Asunder

12 SPIRALING

“THE TRUTH ABOUT newsouls?” I couldn’t breathe.

“No one’s sure how to respond to Templedark,” he admitted at last. “At first, the community was in shock. We reacted how we always react to battles: tend to the wounded; rebuild the city. We could do that in our sleep. But eventually, we woke up and realized.” Sam’s voice broke, and he stopped walking.

“So many souls are gone forever. We’ll never see them again. No one knows what happens after you die like that.”

Almost a year ago, he’d said the scariest thing he could think of was no longer existing. True death.

Living in Heart and witnessing Templedark gave me new appreciation for how frightening that thought was. I still didn’t know what would happen to me when I died.

I didn’t want to stop existing either.

“People are born in patterns. For me, it’s just usually being male and being born in the Year of Songs.

Nothing special. But others have the same mother or father so often it’s eerie. Most keep their close friends through generations.”

I knew all that. Sam and Stef had been friends since the beginning—five thousand years—and Whit and Orrin had practically built the library together in the first Year of Binding.

Sam went on. Fire-colored leaves floated to the ground behind him. “Some of those best friends and perpetual parents are gone. I keep thinking, what if Stef had been one of them? Or Sarit or Armande or Sine? They’ve been my friends for thousands of years.”

I couldn’t imagine. Didn’t want to imagine. I just wanted him to stop hurting.

He began walking again, fast, clipped steps like he could outrun the pain. “People want revenge.” His words almost didn’t carry over the breeze, the rustle of conifers, and the tapping of naked deciduous branches. “But Menehem is gone, at least for now. There’s no one to punish.”

Waiting for his return had to be unsatisfying. I was the next logical choice.

“The Council wants to search your room for anything Menehem might have left you.”

“Why?” I hugged my notebook to my chest as we turned onto his walkway. A chill breeze tugged at the rose in my fist, and leaves skittered across the cobblestones.

“They’re afraid Menehem might have left clues for you, and they’re afraid of what would happen if you knew how to put Janan to sleep.”

“Oh. Even though I just told them it isn’t possible?” Maybe they’d seen through my lie after all. The thought made me sick and dizzy. “Anyway, how could they think I’d risk sacrificing my friends? Or you?”

For a moment, I hoped he might joke about being upset that he wasn’t my friend, but he just turned his face to the sky and sighed.

“You know I’d never risk you.” The wind nearly stole my words away. I stepped closer, heart aching.

“You know I’m not like Menehem. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I’d never do what he did. You know that, right?”

“I know.” He stared far away, cracks showing in his normally calm demeanor. They’d planted something nasty inside of him, and it was growing, bursting out. “I think they’re imagining what it might mean, you not being the only newsoul anymore. Having more has never been a possibility before, but if you knew how to do it—”

“I’d never risk you. You know how I feel.” Didn’t he? Maybe he didn’t, if I couldn’t say it. “And it seems like everyone else knows how I feel, too.” Given how often they gossiped about our relationship.

I shifted my belongings to one hand and touched his shoulder. We stood there in the middle of the walkway, underneath one of the skeletal fruit trees and a sky full of clouds. Chickens and cavies rustled in their pens, softly clucking and wheeking as they waited to be fed.

The world moved around us while I waited for him to look at me. While I waited for him to believe me.

“You know how I feel,” I repeated, heart twisting into knots. “But maybe the newsouls being born, like Lidea’s baby, won’t have the same problems I did.” I stopped myself before adding, “Still do,” but only just. He knew.

“Are you”—his words came like dread—“happy that newsouls are being born? That you’re not the only one?” His face revealed no hints of his true question.

“Yes? No?” I dropped my hands to my sides, notebook and rose still clutched in my fist. “It’s not safe for newsouls, and I’m terrified we’ll never be accepted. So no, I’m not happy they’re being born into this life. And I’m not happy that darksouls are gone. Friends, families. I did everything I could to avoid losing anyone.”

“I remember.” The words became white mist, and he didn’t look at me.

“Some souls aren’t coming back. There’s nothing we can do for them now. So in that, I am happy newsouls are being born. It’s better than no one being born.” Gooseflesh prickled over my skin as I stared at the sky, searching for answers in cloud formations. “Ever since Anid was born—since I realized I hadn’t just gotten stuck or left behind five thousand years ago—I’ve been thinking there must be a place full of souls waiting for a turn at life. Waiting and waiting, never having a chance because Janan makes someone else reincarnate instead.”

His voice turned low and careful. “And now almost eighty will have a chance. Do you think that’s a fair trade?”

“Nothing is fair. Not even souls being reincarnated for a hundred lives while newsouls never get one.”

“Well, now they’ll live, and Devon won’t. Neither will Larkin or Minn. Neither will Enna, my current mother, or four Councilors.” His voice shook with barely restrained grief. “They were here five thousand years. They were part of our lives. Julid, one of the greatest inventors, is lost forever. Rahel kept watch on Range, making sure we never overhunted, making sure the caldera wasn’t going to erupt. People who were necessary to our lives are gone. Thanks to Menehem’s meddling, the entire world has changed.

You’ve tried to understand that, I know, but you can’t. Not this life. Maybe not your next, either.”

My heartbeat raced in my ears. My notebook and rose dropped, purple-blue petals vibrant against the gray stone, like paint on canvas. Shouts itched to get out, and I almost succumbed. I didn’t. He was already hurting enough.

Instead, I turned up my chin, keeping my gaze and voice steady. “If not for Menehem’s meddling, I wouldn’t be here.”

His mouth dropped and his eyes went wide. “Ana…”

I scooped up my belongings, swallowing anger. We were both right, and he knew it. There was no good answer. There was no fair answer. “Let’s just go in.” My voice rasped with tears.

Sam watched me a moment longer, then nodded and went for the door. I trailed after him, and when he sat at the piano—to work on it or practice, I wasn’t sure—I headed up the spiral staircase, through the hallway, and to my bedroom. Not even watching Sam play the piano could lift my mood right now.

Like every room upstairs, mine had interior walls made of sheets of silk, and pinned together by delicately carved wooden shelves. So when Sam started playing downstairs, I could hear every note perfectly. He began with scales and warm-ups, playing with such force that his discontentment and confusion cascaded through the house.

Jaw clenched to cage frustration, I gathered up the books I’d stolen from the temple. To keep anyone from noticing them, I’d hidden them separately, in drawers or behind other books. With the Council’s promise to search my room, I would need to come up with better spots.

But for now, I sat at my desk and placed one of the books in front of me.

More than ever, I needed to understand Janan, and what was happening with the newsouls. I hadn’t magically been able to decipher the symbols in the books yet, but I’d definitely never be able to read them if I didn’t try.

The binding creaked when I opened the first book. Dashes of ink stood dark on pale paper, grainy and thick, as if it had been made hundreds of years ago. I let my thoughts drift as I searched the page for anything familiar, and Sam’s practicing seeped into my consciousness like water. His practice sounded better than my playing, even when he stopped to work through a section. His music was beautiful even when he was angry and exasperated, emotions spiraling out of control.

Spiraling.

Spirals.

Snail shells. Rose petals. Hurricane clouds. Faraway galaxies.

The nonsense markings jerked into place.

When I blinked, they were random again. Nevertheless, I’d found the pattern, like when I’d first taught myself to read, or when Sam had played music and I’d been able to follow the dots and bars—but never for more than a few seconds. At first.

I pushed the book aside and opened another and another, making a rainbow of ancient texts across my desk.

I couldn’t read anything, and it took practice to see it again, but every page in every book had the same structure: a spiral.

Seeing the spiral was difficult at first. After straining my eyes for an hour, I realized my problem: I’d assumed the lines, for lack of a better term, were all the same size, like bars of music were all the same height.

But like looking into a pit with stairs spiraling down, they appeared smaller toward the center. A twodimensional representation of something three-dimensional. I’d seen it in my mathematics studies, but it wasn’t part of my curriculum, so I hadn’t had time to pursue it.

Once I realized that, I could see the spiral as clearly as any other line of text, though the characters themselves still made no sense. Not to mention why they’d go in a spiral, forcing the reader to turn the book around and around.

I copied symbols into a notebook to view them flat, but they still looked like random scratches.

Downstairs, Sam’s playing stopped, and he played the same note several times, as though testing it; he’d said earlier he wanted to work on the piano.

I put in my SED earpieces and tapped the screen for a random recording of his music. There was so much, I hadn’t managed even a quarter of it in my months here, and I still had my favorites and pieces I had to study for lessons. A random piece would be good for me.

A flute sang, low and breathy, reminding me of earth. I’d listened to Sam’s playing enough to recognize his vibrato, and the power that lurked behind the gentle sound. A lute joined in a moment later with a light, delicate voice, and soon both played together in an unfamiliar minor key.

The rhythm unfurled oddly, unpredictable almost, though there was a pattern I could almost hearThen I lost it.

The peculiar beauty swept me along in the sweetness and warmth, and just as it ended, I glanced at the title on the screen. Blue Rose Serenade.

Shivers marched up my spine.

The second player…

I pressed my hands over my mouth as though I could smother the stab of hurt. Why couldn’t Sam really be a boy my age, with no more experience than I had? No past lives, past loves.

Why couldn’t he be only for me?

I hated feeling jealous. It was petty, and I knew he loved me. He’d told me. And still my inability to believe he’d choose me over anyone—it squirmed in my gut and made me sick.

I turned the music down as the next piece came on, letting nocturnes and minuets seep into my thoughts while I focused on the temple books.

“This looks like a crescendo symbol.”

I jumped as Sam’s forefinger touched the paper. I hadn’t heard him come into my room, but there he was, leaning on the corner of my desk.

Blushing, I removed the SED earpieces and shrugged. “Maybe. Or grow, expand, increase, swell. Or none of those things. Chances are just as high it means something else.” Still, I wrote “Crescendo?” next to the lines.

“How are you getting these markings?” He didn’t sound skeptical that I saw them, just curious.

“Here.” I slid one of the books toward him and grabbed a pencil. “Watch.” Lightly, so I could erase later, I traced a spiral under the text, starting from the center.

“Oh.” Sam glanced at the other books and flipped a few pages, just as I had done. “That’s incredible.

I don’t suppose you’ve translated everything but the crescendo symbol, hmm?”

“No, unfortunately.” I leaned back in my chair, stretching cramped muscles. “But I’ve looked at these things how many times? I’m glad for any progress.”

“I’ve no doubt.” He picked up the rose, which I’d left on the edge of my desk. It was tiny in his hands, delicate, and the way he gazed at it was more mysterious than the books. “What else are you looking at here? I see the size changes from the center to the outside.”

“It does, and I couldn’t tell you if you read it outside to inside, or inside to outside. Or why anyone would write in a spiral, making you have to turn the book around.”

“It does seem like a lot of trouble.”

“I’ve tried to write down when I see symbols in patterns, but it’s hard to tell when I’m not even sure of the direction of the text.” I spun my notebook to face him. “Does anything else look familiar?” Maybe if more were music symbols, that would offer a place to start. But he shook his head.

“Not yet.”

I let my thoughts wander through all the information I’d learned about Heart, its history, and where people had come from. He’d told me about tribes, people discovering Heart already built.

“Once, you told me you’d found bones in the agricultural quarter?” I watched him from the corner of my eye. “They might have been from a civilization before you.”

He wore caution like a mask. “That was a long time ago.”

I refused to be discouraged. “If people lived in Heart before you, perhaps these were their books.”

“Perhaps.”

How unhelpful. I tried again. “Do you remember anything? Any writing on rocks or trees? Anything like this?” Knowing who wrote it might give clues to what it said.

“Ana, that was a long time ago.” His gaze dropped toward the rose bloom, cupped in his hand like a puddle of twilight. “And it wasn’t my specialty. I avoided the agricultural quarter whenever I could. The only thing I wanted to do then was carve whistles that sounded like my favorite birds.”

“Whose specialty was it? We can look at their early diaries. Or just ask.” People expected me to be interested in strange things, and as long as I wasn’t rescuing sylph, I doubted anyone would mind.

Of course, after the sylph incident, they probably minded when I breathed.

Sam avoided my eyes. “We’d have to talk to Cris.”

“I thought he grew roses.” I nodded toward the one Sam held.

“He does. They’ve always been his love, like music is for me, but his talent was more practical in the earlier generations.”

I supposed no one cared which animal hide made a better drum skin if they really wanted to use it as clothes. I managed a smile and nod, because I knew how it felt to be useless.

Sam gazed through me, though. He had that familiar somewhen-else expression. “Cris had a way of making things grow, and finding the right spot to plant crops, which can be difficult over the caldera. The ground isn’t always thick enough to support anything with roots deeper than grass.”

That fit with what I knew of all attempts to dig beneath Heart. The sewer had been especially tricky.

“Cris was the first to find skeletons in the ground. It’s possible he saw something else while clearing farmland. An object with one of these symbols on it.” Sam came back to himself, back to the present.

“Something you could use for reference.”

Something I could use for reference?

I didn’t want to be the one who figured things out. Everyone else was so old and experienced. Why couldn’t they do it? Why couldn’t I just focus on music and making the city safe for newsouls?

“Ana?” His voice was soft.

Without even realizing, I had hunched over the notebook, buried my face in my arms.

He touched the base of my neck, caressed all the way down my spine. He was solid and warm, and I wished things were the same as before we’d come back to Heart. Life hadn’t been perfect then, but I hadn’t felt this rift.

Chasm. Fissure. Canyon. Even with his palm on the small of my back, I felt like the entire Range caldera stretched between us.

I pulled away. “Let’s call him for a gardening lesson. Tomorrow afternoon, if he can fit us in.” I copied several symbols onto a fresh sheet of paper. “I’ll ask if he’s seen any of these and say”—I bit my lip—“I caught you doodling, but you couldn’t remember where you’d seen them before.”

“Okay.” His features twisted into a mask of uncertainty.

I started closing the books, but paused when I remembered the look between Armande and Sam when he’d discovered the rose. And the awkwardness between Sam and Cris in Purple Rose Cottage. I hadn’t thought much about it then, but…then there was the Blue Rose Serenade. “Did you want to ask?”

He cocked his head and searched me, as though I wore the correct answer on my face. “I’d rather not,” he said after a moment.

Because he thought that was what I wanted to hear?

No. As I studied him, his expression shifted like shadows on darkness. Memory. “What happened?

Did he do something to you?”

“No.” Sam laid the rose back on the desk, voice deepening. “He’s never done anything awful to me, or to anyone else. He’s one of the best souls in Heart.”

“So what is it?” Maybe I didn’t want to know, but the question was out.

Sam strode toward the window, where he did not answer me, just gazed outside like he’d rather be anywhere else.

Tough. Surely I deserved some answers. I followed him, but paused when I noticed him leaning his forehead on the exterior wall. Paintings and furniture covered most of it, but here by the window was a clear spot. And he’d touched it. For comfort? Revulsion shuddered through me, and his worn expression made me bite back my questions about his relationship with Cris. For now.

“If Cris can’t help me with some of these symbols,” I said, “I have to go back into the temple and look for clues. Maybe Janan will answer me.”

“No.” Sam gripped my arm.

I looked up so sharply my neck stung.

“Ana.” His jaw clenched and his voice pulled taut. “Don’t you understand that I love you?”

I recoiled. Why would he ask that? “Apparently I’m too stupid to understand.”

“You’ve told me how terrible it was in there and—” He paused, looking frantic while he searched for memories. He had enough difficulty remembering I’d been in there; anything more was almost impossible.

“You can’t even bear this wall, let alone standing next to the temple. How would you manage inside?”

Confusion flashed in his eyes—perhaps the question of how I would get in, because he couldn’t remember the key I carried—and his grip tightened painfully around my arm. I wrenched myself away.

He must have realized he’d hurt me, because he held his hands before him in surrender. “Sorry. I’m sorry.” He said it as a lament, breathing hard and staring at his hands like he didn’t know whose they were. “If you want to go, I can’t stop you. I won’t try. But I will go with you.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. I had never imagined anyone could feel that strongly about me. “Because I’d rather not go alone.”

He lifted one hand, hesitated, and caught my chin to tilt up my face.

Our eyes met, and everything inside of me twisted.

His thumb slid along my jaw while his forefinger held me up. If I spoke, I’d nudge his hand off me. I closed my eyes and let my head drop back as he slid his palms across my cheeks and into my hair.

His mouth was warm and soft. We kissed like a bow and violin strings. I wasn’t sure who was which, but we made a melody that lasted only a breath.

He pulled away a fraction. “I didn’t mean to start fights.”

“I know.” I kissed him again, my fingertips grazing the smooth skin of his jaw. His cheeks, his throat, his ears. Barely-there touches that made him shiver and sigh.

“I lived ten lifetimes in that kiss, and it still wasn’t enough.” He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I was weak in the Council chamber, after you left. They knew just how to exploit all my insecurities.”

“Is that an excuse?”

“No.” He retreated to sit on the corner of my bed. “Yes, it is an excuse, but it shouldn’t be. I’m sorry, Ana.”

Sorry because something terrible happened? Sorry because the Council had pressured and he’d slipped, telling them about Menehem’s lab? Something worse? I could imagine a thousand horrible things he might apologize for.

“Why?” I couldn’t stop the shaking in my voice.

“For letting their talk get to me and”—he slumped, elbows braced on his knees—“I don’t know. I’m angry about Templedark. It hurts thinking about the darksouls.” He buried his face in his hands. “When I see Menehem again, I can’t say what I’ll do.”

He wasn’t the only one to feel like that, either, but at least he didn’t want to punish me for what Menehem had done.

Sam met my eyes, apology in his expression. “But I wouldn’t want to undo anything that allowed you to be with us. Lidea feels the same about Anid.” He looked so torn. “No matter how horrible Templedark was, it allowed for newsouls and you’re right. That’s better than no one being born at all.”

I flashed a tight smile. He’d been right, too: I couldn’t feel the same pain he did. That didn’t make my caring any less, though.

“Sometimes good things come from unexpected places. Life out of death. No scars after a sylph burn.”

I showed him my pale, pencil-smudged hands. “And roses that taught me how to care for things, even though no one else thought the roses’ color was good enough.”

Sam glanced past me, toward the bloom on the desk. “How did you get so wise, Ana?”

“Someone strong and patient showed me.” I sat next to him, looping my arm with his. “Will you say it again? The thing you said that night at Menehem’s lab.” It probably wasn’t fair to ask him to say it when I couldn’t say it back, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to hear it more.

He must have caught the tension in my voice, because he twisted to face me, expression anxious. “You don’t think I’d stop loving you, do you? Or change my mind?”

“No.” Maybe a little.

“We might fight or disagree sometimes, but that doesn’t change that I love you.”

What a powerful feeling, love, able to withstand time and distance and disagreements. No wonder I wanted it so badly. “I haven’t forgotten what Li told you,” he said, “that nosouls can’t love.” He lifted our hands to his chest, fingers knotted with mine. “I haven’t forgotten the way you tried to run away when you accidentally said the word ‘love’ that day in the cabin.”

I couldn’t forget it either, when he’d asked what made me happy and I’d answered, Music. I’d slipped, used a word I knew I shouldn’t.

Love. I’d said I loved Dossam, his music.

I hadn’t known Sam was Dossam then.

He kissed my fingers. “You may think you aren’t capable of love, but I feel you are. I know you are.”

His breath came warm against my skin. “But don’t feel rushed or pressured. I can wait if you need time.”

How could he be so confident when I could hardly accept his emotions toward me? “It helps.

Knowing someone can”—I gathered my courage—“love me, it helps.”

His smile grew relieved. “I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it, so you’ll never doubt.”

He touched my cheek. “A hundred times? A thousand?”

“Start now and I’ll tell you when.” Part of me wanted to cry again, not from fear or disbelief, but from joy. As incredible as it was, Sam—Dossam— loved me, and he wanted me to understand. To believe.

I was Ana who Had Love.

Sam swept his fingers through my hair, down my arm. “All right.” His voice was light and deep and open. “I love you because you’re clever. I love you because you’re talented.” He touched my chin. “I love you because you have a perfect smile. I love you because you bite your lip when you’re nervous and I think it’s adorable.”

I ducked my face. “Go on.”

“I love you because you’re good and honest. I love you because you’re brave.” His tone shifted, filled with melody that made me shiver inside. “I love you because you’re strong. I love you because you don’t let anything get in the way of doing what’s right.”

He went on, touching my hands and hair as he spoke. His words kindled a fire inside of me. I grew familiar with each sound, each letter. I memorized the softness in his voice, and the way he made “love” sound different and the same every time.

Maybe he was right: I didn’t have to decide whether I could love. Not right now. All I had to do was accept and enjoy the idea that someone else could love me.