Whisper to Me

Chapter Twenty Rachel

“We were talking about our future, thinking about colleges, and I was wondering whether we’d really last, you know?” Miles said. I was having trouble concentrating on his actual words. I was too busy trying to remember what it had been like between us. What it had really been like. On the inside. In my gut.

Had I been happy? Had I felt whole when I was with him? Hadn’t I lain awake at night wondering when I’d finally get a backbone and become the person I was supposed to be?

I remembered admiring Dakota and Kai in those days. Not because they came from a close family. Not because they were good-looking and had loads of money.

But because both were so confident and self-assured. Even when Kai was fucking up and getting in trouble, he did it with finesse. Like he knew exactly what he was getting himself into and could remain in control. I wanted that self-possessed certainty. That poised surety. I was like some bumbling fool next to the two of them.

I got why we hung out. In the privacy of my own circle of friends, I could be funny, cocky even. But get me in front of a group of guys and I became a wallflower. And if that’s what attracted Miles to me in the first place, it was kind of pathetic. He’d once told me he’d been used to girls throwing themselves at him, and it had been refreshing being with someone like me.

Someone like me. Those words now rang true in my head.

“I mean”—Miles was still talking, and I flicked my eyes back to him—“in the end, I couldn’t see us married or anything, Rachel. And I know I gave you that ring. But . . . God, that was so stupid of me. I was confused . . . and again, feeling guilty.”

I shook my head numbly. I didn’t want him to see how much his revelation was affecting me. I didn’t want the tears that were burning the back of my throat to spill down my cheeks.

“You relied on me for a lot of things.” I gave an imperceptible nod, agreeing with him in my own way. “And . . . and I let you. You never really stood up for yourself. You became different from the girl I was first attracted to.”

I had trouble dispelling the oxygen from my lungs. I knew exactly the girl he was referring to, but I asked him anyway. “And what girl was that?”

“You were gutsy and sarcastic and seemed to have so much confidence—at least in front of your friends,” he said, and I could only agree with that. Because he was right. I had been mostly invisible to boys when next to my very beautiful best friend, and that had been fine by me. When it came to guys, I hadn’t known how to act.

Except with Kai. When he had been with his friends, I would freeze up, sure. When he’d pull me into his chest, mess up my hair, and treat me like a kid, I’d be embarrassed. But in private, when I’d spend weekends at their house, sleeping over in my best friend’s room, we’d had a blast together. We would stay up late watching movies, playing video games, sneaking into their parents’ liquor and getting tipsy.

When Kai would come home late from dates with girls, his hair mussed, his face shiny from lip-gloss, I would be intrigued. I’d wonder exactly what he’d done with those girls.

And here Miles was talking negatively about the same girl who Kai had warned me I’d become in that relationship. I threw a look over my shoulder to see if he was anywhere around. I could’ve used the distraction right then.

“Rachel?” I brought my attention back to Miles. “I’m sorry if this is hard to hear.”

“It’s not,” I said, clamping down my jaw. “I already figured all of it out myself.”

I purposely made my voice sound harsh. No way was he going to have control over my emotions again. “So go on. Say whatever else you need to say.”

Sadness filtered through his eyes before he continued. I found it hard not to look away. Seeing him miserable affected me whether or not I wanted to admit it. No matter how much he hurt me, I still cared about him. I couldn’t help myself.

It wasn’t the same kind of caring it had once been. It had evolved and transformed into something different. Something that bordered on agony. Almost like going through the surgery to put my head back together. I knew that in the end, it would be the best thing for me—despite hurting like a bitch and knowing I’d come out differently.

Others who have life-changing experiences find God, become charitable, go around preaching not to take life for granted. I’d never had that need. I figured people already knew just how precious life was.

I let other people ignore signs of my accident as they went about their daily life, because any reminder would be too painful for them. I remembered how difficult it had been for people to look me in the eyes when I’d attempted everyday tasks in the weeks following my accident—like walking into the grocery store, needing the support of my mother’s arm or a cane.

Life was hard enough.

Instead of going around preaching about just how fragile our existence was, I took life by the balls. I got my needs met—physical, mental, social—did whatever the hell I wanted, never worrying how I looked to those around me. They didn’t know me anyway.

It was a pretty fucked-up way of conducting my life, I now realized. Even I could see the absurdity of my last three years. I had been over-the-top, like a clown with too much makeup. If I’d just toned it down, people might’ve actually been able to understand me better, see me more clearly. I was just some messed-up girl trying to navigate her way through relationships and decisions. Through life.

“I asked you to take a ride on that motorcycle with me,” Miles said, with conviction in his voice. And it dawned on me that he’d been trying to navigate through life in his own way, too. “And after the accident . . . seeing you like that, knowing it was my fault?”

Suddenly his head dropped to his hands, and I was stunned into silence. “I couldn’t live with myself. With the idea that I’d hurt you.”

My fingers reached across the table to comfort him, but they fell short. He should’ve been comforting me, damn it. Not the other way around. I quickly wiped a tear from my eye, so he didn’t see it spill over.

“No, Miles.” I cleared my throat. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I was driving the damn thing, Rachel,” he said through clenched teeth. “I’m the one who was being careless. I caused the accident.”

Honestly, the revelation that he’d felt that much remorse took me by surprise. I mean, Shane felt guilty about his bike—but his guilt had looked different. Shane didn’t just fucking walk away.

“Don’t you see?” His voice was muffled by his hands. “Not only did I feel guilty about wanting to break up with you. I also had the shame of the accident.”

Those words delivered a powerful punch straight to my gut. I was surprised I wasn’t hunched over dry heaving or something.

“Got it,” I mumbled, tasting bile in the back of my throat.

I couldn’t remember a time I had felt lower as a human than waking up in the hospital, unable to speak or use my limbs. I felt my bottom lip quivering and clamped my teeth down on it. I was so close to losing it. To letting all my sorrow burst free.

“I’m so damn sorry, Rachel,” he said, lifting his head. “Please, believe me.”

I said nothing in return, maybe secretly wanting to prolong his torture.

And then fury, disappointment, and agony bubbled to the surface as I stared at his perfectly shaved head and starched collar.

What a fuck stick. A goddamn motherfucking fuck stick. Plain and simple.

And if I truly had been half the girl I pretended to be at TSU, I would have said that out loud.

For everyone in the entire universe to hear.

But he was only being honest. And I probably should’ve respected him for that. My anger deflated and then dissipated as my own pride and humiliation won out.

He had put it all on the line, never mincing words. He could have left out the bit about how he’d felt about me and just worked the guilt angle. But no, he was pouring it all out in front of me. Every last bit of his ugly words—his ugly truth.

I wanted to stomp on it and bury it deep within my subconscious.

Maybe he’d actually done me a favor. Had he hung in there with me, I probably wouldn’t have fought so hard. After all, the tears and the wallowing, the heartache and the shame did a hell of a lot to spur me on. Along with having my life hanging in the balance.

“What made you decide to tell me all of this now?” I said, trying to compose myself yet again and failing miserably. “Why wait three years, make me go through hell wondering what in the fuck was going through your head?”

“I was immature. I didn’t have the balls.” His eyes leveled on me. “I’d like to think that I’ve got myself together and am now admitting to my mistakes.”

At the cost of my feelings, I wanted to say, but I didn’t. Because on the one hand, I was grateful to truly know what he’d been thinking. I’d always wondered. Hell, I had killed myself wondering. And one day soon, it would sting less.

“I just didn’t feel like I could go on any longer without telling you how deeply sorry I am.” I saw his eyes skate over my shoulder to something behind me and I wondered just who or what he was looking at. “Do you think you can ever forgive me?”

“Forgive you?” I blinked at him. He wanted me to absolve him.

And it should have been a profound moment between us as he waited for my answer. Except that he stole a look behind me again. This time I turned in the direction he had just glanced only to see a blond girl subtly shaking her head at him. “Who in the hell are you looking at?”

“Damn it, Rachel. I’m sorry.” He sighed. “That’s . . . Melanie. She’s . . . a friend and she’s kind of here for moral support.”

I considered flinging my drink in his face, but then thought better of it when I spotted Dakota in my peripheral vision, rounding the corner on her way to the other bar on the opposite side of the casino. Hadn’t I also come seeking moral support from my friends?

“Please, don’t be upset. She encouraged me to talk to you. And . . . being around her helped me figure out that maybe I have stronger feelings for her than I’d realized.” And now he looked love-sick, and I wanted to punch him in the face. “Ha . . . haven’t you been dating anyone, Rachel?”

Nope, just sleeping around with every Tom, Dick, and Jock to get you out of my head. How pathetic. He might actually be moving on to a significant relationship, and I’d done nothing more than have meaningless flings.

I stood up, wanting to get as far away from him as possible—and I had never felt that way about him before. But I didn’t want to be in his space any longer. Not one goddamn minute more.

The truth of it made my knees feel weak. I grasped at the edge of the table.

“I need to go. Thanks for baring your fucking soul,” I spat out as his mouth hung open. “Have a nice life.” Asshole.