The Black Sheep’s Baby

Chapter 15

H e drew her to the bed and they sat together on its edge, hands clasped, like children about to embark on a wondrous and terrifying adventure. Her eyes were brilliant, like emeralds, like diamonds, never leaving his as she picked up the edge of her black turtleneck and slowly drew it up and off.

As each slender inch of her body revealed itself to him, his hands touched her there, and he felt the soft skin of her belly and ribcage roughen with goose bumps. Her bra was black lace, stark against the ivory of her skin…translucent, like the insides of some shells. Reverently, he cradled the warm weight of her breasts in his hands, bent to kiss the sweet cleft between, the shadowy blush of her nipples-inhaling the citrus scent of her skin and tasting fabric and woman as he made both of them warm and wet in his mouth, then cold and shivering to hardness when he left them. He felt her gasp, and her breathing grow sharp and shallow.

He raised his head and looked at her. Her arms were still upraised and her hands fumbled, trembling, in the fastenings of her hair. Without saying anything, he gently pushed her hands away and usurped that task for himself. He plunged his fingers into the rich warm masses of her hair, letting them burrow without thought or plan to guide them, simply reveling in the sensual joy of touch. He kissed her the same way, and she him, in mindless, uncaring ways. The warmth, the feathery touch of mouths, the sharing of quick, rapturous breaths was enough for then. For the moment. He was in no hurry, and neither was she. He felt a sense of timelessness, of rarity, of awe, like being privileged to witness a comet that appears once in a millennium.

Though it was his first time making love to her, there wasn’t the nervousness and fear, the excited urgency of other first times he remembered. He thought it was because it was also the first time he’d made love with love. He felt no need to be a virtuoso, no pressure to achieve a particular level of mastery or skill. It was enough for him just to love her, and everything he felt for her, give to her with his body, his eyes, his mouth, his hands.

And maybe also because, though it was his first time with her, the excitement and awe of that were tempered with sadness, and his joy with the aching awareness that it must also be the last time. He wanted to cherish and savor the moments he had with her now…as if he could somehow make them last forever.

She reached with her hands to lift the edge of his shirt, nudging it upward as her hands slid inside and rose along his ribs, fingertips finding deeper muscle where torso flared into back. He stopped kissing her in order to oblige her by pulling the shirt the rest of the way off, and when he would have resumed that breathless activity, she held him away with a hand, fingers spread wide across the middle of his chest while she drank in the perfection of his body with her eyes. It seemed perfection to her, the symmetry of his collarbones, the sweet way muscle clung to bone, the arrangement of hair in the center of his chest and around his nipples. Except for his arms and throat, his skin was fair, undamaged by sun, and blushed here and there with fever spots. Fascinated by them, she lowered her head and kissed each one, and felt his gasp, the thumping of his heartbeat against her lips. She felt his hands come to touch the sides of her head, lightly, as if he were bestowing a blessing, and he held his breath and shivered. She felt something inside herself rock with a strange quaking, somewhere between laughter and sobs.

Gently, so gently, he eased her down. Her eyes closed; rapture danced behind her eyelids when she felt his mouth, warm where she was cool, his hair a tickly coldness on her own fevered places. They undressed each other; what did it matter how, or in what order? She felt weightless, effervescent, her body no more hers to govern than if she’d been a kite riding on a storm wind. She had no purpose, no identity, no yesterday or tomorrow; her world was only in this moment; she existed only where he touched her.

But there was no part of her he did not touch! His touch was everywhere, first his hands-long, sensitive fingers guiding, stroking, boldly opening, preparing. Then his mouth-enticing, teasing, intoxicating, enthralling. His touch was stunning in its sensuality, rousing in her responses she’d never known herself to be capable of. Once reserved, now she was earthy and abandoned. She had no inhibitions, no shyness. She found herself opening to him without reserve, moving with and for him, and every part of her body his to touch, to kiss, to explore.

And there was such reverence in his touch, an almost worshipful awe. Everywhere he touched her body, touched her soul, her heart, her spirit, too, and when at last he sank himself into her body, she felt profound relief and over-whelming joy, as if until that moment she had never been whole.

She opened her eyes, and it was like seeing the sun for the very first time. His eyes gazed down at her, glowing with a rapturous light that warmed and softened his gaunt and craggy features, and it seemed to her the most beautiful face she had ever seen. She smiled, but didn’t speak; she was too full of feeling for words.

He smiled, too, and for a long time they simply looked at each other, eyes filling with tears that were only emotions neither dared voice. Then Eric slowly lowered his mouth to hers; their fingers laced together as if from long and tender habit. Their bodies rocked slowly together as one body, without urgency or strain, and Devon felt herself softening, swelling, opening…like a bud ripening into a flower. The sensation was so exquisite, so beautiful, she smiled inside his smile, and tears squeezed beneath her eyelids. Her completion came, not like an explosion but like a blossoming, the unfolding of layers of petals, layer upon layer, growing and growing, until she clung to Eric, whimpering in fear and panic, sure her body couldn’t contain so much sensation.

Afterward she wept, and he held her so tightly she could feel his own rapidly beating heart, and murmured broken assurances into her hair. But she couldn’t tell him why she was crying. Couldn’t tell him she was sure such exquisite joy and beauty were not humanly possible, and therefore could not have been real, that it must have been a dream. That she wept because she knew with utter certainty she would never know such happiness again.

She awoke in his arms. He felt her lashes tickle his cheek before she stirred, and slyly said, “Good morning.” And laughed at her dismayed gasp, her sudden stiffening. “I’m teasing,” he whispered against her temple, “though it is morning-and Merry Christmas, by the way. You’ve only been asleep a few minutes. It’s still a long time until daylight.”

“I still should go.” Her voice was husky, her breath warm and humid against his shoulder.

“Not yet.” His heart lurched in denial of the inevitable, and he tightened his arms around her and cuddled her closer. At what point-was it after the second, or the third time they’d made love?-had they actually made it into his bed? Now, inside the tumble of blankets, they lay twined together like puppies.

“What if we fall asleep? What would your parents think?”

He laughed again, with less humor this time. “Are you kidding? I think my mother planned this from the beginning.”

She didn’t reply, and the silence lengthened while they listened to their pulses ticking against each other, growing louder and louder, like unsynchronized clocks. At last she said very softly, “Eric…are you regretting this?”

His arms tightened reflexively around her. He uttered a garbled, “No-” then cleared his throat and repeated it. “No-of course not. What made you think that?”

“You’re so quiet. I thought…”

He paused, feeling the ache come back into his heart, the sadness coming home to roost like the wintering sparrows in his mother’s barn. “I guess I was just listening,” he said.

“Listening to what?”

“The clock striking midnight.”

“What clock? I don’t hear-oh. Cinderella, right?” He felt her body relax with an exhalation, as if she were relieved to discover she knew the right answer to a question on a quiz. “You mean-”

“Back to the real world…”

She stirred restlessly, opening up space between them. The blankets seemed too warm, now-suffocating. “Eric…” Her voice was so small he had to hold his breath to hear her. “I can’t do what you want me to. I’m sorry.” It broke, and she shored it up with a breath. “I can’t remember what didn’t happen.”

“It’s all right,” he said, and discovered that it was true. He felt calm and quiet inside, now. His mind was clear, his course set, all decisions made. He had no more battles to fight.

“It didn’t happen. What Susan told you-I don’t know why she told you that, but it isn’t true. It just isn’t. I’d remember something like that.”

He murmured reassurances to her, his hand moving on her back in long, gentle strokes, as if he were comforting someone waking from a bad dream. She lifted her head and looked at him; her eyes were jewel-like in the dim light, and luminous with hope. “She’ll be all right, Eric. I want you to know that. My mom and dad will be good parents to her. She’ll have a good home. You’ll be able to visit her-your mom and dad, too, if they want to. We can work it out…”

“I know,” he said gently, soothing her. “It’s all right…it’s going to be all right.”

“Merry Christmas…Merry Christmas!”

The greetings flew back and forth across the yard like snowballs mixed with laughter, accompanied by cold-flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes and hugs, and dogs hovering, circling, darting everywhere with wiggles and excited yips.

Devon had watched it all from the kitchen window- Mike and Lucy hurrying down the steps and across the yard as a maroon SUV pulled to a stop beneath the leafless oaks, car doors opening, three people getting out-a tall, very attractive man with dark hair, graying at the temples, and two women, both also tall, both also very attractive. One, older but still slender and youthful, had long silver-blond hair worn in a ponytail, pulled straight back from a classic oval face and caught at the back of her neck with a red velvet bow that matched her red holiday sweater and red and green plaid skirt.

The other-and Devon caught her breath, because this could only be Eric’s cousin, Caitlyn-defied such easy description. Even dressed in the nondescript casual, even scruffy way popular with Generation X-ers, with pale chin-length hair in spiky disarray, she was still breathtakingly beautiful. And there was something unconventional about that beauty-an ethereal, almost magical quality impossible to define. Her silvery eyes and full mouth seemed too large for her heartshaped face and delicate chin, and yet her smile was simply incandescent. Though thin to the point of appearing frail, she moved with such grace that her feet seemed barely to touch the ground, and when Eric swept her up in a hug and swung her around, Devon whimsically thought of gossamer wings shimmering, iridescent in the weak winter sun.

She felt a stab in the vicinity of her heart and pressed her hand against her chest, though she knew the pain wasn’t physical. It’s jealousy. I’m jealous… And how irrational is that, she thought, when I have neither right nor reason?

But she was. As she watched them talking together, heads leaning close, she knew that she was jealous of Eric’s relationship with his cousin and childhood friend. Jealous of the easy intimacy between them, the familiarity that came of a lifetime of friendship, of shared memories.

Out in the yard, Caitlyn slipped an arm around Eric’s waist; her face, lifted to his, was earnest, her beauty dampened now by the gravity of her features. Eric was smiling his crooked smile as he dropped his arm across her shoulders and gave her a quick, affectionate squeeze. And the pain in Devon’s heart became an all-over ache of longing.

It’s all right. It’s going to be all right.

Eric’s words, spoken in the quiet of night in the intimacy of his bed, came into her heart like a searching finger of sunshine, and she felt a small shiver of hope. When this is over, she thought. When the custody issue is settled, maybe then. Maybe it’s still possible. Anything is possible, isn’t it?

I hate this, she thought, with a momentary surge of anger. I hate being like this. If this is what falling in love is about-so much doubt and uncertainty, so much vulnerability and fear-I don’t want it. I want myself back!

Just that quickly, the anger was replaced by fear. What if I never get the old Devon back, she thought. What if this is going to be me from now on? Her hand touched the cool glass of the window pane. Oh, Eric. What have I…what have you done…to me?

There was a clatter of stamping boots and slamming doors on the back porch, and a gust of cold, damp air swept into the warm kitchen. With a smile firmly in place, Devon turned to meet the newcomers, while outside Eric and Caitlyn walked on together, shoulder-to-shoulder, under the skeleton trees.

“Everything’s in there,” Caitlyn said. The envelope passed quickly from her hand to Eric’s, and from there to the inside of his jacket. “Passports, social security cards, driver’s license. It’s an Arizona license, by the way-your hometown is Prescott. What about money?”

“I have enough,” Eric said. “Enough to get us settled.”

“What’s your bank?” He told her, and she nodded. “They’ll have branches everywhere. You’ll need cash. As soon as the banks open tomorrow, stop at one and withdraw everything you can, then destroy your old IDs. When you get where you’re going, you can open a new account with your new ID-okay?”

“Got it.” His voice felt like gravel, like broken glass.

“You’ll need to be ready. And watching. If the driver sees a light on in your bedroom window, he’ll wait fifteen minutes, that’s all. You’ll have to take Emily and whatever else you can manage to carry and get yourself down to the road.”

“Understood.” He’d stopped walking to gaze over her head, frowning at nothing. She stopped, too, and put her hands on the front of his coat.

“Eric-if you change your mind, all you have to do is leave your light off. Don’t keep the rendezvous. It’s that simple.”

He shook his head and grimaced in pain; his throat ached and his jaws felt cramped. “Don’t have much choice, do I?”

“You always have choices,” Caitlyn said softly.

He shifted his shoulders as if settling himself under a burden. “No-I’m doing the right thing. I know I am. It’s just…” He took a breath and laughed with the pain. “I didn’t know it was going to be this hard.”

“Leaving here, you mean? Your folks?”

“Yeah, that, too…”

“You don’t mean…Devon?”

He tried to smile. “It’s ironic, isn’t it? I’ve been all over the world and never found the right woman, and she goes and shows up here, of all places-on my mom and dad’s doorstep.”

“Oh, God, Eric…”

“It’s like I said on the phone. I never really appreciated what I had here,” he said quietly, squinting over her head. The day was turning overcast, but his eyes burned. “You know that-I couldn’t wait to get away. Lately, though, I’ve actually been thinking about living here. Not full-time-maybe like a base between assignments, you know?” He threw Caitlyn a rueful, sideways grin. “I’ve even thought about living here with Devon-raising kids…Emily…a few more of our own.” And he laughed at the incredulous look on her face. “Hey, it’s a fantasy.”

“Do you think she ever would?” Caitlyn’s voice was hushed with astonished disbelief. “She seems so…”

Eric shrugged, and his smile slipped sideways. “Not that it matters now. Hey-come on.” He dropped an arm across her shoulders and turned her back toward the house. “It’s time you met the woman who’s changed my life.”

The family was gathered in the parlor again. The massive Christmas meal had been eaten-some of it; the rest, except for the desserts, left out to tempt and entice, had been packed in Tupperware containers and freezer bags and put away. The chores had been done early. The forecast was for snow, though not a blizzard this time, and no one seemed particularly concerned about the roads.

As evening came they all drifted, one by one, into the parlor, Mike and Lucy, with Emily in her arms, taking the recliner; Wood and Chris snugged up with Devon on the couch, friendly as family; Eric across the room on the piano bench and Caitlyn cross-legged nearby on the floor. They’d sung carols again-a great many of them, with Wood’s and Chris’s and Caitlyn’s strong voices making a real chorus of it, and though she wasn’t needed, Devon joined in when she knew the words.

Sleep in heavenly peace…

The last notes of “Silent Night” died away, along with Lucy’s misty sniffles, and it occurred to Devon that there was a kind of quietness inside herself, now, that might be called peace. All things considered, it had been a good day, a pleasant day. She’d met Caitlyn, and wonder of wonders, found that she liked her. She liked Wood and Chris, too-they were all such warm, open-hearted people, these Lanagans and Browns, it would have been hard not to like them. The tension and turmoil of the past few days seemed to have disappeared, though outwardly Eric was as distant as before. But today she carried with her memories of the night they’d shared, and sometimes when she looked at him and found his eyes on her, glowing like warm brandy, she knew he was thinking of it, too.

It’s going to be all right. He’d said those words to her with such calm, such certainty, as if he knew something she did not, and she clung to them now like a talisman.

Once again it was time for opening presents. Most were the gifts exchanged between the two families, of course, but to Devon’s astonishment, there were two more for her, as well-a tiny gold angel on a chain from Chris and Wood, and a book of inspirational essays from Lucy and Mike. Chris and Wood and Caitlyn all thanked Eric for his e-mailed gift certificates to an on-line bookstore. Then Caitlyn held up a glossy gift bag decorated with teddy bears.

“This is for the wee one,” she said, lifting it up to Eric.

He leaned to place the bag at Lucy’s feet. “Here, Mom-you’ve got the kid.”

But Lucy handed it on to Devon, saying, “Why don’t you open it, dear? I’ve got so many…”

With an apologetic glance at Caitlyn, Devon placed the bag on the floor between her feet. Caitlyn smiled and nodded. Devon lifted the concealing pouf of tissue paper out of the bag. Slowly, then, she drew the plump yellow bear out of its tissue paper nest and placed it on her knees.

The room around her grew silent, the people in it faded to shadows. Of their own volition her fingers crept to the bear’s back and found the small key they somehow knew was hidden there. She turned it and the tinkling notes of a familiar lullaby filled the room.

Someone in the happy babble of voices was saying, “Devon, what is it? Is something the matter?”

And from a great distance she heard her own voice reply, with a laugh as small and light as the notes from the music box, “My sister Susan used to have one just like this…”

Memories don’t have to be big, you know. They can be anything-a smell, a song, a particular toy, a moment.

Devon lay awake in the last cold darkness before dawn with those words echoing in her mind and the tinkling notes of a music box lullaby all around her like ghost music. A moment…

Please, Devon, don’t leave me…

She had woken from the nightmare, as so many times before, with Susan’s voice-the voice of the child Susan-ringing in her ears. Only this time, this time there were the images, too.

The suitcase, open on the bed, and Susan…eight years old, standing beside it…hugging her old scruffy yellow bear as if it were her last and only friend. Susan, with tears streaming down her face, sobbing, “Please, Devon, please don’t leave me…”

And then the rest. The part she’d forgotten. The part she couldn’t let herself remember. “…don’t leave me here with him. He hurts me, Devon. He hurts me…”

She thought it strange, as she lay drained and heavy in the darkness, that she should feel so calm. It seemed to her it should happen more dramatically than this, remembering things so terrible, forgotten for so long. She thought of movies she’d seen-T.V. dramas involving shrinks and hypnotists and emotional trauma. I should feel something. But the memories were of things that had happened to someone else, some other little girl, some other life. All she felt was a cold and well-remembered self-loathing, an icy, crawling sense of shame.

I have to tell Eric, she thought, as the first gray light came to thin the darkness. I have to tell him he was right…about Emily, about Susan… About everything.

Part of her ached for the warm and comforting presence of his body, of his strong arms and gentle words. It’s going to be all right. Another part of her-the biggest part-shrank from those memories, the memories of her uninhibited self, of her body so pliant and willing in his sensitive hands, his beautiful, incredible mouth, their bodies twined together as one being.

How can I face him now? She recoiled from the thought.

Somehow, though, she found the strength to rise, to walk to the door and open it. Her legs felt strange, wobbly, as if she were using them for the first time after a long illness. Her heart lumbered in her chest with such violence she wondered how she could even stand. She wondered if she would throw up.

Trailing her fingers along the wall to steady herself, she moved down the silent hallway. The floor was cold on her bare feet. At the door to Eric’s room she closed her eyes…and summoning all her strength, raised her hand to knock. She knocked with one knuckle, then paused to listen. She knocked again, then quietly turned the knob and opened the door.

A moment later she was flying down the hallway, heart banging, pounding with the flat of her hand on Mike and Lucy’s bedroom door, all thought of stealth forgotten.

The creaking of the stairs warned her. She spun around, trembling, both hands behind her gripping the doorknob for support as Mike and Lucy came toward her, close together, leaning on each other, looking years older, suddenly, and terribly sad.

“Is Emily with you?” she gasped, knowing the answer.

“They’re gone,” Mike said gently. He held something toward her-a folded sheet of paper, and she saw that Lucy was holding a similar one in her hands, this one unfolded. Her face was shiny wet with tears. “Eric’s gone, Devon. He left this for you.”