Strange Are the Ways of Love

7

The party was in full swing when she arrived at nine-fifteen. She walked in timidly, unsure of herself in a roomful of strangers, her eyes scanning the room, looking for Mike. All she could see was a group of people her own age sitting on the floor and on the bed on the other side of the room. For a moment she wanted to turn around and leave without speaking to anyone.

Then she heard the guitar and saw Mike in the middle of the crowd, sitting on the floor with a girl beside him. She walked in slowly, wondering whether she ought to say hello to him first or if she should just make herself at home.

He was playing the guitar — not singing, but banging out a hard blues chorus and drinking periodically from a bottle of chianti. Once while she was standing by the door he looked up at her, but he didn’t seem to see her. There was a glaze in his eyes, and she guessed that he had been drinking fairly steadily since the party began.

She decided to wait. If anyone bothered her, she could say that Mike had invited her, but in the meanwhile she just wanted to sit and listen and watch. She looked around briefly for a chair; finding none, she sat down on the floor. She was wearing blue jeans and a light blue blouse, and she saw that she had selected the right outfit.

The other girls were dressed more or less the same. Some of them — the girl with Mike, for example — seemed to her to be deliberately trying to look sloppy. Jan remembered the story of the Communist girls during the 30’s who used to look in the mirror to make sure their stocking-seams were crooked. That was the impression these girls gave her. If they wore lipstick it was too thick and applied lopsidedly. More often they left off the lipstick entirely and plastered on purple eye-shadow with a trowel.

The boys, on the other hand, didn’t seem to be putting on as much of an act. Their dress was less stylized and they seemed more at home in the general messiness of the apartment. The girls were obviously pretending that they didn’t notice any disorder; the boys acted as though they were genuinely accustomed to it.

Impressions.

LIFE Goes to a Village Party, she thought. I should have brought my camera. A camera and a notebook.

“Have a beer,” someone said. Janet started. She turned around and took a can of beer from a short boy with red hair and a slight growth of red beard, who disappeared again as soon as she had the can in her hand. The beer was good and cold and she took a deep drink of it, spilling a little down her chin.

The night was still warm although the sun had set a while ago. Thirty-odd people in one room made the night even warmer and beer taste even better. She sat back and drank again, no longer caring that she didn’t know anyone. It was a nice party.

She didn’t have to look up to know that it was Mike singing. There was something very distinctive about his voice, about the way he picked the strings of the guitar and sang with it. And there was an intangible quality, too — someone else could play the same chords and sing the same notes and it would come out weak and pale by comparison.

She liked the way he sang.

She liked his name, too. Mike was blunt and strong and honest and rugged, and Michael was music and poetry and something tranquil. It suited him, matched the odd and intense combination of tough and tender which she could feel in him.

The beer was gone suddenly and she was drinking wine from a bottle and passing the bottle to a thin young man with a shock of black hair that hung limp over his forehead. The young man looked a little like Hitler, and he was trying to talk to her but she liked being all alone in the group, all alone with herself, and she didn’t answer him.

There were more people in the room. There were at least fifty by now, and others kept arriving. Everybody who came seemed to have a bottle, and the bottles kept passing back and forth around the room. And she kept sampling them.

Smoking a cigarette, she realized abruptly that she was drunk. It was nice. It was very nice being drunk, especially when it didn’t cost anything. She felt the side of her face and it was numb to her touch, her skin feeling even cooler and smoother than usual. She was a little bit dizzy, and she drew more deeply on the cigarette as if that would stop the dizziness. She smiled quickly at no one in particular and her face felt funny. She let the muscles in her face relax slowly.

There were more guitars going now and she didn’t hear Mike singing any more, but heard instead a deep-voiced boy singing about a bad man named Stackolee. Another boy passed her another bottle and she put it to her mouth and drank. It was wine, but she couldn’t tell what kind of wine it was or even whether it was good or bad. It was wet and her mouth was dry so she kept on drinking until the young man shook his head strangely and took the bottle away from her.

You’re drunk, she whispered to herself. LIFE Goes to a Village Party and Gets Smashed. Poor little Life gets tight as a kite. Or was it high as a kite? Tight as something, but she couldn’t remember.

A hand touched her shoulder and she turned, ready to take another drink from another nice young man’s bottle. Mike was standing beside her.

She saw that he was sober, and that was funny because she was drunk now, and when she had come in he had been drunk and she had been sober. It was funny.

She started to giggle.

“How long have you been here?”

It was a silly question, because she had been there so long. It was so silly that she started to giggle again.

“I guess you’ve been here awhile, huh?”

“Uh-huh.”

He smiled. “Why didn’t you say hello? I didn’t even see you come in. I just got up to take a break and saw you sitting here, so I came over. Having fun?”

“Uh-huh.”

She thought that he was nice, very nice, and very funny because she was drunk and he wasn’t.

“You’re drunk.” It wasn’t an accusation but a simple statement of fact.

“I was for awhile but I sang myself sober. Do you like the party?”

“Uh-huh. It’s a beautiful party.”

“It’s a terrible party. I suppose you like the apartment?”

She made a face.

“Good. It’s a terrible apartment, too, and I’m glad you don’t like it. I’d introduce you to some people, but they’re pretty awful, too.”

“They are?”

“Yeah. Miserable people.”

“What’s wrong with them?”

“They’re not like us. We’re alike — did you know that?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Mike and Ike — we think alike. Except it’s Mike and Jan, isn’t it?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I like the way you say that. You say it with a giggle even when you keep your face straight. You’re pretty drunk.”

“Uh-huh.” She giggled aloud, thinking that he wasn’t quite as sober as she had thought. “You’re silly.”

“I am?”

“Uh-huh.”

More people came in. The boy playing Mike’s guitar was singing a song that everybody seemed to know and the party was getting progressively noisier. The girl with the eye make-up and the long black hair who had been sitting with Mike was alone in a corner drinking from a dark brown bottle. Another boy had passed out silently with his head in a girl’s lap. The girl didn’t seem aware of him and went on talking earnestly to another couple, absently running her fingers through the boy’s hair while she talked.

“Let’s get out of here.”

“No.”

“Come on. It’s too damn noisy here.”

“Where can we go?”

“Some place quiet.”

She shook her head. “You can’t leave now. It’s your party.”

“So what?”

“Well, you can’t leave your own party, can you?”

“Sure I can.”

“No.” She shook her head solemnly. “Besides, you have a girl here.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. The girl in the corner with the blue stuff on her eyes. I think she’s drunk.”

“I think you’re drunk, too.”

“I think she’s drunker. I think she wants you to go over and talk to her.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I’m not sure. She’s your girl, isn’t she?”

“Not really. I... oh, the hell with it. Let’s get out of this hole.”

She put a cigarette between her lips and let him light it for her. It was tasteless, and she wondered whether it was the wine she had drunk that made the cigarette tasteless or whether it was because she had been smoking too many cigarettes.

“Let’s stay right here. It’s a nice party.”

“The hell it is.”

“It’s a beautiful party. And you can’t leave your own party in your own apartment, and you can’t leave Saundra.”

His eyes widened. “How did you know her name?”

“You introduced me, sort of. At the coffee shop.”

He nodded, remembering.

“Besides, she’s pretty.”

“Do you think so?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Honestly?”

She lowered her head and regarded the cigarette thoughtfully. “I think,” she said, “that she looks as though she’s made out of cardboard.”

He laughed. She like the way he laughed, the way he let his whole body relax in laughter.

“She is,” he said. “Cardboard and library paste.”

“With stuff on her eyes.”

“Definitely. Look, let’s get the hell out of here.”

He stood up and reached down for her hand, and it was very natural to stand up and slip her hand into his. Her hand seemed very small when he held it, small and soft in his, and she felt the tips of his fingers close around the back of her hand. They were rough and calloused from the guitar.

They were at the doorway when she asked, “Where are we going?”

“Anywhere. It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

“I suppose not.”

“As long as it’s quiet.”

They were on the stairway and she had to lean against him just a little. Too much wine, she thought. She was just a little dizzy, with just a little too much wine in her, and it was just a little bit difficult for her to keep up with everything that was happening.

“Too much of that lousy vino,” he said.

“Uh-huh. Beer, too.”

“The beer wasn’t too bad. Hang on until you get outside. The air’ll help.”

“I guess so. Where’re we going?”

“I don’t know. Where it’s quiet, that’s all. What’s the difference?”

Slowly, she said, “I think I’m a little afraid of you.”

“Afraid?”

She squeezed his hand. “Uh-huh. I like being with you and it scares me too.”

“You don’t have to be afraid.”

“Maybe not.”

“You don’t. I’m harmless.”

“Sure.”

“Honest. We’ll just walk around for awhile. The air will do you good and it won’t hurt me either. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“No passes. I promise.”

“Okay.”

“And there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“I guess not.”

“There really isn’t. I like you too much to chance spoiling things.”

She looked up at him, searching his eyes, hoping that he was telling the truth and that he really did like her, that he liked her very much. It seemed important to her. She wasn’t sure why.

“Do you? Don’t say that unless you mean it.”

“I mean it.”

“That’s good,” she said. “It really is.”

Outside the cold air hit her in the head like a sledgehammer. She was sober all at once, still a bit light in the head but no longer dizzy. She breathed deeply. The air in New York was so different at night. The heat was gone from it and the smoke and grime of the city were not so noticeable.

It was quiet as only New York can be late at night. She heard the late sounds: staccato footsteps that can be heard when only a few people are on the sidewalks, sharp car noises that in the daytime are only part of the blended rumble of the city. When a car passed them on Cornelia Street it seemed out of place, as if all the cars should have been locked up for the night hours ago.

They didn’t speak. It wasn’t necessary, for there was a certain rapport already established between them. The closeness induced by the wine had vanished with the shock of the cold air, but it had been replaced by a clearer emotion.

She felt as though she were standing on the top of a narrow ridge. On one side was the sunlit world, a world of husband and children and the home she wanted. On the other side was the shadow world, the gay world, the Lesbian world.

One little push. That was all it would take — one little push and she would topple from her perch. It wasn’t an easy perch to hold; the ridge grew narrower every day, and every day she thought she was about to fall. She wanted so much to reach out her fingers and grab at the sunshine.

If she tried to jump it would be too easy to slip and fall back into the shadows. Once she had tried to jump. She had been lucky then; she was still on the ridge.

And every day the ridge narrowed.

They were on Bleecker Street walking toward Sixth Avenue. Her hand still felt soft and small and comfortable in his, and she still leaned a little against him although she wasn’t drunk any longer.

“What time is it?”

Her voice shattered the silence just as the cold air had shattered the drunkenness. As soon as she had spoken the question she found herself leaning less upon him. She almost wanted to remove her hand from his, but she left it where it was.

“Around three.”

“Three? How did it get to be three?”

“Closer to two, maybe.”

“That’s still a good five hours. What did I do for five hours?”

“Most of the time you were drinking, I guess. I didn’t even see you come in, so it’s hard to say what you were doing before I saw you.”

“I didn’t do anything silly, did I?”

He laughed. “I don’t think you talked to anyone all night long.” She shook her head, unable to believe that the time had passed that quickly and that she had done nothing for so many hours.

“What were you doing? Did you sing all that time?”

“Most of the time. A few of us swapped songs, so I wasn’t singing straight through.”

“That’s a long time to sing.”

“Not so long. I went for seven hours once without stopping, and that was all by myself.”

“When was that?”

“A few years back. But I was younger then.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You’re still saying ‘uh-huh’. Do you say that all the time?”

“Sometimes I say ‘no’.”

“You do?”

“Uh-huh.”

It was easy. Talking to him was very easy, and he was very tall and very strong and kissing him might be easy, too, and it might be easy to let him touch her with his big rough hands.

He wouldn’t hurt her. His hands frightened her a little because they could hurt her so easily, could bruise the soft skin of her body. But they could be gentle, too. She knew that.

“Where are we?”

“Bleecker and Sixth.”

“Oh. Where are we going?”

“Nowhere special. There’s a street here you ought to see. Have you seen Minetta yet?”

“No. What is it?”

“It’s right around the corner. It looks the way the Village is supposed to look — too narrow for two cars at the same time and it bends in the middle and the buildings are painted different colors. Want to see it?”

She nodded. They crossed Sixth Avenue and turned left into the crooked little street. Minetta was exactly as he had described it. It was narrow, with just enough room for one lane of traffic down the middle of the street. The lamps were old-fashioned and at first glance she thought they were gaslights until he explained that the only gaslights were on Macdougal Alley.

And the buildings looked ridiculous at first, robin’s-egg blue and pink and muted scarlet and dove grey under the dim lights. She looked at them a second time and they looked pretty, and the third glance had them looking quite lovely and almost beautiful.

It was a make-believe street. She knew now that it didn’t really exist and that people didn’t actually live in the funny little buildings. He pointed out the little shops in some of the buildings — carpenters, leatherworkers, silversmiths and even a Chinese laundry. But it was all make-believe, and she thought what fun it would be to have a pretend apartment on the make-believe street and not worry about anything except what color to paint the building next spring.

“Woo-woo,” she said.

“What?”

“Woo-woo. Like in that book by John O’Hara, where the girl is a little bit drunk and everything is pretty and she says woo-woo. Don’t you remember?”

“Now I do, I guess. Was it Hope of Heaven?”

“I think so. I don’t remember much about it except that it was in California and the girl was a little drunk. I feel very woo-woo now.”

“How does it feel?”

“It feels good.” She rested her head against his shoulder and gave his hand a squeeze. “It feels wonderful.”

“Woo-woo.”

“That’s it exactly. That’s just how I feel.”

“You’re nuts,” he said. “Do you know that?”

“Not nuts. Just a little woo-woo.”

“Nuts. Nuts in a nice way, and pretty and drunk and even woo-woo, but still nuts.”

“Maybe.”

“You are. C’mon, I want to show you the courtyard. It’s the best part of Minetta.”

She followed him through the gateway of the building on the corner and into the courtyard. It looked even more unreal than the rest of the street, more make-believe than anything she had ever seen, and she decided that she must have walked through a looking-glass instead of through a gateway, because this couldn’t possibly be in New York.

There was a garden, first of all. In the middle of New York there was a street with a building with a courtyard with a garden. It was a real garden, with rose bushes and zinnias and delphiniums and something that looked like a grape vine. In the center of the largest flower bed there was a terra-cotta cat with water flowing and bubbling from its mouth.

The balconies overlooking the garden seemed to come straight from Mexico. All the windows had heavy iron grillwork. She felt as though she were standing in a patio in Guadalajara.

She said, “You should have brought your guitar.”

“Why?”

“So you could sing Spanish songs to me. I wish I could live here. Barrow Street is nice, but this is magical. Can you feel the magic?”

“I think so. I’ve been here a million times, but you haven’t and that makes it new for me. Does that sound corny?”

“Uh-huh.”

“It’s true, though.”

“Then it’s not corny, but I still wish I had an apartment here. I wonder what kind of people live here, Mike?”

“I don’t know. The rent must be pretty steep.”

“It would be worth it. And at night I could sit by my window and you could serenade me through the iron grille. Do you know Spanish?”

“Just a few Spanish songs. That’s all.”

“That’s enough, because we couldn’t talk, you know. You could only sing to me, and if you were very good I might throw you a rose.”

She turned to face him and he took her arms in his hands, looking down into her eyes. She returned his look. For several seconds nothing happened. There was total silence in the small courtyard, total lack of sound or motion. She was conscious only of herself and him.

In a moment he will kiss me, she thought. Do I want to be kissed?

A moment passed. He was about to kiss her. His head was ready to come down to hers, his arms ready to close around her body and press her against him.

And then, all at once, they were not alone.

She sensed them before she heard them and heard them before she saw them. They walked into the courtyard, not wandering or strolling but walking with a purpose, crossing the courtyard toward a doorway on the opposite side. She knew at once that she had seen them before, but there was a half-second between that moment and the moment of recognition while she waited for Mike to kiss her.

And then she remembered.

She turned slightly away from Mike and stared full into the face of the girl with the red-brown hair. She looked at the girl and the girl returned her glance and instantly they were alone in the courtyard as Mike and the small blonde girl seemed to fade away into the shadows. Mike still held her and the blonde’s arm still encircled the girl’s waist, but neither Mike nor the blonde mattered at all.

“Laura,” said the blonde. She said something else but that was all Jan heard.

Laura.

There was no mistaking Laura’s glance. Jan watched the two of them pass her and walk on toward the door, and she knew that there had been invitation in Laura’s eyes. Laura wanted her, and she wanted Laura just as much if not more.

“Jan.”

She turned back to Mike and leaned against him. She did not want him and she knew that she could not and would not want him, not ever, but she needed someone to lean on. She was weak and she was sick and she had slipped off the narrow ridge into the shadows without even jumping, without even straining for the sunshine.

Mike’s arms closed about her, gently, possessively, but she was not conscious of them as arms or as belonging to Mike. They were merely something to hold her, something to keep her upright and tight-lipped when she wanted to fall down and cry.

Hold me, she thought. Hold me but don’t want me, don’t ever want me because I’m no good for you and you’re no good for me and I love a girl and her name is Laura.

The door slammed shut at the far end of the courtyard. Soon the little blonde girl would be kissing Laura’s lips and touching her breasts. Jan was jealous. It was an irrational jealousy, but she couldn’t help it.

Mike, who was holding her now and stroking her hair, was undoubtedly sleeping with Saundra, but she didn’t care in the least.

Laura.

Let’s face it, she thought. Let’s face it once and for all. You’re not on the goddamned ridge any more. You’re in the shadows, Miss Marlowe. You’re gay as a jay.

Give in.

To give in. To find Laura and go with her, to replace the little blonde in the apartment on Minetta and to sleep every night with Laura.

To love.

The thought started her trembling, and Mike did the one impossible and inevitable and unforgivable thing at that moment.

He kissed her.

Actually, she realized, it was the most natural thing he could have done. He tilted her head back and lowered his mouth to hers and held her close and kissed her. It was completely natural.

But she was not natural.

She drew back almost instantly, pushing him away from her.

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Don’t.”

He was breathing heavily. He started to reach for her again but she shook her head and backed away.

“Why not?”

She didn’t answer. She continued to tremble slightly as she backed away, shaking her head as she moved.

Then he shrugged and she knew that he was all right now.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Please, she thought, just don’t say anything. You’re nice and I like you but I want you to go away without saying anything.

“I said no passes,” he went on. “I mean it, too.”

Please. Stop.

“It just seemed right to kiss you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right.”

Slowly, they started to walk out of the courtyard. Minetta looked as it had looked before, but now Janet wanted to get back to her own bed in her own apartment.

She was totally sober and very tired.

“I’d better take you home.”

“No.”

“It’s pretty late. I figured—”

“No, that’s not what I meant. I can go home by myself.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Jan. I’m not a sex criminal. I just—”

“I’m not afraid, Mike.” She was conscious of an edge to her voice but he didn’t seem to notice it.

“Well—”

“It’s just that I’d rather walk home alone. I can’t explain it, but I’d rather be alone. Do you understand?”

“Not really. I’d like to walk with you.”

“It’s not far. I have things to think about.”

“Are you sure?”

“Uh-huh.” She smiled. She didn’t feel like smiling but she knew that it would make things easier.

“All right. But at least let me walk with you as far as my place.”

When she hesitated he said, “Not even that, huh? I’ll see you.” He started to turn from her.

“Mike?”

“What?”

“You’re not mad, are you?”

“Not mad. A little disappointed.”

“Don’t be.”

“Why not?”

“You shouldn’t be. I... I mean, you didn’t do anything wrong. Do you understand?”

He nodded. “Sort of.”

“Good,” she said, forcing another smile. “Good night.”

“I’ll see you.”

He turned and walked along Minetta Street toward Sixth and his apartment, and she watched him for a minute, watched him walk with a firm stride. Then she turned and walked off in the opposite direction. She heard him whistle, and she recognized the tune as Danville Girl.

It was better being alone. The night seemed much darker and vaguely empty. Now that he was gone she no longer wanted to hurry back to her apartment, but there was no place else to go, nothing else to do. She followed Minetta Lane up to Macdougal, surprised to see The Shadows just a few doors from the intersection.

Quickly she headed home. She followed the same route she had followed the night before, but it seemed as though last night had been ages ago and that she had walked the same route over and over. Her feet automatically carried her toward Barrow Street.

Mike wanted her. It was more than desire on his part — he loved her, or could fall in love if she gave him half a chance. But she had no intention of giving him that half-chance.

Laura wanted her, too. And Laura would love her, because she would see to that. Laura was the person she wanted and needed.

By the time she reached her apartment she was exhausted and her bed felt good to her. It was late, very late, and the room was properly dark and the bed properly soft and cool. She slept naked, with nothing between her body and the smooth bedsheets.

I’ll see you, he had said. She hoped that he wouldn’t. He deserved a lot more than she could possibly give him. He deserved love, and she knew that she could never love him.

She had so much love stored up, so much love that she had been saving and hiding for so long.

But it was not for him.

Tomorrow, she thought. Tomorrow she would fall into the darkness. That was where she belonged, and her ridge was now too thin to hold her any longer. Her pilgrimage to New York was a success already. She had found the answer to her question, and although the answer wasn’t the one she would have preferred, it was as she had expected.

Now she knew what she was. It was time to accept it.

Tomorrow.