of saving her from herself, and her altruistic ideas. “Ophélie, I'm serious. I want you to give that up, for your sake, and Pip's. If those people are crazy enough to do it, let them, you can help the homeless in other ways. You owe it to yourself to quit.”

“Nothing is as effective as what the outreach guys do. They go to them where they are, give them what they need. The really desperate cases are in no shape to come in for us to help them. We have to go to them,” she said, always trying to convince him, as he did her. It was an insoluble battle between them, and she'd been unwavering about it. But he kept trying, and intended to continue to do so. “What you don't realize is that they're not bad guys out there or criminals. They're sad, needy, broken people, in desperate need of help. Some of them are just kids, and old people. I can't walk away from them and figure someone else will do it. If I don't, who will? So many of them are really decent and I have a responsibility to them. What else do you want for Christmas?” she asked, as much to change the subject as because she needed ideas, but all he did was shake his head.

“That's all I want from you. And if you don't give it to me, Santa is going to put coal in your stocking, or reindeer poop.” Sometimes he wondered if she was right and he was overreacting. She was very persuasive, but he still wasn't convinced. She laughed at what he said then, unaware of the fact that he already had her gift wrapped and put away, and had for quite a while. He hoped she liked it. And with Ophélie's permission, he had bought Pip a beautiful new bicycle that she could use in the park in town, and at the beach when she came to see him. He was pleased, because it was kind of a fatherly gift, something her mother wouldn't have thought to give her. Ophélie had been shopping for clothes and games for her for weeks. She was at a tough age, somewhere between toys, which she had outgrown, and big girl gifts, which she was only now growing into. At twelve, she was exactly in between. He had hidden the bike in his garage at the beach, under a sheet, and Ophélie had assured him she'd be thrilled.

The one gift Matt didn't want was the one he got the week before Christmas. A call from Sally telling him she was arriving the next day, with Vanessa, and her two youngest kids. Hamish's four children were with their mother for the holidays, and she had decided to come to San Francisco, as she put it, “to see him.” All he wanted was to see his daughter, which he was wildly excited about, but not his ex-wife. They were planning to stay at the Ritz. And he called to complain to Ophélie about it, the minute he hung up. She was getting ready to go out with the outreach team.

“What am I supposed to do with that?” he said, sounding irritated. “I'm not going to see her. All I want is to see Nessie. The good news is she's coming to Tahoe with me. Nessie, not Sally,” he corrected, but Ophélie was concerned anyway, and didn't want to let on to him that she was. She was far too attached to Matt by now, not to be affected by the specter of his exwife. What if he fell in love with her again? If he had before, perhaps he could again, in spite of everything she'd done. She had just been relaxing about her, but Sally's impending arrival set her on edge suddenly. She had a sixth sense that he would see her, and doing so would stir up old feelings for him. Men were naïve about such things, and it was obvious from Sally's insistence on seeing him, that she had something up her sleeve. Ophélie tried as delicately as she could to warn him of it.

“Sally? Don't be ridiculous. That's dead and gone. She's just bored and doesn't know what to do with herself. She's trying to decide what to do with her business. Ophélie, you have nothing to worry about. I'm well out of that, and have been for ten years.” He sounded remarkably blithe about it, but all of Ophélie's female antennae were on high alert.

“Stranger things have happened,” she warned wisely.

“Not to me. It's been over for me for years, and longer than that for her. She left me, remember. For a guy with more money and more toys,” he said, still smarting from the blow.

“Now she's got the money, and he's gone. And she's scared and lonely. Trust me. You haven't heard the last of her.” But Matt violently disagreed. Until she got to the Ritz, and called him an hour after she did. Her voice was all honey and sweetness, and she asked him if he'd like to come to tea. She said she was exhausted from the flight, and looked a mess, but she was dying to see him. He was so startled, he wasn't sure what to say.

Ophélie's warnings immediately came to mind, but he dismissed them out of hand. She was just trying to be friendly, for old times' sake, but even that didn't appeal to him. Far from it, after she'd stolen his kids from him. His rational mind hated her, but there were other parts of him, which responded instinctively to memory. It was Pavlovian and irritated him at himself as much as her. It was her way of torturing him, to see if she could still pull the old familiar strings.

“Where's Nessie?” he asked bluntly, desperate to see her, and not Sally. All he wanted was to see his daughter, as soon as he could.

“She's here,” Sally said coyly. “She's tired too.”

“Tell her she can sleep later. I'll be in the lobby in an hour. Tell her to be there.” He was so excited he nearly hung up on Sally, and she promised to convey the message to Vanessa, who was thrilled too, when she did.

He showered, shaved, changed, and was wearing a blazer and gray slacks and looking very handsome as he came through the doors into the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton, and he looked around anxiously. What if he didn't recognize her? If she had changed too much… if… and then he saw her standing there like a young doe, with the same face she had had as a little girl, a woman's body, and long straight blond hair, and they were both crying as they fell into each other's arms. She buried her face in his neck, and kissed him, and touched his face as he held her. The cruelty of their long separation was apparent in the hunger with which they held each other. He never wanted to let her out of his arms again, and he had to force himself to let go of her just so he could see her. And as he looked at her lovingly, they were both laughing through their tears.

“Oh Daddy… you look the same… you haven't changed at all …” She couldn't stop crying and laughing and he had never seen anyone as beautiful as his youngest child. It almost ripped his heart out of his chest just looking at her, and made him realize how agonizing her long absence from his life had been. Everything he had forced himself not to feel for six years came rushing back at him.

“Well, you sure have changed! Wow!” She had a spectacular figure, just as her mother had as a young girl. Vanessa was wearing a short gray dress and high heels, and just enough makeup to look glamorous but not vulgar, and she had tiny diamond studs at her ears, a gift from Hamish probably, he knew. He had always been generous with Matt's kids. “What do you want to do? Have some tea? Or go somewhere?” All he wanted was to be with her.

Vanessa seemed to hesitate for an instant, and then he saw them in the distance behind her. He had been completely unaware of anyone else from the moment he laid eyes on her. But Sally was standing halfway across the lobby, with a woman who looked like a nanny and two little boys. The years had been kind to her, she was still a good-looking woman, although slightly heavier than she had been in the past. And the boys were cute. They were six and eight. But instead of leaving Vanessa alone with him after all this time, she had intruded on them, which was exactly what Matt didn't want, and he was instantly annoyed as she approached, and Vanessa looked daggers at her. Sally was wearing a short black dress, expensive, sexy shoes, and a mink coat, and the diamonds on her ears were a lot bigger than Vanessa's were, another gift from her late husband undoubtedly.

“I'm sorry, Matt, I hope you don't mind…I couldn't resist… and I wanted you to meet the boys.” The last time he had seen them, in Auckland, they had been two and a few months old. And no matter how cute they were, he wanted to be with his own child now, and not Sally and her kids. She had done enough to him. All he wanted now was for her to let go and disappear.

Matt said hello to the boys, with a warm smile, and ruffled their hair, and nodded politely to the nanny. It wasn't the kids' fault that their mother was inappropriate, but he wanted to be clear with her.

“I think Vanessa and I would like to be alone for a little while. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

“Of course, I understand,” she said breezily, and didn't. She couldn't have cared less what anyone else needed, especially him. And she totally ignored Vanessa's obvious fury at her. She still hadn't forgiven her mother for keeping Matt away for six years, and swore she never would. “I promised the boys we'd run down to Macy's and see Santa Claus, and maybe stop in at Schwarz. I thought maybe we could all have dinner tomorrow night, if you're free,” she said with the smile that had dazzled him from the first time they met, but no more. He knew that behind the smile lived a shark, he had been too deeply bitten by her to fall for it. But she played a great game. Anyone else would have thought her charming and poised, and friendly to him. And whatever she wanted from him, he no longer gave a damn.

“I'll let you know,” he said vaguely, and firmly led Vanessa away from them to the portion of the lobby set up to serve tea. A moment later, he saw Sally, the nanny, and the boys sweep through the revolving door to a waiting limousine. She was a rich woman now, even richer than she had been. But from his perspective, it didn't add to her charm. Nothing would. She had everything one could want, looks, talent, brains, style, everything, except a heart.

“I'm sorry about everything, Dad,” Vanessa said quietly, as they sat down. She understood, and admired her father a lot for the gracious way he handled it. She had talked to her brother at length about what had happened, and she was far less willing to forgive than Robert, who always made excuses for their mother and said she didn't understand her effect on people. But Vanessa hated her with all the energy of a girl of sixteen, and with good cause in this case. “I hate her, Dad,” she said bluntly to her father, and he didn't disagree with her, but he didn't want to fuel the fires, or encourage her to hate her own mother. He tried to be somewhat discreet for Vanessa's sake. But there was no dressing it up, or explaining it. She had kept them from their father, for her own purposes, for six years. Almost half a lifetime for them, and it felt like more than that to him. And all they wanted to do was catch up with him now. “You don't have to have dinner with her tomorrow. I just want to be with you.” Vanessa understood all of it, and was wise for her sixteen years. She'd been through a lot too.

“I'd rather be with you,” he said honestly. “I don't want a battle with your mother, but I'm not dying to be best friends either.” It was remarkable enough that he was willing to be civil to her, and a tribute to him.

“It's okay, Dad.”

They sat and talked for three hours in the lobby of the Ritz. He explained to her again what she already knew, how their six years of separation had happened. And then he went on to ask about her, her friends, her school, her life, her dreams. He loved being with her, and was soaking it all in. She and Robert were going to be spending Christmas in Tahoe with him, without their mother. Sally was going to New York to see friends with her two youngest children. She seemed to have nowhere to go now, and was searching for something. If he hadn't disliked her so much, he would have felt sorry for her.

Sally called him again the next day, about dinner, and she tried to convince him to join them. But he was patiently resistant, and instead talked about Vanessa, and sang her praises.

“You did a great job with her. She's wonderful,” he said generously.

“She's a good girl,” Sally agreed. She said she was going to be around for the next four days, and Matt was anxious for her to leave town. He had no desire to see her. “What about you, Matt? How's your life?” It was a subject he emphatically did not want to discuss with her.

“Fine, thanks. I'm sorry about Hamish. That's going to be a big change for you. Are you going to stay in Auckland?” He wanted to keep their conversations to business, houses, and his children. But she didn't.

“I have no idea. I've decided to sell the business. I'm tired, Matt. It's time to stop and smell the roses.” It was a nice thought, but knowing Sally she was far more likely to crush them, and set fire to the petals. He'd been there.

“That sounds sensible.” He kept his responses curt and unemotional. He had no intention of lowering the drawbridge, and hoped the alligators in the moat would devour her if she tried to take the castle.

“I gather you're still painting, you have so damn much talent,” she said lavishly. And then she seemed to hesitate for a moment, and sounded childish and sad when she spoke again. It was a tactic she used that he had nearly forgotten, to get what she wanted. “Matt …” she hesitated, but only for an instant, “would you hate having dinner with me tonight? I don't want anything from you. I just want to bury the hatchet.” She had already done that, he knew, in his back, years before, and it had stayed there, festering and rusting. Removing it now would only make matters worse, and cause him to bleed to death in the process.

“It's a nice thought,” he said, sounding tired. She exhausted him. She had so many agendas. “But I don't think dinner is a good idea. There's no point. Let sleeping dogs lie. We don't really have anything to say to each other.”

“How about I'm sorry? I owe you a lot of those, don't I?” She was speaking softly and she sounded so vulnerable it nearly killed him. He wanted to scream at her not to do that. It was too easy to remember all that she had once been to him, and too hard, all at the same time. He just couldn't. It would kill him.

“You don't have to say anything, Sally,” he said, sounding like the husband he had once been to her, the man she had known and loved, and whom she had nearly destroyed. Whatever had happened in between, they were still the same people, and they both remembered, the good times as well as the bad ones. “It's all behind us.”

“I just want to see you. Maybe we can be friends again,” she said, sounding hopeful.

“Why? We have friends. We don't need each other.”

“We have two children. Maybe it's important for them that we establish a bond again.” Amazingly, that hadn't occurred to her for the past six years. Only now. That it suited her current purpose, whatever that was. Whatever it was, Matt knew it would be good for her, and surely not for him. Her intrinsic narcissism always controlled her. It was all about her needs, and no one else's.

“I don't know …” He hesitated. “I don't see the point.”

“Forgiveness. Humanity. Compassion. We were married for fifteen years. Can't we be friends now?”

“Is it too rude to remind you that you left me for one of my best friends, moved thousands of miles away with my children, and haven't allowed me to have contact with them for the past six years? That's a lot to swallow, even between ‘friends,’ as you put it. Just how friendly is that?”

“I know…I know… I've made a lot of mistakes,” she said sweepingly, and then she put on the voice of the confessional, which was exactly what he didn't want with her. “If it's any consolation, Hamish and I were never happy. There were a lot of problems.”

“I'm sorry to hear that,” he said, feeling a chill run through him. “I always had the impression that you were very happy. He was very generous with you, and your children.” And he was basically a good guy. Until he ran off with Sally, Matt had always liked him.

“Generous, yes. But he never really ‘got it.’ Not like you did. He was kind of a good-time guy, and he drank like a fish, which finally killed him,” she said unsympathetically. “We had no sex life.”

“Sally, please… for chrissake. I don't want to know that.” Matt sounded horrified and grim.

“Sorry, I forgot what a prude you are.” Socially perhaps, but never in the bedroom. And she knew that about him. She had missed him. Hamish told the filthiest jokes on the planet, and loved looking at lots of tits and ass, but he was just as happy going to bed with a porn video and a bottle as with her.

“Why don't we just stop here? There's no point in this. You can't run the film backward. It's all over. It's done. End of story.”

“It's not done. It never was. And you know it.” She had hit a nerve that was so raw, it still made him jump. It was what he had been hiding from for a decade. No matter what had happened or how bad it had been, he had always loved her. And she knew it. She could sense it still. She was a shark with a radar screen, and unfailing instincts.

“I don't care. It's over,” he said gruffly. And the tone of his voice, almost hoarse, shot the same chemicals through her, it always had. She had never gotten over him either. She had cut it off, sliced their life away like a limb she no longer wanted, but all the nerves around the stump were still raw and throbbing and alive.

“Don't have dinner with me. Have a drink. Just see me, for God's sake. What difference does it make? Why can't you do that?” Because he didn't want to hurt anymore, he reminded himself, but he felt an irresistible pull toward her and hated himself for it.

“I saw you yesterday, in the lobby.”

“No, you didn't. You saw Hamish's widow, his two kids, and your daughter.”

“That's who you are, isn't it?” he said miserably, not wanting a different answer from her.

“No, it isn't. Not to you, Matt.” The silence between them was deafening, and he groaned. She made him feel insane. She always had. Even after she left him. She could always do that to him. She knew where all the chords were, and the raw nerves, and she loved playing with all of them.

“All right, all right. Half an hour. No more. I'll see you. We'll bury the hatchet, declare ourselves friends, and then for God's sake, get the hell out of my life before you drive me crazy.” She had done it. She had gotten to him. She always did. It was the nemesis of his life. The purgatory he'd been living in, and that she'd condemned him to when she left him.

“Thank you, Matt,” she said softly. “Six o'clock tomorrow? Come to the suite. It'll be quiet and we can talk.”

“I'll see you then,” he said coldly, furious that he had given in to her. And all she could do was pray that in the next twenty-four hours, he wouldn't cancel. She knew that if she saw him, even for half an hour, everything might change. And the worst of it was that, as he hung up the phone, Matt knew it too.

24

MATT DROVE INTO TOWN AT FIVE O'CLOCK THE NEXT day, and arrived fifteen minutes early. He walked around the lobby, looking like he was stalking it, and at precisely six o'clock he was standing outside her suite, and rang the bell. He hadn't wanted to be there, but he knew that once and for all, he had to confront this. If he didn't, it would haunt him forever.

She opened the door looking serious and elegant in a black suit, black stockings, high heels, and her long blond hair was as beautiful as her daughter's. She was still a spectacular-looking woman.

“Hi, Matt,” she said easily, and offered him a chair and a martini. She remembered that he had always loved them, although he no longer drank them. But this time he accepted.

She made one for herself too, and sat down on the couch across from him, and the first few minutes were inevitably awkward, but the martinis helped them. And predictably, it didn't take long for either of them to feel the chemistry between them. Or she did, what Matt felt was subtly different. He couldn't identify the differences yet, but he knew that somehow, at the core of his feelings for her, there had been subtle mutations, and he was relieved.

“Why didn't you ever remarry?” she asked, playing with her olives.

“You cured me,” he said with a smile, admiring her legs. They were as good as they always had been, and the short skirt gave him an impressive view of them. “I've been living like a hermit for the past ten years. I'm a recluse…an artist …” He made light of it, and had no desire to make her feel guilty. It was his life now, and he was comfortable with it. In fact, he had come to prefer it to the life they'd led.

“Why do you do that to yourself?” she said, looking concerned.

“Actually, it suits me. I've done what I wanted to in the world. I've proven everything I want to prove. I live on a beach and I paint… and talk to stray children, and dogs.” He smiled to himself, thinking of Pip, and thought of Ophélie suddenly, who in her own way, was far more beautiful than this woman. They were infinitely different in every possible way.

“You need a life, Matt,” Sally said gently. “Do you ever think of going back to New York?” She had been thinking of it. She had never liked Auckland, or New Zealand. And now she was free, to do whatever she wanted.

“Never. Not for a minute,” he said honestly. “Been there. Done that.” Thinking of Ophélie, even for a minute, had somehow helped him return to his senses and maintain distance from her.

“What about Paris or London?”

“Maybe. When I get tired of being a beach bum. I'm not there yet. When I do, maybe I'll move to Europe. But now that Robert will be here for the next four years, I'm more motivated to stay.” And Vanessa had told him she wanted to go to UCLA in two years, or maybe even Berkeley. He wasn't moving anywhere for the moment. He wanted to be near his children. He had been cheated out of them for long enough, now he wanted to soak up every moment he could with them.

“I'm surprised you're not bored with all that, Matt. The life of a recluse. You were pretty jazzy in the old days.” And the art director of the biggest ad agency in New York, with a lot of powerful, important clients. He and Sally had chartered planes and houses and yachts to entertain them. But he no longer had a hunger for it, hadn't in a decade.

“I guess I grew up at some point. It happens to some of us.”

“You don't look a day older.” She tried another tack, since the others weren't working. She couldn't see herself living in a beach shack with him, that really would have killed her.

“Well, I feel it. But thank you, you don't either.” In fact, she looked better than ever, and a little more weight suited her and gave her a slightly more voluptuous figure. She had always been too skinny in the old days, although he had liked it. “So what are you going to do now?” he asked with interest.

“I don't know. I'm trying to figure that out. It's all so fresh.” She hardly looked like a grieving widow, and wasn't. She looked more like a liberated felon. Unlike Ophélie, who had been ravaged by the death of her husband. The contrasts between the two women were enormous. “I've been thinking about New York,” she said, and then looked at him shyly. “I know it's a crazy idea, but I've been wondering if …” Her eyes looked deep into his, and she didn't finish. She didn't need to. He knew her. And that was the issue. He knew her.

“If I'd like to go with you, and try it for a while, see where things go…if we could put it all back together, turn back the clock and fall in love all over again… God, that would be an idea, wouldn't it? …” He filled in for her, looking pensive, and she was nodding. He had understood her. He always had. Better than she knew. “The trouble is… that's all I wanted for ten years. Not overtly. I didn't torture myself daily, you were married to Hamish, there was no hope for us… and now you're not, he's gone… and the funny thing is, Sally…I realize now that I couldn't do it. You're beautiful, just as beautiful as you always were, and with another couple of martinis, I'd fall into bed with you and figure I'd died and gone to Heaven…but then what? You're still you, and I'm me… and all the reasons it blew to smithereens before are still there and always would be…I probably bore you. And the truth is, much as I love you and maybe always will, I don't want to be with you anymore. The cost is too high to me. I want to be with a woman who loves me. I'm not sure you ever did. Love isn't just an object, a purchase, a sale, it's an exchange, a trade, a gift you give and receive…I want the gift next time…I want to get it, and give it …” He felt remarkably at peace as he said it to her. He had had the chance he wanted for ten years, and found that he didn't really want it. It was an incredible feeling of liberation, and at the same time of loss…of disappointment, victory, and freedom.

“You always were such a romantic,” she said, sounding slightly irritated. Things weren't going the way she wanted.

“And you weren't,” he said, smiling. “Maybe that's the problem. I believe in all that romantic drivel. You want to get on with it. Bury one guy, and exhume another. Not to mention what you did with our kids. The trouble is you damn near killed me, and my spirit is floating out there somewhere, it's free now… and I think it likes it that way…”

“You always were a little crazy.” She laughed. But he had never been as sane in his life, and he knew it. “What about an affair?” She was playing let's make a deal now and he felt sorry for her.

“That would be foolish, and confusing. Don't you think? Then what? I'd like nothing more than to go to bed with you. But that's when all the trouble starts. I care. You don't. Someone else comes along. I get tossed on my head out a window. It's not exactly my favorite form of transportation. Sleeping with you is a dangerous sport, for me at least. And I have a healthy respect for my own pain threshold. I don't think I could do it. In fact, I know I couldn't.”

“So now what?” She looked frustrated and angry as she poured herself another martini. Her third now. He had left his first one unfinished. He had outgrown those too. It didn't taste as good as it used to.

“Now we do what you said we would. We declare ourselves friends, wish each other luck, say good-bye, and go on about our business. You go to New York, have a good time, find a new husband, move to Paris or London or Palm Beach, bring up your kids, and I'll see you at Robert and Vanessa's weddings.” It was all he wanted both for her and from her. And nothing more.

“And what about you, Matt?” she spat at him. “You rot at the beach forever?”

“Maybe. Or maybe I grow like a strong old tree, put down roots, and enjoy my life with the people who sit under it and don't want to shake the tree every ten minutes, or chop it down. Sometimes a quiet life is a good thing.” The concept was entirely foreign to her. She loved excitement. No matter what she had to do to create it.

“You're not old enough to think that way. You're only forty-seven, for chrissake. Hamish was fifty-two and he acted half your age.”

“And now he's dead. So maybe that wasn't such a hot idea either. Maybe somewhere in the middle works. But whatever the case, your path and mine have gone in different directions forever. I would drive you insane, and you would kill me. Not a pretty picture.”

“Is there someone else?”

“Maybe. But that's not the issue. If I were in love with you, I would drop everything and follow you to the ends of the earth forever. You know me. Romantic fool, all that stuff you think is so incredibly stupid. But I'd do it. The trouble is, I'm not in love with you. I thought I was. But I guess I got off the train somewhere along the way, and didn't know it. I love our kids, and our memories, and some crazy, young lost ancient part of me will forever love you. But I don't love you enough to try again, Sally, or to follow you forever.” And with that, he stood up, bent down, and kissed the top of her head, and she didn't move as she watched him walk to the door and open it. She didn't try to stop him. She knew better. He meant every word he said. He always did, always had, always would. And as he stood there, he took one last look at her before he left her life forever.

“Bye, Sally,” he said, feeling better than he had in years. “Good luck.”

“I hate you,” she said, feeling drunk, as the door closed.

And for Matt, the spell was broken at last. It was finally over.

25

MATT HAD DINNER WITH PIP AND OPHÉLIE AT THEIR house, to exchange presents with them the night before Christmas Eve. They had decorated the tree, and Ophélie had insisted on cooking a goose for him, because it was a French tradition. Pip hated it and was going to eat a hamburger, but Ophélie had wanted to have a nice Christmas with him, and she had never seen him look better.

They had both been busy and had hardly talked in the past week. He had never mentioned to her that he had seen Sally, and he wasn't sure yet if he would. What had happened between them still seemed private to him, and he wasn't ready yet to share it with her. But there was no question, it had liberated him, and although Ophélie didn't know what had happened, she could sense it. And as always, he was extraordinarily gentle and loving with her.

They were planning to exchange gifts that night, but Pip couldn't wait until after dinner. She insisted on giving hers to him, and wanted him to open it immediately, when he threatened to save it till Christmas.

“No! Now!” She hopped up and down and clapped her hands, watching him excitedly as he tore off the paper, and as soon as he saw what it was, he burst into laughter. They were a man-sized pair of giant yellow, fluffy Big Bird slippers, and they fit him.

“I love them!” he said, hugging her. He put them on and kept them on through dinner. “They're perfect. Now we can all wear them in Tahoe. You and your mom have to bring Grover and Elmo.” Pip promised to do that, and then was overwhelmed when he gave her the beautiful bicycle he had gotten for her. She rode through the dining room and living room, nearly knocked over the tree, and then took it outside to ride it down the block while her mother finished cooking dinner.

“What about you?” he asked Ophélie, as they each sipped a glass of white wine. “Are you ready for a present?” He knew his would be a double-edged sword, and there was a chance it might upset her, but in the long run he thought she would be pleased. “Do you have a minute?” She nodded and they sat down, while Pip was still outside trying out her new bike. And Matt was glad to have a moment alone with her mother. He handed her the wrapped gift, and she couldn't imagine what it was. It was in a large flat box and didn't rattle.

“What is it?” she asked, looking touched before she even saw it.

“You'll see.” She tore off the paper and opened the box. It was bubble-wrapped and flat, and she made her way cautiously through the wrappings, and then as the last bit of paper came away, she gasped, and her eyes filled with tears instantly. She put a hand to her mouth and closed her eyes. It was Chad, and it looked just like him. He had made a portrait of him to match the one he had done of Pip for her birthday. She opened her eyes and looked at him then, and then sank against his chest, crying.

“Oh my God, Matt… thank you… thank you…” She looked at the portrait again. It was like seeing her son again, as he smiled at her. It made her realize yet again how much she missed him, and at the same time it put balm on the pain. It was perfect. “How did you do it?” It looked exactly like Chad, even the smile was exactly him.

Matt pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to her. It was the framed photograph of Chad he had taken from her living room when he first thought of it. “I apologize. I'm a kleptomaniac.” She laughed when she saw it.

“You know, I looked for that. I couldn't figure out where it went. I thought Pip had taken it, and I didn't want to upset her by asking. I thought she was hiding it in her room, or a drawer… but I spent weeks looking for it.” She set it back on the table in the living room from where he'd taken it to do the portrait. “Matt, how can I ever thank you?”

“You don't have to. I love you. And I want you to be happy.” He was about to say more, as Pip flew through the door, with Mousse barking behind her. He had been running along beside her.

“I love my bike!” she shouted, as she crashed past a table in the front hall, and narrowly missed another one, and then came to a screeching halt in front of them as she put the brakes on. It was a very grown-up bike, and it was obvious that she loved it. And then Ophélie showed her the portrait of Chad, and Pip grew silent.

“Wow…it looks just like him …” She looked at her mother, and the two of them held hands and stared at it for a long time. All three of them had tears in their eyes. It was a tender moment, and then Ophélie smelled disaster brewing in the kitchen. The goose was not only cooked, but nearly burning.

“Yuk!” Pip said as Ophélie served it.

They had a delicious dinner and a wonderful evening, and Ophélie waited to give Matt her gift until Pip went up to bed. It was special, and important to her, and she hoped he'd like it. And his face, when he opened it, was as moved as hers had been when she saw the portrait. It was an old Breguet watch of her fa-ther's, from the fifties. It was a handsome piece, and she had no one to give it to now. No husband, no son, no brother. She had been saving it for Chad, and she wanted Matt to have it. He put it on reverently, and was as pleased and touched as she was with Chad's portrait.

“I don't know what to say,” he said, as he looked at the beautiful timepiece and then kissed her. “I love you, Ophélie,” he said quietly. What they shared was everything he wanted it to be, not like what he had shared with Sally. This was quiet and powerful and real, two good people slowly and solidly bonding to each other. He would have done almost anything for her, and she knew it. And for Pip as well. She was a good woman, a great woman even, and he felt incredibly lucky. He felt totally safe when he was with her, as she did with him. Nothing could touch them within the circle of the powerful force that they shared.

“I love you too, Matt… Merry Christmas,” she whispered, and then kissed him. And in the kiss was everything she felt for him, and all the passion she'd been resisting.

And when he left that night, he was wearing her fa-ther's watch, she lay in bed looking at Chad's portrait with a smile on her face, and the red bike was propped against Pip's bed, where she had left it. It truly was the magic of Christmas.

The “real” Christmas Eve that Pip and Ophélie shared was far more difficult, and inevitably painful. Despite all their efforts to make it otherwise, it wound up being less about who was there than who wasn't. Andrea's absence was felt, and the continuing absence of Ted and Chad was like an ongoing bad joke that never seemed to end. Halfway through the day, Ophélie wanted to throw up her hands and scream “Okay, enough! You can come out now!” But they didn't and never would again. And along with their absence, she felt overwhelmed by the realization that the memories she had once cherished of their marriage had been irretrievably tainted by what had happened with Andrea, and her baby.

It was a difficult day, and they were both glad to see it end. They climbed into Ophélie's bed that night, and the only thing that cheered them was that they were going to Tahoe to see Matt and his family the next morning. And as promised, Pip packed their Grover and Elmo slippers. By ten o'clock, she was sound asleep in her mother's arms, and Ophélie lay awake for a long time, holding her little girl close to her.

The holidays had been better than they had been the year before, mostly because they were getting used to it, the reality that half their family was gone. But in some ways, it was harder too, because they were beginning to realize that it was never going to change. Life as they had known and cherished it in their family was gone for good. Things might be happy again one day, but they would never, ever be the same. And Ophélie, and even Pip, understood that.

It had helped them both hearing frequently from Matt. Ophélie had heard nothing from Andrea, and had no desire to. Andrea was out of their life forever. Pip had talked about her once, saw her mother's face, and never mentioned her again. The message from Ophélie was loud and clear. Andrea no longer existed in their world.

And as she lay in bed, thinking about it all, Ophélie's thoughts drifted first to Ted and Chad, and then to Matt. She loved the portrait he had done, and the way he was with Pip. His kindness to them had been without measure ever since they'd met. And she could feel herself falling in love with him, and ever more attracted to him, but she didn't know what she wanted to do. She wasn't sure she was ready for another man in her life, and didn't know if she ever would be. Not only because she had been in love with Ted, but also because since Thanksgiving, she had lost all faith in what love could mean between two people. It meant sorrow and disappointment and betrayal to her now, and loss of everything you once believed and trusted. She didn't want to go through that again, with anyone, no matter how lovely and kind Matt seemed. He was human, and human beings did terrible things to each other, most often in the guise and the name of love. Asking anyone to believe in that again, and risk everything seemed almost too much to her. She was no longer sure, and knew she could never trust anyone as she once had, not even Matt. He deserved better than that, particularly after what he'd gone through with Sally.

But she and Pip were both in good spirits when they left the next day. She had brought chains with her in case they ran into snow on the way. But the roads were clear all the way to Truckee, and with his directions, she made her way easily to Squaw Valley. He had rented a spectacular house, with two extra bedrooms for her and Pip. And three more for him and his kids.

Vanessa and Robert were out skiing when they arrived, and Matt was waiting for them in the living room with a roaring fire, hot chocolate, and a plate of sandwiches for both of them. It was an elegant and luxurious house, and he was wearing black ski pants and a heavy gray sweater, and looked as handsome and rugged as ever. He was a good-looking man, and Ophélie felt instantly drawn to him. He appealed to her enormously, but she was still afraid to do anything about it. It still wasn't too late to turn back, although she knew it would disappoint him immensely. But disappointment might be better for both of them than eventual despair and destruction. The risks of allowing herself to abandon herself to him seemed dangerously high to her, yet at the same time doing so appealed to her immensely. She was in constant conflict about him, and all the while, she felt ever closer to him. She could no longer imagine her life without him. And in spite of her fears, she knew she loved him.

“Did you bring the Elmo and Grover slippers?” Matt asked Pip almost immediately, and she nodded her head and grinned.

“Me too. I brought Big Bird with me.” Before the others got back, the three of them put them on, and sat laughing by the fire, as he put on some music. And a little while later, Vanessa and Robert came in. They were great-looking kids, and Vanessa enjoyed meeting Ophélie and Pip. She had an instant affinity for the child, and looked with shy admiration at her mother. There was a gentleness about Ophélie that appealed to her, and a kindness that was almost tangible. She saw all the same things in her as Matt, and she said as much to him later, when she was helping him start dinner, and Pip and Ophélie were in their rooms, unpacking.

“I see why you like her, Dad. She's a good person, and really nice. She looks so sad sometimes, even when she smiles. It makes you want to give her a hug.” It did the same thing to him. “And I love Pip. She's so cute!”

The two girls were fast friends by that night, and Vanessa invited Pip to sleep in her room, and the younger girl was thrilled. She thought Vanessa was fabulous, really beautiful, and extremely cool, as she told her mother when she put on her pajamas. And after the young people went to bed, Ophélie and Matt sat in front of the fire for hours, until there was nothing left but glowing embers. They talked about music and art, and politics in France, their children and parents, his painting and their dreams. They talked about people they had known, and dogs they had had when they were children. In the process of getting to know each other better and better, they left no stone unturned, and wanted to know everything about each other. And before they each went to their own rooms, he kissed her, and it took them forever to leave each other. What they knew of each other was a powerful force between them.

The next morning all five of them left the house together, and stood on line for the lifts. Robert wanted to ski with some friends from college he'd run into, Vanessa took off with Pip, and Matt offered to stay with Ophélie.

“I don't want to hold you back,” she said cautiously, wearing a black ski suit she'd had for years, but it looked simple and elegant on her. She wore it with a big fur hat, and looked very glamorous to him. But she insisted that her skill on the slopes was not equal to the ski suit.

“Believe me, you won't hold me back,” he reassured her. “I haven't skied for five years. I came up here for the kids. You'll be doing me a favor, you may have to rescue me.” But as it turned out, they were equally matched, and enjoyed a morning of gentle skiing on the intermediate slopes. It was all either of them wanted, and by lunchtime, they were waiting in the restaurant for the kids, who arrived minutes later, looking red-faced and athletic. Pip looked ecstatic as she pulled off her cap and gloves. She was having a ball, and Vanessa looked happy too. She had seen some cute boys, and they had followed her on the slopes. But mostly, she just thought it was in good fun. She didn't appear to be out of control, or wild, unlike her mother at the same age.

The kids skied all afternoon, and Matt and Ophélie enjoyed one long run. And when it started to snow, they went home. Matt lit the fire and put the music on, and Ophélie made them both hot toddies with rum. They settled back on the couch with a stack of magazines and books, and looked up and smiled at each other from time to time. Ophélie was amazed by how easy it was to be with him. Ted had been so much more difficult and demanding, and anxious and argumentative about nearly everything. She commented on the difference to Matt. Their match was a blend of comfort, barely concealed passion, and deep affection. And in addition, they were best friends.

“I like this too,” he said easily, and he decided to tell her then about the last time he'd seen Sally.

“You didn't feel anything for her?” Ophélie asked, taking a sip of the hot rum and watching him for clues. She had been worried about Sally for a while, particularly since she'd been widowed.

“A lot less than I expected to, or was afraid I would. I was afraid I would have to fight her off, in my head if nowhere else. And it wasn't like that. It seemed sad and funny, and everything that had always been wrong between us. All she wanted was to manipulate me to get what she wanted, and instead of being in love with her, I felt sorry for her. She's a very sad woman. Not to mention the fact that her husband of nearly ten years had been dead for less than a month. Loyalty isn't one of Sally's strong suits.”

“I guess not.” Ophélie was a little shocked by the brazenness of what she'd done, after all the pain she had caused him. But she didn't seem to suffer from guilt either. Most of all, Ophélie was relieved. “Why didn't you tell me you'd seen her?” He told her so many things about his life that it seemed odd that he hadn't.

“I think I needed to sort it out after it happened. But I walked out of that room a free man, for the first time in ten years. Going to see her was one of the best things I've ever done.” He looked pleased with himself, as he looked at Ophélie, and she smiled at him.

“I'm glad,” Ophélie said quietly, wishing that her own feelings about her marriage could be as easily resolved. But there was no one to see, no one to talk to, no one to rail at, or argue with, or cry on, or explain to her why it had happened, or why he had done what he'd done. The only choice she had was to resolve it herself, with time, in solitude and silence.

When the kids came home from skiing, Ophélie cooked dinner that night, and then they all sat around telling stories by the fire. Vanessa talked about her many boyfriends in Auckland, while Pip looked at her admiringly, and Robert teased them both. It was a comfortable family scene that touched both of the adults' hearts. It was what Matt had longed for, for all the years that his children had been gone, and what Ophélie missed so much now that Ted and Chad were gone. There was a wholeness to it, a normalcy that came from being two adults, surrounded by three children, laughing and sitting by a fire. It was what neither of them had ever really had in their previous lives, but always wanted.

“Nice, isn't it?” Matt smiled at her, as they met in the kitchen, while she put some cookies on a plate for the kids, and he poured a glass of wine for Ophélie and himself.

“Very nice,” she said, smiling at him. By most of the world's standards, and even theirs, it was a dream come true. And all Matt wanted was for it to last forever. He knew she had issues to wrestle with, and fears to overcome, just as he did, but he wanted them both to come to the same conclusions and find each other at the end. But he was ever cautious with her. He knew how skittish she was. Better than anyone. Because he knew, or at least as much as she did, what Ted had done. It was almost as bad as if he had put a curse on her, or damned her, or condemned her to distrust for the rest of her life. And no one knew better than Matt what a curse that was. But at least they were free of it for the moment, in their safe little world in Tahoe.

They went to a nearby restaurant for dinner on New Year's Eve, and then stopped in at a hotel to see the festivities there. People were wearing ski clothes and big, bright sweaters, and only a few, like Ophélie, were wearing fur. She looked very chic in a black velvet jumpsuit, with a black fox jacket over it, and a matching hat.

“You look like a black mushroom, Mom,” Pip said to her mother with a disapproving look. But Vanessa pronounced the outfit “cool.” And Ophélie would have worn it anyway. She was impervious to Pip's more conservative fashion advice, and Matt loved the way she looked. No matter what she wore, or how well she spoke English, Ophélie always looked very French. It was either a scarf she wore, or a pair of earrings, or an old Hermès bag on a strap over her shoulder that she had owned since she was nineteen. But somehow the bits and pieces she extracted from her closet, and the way she wore them, always gave her nationality away.

And in light of her origins, and the atmosphere of the surroundings, she let Pip have a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve. Matt did the same with Vanessa, and although he wasn't of legal drinking age, since Robert wasn't driving, Matt offered his son some wine. He seemed to handle it fairly well, and his father was sure that legal or not, he did his share of drinking at Stanford just like everyone else. He was a reasonable young man.

They were in the lodge at the hotel when the clock struck midnight, and all of them kissed each other, French style on both cheeks, and wished each other a Happy New Year. It wasn't until they got home, and the kids had gone to bed an hour later, that Matt kissed her with more passion. They were alone in the living room by then, cuddled together in front of a dying fire, but the room was still warm. It had been a nice night. Especially for the kids, who seemed to be getting along extremely well, but so were they. Matt had never been as happy in his life, and Ophélie felt remarkably at peace. Despite everything she'd been through in recent months, and even the past year, she could feel the burdens that had rested on her for so long slowly fall away from her, one by one.

“Happy?” Matt asked her as he held her close to him. They were whispering in the dark room, lit only by the fire, and they were both sure that all the kids were asleep by then. Pip was once again in Vanessa's room. The two had become fast friends. And Pip looked up to the older girl like the big sister she'd never had and wished she did. And Vanessa's only siblings, both older and younger, were boys, so it was a nice change for her too.

“Very happy,” Ophélie answered softly. She was always happy with him. She felt protected and safe and loved in his world. She had a sense that no harm could come to her as long as she was with him. And all he wanted was to protect her, shield her from all the agonies she'd been through, and put balm on her many wounds. The prospect of that didn't daunt him.

He kissed her again then, and they gently and quietly explored each other more than they ever had before. And as she felt his hands roving slowly over her, she realized how hungry for him she was. It was as though everything about her as a woman had died in the past fourteen months, since Ted had died, and she was coming alive again slowly in Matt's hands. And he was overwhelmed with desire for her. They sat there together for a long time, and then lay on the couch, their bodies and limbs intertwined, until he finally whispered to her.

“We're going to get ourselves into trouble if we stay out here for much longer.” She giggled in answer, feeling like a young girl again for the first time in years. It took him all the courage he could muster to ask her the next question, but the time seemed to be right, finally, for both of them. “Do you want to come to my room?” he whispered in her ear, and she nodded, as his heart nearly broke with relief. He had wanted this for so long, wanted her, more than he had even dared admit to himself.

They both stood up and he took her by the hand, and led her to his room, as they both tiptoed on silent feet. Ophélie nearly laughed, there was something so funny about hiding from their children, but everyone in the house was asleep. And as soon as they were in Matt's room, he closed the door behind them and locked it, and then swept her up in his arms and walked her to the bed, where he gently set her down. And a moment later, he was lying next to her.

“I love you so much, Ophélie,” he whispered, with the moonlight streaming into the room. It was cozy and warm as they kissed and undressed each other, and within seconds they were under the sheets. And ever so gently, he reached out to her. He could feel her trembling next to him, and all he wanted to do was make her feel happy and loved.

“I love you, Matt,” she whispered back, and he could hear the tremor in her voice. He could sense how frightened she was, and for a long time he just held her close to him, pressing her against him. “It's all right, darling… you're safe with me… nothing bad is going to happen to you, I promise…”

He could feel tears on her cheeks when he kissed her, and she whispered to him, “I'm so scared, Matt…”

“Please don't be…I love you so much… I'll never hurt you. I promise.” She believed him, but she no longer believed in life. Life would hurt them, given the opportunity. Terrible things would happen if she let down her guard and allowed him into her world completely. She would lose him, or he would betray her, or he would leave her or die. Nothing was sure anymore, she knew. She couldn't trust anyone or anything, not even him. Not this close. She realized then that she had been foolish to think she could do this.

“Matt, I can't …” she said in an anguished voice. “I'm too scared.” She couldn't make love to him, couldn't let him that close to her. It was too frightening to care that much, and once she let him into her life and her soul and her body and heart, nothing would be safe anymore. He would own it all, and the demons that ruined people's lives would own them.

“I love you,” he said quietly. “We can wait… there's no rush… I'm not going away. I'm not going to leave you, or hurt you, or scare you… it's okay. I love you.” He defined the meaning of the word, as no other man had before, not even Ted. Least of all Ted. She felt terrible for disappointing Matt. But she knew she wasn't ready, and she didn't know now if she ever would be. It was impossible to say. All she knew was that she couldn't now. It would have been too terrifying to let him in. And he was willing to wait for her.

He held her in his arms for a long time that night, feeling her graceful body next to his, and he longed for her, but he was grateful for what they had. If that was all it could be for now, it was enough. Light was dawning as she finally got up, and put on her clothes again. She had dozed next to him, and clung to him all night. She wasn't even embarrassed to be naked next to him. She wanted him, but not enough.

He kissed her before she left his room, and she went back to her own bed and slept. She slept fitfully for two hours, and when she woke up, she felt the familiar lead weight on her chest. But it was different this time. It wasn't for Chad or for Ted, it was for what she hadn't been able to do with Matt the night before. She felt as though she had cheated him, and hated herself for disappointing him. She showered and dressed feeling anxious about seeing him, but as soon as she did, she knew it was fine. He smiled at her from across the room, and came to put an arm around her to reassure her. He was an incredible man, and in an odd way, she felt as though she had made love with him. She was even more comfortable with him now than she had been before. And she felt foolish for having panicked. Yet grateful to him for having waited.

They skied together on New Year's Day without ever talking about the night before. They just skied and chatted, and had fun together, and they spent the last night eating dinner with all the kids. Vanessa was going back to Auckland the next day, much to Matt's chagrin, but Matt was flying out to see her the following month. Pip and Ophélie were driving home in the morning, and the day after that, Pip had to go back to school. Robert had two more weeks' vacation, and was going to Heavenly to ski with friends. And Matt was going back to the beach. The vacation was over, but it had been a lovely week. Nothing had been resolved between Ophélie and Matt, but they both knew they were on no one's timetable but their own. And she knew without a doubt that if he had pushed her that night, or forced her, or been angry at her, even the hope of a romance between them would be gone. But Matt was far wiser than that, and he loved her more. They left each other the next morning with no promises, no certainties between them, only love and hope. It was far more than either of them had had when they met, and enough for both of them for now.

26

MATT STOPPED BY TO SEE OPHÉLIE AND PIP AFTER dropping Vanessa off at the airport to go to Auckland. He was sad after leaving her, and grateful for a cup of tea before going back to his solitary life at the beach. He realized more than ever now that the life they had all shared for the past week was what he wanted. He was tired of his solitude. But for the moment, there was no other option. Ophélie was not ready for more than they had, which was friendship with a promise of future passion and romance. She was in no way ready for more than that yet. He had no other choice but to wait and see what happened between them, if anything ever did. And if it didn't, if she was never able to reach out to him, then at least he could be a friend to her and Pip. He knew that was a possibility too. There were no guarantees in life. They had all had ample proof of that.

He was pleased to see, as he walked into the house, that the portraits he had done of Pip and Chad were hung in the living room in a place of honor.

“They look beautiful, don't they?” She smiled proudly and thanked him again. “How was Vanessa before she left?” Ophélie had become extremely fond of her, and Robert too. Like their father, they were nice people, with good manners, good hearts, and good values. She truly liked them.

“Vanessa was sad to leave,” he answered Ophélie's question, and had to fight back the memory of the night he had spent with Ophélie naked in his bed. He wished she had been able to trust him, and could only hope it would come later, if they were lucky. “I'll see her in a few weeks. She loved you and Pip.”

“We loved her too,” Ophélie said gently. And when Pip went upstairs to do her homework, she looked at Matt sadly. “I'm sorry about what happened in Tahoe.” It was the first time either of them had mentioned it. He hadn't wanted to embarrass her by referring to it, nor to press her. He thought it was better left unspoken between them. “I shouldn't have done that. In French, you call that being an allumeuse. I think there's a much more unattractive word for it in English. But it's not a nice thing to be. I wasn't trying to tease you, or fool you. I think if anything, I fooled me. I thought I was ready, and I wasn't.”

He didn't like talking to her about it, he was afraid that even doing that would push her to extreme conclusions. And he didn't want to close any doors between them. He wanted to leave them wide open, and give her the chance to come through them when she was ready. Whenever that happened, if it did, he'd be waiting for her. And in the meantime, all he could do was love her as best he could, even if the relationship was limited. “You didn't fool anyone, Ophélie. Time is a funny thing. You can't define it, can't buy it, can't predict its effect on people. Some people need more, some less. Take whatever time you need.”

“And if I never get there?” she asked him sadly. She was afraid she might not. The depth of her fears, and their paralyzing effect, had frightened her.

“If you never get there, I love you anyway,” he assured her, which was all she needed to hear. As always, he made her feel safe, unpressured, unharried. Being with Matt was always like a long, peaceful walk on the beach. It rested her soul. “Don't torture yourself. You have enough other things to worry about. Don't add me to that list. I'm fine.” He smiled at her, and leaned across the table to kiss her on the lips, and she didn't resist. In fact, she welcomed it. In her heart of hearts, she loved him, she just didn't know what to do about it yet. If she loved anyone, and allowed herself to live again, she knew it would be Matt. But she recognized the possibility that Ted might have ended her life as a woman for good. He didn't deserve to have that power over her, but much as she hated to admit it to herself, he still did. He had destroyed some essential part of her she could no longer find or retrieve. Like a sock that had gotten lost. But the sock was filled with love and trust. And she had no idea where it was. Gone, it would seem. Ted had thrown it away. He hadn't even taken it with him. She kept wondering what she had meant to him, and if he had loved her when he died. Or ever. And she would never know the answers. All she had left now were the questions.

“What are you up to tonight?” Matt asked her before he left.

She started to tell him and then hesitated as their eyes met. From the look on her face he knew, and hated it.

“The outreach team?”

“Yes,” she said, putting their cups in the sink. She didn't want to argue about it with him.

“God, I wish you'd stop doing that. I don't know what it's going to take to convince you. One of these days, Ophélie, something terrible is going to happen. I just don't want it to happen to you. They've been lucky, but they can't be lucky forever. Your exposure is too great, and so is theirs. You're out there two nights a week. Sooner or later the odds will get you, if nothing else.”

“I'll be all right,” she tried to reassure him, but as always, he was unconvinced.

He left at five, and a few minutes later, Alice came to baby-sit for Pip. It was routine by now. Ophélie had been doing it since September, and she felt completely confident about it, unlike Matt, who had constant forebodings of disaster. But Ophélie didn't share them. She knew the team well, and how capable they were. They were always sensible and cautious. They were cowboys, as they said themselves, but cowboys who knew their way around the streets, and watched their backs, and hers. And she had grown skilled at what she was doing too. She was no longer an innocent on the streets.

By seven o'clock, she was in the van, with Bob driving, and Jeff and Millie in the other van. They had added more supplies for their route, a number of food items, more medical supplies, warm clothes, condoms, and there was a wholesaler donating down jackets to them regularly. The vans were loaded that night, and the night was bitter cold. Bob told her with a grin that she should have worn long johns.

“So how's by you?” he chatted amiably, as they always did. “How was Christmas?”

“Pretty good. The day was tough.” They had both been through it, and he nodded. “But we went to Tahoe the day after. We went skiing with friends. It was fun.”

“Yeah, we went up to Alpine last year too. I've got to get the kids up this year. It's expensive though.” It made her aware again of how lucky she was not to have those worries. He had three mouths to feed and very little money. But he did everything he could for his children. “How's your romance, by the way?” They shared a lot, driving around all night, and they had their kids and widowhood in common. They exchanged a lot of advice and information, and talked more than they would have in an office. This was no desk job.

“What romance?” She looked innocent, and he shoved her playfully.

“Don't give me that, you phony. Couple a months ago you had a twinkle in your eye. Looked like Cupid got you in the ass…so what happened?” He liked her. She was a good woman with a lot of heart, and from what he'd seen on the streets working with her, a lotta balls, as he'd often said to Jeff. She was afraid of almost nothing. She had never held back, never hung back, she was right out there, night after night, every week, helping with the others. And all three of the regulars loved her. “So what's with the romance?” he persisted. They had time to chat as they headed toward the Mission.

“I'm chicken. Sounds stupid, I guess. He's a wonderful man, and I love him, but I just can't, Bob. Or not yet at least. I think too much has happened.” There was no point explaining to him about Ted and Andrea's baby, or the horrifying things she had said about Ophélie and Chad in her letter, which implied that Ted agreed with her, that Ophélie was incompetent and had handled their mentally ill son abominably and was the cause of his problems. The sheer cruelty of it still killed her. She had even asked herself if what Andrea had said was true, and she had exacerbated Chad's problems. Even if she'd been manipulating Ted, maybe there was some truth to it. She had tortured herself endlessly over the letter and finally burned it, so Pip would never find it and read it, as she had.

“I know, I know. A lotta shit happened to me too, when my wife died. It's hard to believe now, but you get over it. Enough to put your life back together. And by the way.” He tried to look nonchalant as he glanced out the window and not at “Opie,” as they all called her. She had come to like it. “I'm getting married.” He dropped the bomb on her, and she cheered when she heard it.

“Good for you! That's terrific. What do your kids think?”

“They like her… they love her… they always did.” Ophélie knew his fiancée had been his wife's best friend, which seemed to be a familiar story among widowers. They married their late wives' sisters or best friends. It was familiar to them.

“When?” Ophélie was pleased for him.

“Ah shit, I dunno… she's never been married before, so she wants to make it a big deal. I just want to go down to City Hall and get it over with.”

“Don't be such a spoilsport. Enjoy it. Hopefully, you'll never get married again.”

“Yeah, I hope not. She's a good woman though, and kinda like my best friend.”

“That's the best way.” Like the way she was with Matt. It was just too bad that she couldn't get over her own terrors enough to have a real relationship with him. She almost envied Bob. But his wife had been gone longer than Ted. Maybe one day, she hoped, she could throw caution and terror to the winds, and do it.

They skirted the edges of the Mission after that, did their drop-offs in Hunters Point, and had no trouble at all. It reminded her of how unnecessary Matt's fears for her were when she was on the streets. She was completely relaxed, and joking with Millie and Jeff when they stopped for hot coffee and something to eat. It was freezing outside, and the people on the street were miserable, and grateful for everything they gave them.

“Man, it's coooolllldddd tonight,” Bob said as they drove off again. They covered the loading docks and the railroad tracks, the underpasses and the back alleys, as they always did. They worked Third, Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Streets, although Bob said he never liked them. There were too many drug deals going down and people who could feel threatened by them, and thought they might interfere. It was never a good idea to interrupt business on the street. The people they wanted to reach were those who were simply trying to survive, not those who were preying on them. Sometimes the signals could get mixed. But Jeff liked that neighborhood, and he was right at times, there were huge numbers of homeless lying in the doorways and back alleys, under rags and tarps, and in the boxes they called “cribs.”

They cut into an alley called Jesse between Fifth and Sixth, because Millie told Jeff she saw a couple of people at the far end of it, and both of them hopped out. Bob and Ophélie waited, and figured with only a few people visible, the others could handle it, but Jeff signaled to them for sleeping bags and coats, which were stored in Bob and Ophélie's van. And she hopped out first.

“I'll get it,” she called back over her shoulder, and Bob hesitated, but she moved so fast, she was halfway down the alley with the bags and coats in her arms before Bob could get out.

“Hold on!” he shouted after her, and followed her, but the alley looked deserted, except for a crib at the far end. Jeff and Millie were already down there, and Ophélie had nearly reached them when a tall thin man stepped out of a doorway and grabbed her. Bob saw him reach for her, and started running toward them. The man was holding Ophélie by one arm, but oddly enough, she wasn't frightened. As she had learned to do instinctively, she looked him right in the eye, and smiled at him.

“Do you want a sleeping bag and a jacket?” She could tell he was high on something, speed probably, or crystal meth, but her firm gaze telegraphed to him that she wasn't afraid and meant him no harm.

“No, baby, I don't. What else you got? You got anything I want?” The man had huge wild eyes that darted around him.

“Food, medicine, warm coats, some rain ponchos, sleeping bags, scarves, hats, socks, duffel bags, tarps, whatever you want.”

“You selling this shit?” he asked angrily, just as Bob reached them, and took in the scene.

“No, we're giving it to you,” she said calmly.

“Why?” He was hostile and speedy, and looked nervous. Bob stood very still. He could sense trouble, and didn't want to upset the delicate balance between them.

“I figured you might need it.”

“Who's the dude?” He still had Ophélie by the arm and his grip had tightened. “Is he a cop?”

“No, he isn't. We're from the Wexler Center. What can I give you?”

“A blow job, you bitch. I don't need any shit from you.”

“That's enough.” Bob stepped in quietly, as Jeff and Millie approached slowly from the other end of the alley. They knew something was happening, but they couldn't see what yet, but they could hear him. “Let her go, man,” Bob said quietly but firmly.

“What are you? Her pimp?”

“You don't need trouble, and neither do we. Give it up, man. Let her go,” he said clearly, and was sorry he no longer carried a gun. Seeing it drawn would have backed the guy off. By then, Jeff and Millie walked up, and the man holding Ophélie in his grip looked angry and yanked her suddenly toward him.

“What is this? Undercover? You guys look like cops to me.”

“We're not cops,” Jeff shouted clearly. “I used to be a Navy SEAL, and I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't knock it off and give her up.” He had pulled Ophélie halfway across the alley toward a doorway where Bob could see there were two more guys waiting for him impatiently. It was the situation they hated most, they had walked into a drug deal in progress. “We don't give a shit what you're doing. We've got medicine and food and clothes for people here. You don't want them, fine, but we got work to do. Go on about your business. It's no skin off my ass.” All they could do was talk tough when things got tough, they had nothing to back it up. And the drug dealer who was hanging on to Ophélie looked like he didn't believe them.

“What's she? She looks like a cop too.” He pointed at Millie, and Ophélie kept silent. Millie always looked like a policewoman to her too.

“Used to be. She got kicked off the force for prostitution,” Jeff said valiantly, but the guy didn't buy it.

“You're bullshitting. She stinks of cop to me, and so does this one,” and with that he let go of Ophélie's arm, and shoved her backward toward them, and sent her reeling. She nearly fell, and hadn't expected it, and as she caught her balance and stood up, they all heard gunshots. They had never even seen him pull the gun. And within a split second, he seemed to do a twirl and a jump in space, leaped like a ballet dancer, and started to run.

Jeff started to run after him, and Bob shouted after him as the two men in the doorway vanished into thin air. They disappeared and a door closed. Everything happened so fast, and the whole focus was on Jeff and the man he was chasing, as Millie ran faster and shouted at Jeff too. They weren't armed, there was no point chasing him down. If they got him, there was nothing they could do except risk being shot while they wrestled him to the ground. They weren't cops, and what Bob wanted to do was get the hell out. He turned to tell Ophélie to run to the van, and as he did, he saw she had dropped where she stood, and there was blood everywhere. The man with the gun had shot her.

“Fuck, Opie… what did you do?” he said, as he got down on his knees and tried to pick her up. He wanted to get her out of there, hoping it was a surface wound, but he saw instantly that she was too badly injured to move, and they were sitting ducks with her lying where they were. There were drug deals going down. The alley had been a bad move.

Bob shouted as loud as he could, and Millie heard him first. He signaled to her, and she called out to Jeff. They had seen Ophélie on the ground in Bob's arms by then, and came back at a dead run. Jeff had his cell phone in his hand, and was already calling 911. They were back with Bob and Ophélie within seconds. Bob looked like he was in shock, and she was unconscious, but he had found a pulse, and she was still breathing, but barely.

“Shit,” Jeff said, as he got on his knees next to her and Millie ran to the mouth of the alley to wave the paramedics in when they got there. “Is she gonna make it?”

“Doesn't look good,” Bob said through clenched teeth. He was pissed at Jeff. The alley had been a bad decision. It was the first dumb one they'd made in a long time. And he was even more pissed at himself for letting her do it, and not following her more closely. But without guns, there was almost nothing they could do to protect each other in situations like this. They had talked about bulletproof vests at one point, but decided they didn't need them. And until then they hadn't. “She's a widow with a kid,” Bob said to Jeff as they watched her.

“I know, man…I know… where the fuck are they?”

“Coming, I hear them,” Bob said, watching her, and keeping his fingers on the pulse in her neck. It was getting weaker, and it had only been minutes, but it felt like lifetimes. But they could hear the sirens coming, and a second later, Jeff saw Millie waving, as the paramedics came running.

They loaded her onto the gurney quickly, as one of them ran a line into her arm while they were still moving. “How many shots were there?” one of them asked Jeff as he ran beside them. Bob ran to get into his van, so he could follow the ambulance to General. They had the best trauma unit in town. And he could hear himself praying as he started the van and turned it around.

“Three shots,” Jeff told them, as they put the gurney in the ambulance as fast as possible, and both paramedics jumped in. They took off as one of them closed the door. And Jeff ran back to his van. Millie was already behind the wheel. Both vans followed the ambulance at full speed. It was the first incident like it that had happened to them, but it was no consolation now.

“Think she'll make it?” Millie asked, weaving in and out of traffic, her eyes on the road, and her foot lead on the gas.

Jeff took a breath and shook his head. He hated to say it but he didn't, and neither did she. “No, I don't,” he said honestly. “She took three bullets at close range. Unless the guy was firing a peashooter, she's dead. No one can survive that. Not a woman at least.”

“I did,” she said grimly. It had blown her off the force and put her on disability, and it took a hell of a long time, but she'd lived. Her male partner who was shot at the same time, hadn't. Sometimes it was just the luck of the draw in situations like this.

They were at the hospital in seven minutes, and all three of them got out of the two vans, and followed the gurney inside. They had cut off her clothes by then, and she was lying half naked, exposed, and with so much blood on her you couldn't see what was happening. And within seconds, she disappeared into the trauma unit, unconscious, with an oxygen mask on her face. Her three co-workers sat silently, not knowing who to call, or if they should. It seemed sinful to call a kid, and they figured there was a baby-sitter. At least someone had to know.

“What do you think, guys?” Jeff asked. He was in charge, but it was a tough call.

“My kids would want to know,” Bob said quietly. They all looked sick, and Jeff turned to him again before he walked to a pay phone in the hall.

“How old is her kid?”

“Twelve. Her name is Pip.”

“Do you want me to call the baby-sitter or talk to her?” Millie offered. It might be less scary if a woman called. But how much more scary could it be than telling her that her mom had been shot twice in the chest and once in the stomach. Jeff shook his head and headed for the phone, as the others waited, leaning against the wall near the trauma unit door. At least no one had come out yet to tell them she had died. But Bob felt sure it wouldn't be long before they did.

The phone rang in the bungalow at Safe Harbour just after two A.M. Matt had been asleep for nearly two hours, but he woke suddenly. Now that he had kids again, he never turned off the phone, and worried if anyone called him at an unusual hour. He wondered if it was Robert, or Vanessa in Auckland. He hoped it wasn't Sally.

“Hello?” he said sleepily, after he had groped for the phone.

“Matt.” It was Pip, and in the single word he could hear that her voice was shaking.

“Is something wrong?” But he knew it before she said it, as a wave of terror filled him.

“It's my mom. She's been shot. She's in the hospital. Can you come?”

“Right now,” he said, throwing back the covers, and stepping onto the floor, still holding the phone. “What happened?”

“I don't know. They called Alice, and then I talked to them. The man said she was shot three times.”

“Is she alive?” He nearly choked when he asked her.

“Yes.” Her voice was very small, and she was crying.

“Did he say how it happened?”

“No. Will you come?”

“I'll be there as fast as I can get there.” He didn't know whether to go to the hospital, or to Pip at home. He wanted to be with Ophélie, but it sounded as though Pip needed him.

“Can I go with you?”

He hesitated for only a fraction of an instant, and grabbed a pair of jeans as he listened to her. “Okay. Get dressed. I'll be there as soon as I can. Where is she?”

“SF General. She just got there. It just happened. That's all I know.”

“I love you, Pip. Good-bye.” He didn't want to waste time talking to her, or reassuring her. He got dressed, picked up his wallet and car keys, and ran to the car. He didn't even bother to lock his front door. He called the hospital from the car. They had no news, except that she was in critical condition, in surgery, and they had no further idea how she was.

Matt drove as fast as he dared over the mountain, and then hit the gas once he got to the freeway. He nearly flew over the bridge, and threw the money at the woman in the tollbooth, and he was at Pip and Ophélie's house within twenty-four minutes of her call. He didn't waste time going in, only honked the horn, and she ran out wearing blue jeans and her ski parka, which she had found in the hall. She looked deathly pale and terrified.

“Are you okay?” he asked her, and she shook her head. But she was too frightened now even to cry. She looked like she was about to faint, and he prayed she wouldn't. He was praying far harder for her mother. And he didn't comment to Pip about the insanity of her mother being on the streets late at night with the outreach team. This was what he had feared, and predicted, all along. But there was no comfort now in having been right. He couldn't see how she would survive. And Pip couldn't either. Three bullets sounded like more than any one human could survive, although Matt knew some had.

They drove to the hospital in anguished silence, and he parked the car in one of the slots for emergency vehicles, and then he and Pip ran inside. Jeff, Bob, and Millie saw them as soon as they came through the door and knew instantly who they were, or at least the child. She looked just like her mother except for the red hair.

“Pip?” Bob approached her and patted her shoulder. “I'm Bob.”

“I know.” Pip recognized him from her mother's description, and the others. “Where's my mom?” she asked, looking nervous, but remarkably composed. Matt introduced himself to them with an angry frown. He couldn't blame them for what she'd been doing, she had chosen to do it, but he was angry anyway.

“They're taking the bullets out now,” Millie explained.

“How is she?” Matt asked, looking straight at Jeff, sensing that he was in charge.

“We don't know. They haven't told us a word since she came in.” They all stood there for what seemed like hours, and finally sat down.

Bob went to get coffee, and Millie held Pip's hand, as she clung to Matt's with her other one. They sat in silence, there was nothing anyone could say, to excuse, or explain, or comfort. None of them had much hope, including Pip, and no one wanted to lie to her. The likelihood of Ophélie surviving was slim to none.

“Did they catch the guy who shot her?” Matt finally asked.

“No, but we got a good make on him. If they've got mug shots on him, we'll get him. I ran after him, but I couldn't catch him, and I didn't want to just leave her,” Jeff explained, and Matt nodded. And even if they caught him, what difference would it make if she was dead? None to him, or Pip. Nothing was going to bring her back if she died. But at least she wasn't dead yet.

He went to the desk several times and asked them, but all they could tell him was that she was still in surgery. In the end, she was there for seven hours. But at the end of it, she was still alive.

Jeff had called the Center by then, and reporters had called the desk, but fortunately no one had shown up yet. And at nine-thirty in the morning a surgeon finally came out to talk to them. Matt was terrified of what he would say, and so was Pip. He hadn't let go of her hand since they'd arrived, and whatever he did, he did with the other hand. She had a death grip on him, and he on her.

“She's alive,” the surgeon said to reassure them. “We don't know what's going to happen yet. The first bullet went straight through her lung and out her back. The other one came out the back of her neck, and missed her spine. All things considered, she was pretty lucky, but she's not out of the woods yet. The third bullet took out an ovary and her appendix, and did some nasty damage to her stomach and her intestines. We've been working on that for the last four hours. She had four surgeons working on her. That's about as good as it gets around here.”

“Can we see her?” Pip piped up in a voice that was barely more than a croak. She hadn't said a word all night, and the surgeon shook his head.

“Not yet. She's in surgical ICU. But in a couple of hours, if her vitals are stable, you can come up. She's still unconscious from the anesthetic, but she should wake up in a few hours. She'll be pretty groggy, and we're going to keep her that way for now.”

“Is she going to die?” Pip asked, squeezing Matt's hand so tight it felt like a vise, and he held his breath as the surgeon answered.

“We hope not,” he said, looking straight at Pip. “She still could, she's very, very badly injured. But she survived the surgery and the trauma. She's pretty tough. And we're doing everything we can.”

“Damn right,” Bob said, praying that she would.

Pip sat down again then, and looked like a little wooden statue. She was not going anywhere, and neither were Matt and the others. They just sat there and waited, and at noon, a nurse said that they could go up to the ICU. It was a scary place, and the glass enclosure where Ophélie was, was filled with machines and monitors and lines running everywhere. Three people were monitoring her, and every inch of her seemed to be covered with needles and bandages and tubes. She looked deathly pale, and her eyes were closed as Matt and Pip walked into the room.

“I love you, Mommy,” she said, standing at the foot of the bed, next to Matt, and he did everything he could to fight back tears so Pip wouldn't see it. He knew he needed to be strong for her, but all he wanted to do was reach out and touch Ophélie, as though to will life into her. They seemed to be doing everything they could for her. And the whole time they stood there, she never moved. They were just about to leave, when the nurse told them their time was up. She could have visitors for only five minutes every hour, and there were tears rolling down Pip's cheeks. She was terrified she was going to lose her mother too. And Ophélie was all she had left. Her mother was the only family she had in the world. And as though sensing her distress, Ophélie opened her eyes and looked straight at her, and then at Matt. And as though to encourage them, she smiled, and then closed her eyes again.

“Mommy?” Pip spoke out in the tiny glass cubicle. “Can you hear me?” She nodded yes. The only thing that didn't hurt was her head. And there was an oxygen mask on her nose.

“I love you, Pip,” she whispered, and then looked at Matt. The look that passed between them said that she knew what he would have said. It was the last thing she thought of as she went down, that he had been right, and then everything went black. And now he was standing there, and she was afraid he was mad at her. She was glad he was with Pip, and wondered how that had happened. Pip must have called him. “Hi, Matt,” Ophélie said, and then closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep again. They were both crying when they left, but they were tears of relief as much as distress. She looked as though she might make it, but they both knew that was not yet sure.

“How is she?” the others asked as soon as they came back. They had been waiting anxiously in the ICU waiting room, and were worried sick when they saw Pip and Matt in tears. They were afraid she had died while they were in the room.

“She talked to us,” Pip said, and wiped her eyes.

“She did?” Bob looked shocked and thrilled. “What did she say?”

“That she loves me.” Pip looked pleased. But it was clear to all of them, even Pip, what a long, delicate treacherous haul it would be. She was by no means out of the woods.

The others went back to the Center that afternoon, but promised to come back that night, while they were on their route. They had to get home and get a few hours' sleep. And there was a meeting planned at the Center, to discuss the safety issues of the outreach team. This had been a shock for everyone. And Bob and Jeff had already said that from then on they were going to be carrying guns, since they all still had permits to do so, and Millie agreed. There was a major question now as to whether the outreach team was an appropriate placement for volunteers. It was obvious to everyone that it wasn't. But too late for Ophélie.

Matt stayed at the hospital with Pip all afternoon, and they saw Ophélie again twice. The first time she was sleeping, and the second she appeared to be in pain. And as soon as they left, they gave her morphine. He tried to talk Pip into going home for an hour then, to rest and clean up and get something to eat. And after they'd given her mother the shot to make her sleep, she finally agreed, although reluctantly. He went back to the house with her, and Mousse greeted them. And then Matt went to make scrambled eggs and toast for them. There were two messages on the machine from Pip's school, expressing their concern for her. Alice had apparently called them that morning before she left, and she had left a note on the kitchen table, telling Pip to call if she needed anything. And she had left another note saying she had come back to walk Mousse that afternoon.

Matt took him for a walk before they ate, and then he and Pip sat at the kitchen table, looking like shipwreck survivors. Pip was so exhausted she could hardly eat, and Matt couldn't eat either.

“Do you think we should go back yet?” she asked nervously. She didn't want anything to happen, good or bad, while she was gone, and she was like a cat on a hot stove, waiting for him to finish.

“How about a shower before we go back, for both of us?” he asked patiently. They both looked a mess. Not to mention the fact that they both needed sleep. They'd have to get some eventually, and he tried to talk Pip into a nap at least before they went back.

“I'm not tired,” she said valiantly, and he didn't push her. They agreed to shower and clean up, and then Pip wanted to go back to the hospital for the night. He didn't argue with her. He wanted to be there too. He drove her back, after he walked Mousse again, and they settled onto the couch together in the ICU waiting room.

The nurse told them that their friends had come by to check on Ophélie, but she'd been asleep, and she was again. When Matt checked she was still in critical condition. And as soon as Pip sat down on the couch in the waiting room, she fell sound asleep, and he was relieved. He sat watching her, wondering what would happen to her if Ophélie died. He couldn't bear to think of it, but it was a possibility. If they let him, he would bring Pip to live with him, or take an apartment in the city. His mind was whirling with ugly possibilities, when the nurse came to get him at two A.M. She looked serious, and Matt panicked the minute he saw her.

“Your wife wants to see you,” she said quietly, and he didn't correct her. He just set Pip's hand down gently and followed the nurse into the ICU. Ophélie was awake and she looked anxious to see him. She beckoned him to come close to her, and he was terrified she was having a premonition of worse to come, and as soon as he bent next to her, and touched her cheek gently, she started to talk to Matt in a whisper. It was obviously hard for her to breathe.

“I'm so sorry, Matt… you were right… I'm so sorry… will you take care of Pip?” It was what he had feared. She was afraid she was dying, and wanted him to make some arrangement for Pip. He knew she had very little family, except distant cousins in Paris. There was no one to take her but him.

“You know I will… Ophélie, I love you… don't go anywhere, sweetheart… stay here with us…we both need you… you have to get well …” He was pleading with her.

“I will,” she promised, and then drifted off to sleep as the nurse signaled to him to leave.