Believe

Chapter Eleven Phoenix

“Anybody home?” I called, yanking open the screen door to my cousins’ house and heading in. I hadn’t been there in almost a week and I wanted to pay Riley or Tyler the rest of the money I owed them for my cell phone.

Jessica was lying on the couch with a handheld mister in her hand directed straight at her face. “Hey,” she said, sounding listless.

“Hey. If you’re hot why don’t you go in the bedroom?” I asked. “I thought it has AC.”

“It broke.” The look she gave me was one of such pure agony, I was secretly just a little bit amused.

“Shit. That sucks.” I imagine if I were still staying there I’d be bitching, too, but I was over at Robin’s with central air. Jessica’s expression was entertaining, but I felt some sympathy. “I’m here to pay Riley back so maybe he can buy a new window unit.”

“He says it’s impractical to buy one until next year, because it’s only going to be hot for a few more weeks. I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make it suck any less to be sitting here sweating.”

“True that. Where are the boys?”

“Easton and Jayden are in the backyard on the Slip’N Slide. Riley is taking a cold shower because I refuse to have sex when it’s this hot. Tyler is working out in the basement because he is insane.”

Now I did smile a little. Jessica had a gift for melodrama and she was funny, even I could admit it. “Okay then, thanks.”

“Where’s Robin?”

“She’s at a club meeting.”

“What kind of club?” Jessica frowned.

“Digital arts. I don’t know what they do, honestly. She just joined it.” I lifted my hand. “Catch you later. I need to talk to Tyler then run.” Robin and I had plans for the night, plans that made me want to punch the bag in the basement with Tyler.

He was actually on the ground doing push-ups, and when I jogged down the stairs, I dropped in line behind him and did forty myself.

Tyler went onto his side, breathing hard. “Slow down, fuck, you’re killing me.”

“You don’t have to keep up,” I told him, popping off another ten, loving the burn, the sweat that beaded on my forehead.

“I’m out. No thanks.” He rolled on his side hands on his knees. “What has you so twitchy?”

I finished and jumped up, bouncing on my heels, and headed straight for the bag, landing a punch. “Two things. First of all, I brought the rest of the money I owe you. I’m not tatting customers yet myself, but I’m doing okay at the shop and hopefully in a few months I can afford my needle to start building a client list.”

“That’s cool. And thanks for paying us back so fast.”

“Sure. Now the other thing . . . I guess I need to hear what you think.” I was uncomfortable and I nailed a right hook harder. It felt like I was asking for support or involving them in my messy bullshit. But I did want to hear what his opinion was.

“Okay.”

“So when I was in, I had a bit of a partnership with a few guys, and we all watched each other’s backs. One time, this dude came at me with a fork from behind and I didn’t see it. He was going right for the base of my skull and he could have killed me, but Davis took him down for me. So I owe this guy. And now he wants to collect.” I was out of breath from boxing, but I didn’t want to look at my cousin. All I wanted to do was hit the bag, over and over, until this problem resolved itself.

“Yeah? What does he want? Money? Offer him a deal . . . tattoo him for free or something.”

If only he wanted money. “He wants me to run his drugs for him.”

“What? Fuck that!” Tyler sounded furious.

“I know. You know I would never do that. Not in a million goddamn years. He wants me though, because he knows I won’t steal supply from him.” Bam. My knuckles split open, and blood rolled down my fingers and the back of my hand. “But the problem is, I ran into him and Robin was with me. He knows what she looks like.”

“Does he know where she lives?” Tyler’s voice had gotten hard, and I knew why. Rory lived there, too.

“No.” Left, right, left, right. I punched in a perfect mesmerizing rhythm, shoulders tight, sweat dripping in my eyes, blood chugging over my flesh, the sound hypnotic. I knew the second I broke rhythm because I did it on purpose. The bag nailed me in the chin with a burst of pain, my jaw jamming upward, knocking my teeth into my tongue. My vision went blurry for a split second.

I spit blood out of my mouth onto the bottom of my shirt, wiping the remnants with my forearm, and finally stepping back to look at Tyler. I stood with my hands on my hips, catching my breath.

“Dude,” he said. “You okay?”

“Fine. So what do you think I should do?”

“How pissed is he going to be?”

“I don’t know. I mean, you know a guy in there, doesn’t mean he’s the same out here.” That’s what scared me. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but he was a dealer. You had to have a certain disregard for other people to be in the business.

“That’s true.” Tyler looked like he wished to hell he didn’t know that. “Why don’t you feel him out, offer him something else you think he might want?”

“The problem is, I don’t know what he would want. And if I ask him, I tip my hand.”

“Just put him off for a day or two and we’ll figure something out.” Tyler stood up. “Now go get a towel, you’re bleeding all over the place.”

“Am I?” I glanced down at my hand, then wiped my bleeding chin. “I didn’t notice.”

Tyler scrutinized me. “You care about her a lot, don’t you?”

That was a freaking understatement. “Yeah. I do. And if anything happens to her because of me . . .” I couldn’t stop myself from clenching my fists. “I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Nothing is going to happen to her. This guy is just trying to get something for nothing. He’s not crazy enough to start real shit with you.”

Tyler might be right, but I was worried. I couldn’t help it. Being with Robin . . . it was the best thing to ever happen to me. She made me feel calm, happy. Important. I wanted to be the best thing for her, too, not the worst.

“It just feels like we can never leave it all behind, you know?” I said. “The drugs, the bullshit, it will always follow us.”

“Heard from your mom?” he asked.

“No, just that one phone call.” As usual, I had mixed feelings about that. “I don’t want Robin to meet her. I know that’s selfish, but I don’t.”

“Look, I get where you’re coming from.” Tyler wiped his forehead with his arm. “I worry about dragging Rory into our family drama. I mean, she deserves better, right? But at the same time, I figure she is choosing to be with me, so I have to trust that. You have to trust that Robin wants to be with you.”

Easier fucking said than done. “I don’t think we were raised to trust.”

“Nope.” He grinned. “We weren’t raised to talk about our feelings either and look at us . . . a couple of girls sharing.”

“Do you want to be hit?” I asked him, but I wasn’t really pissed. It was our default setting. When we got uncomfortable with our feelings, we joked around or got aggressive.

“You punch me, I will make you eat concrete.”

I grinned. That could be entertaining, going a round with Tyler. He might even give me a run for my money, but he couldn’t beat me. I had more control and a little more crazy than he did. “No fucking chance.”

“Dude.” Tyler started laughing. “You have blood on your teeth. That is disgusting.”

“Shit.” I wiped at my mouth, trying to run my tongue over my teeth. “Is it gone? I’m supposed to be going to some party with the sober club that Robin joined.” I was actually terrified. What the fuck did I have to say to a bunch of college students?

His eyebrows shot up. “The sober club? What the hell is that?”

“It’s a bunch of students who don’t drink getting together for stuff. Tonight is acoustic night at the coffee shop and I told her I would go. She’s trying to make new friends.” The thought made me frown. “Personally, I don’t see the point. But it seems important to her.”

“Why does she need new friends?”

We stared at each other, both suddenly uneasy. “That’s a good question,” I said. “And I don’t know the answer.”

But then Tyler shrugged. “I guess I can see wanting to be around people who don’t drink. No temptation that way.”

“Do you know something I don’t know?” I asked him.

“It depends on what you know.”

Really? “I know that something happened at that party. But I don’t know what.”

“I don’t know either, man.” He held out his hands. “I do know that maybe Nathan shouldn’t have been the one to give her a ride home that night.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Just that I saw them leave together. That’s it. That’s all it means.”

But it clearly wasn’t. He was trying to tell me something without telling me directly. I turned and punched the bag again. Hard.

“Go take a shower,” he said. “Brush your teeth. Use Jayden’s toothbrush, not mine. Go have fun with Robin.”

I wasn’t sure that I could, but I was damn going to try. I wasn’t going to embarrass her.

That didn’t mean I was comfortable when we walked into that coffee shop, though. I had showered and brushed my teeth with paste on my finger, and I had asked Robin to bring me a clean shirt when she picked me up, so at least there wasn’t still blood on me. But I still felt hugely awkward as I held the door open for her and followed her inside. It smelled like roasted beans and hipster.

“Wow, it’s crowded,” she said, and even she sounded slightly nervous.

Surveying the group, I tried not to judge, but man, the music coming from the corner of the room where they had shifted tables out of the way for a makeshift stage was pretentious and boring. The singer couldn’t stay in key for more than two seconds, and I wasn’t sure why having deep lyrics meant you could get away with having no vocal ability whatsoever. But whatever. Maybe the guy was fucking awesome off stage as a person.

Some guy waved to Robin and she sounded relieved. “Oh, that’s Christian! Let’s go say hi.”

I wasn’t going to be jealous. That was ridiculous. Robin loved me. She slept next to me every night and woke up next to me every morning. It didn’t matter that this guy looked like he would be making six figures in five years.

Yet my fists clenched and unclenched, and I had to take a deep breath in, a deep breath out.

She was wearing a dress with a belt to show off her waist, and it was the first time I’d ever seen her put any sort of effort into her appearance. She had painted her fingernails and sprayed on perfume, which seemed to smack me in the face every time she moved. It didn’t smell like her to me and I fought annoyance.

“Hey, Robin,” the guy sitting down said. “Glad you could make it. This is Stefan, Blakeley, and Harper.”

“This is my boyfriend, Phoenix,” Robin said after greeting everyone.

“Is that your real name?” Harper asked me.

Was this chick serious? Because my name was weirder than any of theirs? “Yes.”

“I like your tattoo,” she said with a flirty smile, pointing to my sleeve. “Do you have any other ones?”

“Yes. My leg, my back, my chest.”

Interest sparked further in her blue eyes. “Can I see them?”

“Harper, down, girl,” Christian said. “Let them sit down. Ignore her, she has a tattoo fetish.”

“Phoenix is a tattoo artist,” Robin said as we sat down. She sounded proud of me, or at least that’s how I chose to interpret it.

“Are you an art major?” Stefan asked. At least I thought it was Stefan. He and Blakeley had been introduced to me too fast, and I was kind of confused which one was which.

They were showing slight interest and being polite, so I couldn’t complain. I just was well aware that we probably had, oh, nothing in common. “No. I’m not in school. I work full-time in a shop. Robin is a graphic design major, but she also paints.”

Robin shrugged, her nose wrinkling up. “That’s just for fun.”

That surprised me, that she would diminish her art to a hobby. She had been painting almost every night while I was at work and I came back to her place to find the hallway to her bedroom propped with drying canvases. She seemed to be on a creative burst, and I thought it was awesome. “She’s really talented,” I told them.

“So is Phoenix,” she said.

“Well, I can see why you two are together,” Harper said with a roll of her eyes. “Mutual admiration.”

Nice. But I tried not to roll my eyes back because wasn’t that why most couples were together? “What are you studying?” I asked her.

“Alcohol and drug counseling.”

“I’m pre-med,” Stefan interjected before I could say anything. “People have no idea how much damage they do to their body when they drink and pop pills.”

“I don’t think they care,” I told him, feeling Robin’s hand snake over to intertwine with mine under the table.

“The liver damage, the destruction of brain cells . . . it makes no sense. Not to mention how asinine they all look stumbling out of clubs on a Friday night, drunken idiots looking to hook up.”

Robin’s grip tightened.

“Well, at least you aren’t judgmental,” I said casually, irritated as hell. What right did they have to discuss total strangers? What fucking business was it of theirs? If I made the personal choice to be totally clean, that didn’t mean I had the right to go around and point fingers at people who had a beer watching a ballgame. I didn’t go through Tyler and Riley’s kitchen and toss out their beer and whiskey. Not every drinker was an addict.

“What, you think it’s okay to get shitfaced?” he asked, looking at me with suspicion.

“I’m just saying, you need to live your life, but not someone else’s.”

“So you think my major is stupid then?” Harper asked. “Because I kind of thought I was going to be saving people’s lives.”

Not with that attitude. I held my tongue for Robin’s sake. “Sure,” I told Harper, not wanting to engage. “It’s important. I wasn’t saying otherwise.”

The music swelled in the background, a grating, high-pitched whine that made me want to stab myself in the ears. I was losing control and ruining the night for Robin. Carefully, I relaxed the muscles in my shoulders and on down through my body.

“I’m sure in your line of work you see lots of interesting types,” Christian said, with a smile that indicated he was trying to change the subject.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Robin asked, and I heard the shrill irritation in her voice.

So maybe I wasn’t the only one having a bad reaction to this group.

“Do you have any tattoos?” I asked Harper.

But she shook her head. “No, I don’t think it’s very professional looking. Trashy, you know? But they’re so yummy on guys.”

Did she have any idea how rude she sounded? Obviously not. Or maybe she knew full well how she sounded, she just didn’t give a shit.

I turned to Robin. “You want me to get you a coffee or anything?” Please, spring me from this hell, was what I was really thinking.

“Sure, I’ll have a latte.”

“Anyone else need anything?” I was already standing up.

They all shook their heads no and I was able to escape. Regroup. Trying to ignore the fact that a latte cost five bucks—seriously?—I figured with me gone maybe the conversation could take a different direction and be more natural.

Except it didn’t really work that way. When I got back with Robin’s coffee, or whatever the hell it was called, Harper was blasting her former roommate, who wasn’t there to defend herself. “I mean, it was like every weekend, a different guy after drinking herself to oblivion. How did she look herself in the mirror, you know?” Harper tossed her hair back. “But the final straw was when she slept with her best friend’s boyfriend. I mean, really? Who does that?”

The blood had drained from Robin’s face, and I knew without a doubt what exactly had gone down between her and Nathan.

Shit.

It was one thing to suspect, another to get confirmation. The thought of Nathan taking advantage of Robin . . . it made me sick. Furious. But those emotions had to wait. Right now I had to get her out of here.

“People make mistakes,” I told Harper. “I’m sure you have too, despite your good intentions.”

“Yeah, except I’m not a whore or a drunk.”

“My mother is an addict,” I told her. “And my aunt was an alcoholic before she died. But they are still human beings who deserve respect.” With that, I stood up, Robin’s drink still in my hand, and reached for her with the other one. “Maybe you should rethink your career choice, Harper. Otherwise, good luck.” I gave them all a nod. “Wonderful meeting you.” The sarcasm crept into my voice and I didn’t even regret it.

Robin just gave a weak smile and waved. When we were at the front door, she mumbled, “God, I’m sorry. I guess this club didn’t work out as well as the digital arts one did. I really liked the people I met there.”

“These guys were assholes,” I said, shoving open the door. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin the night or your chance to hang out with them.”

“I don’t want to hang out with them.”

We had walked from her apartment, and as we started down the sidewalk, I burned with the need to ask her about Nathan. I didn’t know what her response was going to be, but I needed to ask. It was picking at me, and I needed the truth. I needed to know she trusted me with the truth.

“Baby.” I pulled her to a stop and took her cheeks in my hands. “What happened with Nathan?”

She jerked, her face still pale, eyes wide with fear. “What do you mean?” Her voice was uneven, breath hitched and nervous.

Making my voice as gentle as possible, I kissed her forehead and said, “I know something happened. I don’t know what. But you can tell me. You can trust me.”

She started crying and my heart sank. “I don’t know what happened. I mean, I know what happened, but the thing is, I don’t remember it.”

“You had sex with him?” I asked, wanting clarity. “It’s okay, I won’t get angry.” I didn’t think. I mean, I was angry, yeah, definitely. Mad at Nathan, mad that alcohol existed, mad that I hadn’t been there to stop her from doing something she didn’t really want to do, but I wasn’t mad at her. And if I wanted her to trust me, love me, I had to stay calm, not let her see that anger and think it was in any way directed at her.

She bit her lip and looked away. Then she looked up at me and whispered, “Yes. I guess. He seems to think we did, but I blacked out. And I woke up at his place.”

There were spots in front of my vision, I was so disgusted by a guy who would have sex with an almost unconscious girl, but I had learned how to hold it all back, to build the levee against the flood of anger. “So it was consensual, as far as you can tell? He didn’t hurt you in any way?”

“He didn’t hurt me, no. And I guess I was on board with it. Tyler saw us kissing in Nathan’s car.” She was crying harder now. “How could I do that? Why would I do that? It’s horrible, awful!”

I wasn’t sure I even wanted to think about it. Pulling her into my arms, I held her while she cried, trying to process exactly how I felt, swallowing hard. Did it thrill me that Nathan had tapped my girlfriend? Fuck no. Was I glad she’d told me? Yes. I was also just a little bit glad that she didn’t remember it, which made me an asshole. But I couldn’t help the reaction. I obviously didn’t like that she’d blacked out, because that was scary shit, but I didn’t want her to have had good sex with Nathan, even drunk. Which was selfish and stupid, so I shoved that thought aside and focused on her, what she needed, not me, what I needed.

That’s what you do when you love someone.

You put them first, even when your insides were boiling like lava.

Now I knew why she was afraid to be around her friends, why she had stopped drinking, why she no longer wanted to party.

I figured while the catalyst was shit, the end result was a good thing, right?

“It’s okay,” I told her, kissing the top of her head. It wasn’t, not exactly, but I’d get over it. It was more important she knew I had her back, that she could trust me enough to tell me the truth, no matter what. That there were no secrets between us, ever.

“You don’t hate me?” She sobbed into my chest. “You don’t think I’m a drunken whore like Harper and everyone else on the planet?”

The phrase “drunken whore” made my nostrils flare. No one had the right to call her that. No one. “No. I think you made a mistake that you’ve regretted ever since, and you made changes to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I think that makes you mature.”

She pulled back and looked up at me, her gaze searching. “Really? You’re not going to break up with me?”

“Of course not. Jesus.” The thought was unimaginable. Every day was Robin, and Robin was every day. “I’m glad you told me. That’s an awful secret to keep inside, baby. Let me share your pain.” I wasn’t sure how to explain it to her, but I tried. “I’m like that bird, you know . . . I can hold up the sky for you, Robin.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, eyes shining. She went up on her tiptoes and kissed me. “You are the most amazing man I’ve ever known.”

That made me feel a little self-conscious. “You’re still young,” I told her.

She gave a watery laugh. “No, I’m serious.”

I laughed, too, relieved that she seemed okay. Relieved that I seemed okay. “So am I.” I took her hand and started walking again.

“You’re really not mad? I mean, what I did to Kylie . . .”

That was a complicated question because it was a complicated situation. Would I want it to have never happened? Hell, yeah. But I didn’t want her to feel any upset from me at all, so I glanced at her, reminding myself she could never be the source of my anger.

Keeping my tone neutral, I asked, “If you were sober, would you have done that?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“So it was the alcohol, which you’re not touching anymore. I can live with that. Lesson learned, right?”

“Oh, God, yes.” Her voice was emphatic. “I don’t even know who that person was. It’s so damn scary to realize that you basically go to a place that isn’t even in line with who you are inside . . . I mean, it’s one thing if alcohol loosens you up, makes you go for something you secretly wanted, or you get flirty or aggressive or whatever, but this was like against everything I possibly believe in. It makes no sense. It’s like it wasn’t even me, and that is terrifying.”

The night was warm but breezy, and I held her hand tightly as we went back all the shops on Clifton, most of them closed for the night. Only the pizza parlor was still open, the tables all full of customers. I stroked her fingers and thought about what she’d said. It was why I had never touched booze or drugs. “I would be terrified, too. But you know, I’ve seen it over and over with my mom and my aunt. You become, I don’t know, the id to the ego, or whatever that theory was. It’s like drugs and alcohol push you into a pure selfishness.”

“Or recklessness.” Robin shuddered. “Thanks for what you said in there. I appreciate it. And not every social drinker has a problem. I just know I don’t know when to stop and that is a problem.”

“I’m proud of you for stepping away from what you know is bad for you.” She was the first person close to me who really had.

“It’s been so awful . . . I want to tell Kylie, because I feel so horrible, but I know it will just hurt her.”

“I don’t think you should tell her. What’s the point?” I tossed my hair out of my eyes. “But I’m not going to lie. I want to punch Nathan in his pretty face.”

“I don’t want you to do that,” she said quietly. “I want to move on.”

My throat tightened. If that’s what she wanted, that’s what I would do. Hell, I would do anything she asked, because when she looked at me, I saw love . . . for the first time in my life, I saw pure, sweet love. Not sneering, not wheedling, not irritation, not guilt or exasperation, but just love from someone who didn’t even have to love me.

She just did.

I nodded. “I do, too. You don’t throw my conviction in my face, and I will never throw this in yours. We’re moving forward. Together.”

“Together,” she whispered.