The Perfect Hope

CHAPTER NINETEEN

HE KNEW THIS LAND, THE RISE AND FALL OF IT, THE spread of the fields, the rough shoulders of rock that jutted out. He knew the stone walls that kept the fat cows grazing on the green. His hands had helped build some of them, with his uncle’s patient tutelage to guide him.

Though he’d traveled some distance from this land, its rise and fall, he’d always planned to come back to it. To make his home near some bend in the creek that ran over rocks and cooled its water under the shade of the woods.

He loved this land as he’d loved no other his feet had trod upon.

But today on this September morning, it was a landscape of hell. Today, his sweat soiled his uniform and the ground beneath him. His sweat, but not his blood. Not yet.

Today he fought, and lived as he had on other days since some deep-seated need drove him to enlist. And today, he wished with all of his heart, all of his soul, that he had carved out that need and crushed it under his boot.

He’d thought he’d find honor, excitement, even adventure. Instead he’d found despair, terror, misery, and questions he couldn’t begin to answer.

The sky that had dawned beautiful and blue turned to a dirty haze under the sooty smoke of cannon fire. Mini-balls sang on their vicious journey, ending in a crescendo of flying earth, destroyed flesh.

Oh, what an insult to the body and soul was war.

The sound of men’s screams assaulted his ears, his guts, until he heard little else, deaf even to the blast of cannon, the endless screech of shell, the hail-on-tin-roof patter of bullets.

He lay a moment, fighting to chase his breath that seemed just out of his reach. The blood on his uniform had been inside the friend he’d made on the march—George, a blacksmith’s apprentice, a jokester with hair the color of cornsilk and eyes as blue and happy as summer.

Now the cornsilk ran red, and those eyes stared out of his ruined face.

He knew this land, Billy thought again as his ears rang and his heart beat like the battle drums. The quiet road that wound through it divided the Piper and Roulette farms. His parents were friendly with the Pipers.

He wondered where they were now, now that this meandering border sunken into that rolling land served as a line of blood and death.

Hill’s Rebels dug into that sunken road, and they used that concealed position to blast off murderous volleys, burning through the advancing troops like a lighted match on dust-dry brush. In that first volley, a musket shell had torn away half of George’s face, and laid low the good Lord knew how many more.

Artillery thundered, shook the ground.

It seemed like hours he lay there, staring through the smoke to the blue of the sky, listening to screams, moans, shouts, and the endless, incessant, world-filling clatter of gun and cannon.

Minutes only in reality. Only minutes to breathe, to understand his friend was dead and himself alive by inches.

His hand trembled as he reached inside his uniform, carefully took out the photograph. Eliza. Lizzy. His Lizzy with hair like sunlight and a smile that opened his heart. She loved him, despite all. She waited for him, and when this hell was over, they’d marry. He’d build her a house—not so very far from where he lay now. But the house would live with love and joy, with the laughter of their children.

When this hell was over, he’d go back for her. He’d had one letter, and only one. Smuggled out of her house, to his mother, and passed on to him. He’d read her despair at being locked in on the night they’d planned to elope, and her unwavering faith that they would find each other again.

He’d written her only the night before, carefully forming the words while restless in camp. He’d find a way to get the letter to her. No man could live through hell and not believe in heaven.

He’d have his with Eliza. They’d have forever.

He heard the shouted orders to regroup, to advance again on that damned sunken road. He closed his eyes, pressed his lips to the image of Eliza, then slipped her carefully away again. Safe, he promised himself. Safe against his heart.

He got to his feet. Breathed, breathed. He would do his duty to his country, trust in God, and find his way back to Lizzy.

He charged again, the murderous hail of bullets flying from both sides.

He lived again as bodies, torn and rent, littered the once quiet farmland. Hours passed like years—and somehow like minutes. Morning into afternoon. He knew by the sun he’d lived another morning. He never wavered in duty, shouldered beside others who’d vowed to serve.

He moved forward, climbing fences, through an apple orchard where windfalls scattered over the ground and bees half-drunk buzzed over them. And on the rise looked down at the men in that old road. Finally the high ground served, and they ripped through a gap. He stood near the bend of the road, looked down into horror.

So many dead. It seemed impossible; it seemed obscene. They lay stacked on each other like cordwood, and still those who survived fired, fired, determined to hold that bloody ground.

For what? For what? For what? he wondered in some grieving part of his brain, but he heard the order to fire and obeyed. He thought of George, and obeyed. Robbing another mother of her son, another woman of her love.

Taking another life that, like him, only wanted home.

And he thought of Lizzy, pressed against his heart. Lizzy who loved him, despite all. Who waited for him.

He thought of his mother weeping over his brother Joshua, dead at Shiloh.

He couldn’t fire again, could not stop one more heart, drive one more mother to weeping. This was slaughter, he thought. Hundreds dead and hundreds more to die. Farmers and masons and blacksmiths and shopkeepers. Why didn’t they surrender? Why would they fight and die in that depressed earth surrounded by their dead brothers?

Was this honor? Was this duty? Was this the answer? Exhausted, heart-broken, sickened at the carnage below, he lowered his weapon.

He didn’t feel the first shell punch into him, or the second. He only felt suddenly and terribly cold, and found himself once more on the ground, looking up at the sky.

He thought clouds had rolled over the sun. Everything grayed and flattened. And all the noise, all the hell of it dimmed into an almost peaceful quiet.

Was it over? At last, was it over?

He reached a hand inside his uniform for Lizzy, drew her photograph out. Stared, stared as blood smeared over her beautiful face.

Then he knew.

He knew.

Pain came in a sudden, shocking flood as blood streamed out of his wounds. He cried out against it, cried out again in a sorrow too deep to bear.

He would never build her a pretty stone house near the singing creek with honeysuckle growing wild and wild as he’d promised her. They would never fill that house with love, with children.

He had done his duty, and lost his life. He tried to kiss her face one last time, but the photograph fluttered out of his numb fingers.

He accepted his death, he had sworn an oath. But he had sworn one to Lizzy as well. He could not accept that he would never see her again, or touch her.

He murmured her name as the breath and the blood ran out of him.

He thought—his last thought—he heard her call to him. He thought he saw her, her face pale, wet with sweat, her eyes glazed as if with fever. She spoke his name. He spoke hers.

Joseph William Ryder, known as Billy to all who loved him, died on the bend of the road above the sunken ground that came to be known as Bloody Lane.

RYDER WOKE COLD to the bone, with his throat burning dry and his heart at a gallop. Beside the bed, D.A. shoved his nose against Ryder’s hand, let out a nervous whine.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “I’m okay.”

But in fact he didn’t know what the hell he was.

Everybody has dreams, he told himself. Good ones, bad ones, weird ones, wet ones.

So he’d dreamed about Billy Ryder. They’d just found the guy’s grave. It wasn’t such a stretch to dream about him, about dying at Antietam.

A soldier who dies on September 17, 1862? Odds were pretty damn good he’d bought it on the battlefield on that bloodiest day of the war.

Billy Ryder had been on his mind, that’s all.

And that was bullshit. Stop being an idiot, he ordered himself.

He’d felt something at that grave site, and he felt it now. Something off, something he couldn’t quite get a grasp on.

Sleep hadn’t helped, obviously. He glanced at the clock, saw it was still shy of five. He wasn’t going to get any more sleep, and wasn’t sure he wanted to risk it anyway.

The dream, vivid as life—and death—left him unsteady.

He’d stood on that battlefield. He’d walked the sunken road of Bloody Lane. And though he considered himself a practical, grounded man, he’d felt the pull of the place, the power of it. He’d read books on Antietam—he lived here, after all. He’d studied it in school, taken visiting friends and relations on the tour.

But until tonight he’d never imagined it—no, he corrected, felt it so vividly.

The smells of it, the sounds. Stinging smoke, fresh blood, burned flesh, the raging storm of artillery fire that filled the world above the cries of dying men.

If he’d been a fanciful man he’d have said through the dream he’d lived in it, and died in it.

As Billy Ryder had.

Put it away, he told himself. Beside him Hope stirred a little, and the warmth of her layered over that cold he couldn’t quite shake. He thought about just rolling over, onto her, clearing his mind with that slim, soft body.

He considered the hour, deemed it pretty damn unfair to wake her before dawn, even though he figured he could make it worth her while.

He rolled out of bed instead, then just walked to the glass doors, pulled them open and stepped out on the bedroom deck.

Maybe he just needed some air.

He liked the quiet of this hour, and the way the slice of moon, not quite finished with the night, showed itself through the trees. He wished fleetingly that he’d gotten water before he’d come out, then just stood pulling in the peace.

All the work, stress, frustrations of the job were worth it for moments like this. Moments of utter quiet and stillness before night ended and day began. Soon, the sun would blur the sky to the east with red, the birds would wake chattering, and the cycle would start again.

He liked the cycle fine, he thought, absently lowering a hand to D.A.’s head when the dog leaned on his leg. He had what he wanted. Good work, a good place, family who not only mattered but who understood him, and if he had to be sentimental, loved him anyway.

He couldn’t ask for better. Then why, he wondered, did it feel as if something hadn’t quite clicked into place? That something hung up, just slightly out of alignment, and all he had to do was turn it a bit, and it would fall just where it should be.

“What’s wrong?”

He turned, saw Hope. Something wanted to click, wanted to shift and fall.

“Ryder?” She stepped out, tying the short little robe he wished she hadn’t bothered with.

“Nothing. I’m awake, that’s all.”

“It’s early, even for you.” She moved to him, laid her hands on the deck rail as he did. “Listen to the quiet. Country quiet, country dark. You can forget in all the busyness that there are times and places so wonderfully still.”

Since he’d been thinking nearly the same, he looked down at her. How could she be so damn perfect? It threw him off.

She smiled back at him, and the look of her, still flushed and soft from sleep, blew right through the center of him.

“I could make coffee. We could sit out here, drink the first cup of the day and watch the sunrise.”

“I’ve got a better idea.” He wanted her—too much and too often—but what was the point in fighting it? Not in the bed, he realized, where he’d dreamed of bloody death and bitter loss.

So he took her hand, pulled her toward the steps leading down.

“What are you doing? Ryder, you can’t just wander around. You’re naked.”

“Oh yeah.” Quick and clever, he tugged off her robe, tossed it in the direction of a deck chair. “You, too.”

Over her protests, he towed her down the stairs.

“Country dark, country quiet, country private. What are you worried about? Nobody’s around to see you. Well, there’s Dumbass, but he’s seen you naked before. Me, too.”

“I’m not walking around here without any clothes on.”

“I wasn’t planning on doing much walking.” So saying, he lowered her to the grass, damp and cool with dew.

“Oh, and this isn’t nearly as crazy as walking around naked. We can—”

He lowered his mouth to hers, stopped her words with a slow, shimmering kiss.

“I want to touch you while the sun comes up. I want to watch you, to be in you when the day takes over. I just want you,” he said and kissed her again.

So with words that touched her heart, he seduced her. With hands thorough and skilled, he aroused her. She gave herself to him, thrilled to be wanted, grateful to want. She opened herself on the dew-laced grass as the last stars guttered out like candle flames, as the moon slid away under the rise of shadowed land. As those first glimmers of red and gold eked through the night-dark woods.

He took what she offered; gave her what he had. With her he ended the night and began the day. The dreams of death and despair faded away. Inside him something turned, just a little. Something clicked and fell.

Here was hope. Here was Hope. And she was perfect.

As he felt her crest, birds woke singing. And the sky bloomed with another dawn.

SHE EXPECTED GUESTS by three, and the family well before. After she picked up her car, drove back to the inn, she spent the time doing her routine room checks.

She needed to be busy, she thought, so she wouldn’t be tempted to speak her thoughts aloud. To speak to Eliza.

In Nick and Nora she checked the lights, the TV remote, the room folder, added a bit to the room diffuser before going out and doing the same in Jane and Rochester.

Fresh flowers would arrive early afternoon.

She moved from room to room changing lightbulbs when needed, adjusting room temperatures.

Back in the kitchen she filled a fruit bowl, set out cookies, made a fresh pitcher of iced tea.

In her office, she checked and answered emails, phone messages, busied herself while she wished the time away.

Today, they’d tell Lizzy they’d found her Billy. What would happen then, she couldn’t know. But she wanted to.

Just as she wanted to know what had been behind that look in Ryder’s eyes in the predawn dark. He’d been too quiet, even for him, since they’d found Billy Ryder’s grave.

And there’d been something quietly urgent in his lovemaking. They should have laughed, she thought now. Two people making love on the lawn with a dog for silent company should have laughed, been playful. But he’d been intense, so focused.

And she? She’d been swept away, taken under by his intense, focused need.

She wanted to reach him. She thought she’d begun to, and now? She didn’t know, and he wouldn’t say.

She remembered Avery’s words. You didn’t love and try to change. That was true, that was real and right. So she’d wait until he was ready to tell her what was behind that look in his eyes.

She heard Carolee come in, call out. Hope ordered the rest of her work, added to her list, crossed off what she’d done, then walked out to the kitchen.

“I got sticky buns from next door.” Carolee offered a slightly shamed smile. “I just wanted to do something.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Then I thought I’m not sure sticky buns were the right thing to do.”

“They always are.” Understanding, Hope put an arm around Carolee’s shoulders.

“Will this change things, you think? I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want things to change. I love everything about this place, including Lizzy. I know, some part of me knows, what we’re doing is important. Important things so often make change.”

“I wish I knew.”

“I guess we’ll all know soon enough. I left The Lobby door unlocked,” she said when they heard it open. “I thought that would be easier all around.”

Clare and Avery came in together. “Sticky buns,” Avery said. “I just said to Clare we should go over to Icing and get something. You thought of it first.”

“Food’s comfort.” Clare rubbed a gentle hand on her belly. “I fixed Beckett and the boys cheesy eggs this morning. I just needed to do something. Beckett left early, to try to get some work in.”

“Owen, too.”

“That makes all three of them,” Hope said. “There’s Justine and Willy B. Right on time.”

“Nervous?” Clare linked hands with Hope.

“Yeah. We did what she asked. Now we’ll tell her what we know. I should be excited, but …”

“It’s sad,” Avery said. “It’s not like we expected to find him alive and well and living in Vegas, but it’s sad.”

“Sticky buns,” Justine observed. “I made popovers.” She set the plate on the island. “I’ve been restless all morning, and baking helped some.”

“We won’t go hungry,” Avery decided. “We may lapse into a sugar coma, but I’ll risk it.”

“There’s iced tea, but I’ll make coffee.”

“I’ll do it.” Carolee patted Hope’s arm. “Let me take care of it.”

They came in together, the three brothers, in work clothes and rough boots. Hope caught the scents of wood and varnish and paint. For some reason, it relaxed her a little.

“So,” Owen began.

“I got something to say,” Ryder interrupted. “To her, I guess. To everybody. I had to get my head around it,” he added looking directly at Hope.

“Okay.” She nodded.

“I had a dream about him last night. Billy Ryder. And don’t give me any shit,” he warned his brothers.

“Nobody’s going to give you any shit,” Beckett told him.

He thought he might have given some out if the situation had been reversed. And appreciated the restraint. “It was really vivid. Like being there.”

“Being where?” Justine asked him.

“Antietam. September 17, 1862. You read about it, you see war movies, but this … I don’t know how anybody gets through it, pulls out of it if they live through it. He was in the Union advance on Bloody Lane. It was still morning, and they’d taken heavy casualties. The kid he’d made friends with—George, blacksmith’s apprentice—damn near got his head blown off. The blood was all over Billy. He was dazed, probably in shock. He knew where he was. I mean literally. He knew the Pipers, knew the land, knew the sunken road divided the farms.”

Carolee stepped to him, held out a mug of coffee.

“Thanks.” He looked down at it, but didn’t drink. Not yet. “I could hear what he was thinking. It wasn’t like reading his mind, but more like …”

“Being inside it?” his mother suggested.

“Yeah, I guess that’s it. He started thinking about her. Eliza. She wrote to him when she couldn’t get away that night they’d planned to elope. She managed to send the letter to his mother. He got it, and he wrote her back, but he wasn’t able to send the letter. Didn’t know, I guess, where to send it. The night before the battle, he’d written her a letter.”

“He loved her,” Clare said softly.

“He had a picture of her,” Ryder continued, “and he took it out to look at it, thinking how he’d find her when it was over, how they’d get married, he’d build her a house, they’d have kids. She’d changed him. Opened him, is how he thought of it. Anyway, it seemed like a long time in the dream, in his head that he was lying there, wearing his friend’s blood and thinking of staying alive so he could have his life with her.

“Jesus, Clare, don’t cry.”

“It’s sad, and I’m pregnant. I can’t help it.”

“Tell us the rest,” Hope demanded. Did no one else smell the honeysuckle? Did know one else realize Lizzy needed to hear the rest?

“They ordered another attempted advance. If you know anything about that phase of the battle, you know it took hours, the Confederate force hunkered down in the sunken road, the Union trying to break their line. And both sides took heavy losses.”

Damned if he’d describe it, here in this sunny kitchen with a pregnant woman silently weeping.

“By afternoon, even though both sides brought in reinforcements, it was a goddamn slaughter. Somebody screwed up, ordered a part of the Confederate line to withdraw, and that gave the Union the gap they needed. He was part of that, of that advance once the Confederates were down to hundreds, and the Union had the high ground. You know how it was, Mom, fish in a barrel. They picked them off until bodies lay stacked up. He couldn’t do it. He shot, and he killed, thinking of his friend, of his duty. Then he couldn’t do it anymore. He thought of her, of his mother, his dead brother, of the blood and the waste, and he couldn’t do it. He just wanted it over. He wanted her and the life they could have. And when he lowered his weapon, he was shot.”

“He died there,” Hope murmured.

“He fell where he stood. He could see the sky. He thought of her, he kept thinking of her, and took out her picture again. That’s when he knew it was over for him. When he saw the blood, and he finally felt the pain. He thought about her right up to the end, and he thought he saw her, in his head, calling to him—sick, scared, and calling him. He said her name, and that was it.”

He looked down at the coffee in his hand, this time drank deeply. “Jesus.”

“He’s part of you.” Justine wrapped her arms around Ryder, held tight. “Of all of us. He needed someone to tell his story, someone to tell her. It breaks my heart.”

“Stop that.” But Ryder brushed a tear from his mother’s cheek. “It’s hard enough without everybody crying about it.”

“No more tears.” Eliza Ford stood beside Hope, and she smiled.

“Well, holy God.” With Tyrone in his arms, Willy B dropped heavily on the stool beside Clare. “Beg pardon.”

“You found him.”

Ryder wished to God she’d chosen someone else to latch those eyes on. “He’s buried a few miles outside of town, on part of what used to be his family farm. He’s buried with his brothers.”

“He loved his brothers, and when he learned of Joshua’s death, he began to talk of joining the fight. But no, not his grave. It isn’t his grave you found that matters.”

She laid her hand on her heart. “His spirit. He thought of me—thank you for finding that thought, that spirit. He thought of me and I of him as this part ended. I wanted a little stone house, and a family, and every day. But most of all, I wanted my Billy. I wanted his love, and to give him mine. I have it, and I feel it. So much time since I could feel it.”

She lifted her hand, turned it. “It does not fade. You found him. Now he can find me. You are his.” She turned to Hope. “You are mine. And I will never forget this gift. I have only to wait for him to come.”

“There was honeysuckle near his grave,” Hope said.

“My favorite. He promised we would let it grow wild near our little house. He died a soldier, but he was not born one. He died thinking of others. Thinking of me. My Billy. Love, the truest of it, never fades. I need to wait, to watch.”

“Lizzy.” Beckett stepped forward.

“You were the first to talk to me, to befriend me. You, all of you, helped me become again, gave me a home again. Gave me love again. He will come to me.”

“Love can work miracles,” Justine said when Lizzy vanished. “I’m going to believe she’s right.”

“She’s happy.” Her eyes damp, Avery leaned against Owen. “It really matters that she’s happy.” Then she grinned at her father, who sat stock-still, Tyrone’s paws on his big shoulders, the pug’s tongue lapping at his face. “What’s the matter, Dad? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Holy God,” he said again, and reached for a sticky bun.

On a quick burst of watery laughter, Clare leaned over to give him and his adoring pug a hard hug.

As they left to go back to work, run errands, live the everyday, Ryder drew Hope out into The Courtyard. “I wasn’t not talking to you.”

“I know. I do know,” she promised him. “You had a strange and difficult experience. I think it must’ve been like being in the war.”

“Yeah, and whoever said war’s hell was playing it light. It’s worse.”

“You needed to process it, take some time. Talking to me doesn’t mean telling me everything that’s on your mind.”

“Okay. Maybe we can set out some guidelines sometime.”

“Maybe we can.”

“I’ve got to get back to it. Maybe you want one of those salads you like tonight.”

“That would be nice.”

“I’ll see you later.”

She watched him and his dog walk away and, smiling to herself, went back inside to her own work.