Sweet Ache

Epilogue

HAWKIN

“You didn’t have to come here with me,” I tell her as we stand at the nurse’s station. I look over at her, blond curls piled on top of her head, pink lips, hand in mine, and fuck, I just stare. She’s absolutely gorgeous.

And I don’t understand why under these fluorescent lights surrounded by the medicinal smell, it hits me. I’ve looked at her hundreds of times before—naked, clothed, blushing, moaning, pissed, sad, sleepy, coming—and yet maybe it’s me that’s changed because right now as clichéd as it sounds, it’s like I am seeing her for the first time. When I brought her here before, I was trying to prove a point. She called my cards to the table, thought I was cheating on her, and little did I know that taking her to see my mom would shift my whole goddamn world off its predetermined axis.

But now, the first time I’ve brought her back here since that day, things have changed. I’ve changed.

Every woman is beautiful in some way or another, it just takes the right man to see it in them. I guess I’ve finally become that man now because when I look at her, I’m absolutely smitten.

And that’s a fucking scary thought for me.

But I’ve realized that the burdens I’ve carried on my shoulders for a lifetime weren’t mine to bear. Hunter and I will both continue to live with demons from the day our dad sealed his fate, but my brother’s problems are not mine to deal with. I can’t fix things for him anymore. Fuck yes it hurts having him out of my life, but looking at Quinlan I know how much more it would hurt if I hadn’t made it to her house in time.

His love is supposed to be unconditional but what I see in Quin’s eyes and know from the guys is ten times more absolute than I’ve ever felt from him.

She smiles softly at me, telling me with her eyes that she remembers what happened the last time we were here together, and that she was there for me then and will be here for me now. She reaches out and links her fingers with mine. “I know I don’t have to be, but one, you had to put up with my brother the other day. And most important, I want to be,” she says, answering my question. “I need to get all the time with you I can. You’re going to be gone for way too long. Like, three days before I join you in Seattle, and I’m gonna miss you like crazy … You’re going to be sick of me by the time your flight leaves.” She presses a soft kiss to my lips and I can’t describe the feelings that stir within me at hearing her say that.

With Hunter serving time now and my mom most likely not able to remember me, it’s such an incredible feeling to know someone here wants me home while we’re on this quick mini-tour.

“Hm, don’t think that’s possible,” I tell her, the stupidly silly grin on my face feeling strangely normal.

“You can go in now, Hawke,” Beth says as she walks back toward us, interrupting our conversation.

“Thanks.” I nod to her and take a deep breath, trying to prepare for the unknown that’s always prevalent during these visits. Our past few visits, just mom and me, have been uneventful, but it is still heartbreaking for me to love a woman who has no idea who I am. But I can’t leave town without seeing her. I have to say good-bye to her every time because if I didn’t and something happened, it would be my biggest regret.

Quinlan rubs a hand up and down the length of my back in silent reassurance as I turn the handle and enter her room. She’s sitting by her beloved window, staring at the world outside. I force a swallow down my throat as I step toward her cautiously.

“Mom,” I call to her gently as I let her see me standing there before I slowly lower myself into the seat in front of her.

“Hi there,” she says, a smile lighting up her face as she turns toward me. “My Joshy and I are going to have babies soon. Twins. And then you can call me that but for now I’m Helen. How do you do?” she asks me, extending one hand while the other hand rubs protectively over her nonexistent belly.

My heart squeezes and the smile is bittersweet on my lips as I see a glimpse of the mom I used to remember before the suicide. I reach out and take her hand, savoring the rarity of her gentle touch. “I’m well, thank you. Twins, huh?”

“Yes, two boys. I’m thinking Hunter and Hawkin after their grandmothers’ surnames but I’m not sure. I told Josh, that’s my husband”—she says with a beaming smile, her love for my dad so evident that the pang hits me, knowing now what he did to her. But I also find an odd sense of peace with the fact that they did in fact have a real love once. And maybe, just maybe, he realized it after he had strayed and couldn’t risk losing it—“that it’s a rather unique name, Hawkin, and do we really want to burden a boy with that? He said it’s a unique name because he’s going to make a name for himself with it one day. Only time will tell but I have no doubt he will be something, the way he kicks me.” She laughs softly, completely mesmerized with her love for her sons.

For me.

“I think Hawkin is a great name,” I murmur captivated, trying to fight back the tears welling in my eyes over a small piece of my prior life that I never knew. I’m filled with so many things right now, most of all gratitude for having this moment with her after all of the ones packed with spite. A little bit of the real her to hold on to.

“I do too. Kind of funny, though, when you think of it, Hunter and Hawke—predator and prey. One who attacks and one who protects. Hm. No matter.” She waves her hands in a gesture of irrelevance and I love getting the chance to hear her thoughts. “I love them dearly already. I can’t wait to hear them call me ‘Mommy’ someday.” The hope in her voice and excitement in her eyes overwhelm me so the word slips out before I can catch it and potentially ruin the moment and cause her confusion.

“Mommy.” It’s barely a whisper, and for a split second I freeze but when I see her face light up, I can finally breathe. I glance over to Quin who is standing by the doorway, observing from afar, a slight smile on her face.

“Exactly,” she says, not understanding the significance of what I said, that she just in her roundabout way told me she loves me. I feel a little more whole, a little less empty.

She glances over my shoulder at the clock on the wall, and pats at her hair. “I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me, but you need to be getting on your way now. My Joshua is taking me out for a date tonight and I need to get ready for him. Besides, you don’t want to keep that pretty lady of yours over there waiting,” she says, flicking her eyes in the direction of Quinlan. “Us women like to be paid attention to.”

“Yes ma’am,” I tell her, our eyes meeting for a beat, before I stand from the chair. And I can’t resist, something in her eyes, in the moment, has me squatting down in front of her. Her eyes narrow for a moment, but she doesn’t pull away from me when I reach out and place my hand on top of hers. “I think your boys are going to love you more than you’ll ever know. I think they already do.” I choke on my own words, on the emotion that clogs in my throat, and the need for her to know in the hopes on those days when her brain allows her to be present, she can carry the knowledge with her.

“What a sweet thing for you to say,” she says, angling her head. It takes her a moment but she slowly lowers her eyes to my hand on hers and then places her other hand on top of mine, sandwiching it in between her palms. We sit there for a beat, me absorbing the gentle and longed-for touch from my mother and recommitting it to memory.

She raises her eyes back up to mine and there is a clarity in the gray color that I haven’t seen in what feels like forever. In that moment our connection feels so real I almost believe she can remember me. I lean forward and press a kiss to her hand on top of mine, half expecting her to slap me, half not sure what to expect.

I keep my lips there for a beat, desperately wanting her to wrap her arms around me, pull me close, but know I have to take what I can get and this … this is ten times more than I’ve gotten in so very long. I just want it to last. But I know it won’t because she has a date with her beloved Joshy.

And the thought hits me that the date she has might have significance. That she might be communicating to me she knows her body is failing her. I hate the thought that creeps through my mind but I can’t shake it. Can’t get it out of my head.

I look up to my mother and say the words I need her to know, that I need to know I told her. “I love you, Mom. More than you’ll ever know.” I choke back the sob that tries to force its way out as all of the need for a mother’s love comes flooding back with a vengeance.

She gets the strangest look on her face, almost as if I’m crazy. “Oh, Hawke, don’t be silly,” she says, shooing me away, but I’m rooted still as her words hit my ears, as she tells me she remembers me. “You act like you’re not going to see me again. I’m just running to the store. You know I love you, you silly boy. To the moon and back.”

The tear leaks over and slides down my cheek, the smile tasting bittersweet on my lips as my mom gives me the only thing I’ve needed from her in the past five years. She may still think of me as a little boy in her mind but she’s just given me the greatest gift. She’s stitched closed the wounds in my soul with those simple words, made me the most complete person I’ve been in the longest time.

Has given me the capability and hope to love someone else.

I nod my head and selfishly force my feet to move, afraid if I stay too long she’s going to revert back and ruin this moment I so desperately needed. “Bye, Mom.”

“Mm-hmm,” she says and smiles softly before looking back out her window. I stare at her for a moment longer, memorizing this feeling I have, the lighter heart and clearer head.

Quinlan reaches over and links hands with me as I leave Westbrook for the first time with a fuller heart than the one I entered with. With each step we take into the parking lot I feel a rush akin to the one I get after being on stage. It’s a bittersweet emotion but shit, I’ll take it. I’ll take anything that doesn’t leave me with that churning in my gut.

Once we reach my car, our hands still linked, it feels like there’s so much possibility stretched out before us that I’m looking forward to the tour now. I’m excited to be trapped on a tour bus with Quinlan.

Damn. The thought takes hold as I look over and meet her eyes and that fucking jolt hits me just as hard as it did the first time I laid eyes on her. I’m riding my high of the present and possible future. Hell if I’m waiting for the tour bus when everything I want is right in front of me.

I pull her into my arms, lift her feet off the ground, and I’m already spinning her around when my lips meet hers to quiet her laugh.

Rocker trumps everyone when it comes to her.

QUINLAN

Hawke moves inside me.

My head drops back and his hard cock slides against my tensed muscles to heighten the pleasure starting to rock my world. The piano keys fill the room with a mangled sound when our bodies hit against them, my feet and his thighs.

We move at a demanding pace yet there is an underlying tenderness to it that resonates within me. Even if he tied me up and blindfolded me it wouldn’t hold a candle to how much he owns me, mind, body, and soul, right now. His intensity, his reverence, his rough edges turned smooth just for me pull on so many emotions that I can’t process them right now. I’m so overwhelmed, consumed by him, and saddened that he’s leaving in a matter of hours and I’m just not sure how I’m going to cope with him thousands of miles away even if it’s for just a few days.

I push it all away. Allow the moment to exist, the emotions to flow, and the pleasure to pull us into its addictive haze. It’s only us, only him, only this, and hell if that doesn’t make me the luckiest girl on the face of the earth.

“Quin.” He calls my name in that liquid sex rasp of a voice at the same time he stills his hips. Our eyes connect, sensations tackling me from every angle as we sit in the silence of the room. It’s a fleeting moment because we’re both chasing the pleasure the other one is offering, but it’s enough for me to see what I need to see in his eyes, even if he’s unable to say it.

He leans forward and tempts my mouth, tongue fluttering, our moans expressing the pleasure we both feel. And then he begins to move again, to generate flashes of pleasure with his body that own my every nerve.

Hawke lets out a wild groan as he presses as deep as possible into me, strong hands holding on to my soft curves while he continues to drive us toward the razor-thin edge of desire. I want to close my eyes, succumb to the pleasure dragging me under, but our eyes are fused in an intimate conversation that’s just as intense as the union of our bodies.

“Hawke,” I moan, teeth biting into my lower lip, breath raw and ragged, errant notes filling my ears.

He flashes me a dirty smirk at the call of his name, as if I’m issuing him a challenge to bring me to the cusp quicker, harder, faster. He takes his hand from my hip to hold my neck for a beat before sliding his palm down between my breasts. Every ounce of skin he touches alights with an insatiable fire that I know only he can put out. A small reprieve in the onslaught of sensation—but I know it’s temporary because I can see his muscles tensing, can feel his dick swelling, and his restraint holding on like an unraveling string.

I shift my hips up, milking his cock in my own move that has him calling out my name in a curse the same time I begin to disintegrate, powerful shivers coursing through my body. I buck my hips, hands reaching out to hold him still because the pleasure is too much, too absolute, but I’m a second too late because Hawke’s head falls back as his hips buck wildly, dragging him over the edge with me.

The piano sounds a complaint to the two of us using it to make a different kind of music when Hawkin picks me up and carries me over to the couch in the studio. He sits down and then shifts us so that he’s lying down on it and I’m lying on top of him, my heartbeat trying to jump out of my chest and join his.

“Wow,” he says, blowing out a breath of satisfied exhaustion.

“You can say that again.”

“Piano, check!”

I laugh with him at our endless quest to mark off instruments as sex props. “What are you trying to do, kill me before you leave me?” I say off the cuff and then immediately fall quiet as it hits me that in a few hours he will be gone.

I try to push the sadness away, not wanting it in this moment, not wanting it to overshadow the good mood seeing his mom today put him in, but it still lingers.

“Uh-uh. Don’t be sad. C’mon,” he says, pressing a kiss to the top of my head and pulling me in closer to him.

“I know.” I shift to put my chin on his chest so I can look at his face. “I’m just going to miss you. Besides, I planted sexy panties all over your suitcase to find.”

“You did?” He laughs, eyes lighting up.

“Yep. You have to find them all and show them to me via text … and then once you show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” I explain with a devilish grin, pretty damn proud of myself for thinking up this one.

“Come again?”

“Already? Jeez … I know you’re good but that’s a supernatural recovery time,” I tease. Hawke just rolls eyes at me and begins to speak when I catch a glimpse of something on the inside of his wrist where there was nothing before. “What the …?”

I’m scrambling to sit up astride him, grabbing his wrist and turning it over so I can see his forearm. A freshly inked bright pink heart the size of a quarter looks back at me. I know my mouth is agape and my eyes are wide at the sight. I start to say several things but nothing coherent comes out.

I itch to reach out and trace it, make sure it’s real, but it’s pretty obvious that it is. And of course I suddenly feel horrible because I’m the reason he has it. “But you told me you’d never degrade your other tats by putting something meaningless …”

He looks at me oddly, and as I look back and forth between his eyes and his wrist, it feels like I’m missing something. “Look closer.”

It’s the only explanation he offers and I immediately lean in closer, noting that up close the outline is fuzzy. But then I realize it’s not fuzzy at all, rather it’s letters intricately curved as an outline. “Hawkin? W-what?” I sputter as I connect the letters to form words. My lips fall lax. My heart skips a beat. My soul sighs with hope.

The letters form a single saying: Make it count.

My breath catches as a smug smirk lights up his face. I still can’t speak and the astonished look on my face must be hilarious because he starts laughing at it. “Don’t you get it, Quin?” he asks me and I think that I do, I really do, but I want to hear it from him. Need to hear it from that desire-inducing mouth of his. “This is the next lyric of my life’s song. You’re the bridge, the chorus, the final chord. This heart,” he says, eyes softening and smile widening, “brought you to me. Was the catalyst that forced me to see so many things I probably otherwise wouldn’t have. This heart represents you, represents me, and is my promise to you that I’m going to make it count.”

The silence that echoes around us is deafening. My heart tumbles endlessly as the love I feel for this man surges to new heights. I start to speak and he brings his fingertips to my lips to quiet me so that he can finish.

“I know my life is crazy, unpredictable, and chaotic with tours, endless hours in the studio, crazy groupies, paparazzi, you name it…. I know that with your schoolwork and my music we’ll be apart some, but I don’t care…. I want to make this work any way we can because you’ve helped me find myself. I love the man you’ve brought out in me.” He shakes his head, his words stunning me silent but causing my heart to race. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fucked up, still have a sick mom and a whacked brother, but being with you makes it all bearable. I’ve done this all alone for so long that I didn’t know how lost I was until I found you…. And I don’t want to be alone anymore. I just want you, with all of your flaws, your mistakes, your smiles and giggles, sarcasm and bad habits, the way you play instruments, singing off key, everything. I just want you.”

The simplicity of the last line and the conviction with which he says it melts my heart. Simple terms that mean so much to me. I look at him, my bad-boy rocker who’s such a good man, and I know there is no one else I’ll ever want to be wanted by. Just him.

“Whew,” I tell him, my smile so wide I feel like my cheeks are going to crack. “And I thought you were going to say you just want me to be naked.”

He bursts out laughing, his fingers tickling over my ribs momentarily before he brings his lips to mine. “Oh, I definitely want a lot of that. I mean that’s a requirement of this thing we have here.”

“Oh it is, is it?”

“Mm-hmm,” he murmurs in that melodic way of his that turns me inside out. “Who else is going to be the star to my burst?”

I just shake my head at him and his ludicrous sweet tooth. “I thought I was the fruit to your loop?” I tease, loving the feeling of his hands on me, of our bodies pressed together, the feeling of his heart pounding so hard against mine.

“Sweetness, I’ll take you any way I can get you. All I want is to make it count, make this count, make us count.” He pleads with me like he’s making a case. And I don’t think he realizes that he doesn’t have to tie in my no regrets, make it count motto to convince me to pick him because there is no need.

This girl is already madly in love with him, tattooed pink heart and all.

And for some reason I’ve been so afraid to voice it, have held back the words on my tongue so many times. I was afraid that if I let him know how much I cared for him we would fall to the fate of my many other relationships. That the pushing-away defense mechanism that was ingrained in him would take over and I haven’t wanted to rock our boat.

But sitting astride him naked, hearing his confession, his reasoning, while he makes a case for me to choose him tells me how stupid I’ve been to wait. That he needs to hear it too. If he believes in us enough to permanently ink a tattoo when he’s only ever chosen symbols of all that he holds close, I know it’s time.

I can’t resist any longer. I lean forward and press a kiss to his lips as tears swim in my eyes. My heart swells with love for him and I need him to know. “I love you, Hawkin Play.”

He pulls back and now the tables have turned, his eyes are shocked wide and his expression becomes one of surprised enamorment. The image will be forever burned on my mind, the feeling ingrained in my soul.

“I’ve never fallen in love before, Quin…. I’ve never allowed myself to, but I know you are the only one I want to write the next song of my life with.”

I meet him halfway, fingers sifting through his hair, lips sealing our connection, hearts entwining with each other’s in a lazy decadent kiss teeming with emotion. He brings his hands to frame my face tenderly as he leans back and looks in my eyes, his breath still feathering over my lips.

“Love is nothing more than a meaningless word in a lyric until someone comes along and makes the music to bring it to life … and sweetness, you’re helping me make music for it, one instrument at a time.” The smile spreads wide on my lips, my body reacting to the thought of being played by Hawkin. I laugh softly and need to sate my simmering desire with another kiss, but he holds my face firm. My eyes flick back up to see a new intensity in his gaze.

“I love you, Quinlan.” He murmurs the words but to me it sounds like he is shouting them from the rooftops. And damn it feels good to know we’re both going into this on an open playing field with clear eyes, full hearts, glitches expected, and vulnerability exposed.

“Hey, Hawke?” My heart overflows with so much joy I can hear it in my own voice.

“Mm-hmm?” he murmurs, eyes locked on mine but dick stirring back to life beneath me.

I angle my head and a lascivious smirk turns up the corner of my mouth. “I finally know the answer to the question.”

“The question?”

“If it’s true you can play my body like a guitar.”

He shifts his body some so that he can look at me better, and I love the mischievous smile that lights up his face. “Hmm,” he murmurs as he runs a finger up and down my arm, my body reacting instantly. “So?”

“Well, you sure know how to pluck my strings right,” I say, brushing a soft kiss against his lips that garners me a low hum.

“And?”

“You can make my body sing,” I say, the smile that comes to my lips so natural it’s ridiculous but feels so good.

“We do make beautiful music together,” he says with a snicker.

“Oh God!” I roll my eyes and laugh, breaking the moment. “That was totally corny.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” He leans up and presses his lips to mine. When he lays his head back down, our eyes meet, and there’s something in them that makes my heart beat faster. “I have a bet for you.”

“I thought you swore off bets?”

“Yeah, but there’s no chance in hell I’m gonna lose this one.” He raises his eyebrows in challenge, mouth spread in an arrogant smirk.

“You’re so sure of yourself considering you lost the last one.” I trail my finger up and down his collarbone as if our bodies lying on top of each other weren’t enough of a connection.

“I may have lost in one sense, but I sure as hell won what matters.” And I know he’s just trying to butter me up for whatever bet he wants to make, but it doesn’t stop the ridiculous hitch in my breath from the sentiment.

“Lay it on me, rocker boy.”

“Blind bet,” he asserts and just puts his finger against my lips when I start to disagree. “Loser gets a pink heart on the inside of their wrist in Bent fashion.”

“Hawke …” I look at him as if he’s crazy despite the small thrill that just courses through me over the thought that not only does he love me, but he considers me one of the guys. That’s pretty damn cool. “What are …? I don’t … You already have one! That’s not fair.”

“Agree? Yes or no,” he says, continuing with his little display of authority, which is kind of hot.

I narrow my eyes and stare at him, knowing full well I’m going to agree despite not knowing the terms of this bet. When I don’t respond quickly enough for his liking, he starts tickling me.

“Stop! Stop!” I cry out and try to wriggle away from him to no avail.

“Agree, then.” He laughs.

“Okay! Okay! I agree!” And the minute the words are out of my mouth, he stops his tickle torture.

Our residual laughter fills the room as we both take a second to catch our breath. “I knew you’d see my way of thinking.” When I just roll my eyes, he continues. “So, loser gets a pink heart, right? You get one or I make mine bigger. Agreed?”

“Yes.” I nod my head cautiously.

“Sweet. I guess we better get a future appointment lined up for you with Sledge, then,” he says, making a show of smacking his hands together and rubbing them back and forth in triumph.

“Wait! You’re already declaring victory and I don’t even know the bet yet!”

“Yep!” He falls silent to torture me on purpose.

“The bet, Play …” My patience is waning.

“You have your career to build and we have so much more to experience together first, so not in the immediate future …” He pauses, and we stare at each other for a beat as that slow, shy smile I love lights up his face. “But I bet you that you’ll say yes.”

“Say yes?” What is he talking about? “I say ‘yes’ all the time, so you’re going to have to be a little more specific. Say ‘yes’ to what?” And as the last comment falls from my lips, it dawns on me just what he’s saying to me. The lump forms in my throat instantly, followed by goose bumps blanketing my body. My mind tries to catch up with my heart, but for the first time in forever I don’t want it to. I want to live in the moment. I search his eyes, the emotion in them giving me an answer way before he speaks.

“When I ask you to marry me.”

It’s funny. I figured this was what he was going to say, but hearing it out loud still causes my heart to skip a beat. My smile is so wide my cheeks hurt. “That’s a good question,” I murmur with a calm composure that completely contradicts my racing pulse and overload of happiness.

He pulls me tighter against him, and I hum in contentment as I settle into the comfort of him, knowing the answer I’ll give when the time comes, without a doubt in my mind. It may be a long time off, and we might have more sour notes to face along the way, but Hawkin Play has definitely claimed my heart.

And then it hits me. I snap my head up and look at him as if he’s crazy. “Wait a minute. You’re betting me that I’m going to say no?”

“Took you long enough.” He laughs and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Gotta hedge my bet somehow and your reaction just let me know that I’m going to win this one hands down.”

He stops my sigh of exasperation by pressing his lips to mine. It’s so easy to slip into the kiss with him, so damn natural I feel like everything that has been lacking in my love life for so long finally clicks into place.

And I know that bet or no bet, it doesn’t matter, because this man has wrapped himself around my heart, and I don’t ever want to let him go. I can’t wait to see our future unfold.

Note by note.

Beat by beat.

Song by song.

Instrument by instrument.