The prince of pleasure

Chapter Fourteen

He waited for Julienne in the shabby parlor of her hired rooms, counting the minutes until she returned from the theater. When finally he heard a carriage out on the street, Dare went to the window and peered down.

Riddingham had escorted her home, he saw, forcibly quelling a spark of jealousy. He had no right to object to her choice of protectors. He had lost that privilege long ago.

His stomach churning, Dare returned to the worn settee before she unlocked and opened the door. Upon seeing the lamplight, Julienne stopped abruptly, her eyes wide with fear and defiance as she searched the room.

She had a knife in her hand, and his conscience smote him once more as he realized the significance of it.

At least her relief seemed sincere when she recognized him.

"How did you get in here?" Julienne asked, shutting the door behind her.

"Your landlady allowed me to wait here for you."

"I don't understand-" she began, but he cut her off.

"I've just returned from Kent… from Whitstable."

Julienne said not a word. She merely stared at him.

"I spoke to your former shop clerk about Ivers. You were never lovers."

Her face drained of color. Her fingers trembled as she set the knife down on a table. Then, moving like a sleepwalker, she sank into the chair opposite him.

For a moment Dare lowered his gaze to veil the stark emotion in his eyes. It hurt just to look at her and know what he had done, to comprehend the ugliness that had been thrust upon her. It sickened him to realize how badly he had mistaken appearances, but Julienne had permitted him to believe the lie. What he couldn't fathom was why she hadn't denied the claim outright, then or even later.

"Why, Julienne?" He heard the ache in his voice as he said her name.

She winced but refused to look at him. Instead she stared down at her hands, which were clasped tightly in her lap. "I didn't lie to you," she said in a voice so quiet, it was barely a whisper.

"You let me believe you were lovers. You never refuted him."

"I thought I had no choice. He threatened to harm my mother."

"I would have protected her-did you never consider that?"

When she raised her gaze, there was such pain in her eyes that it almost broke him.

She gave a faint shake of her head. "It would not have mattered. I knew I could never wed you, Dare. I couldn't let you sacrifice yourself for me. Ending our betrothal was the only way to save you from being disowned."

Dare felt his heart twist with agony. "Did you think my grandfather's fortune meant so much to me?"

"Perhaps not then, but you might have come to resent me if I had caused you to lose your inheritance."

I couldn't let you sacrifice yourself for me. The words haunted him. Julienne hadn't wanted him to suffer, so she had made the sacrifice herself.

"The Wolverton estate was entailed," Dare said softly, yet with an edge of irony. "It would have come to me on my grandfather's death, along with the title. And in any case, I had already amassed a considerable fortune of my own by then. I would never have missed his wealth."

Julienne returned his regard solemnly, dismay shimmering in her dark eyes.

"Why didn't you even give me the chance to discuss it?"

She clenched her fingers more tightly in her lap. She felt raw and exposed under the unwavering intensity of Dare's gaze. "It all happened so quickly. Ivers had just made his threats before you arrived. He said that your grandfather was determined to separate us, that Lord Wolverton would never let our betrothal stand. Then you walked in, and Ivers made that claim about being my lover…"

She took a steadying breath. "I wanted you to believe we were lovers, that I had been unfaithful. I knew you would never let me end our betrothal otherwise."

She closed her eyes, remembering the pain and betrayal on Dare's face. That tormented look had haunted her for years.

"I didn't want to lie to you," she added, her voice low. "I hated that you could think so badly of me. And in my secret heart… I hoped that you would see through his lies and realize that I still loved you. But then Ivers… I was such a naive little fool."

She attempted a self-deprecating laugh, but it stuck in her throat; her laughter was too bitter to release. "I didn't realize what a black-souled villain Ivers truly was. I thought that since I'd done as he demanded- called off our betrothal-he would be satisfied. But that wasn't enough for him. He wanted to make certain I was thoroughly compromised. That you would never want me for your wife. Your grandfather had paid him to make certain of it. After you left… I tried to fight him. I scratched his face till it was bloody, but he was too strong…"

"God."

She opened her eyes at his tortured whisper. Dare had sunk his head in his hands and was clutching his hair, as if he might tear it out by the roots.

"You could not have known what he would do," she said quietly.

His groan was low and harsh. "Don't try to absolve me, Julienne. I should never have left you there with that devil."

"It wasn't your fault. If anything, it was mine, for being so utterly gullible. Afterward… I could scarcely believe it had happened. When he was done, I lay there dazed, stunned. The shock must have dulled my memory, but I remember I swore that I would kill him if he touched me again, if he harmed my mother. He seemed to believe me, for he went away. But I realized that any hope for a future with you had been shattered."

Dare raised his head then, and the pain in his eyes mirrored her own. "You should have told me."

"How could I? If your grandfather was set against our marriage before, what Ivers had done made it a thousand times worse. I was ruined, damaged goods. I had been violated by another man, and I feared you would never want me again. Or worse… that you would do something noble like insist on marrying me. That would have exposed you to scandal and ridicule and caused your grandfather to disinherit you after all. I couldn't let that happen."

Scalding tears filled her eyes as she felt the helplessness again, the hopelessness. The sheer misery of having lost Dare. She had wanted so desperately to tell him the truth, to make him understand that she would have died before willingly betraying him. But she couldn't take the risk.

Agony rushed to envelop her as she remembered, and her tears began to fall.

In two strides he was at her side, lifting her up and wrapping her in his arms, hushing her sobs against his chest.

She wanted to resist. She hated for Dare to see her so vulnerable, so weak. But she had no defenses left. She wept against him, clinging to him tightly.

Dare could barely stand the anguish. It seemed so inadequate to hold her, to try to comfort her, when he'd been the one to hurt her so badly. To see her like this was agony. He ached for her, ached with the need to banish those terrible memories.

After a moment her sobs lessened. Finally she drew back, dashing fiercely at her streaming eyes. "I don't want your pity, Dare. I won't stand for it."

He saw wellsprings of pain in those dark depths, but there was infinite courage amid the vulnerability.

"No," he whispered. "Not pity."

It wasn't pity that smote him. Shame seared at the remnants of his soul. Shame and remorse and self-blame for the nightmare she had endured.

He could picture Julienne then-desperate, devastated, alone. He could only imagine the strength it must have taken to bear the rape and the scandal of his grandfather's accusations afterward. To earn her living in such a difficult profession as acting. To sell her body so that her mother's final days could be less agonizing.

His heart hurt, ravaged by a misery greater than any he had ever known, even when he had thought his love betrayed by a scheming enchantress.

He drew Julienne over to the settee and pulled her down with him, holding her tightly against him, his face buried in her hair, until her trembling gradually quieted.

The constriction in his throat made his voice shaky when at last he spoke. "Julienne, I can never deserve your forgiveness. I can only tell you… I would have cut out my heart before letting you be hurt."

With a shuddering breath, she shook her head. "You weren't to blame, Dare."

"I was to blame. I was young and stupid and hotheaded-determined to defy my grandfather at all costs, damn the consequences. But you paid the price for his wrath."

Tenderly he brushed the dampened tendrils of hair from her cheeks, kissed the tears from her face. Then he drew her close again, so that her head lay on his shoulder.

His voice dropped even lower, his tone grim as he recalled that disastrous afternoon. "I was considering ending our betrothal even before I discovered you with Ivers. My grandfather had threatened to charge you with treason, and I feared he might actually attempt it. I was coming to discuss it with you that afternoon. But then… When I saw you with Ivers and he claimed you were lovers, I was insanely jealous. I wanted to kill him merely for touching you."

"You only believed him because I didn't deny it."

Dare's mouth curled sardonically. "And I suppose I was predisposed to think you guilty. My mother had countless lovers during the course of her marriage. She came from a generation that raised infidelity to a fine art, and I grew up believing it the natural way of things. But I should have known you weren't like her."

His tone turned darker, bleaker. "I should have suspected my grandfather's machinations. I was the fool-for not realizing the lengths he would go to in order to have his way. And then I left you to deal with the aftermath alone. He destroyed your life, but I let it happen. I should have protected you."

"You would have, had you known, I'm certain of it."

He gave a bitter laugh. "At the time I was only concerned about surviving my own wounds. All I wanted was to get as far away from you as possible. If I had remained… at least I could have saved you from the damage my grandfather inflicted on your reputation afterward. Your sales clerk told me he ruined your business and drove you to leave town."

"Yes. I had no resources to fight him, and I had my mother to support. But I couldn't hope for any respectable employment after he tore my name to shreds."

"So you turned to acting."

"That actually was the one good thing to come of the calamity, Dare." A faint smile curved her mouth. "I found a vocation-something I truly love doing. Acting proved my salvation. It helped me banish my demons."

"But then you were forced to take a protector," Dare said, his voice ragged.

Julienne was glad the lamplight was not overly bright, for the flush of shame on her cheeks would have been even more noticeable. "It wasn't… It was simply something I had to do. And after losing you, nothing much could hurt me. The gentleman I chose… he was very kind. It made it easier to give my body for money."

Fresh tears scalded her eyes as she remembered. She had thought she might die from a grief-stricken heart, but the struggle to survive had given her a reason to goon.

She had eventually managed to overcome the darkness and shame that had nearly swallowed her. In time she had even healed from the brutal ordeal. Ivers had violated her body, but he hadn't touched the core of her.

He hadn't destroyed her physical need for passion, either. It had helped that her gentle protector had banished the last vestiges of her fear. But Dare had been the one to show her what true ecstasy was. What it was to feel truly alive. Because of him, she knew that lovemaking had nothing to do with the act of violence that had been perpetrated against her.

She reached up to touch his cheek. "There were some things about that summer that I never regretted. You taught me about love, about passion. Without that, I never could have overcome the rest."

He squeezed his eyes shut, as if he couldn't bear to accept her forgiveness. "You can't absolve me of guilt, Julienne."

The look of pain on Dare's face made her heart ache. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and help him find peace. He was holding her so gently, as if she were made of fragile glass, as if he feared to touch her.

Lifting her face, she pressed her lips against his. "Dare… make love to me."

He drew back to stare at her. "How can you possibly want me after what I did to you?"

Julienne had to smile just a little. All she could think of was how fervently she wanted Dare, how much she needed him. She needed him to exorcise her dark memories. Needed him to drive away the terrible loneliness of the past years.

In answer, she reached up to caress his cheek, feeling the day's stubble that roughened his jaw. "How can I possibly not want you?" she asked, raising her lips to his again.

His mouth descended on hers fervently, his kiss desperate, as if he needed her to save his soul. With their lips still joined, he lifted her in his arms and carried her into the adjacent chamber, where he lay her down on the narrow bed.

In the glow of the fire, he undressed her, but his touch was tentative-nothing like that of the passionate lover who had become a legend. And when she was fully naked, he sat beside her, hesitating.

"Dare… I won't break," Julienne murmured restlessly.

Perhaps not, he thought, but he felt as raw and uncertain as a boy with his first love.

As if understanding, she sat up and cupped his face in her hands. "You won't hurt me," she whispered. "You could never hurt me."

Dare nearly groaned as his heart twisted in his chest. She was trying to console him.

She kissed him tenderly, letting her warm mouth linger against his as she untied his cravat and let it drop to the floor. He drank in her kiss but then took over from her, removing his jacket himself.

While he unfastened the buttons of his waistcoat, Julienne rose from the bed and went to her bureau, where she made use of the coffer of sponges and unpinned her hair. His gaze remained riveted on her as the silken mass fell down her back.

When she returned, she finished undressing Dare, kneeling beside the bed to remove his boots and then his breeches. He reached for her then, but with her hands on his shoulders, she urged him to lie back. "No, I want to do this… please."

He lay back, quiescent, instinctively understanding her need to be in control, to prove she wasn't powerless or helpless or vulnerable.

Easing onto the bed, she knelt over him, pressing her lips against his bare chest. She kissed his entire body slowly, deliberately sweeping her hair over him as she moved lower.

Her caresses felt like silk, so soft on his skin, so poignant and incredibly erotic at the same time. He was already heavily aroused, but he hardened even further when Julienne swirled her tongue over the sensitive area of his inner thighs. Then she moved back up his body, her lips trailing fire over his flesh… his phallus, his belly, his chest…

It required almost herculean effort for Dare to lie totally still while she attended him, licking, stroking, tantalizing… She paused to brush his male nipples with her tongue before returning to his mouth, delivering a featherlight kiss that made his stomach clench in a mixture of tenderness and wrenching desire.

When her kiss deepened, his fingers wrapped helplessly in her hair. He tried to be gentle, but the coiling tension became too much to bear. Drawing her down to cover him, Dare whispered her name with a note of pleading. In response, Julienne lowered herself onto him slowly, taking him fully into her body.

Their joining was heaven. A hoarse sound escaped him at the blinding throb of sensation; his heart ached with a wild rhythm. He could feel the twisting need within her, the desperate longing to become part of him, and he reciprocated, giving wholly of himself.

They claimed each other with fierce tenderness, and in only moments the firestorm overcame them. They moved together in the throes of passion, drinking each other's cries, cresting on shattering swells that seemed to last forever.

When finally the rapture ended, Julienne collapsed limply upon Dare, trembling. She lay against his warm, powerful body, listening to the force of his thundering heart.

A serene peace washed over her. Dare finally knew the truth, that she hadn't betrayed him. She could lay the last of her demons to rest. Their lovemaking had been as exquisite as usual, but there was a newness about it… a heightened sweetness, a caring. They had given solace to each other.

She exhaled softly on a sigh. Dare no longer blamed her for the past, or for what Ivers had done. Nor had he condemned her because she'd been forced by dire circumstances to share her body. She felt cleansed somehow, as if a great burden had been lifted from her.

Her heart felt almost light. She scarcely recognized the feeling. Hope. It was an unfamiliar emotion, something she hadn't allowed herself to feel in years. She was free of the hurtful past at last.

Dare, however, could not forget, it seemed. He lay staring up at the ceiling for a long while.

"How you must have hated me," he said finally.

"No, not you," she replied, her voice soft. "Never you. I hated Ivers. I wanted to kill him."

"I intend to," Dare muttered darkly.

A sharp arrow of anxiety shot through Julienne, and she raised her head from his shoulder. "Dare, you cannot."

"Why not?"

"Because the satisfaction couldn't possibly be worth the possible consequences. If you killed him, you might very well have to flee the country. I couldn't bear it if you sacrificed yourself for my sake."

His green eyes flickered with pain as they searched hers. "Don't you want even the slightest measure of revenge?"

"At one time I did, but now… I only want to bury the past and move on with my life."

"Are you so certain Ivers will let the past stay buried? What did he want with you in Newmarket?"

Julienne flinched at the question. "He wanted money to pay his debts. He threatened to renew those old charges of treason against me if I didn't pay him."

Anger darkened Dare's eyes. "And you intend to surrender to his threats?"

"No, of course not. I told him to go to the devil. He can't hurt me any longer."

"And yet you carry a knife."

"For protection, yes."

Dare's expression hardened. "He won't get away with what he did, Julienne. He deserves punishment for his crimes."

Dare was right, she knew. Ivers shouldn't be allowed to go unpunished. But she couldn't bear the thought of Dare suffering as a result.

She gave him a pleading look. "Dare, please, promise me you won't kill him."

He tightened his jaw. "Very well… I won't kill him outright."

She stared at him a long moment, as if not quite believing him.

"Trust me," he said quietly. "I won't do anything foolish this time."

He was relieved when Julienne finally laid her head back down on his shoulder and allowed him to wrap his arms around her. But even while relishing the sensual contentment of their embrace, Dare found himself staring at the dancing shadows on the ceiling, hating with a lethal passion the vile bastard who had violated her.

He couldn't let that lie. Ivers would pay for hurting Julienne, one way or another. He would make damned certain Ivers hanged if he had murdered Alice Watson. And if Ivers was an accomplice of Caliban's, he would prove it and let justice take its course…

He hadn't told Julienne about that probable connection yet, and he wouldn't until he had Ivers in chains. This score was his alone to settle. He didn't want Julienne involved, or for her to feel required to face her attacker.

After a while, Dare heard the even sound of her breathing, and his churning thoughts turned from revenge to his own transgressions. He should be flayed alive for leaving Julienne to the mercy of that devil. He wondered how many years would pass before he could call up the memory without being sick to his soul from it.

Dare shut his eyes to cover the surge of emotion clawing inside him. He had never felt so worthless, so unworthy. Julienne had sacrificed herself for him in an effort to save him from being disinherited. It had been a noble gesture, even if misguided, and because of it, her entire life had been shattered.

He inhaled slowly to draw air into his tight, aching chest. He would have given everything he owned to be able to undo the past.

His fingers rose to her hair, caressing the sable tresses as Julienne lay sleeping. Somehow he had to earn her forgiveness. He could never make up for all the pain, for all the wasted years, but he had to try.

A desperate longing welled up within him, a fierce craving to win her heart again. Perhaps if he was incredibly lucky it might be possible…

Vowing to try, Dare slipped from her side, careful not to wake her as he covered her naked body. He intended to deal with Ivers. And then he would put his every resource, every ounce of strength and willpower he possessed, into regaining Julienne's love.