A Little Too Much

Chapter Sixteen

WHEN I GET to the audition a few minutes early, there’s already one girl in the small break room that I’m lead to. She’s taller than me, and brunette, with a long, thin neck and pretty face. She looks like a dancer, which makes me a little nervous. But I’m not sure she has the body to pull off the partial nude. She’s a little scrawny, to be honest.

“I’m Hailey,” the petite woman who greeted me says. “If you’d like coffee or tea, help yourself.” She waves an arm at the counter where there are pots of both coffee and hot water and a tray of muffins and croissants.

“Thanks,” I say as she turns to leave.

I grab a teabag from the basket, but as I’m pouring hot water over it into the styrofoam cup, I hear someone else come in.

“Help yourself to coffee or tea,” Hailey says again, and when I turn to size up the competition, I almost choke on my own spit.

Blondie.

How the hell did she get the audition?

“Anna?” Hailey says and the pretty brunette stands. “We’ll start with you.” She leads the brunette out of the room.

Blondie pours herself a cup of coffee as I slide into the chair the brunette was just in.

We sit in silence, ignoring each other’s existence, and I go through my lines in my head as I mindlessly flip magazine pages. I spent some time online last week checking out pictures and video of Jared Meeks, the actor we’re reading opposite. He’s hot—longish dark hair and sexy stubble, a great smile, shockingly blue eyes, and muscles on his muscles. I’ve lived my moment onstage with him over and over—the house lights down, stage lights up, the delicious sheen of sweat on his body. I’ve practiced my lines a hundred times with that image in my head. I am so ready for this.

It’s a half hour later when Hailey is back. “Bambi?” she asks into the room from the door. I think it must be a joke until Blond Bitch stands and smirks down at me on her way to the door.

“Freakshow,” I mutter with a scowl at the closed door once they’re gone.

I get up and refill my tea. “You want me. I know you do,” I say into the empty room on my way back to the table. I lower myself into my seat and close my eyes, visualizing how I want this to go. I picture myself, smooth and composed, walking onto the stage. Jared holds his hand out and I take it. “It’s my pleasure to meet you,” he says, squeezing my hand gently, and I say, “I’m a huge fan of your work,” and smile. His eyes scan my body and come back to meet my gaze, and I can tell by the appreciative glimmer in them that he likes what he sees. “Shall we take it from the top?” he asks, and I say, “Perfect.” He lets go of my hand, which he’s still holding because, let’s face it, he wants me, and I say, “You want me. I know you do,” like it wasn’t already obvious to everyone in the room.

“Hilary?”

Hailey’s voice cuts through my imagery and I blink my eyes open. She stands aside in the door. “We’re ready for you.”

Was that fast? Or was I just lost in my fantasy for longer than I thought?

I stand and she leads me up a short hall to an entrance marked stage door.

Deep breath.

I step through the door onto the stage and we pass through the curtain. In the row of seats up front is a curly-haired blond guy who reminds me of a mosquito, with bugging eyes behind thick glasses. And next to him is my leading man, Jared Meeks. I smile down at them and fist my hands into my skirt when I feel them start to shake.

No way.

No way I’m going to lose my composure now. I’ve got this. It’s mine if I just hold my shit together.

“So,” Hailey says from behind me, “Are we ready?”

I glance at her, then back down at Jared. “Yeah! I’m ready whenever you are.”

But Jared doesn’t move. He settles back in his seat and leans toward the curly-haired Mosquito Man, whispering something in his ear. They both laugh and I feel all the blood drain from my face. Are they laughing at me? Already?

My eyes flutter up from them, and halfway back, on the right side of the seats, I see Jess. She’s giving me an encouraging “go on” look. I turn and find Hailey looking at me expectantly.

“What?”

She squints at me. “Do you need a prompt?”

“What?” I ask again. What the hell is going on?

“For your first line? Do you need a prompt?”

“No! I know the line. I’m just . . .” I flick a glance to Jared, who’s stretching like I just woke him up . . . or maybe I’m putting him to sleep. I look back at Hailey, totally confused. “I thought I’d be reading opposite Jared.”

“Not today. When we have our girl, she’ll go opposite Jared, just to make sure the chemistry’s right.” She grins. “It’s your lucky day. You get to go opposite me.”

This is so not how I imagined this. But this part is still mine. I’m going to blow their socks off.

I square my shoulders and put on the confidence of a woman who’s about to proposition a man who’s totally off limits (because he’s married to her dying sister), but who she knows can’t resist her. “You want me. I know you do.”

“I do. You’re sexy and strong, and I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

I unbutton the top button of my blouse while Hailey’s delivering her line. “Then take me,” I implore, unbuttoning the second and revealing my red lace bra.

“It’s not right for us to give in to our desire, Tara. There are other people we need to consider. I have to think of Breanna. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her now, when she’s already so fragile.”

I unbutton the third. “Who cares what’s right. We need each other like oxygen. We belong together.”

Hailey steps closer and trails a finger along the butterflies on my collarbone. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be. The doctors say Breanna only has a few more weeks. Days, maybe. When she’s gone, wild horses won’t be able to keep me away from you. But for now . . .” She trails off, lifting her hand to my cheek.

I grab her hand in both of mine and hold it to my face as a tear leaks over my lashes. “No! I can’t! I can’t wait for you another day. Tomorrow will swallow us whole if we let it.” I lower her hand and slide it under my shirt onto my boob (which would be so much more effective, not to mention enjoyable, if it were Jared’s hand) as I unbutton the next button. “We can either live life scared,” unbutton, “or live life.” I unbutton the last button and my shirt slides off my shoulders to the floor. “There are no other choices.”

Hailey pulls her hand off my boob and scratches her nose. “That was great, Hilary.” She turns to Jared and Mosquito Man. “Is that good, or do we need to do it again?”

Mosquito Man raises a hand. “We’re good with the read. What you singing, honey?”

I slide my shirt back on and spend the next five minutes belting out my most heartfelt rendition of “I Had a Dream” from Les Mis. When I’m done, Hailey tells me it was great and they’ll be in touch.

I scoop up my bag and strut as sexily as I can off the stage. Jess launches herself at me when I get to the bottom of the stairs. “You were so awesome!”

“I don’t know why they didn’t have me go opposite Jared,” I lament.

She shrugs. “It’s the director’s call.”

“Well, his call sucked.” I lean my forehead into hers. “Were you here for the other two auditions? How did they look?”

“The first one was pretty nervous. It took her three tries to get through the read without forgetting something. And she didn’t really act it, if you know what I mean.”

“She kept her shirt on,” I say, knowing without having to ask. Amateur mistake. They want someone with a hot body, you need to show them that’s what you got.

“Yeah. And Bambi—”

“Bambi,” I interrupt, rolling my eyes. “That’s got to be a stage name, right? I mean, any mother who would actually name her kid that should be shot.”

Jess shrugs. “That’s all I’ve ever heard anyone call her.”

I shake my head. “So how did she look?”

“She was way over the top.”

I lift my eyebrows at her. “Meaning . . . ?”

“No bra.”

Shit! That bitch.

I glance back at Mosquito Man, who’s still talking to Jared. He shoves Jared’s shoulder and they both crack up over something, then shoot a glance my way.

“Don’t worry, Hilary. You totally nailed it,” Jess says, and I force my eyes back to her. “I could almost feel the shift in your karma up there. The universe is smiling on you.”

“So when are we going out to celebrate your soon-to-be celebrity?” I ask to distract myself.

“We’ll find a free night after we both have our rehearsal schedules,” she says, nudging my shoulder with the word “both.”

I can’t help smiling. “From your mouth to God’s ears.”

“Karma, Hil. The universe owes you.”

“Tell me about it,” I say, looping my arm over her shoulder and heading for the door.

IT’S WEDNESDAY, NOT Thursday, but I’m sitting at Argo Tea anyway. There’s just something about being here that makes me feel calmer, and I need to feel calm right now. I’ve been on pins and needles since the audition yesterday.

I’m holding my cup to my face, breathing in the steam and staring out the window into the gray of an overcast winter New York day when my phone rings. I jump, thinking it might be Hailey about the part, but then I realize it’s Creed.

Alessandro.

I have the fleeting notion that he knows I’m here, but then I realize that’s stupid. He might know me better than I want him to, but he’s not psychic. I connect and lift the phone. “Hey.”

“Hello, Hilary. I’m just confirming we’re still on for tomorrow?”

“Yeah. It’s your turn, right?” It’s actually mine, but I was so stressed about the audition that he said he’d take this week.

“It is, and I think I might have something that will lift your spirits . . . literally.”

“Oh?” I ask, swirling my cup on the table.

“Wear something loose and comfortable.”

I sip my tea. “That’s all I’m going to get, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“What’s your definition of ‘loose and comfortable’?”

“Something you’d work out in.”

I stop cold, remembering what he does to stay in shape. “Please tell me we’re not boxing.”

He blows a laugh through the phone. “No. I’m afraid of you.”

The twinge of disappointment surprises me. Now that I really think about it, there’s something appealing about the thought of boxing Alessandro . . . maybe it’s that I really want to punch him . . . or see him half naked. “Yeah, well . . . someone I know taught me to throw a pretty mean punch.”

“I’m not foolish enough to get in front of it,” he says in a measured tone. “Besides, what I have planned is far more interesting.”

I take another slow sip of tea. “I’m not sure I like the sound of that.”

“You will.” I hear the smile in his voice and smile back, but then the phone beeps in my ear. I peek at the screen, but don’t recognize the number. “I’ve got another call,” I tell Alessandro, my stomach tightening. “Talk later, okay?”

“Tomorrow. Meet me at my apartment at eleven.”

I don’t have time to voice the “Whoa!” as my stomach loops at the thought of being in his apartment again. I hit connect. “Hello?”

“Hilary McIntyre?” a woman’s voice asks.

My looping stomach stalls midair. “Yes?”

“Hey. It’s Hailey Dunning . . . from the When You Least Expect It audition?”

Everything freezes. Even my blood stops cold in my veins. “Oh. Hi.”

shitshitshit

I realize my free hand is twisted so tightly into my kinks that I’m about to rip a chunk out, scalp and all, but I can’t make myself let go.

“Hey . . . sorry this took so long, but I just wanted to let you know that the director has decided to go another direction.”

My face crumples as a stone drops in my stomach. I untwist my hand from my hair and hold it over my mouth as I swallow back the tea rising in my throat. “Oh . . . okay . . . thanks.”

She blows a sigh into the phone. “Listen. For what it’s worth, I think he’s making a huge mistake. You were perfect for this part. I’m not sure he’s thinking with the right head.”

I sink deeper into my chair, working to choke back the tears I feel threaten. “So . . . it’s Bambi?”

“Yeah. Sorry. But I’ll totally let you know if I hear of anything else.”

The roller coaster ride my stomach’s on continues as it does another loop. “Seriously? You’d do that?”

“I think you’ve got real talent. Just ’cause John can’t see past his hard-on, doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve this part. I’m also going to pass your name along to an agent I know pretty well.”

“Wow. Thanks. That would be totally amazing.” That would be more than amazing. If I had an agent to set me up with more auditions, I know I’d score a part. I’ve learned a lot in the last two years.

“No problem . . . and . . .” I wait through a pause. “There’s one more thing I was wanting to ask.”

“Sure. Anything.”

“That girl you were with at the audition . . .” she says tentatively. “I think her name’s Jess or Jessica?”

“Yeah . . . ?” If she wants Jess for a part, as much as I love Jess, I swear to God I’ll slit her throat.

“Do you have her number?”

Damn. “She’s already got a really awesome secondary part in a—”

“It’s not about a part,” Hailey interrupts. When I don’t say anything, she continues. “I’ve seen her around and . . . do you know if she’s single?”

No way!

“Um, yeah. I think so.”

“I’d like to call her, so . . .”

“Oh.” So, wow. “I feel a little weird about giving her number out. Can I pass yours along and have her call you?” Normally I wouldn’t be nearly this nice, but if she’s going to be my new in, I want to keep her happy.

“Yeah, thanks,” she says, and I think she sounds a little relieved. “That would be great. This is my private cell number.”

“Okay. I’ll let her know.” Could this get any weirder?

“And sorry about the part.”

I start to say, “I’m used to it,” but decide that it would be kind of stupid to admit how many times I’ve been rejected to the one person who might be able to help me. “Thanks.”

I lower the phone and hang my head. I was so sure. I felt like my whole life was starting to fall in place. But this is like a cold splash of reality, right to the face. A hole opens up in my chest as I start to see that it was all just wishful thinking. Everything I thought was going so well is an illusion.

My heart’s still pounding as I bundle myself up and push out into the cold. Instead of the subway, to burn off some steam, I opt to walk home through the park. It’s just starting to snow—tiny flakes that stick on my jacket and in my eyelashes, but melt on the sidewalk. I’m not a big fan of winter, but it’s quiet and cold and, as the lights flicker to life along the footpaths, my heart rate starts to slow.

I take the right when the left would get me home faster and keep walking as the snowflakes get fatter and start to stick to the path. I take the next left onto the Mall without even thinking, and before I realize it, I’m at Bethesda Fountain, the tiled terrace stretching past the fountain toward the lake.

In my minds eye, it’s spring. Paddleboats drift lazily on the water, the thick drone of dragonflies and bees hangs in the humid air, and in the middle of the lower terrace, just in front of the fountain, there’s a mime doing a hideous “trapped in a box.”

A sixteen-year-old Alessandro is sitting on the cement bench to the left of the fountain with his sketch pad.

“Whatcha drawing?” I ask him, nudging my shoulder into his, thinking it’s going to be the mime.

He turns the pad, and I see the sketch is me. My head is resting on the back of the bench and my eyes are closed. I’m tipping my face up to the sun. And I’m smiling.

“Stop it!” I laugh, grabbing his sketch pad and bolting off the bench. Alessandro grins and chases me. I dart around the fountain, and when I glance over my shoulder, I realize Alessandro went around the other way. I cut back the way I came, looking over my shoulder for him, and see him coming fast. But, just as Alessandro catches up to me, I slam into the mime.

Alessandro catches me in his arms as the mime drops a string of every curse word he can think of on me. But the next second, we’re surrounded by butterflies.

I reach up to catch one and a fat, wet snowflake splats on my forehead, wrenching me out of the memory.

And the next second I’m sobbing.

I stand here in the middle of the lower terrace with my face in my hands as tears heave out of my soul in a stream that I can’t stop. I’ve been grieving the girl I was with Alessandro for eight years. It’s the only time in my life I was ever truly happy. I know, even if Alessandro had stayed, things would have changed. But as I look at what I’ve become, I realize every bit of hope, and trust, and love I felt that day died a long time ago, leaving only the tough, gritty bits behind.

But now Alessandro’s here, and I feel the dead parts of me coming back to life. Being with him again might gain me back my soul, but at what cost?

Too much has happened. There are too many secrets. I have so much to gain, but more to lose.

I have everything to lose.