Seeds of Fear

OVEREATERS OMINOUS Stephen R. George

Agatha's mouth watered as the waitress wheeled up the dessert tray. A slice of Black Forest torte in the center of the spread caught her eye. Dark chocolate, rich cream, ripe cherries. She licked her lips.

"Get it out of your head," Nick said.

Agatha glared at him and blushed. Nick grinned up at the waitress, a slim, dark-haired girl, whose narrow face was made-up too heavily, just the way he liked it. He looked like he wanted to make love to her.

Agatha looked quickly away. Make love? Nick didn't make love anymore. At least, not to her. Sex between them had degenerated into a biweekly suck 'n' fuck. That's what Nick called it. Hey, Aggie, time for some suck 'n' fuck! They hadn't made love, real love, in years. They'd been married six, and the love had ended after two. After the miscarriage, after the depression, after the eating, after the weight. Love had turned into suck 'n' fuck.

"I'll have that one," Nick said, pointing to the torte.

The waitress picked up the plate with fingers tipped in long, pink, press-on nails, and slid it in front of Nick, then turned to Agatha with a questioning look.

"Does she look like she needs anything?" Nick said. "I don't think so."

The waitress smiled nervously. Agatha could not speak. She couldn't even breathe. Her flush intensified. She felt as if her face were on fire.

"You give her something off that tray, she'll never get out of her chair, right, Aggie?"

Agatha shook her head slowly, mortified, trying to avoid the waitress's eyes. What was the girl waiting for? Why didn't she leave? Agatha turned away and saw in horror that diners at neighboring tables had turned to look. Nick's voice was loud and carried well. A middle-aged woman to Agatha's left smiled at her and shook her head, then leaned toward the man beside her and whispered something. The man, who looked so much like Agatha's father it hurt, smiled, nodded. Nearby, two slim, attractive women, both spooning luxurious-looking desserts into their mouths, looked over at Agatha with frowns.

"Are you sure?" the waitress said to Agatha.

"Doesn't she look sure?" Nick said. "She eats anything else, she won't even fit in the damned car."

Now the waitress chuckled. Agatha found her voice.

"I'll just have coffee, please."

"And make it black," Nick said. "She's sweet enough as it is. Isn't that right, honey?"

"Black is fine."

Nick forked a piece of torte into his mouth. Cream and cherry sauce caught at the corners of his lips. The tip of his tongue darted out to catch the stray cream. Agatha's mouth watered.

"What's wrong with you?" he said, swallowing.

"You humiliated me."

"Look at you. I can't humiliate you any more than you humiliate yourself."

"I want to go home."

"I'm not finished with my dessert, or my coffee."

"Everybody is staring at me. I want to go. Please, Nick."

"Staring at you?" He raised his voice, as if astonished, and looked around. "What the hell would anybody stare at? You're not all that much bigger than a bus."

Agatha lowered her face, fighting back tears. Nick sighed. He pushed away the remains of the torte. Half of it was still on the plate. He nudged it towards her.

"Go on, eat it."

"I don't want it."

"One more pound isn't going to make a difference, is it?"

Agatha lifted her face and glared at the torte. She could not help herself. Don't touch it, she said to herself. Don't demean yourself. Please, God, don't humiliate yourself further.

"I know you want it. What's stopping you?"

"Nick, don't."

"Jesus Christ. Take it!"

Heads turned again. Agatha's world shrank to the size of the plate in front of her.

"I hate you," she said softly, and did not know if she meant Nick or the torte.

"How many calories does hate burn?" Nick sneered.

"Don't, Nick."

"There should be a law. A guy should get to see what his wife is going to look like after six years. Save a lot of grief that way. I have to whiz. I'll be back in a minute. If you're going to eat that thing, do it while I'm gone. Watching you shovel it down would make me sick."

Nick stood and walked away. Agatha lowered her head, stared at the table, blushing so hard, it felt as if her skin were peeling. Everybody in the restaurant was staring at her. She could feel it.

"How are you doing?"

Agatha looked up, startled. One of the two slim, beautiful women who had been looking at her earlier was standing by the table. Her long blond hair was impeccably styled, hanging to her shoulders like a waterfall of gold. Her makeup, too, was perfect. Full lips, wide eyes, high cheekbones. Agatha felt gigantic, slothful.

"Pardon me?"

"Your husband was a bit of a brute."

Agatha blushed, tried to smile as if it had meant nothing.

"May I sit for a moment?"

Agatha wanted to say no, to make the woman leave, but something about her manner, the tone of her voice, breached her defenses and she nodded.

"Your name is Agatha? My name is Helen. Agatha, I'd like to give you something."

From her purse she removed an envelope and handed it to Agatha. Agatha took the envelope, looked up at Helen's eyes.

"What is it?"

"Open it."

Frowning, Agatha slipped her finger under the lip of the envelope and pulled it open. Inside she found a photograph. She took it out and looked at it. It was of a very large woman, larger even than Agatha herself, sitting on a sofa, smoking, arms bulging like gigantic sausages, neck a pale roll of fat, cheeks hanging in jowls. Something about the eyes was familiar.

"That's you," Agatha said in a small voice.

"Yes."

Agatha looked up at Helen. There could be no doubt that the person in the photograph was the person beside her. The eyes were identical. And yet, it couldn't be the same person.

"That was six months ago."

"No."

"Yes, Agatha."

Agatha's heart pounded. When Helen put her long-nailed hand on her arm, Agatha jumped, looked up into her eyes.

"The same thing can happen for you, if you want."

"How?"

Helen handed her a business card. On it was an address on Fourth Street South. One word. OVEREATERS.

"Diets don't work for me."

"This one will. Guaranteed, permanent results. Permanent. No cost to you unless it does."

Agatha shook her head.

"You want to lose the weight, don't you, Agatha?"

"Yes."

"Think of how you'll look. Think of how your husband will react. Think of what other men will think."

Other men.

"Tomorrow evening, seven o'clock. We can help you."

Agatha could only nod, mouth locked shut.

Helen stood. "See you tomorrow, then."

As she walked away she winked at Agatha and smiled warmly. Agatha felt a flutter in her stomach and looked down at her hands.

Nick came back, adjusting his belt.

"Guess you didn't want this," he said, pulling the torte towards him. "Too bad. It's delicious."

There were six women in the meeting room on the third floor, sitting in a circle around a glass table. On the table was a lump of what looked like fat. The women were staring at it, concentrating. Positive thinking, Agatha thought. They're making themselves hate the fat. The women, each and every one, were strikingly slim and beautiful. Agatha's legs felt weak as she came through the door. A mistake, she thought. A big, big mistake.

Worse than the women in the room were the pictures on the walls. Huge pictures, poster-sized, of gigantic, obese women. Bulges and rippling flesh filled every open space, eyes squeezed to slits by pockets of fat, ankles flowing like melted butter over sensible, ugly shoes, chins falling in cascades like fleshy neck laces.

Helen left the circle and came to the door. She took Agatha's hand.

"I'm so glad you could come," Helen said.

"I feel so… out of place."

"You won't for long. I promise you that."

Helen led Agatha down a narrow hallway to a small office. In the office, Helen sat behind the desk. Agatha took the seat by the door. Helen put her hands under her chin and studied Agatha speculatively.

"This is always the hardest part," she said.

Agatha smiled nervously.

"How badly do you want to lose weight?"

"I do want to, but I haven't had much luck."

"We don't depend on luck here, Agatha. Our program works. It has never failed."

Agatha stared at her. "Those pictures on the walls in the other room…"

"Us. Yes. Before the program."

Agatha shook her head.

"Do you want the same thing, Agatha?"

"Yes."

"What will you give for it?"

"Give?"

"Everything has a price, Agatha."

"What do you want?"

"Nick."

"Nick?"

"He's not much of a husband, is he?"

"He's my husband."

"When was the last time the two of you made love?"

Agatha started to answer, then closed her mouth. Their last suck 'n' fuck had been two weeks ago. They were due for another tonight. Nick had a biological clock that never failed. Two weeks, suck 'n' fuck. Two weeks, suck 'n' fuck. Exceptions made for his birthday, and their anniversary. Suck 'n' fuck bonuses, he called them. Two weeks.

"You deserve better," Helen said, as if Agatha's thoughts were obvious.

"You want him?"

"We need him. So do you."

"I don't understand."

"I'm asking you to give up Nick. That's all."

"What if Nick doesn't want to be given up?"

"I'm not asking Nick. I'm asking you."

Agatha thought of the pictures in the other room. She thought of the women sitting in the circle. God, to be one of them.

"Last night, you said you hated him," Helen said. "I heard you, Agatha. Did you mean it?"

Hate him? Her husband? Suck 'n' fuck Nick Galas? The man who humiliated her every chance he got? The man whose eyes judged and condemned her every night, every morning, every hour? The man who made her wish that she had never been born?

"Yes," she said softly.

"All right. Will you give him up?"

"Yes."

"I'm glad. I knew we could help you."

"What do I have to do?"

"Something very easy. Something you like to do. Just eat."

"Eat?"

"Whatever you want. In whatever quantity you want. No restrictions. There's only one requirement. One mandatory meal. Something for you and Nick to share."

Helen opened her desk and pulled out a sheet of paper. On it was a photocopied recipe. Two additional ingredients had been penciled in.

"Oh, God," Agatha said as she read the recipe.

"Our program works, Agatha. Guaranteed."

Agatha could not speak. She crumpled the recipe and shoved it into her purse.

"We have another meeting next week. Will you be here?"

Agatha could not find her voice. Her stomach rolled and contracted. With a hand over her mouth she stood and fled the office.

Agatha was in the kitchen with a glass of wine when Nick got home. It was after 9:00 P.M. Late at the office, he said, but he stank of cigarette smoke and perfume. Agatha's stomach knotted. She tried to smile.

Nick went to the liquor cabinet and poured himself three fingers of Johnny Walker Red Label. He drank half of it in one swallow, and eyed her contemptuously. He took a deep breath.

"Suck 'n' fuck night," he said, as if he found the thought distasteful.

"I'm having my period."

"So what? Use your mouth." He finished his scotch. "I'll be in the bedroom."

He left her alone in the kitchen. She could hear him in the bedroom, whistling as he undressed. Tonight she'd do all the sucking. He avoided her vagina when she was having her period. He said the smell made him sick. Still, he wouldn't let that interrupt his schedule. Two weeks, suck 'n' fuck. Clockwork, baby.

She finished her wine. The alcohol made her throat contract. Her tongue felt thick. She wiped her mouth.

Standing at the mirror in the hallway, she applied lipstick. A lot of it. Ripe Plum, the label said. Dark and rich, the way Suck 'n' Fuck Nick Galas liked it.

He was lying on the bed, naked. His penis lay across his left thigh, a soft, thick rolling pin. He was the only man she had ever had, but she knew from pictures in magazines that he was well endowed.

She sat on the end of the bed and leaned over him. His eyes were closed. He never looked at her when they had sex, and she had long ago stopped wondering whom he was thinking about.

"Ease it in, baby," he said hoarsely. "Let me feel that tongue. Now, tighter. Yeah."

She worked him the way he liked it, the way he had taught her. His flesh thickened in her mouth, flattening her tongue. He slid to the back of her throat, crushing her uvula. She did not gag. He had taught her how to control the reflex. She made the motions of swallowing and his legs kicked beneath her.

"Yeah," he said. "Slowly, baby."

He tasted funny tonight. It took her a minute to figure out what it was. His skin had the sour, salty taste of vaginal secretion. He'd been with another woman.

She closed her eyes, fought back tears. It hurt. It still hurt. She made the tears stay inside. She'd given him up. He wasn't hers anymore.

When he climaxed, he withdrew so that only the smooth, throbbing head of his penis was in her mouth. His semen exploded across her tongue, around her teeth. She pushed it to the pockets of her cheeks, sucked until he was finished.

He groaned, pulled away, laughed softly.

"Better not swallow, baby," he said without looking at her. "Old Nicky's come is loaded with calories."

Before she was off the bed, he had rolled over and was settling himself comfortably. She went back to the kitchen, took a bowl from the cupboard, and spat his semen into it. The viscous expulsion, mixed with her saliva, pooled at the center of the bowl. She stared at it and shook her head.

Her mouth still tasted of another woman's sex. Even through Nick's semen.

He's not yours, she told herself. You gave him up. And the longer she waited, the harder this was going to get.

She squatted and pulled down her panties. The pantyliner was thick with menstrual blood, some of it coagulated into strings of glistening mucous, so dark it was almost black. She unfastened the liner and put it on the counter by the bowl.

"I hate you, Nick," she said.

With a spoon, she wiped off some of her blood and dipped it into the bowl. Blood and semen coiled in a whirlpool of white and red. The smell was acrid enough to make her nose wrinkle.

From her purse she retrieved the recipe Helen had given her. Blueberry muffins. The kind of thing that Nick liked for breakfast. The blueberries would cover the taste of the two extra ingredients. And finding small, gelatinous lumps in blueberry muffins was natural.

Nick would never know.

Two days later, Agatha woke before the alarm buzzed. She inhaled deeply, feeling rested, energized. Nick slept on beside her, breathing deeply. He had come home late again last night, smelling of the same cigarettes, the same perfume.

He's not yours. It doesn't matter.

She got out of bed and went to the bathroom. After she washed her face, she stepped onto the scale. She stared down at the numbers and rubbed her eyes. She stepped off and stepped back on again. The pointer rested at 190 pounds.

No, that can't be, she thought. Not yet.

Yesterday morning she'd topped out at 210 pounds.

She stepped off and checked to make sure the pointer rested at zero. It did. She stepped back on: 190. Her heart raced.

She laughed softly and went back through to the bedroom. Nick was up, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What are you smiling at?"

"I went down. I lost weight.

He looked at her, eyed her from head to foot, snorted. "Not so's you'd notice," he said.

He started to get dressed. When he pulled up his jeans, he swore. Agatha, sitting at the dresser, watched him. He pulled hard to get the top closed. His belly bulged over his belt.

"Fucking jeans have shrunk," he said, turning to her. "Look at this."

He kicked off the jeans and took another pair of pants from the closet. These, too, would not close properly.

"Shit," he said, and would not look at her.

His belly bulged like a white balloon full of water. He held it in both hands and looked down at it. It jiggled.

"Son of a bitch," he said. "I feel bloated. Do I look bloated to you?"

Agatha stared at his reflection in the mirror. She did not dare speak. She felt cold.

"Better stop making those damned muffins," he said. "I'm going to end up looking like you."

"All right," she said.

When, at last, he left the room, she looked at herself.

He's not yours, she told herself. It doesn't matter.

Slowly she began to put on some makeup.

"You are Nicholas's wife?" Dr. Binder eyed her with appreciative astonishment.

"Yes," Agatha said.

She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the glass door. She still had not grown accustomed to her new appearance. It all seemed like a dream. She had never looked this good in her life. Had never dreamed she could look this good.

"I'm afraid it's very bad news," he said.

He was young, slim, healthy. He was standing much closer to her than he should have been. She held his arm for support. Even her hand, long fingers tipped with red nails, did not look like her own. He guided her to a chair and sat her down. His office walls were bare but for his diplomas.

"Nicholas is suffering from an acute buildup of fatty deposits. It's an uncommon condition, but not unheard-of. It happens only to men, usually in their late thirties. I've done a little research. There have been only a couple of thousand recorded cases like Nicholas in the past twenty years."

"Is he going to get better?"

"At this stage, I can't say. This is not a well-known condition. It can be fatal. I'm not saying it will be in your husband's case, but I wanted to let you know."

"He was fine three weeks ago."

"What do you mean by fine?"

"Normal. He weighed about one eighty, I think. He always said that. That's what he weighed when we got married."

Dr. Binder almost laughed. "I think he was pulling your leg. He can't have weighed only a hundred eighty pounds just three weeks ago. That would mean he gained nearly two hundred pounds since then, and that's just not possible. His heart couldn't take a catastrophic change like that."

Agatha frowned but said nothing. She looked down at her hands.

"Can I see him?"

Binder frowned. "I should warn you. We performed emergency liposuction on his throat last night because he was having trouble breathing. He may look a bit. well, I just wanted to warn you."

Binder led her down the hallway to Nick's room, then left her there. Nick lay on his back in the bed, covered by a blue sheet. His throat was swaddled in white bandages. His arms were on top of the sheet. The skin of his arms was shiny, taut, bulging. He seemed to have turned yellow in the past day or two. His breathing was slow, labored.

She went to the side of the bed. His nose wrinkled. He opened his eyes.

"Aggie."

She touched his hand. He felt hot and slippery. When she took her fingers away, they left an indentation in his skin that slowly filled again.

"The doctor says you're going to be okay."

"You're lying. He already told me."

"I'm sorry, Nick."

"No you're not. You did this to me."

"Don't be silly."

"How much weight have you lost? A hundred pounds? In three weeks? For every pound you lost, I put on two. Bitch."

He lifted his hand, as if to reach for her, and she stepped back. His hand hit the rail at the side of the bed. The impact split his skin, a thin fissure from between his pinky and ring finger to his wrist. He cried out as if he'd been burned, and yellow fluid spurted out of the cut, thick and sluggish. It slid down the side of the bed in lumps.

When Aggie turned around, Dr. Binder was there. She leaned into him.

"It's awful!"

Two nurses came in behind the doctor and went immediately to Nick. Binder led Aggie out of the room.

"I'm sorry," he said, holding her close, supporting her. "If there's anything I can do, you'll let me know?"

His face was close to hers. The look in his eyes was not just sympathetic. There was something else there, barely hidden below the surface. My God, was that desire? He wanted to kiss her! Wanted to do more than kiss her. A lot more.

"I'll try to come by later to see Nick."

"Have a nurse call me when you're here. We'll see to it that Nick's kept comfortable."

"Thank you for your help."

"It's the least I can do," he said.

His hand lingered on her arm. She did not look back at him as she walked away.

"Everything has a price," Helen said carefully, looking at Agatha across the desk.

"He's going to die," Agatha said. "He's gained over two hundred pounds in three weeks. His heart can't take it. He can't breathe."

"You gave him up willingly, Agatha. You gave him to us."

"I didn't know what you were going to do to him."

"We helped you, that's all. Haven't we been successful?"

"But Nick… I know you're responsible."

"So you know. Are you happy?"

Agatha hesitated only a moment before answering. "Yes."

"I promised you that you would be. Now, take a month or two to enjoy yourself. Enjoy your new body. Take three months. You won't have to provide a man until September."

Agatha felt suddenly cold. "I don't understand, Helen."

"Everything balances, Agatha. What you lose, somebody else must gain."

Agatha stared at the other woman. "I won't bring anybody else."

"That's your choice. I felt the same way. Let me show you something."

Helen reached into the desk and pulled out a photograph. She handed it to Agatha. Agatha held it gingerly, studying it with dismay. It was Helen. Helen corpulent, bulging.

"I've seen this already."

"No, you haven't. This is the after shot. After I learned how I lost the weight the first time. Four months after, to be exact. I'd been married a month. My new love. I couldn't give him up."

Agatha stared at the photograph, horrified more by Helen's words than by the image. "It all came back," she said.

"And more. Pretty soon he didn't want me. In the end, I gave him up. What choice did I have?"

"Oh, God."

"Everything has a price, Agatha. We all pay it. Twice a year. It isn't much to ask. One man does the group for nearly a month. That gives you at least six months between. Sometimes even as long as a year. It can seem like a long time. A lifetime."

Agatha covered her face with a hand. "It's horrible."

"What's horrible is the way Nick treated you. That wasn't so long ago. Do you want to go back to that?"

"No."

"We all pay the price," Helen said, leaning close. "Look at yourself, Agatha. You're a new person."

Agatha left the office with Helen, followed her outside. A car was waiting.

"There's only one other thing we ask," Helen said. "That you bring us some interesting recipes. Something simple, something that will camouflage the required ingredients. All right?"

Agatha nodded, numb.

"You won't have trouble finding men, will you?" Helen said.

Agatha didn't answer.

Helen slid into the car. The man driving was named David. Helen had met him only a week ago, she'd said. Sweat glistened on his forehead. His fingers were plump worms. She kissed his cheek. David looked up at Agatha, smiled weakly. As the car pulled away, Helen waved.

Agatha thought of Dr. Binder. The way he had looked at her.

No, she wouldn't have trouble finding men.