This Heart Of Mine

Chapter 10

A few hours later Molly stepped back to admire the homey space she'd created for herself on the nursery cottage's screened porch. She'd put the blue-and-yellow striped cushions on the glider and the chintz-patterned ones on the bent-willow chairs. The small, drop-leaf kitchen table with its chipped white paint now sat against one side of the screen with two of the unmatched farmhouse chairs. Tomorrow she'd find some flowers to put in the old copper watering can she'd stuck on top.

With some of the essentials she'd transferred from the B &B to the cottage, she fixed toast and a scrambled egg and carried them out to the table. While Roo snoozed nearby, she watched daylight begin to fade over the wedge of lake visible through the trees. Everything smelled of pine and the dank, distant scent of the water. She heard something that sounded distinctly human rustling outside. At home she would have been alarmed. Here she settled back in the chair and waited to see who would appear. Unfortunately, it was Kevin.

She hadn't thrown the latch on the screen door, and she wasn't surprised when he walked inside without an invitation. "The brochure says breakfast is from seven to nine. What kind of people want to eat that early when they're on vacation?" He set an alarm clock on the table, then glanced at the remnants of her scrambled egg. "You could have gone into town with me and had a burger," he said begrudgingly.

"Thanks, but I don't do burgers."

"So you're a vegetarian like your sister?"

"I'm not as strict. She won't eat anything with a face. I won't eat anything with a cute face."

"This I've got to hear."

"Actually, it's a pretty good system for healthy eating."

"I take it you think cows are cute." He couldn't have sounded more skeptical.

"I love cows. Definitely cute."

"How about pigs?"

"Does the movie Babe ring a bell?"

"I won't even ask about lamb."

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't. Or rabbit." She shuddered. "I'm not too attracted to chickens and turkey, so I do occasionally indulge. I also eat fish since I can avoid my favorite."

"Dolphin, I'll bet." He settled into the old wooden chair across from her and gazed down at Roo, who'd stirred enough to snarl. "You might have latched on to something here that I could get into. There are certain animals, for example, I find positively repulsive."

She gave him her silkiest smile. "It's well known that men who don't like poodles are the same ones who grind up human body parts in garbage disposals."

"Only if I'm bored."

She laughed, then caught herself as she realized he'd turned the charm-thing on her, and she'd nearly gotten caught up in it. Was this supposed to be her reward for agreeing to help him out? "I don't understand why you dislike it here so much. The lake is beautiful. There's swimming, boating, hiking. What's so bad about that?"

"When you're the only kid, and you have to go to a church service every day, it loses its charm. Besides, there's a limit to the size motor you can put on a boat, so there's no water skiing."

"Or Jet Skis."

"What?"

"Nothing. Weren't there ever other children around?"

"Sometimes a grandkid would show up for a few days. That was the highlight of my summer." He grimaced. "Of course, half the time that grandkid was a girl."

"Life's a bitch."

He leaned back in his chair until it rested on two legs. She waited for it to tilt over, but he was too well coordinated for that to happen. "Do you really know how to cook, or were you just winging it in front of the guests?"

"I was winging it." She lied hoping to make him nervous. Her everyday cooking might leave something to be desired, but she loved to bake, especially for her nieces and nephews. Sugar cookies with bunny ears were her specialty.

"Terrific." The legs of the chair banged to the floor. "God, this place is boring. Let's take a walk along the lake before it gets dark."

"I'm too tired."

"You haven't done enough today to make yourself tired." He was full of restless energy with no place to go, so she shouldn't have been startled when he grabbed her wrist and tugged her from her seat. "Come on, I haven't been able to work out for two days. I'm going stir crazy."

She pulled away. "Go work out now. Nobody's stopping you."

"I have to meet my fan club on the front porch soon. You need the exercise, so stop being stubborn. Stay here, Godzilla." He opened the screen and gave Molly a gentle push, then firmly closed in a yapping Roo.

She didn't offer any real resistance, even though she was exhausted and she knew it wasn't a good idea to be alone with him. "I'm not in the mood, and I want my dog."

"If I said grass was green, you'd argue with me." He tugged her along the path.

"I refuse to be nice to my kidnapper."

"For somebody who was kidnapped, you're not trying too hard to get away."

"I like it here."

He glanced back at the cozy nest she'd made for herself on the porch. "Next thing you'll be hiring a decorator."

"We rich girls like our comforts, even if it's only for a few days."

"I guess."

The path widened as it got closer to the lake, then wound along the shore for a while before narrowing again and making a sharp incline up a rocky bluff that overlooked the water. Kevin pointed in the opposite direction. "There are some wetlands over there, and behind the campgrounds there's a meadow with a brook."

"Bobolink Meadow."

"What?"

"It's a-Nothing." It was the name of the meadow on the edge of Nightingale Woods.

"You can get a good view of the town from that bluff."

She gazed up the steep path. "I don't have enough energy for the climb."

"Then we won't go all the way."

She knew he was lying. Still, her legs didn't feel as wobbly as they'd been yesterday, so she set off with him. "How do the people in the town support themselves?"

"Tourism mainly. The lake has good fishing, but it's so isolated that it hasn't been overdeveloped like a lot of other places. There's a decent golf course, and the area has some of the best cross-country trails in the state."

"I'm glad nobody's spoiled it with a big resort."

The path was beginning to angle uphill, and she needed all her breath for the climb. She wasn't surprised when he left her behind. What surprised her was the fact that she kept on going.

He called down to her from the top of the bluff. "Not exactly a walking advertisement for physical fitness, are you?"

"Just skipped a few"-she gasped-"Tae-Bo classes."

"You want me to find an oxygen tank?"

She was breathing too hard to respond.

She was glad she'd made the effort when she caught the view from the top. There was still enough light to see the town at the far end of the lake. It looked quaint and rustic. Boats bobbed in the harbor, and a church steeple peeked through the trees against a rainbow candy sky.

Kevin pointed toward a cluster of luxury houses closer to the bluff. "Those are vacation homes. The last time I was here, that was all woods, but nothing else seems to have changed much."

She took in the vista. "It's so pretty."

"I guess." He'd moved toward the edge of the bluff, where he gazed down at the water. "I used to dive off here in the summer."

"A little dangerous for a kid by himself, wasn't it?"

"That's what made it fun."

"Your parents must have been saints. I can't imagine how many gray hairs you-" She stopped as she realized he was kicking off his shoes instead of paying attention to her.

Pure instinct made her take a quick step forward, but she was too late. He threw himself into space, clothes and all.

She gasped and rushed to the edge just in time to watch the sharp, clean line of his body hit the water. There was barely a splash.

She waited, but he didn't come up. Her hand flew to her mouth. She searched the water but couldn't spot him. "Kevin!"

Then the surface rippled, and his head emerged. She released her breath, then caught it again as he turned his face to the evening sky. Water ran in rivulets over those clean planes, and something triumphant shone in his expression.

She clenched her fists and shouted down at him. "You idiot! Are you completely crazy?"

Treading water, he looked up at her, his teeth gleaming. "Are you going to tattle to your big sister?"

She was shaking so much that she stomped her foot. "You had no idea whether that water was deep enough for diving!"

"It was deep enough the last time I dove in."

"And how long ago was that?"

"About seventeen years." He flipped to his back. "But there's been a lot of rain."

"You're a moron! Have all those concussions scrambled your brain cells?"

"I'm alive, aren't I?" He flashed a daredevil grin. "Come on in, bunny lady. The water's real warm."

"Are you out of your mind? I'm not diving off this cliff!"

He flipped to his side, took a few lazy strokes. "Don't you know how to dive?"

"Of course I do. I went to summer camp for nine years!"

His voice lapped at her, a low, lazy taunt. "I'll bet you stink."

"I do not!"

"Then are you chicken, bunny lady?"

Oh, God. It was as if a fire alarm had gone off inside her head, and she didn't even kick off her sandals. She just curled the toes over the edge of the rock and threw herself off the bluff, following him into insanity.

All the way down she tried to scream.

She hit harder than he had and there was a lot more splash. When she came up, water dripped over the stunned expression on his face.

"Jesus." He spoke on a softly expelled breath that sounded more like a prayer than a curse. And then he started to yell. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The water was so cold she couldn't catch her breath. Even her bones were shriveling. "It's freezing! You lied to me!"

"If you ever do anything like that again…"

"You dared me!"

"If I'd dared you to drink poison, would you have been stupid enough to do that, too?"

She didn't know if she was angrier with him for goading her into being so reckless or at herself for taking the bait. Water flew as she slapped it with her arm. "Look at me! I act like a normal person when I'm around other people!"

"Normal?" He blinked the splash from his eyes. "Is that why I found you holed up in your apartment looking like spoiled shrimp?"

"At least I was safe there, instead of catching pneumonia here!" Her teeth began to chatter, and her icy, waterlogged clothes pulled at her. "Or maybe making me jump off a cliff is your idea of therapy?"

"I didn't think you'd do it!"

"I'm nuts, remember?"

"Molly…"

"Crazy Molly!"

"I didn't say-"

"That's what you're thinking. Molly the fruitcake! Molly the lunatic! Off her rocker! Certifiable! The tiniest little miscarriage, and she flips out!"

She choked. She hadn't meant to say that, hadn't ever intended to mention it again. But the same force that had made her jump off the cliff had pushed out the words.

A thick, heavy silence fell between them. When he finally broke it, she heard his pity. "Let's go in now so you can get warmed up." He turned away and began swimming toward the shore.

She had started to cry, so she stayed where she was.

He reached the bank, but he didn't try to climb out. Instead, he looked back at her. The water lapped at his waist, and his voice was a gentle ripple. "You need to get out. It'll be dark soon."

The cold had numbed her limbs, but it hadn't numbed her heart. Grief overwhelmed her. She wanted to sink under the surface and never come up. She gulped for air and whispered words she'd never intended to say. "You don't care, do you?"

"You're just trying to pick a fight," he said softly. "Come on. Your teeth are chattering."

Words slid through the tightness in her throat. "I know you don't care. I even understand."

"Molly, don't do this to yourself."

"We had a little girl," she whispered. "I made them find out and tell me."

The water lapped the bank. His hushed words drifted across the smooth surface. "I didn't know."

"I named her Sarah."

"You're tired. This isn't a good time."

She shook her head. Looked up into the sky. Spoke the truth, not to condemn him, just to point out why he could never understand how she felt. "Losing her didn't mean anything to you."

"I haven't thought about it. The baby wasn't real to me like it was to you."

"She! The baby was a she, not an it!"

"I'm sorry."

The unfairness of attacking him silenced her. It was wrong to condemn him for not sharing her suffering. Of course the baby hadn't been real to him. He hadn't invited Molly into his bed, hadn't wanted a child, hadn't carried the baby inside him.

"I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't mean to yell. My emotions keep getting away from me." Her hand trembled as she pushed a strand of wet hair from her eyes. "I won't bring this up again. I promise you."

"Come on out now," he said quietly.

Her limbs were clumsy from the cold, and her clothes heavy as she swam toward the bank. By the time she got there, he'd climbed out onto a low, flat rock.

He crouched down and pulled her up beside him. She landed on her knees, a cold, dripping, miserable wreck.

He tried to lighten the mood. "At least I kicked off my shoes before I dove in. Yours flew off when you hit the water. I'd have gone after them, but I was in shock."

The rock had retained some of the day's heat, and a little of it seeped through her clammy shorts. "It doesn't matter. They were my oldest sandals." Her last pair of Manolo Blahniks. Given the current state of her finances, she'd have to replace them with rubber shower thongs.

"You can pick up another pair in town tomorrow." He rose. "We'd better head back before you get sick. Why don't you start walking? I'll catch up with you as soon as I rescue my own shoes."

He headed back up the path. She hugged herself against the evening chill and put one foot in front of the other, trying not to think. She hadn't gone far before he came up next to her, T-shirt and shorts sticking to his body. They walked in silence for a while.

"The thing is…"

When he didn't go on, she looked up at him. "What?"

He looked troubled. "Forget it."

The woods rustled around them with evening sounds. "All right."

He shifted his shoes from one hand to the other. "After it was over… I just… I didn't let myself think about her."

She understood, but it made her feel even lonelier.

He hesitated. She wasn't used to that. He always seemed so certain. "What do you think she-" He cleared his throat. "What do you think Sarah would have been like?"

Her heart constricted. A fresh wave of pain swept over her, but it didn't throb in the same way as her old pain. Instead, it stung like antiseptic on a cut.

Her lungs expanded, contracted, expanded again. She was startled to realize she could still breathe, that her legs could still move. She heard the crickets begin their evening jam. A squirrel scuffled in the leaves.

"Well…" She was trembling, and she wasn't sure whether the sound that slipped from her was a choked laugh or a leftover sob. "Gorgeous, if she took after you." Her chest ached, but instead of fighting the pain, she embraced it, absorbed it, let it become part of her. "Extremely smart, if she took after me."

"And reckless. I think today pretty much proves that. Gorgeous, huh? Thanks for the compliment."

"Like you don't know." Her heart felt a little lighter. She wiped at her runny nose with the back of her hand.

"So how come you think you're so smart?"

"Summa cum laude. Northwestern. What about you?"

"I graduated."

She smiled, but she wasn't ready to stop talking about Sarah. "I'd never have sent her to summer camp."

He nodded. "I'd never have made her go to church every day during the summer."

"That's a lot of church."

"Nine years is a lot of summer camp."

"She might have been clumsy and a slow learner."

"Not Sarah."

A little capsule of warmth encircled her heart.

He slowed. Looked up into the trees. Slipped one hand into his pocket. "I guess it just wasn't her time to be born."

Molly took a breath and whispered back, "I guess not."