Song of the Fireflies

Chapter Nineteen

Elias

I remembered taking a piss. I vaguely remembered cutting the end of my pinky toe on the way back to the bonfire on a jagged rock that had been hidden underneath the sand. I remembered sitting down next to Bray, drinking my gin and Sprite, laughing and carrying on with her and everyone else.

But sometime during that—I can’t recall when because time itself seemed to shift abruptly—everything changed. Bray was lying on the sand next to me, looking up at the stars, laughing and pointing and talking about how colorful they were and then—

I was standing by the ocean. I didn’t know how I had gotten there. I looked behind me. The bonfire had been reduced to a dim orange glow, barely holding on to the oxygen it needed to keep from burning completely out. And then—

I was sitting on a rock. The ocean water was pushing against it two inches away from my feet. It gurgled and spit and told me to move. I looked down. The water was black. I looked over, back toward the bonfire again. It had completely faded, and only a thin coil of smoke rose above the branches. I stared at my hands in front of my face and I could see every line like on a map. I ran the tip of my finger over each one: every road, every river, every shortcut. I could hear my heart beating in my ears like a bass drum, constant and unrelenting. I could taste grains of sand between my teeth and trapped in my gums and in the creases of my lips. I thought it was glass and I panicked. But then I was calm when the glass dissolved in my mouth.

I was alone. Bray was gone. Everyone was gone. It was just me sitting there on the rock. I heard music. “Night is the Notion” by Dax Riggs blasted through the speakers. I heard someone else singing along with it, but I couldn’t see anyone. I was completely alone.

Time seemed to skip backward, then—

“Holy fuck, Tate,” I heard Jen’s voice say, but I couldn’t see her anywhere. “This is some good shit. Ho-ly fuck. I’m seeing rainbows and shit. It’s the Reading Fucking Rainbow.…” She began to sing the Reading Rainbow song.

And then I woke up. It was the next morning.

I sat there on the sand for a long time, trying to pull my head together. I don’t remember doing anything last night except gin and weed. But I was definitely on something.

And I was pissed.

My attention was diverted when I saw Bray walk quickly across the sand and kneel down next to the blonde, Camryn, trying to comfort her as she vomited violently.

“Get off of him!” Jen screamed at the top of her lungs

Andrew was fighting Tate, walloping on him with his fists.

“Andrew!” Camryn tried to scream, but it came out raspy and painful. She was clearly in a bad physical state. She couldn’t even stand on her own.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, man?!” Tate roared.

He was trying to back away from Andrew, but Andrew just kept swinging. He punched him over and over, eventually knocking Tate in the sand.

Caleb tackled Andrew from the side and they both rolled across the sand away from Tate. Andrew grabbed Caleb by the throat and lifted him over his body, throwing him hard against the sand and was on top of him in seconds. He punched Caleb three times before Tate was behind him, pulling him off.

“Chill the fuck out, man!” Tate shouted, trying to defuse the situation. But Andrew rounded on Tate and caught him in the chin with an uppercut. Tate staggered backward, holding his hand over his jaw.

I knew Tate wasn’t going to take much more. Rage had begun to churn in his eyes.

“You drugged us! I’ll fucking kill you!” Andrew roared.

From the corner of my eye I saw Camryn stumble to her feet and start running toward the fight, and before I could do anything, Caleb barreled straight toward Andrew again and knocked Camryn down as she came between them.

I ran out after them.

Andrew couldn’t hold his own against both Tate and Caleb at the same time for long. I remembered hearing Jen say the night before that Tate had the drugs, and so I did the only thing I knew to be right. I jumped into the fight to help Andrew, despite Tate being our so-called friend.

“Move!” I growled as I pushed Camryn out of the way, both to keep her from getting hurt further and so that I could get in there. Tate had it coming. He shouldn’t have drugged us.

“Stay back here with me,” I heard Bray say as she dragged Camryn the rest of the way to the side.

I punched Caleb first.

The four of us fought hard, exchanging blows so fast I almost couldn’t tell who was hitting who. But I ended up fighting Caleb more. Andrew focused on Tate. By the time the fight was over, all of us were bleeding from the mouth or the nose. My jaw felt like it had been beaten on with a hammer.

“Just back off of him!” Tate said to Caleb, grabbing him from behind by both arms and securing him there. Caleb was going to come after me again. Tate was just ready to end this.

I did the right thing, I thought, but I had also sided with the people who weren’t helping Bray and I get around. I knew that after this, she and I were screwed. Unless Andrew and Camryn decided to become our new ride, Bray and I were going to be right back in the situation we were in before we met Tate and everyone at that hotel.

But something deep down told me that Andrew and Camryn weren’t going to be as accommodating.

Andrew had murder in his eyes. Even when he looked at me. I couldn’t blame him. If I were in his shoes—I was in his shoes. I walked behind him over to Bray, who was helping Camryn as she lay next to a stinking puddle of vomit being soaked up into the sand.

“Shit,” Andrew said, looking at Bray. “Will you run to my car and get a bottle of water out of the ice chest in the back?”

Bray nodded quickly, stood up, and ran off to do it.

Andrew rolled Camryn over onto his legs and he brushed her hair away from her face.

“They fucking drugged us, baby,” he said.

“I’m going to kill that bitch. I swear to God, Andrew,” Camryn said.

They started talking about something entirely different than the drugs or the fight, I assumed. Something about one of the girls. I had no idea, but it wasn’t about Bray, and that was all that mattered to me.

I stepped up closer and crouched down next to Andrew. “I’m sorry, man, we didn’t know. I swear,” I said.

“I believe you,” Andrew said.

Bray scurried back with the water, and Andrew reached out for the bottle. He twisted off the cap and poured some in his hand first, wiping Camryn’s forehead and mouth.

“Look man, I’m sorry,” Tate said, coming up behind us. “Didn’t think you’d mind. We just dropped some in everybody’s drinks. We didn’t bring you out here with any fucked-up intentions.”

Andrew released Camryn carefully, whirled around, and punched Tate again.

“Please, Andrew!” Camryn shouted.

I grabbed Andrew and Caleb grabbed Tate and we held them off of each other.

Finally, Andrew relented and shook me off. He helped Camryn to her feet. “Let’s go,” he said.

They grabbed their guitar and blanket and headed straight for their car.

“Come on, Bray,” I said, taking her hand. “If we have to, we’ll walk.”

She locked her fingers with mine and we set out in the same direction. I grabbed my shirt from the sand, and Bray grabbed her flip-flops as we walked toward them. Andrew was putting their stuff in the trunk as we approached. He went over to his side of the car, laid his arms across the roof and then dropped his head in between them.

“God damn it!” he shouted and hit the roof with his fist.

Camryn, probably wanting him to cool off before she said anything, got inside the car and shut the door.

“I’ll give you two a ride back if you want,” Andrew said just before we walked past.

Bray and I discussed it with our eyes and got inside the car.

“Thanks,” I said from the backseat, but I don’t think either of them heard me.

Bray sat with her head on my shoulder the rest of the way back, but I got the feeling maybe she was mad at me. She didn’t say a word.

Andrew dropped us off at the hotel, and that was the last time we ever saw them.

We were alone again. No car, no money, no nothing.

Bray sat down on a bright yellow concrete parking space barrier, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. I sat down beside her.

“What Tate did was wrong, Bray. I had to jump in.”

“Tate didn’t do it!” she shouted, lifting her head from her hands.

“What do you mean?”

She took a deep breath and laced her fingers together, dangling between her knees. She gazed out at the half-empty parking lot.

“Tate had nothing to do with it,” she said. “Caleb did it. Tate was too busy with Jen to even notice what Caleb had done.”

“Wait—how do you know this?” What I really wanted to ask was, You knew about this? But I was too busy trying to make myself believe that couldn’t possibly be the truth.

Bray wouldn’t look at me. “I saw Caleb do it,” she said, even though I could tell she didn’t want to. “He walked around dropping something in everyone’s drinks.”

I stood up. It took me a long moment, but I finally said, “How could you know this and not tell anyone?” I was extremely pissed off, I felt so betrayed, but I was doing whatever I could to hold it all inside. As much as I loved her, I wanted to walk away from her right then. I began to pace.

“I know I fucked up, Elias. I know and I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight—”

“Yah think?!” My head reared back and my hands dropped at my sides. “Bray, you should’ve told me! Jesus Christ!” I threw my hands up above me. “I went to jail once because of this very same thing! Or did you forget about that?”

She started crying, burying her face in her hands. I wasn’t about to console her, not this time. This was almost unforgivable.

“I can’t take back what I did,” she said, her voice strained by tears. “And I can’t make you believe me when I tell you I didn’t say anything because it didn’t seem like a big deal. I was fried. I’d drunk a lot. I. Fucked. Up.” She stood up from the concrete barrier and threw her hands up in the air. “I made a bad decision! It definitely wasn’t my first, and you know it won’t be my last!”

“You’re right,” I interrupted. “It wasn’t your first. Two weeks ago you accidently caused a girl’s death. And you didn’t want to report it. That was one of the biggest mistakes you ever made in your life.”

She stood with her mouth agape.

“It was your idea!” she shrieked. “You had just as much to do with me running as I did! Don’t you dare put this all on my shoulders!”

She shoved the palms of her hands against my chest, but not with enough strength to knock me over. “God damn it, Elias!”

I grabbed her by the elbows. “Stop screaming!” I screamed back at her. I shook her and then my voice calmed and I said with more composure, “Just calm down. You’re right. I’m as much to blame. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

She let out a long, unsteady breath and then she dropped her head between her shoulders.

“What are we going to do now?” she said, her voice strained with worry

I pulled her body against mine and wrapped her in my arms. “There’s nothing else we can do except go home.”

“But I’m scared,” she said, the side of her face pressed against my chest muscles. “I’m so scared…”

“I know,” I whispered and squeezed her gently. “But we can’t keep doing this, especially with nothing but the clothes on our backs. We can go back now. Maybe it’s not too late.”

On the outside, it appeared I was only thinking of our current situation. But on the inside, where Bray couldn’t hear, I was thinking a lot about getting her some help. Every day the decisions she chose to make were becoming more irrational. I knew that I couldn’t help her on my own, that as much as I wanted to be able to, that even as deeply as I loved her, it would never be enough to save her from herself. Something dark began to grow inside of me, a frightening feeling that I couldn’t quite read but I knew was very tragic.

Just then, Tate’s black Jeep came humming through the parking lot toward us. Bray pulled away from me and stood at my side, her hand clenched tight within mine. I wasn’t up for any more fighting, and I was prepared to surrender and let Tate and Caleb know that.

Tate put the Jeep in Park and hopped out, leaving the motor running.

“Look, Tate,” I said, putting up one hand, “I’m not going to fight you anymore. I did what I had to do back there and I’m not apologizing for it, either, but I’m done fighting.”

Tate shook his head and laughed gently. “I’m not here to fight you, man,” he said. “I came to pick the two of you up. Though I gotta admit, I thought you’d be long gone with the tattoo twins by now.”

Bray and I glanced at one another. I was confused.

“No hard feelings,” Tate said. “You were in the right, and I admit it. We shouldn’t have done that without you knowing about it. If it was me, shit, man, I would’ve went off on you too.”

“But it wasn’t you,” I pointed out and then looked toward Caleb sitting in the backseat. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Tate pretended to not understand. His smile transformed into something a bit more apprehensive. He forced a laugh. “What are you taking about?”

I put my back to the Jeep and lowered my voice. “Why did you take the blame for what Caleb did?”

Tate gave up trying to cover for him, sighed, and glanced back at Caleb once. Then he looked back at me.

“Because he’s my brother,” he said. “Caleb has some issues. He’s on parole for some shit that went down back in Miami with a girl. If he gets into any more trouble, he’ll go to jail for a long time. I’m just looking out for my little brother.”

He reached out and patted my shoulder and then lit up a cigarette. “I’ll talk to him,” he added. He put the cigarette between his lips and took a long pull. “It’s about time he and I had a brotherly heart-to-heart anyway. He’s starting to fuck up a lot again.”

I shook my head, resolved to take Bray and go back to Georgia now that I finally got her to somewhat entertain the idea. I looked at her. She looked at me. And then I said to Tate, “Look, I appreciate it, you coming back for us like that, but I think it’s better that we go home.” Bray’s hand tightened around mine and at first I took it as her way of quietly agreeing with me, standing beside my decision, but that wasn’t it at all. She caught my eye and I saw in hers nothing but pleading and refusal.

I tried to ignore it.

“Besides,” I said to Tate, “your brother is unstable. I don’t feel like I can trust him anymore.”

I never trusted him really to begin with, but after what he did last night, what little trust I did have was gone. I now realized that in this particular situation, Bray was almost no better than Caleb. She knew what he had done and didn’t tell anyone, just like Caleb. But I made up excuses for her: She wasn’t on parole. She wasn’t the one who dropped the drugs into everyone’s drinks. She—who was I kidding? Bray was just as much at fault. The only difference was that I loved her.

“Caleb won’t be a problem,” Tate said, trying to change my mind. “Like I said, I’ll talk to him. Shit, I’ve already had it out with him on the way here about what went down. He may be ‘unstable’ and a prick at times, but he always listens to me. And he knows I’ll kick his ass if I have to.”

“Elias?” Bray said softly. “Let’s just go with them. Please.”

I knew it had nothing to do with any of them but everything to do with being afraid to go back home and face what happened. I was going to refuse. I had it settled in my mind that Bray and I were going back to Georgia. Nothing that Tate could say or promise was going to change that.

But then I saw something flicker across Bray’s features just as she let go of my hand and took a half step back. She wasn’t going to go back with me. I knew by that look on her face, that pleading, solemn darkness that had consumed her—if I chose to go back, she would stay with them. I wouldn’t be able to force her. I knew she wouldn’t have wanted to leave me and that it would take everything in her to do it, but there was no way she was going back.

All I wanted to do was protect her.

I had already made up my mind by then to stay, but I wanted to know some things about Tate first, before I openly agreed.

“Why do you care where we go, anyway?” I asked.

Tate smiled and blew out a stream of smoke. “We just like having you around.” He started gesturing with his cigarette hand. “I have to go back to work in a week. I had almost a full month of vacation time racked up at my job. If I didn’t use it I was gonna lose it. So that’s what I’m doing. And hell, it’s been great. I’m getting paid to hop around Florida and party.”

I never took him for the hard-working type, much less being such a hard worker that he had that much vacation time he had never used. This actually kind of blew my mind. And I felt very small all of a sudden. Here I was, jobless, homeless, standing in a parking lot with nowhere to go and no way to get there. I had worked all my life, from the age of sixteen. I helped my mom out with bills and groceries just about every month. Now, I felt as much a lowlife as that piece of shit who stole my car.

Tate went on, “Damn, man, I thought it was just going to be me, Jen, and my brother. Now, with Ditzy Dope-for-Brains and Grace the Powerpuff Girl back there, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my shit. As if Jen beating the shit out of me at least once a week and Caleb fuckin’ up wasn’t enough. You two are a breath of fresh air.”

“She beats the shit out of you?” Bray asked with an air of serious disbelief.

Tate threw his head back and laughed. Then he flicked what was left of the cigarette across the parking lot. “Well, I let her, of course. I like it, she likes it but pretends she doesn’t. It all works out.” He shrugged and added, “So what do you say? Go back home or stay with us for just one more week and help keep me sane before I have to crawl back into that nut-suffocating suit?” He cocked his head to one side thoughtfully.

“You work in a suit?” Bray asked, her eyebrows drawing inward.

I admit, I was just as astonished by the possibility as she appeared to be.

Tate smiled with teeth. “Yeah. Unfortunately.”

Jen slid the window down on the Jeep and yelled, “Baby, come on! Your gas light just dinged!”

Tate looked back at us with what I thought he meant as being puppy-dog eyes, but he looked more confident and impish than innocent.

I thought about it for a moment. Bray looked like she was holding her breath the whole time.

“All right,” I said, and both of their faces lit up. “But seriously, man, talk to Caleb. I know you’re his brother and all, but if he fucks up like that again, and Bray or I are involved, I won’t come to you for permission to beat the fuck out of him.”

Tate nodded. “It’s a deal.”

We shook on it and were on our way to Panama City.