A Little Too Much

Chapter Twenty-Eight

WE MEET AT Argo Tea and Alessandro beams when I tell him my news.

“I never doubted your talent,” he says, reaching across the table and weaving his fingers into mine.

“I just can’t believe it’s finally happening.” It still doesn’t feel real.

He scrapes my chair closer and lifts me into his lap, and I ignore the stares from the table next to ours as he kisses me. “Congratulation,” he says when he finally lets me go.

“Thanks.” I nip his lip. “You ready?”

“I am.”

We stand and he helps me into my jacket. I lead him down the first set of subway stairs we come to. He doesn’t ask where we’re going, and it’s a good thing, because I don’t know.

A train is just whooshing up to the platform when we get there and Alessandro moves to get on, but I grab his arm.

“Not yet,” I tell him because, from somewhere deep in the echoey station, I hear the faint chords of a guitar. I take Alessandro’s hand and follow the sound to the stairs between platforms, where I find a young blond guy on a folding stool, strumming out “Stairway to Heaven.”

I glide my arm around Alessandro’s waist and lean into him. When he finally figures out that we’re not actually trying to catch a train, I feel him relax into me. He pulls me closer, looping both arms around my shoulders, and, as Guitar Man segues into an Evanescence song that I don’t remember the name of, he starts to sway us to the rhythm.

After two more songs, I throw a couple dollars in the open guitar case and we move to the train. We ride the subway, changing lines randomly, and as we roll into each stop, I scan the platform. When the doors slide open, I listen through the rustle of the crowd for music. And wherever I find it, we get off and listen.

Some of the musicians are really good, like Guitar Man, and others truly suck, but either way, I leave two dollars in their hats or cases or whatever. Three hours later, after ten stops, I’m down to my last two dollars.

We roll into Union Square Station and, as I listen, I finally hear what I didn’t even realize I’ve been listening for. I grab Alessandro’s hand and pull him off the train. After it whooshes away, I zero in on the rich notes of the sax and follow my ears.

He’s outside the turnstiles, just like he was the first night I ever saw him, four months ago . . . the night Alessandro found me. I tow Alessandro through without hesitating and find the guy with long, stringy, gray hair in his face sitting cross-legged on the cement floor, his grungy sax case open in front of him. He still seems just as sad as he did that night, or maybe even sadder. He doesn’t look up at us as he plays, but his song wraps itself around me and speaks to my soul.

Alessandro steps up behind me and slips his arms around my waist, and I close my eyes and listen. Just like that first night, I picture all the notes fluttering in the air like butterfly wings, and instead of making me feel sad . . . trapped, I finally feel free.

I’m shedding my secrets and coming clean. I’m letting go of my fear and anger. I’m starting out of the dark tunnel I’ve been living in for so long, and the tighter Alessandro holds me, the freer I am.

MALLORY TAKES OUR jackets when we get to her house. “Make yourselves comfortable,” she says with a wave of her hand at the family room. On the coffee table is a spread of munchies, and I hear Jeff crashing around in the kitchen.

“Where are the boys?” I ask when it stays quiet.

“We sent them over to Wendy’s for the night.” The way Mallory says it, I know tonight’s going to be all business.

Jeff comes in from the kitchen. “Hi, Hilary.” His eyes shift to Alessandro and give him the once over. “I’m Hilary’s brother-in-law, Jeff,” he says holding out his hand. “We didn’t really have a chance to meet at the cemetery.”

Alessandro takes his hand and gives it a firm shake. “Alessandro. It’s a pleasure.”

“Well . . . make yourselves at home,” he says with a tip of his head at the couch. “What can I get you to drink? Beer? Wine? Soda?”

Alessandro and I take seats on the couch, and Mallory sits beside me. “Wine,” she says, a little too fast. Her nerves are already shot, I can tell.

“Wine sounds lovely, thank you,” Alessandro says.

Jeff looks at me and for a second I think about saying wine too, but decide it’s too early to pick a fight. “Diet.”

I pluck a bruschetta off the tray in front of me as Jeff turns for the kitchen.

“Who is the cook?” Alessandro asks, helping himself to a stuffed mushroom.

“Jeff, mostly,” Mallory says, then she shifts beside me and levels Alessandro in her gaze. “First, I want to apologize for my behavior at the cemetery.”

“You were grieving,” Alessandro says. “It was understandable.”

She nods, and her eyes flick to me, then back to Alessandro. “Hilary’s never shared details with me about your relationship in the group home.”

And I guess we’re diving right in.

Alessandro glances at me as if asking for permission. I shrug and he looks past me at Mallory. “My brother and I were there for only a few months, but Hilary and I grew very close during that time.”

Her eyes simultaneously widen and narrow in her patented disapproving skeptic’s squint. “Very close, obviously.”

He nods slowly. “I cared for her a great deal.”

Jeff comes back into the room. He sets our glasses in front of us on the coffee table, hands Mallory her wine, and settles into the armchair next to her.

She takes a long sip, then looks hard at Alessandro. “Were you the one who got her involved with drugs?”

“My brother and I both dealt drugs then,” he answers. “I wasn’t a good influence on Hilary.”

“It wasn’t you, Alessandro,” I say, unable to let him take the blame for my choices. I’ve shed some pretty major secrets lately. May as well shed them all. I look at Mallory and breathe deeply. “I wasn’t ‘involved with drugs,’ ” I say, making air quotes. “I was never an addict.”

Alessandro’s fingers weave into mine and squeeze as Mallory narrows her eyes at me. “Hilary, rewriting history isn’t going to help you.”

“I took those pills because I was done. I was scared and alone and pregnant and . . . I couldn’t do it anymore.”

Jeff’s mouth falls open and Mallory turns ash white. “You . . .” She drops her head into her hand. “Oh, God. This is my fault.”

“It’s not anyone’s fault, Mallory,” I say. “I made the choice.”

Jeff squeezes her hand harder. “I think our primary concern, Alessandro,” he says, bringing the conversation back to the here and now, “is what is going to happen from here. Considering your history together, we don’t believe that it’s healthy for Hilary to spend time with you.”

One of my fists balls into the couch cushion and the other nearly snaps the bones in Alessandro’s hand. “You two don’t get to decide that,” I spit, feeling totally betrayed that Jeff let Mallory manipulate him.

Mallory lifts her head from her hand and glares at me, but Alessandro takes my hand into both of his and kisses my knuckles, giving me an “it’s okay” look.

“I don’t know how much Hilary has told you about me, but for a good portion of the time I was away from New York, I was training for the Catholic priesthood. I attended seminary in Rome and was within a few days of being ordained before I realized the priesthood wasn’t my path. I was very troubled when I left New York, and it was the faith that our family priest in Corsica showed in me that pulled me out of my self-destructive spiral. Because of this, working with children is my passion. I am the director of Teen Services at the Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers Center on the Lower East Side. My goal is to give those children a sense of self-worth and encourage them to be good Christians and good people, just as Father Costa did for me. I’ve made mistakes I can never undo,” he says with a sideways glance at me, “but I have, and will continue to spend my life atoning for them as the Lord shows me opportunity.”

Mallory shoots a wary glance at Jeff. “That’s commendable, but it doesn’t change our concern. That was a difficult time for Hilary, and I’m not convinced that having you here . . . reminding her of it, is in her best interest.”

“Mallory,” I warn through a tight jaw. You’d swear from the conversation that I must be five years old.

Her gaze becomes sharp as it cuts to me. “I worry about you, okay? It’s a habit that doesn’t die easy.”

“I understand your concern, Mallory,” Alessandro says, his eyes slipping to mine again, “and I shared it at first. I was worried about what I would find when I went looking for Hilary, and when I found a beautiful, capable woman, I worried what seeing me again might do to her. I even left, trying to protect her, but the truth is, I loved your sister then, when we were both so broken, and despite myself and my best intentions, I’ve fallen in love with her all over again. As long as she’s willing, I intend to be a part of her life. I’d also like to be a part of Henri’s, if you’ll allow it.”

“He’s not ready to know the truth,” Mallory says, her voice suddenly sharp.

“I respect your decision as a parent as to what’s best for your children. All I ask is that I’m allowed to know both Henri and Max. I would like to be a friend to them, and to you.”

Mallory’s face pinches. “I’m just . . . it’s too easy to slip, to say something without realizing it. And, no offense intended, but I don’t know you from Adam. How can we be sure you won’t change your mind and tell him, or petition for custody?”

Alessandro leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “You were there for Hilary when I abandoned her. You’ve been a constant positive in her life when she’s so desperately needed one. And your son is the amazing child he is because of his parenting. I would never dream of doing anything to hurt him, or you.”

She and Jeff exchange a look and Mallory produces three stapled pages of white paper from the side table. “Would you sign this petition to waive your parental rights?”

Alessandro reaches across me and takes it from her shaking hand. He reads over the first page, then looks at me with a question in his eyes.

“I had to sign one when I gave Henri up for adoption,” I tell him.

He nods slowly then shifts his gaze to Mallory. “Do you have a pen?”

The tension in the room seems to palpably bleed out as Mallory hands him a pen and he signs.

Jeff squeezes Mallory’s hand and pushes up from his chair. “Thank you, Alessandro,” he says, extending his arm.

Alessandro stands and shakes his hand. “Thank you for being there for Hilary when she needed you.”

Jeff gives him a nod. “Dinner is just about ready,” he says, turning for the kitchen, “ . . . if we haven’t killed your appetite,” he adds with a teasing smile over his shoulder at me.

Dinner conversation is lighter. We tell Mallory and Jeff about our Thursdays and Jeff asks Alessandro for information on Pizza for the Masses. Mallory suggests the High Line in the spring if we haven’t seen it and Alessandro adds it to his list.

When we’re through and Mallory packs up a bag of leftovers for Alessandro, I can’t help but smile. He has her stamp of approval. As much as she wants to, even she can’t resist him.

As we’re standing on the subway platform after making the transfer from the PATH, Alessandro scoops me into his arms and kisses me. “I’ve been dying to do that all night,” he says when he pulls away.

I raise my eyebrows at him. “What took you so long?”

“I was trying to appear the gentleman for your sister, and I knew if I started, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you.”

“You can’t keep your hands off me?” I say, running a hand seductively over my hip.

He smiles and leans in to kiss me again, his hands gliding over my curves, leaving me gasping for air.

He nips my bottom lip between his teeth and tugs gently. “Take me home with you,” he whispers against my lips.

I trace a finger down his abs to the button of his jeans. “You don’t think maybe we should slow down a little?”

His perfect mouth pulls into a sexy half smile and there’s a wicked spark in his eye. “Oh, I intend to go tortuously slow.”

The muscles in my belly contract as the tingle between my legs becomes a hot, pulsing ache. I grin with the rush and bump him with my hip. “Two can play at that game, mister.”

His hand slips to my ass as the train whooshes into the station, and if he’s not careful, everyone on the E train is going to get a show.

I WALK INTO the 115th-Street library determined not to be scared anymore. And when I look around, I see there’s no reason to be. The gang’s all here, except Mike.

Nathan smiles from across the circle and gives me a little wave.

“Irish! Long time no see!” Quinn shouts. “How’s our resident celebrity?”

“Way to steal her thunder, Quinn,” Nathan says.

I stop in my tracks. “How did you hear?”

He winks. “An old guy like me knows people.”

I step into the circle and Quinn wraps me in a bear hug. “I’m proud of you, Irish,” he says lower, just for me.

“Thanks, Quinn.”

“We’ve got a celebrity in the house!” he announces to the group, clapping me on the back. “Irish is getting ready to take Broadway by storm.”

“Off-Broadway,” I mutter, embarrassed.

“Tell everyone about your role.”

“The production is called Don’t Look Back, and it’s opening at Theatre Row in April. It’s a contemp about two sisters who have . . . issues. I’m Rene, the younger sister. Our mom is kind of psycho and I’m her favorite, which seriously screwed up my older sister. We basically hate each other at the beginning because we’re so different, but then our mom dies and we’re stuck together going through all her stuff, and we figure out that we’re really exactly the same.”

“And she’s comping us all tickets!” Kamara shouts.

“I will if I can,” I say, and it’s true. Being part of this group is what has kept me going for the last two years. They’ve kept me from giving up.

“Nah,” Vee says. “She’ll get all famous and won’t remember we exist.”

“I won’t. As long as you let me, I want to keep coming.”

Quinn smiles. “You’ll always be welcome here. And I think, in celebration, we need a reprisal of one of your most challenging roles.” He looks at Nathan. “You ready, Prince Phillip?”

Nathan smiles and stands as I grumble, “Oh, no.”

Quinn pulls me up by the arm. “Show us what you got, hot shot.”

I meet Nathan in the middle of the circle. “Where’s Mike?” I ask so only he hears.

He leans close to my ear. “I told the asshole to take a hike.”

“Thanks.” I take a breath. “So, you ready?”

He nods and flashes me a wily smile. “You own this prissy little bitch.”

I laugh and launch into Aurora. And I let all my soft spots show.

I always thought being strong meant pushing everyone else out and never showing weakness. What being with Alessandro has taught me is that strength is really putting yourself out there and not hiding who you are. We’ve talked a lot about our time together at the group home. He’s reminded me of the endless conversations we had. I’d forgotten how much I told him, but I’m glad I did. After everything that happened I wanted to forget myself. Talking to him has reminded me of who I really am.

I want to be that person again . . . the person who dares to believe that things might just work out. The person who dares to let people really see her, the good and the bad. The person who dares to live her life without being afraid. Without hiding that fear behind sharp edges that will cut anyone who gets too close.

I think Quinn knew that, when I filed down all the sharp edges and I let the real me show, I wouldn’t be scared anymore. He was right.