Storm Haven

CHAPTER NINE

THE days that followed were endless. Somehow Nikki managed to study but afterwards she never knew how. It was a defence mechanism, she thought dully. Immersed in her texts, telling herself they were important, somehow she could block out Luke’s presence in the house.

Not that he was there often. He worked longer hours than he needed to, and Nikki suspected that many house calls were simply an excuse to be away from Whispering Palms. Away from her…

‘I don’t know what’s eating the man,’ Beattie puzzled one day as they ate yet another dinner without him. ‘He was so darned cheerful when he came-like a breath of fresh air through the place-and now…’

‘He’s like a bear with a sore head,’ Amy announced. ‘Isn’t he, Karen?’

Karen nodded solemnly and then carefully replaced her knife and fork on the plate. ‘Mummy says she’d like me to come home on Saturday,’ she announced. ‘She says…she says the house is ready. She says it’s really pretty and we’ve got a nice garden I can help look after and…’

‘What else will she let you help with?’ Beattie said darkly and Karen flushed, hearing the implied criticism.

‘I like gardening,’ she said in a small voice. ‘I want to grow carrots. And…and flowers. And Mummy says I can…’

‘I’ll drop in tomorrow and see your new house,’ Nikki intervened, sending her housekeeper a dark look. ‘And if your mum’s really ready, then I don’t see any reason why you can’t go home.’

It was yet another way of blocking her thoughts from Luke-and no way was entirely successful. After lunch the next day Nikki walked around the river to Sandra’s new home. It was quite a distance and by the time she arrived Nikki was regretting her impulse to leave the car at home. Especially as she rounded the corner and saw her own second vehicle parked outside. Luke…

Oh, no! She stood irresolute in the sun as she tried to decide what to do. The last thing she wanted was to walk in on Luke…

Then the door opened and Sandra saw her. Before she could move, Sandra lifted an arm and waved. ‘Dr Russell. Hi! Come and see.’

So there was nothing for it but to cross the road and enter the sparkling clean home. Luke had obviously just been leaving. He was standing in the hall as Nikki entered.

‘Two doctors,’ Sandra said, smiling nervously. ‘Do I get charged for two house calls?’

‘Of course not.’ Nikki tried desperately to ignore Luke as she smiled reassuringly at Sandra. ‘I just thought I’d drop in for a look.’

‘Let me show you-’ Sandra started eagerly, but

Luke interrupted.

‘I have to be getting back for afternoon surgery,’ he told them. He didn’t look at Nikki. ‘I’ll leave you two alone.’

Sandra nodded. She looked up at him and then suddenly stretched out her hands to take his. ‘I don’t know how to thank you,’ she told him. She turned to Nikki. ‘Did you know Dr Luke has located my husband?’ She whirled suddenly into the kitchen and returned carrying a slip of paper. ‘And look! I don’t know how he did it but it’s a cheque. For child maintenance. And they say…they say there’ll be more coming.’

‘It wasn’t me that found him,’ Luke told her. ‘It was the Department of Social Security.’

‘I’ve been to them before,’ Sandra said darkly. ‘And nothing’s happened. And then you two move in and…’

‘And your husband gets to shoulder his responsibilities,’ Nikki said warmly. ‘I’m so glad.’

Sandra smiled. For the first time in years she seemed young. ‘This will mean-oh, everything. We’ll have enough to eat for a change, and there’ll be money left over. I’ll be able to buy them new clothes, and take them to the pictures sometimes.’ She giggled. ‘And my husband…he’s not going to have all that great a time with his new girlfriend now,’ she chuckled. ‘Not with his wages being garnished for maintenance for the kids. Plus,’ she ended triumphantly, ‘all the stuff he bought on credit cards and I’ve been paying off. Some of it he’s still got and the rest he’s sold. His girlfriend was there when the social welfare people came around and she told them without thinking, “Oh, yeah, he bought that…That old stereo,” she said, “he sold it,” and things like that. And they told the credit people and the credit people transferred the debt. I don’t get to use the credit cards any more but I never did anyway. So now…so now he’s got to pay for the lot and I don’t have a single debt. I feel…I feel fantastic.’

‘Ready for Karen?’ Nikki said quietly.

Sandra’s smile faded. She met Nikki’s look without flinching. ‘I’m ready for Karen,’ she said. ‘I think…I think I’ve come to terms with what I’ve been doing with her. I just felt so darned useless…And Karen’s so like me. So when I felt like punishing myself I took everything out on her.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But it won’t happen any more, I promise you that. Karen… well, Karen’s going to be a little girl again. And I’m going to be a proper mother.’

‘You know there won’t be any more chances,’ Luke said heavily. ‘You know that, don’t you, Sandra?’

Sandra nodded. ‘I know you two have given me a second chance,’ she agreed. ‘I know that and I’ll be grateful forever. And I won’t mess it up.’

‘Karen can come back to Whispering Palms at any time,’ Nikki promised. ‘Use us as a safety-valve. If you feel the tension’s mounting then send her to us.’

‘To us’…Because she was standing beside Luke it sounded as if the invitation was from both of them and Sandra took it as such. She smiled at both of them in turn.

‘I’ll take you up on that if I ever need to,’ she promised. ‘But I won’t. I know that now.’ Suddenly she leaned forward and kissed Nikki on the cheek. ‘And Dr Russell?’

‘Yes?’ Nikki was flustered and it showed in her mounting colour.

‘I’m really glad you’ve been given a second chance too.’

Luke left them then, much to Nikki’s relief, and Sandra showed her around the house. It looked lovely. Finally Sandra walked her to the refrigerator and opened the door. The interior was crammed with the sort of food most children would die for-lemonade, cocktail sausages, chocolate éclairs, lamingtons…

A small boy sidled up beside Sandra as they looked and pulled his thumb from his mouth to announce, ‘No one’s allowed to eat anything until Karen comes home. It’s Karen’s welcome-home party ‘cos we’re glad she’s better and we missed her. Mummy’s put me in charge of seeing no one cheats.’

And this was the little boy who’d triggered the scene that had ended with Karen’s broken arm. Nikki smiled down at him and wondered just how she’d react, given the scenario of not having enough food to feed her children. She looked back to Sandra and saw that Sandra guessed her thoughts.

‘It tore me apart,’ she whispered. ‘To be hungry myself and still watch Karen be hungry-and for her not to complain…’

‘It won’t happen again,’ Nikki said softly. ‘It’s over.’

‘I know.’ Sandra smiled happily. ‘And guess what? I’ve got a spare room and Dr Luke suggested I might take in a boarder. It’ll mean even more money, and I’ll have someone-some adult-to talk to.’ She grimaced. ‘I know I’ve been treating Karen too much like an adult-but then, I’ve needed to. I’ve been so darned lonely.’

‘I know the feeling,’ Nikki said softly, and their eyes linked in a moment of understanding. And Nikki knew in that moment that Sandra would ask for help if she needed it. There was a bond between them which both recognised.

Nikki left then, her heart a little lighter because of the family’s obvious happiness. She glanced at her watch as the door closed behind her. It would take her half an hour to walk home, which left her with a solid afternoon to study. On Sunday-in two days’ time-she had to climb on to an aeroplane and face the exam in Cairns.

It no longer had meaning. It was a meaningless milestone she was aiming for because she had nothing else to do. Nothing but face a future which was bleak and empty.

‘I still have Amy,’ she said aloud. ‘And Beattie. And Whispering Palms. And a good job.’

And it sounded empty. There was a void that only Luke could fill.

She looked up towards the road and her heart stilled. Her car was parked on the corner. Luke was waiting.

He got out of the car as she approached, and watched her walk towards him.

‘I thought you were late for surgery,’ she said nervously.

‘So sack me.’

She shook her head, and unbidden tears threatened behind her eyes. ‘You know…you know I wouldn’t.’

He shrugged. ‘I thought you could do with a ride, seeing as I’m using your car. It’s bloody stupid walking so far in the midday sun.’

‘I know,’ Nikki said bitterly. ‘I’m bloody stupid.’

He glanced over at her as he started the car, and his mouth tightened. It was as if he was agreeing with her.

‘You leave for Cairns on Sunday,’ he said evenly.

‘Yes.’

‘Your exams are on Monday and Tuesday.’

‘Yes.’ She couldn’t think of anything further to say.

‘And you’ll be back here on Wednesday.’

She nodded, unable to trust her voice.

‘I’ll leave here first thing Thursday, then.’

‘Fine.’ She hardly recognised her voice. It was tight, young and forlorn: She sounded about Amy’s age, lost, desolate and alone.

Once more he glanced at her and then stared determinedly back at the road. ‘It’s better this way,’ he said finally.

‘Why?’ It was all she could do to whisper. ‘Where…where are you going?’

‘I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll go back to Sydney for a while. Spend some more time on my column.’

‘Fine.’ She couldn’t think of anything else to say. Instead Nikki sat with her hands clenched tight in her lap and waited to be deposited home.

There was little more preparation she could do for the exam. If she didn’t know what she needed now, she never would. Nikki desultorily packed and stared aimlessly at her books for the rest of the weekend. On Saturday she took Karen home to be welcomed by a tearful Sandra and her joyful brothers and sister, but that was the only cheerful spot in the day.

‘When you get back there’ll be no Karen and no Dr Luke,’ Amy said dolefully as she hugged her mother goodbye on Sunday. ‘Mummy, what are we going to do?’

‘We survived fine by ourselves,’ Nikki told her daughter, forcing a smile.

‘But we weren’t happy,’ Amy reminded her. ‘Dr Luke makes me laugh.’

He doesn’t make me laugh, Nikki said to herself sadly. She clenched a tight wad of paper in her hand-a note left on the kitchen table when Luke had left this morning on one of his interminable house calls.

‘Good luck,’ the note read. ‘Love, Luke.’

‘Love…You don’t know what love is,’ Nikki whispered to the absent Luke as she made her farewells. ‘You have it. If you want it, it’s yours…’

Nikki stayed in the staff residence of the hospital while she sat her exams. It was the same hospital she’d stayed in the night she’d come down with her two casualties. She took the opportunity of visiting them and her spirits lifted a little as she found both recovering well.

‘It’s the last time I drive a car fast,’ Martin told her and Lisa, settled in a wheelchair beside Martin’s bed, agreed with him.

‘I was egging him on,’ she said sadly. ‘We were fools. Lucky fools.’

‘At least you’re both alive to learn a lesson from it,’ Nikki smiled. The pair were now inseparable, their hands linked tight while they talked. A happy ending if ever she saw one.

And she was so jealous she could cry. Nikki turned from the bed as her friend Charlotte came into the ward.

‘Oho.’ Charlie grinned. ‘Back in town. Need some more clothes, do we, Dr Russell?’

‘No, I do not.’ Despite her cross tone Nikki couldn’t suppress a smile. Charlotte was incorrigible.

‘So it’s just exams that’s brought you to town. How boring. I suppose I can’t persuade you to join me for dinner tonight?’

‘Are you kidding?’ Nikki linked arms with her friend and they walked out together. ‘My last night before the exam…’

‘And this exam is so important!’

‘It is to me.’

Charlotte shook her head. She glanced across at Nikki’s strained face and wisely decided to hold her peace.

‘Would you have half an hour to spare from your hectic exam preparation, though?’ she asked slowly.

‘Charlotte, I can’t…’

‘Not to spend in riotous living,’ her friend assured her drily. ‘But there’s someone in town who badly wants to see you.’

‘Who?’

‘Luke Marriott’s sister.’

‘Luke’s sister.’ Nikki turned and stared at her friend. ‘What on earth…? Why would Luke’s sister want to see me?’

‘I suspect to ask after Luke.’

‘But…’

‘Look, don’t ask me.’ Charlotte spread her hands. ‘I’m only the intermediary. I only know that this girl’s from Melbourne. She told me about Luke’s illness-apparently she hasn’t seen him since then. She’s worried sick about him and came north to try and locate him. I heard she was asking the staff if anyone had heard from him-I stuck my oar in and told her where he was and I told her you were coming down. She was due to fly back to Melbourne today but has held over to try and talk to you. Will you see her?’

Nikki frowned. ‘I suppose so.’

‘So what’s the story?’ Charlotte linked arms again and kept walking. ‘Has he murdered someone?’

‘Who? Luke Marriott?’ Nikki tried to laugh. ‘I wouldn’t think so.’

‘So why’s he running?’

‘Who knows?’ Nikki said lightly, much more lightly than she felt. ‘Who knows?’

Luke’s sister, Megan, was a more petite version of Luke, in a feminine form. She was blonde, blueeyed and beautiful, and her smile would turn men’s hearts. Her smile was tentative when she met Nikki, as though she was afraid of what she might be about to hear.

‘I hope you don’t mind me bothering you,’ she started awkwardly as Nikki ushered her into her sparsely furnished little bedroom an hour later. ‘Miss Cain says you have exams tomorrow.’

‘It doesn’t matter.’ Nikki pulled out the hard chair from the desk, motioned her guest into it and then perched on the bed. ‘How may I help you?’ They were both so nervous, the air was brittle, she thought.

‘I thought…I just wondered if you could tell me about Luke.’ The girl gripped her hands together and held them hard. ‘We…we were so worried. My company sent me up here for a conference and I thought I’d try to find out about him while I was here.’

‘You haven’t heard from him for a while?’

‘No.’ Megan bit her lip. ‘Oh, we heard about his illness. He rang from Sydney and my oldest sister flew up to be with him during the worst of it. But then… then he just seemed to withdraw. Since he left Sydney we’ve received the occasional postcard from different places and nothing else. It’s as if…it’s as if he doesn’t want us any more.’

Join the club, Nikki thought bitterly, but she didn’t say it. Instead she looked sympathetically across to Megan. The girl was young, maybe only twenty or so, and looked miserable.

‘You’re fond of your brother?’ she asked.

‘We all are.’ The girl took a deep breath. ‘We’re a really big family, Dr Russell. I’m the second youngest of eight children and Luke is the oldest. My father died when I was two and my mum died three years ago. Luke…well, Luke’s been more a parent than a big brother…to all of us.’ She looked at the floor. ‘We know he’s not working-at least, until I heard about you I didn’t think he was. My young brother’s still at university, though, and the cheques keep arriving from Luke to keep him there. I don’t know how he’s doing it.’

Nikki did. This explained why he had to do the locum work. But…

‘But why doesn’t he contact you?’ Nikki was talking almost to herself.

‘We…we wondered if he was still ill. If his cancer had come back. If he didn’t want to face us?’

Nikki shook her head. ‘It hasn’t,’ she said gently. ‘He’s fit and healthy and I’d be willing to bet he’s going to be one of the lucky ones who’s in for a complete cure.’

‘And is he happy?’ Megan asked tremulously. ‘It’s driving us crazy not knowing. Last Christmas…well, we all got together-all of us and husbands and wives and children-do you know that Luke now has eleven nieces and nephews with two more on the way? And the only one not there was Luke. The only one. And you know-’ she lifted a woebegone face ‘-I would have said, of all of us, to Luke the family was the most important.’

And maybe it still is, Nikki thought slowly. Maybe the sight of his brothers and sisters marrying and producing their own families when he can’t is just too painful for him to face.

She didn’t say that. She couldn’t. Instead Nikki leaned forward and gripped Megan’s hands.

‘Megan, I can’t answer your questions,’ she said gently. ‘I don’t know the answers myself. All I can do is assure you that Luke seems healthy. If you like I’ll tell him I’ve seen you, and tell him you’re worried. That’s…that’s all I can do.’

‘But he is at Eurong?’ Megan’s tear-stained eyes met Nikki’s. ‘I can’t extend my stay now, but one of my brothers or sisters will come up. I know they will.’ She grimaced. ‘Maybe if you don’t tell him we’re coming…’

‘Megan, he won’t be there.’

Megan paused. ‘N-no?’

‘No. Luke’s doing a locum for me and he leaves on Thursday. And I don’t know where he’s going.’

Something in her tone caught Megan’s attention. She stared. ‘You…you care for him too,’ she said slowly.

Nikki nodded. ‘I do.’

‘Well, then…’

‘Megan, Luke won’t let me near him. He won’t let anyone near him.’ Nikki closed her eyes, with remembered pain. ‘For now…for now Luke wants to be alone, and I think…I think we have to respect that.’

‘Do you think it’s because he’s sterile?’

Nikki looked up sharply. ‘You know about that?’

Megan nodded. ‘My sister was so worried, she made a special trip to Sydney to see Dr Olsing six months ago. He’s the one who looked after Luke when he was ill. Dr Olsing thought that might have something to do with why…why he’s avoiding the family.’

‘Luke would have been fairly upset when he found out,’ Nikki said carefully and Megan nodded again.

‘Dr Olsing said there was some reason Luke couldn’t bank sperm…and almost as soon as the last chemotherapy session was over he asked to be tested and his count was really low. Dr Olsing said if Luke hadn’t been a doctor he would have pushed him to counselling but…well, if you know Luke you’d know he wouldn’t take to counselling very well. He’d reckon he could cope. Luke hasn’t been back to Dr Olsing since then. We assume he’s getting his regular check-ups-but he could get them done anywhere, couldn’t he?’

‘I’m sure he is,’ Nikki said gently. ‘Luke’s sensible, Megan. He’ll be being careful.’

Careful and remote as the South Pole, she thought bleakly.

Megan left soon after, and Nikki faced a long and sleepless night.

In the morning she sat the first of her exams. They seemed easy, or maybe that was just because Nikki’s mind was elsewhere. She answered perfunctorily and if sometimes one of her examiners seemed annoyed, well, Nikki couldn’t help it.

She was nervous, though. She must be. Nikki had sat down in the hospital cafeteria for breakfast on the Monday morning only to be nauseated by the sight of so much food. She’d been ill before she’d gone into the exam. Her stomach had settled as she worked, but on Tuesday morning it happened again.

Nerves? It was almost as if…

The thought struck Nikki out of the blue halfway through an oral examination on bone-structure on the Tuesday afternoon. Strange sensations suddenly slid into frightening place.

Somehow Nikki managed to answer the professor’s questions. There was one other written exam, which she completed in not much more than half the time stipulated. She walked out of the examination-room and didn’t stop until she reached the hospital pharmacy.

An hour later Charlotte knocked on Nikki’s door. Hearing no response, she turned the knob to find it unlocked. Nikki was sitting on the bed staring out of the window.

‘Hey, what’s this?’ Charlotte chided her. ‘I thought you’d be out painting the town red.’ She plonked herself down on the bed beside her friend. ‘Or did the exam go badly?’

‘It went OK,’ Nikki said listlessly.

‘Well, what-?’ Charlotte broke off. Her eyes

caught sight of what lay on Nikki’s bedside table. A small bottle, a plastic box and an eye-dropper. Charlotte leaned forward and picked up the box. The paper in the window on the front of the box showed a firm, definite cross.

Charlotte glanced across to where Nikki was still staring intently out of the window, and then looked back at the box.

‘A cross,’ she said conversationally. ‘Who’s the lucky girl, then?’

‘Charlotte, don’t.’ Nikki put her hands up to her face and her shoulders heaved. With a gasp Charlotte leaned over to grasp her friend.

‘Hey, honey, don’t. This isn’t the end of the world. How far…?’

‘I’m only just,’ Nikki wailed. ‘I’m only a week overdue. I just couldn’t…’

‘Luke?’

Nikki closed her eyes. ‘Of course Luke,’ she whispered. ‘Who else?’

‘Who else indeed?’ Charlotte whistled silently over Nikki’s tumbled curls. ‘Holy heck, Nikki, love, I thought you had more sense.’

‘I did. I do. He’s supposed to be sterile…’

And then the whole story came tumbling out while Charlotte’s frown deepened and her hold on her friend’s shoulders tightened.

‘Well,’ she said at last. ‘What now, Nikki Russell?’

‘I don’t know,’ she said bleakly. ‘I can’t think… I…He was so sure that he was sterile…’

‘When was he tested?’

‘I don’t know,’ Nikki wailed. And then she remembered what Megan had said. ‘Just…just after the last lot of chemotherapy. He was very anxious.’

‘Too anxious,’ Charlotte said grimly. ‘If he tested too soon…’

‘Surely he would have re-tested if he’d been negative,’ Nikki whispered. ‘When it was so important to him…’

‘Maybe that’s why he didn’t re-test.’ Charlotte shrugged. ‘To submit yourself to a sperm count when you think you’re sterile must be pretty darned demoralising. If he got a really low count he would have assumed it would stay low. The chances of it rising are pretty darned small.’

‘Small but possible,’ Nikki said bleakly. ‘And guess who wins the prize?’

Charlotte shook her head. ‘You always were the lucky one. Nikki…Nikki, you realise it’s early enough to do something about the pregnancy?’

‘No.’

‘Just like that?’

‘Just like that,’ Nikki told her. ‘I could have done the same when I was pregnant with Amy. I was broke and frightened and much younger. And if I had, I would have missed out on my lovely daughter, and besides…’

‘Besides?’ Charlotte prompted.

‘This is Luke’s child.’

‘I see.’ Charlotte looked hard at her friend and her heart sank. Luke Marriott had claimed another victim, then. ‘So tell Luke,’ she said heavily. ‘I’ve never heard that Luke Marriott didn’t take his responsibilities seriously. Maybe…maybe he’ll want to marry you.’

‘For a happy-ever-after ending?’ Nikki gave a short, harsh laugh. ‘Is that what you think?’

‘If he thinks he’s sterile he’ll be delighted about the baby.’

‘Yes.’ Nikki nodded. ‘He’s taken his sterility hard. And family is important to him. You’re right, Charlie. If I told him, then Luke would marry me.’

‘And you don’t want that?’

Nikki shook her head. ‘Not…not on those terms.’

‘But he made love to you. He must feel…’

‘He made love to me out of some crazy, stupid scheme to shake me out of my isolation and misery. For the same reason as you pinched all my clothes. Well, it worked only too well. I’m not isolated any more. I’m going to be the mother of two.’

‘Oh, Nikki, will you cope?’

‘Sure I’ll cope,’ Nikki whispered. ‘The town will talk behind my back-but they always have. Beattie will stand by me. And I have my career. Isn’t it lucky I’ve just done this damned exam?’ Her voice broke on a sob and she buried her face in her hands.

‘Nikki…’ Charlotte held out a hand helplessly to her friend and then withdrew it. ‘Nikki, you’ll have to tell him. It’s not fair…Apart from anything else, he has to know he’s not firing blanks.’

Shaken, Nikki looked up sharply and Charlotte shrugged and grinned. ‘Well, he does…’

‘If he had a low sperm count he must only have marginal fertility,’ Nikki said slowly. ‘He could try for twenty years and not father another child.’

‘Or he could do the same tomorrow.’

Nikki nodded. ‘OK,’ she said slowly. ‘I’ll tell him.’ She took a deep breath. Her face was set. ‘But not yet. I’ll let him get right away from Eurong and then I’ll write to him, care of the medical board. They’ll forward a letter. But it won’t be for a while yet. I’ll give myself time to have the strength to tell him to go to blazes when he demands that I marry him.’

‘That’s really what you want to do?’

‘He’ll love our baby,’ Nikki said bleakly. ‘But he doesn’t love me. So…so it’s what I really have to do.’