The Destiny of Violet and Luke

Chapter 5

Luke

I have a beer in my hand and a few shots in my system, building my safety net for the night. Without them, I’d feel like I was helplessly falling nowhere. I know it’s a dangerous road I’m headed down, especially because I’m a diabetic. There have been a few instances where I pushed my body’s limits and doctors have told me that if I don’t stop, I could end up dead. The problem is that living without alcohol is a life I can’t live.

It’s Saturday night and I’m checking my computer for listing of apartments for rent. As usual, nothing turns up, nothing affordable anyway. It’s the wrong time of year, summer break approaching, and all the college students are looking for places to live so they fill up quickly. If I had more money saved up, it’d be easier, but I don’t. I’m starting to debate whether I can look past my resentment toward my father and ask him if I can come live with him or at least stay at the beach house. But the idea of asking him for help, when I got so little of it growing up, makes me feel weak. I want him to have to work to be my father. I don’t know for sure how much he knows about what went on, but what I do know is that for years there wasn’t enough contact from him for me to even tell him. The only thing I can do is let the memories haunt my head, which they do pretty much every night when I close my eyes, unless I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, nothing is in my head.

I get a text as I’m shutting the computer. I pick my phone up off the desk and swipe my finger over the screen. It’s from Seth, Callie’s best friend. I sometimes hang out with him and his boyfriend Greyson, since they both like to party as much as I do.

Seth: R u going out tonight?

Me: Aren’t I always?

Seth: Where u headed?

Me: Probably to the Red Ink up on 6th street. Why? You got something planned?

Seth. Not yet. Red Ink, huh? You must be looking for a skank tonight.

Me: Tonight? Don’t you mean always?

Seth: You know, rumor has it you’ve been hanging out with the biggest skank on campus.

Luke: What? Who?

Seth: A bitchy roommate with a dragon tattoo on her neck. Goes by the name of Violet.

I scratch at my head, wondering where the hell he heard that from, but then it clicks.

Luke: Did Callie tell you that?

Seth: Well, she didn’t use those words per se since Callie would never use those words, but she said she saw you helping Violet around campus… what’s that about?

Luke: Nothing. I was just being a nice guy.

Seth: Since when r u a nice guy.

He has a point. I’m not usually a nice guy, but for some reason Violet momentarily brought it out of me. I’m not feeling like a nice guy right now though. I feel pissed off about my living situation and all I want to do is get trashed out of my mind and go find a girl to fuck so I can get rid of this feeling, like I’m falling into a bottomless pit.

Luke: I thought I’d try something different for a little bit.

Seth. How’s that going for you?

Luke: I think I’m deciding to quit it before it becomes a habit.

Seth: Good for u. U gonna do it cold turkey?

I shake my head. This could go on forever.

Luke: I’m headed out. R u and Greyson down or not?

Seth. Yeah, as long as we can get a cab. Neither one of us wants to be DD tonight and I’m doubting u do either, since u never offer.

Luke: Sounds good. Callie and Kayden coming?

Seth: They went out somewhere… I think up to that rock. They’re becoming obsessed with it and each other, lol.

Luke: Yeah… meet u out in front of my dorm in ten?

Seth: Sounds good :)

I check my insulin levels and grab my glucose tablets, just in case, then put my phone into my pocket and grab my key card and wallet. I toss my empty beer bottle into the trash and get another one out of the mini fridge, ready to get the hell out of here and start drinking even heavier. That’s what I love about spring and summer, when footballs not really going on and I’m free to get trashed as much as I like without having to worry about practice. It makes the noise and memories in my head just a little more bearable. It makes breathing bearable. Life bearable.

I started drinking when I was thirteen. I wasn’t with my friends or anything, just sitting at home after my mom had passed out on the sofa, not from heroin but from booze. She’d made me sit with her as she drank gulp after gulp, forcing me to hold her hand and coddle her like she was a sick person taking medication to numb the pain. As she started to doze off, she’d wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly against her, telling me that I would always be her little boy, and then sang a song to match her words. I hated when she did this, especially because I never felt like her little boy, even when I was seven. At that point in my life I knew our whole relationship was wrong, the things she made me do for her, like crush up her pills and the way she was always touching, but I was too ashamed to say anything and honestly I knew even then that nothing was ever going to change until I was old enough to get out of that damn house.

Finally, after holding me for way too long, she’d passed out into a deep sleep and I was able to slip out of her arms and be free for a moment. She’d left the bottle of whiskey out on the coffee table and I can remember sitting there, wondering what it tasted like, wondering why my mom needed to drink it all the time. So I picked it up and took a swig. The alcohol felt like it singed my throat and when it hit my belly it burned like fire. I was fascinated with the way it felt inside me, how the heat smothered out the wrong inside me, so I kept taking swigs until I passed out completely and for a moment, the wrong in me drifted asleep. After that, I’d always take a few drinks after she passed out and the more I did it, the more the rage and helpless feelings living in me became tolerable. And now I have a hard time functioning without it.

I’m about to head out when I get a call from my dad. I stare at my phone as it rings and rings, deciding whether I want to answer it or just silence his call. Finally, I hit talk and put it up to my ear, attempting to sound in a better mood than I am.

“Yeah,” I say, pressing the phone between my ear and my shoulder so I can unscrew the cap off the beer.

“Hey,” my father replies and there’s music in the background. “You answered.”

“Yeah, but I’m headed out so I can’t talk for long.” I tip my head back and guzzle a mouth full of beer, feeling the slightest bit better as it liquefies my throat.

“Oh, okay.” He sounds disappointed. “I was just calling to check in on you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my son and I worry about you.”

“Why? You didn’t when I was a kid. Why start now when I’m an adult?”

He pauses and the noise gradually gets quieter. Then I hear a door shut and silence fills the connection. “Luke, I know I haven’t been a very good father to you, but I’m trying to make that up to you now.”

I grit my teeth. “I’m twenty years old. It’s a little late to decide you want to be my father.”

“I’ve always wanted to be your father,” he says, nervousness creeping into his voice. “I just had a lot of stuff going on and I wasn’t in the right place to be a good father.”

“Well, I wasn’t in the right place to be without a father.” I head for the door, ready to bail out on the conversation because it’s getting a little too heart-to-heart for my taste.

“Luke, I’m sorry.” He sounds like he’s about to cry, which makes me feel a little bad for him but then I get pissed off at myself for feeling sorry for him. “If there’s anything I can do to make it up, I will.”

I pause with my hand on the doorknob, biting my tongue, arguing with myself over how much pride I really have. Then I think about going home to Star Grove with my mother, the house covered in plastic, her begging me to help her. It makes me want to puke. “There might be one thing that you could do.”

“Name it and it’s yours.”

I take a long breath. “You could let me stay at the beach house for the summer. I know you and Trevor are going to be there but I was hoping I could take one of the extra rooms or something.” Trevor is my father’s fiancé. I guess part of the reason why he left my mom was because he was struggling with the fact that he was gay. It took him years of drinking to finally accept that he was and come out to the world. It was about the time he reentered my life, but it was a little too late. Amy was already gone and I’d been around my mom enough that I only felt hatred for him for leaving me with her. I honestly don’t really know how I feel about our relationship now. Confused maybe. I mean, Trevor and him both seem like a nice guys but the fact that he left me to be responsible for shooting up my mother is what I’m most pissed off about.

He pauses long enough that I know he’s going to say no and I want to hammer my fist into the door, enraged with myself because I knew I shouldn’t have asked. “Luke… I’m so sorry, but Trevor and I are putting the beach house up for sale. We’re trying to get a house near work and we need a down payment.”

“Could I stay with you in your apartment then?” I almost sound like I’m begging and I grip on to the doorknob tighter.

Again he pauses way too long. “We only have a studio apartment right now and it’s overcrowded with Trevor’s art, but when we get the new place in a couple of months you can definitely come out and stay with us for as long as you want. We’d love to have you.”

I shake my head as my pulse pounds in my eardrums. I need to get out of here. I need a drink. I need to not have so much damn noise in my head. “Never mind,” I say, then I hang up. I let go of the doorknob, step back, and kick the bottom of the door hard enough that my boot leaves a dent in it. “Shit.” I press my hands to the side of my head, taking ragged gulps of air. Now on top of everything else, I’m going to have to try and explain to Kayden why it looks like a boot went through the damn door, although he has broken a few pieces of furniture himself.

I can’t take this anymore. I knew I shouldn’t have asked my father for anything. I wish I could hate him, then maybe it’d be easier to feel so much anger toward him.

I party with Seth and Greyson at Red Ink until around nine or ten, downing shot after shot, my dad and my approaching homelessness becoming a dwindling problem. When we’re pretty trashed out of our minds, we get a cab to drive to a house out in this town in no-man’s-land… Fairtown I think… because Seth heard there was going to be a “raging party.” When we get there, there are so many people it’s hard to even move through the house. I end up losing track of Seth and Greyson in the crowd, but instead of looking for them I head straight for the drink area in the kitchen.

After I slam down about five shots of Bacardi, I head for the living room where the couches have been shoved aside and the stereo’s booming some pop song. I’m not a fan of the music but it’s danceable and there’s some slutty-looking girls that are barely dressed, totally bangable and easy, at least from what I can tell—my vision’s a little distorted right now. But I’m only looking for a distraction to get me through the night, so I can fall asleep in peace, something I rarely do.

I make my way out there and a short curvy brunette instantly comes up and starts rubbing up on my leg. I blink my eyes until I can kind of make out her face and then figure she’ll do. I get behind her and she backs her ass up into me as we rock to the slow, sultry beat of the song. As she leans her head back, I sweep her hair to the side and slide my hand up to her rib cage as she tries to seduce me with her best seductive gaze. What she doesn’t get, though, is she doesn’t have to try. I’ll take her back to her place and fuck her, just like she’s hoping. I’ll give her what she wants and in exchange I’ll get a few moments of silence where I can be free from the reality of my life and all the twistedness inside me won’t feel so sickening.

“You smell really good,” she says, batting her eyelashes with her head tipped back against my chest.

“I smell like cigarettes and Bacardi,” I call out because she’s so full of it. The whole room smells like sweat and beer.

“Well, maybe I like that smell.” She bats her eyelashes at me again as she slips her hand behind her and starts to rub my cock.

It’s starting to feel really good when she starts doing this weird thing with her hips, then she spins around and strikes some kind of cat-clawing pose with her hands out in front of her. “I used to be a stripper,” she tells me, shimmying her hips.

“In Fairtown?” I don’t even try to hide my disgust. The town is pretty much a trailer park out in the middle of nowhere and I’m wondering if my drunk vision is making her seem a lot more attractive than she really is.

She nods her head, doing a little twirl and her hair whips me in the face. “Yeah, for like a year.” She starts to back up and then comes at me again, shaking her tits, which are big enough that they bounce up and down. Then she starts whipping her head around as she swings her arms out to the side.

Any possibility of me getting hard dwindles and I’m about to tell her I’m going to get a shot, so I can get away from the whole nasty stripper dance she’s got going on, when I hear laughter from behind me.

I glance over my shoulder and my heartbeat speeds up just a little. Violet is standing behind me, trying to restrain her laughter, her lips smashed together so tightly they’re turning blue. I haven’t talked to her since our McDonald’s trip, where we sat down and had lunch like we were a fucking couple or something, which we’re not because I don’t do relationships—get involved. But I’ve seen her around on campus. I’ve been trying to avoid her as much as possible, trying not to look her way, otherwise I’ll get drawn into whatever the hell is pulling me toward her. It’s been a struggle, though, and a couple of times I’ve even found myself drifting in her direction.

Now she’s the one who’s drifted toward me, and I like it that she’s here. I hate that she has that much power over me, that I’m feeling things for her… feelings I’m still trying to figure out.

I frown as she opens her mouth to say something. I’m sure she has some sort of snarky remark on the tip of her tongue.

But she moves around to the front of me and says to the brunette, “Mind if I cut in?”

“Are you being serious?” the brunette asks then glances at me, waiting for me to respond.

“I’ll catch up with you later maybe,” I say to the stripper, being evasive to avoid any confusion later.

She shoots me a glare, putting her hands up in front of her. “Don’t bother. I’ve got plenty of other guys waiting in line to get with this.” She rolls her body and shakes her tits again and Violet covers her hand with her mouth, choking on her laughter as the brunette stomps off.

Once she disappears in the crowd, I quickly take Violet in. Her red and black hair is swept to the side and has this sexy wave thing going on. Her green eyes are outlined with black and her lips shine even in the inadequate light. She’s wearing this long black dress that flows all the way to her feet. It’s different from what most of the other girls here are wearing, in the sense that it covers up a lot more. But she’s not wearing a bra and even though her breasts aren’t as big as the brunette’s they’re more attractive, her nipples perking through the thin fabric and making my cock rethink its deflation.

“So are you going to stare at me all day?” she asks, biting on her thumbnail, scanning the crowd instead of me. “Or actually dance with me?”

I rip my gaze from her tits and focus on her eyes. “I thought you were joking about that.” I scroll over her body, taking my leisurely time, enjoying her slender frame. “You don’t really seem like the dancing type and plus you shouldn’t really be dancing on that ankle.”

“I can dance, swollen ankle or not,” she says neutrally, finally looking at me and again I’m taken back by how detached she looks. “But you don’t have to. I was just giving you an easy out from Bust-a-Move over there as a thank-you for helping my crippled ass around.”

“Who said I needed an out?” I question, concerned over the fact that I’ve actually missed bantering with her. “Maybe I was into Bust-a-Move.”

She holds up her hands and starts to back away from me. “Fine. I’ll let you be. I was just trying to do something nice, which I don’t do a lot.”

I let her take two more steps back before I reach out and wrap my fingers around her arm. She may be trying to pretend like she doesn’t give a shit, but I think she might. “I got nowhere else to be,” I say, pulling her toward me, figuring dancing with her might keep me distracted for a minute or two.

“Oh, lucky me. Luke Price wants to dance with me. Swoon.” She feigns a dreamy look, then tops it off with a roll of her eyes.

“Hey, you’re the one that asked me to dance,” I remind her as she reaches me. I slide my hand from her arm to her side and then around to her back. Then I guide her even closer, until heat builds between our bodies. Good, fucking God. I nearly moan when I realize that her dress doesn’t have a back, at least from halfway up.

I casually slide my palm down her back, checking to see where the fabric starts. I seriously fucking lose it as I feel the softness of her flesh all the way to her waistline, where I finally touch fabric. I detect a slight shiver on her part, but her expression remains emotionless, her gaze locked on me as she places her hands on my shoulders.

We begin to move to the song together and I realize that she wasn’t lying about being able to dance. Her hips sway softly against the grip of my hands, the front of her body grazing against mine. Each time our chests brush together a small breathy noise escapes her lips and it’s sexy as hell and turning me on, my cock getting rock hard. Jesus, I’m going to lose it if I don’t calm down.

After half of the song plays, she leans in toward my ear and whispers, “So why are you here, Luke Price?”

“Luke Price?” I grip her hips tighter as I turn my head toward her. “What happened to Mr. Stoically Aloof?”

She shrugs, wetting her lips with her tongue as she traces her finger up and down the back of my neck. I wonder if she’s even aware that she’s doing it, but I’m definitely aware—too aware. “I thought I’d give the nickname a break tonight,” she says.

Our faces our inches apart and the heat of our breaths mix and make the already damp air even damper.

“Why are you here, Violet with no last name?” I maintain her gaze as I lean away just a little so I can get a better look at her.

The intensity in her expression mirrors my own and I wonder just how much I’m getting into just from dancing with her. She’s a challenge, secretive like myself, and that only makes me more curious. About her. About her secrets. About getting to know her. It gives her so much power over me, because I want to know her and she won’t let me. And I usually don’t want to know things about most people.

“For the awesome company, obviously,” she jokes and her lips quirk a little like she’s going to smile.

“Well, obviously.” I’m getting uncomfortable with the way my heart keeps speeding up every time she starts to smile and I’m debating on whether to leave or not. Yet at the same time I’m so turned on by the feel of her hips in my hands all I want to do is stay and keep touching her. My attraction to her ends up controlling me as my hand travels from her hips to her back and I press on the small of it, luring her even closer to me until her chest is pressing against mine. “How’s your foot?”

Biting her bottom lip, she glances down at her feet and I realize she’s not wearing shoes. “It’s doing okay, I guess.”

“Okay, so where are your shoes?”

She shrugs, returning her attention to me. “I had flip-flops on, but they were annoying me so I kicked them off somewhere.”

Through my irrational alcohol-filled mind I somehow rationalize thinking it’s okay to ask, “About the other night when you… you know, jumped out the window. What was that about?”

Her body goes rigid, but her expression is calm. “What was what about?”

I turn my head away from her gaze and stare out into the crowd. “Why’d you jump?”

“It’s a long story,” she says evenly and I feel her eyes on me. “Why are you asking?”

I meet her gaze again as the music switches to a more bumping song. I want to tell her the truth—that I’m worried about her. That I know the darker reasons of why someone would jump out a window. That even though I barely know her, I can’t stop thinking about her. That she’s controlling my thoughts way more than I’d like. But instead I say, “Just curious. It’s not every day a beautiful girl falls out the window and kicks me in the face.”

She doesn’t react, like she doesn’t even notice that I just complimented the crap out of her, at least in my book. “I got into a little bit of a mess. The only way to get out of it was to jump out the window,” she says indifferently.

A thousand questions tumble through my mind. “What kind of a mess?”

She chews on her bottom lip nervously and then sighs, annoyed. “Why do you care so much about this?”

I shake my head and shrug. “Because… I’m worried that… that you might have done it… on purpose.” I almost mumble the last part and I’m not sure if she heard me or not.

“Worried about me? Really?” She seems skeptical at the possibility.

“People worry about people all the time,” I say.

“No they don’t,” she insists and her eyes briefly flicker with anger. “And besides, you don’t even know me.”

“Well, this is me trying to get to know you.” What the hell is wrong with my drunken mouth tonight? It’s like it’s got a mind of its own. “Look, maybe—”

She covers my mouth with her hand and shakes her head. “No more questions, okay?” Without giving me time to answer, she spins around, turning her back to me. I think she’s going to leave, but instead she leans back against me, pressing her back into my chest.

Then she starts to dance. And I mean really dance, leaning just to the side to keep her weight off her ankle as she hypnotically rocks to the rhythm. Her hips move from side to side, matching the beat perfectly. The movement brushes her ass up against my cock and I start moving with her, grabbing at her hips, delving my fingertips into her, and her back arches. The more the song goes on, the more into it we get. Sweat beads out skin and there’s so much contact and friction between our bodies it seriously feels like we’re veering toward sex. Then she does this little move where she gradually, but gracefully lowers toward the floor. Her body slides down mine until the back of her head brushes against my cock, which is rock hard. Then she pushes back up, dragging her body up mine again. By the time she’s standing upright, I’m about to grab hold of her, take her to the nearest room and fuck her until she screams out my name. I need to get back control over the situation.

I get distracted, though, as she lets her head fall to the side and her arms come up and wind around the back of my neck, her movements owning me. I get a glimpse of the back of her neck and the dragon and two stars tattooed on her skin. I haven’t fucked very many girls with tattoos but good God I need to start because it’s mind-blowingly sexy. I slide my palms around to the front of her stomach and I crush our bodies together. Heat blares through me as the smell of her blends with the alcohol in my system and it makes the hunger and overpowering need inside me feel like it belongs there.

Her hair is swept over her shoulder and her neck is just inches away from my lips. The desire to suck and bite at her skin is intoxicating and without contemplation over what I’m doing or what it’ll mean, my lips part and my tongue slides out along her skin. It’s not like I’ve never licked a girl’s neck before. I have many times, just like I’ve kissed and fucked many times. Usually it drowns out any noise inside my head, but right now I can still hear all of it, if not more. It’s louder. Sharper. More potent and I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself, lose control. But it’s almost like my mouth is being magnetized to her skin and I start sucking on her neck, nipping and grazing my teeth gently along it. With the way her muscles tense, I half expect her to turn around and punch me in the jaw. I sort of wish she would so I’d walk away… at least I think I would… I might actually want to stay more. But instead her head falls to the side, giving me access to devour the taste of her.

My hand wanders up her ribs, across her breast, her nipple hardening underneath the thin fabric. I graze my thumb across it and then move my hand all the way up to the hollow of her neck. She groans as I press my fingers gently into her collarbone and leans back against my chest, putting her weight against me. Reality starts to blur away as I move my hand down her body to her leg and start pulling the fabric of her dress up, desperate to slip my fingers inside her and make her groan louder.

“God, you’re so beautiful…” I breathe against her neck as my hand reaches her upper thigh. “We should go back into one of the rooms…”

She starts to slant her head toward me, our lips briefly brushing, and desire floods my body at the spark of contact. I grip handfuls of her dress, opening my mouth to devour her, when suddenly she pushes my arms from her and moves away from me.

She peers over her shoulder at me, her cheeks a little flushed, but her expression emotionless. “Thanks for the dance,” she says and then putting her hands up above her head, she makes a path through the crowd, eventually disappearing into a swarm of sweaty, drunk bodies.

I stand in the crowd, shaking my head at myself, dumbfounded by my own idiocy. “God, you’re so beautiful? We should go back into one of the rooms.” Yeah, it wasn’t my best line ever but Jesus, she runs off more than anyone I’ve ever known.

After analyzing her for way too long, I decide that it’s not my fucking problem—she’s not my fucking problem. I need to move on, cut whatever it is that’s drawing me to her, get over my developing obsession with the mysterious girl who jumps out windows and seems to show up wherever I go. Leaving most of my thoughts of Violet behind, I shove through the crowd and push to the kitchen where the counters are lined with bottles and bottles of alcohol. There are so many choices it’s like Christmas. I select a bottle of Crown Royal and slam back another shot… or two… or three… or four… until they all blur together and I can’t think anymore.

When I’m almost gone, veering on blacking out, I find the first decent-looking girl I come across and flirt with her until we’re heading back to one of the rooms. It doesn’t take long after the door shuts before our clothes are off and I’m thrusting inside her. The headboard bangs against the wall as I pin her hands down to the side of her head and she screams out, not my name because we never got that far. Her head is tipped back, her neck arched, her skin beaded with sweat. As I stare down at her, thrusting our hips together, all I think about is how I can do anything to her right now. For a second it feels right. I don’t feel so helpless and fucked up inside. So controlled by the things around me and my past. I feel drunk and high on this girl under me, who’s ready to give me whatever I want. For a brief moment I have control over everything. There’s not all this noise inside me, reminding me of the bad and horrible stuff that makes up my past. I feel content and still inside. Then I’m pulling out of her and the wholeness inside me empties out. The girl rolls over to her side and moments later she passes out. The control I felt over the situation is dissipating and I feel like helpless kid again, which is so fucked up. I climb out of bed and get dressed, and then I leave her behind, hoping I never cross paths with her again. As I exit the room, the control fleetingly rises again, but once I step out into the living room again it’s all gone. Leaving me to try and outrun it again.

Violet

After I leave Luke on the dance floor, I hurry for the back of the house, trying not to run, but I can’t help but walk quickly. The guy I was working before I headed out to Luke catches me by the arm as I’m crossing the kitchen.

“Hey, where’d you go?” he asks as he reaches for a beer on the counter. “I thought we were going to go somewhere and talk.”

“We will, but I have to take care of something first.” Before he can respond, I jerk my arm out of his hold and leave him behind with his jaw hanging open. I burst out the back door and then stare at the small lake a little ways out in the backyard. There’s a dock stretching out over it and that’s where I head, pushing past the crowd and to the grass, the sounds and lights of the party disappearing the farther away I get. The closer I get to the water, the quicker I walk, the pain in my ankle tearing at my muscles. When my bare feet brush the wood of the dock, I run as fast as I can toward the edge. My heart thrashes in my chest, my blood pumping furiously. It wants to escape the adrenaline rush, but me, I embrace it, bask in it as the adrenaline pours through me like liquid fire, burning away everything I feel at the moment; the want, the desire, the way I let Luke touch me and how I let myself feel when he touched me. He wasn’t just groping me. What was going on inside my body was very real. Too real. So real I actually briefly considered going back to a room with him and letting him do whatever to me because I wanted him to.

When I reach the end of the dock, I gather every ounce of energy I have left and jump, releasing all the oxygen from my lungs until I’m empty of air. Empty of everything. Seconds later, I crash into the water and the cold water floods over my body, drenching my dress, my skin, my hair. It weighs me down, drags me under, and I don’t fight back. I willingly let it take me over.

I remember when I finally realized that my parents weren’t coming back. That they were dead and the blood I saw all over them wasn’t just in my imagination. That the images of them lying on the floor, their bodies still, and their eyes open wasn’t just a picture I’d drawn up in my head. It was real. The reality that I was alone started to seep in and even at six years old I knew that nothing would ever be the same.

I’d never be the same.

It was hard to feel it, the blunt truth that I didn’t have parents anymore. There was a lot of pain. A lot of razors slicing at me from the inside. Needles stabbing at my veins. A hole rapidly growing inside my heart. I felt it—I felt everything. I’d wake up sometimes at night clawing at my skin, trying to dig the feeling out of me, but all I’d ever get were cuts and scratches.

The first couple that took me in thought I was crazy. I heard them talking about it once, that they worried I’d hurt them or myself and why wouldn’t they after what’d I’d seen. Death. Violence. Murder. The morbid part of life—it was branded into my head, which meant I was going to become morbid myself. It confused me and I think I actually started to believe that it might really happen, that I changed into a violent person. Between the idea that I’d end up hurting someone and the constant pain inside me, I decided to give up feeling all together. Turn it off. Shut down. Self-induced numbness.

It was hard at first, especially at night when my mind seemed insistent on remembering everything. But one night when I woke up from a nightmare, panicked and my head a little muddled, I’d gotten confused and thought I was back at my old house. I’d run out of my room, miscalculating where the stairs started and I ended up tripping. I nearly had a heart attack as I fell down the stairs, the carpet scraping at my back and legs, my life flashing before my eyes. When I finally reached the bottom, I stared up at the ceiling feeling the adrenaline pounding through my body and all the pain and fear I’d felt from my dream was replaced by a rush of energy. For a second, I couldn’t feel the razors or needles or the hole in my heart. My mind and body were content. It was the first real moment of peace I’d felt in a while and it was silently and painfully beautiful.

After that, it became a habit. I’d wake up in a panic and run out of my room and fall down the stairs. I was intentionally doing it and I knew it was insane, but it was making me feel better. My foster parents were heavy sleepers and didn’t notice at first, but I did wake them up occasionally. At first I played it off as being sleepy and confused but by the sixth or seventh time they started to wonder if something was up and they started asking questions. So I told them the truth, hoping they’d understand. They looked at me with fear in their eyes and two weeks later I was moved to a new home. After that, I stopped telling the truth and I found different ways to get my adrenaline rushes. Running out in front of cars, standing on top of buildings, letting myself sink into the water until my lungs felt like they were going to combust.

I know what I’m doing is dangerous, but I don’t care. It’s better than feeling the razors. The needles. The unhealable hole in my heart.

The water is cold but not very deep and I reach the bottom quickly. I let myself sink to the ground, my knees pressing against the muddy bottom. My arms float to my side, my hair in my face. Above my head, the moon glows distortedly and beautifully through the ripples in the water. Everything is silent. The water. The night. The emotion inside me. I shut my eyes. I let myself start to drown. I stay as still as I can until my lungs ache to burst. Until I become light-headed. Until I feel myself start to leave reality. Until I’m at the point where I’m about to no longer exist. Then I push upward. Bubbles float from my mouth as I rise, kicking my feet. I stretch my arms up and moments later I burst through the water, gasping for air. Adrenaline is drowning the inside of my body as my lungs fight to breathe—fight to stay alive. Water drips down my hair into my face as I lie back and float in the water, staring up at the moon, my chest rising and falling, up and down, my body half above the water and half below.