The Brass Bed

11

They had Kirby’s funeral, but I didn’t go. The morning of the day the funeral was held, Harvey came into my room at the college and asked if I was going, and I said that I wasn’t.

“You actually aren’t?” he said. “I’d have sworn that you’d feel compelled to go.”

“Why?”

“Well, because of Jolly, of course.”

“I can’t see that Jolly has a damn thing to do with it. It isn’t Jolly who’s being buried.”

“I know that, old boy. However, when you come right down to it, it’s more her show than Kirby’s because she’s chief mourner and all. Don’t you think she will be depending on you to come see it?”

“No, I don’t. And if I were there, she’d probably never see me.”

“With all the people and relatives around, that would probably be so. I see your point, Felix, and there is certainly little sense in your going. Moreover, even if Jolly learns that you didn’t attend, I doubt that it will distress her much. I’m convinced that her role of chief mourner is a routine part that she doesn’t really have her heart in.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Oh, well, we may as well be honest about it. With all due respect for the dead, you’ll have to agree that Kirby wasn’t exactly the type that anyone would be likely to mourn excessively.”

“How about you? Are you going to the funeral?”

“I? By no means, old boy. What I intend to do this afternoon, to tell the truth, is to go to a French movie which is supposed to be quite lively and funny. Would you care to come along?”

“I don’t believe I would.”

“No? I’m sorry to hear it because it would be a pleasure to have you. Well, perhaps another time, old boy. Goodbye, now.”

“Goodbye, Harvey.”

He went away, and I did some work on some papers, and the papers had been written by the students in my class and were mostly pretty bad. It took quite a long time to finish them, and it was about two in the afternoon when I left. I went outside and down the steps to the walk, and Fran was sitting there on a stone bench in the shade of a high hedge. I was surprised to see her and stopped in front of her.

“Hello, Fran,” I said. “What are you doing here?”

“If you want to know,” she said, “I’ve come to see you.”

“I was certain you’d be going to Kirby’s funeral.”

“No. I’m not going. Why were you certain that I would?”

“I thought Jolly might want you to be with her or something.”

“Oh, nonsense, Felix. Jolly will manage perfectly well without me, and it is only a matter of going through the accepted formalities with Kirby and getting them over with.”

“I was talking with Harvey a couple of hours ago, and he seemed to have the same impression.”

“Well, it is surely apparent to you above all people, Felix, that Jolly did not consider Kirby essential to her happiness.”

“She considered his money essential.”

“That’s something else altogether. Jolly is a very sensible person and naturally recognizes that it is imperative to be comfortable. However, as I say, Kirby and his money were two entirely different matters and have now been separated.”

“Yes, they have. They certainly have.”

“That remark had quite a nasty sound, Felix, and I would like to know what you mean by it.”

“Just what I said. Kirby and his money have been separated.”

“Oh, well, if you are determined to be sly and deceptive, I’m sure there is nothing I can do about it, and I didn’t come here to quarrel with you but to ask you to please do something at once about Jolly.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Must you be obtuse, as well as sly and deceptive? Of course you know what I mean. You know perfectly well that Jolly loves you; she would now like to resume her relationship with you without the handicap she previously had. I won’t go so far as to say she may have given old Kirby a push out of the boat, but regardless of that, I must say frankly that you have been a failure at taking advantage of the opportunity that has resulted.”

“Am I a disappointment to you?” I asked her.

“Yes, you are, and that is what I have come to talk with you about.”

“How did you know I wouldn’t be going to the funeral?”

Fran shrugged. “I thought it likely that Kirby wouldn’t be much of an attraction for you. I went around to your place and was told that you were here at the college so far as anyone knew, so I came here and waited outside your building on this bench, as you see, and now, in order that we may talk comfortably, I suggest that we go down to the Kernel on the Corner.”

“The Kernel on the Corner? What’s that?”

“Why it’s a place where you can buy beer and have all the popcorn you can eat given to you in a bowl. It’s right on a corner, as the name implies, and it’s quite a nice place if you like beer and popcorn. Hadn’t you ever heard of it?” she asked incredulously.

“No, I hadn’t. Never.”

“Perhaps, being a teacher and interested in things like poems by clerics, you don’t get around much. As for me, I go many places, and this is one of the places I’ve gone. Will you take me there and talk with me?”

“If you like. I’ll even buy you some beer and popcorn.”

“It isn’t necessary to buy the popcorn. It’s given to you in a bowl.”

“Is the place far from here?”

“About two miles, I think. Do you have your car here?”

“It’s down there at the curb.”

“Then there is no problem. We will drive down there and talk about what I have on my mind, and I will warn you in advance that I am rather angry with you for permitting Sid to become jeopardized.”

“Permitting Sid to become what? What the hell are you talking about?” I said.

“Never mind. I’ll explain it very carefully when we have reached the Kernel on the Corner.”

She stood up, and we went down to the Chevvie and got in. After a little coaxing, the Chevvie began to run, and I drove to the Kernel on the Corner according to directions supplied by Fran. It was a clean, plain place, and it was true about the popcorn. A man brought a bowl of it and put it on the table between us, and afterward brought cold draught beer in very large schooners.

“Do you approve of the beer?” Fran said.

“Yes. It seems to be excellent.”

“It seems so to me too. I have recently developed quite a taste for beer, as a matter of fact. I think it began developing when we had so much at the river.”

“We almost had a good time that day, didn’t we? It’s unfortunate that it was spoiled by what happened to Kirby.”

“Kirby was always spoiling something. It was part of his character.”

“Are you prepared now to tell me in what way I am permitting Sid to become jeopardized?”

“Certainly. You are permitting him to become jeopardized by doing absolutely nothing constructive about Jolly.”

“What am I supposed to do in your opinion?”

“Felix, I am positive that you are not so stupid as to need to ask that question seriously, and I consider it further evidence of your determination to be sly and unreasonable. It is clearly apparent that Jolly is not only end-over-elbows in love with you but also quite eager, now that the way is clear, to have you start doing something about it. The trouble is, you have done absolutely nothing and do not show any signs of beginning.”

“Even if I were inclined, it’s a little early, isn’t it? Unless they’ve pushed things pretty fast, Kirby hasn’t even been put away yet.”

“That’s very interesting, Felix. To hear you say that, I mean. It reveals a great deal about your character and explains why it is so seldom that you ever get anywhere with anything.”

“All right. I’m weak.”

“I’m sorry to say it, Felix, but that’s what you are, at least in this matter, and I would never have suspected it up to this time. On the other hand, Sid, of whom no one ever expected anything but foolishness, is behaving with a decision that is admirable, I have to admit, even though he is making a damn fool of himself in the process.”

“In what way is Sid behaving with decision?”

“Don’t you even suspect? Not at all? Well, it’s a fact that he has been silly about Jolly forever and is now making quite a bit of hay with her while you are procrastinating and doing little or nothing.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Nevertheless it is true. I am certain that he has been to bed with her at least once, and what bothers me about it is that Jolly does not love him and will only permit it a few times at most out of kindness and gratitude for Sid’s being so faithful and devoted and all.”

“Are you serious?”

“Of course I’m serious, Felix,” she said sharply. “Do you think I am talking only to hear my head rattle?”

“That’s carrying kindness rather far, even for Jolly, don’t you think?” I asked her.

“No. Not for Jolly. Jolly is definitely one of the kindest persons I have ever known, and most people would not believe how kind she can be.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Well, I called Sid very late the other night, which is something I often do because I am always worrying about him and looking after him, and he wasn’t at home, so I then called Jolly, and he was there. I talked to him and gave him hell for being out so late without letting me know where he was going and all, and the significant thing is that he was in his pajamas at that very time.”

“In his pajamas? How could you tell by talking to him on the telephone?”

“That’s very simple. There is always something in a person’s voice on the telephone that tells you whether or not he is in his pajamas, and I have found this to be infallible.”

“Oh, for God’s sake!” I banged down the schooner on the table.

“You may scoff if you like, Felix, but it’s true just the same, and out of consideration for your feelings I will not tell you what I learned from Jolly’s voice as to what she was or was not wearing.”

“Thank you for sparing me.” I tried to sound indignant.

“Well, the point is, as I said, it is only kindness on Jolly’s part, but Sid is a greedy little devil and will not be happy with a temporary thing, and it breaks my heart to think how miserable he will be when Jolly decides that he has been sufficiently humored, and he might even do something desperate, for he is far more sensitive than many people think. I am convinced, however, that he will suffer less if it is over sooner rather than later, and it is for this reason that I wish you would quit procrastinating and start making hay with Jolly yourself. You are the one she loves, and she is only being kind to Sid while she is waiting for you to do something.”

“With me it would be more than kindness. Is that what you think?”

“That goes without saying, Felix. Surely you understand that.”

“No, I don’t. I don’t understand anything or anyone. I don’t understand Jolly or you or Sid or even myself, and the only thing I do understand vaguely is that we are surely all crazy.”

“Nothing of the sort, Felix.” She shook her head, looking at me across the popcorn. “Jolly has told me that you don’t think at all clearly, and I must agree with her. As I see it, this is a very simple problem that can be solved very simply by your doing something instead of nothing.”

Not long ago I had stood on the gravel bar at the river and laughed because I couldn’t help it, and now I felt the same way and wanted to laugh the same way, but I prevented it by taking three grains of popcorn and chewing them slowly and swallowing.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “but I don’t feel that I can do as you ask.”

“Why not, Felix? It’s for your own good as well as Sid’s.”

“Is it? Anyhow, I can’t do it.”

“Very well. I can see that it’s no use insisting, and I won’t.” She looked into her schooner and saw that it was empty. “Will you have some more beer to go with the popcorn?”

“No, thank you.”

“The beer and the popcorn are both quite good, but they are even better together. Don’t you agree?”

“I agree, but I don’t feel like having any more.”

“In that case, it isn’t necessary for you to remain unless you want to. I have given up getting you to cooperate and now have nothing more to say.”

“Are you angry with me?”

“No. I was angry in the beginning, but now I’m not. I have merely given up.”

“Would you like me to take you somewhere?” I inquired tentatively.

“I think not. I intend to stay here until I’m sure Jolly is home from the funeral, and then I intend to go to her place in a taxi.”

“Perhaps I’ll see you later,” I said.

“Possibly,” she said. “It’s not at all unlikely.”

I left her. But I was going to see her again....