A Child In Need

CHAPTER NINE

SHANNI had been kissed before. Many times. Starting from when she was about twelve or maybe even before. Mary had been right when she’d told Nick the McDonald girls were desirable and boys were interested from the time they could walk. So she knew what to expect. Or she thought she did. What she got was-different.

It was Nick.

She’d felt this force fleetingly, in the car the night they’d mock-kissed outside the farmhouse, but not like this. This was like a zillion volts charging right through her, starting somewhere about her toes, coursing straight through from her lips, into Nick’s body and back to her again.

This was…right. This was how it should be, she thought wonderingly. It was as if their worlds had been heading along two different paths until this moment, but now the paths had converged. Ended. Reached their destination and their destiny.

This was where she was meant to be. Shanni’s awareness of anything but this man had shut down entirely. There was only Nick, and her whole body was lighting up as if it was on fire.

Nothing like this had happened to her before. She couldn’t believe she felt like this, and he felt it too. He must. Somehow…she knew.

Nick’s hands were holding her body into his, pulling her up to meet his kiss, and she could feel the rough maleness of his chest beneath her breasts. Her hands felt the naked expanse of his back and she clung-and clung and clung.

Nick…

Nick!

Dear heaven, she wanted him. Her thighs were on fire. Her whole body was on fire. There was a white-hot melt starting somewhere in the region of her heart.

Who knew where it had come from? How it had started? Who knew?

Maybe it had begun with attraction and compassion and the fact that Nick was a man and Shanni was a woman and he was funny and gorgeous and like no one she’d ever met before. But now… It wasn’t like that now.

It was as if they were cleaved together. Like magnet to metal-two forces irresistibly linked with a force neither had recognised until this kiss.

Nick!

But… Harry was in the bed behind them!

The little boy was fast-asleep, night terrors gone. There was little chance he would wake now-but he was there, and he was in the only part of consciousness she was capable of raising.

Nick was aware of him, too. Almost as soon as the thought of responsibilities entered her mind, the thought was with him as well. He needed to say nothing. She could feel it.

She knew this man, and together they could not forget the little one. Never.

So he put her away from him-just fractionally, but the force it took was unimaginable and the link remained, unbroken.

‘One moment… Not here. But…Shanni, love, wait.’

He moved swiftly to the bedside-drawer and she knew what he was fetching-knew it and gloried in it, because this was right. Now! Now was right.

And then he was back, sweeping her up to lie in his arms, his eyes caressing her, making love to her without a single sound. Then he turned to Harry’s bed.

For a moment they gazed down together at the sleeping child, ensuring his sleep was as sound as they knew it must be. Their need for each other was urgent, but not so urgent they could forget how much this little boy needed them.

But Harry needed nothing. His face was calmly peaceful, almost smiling, and Shanni’s mouth curved into a smile to match. It was the smile of one who knew what it was to be loved.

‘He won’t wake,’ she whispered, and it was a proclamation of love all by itself.

And then, silently, they left the room. Nick carried her into the adjoining room where the big bed waited, and he left the doors ajar so they could hear Harry if he woke.

As Shanni had known Nick would. She knew this man so well. She was so close to him.

And she wanted to be closer.

‘My love…’

‘Hush.’ Nick’s dark eyes gleamed down at her, desire flaring. It was too late to draw back now, and both of them knew it. It was too late for separation.

Shanni’s bed was before them, the covers thrown back from when she’d left with such haste. Nick laid down his precious burden and then stood, looking down at her in the dim light cast from the street lights outside.

And all the love and desire and the longing in the world were in that look, Shanni thought lovingly. A man hungering for what he’d thought he could never have.

She raised her hands, pleading.

‘Come to bed, my love,’ she whispered. ‘Come to me…’

But with a superhuman effort he held back, and heaven knew how. ‘Shanni…’ Somehow he made his voice work, and, again, heaven only knew the effort it cost him. ‘Are you sure?’

Was she sure? How could he ask that question? How could she not be sure?

This was her man. Nick was her love and nothing had ever felt so right in her life before.

‘I love you, Nick Daniels,’ she said, and her eyes gently teased him. ‘I loved you even when you wore your horrid tie and I thought you were nothing but a city lawyer on the make-and that’s saying something. But now I can run my fingers through your hair and you’re a country magistrate who belongs with me, begorra.’ She twinkled up at him but her smile was pleading. ‘And you’re the most desirable man I’ve ever met in my life before. If only you’ll come closer…’

‘Shanni…’

‘Get down here, Nick Daniels.’ She seized his hands and pulled him down to her, and he was so stunned he almost fell. Full-length he came to her, his naked chest crushing her breasts under her crazy pyjamas and his body stiffening with desire as her fingers came up and raked through his unruly hair…

With such tenderness he thought he’d melt with wanting her.

Dear God, he was on fire.

And so was she.

‘Love me,’ she whispered in the night. ‘Nick, love me-now.’

It wasn’t Nick doing the seduction. She wanted him as badly as he wanted her, and there was no possibility he could pull back.

The consequences of this night would just have to wait until tomorrow.

For tonight, there was only Shanni.

But no matter how long the night-or how wonderful-there was always the morning. The dawn saw Nick wide awake, staring up at the ceiling as if it had betrayed him.

By his side, Shanni slept on. His arm was around her, holding her close, and her nakedness and her warmth were still arousing him as no woman had ever aroused him in his life.

He thought she was the most beautiful, the most desirable, the most wonderful being he had ever met.

But he felt…wrong. Trapped?

She must have sensed it. Somehow… Her eyes flew open, she smiled at him with that smile he knew and loved so much it hurt, and her fingers came up to trace the furrow between his brows.

‘My love… Nick, what is it?’

The knowledge had been with him all night-not mentioned until now. But it was time to speak and it had to be said.

‘You didn’t tell me it was your first time,’ he said heavily, and her eyes widened.

‘No.’ She thought it over, still sleepy with love and warmth and happiness. ‘I didn’t. Does it matter?’

‘Yes.’

She smiled again and shrugged. This was nonsense. ‘I can’t see why.’

‘Shanni, you’ve been engaged. I thought…’

‘You thought what? And I have not been engaged!’ That woke her. She pushed herself up on one elbow and glared down at him in mock indignation. ‘Are you saying there’s something wrong with me because I didn’t sleep with John?’ There was such revulsion in her voice that he almost grinned.

‘No, but…’

‘But what?’

‘Why me?’ he said, and she stared down at him, her smile fading. The echo of his trouble shadowed her face.

And what could she say? There was only room for the truth. What was between them was too wonderful for anything less. ‘I guess…I guess I wanted it to be special. The first time…’

‘And?’

‘And it was.’ But her smile was now uncertain. ‘For you, too?’

‘Of course. But Shanni…’

‘I know it’s not your first time.’ She smiled, teasing him. ‘Or I assumed. Unless you’ve been saving your condom just for me for all these years…’

‘Shanni…’

‘I’m not fussed.’ She turned within his hold and kissed him lightly on the mouth-and his need for her rose so strongly within that it was almost overpowering. ‘What’s past is past.’

Only it wasn’t. His past was always with him.

‘I’m not what you want,’ he said heavily.

Silence. Then… ‘What exactly is it that you think I want, Nick Daniels?’ Her voice was low-husky-and somehow there was a hint of anger in it. ‘Apart from you making love to me.’

‘I don’t know.’ His arm tightened around her shoulders, involuntarily, catching her to him again. ‘Husband material, maybe?’

The anger was definitely there. She hauled herself out of his arms, sat up in bed and glared at him for all she was worth.

‘You’re kidding. You think I’ll be expecting to marry you now-just because I’ve slept with you?’

Yeah. Maybe he did think that. He blinked, flummoxed, but she was still on her soapbox.

‘Just because I wanted it to be special doesn’t mean I wanted it to be that special! So you can take that look of a trapped dodo right out of your eyes-this minute! And make love to me again.’

‘I…’

‘Are you refusing?’

‘No.’ Hell, no! ‘But…’

‘Stop thinking, my lovely Nicholas,’ she ordered. ‘Men are always dangerous when they think. I said I love you and I do, but loving you doesn’t mean I’m setting any trap. I’m taking each moment as it comes, and so should you. So shut up, lie back and think of England. Do anything but think!’

Only, of course he did think.

He made love to her as if there was no tomorrow, and at the back of his mind he knew just how desperately he was falling in love with this lady. She’d said she loved him and the words had exposed a hunger he hadn’t known he was capable of. But…could he return it? Could he forge a tomorrow for them? He loved her, sure, but to be a part of a family…

They showered-together-and dressed and were waiting respectably when Harry woke. And still Nick thought…

They took Harry to the zoo-and decided meerkats were the most wonderful animals in the world-and they laughed at the seals and gawked at giraffes and ate popcorn and lay on the lawns and soaked up the sun-and all the while Nick thought.

Could he take this further? If so, how far? She was so wonderful. This was so wonderful.

Could he let himself fall…?

He had his whole life mapped out, and Shanni wasn’t in it, but suddenly his life plans were looking pretty bleak. Shanni, on the other hand, was looking more desirable by the minute. She lay on her back on the grass and ate her ice-cream cone upside down-‘A feat I’ve been practising for a zillion years,’ she said-and she chuckled with Harry and told Nick he was soooo boring for choosing vanilla and choosing to eat his ice-cream the right way up.

And she found a T-shirt with a meerkat printed on the front-and promptly bought an extra-large one for Nick and a very small one for Harry and insisted Harry and Nick put them on immediately.

So Nick was forced to buy her one too-of course-and they walked around the zoo in three matching, ridiculous meerkat shirts-and then Nick saw a sign asking for sponsors to adopt a meerkat, and they promptly adopted one called Tim, because he had a sore foot and he was Harry’s favourite.

‘His birthday’s next month,’ the keeper told them. ‘You’ll come to celebrate?’

‘We surely will,’ Shanni said, eyes glowing, and Nick knew that, expectations or not, he was in so deep now he just might never get out. And he didn’t know if he wanted to get out.

And then they caught the last train home, and life started again. Life as it was meant to be…

‘Shanni, I’m engaged. Shanni, Shanni, Shanni…’ It was Louise, the next McDonald sister down from Shanni. She was standing on the platform waiting for them, and she was fairly bursting with excitement and news. She hugged Shanni, she hugged Harry and then, for good measure, she hugged Nick as well.

‘I came to collect you myself because I wanted to tell you first and Aunt Adele hasn’t been answering her phone all weekend. Where have you been? No matter. Shanni, Alastair asked me to marry him on Friday night, just after you left. Of course I said yes. We’ve been celebrating all weekend and there’s a party happening at home right now. So you need to come right on out.’

Shanni looked helplessly at Nick-this was just what she didn’t need! But Nick just shrugged and smiled. He’d been growing more and more quiet on the train journey-and now this!

‘Go ahead,’ he told her. ‘It’s been a great weekend. My car’s here. I’ll take Harry home.’

It was a dismissal-kindly meant, but a dismissal for all that-and Shanni’s heart sank.

‘Hey, you need to come, too,’ Louise told him, but Nick shook his head.

‘No. It’s a family party.’

‘But…’

‘Let him be, Louise,’ Shanni said shortly, fixing her sister with a look she couldn’t ignore. She sighed, trying to take her mind off the expression on Nick’s face-the look that said he was back to formality. ‘By the way, Louise-did you know that Aunt Adele has never been better in her life? That the story of her illness was a ruse to get me to Melbourne?’

‘Oh…’ Louise had the grace to blush. ‘Well, sort of. It was Mary’s idea, though.’

‘Why?’ Shanni was so aware of Nick’s expression. Blankly smiling… It was as if he was restoring himself to someone she thought had disappeared. But he hadn’t. He was now remembering who he was.

Any minute now he’d put his blasted tie back on!

But Louise had regained her composure and was unabashed. She gave Shanni a cheeky grin. ‘McDonald match-making, of course,’ she said blithely. ‘Plus Mary thought you needed to get away, Shanni, and we thought you three might have fun. Did you?’

‘Yes, but…’

‘There you go, then.’ All was right in Louise’s world and she had no intention of letting a guilty conscience get in the way of her joy. She beamed at the three of them. ‘Should Alastair ask Nick to be a groomsman to match you as my bridesmaid?’

‘No,’ Shanni said, revolted. ‘Louise, don’t be stupid.’

But Louise was incorrigible. ‘Am I being stupid, Nick?’ she demanded, and peeped a smile at him. Nick managed a smile back as he lifted Harry into his arms and prepared to carry him out to the car park.

‘I don’t think I’m groomsman material,’ he said shortly.

‘How about groom itself?’

‘Louise, butt out!’ Shanni was practically speechless with mortification. Her family was impossible…

‘I guess I’m not that either,’ Nick told her, and he gave Shanni a smile that was as impersonal as it was gorgeous. It was a smile that said the world was to be greeted with friendliness but held at arm’s length.

‘Goodbye, Shanni,’ he said. ‘Enjoy the party. Harry and I need to go. We’ll see you around.’

We’ll see you around… The words echoed forlornly around the empty railway station and even Louise’s smile faded.

‘Shanni, I’ll be at kindergarten tomorrow,’ Harry said urgently from his safe haven of Nick’s arms. He was trying to keep his precious link with the two of them for as long as possible. ‘And don’t forget Tim Meerkat’s birthday.’

‘I won’t forget,’ Shanni said, and she gave Harry a hug-and Nick was sort of included somewhere in the hug because, after all, he was holding Harry. ‘Tim’s a part of our family. We’ve adopted him-so how can we possibly forget?’

But Nick said nothing. Shanni gave him one long, searching look as her heart sank still further-and then she turned and followed her sister.

Because Nick’s face told her she wasn’t welcome to follow him.

He was nuts.

Nick settled Harry back with Wendy, promised him he’d visit on Tuesday night and again on Thursday, left him excitedly telling Wendy all about his new friend, Tim Meerkat, and then tried to drive home.

He couldn’t. He physically couldn’t turn the wheels of his car toward the courthouse.

Shanni was with her family, and there was a huge part of him that wanted to be right there. Part of the McDonald clan.

Part of a family.

But if he took this next step then he knew he couldn’t walk away. As he could no longer walk away from Harry.

Shanni…

The car slowed. He’d been automatically steering toward the farm, but now he turned off onto the coast road. Neither way, then. Not home and not to Shanni.

This was tearing him in two, he thought bitterly-to separate from Shanni now-but how could he take this next step?

It scared him stupid.

He couldn’t just leave it there, he knew. Her face at the railway station had been shocked into stillness. She’d taken it without flinching, but he knew he’d hurt her.

Of course you’ve hurt her, he told himself savagely. You made love to her. And now…now she needs commitment. She deserves nothing less.

As she was committed.

She’d let him take her to him, he thought-she’d let him love her, and all the love in the world had been written clearly in her eyes. Sure, she’d said she didn’t intend him to take things further, but Nick was no fool, and somehow he knew her as he knew himself.

Or maybe more so. Maybe he couldn’t know himself as he knew Shanni, and that was one of the reasons he loved her. Shanni had no ghosts in her past to rise and haunt him. No shadows that screamed Keep your distance-commitment was a thing to be feared at all costs.

So he steered his car onto the headland and sat for hours staring straight out to sea-and staring right within himself, searching deeper than he’d ever looked before.

If he let himself take the love Shanni had to offer…

He’d be taking and taking and taking, he told himself bitterly. What could he offer a girl like this? He had no family, he had no deep well of love; he had only his own insecurities and needs.

And one of those needs-cultivated from the time he’d been able to recognise any world at all-was the need to hold himself apart.

If he drove out to the McDonalds’ home now, he’d be welcomed with open arms, he knew, and he also knew he’d feel so claustrophobic he’d want to run. Because they’d expect things of him. Expect him to open his heart as Shanni had opened hers.

No!

He’d hurt her already, he told himself. Hurt her maybe unforgivably. But if he didn’t intend to take this loving further, then the time to move on was right now.

But… Dear heaven, he had to tell her.

‘Shanni.’

The hubbub was fading. Her family were still in party mode, but Louise and Mary were talking bridal plans, the men were out on the verandah talking ‘men’s talk’-or getting away from talk of veils and guest lists-and the younger McDonalds were drifting reluctantly toward bed. Shanni was inclined to join them. Her mother had been eyeing her with concern for a good while now, but Shanni had deflected her nicely. Sort of.

She knew her mother couldn’t be deflected for ever.

‘Shanni…’ It was fifteen-year-old Hatty calling from the hall. ‘It’s your gorgeous magistrate on the phone,’ she yelled, and the remaining hubbub died immediately.

All eyes flew to Shanni.

Her colour mounted. Drat her family. Drat them all… Nick must have heard that yell-he could have heard it in the next county at the level Hatty yelled.

It’s your gorgeous magistrate on the phone…

There was nothing for it. With the eyes of her entire family following her, Shanni went to talk to her gorgeous magistrate.

‘Shanni…’

And as soon as she heard his voice she knew what he intended saying. She’d known it from the railway station but until this minute she’d hoped…she’d sort of hoped…

She’d desperately hoped!

‘Nick…’

‘Shanni, I’m sorry…’

She turned her back to the kitchen, blocking her family out entirely. ‘Nick, can we talk? Privately?’ It was an urgent plea but she knew already what he’d say.

‘There’s no point.’

‘Nick…’

‘I’ve behaved like a rat,’ he said heavily. ‘I should never have let you come near me. To just…take you…’

‘We both wanted it,’ she said steadily. ‘I wanted it as much as you.’

‘I can’t take this any further,’ he told her, and Shanni heard the pain in his voice and she wanted to slam the receiver down before the words were uttered. She knew what he was going to say, but she couldn’t stop him. And here it came.

‘You’re a wonderful woman,’ he said softly. ‘Magic. Shanni, you deserve better than me.’

‘You don’t think I could be the judge of that?’ She was fighting with everything she had. There was no room for pride here. There was only her love.

‘Shanni, I’ve been alone for a long time now.’

‘Too long.’

‘Maybe. But…it’s what I’m accustomed to.’

‘But not because it’s what you want. You’re afraid to be anything else.’

‘Yes,’ he said honestly. ‘That’s the truth, Shanni. But that’s who I am.’

‘You won’t walk away from Harry?’ Her voice rose, fear flooding through for the child, and when he answered she sagged against the passage wall in some sort of relief.

‘No, Shanni. I won’t do that. While Harry needs me I’ll be there for him.’

‘And…if I need you?’ She tried so hard to keep her voice strong-but there was raw pain coming through and Nick must have heard it. His breath was raw with jagged need-a need he couldn’t acknowledge even to himself.

‘I…I don’t think you can,’ he said at last. ‘I think…needing me is really, really stupid thing. Because there’s nothing I can give.’

And, after that, there was nothing more to do than to get on with their lives.

Apart.