Sweet

Chapter Seventeen

“Do you want to talk about it?” Riley asked after twenty minutes of silence.

I was stewing, staring out the window as we drove down the highway. “Not really.”

“Okay.” He was quiet for a minute, then he said, “I don’t want you to worry about money or anything. We’ll be fine. I don’t need to sell a kidney yet.”

I hadn’t even thought far enough ahead to realize that without my parent’s financial support, I was going to have to live off my waitress tips. Yikes. I thought I would be okay, but what did I really know? I’d always had a backup bank in my father. “I’m not your problem, Riley. I’ll just pick up more hours at work to help pay for stuff.”

“You’re not my problem, you’re my girlfriend. We’re in it together, Jess.”

I nodded, throat tight.

“I have to tell you, I’m not even sure I totally get what it is you did to deserve being kicked out. It’s not like you filmed a porno.”

Now there was an image. “There’s still time,” I said, because I was exhausted. I just wanted to snuggle on the couch with Riley and watch stupid YouTube videos, and I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore.

He got the hint. “I do have porn star gonads, I must say.”

I laughed. “Gross. I don’t even want to know what constitutes porn star, you know.” The word gonads made me squeamish.

“I don’t either, to tell you the truth,” he admitted. “But let me assure you, my nuts are class A.”

“I’m reassured, thanks. Of course, I do find it ironic that my father is worried about my salvation but he thinks you’re just awesome.” I didn’t blame Riley for that, but I did find it frustrating as hell.

“He didn’t say that. And he’s never heard me swear or seen me kick a wall. I’m sure if he knew the full story he’d be praying for me, too.”

I sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Well, I think it does matter. Plus I owe you an apology. I thought you were exaggerating about your parents, but you weren’t.”

“Thanks.” There was more I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate my feelings. “They’re not bad parents,” I said, because they weren’t. They wanted what was best for me, I knew that. They just thought their way was what was best for me.

“No, of course not,” he agreed. “Everyone makes mistakes and none of us know what the fuck we’re doing. We just take it one day at a time. Hopefully Easton will remember that when he’s thirty and in therapy.”

“Easton is probably going to grow up to be the most normal of all of us.”

Riley laughed. “We can only hope.”

When we got back and went into the house, Tyler was playing video games with Easton. “How did it go? I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”

Riley just shook his head, carrying one of my boxes. He started back towards the bedroom.

“I’m your new permanent roomie,” I told Tyler. “I’ll try not to hog the bathroom.”

“Shit, it didn’t go so good, huh?”

“Nope.”

“You’re moving in?” Easton asked, glancing up from his controller.

“Yes.”

He made a face of disgust.

Fabulous.

“I wish it was Rory instead,” he said.

Now that hurt. I blinked hard, feeling tears fill my eyes. So I didn’t really belong or fit in here either. Rory was the preferred girlfriend.

“Hey! That was really rude,” Tyler told him, shoving Easton’s knee. “Say you’re sorry.”

He shrugged like he didn’t know why it mattered. “Sorry.”

Yeah, that was believable. I set my box down and fast-walked out the front door to the car for another box. Riley came into the living room as I was leaving.

“What did you guys say to her?” he asked them in an accusing tone.

I didn’t wait for the answer. I just strode down the driveway, just in time to see a guy stealing my vacuum out of Riley’s open car.

“Hey! Drop the fucking vacuum or I will hurt you,” I screamed. It was a bit melodramatic for a twenty-dollar Dirt Devil, but I was not in the mood. Besides, I was broke now.

Apparently I looked scary enough that he eyed me and ditched it in the grass. He was about sixteen and skinny, dark circles under his eyes. I took a step toward him and he ran. I chased him, screaming at the top of my lungs the whole time.

Riley and Tyler came tearing out of the house. “What the fuck?” Riley shouted. “Jessica, stop chasing him!”

Considering we were actually just running in circles around the car, it did seem pointless. I came to a stop, breathing hard. “He tried to steal my vacuum.”

I saw Riley and Tyler exchange a look, both clearly trying not to laugh.

“David, go home before I beat your ass,” Tyler told the guy.

“He lives next door,” Riley explained.

“Your bitch is crazy,” David said, shaking his head.

“That’s right,” I told him. “Batshit crazy. So stay out of our yard.”

Feeling like I might cry, and not wanting to lose it in front of an audience, I leaned in the car and grabbed another box, ignoring everyone as I carried it into the house with as much dignity as I could manage on a day like I was having.

“That was cool,” Jayden told me when I shifted past him in the doorway. “You’re a baller.”

Awesome. “Thanks.”

“I guess I’m not the only one with a temper,” I heard Riley say. “The only thing that would have been better would have been if she had tackled him. I would have paid money to see that.”

“You don’t have any money!” I yelled over my shoulder.

Riley laughed.

I stayed up later than I should have, but I was edgy, anxious. Riley was already asleep when I came to bed, climbing up the waterbed from the bottom so I wouldn’t disturb him. I had been staring at the TV for the last two hours and texting with Rory, though I didn’t tell her about my parents. I didn’t want to talk about it. I’d never been one who dealt with stuff by discussing it endlessly.

Riley stirred. “You okay?” he murmured.

“Yeah.” I was pretty sure I was okay, even though I felt agitated. That was normal, I would guess, when your whole world has changed. I had thought about not going to school, about seeing all my friends studying and going to class with their backpacks and me not being a part of that. About working at the restaurant an extra two or three shifts to pay the bills. About the fact that I didn’t even know what “the bills” constituted.

But mostly I had thought about me, my choices, and what I would do differently. Not from a place of regret or guilt, but an analytical viewpoint. But it was like a squirrel with a nut—I kept turning it all around and around and I couldn’t figure out how to crack the code on how to please everyone. If I made myself over to please my parents, I was miserable. If I apologized for being sexually active, then I insulted the choice of women to be in control of their bodies and I insulted myself. Maybe my dad was right—maybe I was trying to be a Christian on my own terms, but wasn’t that what being twenty years old was about? Figuring out what I believed, what my opinions were?

I couldn’t please everyone, there was no way to do that. But I could please myself.

That was my conclusion, and I knew what pleased me. Having the freedom to make my own mistakes, to learn, to grow, to become a better person. Being here, in this house, with this guy, pleased me. My friendships pleased me. My hoodie made me happy. It was all the simplest of things that mattered, and the future didn’t have to be decided tonight.

“Go back to sleep,” I said, slipping under the sheet and peeling off my T-shirt.

He rolled over and kissed my bare shoulder. “Mm. Sorry today was so rough.”

“Thanks. Thanks for being there.”

The air-conditioning unit hummed and I kept one leg outside of the sheet.

“So what is your number?” he murmured.

“What?” I frowned in the dark, not sure what he was talking about.

“You know, partners. What is your number?”

I went completely still for a split second. Then I exploded. “Are you freaking kidding me? How can you ask me that?”

I couldn’t see his face clearly in the dark room so I sat up and leaned over to the dresser and turned on the lamp.

“Ow, fuck,” he said, covering his eyes.

“Get over it. Answer the question—how could you ask me that, after what I went through today?”

“I’m just curious. You can ask me.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “I don’t want to ask you. I don’t give a shit. It has nothing to do with me. Whatever you did before me is your business, not mine.”

Going up on his elbow, he said, “Come on. You’re not even like a little bit curious?”

“Of course I’m curious. But again, it’s none of my business.” Why was that so hard to grasp? I didn’t want to know. It would be like a slippery slope into comparisons and jealousies. I had no desire to do that to myself. I put my back against the wall, wanting to be sitting up. The anxiety crawled up my neck like a spider.

“I don’t mind telling you my number.”

“Well, great, but I don’t want to hear it! And I’m not telling you regardless. The truth is, you know it’s more than one. You know it’s more than two. And anything more than that for a girl is getting into questionable territory according to the world we live in. What if it was ten? Twenty? Forty? What would you say?”

“Forty is a lot of guys to be fucking, that’s what I would say.” He looked appalled.

“See, that’s my point. Everyone has this number that they decide is too much, and what if I say a number and it’s past your magical line in the sand? Then what? I have to watch the respect drain away from your face?”

“It’s not forty, is it?” He looked like he actually might be sick. His face was white and he was swallowing hard.

“No. It’s not.” Truthfully, I wasn’t sure what it was. I didn’t stop and finger count. Each one had been taken for what they were and who they were, not a sum total of sexual parts. If I had to quick guess, I would say six or seven. “But it’s not two. I can’t re-virginize myself, Riley. I don’t even want to.”

“Is it less than ten?” he asked.

That was it. I got out of bed and pulled my T-shirt back on.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.” I was already tapping a text to Robin asking her to pick me up.

“You can’t leave. Where the hell are you going to go?” He jumped out of bed and tried to head me off.

I darted around him and grabbed my purse off the dresser. When he touched my elbow, I shook him off, his hot grip feeling violating. “Leave me alone.”

“Jess. Come on. Stay. Please.”

In the living room, I whirled around to face him. “You aren’t any better than my parents! You are judging me the same way they are, and that really freaking hurts!”

“I just get jealous, I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” He put his hands onto the top of his head, staring at a spot on the wall behind me.

I wasn’t going to be swayed by how amazing he looked in his boxer briefs, that damn demon tattoo moving as he moved his arms, the skull screaming down his side.

Anger and hurt coursed through me and I was breathing hard, my chest heaving. So I did the one thing I knew would hurt him as much as he had just hurt me. I held out my thumb and said, “Bill.” Then the index finger. “Tyler.” Another. “Adam.” I flipped backward through my college years and held up another finger. “Carter.” My pinky went out. “Dude whose name I don’t remember because I got super drunk at my first party at college.” Second hand thumb. “John.” Last one. “Matthew. He was my first at church camp. Yes, church camp. We were counselors. There, feel better now?”

“Not really,” he said, his jaw working and his nostrils flaring.

“I didn’t think so.” I was so angry I was fuming. “But now you know.”

He clearly felt the same way because without warning he picked up the lamp and threw it across the room. It hit the wall and shattered in an explosion of ceramic and glass.

I shrieked. “Riley!”

Tyler came rushing out of his bedroom. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Ask your brother,” I snapped.

“Dude, what the hell?” Tyler asked him, then looked at me. Pulling me back from the broken glass Tyler asked, “You okay?”

I nodded.

“Get your goddamn hands off her,” Riley said, taking a step toward Tyler, hands clenching into fists.

“Whoa.” Tyler looked at his brother in shock. “Take it down a notch, Riley.”

“I’m going outside,” I said, striding through the kitchen and shoving the back door open and plunking myself on the top of the picnic table, my feet on the bench. I checked my phone. Robin had answered.

For real? I can be there in 10.

Thanks.

There was a pack of cigarettes lying on the table and I picked it up and took one out. Cramming it in my mouth, I grabbed the lighter and flicked it on. I sucked hard, and immediately I got a bit lightheaded. Blowing it out, I took a shuddering breath and tried to calm down, the blood vessels in my head feeling like they were constricting in response to tension and nicotine.

The back door opened and Tyler came out. He looked at the cigarette and shook his head. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” I took another drag. It tasted like total ass, and the cloud rising in front of my face was hazy and stung my eyes, but I was feeling defiant. “What is he doing in there? He didn’t wake the boys up, did he?”

“Of course they woke up. Riley said he tripped on the lamp cord and they went back to bed. Now he’s cleaning up the mess and swearing up a blue streak. Then if I had to take a guess, he’ll go in the basement and lift weights for an hour, then he’ll start drinking.” Tyler sat down next to me. “What the hell happened?”

“Doesn’t matter,” I said, staring at the burning end of the cigarette. Amazing how quickly the paper could burn, without me even doing anything to it. “I called Robin to pick me up. She’ll be here any second.”

I half expected Tyler to try to talk me out of it, to suggest that I go into the house and work things out with Riley, but he didn’t.

“That’s probably the best thing for tonight. When Riley’s temper explodes, it’s better to give him space. He is like our father in that way.”

“I don’t think Riley wants to be compared to your father.”

“No, I’m sure he doesn’t. Doesn’t make it any less true. But the difference is, Riley doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. He just says things, and he doesn’t always think through how it will be taken, you know what I’m saying?”

So this was Tyler trying to tell me to go easy on his brother. “Just because he doesn’t mean to doesn’t make it hurt any less,” I said, handing Tyler the cigarette. I didn’t want it.

He took it from me and put it to his mouth. “True. But I have to tell you, Jess, Riley doesn’t let girls get close to him. He’s put himself out there for you.”

I looked at my feet, still bare from getting into bed with Riley. I needed to redo my pedicure. The paint was chipped. “I know. I’ve put myself out there, too. And Riley used that against me.”

The back door flew open, and Riley stood there, looking enraged. “We need to talk.”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Get in the goddamn house,” he said.

Like that was going to make me comply? I bristled. “Screw you.”

“Not tonight.”

That was so out of line, I grabbed the pack of cigarettes and threw it at him.

He caught it in his left hand.

I should have whipped the glass ashtray at his head instead. It would have been a lot more satisfying to knock him unconscious.

Headlights flooded the driveway and I hopped off the table, grabbing my purse. “I’ll talk to you later, Tyler.”

Tyler didn’t say anything.

I gave Riley a glare. “You, I don’t want to talk to at all.”

“Don’t walk away, Jessica, I’m not kidding.”

He started toward me and I ran.

Robin and I curled up on her sofa under a squishy comforter and drank chocolate milk, watching The Notebook. She was crying. I felt numb.

She was already living in the house that we had rented for the following school year with Kylie and Rory. The previous tenants, graduating seniors, were still living there, but Robin had the one empty bedroom that had belonged to an overachiever who already had secured a job in finance and moved into a trendy apartment.

My parents were supposed to pay for my portion of the rent once the fall semester started, but I had no idea if I was going to be able to manage that on my own now. I had figured I would let my friends rent my spot to someone else and I would stay with Riley, but how could I do that now?

I wanted to cry, but it was like the tears were trapped inside me, along with a scream of frustration. It was like my heart had actually been removed from my body and left back at Riley’s, beating on the kitchen table. I was feeling weird and morbid and not like me at all. Like I was so angry that it was smothering all my other emotions.

Robin hooked her arm through mine and leaned on my shoulder. “Do you ever wonder if you have any idea what you’re doing?” she asked, her voice melancholy.

“Um, yes, daily.” That was the problem. I was sure I had convictions, but I couldn’t figure out who I was supposed to be. Who I wanted to be. Who I could be.

Riley was blowing up my phone with “I’m sorry” and asking to see me. I wasn’t answering. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to explain that what he had done had seemed like a huge betrayal. That I had spent my life seeking approval, and never getting it, and I needed it without question from him. I needed to trust that he not only loved me and was attracted to me, he liked me.

“I did something awful,” Robin said in a small voice, her eyes red and weepy, hair falling out of her sloppy bun.

Looking at her curiously, I said, “What?”

She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. But I’m wondering if I even know myself at all.”

“You do,” I reassured her. “But we all fuck up sometimes. It’s okay. You just have to forgive yourself.”

“We need to forgive other people, too,” she said, giving me a long look. “Stop being so angry all the time.”

That was a direct hit at me. I knew there was truth to it.

Anger was an easy emotion to control. It was a powerful one. It didn’t allow you to be passive or dominated or hurt. You couldn’t be vulnerable if you were lashing out at someone.

Yet it also kept me from ever reaching that place of trust I was looking for, the place I was demanding Riley arrive at, without me.

But if I opened up that box I tightly kept my emotions, in who knew what might come spewing out?