Before We Fall

Chapter Thirty-One

Jacey

Dominic might not want to admit it, but I felt his heart break with every movement.

I’m quiet as I lie staring at him, and it’s a long time before he opens his eyes. When he does, there’s guilt in them.

“I’m sorry,” he says simply. “I’m so sorry, Jacey. I was… angry. At the world, at Sin, at Emma, at you for being right. You were right. I get off on watching people have sex because I can do it without getting involved. I like sexual pain because it distracts me from what really causes me pain. And that’s not you. You don’t cause me pain. I have no right to hold you accountable for something you didn’t do. I’m sorry.”

My heart squeezes. “I know,” I tell him softly. “I know.”

And I do. I know what it’s like to be so overwhelmed by emotion that you can’t even think straight. I felt the same way the day Jared turned my world upside down.

I curl into Dominic’s side and he holds me there, clutched to him.

“Where do you think she is?” he muses aloud after a while, staring out the window. “I worry about that sometimes.”

I stroke his arm and I know he’s talking about Emma.

“I don’t know. I’ve wondered that about the people I love. I like to think that they’re in a better place. That they’re somewhere where tears and pain don’t exist anymore.”

“Then they’re in a better place than we are,” Dominic says tiredly.

“We can hope,” I answer. “Death is going to come to us all, Dom. It’s up to us how we handle it. It’s hard, I know.”

He remains silent, and I grab his hand. He lets me, but I can see his heart’s not in it. His fingers are cold, his eyes are blank.

After a few more minutes I turn to him, desperate to make him understand that there’s hope. After having such angry sex, I thought he might feel somewhat better, that it had been an outlet for his rage. And it had been.

But now he only seems hopeless.

“Dominic, I know you’re pissed at the world. But we’ll get past this. You’ll see that you can trust the people you love. Sometimes they make bad decisions, but we all do. It’s human nature. We’ll get past this.”

“Cris knew this the whole fucking time,” Dom answers, staring at me with a black stare. “He could’ve told me years ago. Even though I didn’t want to talk to him, he could’ve figured out a way.”

I nod. “I know. He didn’t handle it well. But he feels terrible too. He didn’t know what to do. And he handled it badly. Just like you did. He loved you and Sin both so much that he sacrificed his relationship with you to save your relationship with Sin. I think that says a lot. And if it makes you feel any better, he and Fiona broke up. She was pissed that he didn’t tell someone.”

Dominic nods, turning to face the window, turning away from me. I have a feeling that the emotions of the day are just too overwhelming for him to take right now.

I understand how that feels. I feel the same way.

I wrap my arms around him and press my face to his back, letting my weary eyes close as the weight of the world seems to rest on my eyelids.

The silence grows and grows, until eventually Dominic falls asleep. I stay with him for the longest time, holding him tightly. If anyone deserves the oblivion that sleeps brings, he does.

He only wakes once, after I have Chinese delivered. He stays awake long enough to eat with me and then he suggests that I sleep in the guest room so that I can get some rest.

“I’ll be tossing and turning,” he says wryly. “You’ve already been patient enough with me today. You deserve a break.”

I don’t want a break, but I don’t argue.

Dominic slips back into the darkened master suite and I close the door to the guest room. If he wants to be alone, I’ll let him be alone.

Whatever it takes for him to process this.