An Oath to Mida

11 A thing called snow—and the beginning of freedom

I woke to the light of the new fey, and found that I lay wrapped before the dying fire in the badly cured lenga pelt which Telion had worn upon his journey to the village. The dwelling was somewhat chilled, yet it seemed clear that someone had put wood upon the fire rather late to assure a continued fire through most of the darkness. I remembered naught of having fallen asleep, nor did I remember having wrapped myself within the pelt. Telion had not spoken to me again after I had left his side, but another had spoken to me as I lay in sleep, and my confusion was now greater than ever.

As had happened once before, Mida had walked my dreams, and had spoken to my sleeping mind. The golden glory of her had not so much awed me as given me pain, and I turned my head from her glowing brilliance, knowing I was not fit to look upon it.

“You have called to me much when I was not able to answer,” she said in the sweet tones I knew so well. “Have you no questions for me now that I stand before you?”

“There is only one,” I replied, keeping my face turned from her. “I would know my full failure so that I might in part understand my punishment.”

“Ah, Jalav,” she sighed, and the sadness within her voice dimmed the brilliance I had come to expect. “My warrior has not failed me, nor is it punishment that you now face. As ever, you serve my purposes, and serve them well and ably. Had I been able to speak to you of this sooner, much agony would have been spared you.”

“Mida, I do not understand!” I cried, turning again to her golden, glowing form. “I have been made captive to males, shamed and enslaved by them, and this was done by your will? How can it not be punishment?”

The golden glow surrounding her pulsed in agitation, and I saw that complete calm was no longer hers. Her slim, long-fingered hands grasped one another, and gentle pain showed upon her lovely face.

“Jalav, it was necessary that you join these males upon their journey,” she said, her voice striving for my understanding. “It is a thing that has long since been decreed by the Snows, and a thing that I, myself, cannot change—nor would I change it even if I were able. If we are to be victorious over the coming strangers, you must make this journey shown so clearly in the Snows.”

My head whirled with confusion, yet there was no need to voice my disturbance. Mida stepped closer, and looked down upon me with pity.

“I know well the many shames you have been subjected to,” she said, “and know, too, that there is more yet before you. You must bear it all with the strength of a war leader, for there is much left for you to do. There is no other I may call upon save you, Jalav, and you must not fail me.”

“I hear, Mida,” I whispered, still finding no understanding. “I will not fail you.”

“I have never doubted the loyalty of my Hosta war leader.” She smiled, the calm now returned to her. “That your life has so many times been returned to you should prove my continued love and need. Do not again seek destruction, Jalav, for all shame will eventually be wiped away. If I do not speak to you soon again, do not despair. I cannot reach through when you lie close beside a male or in the grip of a sleeping potion. When next we meet, it will not be in sleep.”

She faded from my sight then, and deep sleep returned to me, yet upon awakening, I could find little sense in what I had learned. There was endless relief in knowing that I had not been abandoned in my need, yet Mida had not said when my captivity would end, nor had she given me leave to resist it. My sworn word still bound me as closely as ever, and somehow I felt that Mida was unable to intercede for me. To my great disappointment, it was now clear that Mida was not all powerful, that there was another whose will superceded her own. I moved in annoyance within the lenga pelt, wondering if I were to assist her in destroying this other. No mention had been made of what was expected of me, save that I was not to seek destruction, and that I was to bear the shame given me without regret. I turned my head to see Telion and Ceralt asleep in their furs, and an anger tinged with hatred filled me. What further shame would be heaped upon me by their doing? What more must I face before freedom was again returned to me? I knew not, yet I had no doubt. Mida had spoken of it, and it would prove to be so.

As I no longer felt the need for sleep, I arose from the fur, donned my leather covering, and began encouraging the fire into new life. My life sign had lain upon the floor where I had dropped it, and after no more than a brief hesitation, I had again knotted it about my throat. I had as yet no real desire for my soul to be preserved, yet Mida had said that there was much I must do for her. Perhaps in that doing, the shame would be washed away from my soul, and I would again be worthy of the Blessed Realm. I had no real hope of such a thing, yet was it possible.

After I had set the falum to cook, I went to a window to look out. It seemed much lighter past the window than it should be, and my curiosity had been aroused. I had no other thing to do than set the falum to heat, for the pots which had been used the darkness previous had already been cleaned and returned to their places. I knew not whose hand had done the deed, yet I was pleased that it need not be my hand which was set to such an undertaking. This cleaning and cooking was fit only for males and slaves, and I, a war leader of the Hosta, need not concern myself with them forever. At some time, with the blessing of Mida, I would again ride free.

When I reached the window, all thoughts of cleaning and cooking and males left me, and I found myself able to do no more than gape and stare. There was much reason for the lightness I had seen there, and I grasped the edges of the window in wonder as I looked out. Everything without was covered by a blanket of whiteness, the ground, the trees, the dwellings—everything! Lightly, lightly, a flaky whiteness fell from the skies, thicker yet more silent than rain, and as the whiteness fell, all beneath it was completely covered. Never had I seen such a thing, and never had I imagined that such a thing might be. The whiteness fell and covered all beneath it, and seemed be going to continue forever. I saw that the ground could no longer be seen, and wondered how one moved about in such a medium.

“That is called snow,” came Ceralt’s voice from just behind me, a light amusement clearly to be heard. “It is another reason why wenches here wear full garments rather than clan coverings.”

“From whence does it come?” I asked, unable to draw my eyes from the silent inundation of whiteness. “And how long will it continue so? Already many things cannot be seen.”

“It comes from the skies as rain does,” Ceralt replied, his hand gently stroking my hair. “It is far too cold for it to appear as rain, yet it is not cold enough for sleet. I know not how long it will continue this time, but there have been snows which have covered entire halyars, roofs and all.”

My first response to a statement such as that would normally have been anger, thinking that I was being made sport of, yet the rapidity with which the whiteness covered all it touched made the statement a not unreasonable one. I stared without in dismay, standing higher on my toes to see the depth it had already reached, and Ceralt laughed in high humor.

“Do not fear, wench, we will not be snowed in this time.” He chuckled, putting his hands upon my waist to draw me from the window. “Our journey shall begin with the next new light, and there is naught that Lialt has seen to keep us from it. Though as I think upon it, being snowed in would undoubtedly suit you quite nicely. ”

“Suit me?” I echoed, not following his reasoning. “I know naught of this snow, and have never experienced it. How, then, might it suit me?”

“In such a way,” he grinned, drawing me closer to his bare chest. “When one is snowed in, there is little else to do other than dally and sport, a thing you have great interest in, eh, varaina?”

My cheeks burned red at the memory of my shame, and I sought to push from the circle of his arms, yet he held me to him with a further laugh and took my lips despite my struggles. How I hated the thought of his ridicule, yet when his arms were about me and his lips were upon mine, I was no more than a slave to him, his without question. He held me still and took my lips, and my body burned with the need for him even as I begged Mida to hasten the time I might be freed from him. The crippling need he brought upon me had no place in the life of the war leader, and I wished no more of the slavery of blood heat, the chains of my body’s longings. His lips left mine to touch my throat, and I moaned and pressed myself to his bare body, begging his use in all but words. Again he laughed, exulting in my weakness, and then I was lifted in his arms, to be carried to his furs and placed upon my back. My body writhed with desire as his hands went to my copper belt and removed it, and I raised my hips so that he might rid me of the covering I wore, yet I realized too late that he had not loosened the ties of the covering. With the garment up above my head and arms, it became clear that the oversight was no such thing. With the garment and much of my hair in one of his hands, I was forced to my knees upon the pelt, my face and head hooded, and made to writhe and cry out to the urgings of his free hand and lips. I was able to see naught save the leather before and about me, yet the darkness was little comfort in the agony he caused. Ceralt saw, and Telion as well, and my body leaped and rose in a light unshared by my vision. I sobbed and wept and begged for my use, and when at last this was granted me, it was as a slave I was used. Still upon my knees, head and arms forced down to the pelts, I was used by Ceralt from behind, knelt before my master and forced to give him pleasure. Though the use was not the same, the position brought strong, ugly memories of Nolthis and I cried out in protest over such humiliating use, yet Ceralt took no more note than Nolthis had. I was used completely and well, and then allowed to lie undisturbed a moment before Ceralt announced his wish for the falum. Choking upon a bottomless rage, I raised myself from the fur, fought my garment straight, then retrieved my belt. Telion lay upon his own fur, his hooded eyes upon me, and I burned with shame that he had witnessed such humiliation. I took my gaze from him and went to the hearth, and heard naught of what passed between the two males in conversation.

The fey was too long, giving me overmuch time for thought. Ceralt saw to his own feeding and, as was to be expected, mine, then he and Telion left the dwelling. Ceralt had provided leather and fur garments for Telion, and the male warrior donned them with much relief, afterward buckling on his swordbelt below the silver belt village males wore. The fur leg coverings gave height to his appearance, a thing his massive frame had no need of, and something of good humor had returned to him by his departure. I saw to the falum pots and the doings which Tarla had taught me, then went to kneel in the hearth corner.

The whiteness still fell beyond the window, yet I could no longer find interest in the thing. My eyes insisted upon sliding to the weapons upon the wall, and my hands upon my thighs had turned to fists. When I had thought myself abandoned by Mida, something of acceptance of the slavery had come to me, yet that acceptance was no longer to be found. I now burned to be free and upon my way once more, and no more than the will of males stood before me. My head rose high at the thought of Ceralt, and much hate consumed what inner calm I had managed. For him to treat a warrior so, a war leader of the Hosta! I looked about the dwelling I knelt in, seeing the wood of the floors and walls, the piles of garments, the small platforms, the stone hearth beside me, all things which were possessions of Ceralt, all things which he might use as he willed. I knelt among these things, yet I was no longer one of them, no longer that which Ceralt might own. Soon I would find myself freed from his possession and again about Mida’s work, as I had always wished to be. Then, briefly, I recalled how Ceralt had once been, strong yet gentle, difficult to please yet caring, and again a sense of loss came to me which bowed my head, yet I pushed these thoughts aside and straightened once more. Ceralt the male was naught to me, no more than a male should be, and it was foolishness to find disappointment in that which he did. Soon I would be rid of him and all things male, and would again ride beneath the shield of Mida.

Ceralt and Telion returned for their mid-fey meal, then left as soon as it had been consumed. Their words had been much concerned with riders and tentings and lanthays and supplies, and I wondered at the need for such lengthy preparations. When Hosta rode to hunt or war, little more than mounts and weapons were needed or sought. Should these males find the need to do battle, I thought it likely they would take a hand of feyd and more to find the place of their swords. I disliked the taste of the meat Ceralt had fetched and ate little of it, yet the male took no note of my actions, instead being too occupied with speaking to Telion of the ways which must be traversed to reach Sigurr’s Peak. Telion, however, between jocular remarks upon the object of our journey, took full notice of how little I fed upon, yet made no mention of it to Ceralt. I knew not why this should be, yet also cared not, and was pleased to see them go. The actions of males were a warrior’s shame, and best kept well away from them.

The whiteness continued to fall most of the fey, yet ceased a hin or so before full darkness. It lay mounded upon the ground between dwellings, surely more than ankle deep, and the great silence surrounding it and the village was somewhat unsettling. The Entry to Mida’s Realm, round and golden, rode the skies as darkness fell, and strange shadows chased one another across the unbroken whiteness. I stood by the window and gazed out, finding an odd and chilly beauty in the sight, pleased that I had been able to see the thing called snow, yet anxious to return to lands which were not covered so. It seemed likely that game would now be scarce, and the villagers would find greater need to depend upon the herds they kept to feed upon. A true need for those herds was now evident, yet I liked it not. Far better to feed oneself from the bounty of Mida’s forests in warmer climes, and leave the chill of the snows for those who knew no better.

The males returned in good spirits, laughing with one another as they stamped the snow from their foot coverings, and hung their body furs upon the wall. All was now prepared for the journey, it seemed, which would begin with the first, faint touches of the new light, and both males appeared anxious to begin. Ceralt carried rolled up leather which he placed beside him upon his lenga pelt, and did not return his attention to it till we had fed. Again I had been knelt before him to feed, and when he had seen the last of the grilled meat and vegetables within me, he put his board and pot aside.

“Telion and I have brought you a gift,” said he with a grin, reaching for the rolled up leather. “Remove your garment, and we shall see how well it becomes you.”

I knew not what he was about and cared little for his humor, yet there was naught I might do save obey. When my copper belt and leather garment lay upon the floor, he unrolled the leather and produced a breech, body covering and leg coverings such as those he wore. The garments seemed odd to me, and he chuckled as he held them out.

“Go on, take them,” he urged, his eyes measuring my body. “They should be a passable fit, and better than the other wenches will find. They are not as long of leg as you, and few of my riders fail to top them by less than four hands. The poor wenches are sure to be dismayed, yet one cannot ride a lanthay in a skirt.”

“At least, not the sort of skirt your village women wear,” Telion put in as I took the breech from Ceralt’s hand. “The skirting of Jalav’s wenches seemed no hindrance at all.”

“They would also be no hindrance to freezing solid,” Ceralt added with a laugh. “No matter how attractive the style, it becomes highly impractical outside of their own lands.” His eyes followed my motions as I first donned breech and body leather, then slipped into the leg coverings, which were secured to the breech at either side of my body at the hips. The leg coverings were somewhat long, yet otherwise fit well, and with all in place, it was easily seen that the fur body covering worn without the dwelling would fall to a place upon my thigh below the junction of breech and leg covering. In such a way would the chill winds be kept from my flesh, while avoiding the confinement of my previous garment. The new leather pleased me, and I smiled a bit realizing that freedom was beginning to return to me. Mida had spoken, and her warrior would soon find release.

“Do not grow too fond of such trappings,” Ceralt’s voice came, and I looked down to see that his eyes were upon me, a hardness in them even though his face wore an easy smile. “When we return from this journey, you will return to the garments of a woman, for that is what you are. A woman. Clear the plates and prepare my furs, for the new fey brings an early beginning.”

I stood no more than a moment before turning to do his bidding, yet it must surely have been with Mida’s aid that I controlled my fury. Stiffly, I took the boards and pots to the hearth, yet my mind knew naught of what my hands did. You are a woman, he had said, no more than a lowly female, he had meant, and the thought drove my rage so high that I trembled in an effort to contain it. Aye, Jalav was female enough, yet was she also a warrior of Mida, a war leader of the Hosta. Ceralt knew well enough of the former, yet come the fey my chains were struck away, then, then! he would learn well of the latter! Never had I raised weapon to Ceralt, and much had I believed that I would find myself unable to do so, yet the passing feyd made the thought of such a doing more and more pleasant.

I did as I had been bidden to do, and fumed all the while, and at last all was seen to and my anger somewhat cooled. When I returned from drawing the leather through the door, Telion already lay within his furs, as did Ceralt. I had earlier heard my use being offered once more to Telion, yet the male had refused, saying he had greater need of what sleep he might find, so I was therefore gestured to Ceralt’s furs. My mind felt great reluctance when I knelt beside him, yet my body quivered when he drew me close and put his lips upon mine. Such insanity it was, this desire of my body and hate of my mind, the pulling and tugging of each emotion threatening to tear me asunder with its violence. I shivered and fought the conflict within me till I was weak with the effort; then Ceralt’s hands stilled the conflict with almost no effort at all. I was his once more, body and mind, and I wept within at the ease with which he claimed me. When his use was done, and I lay in his arms, I prayed to Mida to set matters right, although as I lay against that broad chest and hard male body, I knew not how it might be done.